As of late I was experiencing in my sits rapture and bliss. As some of you might know from my previous logs I kind of had some aversion towards absortions because I have learned from the past expereinces that they also are unsatisfactory and, as Michael Taft say, fragile like a hot house flower. They vanish as soon you get up off that cushion.
Any way, it seems I must also learn to treat them the same way I treat the DN and EQ, with acceptance and matter of fact moment by moment noticing/noting of it. 

Then I hit a couple of days with very tough resistance towards Noting Aloud, and even Noting silently. Basically an aversion towards being awake to the momentary experience. There was a concrete wall of Dullness, I guess wanting to just be dull. So I decided to Just Sit.
Today I managed to pull myself out of this state by remembering Shinzen's recommendation when experiencing strong resistance towards being ardent, alert and mindful without lapse. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaJC0pThSQM

By just sitting do you refer to some kind of open/choiceless awareness?

Just sitting in this case was , just sitting until the timer rings. As for those two day sits, dullness was just plain dull and absorption into scenario spinning was not seen until already long into La la land. Mindfulness did laps constantly. 

Open awareness is only good once in EQ otherwise just waste of precious meditation time. 

In my opinion it's best to find a way to work through any given hindrance and get back to being ardent, alert and mindful without lapse. 

Thanks for clarifying. 

"Open awareness is only good once in EQ otherwise just waste of precious meditation time. " 

Could you explain a little why that is so?

I dont see how much benefit it is to have a chopped up "open awareness" throughout your sit. 

Lets see, Im sitting now and will have open awareness ... open, open ... breathing coolness on the nostrils, sound of cars, those bills I have to pay and buy some stuff for my son, our car also needs new tires  (oh shit, got absorbed in thinking here), ok, ok, open, open, coolness of the air in the nostrils, sound of a bird chirping, ah that DhO annoying member and what he wrote there and how he said it and (oh crap Ive got absorbed into thinking again), ok ok, open, coolness of the air in nostrils ...  

Open awareness has its place if it can be held without laps (or not much laps in mindfulness/clear comprehantion of arising-passing phenomena). Open awareness can be done off cushion all day. However the cushion time is too important to spill half of it into being lost in scenario spinning. Its like going to the gym and excercising only half the time and rest chating with folks on the bench. 

EQ Nana would be a good place to let into that open awareness as its already wide and all inclusive. 

Just know Im no expert and this is just my limited understanding.

Let me add;

I know open awareness has that sexiness to it. "I just let go into this free aware openness and just let it beeee, let it beee, let it beeee, let it be, whisper words of wisdom, let it beeeeheeee"  

Dukkha-Clinging tells us a different story if we are honest. We have some fine Yogi tools to use so to be Ardent, Alert and Mindfull without Lapse (as Mr. Buddha said according to Suttas). We cant just be all that in off cushion life as the stream of samsara is just too effing strong but on cushion we train in attention so we can at least on cushion follow that stream of samsara unfolding without lapse in clear comprehantion/mindfuness/awakeness. 

It really helps to keep in mind that all states and stages change as do all the sensations of course, also the focus, concentration, clarity, etc ... hence being really interested in Your Own Mind Terrain each time you sit is really really of benefit. How does this terrain look like right now? ... (Im watching ... ) it seem very wide and calm and all inclusive, oh, let that Open Awareness flow all day long. But is it contracted, and confusing, and feels like going up the hill and scenario spins are sucking you up like the whirlpools of that samsaric river ... well, what about full on noting for this kind of terrain? Etc ... 

Again, not an expert over here just sharing my own understanding of it which might well be very wrong!

Any reply is useful to me. So much to get a handle on, there's not enough hours in the day >_<.

I'm asking because it seems OA is what comes most naturally to me. I don't have much regular thinking popping up if I do it, and can just let whatever appears sort of wash right through me without stuff getting stuck or lose myself in content.
Have tried noting but the amount of things to note overwhelms me after a little while. I mostly do it while on my commute to/from work, alternating between noting and open awareness. Like, noting between stations one and two, OA between two and three etc. Hoping to build up my skills little by little. 
I do OA at other times too throughout my day, or just check in with where I'm at generally, what my body feels like whenever there's a lull. Or when there's stuff going on. A lot of anxiety has come up for me this past week.

I guess little by little is a good strategy and get to know different techniques. No reason to get into quicksand to the throat and have no tools to get you out of there.

Let Dukkha inspire you Dukkha is the great redeemer  

Watch how that anxiety of yours changes depending on the way you look at it/all. How does this anxiety feel when you note 1 sensation per second for 5 minutes (please do time it and note anything that arises including that anxiety) and how does it feel when you just sit in open awareness with it for 5 minutes. See how this anxiety behaves after the sit but also during the sit.

Here is a snippet from todays session of freestyle noting aloud that is my weapon of choice. Took the vid after the 45 minute session (yes I think timing sessions is a very good thing, and building up to at least 45-60 minutes in one go, once or twice a day) Again just my opinion here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXlTDprzkVc

Dukkha indeed >_< I feel like the last 7 years has been a crash course in suffering for me.

It concerns me a little that noting during a formal session almost always gets the tingles/buzzing going, complete with increased heart rate and sense of a rush, to the point that it's a bit uncomfortable tbh. Too anxiety-like for comfort. Tried yesterday to locate the alleged 'watcher'
(who am I -type questioning) and got MASSIVE anxiety that lasted six hours complete with chest constricted and a pulse like a pile driver. Fun stuff!

But wow, you've really got the noting down. So fast. I'll shut up now, sorry for hijacking your log ^^

Oh no no, my log is not mine. It's for the people to be of benefit. 

Lots of strange and funny stuff in this sit;

At some stage after the murk took over the image space and center of image was vanishing and then there was lots of purple haze swaying around the center but also in the parts of the periphery too the image got a bit lighter in color, diffused but the whole image was rather the same color/shade. 

The beehive box I stare at (open eyes) in front of me was moving partially in the image space. The center and above part was in its normal place but the lower part of image was moving to the left as if it melting away. 

Then my left hand and arm as well as right felt as if they have changed places. As if they were placed on the body in wrong order. Even the palm felt as the upper part of the hand and vice verse. Made me laugh. 

The sensations on top of head, eyes and behind ears, neck, down the back and lower back and bottocks seemed so very close to each other, as if they are in the very same place. If I'm to use rational thinking then there was knowing these are separate but in sensate experience the perception was as if these are very much in the same spot. I'm looking at the sense of self and it could be in any of those and all of them as there was not much distance between these. Very funny. Made me laugh. 

Then towards the end of this sit there was boredom and image of the timer popped out a few times.

Gracias, Papa! I find this slogan very instructive.

glad it you like it! 

Just to add some off cushion stuff;

The neck is super stiff and unpleasant as well shoulder blade. Both on the right side. Other than that there is stress point in the chest and sore spot in the throat. Eyes-seeing seem diffused and wide. 
Slight agitation with my boy screaming about some stuff. There is a slight dreamy and calm aspect in the head-body. 

Some parts are calm and dreamy and some stiff and agitated. 

This has happened to me as well, two or maybe thre times, a very vivid feeling of having had my arms disconnected and laid down alongside my body, left arm along the right side and vice versa. Most odd.

Disassembled Doll Syndrome 0_o 

Great video mate. My pacing and style is quite similar to yours (although my vocab is not as good as yours )

Question: with your pacing, how much are you able to go "into" the sensations/objects. Do you just lightly touch them and move on or are you able to penetrate them to any extent? I find the quicker the pace the lesser i engage with the objects. Just curious as there seems to be so many theories out there around depth vs speed topic. 

I follow speed noting until I feel absorption taking place and there is more clarity and mind-body seems more locked into each other, and if there is natural curiosity taking place and interest into an object then I do Investigate that more. This often happens with vibrations, itching or image space dynamics. As soon I snap out of such intimate absorption investigation I resume speed noting and so on. Dynamics can change during one sit.

For example there is an itch on my head and there is itching, sharp, unpleasant, changing, less unpleasant, vibrating small area, pleasant, bubbling sensation itch, large area, vanishing, remembering (the itching), image in the mind of the itching area on the head with hairs and all , then all goes to a new object like ...hearing, knowing it's a nada sound, sharp high pitch, louder on left side, neutral feel, absorption focus, gets louder the pitch, (at same time could be noting seeing and breathing coolness in-between the nada sound noting thread). In depth investigation can be exclusive to just one object for any duration or kind of chopped up by other sensations but always returning more and more to say that Nada sound and getting more investigative of it. 

Strange stuff happens in meditation it certainly shows that the sense of "normal" is also changing and the sense of self that seems always in the head suddenly seems in the lower belly or in several body places at once Who am I , where am I ?  

Meditative stuff of the past feels like another life time. Im here and the body is growing more stiff it seems. I do know that I know how to meditate but I feel as if Im a total noob at this as it feels like being stuck and nothing is resolving into other than this. Not that Im looking at this to resolve into something else but boy is it unpleasant to be so stiff all the time. Neck and shoulder blade are the worse.

During the sit body seems to get very solid and still and even like air, fluid, vibratory, numb, pulsating, itchi, energy flushing down it etc ... and the stiff parts are not that much of an issue. Its when I move again that the stiffness is very much there. During sits absorptions always take place and they are being noted along with all the rest. Noting is fluid and without much or any effort now. My sits, towards the end, get very boring but after the sit the bodily agony is there and there can aslo be emotinal agitation caused by this stiffness as its not pleasant.
Its like someone telling you stuff when you have a headache "just leave me be will ya!" kind of attitude. Not all the time but there are days when I would rather prefer no one talks to me nor expects anything from me. Not easy to get this when you are a parent  

For some time now I was almost 100% sure that I could see a pattern unfloding in my sits; I was observing Jhanas within Nanas and tought this is the way it will resolve throuhg these Jhanas pening up the next Nana but nah! I dont think so now. Honestly I have no idea why these Jhanas are arising and what they are doing. They do and they pass away. The 3C Nana however lingers and C&E also seems to be still sending me some memories from the past Im not sure what to do with. I keep sending "wishing well" to all people and animals arising in these memories or just in thinking generally. 

I have no clue how this resolves or even if it will ever resolve. I can only keep sitting and noting thisness unfold. I have started dedicating ALL merit from my sits to all beings above, bellow and all around (Im sure this includes you fine folks too ) Maybe This is not about me.

There is resistance towards dedicating ALL merit to all the beings. As in "can I not keep a bit for myself". This is interesting and to be observe. 


I think I have failed to see this subtle but solid "I know this stuff, I will surf this wave as I once did before. I will piss through these 3 first Nanas easily and get me some A&P and then ... then I will get somewhere". 

I think it's time I pay more respect to the 3 initial stages and actually intimately be with what is and also watch out for the anticipations and certainties and desire for something other than this.

Do not underestimate the first 3 stages people! As they are pre-A&P it's easy to de-value them in our minds and fail to get to learn them. Hence get stuck  

May we all practice well! 

Lots of work around the house at the moment. Preparing to lay down a thick layer of gravel in front of the house. Also helping out one neighbor. 

Managed to sit twice 2 days ago and each time the noting was strongly seated in the absorption states. There is stil noting all the rest but Jhana stuff was strong in the visuals and was of more interest to the mind. 
I was using the window as a Light Kasina. Staring through it for a few minutes just noting and then closing the eyes and seeing the green shape that gets red around it, then yellow eats up the green center and then red eats up the yellow center and green halo surrounds the red. Then there is just this gorgeous deep blood rose-red center which keeps moving upwards and at some stage dark black eats up this redness. Then even the black just dissolved into the grayish dynamic background. 

During these there is no stiffness in body but as soon I move the neck just a bit the stiffness is Very stiff and unpleasant. Also off cushion. 


As of late I'm hunting for a new guitar. Sold lots of my old gear and now hunting for a new axe. I can sense Hungry Ghost realm and constant seeking for the best opportunity. There is stress around this wanting. Keeping mindful of it during off cushion. 

One question for you Fire Kasina folks;

What do you suppose I'm to do once all these colored centers change colors and after the red turned to black and then even black disappears and no more dots or circles are there. What do you do with that dynamic background that has shapes moving about and all seems rather grayish , all sorts of shades of grey. The shapes are not vivid. Nothing very special in that image space. Just sit with it? Recharge anew with the Kasina (Fire, light) ? 

After some hard physical work today had chance to sit before collecting my son. 

Had no energy to note aloud or note, period! So I just sat in silence and even closed eyes. Pleasure in the hands was there. Some itching and body twitching. But mostly there were thoughts popping up and passing, then just some "silent" movements in the mind ... likely the movement of clinging searching for something, maybe I could call it an urge to contact something maybe. There was this sense of the one noting, or having urge to note this or that. So yeah, many such movements have been seen as if being ghosts. If I'm to give it a shape then this Noter would have a shape of a sword made of wood. I have not seen this of course. It just had that feel to it. 

Off cushion; right side of neck and shoulder stil seem to be stiff. Little less maybe. Some sore spot in the throat too. Left eye still tearing all the time but not heavily. 
General feeling seem "allright". All seems ok. As in all of it. There is stiffness, some stress or anxiety in lower belly too but all just seems ok. Even on cushion and off cushion seem ok and the same. 

Had time to sit with noting aloud. 

Noting went fast and effortless almost mantra like voice to it. Noting felt as noting, voice as voice, some mind movements towards the noted objects or towards the noting or towards the voice ... 

The most solid feel was in the few scenario spins but something g in relation to these thoughts is letting them be as such. 

Ear frequency was high pitch. Image space with open eyes was not really murky but a bit lighter grey all over and diffused. 

Some boredom towards the end of sit. Also observed that mind movement towards it. That jerky ghost like movement to claim an experience. 

The day I reported about the Light Kasina during my noting aloud session I also made a short video of it afterwards but had no time to upload it. Might be of interest to those of you practicing Fire Kasina (I stared at the window, was sunny outside and unlit room where I sat)
https://youtu.be/rLbXc1pJkYY

Off cushion;

about an hour ago the overall stiffness of right side of neck and shoulder is very strong and there is this agonising feel in the head (as if its pulsating but not really) and throat soreness (right side also), as well as high frequency pitch in the ears. Im starting to feel as if really getting sick and am starting to consider to go to the doctors and check if maybe Im actually getting sick or maybe have some issues with the neck and shoulder. Todays sit certainly did fire up this as the sit was very much on fire, effortless fire but still rather fast throuhgout. Absorption felt as 4th Jhana and dipping down to 3rd for a few moments but quickly resolving to the 4th (lots of okeyness with all the arisings and the whole image space had that samness in a light grayish shade with many tiny non-sharp shapes). Dedicating merit from the sit today was non-issue and was dedicated wholeheartly (there was no resistance to it as Ive reported recently)

If this bodily agony really is caused by 3C's (which Im sensing now for a longer while) then maybe I should opt to do a mini retreat at home and try to plow through it. Im maybe just stiring it up with daily meditation and not really giving it that depth it needs?

I feel like going to bed and just hide under the duvet! I should check if I have fever too!

Off cushion; 

Agony subsided today. Stiffness is there but milder. Had a job interview today and felt some excitement. I could see the flip flop move of the "not so mindful" of it and "mindful of it" and how Dukkha has a continuum in one and cessation in the other one. Simple stuff really but nice to see it clearly in action off cushion. It's almost like a switch that can be switched either way;get lost in it or just awaken to it. It's a bit like a choice. Wanna be awake? Well then just be simply awake to it and know it for what it is. Want to be absorbed in the seemingly continuous Dukkha? Well just do exactly that and keep suffering. 

There is no magic in all this. Practice sure helps in training in attention and learning first hand that objectified stuff ain't self, is unsatisfactory and impermanent. Cool. Next is a choice. Do I want to flick that switch and have the light of awakeness On or Off? One can do either way. So grow up, stop wining, and decide which story you prefer. In many instances there is just simple laziness to be awake to experience off cushion. It's much easier to let habit dance its dukkha dance. (talking to myself here and mostly for off cushion experiences). 

Will know tomorrow or Monday if I got the job (it's just for 2 months but still very welcome). 

I'm feeling a certain shift off cushion. In the past there was always this sense of a watcher seeing arisings but as of late I can not sense this watcher and there is just knowing of the unfolding of experience. There is no distance from this body moving, talking, seeing, being annoyed, joyful, excited or tired etc ... Just knowing of it. A dispersonal knowing. Nothing special feeling wise about it. Even if I'm to ask who is knowing there is still just knowing of the knowing. 

On cushion and off cushion are very much the same except that on cushion does introduce tranquility as drinking water keeps the body hydrated I guess. 

There is no weight to this knowing of the experience unfolding nor is there a preference as such. Be there annoyance with a situation or enjoyment it's only been known. 

There is also being absorbed into scenarios that happen during the day and then knowing of it and no feeling of failure or guilt about it. It feels like being submerses when absorbed and then there is this knowing as if one is not submerses any longer but even this was known as if from another point and so on. There are knowing of knowing of knowing so to speak. Makes sense as we only have This infinite small Thisness and the knowing has already passed away and afresh knowing of that memory and so on and on and on. 

There is no desire to do daily sitting practice but it's also ok to do it. Right side of the neck and shoulder as well as shoulder blade is still being stiff. 
Attention is moving from object to object without moving at all as it's seamless. There is just knowing of this unfolding in its myriad forms, pleasant, neutral or unpleasant, having views, or doubts, or annoyance or compassion ... there is knowing of it all. And there is nothing special about it. There is however less suffering in this knowing of the unfolding. 

Im to start a new full time job this Monday packaging Xmas presents. Also finished laying down the 14 kubic meters of gravel infront of our house. So happy with not walking over mud and me kid and dog not bringing it into the house anymore  
Edit;
Gotta share the image of the work done  

Nice house! Makes me want to visit ... Denmark, right? I was actually going to visit the Netherlands this past summer. But, well.. y'know

Denmark indeed With Corona around nothing is as it used to be. 

Thanks! Still lots to fix on it; need more new (white) windows , new door , painting, reparations of all sorts ... a never ending project! 

Papa's rumbling moment before bed time;



I think Im starting to understand the reason behind Morality or training in morality that is. In the past I could never understand why one would need it as meditation would lead to awakening, hence to letting go of all the "bad stuff". Funny really. Right now I can only see stuff unfolding in the now and its all from ugly to lovely, from icth to bliss, from worry to faith, from like to dislike, ... anything, unfolding in all shapes and forms. THIS is just about anyhting and has nothing "Holy" about it and yet is so simple and for that reason alone, profound. 

But, as ALL is there, and for that reason so many "awakened masters" can still be assholes as some report Its all there. Unfolding. This leading to that and that leading to this etc ... 

I know see why the need to observe the morality and even why bother observing the reality throught he 6 Realms model. Keneth Folk told me that its a far better model that the POI. I was mad at him for saying that back then It really did bother me. But I see now why that is usefull. 
Still have no clue how to put it into "practice" other than Notice it for what it is ... either decide to commit to it or not.

Im not saying anything against POI and the practice of Noting! Not at all. Im still totally for it (to the point where one feels the need to pursue it that is). I think we all different in many ways. Call it Karma or else. As Kenneth say, some are very dense personalities and need lots of practice, many attainment before one "gets it". Some are less dense and hence need less to "get it". This means no such thing as one is worse or better than another person. It just is what it is and we go with it.
For most of us certain level of "attainment" is needed for that not-self of this unfolding to actually stick. THIS is happening weather we like it or not, are seeing self or not self, being awake to it or being embeded in it. Its all there FULL STOP. It certainly feels different when awake in it, knowing it. 

Im back to working full time and feel rather tired but this new work gives me oportunity to be in various social situations and watching THIS unfolding in these. Its interesting and humbling. One can be such a dick at thimes and also a very helpful person, or else. THIS is constantly changing shape and form. 

BTW, not even one person in my team knows what Hitchhickers Guide to the Galaxy is  

Good night folks and best wishes to all!

The new job is indeed physically hard. 8 hours being on feet and constant packing of gifts. Knowing of the unfolding experience is there with lapses during the last couple of hours. The last hour my brain doesn't seem to be Albee to follow what people are saying. Concentration all time low due to tiredness towards end of shift. I can sense knowing being covered by the blanket of absorption (as in absorbed in a feeling, thoughts, states, ignorance). 

Im starting to see connection between this body and excess in working hard and yet being forced to be there for 8 hours (otherwise you get fired if to take breaks or leave early of course). 
An animal would just lay down and relax to regain bodily strength and mind clarity. Sadly we can't do this during work hours. 

Once back home there is family activity and our son takes much of this time of course. The exhausted brain and body can't keep up with the influx of sensate experience. This is usually in the sense door of hearing hence comprehending + feeling and all domino effect put together causes irritation or aversion in case of too much screaming voice from my boy demanding stuff or just playing too loudly. 

So it seems right livelihood would also mean not working like a horse so to speak Working less would mean having less = changing ones lifestyle

Its not all about just knowing the experience unfolding moment by moment but also finding ways to reduce excess in anything really. Too much work, too much food, too much ... or too little sleep, not enough water hydration, not enough meditation time for tranquility and grounding etc ...

All that we do or don't do will have a foot print on what shape or form THIS will be.
One thing is reaching the point of knowing experience unfolding and another knowing how to decide if to commit or not commit to any arisen Realm of the 6 and finding a balance between the excess in any direction. 
As Buddha learned from a passing musician "if you tune your sitar too tightly the string will snap and too loosely it will not make a nice sound". Middle way. As we see here music has the power to bring down the Berlin Wall and to show Buddha the Middle Way. 

I was dreaming last night; was a vivid, violent and brutal situation. Don't feel like sharing the details and am mentioning in case such dreams pop up again. 

Ive had this year 3 memorable dreams which included DhO members and each dream had two of our members in it. 2x3=6

No.6 ... hm ? ... I better go find my towel just in case ! 

This one is for all you Noble dhamma warriors who plunged 'Down the rabbit hole' Best wishes to all of you! 
https://youtu.be/GeMtjJX9Weg

When I get inspired then passion for what ever I work on just goes through the roof. This is just how it always was and still is. Back in the days before meditation I would experience burn outs after, say, working on a new riff for a song or painting a painting.

During my meditation years I would see this passionate inspiration bubbling up like a vulcano eruption and would kind of push it away a bit, not really staying in touch with it as it was so very powerfully felt in the body. It is very excited, like a child when it gets a favorite toy maybe. Its a bit manic as well I guess.

Right now Im aslo getting more inspired to do some music and I feel this raw passion bubbling up but now feel to let it rip and just know it. Its not harmful to others or myself It might be naive and child-like and not at all mature but it is what it is and seems to be part of this unfolding of mine. Why shy away from it? This shying away from it is the interesting factor to know as well. There is some sadness in this dance between inspiration.passion and this shying away from it ... 

As Kenneth Folk say something like (paraphrasing here), at some stage one realises that one is not in control of this ride and best to just sit at the back and enjoy the ride sweetheart  

You are a very talented musician for sure! Full speed ahead! As long as you give us sneak peaks of your new projects of course haha

Lets rip it man !!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uT3SBzmDxGk

This is the 2nd week at me new job, working in Santa's Workshop wrapping up tons of presents of all sorts and new orders just keep coming in! Bodily and menataly exhausted. 

Today was especially unpleasant and there was almost this animalistic need to just stop dragging that "plow" and lay down. Hour after hour of the same moves and packaging same items ... phew. It has a bit of a hypnotic effect on the mind, as in putting it to sleep. The body is just plain exhausetd from standing for 7 hours (sitting during the 2 breaks). 

There seems to be more friendliness towards certain people and less towards others. Today there was even some aversion and annoyance felt towards one person. Tiredness seems to amplify this annoyance. This aversion is rather superficial. This means lack in compassion and the rest of Brahmaviharas really. What a shity mind environment to be in. Oh boy. I could not feel compassion for that persons tiredness and suffering as my tiredness and suffering was greater and more important or something like that.

THIS is rather tired and just waiting to go to bed and thinking about the incoming weekend in hope to relax... yes, its also unpleasant and stiff in the neck, back, limbs ... 

nuf moaning, back to chop wood carry water ...

It's been like that way for a few months now and it feels OK. Seen some small signs of the lessened resistance making my life a tiny bit better.

Good on you Best wishes! 

Did some noting aloud during a 40 minutes drive home as a CONR intervention. It's Friday and body-mind is tired after a hard working week also agitated due to working with a person that doesn't really click well with my southern lively personality  

Right now walking in our little forest with me lovely dog and taking it all in;
coldness and comprehending (cold air), hearing and comprehending (birds chirping), preassure and comprehanding (feet on the ground), preassure and comprehanding (finger and hand on iPhone), coldness, seeing (the screen), pleasant (the hearing of birds) ... 

COVR? Southern lively personality?

That's good noting while walking through the little forest 

My cultural background is a mix of different cultures as I'm born in Germany and my parents stem from ex-Yugoslavia. I also lived in ex-YU, Ireland, Sweden and now Denmark. Still I think I do have more of the southern lively expression due to genes maybe or else. I always blame the horoscope  

Search for CONR + Kenneth Folk ! 

Sensing the body-mind being fidgety as if there is Adrenalin pumping through it. There is a low frequency drumming sound in the ears/hearing and is mixed with the high pitch frequency. 

I have sensed fear and slight paranoia thoughts arising in the last few days. There was also a dream two nights ago, a very unpleasant dream were some people tried to break into our house and hurt me it seemed.

There are also thought scenarios about conflicts arising. 

Will do some house clean up and then sit a session to see what's going on as some stuff seems to be going under the radar of mindfulness as of late. I'm sure that this has much to do with being very exhausted from work and not sitting as often since the start of this new job. 

Sat a 45er. Freestyle noting aloud + open eyes Kasina at the same time. 

At start there was lots of separateness between objects, very chunky feel between attention and object. 

After a while of heat there was skin coolness and long outbreaths with very short inbreaths and some murk in the image space, then towards the end all got into a flat hazy togetherness of objects and attention. 

Right now there is calm, awareness of the unfolding and high pitch frequency in the ears, also slight stiffness in the right side of neck and lower back and tiny vibrations on the top of the head, under the skin it seems. 

EDIT; there is also some sadness around the eyes, almost a tearing sensation but no tears. Maybe sense of loss or similar. Don't know. 

Will do weekend sits from now on. Better than no sits at all!  

Most certainly feeling absorbed into some overwhelmed feeling of sorrow and aversion in my life. This calls for cushion work. Will see how to implement more sits within my working week. 

After Sam inquiring about Shamatha I though to give it a go (45 min sit passed very fast) As I'm totally wrecked as of late due to the physical nature of my new job I'm just way too tired to do any alert noting practice so I thought why not. If Sam is asking about it then there is a good reason for it  

Funny fact; I was sitting in my old Seiza bench closed eyes in silence and at some stage my partner started the television not knowing that I'm sitting in the next room meditating and the door was open. I remembered back in my early meditation years this would drive me crazy but now it just was part of This experience. There arose a smile on my face. Some things really change with this practice. Or maybe I'm just getting older. Or it could be both  

Anyway, I think I'm sitting in Shamata (or maybe it's Just Sitting with the tiredness) on work days in the evening and give Noting Aloud a weekend spin and shake up that part of my brain also (Ni Nurta). 

Hi Papa Che, I'm sorry to hear about the sucky new job and general tiredness and reduced practice time. Please feel free to tell me to fuck off () as I have no right to be judging your personal situation, but it might be possible to reframe things as an opportunity to examine feelings of resistance and aversion. When I'm stuck having to do things I really don't want to do I often find myself fantasizing something like "if only I could run away and become a monk then I would have all the time in the world to meditate and overcome suffering", without realizing that I have the opportunity to be experiencing exactly the kind of suffering which practice is designed to overcome. I watched this interview with zen monk Daizan Skinner last night where he describes the hard physical labor, enforced tedium and lack of freedom in living conditions and something sort of clicked for me ... How would I feel if I had given up my life and joined a monastery and the head abbot had just assigned me to do the same things which I really don't want to do?

"fantasizing something like "if only I could run away and become a monk then I would have all the time in the world to meditate and overcome suffering",  "

Ive had this happen in the past and always there was that urge to go be a monk  
However since "that" cessation last year I'm not getting that urge around meditation any longer. Now the living is just lifeing and meditation is just part of that lifeing. I now look more at meditation like an intervention in case something shows up as solid and keeps bugging. Also look at it as drinking water to keep the body hydrated or like playing a sport to get some cardio experience Meditation would be mind excercise. 

That heavy feeling of aversion and sadness has cycled away and there was a feeling of relief of sorts and okeyness with this just being as it is. 

Right now I'm at work having lunch and right now it's ; sharp stiffness in the neck, unpleasant, hearing, unpleasant, preassure, unpleasant, knowing, knowing, neutral, preassure in the right side of head, unpleasant, tiredness, unpleasant, hearing, imagining, unease in lower belly, unpleasant, touching, neutral, imagining, wishing well, sadness around eyes, soreness in the right side of throat, stiff neck, unpleasant ... 

As you can see it's nothing out of the ordinary it's just a bad day if I'm to ponder over it that is! 

That's a great attitude. I'm happy for you. 

I also read a bit further back in your log and see there's some good stuff going on, so maybe it was just me jumping to conclusions again and evangelizing as I'm prone to do! 

Nice looking job on the house by the way 

Thanks! Still to change all the old red windows and that old green door it's an old house that needs much investing! 

Bit like the dharma then!

Yeps old age, sickness and inevitably Death  

Was interested around the job situation and the arising of all sorts of unpleasant states, feelings and body sensations. There was this thought "Im not being mindful hence there is suffering, I must go back to practice more to get rid of this suffering" but there was also "knowing" of this thought arising, and frankly "knowing" of all the rest of the unpleasant unfolding. Came to realise that if I was burning on the Sun I would automatically seek for shade. Well, this job is hard and no mammal enjoys plowing for 8 hours non-stop. Most mammals would automatically just seek a shade under a bush to relax the body, preserving the energy. Only humans seem to be stupid enough to work so much.

So there we go The joke is on me, yet again Suffering is caused by stupidity and false views, and meditation teaches us to see through this and seek the thick shade of the middle way (as Terry say, Buddha was homeless and never really worked for a living, except talking for a few minutes here and there to those willing to be gored by a cow protecting her calf).

Hey, do you know that in the Middle Ages, even peasants worked only half of the year or so ??

Best wishes papa !

Cleaver folks! I prefer the hunter-gatherers society. Nomadic, traveling in groups, on the move, hunting and gathering in this (back then) fruitful nature as much they could eat that day. Shit along the way leaving nutrients for new plants. Also staying fit as the diet included very little carbs and going for long walks and fighting the lions and wolves. Sign me up!  

And probably very vigilent, energetic, more concentrated... 

Wasn't that because half of them died in the black death so wages doubled?

Every other day or so was a feria, religious celebration. It wasn't a productivist society at all. The black death was active 1348-17th century, most of the MA didn't have it.

Ah ok, bunch of slackers then  

Or we are crazy ;)

For sure. Tossing a coin, what would you rather be: peasant in the Middle Ages or working class in 2020?

Peasant. 

(If I'm a peasant with enough land and a nice view and nice Lord )

But yeah thinking about it, papa's hunter gatherer thing attracts me even more !

I'd like to be a first nations person from the vancouver BC coastline, if you really ask me.

Your lord would only be nice to you if you were doing
something extra for him, and then you would be moving up in the world. 

If you really want to be a hunter gatherer then screw trying to make a career out of awakening and go work in sales. Survival of the fittest, eat what you kill, no questions asked. 

Like the new photo by the way, much more how can I say ... professional?

lol, yes, I was waiting for someone to comment on that - the last one was supposed to be funny, was it ?

I don't particularly believe that the law of the jungle applied to our ancestors, in fact I feel that on the contrary smaller scale societies in places of abundance (like the BC coast with salmon and all kinds of wild life), within a context where the world view was one of interconnectedness of all beings and life was dimmed sacred... Mitakuye Oasin... , and in which life and death had a meaning, must have been pretty fulfilling forms of existence, albeit probably harder.

If we want to go for an evolutionary perspective, that's how we came to evolve through 10's of thousands of years and we are most likely more biologically adapted to such a way of living than sedentary high consumption life styles :p

There is a very cool film by Pasolini, about the difference between a modern mindset where the gods are absent, and the ancestral mindset, let's say, where rites and magic were an integral part of life. It's called Medea, from the greek myth ; very cool if you ask me.

But who knows, maybe our kids will find out if some of them survive the 21st century

edit : there's this wonderful collection of native stories : https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/509333.Touch_the_Earth

One of them is from a 16th century canada indian who is reproaching the french for having brought wine and bread (!) to their land, and for the fact that now, his people didn't live to the venerable ages of 130 or 140 years. Makes one wonder.

"If we want to go for an evolutionary perspective, that's how we came to evolve through 10's of thousands of years and we are most likely more biologically adapted to such a way of living than sedentary high consumption life styles"

I can tell a war story, and how once factories and import-export closed down and all was isolated from the rest of the world people quickly foud their way towards Mother Earth and naturally started growing food and forming small helpful social groups in the time of no electricity, where evenings were spent around a candle flame (made from bees wax) and elders telling stories from their life. 

Eventhough this might sound harsh to most westerners I find it to be cozy, mysterious and warm. All neighbors were so friendly as we were a large family. Life was not lonely eventhough it was hard. 

After the war, factories reopened , import-export also, and people went back to their 9 to 5 struggle and saving money for luxury. Neighbors started being more intolerant of each other and all concerned only with themselves and having little time for others. The life felt lonely again. But we had the luxury stuff. 

What I'm trying to say is; we really adapt fast to hard times and naturally move towards nature and forming friendly and helpful social groups. All we need to do is take down all the governments and wreck the stock market system and support each in returning to nature. Most folks are utterly scared of this and will protect the matrix of stock market just to stay connected to asphalt and concrete. People will not be willing to do this on their own. We love being lost in luxury and fake freedoms. 

When I was in mountains spending months there, I would only face one day at a time. Future did not exist. When I wake up I would first look at the sky to see the weather. These days I first look at my weather app to see what the weather is and then check DhO  
In the mountains even going to the outdoor toilet in the evening was an adventure as there could be wolves there or a Bear. Here in the safety of our home it's just another thing where I go to and maybe check the weather app and DhO while taking a dump  

Just rumbling. 

I agree there does seem to be a trade-off between material security and social isolation. When I was 18 I spent 6 months living with the Sherpas in the Himalayas. I think it's fair to say we envied them and they envied us. Life was good until someone got sick or had an accident or the crop failed. I view the stock market as an extension of the need to manage the natural cycle of feast and famine. It doesn't offer much security but it's more than being a subsistence farmer. I agree it would be nice to spend more time around the fire telling stories. Our power went out recently for a few days and it was "just like the old times".  Now my father-in-law got a generator. 

I thought the last photo was kind of cool, very Daliesque, but yeah a little on the crazy side. Much more respectable now, maybe you could grow the mustache a bit to make up for it. 

I agree sedentary living is a killer. I'll check out those native stories thanks. I found this research which claims the native americans became less violent as they got more specialized. Sounds a bit revisionist but it references an impressive looking book by Stephen Pinker book called The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined.
  

How is that ?

Can you expand your views about finance and trading which i've read you express somewhere else ?

I don't want to sound unpleasant but (1) i've heard so many times that the world of finance was the most fundamental place of resistance making it impossible to achieve any meaningful transformation of society towards another model than globalized growth (ie "keep producing and consuming more and more"), and (2) a lot people I find reasonable express the opinion that humanity is racing towards its own extinction and that this process is largely driven by the profit driven technological flight forward and market deregulations... So I have trouble seeing that world with positive lens, but perhaps you can change that. 

Perhaps we should take this to private messaging if you're up for it - unless papa che is interested in having this discussion here, Papa ?

Btw, cool war story Papa che. Which war was that ?

Here's a Huxley quote from memory: "The Popes of the 16th century lived in a discomfort that any small bank director of today would find unbearable, but they had the sixtine chapel."

Cheers

I'm happy to have you lads around just chat away! 

The war story is a long story. Maybe another time I will tell more about it. Or not  

The way I see it, life as a hunter gatherer was violent, unpredictable and short. Becoming a subsistence farmer brings more security, but there's not much cushion, hence the drive to form communities with shared resources. Then it becomes advantageous to specialize because e.g. some people are better at growing crops than keeping animals. Barter works for a while but it becomes impractical with greater degrees of specialization, hence the need arises for a medium of exchange, i.e. money. Money is also useful as a store of value, e.g. bartering some of my excess crop this year for some of your crop next year when. Once you have money then trade with faraway places becomes possible and also credit (borrowing money) becomes inevitable. In a nutshell, capitalism. Stocks are just a sophisticated way to exchange some of your labor for someone else's and delay consumption.

The whole process is driven by the need for security, which morphs into a demand for ever more varied goods and services (consumerism). It's hard to pinpoint where this process becomes excessive and attempts to reverse it have tended to fail (centrally managed economies or trade restrictions). I don't view it as positive or negative, just a fact of life. If enough people want change then change will eventually happen - reduction in church power, reduction in aristocrat power, protections for children, end of slavery, women's rights etc. On the margin consumers do seem to be becoming more aware of exploitation and pollution and changing their consumption patterns and you also have the growth in sustainable investing. But I wouldn't bet on the end of capitalism any time soon. Obviously there's still a lot which needs to change, but don't forget that bemoaning the state of the world is a long tradition which brings its own kind of satisfaction. 

Big picture, you could even argue that the kind of social and economic development we've seen is inevitable. The best description of the large scale evolution of the universe we have is the second law of thermodynamics, which states that entropy (disorder) always increases. Ordered structures like life only exist because they are spectacularly good at dissipating energy. Society has become more ordered (lower entropy) because it's the best way to create even more entropy in the form of pollution. All natural systems are competing to produce entropy the fastest and if we take our foot off the pedal then some other race or species will take our place. The human race is going to die out relatively soon one way or the other and life is suffering anyway right? Of course we can reduce suffering by becoming buddhists, but buddhists are way too low entropy to be tolerated by nature for long. 

Its no longer easy to get upset without getting some serious unpleasant body sensations. Was upset today with my boy chasing our dog around the house. The dog wanted to just chill out and after a few times me saying stop with it, he simply continued to chase him so I snapped and asked him with a more angry tone of voice and immediatelly got a sharp pain under the skull hitting through the brain on the left side of the head, as if something sharp was sticking from the heavens right down into the brain. Also everything contracted in the knowingness and all was kind of tight, in the breahing and belly had unpleasant tension to it. The arms/hands and legs also got contracted and blood pumping in the veins especially in the arms.

Im still feeling rather tired and exhausted from this new job of mine and this too effected the overall non-tolerance and snappy reaction.

On top of this Im into hunting for a Telecaster guitar and that is utterly leading mind into the Hungry Ghost realm There is just so much contraction in the chest and arms and upper chest and jaws as if Im getting ready to jump on a prey, like an animal  
There is some adrenaline to this guitar hunt!

Gotta go earlier to bed if Im to have energy for another work-week. BTW, the high pitch ear frequency is very loud.

Very relaxed this morning. Tired but very much chilled out. Work as usual but with okeyness in general. Stiffness in the body is also okey. Breathing is long; outbreath goes all the way then there is a relaxed pause and then inbreath goes all the way. No stuck "energies" in the breathing apparatus so to speak. Queen playing on the radio. 

Today at work ... watching experience unfolding ... it's such a relief when there is knowing experience as it's arising-passing/unfolding. 

There are all sorts of mind states, feelings and body sensations. There is sinking into a mind state absorption and scenario spinning and there is always suffering there or some contracting and such a momentary relief each time there is awakening in it and it's seen/known as an experience. 
It all seems like a large theatre piece unfolding its story. 

Im starting to wonder "who is this Papa Che or what shape or form will he be in this and this moment ..." We all have some ideas about who we are in this world but what about not really knowing ho who we are and instead looking what pops up and what reveals itself in This moment alone. For this to work I must let go of the things I believe I am in this world and rather just Listen-Watch-Feel-Sense what is revealing itself. one might even be pleasantly surprised what comes to be (in the larger kazoo stitched up Frankenstein version). 

Lunch break is over! Must go back to work! Ta ta! 

Good stuff 


Just another thing to ponder - who would be letting go?

Who is asking? ;) 

There's a neat yogi trick for exiting this particular realm:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U5dvC5qr6Y

At work now; 

lots of agitation, reactivity, tiredness, overwhelm, dislike. Need for silence and solitude. 

HA! At first I thought you posted link to an actual yogi doing some strange stuff and was not interested to click on the link but then thought why not as you have clearly posted this to me and so I did YES YES YEEESSS! Thats the most powerful Yogi trick you can do! Cheers!  

Later on at work there was more absorption into the work itself, the packing of presents into small boxes and there was a pleasant flow to it. Then there was some macho show off between me and another rather large worker lad who tried to boss us around so I was beating myself on the chest like a Silverback and he did it too, then I did some more chest beating, then he said "I appologise, I will try and talk in a more friendly way next time" so all calmed down after that and there was more flow and absorption in the work itself, packing present into small boxes, one after the other they be packed away and vanished into larger boxes to be taped away and wrapped up ... blip, they ceassed to be. Now you see them. Now they're gone! 

 

Just something I keep noticing; 

It seem as if the mind is falling towards one side when in absorption (I talk about absorption into a narrative, La-la Land). Each time the awakeness in this moment arises there is a pull from that "side" and is more centered/non-inclined. This can really be seen clearly during sits with closed eyes, where even the eyes seem to follow towards either left or right side, a bit up or down , and returns to centered/all inclusive/non-inclined when knowing awakeness/awareness is back online. 

Off cushion;
Very unpleasant low sub-frequency in ears. High pitch frequency also present. Unpleasant preassure in the top of the skull pressing inwards it seems. Shallow in breathing and long outbreathing. Lack of motivation. Sore unpleasant spot in the throat. Stiff right side of neck. Unpleasant hypersensitivity to sounds. 
Had a bad dream. Also arising unpleasant memories from the past. Desire for solitude and quiet. 

Seems like a mish-mash of different stage aspects. 

At work; 

Unpleasantness in form of dislike seems like washing down the body in waves or surges. As if it's pulled down by gravity (assumption). 

There is some sadness behind and around eyes. Hearing music seems to effect this sadness and dislike. 

Was a while since Ive had a vivid dream. Last night's dream;

I was cycling towards a forest and just as I cycled over a small hill I could see lots of bodies laying on the road and beside the road and close to a house on the right side of the road. This was infront of the forest on a field with a road and one house (I know this spot and I pass it often in real life). Dead bloody bodies of Foxes, Wolves and Humans. On the left side of the road there was one survivor, a Wolf just resting and panting, obviously after this exhauting fight. The Wolf was just looking at me. There was slight fear in me and some "spring like" readiness to act in fight or flight mode, and I gently turned around and cycled back where I came from (end of dream).

Another vivid dream; 

Was flying above water and a city of sorts. Almost collapsed with a flying bird and a few humans who were also flying. Not really feeling at home up in the air. 

Haven't been sitting for a while now due to the nature of my job but now the job has finished (was for only 7 weeks). 

Off cushion there is low frequency drumming in the hearing with high pitch frequency over or trough it. There is pixelation in the image space when simply looking at stuff around the room. 
Out rearming is long and in breathing shallow and short. Body tiredness. Stiff neck. 

Last night woke up from a nightmare. I was running from a forest and trying to save someone. Some house with corridors. 

Will be on my own for a few days so planning to light up a candle and do Brahmaviharas practice with Fire Kasina. 

Did me some fire Kasina today. 

First charge eyes felt as they are hot from the flame (1meter away infront of the face) and sense of feeling hot air from the flame. 

Closed the eyes and the Kasina (green with pink around and black around that and some kind of paisley rim around that black) got sucked far into the background. 

Second charge ... don't remember right now what happened during recharge except of thinking about the 4 Brahmaviharas. 

Closed eyes the Kasina (same color as before) was to the left then after a while went towards center but a bit lower. Something was dancing around it. Not sure. Waves maybe? 

Third recharge with eyes open and the room went dark (did this during day time). 

Closed eyes and Kasina was there changing the center to red then black then back to red and at some stage there was a purple haze around the Kasina. The haze was very much dynamic. Like smoke. 
At some stage there appeared a few very light tiny "openings/windows" all over the dark image space in the periphery. 

Not totally sure about how to formulate my own Brahmaviharas practice as it's best it feels natural rather than do as others are doing it (as in using wording of another person). 

However dedicated the merits to all beings and decided that awakening without Brahmaviharas as it's unfolding expression is not worth a penny. 

Trying to make non-sense out of all this sense might be the safest way. But I'm not certain. 

This fire kasina stuff is not really doing it for me. I dont find it to be of much interest for some reason and even the brahmaviharas practice seem kind of "forced" dont like that.

Anyway, I can feel lots of bodily agony. There is a heavy pressure going all the way from the top of the skull (slightly to the right) and into the brain and down into the right neck and right side of the throat and down the right side of the shoulder blade. Im not sure if Im just simply sick or if this is some nasty 3C's Nana but it feels very solid and is causing agitation and overwhelm because of it.

Im considering to fire up my usual noting practice and get this agony thing cycling stage-wise as its pissing me off  

Will ponder some more as I prefer to know my practice before I get into it. Dont like being in the practice with one foot only. I either jump in with both feet or not at all. 

Also to mention; I easily start crying when seeing some emotional stuff on screen (I even cried when I was watching Kung-fu Panda with my son) oh gawd whats going on! Im a lad, we are not to cry!!! Am I getting sick??!!  

Hm? ... I wonder if this right side skull-brain-behind eye-throat-neck-shoulder preassure sensation is Migraine? I used to have those in the past but would know its a migraine. This I seem not to know as migraine but as unpleasant sensation! Could this be that good old migraine just not known as such but its components instead??? Hm ... ? ... ?

Could be ! Seems that this sometimes happens to insight meditators

I used to have ophtalmic migraines, and after a few years I'd get them in a different form with just visual stuff and nausea. And I think I have them sometimes now in a very mild form which is probably not identified as migraine.

It seems like it However there was fear factor there and insomnia last night. Today I sense Mysery as in sadness but the bodily stiffness is not much present. The ear frequency is present all day and is high pitch and there is drumming under it. Throat still soar in the right side. Less overwhelmed with what's been heard today. 

Gotta get my head around how to proceed with the practice (method). One part of me feels like Just Sitting and one feels like Mahasi Noting. The Jhana and Fire Kasina are not sparking inspiration. 

... hm ... 

I hope it is not presumptuous to say anything here, Papa Che. But it seems like you are in a pretty high desire for liberation phase tightly woven into a maximum of cluelessness as to technique, the "how" that allows us to sustain our practice generally through everything that comes up. Plus physical distress. The kitchen is as hot as it gets, basically, and the solution--- keep cooking? cooking what? how? flee the kitchen? turn down the flame? how?!--- the next thing to do, the practice, the method, the technique, the thread through the labyrinth, is basically not clear. For me, "the fear factor" in such conditions is off the charts, more like terror, and revulsion for half ass methods, and revulsion for all my own tricks and doing, and fierce fierce longing to get clear of the shit. It may be peculiar to my own bulletproof depressive temperament, but sometimes I just throw every fucking thing overboard and do something like: better nothingness than any of the same old shit. It has to be very fierce and real to have an effect, and paradoxically, "having an effect" is something that I am basically not looking for anymore, at such a point. It is like the neti-neti meditation, "Not this-not that," except that the spirit is somewhat more "fuck this-fuck that." I just aim for nothing, lemme outta here, and fuck this to anything that presumes to offer a ":way" to any fucking thing. Burn at this temperature for a while, turning into nothigness every time something comes up, wanting only zero, and you end up with something like equanimity, except that you don't particularly want equanimity anymore, it's a fucking bait and switch, obviously, and so on into nothingness. You do this until either the timer goes off ending the session or you are dead. I always lean toward hoping the timer never goes off, and then when it does (as it always has so far) i usually feel like i took my best shot at the clear light and am clearly doomed to this fucking incarnation shit for the moment, and spend the rest of the time between sits trying to not be an asshole, until i can get back to the mat and seriously disincarnate my ass and get into nothingness properly. It is like a fast cycle of rebirths, basically, with the added element of really trying out the notion that it really might very well be better to not be reborn. This is pure heresy to me, for many reasons, and I only "allow" it when I am in the most serious shit. It seems rude, to not be reborn, sort of heartless. But we're talking about a degree of desperation in conjunction with a degree of cluelessness and a degree of self-knowledge and frustration across the board. 

Don't call the suicide hotline on me, please, lol. Dark night professional on a closed course, do not try this at home.

"I hope it is not presumptuous to say anything here"

Oh its all bed of roses around here mate milk and honey pouring all the time and lullabied by a choir of angels eternal  

Yes, this cycling has its joyous sides and the dark side where hemorrhoids rule the realms
There is me pondering some practical stuff in all this; basically Im still very much addicted to chewing tobacco and I use alot of it during my day. Im hiding something behind it. Be it in the nice faze of the cycling or the dark one, its the same thing trying to stay in the shadows. I sense sorrow, self-pity, fear as in not feeling safe to be naked infront of the Allmightly so to speak  

One thing is Mahasi Noting and seeing all stuff popping in and out and this leading to that and so on. But there seems to be shadow sides which dont poke their noses even during Noting so they stay under the radar.

There is alo the "all experiences are just that, an experience; Anicca, Dukkha and Anatta. Fuck all experiences!" Not that good really eventhough its true. So there is something there in either the pleasant part of the cycling or in the unpleasant part of the cycling, hidden, not wanting to be discovered.

This is what Im trying to realise and I think it seeks for action rather than not-action. It seeks some good work. Like we do when showing support to our meditator friends here and elsewhere
So Im looking for some "self-talk, self-hands on healing of body contact, self-support" of sorts to open up these shadow sides. Maybe all I need is another round with a therapist? Could well be

As per usual its more than just one thing one needs; we drink water, we eat food, we sleep, we go for a walk, we sing and dance ... so there is a cluster of bees needed to get this stuck stuff moving a bit, to soften it up so to speak.

This is long passed the usual Dark Night stuff which I sure can plow throgh in a day or two if Im to sit 2-3 times each day and note the heck out of it. 

So what it is that need be done, used, consumed, talked through, hugged out, massaged out so to get this shadow side softening up and letting go of the tight holding onto the tobacco which sure feels sickening most of the time. And Im not talking about Nicotine here. I did swap chewing tobacco for those nicotine chewing gums which are stronger and yet still I was craving to go back to the actual tobacco. See!  

Im choking something with this tobacco presence. Constant presence that is. 

I have started with Hands-on Self-Reiki and with saying an affirmation before bed time to let go of this habit for the benefit of myself, my family and all other beings as its of no benefit at all. Will kick my lazy ars to start using that stationary bike I have in the house and get the body going again as I excericise very little as of late (CORONA locked our Badminton).

So yes, all that cycling is anicca and dukkha and anatta, its milk and honey that turns to a pile of dung and then ripens into a gentle whisper of an angels quire and then round and round it goes  

BTW, thanks for stopping by I am sorry for not offering you a drink mate! This dhamma store of mine is bankrupt! I do have rainwater if you want  

This intuition of something beneath the surface, and the sense that the time is ripe for really trying to get in touch with it . . . and the chewing tobacco as a key, as something standing in for the deeper compulsion, covering the deeper wound or dynamic . . . Something you've been trying to "chew through," in dream/myth language, something that has been choking you, something you are thinking now maybe needs to be "spit out." And you're feeling like your life is in a good balance to take it on, to bring it out of the shadow. It's a sense of healing being possible now, of being capable of and ripe for the healing work to be done, yes?

The nearness of tears is another good indicator (although really, who DOESN'T cry at Kung Fu Panda?), the hits of deep poignancy, this is deep emotional readiness, openness, the vulnerability thinning the veils.

It has a Jungian flavor to me, something in the psychoanalytical/dream/myth depths. I think also of the deep work done by Stanislav Grof with both LSD and holotropic breathing, with its deepening progression of psycho-somatic layers, in that schematic going all the way to birth trauma and beyond, into transpersonal stuff, past lives, the core traumas of the samsaric cosmos. It is volatile territory, as you know. Olivier went through an explicit sense of getting in touch with "core trauma" stuff last summer, on his thread, and there were some great exchanges at that time between him and Shargrol, Steph, and Chris, among others. I know Shargrol has given the "core trauma" ground a lot of attention. I had a couple of episodes of very deep immersion in traumatic dynamics during my last mania, literally acting out and acting from the core trauma, several times, and recognizing it enough after those to at least stop setting the world on fire when it came into play. John of the Cross talks about the fundamental wound to the heart, inflicted by Love and healable only through Love. (I know how you Love Capital Letter Concepts, lol :lol

The rainwater here is great, thank you. I am actually part camel and am accustomed to licking to dew off the sand for certain portions of the journey, so your hospitality here is pure luxury. Your Dhamma store is bankrupt because you don't charge any money for stuff, by the way. But you knew that, right?

"Your Dhamma store is bankrupt because you don't charge any money for stuff, by the way."

I guess you get what you pay for  

Thanks for reflecting on this with me! This needs to simmer ... 

I've had this sore throat for a long time now. It appeared during my last Noting practice in 2020. Several months of daily practice logged here on DhO. 

Im starting to think it's illness but all stuff suffering comes from bodily agony of some sorts which then causes overwhelm emotionally. 

I will go for Corona test just to be sure and if it's not I will ask the doctor to check my throat and see if it's anything else wrong with it. If not than it must be something similar to those recent sensations which seem to be the migraine and yet I could not call them that way as that migraine was but several body sensations with unpleasant feelings. 
I guess the Chariot in this case indeed was not a chariot anymore. Perceptions sure seem to actually change. 

Not saying this sore throat on the right side is the same thing but if doctors don't find anything wrong with it I would say it's that blocked grieving sadness I sense in the eyes all the time. Btw the left eye has been tearing all the time since this soar throat appeared. 

Time to do some check ups to know at least what are sheep and what the wolves! This way I will know if to get me self a staff or a shotgun!!!  

Wow, I hope you're OK and its not COVID. Sending you good energy!

Thank you Sam Will check and see. I think it takes at least two weeks before I can get an appointment at the doctors at this time of Corona. 

It is what it is though "come what may"  

Sat last night for 30 minutes before bed time. I was tired and certainly not up for Mahasi noting so decided to just let Thisness unfold in all its glorious shape and form however it manifested. I think this might be my night time practice as its very much the same as during day off cushion but has more tranquility to it I think. It sure is better to sit down a while than stare at iPhone before bed time. 

I feel there is benefit to contrast my previous Noting Aloud practice with silent no effort at all practice and see what comes out of the shadows.