Truth Seeking Log

Truth Seeker, modified 19 Days ago.

Truth Seeking Log

Posts: 15 Join Date: 2/27/21 Recent Posts
Creating new post due to re-formatting desire. 

Link to short past Log:
Link to post that details some of my journey and what I've been doing (in the comments):

For future posts, I will continue to chain off of this one by updating in the comments.

Format Structure:
  • Session Date:
  • Pre-Session Hypothesis and Experiment:
  • Session Notes:
  • Recorded Thoughts from Session:
  • Contemplation:
  • Current Hypothesis:
  • Action Items:
  • Questions for Analysis:
Truth Seeker, modified 19 Days ago.

RE: Truth Seeking Log

Posts: 15 Join Date: 2/27/21 Recent Posts
Appears copy and paste messes with the formatting and I'm not wanting to re-type all of this again so just gonna go with it...
  • Session Date: 22APR2021
  • Pre-Session Hypothesis and Experiment:
    • Hypothesis:
      • Variables: 3 Puzzle Pieces
        • The Flow: Contraction and Expansion
          • Reality Creation Control (Expansion): Concentration - Morality - Time - Compound - Whole - Intent
          • Reality Destruction Control (Contraction): Sensory Awareness - Space - Components - Separation - Acceptance
        • The Search: Who Are You? What is in between? What alters the flow and initiates?
          • Belief - Faith - Acceptance - Truth - Energy - Unity - Host - Unknowable - Change - Transference - Spirit
      • Compound: When you attempt to perceive what's in between both ends of the flow you will find there is no self to be found, continuing to search will lead to suffering, continuing to hold onto the search is pointless due to impermanence. Let Go and allow reality to flow through you.
        • Through cycling between both ends (Death/Life - Destruction/Creation - Alpha/Omega - Components/Compound) you accrue more and more belief which severs karmic ties. Stream Entry occurs from first cessation which is the far end of contraction. Once you start expanding once more it takes out doubt, ego, and ritual needs. You start to understand Death isn't the end and survival instincts and desire lessens - priorities shift. From there you learn to limit how you expand (good intent) and how to accept all suffering including Death. When you have reached the end of what you believe to be good intent and never reject suffering you learn to let go. You accept the finality of Death, you accept all knowledge, and you accept letting go. Nirvana is reached which is always flowing with and never against. You no longer intend unless you revert to an earlier state.
    • Exercise: Cycling
      • Objective: Dive deeper and deeper into the Truths of reality
        • Buddhism 3 Universal Truths
        • Loop Theory
        • Heaven and Hell
        • God and Devil
      • Statement: Truths are found during the transitory phase - the in-between
      • Steps:
        • Contract by becoming aware of sense contact all along outer shell of human body
        • Expand by merging instances in time together to form one picture
        • Repeat several times
        • Observe the transition from one to the next and attempt to directly perceive a universal truth: No Self, every sensation is suffering, everything is impermanent
  • Session Notes:
    • Took 25mg of an edible, waited an hour until it kicked in and continued to prepare myself to notate when desire starts increasing and to restrict the impulse
    • Cycling attempt:
      • During contraction I felt more and more sensory impacts.
      • I shifted my awareness of sensory contact along my outer shell (eyes, arms, head, etc.).
      • I failed to expand under control and it happened automatically.
      • Expansion was perception being modified. At moments I was the watcher while I automatically performed actions.
        • During this third person shift I understood I could guide self by intending to match what someone else needs at that moment in time. I could intend anything. Example: My wife was talking to me about her day and I understood she just needed someone to listen and so I intended that and stayed with it until there was a change of pace and that intent was no longer needed.
        • There was a period where I touched upon Wrath and started contemplating what that would lead to. Due to fear, I shut that down real quick and focused on good intent.
      • I failed to observe the in between to try and pierce a universal truth.
  • Recorded Thoughts During Session:
    • To become and die like Jesus taking humanity's suffering and going you join with god is what you aim for. Break down and feel all of humanity's pain
    • Breaking down is FEELING
    • Building up is INTENDING
    • To combine you intend feeling.... lol idiot
    • Intend your progress.......
    • Choose how you feel in every moment.
    • You don't choose what happens, you have no control over that what so ever
    • You can only control how you feel....
    • The only way to not feel is to step back from the control seat
    • Pierce direct knowledge, truth for anchor to release self
    • The bell has rung emoticon
    • Waves of consciousness
    • Intent of feeling is key and how to get where you want
  • Contemplation:
    • It seems introspection within an altered state due to drug influence is no longer needed. Due to past experience (fortnite introspection through perception alteration), it is influencing expansion. This is most likely perceptual desire as a part of my ego wants that to be the correct way for awakening. Attempting to control perception is intent as well when goal is to let go of intent overall and allow for all change to come forth.
    • Any further use of edibles would be clinging to the past as the way forward is to experiment without for stability and increasing belief instead of doubting due to outside influence.
    • It seems I'm at a crossroad when it comes to how to move forward. One part of self believes seeking jhana states is the way so you refine intent control for expansion and have a baseline of checkpoints for states of change which also assist in comparing to the standard maps used by others. Another part believes that should be a focus after stream entry as that's when you should start limiting expansion through morality/virtues. Isn't the purpose to have your first direct experience of cessation? Would the way forward then be intend feeling as much as you can until it becomes too much and you try to find how to change and not suffer which then leads to observing the in between which leads to perceiving one of the 3 universal truths that there is nothing there and all you have to do is let go and be whatever it is you formed at that point in time?
    • I also feel a part of me is trying to balance my past desires by applying different sensations to an object from my past while dreaming. Example being the lust I had/have in the past for two individuals and one dream associated a standard interaction with one individual with no lust and the other introduced guilt/shame/anxiety/fear to the other.
  • Current Hypothesis:
    • Variables:
      • Intent of Suffering
      • Flowing - No Intent
    • Compound:
      • God's/Unknown's Creation? Tao? Space-Time-Soul? Deathless unless you wish for Ignorance?
    • Whenever you intend, you are intending your own suffering. Objective is to not intend and let everything flow through you.
  • Action Items:
    • Refine Cycling Technique: Apply limiters on both ends, list how to attempt to perceive in between (ask a question? Feel for an answer?), and chart path after you make a perception attempt (letting go and flowing)
    • Create routine for dedicated and continuous practice:
      • Dedicated: Environment setup, prep work, time, technique used
      • Continuous: Matching intent to the moment if someone else is in need otherwise continue to cycle
  • Questions for further Analysis: None. I keep reaching this conclusion that the compound is unknowable. I still have the loop theory, but won't know the truth until after I experience a physical death. Only way forward is to refine intent control to cycle on the dualistic chain until I firmly believe that the only separation is through ignorance and to allow both ends to unite without changing how they flow.
Truth Seeker, modified 15 Days ago.

RE: Truth Seeking Log

Posts: 15 Join Date: 2/27/21 Recent Posts
Less a formal log post utilizing format shown above and more an update. Attempted the cycling exercise a couple times and found I was lacking in understanding of the basic variables in practice. I've since done a 180 and will start focusing on Jhana practice. It seems the main sub-variables of Intent are replication and length you can flow with/accept the initiated and following changes without intending again. I plan on going through all 40 meditation objects to choose 2-3 objects that I can replicate the sensations of most easily and accept the sensations that follow. Once chosen, I will have two 1hr sessions daily to start enhancing my intent control over creating a sensation and increasing the time I can accept that sensation without changing it. Once I can enter the first jhana consistently, I will re-format my practice to start incorporating dedicated sessions of insight practice to apply the same acceptance state but with sensations I don't intend. I will also start doing the same from moment to moment, whenever I can, in my everyday life.

I also came across a different translation of The Yoga-Sutra of Patanjali that really resonanted where I'm at. It was written by Chip Hartranft and I highly recommend it as a resource if you are in need of something in its subject matter to ground yourself again on your path. It resonanted with me since it summarizes what I've been doing all this time (conceptualization with some right perception). It also mirrored what I determined was the path forward with its description of practice and non-action.

Educated Guess on Future (background info of my life for more context for others): I spent years trying to perfect my basketball shooting form and another year trying to perfect how to focus in esports (I was manipulating my perception but didn't really understand what I was doing at that time). I also have experienced the sensation before several times of residing within a sensation and not touching, but have never understood what it was and why it happened every now and then. This always seemed to happen when others were helping me, but has also occured when I was extremely irritated with someone and awaiting a reply by just staring at the digital screen. Due to past experience, I'm guessing the sensation mirroring will come easy to me since I know how to control this body pretty well. Residing within the sensation without changing will be more difficult and will take quite some time to accept. I've never liked strong emotion much and usually tried to keep them on lockdown. There's potential that the first time I enter a jhana will initiate an A&P event by connecting all the dots of the conceptualization i've been doing since last July, the perception modification, the body control, and the residing within a sensation.

May be awhile before the next post; depends on my progress with the dedicated practice sessions.
Kaloyan Stefanov, modified 2 Days ago.

RE: Truth Seeking Log

Posts: 3 Join Date: 2/18/21 Recent Posts
Hi Truth Seeker, I hope you don't mind me popping in here to share some thoughts and questions.

Have you had any progress with selecting objects for mediation?

One advice I can share from my practice is "Do not overthink it, go with what works easiest first". From your background description you are likely to be very visual/ body sensory person  (E-sports, hand-eye coordination). Stick to these things maybe. Candle gazing (even without Kasina/visualization) is a great way to access 1st/2nd/3rd Jhana for people who are visual and something I found very beneficial. What I would do is put up a candle (or hell, just a led light from Phone/TV) and stare at it until concentration goes up, and then switch to noticing/noting sensations in the visual field and/or the body and/or thoughts.

Emotions will show up during mediation, that is how it works. I also had strong inclinations to suppress emotions and difficult sensations. One way to approach is to gently incline the mind towards acceptance of said emotions/unpleasant sensations, if they show up. This acceptance and willingness to stay with whatever comes up and experience it fully without any meta-affraidness is someting which is a key component of any meditator's path. Our resistance to these is very deeply ingrained and habitual, so this will likely be a longer term area for you to focus on.