RE: George - practice log 2

george, modified 11 Days ago.

George - practice log 2

Posts: 74 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
Hey everyone. Thought I'd start a new log as the other one is pretty long. 
I had a week off practice to just relax and enjoy life. I'm back at it today. I did a 30 min sit then a 20 min (fell asleep) & then sat for 45 min just then.
I politely asked everyone in the house for a bit of silence. Now I usually would note emotions but I thought I don't realllly need to know what's happening so I just wanted to go into the body and feel stuff without noting what it is. BUT I started to zone out, Not much was coming up either so I started to note everything (sounds, sensensations, itches & lots of them) but I couldn't really note for a long period. This dullness and sleepiness I believe is a defence from the painful stuff, I'll keep sitting this week. Thanks 
George S, modified 11 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 1602 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
george
This dullness and sleepiness I believe is a defence from the painful stuff​​​​​​​

That's a good insight.
george, modified 10 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 74 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
How do you make decisions when everything is so impermanenant? I'm at work off the cushion. Doubt is coming up this morning.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 10 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 1724 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
"so I started to note everything (sounds, sensensations, itches & lots of them) but I couldn't really note for a long period. "

Nice! When energy is too low sleepiness will kick in. Yes could be dependent on some trauma or karma shit but still this is a hindrance. 

Noting Aloud is a very fast way out of such states. Both Kenneth Folk and Shinzen recommend it. It's more interesting to hear oneself speak out those labels. 

I even go further by having open eyes fixed on any kind of small round object infront of me (gentle gazing). Even a dirt spot can do. This will fire up the concentration and even be the source of possible absorption states and phenomena associated with it. 

Think about your sits as a prescious time. You go to gym to work out rather than sleep or dream. Here you train in paying attention to the mind stream unfolding. I would suggest trying to keep it as unbroken as possible. 

If you practice for 45 minutes then note aloud matter of fact experience on a rate of 1-5 sensations a second. If it's easy then fast and whisper or silent. If it's difficult then very loud voice and 1 sensation a second is fine. I even noted loud while in utter misery which I could hear in my voice. But I didn't give up. Acceptance of it all and relax the body every so often. 

You can feel free to ignore all I suggest of course emoticon It's your practice and your mind after all emoticon Best wishes. 
george, modified 10 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 74 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
Dusko, thanks for the push. I will note tonight as best I can. I feel tired already after work but I'm still going to sit and note for 45min.

George.
george, modified 10 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 74 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
Ok sat for 45 min. I was tired, but just kept noting. I was hitting around 5 sensations a sec but it got to a point where I was really tired and dropped to 1 per second. But then it ramped back up again, In the end the pain in my hip was big so I was noting above 5 per second. I'm proud of myself, I've never noted that well before when tired. I usually rest if I'm tired and then sit. Also I've never pushed through with noting that hard! I'm glad that I now know it's possible! Can't wait to go again! Thanks guys for the support!<br /><br />george&nbsp;
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 10 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 1724 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Nice emoticon 

Just remember that speed will change depending on the mind terrain. That all ok as long we are not wasting half the sitting time in hindrances. 

One can use the voice to introduce equanimity and to raise above dullness. In case there is uncertainty if one is noting correct or maybe just imagining stuff, one can use labels "certain" and "uncertain" with each noted sensation.
In case of utter resistance to noting speak the label out loud (very loud) until noting gets more fluid. 

In case of utter dullness one can use word "there is ... (label here once an object is contacted)" Here it's ok to take it easy and not rush stuff unless energy suddenly bursts again which it can. 

Be curious about the Mind Terrain and how to navigate it skillfully so to stay on the task of "paying attention to matter of fact experience for the duration of the entire sit". Of course it will happen that we get lost a bit here and there. All good as long most of the sit we actually lifted the weights of attention in the gym emoticon It's only for 45 minutes anyway and then off cushion is allowed to get lost and sleepy and restless and etc ... 

​​​​​​​Best wishes! 
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Ni Nurta, modified 10 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 654 Join Date: 2/22/20 Recent Posts
Papa Che Dusko
 It's only for 45 minutes anyway and then off cushion is allowed to get lost and sleepy and restless and etc ... 
Wait what?!
This is not how one should practice.
If you really practice then your life becomes the practice and you do it all the time for the rest of your life.
You can ditch 45 minutes on cushion but you cannot get lost, sleepy, restless, etc. off cushion.

Failure to be mindful every moment from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep should be seen as failed day. If you drive on the highway and become distracted you might die and/or kill other people. Treat being mindful in your everyday life the same as if you were driving a car.
That is how one should practice.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 10 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 1724 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Nice to see you again Ni emoticon 

Im suggesting to take it easy off cushionand don't get too stressed about being on top of the game all the time. No reason to become a radical emoticon Cut yourself some slack for well done work on the cushion. 
 
Cushion work will leak more and more into off cushion life until one day you can't tell the difference between what is cushion and what is off cushion as both are just part of the conscious knowing.

Gradual path this is, what I'm talking about. No reason to call a day "failed" if I get lost during the day in scenario dreams while chopping onions just to cut my finger. Shit happens. emoticon 
george, modified 9 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 74 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
Thank guys. I'm still very tired, it was hard getting to sleep last night too and was sweating when I woke up throughout the morning.

I practiced for 30 min tonight, noting again, but I almost fell asleep so just stopped there.

​​​​​​​Going to listen to some music while being in the body and fall asleep. Thanks
george, modified 8 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 74 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
Going to sit tonight again, tired but slept better last night. I'm going to note my fucking ass off, I've had enough of this tired bullshit, yes I'm frustrated too. I will update this.
George S, modified 8 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 1602 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Excellent idea! Go for it! Note the shit out of everything until there's nothing left to note!
george, modified 8 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 74 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
Ok did a 45 min hard noting session & I'm not tired anymore. Again noting feverishly, I went nuts, ive never noted that hard before for that long. I reckon I was over 5 notes a second at one point but this slowed down at the end. Doubt almost derailed me during the sit, while I was noting, my mind was questioning if I was in 3cs and haven't crossed the A&P. That one can get me sometimes!! But I just noted doubt, the feeling in the body and the mental talk and just kept going. Phew that was intense. Thanks George for the encouragement!! Tomorrow night I'm doing it again, nothing different!
george, modified 7 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 74 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
So today is my birthday. I went out for dinner with family and had a few grappas, as you do, ya know. Tomorrow I practice!!! 

​​​​​​​george
George S, modified 7 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 1602 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Happy Birthday! Practice is whatever you are doing :-)
george, modified 7 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 74 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
Amen to that, thanks George.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 7 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 1724 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
As its written in a famous Sutta " Always mindful him sips the grappa , always mindful he orders some more grappa ..." 

emoticon Happy B-day have a good one! emoticon 

​​​​​​​Cheers!
george, modified 6 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 74 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
They actually say grappa? Hahaha. It's my sisters wedding tomorrow, I thought I was going to sit but that is not going to happen! Thanks 
George 
george, modified 3 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 74 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
Ok my birthday and sisters wedding is all over. I was still practicing in daily life just not formal sit down practice. Some of the things I do in daily life is notice sounds, notice sensations in the body and how the body reacts to stimuli from outside the body. I also notice how my body moves through space and the feeling of the ground under my feet. Also when talking to people I notice emotions coming up and instead of reacting to them I'll hold them in awareness. I have never been able to do this before so I'm happy I can now BUT it is reallllly difficult for me and I think is the reason why I'm so tired, I'm holding a lot of anger, frustration, impatience in awareness and it's changing but Its dissolving very slowly. I still don't react, in fact I'm a totally different person. I'm more positive despite the heavy emotions and I can open up to people A LOT easier, I'm more confident.
I kicked off sitting down practice yesterday and I was so tired I couldn't sit for longer then 20 min. I'm currently listening to some music and relaxing, getting ready to sit. I'm tired as fuck but I'm going to sit. I'll see what's in store for me tonight!

george
George S, modified 3 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 1602 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
It is a difficult and tiring process, so it’s great that you were able to maintain it through something like a family wedding which could easily bring up some reactivity! It’s important to remember that you are opening up long-held patterns of repression and reactivity, so it’s bound to be a slow process with some missteps and relapses along the way. Try to have some compassion (understanding, sympathy, patience) for yourself just like I’ve seen you do for other people on here going through similar things.

This work is really the hard part of the path (insight is relatively easy by comparison!) Tiredness is actually a useful signal that some part of you is resisting or judging what is happening. Of course at first it’s tiring all the time (because resisting and judging is how the reactive patterns developed), so it’s not a particularly useful signal! But over time you can tune into that feeling of tiredness and ask questions like ‘what part of my body is resisting this?’ or ‘am I judging that this emotion is not ok or I shouldn’t be feeling like this?’
george, modified 2 Days ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 74 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
Hey George, thanks mate! Yeah the tiredness has been an issue for as long as I can remember. I've always slept in for school, work & other engagements. Just ask my family, they know all about my wake up routine. Also about my really irritable mood in the mornings. BUT now I'm actually waking up easier I'm feeling tired more at night now rather than in the mornings and actually feel rested when I wake up, this has never been the case since I've existed on this planet.

Last night I managed to fall asleep while listening to music and didn't sit but I woke up earlier in the morning before work and sat for 20 minutes, this has never happened in my practice life.

Earlier on this evening I had an unpleasant conversation with my parents involving my brother and some troubles he's having at school. They mentioned that he's not happy doing what he's doing at school and he wants to try something different. This didn't sound right to me. For the past month I've really been mindful while talking to my parents making sure I hold my emotions in awareness and I did the same tonight. Anger, frustration, disbelief. They do say some ridiculous stuff but I can see them reacting to doubt, fear and anxiety they're experiencing.

I then spoke to my brother about what my parents mentioned, again not reacting to fear and anxiety but holding those emotions in awareness and speaking with a little compassion & kindness but more direct. My parents were saying that he's not enjoying the subject he was doing at school so I asked him "what's coming up for you when you get to school." He mention he felt embarrassment and ashamed for some of his behaviour in class. Then I said no wonder you don't enjoy your subject anymore because it's bringing up embarrassment and shame, you don't want to be in that class room!! He mistook it for not being interested in what he's doing anymore, but I knew otherwise because he loves what he's learning!! I told him to try to engage in the classroom in a positive way, he doesn't have to be smart, funny or cool but just contribute positively. I also mentioned to him that he has to talk about these emotions to his psychologist so that they can assist him in dealing with them appropriately. Anyway he felt a lot better after that, but it took a lot of energy out of me. 
I still sat for 30min, I was drained but it got to a point where I went beyond fatigue and it kinda went away. After a while I started to notice that I haven't been noting internal talk!! I had in the past been able to watch the mind talk endlessly and just notice it, in fact I had the ability before I started meditating to just watch the talking mind and not react, that's what turned me to meditation! Although lately I've identified with internal talk. Not tonight though! I started to experiment and began talking while watching myself talk. After a while random words, sounds, songs just started to pop up. There was also a murmur of sorts, not even words just sounds. When ever one of these random words shot out an image of the person saying it came up too. I also noticed really quiet or small (talking) thoughts try and slip past from time to time. Really interesting. I'm going to focus on internal talk again tomorrow night! Thanks 
george, modified 14 Hours ago.

RE: George - practice log 2

Posts: 74 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
Sitting was easier last night, I only did a 30 min sit but the fatigue is dissolving, now I’m starting to space out though. I was trying to do noting out loud but I’m getting I guess a little sleepy or dull/lost and just being a space kadet for 1-2 sec several times in a sit. Also noticed resistance to sitting in this sit and tuned into it when it came up! These are all defence strategies from the mind, a firewall. Not going to stop though!Noting internal talk more but it’s not really there, it’s  actually pretty quiet, there’s more imagery then anything, but maybe I can tune into the image space better? It’s more resistance and spacing out, I wonder if shit is going to hit the fan when I get on the other side?

Tonight I'm fucking exhausted. I want to punch myself in the face how frustrated I am. I will sit but this is fucking bullshit. Maybe I'll punch a wall instead. A soft wall. Actually I'm not frustrated I'm fucking furious. 

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