Am I loosing my mind?

Gregor, modified 3 Years ago at 6/30/20 5:44 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 6/30/20 5:44 AM

Am I loosing my mind?

Posts: 77 Join Date: 1/12/20 Recent Posts
I really appreciate the support in this forum - thanks for all the help so far 


Here's my practice log, I started posting there after the last perceptual shift:


So, the last month I went back & forth with formal practice. To regain some stability I started practicing Shamtha. This was going well for 1,5 weeks, then I had to stop again (feeling of loosing my mind etc.). 
At the same time I started practice Yoga and last Thursday I threw in a 15 minute session of Qi Gong. Yoga felt really good, so did Qi Gong but then on Friday I decided two do 2 sessions of Qi Gong. That was seemingly too much. I had a terrible night & the next day I woke up being in terrible Reobservation/Desire for deliverance. During the entire day I felt super dissociated. On Sunday evening I hit EQ, yesterday everything felt very dream like. I am currently going back and forth between Dark Night & EQ. 
I'm not a map guy and I hope no one here feels insulted but my suffering is tremendous atm. My experience matches Daniel's description of 3rd path. With the last shift I actually thought I was done completely, I experienced the agencyless & the non-conceptual mind for almost 4 weeks but the center has to some degree returned. Although there were times when I felt normal since the last shift, my general experience of life is extremely awareness based/spacious but it still has a center - it's freaky!!! Another thing is the lack of emtions - life seems to be quite flat, after what happened to me in April, emotions even disappeared entirely for a few weeks (I am not depressive). 
Yesterday I spend some time with my girlfriend & everything seemed/seems to be so meaningless to me (altough the emptiness of phenomena is the most libertating thing I experienced in my entire life) + I can still enjoy stuff. 
Another thing is that I cannot really get attached to someone anymore, it has some liberating apsects but I also feel like I am behaving like a dick at times. 
Since 2 days I feel really alienated with a certain 'I don't give a damn' attitude. 
I really feel like being on the brink of insanity & I am not sitting at all! 
I reached out to Hokai Sobol, he seems so nice, I just hope that he can help me. 
Could someone tell me if this is still considered to be normal? All I want is the center to disappear, the self is the worst thing ever! 

Ni Nurta, modified 3 Years ago at 7/2/20 2:01 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/2/20 2:01 PM

RE: Am I loosing my mind?

Posts: 1048 Join Date: 2/22/20 Recent Posts
All I want is the center to disappear, the self is the worst thing ever!
I do not think they do lobotomy these days emoticon
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 7/3/20 3:56 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/3/20 3:56 AM

RE: Am I loosing my mind?

Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
Ni Nurta:
All I want is the center to disappear, the self is the worst thing ever!
I do not think they do lobotomy these days emoticon

i think a medically induced coma is probably the best way forward here.
Matthew R Judd, modified 3 Years ago at 7/20/20 5:13 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/20/20 5:13 PM

RE: Am I loosing my mind?

Posts: 29 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts

I do not want to tell you that you are or are not going insane, or that it is a good or a bad thing, or that it is normal or abnormal. I really know almost nothing about Ingram's roadmaps or terminology. Frankly, the words people use on this forum confuse the hell out of me. I'm much more familiar with the Pali Canon terms and guidelines. 

All I wish to do is share a little bit about what happened to me. Last year I had what some might consider a psychotic break. I don't personally consider it psychosis, but I imagine it could be considered as such or at least something like in that general area. To me, it quite literally felt like I was going insane, though at the time I did not think I was insane. At the time I thought I was perfectly in my right state of mind. It was only looking back that I realized holy s***. 

It lasted 3 days and I consider myself fortunate to have not done anything terribly drastic during that time. I am also thoroughly thankful for the experience, despite the experience itself being one of the worst in my entire life, because it left me much better, dare I say completely new. 

I would recommend to make sure that you have a strong foundation, especially a strong moral foundation, for your practice. With that, don't lose sight of the fact that your mind is just a mind. Pay attention to it and observe it, but know that you don't have to act on it even if it feels like there's something you have to do. 

Looking back, I feel like my experience was like a purge or a cleansing. There was something inside that needed to be released and this experience was the experience of it escaping me. It was something I needed to work through and I imagine I could've continued to delay it for as long as I'd liked, but it would eventually need to occur. 

All of this is to say be diligent in your practice, be wary of what you choose to do with your body and say with your mouth, and above all, keep your sangha or community of peers/teachers close. You're not alone and as long as you don't hurt yourself or anyone else, a little insanity might not be the worst thing in the world. Of course, don't go looking for it! Just follow the steps and the advice of your teachers and peers and never lose sight of the fact that everything that is not Nibbana is impermanent. Your emotional disconnect, your "dickish" attitude, your enjoyment or lackthereof, your alienation... it is all impermanent! Watch it moment by moment and you might notice that it's even in flux right now. 

I wish you the best and I hope you stay safe! (also, if you know you're going crazy than you must not be insane!)