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Dharma Diagnostic Clinic, aka "What was that?"

Don't know what to think of my experience, A&P crossing?

Hello,

after some studying of MCTP, I have read the beginning, inclusive the three characteristics. And MCTP 4 & 5, with A&P and the dark night / dissolution chapter. Also the text about the A&P phase, I'm relatively sure I wasn't in it, at least for long.

Maybe it's wishful thinking and a lot of backward rationalization with new lingo, but I did some Impermanence observation in my meditation: Not that I noticed any vibrations, but I focused on the emergence and vanishing of sensations, inclusive thought (or talk). What I realized in the meditation was that "our moment-to-moment experience will not permanently satisfy ever". Or at least that I wasn't capable of reaching satisaction now. In the Suffering chapter it says "boredom [...] is usually aversion to suffering in disguise". So I was both bored and suffering. The watcher was strong while the meditation process, "he" told "me" not to stop meditating, even when bored. Maybe that was the moment "it" collapsed.

Put it down there before, maybe it's the wrong section?
http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/2254016

Another testimony of A&P crossing:
"I myself felt oddly huge, out of proportion, watching myself somehow, from a perspective of great distance."
http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2010/12/if-this-is-indeed-a-p-congratulation.html

This hugeness feeling, and perspective of great distance I had as a child. Maybe it was more of a great distance to the outside world, then it was a great distance to me, or maybe it was both...

Some years ago I also had this feeling away moment, I did some focusing on it with my ex, who is a psychologist. But I can't remember so much what came out of it. I don't know if it was earlyer or after that, that I had a short moment of unity while meditating. I focused on not thinking, and for a brink of a moment I didn't think, or at least it didn't feel like it. It felt like unity for me. Have to think about that and read about it now but I have different things in my head at this moment.


SIXTEEN INSIGHT KNOWLEDGES

D. Ubbengapiti: This is thrilling rapture, and its characteristics are as follows:-
1. Your body feels light, it feels tall or that the body is lifting off the floor.
2. Feeling itchy, like insects are moving on the face and over the body.
3. Having strong diarrhea, or diarrhea and dysentery.
4. The head is nodding to the front or to the back.
5. Feeling as if you are being pushed, and falling to the front or back.
6. Feeling as if the head is being held and spun around.
7. Feeling the mouth opening and closing.
8. Feeling vibrating, shaking, rolling, and swaying of the body as if you are a tree being blown around.
9. The body feels as if it is falling head over heels
10. The body feels as if it falls down and then gets back up.
11.The body moves, hands or feet lift.
12. The body feels like it is lying down to the front or to the back.
13. Seeing the color of cream, or cream mixed with other colors.
14. The hands feel as if they turn over. For example, if the hands are facing upwards they turn down and vise versa.
15. While sitting, it feels like the body is shaking as if reed grasses are being blown.

I felt huge and super light.
I felt as if my head was pulled to the front, heading down, but I think it was only slightly, like "normal" meditation.
I felt feeling down, endlessly.
Maybe the colour was cream

http://www.watbuddhaoregon.com/view_forums/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=171

All this stuff is getting over my head, maybe now fear sets in.emoticon A friend of mine told me, it is not "safe" to meditate intense alone without proper guiding. But in this moment I was dedicated, I just wanted to kick it hard. It would be nice of you to help me understand myself!

Bevore it, I dreamed a lot more lucid than normal. I did some ACEM meditation and this feeling positive feeling stuff, but it was not much compared to the standards here. In ACEM you have a meditation "word" you "talk to yourself" repeatedly. I had this question about it, how you internally "say" it louder or if you would "listen" to it more concentrated. Points to duality, right?

Now I am a little bit more "in my head" everything is more far away. I need a lot of sleep. But it doesn't feel so dark, just that I don't know whats going on, or what was going on.

Sorry for my "I" centeredness in this post, maybe "I" ;) will change sometimes.