Jade Lee Practice Log - Discussion
I am a 32 year old male who has been meditating for about 8 years. The immediate side effects were integuiging. I had suffered from anxiety and depression for my whole life. I didn’t realize how bad I was suffering until it came to a head and I was hospitalized at 24. For a couple of months I was on medications and felt like a zombie. It wasn’t working out for me.
I started to meditate using the headspace app and noticed changes in my health very quickly. Not only was I feeling better but my overall being improved. I am a middle school teacher...which takes a lot of patience… I noticed that I was able to have more patience with my students and make more creative lesson plans. In situations where I would be yelling at a student, I had the ability now to take a step back and realize that's not the right move. More importantly I got my mental health under control.
Using headspace has helped me so much, it taught me some meditation techniques and really sparked my interest…..But, I know there is more to meditation than just headspaces guided meditations. I have been trying noting meditation. It is very difficult for me. Noting aloud is WAY different than anything I have done in the past. I am struggling to decide something though. As I am noting, lets say I feel an itch on my face, do I note that and move on? Or should I note it and explore the itch? What are the sensations? Why do I have an itch? What is an itch? While I note should I try and think about nothing or my breath, and whatever comes into my head, note it?
I had a 15 minute sit and was able to calm the mind and let my thoughts and feelings flow. As I was on my cushion I was noting things like feeling, itches, emotions and pressure. Emotions came up I noted between happiness, sadness, anxiousness and more. I then started to think if I should explore those emotions. Should I think about why I felt the happiness emotion or should I just note and move on? Then I noted the fact that I was thinking about noting and still trying to figure out what I am doing.
Jade
I just finished another 15 minute sit. I tried the techniques of welcoming new emotions\sensations, letting them go, moving on to the next emotion so not to miss a new "guest to my party". It worked nicely to keep me in somewhat of a "flow state" and focused on the present sensations. Emotions came, noted them, moved on to the next. It got overwhelming at times when multiple sensations and emotions came up at almost the same time. It was like it took me too long to note them before the next sensation had come and gone. Maybe I am trying to be to precise with the verbalization? I notice that, at times, I am very effective, and can note what feels like everything going on, this lasts maybe 10 seconds. And then other times I am "searching" for sensations. Its like a rolling wave of heightened awareness. it is very pleasant and empowering.
As I was noting I was trying to keep in mind anicca, dukkha and anatta. I sometimes found myself stopping my meditation to focus on the fact that all of these sensations come and go (or maybe that is meditation :blink
. No-self has been very difficult for me to comprehend, let alone note it while I am meditating. I have used this analogy before, but I will say it again. Using this new noting technique feels strenuous to me, like I have fallen off my raft and going down the rapids without a paddle. Each wave is a thought and Im trying to note them while keeping my head above water. The waves never stop coming.
Thanks again for the feedback. Everything is welcome.
. No-self has been very difficult for me to comprehend, let alone note it while I am meditating. Hi Jade, don't worry too much about "no-self" as something comprehensible or conceptual or even "experiential" at this point, beyond the simplest awareness that if you're noting something, it is de facto not self. This is the heart of a technique from Vedanta, "neti, neti," which is often translated as "not this, not this." The idea there is to watch what arises, and with every arising note "neti: [the Self/self/God/Ultimate/whatever] is not this." And then, to return to the 3 characteristics frame, whatever that neti was, there it goes, it's gone, it was transient, so there's anicca. And then if you fret about whether you're getting anatta and anicca right or not, and that makes you miserable, that's dukkha, lol.
I think you might find this compilation of wisdom from Shargrol helpful. If you read from the beginning, there are some great frame-setting considerations for meditation practice, and in general I find this gentle approach of his so helpful; there is wisdom here for every step on the path. A compilation of shargrol's posts at dharmaoverground.org (shargrolpostscompilation.blogspot.com)
I was trying to set the link to go right to some sections on noting practice, but am too inept. apparently, so forgive me for dumping all this here, i just think it's good stuff, and very suited to where you're at right now as your pracice deepens.
Noting
Different styles of Noting. There are lots of different noting styles. Ultimately, the goal is be able to have a technique that allows someone to develop momentary concentration and clarity about what is presently occurring. Lots of ways to miss-use different noting styles, too. Focusing on breath can be dulling if it is used as sort of a mindless mantra and sensations are not seen clearly. Focusing on rapid fire noting could just enhance a busy narrative mind and be superficial. Noting without structure can sometimes lead to an avoidance of certain types of mind objects (e.g., ignoring feelings or not seeing thoughts as thoughts), but Shargrol's structure noting (which actually is very similar to some of Kenneth's teachings) can be too rigid for people past the beginner's stage. My belief is people really don't know a practice well unless they can articulate its downsides, too.
Meditation is like riding a horse --- you want to stay loose in the saddle, but you don't want to fall off. You need relaxation AND alertness. That balance is only something that is learned over time, by hours in the saddle. Same thing with noting practice, it works but it also takes someone willing to put in the time and learn how to balance noting and noticing. It takes hours on the cushion. Shargrol structured noting is really for developing the foundation (or going back to basic for those who over-complicated their noting practice or is less-developed in one of the four categories of mind objects). Mahasi’s Practical Insight Meditation really holds the hand of someone who can notice the nanas showing up in their practice. (DhO)
Shargrol’s Structured Noting Practice Sample. Noting is simple and powerful, and it's okay to dive in if you are ready. The nice thing about noting is it takes you where you need to go. Something really amazing about the mind sort of points the way. The main challenge is that you must get used to (over time) being on the level of direct experience rather than interpreted experience. The more intimately you can be in experience, the more likely the experiences leading to legitimate insights into the nature of experience happen. The more abstracted and intellectualized the relationship with experience, the more likely experience will be shallow and the insights will be somewhat abstracted or intellectualized. This is a whole different domain than philosophy or therapy. The idealized 1+ hour version of a good noting session is:
1. Let mind get settled into practice mode, slowly letting day's thoughts get replaced with the intention to practice.
2. Let the body get settled. Sit. Rock left and right and forward and backward until you find the place of a stable upright spine. Move your head around until it is centered on your shoulders. Move your shoulders back and down so that they are hanging down and resting on your torso. Rotate your elbows without moving your shoulders and rest your hands in your lap. This should be a good comfortable position.
3. Take slightly longer and deeper breaths, just 20% deeper and hold it 20% longer. Start feeling that combination of relaxation and invigoration.
4. Now let the breath do itself normally. While the body breath itself, feel the relaxation of the out breath and count breaths from 1 to 10. If you miss a count, start over again. If you get to ten, start again at one. No big deal, just be honest. If the body can naturally breath itself and the mind can naturally from 1 to 10 three times then the mind is nicely settled. (It’s easy to get this part wrong by using too much effort. Anyone can count breaths if they use a lot of effort, like a soldier counting push-ups. This breath counting should be basically effortless, the body breathes, the mind counts, no effort.)
From this foundation starts the basic noting phase…
5. For 5 to 10 minutes, have the intention to notice sensations in a very intimate and direct way. On each out breath, note just one of the sensations that is present. This is a very easy rate (10 to 12 times a minute or so) which leaves plenty of time for directly noticing sensations. The mental note is a way to see if you haven’t entered a trance of sorts. If you slip into a trance and are lost in thought or are in a trance and forget to note, then simply note what was distracting you, give yourself a “good job!” feeling for returning to mindfulness, and start noticing sensations again.
6. Next slowly switch into urges and emotions. For 5 to 10 minutes, switch to urges and emotions in the same way. Urges are like little non-verbal motivational intentions that rise up, usually clinging/greed or aversion/resistance. Emotions are longer lasting non-verbal moods or feelings (different than the momentary sensations). If you slip into a trance and are lost in thought or are in a trance and forget to note, then simply note what was distracting you, give yourself a “good job!” feeling for returning to mindfulness, and start noticing urges and emotions again.
7. Next slowly switch into thoughts. For 5 to 10 minutes, switch to “categories of thought” in the same way. In this step you don’t become imbedded in thinking, but you don’t stop it either. You let your mind think the way it naturally does, but you pay attention to it as thinking, and on every outbreath you note the general category of thoughts you are having. You might be planning your day, thinking about the past, worried about making progress, doubting the effectiveness of the method, etc. Perfect! You would simply note “planning thoughts”, “remembering thoughts”, “worrying thoughts”, “doubting thoughts”, etc. You can make up your own categories or style of labels. If you slip into a trance and are lost in thought or are in a trance and forget to note, then simply note what was distracting you, give yourself a “good job!” feeling for returning to mindfulness, and start noticing categories of thought again.
8. At this point, the mind is now very good at being mindful and discriminating (in the good “distinguishing” sense) between sensations, urges, emotions, and thoughts. Now for 5 to 10 minutes, let yourself note any one of these things while you let your body and mind do what it wants. This is basically freestyle noting. If you slip into a trance and are lost in thought or are in a trance and forget to note, then simply note what was distracting you, give yourself a “good job!” feeling for returning to mindfulness, and start noticing and noting again.
This all sounds very easy, but very few people are capable of following the instructions above. Most people jump into freestyle noting, which is totally fine, but you need to be honest and admit if you are having any difficulty with any of the four categories of mind objects. You can't go wrong with checking in on all four before freestyling. But if one of the categories of sensations, urges, emotions, or thoughts is more difficult, you might want to spend more time on it. It might be you spend focused time on sensations and thoughts before going freestyle if you are already good with urges and emotions. . It might be that you need to spend a lot of time on urges or emotions before going freestyle. Etc. Basically, you are trying to design a practice that uncovers what is non-conscious or confused in your experience and what kinds of stuff you avoid by going into a mindless trance. Again, the path and goal is at the level of direct, intimate, visceral experience, including the direct experiencing of thoughts as thoughts. Definitely a different domain than therapy or philosophy (but obviously it supports both of those).
Now for the next phase….
9. Now simply sit for 5 minutes without applying any techniques. Let the mind transition from a practicing mind to a normal mind. Notice what observations from practice linger and what you might want to bring with you off cushion. What can you work on off-cushion during your normal life?
10. Dedicate merit
11. And now let the effort of practice go. It is important to have not practicing time to let the mind non-consciously digest what happens during practice. Yes, it’s okay to work on some stuff off-cushion, but don’t become neurotic or obsessive. Just like with physical exercise, you actually build muscle/mindfulness during your recovery from your workouts/meditation. Sleep is really important, too. Strange things can happen overnight in terms of developing awareness, attention, mindfulness, subtle distinguishing, etc.
The last thing I’ll say is that the direct and intimate experience of sensations, urges, emotions, and thoughts are like a gateway. We assume we know what these things are, but honestly we really don’t. If you can simply have the direct experience of these things, then some amazing progress is made and the seemingly mythical progress described in the traditions all makes sense. And practice does lead to nanas, jhanas, cessations, and awakening. Yes, don’t crave these experiences, but also don’t write them off as unimportant. You’ll be amazed at the powerful experiences that do happen. But the gateway to all of this is simply intimately and directly experiencing sensations, urges, emotions, and thoughts. Don’t underestimate the power of doing these very simple practices. Also use caution with these very simple practices, the results can be destabilizing.
In the same way that you tear muscle to build it back to become stronger, you tear apart confusions (fused-with-ness) about experience so that your mind grows clearer.
This was one of the toughest points of my life. It's great that you are practicing through it. I didn't start practicing until my oldest was 6 and I can see now that had I started practicing earlier, I would have passed less of my stuff onto him. Seriously, respect for doing this now and good luck. 
me have a 5 year old son and another boy coming in about 2 months! I stopped using nicotine 2 weeks ago and am sensing all sorts of restless and emotional patterns. So not to loose my shit I'm warming up towards the idea of practicing more Calm-abiding and less Noting.
Noting can be very edgy
if you know what I mean. It's cool stuff for plowing through insight territory but at times there is need for healing instead and calming some agitated fidgeting inner child might be better done with calm abiding than letting it plow through Samsara night and day Sorry just rumbling here!
All the best to you and anyone else in this thread of yourn'
Also, you should be honored that Papa Che said this on YOUR log thread!
if you know what I mean. It's cool stuff for plowing through insight territory but at times there is need for healing instead and calming some agitated fidgeting inner child might be better done with calm abiding than letting it plow through Samsara night and day Don't tell anybody he said it, though. It can be our secret, right Papa Che?