.

Well, welcome back to noting and DhO! I was wondering where you had gone. Best wishes in your practice going forward

Welcome back! You might want to read the last few posts by Olivier posted in Sam's log. It might be useful for you, aloud or silent, might be of benefit! 

Best wishes!  

Don't waste time with the guilt. Its only hurting you and possibly contributing to doubt. Everyone misses a session once in a while. I did yesterday. Just get on with it!

"Each word coming out of my mouth felt really hard to spit out and took a lot of effort."

This sounds familiar. Also hard to note that "resistance, disqust, aversion, misery" towards certain objects while it's happening. 

There will come time in your practice where there is no other way to deal with such unpleasant arisings but to face it all with utter acceptance in all its utter unpleasant glory. Yes, to the point of utter misery and utter disgust in the midst of the tornado of unpleasantness. 

But yes, raised voice with a miserable face expression might help go through the entire session. It's ok to just note Unpleasant, misery, disqust, sadness, self pity, fear, helpless, unpleasant, in such a situation. 

Best wishes!

Good luck with the exams! (Well, we all know it's not luck but the amount of study invested so, study well ) 

Sounds like 3 solid sits. Good job!

Glad to see you you back. Practicing 2-3 hours a day is pretty hardcore outside of retreat! Your plan with noting and concentration sounnds good. May you practice well.

That sounds like good stuff; off cushion remembering to be awake in the experience is lovely! Also please do not beat your self with silent vs aloud noting I think your plan is very sound, to start building the energy and flow with aloud noting and then see how it goes, however I really dont see what the difference is in being awake in the moment while opening the mouth and being awake in the moment with a closed mouth Satipatthana can be applied in any and all postures or situations, walking, talking, sitting, driving, typing, deficating, looking, smelling, ... etc ... 

As you are finding time to sit up to 3 hours a day, maybe try and do one hour with 100% Noting ALOUD and the other two by starting with noting and see how the energy and flow are behaving and switch as you see fit? This way you dont get unsure for that one hour out of the 3.

​​​​​​​Best wishes to you Louis!

This is something only you can really answer, so how about sitting with that question for a while?! I remember getting some good insights wrestling with such practice related questions 

During my work with Kenneth Folk I would report once a month and would only tell him about what really stood out as important. He never asked about a daily or weekly report. And I was not stressing about it either. What has passed has passed ;D 
As long the sitting took place and I've kept noting throughout it was a win. Report or not report The sit actually happened and I was not being lost in La-la Land during it. Score! Mara 0 - 1 Buddha  
I just sat today in freestyle noting aloud for a 45er and you came to mind a few times sending much Metta your way! 

Thanks for the gratitude Louis. As you know, I've increased my concentration too. May you practice well

Have had many sits exactly like that unpleasent and dull, lots of pain. Don't be hopeless and defeated. Its impermanant. It doesn't mean it will be like this the next time. That's right, acceptance and faith.

you said it well acceptance of all experience and faith in the practice. Well done on seeing clearly how that restless urge to get up unfolds! You are doing great! Dukkha is a very good motivator I find. Whenever I would hit some heavy states/stages the daily sits would increase.

​​​​​​​Best wishes to you Louis!

Did somebody say they were buying the drinks?

Now THAT's good practice! I accept, with faith. Thank you, Louis! May these pints help all sentient beings, especially those drinking them.

Is the "desire for this all to end" mean for the meditation session to end or life? This is a long shot but  I felt like this when  I was in the Desire for Delliverance stage of the Dark Night Do you know where you're at in the POI? 
You shouldn't have to stop practice. Just be with what you're experiencing.

Classic dark night (3rd vipassana jhana) attentional effect where the centre loses focus and everything feels like it's out on the periphery ("sitting in the hole of the donut" as Daniel says in MCTB). The key is accepting that you can't focus sharply on stuff any more and embracing the diffuse "edginess", then it passes.

​​​​​​​Maybe some therapy might help for the depression? No need to suffer in silence.

Lots of sadness and agitation. Feelings of wanting to renounce the world and sit in a cave forever lol. During the sits attention is very unstable and it feels like I can't lock onto anything even when using "there is" in front of notings. Just being awake to the present moment is feeling very agitating and there is desire for this all to end. Maybe I am slightly burning out and need to chill but who knows. 

I understand your inclination to not paint yourself into a particular corner on the PoI map(s), but this is pretty classic dark night stuff. I think you should probably renounce the world and go sit in a cave forever, lol. 

Seriously, you're already in the cave, and you renounce "the world" every time you wake up again to the present moment. The unstable attention, unable to lock on to anything, the loss of substance in the "there is" in front of notings, and the accompanying agitation: this is the dissolution, and the fear, and the disgust. It's dawning on the self that the three characteristics are true: this shit IS transient, dukkha-making, and without a stable center of self in charge of it all. It's visceral, in the dukkha nanas, your entire being is getting the news, and there's no hand-hold or safety net, nothing to cling to, nothing to stabilize the attention, nowhere to stabilize the attention. The dark night is the freak out time when we realize the depth and truth of what we've sort of been saying all along, like the cartoon character when he runs off a cliff and stands there in thin air for a moment before he gets it. The miracle of meditation practice is that it dissolves not only the cliff, but the fall: no cliff to stand on, no place to fall. It was like this all along. What the fuck does THAT mean?! And how will I be able to do the dishes?

You're actually doing great. Remember your vow to buy the drinks for all sentient beings. A lot of people have to stick around for eons even after they've disappeared entirely into fathomless nothingness, just to pay off their bar tabs.

In my experience my self still exists, just not in the way I previously thought of it, which was more neurotic, so my relationship with it has changed (and is still changing). Definitely fear and anxiety can be a part of that process, but it's  all good, even if it feels the opposite sometimes. 

FWIW, I do my counting the breaths/concentration before noting and it helps relax me. I also keep my eyes closed all session too and that helps me with distractions. Let me know if it makes a difference

Awesome!

Yeah Louis I think the samatha sounds like a good idea - help you get more in touch with what's going on in your body and out of your head for a bit. I found Leigh Brasington's book Right Concentration really helpful at first, especially the bits on how to arouse piti (pleasant sensation) if you haven't already. Then there's also Ajahn Brahm's Mindfulness, Bliss and Beyond which is more advanced but full of practical stuff, plus I like his YouTube talks cause he's a lovely guy who really transmits how joyful and beautiful meditating can be.