Well, welcome back to noting and DhO! I was wondering where you had gone. Best wishes in your practice going forward

Welcome back! You might want to read the last few posts by Olivier posted in Sam's log. It might be useful for you, aloud or silent, might be of benefit! 

Best wishes!  

Thank you for the warm welcome back Sam and Papa Che! Today I meditated for 2.5 hours (1x one hour sit and 2x 45 minute sits). Started the first sit with some concentration on the breathe, counting up to 10 and back over and then began noting after around 10 minutes or so. Can't really remember much about this sit. The second and third sits I decided to just go with pure noting aloud, and set an intention to keep the noting going for the entire session without any lapses. The first 45er was very concentrated and had some calm and relaxation. Lots of numbness in the bum and pain in the lower back but these were met with acceptance. Also high pitch frequency in the ears. Also felt a very pleasant set of vibrations in the third eye region. The final sit was filled with a lot more impatience and also tiredness. Decided to stand up and continue the noting without lapse for around 15 minutes until the energy came back. Kept with whispering for both of the sits as I could focus better this way. Probably around 2-3 sensations a second in both 45'ers. So yeah, first day back to noting aloud went well! 

I know I haven't updated this log for a while. However since then I still have been practicing every day for 2-3 hours on average. I was experimenting with silent noting again rather than the classic out loud noting and I did make some progress but did get quite frustrated with spacing out here or there. I have now realised that I shouldn't be so limiting. From now on I am going to start sits with noting aloud as per usual, but if i feel concentration building very high I will swap to silent noting and gear change if required. Not too sure where I am on the POI, but I won't worry about it for now. Just gonna continue noting. Oh yeah another thing I have been experimenting with is bringing noting into daily life a lot more which is new for me. Before I really overlooked practicing off the cushion, but now I see the benefit of throwing in some noting here or there when walking, eating, drinking, falling asleep, showering, etc. Even when using the computer I will sometimes internally note "moving","clicking","seeing","sitting" and so on. 

That sounds like good stuff; off cushion remembering to be awake in the experience is lovely! Also please do not beat your self with silent vs aloud noting I think your plan is very sound, to start building the energy and flow with aloud noting and then see how it goes, however I really dont see what the difference is in being awake in the moment while opening the mouth and being awake in the moment with a closed mouth Satipatthana can be applied in any and all postures or situations, walking, talking, sitting, driving, typing, deficating, looking, smelling, ... etc ... 

As you are finding time to sit up to 3 hours a day, maybe try and do one hour with 100% Noting ALOUD and the other two by starting with noting and see how the energy and flow are behaving and switch as you see fit? This way you dont get unsure for that one hour out of the 3.

​​​​​​​Best wishes to you Louis!

Today I managed to sit for 2 hours and 35 minutes (2x 1 hour sessions of noting aloud and also a 35 minute session). 

To summarise the sits, they went well. The final sit was supposed to be an hour but I cut it short and went to work out as it was already super late in the evening and was too drained. The first two sits were good. Lots of pain in the bum and lower back which were noted and met with acceptance, some logging thoughts here and there simply noted as "thinking", also a few stream entry thoughts which were labelled as "thinking" and "craving". I also noticed at one point there was a strong sort of pressure or cluster of vibrations around the third eye region which was pleasant. I noted "striving" a few times as I could feel that dancer who wants SE going nuts as the noting sped up. Sometimes I would say "who is talking" to throw in a little bit of inquiry but noting was kept steady. I would say 1-2 sensations a second on average and at some points this increased to 3-4. In both sits towards the end I swapped to silent noting and experimented with no noting at all. I could only do this once the level of momentary concentration was very high. So yeah that is all!

I also have to ask you all a question. Which do you think would be the best way to spend an hour sit? Start with 15 minutes of concentration practice such as breath counting or just go pure noting for the duration of the hour? What do y'all think? 

Today I sat for 2 hours and 45 minutes:

I started the day with a 45 minute session of freestyle noting aloud. The sit was filled with lots of boredom and negativity, however I tried my best to fully accept these sensations and noted any aversion that came up. Lots of pain in the body especially in the lower back and hip area, definitely a lot of doubt coming up too, but i managed to keep up with noting 1-2 sensations for the entire sit. I did start with open eyes and stared at the wall and switched to closed eyes when it felt appropiate. The next two sits where an hour long and both started with 15 minutes of concentration practice, just counting the breaths to 10 and then repeating until the interval timer chimed in. Then the rest of the sit was finished with 45 minutes of freestyle noting aloud. I remember in the first sit the voice was very quiet and noting was extremely fast, maybe up to 5 times a second at some points but probably around 2-3 on average. The second sit was similar but I decided to try it laying down on my bed as I was sick of the pain in the bum and back from sitting on that dreaded wooden stool lol. I made sure to use "there is" at the beggining of notes to ensure there was clarity even when there was tiredness kicking in from laying down and once it was dropped I made sure that the voice was loud enough to reduce spacing out. I think today went well. Hard to remember specifics about each sit, how do you all do it?!

During my work with Kenneth Folk I would report once a month and would only tell him about what really stood out as important. He never asked about a daily or weekly report. And I was not stressing about it either. What has passed has passed ;D 
As long the sitting took place and I've kept noting throughout it was a win. Report or not report The sit actually happened and I was not being lost in La-la Land during it. Score! Mara 0 - 1 Buddha  
I just sat today in freestyle noting aloud for a 45er and you came to mind a few times sending much Metta your way! 

Haha you are right! A sit done is a sit won!! Sending you my best wishes Papa Che

Only going to be posting now if i feel some clear shifts taking place in practice. For now I am just going full speed ahead with 45er sessions of freestyle noting aloud. I also look at something across the room to add some concentration in the mix and close them later in the session if there is the urge. So much gratitude for people like Papa Che and Sam on this site, looking back on their old logs gives me so much motivation for practice and is super inspiring. Feeling very light for the past few days, a lot better of a feeling than the usual hard sadness I am in, who knows could be low EQ but who cares lol. Thank you all for helping me on this journey. 

Thanks for the gratitude Louis. As you know, I've increased my concentration too. May you practice well

Yes Sam I am still looking at your logs and your practice seems to be going very well! I think I may be in low EQ territory as of right now, for the last few days I have only felt the need to practice for an hour and a half which is really strange for me. Usually I am constnatly pushing as hard as I can as there is always this subtle feeling of sadness/suffering that is motivating me to practice hard. I can definitely feel those weights lifting. In todays second sit the noting was very slow and the voice was very subtle and quiet, many pleasant vibrations and overall a feeling of coolness and peace, not the usual feeling of striving what so ever. Maybe my 630 hours of practice is finally paying off for me, who knows? All I can do is pay attention to that stream of samsara. wohooo

Had time today to sit 3x45 minute sessions of freestyle noting aloud:

All of the sits were very unpleasant and dull. Lots of pain in the body, especially in the arse and in the lower back region. Lots of tiredness and dullness and also impatience. I can see the image impression of the timer and the number "45" in the image space as well as an image of me getting up off the chair. This impression has a very strong pull and is hard to resist. Overally very much hopeless and defeated, but will keep going of course! Sending all the metta I have to people who walk this path, it feels like a bar fight and you have dukkha and anicca ready to knock you onto your sorry arse at any given moment. Acceptance and faith in this journey is the only solution

Thank you guys I really appreciate your words of kindness, really helps in those times of doubt that I got the dharma boys backing me in the bar fight! Don't worry guys, pints are on me tonight

Did somebody say they were buying the drinks?

Now THAT's good practice! I accept, with faith. Thank you, Louis! May these pints help all sentient beings, especially those drinking them.

So far sat twice today. Lots of sadness and agitation. Feelings of wanting to renounce the world and sit in a cave forever lol. During the sits attention is very unstable and it feels like I can't lock onto anything even when using "there is" in front of notings. Just being awake to the present moment is feeling very agitating and there is desire for this all to end. Maybe I am slightly burning out and need to chill but who knows. 

I am not too sure where I am in the POI, I try not to diagnose myself too much as I find it to be more of a hinderance figuring out where I am rather than just paying attention to the present moment. And I am not suicidal but have had suicidal thoughts come up here and then, just see them as more sensations. Definitely been feeling depressed and somewhat depersonalized for the last few days but I assume it is nothing major as Ive had this come up before. 

Thanks for the reply George I really appreciate it. Yeah definitely feels like dark night but sometimes I wonder if I've even crossed the A&P yet. I mean I have had over 650 hours of practice now which feels like it should be long enough lol. And I have definitely had a few memorable moments where my mind literally fell off really far in the background and all that was left was the awareness of some intense vibrations. But definitely nothing too crazy like some of the stories I've heard from some. Who knows. But it definitely feels like I've been cycling around the DN for a couple of months at least. Maybe have hit low EQ a few times but not too sure. I don't see no reason in worrying about it too much as it's just more distraction from thisness unfolding moment by moment. And yeah maybe some therapy would help lol

Lots of sadness and agitation. Feelings of wanting to renounce the world and sit in a cave forever lol. During the sits attention is very unstable and it feels like I can't lock onto anything even when using "there is" in front of notings. Just being awake to the present moment is feeling very agitating and there is desire for this all to end. Maybe I am slightly burning out and need to chill but who knows. 

I understand your inclination to not paint yourself into a particular corner on the PoI map(s), but this is pretty classic dark night stuff. I think you should probably renounce the world and go sit in a cave forever, lol. 

Seriously, you're already in the cave, and you renounce "the world" every time you wake up again to the present moment. The unstable attention, unable to lock on to anything, the loss of substance in the "there is" in front of notings, and the accompanying agitation: this is the dissolution, and the fear, and the disgust. It's dawning on the self that the three characteristics are true: this shit IS transient, dukkha-making, and without a stable center of self in charge of it all. It's visceral, in the dukkha nanas, your entire being is getting the news, and there's no hand-hold or safety net, nothing to cling to, nothing to stabilize the attention, nowhere to stabilize the attention. The dark night is the freak out time when we realize the depth and truth of what we've sort of been saying all along, like the cartoon character when he runs off a cliff and stands there in thin air for a moment before he gets it. The miracle of meditation practice is that it dissolves not only the cliff, but the fall: no cliff to stand on, no place to fall. It was like this all along. What the fuck does THAT mean?! And how will I be able to do the dishes?

You're actually doing great. Remember your vow to buy the drinks for all sentient beings. A lot of people have to stick around for eons even after they've disappeared entirely into fathomless nothingness, just to pay off their bar tabs.

Yes reading this reply is actually quite funny because as of recent I have been experiencing somehwhat of an existential fear that comes up sometimes as I feel that my so called "self" has deeply realised that it doesn't exist and is bringing up fear as a reaction. And yes you're right all drinks must be served no matter what! Forward!

Managed to transmute some dukkha into power today in my home gym after two difficult sits today. I got 100kg on bench press for 6 reps!!! I haven't done that in ages so was very pleased

Anyways, today I sat two 45 minute sessions of freestyle noting aloud with eyes open gazing at a kasina object. In general there is lots of negativity and sadness, the notes feel hard to get out, feels like attention can't lock onto anything at all and it just jumps all over the place. In general all of the sensations feel very murky and not so well visible, I feel myself becoming uncertain a lot during the sit as to whether I am even noting matter of fact or just in a trance and speaking (I do note this uncertainty). I manage to keep around 1-2 sensations for the duration of the sits although at one point today I stopped for probably 30 seconds as there was so much misery and ugh-ness haha. But I gave myself a kick up the arse and jumped back into noting until the bell rang. There feels as if there is some definite tension in the upper region of the torso and even in the lower abdomen. Lots and lots of doubt coming up as if I am even doing this thing right or am I just wasting my time? (all noted as "thinking" or "doubt"). Off cushion the mind feels quite crazy as if there is some sort of war going on. Lots of thoughts about past traumas and relationships coming up, as well as some of my insecurities about myself making a nice appearance. My guess is that I hit Low EQ and slid back down into the dukkha nanas for whatever reason but no biggy as I am not trying to escape these nanas as if something is wrong. As hard as it is I am trying to bring kindness and acceptance to all these negative sensations. So my question to you folk is, do you think doing two 45 minute sessions of freestyle noting aloud is good enough to keep me sailing in the right direction in the vast ocean of samsara? Should I maybe try and up the sits? My second question is do you think I need to add a separate samatha only session to gain more conecntration? or is gazing at a kasina during noting aloud likely doing the job? I know you lot are probably gonna say only you can figure this out but just gimme something! Even if you tell me I'm a stupid fuck and all i have to do is just sit my arse on that cushion and deal with it! Thank you all for your kindness and support so far in this log, I appreciate you all infinitely <3

Also I think I am gonna have a go at doing 15 minutes of samatha, just counting the breath from 1-10 and back again before the 45 minutes of freestyle noting aloud, so that the entire session will be an hour. Also gonna try and keep eyes closed the whole session and see if there is any difference, not a big deal just thought i'd throw it in there lol

Hey Sam, I have sat two hour sessions today doing 15 mins of breath counting before the 45 mins noting (with eyes closed the whole time) and I definitely felt more relaxed Gonna stick with this for now and see what happens!

Awesome!

As of right now I am continuing practice with two 45 minute sessions of freestyle noting aloud and 30 minutes of samatha separatley. The difference though is that as of recently I have set the intention to note to the best of my ability throughout the day when I remember to, as I realised that I may be sprinting through the nanas during formal sitting but cycling back down when I am off the cushion due to a loss of momentum. So when I am walking I will note "left", "right", "left", "right" and so on. Using my pc I am noting "moving" (the mouse), "clicking" (the mouse), "seeing" (the screen) and so on. Noting body sensations as best as I can, also trying my best to note whilst I am eating and drinking and just lying in bed. It is very hard to start with but I can see how this is very possible to get the hang of. By the way all of the noting going on off the cushion is mental as compared to out loud during formal practice. Not too sure where I am on the POI as of right now, had a very tough week last week but things seem to be getting better, dunno man haha. Oh yeah I am also trying to throw in some enquiry throughout the day, if I note "boredom" or "sadness" I will think "who is bored?", "who is sad?", or "who is seeing?"