Im back!

Had to go away for a while as I have hit some confusing spot. It helps to just retreat into solitude every once in a while. It really does.
Any way, the practice did continue by doing 30 minutes Ki-breathing (Aikido style) once or twice a day and Freestyle Noting Aloud during the day when most alertfor usual 45 minutes. 

These last few days I have hit a rought spot and had the whole package there from Fear, Mysery, Disqust, DfD wrecking havoc and wanting to renounce this world and go to a retreat for days  

As far as I can say my main base is stil 3rd Nana as the in and outbreath are still short, itches remain sharp but short and body is twiching in meditaion and body is very stiff mostly on the right side. Also having some sharp cut like sensations in the skull at times to the right side from back to front and now to the left side streching from back to front (never in the very middle).

This said, I can clearly see other Nana's unfolding within all this stiffness and jerkiness. At times there are Nana's withing a Nana or Jhanas with a Nana. 
I have also noticed increased sits during tough stages. It seems I desire to sit for more than once a day when heavy agony arises. Yesterday the whole Re-observation package unfolded within the 3rd Nana. Im starting to perceive my hands and arms as vibrating space. I can reason that those are my hands but I cant really sense it that solid way as I cant really perceive touching of the hands or even if they are warm or cold. Just tiny sensations popping in some bubbling pulsations and hands seems hollow. Also the body is perceived as if its shrinking and getting smaller than the room Im staring at.

Two days ago there was something happening in the image space or should I say eye's space. The image was flipping , jerking from left to right and right to left (also was warping as it was a bit liquid). I later figured out that this same shift in persective happens when you quickly close the left eye and then the right eye and shift from one to the next fast. The perspective changes. It seems that the attention cant be at the same time in both eyes even if theyboth are open. Any who ...

About todays sit I've made a short video update as this one was something new to me with Sub-Jhana within Jhana and both within the 3rd Nana and some interesting visuals https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bDHkwkfoWo

BTW, will not update this log every single day. Will do it if/when I have the time after the sit otherwise I can forget certain details if I do it mush later after the sit.

Welcome back Papa Che! I am a big fan of your logs as I also do noting aloud and find what you write very inspirational. I wish you the best in your practice and in the rest of your life  

Cheers Louis! 

it's a dynamic journey that's for sure and one that consumes us whole! 

You're back! 

Missed you. Are in Nana 9, Desire for Deliverance? I just moved into EQ

Good man yourself Sam  

Nice one! If you are in EQ then keep working with Abre if at all possible Teacher helps us stay the course and adjust stuff if necessery!

EDIT; I missed that question of yours! There was a whole cycle of stages and Jhanas within the 3 C's stage of the 2nd path according to my understanding and experience. So yes, was through that too and yesterday was through a full on Re-observation and today things seem to enter the low EQ (still some agitation present especially as the 3C's of 2nd path is wrecking my neck, shoulder blade and lower back, all right side). 
Seems like 2nd path is a confusing place as there are cycles within s´cycles and can be a mixture between Jhanas in Nanas and Nanas in Jhanas and Jhanas in Jahans and Nanas within Nans and ... oh boy  

Let me start rolling this ...

50 minutes sit. Eye lids blinking fast, in and outbreath short and not easy. Every so often sharp itching spots would pass fast but would have some residue left behind them as if the spot got slightly numb but no vibrations. High pitch in hearing space, not able to pinpoint the "place in head" or even if it was in the head. Heat in the hands and arms and tiny many vibrations and bubbling pulsations, Hands felt as if empty of meat and bones, just space with these sensations.

Visuals were flat out even with that hazey but not murky veil over it. At one stage it kind of turned darker and certain bright lines on objects became super lit and bright, vanished a few times but all turned back to the brighter all flat hazy equal image space, without any flickerings or pixels. Eyes shut down at one stage and the eye balls turned upwards, liley over the 3rd eye position (not sure). There was this pixelated center with light grey color and around were dark lava like shapes flowing from outside in shapes.

A few body jerks. Stiff neck and some soreness on the tongue. Cold feeling on the left side of the face, ear and neck and thinking about a cold windy draft maybe hurting my ear as it was so unpleasant and maybe causing ear infection or worse. At this stage thinking about the timer and desire for a hoody so to place it over the head ... scenario spinning. The coldness stopped at one point though. 
Felt unbalance in the sitting posture as if right side is slouching more than the left side. 

Noting tempo was 1-2 notes per second but sped up after the coldness of the left side of face stopped and things heated up a bit. No issues with the lower back and no numbness in the buttocks.

BTW, noticed that Im not expereincing those eyesight blips any more which were very much there only a few months back. But I did notice the mind movement towards the timer during that cold draft xpereince. This movement is still just like an idea thats pulling the body towards action and is very much powerful as it seems automatic and likely burned into the harware of the body. Once noticed, its a passing event.

Will do a 2nd sit after a cup of kafe'  

Had a quick 35 minutes sit due to family stuff. Nothing much to report except me noticing the eye sight blips but they are very subtle or maybe very fast hence not really popping out so clearly to be easily noted. 

Lots of mind images connected to the family stuff that's going on. 

Sat a 45er. Today's 1st sit. 

High pitch in the hearing. First quiet than volume went up a lot. Lots of movement in the image space. Dark lava like mass moving from outside in from both left and right and colliding in the middle creating violet haze that's moving and changing shapes in the middle. 
Then the entire image became filled with tiny flickering Red-Green-Blue dots. It's like this RGB images. Then there was more murk with purplish haze in the middle and back again to the image space entirely being made of these tiny flickering RGB colored dots. 
A few times image lit up into a bronze like background but could not sustain for long.  

All this was behind closed eyes. I've started with usual open eyes gazing on a dirt spot but later the eyelids started closing down more and eye balls started rolling upwards. I went with to see what comes about. 

A few body jerks accompanied with loud cracks in the neck. Felt like a relief. Stifness in the right shoulder blade. No issues with the buttocks sitting on cushion which is neutral in feel. This is nice for a change as for the last several months it was in pain or very numb. 
Hands had pleasant feel to it, some vibration but again kind of hollow inside. More like they are space. 

There was inquiry about "who is noting, who is seeing this" and also at the end stage there was letting go into the flow of sensations and fast noting without control or certainty and here I've noticed again this mind movement as if it needed to make sure all was noted with utter certainty. It really seems like a shadow-idea of sorts. 

I think that's it. Usual hearing of birds, cars passing and mind images and assumptions, anticipations around those. 

Today's 2nd sit, 45er. (+ 10 minutes walking meditation before the 2nd sit)

Noting was rather fast. At some stage mouth was mumbling the labels. Hands had lots of vibrations. Same on the head, face, neck and arms. Strongest vibrations were in the left hand and arm. Not sure if it was unpleasant or neutral in that left hand. 

A few sharp itches and a few itches which were more like vibrations. 

Eye lids blinking rather fast. At some stage when image space absorption was solid the eyelids stopped blinking. 

Mind images would pop out as a short story/idea and would then be replaced by the same image but shorter and shorter until there would just be a part of the image with many parts missing and then there would just be a movement of sort in place of that image. Almost like it was breaking itself into tiny frames of a movie film until just a faint idea of it was stil there. 

Ear high pitch was there , at times loud at times low (right now very loud). 

Image absorption was mostly solid in concentration. Not many changes. A few times the whole image space would jerk up to down and once the dot I'm focusing on which is on a ochre box was solid in the image while the box was jerking up and down fast. There was also a shakeup transparent image within the image of the room (all this is with open eyes). 

Left side of the buttocks was a bit numb and slightly unpleasant. 

Today's 3rd sit, 45 minutes. 

Lots of heat especially in the hands. Crawling sensations on the skin. A few sharp itches. Lots of vibrations in the arms and hands but they are tiny and there is this sense of bubbling sensation almost arising but just can't really take off. The arms felt very heavy at start but became light later on. Lots of wet sensations between fingers due to sweating. 

Ear pitch was high but not the strongest. 

Image space absorption happened a few times but it snapped out of it for some reason. 

Buttock is back to feeling numb against the cushion. The left arm also grew numb towards the end. 

A few body jerks. Eye lid blinking fast. Short in and outbreath. 

Arms felt as if they want to make a move throughout the session. Restlessness I guess. 

This might be my last sit today as family stuff is about to kick in. Ta ta!  

Nice to have you back in the neighborhood, my friend.

love, tim

Good man yourself Tim of the Cross  

I do have terrible news though; my beloved and brand new Vox AC15 amp died on me seems Vox too is subject to old age, sickness and death is there hope?! (Yes! It's under 3 year warranty sending it back for fix up) 

Praying for a speedy resurrection. This is a test of faith, Papaji, hang in there until they roll away the stone, or the Rolling Stones, or something.

Off cushion;

Had a dream last night about a person I had some drama with in the past. I liked that person a lot, even thought that we were becoming good friends until some shit happened and we stopped talking. Even now while awake there are other memories popping out about different people from my past and there are drama scenario spins unfolding. Certainly some sort of defense-offense between me and them. 
EDIT; and there is Led Zeppelin's Immigrant song rocking in the mind's background constantly (which is not a bad thing) 

Will sit soon and see how this resolves itself. 

Off to sit now ... https://youtu.be/y8OtzJtp-EM

Sat a 45er. 

Was a very calm laid back noting session. Half was with eyes open then eyelids closed. 

The image space of open eyes was solid and absorbed, then turning into murk a few times. Not much flickering going on. Rather there was a grid pattern of sorts. Also before the murk the center was more tunnel like with periphery going into blur. 

With closed eyes there were murky liquid shapes moving from outside in but not colliding with the center which was more like pepper-white color, smoke like but more like fine soft dust (no grain to it though, just smooth). 

Tiny bright spot appeared a few times in different places on the image space. It would waning fast. Mostly it was on the left side but never in the center. In the center there was a tiny black spot but also dissapeared fast. Mostly there was a hazy violet smoke changing it's soft shape. 

During noting all this there was also noting of various other bodily sensations like painful spot under the right shoulder blade and stiff neck, hands being light and vibratory, vibrations on the skull and forehead, twitching in the left eye brow, hearing of the pidgeon outside and image impression of it, calmness and relaxation, rather solid and neutral touch preassure of the buttocks against the chair, sore sensation on the right side of the throat, high pitch in the ears, wetness in the mouth and dryness of the lips, falling and rising of anbdomen and abdomen skin rubbing against the shirt (soft and very pleasant), ... generally lots of interest to engage in detail and as if I had all the time in the world , no rush, relaxed and calm noting aloud with absorption present. 

Edit; let me just add this. At one point behind the closed eyes the brighter side of the image that's usually in the center has moved to the upper left corner. Or it seemed like that. And there were some Tesla-coil style lighting bolts shooting from there towards the left image space where there was more murk. The lightning bolts had this pepper-white powdery appearance. 

Today's 2nd sit, 45 minutes (+ 10 minutes walking meditation before the sit)

Started calm with short in and outbreathing. Inbreath seems unpleasant with resistance. Outbreath seems more easy. 

Slow noting aloud 1-2 notes/sec which turned later into very fast noting together with the heat of the body being very unpleasant. As if I was in a hot sauna (which I generally dislike). Hands and arms were kind of numb with many tiny vibrations but not that vivid. A few strong body jerks in the arms region. Lower back was numb and unpleasant. Right side of lower back stiff. Neck stiff on the right side. Right shoulder blade too. 

A few itches but not that sharp. They had some vibratory quality to them but still in the unpleasant category. 

High pitch in ears but to the left side. 
Often hearing of the harvester doing its work on the near by field (imagining its red color and the yellow wheat field). 

A few thoughts about people from the forum mostly visual. Sending wishing well to all when this happens. 

Open eyes half the session the eyes closed down naturally. 
While open eyes there was only absorption in form of the center being clear without any jerks or pixels and periphery being blurred. 

With closed eyes later, there were murky liquify shapes like blobs of hot wax moving into the center and colliding with the purple haze in the center pushing it upwards. Eye balls started rolling upwards from this point. Then the murk was combing from underneath as a wave pattern pushing purple haze upwards. Wave after wave, like bent lines pushing up. Here I've noticed my hands moving upwards too so I relaxed them back into the relaxed position. 
At some point the purple bar took over the entire image space from center outwards and murk was only a bit present in the left side and bottom. 

Generaly;
Started with slow gentle noting then it sped up then it slowed down into gentle noting. 

Woke up today rather emotional. Got to the point this morning where I freaked out and got hysterick.

Decided to do Ki-breathing today instead of the usual noting.
Jyst sat a 45er doing Ki breathing and just simply noticing it all. 
Will do the same tonight. I did slack a bit with Ki breathing for the last few days. Will make sure from now on to at least do it once a day for 30 minutes. It certainly is a good balancing tool for me and is not standing in the way of noting (practiced during separate times of course). 

Today's 2nd sit, Ki breathing with just noticing 45 min. 

Many body jerks. A few times there was a sense of all inside the body awareness shaking rapidly as in an earthquake. Closed eyes image space was flickering and towards the end there was just murk covered in RGB (red, green, blue) tiny flickering dots. 

Inbreathing is now flowing in without gasping for it. It's much softer and easy. Yet the breath seems to not go all the way into the lower abdomen. Instead there is a certain hard blockage in the upper belly. Outbreathing is easier but in the middle of it the breath starts to rush out instead of being Ha-do style squeezed gently and slowly out. 

Will try and sit tonight in ki breathing again before bed time. 

Today's 3rd sit, Ki breathing and simple noticing 35 minutes. 

Feeling now very calm. As there was not really much absorption I feel rather calm now and very present in the body. Eyes are seeing stuff in my music studio and everything looks nice. In ears high pitch frequency and slightly to the left but with closed eyes no way to tell if it's back, center or up front. It certainly could be anywhere even in the image space slightly to the left. But not sure  

Many actual memories from the past concerning my old pre-meditation PTSD troubles. Seeing images of people for a while; Image of Brandon, image of that Arahat that recently died (Ingram made a video interview with him) and image of Jim Morrison from The Doors. 
After these memories and images the body started to jerk several times but not rapid. Some time would pass between each body jerk. 
Hot head, and vibrations on top of the head where crown chakra ought to be. 
Sensations associated with in and out breathing dominated the sit of course; sensations in the throat, coolness in nostrils, abdomen big time, hearing the Ha-do style breathing, etc ... 
The transition between the in and outbreath are becoming more smooth which is good and more pleasant. 

Sat for 40 minutes Ki breathing. 

In and outbreathing was rather stiff and mechanical during the first half of the sit then it opened up in the abdomen. The lower belly was expanding with ease on inbreathing and contracting with ease all the way in. This felt pleasant and and there was gladness about it. 

Many old memories were popping out. High pitch in ears. Some vibrations on right the left side of crown chakra then around the whole crown chakra. 
nothing much in the visuals. No body jerks this time. 

Today's 2nd sit 45min freestyle noting aloud. 

More than half a sit was very unpleasant and attention very jerky, hard to follow. The eyes focus was very aversive towards any Kasina object (dirt spots) it would lend on. Eyes closed instead. There was straining in the eye balls.

At one point there was murk pushing purple haze upwards. The peurpke haze was in the upper parts and thick waves of murk were pushing it up. Then purple haze do I rated the center and large part of the periphery and then the murk came from above pushing the purple (it maybe it's violet) haze downwards. 

A few sharp itches but one was on the left cheek and is the worst itch I've yet experienced. It was if for real there was a thin metal needle stuck in that spot. And the needle is cold, very cold. This itch lasted very long. Many times I was close to scratching it but acceptance was stronger and noted with the itch and unpleasant. This was agony in its purest! It faded at the end rather abruptly. 

Body jerks were more often. High pitch frequency in ears seems like a Pilar with multiple strands of high pitch. Each slightly different. As if it's made like a crystal wound. Strange perception. 

Inbreath crazy short and unpleasant. Outbreath was a bit longer but still in short category. 

Buttocks against the chair was slightly numb but not too unpleasant. Some preassure in the right side of the skull. Neck very stiff on the right side. 

Today's 3rd sit. Ki breathing 30 minutes. 

The inbreathing was going in all the way this time. It seems unclogged finally. Now the abdomen really opens up to the point of no space to expand anymore. Nice. The outbreathing is also going all the way, meaning the abdomen contracts all the way in exhaling everything. 2-3 seconds holding the breathing stil between both in and outbreathing is not causing unpleasant "gasping" for air. So far so good. 

In the first part had vibrations at the back and top of head. Had some old memories popping out, something to do with something I've seen today. Not sure what the connection is though but both are about fish (yes, living swimming fish in water). 

Then came the body jerks but not more than one every 4-5 in and outbreaths. Jerks seem to be always in the arms and shoulders and upper chest. They are neutral in feel. 

Nothing to report in the visuals. High pitch in the ear was present but very "thin" but still loud. 

Most of the noticing was around the sensations associated with Ha-do style breathing (abdomen rising and falling, coolness of air, air in throat ...)

Today's 1st sit, 75 minutes (30 minutes Ki breathing then continued 45 minutes noting aloud). 

During ki breathing had old memories popping out. My beloved first dog. I do miss him and hope he is well (we had to find a new family for him as he was growling at our baby boy when he started crawling on the floor. Immediately after this memory there were thoughts about a DhO member and some scenario spinning. 

Im not sure I can now remember the rest but most was around noticing the abdomen and breathing sensations. 

Noting aloud started in gentle slow pace then just "lost control" and noting aloud became fast to the point of mumbling the words. This however was effortless and easy as "I" was not doing the noting aloud. There was lots of heat in body, head and arms and hands. 

Carpet of tiny pleasant vibrations all over the skull, both side of nose, eye brows, spine/back, hands and arms, legs and feet. A few itches which were sharp, stiff neck but not unpleasant. More like a dull tepresentstion of the line up the neck that's usually stiff. Same with the shoulder blade. The buttocks was numb and had those numb sensations (close to pins and needles but not unpleasant) and some bubbling sensations. 

At some stage the open eyes focus became so wide and diffused to accommodate all this 3C flickering ocean of sensations and the eye lids closed naturally. 
Here in the murk were thousands of tiny starts. They got replaced by some moving frames from left to right where one frame moves slightly diagonally to the other. Then move from right to left and then left to right. It all seems to move from outside inwardly. 
Later there was the murk moving from under as if it was an ocean with waves. Gentle but prominent waves. There was this lower part of image and upper part was just a bit lighter than the murk, like in the night. This was very pleasant. At one stage there was a blink of an image of the Earth from far above as if looked from space just above the Earth. This image passed VERY fast so not taking it to mean shit But it felt "spacey" as in space volume if that makes sense. There was a sense of lightness to it. 

I think that's it ... if I remember something else I will edit this post. 

Edit; high pitch noise in ears was loud and a bit the side. It is perceived as not so "large" and rather thin. (Note the other day it was perceived as rather "thick" and with multiple strands of pitch) 

Edit 2; during Ki breathing there were light "openings" in the murk (closed eyes). It's as if the murk was made of some fabrics and these tiny bright opening would open up here and there and close down again. Like many tiny windows showing something behind the murk. These openings can also be pitch black and both have a 3D look to them. Not able to zoom in to observe them better as they vanish fast. 

Today's 2nd sit. 45 minutes freestyle noting aloud. 

Half with open eyes then decided to close them. 
During open eyes the image space was never dipping into murk and the room had its natural color all the time but there was a curtain-like haze all over the image space. 

Noting started gentle and slow (1-2 sensation a second) then sped up and voice was mumbling words, not even pronouncing them entirely. This felt rather effortless and just flowing. Noting was fast. 

Ear frequency is high pitch and not sure where it is. It certainly is not to the side but I can't tell if it's in the eyes, at the back or middle of head. Not even sure if it's down or up. But it's not to either of  sides that seems certain. 

There were some old memories popping up at the start. This very moment can't remember what it was about (I'm totally blank now and even struggle to remember other details from this sit). 

buttocks was numb and with vibrations but not unpleasant, rather neutral. 

... nah I'm really just blank now. Trying to remember details of this sit is difficult. I will edit this post if memory releases the info.

I think I remember this;
... closed eyes had some movement ... as if there was a ripple, from the middle of the image space going outwardly. This happened twice. Otherwise all other movements were coming from outside in. 

I don't know what channeling means?  

Channeling is like when you are in transmitting for a energy or entity. Its ahrd to explain. It made me think about when you were noting so fast almost like you were under the control of something else 

LOL ok I see. Well, its like attetnion moving from one sensation to the next on its own and both sensations and attention are moving fast. If Im to believe that "I" am the one paying attention to sensations Im in for a very frustrating game. The lesson in 3C's is to trust the attention and sensations doing its thing and let go of the notion that "I" am moving the attentuon from one to the next sensation. Once you let go there is clearly seeing that attention really just zip-zaps from one sensation to the next and its even comical to assume that the idea of "I" could keep up with all that speed  

I might be wrong of course.

Today's 1st sit. 30 minutes Ki breathing. 

Was a very uncomfortable sit. Both in and outbreaths were fighting in and out. At the end of inbreath it was "rushing" towards outbreath and at the end of outbreath "rushing, gasping" towards inbreath. This was very agonizing. 

The high pitch in the hearing space was there and at one point there was ringing in the right ear. As if the blood preassure had changed. I even felt nauseous at this point. 

Then breath became less agonizing and flow like and there was a tiny bright dot in image space above and then another bellow that was pitch black. These vanished fast. 
Then a larger bright circle appeared in the center and vanished as soon Mind-focus went for it. Need to ignore it next time and just stay with breath instead. Well, not ignore it as such but avoid focusing on it so abruptly. Rather just know it's there and let it be in the slightly more diffused focus and not locking into it. 
Would be interesting to see if this becomes that "real" Nimitta as presented by Ajhan Brahm ;) 

Anyway then purple haze came about dancing in the center surrounded by moving murk and I've heard a sound that freaked me out as I didn't know wha that was. 

Right now there is high pitch in the hearing space and in its background low rumbling sub frequency.

I will see if I'm to sit Noting later on or to sit in Ki breathing once more. Will lick the finger and stick it out of the window to check what the weather is like I guess.  

Today's 2nd sit. 45 minutes freestyle noting aloud.

Felt exhausted in a way before the sit. Even sickly. 
Started with open eyes gazing through the window comprehending and seeing the branches moving in the wind, butterflies and occasional bird passing by. Chose that so not to fall into Jhana and keep to the human realm stuff instead. 

Noting started solid, with clarity and 2-3 sensations a second. After a while I've noticed focus going towards diffused so I respected this and moved it onto a usual Kasina (dirt spot on a box in front of me). Nothing much happening in the image space except awareness being aware of the eye space and noticing the nose blob in the peripheral vision. There was a question "who is seeing, who is comprehending?"  
In the image space there was a oblong red circle on the right side of the Kasina spot. The red was like the red earth very powdery in appearance. It lasted there throughout. Moved the focus to that spot and the red oblong circle would vanish. I just wanted to be sure if it's real coloring on that box but it wasn't. It's in the mind image. 

Then noting sped up even more, likely 4-5 sensations a second and it was a mouthful so I just mumbled the words without entirely pronouncing them. At this point Attention was mostly triangulating from abdomen rising/falling, hearing high pitch frequency, seeing, vibration in head/throat/chest from mumbling aloud, hearing the mumbling aloud as being mantra like, touching of hands and touching of the buttocks against the cushion. Zap zap zap zap zap ... I call this fast but might as well be slow for some folks. 
It felt easy and effortless. 

Now feeling still slightly exhausted but filled with gratitude towards this practice. High pitch frequency in the hearing space is loud right now and there is a certain amount of blankness but words still seem to come out easy to be written here. 

My son got fever last night hence me also looking after him during day (well, the whole day really) until he gets better. Will go for COVID test on Saturday and hope it's not that. 
Anyway my time is now spend around him and now managed to sit in Ki breathing for 30 minutes to center myself a bit. Will keep at least ki breathing going until the situation gets back to normal. 

My boy got better after only one day. Fever went down and he is acting like him self; constant play, shouting, running, etc ...  
I feel mentally exhausted as I had to listen about toys and games and all other kid stuff. 
Managed to sit in Ki breathing yesterday 2x30 min and today once 30 min and now 45 min freestyle noting. 

The Noting was rather detached in feel. There is this "floating" feel of the noting and sensations. As there was no "controller" to check if indeed all is matter of fact. There were sensations, attention flip flopping from this to that sensation and there was some sluggish knowing "crawling" behind the sensations and attention in hope to "catch up" maybe? Dunno. I'm failing to describe this. 

Sharp itch. Numb buttock. Stiff right shoulder blade. A few scenario spins. All in all a calm body and laid back attitude. 

Sat a 45er in freestyle noting aloud. Open eyes focused on a Kasina spot. 

Ive noticed no murk in the image space. All space was hazy and even throughout. Some "halo" bright lines around objects appearing and dissapearing. 

The attention was also hazy. Or maybe the awareness of the attention was hazy. The impression of the attention and noting moving here and there. 
All was part of a large hazy "space". 

High pitch in the hearing space. Every so often body jerks. Slight stiffness in the right shoulder. Heat in the body. A few sharp itches passed fast. Slouching back. 

One interesting observation was touch points, like feet on the ground, hands and arms touching the lap and buttocks touching the cushion. All these points seemed to have exact same amount of preassure. They were also a bit "hazy" as in slightly numb but not really. The preassure points were equal. 

If I'm to take a wild guess I would say EQ Jhana-nana in 3C's Nana. Matters little as it's only the practice itself that counts. 

Today's 2nd sit. 45 minutes freestyle noting aloud + open eyes Kasina. 

Very similar to the first sit except many more body jerks especially during the first half. A few sharp unpleasant itches. One of the lasted long then abruptly gone. 

Same equal preassure points on feet, buttocks and hands/arms. The touch points are neutral and seem as if they are of same preassure against the surface they touch. 

Image space equaly hazy all over. That bright halo arising and passing around one particular object close to the Kasina I look at. 
Towards the end the murk started to appear in the image space but was not establishing that well. The image shook a few times from right to left if looked from the meditators perspective but it felt as if it shook from left to right from the objects perspective (if that makes sense). 

Slight boredom. Few times absorbed into scenario spins. Felt as if a river whirlpool sucks fast into the scenario spin then spits it out to the surface of the flowing river again. 

I think that it. 

Today's 1st sit 30 min Ki breathing. 

Decided to go with ki breathing as I detected this morning lots of aversion and upset emotions. Haven't done it yesterday so will start with it today. 

The in and outbreathing both were very unpleasant. After a while there was a sharp pain in the right lungs on the inbreath. 
Generally the breathing felt rather disgusting. 

Train of erotic fantasies dominated the first part of the sit. 

Every now and then body jerks. Body hot and started to sweat even though it's rather cold in the room I sit in. 

In ears high pitch with low frequency rumbling underneath it. 

At the back of the head sensation of an insect crawling during the second half of the sit. 

Stiffness in right side of neck and shoulder blade. 

Today's 2nd sit 45 min freestyle noting aloud. 

Noting was fast with a low mumbling voice. 
Many times there was a sharp pressure in the right side of the skull on the top. Felt also at times preassure in the top of the brain under the skull. Same side. 
noting was free flowing. There was question "who is noting, who is talking, who is knowing, who is seeing?"  
Again there was a lack of the "controller" of noting. The clarity of the noted sensations was clear. A few times there was inability to find words for the noticed objects which was also noted. 

Body jerks were few but throughout the sit. 

Not much in the image space; some eyesight blips, and the center was more clear than the periphery. Towards the end the eyelids went into gaze position then locked down. Some action in the dark of the closed eyes but nothing clear. 

High pitch in ears was changing volumes from quiet to loud. 

lower back and buttocks were neutral in preassure feel and towards the end became numb and slightly unpleasant. 
Stiffness in right side of neck. 
one big jawn. One big sneeze. 
Left hand was clenching the right hands several times. Would relax it as soon noticed. 

Today's 1st sit. 35 minutes ki breathing. 

At the start the in and outbreathing was relatively long and effortless but I could also sense some movement in the mind-body as if an "idea" is moving about, pulling here and there. It has some frantic energy to it. Likely restless energy. This caused some strain at the end of both in and outbreathing. 

There was inquiry into "who is this idea-energy moving about?" "Who is breathing, who is knowing , who is this idea-moving energy?"  

Body seems to be doing it's own thing, the ki breathing. There was knowing of this and there was also this moving of the idea-energy from here to there in a frantic way. Is that the sense of "controller" or "leader"? I don't know. But there was this intimate quality to this inquiry. 

Later the breathing was flowing without much strain and was rather pleasant. 

Some thought scenarios spinning and they seem again like whirlpools in a giant river. Suck the attention right out of the sensate experience into a dream realm and then spits it out into the body. There is realization that the body is still doing its thing on its own, weather the attention is in dream world or aware of the body sensations. 

Image space was not much dynamic and did not spark interest. A few bright spots here and there and some haze moving from left towards right but from inside outwardly towards the center. As it was moving from the side of the face towards a center someplace far in the center of this image space. 

a few itches but nothing major. One or two body jerks. 

Today's 2nd sit 45 minutes. Decided to go with Ki breathing again and do noticing and inquiry. 

At start there were many memories from past and have something to do with this Ki breathing I used to do then and am doing now. 

In breathing started short and had unpleasant feel. Out breathing was longer and easier. 

All the thoughts were seen without attention being sucked into the thought-dream state. They were more like clouds passing by. 

There was lots of presence in the eye space. Image space was not of much interest but had some movements. 

Some fear did arise in the start too. As if there was some need to be more silent and not breath too noisy as is usually the case with ki breathing. So the breathing went on more quiet and more savoring each in and outbreathing. After a while both in and outbreaths were long and without struggle and lower abdomen was rising up and falling down fully. 

There was not much inquiry this time. Just noticing. Generally a pleasant sit. Ah yes, this time noticed more often the high pitch frequency in hearing space. 

EDIT; another thing to mention. The eye lids opened up a little bit later on during the sit. Usually this is not the case. Eyes could see the lap and hands on it through the eyelashes a bit. Then eye lids closed down again. 
Also eye ball movements depending on the in and outbreath were usually observed but I forget to mention this. It's a large part of what is usually been noticed during ki breathing for me. 

Back from my retreat which was a waste of time. I am so glad you son got better after only one day. It looks like your practice has been humming along the last 6 days.

Welcome back Sam ! 
Practice is what practice does ;) wohooo!  

Woke up today very drowsy. Sat for 30 minutes in Ki breathing. Body is doing fine long and struggle free breathing but the mind state was littered with jerky states of thoughts and focus and attention jumping here and there rapidly. Very much "all over the place" and inability to focus on anyhting. There was noticing of all this as well as the high pitch frequency in hearing space. Pressure in the upper and back of skull. Some numbness in the forehaed and lots of presence in the eyes. I would not say "behind" the eyes as the main object seen is the nose (or the blob that is nose in the peripheral vision).

Lots of stiffness in the neck and also shoulder blades (more towards the right side).

There is also some lingering "fear" as in "something might be approaching". The lizzard brain seems freaking out "in there".

Im having me a cup of coffee now and am warming up to sit with freestyle noting aloud and see what comes out. See you later ... (may the force be with us) ...

Today's 2nd sit 44 minutes (got up one minute before the 45 minutes timer as yawning became so rapid). 

Start of session was very miserable and full of sadness and agony. The attention and sensations were doing it's own thing. Popping in and out. Used open eyes and looked through the window. Branches moved by wind; neither the branches nor the wind had any choice in this ufolding game. Same can be applied to these fast arising and passing sensations and attention. There was this "surrender" into the flow with acceptance and the mouth was opening up uttering labeled words and the throat and a mouth and chest were vibrating, ear frequency ringing in high pitch, sadness, non-control, sharp itch, body jerks, stiff neck, numb hands and arms, numb buttocks, ... then towards the end yawning kicked in one after the other, sat with it more and as yawning kept going on and on I gave up and the timer was showing 44 min. But I did give up before the alarm kicked in.  

It might seem from my description that there is "bunch of fear" there but in truth it's not that bad. It's more like the "thinking". If you know what I mean? Thoughts arise, we see them, note them, they pass away. Same with this "fear". It's all utterly transient, plix, pluxs, flux  

Right. That's why I like Shinzen Young's Gone technique where you note each vanishing with a "Gone" label

I also use label "gone" for vanishings and mostly for those sensations that linger for a while and then ubruptly vanish. They might re-arise and vanish again etc. If sensations are just rapidly arising and passing then I simply note the sensation by slabbing a label on it and move to next arising without labeling "gone".  

In many cases though "gone" is just noticed rather than labeled. Especially when stuff is just popping in and out fast. 

You may want to check out my new practice log. You may be suprised where you see your name 

Im glad to have been of help to you Sam. We all inspire one another! I dont feel like my name really fits well on that list though. Im just a little fish and those other names are Great White Sharks get me out of there before they devour me!!!  

Do you really want me to take your name off? I don't want to make you uncomfortable but *noone* has taught me more about Noting then you and continue to. That's why you are an inspiration. But I'll do what you want

I dont mind Sam either way its ok with me. Thank you for keeping me in high regard, just know Im simply a fragile human being that has all the same treats as you or anyone else does we fly high, then we fall low, then we jump back on the horse again, and fly high, then fall low ...etc ...etc ... etc ... (im no authority on any of this stuff)

Mr Buddha gave me an off cushion day yesterday  for good behavior! 

Now sat 30 minutes in Ki breathing. 

Towards the end of session felt strong crushing sensation in the forehead of the skull. The hair line to be exact. It's as if the forehead skull will open up or peel off. This lasted for only a few moments. 

The in and out breathing felt very effortless free and easy. No gasping or struggle at all. Thought scenarios were popping all over the mind-scape and the attention felt like a fat bubble bee flying wobbly from one scenario to the next, and these thoughts were like flower bundles, of which some seem closer and some further away. None of them more or less clear. They were in this "dream-scape". Body doing its breathing, attention slip flopping here and there and awareness knowing all this in a soft as a cushion manner. 

The sense of selfing was evident again in form of an idea almost in panic, as if it's loosing control. Very child like really, like where is my toy gone! Here it was more about "oh where is my in and outbreathing?! I need to pay attention to them, and follow them" 
Of course no such inner talk was there, just me now trying to depict the sense of that idea-self pulling here and there. 

I think that's it for now. Feeling relaxed, content, not annoyed by my sons mischief  

Btw, thanks for following my show! If you didn't subscribe yet please do so and click on that bell icon so you get notified as soon I upload a new log post! Those of you who comment will have the chance to get some interesting giveaways! 
Have a nice day and keep ripping that zafu pillow!  

Off cushion huge amount of joy and tranquility and now even heat. There is this slight preassure in the back of the skull that would be equated with absorption hangover but is not an issue. 

Instead of sitting more I decided to go for a forest walk with my family. Forest and wind and sun and clouds, blue sky and birds and all is so beautiful. 

Body is breathing, legs walking, touching the ground, ears hearing, eyes seeing, ... ... everything is on the canvas unfolding in this joyful tranquility. 

Funny how much of this got unfolded from one short session today. It's likely a culmination of many sits, like a fruit, a ripened apple. My family liked this tranquil and joyful "me" today. I ought to cultivate it more, if for nothing else, but their happiness. 
But this journey can go either way. Let's see how it goes. 

Off cushion; 

all that off cushion tranquility and joy collapsed into a rather unpleasant hangover pressure headache in the right side of the head including the eye. This happened in the evening and I still experience it. 

I don't understand how people can enjoy these absorption states if most get these Jhana burnouts afterwards Maybe that's the message "Jhana too is 3Cs"! Not sure why my body reacts so badly after absorptions? 

Will try and do some Noting tomorrow to balance this out or even do some walking meditation.  

Just sat a 45er in freestyle noting aloud + open eye focus on a Kasina spot. 

A few minutes after the start the open eyes image space got murky. First murk came from the periphery inwards like lava lamp lumps and then after the murk took all over the image space. A few vanishings in the image space. High pitch in ears which were stuttering fast. 

Then image got lighter and hazy all over. A few bright moving spots in the periphery. Unsure what these were as my eyes were open. Had no interest to look straight at those spots which were on the floor and wall. 

There was observing into who is doing the noting. Observing noting just unfolding. Was there a controller making sure all was noted matter of fact? Whatever this sense of self, this controller is, it lives in the realm of ideas. I keep coming back to the same observation. Its more of an "idea-movement-energy" of sorts. 

Notig was not fast. 1-2 notes per second. There was no effort. Some boredom was there and even trace of sadness at some stage. 

Very stiff neck on the right side and numb buttocks (the part meeting the lower back). Unpleasantish. 
There was only one jawn in the middle of the session. Only a few body jerks in the 2nd half of the session. 

There were some thoughts in the start about people and situations and some shame and aversion too. There were also intention thoughts to commit to the human realm of the brahmaviharas. 

If I'm to stamp a general feeling of this sit it would be unpleasantish as there was some lingering agony to it. 

Off cushion;

feeling sickly. Sore throat and weakness and some sweating. Just checked if I had fever but it shows only 37.3 Celsius. Other than that very calm, relaxed and mindfulness of sensations is on auto pilot even while watching now Queen with Adam Lambert on Netflix ("so you think you can stone me and spit in my eye, so you think you can love me and leave me to die, oh baby!") 

Off to dose me wreched body with extra D vitamin and some sweet honey from my honeybee ladies ... 

Still sick today. No fever but sore throat, no coughing, body weakness and some sweating. 

Just sat 45 minutes in freestyle noting aloud;

The attention was feather like, very light and touching lightly one sensation after the other as if an invinsible hand was holding that feather and gently tapping each sensation/mind state/thought/feeling with a relaxed tempo of about 2-4 sensations a second. 

Image space (eyes open) was at first clear in the center and blurry in the periphery but later all image space became hazy equaly and the nose was seen throughout (the side of the nose and usually always the right side of it). Back, center, front of image space was all in that flat haze. Distance was only part of rational thinking but not part of sensate experience. 

One jawn in the middle of session. One sharp itch. A few body jerks. One heat wave in the body. A few pressures inside the right side of skull. High pitch in the hearing space mixing up with the tiny sensations covering the skin of the side and back of head. Were these vibrations part of that high pitch sound or the other way around? Interesting. 

Butticks was the only part of body that had solid touch and feel to it, slightly numb. Hands, legs and rest of body felt more air like with tiny vibrations. 

Off to remedy this sore throat now ... 

Still sick. The throat is sore and it seems to be moving up into the sinuses and the nose is running heavily. No fever but feeling weak. 

I can't do the Ki breathing because of the illness and felt too low energy to do noting, decided to sit 45 minutes in Shamatha as in calm-abiding. 

At the start there was a very long outbreath and even very long pause and there was a drop in the middle of the outbreath. 
Then there was purple haze in the image space (closed eyes) going from the eye area towards the nose and disappearing there. 

Then there were tiny vivid black dots, had very shiny crystal like appearance to them and they had some sort of frame. They were in the middle then would appear to the sides, up and down and all over the image space. One at a time. Felt as if they came from the whole image and zoomed out would become this tiny window. Not sure but felt as Mandelbrot kind of structure (not so vivid)


After this there were memories of people I once knew during my early Shamatha days. 
A few body jerks. Lower back stiff. Neck crackling. 
Sharp cutting sensation in the right side of skull, felt as if it cut right down through the skull, brain and into the sore spot of the throat. No itching at all. 

Towards the end there was boredom and nose running so I finished up those few last minutes in freestyle noting aloud. 

Im off to make a tea with honey now ... sniff sniff 

"The Song of the Butterfly" , very beautiful ... and Istvan has such a lovely voice 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5WbSrorUyI

I hope you feel better soon!

Thank you Sam! It feels as tonight might the worse and will get me some painkillers to be able to sleep as well as possible. Im planing to be as good as new tomorrow (as if my plans always come true)

Off cushion;

had a terrible night and the whole morning too. Woke up last night from something which felt like a dream but was more of a strange absorption state, as if the mind was ripped up in multiple vortexes, aweful but I just let it be and shoved my head into the pillow. There was a headache in the exact point where in yesterday's meditation I've expereinced that slicing throuhg the skull, brain and down to the sore point in the throat. This painful line feels like a planet's meridian.

At this moment I seem to be getting a bit better but I did get another painkiller which might be working and Im bombarding my hearing space and feelings with Deva Premal and The Gyuto Monks chanting. 


EDIT;
just now as the chant "Teyata Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Soha" began I broke into a proper cry, tears running down the cheek ... feels good. ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJQT29uzS7g

Still sick as a dog but the headache is no more so I decided to sit 45 minutes in freestyle noting aloud. 


The image space was hazy and not changing. Only the "natural" shades on the floor and walls from branches moving in the wind and Sun. 

Noting was steady and flowing effortlessly 1-2 sensation a second. Body jerks, a few itches, sensing the skin pores releasing sweat drops, coldness on skin, high pitch ear frequency, some memories, a few scenario spins about my past teacher Kenneth Folk and some DhO people. 

Towards the end there was boredom, vibrations in hands and arms. 

Just sat a 45er in freestyle noting aloud with open eyes staring at a spot on a wooden plank. Feeling better after the cold (sore throat). 

Hunger feel in the belly. Warbly vibrations left side of head and face. Sharp itch on top of nose. Stifness in neck. Buttocks felt light and soft touch during haft the sit then numb for the rest. Pins and needles micro vibrations in feet and hands. Uncertainty about feeling tone there. High pitch ear frequency since the start. 

A few scenario spinning thoughts about my family and DhO members. (each person imagined got Metta and wishing well). 

Image space stil no change just hazy sameness but noticing shapes in the wooden plank I stare at (horse head eating a black and white American eagle, not sure of its actual name). 

No heat nor was there coldness on skin. Neutral. Body jerks were throughout but only one at each time with longer periods in between. 

I think that's it. Noting was solid throughout, all from 1 to about 3 per second. A few times was funny noticing the body consciousness doing its loud noting and scenario spinning one doing its own and attention flip flopping between the two (which one is more "me" arose as question). 

So you're feeling better?

During day light I feel better but now in the evening I can feel it weighing down on me again. As you sure know illness usually feels worse in the evening/night. But yes generally its better!

Tomorrow evening hope to go back for the very first day of this season's Badminton. Love playing that sport, and my heart sure is in need of some cardio practice whop whoooop! 

Sat 70 minutes (30 ki breathing, 40 freestyle noting aloud). 

Lots of tiredness and dullness, spaceiness, scenario spins. 

A few body jerks, stiff neck and both shoulder blades. Feet very heavily glued to the earth, as pulled down by strong gravity. 
Hands vibrating with tiny many vibrations. 
At one point preassure going from left side of the top of skull down into brain and finishing up behind the sinuses. 

Body very calm. Buttocks-lower back was pulsating in a pleasant way. 

Image space during ki breathing again having those tiny black windows appearing and vanishing. They are not in the center but here and there on the periphery. 
Image space during noting (open eyes focusing on a spot) was not dynamic nor was there any strong absorption going on. 

A few itches were more bubbling and not that sharp. 

High pitch frequency in the hearing space with a low frequency motor engine bellow it. 
Towards the end of the sit restlessness in form images of the timer but the body kept sitting in its calmness. 

Off cushion;

deep sadness. Beside the window of our house I've seen a little Wasp cought in a spider web. It was fighting to get out. I felt a strong urge to release it. But that Spider needs food, hence building this spider web. If I help the wasp then the spider looses its food. If I save the wasp it will certainly hunt down another insect. Etc ... countless versions and all lading to someone being eaten/hurt/destroyed no matter if I try to help or not, someone will experience loss just by being alive. 

So I did nothing. I left the Wasp in that web struggling to get out while the Spider was getting ready for a tasty dinner. 

 

During my today's 2nd noting aloud sit , the 3rd Jhana rapture was rather strong so I tried to capture it immediately after the sit. Needed a minute to get back into it (snapped out of it while setting up the camera). 
https://youtu.be/6PyR-4XjE_U

I have stopped with Ki breathing for a while now and only practice freestyle noting aloud with open eyes focusing on a spot 1,5-2 meters in front of me. 45 minutes once or twice a day. 

Im not into logging daily as I'm starting to feel more intimacy in my practice and feel like shying away from witnessing eyes and just dance with my mind stuff deep in the hidden woods under full moon  

Still it's somewhere around the initial stages. The usual cycling through other post AP Nanas is not there anymore and it seems to be more in the Jhana sphere of things within the initial 3 Nanas. Body stiffness is stil there but moved to the left side. Body jerks are rare but stil happen on the upper body/arms-neck. 

There seems to be a pattern of one day rapture next day jerky attention and so on. It's as if the 3 C's is trying to resolve itself through the 4 Jhanas and 4th one is just about not getting there. Patience and perseverance  

The practice is certainly not on fire but is seen as the only beneficial option there is and keeps rolling. 

There is this constant arising of a jerky-urge-idea to grab onto experience. Almost as a 2nd hand assistant of sorts trying to be in charge of what's going on. It's a bit comical. With this arises inquiry "who is this one seeing/knowing/witnessing this assistant jerky urge clinging idea?" 

From now on I will give an occasional update and an occasional short video of the practice itself and will of course log about any major shifts if such come to be. 

Sitting continues in freestyle noting aloud fashion once or twice a day. 

Today sat twice and it seem my sits turn into rapture bliss each time even though I'm not really into sitting in absorption. I do noting aloud throughout but voice gets like a whisper. 

Second sit had image space turn very murky (open eyes fixed on a spot in front of me). The center developed that hazy purple cloud and perifery had black wax lamp lava like shapes moving from bottom up. 
Chilling skin, long relaxing outbreath ... all very topical 3rd Jhana stuff. 

Then afterwards all image space turned a bit lighter but all was diffused and equaly lit and nothing much happening. Boredom took over this part. 

Still having stiff neck and shoulder blade, nada sound is high pitch on and off cushion. Body jerks on cushion are there but not often. 

Had a very sharp , knife sharp, sensation going from upper belly all the way down to the lower belly, right side. It would vanish fast but kept coming back several times. This is the side of my belly where I actually have 4 large scars from an operation I've had years ago. Memory of that time did come about. 

"Oh will you just shut up! Jeez man! Can't you see that we are on the Moon that fell off from the Earth far far away into the dark vastness of the Universe long lost?!" - said the Captain of the ship to the Scientist. "We have run aground here on this Moon Gone Rogue, and have no idea where all this is heading to so please shut up and be still!"

The scientist closed his note book and silently went back to his quarters. 
Captain resumed staring at the stars. 

p.s. this log is locked. Will start a new log in case I find the captain's log book and if not ... well