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What can I Do?

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What can I Do?
Answer
8/25/20 10:23 PM
I have posted quite a bit on this forum... feeling pretty powerless and I guess still crying for help
basically caused accidental ego death a few months ago, no I mean REAL ego death like concepts and time permanently dissolved and temporarily merged with god, I have been on a bad trip for months now basically, before the anxiety got too crazy, there was no more mental chatter in my head pertaining to my personality or plans or structure, it was all shattered, and not in the good way that is spiritually desireable. And since then feeling more and more fragmented from my heart/body, less equanimity, and ego getting stronger to try to compensate for its lack of boundaries . I am on medication and in therapy and things are only getting worse. I can't feel my body, I am apathetic, socially withdrawn, joyless, etc etc.
i am desperate for a moment of pure love/equanimity and dissolution of ego thAt I had in the past (i posted about it in 2018) I can't enjoy anything or connect with anyone anymore. This may be a dark night albeit a severe one, and I can't see how it will end. I am controlling my own breath - I think because I blew my ego boundaries and it surfaced breathing Samskara- and so I can't even cling to the breath as a peaceful moment of no self, everything is ego now.
what can I do? Nothing ? Wait? I have been told it's possible for me to recommune with love but I'm frustrated I can't induce it. Worried it will never come, worried I threw away my beautiful egoless state of being forever. I am so attached to the heart opening egoless experience I had in 2018 (you can read it if you wish) it was in an intimate encounter with a guy...I am obsessed about recreating this, believing it will allow for another blossoming, even though it may be counterproductive because it itself would involve grasping. It's just an illusion of control- it doesn't occur in day to day life (during which I am constantly aware of my heart and my breath) so I thought why not try to recreate that kind of situation. But I also worry I am setting myself up for failure. But I can't Unthink these thoughts; I stupidly tried to cling to love when this first started and now I can't not think about pink elephants, everywhere I go, grasping for love.
i don't know if a) if you've already been full blown kundalini awakened but then you "fail" by getting stuck in reactivity and b) your heart is literally empty like a black hole, and c) you are controlling your breath, is a heart awakening impossible ? When it happened in 2018 I had more love within to begin with (although it had Not awakened yet)
my therapist insists If I implement structure in my day I can get better. But no activities I've tried change the way I feel overall; I am convinced that to get better I have to have a full blown beautiful letting go, egolessness, love.i am concerned because, well I have read an Osho quote that says you need a strong ego in order to dissolve it. Right now I have NONE. nO sense of self, no personality structure. So I am worried this is why my ego is getting so strong (the undesirable part of ego- the shadow, the one that builds walls around the heart) and that I will have to live with this ego weighing me down, forever.
one more piece of this is I worry I have been possessed by an entity. As I grow more fragmented and disconnected from myself, my thoughts are getting really mean and evil! I don't act on anything because thankfully I can observe my thoughts, but I don't know how to be with such an evil mind. So desperate to heal.

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/26/20 6:19 AM as a reply to es pro.
I'm neither a professional meditation teacher nor a therapist, but my best advice is to get serious about making small steps to improve your situation. I'm not sure if you are back to seeing a therapist (your last post said you weren't anymore), but you probably need to listen to the advice you are getting/have gotten. Developing structure in the day is an important part of mental health, basic human happiness, and even spiritual practice. That's why it is called a spiritual _practice_ emoticon

Human development, including spiritual development, doesn't happen all at once. There can be big experiences in life -- spiritual, psychological, romantic -- but that doesn't mean everything will magically get fixed. That doesn't happen. 

What can happen is that every day we can make improvements and over days, months, and years and slowly build a life. It can be amazing to look back years later and see how different our life has become. But it happens through lots of little steps, not through one big step.

Many people feel desperate to heal, but aren't desperate to make small steps. It's interesting isn't it?  Channel all of that desperation into developing basic human sanity and you'll be much happier.

Like you said, ego health is needed as a foundation for spiritual practice, so why not work on that for a while?  Why not continue to work with a therapist to give you the feedback you need while your basic ego health is being developed?

I think that's what I would do. It makes sense to do it that way.

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/26/20 8:33 AM as a reply to shargrol.
Thank you for the response.... this makes sense....the thing is, like I mentioned since April when things got bad and I dissolved my ego, things have been progressing fast. Fragmentation, less equanimity, social withdrawal, apathy etc; it constantly grows. This is why I am so wary of making small steps. It isn't like I had one bad episode and need to pick up the pieces; the trauma continues to run thru me and create serious problems that I can't stop. I make some really good small steps in therapy but then the trauma recurs and prevents me from accumulating healing. My therapist says it's my lifestyle that is creating misery, but I believe it is the trauma that I cannot stop. I loved a VERY unstructured lifestyle for 2 years, just totally following my heart and going with the flow, and was EXTREMELY happy and balanced.

i know structure is important for human happiness but I have ZERO happiness within; it seemed like as the trauma kept occurring, the levels of joy and love steadily declined, I attribute this to my ego strengthening and building walls around my heart... so I could be wrong but in my opinion the only thing that would help right now is to be able to disidentify with my ego and reconnect to my heart again, which I have no control over, and don't even know if it's possible if like I said I cling to the breath and have no ego structure. i could just be resisting creating an actual human life for myself and doing anything at all with my day. But throughout the day I don't suffer because of lack of structure or activities, I suffer because I have no joy within, and everything I do reminds me of the past and how bad I feel and how low my self esteem is. Back in 2018 in my DN I would have definitely benefited from structure but now my mind is such a mess that it takes suffering with me EVERYWHERE, no matter how busy I am. Just such lack of happy feelings, and desperation to get out of this. Nothing makes me happy really; in my opinion the only thing that would make me truly happy is a) getting an ego structure back or b) for my heart to open which I have no control over.
I am just looking to reconnect with my heart and it seems like everything that has happened in the last few months has taken me away from that, besides occasional heaing moments in or out of therapy, but would just get destroyed by trauma. This is why since April I have sought out the big heart opening egoless experience, because that way I could actually go into the sensations of the trauma and it would be able to be released. Right now it has  full power over me, even with meds and therapy, because I lost the equanimity of my mind. Even with that magical "fix" back in 2018 I still had to do a lot of spiritual work after, a ton, it's just I was actually ABLE to do it, right now I can't cuz I have absolutely zero equanimity. Or. I mean maybe this is just my mind talking but really all I do is react to sensations all day long and brood in misery, and wait for some salvation.
sorry to argue,I appreciate your suggestions it's just my mind has decided this is hopeless unless I am saved by "grace" but I don't really know what to believe.
i am worried I will never have a healthy ego, that's the thing. The damage I did seems permanent.

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/26/20 10:44 AM as a reply to es pro.
Yeahhhh, I just can't see how structure could help me, if NO activities I do bring relief, no matter what I do with my day I come out the other side feeling the same, incredibly empty, and wanting out. No I have not given proper structure a real shot ie scheduling my entire day, but I have always hated doing that! I was so happy the last few years just going with the flow and following my heart. Now I am just desperate to reconnect with my heart and don't see how structure could help with that, when what has led to this malady is recurring psychological trauma on a really metaphysical level. In my opinion (again) the only thing that can help me is metaphysical change- another loss of ego and reconnection with love. Which theoretically structure can help with this- I personally do not see it at all. My therapist had lots of experience but somehow I feel like I am different. This is probably the way to go for people with anxiety and depression, but for me it is total anhedonia and lack of love and joy etc. Really metaphysical I think. Hahah

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/26/20 10:56 AM as a reply to es pro.
I think you need to be a little less stubborn, and give a little more trust to people. You seem to not have any trust in anyone.

I used to be like that, and I've lost so many things in life because of that, because I thought I am different and people that give advice, don't understand. They were understanding well.

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/26/20 11:21 AM as a reply to es pro.
Do you have a secret twin?

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/26/20 11:29 AM as a reply to A. Dietrich Ringle.
Huh?

and yeah I DO feel really different from others. Absolute zero joy to love in anything even my cat, controlling my own breath ego is that strong, and have dissolved my ego structure. But...I have gotten some signs telling me to trust my therapist....and many other signs telling me I need to do more. sooooo I guess I should...

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/26/20 11:33 AM as a reply to es pro.
I recently got a therapist. He told me he himself sees a therapist. That helped a bond form.

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/26/20 1:30 PM as a reply to es pro.
Hey es pro, 

I second what Shargrol said. You should continue seeing a therapist, though it's important that you feel very comfortable around the therapist. If there's doubt, or you feel like you are in a position of defense, look out for a new therapist. I'd suggest seeing a woman, they usually tend to be more compassionate. 
I'd recommend that you go out to see friends, go to work, work out, eat clean and establish a good amount of self-esteem. This is not only important because of ego development but that's the way forward in regards to integrating the weird stuff that happens while on the path. 
I'd suggest that you journal daily, make it a habit and write as much as you want to, after a while it will be a useful indicator to see how much progress you made and also to recognize certain patterns in your own behavior, which are not skillful. 
To get started, try to build a daily routine, you can use self improvement techniques to make things easier, start with going for a walk every day. During this time you don't distract yourself, just you and nature. After a while, try to take cold showers, once you done that you can try semen retention and getting up early in the morning etc. The only important thing is that you let it become a habit. After a while of keeping track of your mental health you'll see results. 
If you feel very bad and you have faith in the Buddha's teachings - it helped me to listen to either Dharma talks or to monks chanting and praying to Buddha, Dharma, Sangha 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFcKKBcAE80

If you need further help, reach out to me. 

All the best to you my friend!

-O 

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/26/20 1:50 PM as a reply to Oatmilk.
Thanks for your response. I guess I have nothing to lose, but I am just worried all this stuff won't work. My ego is SO shattered, I run around thru out the day with my mind spinning 100x/second, and the only thoughts that come thru are "I'm fucked" or "I want to open my heart". ALL day. Implementing structure is simply me just doing things with my body while my mind runs like this all day.
i know it is important to have a healthy ego in order to pursue more metaphysical things like love/ego dissolution but I am just worried that ship has sailed. Therefore I want to bypass and go straight to love....

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/26/20 3:04 PM as a reply to es pro.
Yes exactly, what you want is to bypass. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-sobriety/201110/beware-spiritual-bypass

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201901/what-is-spiritual-bypassing

https://www.amazon.com/Spiritual-Bypassing-Spirituality-Disconnects-Matters/dp/1556439059

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/26/20 4:15 PM as a reply to es pro.
But...I have gotten some signs telling me to trust my therapist....and many other signs telling me I need to do more. sooooo I guess I should...

I am glad to hear this from you.

I DO feel really different from others.

Yes. We all are different and unique. That's the beauty of creation!

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/26/20 4:44 PM as a reply to shargrol.
Well....I would like to bypass hell, to get to a place of stably facing the pain.
in 2018 I suppressed anxiety for months, I was in hell; then my heart opened, and I was able to face the darkness with equanimity. This is what I'm looking for. Yes everyone says this and 2018 are different so the healing will be different. The only difference is this time is darker and more desperate and way more clinging and emptiness within.

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/27/20 3:12 AM as a reply to es pro.
es pro:
Well....I would like to bypass hell, to get to a place of stably facing the pain.
in 2018 I suppressed anxiety for months, I was in hell; then my heart opened, and I was able to face the darkness with equanimity. This is what I'm looking for. Yes everyone says this and 2018 are different so the healing will be different. The only difference is this time is darker and more desperate and way more clinging and emptiness within.



RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/27/20 3:13 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/27/20 2:43 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
And actually, love is absolutely not bypassing. Love connects you deeper to your feelings, shows you the truth. Right now I am so bottled up and in my thoughts, I am "safe" from the truth and suffering immensely because of it. during the years where I really knew love, I also faced the most pain. Right now I am not facing anything; I am drowning.

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
9/1/20 12:45 PM as a reply to es pro.
POST DELETED DUE TO POSSIBLY OFFENSIVE CONTENT
~ DhO self moderation

RE: What can I Do?
Answer
8/29/20 4:06 AM as a reply to es pro.
es pro:
And actually, love is absolutely not bypassing. Love connects you deeper to your feelings, shows you the truth. Right now I am so bottled up and in my thoughts, I am "safe" from the truth and suffering immensely because of it. during the years where I really knew love, I also faced the most pain. Right now I am not facing anything; I am drowning.

Well, you're determined to drown. You're in the grip of your will, like you have a nut-cracker, and are squeezing as hard as you can. But the dark night nut is a diamond; your hands will exhaust their grip, and your nutcracker will break, in the long run. This is the only way out for someone as stubborn as you. You're scaring the shit out of everyone, lol. this is classic. We would all love for you to ease up and be prudent. But you are clearly not a prudent person. You're all in.