Emil's Practice Log

Emil's Practice Log Emil Jensen 12/7/20 3:12 PM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log Emil Jensen 1/12/21 7:33 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log Emil Jensen 12/28/20 3:07 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log Emil Jensen 1/30/21 10:13 AM
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/20 3:12 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/20 3:04 PM

Emil's Practice Log

Posts: 319 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
Inspired by the many practice logs I see in here I am now creating my own in the hope that it will organize my efforts a little bit, which it really needs these days.

I will write all of this to myself,

but believe that writing it puclicly like this will create a good effect on my attention to details through articulation and sense of obligation to not just write anything. Let's see where it goes. Oh, and of course I would feel happy to discuss the contents of these loggings with anyone with valuable inputs, questions or whatever else.

First, a general update:
  • Started meditating in 2015
  • Got into Goenka style practice in 2016 and in 3 years I did 4x10 day sits and 1 voluntary retreat.
  • Stopped meditating for 2 years because I believed I was "there" or whatever. I believed that because I could see the three characteristics I understood and perceived what it was all about. This was my logic as I felt great and felt I had "super human powers" and stuff (with respect to suffering very little)
  • Hosted a presentation in front of 40 people for about 1.5 hours about "The Empirical Science of You" - my take on approaching "spiritucal insight" with a scientific framework. 
  • Realized I know jack shit about anything and wasn't enlightened after all.
  • Went on a solo 10 day retreat and did Mahasi Sayadaw noting style practice. 99% sure I reached equanimity
  • Spent 4 days in equanimity without bleeping out. 
  • Returned home and grew re-goddam-diculously depressed as I could see everything dissapear as soon as appearing, wishing for existence to be over really bad.
  • I felt that because I couldn't take the last step with 4 days of equanimity I couldn't possibly do it from at home with less ideal conditions.
  • Got my trip back together as I got back into a more normal way of living my life, losing grip of meditation power and concentration.
  • Feel pretty good again, making music, training and starting to feel motivated to see if I can progress in insight again.
Goals: I find it difficult to stick to 2 hours of meditation these days, which used to be my default for 3 years earlier on. However, for this log I will initially aim for at least one session per day, be it 30, 60, 90 or more minutes. With this little rigidity or fixed schedule, I believe I can stick to it.

How I meditate now: I find it difficult to do Mahasi Sayadaw style noting technique simply because it's too boring. If that's the case I do basic concentration practices. I like counting my breaths up to 100 and down again as an example. Hit some jhanic rapture stuff doing this just the other day and that was quite satisfying as it indicates that I do still have some concentration power left in me, and something to work with.

That's it for introduction to the log. My next post will be about my next one or few meditation session(s). 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/8/20 2:43 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/8/20 2:43 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

Posts: 319 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
This morning I feel the effect of having created a practice log. I feel like I want to log some interesting insight practice - now I just need to go do some!

About 50 minutes sit this morning:
I take base in noting rising and falling of the abdomen. In the beginning my mind was a bit noisy and it wasn't possible for me to note sensations in my body. But as I started scanning large body parts sequentially in between the breath-notings I could feel it losen up. "Head, arms, butt, hands, feet" and repeat.

At some point it feels like its starting to cause tension to note bodily sensations, because I can feel "my whole body" all at once while noting the rising and falling of the breath. If I can feel so many sensations at once, which to note? 

What I did then was just to keep noting the rising and falling of the abdomen and keep a more smooth attention on "the whole body". This is something I've done quite a bit and it feels like I can sort of "massage" my attention into these gray areas and feel my attention expand into them, making me more spacious. Sometimes it's impossible to penetrate a certain area, but some expansion of attention always happens up until a certain point.

My meditation ended with a feeling of sharper attention and spaciousness in the body.

Halfway in I did get caught mind wandering just briefly. It consered Heisenberg's uncertainty principle and Anicca, I guess it was too cool of a thought to not get a little bit carried away. Hah.

I also had some unusually insisting itches - but then I just went like "an itch, ya? Anicca la vista, babe!"
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/8/20 5:25 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/8/20 5:25 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

Posts: 2459 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
"I find it difficult to do Mahasi Sayadaw style noting technique simply because it's too boring."

emoticon in that case you either didn't do it as described or you are not yet suffering enough to really dig into your own mind stream so to see where all that suffering comes from emoticon 

Have you tried Noting Aloud?  (my favorite practice). If not try it out for an entire session and see how it feels emoticon you might be surprised! 

Best wishes! 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/9/20 3:07 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/9/20 3:07 PM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

Posts: 319 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
Thanks for the suggestion. I don't know if it has to be either that I'm not doing it right or not suffering enough. As I see it an hour a day just isn't really anything nearly as interesting as when doing 10. When I did do 10 hours a day on my retreat I was shooting through nanas and having interesting jhanic/rapturous experiences on the daily. Sure, some rapture here and there occurs now, but in any case it's still relatively boring.


Anyway, today I sat for the whole hour I had set my timer for and I plan to sit again before bed. 
I started out counting some breaths, but as that had been "too easy" lately I stopped and tried staying with the breath without counting for a while. When I felt my focus was stable and feeling slightly rapturous I switched to noting practice for the rest of the sit and tried to keep it simple and stick to just noting "rising, falling, sitting" plus whatever additional disturbances that would sweep over the screen as I went on.

I did feel some piti during which is a while ago and remember reading about it in Rob Burbeas book last night, something like just allowing whatever piti is there without trying to make it stronger. I usually do expect/desire piti to grow in strength and this suppresses it. But less today so that's something to work with.

I need to work on paying attention to my perceptual state in meditation as I would be able to log about this. I'll try and keep it in mind for my sit this evening and tomorrow morning.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/9/20 3:27 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/9/20 3:27 PM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

Posts: 2459 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
"Started meditating in 2015" 

Would you mind telling us more about why you started meditating? And also what do you expect to get from it? What is your main motivation? 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/9/20 3:44 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/9/20 3:44 PM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

Posts: 319 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
Sure emoticon Perhaps I'll get to that tomorrow. Right now I'm super tired and need to sleep.

I'll just throw in a short log about a short session I just did.


My practice just now was 30 minutes on the movement on the abdomen. Within minutes I get to a point where it feels like strong rapture is gonna sweep me away. But excitement and maybe a weak panic comes in and seems to prevent the rapture to continue growing in strength. I was feeling the rapture as a lightness in the body, a feeling of being a bit dreamy/distant, and then there was a pressure from behind my forehead. The meditation ended with me feeling very drowsy, dreamy and not very concentrated.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/10/20 3:16 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/10/20 3:16 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

Posts: 319 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
Morning meditation done, 60 minutes. And guess what? I can describe something phenomenological about it!

In the beginning I was just wavering around. Had a very dreamy night and my mind was fuzzy. I finally decided to just count my breaths to 100 and that created the stability I needed to note.

I noted "rising and falling" of the abdomen as is the usual standard. Then I incorporated noting feeling just head, hands, feet in between the notings of the breath. At first this is a very stocky experience and the notings were all clearly separated from one another.
However, after a while awareness sticks to the previously noted areas and I can feel head, hands, feet all at once while noting the breath.

I then used this new and more involving awareness as a new base and proceded to note any perceived changes in each of the felt areas, while continuing to note the rising and falling of the abdomen.

I started feeling slow vibrations in my head.. and maybe in my hands? Don't remember anymore..
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/10/20 3:35 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/10/20 3:35 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

Posts: 319 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
Your question about why I started meditating had me thinking.
You know, this stuff is supposed to eradicate suffering, so that one is suffering would be a good motivation for getting into this stuff.

However, when I started in 2015 I was simply utterly fascinated about insight. I had discovered "on my own" that thoughts just showed up in my head from nowhere. I even created my own little meditation to study it before I ever knew anything about "real" meditation.
Before this I had been totally identified with thoughts, so seeing that they weren't me made me extremely curious to find out what "I was".

Hah, I remember the initial insight I had made me feel high. People were asking for months if I had been smoking. But nope, just high on insight lol.

I was always suffering, I see that clearer the more I learn. But suffering wasn't previously my motivation for meditation, likely because I didn't really know. It's different now, however. I feel like I for the first time understood dukkha on my last retreat. To some degree, I figure there's much more to learn ofc. I strarted seeing the utter dissatisfaction from everything disappearing in every moment. I believe this is what made the depression that came after the retreat so strong.

(Rant) I mean, whew! Jumping off a tall building was really tempting. But still, I'd rather figure this shit out properly and not risk reincarnation as a pathetic little worm, in which case figuring out anything would likely be even more difficult. As I see it, the odd myth/belief about reincarnation is the only argument for not just killing ourselves if life isn't enjoyable. I don't know why I believe this reincarnation stuff, but various monks/enlightened wise guys seems to talk about reincarnation as if it was on the news last night, leaving me very confused about where the hell it comes from. I mean.. "there's no you...but you reincarnate..get it?" No, I sure as hell don't.

I meditate to reach stream entry. I am close now, relatively speaking, and it would be such a waste not to get it, or at least get closer to it, while the chance is here and conditions for practice are so close to ideal (don't have a job, just free to do whatever I please with 90+% of my time). As I see it, enlightenment is the only thing which can stop this never ending dissatisfaction, so I desire it! And even though its a tough journey, I still want to push myself to keep going. Even in times when motivation is low. 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/10/20 3:50 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/10/20 3:50 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

Posts: 319 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
OK, one more little logging about todays sit! I wanna get more articulate and detailed about logging, so while I remember let me just add something to previous sit to get in the practice...

Initially, when I counted breaths, I was feeling weak rapture and piti coming over me. I remember reading in Polly "Esters" practice log that she noticed a different feeling of.. I think it was piti, when she moved her eyes around (still with closed eyes I think).
I did the same to see if I could feel a difference in my own sense of piti/rapture, and I could!

Looking slightly upwards and to the left the sense of piti and bodily rapture seemed to wanna grow. Then I looked to the right and the pull of the rapture seemed to go away. I then looked back and it came back on.

Also, when looking to this left side where the rapture seemed to live I could see some colors. Mostly beige and sometimes a little purple. Perhaps these slightly fixed backgrounds are what can attract a samadhi type / jhanic quality?
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/10/20 5:21 AM
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Thank you for answering my questions emoticon I always enjoy reading about how and what prompted people to pursue insight meditation. 

In my case it was suffering, that never ending struggle. 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/11/20 3:56 AM
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I meditated last night before going to bed. Aimed for 30 minutes but couldn't do it due to an extreme case of fatigue. I had tried my gf's CBD drops for sleep and whew!.. hard not to sleep after having taken that. Good for her.

On a non-practice note, I have woken up two days in a row feeling a weak sense of depression and hopelessness. The same kind of feeling which taunted me for weeks after my recent 10 day retreat. The morning meditation session is hard to get to, but once I do I feel fine. Lucky for me I don't have to glare miserably into the space in front of me anymore. Yay lol.

This morning's 60 minute meditation was good in terms of concentration, curiosity and engagement with the practice. Best in a long time actually.
Started out counting 100 breaths and proceded to note.

Today I tried to keep track of what distracted me during meditation. The distractions consisted of: First, a dude I know named Karl. I wanted to tell him some hard truths. Then there was a Ted talk, some ideas for music production, a business idea, some workout exercise I wanna try later, and then a few ones I don't remember. Most of these came in the last 20-30 minutes of the 60 minute meditation I would say...

An interesting thing happened as a result of paying closer attention to what gets me distracted: I noticed how such distractions/thoughts can have a pull and element of identification. But a moment later they have vanished entirely and are hard to even remember what was about. This pointed to the fact that while distractions take place, my body and my meditation dissappeared. Therefore I saw both the impermanence of thoughts as distractions and my very "solid" body during undistracted meditation. I felt like seeing this had a way of losening up my awareness a bit.

I felt that all which separated me from vanishing out into nothingness/everythingness was a thin paper veil. I have felt this feeling it "it" being super close many many times now. I wonder if its just expectations based on false ideas about what's supposed to happen, or if indeed something is really close.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/11/20 4:00 AM
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Oh, on a last note...

I felt very equanimous during this mornings sit. I had some pains, some impateience and some other uncomfortable physical sensations show up. But once again I just pulled out my vipassanizer, looked the dukkha straight in the eye and went like anicca la vista, baby.

The dukkha dookhied in its pants and ran away.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/12/20 4:28 AM
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I meditated for 55 minutes last night. This is the most I've done in the evening for a long time. I think this is a result of an increase in motivation I've felt since I started this log and since I started reading Polly Esters log too. I even considered to go back and read Mahasi Sayadaws practice instructions again in case I missed something...

Today I didn't wake up feeling depressed, although a little hopeless. Again it goes away as soon as I get into the meditation. 

This morning I sat for 60 minutes. Let's see how much of it I can remember:
Started with counting 100 breaths. My attention wasn't on the rise and fall of my belly the whole time as a lot of distracting thoughts popped up. Some from my dreaming during the night. Interesting dream tho. There was a lovely dog which I played quite roughly with emoticon

I then took inspiration in what I'm currently reading in Polly's log. I'm sure I'm not doing exactly what she did then, but with inspiration I decided to focus more on my internal visuals. Last night I tried observing both the internal feels, sights and sounds. But I noticed, and recalled from earlier on, that especially the mental visuals are something which clearly change something for me when I start vipassanizing them. They are also something which I am bad at being mindful of. Whenever I get lost in thought, it's more visual than auditory or..what's that called - feelable? Tangible? Hmm..

It's like I can go for whole sessions noting feelings/touches that happen in my body without anything super interesting happening, nothing which feels like new progression. But getting into observing the internal visuals (mostly dream like images) it's like I'm finally observing something which was in the background all along and which has a sense of self attached to it; a sense of self which obviously is investigated closer in this way.

What I do is I always maintain a base-level awareness of the breath and as much of the body as I can all at once. Then, by paying attention to what imagery comes up in my mind, I notice some interesting things: Sometimes it's like a glip occurs. I think it's the glip which happens when our attention shifts dimensions/senses, but because I am now paying attention to the senses between which my attention goes, I can finally start seeing the transition phase. Or rather, lack of it. It is like a glip and I can't make out if anything is in between or not.

Along with this glip happens a dissolving of a bit of this self-feeling. When I simultaneously hold awareness of the body it's as if I become thinner/lighter.. More dissolved?
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/12/20 4:36 AM
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Another thing!
Reading Polly's log makes me realize that there's a lot of things I'm not usually paying attention to. Now when I meditate I'm thinking at least a couple of times "What's actually going on right now?".

I noticed, to my surprise, that I was feeling something resemblant of anxious! I didn't know. The feeling felt so normal and just like a normal meditation, I didn't even notice that it was so strong. 

I read in Polly's log how she notices pain/nausea and other uncomfortable things - and then they turn into piti!

The same thing happened for me with my feeling of anxiety and a little later on, with nausea. The piti was very weak, but never the less it was strong enough to make one of those "involuntary" smiles on my face.

Shout out to Polly for logging everything in so much detail. It really is inspiring and serves to remind and teach as well! #Gratitute!
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/12/20 4:59 PM
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Just finished 35 ish minutes of meditaiton on the breath as a samatha type exercise. Just followed the rise and fall of my belly.

At some point the piti just hit and I started laughing. When I thought I was done after a good belly chuckle, then came another one.. and another one. I was laughing for 1-2 minutes lol.

After this I had little flares of intense piti too. A few of them were like little shots of bliss lasting only for perhaps 1/10th second or at least nowhere near a whole second. Weird.

Also some insight stuff happened.
I had a distracting thought come up. I don't remember what it was but it was "very important" lol. Like my mind really wanted me to keep entertaining it. But hell nah bætch. I saw the empty nature of the pull and the contents of the thought and right now I can't recall if that might have been what actually trickered the laughing. Maybe it was.

Anywho I remembered to also see the piti and the laughing as empty and this brought me into a very chill type of rapture.

Actually...ahh! I'm losing the memory. But I do remember thinking that I've never felt this kind of rapture before. Oh yes, there it is.
I had a visual sensation going on with every out breath, it seemed sort of as if I was being pulled into the darkness and when I did bright rings of light were kind of expanding as if I were moving into them and they were passing me.

With every breath out this happened but after a while I ended up in something I don't know if I can describe too much of. It was a bit more distant and vague and the rapture not as strong. My concentration also dropped off and everything was a bit dreamy I think, although with few visuals and noone I remember.

Ahh, this was nice. A good, interesting meditation as a little reward that I have been upping my intensity, intention and over all engagement with practice lately. 

See you in the morn, self
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/13/20 2:08 AM
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This morning's meditation was only about 35 minutes as I have some stuff coming up and I'd rather have time for a cup of coffee before going.
Anyway...

Was a little affected going into the night, by the stronger jhanic/rapturous experience from last night. Going to bed I was jittery, as was I in my meditation this morning, and my dreams were a bit more...rapturous? Hehe, no that's not the right way to say it. They were a little crazy but with a higher than usual level of awareness. In one dream I was at a job interview and got the job, in another dream my gf's cousin was a little demon child. But a really cute little demon child, so I didn't mind lol.

This meditation was full of thought distractions, but I had some interesting ways of seeing through their emtiness.
One example that I remember, was that I noted something like "thinking" or "mind chatter", don't remember exactly what it was. Then my talking mind turnt into some fat five year old kid who was doing the talking, rather than "me". I forgot what he said. Point is, the thought wasn't me and it took it a bit strangely that I spotted it.
Then there was the same kinda incident where I spotted the no me in a thought and then it started saying something like "yeah, but I have a danish passport" as if that would justify that it was me. Geez..

Several times during the sit I saw a purple dot which grew in brightness, intensity and size when I focused on it.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/13/20 4:01 AM
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I would be interested in reading more about Body Sensations emoticon do you notice/note any and how would you describe them. Im sure Jhana stuff is cool and feeling great but body sensations really are important in this insight work emoticon 

There are those of us who are dying to read about "itchy spots growing stronger and very sharp or else, and vibrations and numbness in limbs etc" emoticon Just for our sake include a few of those during the sit emoticonemoticon 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/13/20 5:30 AM
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Alright papa! Thanks for the tips emoticon 
I realize that I've probably neglected body part details a bit. I think I've unintentionally gotten used to finding them boring although as I'm writing this I realize that I should of course pay attention to any and all sensations. 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/13/20 10:30 AM
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I just did 30 minutes on the breath, but tried to keep some focus also on other bodily sensations.
Damn, it's difficult to articulate what's going on and how it changes, but here's what I remember:

- Hands are quickly feeling very puffy, almost like wearing a warm glove except that the glove is my hand. Later on it felt sorta prickly on the surface, almost resembling ants crawling over it but not quite. The pricks were warm and comfortable, not in many ways not like ants at all. I just don't know how else to describe this fine dotted sensation.

-  Face and skull except the back of the head all felt like there was a pressure from within.
This pressure losened up a bit into the meditation.
I'm sometimes not sure if what I feel in certain areas could be called "vibrations" or not. Perhaps I think it resembles more a feeling of static on a screen rather than vibrations. Or like very fine and warm rain landing on my skin. Does this count as vibrations?

- Perhaps halfway in my eyes started glipping, as if I was blinking. My eyes were closed so it was kinda like trying to blink with closed eyes. I couldn't control it. I would guess I blinked like this 100 times or so before it stopped, after a minute or two. Feeling this happening on its own made me giggle.

- I took quite a lot of rounds going from sensing the face, hands, feet while keeping awareness on the breath.
It happened 3 or more times that I kinda glitched, for just a tenth of a second or shorter, barely long enough to notice it.
First time it felt sort of as if my whole system went "rrrum!" and then took a second or so to come back to where I was.
Second time it felt and sounded a lot like plucking in a jack stick to a set of speakers that are already turnt up. "Krh" like sound, with the same effect of kinda glitching the whole system.
Third time I don't remember, but something similar happened a third time I thinks. 


Oh, quite interesting that I could actually write all of this hah. I'll try again later emoticon
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/13/20 5:00 PM
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Finished the night off with another 30 minute sit.
Feel like I have nothing to report, but let's see what I can dig out...

I was initially intending to just focus on the breath, practice some concentration. I felt like I couldn't follow the breath very well tho and therefore switched to noticing my distractions.

... and bodily sensations of course.
I was trying to get to the bottom of the question I asked earlier - is "vibrations" what I feel in my hands/head/feet when it feels like there's static noise (like TV static) in these areas? Is this what is meant by "vibrations"? I think so...

At first I noticed the pressure inside my head, similar to when I meditated earlier today.

After about ten minutes in I felt a bodily rapture. Very difficult to describe, but my body felt a little misplaced. Yeah, that's as close as I can get.
It felt nice and I giggled quite a bit.
A funny thought came up about a "novel" that's like 60 seconds long to read and had the weirdest plot. Too stupid to give any more attention.

I remember staying with a sharp pain in one of my hands and arms. I noticed the pain and the reaction of tension it caused in my head. I also noticed a sense of aversion, although I couldn't find out where this was located.

I heard very "real" sounding music, I like when this happens. It was 80's rock typa music. 

Hmm.. looking forward for another try tomorrow morning. Night DhOrks <3
Martin, modified 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 1:20 AM
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Emil Jensen:
 anicca la vista, baby.




Excellent!
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 2:08 AM
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Just a little 30 minute morning sit today as I have stuff to do, yo. Thinking that I like these 30-45 minute sits more than the 1-hour, so I'll try to get a few in during day time today.

I spent at least half of the time trying to settle in to the meditation. Today I had stronger distractions of an uncomfortable conversation I may have to have with someone soon. Anywho, after counting 100 breaths I had de-distracted myself enough to start scanning my body.

A very loose meditation it was. I wasn't noting the rise and fall of the belly, but just silently staying aware of its movements.

While keeping this awareness, in the body I was trying to clarify how much of it is actually a gray area for me.

I can most easily feel my hands, head, feet and the touch from underneath me. And I can scan other parts of the body while keeping awareness of these areas which has this effect of opening me up to become more spaceous.

The rest of the body takes varying degrees of effort for me to be able to sense. On the whole torso, I can most easily feel the touch of my clothes. My lower back has a pain which I've had for 2.5 years and I can feel that too. I've learned to abstract from this, but tuning into it I can see that it's made up of a pressure of sorts. It's pain, but it's not really uncomfortable.

Since Papa's comment I've been trying to focus more on bodily sensations. Which means that I could very clearly see the difference in todays sit when I went on to notice the mental images playing on my screen, which I did for perhaps the last 2-3 minutes. Sensing the body is like tough work, not really doing much of a noticeable difference to my state (I know that's not the point either), but tuning into the mental images I almost immediately start to vanish. I watch the images arise in super short bursts that appear pretty much as soon as they dissappear again. This really has a way of wiping a lot of the "me" feeling away instantly...

Like I wrote in parenthases, my state/feeling is of course not the point. However, I do have some inclination towards thinking that I need more work on mental imagery rather than bodily sensations, due to this immediate annata-licious response.

However...! A lot of my body is kinda gray, only sensed when I really sustain a held awareness of the area. Even some areas I cannot sense except on "good days". Is this a problem? And if so, what to do about it?

The other day I failed to log this, but during my more samatha type jhana ride, I felt my body a whole lot. It was as if every single part of my body became feel-able. Do I just need more concentration? 
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 3:16 AM
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" I spent at least half of the time trying to settle in to the meditation. Today I had stronger distractions of an uncomfortable conversation I may have to have with someone soon. Anywho, after counting 100 breaths I had de-distracted myself enough to start scanning my body."

Some here might think wasting half of sitting time to settle in is a good thing emoticon I don't think so. If I start with freestyle noting aloud 1 sensation per second then the settling in is immediate and when I state that my meditation was 45 minutes then it really was 45 minutes of practicing in paying attention to matter of fact phenomena at least 1 sensation per second throughout the entire 45 minutes sit. 

But that's me emoticon 

However I don't think you need more concentration. You might need more matter of fact paying attention aka noticing/ better yet NOTIN at least 1 sensation per second. Or at least 1 sensatio every 2 seconds which is very doable. 

Best wishes and ma
y practice well! 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 4:57 AM
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You're pointing towards something..
"Settling in" for me may be based on a misunderstanding of sorts.
Because what I mean by that is by no means that I am trying to get to a point where I can note something every second. I can always do that, I think... At least I could right away this morning when I was "settling in".

So what I mean by "settling in", is I'm waiting to sort of descent into what I happen to think of as a "meditative state". This means increased spaceousness and attention to smaller changes. In this kind of state the different bodily sensations that I'm aware of are so many that I just get tensed up by attempting to follow all of them individually by noting them.

Are you suggesting that it's a better start noting immediately? How about my 100 breath counting strategy? Seems to be a fairly simple and quick get-in-the-zone kinda move...

Thanks again, for your involvement in here emoticon
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 5:14 AM
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"Are you suggesting that it's a better start noting immediately? How about my 100 breath counting strategy? Seems to be a fairly simple and quick get-in-the-zone kinda move..."

I'm suggesting to try it out and see which one seems to waste least of your valuable sitting time. It that be the 100 breaths then that's what you go with. 

Im sharing my experience and found that noting aloud straight off the bat is what brings energy and concentration up very fast. Not all folks are the same and what works for me might not work for you. Test and see. Always good to have a few tools to try out. 

George S, modified 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 5:39 AM
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Emil Jensen:

(Rant) I mean, whew! Jumping off a tall building was really tempting. But still, I'd rather figure this shit out properly and not risk reincarnation as a pathetic little worm, in which case figuring out anything would likely be even more difficult. As I see it, the odd myth/belief about reincarnation is the only argument for not just killing ourselves if life isn't enjoyable. I don't know why I believe this reincarnation stuff, but various monks/enlightened wise guys seems to talk about reincarnation as if it was on the news last night, leaving me very confused about where the hell it comes from. I mean.. "there's no you...but you reincarnate..get it?" No, I sure as hell don't.

Yeah reincarnation is at best a joke and at worst a cynical fundraising ploy. Check out dependent origination if you want to understand what "rebirth" really means. Bhikkhu Buddhadasa Practical Dependent Origination is good, p72-79:


To  explain  paṭiccasamuppāda  in  a  way  that  it  covers  three lifetimes  is  wrong.  It  is  not  according  to  the  principles  of  the  Pāli scriptures.  It  is  wrong  both  according  to  the  letter  and  the  spirit  of the scriptures.

According  to  the  letter  of  the  scriptures,  in  the  passage  quoted above  regarding  the  Buddha’s  discovery  of  paṭiccasamuppāda  just before  his  enlightenment,  the  Buddha  spoke  of  dependent origination  without  sticking  anything  in  or  adding  anything  in between,  as  you  have  read.  Dependent  origination  starts  with ignorance  and  goes  on  to  suffering  with  nothing  indiscriminately mixed  in.  To  add  anything  is  to  make  it  contrary  to  the  letter  of  the principle.

If  we  look  at  it  in  light  of  the  spirit  of  the  teaching,  we  will  easily see  that  the  teaching  under  consideration  is  wrong.  The  Buddha delivered  his  teaching  on  dependent  origination  in  order  to  destroy wrong views  and  in  order  to destroy  attachment  to the  ‘self,’  beings, and  persons.  So  it  is  that  there  is  a  continuous  series  of  eleven conditions  wherein  no  ‘self,’  no  ‘I’  can  be found.

Now  there  are  some  people  who  explain  it  anew  by  saying paṭiccasamuppāda covers three lifetimes  –  births  –  connected by the same  person.  A  person’s  defilements  in  a  past  birth  cause  karmic results  to  arise  in  this  birth  at  some  point.  There  are  karmic  results in  this  life  which  cause  new  defilements  in  this  birth  and  give rise  to karmic  results  in  a future  life.

When  paṭiccasamuppāda  is  taught  in  that  way,  it  becomes  a teaching  of  a  ‘self,’  soul,  being,  or  person  which  whirls  about  in  the maelstrom of existence, just as in the wrong view of Bhikkhu Sāti, the fisherman’s  son.  But  the  Buddha clearly  taught  about  the  absence  of ‘self’  by  means of paṭiccasamuppāda; to teach that paṭiccasamuppāda covers  three  lives  is  to  undo  the  Buddha’s  teaching  and  teach  that there is  a  ‘self.’
George S, modified 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 5:44 AM
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Enjoying your log and your sense of humor by the way emoticon
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 9:16 AM
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I guess I am still brainwashed to kinda believe in it. I really dislike it.

On the other hand, I can also make arguments for life being super precious and something to really make the best of while it's there. In that case, fear of being born into a hell realm.. or north korea or something like that.. then serves a useful purpose of keeping me off rooftops in times where I wanna go.

Hey thanks for the comment. Don't understand too much of the text you put down. I don't know Buddhadasa, but seems he basically says the something like "Buddha be said there no u, so thinkin' reincarnation happens be dumb".

It baffles me, like really gives me a good ol' mind-boggle head ache, to try to fathom why it is that enlightened dudes would talk about reincarnation. Like.. they wouldn't lie, would they? If so, what for? And if it is that they don't really know, why would they talk about something they merely believe in? To keep people off rooftops? Arghghhh emoticon

Haha, rant wasn't over I guess :p
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 9:17 AM
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Papa Che Dusko:

Alright, point taken. I'll get into experimenting with what's a good start emoticon
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 10:38 AM
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"Like.. they wouldn't lie, would they? If so, what for? And if it is that they don't really know, why would they talk about something they merely believe in? To keep people off rooftops?"

Mind seems to be a very pliable phenomena and if you keep hearing dhamma talks about rebirth as Tibetans do then by the time you have "awakened" you will have conditioned it into such modes of seeing the world. Realms and Elves emoticon 

Maybe they talk about it because they too were conditioned to think in that mode or they simply might be afraid of death being the END emoticon 

In meditation "things" can pop out like visions of creatures. In Zen all is considered Makyo and students are not encouraged to engage with it. Even if they see the Buddha one is to kill the Buddha. In Tibetan Buddhism these visions are respect much more it seems but I wouldn't know much about it. This attitude will condition the mind especially if you pay homage to such beings every single day emoticon 

Who is right and who is wrong??? I don't know emoticon I go with what Buddha did when in doubt; touch the earth "the earth is my witness", meaning I can only know what is arising RIGHT NOW without adding extra hats onto the arisen experience. And experiences pass so fast hence no time to waste in self-validation (which again is but an experience to be seen/known). Who is right who is wrong? I don't know! But I can know what is happening right NOW! The way of Satipatthana emoticon 

Best wishes to you mate! 
George S, modified 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 1:14 PM
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Emil Jensen:

It baffles me, like really gives me a good ol' mind-boggle head ache, to try to fathom why it is that enlightened dudes would talk about reincarnation. Like.. they wouldn't lie, would they? If so, what for? And if it is that they don't really know, why would they talk about something they merely believe in? To keep people off rooftops? Arghghhh emoticon

It's simple economics really. Buddhist monastics have a cashflow problem - they don’t produce anything that anyone really wants! People only think that they want to become enlightened until they find out that they won’t be around to enjoy it. Telling your customers they don’t really exist is hardly a sound marketing strategy is it? emoticon

Fortunately the Buddha’s teachings also contain the solution to their problem – people are primarily motivated by fear and greed. To monetize greed you need to sell a sexy version of personal enlightenment, which is what flashy gurus do. Theravada is obviously not selling the sexy version of enlightenment – they tax people’s fears instead. The biggest fear most people have is ceasing to exist after death. The obvious solution is to tell them they will be reincarnated according to their karma and sell them a karma upgrade for donations. Bingo – problem solved. emoticon

The Christian church is even more ingenious, they wrap both solutions in a single package – greed and fear, heaven and hell. This is why the Christian church is more profitable and has bigger buildings, fancier robes etc. emoticon
Sam Gentile, modified 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 1:15 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 1:15 PM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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agnostic:
Emil Jensen:

It baffles me, like really gives me a good ol' mind-boggle head ache, to try to fathom why it is that enlightened dudes would talk about reincarnation. Like.. they wouldn't lie, would they? If so, what for? And if it is that they don't really know, why would they talk about something they merely believe in? To keep people off rooftops? Arghghhh emoticon

It's simple economics really. Buddhist monastics have a cashflow problem - they don’t produce anything that anyone really wants! People only think that they want to become enlightened until they find out that they won’t be around to enjoy it. Telling your customers they don’t really exist is hardly a sound marketing strategy is it? emoticon

Fortunately the Buddha’s teachings also contain the solution to their problem – people are primarily motivated by fear and greed. To monetize greed you need to sell a sexy version of personal enlightenment, which is what flashy gurus do. Theravada is obviously not selling the sexy version of enlightenment – they tax people’s fears instead. The biggest fear most people have is ceasing to exist after death. The obvious solution is to tell them they will be reincarnated according to their karma and sell them a karma upgrade in the form of donations. Bingo – problem solved. emoticon

The Christian church is even more ingenious, they wrap both solutions in a single package – greed and fear, heaven and hell. This is why the Christian church is more profitable and has bigger buildings, fancier robes etc. emoticon
I guess I don't have that cynical view that you and Papa Che have that its aout economics. Reincarnation is right in  the Pali scriptures, The thervada. There also have been scientiifc experiments proving it. Of course, I have been trained in the Tibetan sytem of the bardos where this is a whole eloborate system around transition of the mind from one body to another. I believe it.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 1:45 PM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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I dont think I have that cynical economics view Sam emoticon I was simply stating that if you keep hearing daily about certain doctrine while meditating and awakening there will be an inprint on the mind. Tibetans are known for their depth of meditative Experience and make a great deal out of it. Thats ok with me. I just prefer the simple Kenneth Folk take that Experience IS Experience no matter it be a perception of an annoying itch or a pleasant rainbow body emoticon 

If you ask me I would rather have people on this planet believeing in rebirth/reincarnation than in constant monetary growth. 

I personally dont know if there is anyhting after death. Maybe yes, maybe no, maybe yes-no. emoticon As far as I can see so far I can only be sure of what is happening right now and even that is unfolding very fats to know how exactly it unfolds. We can track for a bit and see that one is cause and the other effect which in turn becomes the cause for another effects etc etc etc ... 

Even writing all this stuff is unfodling on its own an originating from something that has long passed away. It seems to me that this phenomenal micro tracking becomes impossible for life off cushion and there is no other way but to sit back and enjoy the ride, bumpy or pleasant as it sure seems to be in flux emoticon This can feel overwhelming and rollercoaster like but just is the way it is emoticon 

Another thing that "seems" is that nothing is outside the law of Anicca in consciousness and if indeed there is some consciousness after death then we could be assured even that will be subject to Anicca. So what can we do about this? The only thing I can see to be of any benefit of reducing clinging hence creating Dukkha is to be mindful without laps (or as little as possible). This way all is seen as objects (not a subject), hence not-self, impermanent and unsatifactory. During pre-path there can be a false perception that there is a Knower-Watcher-Witness but I find post-path this to turn into just a knowing-watching-witnessing. What Im trying to say is that this POI stuff sure does something to this perception of Self. 

Ok, I just realised that I have written way too much emoticon Gotta relax and get some sleep. This is the last week at this tiering job of mine. From now on seeking jobs with less working days/hours, less money but more time and energy for my family and practice too emoticon 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 2:16 PM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Sam Gentile: "There also have been scientiifc experiments proving it."

What do you mean with scientific experiments "proving" it? I'm curious, yet utterly sure that "proof" certainly must be an over statement.

As I said I tend to believe in reincarnation myself. I just know that I have zero foundation to support the belief.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/14/20 2:17 PM
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Get some sleep Papa D, and come back with more interesting comments and suggestions emoticon
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/15/20 4:08 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Logging about last nights 30 minute meditation and this morning's 60 minute. 

(I thought about what Papa suggested earlier, about getting right into it. I think I value samatha practice as well, which means that counting 100 breaths or similar start to my meditation is something I wanna hold on to. I tried yesterday to just get into the noting right away, but it didn't feel right. It feels like it's nice to "settle in", but by practicing concentration and also relaxing a bit. Anywho, I'll probably continue to experiment a bit.)

Yesterday and today I've felt that I don't know how to meditate at all. Yesterday probably because I was tired, I don't even know what to say about it. I ended up driftin and almost falling asleep on the cushion.

Today I sat for 60 minutes, but was confused about what I was supposed to do :p Haha, even though noting is the simplest thing in the world and I've spent countless hours doing it. Silly. Anyway, it made my meditation real chaotic.

I started by counting 100 breaths and relaxing myself.

By the end of the 100 breaths I couldn't help but consider the inhability of "me" into the phenomena I observed. (I guess this pertains to the truth of dukkha, and I remember reading something in Mahasi Sayadaws' manual about how to observe dukkha.) Anywho, looking at this made me feel fear/anxiety. It didn't bother me one bit, but I examined it: Where the fear was located, how it felt, what it felt like in each area.

(I actually see this objective investigation of fear as one of my pre-enlightenment super powers, as I have done it prior to exams, presentations and other scary incidents. It makes fear not scary.)

Then I noted!
And very soon I tried to speed up the noting as much as I could muster. I normally note rising/falling on the breath, and in the body I note either "feel" or "touch". I also note "seeing" if an image pops up and "hearing" if sound comes up. But today I made it a little simpler by noting anything which wasn't breath by just "beep". This made me go to a noting pace of 2-4 notes per second, some seconds certainly more.

Someway in I got bored by this as it felt hectic and I didn't feel like it made me see anything better. For some reason I decided to switch to more of a Goenka style. I would still note the breath rising and falling, but not note the body scanning which I was now being a bit more meticulous about. In noting I don't really get into the gray areas and try to open them up, but I did here by resting my attention in each gray area for a little while before moving on.

I noticed that mental images is obstructing my sensing of the body. I use it to "search" for the body part by creating an image of it in my mind, and perhaps this works, idk. But it also takes away focus from the subtle bodily sensations. So I note "seeing" when this happens, and then most often the image goes away immediately and I can feel my body better.

Hands and head still feel prickly/lightly vibratory. Much of my body felt exceptionally solid today.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/15/20 11:58 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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emoticon no reason to do stuff that's not of interest to you. It's important to find the practice interesting and you seem to have your own way to do it. Keep it up. emoticon 

Im just keeping you company here in hope someone joins your journey who is more resonating with you. I'm sure such a person of benefit will appear rather sooner than later emoticon 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/15/20 3:26 PM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Hey Papa D, I'm glad you're keeping me company here emoticon It gets lonely for me up in here.

Tonight's sit, 35 minutes:
I'm still in a weird place. Meditation does not feel like "proper" meditation. I also get weirdly tired and spacey and have trouble focusing. Just a few days ago I was having rapturous concentration meditations, now I can't even stay with noting for more than what seems like a couple of minutes at most. I then have to drag myself out of a syruppy mind fog. Does this smell like a dissolution nana or something? Nah, maybe I just need more vitamin D. Or milk..

I started trying to gain focus by counting breaths to 100 and then back again to 0. I did feel more focused but what still experiencing the mind fog I mention above.

I have a real hard time saying anything about the sensations I do note. I can fairly easily note that random sensations which enter my awareness occur, when I stay with the breath as a base, at a rate of 2-5 notes per second. But what I note seems hard to see properly, as if there's fog around it.

I have a strong resistance to keep noting, but managed to note the resistance as it showed up. Then it just sort of faded to the back ground and I kept noting while feeling a bit resistant towards it.

In the end I was just feeling like falling asleep.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/15/20 4:20 PM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Anything we experience can be investigated y paying attention to it, noticing it. But what is there to be noticed? Body sensations, feeling tone (pleasant, neutral, unpleasant) and mind states (worry, curiosity, desire, doubt, imagining, anticipation, dullness, fogginess, joy, bliss, happiness, sadness, self pity, lost, fear, misery, disgust, urge, ...) All these can be contacted. You don't go around searching for body sensations if there is Boredom emoticon What you want is contacting exacrltly that which has arisen; Boredom emoticon how does it feel? Unpleasant. What else is there in that boredom? In that dullness? In that resistance to noting? Is it pleasant? No! What then? The very thing to be noted is already there. It's dominating the awareness emoticon It might not be the thing we want but it Is right here, right now. Watch it do stuff. THAT is insight practice. No reason to contemplate the observed but just simply note what is in awareness, whatever shape or form that might be. Yes, boredom, dullness, resistance, uncertainty emoticon all these can be contacted and clearly comprehend emoticon Awakening at its best! emoticon 

Btw, speed noting takes so much of you attention that the mind can't get sidetracked into "thinking about practice" and instead just knowing the mind flow as is without the expectations (well this is also a mind state to be noted). 

If you want I can show you a video of me practicing freestyle noting aloud to give you an idea how that looks like. Unless you are more inclined towards Jhanas or Calm-abiding which is also a valid practice. 

It seems to me your practice is not yet on Fire emoticon you need to light it up emoticon I'm sure you will find what suits you best! 

Best wishes! 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/16/20 3:33 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Hey man, thanks again for the comment. You're right! I should be investigating boredom haha.
I think what you're suggesting here is something like what helped me along in today's sit. I experienced again being completely dull/foggy, but forced myself to keep up with noting whatever took place. This energized me.

Also, I would like to hear/see what it's like when you note aloud. Show ahead video emoticon


Today's 60 minute sit:
Again I started with counting 100 breaths. And again today I felt like my mind was foggy. But today I pushed through it and felt that I came out on the other side somehow.

I have a tendency to tense up a bit when noting because I'm "looking for something" and kinda straining myself to do that. Whenever I notice this, I of course note it, and that usually helps the tension.
But today I stopped doing what tenses me up, and simply noted slower. Turned out to be not too much slower, still at 1-3 notings per second, but with less tension/stress which allowed me to see better and keep going more consistently.

Today the sensations I felt opened up a bit and felt less solid. Especially in my chest which normally feels as solid as.. idk, cheese?
Also in the areas that are usually light and vibratory, my hands and face, there was an expansion of sorts. The light vibrations covered a bigger area, so my arms, neck and shoulders were now also included. 

Something a bit new happened: I felt little, itchy points various places on my body. Lots of them. I must have noted dozens of very isolated, small pricks of itchyness. Sometimes they were there simultaneously in different areas, and sometimes they showed up in sequence. 

Twice during the sit I was seeing a purple disk/dot in front of me. It had a red background the second time.


A consideration:
I wrote yesterday too, about the effect of having a mental image of "me", or body parts as I meditate. Today I also investigated what happened if I try to be aware of the imagery, and note it, while noting the bodily sensations. It seems that this helps to, sort of, "separate" these two types of phenomena and help me see the bodily sensations more clearly. It also makes each type, the visual and the sensual, more obviously empty.

Emptiness struck me a bit today, like "wow", when I observed mental imagery. Like.. so damn empty! 
"Separating" the mental imagery and bodily sensations made this emptiness a bit clearer in the bodily sensations as well, but the visuals the most! Those are.. really empty! Hah
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/16/20 2:33 PM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Thats good stuff; sensing a body part and then noticing a mind image impression of it emoticon Nice one!

Prickly body stuff also great. All that talk about "emptiness" not that great, however noting this as "wishful thinking or pondering" would be more interesteing emoticon maybe there are those who think that being cool talk but not me emoticon its not that you should listen to me of course! 

All that stuff/insight about 3 characteristics will arise on its own. No reason to ponder during practice. All we need to do is pay attention to the matter of fact experience unfolding. If we do it 1-5 sensations a second for the duration of the sit we are on the right track. Noting body sensation, feeling tones associtated with those and mind states is the name of the game as far as I see it. (I might be very wrong of course).

Yes emoticon faster noting does energize the sit and if you go more into it (like do it daily for a few months) then it will also aid in right concentartion (the one that arises from a mind being gladdened by being in this very moment free from aflictions).

Here is a short vodeo showing how I do it with open eyes usually focused gently on a spot of sorts 2 meters in front of me and noting aloud. Curiosity about what is there in This moment ... by moment ... and saying it out loud for a more interesting engagement with arisings and passings. 
I do agree that its the most uncool looking and sounding of all practices on Earth emoticon but it targets what matters the most; THIS unfolding in all shape and form. That IS what awakening is anyway in my humble opinion so why not just do it aloud until it simply does/knows itself at some stage emoticon 

BTW, do not get hung up on the speed as in you need to note VERY fast. The noting speed will change on its own also and at times if resistance to practice arises one can SHOUT out aloud to get over that hindrance (which does pass away after a few minutes the most). Voice can go all from very loud, or very calm, to whispering and even silent. Go with what works I guess and what keeps you enagaged in the practice for the duration of minimum of 45 minutes. Best wishes!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FeajWRJcXA
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/17/20 4:16 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Funny to see that noting out loud :p True, it's not the sexiest practice, hah. But good to see. The tempo and way you note is similar to how I note, internally. Except you have a lot of "seeing", as your eyes are open, I mostly have "feeling". It's the first time I've seen/heard anyone else do the practice.


Yesterday I had two sits of 20-30 minutes in the evening. I felt aggitated and didn't wanna log it. Now I don't remember what happened.

For the past three sits I have just gotten right down to noting business and feel I successfully have pushed through this slumber that I've been in.

Today's sit was 60 minutes. I noted right away: "Rising, falling, feeling, feeling, itch, rising, feeling, itch, falling, touch, feeling..."
My note rate was to the higher side for me, and it was easy to note 2-4 things in between the rise and fall of the breath, without losing awareness of the breath which usually has a tendency to happen if I note in between rise and fall.

I know that I have a tendency to "look for" sensations. I know this isn't necessary as it's actually impossible to not experience sensations. No "looking" is needed. But I usually do anyway, right?

However, today I noted "looking", as well as "tension" or "stress" which tends to follow the looking as it has some frantic/stressful element to it.
This tension/stress I noted as mere emotional qualities, and since I kept on noting bodily sensations I also noted some of the bodily parts to it.

I noted tension around the eyes and inside my head. In most cases noting it means that the tension goes away immediately. However, the tension inside my head, towards the forehead, felt very solid. I got the impression that it may always be there, although not sensed unless I really tune in. 

As a result of noting the "looking" and also one or two "trying", I started feeling very tranquil. It was as if it made the meditation easier for me, as noting these things has its way of making them going away. So with less effort I was able to be better aware of more things at once. It was a much more involving, spaceous meditation with a better overlook over what went on.

As I first started noting this, a bit of fear showed up as a sort of anxious feel throughout my body and a hear which felt like it had to work a little harder.

It was tempting to stop noting and just abide in this pleasant spaceousness, but I forced my way through to the end, just noting as per protocol. Therefore...this was definitely a "good" meditation emoticon
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/17/20 4:12 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Oh, a funny thing happened during my sit described above.

I've been watching this 24episode count-down-to-christmas show from way back in the day. One guy plays like 10 characters, and these two guys in the images were the voices in my head as I noted. My own voice normally says "feeling, rising, falling" etc. But for quite a while Steward Stardust or Arne Nougatgren voiced these notings. Very pleasant experience emoticon

 



And while I'm at noting funny things. I also had a very clear "seeing through my eyelids" yesterday. 

See you later, log
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/17/20 5:11 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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"No "looking" is needed. But I usually do anyway, right?"

That act of looking for something is important. It's remembering/Sati. Hence very important part of noting. Then once you have contacted an object you Note it and sink more into it (SatiPa/Profound Mindfulness) if it lasts so to feel it's feeling tone and mind state, and so on. At times objects pass away as fast as they arise so there is no time to sink more into them. That too is cool and just noting that object is all we can do.

As long you are noting at least 1 matter of fact sensations per second you are doing it right. With stages and states changing so will the sensory clarity change. All is good emoticon 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/17/20 3:31 PM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Tonights sit, just short of an hour.

I started noting right away and noticed resistance to doing this. A few seconds later I had noted just fine despite my body trying to keep me from it, and the resistance went away.

I experimented a bit with my noting style and came across an angle I found helpful for noting more subtle sensations and which brought me into a bodily rapture which felt like I was lying down on the side inside my head...

What I did: After a while of noting as usual I had built up a continous awareness of much of the body and the breath. I changed my notes from "feeling, touch, itch, rising" etc, to just "note" for everything I perceived as a change, be it felt in the body, seen as a mental image or anything else.

Before this I had run into what I might normally call "boring" during practice and started to feel the drag of this boredom, calling for me to just space out and enter the haze. I think this happens because the background starts to feel like not much is happening. Of course there is stuff happening, but perhaps my mind gets so used to a certain type of sensations that they start to blur into a boring background??

OK, so stuff is of course always happening, but it seemed I needed to get on another level to see something else. I needed to go from a level where big and chunky sensations are found, like itches, irritation, or the movement of the abdomen, to a level where tiny little changes in the seemingly solid background actually took place. These changes are much more fine. They can be fine and prickly, or like a fluid morphing of an area.

Oh, I also at some point had vibrations in my throat. Or, I think it was in the throat.. And now I don't remember when anymore, I just recall that it happened. And felt a little like... like music in my throat maybe? With a very fast beat tho. 

Something else happened that I barely recall. I feel like I remember commenting on what happened as being sort of pulled into darknes.. Oh well, let's see if I recall later on. Do you remember, Diary? Sometimes I feel that you're the only one who gets me.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/18/20 3:08 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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That act of looking for something is important. It's remembering/Sati. Hence very important part of noting. Then once you have contacted an object you Note it and sink more into it

I think I may need some details on this emoticon
So what I meant by "looking" is perhaps more of "straining to find something to note", which is something I think is definitely not wanted in my meditation. So alright, "looking" is what we'll do!

But "sinking into it"? Can you make a concreet example?
We only have one second to sink into it, right? You know, before we have to have noted something else.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/18/20 3:22 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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60 minute sit this morning:

I tried to take off with the approach I used yesterday; I had a small, no tiny, epiphany of sorts about how to get into seeing more subtle details and this only partly worked for me today. Hence it was a very "boring" meditation, meaning that it was difficult for me to stay alert and energized.

I kept on noting regardless, only spacing out once about..hmm, was it a fantasy of sexual nature? I think it was.

My noting stayed at a more gross level, compared to last night. But I think something important has still happened for me, with regards to my mini-epiphany... Mixed in with the gross sensations are more subtler sensations than I usually note. These are sensations in areas of my body which are normally completely dark. Now I get mixed in light feelings resembling touch anywhere on my torso, which normally is the darkest.

I wanna write a bit more about my "tiny epiphany", cuz I'm trying to understand what I'm doing right and reflect..
The way I described it was that I had an easier time noting subtle things because I stopped noting with big and articulate words, such as feeling/touch/itch etc, and just went "beep" for anything. This tied up some mental space which was used for straining myself a bit, and allowed me to relax into a more focused awareness.

I think the key here is "relax", which I've been bad at lately. I think it's important to not waste energy straining, tensing, stressing and the like. This simply makes our mind rigid and insensitive. So what I've been doing is a lot of straining myself in order to note faster, more nuanced, more clearly. I realized that I can just relax and pay attention to what happens in a relaxed state, rather than in a state of struggle. To my surprise, "trying" less actually freed up some mental room and allowed for a more of all those things that I wanted. 
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/18/20 5:22 AM
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Emil Jensen:
That act of looking for something is important. It's remembering/Sati. Hence very important part of noting. Then once you have contacted an object you Note it and sink more into it

I think I may need some details on this emoticon
So what I meant by "looking" is perhaps more of "straining to find something to note", which is something I think is definitely not wanted in my meditation. So alright, "looking" is what we'll do!

But "sinking into it"? Can you make a concreet example?
We only have one second to sink into it, right? You know, before we have to have noted something else.

The "looking" seems to progress into a much "softer diffused non-contracted looking" down the path so to speak. Sure there can be strain when we are just getting into this but have faith and keep practicing as the general tendency is to get wider, softer, curious, welcoming, no matter what kind of sensation arises or passes away. 

The "sinking in" state/stage will also arise with consistent daily practice (twice a day minimum 45 minutes each sit). You will know when this stage arises. Practice, curiosity, acceptance. Include hindrances in this so you aren't wasting the precious sitting time on them. 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/18/20 5:38 AM
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Yeah, this makes sense to me, that it gets wider, softer, more curious, welcoming emoticon

Perhaps that's what's happening now, as I've done around that time daily for a little while now. Strongly intending to keep up at least two sits of 30-60 minutes daily going forward 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/19/20 3:11 AM
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Sat for an hour last night and 45 minutes this morning.

Yesterday it was past midnight and I seem to have completely overcome this sleepy/foggy state. I even slept for only 7 hours, which for a while would have been way too little. I woke up early yesterday too, which backs up this a bit. Something has happened to my energy levels, and I'm very sure its connected to my meditation which has gone through a small revolution lately.

I'll try to write about my two last meditation sessions in one:

I've stuck to the instant noting as soon as I start, rather than trying to gain some focus by counting breaths. I am up to 1-3 notes per second right off the bat.
Into the meditation I get up to more like 3-5 notes per second. I notice more details to things. Interestingly, the breath can provide quite a lot of different notings in and of itself: the rise/fall + hearing it + feeling it in all sorts of other places + seeing the mental visual representation of these things. 

I also feel more details all around my skin and even inside my body: On the skin I feel a lot more prickly stuff and can easier discern different sensations happening close by. In a single breath I can note 5-10 things in my face alone, clearly different from one another. Inside my body I have started to feel the bodily sensations to intentions and emotions. Intentions are like little pressure sensations in my head with a tension of muscles involved in whatever the intention asks for muscles to use. Emotions are now felt as soft pressures inside my chest and throat.

The major change in my meditation lately is in combination with this increase in details. I have realized that I have had a preference for what to note and this has limited me to noting what actually happens. Also, I've had expectations about what could be noted in my gray areas. For instance, in my dark hole of a chest I have been expecting to be able to pick up on sensations similar in feel to the ones in my face/hands and places that are more easy for me to feel. But they're different! I can see that now. In the chest it's... I can't explain it. It's a subtler feeling for sure, but it has a way different texture to it.

In the last 20 minutes or so of the meditation I got to a point where I usually plateau. This is what I've been trying to write about for the last few logs, what I've been saying makes me get "bored" and space out. What happens is that I start feeling "all" of the body at once: My hands, feet, face, chest, bummm, thighs. Starting up, when I don't feel everything at once I get "satisfied" in noting each different part. Now getting to this point where all is included, the base level of awareness is no longer of individual parts, but of "everything". This means that I usually sit there and wait for something to note because I wasn't used to noting what I could already feel. I was used to noting something when I noticed it, but here I already am noticing it!

So what did I do about it? I just noted it regardless of the fact that it wasn't a "new" sensation to note. So I have fewer notes at this point, because I note the breath rising and falling, and then I simply note "feel" for that whole body feeling sensation. After this I try to pay attention to whatever new sensations are still popping up. This is the new domain I can get to, since these are much subtler and happening all over the body; the little prickly sensations, the internal emotional/intentional feels. There are a lot of these, so I switched to simply noting the rise and fall of the breath and simply "note" for anything else.

In these subtler notings was also mental images and mental talk. These vanish as soon as they're called out for being just that!


Today I got into the deepest level of tranquility I've experienced since my retreat. I had a quick thought "is this low equanimity?" (Don't worry, I just noted it)
I felt that I was breathing into my hands which had a very soothing feel to it. And it was happening while I could feel my "entire" body which also had a calming/buzzing feel to it.

In this place I noticed some tension in my head and I think also somewhere in the body. It seemed as if this tension was holding me back from letting go. I got the sense that it was associated with a sense of self/agency. I just observed this tension for a while but it didn't go away completely. Then the 45 minute timer rang, so that's all you get for your 2 DhOllar$.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/19/20 4:16 AM
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Wow emoticon  2 DhO Dollars well spent! emoticon This last log is music at its finest emoticon 
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Year ago at 12/19/20 5:21 AM
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Hi Emil! Thank you for sharing this log, and your practice. I apologize for barging into the party late, but you can hear this place rocking from way down the street. I'm surprised the cops haven't showed up yet. When they do, I brought enough beer to keep them happy.

I can relate to this "plateau" at the deeper level. You're rightfully wary of latching onto characterizing it too definitively, but Niels has been in EQ since they invented meditation, on his practice log, and I'd suggest checking him out, as he has some interesting ways of approaching and characterizing some of what comes into play once you start suspecting that--- horrors--- equanimity might be considered. The great thing about equanimity is that most of what you do in it is letting go of a lot of stuff you always thought you had to do, and then being amazed that you haven't fucked everything up by not doing those things. 

It ain't broke, and I ain't here to fix it. Just wanted to say that this is a helluva party on a budget of 2 DhOllar$. Also, somebody spiked the punch bowl. But I think you knew that.

love, tim
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/20/20 2:44 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/19/20 11:19 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Welcome to the party, Tim!

Thanks for chiming in whenever you do. It definitely has a positive effect, to write things out for hundreds of people to see.
(There's a punch bowl? Ermm.. I don't know about that but I have a brew of ayahuasca going. Please be careful, but do enjoy the party).
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/20/20 5:29 AM
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Last night was very interesting! This is supposed to be more about phenomenology, so I won't bother going into details about all this weirdo stuff. I will, however, just log it as it definitely is related to practice:

- Meditated for an hour then meditated myself to sleep. Lots of interesting nimitta things going on before passing out. Swirly motions of purple and neon-green.
- Increase in (sexual) energy, and still strong
- Woke up at 5:40 and:
        Had my first ever veryconvincing auditory hallucination. I'm staying at my parents and I heard my mom come to my door and call my name. When I tried to answer, I had no voice. Turned out I wasn't awake-awake, but in sleep paralysis. I woke myself up fully and said "yes?". Then I realized it was just a hallucination.
- Started meditating myself back to sleep. It was too much of an effort at this point to note everything with words. Instead I was just pretty hyper attentive of changes going on.
- Entertaining visual stuff popped up again. This time lots of firework-type stuff going on. Sparks all over. Felt like there was spark in the whole damn bed room.
- Woke up and meditated again for about 50 minutes. Feel very calm and equanimous.
- EDIT: Just remembered: I had visions of super gnarly fear inducing things. One was a contorted and weirdly scary face of my mother (she looks very delightful irl). Another was of this worm-snake which looked exactly like my deepest night mare. It generated real fear which was hard to investigate phenomenologically. 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/20/20 3:10 AM
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The meditation last night and this morning, about 50-55 minutes each:

I note right away at 1-3 notes per second.
I get to the same point where I used to plateau: I can feel my "whole" body at once and start noting just the rise/fall of the breath and "note" for everything else. This gives this higher resolution and allows me to feel subtler things than before I discovered this little hack.

But OK, enough about all this old boring stuff that I learned daaays ago.

This, I think, is an important thing:

I've been able to note more phenomenology over "stuff" happening. For instance, all that sexual energy earlier, started just noting it as "horny". Haha, but! Then I went into each part of my body, the head, the hands, the transmission, all over, and noted "feel" whereever there was something visibly happening. "Horny" turns out to be pressure type sensations inside various body parts and seeing this made it fade quite quickly.

"Mind chatter" also was broken up into bits: Instead of calling it that, I investigated it further and broke it down into "seeing, feeling, hearing".

"I" which I sometimes use to note for whenever something has a very "me" feel to it, was also broken down into simply seeing, hearing, feeling. Braking this one down really made reality seem paper thin.


On another note, I feel very equanimous. In meditation this makes me feel like spacing out a little easier. Like, I just wanna day dream, man! Can't I just do that and have fun from this very satisfied state??

About this equanimity: I tried braking that down too! The equanimity-induced piti seemed to also just be pressure-type sensations in my body. This made the nice-ness, or the piti, of the equanimity go away and left is just a calm, chill kinda equanimity. Not pleasurable, not not-pleasurable either. I don't miss the piti. I might say that I don't think it's a pity that it's gone... emoticon
George S, modified 1 Year ago at 12/20/20 8:43 AM
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killin it emoticon
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Year ago at 12/20/20 11:50 PM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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emoticon 

Yeah. I think it owes something to the ayahuasca in the punch. 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/21/20 2:36 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Sat last night for 45 and this morning for 55 minutes:

I note right away everytime now, instead of starting with samatha practice/warmup. Today I did feel a pull towards some samatha practice. Maybe later.

I think practice is going good. If the definition is "noting something pertaining to reality 1-6 times per second", then I'm golden.
And in this case, not too much to say about how I practice. It's quite protocol-y I think.

Some notes on my psyche then:

A few days ago I was thinking in terms of equanimity. Now practice seems harder and I meet a lot of agitation. It's funny, cuz I don't think my practice actually is harder. I say this because I still can keep the noting pace and the level of detail of sensations has remained subtler than before my recent development. Today I even felt my heart in a way which I know has been inaccessible to my level of sensitivity before.

I try my best just to note these hindrances as accurately as I can. But a lot of the time I can't locate their bodily components. For instance, I know I may feel a little sad or torn up, so I note "emotion" if I can't actually break it up into what bodily sensations this emotion actually is made up of.

I seem to be at another barrier, created by all this resistance in the form of agitaion and other subtle negative emotions. They keep me from relaxing into this effortless and tranquil meditation which was here a few days ago. It seems there's a lot to be studied right outside the periphery of my current view.

I really have to give a little more effort than last week, and it seems to go at the barrier in the right way... Stay tuned!
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/22/20 2:52 AM
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Last night's meditation:
Almost 40 minutes on the cushion, then 30 minutes in the bed. Then I just fell asleep while meditating in bed for quite a while. All noting practice.

I paid attention for perhaps a few minutes to strong visions of this purple spot that expands and travels - seems to be in phase with the breath. The outbreath tends to make it bigger and sortof take off. With the inbreath a new purple spot is formed. Yesterday this had more detail, color and vibrancy than usual. The formation of the purple thing sometimes started with a sharper, almost head-light bright little spark and then morphed into what I described before. At one point a dark center was circled by this little spark with purple swirls around it.

I experimented with changing the color of the purple thing. I tried green and voila! 

General recap:
I have handicapped myself quite a bit from some back injury that I made a lot worse during yesterday's training. So lots of pain today to keep on tuning into while I'm figuring out how to live life without being physically active emoticon The good part is that it hurts quite bad so at least I'm entertained while I can't do anything.. and I have some easy notes lol. Maybe some good music will emerge. A new type of blues, perhaps.. purples?

I have an increased motivation for meditation, which feels very right/healthy. I had a strong feeling this morning that it's worth it even if it takes me 40 years to reach SE. I hope it will be more like 40 minutes in reality, but still.. I'll just keep on noting and see what the hell happens.

I get a lot of inspiration from Polly's log. I think I'm almost at the point in her 2nd log where she's about to reach SE, which excites me quite a bit. Remember on my retreat I thought that I was about to do it myself and my excitement was literally through the roof! I was about to run out the door and just knock on people's door just to hug them in celebration. Hahah! But nope! No SE for me lol. One day...one day, you DhOrks mark my words :p

60 minutes this morning

I noted as per usual, but a bit slower than what I've logged earlier. I think I could just do about 1-3 notes per second today.
In addition to the pain in my mid-back there's also a pain/stiffness that shows up in my upper back. This comes and goes depending on whether I'm meditating and has been for some weeks I think. I don't remember what Daniel wrote about this type of trap-pain in his book, but as I recall it's related to some nana..yes? No? Maybe I'll look it up but who cares. Just note, man!

Vibration type feelings seem not to be there! I rather feel light and slightly transparent.

I am still getting used to noting more accurately what is actually going on, rahter than having preferences to what ought to be going on. Some things are still going under my radar, just enough so that I notice that something's there, but also enough to not be noted accurately.

For instance, I tend to get caught in rationalizing thoughts a few times during my meditations. I discover this after some time between a few seconds and a minute I would guess.
Also, I take note of "trying" which is a certain feeling that I get when I can't bounce my attention around the body completely fluidly. I get this small strain of sorts and I've had it for so long, in so many sessions, without noting it. But noting it makes it release and drives my practice towards more ease/fludity/tranquility. It almost evades my note every time but I'm getting practice in calling it out.

I'm really happy that I have started noticing these more subtle inclinations towards wanting/clinging/trying/intending. It's a game changer for me. Another game changer is the note of "emotion" which is a bit of a vague note for an emotion, really. But noting it this way makes it seen and a lot of the time brings attention to the bodily components of the emotion. These are often in the throat and heart, which previously was a no-mans land for me. Feels really good to feel the heart!

Get showers of goose-bumbs which are very metta-y quite often. I like this love-stuff. Tastes good.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/22/20 12:48 PM
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"I'm really happy that I have started noticing these more subtle inclinations towards wanting/clinging/trying/intending. It's a game changer for me. Another game changer is the note of "emotion" which is a bit of a vague note for an emotion, really. But noting it this way makes it seen and a lot of the time brings attention to the bodily components of the emotion. These are often in the throat and heart, which previously was a no-mans land for me. "

Nice man emoticon joy to read this! This is, I guess, what ancient Greeks meant by "Know Thyself" emoticon We learn to read ourselves like an open book (the experiential sensate reality-unfolding) by doing this practice of Noting/Noticing/paying Attention/Being profoundly mindful.

Best wishes! emoticon 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/22/20 4:04 PM
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It is a joy indeed!

Hey man, thanks for the encouragement! Stay tuned for more emoticon
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/23/20 3:57 AM
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Had a few drinks last night which wasn't too good on my meditation session. I still had it, tho just for less than 30 minutes. I also meditated myself to sleep and for a bit when I woke up.
Now I just finished my 45 minute sit and I feel pretty much back on track.

I feel a bit more relaxed and spaceous today. Noting comes easy and even automatic at times.

I noted at various speeds, sometimes experimenting with slowing down to include more of the senses into my awareness. 
Especially "seeing" is difficult for me to keep awareness on. I played around with trying to keep awareness on the visuals of my actual eyes while noting, and experienced that it actually helped tune into keeping this awareness with mental images also.

Tuning into investigating visuals really seem to be impactful for my general experience. It seems as if that's the puzzle piece that's missing so to say.. That when I tune into the visuals then I can "see" everything: The feelings, the hearing, the seeing. Taste and smell are almost never really in the foreground, but also they don't really have the same impact for sense of self I think. 

When I do manage to include all the senses into my awareness the three Cs become very obvious. It's what's called formations, right? When they're all seen at once it's as if the idea of being any of it would never even pop up, would seem absurd.

Seeing that all there ever is, is feeling, seeing, hearing (+tasting/smelling) it's as if the world suddenly becomes very small. Or actually I think it feels like existence just becomes paper thin. "Emptiness" is such an accurate word for what's really in these sensations.

Including seeing into my awareness points out how much of "the world" is constructed as nothing but an imagined extrapolation of our other senses. Seeing generates a sense of living as part of an external world like none of the other senses to: The mind creates, in order to "explain" the context of our other senses, a scenery of our immediate surroundings, the house we sit in, the planet we live on, the galaxies, the big bang; scenary of any size which immediately gives the impression that we are little me's in a big wide world.

But when investigated these visuals, regardless of how vast of a world they imply that we are different from, they are just so tiny, so thin, so empty when looked at directly!

/Rant over lol

At one point I spaced out for a bit, perhaps a minute or two. When I came back there was the purple nimitta to be seen, although it vanished after a few breaths where I followed it. 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/24/20 4:40 AM
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Sat for around 40 minutes last night and meditated myself to sleep. I'm glad I started going to bed like this. It's such a bad time to be doing anything else than meditating or sleeping.

This morning I sat for an hour:
The sit started out with fast, easy and semi/fully automatic noting. It felt like I was being ping pong'd around my body just pew pew pew!

I experimented with a range of different things this session.
For one thing, I checked in with how I experience sensations: It was fun to watch them be in constant flux; appearing, doing some stuff, and
finally: Poof! Gone.

I also paid extra attention to visual sensations. As I feel things in my body there's a lot of the time an accompanying visual representation of that area of the body, or perhaps just of "me" being in the room/surroundings, meditating. The images are most of the time extremely faint, barely perceivable. They last for a really short amount of time but leaves an impression for longer which is hard to identify more precisely. 

Paying attention to the visuals like this I experienced this small blip again, which I have experienced here and there I dont know how many times now. It's fun to be able to observe and describe it a little better now: I think it happens as I transfer attention from one sense door to another. It feels like when I observe a visual sensation disappear, everything disappears for just idk.. a tenth of a second perhaps? It's a funny experience.
I think this description sounds a bit like what I've read about fruition moments, although I do not think it is this. The reason why is that after this kind of blip that I have, it's basically as if I drop into what I was doing before. There's no bliss, no relief, nothing which is too different from 1/10 of a second earlier. I am a bit inerested tho, in hearing others if this is a common occurance. I guess I can't make anything of it, but I do find it interesting.

After this I had this situation pop up and get resolved. A situation about an old friend who I kinda got away from on the wrong foot. In my session I strangely had a lot of clarity about our weird and broken relationship which made it seem as if it was no longer broken. I hope he gets to know that, cuz I think he thinks I hate him even though I never did.. 

Then a purple nimitta appeared. I felt that the right thing to do was to slow down on the noting and stick with the nimitta for a while, while while just noting at a bit slower pace. I wanted to do this in order to expand awareness to constantly include the visual sense door while continuing to meditate.

After this, the meditation slowed down by a lot, but with a spaceous awareness of the felt body and the seen visuals. I felt no need to note, but figured I should keep the meditation going, so I did. It felt very easy, very equanimous. I have this bad back injury which is very frustrating to me who's used to doing calisthenics, lifting weights, running, swimming, martial arts and now can't do any of it. But along with the pain a smile was on my face. In my equanimous state I thought the little pain was a cutie.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/25/20 1:47 PM
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Sat for 30 minutes last night and 60 minutes this morning.

Feel very tranquil/EQ, and feel like I don't have to note because I'm just very alert. I feel that sometimes the noting is in the way of being properly aware of all that stuff of which there's too much of to note anyway.

I found out that no noting at all is not good. This makes me space out and float off...
But noting just the "rising, falling, sitting" works well for keeping an integrated awareness of the body. Then, if I add "seeing" when I have visuals going (which is all the time) and "feeling" when I discover something new pop up somewhere on the body, then I have a very integrated, broad and spaceous awareness going on. Turns out there's plenty to note just sticking to this, so I still note probably every second or every second second anyway emoticon
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/25/20 1:48 PM
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Interesting nimittas were appearing somewhere in the sit. First the usual purple, dynamic disc. Then there was a bright one similar to the light of a hazy lamp in the dark. 

I had an interesting aha-moment related to dukkha.
For the last perhaps 10-15 minutes I was simply "doing nothing" which is a practice I like because it's tranquility inducing and also gives some interesting ways of seeing how we don't do all the stuff that goes on all the time.

Anywho, so here I was, decided not to do anything for as long as I sat. But then this feeling showed up, an urge, to get up and stop meditating. That would be doing something, so I just kept on sitting, ignoring this urge.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/25/20 1:49 PM
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But then I felt how shitty the unanswered urge actually feels.

I noticed how powerful the urge was and how uncomfortable it was to refuse it. I saw how little control I had over it and that I was just a victim of the suffering without any say in it.

I remembered that it happens a lot in daily life, that I decide to do something and then don't because an urge tells me not to (or the other way around). This happens so much because refusing our urges just feels really bad. Even if I have just told myself "ok, no more cookies today mister". Then later, if I see the cookie jar, I have no say in how things are gonna go down: It's either eat the damn cookie, or suffer in the flames of hell. A pretty good and easy deal, some would say (that cookie was delicious). But! I didn't ask for life or death ultimatums on a daily basis. Like.. honestly? I didn't even ask for existence to exist, but here I am, forced to eat cookies! Arhghgh!!!

Life's indeed a beach
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/26/20 2:22 AM
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Meditating lying down in bed last night. Set the timer for 45 minutes but must have fallen asleep at some point. Heh.

Going to bed I was focusing on my visuals screen behind my eyelids. I think I have a new understanding of awareness vs attention which allows me to have better samadhi type focus. I quickly was presented with the swirly purples with dark centers and some bright color kinda "controlling" the swirls which looked kinda like its tail. There even was a little vortex looking thing in there at some point, reminding me of kasina practice where you also see all kinds of stuff swirl and spin around...

For the first time in a while I was able to study tiny details in these visions. But my right eye was kinda opening up, making my practice a bit strained and unsustainable.

This morning I meditated for 50 minutes. I felt annoyed as hell, but also rather equanimous about it. I was able to observe a large part of being annoyed as sensations in the body which makes it feel like its just something I'm looking at, rather than being.

I also noticed identification with a general feeling of misery I have and proceeded to see some of its bodily components, especially in my head, I think. 

I also had many showers of goose bumbs. I don't know what to say about that other than it happened.

My throat felt a little congested - is that the right word? Idk, there was a feeling of tightness and some pressure. Felt like it might be a realease of sorts.

Lastly, I have a pretty strong resistance toward meditation practice, but forced myself to keep going quite well. I think that's the answer (sometimes): Never stop! At least not just because it feels better to just space out and be with the swirleys.
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Year ago at 12/26/20 3:39 AM
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Emil Jensen:
But then I felt how shitty the unanswered urge actually feels.

I noticed how powerful the urge was and how uncomfortable it was to refuse it. I saw how little control I had over it and that I was just a victim of the suffering without any say in it.

I remembered that it happens a lot in daily life, that I decide to do something and then don't because an urge tells me not to (or the other way around). This happens so much because refusing our urges just feels really bad. Even if I have just told myself "ok, no more cookies today mister". Then later, if I see the cookie jar, I have no say in how things are gonna go down: It's either eat the damn cookie, or suffer in the flames of hell. A pretty good and easy deal, some would say (that cookie was delicious). But! I didn't ask for life or death ultimatums on a daily basis. Like.. honestly? I didn't even ask for existence to exist, but here I am, forced to eat cookies! Arhghgh!!!

Life's indeed a beach

I'm not ignoring your most recent post, but i think this one is close to the heart of something i find very interesting, and i think that it includes the ambivalence about sitting practice, and within sitting practice. You're doing hilarious Samsara Stand-up here, which I love, the old If This Shit Is Not Funny Once In a While I May Just Have to Die School of Existential Comedy. We really "didn't ask for life and death ultimatums on a daily basis," but for many of us who find our way to a meditation path, we're realizing that we've got them anyway, and trying to work that through. The cookies versus the flames of hell is funny, but true as fuck, of course. But who's to say that another Urge won't punish you for eating the cookie? This starts to get close to the heart of what I wanted to get at: if the Urges, themselves utterly mysterious at this point, have the power to enforce the flames of hell, at some point we end up caught between equally mysterious Urges that have more or less undecidably equal enforcement powers: a choice of hell or hell. In this sense, meditation at certain points may just seem like a ring side seat at our personalized version of WWF wrestling, with gigantic farcical Urges pounding each other into the mat and hitting each other with chairs. Nobody ever wins for very long; nothing is ever settled. Buddhisim 101 starts us with suffering, samsara dukkha, and the root of suffering, these Urges, in the first two Noble truths. And the early moves of the meditation life give us a glimpse of freedom from the Urges, little tastes of a life that is not a farcical collision of masked Urges. I tend to think the whole thing is driven at the deepest level by desperation, seeing through the shit urge by misery-making urge, often enough without a good sense of what "urge-less-ness" could possibly mean. and remember always the urges' propensity to enforce themselves with a bit of hellfire--- when they are frustrated, at first, but eventually, we see, also when they are indulged. Then we're really ready to work, between hell and hell. Sounds like you're in the neighborhood, lol. 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/26/20 3:54 AM
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I found it very interesting too! Seems like this is a very relevant kind of insight, eh? Suffering everywhere.

It's true, the cookie actually means hell too! There is no winning this shit for very long at a time, indeed!

But ok.. What can this insight be used for? You know, just to summarize here.
We need to see that these urges (and all other cookies and hell fire) can't make us eternal baywatch models with eternal cookies and caviar in our mouths, that none of that ain't us anyway and that caviar actually doesn't taste that good. Or however else the three characteristics may manifest...

But what else is there to do with this insight - other than to stop the endless slamming of bodies into mats and pounding with chairs?
Is that what the insight leads to? A natural giving up of the slamming? Or is it not that simple?
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Year ago at 12/26/20 5:20 AM
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But what else is there to do with this insight - other than to stop the endless slamming of bodies into mats and pounding with chairs?
Is that what the insight leads to? A natural giving up of the slamming? Or is it not that simple?

well, stopping the endless slamming of bodies into mats and pounding with chairs is pretty amazing in itself, so let's not skip past that too quickly, lol. Let's say for the sake of this conversation that in the dark night, in the dukkha nanas, we experience the dissolution of the worldview that held together the WWF spectacle as the only option. And of course that is way beyond the baywatch/caviar thing, it can go as deep as our vision of enlightenment itself, and every variation on the aspiring self: let's say that every state of the art worldview we have starts to look as ugly and stupid and pointless as the WWF. The fear in the dark night arises, i think, in large part from the completeness of that dissolution and the absence of an alternative. Our first response to the dissolution of a world of endless slamming of bodies into mats is terror that it will leave us unemployed, strangely enough. All we've ever known how to do is the wrestling moves. And now, yikes. This leaves us miserable at how long we kept working on our wrestling moves, maybe, what a fucking waste of time, or misery that all we know how to do is learn new wrestling moves, or misery that in a world where it is all wrestling, one way or the other, that we will be hapless nothings now. But we're too far gone, we're just sick of that fucking WWF tour life, and every attempt to come at it fresh just leads to disgust, revulsion, no fucking way. "A natural giving up of the slamming" is not natural at all, it is the fruit of a long miserable process of seeing how deep the slamming goes, in the world and, most crucially, in ourselves. It turns out that all the things we have believed we wanted and needed are implicated in the WWF life; to really let go of that seems to leave us with nothing. This is the intensity of the desire for liberation: better nothing than more slamming, when every something leads only to more slamming. When the nothing, the no slamming, somehow mysterious stops making us miserable, equanimity dawns. But equanimity is still, basically, better nothing than the slamming. EQ is the nothing that IS better than the slamming, lol. But as you know, there is no obvious thing to do, in EQ. The main thing it has going for it is that the emptiness of direction, the absence of desire, the tracklessness, the failure of specific motivation toward specific ends, is not unbearably painful, at first. And to the extent that we can accept the fundamental cluelessness of EQ, it deepens into all manner of interesting variations and developments. None of which point to anything but ever deeper EQ. EQ is playing chicken with nothingness. The question in it is exactly what you say: what does this insight into the emptiness of the slamming lead to?

Good fucking question, lol.
George S, modified 1 Year ago at 12/26/20 8:01 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/26/20 7:57 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Emil Jensen:
I found it very interesting too! Seems like this is a very relevant kind of insight, eh? Suffering everywhere.

It's true, the cookie actually means hell too! There is no winning this shit for very long at a time, indeed!

But ok.. What can this insight be used for? You know, just to summarize here.
We need to see that these urges (and all other cookies and hell fire) can't make us eternal baywatch models with eternal cookies and caviar in our mouths, that none of that ain't us anyway and that caviar actually doesn't taste that good. Or however else the three characteristics may manifest...

But what else is there to do with this insight - other than to stop the endless slamming of bodies into mats and pounding with chairs?
Is that what the insight leads to? A natural giving up of the slamming? Or is it not that simple?

You're on the right track. There's nothing else to do with this insight. Giving up is exactly what it leads to. It really is that simple. The urge is where it is at. What is this urge? The urge to do something other than what you are doing *right now* ... How is that even possible?
Martin, modified 1 Year ago at 12/26/20 2:26 PM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Emil Jensen:
Oh, a funny thing happened during my sit described above.

I've been watching this 24episode count-down-to-christmas show from way back in the day. One guy plays like 10 characters, and these two guys in the images were the voices in my head as I noted. My own voice normally says "feeling, rising, falling" etc. 

...

A
nd while I'm at noting funny things. I also had a very clear "seeing through my eyelids" yesterday. 

See you later, log

That thing with the voices happens to me too. It's relaxing when some other person takes over. Sometimes the sense of being someone will also switch to being that person. I also get the seeing through my eyelids thing quite a bit. I tend to put both of those things in the same basket that I would call something like "Arbitrariness of Mind." The mind can perceive directed internal verbal thought with Martin's voice or somebody else's voice, it can construct one sense of self or another, and it can represent internally generated models of the space around me as visual seeing, even when there is no light being input to the retina. It can do lots of things. The Arbitrariness of Mind basket is useful to be because it indicates that while, most of the time, the mind does similar predictable things, it is not inherently limited to those things. 
Martin, modified 1 Year ago at 12/26/20 2:42 PM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Emil Jensen:
Another game changer is the note of "emotion" which is a bit of a vague note for an emotion, really. But noting it this way makes it seen and a lot of the time brings attention to the bodily components of the emotion. These are often in the throat and heart, which previously was a no-mans land for me. Feels really good to feel the heart!

Get showers of goose-bumbs which are very metta-y quite often. I like this love-stuff. Tastes good.


Sounds great. I started using the generic "emotion" tag recently and also found it to be excellent. There is a way in which it is amply precise.
Martin, modified 1 Year ago at 12/26/20 3:03 PM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Emil Jensen:
...but here I am, forced to eat cookies! Arhghgh!!!


Indeed. And to imagine, each time, that I am now, and always was, and always will be, the boss of the near-endless repetitions of cookie-related decisions and behavior. What a thankless job to be thrust into!
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/27/20 4:15 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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TIM:
emoticonMan, you can write. I was lolling when I read the "EQ is playing chicken with nothingness". Dude..

And also, beautifully put, through and through. I love the wrestling analogy, it really is on point in a lot of ways. Especially for me atm since one of my big worldly concerns recently has been giving up MMA training - like, where are the new wrestling/strangling/killing moves gonna come from?! Despair..

I really look forward to gaining SE to see how I things may gain some new clarity.
I haven't read your logs yet, Tim - how far along the path are you?

Appreciate your inputs
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/27/20 4:45 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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40 minute sit last night and 60 minute sit this morning.

Last night I was getting super tired from meditating. I wanna believe its stage related as my meditation has this real dreamy, dissolutey quality to it. Anyway, I don't remember too many details of yesterdays sit, so let's just call it a sit and move on to the juice:

60 min sit this morning:
I have progressed to a deeper layer of inspection. Or well, a different one at least. I can maintain a pretty well integrated awareness of the seen, felt and heard while noting things from all these three sense doors with a feeling that I see each noted sensation clearly arise, do its thing, and then change/dissapear.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/27/20 4:46 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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From this level of look-out I am investigating two new things... maybe three?:

1) What happens when I don't have some specific sensation to note. In between notes, so to say. I don't have a good noting word for this yet, but I think I used "looking" a few times. It sort of fills out some of the gap which I discovered was there in between notes. The gap felt unconscious/unaware and bringing awareness into is defo a good thing.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/27/20 4:47 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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2) A dualistic split: I noted "me-ness" a few times today which shed light on the sensate compositions of my feeling of being "me". It happens very much in conjunction with the visual and heard sensations, with the felt sensations being more key to the actual "feeling" of "me":
E.g.: Auditory sensations give rise to visual representations of the sounds; Then feelings are coupled to those visual images; A feeling of "I am here in relation to the heard and the seen".
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/27/20 4:47 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Invenstiagting the mindscreen and the feeling of me, it really looked as if there was two: a screen of sensations and "me". Studying only the visual component it literally looks as if I'm looking at a screen. Mental visuals are then present, making up a background for "me" to be in and a feeling of pressure from inside my skull then represents the "me" actually resting there.
I sat for quite a while trying to poke holes in this pressure, with some success. Its a very stubborn, solid feeling sensation, but around the peripheries I could watch it move/buzz/vibrate. 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/27/20 4:48 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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3) Perhaps related to 1) is that I can see a bit more continously. I think this is what allows me to see the dissatisfactoriness of more moments. And to be real, it was there whenever I looked for it.
I had a real genuine curiosity about what to do with this unsatisfactoriness seemingly pervading every moment. It definitely helped to not sort of buy into it, for instance by trying to make the discomfort go away. Instead one can just see the characteristics of it: Which was to show up uninvited, to do everything on its own including going away again, and to provide no comfort/satisfaction whatsoever.

Ugh.. screw sensations, man. I'm outta here!

Wait.. still here 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/27/20 4:52 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Martin:
"Arbitrariness of mind" is almost a good new note :p
Like noting "emotion" it could shed the light on the core components of all kinds of experiences that we may not atm see how are consitutated from each of the senses.
It's almost as if noting stuff makes it more tangible..
George S, modified 1 Year ago at 12/27/20 5:29 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Emil Jensen:

 I can maintain a pretty well integrated awareness of the seen, felt and heard while noting things from all these three sense doors with a feeling that I see each noted sensation clearly arise, do its thing, and then change/dissapear.

If sensations are just arising and doing their thing then do you really need to layer an integrated sense of awareness on top of that? Can you see how that is just a fabrication which comes and goes like everything else?
George S, modified 1 Year ago at 12/27/20 5:29 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Emil Jensen:
From this level of look-out I am investigating two new things... maybe three?:

1) What happens when I don't have some specific sensation to note. In between notes, so to say. I don't have a good noting word for this yet, but I think I used "looking" a few times. It sort of fills out some of the gap which I discovered was there in between notes. The gap felt unconscious/unaware and bringing awareness into is defo a good thing.

In the gaps you are seeing nothingness, which can be scary. The mind retreats back into awareness as a kind of defense mechanism. Moving forward - is it really nothing, or can you see that it requires some energy to maintain and perceive?
George S, modified 1 Year ago at 12/27/20 5:32 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/27/20 5:31 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Emil Jensen:
2) A dualistic split: I noted "me-ness" a few times today which shed light on the sensate compositions of my feeling of being "me". It happens very much in conjunction with the visual and heard sensations, with the felt sensations being more key to the actual "feeling" of "me":
E.g.: Auditory sensations give rise to visual representations of the sounds; Then feelings are coupled to those visual images; A feeling of "I am here in relation to the heard and the seen".

The sense of me-ness or I-ness or subjectivity or having a centerpoint in relation to the heard and seen ... this is also a fabrication which comes and goes, a kind of optional extra if you like.

All good stuff emoticon
George S, modified 1 Year ago at 12/27/20 5:36 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Emil Jensen:
3) Perhaps related to 1) is that I can see a bit more continously. I think this is what allows me to see the dissatisfactoriness of more moments. And to be real, it was there whenever I looked for it.
I had a real genuine curiosity about what to do with this unsatisfactoriness seemingly pervading every moment. It definitely helped to not sort of buy into it, for instance by trying to make the discomfort go away. Instead one can just see the characteristics of it: Which was to show up uninvited, to do everything on its own including going away again, and to provide no comfort/satisfaction whatsoever.

Ugh.. screw sensations, man. I'm outta here!

Wait.. still here 

This is the basic dukkha assoicated with trying to maintain these projections of awarenss and nothingness and subjectivity in relation to independently arising sensory phenomena. You're going pretty fast here so your mind may need some time to accept these things. emoticon
Martin, modified 1 Year ago at 12/27/20 10:39 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Good thought!
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 3:03 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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I was a bad meditator yesterday - a Baddha? Hehe..
Because I skipped the formal evening sit! I meditated as I went to bed tho, which was a good, high intensity session.


Just now I sat for an hour.
It felt difficult to get out of bed. You know, why do anything?!
But as my butt hit the cushion I was glued onto it for that hour.

In the beginning I had this feeling that "something big is going to happen". (I have that phrase from MCTB but I don't remember what it's related to). It made me feel uneasy: a bit excited and nervous.

I proceded to note and reached one of my higher paces today. I noted very consistently at 3-4 notes per second, would be my guess.

I had a very good sense of noting emotions, urges, subtle discomforts, aversions/attractions. Again today, it was very clear that the subtle discomfort is really there a lot of the time. Maybe all of the time?! I'll have to look into that.

At one point I noticed that I was subtly straining myself to note. I relaxed and discovered that "feel" was still there, without any effort. In the matter of a few seconds I had a small wave of bliss come over me. Then I started trying to not try, I think, and that seemed to make the bliss hold off.

In the end of the sit I was a bit tired and felt like I could use a break. I'm not sure.. if I really would go all-in for that SE, would I be better off just sitting continuously till I passed out, wake up and then do it again? Or is it good for over all progress to just stick to a slow and steady pace?
Regardless, I really feel like I should sit more, like I could possibly reach SE if I really gave it some more time on the cushion.

In the meantime, I have to keep reading DhO logs about reaching SE. I want to demystify the process and possibly gain inspiration too!
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 3:07 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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agnostic:
Emil Jensen:

 I can maintain a pretty well integrated awareness of the seen, felt and heard while noting things from all these three sense doors with a feeling that I see each noted sensation clearly arise, do its thing, and then change/dissapear.

If sensations are just arising and doing their thing then do you really need to layer an integrated sense of awareness on top of that? Can you see how that is just a fabrication which comes and goes like everything else?
I'm glad you wrote this, as my answer is "yes?". I do need an integrated sense of awareness, don't I? I mean, isn't that what gives rise to formations? I'll be happy to know if I misunderstood something emoticon

Of course I can see that the integrated awareness comes and goes but I figured that it was in those moments that the nature of our experience would become easier to see accurately.
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 3:30 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 3:30 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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from Shargrol Of Course:

Learning to balance effort and relaxation is what provides the mental sanity and healing that we ultimately want out of practice.

 Most people do not try hard enough in meditation, which is why most books/teachers emphasize effort. But the few people that are actually putting in the hours and retreat time tend to be the ones that try too hard. As a result, they kind of shoot past equanimity … too much effort kept me looping (A&P <–> DN nanas) and didn't allow me to settle into EQ … The good news is that a much more gentle approach will not only lessen the "heat", but it will also lead to a stable EQ and eventually SE. And much more importantly, the VERY VERY good news is learning how to do that is what provides the mental sanity and healing that we ultimately want out of practice. SE really doesn't change the person that much. It is all the work leading up to SE, learning to balance effort and relaxation, that’s what really changes a person.

George S, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 3:51 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 3:49 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Emil Jensen:

In the end of the sit I was a bit tired and felt like I could use a break. I'm not sure.. if I really would go all-in for that SE, would I be better off just sitting continuously till I passed out, wake up and then do it again? Or is it good for over all progress to just stick to a slow and steady pace?
Regardless, I really feel like I should sit more, like I could possibly reach SE if I really gave it some more time on the cushion.

You might be able to hack it using sheer effort but it could be quite destabilizing. Remember this is just the beginning - hell it's always only just the beginning. Like shargrol says, finding the right balance between effort and relaxation is really important ... all the way down the path. Only you can know your limits and part of figuring them out is pushing yourself A LITTLE BIT past them. But the harder you push the more weird and potentially destabilizing stuff will happen ...
George S, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 4:02 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 3:58 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Emil Jensen:
agnostic:
Emil Jensen:

 I can maintain a pretty well integrated awareness of the seen, felt and heard while noting things from all these three sense doors with a feeling that I see each noted sensation clearly arise, do its thing, and then change/dissapear.

If sensations are just arising and doing their thing then do you really need to layer an integrated sense of awareness on top of that? Can you see how that is just a fabrication which comes and goes like everything else?
I'm glad you wrote this, as my answer is "yes?". I do need an integrated sense of awareness, don't I? I mean, isn't that what gives rise to formations? I'll be happy to know if I misunderstood something emoticon

Of course I can see that the integrated awareness comes and goes but I figured that it was in those moments that the nature of our experience would become easier to see accurately.

All I can say is that from my perspective, eventually I realized that the integrated sense of awareness is a defense strategy of the mind which obscures the true clarity of independently arising formations. However you recognize you need it for now, which is good. There's nothing wrong with sticking this question on the back burner.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 4:13 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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"would I be better off just sitting continuously till I passed out, wake up and then do it again? Or is it good for over all progress to just stick to a slow and steady pace?"

Who knows? emoticon Only you can try it out and see what you discover there in any case. 

I would lean towards daily 2 to 3 sits (45-60 minutes per sit). But if you feel the "thirst" towards long sits then by all means do it and see what you discover there. 

Fact is we all have that sense of a "dancer" inside who keeps dancing the dance in hope to get there and gain something etc ... This "dancer" is different from person to person (call it Karma if you like). As long this dancer is full of enthusiasm to get something other than This right Now the practice will go on and on until the "dancer" is totally exhausted and there is nothing other but This-ness unfolding, 1-5 sensation noted per second for the duration of the sit (sense of "dancer" also part of the noted This-moment). 

You might need to simply practice more just to come to the point of that sense of the "dancer" being sick and tired of its own dancing so it gives up on all that and gives space to simply abiding in the noting of 1-5 sensations per second for the duration of the entire sit. 

If you need less lost in scenarios then note aloud. If you need more concentration then open eyes and gently rest the seeing on a Kasina object in front of you while noting aloud. You need to relax more then check every so often if body is tensed and relax it and keep calm body noting 1-5 sensations/feelings/mind states a second. 

And treat SE as if it's sold out in the Dhamma Store! They might never be able to restock on it emoticon you fucked! emoticon all you have left is the noting 1-5 sensations per second for the duration of the sit day after day and trust that this is all there is to it. emoticon 

Best wishes Emil! 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 4:18 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 4:17 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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All I can say is that from my perspective, eventually I realized that the integrated sense of awareness is a defense strategy of the mind which obscures the true clarity of independently arising formations. However you recognize you need it for now, which is good. There&#039;s nothing wrong with sticking this question on the back burner.]


Thanks for the input. I feel that you're very right, look forward to checking it out.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 4:25 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Che
Arghghghh!! SE sold out at the Dharma Store?!?!
You know, that's a good mindset, I have experimented with that already. I am already past the point of expecting too much from practice. Just gotta keep it going, that's the most important thing.

If I were never to get SE my reasons for practicing meditation would just be to have better focus, to have a more equanimous mind. Oh, and of course to pick up chicks. Dharma girls love a good meditator. Right? emoticon

I actually very much don't want to note aloud, hehe. Also I feel that noting internally is doing the trick just fine! I don't really get lost in scenarios, typically expect when I space out with no noting at all. Noting is key for energy and presence indeed!

About the intensity of sits, I'm considering adding a third sit to the morning/evening routine. Some time during mid day may work out for me, at least until I start my job in mid-january

Let's goooo! emoticon
George S, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 7:48 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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If you like, I can show you how to experience nibbana right now.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 7:51 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Ok, I'm ready!
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 10:30 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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"I actually very much don't want to note aloud, hehe. Also I feel that noting internally is doing the trick just fine!"

emoticon that's fine mate. You do what you feel is doing it for you. I was suggesting aloud noting as a tool in case of much resistance as in Re-observation or even in early stages. But sure thing, even silent calm-abiding can also work here (Shamatha was my first ever practice for close to 3 years). 

I think you are doing just fine as is and the rest of us here are just creating noise emoticon Look at poor agnostic getting all stick now from Olivier and Chris emoticon (I better shut up now before they turn their attention to me) emoticonemoticon 
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Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 1:24 PM
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I'm splitting off the recent posts and the back and forth between me, agnostic and Olivier. This way we can focus on that discussion without ruining Emil's meditation log. The split-off posts can be found on this new thread:

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/21987486
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 3:31 PM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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(Warning for those about to read this log: I feel in a super ranty/complainy/negative/shitty mood. This may rub off on your eyes, so go read some other log if you don't wanna cry)

Che:
Yeh man, doin pretty good!

This log thing has gotten things moving, yo!
A few weeks ago I was wondering how to angle myself for the most deadly fall out of the window. (I only live on 2nd floor, not that deadly especially if one tried doing a cool ninja roll on impact).

Now I'm meditating at least twice a day, making hit banger Dharma music (probably gonna take off to the charts soon), and other stuff's going well too. Yay (in a sarcastic voice, cuz I still kinda hate existence for existing).

In all sincerity: Thanks a lot to all you writing logs yourself and interacting with this log. Even tho it's online it's as if I'm not alone in the world any more.

Ok enough with the sobbing! I just did a cool ass mediation - y'all wanna hear about that or what?!

I did a 60 minute sit, started noting right away.
Noting pace not nearly as quick as my sit this morning. However, I felt very formation-y, and I think that's good.
I don't know what to say about these noted sensations. Should I be able to describe them other than that they arise and pass? I mean.. if there is something else to say, then one could say anything and I sure as fuuuuuck don't wanna open that box. I hate stories and if I were to tell one about my sensate experience this would be a long and really dumb log.

There was a mention worthy moment: I had just been in formation land where the seen, felt and heard seemed to come in through just one door. Then I spaced out a little bit and then ZICK. My body felt as if it did a little jump and dude. It did feel like I was gone for that little zick.

So now I'm like - am I having fruitions or what? I have tried this spacing out and then jumpstart like.. idk how many times. More times than I know. Is that what's going on? Didn't feel like I was tired and simply falling asleep. I sure was there up until the restart.

Haha, I have to laugh at my own stupidity. Fruitions were sold out, remember?! I know that a week from now I'm gonna look back with embaressment to have even considered that I had ever accomplished anything.

Anyway, I'll go read some MCTB and maybe get some sense knocked into my stupid brain.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 3:58 PM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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I know the feeling. You aren't alone. And it didn't affect me negatively to read it. I don't think putting up facades is healthy, and it sure isn't good for one's practice either, so feel free to rant. 

As for the unknowing events, diagnosing is so tricky, but what you are saying about your mood tells me that it probably wasn't it. It could still be a near miss. I had several near misses before hitting stream entry. There are some state shifts that manifest like that, such as dropping down into something formless for the fraction of a second. I find that those dips are more physically "jumpstarty" than actual fruitions, like adrenaline is involved. In fruitions, I haven't experienced any body jumping. At least that's how I have categorized it. Keep exploring, though. If it's the territory it sounds like it might be, it's good stuff. 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 4:11 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 4:11 PM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Thanks for the comfort, Polly emoticon Your logs are greatly appreciated too!

the thought about fruitions actually popped up after reading your log. Your first description of it in your 2nd log is so.. uneventful? You know, it's not like you were storming out the door running around with a chapagne bottle hahaha. Imagine that :p 

It had me think that maybe I am experiencing fruitions but since I am very unimpressed by even the most spacey A&P-out of body-alien-vortex-alternate reality or bliss kinda stuff, then I just kinda shrugged at it. Does that make sense? I mean.. so what if I disappeared for a moment and felt clarity and whatnot?

aaanyway

I look forward to exploring more. It's true for me as well that these occurrences don't actually have that much of a physical feel to them. Today it did a little bit tho... I think. I might have misperceived it due to some subtle visual stuff going on but I'm not sure. 

but the restarts are different now than earlier on. I remember having a "dat.dat.dat.gone" experience several times. 

lately my gone moments are a lot less datdatdat  and more like just blipping out from a bit spaced out place. 

ill have to just explore and find out what's going on. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 5:47 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 5:21 PM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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I'm glad to hear that. emoticon

Haha, yeah, I see what you mean. It was a bit anti-climactic. That very uneventful thing did have some profound effects, though. It changed some stuff that was hardwired, such as the inbility to tolerate prolonged eye contact that I used to have becase of being autistic. Lots of social anxiety suddenly went away. Stuff like that. And jhanas happened by themselves, and there was like a huge buffet of highlights from my practice that would show up accumulated, and everything felt unsolid to the extent of feeling like I was sinking through the floor when walking sometimes. All this wasn't apparent from the first fruition, though, and in retrospect I have been wondering if some of the earlier unknowing event were fruitions after all. I'm thinking specifically of the time when three images of sacred geometry were flashing by in rapid succession. Maybe it's more like a bunch of fruitions do the job together rather than the first one alone, and maybe the effect comes after it has accumulated enough? I really don't know. I have noticed a pattern of having a bunch of unknowing events right before a few more clearly demarcated ones occur that seems to involve some tangible shift. I'm not sure how to interpret that. 
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 5:33 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/28/20 5:33 PM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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"It did feel like I was gone for that little zick."

I don't know anything mate emoticon As far as Buddhist shit goes apparently there are the right Nimittas and the wrong ones depending on who is talking about them. Same for Jhana stuff and of course Nibbana/Cessation is no different. I thought (naively) that only Mahasi style Cessation is what Nibbana is, is what SE is, but according to Thanissaro Bhikkhu in his style SE Cessation/Nibbana there still is awareness in it which is not there in the Mahasi style POI cessation which i "know" about in my (not) experience. So before jumping to conclusions I would say "don't know" emoticon If this to be judged by Mahasi it would be a no as there was a sense of time in it. In Mahasi Cessation there is no way of telling anything about "it" ; no sense of time, no consciousness, no rememberance of any kind, black out utter and only way to know about it is when consciousness reboots. That's when one has the "what was that?!" moment emoticon 

However I think Linda onto something by saying that you are in a good spot in your practice so just keep at it. And of course SE is still out of stock in the Dhamms Shop so stick to what you already have emoticon the practice emoticon 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/29/20 4:52 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/29/20 4:52 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Polly:
Its a bit new to me, to hear of fruitions not being the most super climatic thing on the planet. If I recall correctly, Daniel described his first moment as "waves and waves and waves of grattitude (and bliss?)". Something like that. I don't even remember when I had my first blip, fruition or not. But then again, I do remember crying tears of gratitude. 

The benefits coming after your first fruition - that's very good to hear emoticon
I myself have had my life transformed completely from this journey. In a good way.

I would say that along with all the more "normal" benefits, like reduced anxiety, ability to hold eye contact, ability to enter jhanas, isn't there really just one "true" measure of progress of insight? I mean the amount of suffering! You know, the taste of salt and freedom and all that.

I would say, fruitions or not, that my amount of suffering has reduced to being just 10% of what it used to be. Possibly to even less.
I have gained the super human powers of not having a problem with stuff to a very high degree. This freedom is really the biggest benefit to all of this.

I would find it weird that I have experiences such freedom, if I didn't also have a relatively high level of insight.

Regardless, the good part about this fruitions-or-not thing, is that if it turns out I am not having them, but still doing this good with regard to a progression in the reduction of suffering - well, then all the more to come once I do get them! (Which I bloody hell swear I will).


Che:
I'm with you on the "don't know" train. In fact, I do don't know stuff really well.

It's not that easy to say "no", though. Because in my experiences there is no sense of anything during the blips. All I remember is some stuff leading up to and then as if waking up from.. you know.. whatever that was.
Writing this makes it sound like I think I do know.. And I must say that right now I'm feeling like "OK, I have cessations. Wasn't what I expected from them. They're actually pretty boring and who cares anyway".

Over all I think this is healthy enough. Because if what I'm having is cessations, then I don't give (much of) a crap about them. I just want deeper insight which (fruitions or not) seems to deminish my level of suffering. All is well. I'll stick to practice.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/29/20 5:05 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/29/20 5:05 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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60 minute sit this morning:
I had the question of fruitions lingering in my mind. This generated feelings of excitement which I notes as "feel" various places in the body. That made the reactions go away.

I noted slowly in the beginning but rose to a very fast pace eventually. I wondered how many notes it would be if I was able to actually say "note" of all of them. I stopped noting and just gauged the sensations happening all over by feel. I don't know. More than 5-6 which I'm able to sort of follow with a quick mental "note".

A while in a purple nimitta appeared and I used that to focus on while I kept noting bodily, heard, and other visual sensations.
I noted a large number of visual representations of sounds and feelings in my body.
I also noted more sounds than normally which felt good. It felt as if I was included something which I had avoided for a while. I figured before that "sound is not as important as feel" but today I gave more importance to the heard. It felt broadening/including and helped me connect with the visual images arising from the heard as well, so it was just a win-win-win-win-win scenario.

Rapture showed up with perhaps 15 minutes left. It wanted to interfear with my noting by tempting me to just space out to it. I kept on noting though and the rapture actually grew stronger, not what I had expected. But I do remember the same thing from my retreat where I entered very altering raptures in that way. Let me remind me to not space out to jhanic pleasant states in the future, when noting at least.

I also noticed, to my pleasant surprise, that the rapture wasn't as pleasant as first perceived. It consisted of pressure type sensations across most of the body. Many of them actually had some pain in them. The ones that didn't felt neutral and empty/boring/unsatisfying.

This discovery was pleasant because I felt that I saw through an illusion which has something to do with my old perception of jhanic rapture being King. Well, not today, old conceptualizing mind!
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/29/20 6:04 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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The story you shared about the window jump; I wonder if you have considered going for therapy about that? I personally did much talking therapy because of PTSD and it can be of benefit on this spiritual journey which can be at times shaky ground. Usually out of the blue all sorts of shit starts pouring down emoticon Having a therapist to talk out shadow emotional stuff can help a lot. 

Btw, thank you for sharing with us Emil! 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/29/20 6:40 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/29/20 6:40 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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I know I'm not seriously in danger. I think there's a long way still before actually taking a jump.
I want more to figure life out than to throw it away. Still, in those dark times its just tempting to consider escapes. Like drugs. I crave that quite a bit from time to times. But I don't take it either cuz I don't wanna fuck up stuff going forward emoticon

If I could afford a therapist, maybe emoticon I'm getting a job next month, so perhaps I'll consider it if the night turns dark again.

Thanks for tuning in - this is a small community man. Love it emoticon
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/29/20 8:54 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Well emoticon therapists in Denmark are cheap man emoticon I think I paid only 330dkk per session which is nothing. Of course you need your local doctor to appoint you to one to get such cheap price. 
But yes having some income sure helps! 

Wish you all best with that new job! 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/29/20 3:18 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/29/20 3:18 PM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Meditated for 40 minutes earlier today. Started with kasina practice which I havent done in a while. Figured my sit during the day could be a concentration type exercise. Today it hurt my head too much tho (I'm a little sick), so I switched to following the breath.

I just finished a 60 minute note-sit.
This was a weird sit. A little bit into the sit it felt as if sensations were overwhelming. Like if you have a head ache, which I kinda do, and you sit in a crowded, overly bright and overly loud room. It was almost too much, tempting me to just focus on breathing in stead. But I kept noting.

At one point all the noise cleared up and there was a very serene bodily feel with a purple nimitta to be seen. The nimitta felt different than all those other times I've seen it lately. It's hard to describe the difference but it was very clearly felt. Perhaps I could say it felt like I had stuck my head underwater to see the nimitta. Just like the water would go around my head and submerge me, my field of vision felt submerged and the nimitta was a lot closer than normally.

The serene moment died out and I was back to a bit more normal noting. But my neck felt especially tense, I even moved my head around because I was curious to see if it was in fact locked in place.

I also felt pain in my legs and its been a long time since I was last bothered by this. I kept on noting and was curious as to observe the discomfort. I wanna go back and meditate some more before bed time. If I do it will be the most meditating I've done since my retreat.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/30/20 4:28 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Meditated myself to sleep last night.
These past sessions really have been dominated by lack of ability to see clearly. It's like everything is bussy and noisy.
Also, laying there in my bed I struggled to find a comfortable position. My neck hurt and pangs of pain popped up various places in my body. After a few tries to get comfortable I realized it wasn't gonna happen so I just tried to look for impermanence in the pains. This helped.


I woke up at 4:50 this morning, feeling quite awake. I  wasn't gonna get up that early so I just meditated. I didn't note but instead noticed all kinds of flow/movement of sensations in the body. The purple nimitta showed up and I enjoyed just following it do all kinds of movements with ease.

I just now finished an hour sit and the noise has not gone away yet. I feel that I don't know what to note because there's noise all the time. I try to just go through it meticulously as per normal protocol. But I did take a few "breaks" along the way just tuning into the over all flow of stuff. I finished the last ~10 minutes with just sitting, "doing nothing". It felt like I was doing nothing and I noticed some stuff "I" would normally do, like think about things, or try to move attention around in the body. 

The nimitta seems to show up in every session now. During this session I think it was purple at some point, but I more clearly remember that it was a sort of hazy beige color.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/30/20 7:01 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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An hour sit, just finished.

I experienced no sense of either noise or pain.
I had quite a few, perhaps 20, jerky muscle spams in my arms and legs.

Mentally I've felt sad/miserable for most of the early day. I've felt that there's no point in doing anything other than to become enlightened. I long for..not to struggle anymore. 

One moment was as if everything stood still, everything was so quiet and serene. 

During the sit I felt that I needed to change something up. As if I needed to look a bit differently because I felt stagnated.
So I investigated a bit more specifically the sense of observing the visual sensations. Whenever I notice a sense of observer there and I look into what's actually there in that moment, its always pressure in the head. I think it creates the illusion of something being there, doing the observing.

I cycled between noting "seeing", "feeling" (specifically in skull), "rise", "fall".

A few times I also meticulously went in on each sense door and checked for the three characteristics by asking questions to each: "Is this happening on its own?", "Is it changing?", "Would it be satisfying to try and live in these sensations?"

This seemed to narrow the gap between this perceived observer and the observed.

I was stuck with this idea, or rather this approach of looking into the sense of self, at my latest retreat. I really feel like it fucks with my experience. Also, aren't we supposed to investigate these subtler things? I.e. sense of self, urges, sense of space/time.

Does it happen automatically with noting in a style that always remains the same?

Or are we supposed to adapt our noting to the subtlety appearing as we proceed? This latter is what I'm doing and what I'm tempted to think is necessary.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/30/20 7:03 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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By the way, all that talk about fruitions vs no fruitions.. now I seem to have been in stages that seem completely beginner like.

For example, all that neck stiffness and pain - isn't that a cause and effect thing?

Feeling like everything is noisy, like having bees fly around ones head, isn't that a dissolution thing?

Feeling miserable and craving relief...

Where am I? Will I ever learn to use the maps for anything other than to have faith that there's something beyond my current stage/state?
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Year ago at 12/30/20 7:54 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/30/20 7:54 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Emil

By the way, all that talk about fruitions vs no fruitions.. now I seem to have been in stages that seem completely beginner like.


For example, all that neck stiffness and pain - isn't that a cause and effect thing?

Feeling like everything is noisy, like having bees fly around ones head, isn't that a dissolution thing?

Feeling miserable and craving relief...

Where am I? Will I ever learn to use the maps for anything other than to have faith that there's something beyond my current stage/state?

The map answer is that after a good taste of EQ, you started hurrying and grasping, and fell back into the dukkha nanas. It's sort of a classic loop, really, and it is generous of you to be so open about it. Like a teaching module, lol. (Some of my friends and I used to joke with each other: "Oh, a learning experience! You poor bastard.") The good news is there's nothing like the dark night to teach us humility and patience and faith, and there's nothing like all our most intense doing collapsing around us in chaos to motivate us to begin to attune to the paradox of less effortful "doing." In the long run, acclimatizing to the cloud of unknowing, to doing your practice in good old blue-collar stick-to-the-technique non-heroic work, without hurry or fear, builds the foundation you need to get Really Fucking Lost at the crucial points. You are beautiful in your passion, lovable in your intensity, and authentic in your longing for liberation. A lot of the rest is surviving yourself. Slow down, just a bit; accept the kaleidoscope, just a bit. Keep your cool and your practice, but ease the pressure. It is counter-intuitive, it is learned behavior, to ease off when your efforts are causing cramps in your practice. We all believe in the work ethic. But you are working, just fine. 

George S, modified 1 Year ago at 12/30/20 8:43 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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Emil Jensen:

I was stuck with this idea, or rather this approach of looking into the sense of self, at my latest retreat. I really feel like it fucks with my experience. Also, aren't we supposed to investigate these subtler things? I.e. sense of self, urges, sense of space/time.

Does it happen automatically with noting in a style that always remains the same?

Or are we supposed to adapt our noting to the subtlety appearing as we proceed? This latter is what I'm doing and what I'm tempted to think is necessary.


Doubts about practice, method, techniques etc. are all good things to be noted! They will disappear by themselves if noted diligently enough emoticon 
George S, modified 1 Year ago at 12/30/20 8:53 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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By the way, if you haven't already read it then you may find Mahasi Sayadaw's Progress Of Insight helpful, which is essentially included as Chapter 5 (Practical Instructions) in his Manual of Insight (I would ignore the rest of the book for now). It's only 30 pages long and takes you step by step through the entire noting cycle. Daniel Ingram calls it his 'favorite dharma book of all time with no close competitors'.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 12/30/20 10:11 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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"The map answer is that after a good taste of EQ, you started hurrying and grasping, and fell back into the dukkha nanas. It's sort of a classic loop, really, and it is generous of you to be so open about it."

+1 on this and rest what Tim said! emoticon 

Have faith in Noting 1-5 sensations per second for the duration of your sit. Ponder afterwards if you need it. If insight happens during the noting sit so be it but no reason to spend time in self-validation. Sure thing note that self-validating also as "thinking" and move on through this vast samsaric ocean. Don't forget to relax the body and breathing but let the mind be fast as it certainly can take this. Trust that mind knows all which was noted beforehand anyway emoticon Don't fear loosing "control" just keep plain simple noting of your own matter of fact experience. It's all we have really emoticon 

Look at it like going to the gym for 45 minutes and lifting weights non stop. Then afterwards have a hot shower, make a tea, watch a movie, read a book, play music, wash dishes, go for walk, talk with friends ... etc ... no reason to drive yourself mad with Dhamma 24/7. When on cushion then weight lifting without lapse. Timer goes off after 45 minutes emoticon say well done and find a hobby emoticon until the next sit etc ... 

It is very important to let go of this stuff mentally and do other life things as well. 

Map is good to use as a general guideline rather than point to point exact replica. 

Best wishes and be gentle with yourself emoticon 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/30/20 3:41 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/30/20 3:41 PM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

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I think I needed to hear this, guys. To ease off a bit emoticon

I read what you wrote earlier, Tim, and resonated with it. I took the "day off" in a way haha since I was planning on meditating some more. Just chilled instead. I could definitely feel the pressure I had put on myself.

Just had another 60 minute sit and found that I could feel the effect of having let off some mental pressure a bit. I felt giggly and equanimous. This made practice easier and less stressed. That's probably a good thing.

It's difficult to know exactly what to do now. I am starting my job 15th of january and expect that I will be very busy. Would be cool to make as much of my, for now, unlimited free time as possible before then. If I can do it without putting stress/pressure on myself I would like to maintain at least 3 or 4 hours daily until then. Ideally more...

Agnostic, I think I'll have to read some Mahasi again. I've been meaning to and it's been a while since I read it. I also tend to not remember anything which is unrelateable/unintuitive for me, so I'm guessing I'd read it with new eyes now.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 12/31/20 3:23 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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60 minute sit this morning.

Still feel like taking a step back and remembered that tranquility is a factor of awakening that I could possibly learn to amp up a bit...

Instead of doing strict noting all the way through I let myself groove a bit here and there and experimented with what felt right. Whenever sloppiness turns up, I am pretty fast at getting back at the noting which seems to keep up the energy.

This session I especially focused on seeing impermanence in felt sensations. I noted something and stayed with it until I could perceive a change. This felt good. Normally quick noting doesn't allow for really studying each sensation more, one is just off to the next.

I also remembered reading Mahasi, who put emphasis on noting "rising" and "falling", as well as "sitting". To me he didn't seem eager to have note as many different things as fast as possible, which has been what I've been trying to do.
Today it felt like "sitting" had a tendency to generate that broad awareness which actually makes me notice many sensations other than feelings in the spine yielding the "sitting" feel. I.e. other bodily sensations as well as subtle visual sensations aiding this sense of space and me in relation to it.

I have to read Mahasi again to see if I get some new understanding. Perhaps next year hehe...

Today I again encountered the very solid feeling of "me" in my skull. I spent a little time trying to look for impermanence in it with some success. Whenever I work in this area, around my eyes, the seen and the skull, my sense of self does something. It tempts me to believe that there's important work to be done there. I don't know emoticon

It's new years. Don't go blowing off your fingers and toes, kids. And don't smoke cigars while you light explosives, lest you mix them up. Wouldn't wanna try and vipassanalize a face that's not there anymore, would we...?
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 1/2/21 5:01 AM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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New years day was a bit of a lay-low for me. Meditated for about 20 minutes last night before starting to fall asleep as I was tired from being up late on new years eve.

This morning I'm back in it. Sat for 60 minutes:

A small break might have done me good with regards to losing up a little bit. Rapture and tranquility are the factors of awakening which seem strengthened by this. I felt more piti than usual, and some bodily rapture in the form of feeling like I was going side ways inside my head lol.

The down side of this is that I do seem to space out a little more...

BUT! I discovered some new things! They may be more related to sila than pana, but I take whatever I can get:
I felt deep fear related to my self image of being in good shape and good looking haha. (I don't think I'm narcissistic, just strongly attached to being super hot LOL!). 

It was interesting to feel this fear so deeply, since normally I'm like "yeah, just take it all idgaf" whenever it comes to losing my identity and world view. I already lost the fuck out of it, why not give away the rest?

Another fear showed up as I had this odd, vague experience that there were more "me's". I once had this (probably A&P) experience where I spent what felt like hours in an alternate reality. In that reality I felt as if "the original me" was from there, and my present "me" was the odd, alien-reality version. So as the blue vortex/wormhole opened up and sucked me back into "this world" I remember feeling panick because I was taken away from my "true" place in that reality. Spooky stuff..

Anyway today I had a visual sensation going on, happening from behind the eyes of another "me" in this world. This made me feel a small hint of what I'm tempted to call "existential horror". Wow, that could be the title of a cool book...

Like, how scary wouldn't it be if our sense of self could jump between realities, leaving behind everything we identify with "here", only to pick up a new story, and new world view, a new identity, new memories, new everything, in just the snap of a finger. I mean, I'm up for it, send me away! I'm just saying it would feel a little sketchy the first few times.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 1/2/21 3:03 PM
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RE: Emil's Practice Log

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An evening 60 minute sit:

Would say was a good sit. I feel very curious and interested about my meditation today.
I seem to have found a more hamonious balance of the amount of noting: Not too much, which causes stress/tension; not too little which causes sloppiness.

I also seem to see some new stuff, like I did this morning. This evening I noticed impermanence in a new light. It felt deeper, as if better understood/seen. I saw emotions, urges, intentions and bodily sensations arise and seemed to know that because they arose, they would also vanish. I observed that too quite a few times.

Then I felt as if I understood something a bit deeper: That the feeling of attention of the observations also arose.. and therefore also would pass again. This felt as if it cut a bit deeper somehow...

I had a couple of these moments idk what to call them.. near misses maybe? Although I don't know near miss of what.. Or a quick step into some higher jhana? I really don't know. The moments kinda feel like little shocks and my body jumps a little bit. It happened two or three times today. The first time it was as if there was a sound like "RUNG".

Would say I feel quite equanimous. Wonder if I have worked myself back through the dukkha nanas...
Sam Gentile, modified 1 Year ago at 1/2/21 3:25 PM
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Good stuff. I just had a sit where I am feeling pretty equanmous too.
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Year ago at 1/3/21 2:36 AM
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I had a couple of these moments idk what to call them.. near misses maybe? Although I don't know near miss of what.. 

Seriously, man, this kind of thinking will fuck you up. Forget the speculative unknown that you're missing, nearly or otherwise. Practice the technique, one hit at a time. You're not missing a goddamn thing. You're hitting exactly what you need to hit.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 1/3/21 3:05 AM
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YES! You're right, fuck mind boggling one stupid experience or the other.
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Year ago at 1/3/21 3:47 AM
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kiss kiss, lol
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Year ago at 1/3/21 4:03 AM
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Emil Jensen:
YES! You're right, fuck mind boggling one stupid experience or the other.

+1 to what Tim of the Cross said above. That man knows "his Camels" emoticon 

Btw, it's not stupid experience. It is what it is and it's ALL we ever have; try and cherish each moment as it arises. Your guests are arriving at the 6 sense doors. They cjust bract they door and you say their name without pushing them away or giving them a big wet kiss. You just name them with a gentle smile. Acceptance and Clear Comprehanding of all guests contacting your 6 sense doors. There are 6 doors and they are bombarded by guests keen to enter your cool party because you have the best parties in the Dhamma Town. So don't blame the "stupid" guests for wanting to be in such a cool place emoticon emoticon 

1-5 sensations-feelings-Mind states noted per second. Relax the body so it doesn't go into tension. Relaxed body with a mind tensed like a guitar string; tune it too much and the string will snap. Tune it too little and it doesn't make music. Tune it just right in the key of E and off the unfolding of Dhamma music goes; one after the other, the Dhamma notes arise and pass away. 1-5 notes per second for the entire sit ithout laps in mindfulness. Self validating thoughts is a laps in mindfulness (is this near miss or isn't this near miss, is this close to cessation or not) when such are noted then they usually pass away very fast just to be replaced my an itch on your buttocks emoticon 

Practice well and name with acceptance each arising and passing Dhamma guest at your 6 sense doors! 

Best wishes Emil! 
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 1/3/21 8:44 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 1/3/21 8:44 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

Posts: 319 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
Yes! Thank you again, for keeping on tuning in to this log. A lot is happening at the moment and your encouragement and advice is so helpful and energizing!

Enough with the sobbing hehe.It's Dhamma time emoticon

I meditated for over 3 hours yesterday. In the evening I was so jacked up on rapturous energy that I simply HAD to keep sitting to investigate.
I am very much getting over it, but yesterday I was like OMG OMG OMG WOW! I had formation moments where the sense of the observer really felt like it was really gone - just the seen/felt was there. What I saw kinda blew the air out of my lungs and it felt like I turned my insides out a bit.

It felt like I was being pushed closer to the edge of a cliff, dancing an inch away. I could feel that if I could really catch up to the generation of the thin veil of ignorance keeping me in the illusion of being "me", then I could just fall and fall and fall... I don't know. It felt like there was a lot of kindalini type energy just on the verge of exploding.

Today I'm still very excited. I meditated for 45 minutes this morning, some in the train, and just sat for another hour at home.

I don't really know what to write. I feel like I could probably sit here and write for an hour about what has been unravelling for me the past 24 hours but I don't think it will benefit anyone. 

Something short I could write could be this: I feel like I saw so clearly in my meditation yesterday only because of the work I've done so far. I feel that the practice of noting more and more really is the way to go. In my powerful meditation I saw how that's what's needed to generate those formation moments where the three characteristics simply are so clear that it makes you forget how it would be any other way.

Like, all that separates me from seeing through the thin veil is for my awareness to catch up to all the sensations entering my experiential field. The illusion lies in the sensations not seen clearly.
Emil Jensen, modified 1 Year ago at 1/3/21 8:47 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 1/3/21 8:47 AM

RE: Emil's Practice Log

Posts: 319 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts