First, a little background. I was raised Presbytarian and first came to Eastern spirituality and Buddhism in particular in my very early 20s and have practiced various forms of meditation discontinuously ever since. Over the years I've had a number of increasingly intense experiences both in and out of meditation. In 2016 in particular I had a mind stopping event that, by my own understanding of the terminology, established me in nirvana for several days, at least, and a hightened state of consciousness for months following that including many "magical" type experiences. I have walked my path mostly alone, which is okay, except that precious few people around me have the first idea what is going on with me and keep trying to hand me back over to psychiatry even though all it can really do with me is shrug its shoulders, so my purpose with this post is to connect with more people who understand these things and accept them as real and to locate a more methodical approach to what is happening with me.

My overall trajectory has, like my practice, been quite discontinuous, developing in cycles which I now, thanks to Daniel's appearance on RevLeft Radio, understand to be quite natural. After "coming down from the mountain top," so to speak, from 2017-18, I entered a period of increasing depression and directionlessness.

Beginning in mid-December of last year after sustaining a new meditative practice for several weeks I entered a new period of intense spiritual experience. Since the details could fill a book, I'll just say this culimnated in attainment to the breathless state (by my experience, under the direction and guidance of God) and an intense subsequent revelation of my own immortality as a divine being plus the fully determined nature of my mortal life. Since that time, I have been oscilating back and forth between heightened awareness of myself and my life as something already accomplished in the mind of God and my old, increasingly tenuous and confused (and variably frightful), egoic perception of myself as a seperate mind with free will which might somehow make a mistake.

I'll add that my overall experience seems to be reasonably characterized by the term "dark night of the soul" as it included many deeply confusing, often terrifying, sometimes very painful events. There is also a voice which often speaks through or to me acting as a frequent guide offering insight, guidance, encouragement, wisdom, and prophecy I know not from where though the voice is typically my own.

I'm curious where all of this places me on the path, if there are good resources out there about experiences similar to mine, and some advice on what specific practices I might implement to further my development as the current situation of being "between two worlds" is often quite painful. Any help is appreciated and the thanks for reading.

Hi Cameron, thanks for sharing your experiences. A lot of this stuff is fairly common on the path - heightened states of consciousness, magical experiences, experience of seeing the mind of god, experience of manifesting as a divine being, experience of being guided by a voice, and feeling painfully torn between two worlds. Certain types of awakening experience could also be classified as psychosis by people who don't have experience with this kind of stuff. A lot depends on what you share with whom, as well of course whether you take actions which alarm others. Very hard to say where you might be without knowing more about your practice. At the very least you had some very powerful A&P (Arising & Passing) experiences followed by a good old dark night. A more methodical approach as you say would probably help you to integrate your experiences more and bridge the two worlds. What was the "nirvana" experience like?

George thank you for you reply. It is comforting and validating to know that I'm not alone in these experiences.

Nirvana was absolutely beautiful. The analytic mind was completely silent and I found myself standing in a silent world bursting with life. The imaginary nature of every conventional problem was obvious and the way humans ordinarily conduct themselves was equally obviously insane and tragic. I was mopping floors and cleaning up after the dog in the yard in a state of pure bliss. That said, I think I understand what Buddha meant when he called it a "nightmare of daytime." It is brilliant and shining and clear but impossible to convey and doesn't really resolve the longing to share the experience with others or somehow help them see which is what ultimately brought me back.

Sounds like a heavenly experience, thanks for sharing. Glad you came back!