RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

Siavash's Practice Log 6

Posts: 1212 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
To continue the practice and life log. May it be of benefit to someone.
(Switching to this new thread earlier this time since it's getting more difficult to navigate the other one.)

About this name:
I notice that people have difficulty spelling and pronouncing my name, which is totally expected. I included a voxifier video if anyone is interested in the correct pronounciation:
It's pronounced like:
See-ya-vash

Log history:

This is the initial part on fire kasina:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13223904

1st:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13519742

2nd:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/17421695

3rd:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/20832167

4th:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/21689099

5th:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/22192593

------------------------

Wednesday, March 10, 2021, 10:49 PM

This is the same obsession that I talked about in the other thread, that I didn't wait to create this thread until I have a full update, and when the discomfort sets in, it tends to lead to some action!
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Chris Marti, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Siavash, did you add those tags?
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Chris Marti
Siavash, did you add those tags?


I guess they existed before, I don't remember. Probably I had added some of them in the older log threads, but now they all exist, I just typed them and then chose from the suggestions popup that showed up after typing them. 
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Pepe, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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I notice that people have difficulty spelling and pronouncing my name, which is totally expected. I included a voxifier video if anyone is interested in the correct pronounciation: It's pronounced like: See-ya-vash 

That's really cool ! Spanish is the least sofisticated language regarding vocals sounds, so to me it sounds like "Siovash". But as "sh" is not available in Spanish, you would be Siovás emoticon 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Pepe
That's really cool ! Spanish is the least sofisticated language regarding vocals sounds, so to me it sounds like "Siovash". But as "sh" is not available in Spanish, you would be Siovás emoticon 

emoticon

This name is written, spelled and pronounced in several different forms in our languages here. Is comes from Avesta, and is the name of one of the warriors-princes in Shahnameh (The book of kings, or The best of the books depending on how you interpret its name) of Ferdowsi. That prince in our culture is the icon of honesty and chastity, that was a martyr and got killed because he didn't want to cheat and lie and break his promise, and was rejected by his father that was a powerful king. There is a kind of tulip that is named after his name, and is said that it grew on the place where he got killed, from his blood. In some areas of this country(Iran) there is a ritual that people gather and use that tulips and mourn his death. It's all legendary and pre-historic, so there is no clear history about any of that. Probably all of it was before Achaemenid dynasty (2500-3000 years ago roughly). In my childhood it was my dream to go and find those people and where they lived and things they used!

The way I write it in English, which is the more common form people use these days, is not the original form. Original form is harder to pronounce, it would be: Siavokhsh, or Siavoush or Siavosh. In my mother tongue which is Azerbaijani, we often use the Siavoush (see-yaa-vu-sh) pronunciation, but in Farsi we mostly use Siavash. So even here, there is not one form for spelling and pronouncing it!

Sorry for too much details!​​​​​​​ 
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Pepe, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Not too many details at all, dear Siavokhsh. Besides, I can now boast that I know someone connected to a warrior-prince back in the Great Flood times emoticon​​​​​​​  
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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emoticon emoticon
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Noble warrior, icon of honesty, willing to die for his principles and defy the powerful king ... I see some similarities with your namesake, although this story has a much happier ending ... emoticon​​​​​​​
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 The first time that I heard his story, I was in elementary school, and its ending made me very angry and sad, because I thought it was foolish how he died. He had a peace agreement with a king that was the main enemy of his father and his country, but that king which then had become his father-in-law after the agreement, broke that agreement and initiated a war against him, but he said I won't break it, we had a peace agreement and I won't touch my sword (something like that-- despite the fact that he had defeated that king (Afrasiab) before and he himself was a great warrior), and he just stood their, they brought him down of his horse and cut off his head. I still think it was foolish, but I guess Ferdowsi needed a character to make an icon out of it. I can think of dying to save other lives, but dying for values? I am not sure that I'd do anything like that or would want someone else to do that.

(--Edit: Of course there are extereme cases in life, which I think most of us can't know what we would do beforehand if such things happen to us.)

You are seeing the glass half full let's say emoticon .
 
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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I was thinking of "dying" in a more metaphorical sense, like being reborn in the dharma or something emoticon​​​​​​​
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Aaw. Thanks for clarifying.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Thursday, March 11, 2021, 9:10 AM

Similar to the last 2-3 days, for the formal sitting I tried to relax the body, monitor its subtle movements and keep relaxing the many contractions that arose in the muscles, tried to bring a hint of smiling to my face, and pay attention to the relaxation and possible pleasant sensations.

Similar to the last few days there were some brief spreads of tingling over parts of the body and some strong energetics at the base of spine, although this time the energetics were stronger, and the relaxation in parts of the body were a little deeper, and toward the end I felt that the concentration was deeper, I was hearing the sounds from neighbor's house as if it's in the other room of my house or maybe closer. Toward the end there was pain in the base of spine that became too strong and I had to end the sit. It went away after getting up.

At some point sleepiness arose but without losing clarity. For a number of times I noticed understanding something, or a perception, in the form of just images and without any mental talks. Forgot most of them though. One was that I had a few images that was about a person that I think is cautious about sharing personal details because they are afraid of people's judgments, and the vague images were that, that person puts a big fridge in front of a door. That meant that the door was the entrance to their personal world, and the big fridge was their unwillingness. Another was an image of these little flowers that I put into my tea, and I had the perception that I want them to get fully immersed inside the water, that meant that I want the sensations of relaxation and pleasantness spread over my whole body and to have my body immersed in relaxation/pleasantness.
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Samadhanga Sutta: The Factors of Concentration (AN 5.28)

Just as in a blue-, white-, or red-lotus pond, there may be some of the blue, white, or red lotuses which, born and growing in the water, stay immersed in the water and flourish without standing up out of the water, so that they are permeated and pervaded, suffused and filled with cool water from their roots to their tips, and nothing of those blue, white, or red lotuses would be unpervaded with cool water; even so, the monk permeates and pervades, suffuses and fills this very body with the pleasure divested of rapture. There is nothing of his entire body unpervaded with pleasure divested of rapture. This is the third development of the five-factored noble right concentration.

emoticon​​​​​​​
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 Still working on the sharp edges, long way to get to the fine tuning part ;)

That lotus pond images always feels fresh and cool!
 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Friday, March 12, 2021, 6:00 AM

Last few days I've tried to cultivate equanimity and there was relatively less negativity. Whenever negativity arises, I ask a few questions: What realm I am in in this state? Do I see things in terms of opposition, or hunger or..? Does it help? Do I need it, and is it necessary? And usually there is less negativity after that. But today every time that I woke up from sleep/dream, I noticed I am angry, it was more like cold anger and I didn't put more fuel into it, but it still was anger. The first time that I woke up I was in a dream but it felt like wakefulness. This neighbor upstairs was making loud noises like the last few days and I was angry. The house was a little different that how it actually is, the placement of the door and walls. I was naked, and got up to get dressed and go talk with them, then I heard one of neighbors' voice that I thought he is coming to talk, but I saw that the door opened and a young guy came in. He looked familiar but I couldn't remember who he is. It was very shocking, fear and terror, how could he open the door etc. Then I noticed I am in my bed and feeling cold, tried to put blanket on my chest but I was frozen from the fear and couldn't move. But then I came out of the dream and its fear and could move. My arms was a little numb because I had not moved for 2 hours.

Last night at one point I noticed that it's getting close to morning and I've only worked less than an hour, so I wrote a note to see it when I open the computer next time, saying that I have to decide after waking up that I will work today or not, because the time is limited and I can't spend time with other activities and still have enough time for work and practice. Today similar to what shargrol suggested, a few times I decided to just start doing the damn work but I couldn't. After a few hours I tried to force myself, put my foot on my throat and ask: Do you want to work today or not? If no why? If yes then you have only limited time and why not start now. I worked for two hours, then I noticed that I need a resource that I couldn't find and my colleagues should send it to me. I searched a little more, hoping to not be able to find it, but at the same time part of me said that keep looking. I couldn't find and that was a relief! There was guilt for not switching to the other tasks, but I thought: with this current mindset that I have, whatever I do I'll feel guilty, so let's appreciate that I was able to work for two hours, and I'll continue it tomorrow. It's not the end of the world.., yet.

Today there was a lot more muscle tension in the body.​​​​​​​

For this last week or so I've consumed less and it was less driven, screen, tea, smoking etc.​​​​​​​
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Friday, March 12, 2021, 11:31 AM

Last several hours a sense of disappointment and hopelessness has arisen and filled the space.
3 days ago my mother told me when I asked about my niece that she has cut her finger, her fingernail actually, at the moment of hearing it caused a strong unpleasant sensation that I felt I just cut my fingernail. Since then that has persisted and each day for some hours I get the same feeling and the tension in the body after the moment of cutting a tissue over and over and over again, sometimes for hours and once in a few seconds. Last few hours it became more pronounced and the unpleasantness of it increased. After that I had the mental images that I sometimes have in the last few years, that I see that I am biting metal, or biting a knife or blade or I am brusshing my teeth with a blade. Then another one that has been arising in the last few weeks arose again, that I see that I cut off my legs with a sword or an axe. I did two formal sits. During the first one I noticed that the questioning that I mentioned in the previous post that have worked to some extent with anger/guilt, does not work with this hopelessness, so I thought to bring the mind some positive/pleasant experiences. It caused unpleasantness to decrease at first, but then this fingernail cutting sensation became stronger and I tried it again. I brought an image of someone that I loved in the past, but immediately her image turned to a monster-like figure that was defecating. There was smell of shit in the air too that I don't know was mentally created or was because of the rain. That smell went away after some minutes.

I tried more and more to relax the body that had a few layers of tension. At some point I noticed that it's relaxed now, but the relaxation brought pain in different parts. Second sit had less of this pain and that unpleasant sensations of cutting, and the concentration got deeper that caused more relaxation and some subtly pleasant sensations. The energy at the base of spine became stronger then, and led to stronger pains in different parts that I had to end when the pain filled most of the experience.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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  Friday, March 12, 2021, 11:27 PM

Today after falling asleep at some point I noticed a color blob in the visual field and I saw that it's forming a heart shape (Like these heart emojis-- often not my favorite), It became clearer and clearer and turned into a blue heart poolaki that had some trancparency and could pass the light. Then I saw that there is another shape in its upper left corner that was probably another heart, and inside that there was another shape but I couldn't see inside that. The big one was the size of an actual poolaki. Then I noticed 1-2 more of them, maybe in other colors. I opened my eyes and they were still there and clearer. The main one in the center started coming toward my face so I put my right hand in front of my face to see it on my hands and for a few seconds I could see it there but then it moved closer and while moving my hand closer to my face, I noticed that my physical hand is on the ground and this is the dream hand that I am moving, although I didn't notice the difference at first. After noticing that, the dream hand was gone in 1-2 seconds, and then the poolaki vanished and I was awake I guess at that moment. I noticed other shapes are forming in the visual field, but after completely waking up, I tried to bring back it for a few seconds and it didn't work.

Only one week is left from this year, so this neighbor upstars is washing and cleaning 24/7 for the new year! There was too much noise when going to bed, with cold anger. I tried a few different things, and at the end I started sending metta to them and myself, but when it felt forceful I ended and focused on the murk. focusing on the color statics in the murk made it a bit easier to ignore the noises. There was a painful dream later.
  
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Powerful empathy for your niece!

I used to torment myself by imagining hurting myself in all sorts of horrible ways. My "favorites" were knife across the tongue and nail in the eye. I couldn't understand why I would feel the need to make myself anxious. Eventually I came to realize that the anxiety was already there, but I couldn't allow myself to have a "pure experience" of it. (Kids naturally get anxious at times, but my mother had high anxiety so any sign of anxiety in me would trigger her and she would try to suppress rather than soothe my anxiety.) Hence my "solution" was to fabricate legitimate reasons for my anxiety, in the form of compulsive unpleasant thoughts. Also a lot of my addictions were ways of trying to soothe my anxiety, which would give short term relief but make it worse in the long run.

What works for me is a form of air element meditation - allowing myself to really feel the underlying physical sensations of anxiety without judging it or attaching extraneous mental forms. Or in less fancy words you could just call it learning to soothe yourself, which is something the caregivers are supposed to teach but unfortunately often doesn't happen for one reason or another. Actually the level of anxiety I'm able to feel now is many times greater than before, but it's much less of a problem! In fact it gives me confidence to be able to fully experience it (which is the liberated form of the air element). Whereas before I was only seeing the tip of the iceberg and imagining the horrors below, now I've sat that magnificent old iceberg out in the sun and am actually enjoying the energy play of watching it melt ... on good days at least :-)

(Edited multiple times for clarity.)
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 Hey George,

I don't remember having these kind of thoughts (cutting, biting knife..) in the past, I think they've only showed up in recent years. But I guess this finger cutting thing maybe has triggered some past memories. I used to cut my fingers all the time since I loved to play with knives, but mainly because of carpet work. In carpet work you hold its knife with right hand and the thread with left hand because most people are right-handed, but I am left-handed so I had difficulty learning it and I would cut my fingers every day or most days even when I was quite experienced. And once it became pretty bad that I guess I cut my thumb too close to its nail or maybe the nail itself I don't remember, and after a few days the nail fell down and I didn't have left thumbnail for some weeks I guess, it was very painful because except my mother, others thought or pretended that it's not a problem and I had to work with that finger.

About the anxieties, addictions, yeah I think feeling it fully and giving permission to it to blow into your face is what is needed, but not easy.

​​​​​​​Thanks.
 
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Shit, you really did have real reasons for anxiety then emoticon
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 Sunday, March 14, 2021, 3:49 AM

Usually I don't have much interest in mapping my experience to PoI or other maps, because I think there are too many unknown variables and I don't find enought precision in the descriptions and also in my pattern recognition, but sometimes the overall theme of experience has somewhat obvious similarities to certain stages. The experiences of last few days looked like it could be mapped to later dukka nanas. That repeating sensations of finger cutting and then mental images of biting metal seemed to be related to Disgust that I've noticed it a number of times in the past too. Also the ongoing anger seems to be part of this stage. Then there was stronger urge to practice that I added to the number of formal sits and their length which could be seen as Desire for Deliverance-- practicing more and trying to find a way to get out of that mind-state. And then there was reduction of anger and disgust, but there was a pervasive feeling of sadness and disenchantment, similar to what I had called quiet sadness before, but unlike that time, there wasn't that same tenderness in the experience, but there was a sense of despair, which can be related to Reobservation. This past day that state has been the dominant state but with shorter shifts in it.

Before going to bed I did 3 formal sits, relaxing the body and focusing on the relaxation. I guess it was the second sit that the body became relaxed, concentration became deeper with changes in the mental image of the body and the space around it, that it looked like the body is much smaller and closer, but at the same time it was much bigger, and expanded into the room. Then energetic sensations arose in the sacrum and base of spine that had some tiny movements upward, and a pleasant coolness and tingling started spreading on my hands and feet. As usual I noticed two reactions: Worry, that I am about to lose control (As Leigh says: You never were in control!), and second, excitement that finally some pleasant piti is arising. But like last few days I could immediately relax and maintain equanimity. But then suddenly I heard the noises from upstairs neighbor that started moving furniture by pushing/pulling them. It's heavy furniture being pushed in earthenware tiles that creates very loud noise. It created distraction and anger, and the thoughts that: "Damn woman, you just had to do it now? You have been doing that for 3 days unbroken, wasn't that enough?". I thought she may end it, but she continued for hour. With each sound arising, I noticed my body startle and tension arose in different parts that most obvious one was in the abdomen. I thought: Well, with these noises and this mind-state I won't be able to concentrate deeper, so what can I do? One view is that I was getting deeper and the noise prevented it, but another view is that I got deeper and then there is the noise, that gives me the opportunity to work on my reactions. It's the best possible situation, with noise without concentration I can't observe reactions closely, so I am lucky to be able to get concentrated and have a stimulus that triggers my patterns and I can work on it, for free, in my home, without seeing a therapist or paying money.

After that I felt much lighter, because I've noticed that more than the noise itself, what makes it painful is that I expect myself to do something about it, to make them know that they are disrespectful of me and ignoring me, but I've told them several times and it had no effect (Although each time after talking with them I felt lighter despite having the noises because I had done something!), so since there is nothing that I could do, that creates pain. But now I started to see it as a great opportunity for practice, and for brief periods that there was silence, I noticed that I am waiting for her to make more noises, and a few times I said thanks after her noises. Then I thought about why is that always a sudden sound causes this much discomfort for me? What is the cause for this fear? It feels like they are coming to get me. If two people fight in the street while I am in the house and hearing them, that causes me the same kind of fear and discomfort. And these noises have the same effect. Then I had some memories of different times in my life, some I brought intentionally and others showed up themeselves(!) that I've had the same reaction for sounds. There is a deep seated fear that gets triggered.

Related to the 1st paragraph:
There was increased equanimity after this change in view, and in the last sit I noticed that the color statics in the murk are more fine-grained, there is higher color contrast, and more depth in the field, which my guess is that this change in visuals shows up in Equanimity territory, and also in the Fear-Dissolution territory.

Later this appreciation for noise decreased, but I have to remind myself again and again.
 
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Good stuff! Your upstairs neighbor is what some people would call the "Buddha of the moment" emoticon
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 Thanks.

Yeah!
I've had a few problematic neighbors in the past but this one is quite different. I clearly feel her restlessness when she walks. I am very sensitive to sounds in general, and also to some extent to people's feelings, and I notice a clear difference between her walking and others' walking in that house. Also different intensity of restlessness in her own movements.
I have lots of obsessions myself too, but not like hers. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Sunday, March 14, 2021, 1:17 PM

Had a 2 hours sit in the morning. Started with metta, first briefly toward myself and my family, then for 20-30 minutes toward my upstairs neighbor and then ended it by wishing well for myself and my family. For the neighbor I started by wishing well for their whole family first, then each one of them separately and then the whole family again, while keeping a hint of smile. While doing that she started making loud noises, it didn't bother me as usual but I noticed two different qualities in the experience: My emotional feeling was that it's okay and I wish them to be happy, but at the same time there was louds of mental talks, criticizing them. Later the noises subsided and the relaxation and concentration became deeper. Energetic sensations arose with some subtly pleasant coolness and tingling and the bright white light. Then sleepiness arose without losing posture or mindfulness. I tried to pay closer attention to the details to not become more sleepy, usually that brings more energetic sensations, but the energetics mostly went away and there was constant mental talks. It wasn't with the normal gray voice (my voice), but other voices that I guess I didn't know some of them, mostly talking in English but some of them in Farsi and Azerbaijani, and the subjects mostly were unrelated to my current situation or experiences. It was like you are playing with a radio and tuning in to different stations, volume is low and in each station a different person is talking about a different subject. For around an hour I tried to pay closer attention to the relaxation/tingling, but there wasn't much change in the experience and these radio stations kept talking. This happens occasionally and I have no idea what's it.

These few days that brights dots in the visual field are back. Usually only one or two of them appear at each instance, but they are bigger and brighter. The black ones sometimes are so beautiful. It's like suddenly a solar eclipse appears in front of me, in less than an arm's length, but its size is only a few millimeters. A black dot with a bright white or yellow ring around it.

Since yesterday (I guess) there is more blue color in the visual field (murk). Yesterday during practice for a period of time it looked like the background of the field is blue because it seemed there are small blue spots in most of it, though the background was still dark. Some of the color statics around the center that usually are green and purple, now are blue sometimes. Maybe that blue heart poolaki in that dream was related to this change too.

An hour ago a perception arose that the experience, whatever and however that is, is complete or perfect, can't be any different and doesn't need to be any different. There is no push and pull in the experience, and there is no need to have a push and pull. It was relatively subtle and stayed for 10-15 minutes, but still I feel a hint of it. I had a similar experience once or twice before in the last months.
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Siavash

An hour ago a perception arose that the experience, whatever and however that is, is complete or perfect, can't be any different and doesn't need to be any different. There is no push and pull in the experience, and there is no need to have a push and pull.

​​​​​​​That's it!
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 I don't see it as anything profound or important. (Is there anything profound?!)

It was just a slight mood shift (like other ones) that came and faded. Hopefully it conveys a message to the mind-body system. 
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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For me that's as deep as it gets - letting experience be as it is, without pushing or pulling. Easier said than done obviously, but that's what I always come back to.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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  If it's always or at least most times present that all or most experiences is seen with that eye or filter (or let's say with no filter!), yes I agree with you.
For me it wasn't like that except for a few minutes. The other time that it had happened it was a little bit longer, but then faded away.

And for that short period that it was present, it didn't require effort. There is just no sense of push and pull.​​​​​​​ 
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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It certainly seems like it comes and goes, which of course makes you you feel like you need to make an effort to get back to the place of no effort :-)

A trick that I found helpful is to see that it's always there, even when you think it isn't. So even the experiences of effort and pushing and pulling are complete and perfect manifestations of what is, which can't and don't need to be any different from what they are ...
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Ni Nurta, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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You mention colors in your visual field. Do you mean it like seeing visual field background being split in to green/purple domains?

I had this peculiar effect for years where when I closed eyes background was not simply uniform gray as it should be but somehow was split, usually in the middle, to dark green and dark purple and there was this separation line which I could somehow rotate at will but which also would move by itself. Some times it was more complex but typically just line.

At times, though rarely it was the color between cyan/blue and orange (so since it was dark it was more like brown) or other color combinations with somehow complementary colors. At times there was more domains than two.

Is this somehow what you experience or is this different kind of effect?
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Hi Ni Nurta,
I guess it's similar effect.

What I usually have with closed eyes, is a dark gray background, but the dark gray doesn't seem to be solid, it seems to be pixelated with very thin lines and arcs and dots that often it doesn't look to be either solid or pixelated, and there are color statics in the form of small cloud or mist in and around the center. If I focus on them, then these thin lines have faster and more obvious movements/rotations/flilckering etc. Usually the center has the higher contrast with the background. Often the center has a green mist that is made of very thin lines and is not solid, and around it usually there are purple/deep-pink/magenta mists, again made of thin lines. Usually the colors in the center are stronger and as it gets farther from the center, they all fade into gray and the periphery usually is dark gray. Often most of these colors are quite pale, but sometimes are stronger, though almost always pixelated, except for a few patterns that have solid colors.

Sometimes, especially if I do fire kasina, a deep pink spot appears in the center in the form of a moving donut, it's made of lines, but its center is gray, and there is a green blob in the center of it that is solid, but it's always moving and changing shape. It can become blue occasioanlly. Also there is this purple-black lights that seems to be a state/stage related thing. It just sometimes shows up on its own. It's like dark gray or black colors start spreading from a point outward as circles, while another side of it is contracting into a smaller circle and then vanishes, and these two expansion and contraction happen at the same time. Sometimes it's dark-gray and white light, sometimes it's dark-gray and violet or blue violet. It can be that the white or black mist expands and contracts, and inside and around it there are solid spots of violet or blue that are solid, but are more like light and not color, and that lights flicker and vanish then other ones arise, it's similar to the pale blue flame when you burn coal. All of this happens in a space of 10-20 inch by 10-20 inch by 10-20 inch.

I can see almost all of these lights and colors with eyes open too, though because the background is not dark with eyes open, they are more pale or they disappear, but if I focus on a spot with eyes open, they show up and become stronger. While looking at this monitor, if I focus on it, they appear, but I can see the monitor and the texts in it from behind this color mists, except sometimes the colors are stronger and it obscures the monitor a little bit. If I open my eyes more widely, then I can see behind it. I haven't tried this for maybe two years, but if I focus on the visual space in a lit room with eyes open and don't move my eyes, after some minutes it becomes similar to eyes closed and if I get enough concentrated, the space becomes dark like a dark room.

In a dark room, all the colors/visuals that I see with eyes closed, if I open my eyes they all are there and there is almost no difference.

The bright dots that appear, they are solid, not pixelated, pretty much like a LED light.

In a dark room with open eyes if I focus on the visual space, that 10-20 inch space that I mentioned becomes bigger, and after a few seconds or minutes all of the room is like that, filled with color mists and cloud that are moving, but the ones that are farther from me are usually gray and occupy a larger space and the other colors appear in the space closer to me. Though I haven't done much practice in dark room with open eyes recently.

Before starting fire kasina, it was all gray, but then gradually more colors and lights showed up, and now there are always some colors, but mostly pixelated.

And no, there isn't any separator line! It would be interesing to have such a thing if it's a clear solid line! It's more like a color mist fading into gray mist in a dark-gray background.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 Monday, March 15, 2021, 8:10 AM

After being home for 4-5 days yesterday I went out for grocery shopping and I don't know if I've caught something or not, I feel sick since last night and because of that and also a strong sleepiness with that sticky feeling I had difficulty getting out of bed. Was in bed for 13-14 hours (Woke up a few times).

After getting up there was dissatisfaction for sickness but it lessened after a few hours. Last several hours the mind-state swings between "quiet sadness" and "quiet stillness". Movements have become slow because there is less need and urge to move. That bright violet-blue-black lights show up in the visual field, dancing expanding contracting. The moment I have thoughts about criticizing myself for not working, or about writing too much in this log, I notice that the mind-state changes to feeling guilty and having despair. When I don't have that kind of thoughts, working seems to be easier because there isn't much difference between the experience of working and not working, but the moment these thoughts arise, there is a dramatic shift and working feels impossible.

Also there is the thoughts that I am messing up with my experience and practice by writing too much about it (At least typing feels good!).
 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 Monday, March 15, 2021, 7:35 PM

Today I've had higher equanimity, and was able to work and get a task done.

It's been some hours now that the visual objects look clearer, as if they are bolder or more 3D. That is how I had described it before in other logs, but it seems today that I notice it why it is clearer or bolder. In recent weeks I've been paying attention to the mental image of my head/face, and often it looks like there is a mask in front of the watching point when noticing sensations. Same with visual sensations, that it looks like there is the sensations of my eyes, then there is this mask that is a vague image of my face including my eyes "in front of the eyes sensations", and I am seeing all objects from behind that. Today I notice that that mask is there, but it seems that it's now fit on the sensations of the face/eyes. When looking at a visual object, there is the mental images of the face, but it seems that the part for the eyes in this image is not there, or it's more transparent that I have to bring it intentionally, otherwise it's not noticed. So the previous one was like looking at visual object from behind a glass, this one looks like that glass is not there (or is so clear) and I see them directly. And I guess that is why it feels that the sensations are closer, or more direct or immediate. Its quality changes, sometimes that mask is more noticeable (like now), other times it's more transparent and the sensations look more direct, effortless and in general nicer.

There have been harsh energetic sensations today that their intensity has increased in the last hours. Intense throbbings and the feeling in the torso that feels like I am about to vomit my internal organs. There is an uncomfortable constriction in the throat that sometimes literally feels like vomiting. It feels like the body wants to get rid of something and throw it out.
 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 Wednesday, March 17, 2021, 8:35 AM

Slept long again, 14-15 hours, with many dreams, one pleasant, others with mixed feelings. Body was very uncomfortable with sickness symptoms and I tried to get up a few times but failed. Toward the night symptoms were gone.

Had a good degree of equanimity. Not much emotions and not a high mindfulness. Later there was despair because of not working. Did two sits, there were relatively good relaxation and concentration with some momentary pleasant sensations and strong energetics, some were painful.
These 3-4 days there is a constant muscle contraction in the abdomen similar to those times that I had anxiety attacks. Also today there is more tension in the legs too that my walking is not smooth. Frequently I notice that while walking my right leg tenses and stops moving for a moment. This used to happen a lot and it would become terrifying when crossing the streets.

After the practice I spent some time thinking about working, couldn't get myself to start, at some point I gave up and thought let's start and see what happens. Then anxiety arose with lots of tension in the body and increased repetitive behaviors, like pressing Command+S to save a document 10-20 times, with constriction in the throat and shaking in hands. Fortunately I could continue for 2 hours and finish that chunk of work. That brought some satisfaction and hope.
 
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Could be a dumb suggestion, but what about using autosave or writing a piece of code in whatever app you are using to do it for you, so that you don't have to think about it? I know autosave can slow you down working on big docs, but you would be trading off the anxiety against that and the 'saving ...' message could be a mindfulness reminder!
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 Thanks.
It happens with autosave too, because it's not about saving, it's about fear and distrust. (If you change one manifestation by forcing it, it will manifest somewhere else.--obsession)
Fear that something bad is going to happen.
Distrust that I can't trust what I am seeing. I see that it's already saved, but maybe it isn't.

At least in the surface it doesn't have logical explanation, it's mechanical.
 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Thursday, March 18, 2021, 1:24 AM

Slept less longer this time, around 9 hours. Few hours before going to bed discomfort arose in the body, pain and fatigue, similar to a flu, but I don't know it's a sickness or it's because of emotions or energetics or habits or what. It has been like that after waking up too but similar to the last few days, it's decreasing gradually. Many dreams that I forgot most of them. One had fear, a neighbor that I had beaten him in childhood asked a very big guy to come and get me, I grabbed an iron pipe to defend but woke up.

Did another sit before going to bed, used Shinzen's Auto Think technique to note mental images and talks while being aware of the mind space. Lots of images of the past, childhood etc. I noticed a number of times that the moment after having one of these subtle mental images, there is a tension in the body specially in the abdomen. What Shinzen calls Noting Feel Sources (some other variants: noting feel locations --head, abdomen etc, and noting feel flavors-- sadness, fear, interest, joy etc), that noticing a mental talk or image or a tug toward mind space causes an emotional sensation in the body. There were lots of energetics too. After that and while in bed, I used the technique See Back, while noticing each sensation, being aware of the watching point, or the subject, that always moves often between head and legs. For the sensation in my head and face it was more difficult to notice it, often it was in the space inside my mouth or behind my eyes.

-- Edit 1:
Thursday, March 18, 2021, 6:46 AM

The past 4-5 hours my head has been constantly sweating and overally the temperature of the body is higher, not much sweating in other parts though. Again this is something that has been repeating and I haven't been able to know what is its cause. Since last year these days that I became sick and then a pattern started that for months I was sick for a few days, but totally okay for 1-2 days after that, then again sick for a few days and again okay for 1-2 days after that and so on, I've noticed that one of the symptoms was this high temperature and constant head sweating, but the head sweating used to happen before the sickness too, and another guess that I have is that it might be related to states/stages, that when the energy is higher, this is one of its manifestations. If it's related to states/stages, my guess would be that probably it's related to Fear territory (on what scale and what sub-nana of what sub-nana, who knows). This hightened muscle tension in the body and higher jerkiness can be related to Fear territory too I guess, that while walking my right leg stops or there is glitches in the movements of arms/legs because of the increased tension.

-- Edit 2:
Thursday, March 18, 2021, 7:47 AM
To add more data for pattern recognition:
Unlike previous day that my movements were slow that I didn't feel a need or urge to move, and a lot of times while intending to do something I'd stop and not move because the stillness and not moving felt better, these last hours it's the opposite. My movements are relatively faster and there isn't that collectedness in the experience. I switch a lot between activities, for instance changing tabs on browser a lot and obsessively checking for time or notifications, and the mind similarly is scattered too that reflects in the movements and activities, and activities don't satisfy. This too is another of the repeating parts of the pattern.

-- Edit 3:
Thursday, March 18, 2021, 8:13 AM
Another data point:
(I might be completely wrong on calling this state/stage Fear, it might be a completely different thing or not a thing at all, but whatever that is, it seems to be part of a pattern that this set of experiences show up together.)

The other thing that I noticed that I guess is related to Fear nana territory that I've mentioned in a post before, is that the color statics in the murk (the space in front of or behind the closed eyelids) are more fine-grained, meaning that it looks closer to a solid color, and there is higher color contrast between the green in the center, the purple around it and the dark gray that is the background, and there is more depth to the field, and not much movements in the colors. The next thing that I noticed is that there are more than a few bright dots in the center of the field. This almost never happens in other times. Usually one or maximum 2-3 brights dots appear, often not in the center and are pretty bright and then turn to a black dot and disappear, but this one is that there are 10-20 pale white dots in the center, they are smaller and not that bright, and are gathered around the center. Usually they fade away after some minutes when I focus on them.
Martin, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

Posts: 279 Join Date: 4/25/20 Recent Posts
It sounds like what you are going through is unpleasant. I get some help with unpleasant bodily sensations from exercise such as yoga. I'm guessing that you've already tried that, but if you haven't, I know a good app.<br /><br /> 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 Hi Martin,

Thank you for your suggestion.
I've tried a few apps before but didn't like it, it seems that it doesn't suit me, but it's a good reminder about exercise in general. Thank you.
 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 Thursday, March 18, 2021, 10:26 PM

Slept shorter today, around 6 hours in bed with waking up twice in the middle of, but I don't feel sleepy and had no difficulty getting up. Like last days before going to bed and after that the body felt sick, it's getting better gradually again.

Didn't do a formal sitting practice, there was too much scatteredness that I couldn't stay on any activity more than a few minutes, but I stayed awake longer in bed and practiced for 1-2 hours there. Relaxed the body and focused on the body breathing and the space around in and the changes of sensations in the abdomen. There were pretty harsh energetics, and at one point a strong pain arose in my left arm that stayed until a few hours after waking up. There was a new phenomenon, a buzzing sound in the head that I don't remember having it before. It happened twice (1-2 seonds long each time) and was loud that made the body jump up a little bit. I don't know the correct term for it, but it was like a electricity short-circut (?) in a cable maybe, but louder and more pronounced. Sometimes other sounds arise that are loud and it seems like it's an external sound, like something falling on a surface, or like you open a soda bottle, but I hadn't this one before. The tensions in the muscles were/are stronger for some periods, that sometimes I feel a pain in my jaw-neck-head, or while walking I don't put my feet fully on the ground, and with right foot a lot of times I put only its toes on the ground.

I don't notice much difference in the experience after waking up.

Two days are left from the year and there are new-year holidays. But this month was terrible in terms of working and I haven't worked much, so logically I don't have much time to rest, but I am thinking (if there isn't an urgent issue) to "rest" for a few days. I usually don't have any plans, so it's not that I want to let go of plans, but I have a lot of worries about it, so if I can, I want to let go of all the worries about what should I do or don't for a few days, and just flow with the experience, and rest and relax and enjoy and practice to the extent that I can.
 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 Saturday, March 20, 2021, 3:17 AM

Yesterday I've had thoughts about how to spend these few days to get some rest and relaxation from it, but there was a feeling of sadness-despair for a good portion of the time that what conveyed was: You haven't worked and you don't deserve to have rest. And: You should've gone to your hometown and be with your family but you didn't do that and there is nothing to be satisfied about. Also there was/is that feeling of sadness-despair of new year. For many years, probably from childhood, I get this sadness-despair about new year each time. In childhood I'd be very excited about the time frame of 1-2 days before the new year and first 3-4 days of the new year, and those days looked to be the best and brightest part of the year (or time in general), and I had the feeling that after that few days, everything is sad, pointless, empty and hopeless. I'd get the same feeling about the cycle of weeks too, but the one about new year was in a different scale. Now I have the same feeling too.
(These days I notice it more and more that how much of the unpleasantness of emotions is related to this perception of time, and the cycle of days/weeks/months/years and being in each part of this cycle or expecting each part of the cycle gives different feeling tones.)

Yesterday while having these feelings and thoughts, it occurred to me that this could be related to states/stages too. If the previous experience is related to Fear territory, this can be related to Misery territory then. Although I notice that the mind-state swings between these two. The predominant one is that the mind-body seems to be sharper brighter or more awake, but restless and tense and agitated, and that wave of sadness-despair and maybe guilt arises and colors the experience for some seconds/minutes then goes away. Today a flavor of sadness seems to be present most of the time, but it's relatively mild compared to the above wave.

Did 1-2 formal sits last night, I don't remember much about it, but there was some strong energetics and sleepiness toward the mid-end part of it.

Was in bed for around 9 hours with waking up 3 times in the middle of it.
 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 Saturday, March 20, 2021, 10:20 AM

Last several hours:

Pervasive sadness ==> A fire kasina sit, bright dots (red/magenta/green) in the beginning, less bright dots, then sleepiness, end of it ==> Very intense muscle tension and pain in the whole body that even sitting with a back support was difficult to keep the balance ==> Another sit focusing on the arising-passing of sensations in the body ==> Sadness decreased, tensions increased, harsh energetics ==> Another sit with the same focus object ==> Sadness mostly was gone, clarity is increased, there is higher openness in the space, more inclusive noticing of all sensations in the space, higher equanimity and clarity, tension is decreased but there is still a good amount of it, noticing the arising-passing of sensations is more effortless.
 
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Happy New Year Siavash!

Anything could happen this year!
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Thank you George,
I wish a happy one for every one.​​​​​​​
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Pepe, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

Posts: 332 Join Date: 9/26/18 Recent Posts
Happy New Year Siavash! What are your plans and goals for this year? Is there room for social dancing in your schedule? It was a gamechanger in my life. I couldn't recommend it highly enough. So much joy and lasting friends. Nowadays, twenty years later, social dancing morphed into family dancing. I started to practice shuffle for cardio and weight-loss reasons, but the real reward was bonding with my kid. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Thank you Pepe,

I don't have any formal plans!
I have a big destructive habit that I started to change it 14 months ago. I had more progress with it in the last two months. If I could continue it and finish the work, that would be a big victory, not for a year but for the whole life.

(Most my friends are scattered around the country and the world and currently I don't have much social life, but I'd like to be able to do that.)

Thanks.​​​​​​​
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Self-forgiveness is the most important part of this process. Many of us have overcome destructive addictions. They're a direct result of the emotional neglect/abuse you suffered growing up, which is itself a result of your parents' upbringing. No one can be blamed for all that. You understand it, you accept responsibility and then you forgive yourself ... then you don't even feel the same need to act it out any more. If this was a friend's life you were looking at, wouldn't you tell them that they can forgive themself?
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 Thanks George,
Yes, self-kindness and self-forgiveness is very important in this process.
 
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Pepe, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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I have a big destructive habit that I started to change it 14 months ago. I had more progress with it in the last two months. If I could continue it and finish the work, that would be a big victory, not for a year but for the whole life.

I couldn't be more happy for you, go to the very end! 

(Most my friends are scattered around the country and the world and currently I don't have much social life, but I'd like to be able to do that.)

Yes, that's a tough move. I just showed up alone one day and learned to make new friends from scratch. Who knows when you will have the opportunity. I hope it comes soon.

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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Thanks Pepe.
Yeah, I try.​​​​​​​
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Sunday, March 21, 2021, 5:18 AM

Trying to change how I walk and keep the body more relaxed. I notice that most times I don't put my right foot fully on the ground. I can think of two of the things that have intensified it: One the anxiety that I've had in the last 7-8 years. Second, for many years while being with others, I'd stay awake at night while others were asleep so I'd try to not make any noise, and that has resulted in tensing my body while moving (Also when I am alone I walk in a way to not make noise for neighbors which is unnecessary and unkind to myself). I notice that when I walk more naturally, some pains arise in the feet and legs.

Was in bed for 12-13 hours while getting up for a few times during it, and practiced in bed. There were some strong energetics. In one of them a mild pain moved from the base of spine upward a few inches and a lot of vibrations and throbbing spread over whole body, also a pleasant coolness spread from feet upward with a mild joy, a burst of laughter arose, but I let go of that (Previously while practicing with Leigh's instruction, bursts of laughter would arise and prevent concentration from deepening.). I notice that focusing on the changes in sensations makes me have feelings of moving or gliding in the inbetween zone, that is a mix of wakefulness,sleep and dream.

In the later part of the sleep I had intense jaw clenching. I haven't had that for a few months now. I had it after waking up too, it still happens mildly. Today the sickness symptoms are there with pain in bones. That energetic pain that arose in my left arm a few days ago, a similar one arose in my right arm. I guess the tensions don't want to let go and fight back. There was sensations of bugs crawling on skin. A vibration on the heart. And vibration in several places that usually have itches or pains that felt like it's loosening or opening, 2-3 of them in the back, one in the neck, the one on the heart and smaller ones in other locations.

I wonder what effect each part of the year has on body-mind. It seems that some experiences occur more in certain times of the year, I guess.

I've always had this intuition that everything you want to know about a person, is reflected in their face, at least their core personality and how they feel emotionally. I've used that to notice patterns to distinguish different types of people and see similarities and differences, for example these few people have circular face and they share this personality trait, or these other ones have a thicker lower lip and they all are this way etc etc. These few days I notice that more, that I get more data from a face (intuitively I'd say, and not something to replace other facts), that a face reflects if a person have a guilt issue, or a pride issue, or is generous, etc.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Sunday, March 21, 2021, 12:58 PM - 2:25 PM

After waking up at first body was uncomfortable due to the sickness symptoms. They subsided later to some extent.
Later there was equanimity and movements became slower, with higher stillness and quietness in the experience.

Then the sadness became more predominant. I tried to remind myself over and over again that it’s okay, there isn’t any urgent problem, and it’s okay to feel sad and guilty, but the mind-state remained: sadness-despair-guilt.

Spent 2-3 hours making food and washing the dishes (At least in this area I've had improvements in the last year compared to the last 10-15 years).

Sadness and despair has decreased to some extent, but it comes and goes in more intense waves. There was tension in the body since waking up but in wasn’t intense, now it’s more intense specially in the abdomen. There is higher agitation, restlessness, and worry without any specific reason. There is much less jaw clenching compared to before. My head has started sweating again. Around 1-2 hours ago at one point I noticed the symptoms are becoming more intense (Based on the pattern, I was expecting them to go away), and that caused some worry/fear. It went away after some minutes. Due to the restlessness I switch a lot between activities. There are more pains in the locations that usually are tense that I try to keep them relaxed (Legs, back, skull…).

Color statics are more fine-grained and the murk is more unified. Many bright dots come and go.

There is deep sense of dissatisfaction. Weather is very good, clear sky, beautiful clouds. I watched them for a few minutes, but it didn’t move this thick cloud of dissatisfaction.
There is a feeling of guilt and disappointment that although I’ve taken these few days off, but I can’t enjoy it. There is guilt that I don’t go out to enjoy this clear weather.
Mental images of my bed frequently comes to the mind with an urge to go to bed and hide.

There is obsession to record all my experiences to be able to recognize clearer patterns.
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Siavash &amp;#39;
Then the sadness became more predominant. I tried to remind myself over and over again that it’s okay, there isn’t any urgent problem, and it’s okay to feel sad and guilty, but the mind-state remained: sadness-despair-guilt.

You are right about the need to really feel the feelings. The problem is the second arrow - the mental despair and suffering which gets overlaid on top of the physical and emotional pain (the first arrow). Experiencing the pure physical feeling of sadness in the heart - without the despairing mental narrative - is cathartic, bringing tears to the eyes and a feeling of wholeness and connection to the world of suffering. Guilt is basically self-directed anger, i.e. a physical feeling of anger along with a distressing narrative of 'it's all my fault, I'm such a bad person, I don't deserve to be happy'. Try to have a pure physical experience of the anger in your body - allowing that hard ball of rage in your belly to open up a little - almost as if you were a bystander watching an interesting energetic phenomenon. The more interested you can get in the actual physical sensations, the less interesting the personal narrative becomes.

​​​​​​​You are in the crucible of practice right here, feeling the original pain from all those years. The only way out is through ...
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Thanks George. Yeah I try to do that.

------------
Sunday, March 21, 2021

3:24 PM
The intensity of tensions has decreased.
There is pain in the sides of face-jaw-neck.

I’ve started reading PoI from MCTB2 again, while reading it there were many bright dots and swaths gathered around the center that sometimes obscured the vision a little bit. Also focusing on something for a few seconds causes rapid flickering of light in front of the eyes.
There are more vibrations in the body. For some months, a feeling sometimes arises in my toes that it feels something is stuck between two toes. It has arisen again. In general paying attention brings more vibrations.

Although the body is not as uncomfortable as if was during parts of the last days, but the experience of these last few hours definitely is the most unpleasant one.

5:34 PM
In a short sit I noticed that there maybe a back and forth shift between Three Characteristics and A&P. The posture felt uncomfortable, and I couldn’t find the right adjustment in the posture, and I felt that the position of my tongue inside my mouth needs adjustment but couldn’t find the right position, and there were rapid flickering in the murk with tiny white dots and swaths scattered in the whole field and the field wasn't unified as before (3C), then the posture was more adjusted, there was more vibrations in the body, a subtly pleasant coolness arose in legs, with a subtly pleasant itching/tingling in genitals. A green blob started forming in the center of the murk with deep-pink thin lines around it, similar to what shows up sometimes in fire kasina after the dot becomes stable (A&P).

8:28 PM
Did another sit focusing on the change in the sensations of breathing in the torso, mainly on the abdomen. There were similar shifts in the visual field that I described above, and sometimes with bright lights in the center. At some point sleepiness arose and there were some distortions in the perception that I couldn't get some of them were.
Sadness-despair is mostly gone, and emotional tone is mostly neutral.

Monday, March 22, 2021, 1:29 AM

After the previous sit strong sleepiness arose with that sticky unpleasant feeling and harder pumping in the heart. I sat a few times intending to practice but I just fell asleep or there was too much sleepiness to be able to notice what's going on. I notice that when I can pay attention, lots of vibrations arise, A&P type ones, but quickly I lose it to sleepiness. One of the sensations that arises is the strong pain in fingernails and toenails that had not happened for a while. I need to go to bed.
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Pepe, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

Posts: 332 Join Date: 9/26/18 Recent Posts
Looks a lot like qigong energy. If you want to focus mentally* in the lower dantian (sacrum-groin area), one way is to walk really slowl as if wading through water at waist level. Previously, pushed out and back as far both iliac crests as possible first and then let them sink all you can. If that doesn't work, you could try using a tight belt. 

For anchoring your mind out of mental / emotional loops
​​​​​​​
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Pepe, by that technique, you mean to have a way to be able to notice the sensations in that area?
If that is the case, it's not a problem. I can notice the sensations there, and also sensations of breathing there, and can keep the mind on it easily. Though sometimes focusing on that area creates too much energetic pain, but not always. I am usually aware of the sensations of breathing there when focusing on something else too.

Thanks.​​​​​​​
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Pepe, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Short answer: to be able to feel a heavy ball constantly, even if you're thinking or feeling sensations in other parts of the body. It works like an anchor of the body/mind, you're constantly drawn back to it, so fewer thoughts and emotions can spiral up. That ball and body/mind relaxation go hand in hand.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Thanks Pepe,
I'll try it.

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Monday, March 22, 2021, 5:12 PM

Last night before going to bed energy increased, with some strong sexual urges. I stayed awake in bed for a while keeping my eyes open and practicing, attention wasn't sharp. Woke up twice but then had a good sleep. Alhought the symptoms have become more intense and when waking up I felt very cold. Still there is pain in bones.

The moment of waking up, I noticed oh it's spring now (I hadn't felt it yesterday), the fog is gone, it's clear. Feeling tone is neutral. Everything is ordinary again, and that's okay. 
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Hey Siavash! Sounds like you're in the thick of it! I don't have a lot of advice and I don't want to pretend like I know what I'm talking about but what helped with me during this period was crying! It's all a bit of a roller coaster. All the best.

​​​​​​​george
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 Hi George,
Thank you.

Yes I appreciate crying when it presents itself. It's not something to intend to have it (at least not for me), but I take it as a gift when it arises. It's healing.
 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Tuesday, March 23, 2021, 1:40 AM

Today since I woke up, all experience felt ordinary and neutral, and there wasn’t any noticeable emotions. There was very little tension in the body, occasionally some in the abdomen or legs, but in general body was relaxed and breathing was gentle. There was very little energetic sensations or none. There wasn’t much urge to practice. I liked to practice but it wasn’t strong enough to make me do it, or I just did some background practice gently. I went for a walk, and it felt relatively good. Some little worries or feeling of sadness arose here and there but vanished quickly, or I let go of them anyhow. Since early in the night and later a mild sense of sadness and disappointment arises sometimes, but It didn’t stick for most of it, but I can feel a very mild sense of it in the background.

Earlier the day there was little worries and grasping for this ordinary mind-state, worrying to not make it go away and fell to that negativity ditch, but I could let go of it quickly.

At some point there was some mild energetics with a very mild feeling of restlessness but that didn’t stay too.

Now the body feels better, but for some hours after waking up there was lots of pain that felt that are in my bones. I don’t know if there is any sickness in the body or not, but I guess it can be related to other things as well: habits/consumptions, energy/cycling, emotions. I am almost certain that part of these emotions and energetics/pains and mood shifts is related to cycling.

A few hours ago sleepiness arose, with a feeling that the body wants to release something, a little later the sleepiness went away and there was a kind of restlessness that the body wanted to move or do something, that went away too.

4:51 AM
Sat for 90 minutes, focusing on the whole body and space. There were energetic, some painful, a few times  subtle hint of pleasantness, one or twice a subtle hint of something moving upward from base of spine. a few of energetic in the arms were like a rope is tied around the arm that start to vibrate. This feeling has showed up in recent 2-3 weeks, that occasionally I’ve felt it in my back and legs, as if a the sensations was like a tied rope around it. Attention was not sharp, but the experience was spacious, visual field being larger and having more depth. A number of times there was mental images with feeling that I was seeing vague images of a space, a garden for instance, that was reflection of my current experience, and I was outside of that space watching it from the outside, but the moment that I returned to the perception of actual space, it looked like yes, there is that space, which was the space of my current experience, but I was inside that experience, watching/experiencing it from the inside of it. For a good portion of the sit there was a feeling and smell as if I was breathing a dusty air. That has happened a number of times before.

Before the sit for some minutes the equanimity and no-push-no-pull-ness in everything was predominant, and each time I experienced a desire that had a judgment of good/bad attached to it, it felt that the experience contracts in an unpleasant way, so I immediately let go of it, and the experience expanded to the equanimous state.

7:44 AM
Did another sit. More or less similar to previous one. In first one an image arose in the murk, semi-3D with good resolution, something like a cask that a wheel was connected to it, like a dharma wheel. As I focused more on it, it gradually lost its detail and 3 dimensionality and then I saw that it's just some colors in the murk that I was seeing it that way. In the second sit image of a naked body arose but vanished into colors in a fraction of a second. In first sit a pleasant smell and feeling plus maybe some vague images arose that resembeled an experience in elementary school, probably when I was in an important exam excited to see new questions and answer all of them correctly, or in early days of school year with new books and their smell and wonder of learning new things. In second sit a pleasant smell arose that I had experienced it 10-15 years ago for some time and I loved it. Earlier in second sit lots of energetic pain with tickling flavor, then intense sensations in the throat with some vibrations in other places. Later part of the sit much less vibrations, and some sleepiness. Toward the end, there was a loud sound as if you hit a thick metal with a spoon, then there was another sound, both as if coming from the outside. Second sit, there was more tension in the body, I had to relax my hands frequently.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Wednesday, March 24, 2021

2:19 AM
Slept long. Not much energy was left, so difficulty in getting up. Long sleep is good in that sense if I could stay careful after that. I had a double sneeze a little after waking up that I have’t had for 1-2 weeks. That’s a good sign.
Earlier had a dream that I became very angry in it. I guess the mind creates imaginary situations to let the anger out. I was talking with a close person’s fiancé (Not an actual person) and he was disrespectful to me. I yelled at him: “You mean this impudent you are? Out, I said out”. And it was interesting that I was saying it in Farsi which is the second language for me. I woke up while hearing myself yelling as hard as I could. I almost never yell.

Practiced in bed focusing on the space and silence and rise and pass of sensations in it. There was  lava-like bright colors/lights and energetics.

The experience has been similar to yesterday. Not much tension, not much energetics or emotions, not a sharp attention or high mindfulness. Just ordinary, though with some sensations in my right shoulder blade that struggles to loosen. Sickness symptoms are mostly gone.

4:30 AM
In the last 1-2 hours I notice some tension and restlessness has arisen. I find myself rocking and swaying, and my legs tenses as they can’t keep me still and balanced while sitting crossed legged, so I have to relax them again and again. My right leg refuses to walks smoothly, and there was a shakiness in the body similar to when you stay hungry long enough that hands/legs start shaking. The shakiness has lessened in the last minutes. That pain in the right side of jaw-neck that was gone has arisen again.

5:05 AM
I notice an element of worry in the experience, probably because (at least partially) today is the last day of official holidays, and I have to face the working issue again.

5:52 AM
Feeling of sadness-despair has arisen, with pain in the middle part of the spine, I guess because I am constantly rocking and swaying and not leaning against the pillow. I always sit with a back support because of back pain. There is a discomfort in the throat and below around the heart similar to an anxiety.

7:13 AM
Did a few minutes focusing on the body while walking. There was an intense mind-state of sadness-despair that arose and stayed for about an hour, that felt like suffocating, wanting to hide, or take off my skin, then later loneliness. Its intensity has decreased. The agitation/tension/rocking had decreased but then increased again after the decrease of sadness-despair.

9:11 AM
The kind of agitation with its rocking/swaying seems to be gone. But the tension has persisted in the body and has become a little more intense in the abdomen that sometimes becomes painful. The sadness-despair has lost its intensity but is still present in the background in a milder form, it’s like the space you’re in is sad. It seems to me that it has two sided: One that the current experience you have is not satisfying. Second: You can’t anticipate anything in the future that can be satisfying.
I wonder to what extent this active act of recording experience alters the experience.

9:47 AM
These few days some memories pop up from childhood, not much imagery but the smell and feeling tone, mostly pleasant ones. It was earlier after waking up or maybe yesterday that I had the feeling of walking in a clear weather in early spring before going to carpet work or after that, that was joyful. Now another one arose that I had forgotten forgot, but I also forgot it now after a few seconds. One of the carpets that we made had a red onion color background which I loved it. My uncle (our trainer/employer) had asked someone to make a custom color from red onion for threads used for the background, and it had a magical smell and touch feeling, at least for me. The smell and feeling came for a few seconds, but then was gone.

1:34 PM
Negativity had decreased. Went for a walk and it decreased more and came back home with almost neutral mind-state.
Sat for over an hour, while being aware of the body focusing on the visual field with eyes closed and trying to see the movements in color statics as clear as I can. For most of it I think they were flickering with higher than 10 Hz rate. There is higher stillness and clarity after the sit.
When there is enough clarity and equanimity, then just paying attention to what you are experiencing without applying any structured technique seems to be best way, but with less clarity and equanimity, you have to apply a structure to how you pay attention in order to stay on track. (qualifier: sometimes)
George S, modified 29 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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You could try investigating the fear of losing equanimity ... what is it that makes you feel like this couldn't be a longer abiding state for you?

Also this anger that your mind will only let you express in a dream in an imaginary situation in a second language! Learning to safely experience repressed anger has been very beneficial for me (although at first it felt like I was getting more angry, which is normal I think). Looking back I can see that repressed/self-directed anger was at the root of all my anxiety, depression and addictions. But 2 years ago I had no idea just how much anger there was inside me. If you had tried to suggest it to me I probably would have said something like ‘But what do I really have to be angry about? It wasn’t that bad, plenty of people had it much worse than me.’ As an adult it’s hard to imagine from the perspective of a child just how terrifying, humiliating and disempowering some of the stuff you experienced was, and how that would naturally have elicited justified rage in you.
 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Thanks for the reminders George.

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Wednesday, March 24, 2021

3:53 PM
After the previous sit tried to pay attention to the subtle and gross shifts and movements in the visual space with eyes open while moving and sitting.
Did another sit for an hour focusing on the mental images of the body and the space around it while being aware of the physical sensations of the body. For parts of it I noticed more subtle shifts in the images in a faster pace. Bright white light kept coming and going, with some vibrations and energetics. In the first sit a strong pain arose below left shoulder blade that stayed for some minutes then subsided. Since then it comes and goes. This is a new location having pain and I am guessing it’ll continue to have pain until it breaks to vibrations some day.

6:39 PM
Did two more sits, similar technique and similar experiences.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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 Thursday, March 25, 2021

4:06 PM
Was in bed for 10-12 hours. The body had lost its energy and had become relatively empty so I had difficulty falling asleep after waking up each time. And when I woke up there was so much discomfort and so little energy that I couldn’t get up. There was a distorted perception of current experience, with a mix of waking up, falling asleep, creepy dreams and trying to get up and sit but not finding any comfort in lying down or sitting. It took a few hours to be able to finally get up and sit.
Before going to bed the symptoms came back and intensified as time passed, but last several hours they have decreased.

The mind-state has been mostly this neutral ordinary one, but some sadness comes and goes. Sometimes it becomes more quiet and leans toward what I call quiet stillness or quiet sadness.

Went for a walk for an hour and it was good. The magnificent beauty of the sky, clouds, trees and all the shapes and colors in a clear weather after a little raining. There are many historical places around here, full of art and big spaces with trees. It looks magickal to me.
I hope that I could start going to mountains again. I need it badly.

I’ve been thinking to start working from today or tomorrow, but still there is too much discomfort and too little energy. The past two weeks I applied a new routine, which I am satisfied with the result, but the side effect is that now the body feels that a truck has passed over it and is crushed. Although with it comes a reduction in the general agitation and anxiety.

9:50 PM
I’ve been listening to one of Leigh’s retreat recording as an entertainment today, so I did a sit with his instruction for 75 minutes. I could stay with the breath and the counts right from beginning. There was lots of noise in the building but I got some relaxation. After dropping the count and focusing on the relaxation in hands, there was lots of energy release in the head, with a release-like feeling in the nose and face and vibrating head with a bright light that was like explosion of bright swaths of light, but unlike usual, they were not much white-yellow, but more green-blue. There was the other bright white light present for part of the sit. I noticed that the narrow attention of hands creates tension in the body and these vibrations in head, so I switched to focusing on the whole body instead and it caused more relaxation in hands and legs.

Later did another sit focusing on the whole body breathing and sitting. Got more relaxation and concentration. Less energetics in the head except a strong itching in the tip of the nose. More energetics in the rest of the body. At some point the bright white light became more stable below the nose, and it seemed that it's forming a circular shape, but still wasn't stable and defined and clear enough to see what's its shape.
 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Friday, March 26, 2021,  2:35 PM

Today 7 hours in bed with waking up once in the middle of it. No difficulty in getting up. Symptoms are still present. Mind-state has been mostly neutral, quiet stillness, then there was urge to listen to music. Enjoyment in listening to music with a sense of awe and wonder and goosebumps in the body. Then I listened to the declamation of a great poetry by the great poet Shahriar in my mother tongue, and it caused some weeping.
Hints of sadness comes and goes. A relatively strong energetic sensation in the right shoulder blade is present most of the time.

10:15 PM
In the afternoon went out with the intention to walk to a park, but instead I went to the museum that is very close to the house. It was Ahmad Qavam’s house for some time and he himself had built that place. Didn’t go inside the building, didn’t feel ready yet, just sat on the yard watching trees, grass, soil and earth, cats and birds and people, and sky. Lots of earth, air and space element. And the beauty of flowers. Came home and burned a little wild rue with frankincense. It was good. I had put it in the kitchen 4-5 months ago to burn it and finally did it. After that for about half an hour I felt stronger, and I noticed that I keep my spine straight while sitting, don’t know was the effect of its smoke or the visit to Qavam’s house or what. The quietness and equanimity was present until 1-2 hours ago. Then I had a call with my mother and noticed she was sad because of an issue and after that I felt more negativity in my experience. Noticed that the loud noises in the building are bothering more and anger is arising. Sometimes the nada sound is louder that makes me not hear the noises loudly, but at times like now I notice noises more. Some minutes ago there was some sensations in the body that felt like body is becoming lighter as I want to go against gravity. It was subtle and went away after a few minutes. There seem to be different kinds of sadness. That tender one is usually not that unpleasant. The one that now I have, seems to be more a result of anger. It’s cold anger I’d say. While writing, that lightness showed once in the monitor, as if the screen wants to go up and float. Now I saw that my nephew had shared tonight a declamation by that same poet. Interesting.
The sensations in the right shoulder blade sometimes become strong, with vibrations spreading over left arm.

Saturday, March 27, 2021,  3:34 AM

Sat for around 2 hours focusing on the breath. Sleepiness was dominant for a big part of it.
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Saturday, March 27, 2021,  4:44 PM

Around 5 hours in bed with once waking up in the middle. Didn’t sleep after waking up since I had to go out. Part of me wanted to go back to sleep but I noticed guilt in doing that so I stayed awake, watched sky for a few minutes to give some sunlight to my eyes after waking up (Andrew Huberman stuff).
Yesterday an ATM ate my card so I had to go to the bank and get it, and I was able to do that. This is a progress. Normally it would take days to months to get to the point of decision, or leave it to when I have no other option. After getting that I walked to the park here while visiting some of the historical places, and watching trees and sky. There was two mild flavors of sadness when coming back home, that it often happens when going to places like parks. One was the grasping that I’d like to keep the beauties with myself and not leave them. Second, I often get this feeling that this (a park) is not the real one, it’s phony, it’s not nature, and it gives sadness.
Made food after coming home.
Mind-state has been neutral and quiet mostly.
The sensations on the right shoulder blade still struggles to break into vibrations. Sometimes part of it vibrates. There are other mild energetics here and there.

Symptoms were present, now they seem to be gone mostly, but still the body feels somewhat crushed from the crash 2-3 days ago. The pain that arose in my left leg 3 days ago is still there, unbroken (I have this pain in my left leg since a long time ago and different things trigger it. That and the back pain were a justification that I’d have for myself in the early years of the destruction phase).

These days I try to eat fruits and vegetables more, because I think that I need to find enjoyment again in this life. In the last years I haven’t enjoyed many of the things that I’d enjoy in the past. Partly because of this depressed mood, partly because of habits that I have messed up with my dopamine system, and partly because of health issues, that I’ve lost most of my teeth so I can’t eat many of the fruit anymore in a normal way.

These last minutes I notice bright dots showing up again with other bright swaths of light.

11:19 PM
Practiced with Michael Taft's latest guided meditation titled "Self Investigation" for 20 minutes, inquiring what am I right now, what is aware, what is this sensation..., and paying close attention to the experience, then continued it for over an hour. There was good concentration and mindfulness, toward the end sleepiness filled the space. There were strong energetics, some painful some itchy some vibratory. Twice there was a sound as if it's coming from the outside. Still after the sit there are energetics arising. I did a short massage on my left leg because of its pain and on shoulders/arms/back with a big knife, tappiing with its blade on the body (not a sharp knife), I don't know if it had any effect or not. The pain in the leg is still there but it has decreased.
Tim Farrington, modified 26 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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hey, Siavash, I was very touched by you telling of hearing Shahriar's poetry declaimed in Azeri. I think it is near impossible for an American to imagine the potency of a poet like that, who revived the language of an entire people in his poems. But it is very moving even to sense that depth, the tears, and the heart of a whole people. So thank you for introducing me to the beauty of "Heydar Baba."

66 Haydar Baba, when you were snowclad,
Caravans passed over you at nights,
Whether I am in Tehran or Kashan
I still can see them in the distance
My imagination covers all the ground.

67 I wish I could climb again on your rocks
And look at the past and bygone ages,
See again what has happened to you!
I melt your snow with my tears,
And warm up winterstricken hearts.

​​​​​​​May our own winterstricken hearts be warmed, as DhO is by your presence.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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Hi dear Tim,
Thank you, for being who you are.
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Sunday, March 28, 2021,  11:39 AM

This night there was lots of water leakage dreams, in an extreme and disgusting form. First one was in my parent’s house and not much problematic, but the second one was in my house and there was water and sewage everywhere mixed with my food and etc. At one point there was some relief from it and I found myself in the air flying. Then I thought, this must be a dream, so let’s meditate. And I tried to focus on the body. After focusing on the body it felt very good, I was noticing clearly the movement of the body in the air and its floating and enjoying it, but I lost the focus, then brought it back again I guess but lost again. A few more tries and I was out of it.

Unlike last few days, today the moment of waking up and after that was not equanimous. There was dissatisfaction and frustration, with tension in the body. Watched sky and ate some food, now there is higher equanimity.
It seems that one of the best things to induce equanimity is to be in direct contact with sunlight. The other ones that I’ve found good is watching earth element, for me specially the dry soil works better. Watching fire is good but it takes a little more time and induces trance-like state, specially wood fire, I don't like the gas one much, it's artificial.

2:25 PM
It was windy last night so the sky is so clear and beautiful today. Also less pollution because of holidays. Watched the sky/clouds for some minutes (sky/cloud kasina), then closed the eyes and it had this very beautiful green after image filling most of the murk. I’ve noticed when it’s combined with mountains that are covered with snow, it creates green after image, then it turns to a beautiful magenta. I don’t see mountains from my window here (Except a tiny bit of it.).
I’d like to get prepared these few days to be able to visit mountains in the weekend.

6:58 PM
Went for a walk for 2 hours, to a big park around here. It was good, but I noticed I didn’t have the kind of stillness that I had in the last 2-3 days’ walks. There were a few different flavors of negativity. One was the grasping, that I wanted to keep the beauties, also I couldn’t decide which part of the park to go to have more beauty! Another was the worry and guilt about work, having thoughts that you should be working now, go back and do something about that. And another was the expectations that I had, that I expected more beauty, less people, or more of the kind of people that I’d like, not the ones that I saw, that a lot of them were basically a smartphone with an insta account, connected to a body with a handle called arm. These feelings/thoughts made it harder to relax and enjoy. I noticed that I tense my face and clench my jaw constantly (It still happens). The left leg pain had started before going out and it has intensified more. It seems that the last several hours the symptoms are almost gone.
A subtle feeling arises sometimes that is like I am lightheaded, or have a mild dizziness, and the visuals in front of me want to move and float.

After writing the above, I noticed a stillness is growing in the experience, while sitting cross legged, the body felt still and the mind felt very still as if it’s lock onto the current space (not a narrow experience), so I made it formal sit for half an hour and focused on the body while being aware of this stillness. There were/are loud noises from the upstairs neighbor, and there were/are tensions in the face and feet that I relax them over and over again, but it seemed that none of that could disturb this stillness. There was higher spaciousness in the visual field also.
George S, modified 25 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

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For gas/air element I just focus on the airy quality of the breath!

For fire I sometimes use body heat, and for earth the solidity of the body. For water I think you're supposed to use fluids in the body, but I've been playing with energy "waves" which is fun. I've only just played with it really, but I've noticed that this kind of more physical elements practice helps me feel more grounded and embodied, or comfortable in my body you could say :-)
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 Thanks.
Yeah I find it grounding too.
 
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Monday, March 29, 2021,  1:24 AM

Did a sit, started with inquiring what am I right now, what is this experience.. . A high stillness established with good concentration. There were some strong energetics. One was that vibrations spread to the whole of right leg, then surges of energy in the left leg. An experience that I'd have when doing fire kasina or Shinzen's See In daily, started to happen and was there for the rest of the sit, that the visual scenes that I had seen with eyes open, kind of merge with the mental images of the room, or partially replace it, but not in a clear or high resolution form, that while seeing the darkness and color statics with closed eyes, at the same time it looked that I am looking into the space of the park that I was in today, and as a result, the space looked much bigger and more spacious. Then sleepiness arose and after some minutes I had to end the sit since it was getting more sleepy. I should go to bed to be able to maintain this routine of sleeping at night.
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Monday, March 29, 2021,  3:17 PM

Last night after the sit I started asking the questions of “who am I”, “what am I right now” in my mother tongue and I noticed a lot of difference compared to saying it in english. It was much more personal, emotional, and with a higher sense of self, or being someone in it. Probably that’s why I kind of don’t like it much. I had tried it a number of times before but I had the same reaction, that it had felt quite not right.
I’ve forgotten all the dreams but I guess they’ll come back at some point.
Today it feels relatively neutral, but there was some dissatisfaction when waking up. Watched sky after waking up. The symptoms are back with pain in the body but not too much, according to the pattern they will go away completely in a week or so I guess, if another one doesn’t start.
Spent some time after waking up preparing the food and the bread to eat. For some of these breads when they are not fresh, I can’t eat them because of my teeth, so usually they go to the trash and produce guilt, so this was a progress.

I wish I knew what is going on with this flu-like pain in the body, but I guess I have to cultivate equanimity with not knowing. For many years when having this kind of pain, specially this pain in the left leg, my response to that was to numb it. Now I don’t want to do that, also I am trying to change the habit more and more, so I don’t know if it’s because of that change, or is it that for all those years that I haven’t felt those pains, now I have to feel them, or that really there is an element of sickness, that the sickness that I had last year was covid and there are still side effects of that, because I never had this kind of thing before covid, I’d become sick once or twice each year for 1-2 weeks and be ok after that. I don’t think there is any point in talking with a doctor, I haven’t encountered a doctor yet to be patient and open enough to discuss all my questions with openness and curiosity. Unless I had a team of high profiles ones with a lab, that we could debug and monitor the system together!

Tuesday, March 30, 2021,  1:41 AM

Spent some time playing with some technical issues. At first it created some satisfaction and excitement that after a few weeks, I was able to spend time on tech activities, hoping that it creates enough motivation and courage to be able to work, but then a relatively intense anxiety and restlessness came, that affected body-mind and still is present. I wasn’t expecting that!
Early at night went for a short walk. There were mixed feelings about that and because of the restlessness I didn’t go far and felt the need to come back home. The symptoms are almost gone. There are some energetics, and throbbing that I guess is related to the restlessness.
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Wednesday, March 31, 2021,  2:18 AM

Today had a scary dream. A few young guys tried to kill us by throwing stones and also with other things, and I could see stones coming toward me like bullets, and we responded by throwing back. It reminded me of the fear that I had when I was a kid when going alone somewhere. I liked it to go alone sometimes but I’d see most men as threats.
Did some tech studies, then went for a walk, it wasn’t bad, then a deep sadness arose and stayed for a few hours.

Sat for over an hour focusing on the body. There were very intense and painful energetics, started at my left long toe tip (It has happened a number of times before in both long toes), as a mix of painful vibrations and electric shock that was frightening and caused the body to jump. Then a similar one mixed with that painful tickling started arising in different parts and in some new locations like inside my chest. It was scary at first, but then I thought, let’s try to have equanimity and stay still, and I set an intention to do that, and after that I could stay still more or less for the next ones. I noticed that the fear that arises just at the moment after the pain, that makes the body to move, and that’s what makes it too unpleasant, but when I have equanimity with that fear, then there is unpleasantness, but it’s not much of a problem. Later sleepiness arose, but that didn’t stop the vibrations and energetics. There was a pleasant coolness spreading on the body too.

Today I talked with my colleagues, and I’ll go to office from Saturday. I am done with trying to force myself into working from home.
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Siavash ', modified 22 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

Posts: 1212 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Wednesday, March 31, 2021,  8:47 PM

There were some strange dreams today. In one someone offered a job and we went to an airport to go to their place, but it was like a dark tunnel with strange looking people there, and it turned out that it’s a trap and they want to use us as slaves, but there were a few police forces that had infiltrated there and helped us run away.
In the second one I was asleep, a woman that I know but not much, was talking to me and woke me up, then offered intimacy. I was confused, and asked where is your husband and why are you doing this? But she just acted strangely without saying much. Then her husband came and they started arguing, and I felt terrible while watching them, then I noticed they started talking nicely and smiling, and giving hints to each other that this guy doesn’t know what’s going on. And I found out that it’s a trap too and they are looking for a slave. I woke up and felt pretty heavy for some time after that. I don’t know what’s going on with this dream. These are kind of new types of stories in my dreams.
I notice recurring thoughts that I should not write (share) these dreams, so I guess instead I should share more of their details, but that too I guess would be an unhelpful reaction, so.

I had some resistance in the afternoon about going for a walk, but I went and it was good. Trees and colors looked more beautiful today. I notice that when there is less worry or sadness or other flavors of emotions, then the color and form and space look so beautiful that it’s almost overwhelming, as if you can’t take it in, it’s too much, but when there are those thoughts and emotions, then colors look ordinary, cheap, and it doesn’t penetrate me and I don’t penetrate it.

A sadness comes and goes. I notice that what is in the center of this sadness, is that I seem to need constant reassurances from the people that are important to me, that I haven’t done anything wrong! And when I don’t get enough signs of reassurance, these emotions fill my experience. It seems that the fact that I know that I haven’t done anything wrong, doesn’t give me enough comfort and I need others to confirm that.

Thursday, April 1, 2021,  1:40 AM

Th sadness had become more predominant, then I noticed a stillness arising, and the shift of mind-state was interesting that in a few seconds I noticed the mind-body is more still, movements became slow, with not having much urge to move. Then it replaced the sadness but later the sadness kept coming and going. And there is an increased inclusive clarity, that a lot of sensations are noticed clearly from the moment of arising to passing, and there is an increased sense of beauty in experiencing color/form/space.
There is some tension in the abdomen and legs, and this increased awareness plus the background practice that I do cause vibrations/energetics and some flickering the wiggling in visual scene.

3:26 AM
Sat for an hour. Some noticing of finer sensations, some bright lights, some energetics and vibrations that some were painful, then sleepiness. The left leg pain has started again. These few days again I am having that urge to stay awake whole night, I should go to bed but there is resistance. That stillness has decreased.
George S, modified 21 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

Posts: 1555 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
These two themes seem to be pretty common in your dreams:

- Being used as a slave: related to how your father made you work for him as a child?

- Women that are unavailable: related to guilt at the prospect of emotionally abandoning your mother?
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Siavash ', modified 21 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 6

Posts: 1212 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
I don't remember having these themes in the past. They are relatively new. The second one might have showed up occasionally in the past.

If I average based on the number of times a dream occures, then probably they are not common, but yeah they have occured enough times to think that it's pointing to a deep issue. I don't know what they are pointing to. I have some ideas, but I prefer to let them come up themeselves and not give them a direction by my assumptions.

Thanks.​​​​​​​

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