es pro:
Great so what am I and what is the point of life if not love ? Man during the last dark night I wanted enlightenment so bad. But then my heart opened. And through out my awakening, what you saw as a cute quick fix to the dark night , I saw that spirituality is useless and life is love, the path is life itself. But now I crave spirituality again , enlightenment, freedom, emptiness. I am in fullness at the moment, but in a very clinging and imbalanced way. Extreme craving and aversion. I don't see a way out of this hell, except a magical and mystical experience of no-mind, but right now I am VERY-mind. My ego is working every millisecond to judge how happy I am etc. I have almost LOST my mind. I want out of this and love didn't work and isn't working and so now I'm back to wanting annihilation of the self.
i saw this quote once, that love without freedom is attachment (what I experienced the last couple years clearly) and freedom without love is escape. Right now I crave freedom but have neither. I am simply stuck. This sucks and I don't know how it can end. I guess at the very least I can stop clinging to these concepts you claim are "dead" as they are not working for me. Love, dissociation, fragmentation, all these labels of mental illness etc. I need out of this.i
i am most worried about the fact that my sense of self is gone. This seems like a permanent irreversible thing. Like i took mushrooms but it never ended. My sense of self is therefore fighting even harder to protect me from fear. So how am I supposed to let go of my sense of self if it's only strengthening. I guess step one stop clinging. I think the motive behind all this is to preserve my treasured identity, the girl I was so attached to just a few months ago. Now I don't even know who I am, just someone who doesn't really want to exist at the moment, not without love.
A random something:
I've always had trouble understanding what people mean when they say love, and I had trouble understanding what Rumi means when he says love, because clearly he means something else. But I see another expression, that I think easier for me to relate to (probably because of delusion!). Whatever. When reading your posts on this thread, the thing that comes to my mind, is the lines below that I painted bold.
Do not say that I'll depart tomorrow
because even today I still arrive.
Look deeply: I arrive in every second
to be a bud on a spring branch,
to be a tiny bird, with wings still fragile,
learning to sing in my new nest,
to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower,
to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.
I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry,
in order to fear and to hope.
The rhythm of my heart is the birth and
death of all that are alive.
I am the mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river,
and I am the bird which, when spring comes, arrives in time
to eat the mayfly.
I am the frog swimming happily in the clear pond,
and I am also the grass-snake who, approaching in silence,
feeds itself on the frog.
I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks,
and I am the arms merchant, selling deadly weapons to Uganda.
I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate,
and I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving.
I am a member of the politburo, with plenty of power in my hands,
and I am the man who has to pay his "debt of blood" to, my people,
dying slowly in a forced labor camp.
My joy is like spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom in all walks of life.
My pain is like a river of tears, so full it fills the four oceans.
Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and laughs at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.
Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up,
and so the door of my heart can be left open,
the door of compassion.
By Thich Nhat Hanh.