Starting new log as the old one is very long. 

EDIT; changing practice method because of my new life style. Found a new job in a postal service which is very much physical and causes the body to feel rather tired as Im also looking after our son when I come back from work so both mentaly and physicaly exhausted. I tried freestyle noting aloud but it without alertness it just is a mish mash frustration and weak effort. Decided to do a practice I know works well with such a tired life style and that is Shamatha. I did this before during my work life and it worked well. I will let Vipassana do its thing if it arises. Will ping pong between Shamatha and silent Vipassana as they arise.

old thread https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/19872769

Sat a 55er. Freestyle noting aloud. 

Started solid and clear turned to hazy unclear lots of images of people, body jerks, stiff neck and lower back. Not many itches. A few spots with sharp vibrations as if they are made of tiny metal shavings or ice. Left arm numb and weak pins and needles. Irritation with the unclear and hazy image space. Restless towards the end of sit with images of the timer. 
Throat was not as sore but still has that feel just weaker. As if there is a small stone being stuck in the throat. 

Edit; rapped eyelid blinks when there is memory or imagining of people's faces and such. This constant blinking seems to stay in the way of absorption developing further. No biggie but that's how it is it seems. 

Congratulations on the Ki-Breathing! It seems to be working well for you.

Ha ha ! funny you! I just started with it last night Too early to get both mind and breathing drop deep into the lower belly. At least a couple of months are needed to get my rusty breathing in shape. 

Okk, Ok, I was trying to be encouraging 

Thank you  

Did you read my retreat report log? Looking for feedback 

Just practiced Ki breathing for 30 minutes. Still some soreness present in the throat. Breathing is easier this time. 
Im glad the breathing is opening up as I'm not gasping for the inbreath after the long outbreath as is usually happening in the beginning of this practice. 

Yes I did. Not sure what to tell you Keep at it. You only need to watch your own self. Nothing more. See all the aspects of yourself. Sit with yourself. No matter what that self feels like, it's You. Sit with you. Watch that you, all it's components. Watch that struggle that you have. See how you prefers this and not that. See how you resist to be with you in such an intimate way. See how you rush towards attainments. Watch this you clinging to myriads of things. But also recognize that when there truly is profound mindfulness (profound curiousuty about an object/sensation) the you forgets about itself for that moment. 
Seems like there is no other way but to be Awake to each and every arising in you so to be awake to you. 

Keep at it. 

Decided to make a short video log for this sit;
https://youtu.be/DCDYYmmwciA

Off cushion; 

sudden stiffness in neck muscles hitting into the very back of skull, creating some sort of dull unpleasant headache. 

Off cushion last night totally tired. Body heavy as if it was made of concrete! Sleep. Had lots of stiffness in left shoulder blade and neck. 

Now sat a 55er noting aloud. Body unpleasantness was not much present. Some numbness in hands and legs. Diffused attention. Some boredom. 

Starting new job tomorrow. This might effect my sitting time and consistency as the job is phisical (postal service sorting out packages heavy and light). 

Will update when possible. 

Best of luck on the new job!

Yes, as Chis said, best of luck on your new job!

Thank you Chris and Sam! 

First day at work;
Impressions are positive. Managers seem friendly. It's hard work and I certainly can feel it in my back Tired. Very. 

Will see how to go about with practice. Maybe I'm to be a weekend meditator?! Better than nothing that's for sure. 

Sat a 45er in Shamatha-Vipassana (silent) Reason for changing the practice is expalined below and also edited my first post to describe my new practice.


changing practice method because of my new life style. Found a new job in a postal service which is very much physical and causes the body to feel rather tired as Im also looking after our son when I come back from work so both mentaly and physicaly exhausted. I tried freestyle noting aloud but it without alertness it just is a mish mash frustration and weak effort. Decided to do a practice I know works well with such a tired life style and that is Shamatha. I did this before during my work life and it worked well. I will let Vipassana do its thing if it arises. Will ping pong between Shamatha and silent Vipassana as they arise.
As Im working during the day and then looking after our son afterwards the only time to sit will be in the evening and then during weekends will be more flexible.

Will see how this goes.

Sat another 45er. Shamatha. 

body twitching from the first sit was not present this sit. A wave of thoughts and scenarios. Spacing out a few times. Calmness. Relaxed. 

Sat a 45er. Shamatha-Vipassana. Closed eyes, silent. 

Started with lots of scenario spins and feelings of annoyance concerning one person. Then in the visual field things started floating then turned into round hazy slides moving inwards one after the other. Then these moved outwards. 

Then this haze (purplish) was in the periphery moving towards center then was in center and there was a light spot in the middle that vanished twice then this spot arose a few times as black spot and also was vanishing. 

Then some shaking occurred in the periphery of the image space. For a second or two the entire image space was shaking. 

the white spot occurred off center a few times mostly to the left and the black spot occurred a few times mostly on the right side. 

A few flashes of light came from the left side in form of rays that flash for a second through thick cloud cover and disappear. 

I have noticed my eye balls turning upwards in the skull. It felt as if I was looking upwards. This was a physical feeling. 

I think that's it. 

Neck stifness. Leg and feet numbness. Only 3 itches in total and just 5-6 mild body jerks. 

edit; how could I forget, I've seen a S-shaped symbol turning around it's axes. The part of the lower S was in form of a Spiral. Maybe it was golden or yellow in color. Did not last for long as it vanished. 

Sat another 45er. Shamatha-Vipassana. Closed eyes and silent. 

the entire sit was dominated by images of people I've never seen. Some scenario spins. Each time different situation and different people. 
Each episode was like an absorption, the same way you get lost in a movie. Only here it lasted shorter and I'm not sure what the story is for each.

Eye balls again moving upwards at some stage. Black dot and white dot were there a few times. Purplish haze was there but not for long and it was moving from outside towards the center. Like a liquid would move.

Only one body itch. 2-3 body jerks.  

Calm. Relaxed. 

Off cushion;

certainly feeling more tranquility than usual. Which is good as I'm sensing more tension in the body that needs to relax some more. 

Also, since last year I'm feeling less reactive towards rude people. This is so not my usual old me as I was always ready to jump back into a bullies face verbally or ... 

I have a guy at work who dislikes me for some reason and is rude each time I ask him something. We worked together for only 4 days  
Anyway, I seem not bothered by it in way of feeling like a victim. I do feel compassion for him though and I would even apologize to him in case I've said something wrong. 
This ain't forced by me in anyway. If anything I'm surprised by this way of reacting to rude people as it certainly was not "my way" in the past to let them slide away without at least some good verbal fight. 

Off to do some Shamatha now. 

Sat a 45er. Shamatha. Eye balls felt under tension at the start as if focusing. This turned into some fidgety image space with lots of particles. Then the image space turned light, cream like light. Then thinking, scenarios with known and unknown faces. One sharp itch. 
Then image space turned into a murk which had some shapes moving like those lava lamps just all was murky and graying with weak purple in the middle. This purplish-grey circle seemed to be moving from the inside out. Circle after circle and the all moved towards the right side away from the center. 

Back slouching a few times which was corrected by me each time I've noticed it. Numbness in the feet. Stiff neck and jaw seems to be clenching. 

Calm. 

Hi HK! 

Seems to me that there indeed are some "fruits" to this and some "skills" as well. Some stuff like reactivity in anger (my past time specialty) has really gone down, and I mean a lot. No skill application required on my behalf. It's like really realizing that holding that hot coal really hurts and the hand just lets go of it. 

What did not go down is the anxiety and here skills like Calm-abiding or Jhana can really help. 

Also daily motivation to be involved in every day (non-contemplative) life is not the best as all is "just experience" and is seen with the eye of dispassion. Here too some sort of work is needed like therapy or simply kicking ones own but into action and join the lifeing with the rest of the world. 
As I'm feeling aversion towards painting again I plan to buy a few canvases as soon I get some money from my new job and kick my self in the but and effort to get it going. I really think that "what's the point in doing all this when all is Dukkha, Anicca and Anatta" type thinking needs to be seen as content arisen out of dispassion, let go off and go back to being a human with all its activities and non-activities. 

Sat a 45er. 

Today at work we had many heavy packages to handle and I feel frecked. Can feel it in my back and shoulders. 

Sat to meditate now, Calm-abiding and kept dozing off constantly. TO HELL with Shamatha !
After a while I switched to Noting Aloud and I was mindful again, observing and paying attention to my experience, without lapsing. Now this is practice! 

ok , will try my best to keep on with Noting Aloud practice even if knackered tired. Can't do practice where I can doze off too much. When tired like this the worse thing I can do is close eyes and sit in silence. 

Will not report more about the sit as I need to make dinner now. 

Got a tip from my danish dharma bro to meditate standing if tired so I gave it a 20 minutes before bedtime and sure thing it certainly was doable (legs were exhausted after a while). Will try and sit half the session and stand up the other half so to pull through the entire meditation while noting aloud without a laps in attention. 

Off to bed now. Good night world. 

Sat a 45er. Freestyle noting aloud. Open eyes. 

Rapid eye lid blinks that slowed down later and then very few blinks by the end of session where absorption was taking place. 

Noting was fast since the start. Likely around 4-5 sensations per second. Some noted aloud and some noticed. 

Body twitching was happening every so often but was neutral in feel. Mostly in the arms region and always just one side then the other etc ... never both at the same time. 

At one stage there was warmth in hands and pleasant vibration. Focus was sharpening on the spot I stare at and there were eye blips but these were not rapid. 

Several sharp itches but these did not turn into vibrations. Rather they just vanished. 

The spot I stare at did not vanish this sit. It did become very solid in the center of image space and the periphery would become blurred. 
Eye blips would happen but not rapid. There were some "movements" in the "thinking space" or else. It's the movement in form of a decision making maybe. Like to do this or that. Like an idea. Not sure but it was a "move" that would not come to be. Will observe this more when it arises. 

not much interesting in image space this time. There was just a sense of body being smaller. Like it shrieked in comparison to the seen room.

A few restless moments that presented themselves as the image of the timer with numbers. This would pass as soon noticed. Then image would return but half clear. Details would be missing from this previous image. 

More calmness in this sit and relaxation. Some vibration on the left side of head and some preassure at the back of head but not unpleasant. If it was any stronger I think it could be unpleasant. Some line-like preassure from the top of left side of head going down into the left eye. 

Ear frequency was weak at start of session but got very strong the stronger the image space absorption was. The stronger the absorption the more diffused the eye focus would be and less eye lid blinks. 

Very nice discipline Papa che.

I want to ask you a few questions, because you mention mental images/thoughts a few times.

How often are there mental visual images arising like the one of the timer you mention, alongside the experience of objects ?

Can you sense how many layers go into the perception of body, something like discerning body/space/room/sense of the space your body is in/mental images/localisation of mental images in space ?

What is the nature of these diverse elements ? How do they relate with one another ? How do they relate with you, where are they relatively to you, spatially speaking ? 

Can you play with those perceptions and how they are put together ?

Images like that happen all the time. The image space for me is clearer than my feet sensations at this time. 

The sense of here and there I've had until recently. Right now the seen is in image space, like a picture. I could stop noting and think "the spot I stare at is over there" but if I keep noting then it's just in the image and this image is changing (eyes opened) depending on the absorption state. 

These "movements" I've been sensing as of late seem like that "urge" to "claim" a certain experience. Shargrol did suggest to me several months ago to watch urges. I think these "movements" are it. It's like a "force or power" but seems to be part of the Idea Space (thinking space ? ) 

When you say image space do you mean  mental visual imagery or vision ?

I was talking about discerning the different elements which come into the perception of objects of attentiin, like "the body" or "this spot ober there". There's a lot going on there.

I think you could go more subtle than noting. IME noting can prevent one from beeing able to discern with a higher level of resolution. 

Yes both vision and mental imaginary stuff are image space. I've had the image of the room merge with a mental imagination image. As if both images were transparent. It makes sense as it's all in the mind no. 

There is lots of subtle happening in noting when subtlety arise. Trust me. It will get more subtle once I get into A&P again. Just patience  

I know what I'm doing and I do appreciate your suggestions I do have Jhanas cycling within a Nana stage and all sorts of subtle happens there. It's a mish-mash of stuff I just need to find a way to continue practice with my new rather physical job. Noting Aloud is perfect for just that. 

Btw I did mention that stage in my log 1 where I've had the perception of everything being over there with eye space being the over here. At times it was in the eyes and at times behind the eyes. Now that perception of "distance" is not there during noting. At least not for now. It might come back again. One never knows. 

Here is a lovely reply from you to Linda exactly my point of view well said! 

"I think you are the one who has the answer. You have all the skills you need.

What do you need to do ? Ask yourself that, and you'll probably find that you know exactly what to do. What's missing ? Why are you struggling ? What doesn't add up ? What are you trying to understand ? Follow your intuition and emotions. When you ask yourself real questions like that, what brings about the deepest response from the being ? Tune your practice to something that opens something up, and rings true. Meditation is like music - in fact the buddha used that imagery a lot. What sounds right ? "

Hehe, yes but then again, pointers from people disrupting my practice from time time to is also needed !

Fair enough, though. I just felt like suggesting lines of potential curiosity which might be helpful. But helping others is extremely difficult and not always wanted. My bad.

I'm thankful. I really am. Thank you. I'm sure your words will kick in when they are of most benefit. Seeds sprout when conditions are right  

Ok let's wrap this one up. 

Had a very tough working day moving lots of heavy packages which left me jaded tired! Will just go to bed early as I'm back to work tomorrow. 
No practice today. 

Even though heavy I enjoy the work and mingling amongst people who are oblivious to Dharma. I mean some never even heard of The Beatles or Pink Floyd  

Will do lifeing and practice as it presents itself. No rush. It's Here anyway. It's always just now.

Will practice when it feels right and just live. 

I will try and report if some "special" experience happens as it inspires others. But in general I will stop logging and will move out as I'm sure this community is big time ok without my presence and in very good hands.  

May you all be well and dandy and keep up the good practice! 

Moving out? That's a big blow to me and the community as you have really helped but I'm disapointed you're not going to practice as much. Good luck to you!

Same here - don't be too much of a stranger, Che!  Though, I am sure you are making a good decision to take a step back for a while.  Best of luck to you regardless my friend.

Sam mate you are in a very fortunate position now! You have a good teacher and there are good folks here that can help you with advice. 

You be kind and gentle to yourself. 

btw, I'm not stopping practice because of the physical nature of my low paid job and minding my son afterwards I will be rather tired to do contemplative practice during the weekdays. I'm sure weekends will suit me better. 
Also I do keep mindful contact during the day, not profound mindfulness but I can now track Urges during the day and see them pass. Not all of them but it's a start. When I drive 30 minutes to work I'm rather noticing sensations and actions without much effort. 
I don't think I am able to totally get lost in content, at least not for too long. It's the way this practice works you awaken more and more. Maybe there is that "click" moment at the end of the path but there is also this gradual awakening developing more and more. 

Keep practicing but also be kind to yourself and be patient. 

I will stop by of course and read you and say hi but will stop logging for now. 

Cheers mate! 

Your reports will be missed! The combo of accuracy, passion and no bullshit was and is inspiring. Good luck to you, and let's stay in touch  

yes we shall stay in touch. You are my only dharma bro in Denmark after all  

Let me drop a quick and dirty update;

I practice freestyle noting aloud on weekends and last Sunday could see 3rd Jhana dominating the sit for some reason. Lots of murk in the image space and vanishing of the center. 

Monday and Tuesday off cushion I was very reactive and agitated and nothing could give me any pleasure at all. Sounds were agitating and people talking too. I felt sadness and felt like being alone. Nothing had any value and all felt hopeless. 

Today had time to sit as I was off work I managed to sit 3 x 45 minutes and could certainly see re-observation at play. Of course. There was murk and vanishings, fear from a sound I've heard (maybe was in my head as my dog didn't react), sadness/mystery, (not any disgust), and wish this all would just stop, and towards the end of sit strong urge to get up and do something else instead of sitting. This last urge was seen in the image space as an idea. Image of me removing my hands from the mudra position which I do after the timer chimes in. There was a strong pull to get up with this image-idea. But I resisted and kept noting it. 

Body jerks were present but body pains were not there. No stifness and such. Little bit in the neck but no big issue here. Some scenario spins. A few sharp itches, and some vibrations and pressure in the skull on top but always to one or the other side. Buttocks and one leg would get numb by the end of the sit. Hands would have soft pins and needles vibrations. 

The visuals would not start from first Jhana but rather would already be diffused and wider from the start it seems. 

Im also noticing the noting speeding up and going without much of any controlling in form of being certain about it. If I was in doubt I would use the "certain" label for a few spins to see if indeed it's matter of fact but soon realize it's all certain and matter of fact and I just let it flow. 

The voice is rather quiet and a bit humble-like. Almost as if I was beaten up really bad and now I dare not to speak up with too much pride. 

Tomorrow also off work and will try and sit a few times to untangle this stage some more. 

Thanks so much for your support on this forum. All the best with your practice, whatever form it takes. Please keep us updated when you can.

It's nice to have work! Hoping I can join you in this endeavor at some point.

Thanks Brandon! Good man yourself!  

This job is a bit uncertain at the moment. It seems they are not getting enough packages during the day shift and I really don't feel like working nights. 
I will know more about it next week I guess. 

For now this gives me more opportunity to sit and practice! no time for wasting wohooo! 

Sat a 45er freestyle noting aloud. 

First part of the session was Vipassana and rather fast. Contacting objects with ease. Not much absorption there. A few body jerks during this part. Not body stiffness except a bit in right side of neck but very weak. 

Then at some stage the noting from object to object went more object and then more into that same object and here there was more interest and more engagement and this is when murk took over the image space and the whole room I look at (open eyes) bechamel very dark, almost black and white. Then part of the periphery started vanishing and then the center started vanishing too. Lots of movement in the murk. At the same time keeping mindful of the body sensations, mind states and feelings, and all this was effortless and part of the whole mish mash. 

Then something new happened;
the whole image space changed the color from very murky to some kind of light blueish haze, had that pastel feel to it, very soft. As if the entire image space had this as a curtain I front of the murk. 
It appeared after the eye lid blink, this change from utter murk to pastel bluish haze. In this haze all was even and visible. 

Towards the end of sit there emerging from the absorption into the usual color of the room and it ended up as a straight noting with some boredom. 

Had another 40 minutes sit and at the end again there was a strong urge to get up and go eat something as there was a hard sensation in the upper belly that was known as hunger. It even was causing nausea. Very unpleasant. Again I can see this urge being connected to the unpleasant numbness in the but, leg and arms and an image-idea of me getting up. There is a pull there. Strong pull. I remained sitting and even invited the restless urge to arise again so to see it well. It's caused by body sensation and then idea-image of the action required to move and get up. 

Lots of body jerks. Image train of people from my work and this forum (in form of their names or avatars). 

Absorption did not develop into murk this time nor did anything interesting happen in the eye image space. 

There was focus and slightly diffused. At times rapid eye lid blinking and at times no blinks for longer time. 

Lots of itches, sharp and some of them developing into a small vibratory area. None of them lasted very long. Also sensed a few crawling "insect" sensations on skin with an image of a Tick crawling on my skin feeling disgusted. 

Update; 

Got a call today that my team has lost the job as they are not expecting that many packages during the summer. Will search for another job instead. Crap! But I will have more time for practice until new job shows up. 

Last night couldn't fall a sleep until very late. Just rotating on the bed from one to the other side. Restlessness big time. 

Sat now a 45er freestyle noting aloud. 

As I seem tired it was a very sluggish start. Throughout the entire session there was no way to penetrate the object. So I decided to contact as many as I can as fast as I can. It was a slow noting likely 1-2 sensations a second with this dreamy sluggish energy. 

No Jhanic absorption's but slight diffused focus. The eye lids were blinking rather fast and the edge of eyelids were rather sore feeling, hence this rapid blinking. 

Legs had dull pins and needles vibrations but so weak in intensity that it was hard to penetrate them. same with left arm and hand. Vaguely there, hardly noticeable. I could feel this being source of the urge to move or to just get up. There was this "idea-movement" but I just can't see it! I can sense it, and even in the image space it seems like a shadow moving towards moving the actual body into action to get up. It really has much force!

I really feel as if I was never practicing in my life and this is my very first sit ever! I do have memory of my past practice but it could have easily been a damn dream. I mean I know I had a practice and all but right now feels as if I never had one and never mastered or learned anything. 

Anyway after a while there was strong urge to get up and go eat something (hard like a rock sensation in the upper belly, comprehending hunger). So I got up but continued to do noting in a standing position instead. When left leg got so full of itching and crawling insect sensations I decided to sit again and continue with noting. Timer chimes in. I thought "fuck this one was restless and dull". I also said, as always "may this practice be of benefit to many". 

Just to add; many body jerks present and many sharp itches which lasted longer and were very unpleasant but they did not result in becoming wide and with many bubbling sensations as was the case in the past. Now they seem deadly solid as a sharp needle stuck into the skin. My practice is going backwards! 

ok off to eat something now!  

You had me scared there for awhile! Glad you're still posting.

Yes, he's back! 

I lost the job after two weeks! Call that good luck I'm in love with my Karma  

No job = more time to practice and sharing is caring! 


But I am looking for another job that is part time and has flexible hours. Not easy but not impossible. I just have to dig after it! 

Some people have to pay big money and negotiate with their employers and family to go one retreat and ge the practice they want. Unemployed folks like us get the same freedom at a discount. Sounds like good karma to me!

Yes! I have been on retreat all year 

Just sat a 45er. Freestyle noting aloud + white 3cm in diameter Kasina circle with a black 1cm hole in the middle of it. (It's just a piece of furniture that I've cut out). 

The sit started very laid back. No rush. No aim. Just noting. Sensory clarity was there but sensations themselves did not break up into their su components much. Sharp itch then gone and similar appearance. Noting voice was loud and firm and flowing like butter. 

The new Kasina caused some thoughts of doubt as it's very white. Noted all this doubt. Then at some stage there was interest in the sensations of the palms and arms and absorption kicked in in the visuals. The Kasina was the center and was solid as a rock throughout (at the end it changed). 

The space around it was flickering, some shapes but nothing very clear. A few times the whole image space shook a few times. 
All other notings of birds singing, cars passing, body sensation were included along the absorption. I have noticed the ear frequency went from silent to high pitch as soon the image space absorption kicked in. The body was very still and calm. There were body jerks at the start but not during this absorption. 

Then towards the end of session the Kasina got a black halo around it which was very dynamic. Moving up and down and left and right and seemed behind the Kasina. 
Then all image got solid and 2D like. Kasina was just plain 2D white and solid. The lack hole in the Kasina object was just black and 2D and solid. The bee hive box (ochre) this Kasina was leaning against was just a 2D Black square. 

Timer chimes in but I continue to watch this new produce of absorption to see if it changes. After a few more minutes I decided to snap out of it. 

Off to Hoover and clean the house now. 

Just to share my fancy new Kasina object  
placed against that ochre beehive box 2 meters away from me in the level of my solar plexsus. 

Sat a 45er. freestyle noting aloud.

This was 4 hours ago so will try and remember what happened;
I did expereince a few VERY sharp itches as if someone stuck a metal needle into my leg! Also had image on an insect like flea doing this sticking, looked at my dog and felt annoyance as maybe he is the one carrying the feals (he usualy sleeps beside me when I meditate and with open eyes I do note all his moves and hear all his noises). I did feel disqust here. Some noise in the house made me fearful.

Expereinced many body jerks in the start but later less once the absorption took over the image space and it was murky. Not many vanishings of the center only a few.

Then preassure in the skull at the back then one side then the other. Then there was a very tingling wide spot on top of the head with hundreds of tiny massaging vibrations under the skin.

I felt both hot and cold at one stage.

Stiffness in the neck was there and a bit of numbness in the lower back to the right side.

Noting was all over the place as if attention wanted to be with all sensations at a same time. There were images people and some scenario spins. 

All in all a very erratic feel to it all.

Off cushion, slight irritation in the hearing and arms and shoulders but menatly spacey and calm too. Yeah, very weird. 

BTW, Im not mentioning the eye sight blip anymore as its happening all the time anyway but Im loosing interest in it. Its just happening as hearing of the birds chirping. I find itching to give gladness as its very observable especially when it lasts. High pitch ear frequency is also very obvious especially when absorption takes place. 

I think thats about it. none of this was described in chronological order just so you know.

Sat a 55er. Freestyle noting aloud + Kasina object for the open eyes. 

Slight disorientation and some urge to find something concrete or different than This was observed throughout the sit. Focus was slightly diffused. Absorption was not really on the menu today. 

Right side of head, neck, throat, shoulder blade and lower back feels stiff, or preassure or numb or sore. 
I have even observed the right eye seeing the nose much clearer than the left eye. 

Strong preassure in the side and top of the skull as if something is pushing inwards. Back of the head is just some general preassure and left side of the head top and slightly back where the crow chakra is, I believe, had many tiny vibrations on or under the skin. 

Afew sharp itches that vanished. Quiet a few body jerks. 

Towards the end sudden restlessness was experienced in form of numbness in the but and image of the timer. Got up from the chair and continued standing meditation. After a while sat again and continued to the end of session. 

Also there were images of people and situation involving the same. These images on repetition would loose parts of the image and become less and less vivid as if dissolving. 

Off cushion; 

a bit dreamy image space, in and outbreath seem to have same length, calmness, stiff neck (right side), migraine like headache right side of head where I've experienced that preassure going inwards from the skull into the brain, during today's sit. 
There is also an urge "to do something" present , restless. It's being acknowledged and observed. It's like a crazy idea desiring something else than this. And it really seems to be part of the mental image and thinking. I'm yet to clearly observe it. So far there is some sense of "movement" to it. As if it's able to actually pull the body into action. 

Got call from my previous job as they needed help today with a large shipment. It was a "heavy" day and I'm dying to take a hot shower just to relax these muscles. However this is the last day at this job. 
Not sure I will have the energy to practice today but will add an extra sit tomorrow. 

Ok, but it's back to retreat tomorrow! 
P.S. If you get a chance, checkout the new format and specifity of my log and comment if you can

I will check it out Sam! Yes back to sitting tomorrow!

Sat a 45er. Freestyle noting aloud. Half session open eyes, the rest closed eyes. 

Started with images of people, feeling of sadness in the chest as a pulsating sensation, was unpleasant. Tear-like sensations around the eyes. 
There was a feeling of self pity and it seemed to be in the vibrations just under the skin of the skull, covering the entire top of the head, both sides. 

Body jerks at the start of session but subsided later on. Only one extremely sharp itch in the leg. Passed fast. This was the moment I closed the eyes as a reaction to this sharp pain and I decided to leave them closed and see what happens. 

Absorption was nothing further from pixelated and focused. A few jerks of the entire image space. 
In the murk of the image space there were smoke like formations rising from the bottom up. It was dynamic but the smoke was not soft looking but rather pixelated. 

Then the image changed to some dark purple haze and there were unclear or unfinished images passing by in a diagonal direction. It's as if these crude images had only their sceletons. 

Then at one stage my noting turned to words "this is seeing, this is hearing, this is touching, this is imagining, this is ..." as there was nothing other but this, no matter what shape or form This is. 
At this stage tiny light dot appeared in the center of the image space (closed eyes) but didn't last for long. 
then the image space turned into some weak ochre colored shapes and the background was dark. Nothing very clear but more flickering. 

I have noticed eye balls turning upwards during the observing of the image space. 

Ear frequency was very high pitch in both ears but seemed as if the left one was slightly higher in pitch than the right one. 

Off cushion;

im hearing the noting voice mumbling words in the dark image space. 

So nice that you are logging again! I like the level of detail in your latest report. Inspiring to follow you, keep up the good work! 

Cheers mate! 

Sat for another 45er. Freestyle noting aloud with open eyes. This time used those words that came about on their own in my last session "This Is ...". As in "There is nothing other than This". No striving no going anywhere as all of it is This. 

By using This (moment) Is in front of each noticing I've found that there were fewer mind movement towards or away from any particular sensation. It just is what it is. There was more of a Wonder quality and no striving. Striving would arise as that mind "movement" in the idea space or clinging space, can't tell as I havent seen these details yet but it seems like an idea-image with a very jerk fast movement to cling. As I said, not seeing this in fine detail just yet. But even that "movement" was This. 

Btw, there were body jerks throughout the entire session and sadness around the eyes and around belly and chest. Right neck feels stiff and lower right back numb. There was a preassure in the left side of the skull on from top pressing inwards and lasted for a few moments. 

Ear high pitch was there all the way but would get stronger with absorption kicking in in the image space. 

Image space absorption was strong this time and had the center vanishing in the round dark grey cloud, then all turned to a purple-grey haze that was dynamic. Mostly coming in from bellow. Image did have that murk quality to it. 

All of this was noted by using "This is ..." words and realization that nothing is "down the path someplace in time". 

During this video which was made afterwards there was no absorption as I have snapped out of it as soon I got up after the bell. 

https://youtu.be/Pjg6vhMQ5H8

Nice level of detail and nice video! 

Thank you Sam! 

Sat a 45er. Freestyle noting aloud. Eyes open and gazing on a Kasina object. 

Throughout the morning I felt preassure in top of my head. I thought it to be part of the hangover from yesterday's strong absorption in the image space. 

Sat down and quickly realized that the eye focus is very diffused and wide. There was a slight preassure just above the eye balls. The image space did not turn murky at all during this sit. It was rather flat and had a lighter grey/smoke kind of appearance. 

There was a train of images of people and scenarios spins. This subsided after a while. 

There was a very strong sensation in the skull (as if it inside the bone structure) spanning from one ear to the other and was in shape of a line, following the hair line just above the forehead. This would have a stronger preassure then subsided and had something to do with the heartbeat or pulsating of the blood/heart. Not sure but could sense that heart pumping when this skull line was there. 

Then there was lots of tiny vibration at the top of the head on and under the skin but nothing sharp and unpleasant, rather pleasantish. 

Neck stiffness was there all the way as was the numbness in my lower back from sitting. 

Sit started with a few body jerks but this subsided later on when the left side of my lips got a feeling of sedation (yes, same as when you go to a dentist and get that injection to sedate you). The very part that was sedated was the corner of the lips were they meet. There was a pull of a muscle there as well in a pulse like manner.

Seems to me most of the meditation was around the head but body was certainly noted. 

The ear pitch is high but has a glassy character to it. There is also a slight low pitch "bruum " in the background of the high pitch sound. 

Had one sharp itch at start of session in the leg. Passed immediately. I jawned one in the middle of the session which caused tearing in the eyes. 

General feel was neutral or pleasantish or unpleasantish (borderline).

I think that's all.

Your logging is getting better and better. Inspiring to follow you. Some of your remarks influenced my sitting today (check my log for details). Keep up the good work .

Let me add to the above;

those mind movements I keep perceiving indeed seem like "going for something" it could be an Anticipation or else, even an Image Interpretation of something. When I see them as a movement these don't really get into Form. There is just that quick movement towards something. 

Still not seeing this with greater clarity. 

I also seem to see this better when I use the words "This Is ... (any arising here)" as it gives a clear impression what This Is , like hearing or seeing or whatever and while saying that there is this shadow like movement towards or away from a noticed object. 

I agree Papa Che. Your logging is getting better and better, Great detail. Keep up the good work  I struggled today 

Its good that we can inspire each other on this path as we all know at times it can get rather bumpy and feeling lonely in our everyday life especially if we are not surrounded by a Sangha.
Yeps, keep up sailing this vast ocean of Samsara  

Yes I have seen your log and your struggle Sam. Its The Way of the Insight Cycle! But you did well! One sensation after another you noticed them arise and pass away! This struggle teaches us that ALL experience is to be welcomed and accepted without preference!  
All struggle seems to spring from that push and pull , from aversion and desire. I like this expereince and I dislike that experience.  
Practice makes perfect! This is a gradual progressive path. Have faith my friend you ARE doing great!  

Off cushion;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0G24JcvPnw

Sat a 45er. Freestyle noting aloud. Open eyes fixed on a Kasina (dirt spot on a Ochre box) 

Feel a bit dreamy and spacey so lemme see if I can recollect the experiences ... 

Sit started pleasant, noting was fluid and body was solid. Slight imbalance in the lower body and left arm which was tense throughout and needed to be relaxed. 

Train of thoughts about people from past but also present and how I relate to all that, the similarities and how that which goes around comes around. Karma stuff I guess. 
With each image of a person in mind I send wishing well even if there might be aversion present. 

Body started to jerk. Unpleasant numbness in the but against the chair. Left hand clenching the right hand a few times. Upper teeth could be felt where the root of the teeth meet the nerve/flesh. This had vibratory sense but as if it was condensing. 

Then at one stage there were vibrations on the skull just under the skin. 
Vibrations on the skin between eyes, a bit higher where the eye chakra is believed to be. This spot really felt like it's condensing (word?) as if something is condensing all of the vibration on a larger scale into this spot. That was the sensation and impression of it. 

Visuals were nothing "special", diffused focus which got more diffused but no changing, no flickering, no murk or else. The entire image space was even. 

There were mind movements as described before (idea-image-jerk) which I think is the very clinging movement. The eye sight blip might also be part of it but haven't had the chance to go deeper into it. 
I might be wrong on this one. Will look some more as it presents itself. 

High pitch ear frequency kicked in as soon I started meditating/noting. It just went up in volume. 

Right now stiff neck to the right. Extra high pitch in ears with some a unpleasantish low frequency under it. Preassure from top of the head on the right side. Dreamy spacey image space/sight. Calmness overall with slight agitation from that low frequency (it seems like a rave beat pumping style frequency). 

Great detail. Great job mate! 

Cheers Sam here is Off Cushion info   ;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7lNtFnrHMA

Where's your sit for today? You're not slacking man are ya? 

Mr Buddha gave me a free day  

pic upload

Today is a family day, walks on the beach, throwing stones into water, picnic while staring at the water and sky while the wind is gently breezing over the skin and the sound of waves and seagulls tranqilisizing the mind. 
Now blissfuly tired, finishing up a pizza and watching movie Madagascar  

My family is on holidays for 3 week so I too decided to not look for any work during these weeks and spend some quality time together. 

Of course most days will have an open window or two for sitting practice to arise. 

Oh wow, enjoy! That's beautiful.

Sounds great! Enjoy it, my friend 

Thank you all! Yes it was a very nice day and I could feel the effects of it in the evening as well. The image of the sea, sky and the beech was in my mind throughout the evening and the mental hearing space was under the same impression as if actually listening to the waves (but no sound). Blisfully calm and tired.

Then come bed time and Fear just flodded over me. Even woke up a few times listening for sounds which were not there. Had some dreams but cant remember what it was about.

This morning VERY stiff Left (usually its right) shoulder blade and left side of neck, very sensitive to noise and sounds (unpleasant), slight diffused eye focus, lots of emotionality in the chest in form of shallow breathing.

Sat a 45er. FNA/OEK (freestyle noting aloud/open eyes Kasina )

Stiff left shoulder blade and left neck throughout. Numbness of the lower back from sitting. 

Hands and arms numb-like with pins and needles in skin. 

Coolness in the skin in general. 

Image space got murky fast, diffused focus, dark grey cloud in the center and a few vanishings of the Kasina dot. Periphery has movements from underneath. Later on the image stayed murky but not many movements except eye sight blips. 
During the dark grey cloud absorption the eye lids did not blink. Otherwise eyelid blinks were rather present. 

Ear frequency is high pitch with some low frequency rumbling in the background. 

Posture was not slouching. 
Very few body jerks and when happening they seemed like they would crack a spot in the neck and would be a pleasant relief. 

Noting voice almost immediately sounded mumbling mantra-like, rhythmic, low, vibrating in the throat and sinuses and mouth. There was even a creat pitch in the sinuses like a note accompanying the noting voice. The noting voice was more like talking through the nose if you know what I mean. 

A few thoughts and images about forum member and my closest family. Noting it all and wishing well. 

Off cushion;

the usual right side stifness has moved to the left side and its very painful as if there is a stick stuck under the left shoulder blade. The stuffness goes up the left side of the neck and there is stiffness in the left side of the shoulder itself and the left side of lower back.
This creates a rather dull sensation in the head and is affecting the mood, some sadness (wetness around eyes) is there.

Also observing urges (mind movements towards doing something, as a pull away from what is) which seems to have something to do with the chest and throat heaviness-unpleasant sensations. Fine vibrations in the palms-fingers and arms.

Vibratiions at the back of the skull and sense of eyebrows being heavy.

Going to sit soon.

Sat a 45er. Usual practice of FNA-OEK. 

Started with 1-2 notes per second, normal voice moderate volume. Started seeing that "mind movement" at it really seem to be in the image space and idea space. It has no form as such and seems more like a shadow blob that's leaning towards some desired action to become. I've noticed it during this intial noting as a "thing" that would like to be sure if all is indeed matter of fact labeling. 

It seems to be the very thing that grabs onto something to become Form that can lead into Action. It seems like it's the very move towards Clinging. If this mind movement can be just seen for what it seems to be then it doesn't become. And yet all the rest is still experiencing, arising and passing and is doing so with or without that mind movement being there. 
I hope this makes some sense. I will watch this some more as it presents it self on and off the cushion. 

After a while the notic voice got more mumbling and mantra like and got very fast and clear. Then the open eyes image space got solid and sharp and the body got hot. Pleasant sensations from the hands spreading into arms and pleasant energy wave washed down the body and body became solid and still. 

At some stage the body got very hot and this was unpleasant and a few body jerks happened. 

Then something interesting happened in the image space;
The center of the image , the Kasina (dirt spot) and around it (maybe 20-30 cm) was solid and just slightly soft but the line between "center circle image" and "periphery image (a bit more blurry)" had some translucent lines both left and right and they were dangling gently like in the wind left and right as if hanging in those spots. It was as if these movements were massaging the image space. Was pleasant. More curiosity aroused by this. 

Then image space got murky. The usual dark grey cloud in the center started to vanish the Kasina object (dirt spot I stared at). Then the whole image got very murky and the peripheral part of the image beneath the center got sucked out in a jerky motion and placed back were it was while the center was solidly there in the murk during this. That bottom part of the image did not break off. In appearance it was more like a rubber that was pulled and the released. This happened very fast. 

Stiffness of shoulder, neck and back was there but would also vanish then arise and vanish. The stronger the absorption the less I would feel stifness. 

Still, during all this visual noting there was other stuff noted as well, like birds singing, hearing cars passing, abdomen rising and falling etc ... 

I think that's all of it. 

Sat a 45er. FNA-OEK (freestyle noting aloud-Open eyes Kasina). 

The image space absorption was strong and was dominating the entire sit. 

Started with pleasant hand warmth and subtle soft vibrations, body sank into the gravity, was solid, focus too. Not much happening in the visuals at first. There was a eyesight blip but the image was solid. The ear frequency was there but not loud. 

The image space got more central and less clear in periphery and some pixelation in the center, body got hotter/warmer (same as when the room is getting a bit too warm). 

Then image got more murky but not totally as all seen objects were still recognizable. 
Then at some point dark grey could took over the central position and after a while the center spot I stare at was vanishing and reappearing. EDIT; at this stage ear frequency, the high pitch got very loud. 

At some point the image got more even ad slightly lighter in appearance and the upper part of the image including the center (2/3 of the image space) moved left while the bottom part of image moved right. It was jelly like in appearance. 
Then the central image wobbled in a way a jelly cake (word?) would if you are to hit it gently on the side. 

Towards the end of sit there was boredom. 

There was stiffness in the right shoulder blade and in the neck. Numbness in lower back. A few very sharp itches. A few body jerks. 

Noting was effortless and there was this mind movement like and idea moving towards "checking" if indeed all was matter of fact noting. Like an idea of a "controller". This made me LOL and even this was noted. 

As I'm never mentioning the Map I will now throw my take at what this is. 

It seems to me that my base stage in 3C's and these visual absorption's seem to be Jhanas unfolding within this 3C's stage. 

Today was the very first time me seeing the Jhanas go all the way into the higher EQ (boredom and all inclusivness in the visual field and other senses) which I could only observe s while back in the C&E stage (might be in my old log or here). 

In case I be hit by an A&P stage/event then I might have seen the new pattern how this works post SE (Jhanas within a Nana). 
Not That this knowing is doing much but it's interesting to watch it unfold in this pattern. It's always nice to know the terrain as it removes confusions. 

I might be also wrong about all this. Practice will reveal it all anyway. 

Btw, forgot to share off cushion update yesterday; 

very enjoyable walk in nature with family
photo hosting sites

I tried to make a little video demonstration after my today's sit to show how it is when noting aloud is coupled with strong image space absorption but the phone stopped suddenly as the memory was full. Stil good to share I think. 

During my freestyle noting aloud practice I also focus on a Kasina object with open eyes throughout and observe how absorption changes and develops through the Jhanas. All this while still mindful in other senses. 
https://youtu.be/T35sFpGsQzM

Off cushion stuff;

My son took the Buddha mask off the wall and my old seiza meditation bench and sat in my studio saying he needs to meditate