Update: Had a A&Ps before, this is Stream Entry. There is no turning back.

Keron Joseph, modified 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 4:01 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/5/20 2:18 PM

Update: Had a A&Ps before, this is Stream Entry. There is no turning back.

Posts: 4 Join Date: 9/5/20 Recent Posts
Hello. Below is a distilled set of messages and commentary on what I experienced earlier today and am still experiencing. This is my first post on this forum, havent lurked much. I apologize if its not the easiest to read.

i woke up and
Something was very different. woke up at 3:30 am , its 6 am here now ( this is the time i wrote this message on discord but forum time i wrote this 20 minutes ago... 3 pm est)
I just had it
a clarity
like I could tell something was different but i didnt focus on it. i gave focus to my mind or character and it was not being good
and I really did not care
which is odd for me
and i realized i didnt care cuz
its not me at all
and i dont mean that in a like spiritual awareness kinda way
Its like that person was like a naughty old friend who i could just watch and be like shrugs thats his decision
and a short time after i just watched it watch shows and do things
its very hard to describe cuz im not explaining some type of instant spark
but i will jump to about an hour of being awake. And during this time even reality just feels different like subconscious u know things are very different but its night and u have felt temporary states before so ur not really overthinking it and u think its prob going to go away soon anyway.
So I need to use the bathroom

so i go
and im sitting on the toilet
and theres these ants on the wall that usually bother me. like days now ive been meaning to kill em
and i see the ants and its like
the ant isnt the ant, its part of my awareness
the other ants move at the same time and its like
its like feeling a piece of hair blow on ur skin like
its like its u , like a seperate part of u
but u feel it
and if someone cut it off u would know
so im losing time with the ants
and i start noticing
.... this is a state
im like ok ok its not too unfamilair... kinda deep and intense
but its ok
and small part of my mind like
6-7 percent starts going
stay in this state or dont lose it or no no heres doubt
what if u cant realize the state more
what if u have a shift and ur lost again
what if
what if
and then ... jeez its hard to put this in coherent order but
then something unlocked and cessation of that voice happened. ive had cessation of thought a little time now but it hasnt done much ... in that moment tho
it was like a quick skillful slice of something
u never realized u were training for
that u never even actioned ur brain to do
something was coming at u
and this skill u picked up , just picked up a sword on its own
and BAM
cut it
and then its hard to say if i had this thought before or after
cuz time was warped but
there was a thought ... if ur scared then the answers are deeper down the path
that u look deeper, meditate more, do yoga
and my brain isnt thinking but at this point part of me knows
that im not me anymore
cuz my gf is a yoga teacher but ive done yoga with her like maybe twice in life. once on a beach and maybe once she used me as a dummy or something. this time my mind was like ... yeah yoga path whatever. there was no emotion to it. i like yoga in theory but i dont like doing it and my brain has that auto reaction
so anyway
as i said before ... this thought could have happened after
if i was in the bathroom for 10 minutes
it felt like 30
Im lookin at the ants
but not looking
u know like i feel em, they in vision
but my eyes arent focussed on em ... my eyes are like
and my left eye
starts water
Im like well ok ... thats strange but happens. eye strain from light, maybe its been open staring into nothingness for too long
and its like ... running down my left cheek now
and im like ok ... seems like a lot for eye strain but whatever
then my right eye starts watering up too
and now tears are coming down
Im like ... im crying
Why am i crying
I dont feel sad
I didnt even have a thought in head
I dont even feel happy
tears are just on my face and i feel not a single thing
so all this is happening and im on the toilet ... im like ok ... let me leave the bathroom
so im walkin out the bathroom i look at the mirror
and im like ... nothing wrong with my face and i feel the wind coolin the tears and im like ok so this is 100% tears ...
cuz i dont cry
Like i havent cried over something irl in maybe  since 2014
or something
Like if i watch a really great anime or movie I can cry
but thats essentially voluntary for art. If a family member died, its not that i wouldnt feel very sad. i just dont cry anymore
because of my past
but anyway this morning my eyes are just slowly going. its not like a lot of tears its like a lot of slow stream of consistent pour
so i get back to my pc
and i msg my gf

so she calls me
and i answer ...shes like are u ok
Im like ....................................................
Like im still having an experience. i see her and i like that shes here but
my body like has nothing to say to her
Like not in a sad i dont wanna talk way
Just like she called and im like .........................
So shes face timin and i tell her im ok and shes at an event so she couldnt stay. I want u to note the time in the screen shot. I went to the bathroom maybe 4:40 or 4 45. I ended back at my pc 
so after a while i commented on discord somewhere in between about 5 20.  I want to tell u that I had a real concept of time in between that period, but i don't. I wasnt having issues using the bathroom or anything like that. That time period feels both like it all happened in an instant and also like it was a week ago. 

and then im like ok ... let me google this
I found this

And im like ok like i make no claims but this shit is weird as well, this sounds similar to whats happening to me but i dont really know at this point
cuz the change
the slow evolution was still happening
so around where i comment everything is in slow motion now
befoer that i was quite some time passed here
it was surprising how little did in reality
things are still slowed down
but its like ive synced up
with the slower timing now
and i can push it
My gf asked

Shortly after this time in between those two messages are just me staring and sitting at my pc chair not interacting or moving. No thought. All thought has stopped. In regards to the last 2-3 things I said, it is hard to say which or what happened in what order. Even with time stamps from whatsapp or discord, its hard for me to remember because its like asking me what i did around this time on tuesday , can vague tell u but who knows what happened before or after. 

So after this at some point I realize ... I can sit like this forever. There is nothing inside of me that would ask otherwise. There is peace and nothingness and im arrived somewhere and nowhere. So im sitting there (prior to second message) and after about like 6 minutes or so and then Im really feeling like oh u can definitely sit like this forever but should u? And then some time ago i spoke to frank yang about something else I experienced and he had advised I do metta meditation to introduce compassion and refilling the cup with good. So at that time i rejected it to be honest. It seemed a bit inapplicable to me but after a while i did practice it quite a bit and when i was frozen there ... all the metta meditation i had done nearly daily for months... was like its now time to use. Everything so far is something that happened to me. When I did the metta meditation to make myself begin acting, this was a conscious effort because if not i would have sat at my pc prob for days. 

These are the discord messages about that whathappned i shared about an hour later. 

so around where i comment everything is in slow motion now
befoer that i was quite some time passed here
it was surprising how little did in reality
things are still slowed down
but its like ive synced up
with the slower timing now
and i can push it
My gf asked

so well idc to tell the rest of the conversation just
after some time i tell her
that her energy is cool and i wanna stick my hand inside of it which is an odd thing to say ... or something u may think a person in this state should say ... no no my friends
its odd to feel
i want to put my hand through her
like i feel that
Its not a quirky thing to say
or to sound some way
Its like ah a cool being
like seeing jello and wanting to put ur hand in it
and i sync up wit the slow time now
and i was just sitting there
not moving
in complete peace of thought staring
barely breathing altho i didnt notice this till after
its all not super clear cuz like i said ... time is distorted
and even as i try to remember it even tho it happened a while ago ... its like it happened a week ago
and then as i sit there in peace after a while im just in a deep state idk how to call it... but im like
i can stay like this for days
but no no , maybe not do that
do u think doin this would prove something or u want to do this
and I have a thought about like me or I
and its like it hits a force field inside of me like a energy
and its like HAHAHAHA
im like ... ok thats strange as well
... think the thought again
bounced right off
i can literally feel the thought
not going in my mind
Like not like a thought like oh ok u shouldnt think of self or something enlightened like that
its like my being itself
laughs and rejects that and its seperate from the person
trying to even use the language
so im like ... ok ... thats cool as fuck but ok ... what now. and ive no need or want
my gf messages me and shes like ok im here if u need me
im like .... i think maybe only once or twice other times in my life ive never not needed anything more than now
But thanks for offering
and then theres nothing but I remember
there was a lower state
and i spoke to some ppl about this
That ur supposed to introduce compassion
Cuz im sitting and i cant make myself do anything
cuz i dont really want anything
i dont even really want anything for me
I could die now
and not even react
But then i had to use some effort now
everything before was like something that happened to me
now i was making something happen for the first time in a while
and i do a metta meditation
and same thing
i start my metta meditations with I
im like ok ... no i
.... i focus on others
and i start thinkin of friends family , discord ppl
and im like ok u have to go
tell em or show em
u have to go act
and take care of urself so u can help the world
and usually even when i think about these things like i sincerely deeply
care there is alot of empathy
but this time its the reverse
Theres no emotion ... its just like oh ok that sounds like the thing to do
and then i start to move
i reach for my cup of water
it falls down
on the floor
cold water splashes everywhere, almost on my phone and the plug and on my feet
a type of laugh ive never laughed before
like i laughed before i thought
just so much laughter
and i spend a minute laughing
im like wtf is this
Maybe ur just going crazy
cuz what the fuck is so funny
then im like ok ... that laughter was like that one ... it was like ... ok no this is something
and I shut my laptop and I go do other things. 

somewherei n between ... my phone it has like a shine now ... like a glow like its a portal of potential
like its not a joke
im like hesitating to touch it
its like ... i can feel its potential
like its hot and i can burn myself
ok i go
MetaGameToday at 07:45
update: time is still passing super slow. i put some clothes to wash and worked out and got breakfast. spoke to family... its like i have to relearn speaking to people in voice. in text its kinda like muscle memory
irl its like .. meeting old friends for the first time after a long time
doing things is effortless which is good but u sorta begin to miss
certain emotional reactions and needs u had before
and cuz time is slow and ur brain isnt as occupied u have a lot of time to notice differences
the biggest difference is
transition time like its weird i never realized how much time i spent
moving from one thing to the other or decidin to do something new
like this... its ok .. ok im done
next thing
a lil while ago i thought, are there any major recent differences
that would catalyst this
its not uncommon i look at certain knowledge or insights related but it wasnt that
and i noticed a big change yester
is yesterday I took Gingko Biloba for the first time in quite a while
many months
some info on gingko ... 

^ this is so weird. like i read it just now and i was like ... i felt something like this @ second part. But the first part is interesting
U remember i spoke about like a secret earlier that gives me a small grin
Its interesting wolfgang used that word as well. 

so i mean ... maybe im just high on gingko or maybe gingko is one of the tao/buddhist secrets to be a catalyst. This one feels permanent tho. Might just be a coincidence.

cuz these states man ... im telling u thats why ppl talk abot using dmt and certain substance... when it happens to u ... it reminds u of when u were high on some other plant
This one is super crazy like i cant describe this one. like ... nothing compares to it
but the other one from months ago. was really similar to drinking a lot of marijuana tea
MetaGameToday at 08:55
update 2: so today what im realizing isthings are effortless and without ambition like u have to have either a really good reaso nto do something
or no reason at all
the friction in between that doesnt exist anymore
Like after watchin time move super slow and being uninterest in shows
I was like ok let me play a few games and see what happens. do i come out of the state, do i feel anything cuz i judge myself for playin games ... something anything
lets see
so first thing i did was vr fitness and
it was like
my mind was somewhere else
but my body was doing everything right
without extra thought
and i play a game of league eventually
and theres nothing
no anxiety about loss
no need to win
just fun and playin the game well. I joke with everyone
things happen and its like ur learning it again for first time
things i didnt notice before about how i used to think durin the game
like that player bias is gone
i see how i was wrong
so base race at the end
looks like we are going to win
but other team wins at last second
the height of many league games
and it was like ... nothing
i felt n othing
I was just like oh fun game guys
like even a good version of myself would be hyped
this was like oh ... something cool in this simulation happned. ok
doesnt affect me
time is just so slow now man. like how is it only 9 am. feels like 12

After , i wrote this. 

MetaGameToday at 09:11
@Meditator I achieved some level of enlightment today around 4 30 - 5 am. This isnt a specific claim of a state just. I feel like almost like an alien now ... like im relearning my body and speaking. my personality irl is shot ... talk to others is like natural yet awkward like its for first time ur meeting someone after a long trip.  I talk about the experience in my journal. since then i watched a video and read a few links about it
and one of them said its a very personal thing thats hard to describe and ive listened to others describe their experience and i see similarites but ultimately it sounds like
idk imagine u ran a race on the same road
and someone explains to u how the rocks on the right side of the road felt as he stepped on em
u can know what rocks feel like and ur down the same road but u didnt step on the same rocks and u didnt wear the same shoes
only ur mind believes u ran the same race
but u didnt at all
ur just at the same end result place
man everything is so slow its like painful ... and the pain u dont feel like but ur like idk its not so much an emotion rather a logical question of what if it stops now cuz it feels like ur leaning over the edge of the preset
ur always present like what now what now what now.

My only concern and i used the word concern lightly cuz theres 99 percent less emotion attached to that word is(edited)
That if i lets say drink too much or something like that it will be gone but at same time I don't think there is going back. I think thats what the tears were about. I don't think the thing i had to go back to is there inside anymore
I think it died
Like not just a ego death
But a self death cuz ive experienced ego death before
Its kinda like a friend died
This one is like... What friend? There was never anyone there.
Ur tears are for an old delusion
And now ur awake 

Thats basically it. I know sometimes things can be temporary but this feelsl ike there is no going back. Often the rare handful of special days ive had, when i sleep usually something shifts. I took quite a nap in the middle of the day. When i woke up , it was still here. This change. Not sure if my history/past experiences are applicable and i dont think its so eventful enough to talk about it in detail so i will just be direct. I will just say i suffered quite a bit in life and in sickness years ago. I grew up christian but i became an atheist for a short due to my suffering because at that time I was a good christian and it didnt seem to make sense why i would be so tortured.

Years later I healed myself and eventually got into meditation , taoism and in recent years some minor buddhism and more recently some zen. Altho im not deep in either one in theory but i know from enough reading that certain things that ur asked to do and go through ive already been through that in in my 20's in various ways. Ive hit many temporary states in the past due to a lot of meditation and reading and work in life.  So thats some context altho tbh i dont know who this person those things happened to anymore. And i dont just say that to sound a certain way ... that feels like a far away dream i had. 
Dream Walker, modified 3 Years ago at 9/5/20 9:12 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/5/20 9:12 PM

RE: You tell me what was attained. I do not know. (Long Post)

Posts: 1592 Join Date: 1/18/12 Recent Posts
Keron Joseph, modified 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 2:37 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 2:37 AM

RE: You tell me what was attained. I do not know. (Long Post)

Posts: 4 Join Date: 9/5/20 Recent Posts
Dream Walker:

Thanks for the response. During the day yesterday I did a lot of reading and research. I believe I have already had this A and P event the beginning of the year. And at the time i confused the significance of it or what it was exactly. Now its very different. After some reading I found what I experienced more closely. I apologize for my ignorance before in not reading more. I was more focussed in meditation and practice and nuance than learning all the theory.

The green is specifically what I experienced. The rest ive experienced before to some degree or even experienced when it happened but not as deep and as clear and as intense as the green highlight. 
Dream Walker, modified 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 3:08 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 3:08 AM

RE: You tell me what was attained. I do not know. (Long Post)

Posts: 1592 Join Date: 1/18/12 Recent Posts
Enjoy whatever it is if it is enjoyed. Time will tell if you cycle the POI more and that might help define whatever. The more you learn and experience, the more you might know what the past was and the now is.
If ya got first path.....woot! Keep going.
If not, keep going!
Fun stuff! 
Oh, and each of the many, many a&p's are different. So once or twice or many times thru can be cool but not a permanent shift, so keep on keeping on.
Keron Joseph, modified 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 3:59 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 3:59 AM

RE: You tell me what was attained. I do not know. (Long Post)

Posts: 4 Join Date: 9/5/20 Recent Posts
Dream Walker:
Enjoy whatever it is if it is enjoyed. Time will tell if you cycle the POI more and that might help define whatever. The more you learn and experience, the more you might know what the past was and the now is.
If ya got first path.....woot! Keep going.
If not, keep going!
Fun stuff! 
Oh, and each of the many, many a&p's are different. So once or twice or many times thru can be cool but not a permanent shift, so keep on keeping on.

It appears to be no turning back at all. Today I feel the same. I woke up at about 3:30 am and it was just like .... ur awake. There is no self to want sleep or want to get up to do something. Either im awake and i have energy or im not. I have fraction of emotions, i read something about mundane somewhere but its not mundate in a bad way. Its like ur reading a book but u know ur not in the book. Part of u wants to remember what its like to be sucked into the book and yet ur complete absorbed with the book. Its weirdl  Like I am just being introduced to my body/reality.  And yes either way keep going seems like the thing to do either way. 

like when i try to think of what it means, am i earlier on the path, am i later, i dont feel much of the fetters if any at this point, if its temporary if its not. all those thoughts arent even really thoughts .... its like u said its just specs or bread crumbs and all that makes sense to do is to keep going. cuz this shift is huge nothing like it. If someone tried to explain this to me and told me it could last this long. I would laugh and say they were crazy and its just in their mind. All I can think of is if this locked state is closer to the end or the beginning , both are equallity exciting. Exciting as a word is weird now too , its closer to the word intriguing. my heart and breathing has completely changed so emotions are like barely in between.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 4:00 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 4:00 AM

RE: You tell me what was attained. I do not know. (Long Post)

Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
hi Keron, and welcome to the DharmaOverground, with a splash! Thank you for sharing your extraordinary experience. The new communications media allow an amazing real-time record that is unprecedented, and i think you will find this chronicle becomes more interesting to you over time. 

I am not inclined to dwell on any particular of your experience at this point. The main thing is, your mind and self were blown open and you experienced the quite literal sense of a lot of things that may seem like nonsense to those who have not experienced them. The real work now will be in grounding that opening in a sustainable life and practice. I speak as one who fucked that work up way too much over the years, and so with deep humility. The slower you can go right now, the better, for you and for everyone around you, all those you care for and all those who care for you. The gift of this opening will only ripen with time; it is a fruit of your practice in the past, and a grace. So treat it for the precious gift that it is, and take the time to digest it, and think it through, and to remain open to the unfolding of your consciousness as it processes and integrates these larger realms of eperience and thought. It's the basics, really: humility, patience, acceptance, steady practice, strong commitment to the moral basis of practice and to the resolve to do no harm, even as the world turns kaleidoscopic in many ways.

It sounds to me like you're doing great so far, both in keeping your basic life balance and in researching and studying to improve your sense of spiritual context. You will certainly find a lot of help and support in this sangha. Again, my warmest welcome, and best wishes as you continue on your path. It is a joy to greet a new comrade here.

love, tim
Dream Walker, modified 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 4:15 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 4:15 AM

RE: Update: Had a A&Ps before, this is Stream Entry. There is no turning ba

Posts: 1592 Join Date: 1/18/12 Recent Posts
Well if you crash and burn into the dark night, then you know where you were.
If this sticks but mellows as it fades in intensity and you get used to the "new" normal after the honeymoon phase, well then that tells you something else.
Look to see if when you sit now that the progress of insigh just kinda does it' own thing and is faster. Play with it a bit.
Have fun with your new toy!
Keron Joseph, modified 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 4:42 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 4:37 AM

RE: You tell me what was attained. I do not know. (Long Post)

Posts: 4 Join Date: 9/5/20 Recent Posts
Thanks for your detailed message and advice. 

" It's the basics, really: humility, patience, acceptance, steady practice, strong commitment to the moral basis of practice and to the resolve to do no harm, even as the world turns kaleidoscopic in many ways." 

I think a lot of those have come naturally and because of the reading and viewing others advice and experiences in the past all of those are quite clear and present. Except for steady practice. This for a few reasons may be a hurdle I predict. Because this feels very ... like the book said like the sense of discovering
 what was most needed, a profound stillness and a reset button on reality. Its intriguing yet baffling that there is more beyond this. Ive glimpsed nirvana in the past so I know the ultimate palpibility of that. But now in this moment maybe cuz it is early days its like ... ah well this is it. When i try to meditate its no longer the same. there is no mind to meditate with. theres no voice there to quiet. no self to discipline. 

When u said gift, it reminded me of something i was trying to communicate earlier. 

One weird feeling ive been getting is like ...
I havent realize how much I have mistreated my body like ... when ur thinkin normally or even meditating
its like ok take care of urself. do this and that
cuz u kinda should and u feel better
but since yesterday its like im an alien in my body or my body is like a possession like i borrowed it or was given it
and I havent been treating it as well as I should have
its hard to describe its like a separate feeling. like
a small 10% version of this is
Imagine u have a really expensive phone. and ur friend buys the same kind
and u borrow ur friend's own
cuz u forgot urs somewhere
and u know that feeling where u realize ... in my bias and automation i forgot the amount of value this thing has
now that i have a sensation its not mines

^ this is a deep sensation coupled with that feeling that ive been given a gift like waking up in this way is a gift and with my eyes open i see that I was given this body and did not treat it as well as I should have. Its a very different sense that knowing or realizing that from before ppl me compare... this is way more profound. Like its yours with great value but also not yours.

thanks for ur words. i will take ur advice to heart and try to ground myself , specifically in steady practice and living.