I get that you're accepting not knowing, but it does seem likely or at least possible to me, from what you've said, that at some point you experienced the A&P. I did when I was young. As for whether this explains everything that's ever happened to you since, of course that's impossible to pin down and essentially a blind alley. I've had all sorts of "stuff"--anxiety, depression, aches and pain--that may or may not have been D.N. But you're right that the important thing is to make a commitment to this practice and do it with all of your might.

One thing I can say from my own experience is that I've been going through the cycle again (with a separate A&P) since I've started this practice, regardless of what happened before and where it landed me. For awhile I was all confused about it, but as time went on and I posted my practice (my thread is on KFD) people were able to help orient me.

I also had this belief that somehow insight would cure everything that ailed me--that I'd be the person I've always been, minus the problems. I've since come to realize that insight is going to take me places I can't predict, and I just have to let go and let it happen. This has been hard. In talking of the relief of not knowing, I think you are absolutely on to something essential. Thanks for posting this. You are brave to discuss your doubts openly and you are doing everyone who reads your thread a real service.