Hey everyone. Thought I'd start a new log as the other one is pretty long. 
I had a week off practice to just relax and enjoy life. I'm back at it today. I did a 30 min sit then a 20 min (fell asleep) & then sat for 45 min just then.
I politely asked everyone in the house for a bit of silence. Now I usually would note emotions but I thought I don't realllly need to know what's happening so I just wanted to go into the body and feel stuff without noting what it is. BUT I started to zone out, Not much was coming up either so I started to note everything (sounds, sensensations, itches & lots of them) but I couldn't really note for a long period. This dullness and sleepiness I believe is a defence from the painful stuff, I'll keep sitting this week. Thanks 

That's a good insight.

How do you make decisions when everything is so impermanenant? I'm at work off the cushion. Doubt is coming up this morning.

"so I started to note everything (sounds, sensensations, itches & lots of them) but I couldn't really note for a long period. "

Nice! When energy is too low sleepiness will kick in. Yes could be dependent on some trauma or karma shit but still this is a hindrance. 

Noting Aloud is a very fast way out of such states. Both Kenneth Folk and Shinzen recommend it. It's more interesting to hear oneself speak out those labels. 

I even go further by having open eyes fixed on any kind of small round object infront of me (gentle gazing). Even a dirt spot can do. This will fire up the concentration and even be the source of possible absorption states and phenomena associated with it. 

Think about your sits as a prescious time. You go to gym to work out rather than sleep or dream. Here you train in paying attention to the mind stream unfolding. I would suggest trying to keep it as unbroken as possible. 

If you practice for 45 minutes then note aloud matter of fact experience on a rate of 1-5 sensations a second. If it's easy then fast and whisper or silent. If it's difficult then very loud voice and 1 sensation a second is fine. I even noted loud while in utter misery which I could hear in my voice. But I didn't give up. Acceptance of it all and relax the body every so often. 

You can feel free to ignore all I suggest of course It's your practice and your mind after all Best wishes. 

Dusko, thanks for the push. I will note tonight as best I can. I feel tired already after work but I'm still going to sit and note for 45min.

George.

Ok sat for 45 min. I was tired, but just kept noting. I was hitting around 5 sensations a sec but it got to a point where I was really tired and dropped to 1 per second. But then it ramped back up again, In the end the pain in my hip was big so I was noting above 5 per second. I'm proud of myself, I've never noted that well before when tired. I usually rest if I'm tired and then sit. Also I've never pushed through with noting that hard! I'm glad that I now know it's possible! Can't wait to go again! Thanks guys for the support!<br /><br />george&nbsp;

Nice  

Just remember that speed will change depending on the mind terrain. That all ok as long we are not wasting half the sitting time in hindrances. 

One can use the voice to introduce equanimity and to raise above dullness. In case there is uncertainty if one is noting correct or maybe just imagining stuff, one can use labels "certain" and "uncertain" with each noted sensation.
In case of utter resistance to noting speak the label out loud (very loud) until noting gets more fluid. 

In case of utter dullness one can use word "there is ... (label here once an object is contacted)" Here it's ok to take it easy and not rush stuff unless energy suddenly bursts again which it can. 

Be curious about the Mind Terrain and how to navigate it skillfully so to stay on the task of "paying attention to matter of fact experience for the duration of the entire sit". Of course it will happen that we get lost a bit here and there. All good as long most of the sit we actually lifted the weights of attention in the gym It's only for 45 minutes anyway and then off cushion is allowed to get lost and sleepy and restless and etc ... 

​​​​​​​Best wishes! 

Wait what?!
This is not how one should practice.
If you really practice then your life becomes the practice and you do it all the time for the rest of your life.
You can ditch 45 minutes on cushion but you cannot get lost, sleepy, restless, etc. off cushion.

Failure to be mindful every moment from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep should be seen as failed day. If you drive on the highway and become distracted you might die and/or kill other people. Treat being mindful in your everyday life the same as if you were driving a car.
That is how one should practice.

Nice to see you again Ni  

Im suggesting to take it easy off cushionand don't get too stressed about being on top of the game all the time. No reason to become a radical Cut yourself some slack for well done work on the cushion. 
 
Cushion work will leak more and more into off cushion life until one day you can't tell the difference between what is cushion and what is off cushion as both are just part of the conscious knowing.

Gradual path this is, what I'm talking about. No reason to call a day "failed" if I get lost during the day in scenario dreams while chopping onions just to cut my finger. Shit happens.  

Thank guys. I'm still very tired, it was hard getting to sleep last night too and was sweating when I woke up throughout the morning.

I practiced for 30 min tonight, noting again, but I almost fell asleep so just stopped there.

​​​​​​​Going to listen to some music while being in the body and fall asleep. Thanks

Going to sit tonight again, tired but slept better last night. I'm going to note my fucking ass off, I've had enough of this tired bullshit, yes I'm frustrated too. I will update this.

Excellent idea! Go for it! Note the shit out of everything until there's nothing left to note!

Ok did a 45 min hard noting session & I'm not tired anymore. Again noting feverishly, I went nuts, ive never noted that hard before for that long. I reckon I was over 5 notes a second at one point but this slowed down at the end. Doubt almost derailed me during the sit, while I was noting, my mind was questioning if I was in 3cs and haven't crossed the A&P. That one can get me sometimes!! But I just noted doubt, the feeling in the body and the mental talk and just kept going. Phew that was intense. Thanks George for the encouragement!! Tomorrow night I'm doing it again, nothing different!

So today is my birthday. I went out for dinner with family and had a few grappas, as you do, ya know. Tomorrow I practice!!! 

​​​​​​​george

Happy Birthday! Practice is whatever you are doing :-)

Amen to that, thanks George.

As its written in a famous Sutta " Always mindful him sips the grappa , always mindful he orders some more grappa ..." 

Happy B-day have a good one!  

​​​​​​​Cheers!

They actually say grappa? Hahaha. It's my sisters wedding tomorrow, I thought I was going to sit but that is not going to happen! Thanks 
George 

Ok my birthday and sisters wedding is all over. I was still practicing in daily life just not formal sit down practice. Some of the things I do in daily life is notice sounds, notice sensations in the body and how the body reacts to stimuli from outside the body. I also notice how my body moves through space and the feeling of the ground under my feet. Also when talking to people I notice emotions coming up and instead of reacting to them I'll hold them in awareness. I have never been able to do this before so I'm happy I can now BUT it is reallllly difficult for me and I think is the reason why I'm so tired, I'm holding a lot of anger, frustration, impatience in awareness and it's changing but Its dissolving very slowly. I still don't react, in fact I'm a totally different person. I'm more positive despite the heavy emotions and I can open up to people A LOT easier, I'm more confident.
I kicked off sitting down practice yesterday and I was so tired I couldn't sit for longer then 20 min. I'm currently listening to some music and relaxing, getting ready to sit. I'm tired as fuck but I'm going to sit. I'll see what's in store for me tonight!

george

It is a difficult and tiring process, so it’s great that you were able to maintain it through something like a family wedding which could easily bring up some reactivity! It’s important to remember that you are opening up long-held patterns of repression and reactivity, so it’s bound to be a slow process with some missteps and relapses along the way. Try to have some compassion (understanding, sympathy, patience) for yourself just like I’ve seen you do for other people on here going through similar things.

This work is really the hard part of the path (insight is relatively easy by comparison!) Tiredness is actually a useful signal that some part of you is resisting or judging what is happening. Of course at first it’s tiring all the time (because resisting and judging is how the reactive patterns developed), so it’s not a particularly useful signal! But over time you can tune into that feeling of tiredness and ask questions like ‘what part of my body is resisting this?’ or ‘am I judging that this emotion is not ok or I shouldn’t be feeling like this?’

Hey George, thanks mate! Yeah the tiredness has been an issue for as long as I can remember. I've always slept in for school, work & other engagements. Just ask my family, they know all about my wake up routine. Also about my really irritable mood in the mornings. BUT now I'm actually waking up easier I'm feeling tired more at night now rather than in the mornings and actually feel rested when I wake up, this has never been the case since I've existed on this planet.

Last night I managed to fall asleep while listening to music and didn't sit but I woke up earlier in the morning before work and sat for 20 minutes, this has never happened in my practice life.

Earlier on this evening I had an unpleasant conversation with my parents involving my brother and some troubles he's having at school. They mentioned that he's not happy doing what he's doing at school and he wants to try something different. This didn't sound right to me. For the past month I've really been mindful while talking to my parents making sure I hold my emotions in awareness and I did the same tonight. Anger, frustration, disbelief. They do say some ridiculous stuff but I can see them reacting to doubt, fear and anxiety they're experiencing.

I then spoke to my brother about what my parents mentioned, again not reacting to fear and anxiety but holding those emotions in awareness and speaking with a little compassion & kindness but more direct. My parents were saying that he's not enjoying the subject he was doing at school so I asked him "what's coming up for you when you get to school." He mention he felt embarrassment and ashamed for some of his behaviour in class. Then I said no wonder you don't enjoy your subject anymore because it's bringing up embarrassment and shame, you don't want to be in that class room!! He mistook it for not being interested in what he's doing anymore, but I knew otherwise because he loves what he's learning!! I told him to try to engage in the classroom in a positive way, he doesn't have to be smart, funny or cool but just contribute positively. I also mentioned to him that he has to talk about these emotions to his psychologist so that they can assist him in dealing with them appropriately. Anyway he felt a lot better after that, but it took a lot of energy out of me. 
I still sat for 30min, I was drained but it got to a point where I went beyond fatigue and it kinda went away. After a while I started to notice that I haven't been noting internal talk!! I had in the past been able to watch the mind talk endlessly and just notice it, in fact I had the ability before I started meditating to just watch the talking mind and not react, that's what turned me to meditation! Although lately I've identified with internal talk. Not tonight though! I started to experiment and began talking while watching myself talk. After a while random words, sounds, songs just started to pop up. There was also a murmur of sorts, not even words just sounds. When ever one of these random words shot out an image of the person saying it came up too. I also noticed really quiet or small (talking) thoughts try and slip past from time to time. Really interesting. I'm going to focus on internal talk again tomorrow night! Thanks 

Sitting was easier last night, I only did a 30 min sit but the fatigue is dissolving, now I’m starting to space out though. I was trying to do noting out loud but I’m getting I guess a little sleepy or dull/lost and just being a space kadet for 1-2 sec several times in a sit. Also noticed resistance to sitting in this sit and tuned into it when it came up! These are all defence strategies from the mind, a firewall. Not going to stop though!Noting internal talk more but it’s not really there, it’s  actually pretty quiet, there’s more imagery then anything, but maybe I can tune into the image space better? It’s more resistance and spacing out, I wonder if shit is going to hit the fan when I get on the other side?

Tonight I'm fucking exhausted. I want to punch myself in the face how frustrated I am. I will sit but this is fucking bullshit. Maybe I'll punch a wall instead. A soft wall. Actually I'm not frustrated I'm fucking furious. 

Okayyyy, I'm fresh as a daisy today, even after work. Long story short! A couple of weeks ago I put money into crypto currency and it's been driving me insane, I've thankfully got out Scott free though.
There's a priest that comes into work, we work on his car and we had a chat about money, he gave me some scripture to read which I'm going to do tonight before I sit.
So that's what was draining me, i believe, but why did I turn to it in the first place? Well it was a great escape from having to practice, even though I still practiced, the investing took so much energy out of me that I couldn't commit to sitting for extended periods of time. So I think it was a part of me resisting. I've taken my money out of the trading companies and I'm not going near investing. I'm having a quiet weekend, I'm going to sit and investigate my experience and see what comes up. Not angry as much tonight : ))

Investing into the investigation of one's own experience! now that is a very good investment!  

1Tim 6:6-21 is glorious. I understand organised religion gets a bad wrap but the words in the bible are from awakened people so many of us don't listen to them. A lot of people I feel just go to church because they feel guilty & feel like it's the right thing to do, even some people that attend church don't listen!! They just pretend to worship a picture or a cross, what about the words, what about the teachings? That's where Jesus is. That's where all the prophets are! If you notice the teachings in the bible they all explain behaviours of awakened people or describe what happens when we're not mindful, they're talking about present moment experience!!

So true Dusko!! Thanks for your words. Tonight I sat for 40 min noting. There were times when I couldn't note how much stuff was happening so I went into noticing mode and then when it slowed down I talked them out. Fatigue was and is still here and I got dull especially at the end, lots of zoning out and then coming back. The mind ain't liking what I'm doing! Sorry mind but could you please comply? Tomorrow I have a whole day free so want to sit at least twice. Peace out ✌️ 

I've had an easy day, I sat today during the day for 40min but im exhausted yet again. It's tough! What am I resisting? Am I resisting fatigue? What is happening? I'm going to sit again tonight and continue to investigate!

Ahhhh!!! The need to control my experience! My experience is not what I want it to be! Control, craving and aversion or resistance to what is!! Hahaha, I was noticing it in my sit tonight and just dropped it! Everything was smoother!! Granted I took a nap before sitting as I was exhausted and it was really quiet in the house, so I wasn't entangled in aversion but I saw it! I noticed how tension in the body is gone when there's less craving and aversion. Less suffering! The dog was barking and that made me startled but it was felt and it dissolved quicker too! Things just came and went in the body effortlessly. WOW! No altered state of consciousness just noticing my plain normal old experience! That's so awesome!

Great! Quite a cycle you've been through in the last few days. It's interesting when you start to see the same old patterns playing out in real-time in a speeded up version ... makes you wonder where it's all leading :-)

No doubt because there is less judgement and resistance, more crap has a chance to come up now!
So craving and aversion is the root of it all? 

Yup that's basically it! (and ignorance as well, ignoring stuff)

Thanks George! I sat just then for 45 min and said to myself, I'm going to stop searching for stuff to happen and just let it appear to me. No effort in this sit, just noticing. Mental chatter, sounds but special attention was put on craving and aversion and tension in the body. My left shoulder and jaw always starts to tense up when ever there is craving or aversion. It was mostly a pleasant sit. Will sit again tonight.

Earlier during the day I had anger, guilt, shame come up while talking with family members which was hard to deal with but it subsided after a while.
I Sat for another hour just then and it was such a relief! I'm so happy that I don't have to control anything! There was physical pain but body was light, smooth, no tension or very minimal tension. I feel rested after that sit. It was amazing. It was a mix of noting, body scanning for resistance/tension and little bit of mindful talk therapy. Example : there's that thought, what's the say to you? You're angry, where is it in the body? Etc. BUT I felt nothing come up in the body, there was no emotional output in the body, in fact I didn't feel startled at sounds or no emotional reaction from people talking, nothing, just a constant beautiful glow. I'm thinking I got a little bit concentrated there?

Some stuff coming up. I'm feeling my parents suffering. I'm crying because I don't want it to be like that for them, yes there's resistance to what is. They experience so much pain & suffering, I don't feel responsible, I just wish it was easier for them. I feel like they've sacrificed their lives for mine. I want to show them my complete love for them. I just want them to have a bit of freedom, joy, ease, peace in their lives. I'm heart broken 

I have this heavy feeling in my stomach/solar plexus. This feeling came up before when I thought I'd experienced an A&P. I couldn't handle it then, I don't know what it is. It feels like a deep pit in my stomach, dread, despair? It's shifting to tension in the chest. My body is tensing up around it too. The body has contorted itself around the sensation. There is aversion towards it. This is heavy duty shit! The emotion is like the cowboy that sits in the corner of a bar in darkness with his wide brim hat. 

There is aversion & resistance to my experience. There is the idea that something is wrong, something is not right and I need to control it. I'm dropping the tendency to control when I see it.

That's good. Acceptance is what it comes down to at the end of the day ... that is the only thing you can actually control!

I wish I never heard the words arising and passing away. I sat for 35 min. It was pleasant then it wasn't. You really don't want to see what I just wrote. I'm sick of it all. Fucken pointless, just Fucken break me already.

It's all craving and aversion. That's it. I was clinging to the pleasant state last night that's why it went, then I was resisting the shit feeling and craving the pleasant. I'm feeling grumpy but I know what I have to do. I need to learn how to let go, stop controlling everything by releasing tension in the body. Does anyone else have any instructions on how to let go easier or is it just a learning process? Thanks 

At a certain point you've seen yourself go through these cycles enough times that you get sick of doing it to yourself - clinging to the pleasant and resisting the unpleasant. You see that it generates dukkha every single time, and since the cycles are compressing you can't hide from it like you used to. So you say fuck it, today I'm going to try something different, I'm going to embrace the suck instead and see if I get a different result ...

Pointers? Yes. 1-10 sensations noted per second for the duration of the whole minimum 45 minutes sit. If too difficult then do noting aloud. Hearing your own voice will be motivating and will keep you away from getting lost much in scenario spins like the ones you mention above. 

​​​​​​​Practice well. 

Ok thanks guys, you're the best. This is so funny, I go through the same thing, ask the same questions and I get the same answers. I can see the cycle now, before I was lost and confused now I can see what's happening. Thank you very much guys. I'm gonna smash it tonight!! 

So I sat for 45 min noting. I couldn't keep up constant noting. Zoned out several times. I then notice it and turn the energy up and started noting again which brought up pleasantness! I can't remember exactly if I zoned out during the pleasantness but it would make sense. Zoning out is a way of clinging to pleasant states also? It's alternating fast between craving and aversion. I stopped practice at aversion though damn it! Now I feel physically sick and tired. Slippery little sucker craving and aversion!

Zoning out is usually a way of avoiding unpleasant stuff. But maybe you were afraid of losing the pleasantness and pre-emptively zoned out to avoid that? Craving and aversion sound like opposites but aversion to something is really just craving for not-something.

When I examine craving/aversion up close it feels like watching a single cell organism under a microscope, just blindly veering towards some stuff and away from other stuff :-)

Yes thanks George. When I get the good feeling i stop noting because I want to feel it but then I start to zone out. So I zone out because I've stopped noting. Also I feel scared to let go at times with the unpleasant stuff, my body clings to it? This sounds all opposite though so I'm confused. Anyway more investigating needed.

Ok starting to practice, just lying down and listening to music. A little tired, can anyone say resistance? I've been efforting all day, trying to get everything the way I want with work related stuff. Now I know why I'm fatigued! If there was no resistance there wouldn't be a need for effort! Surely you can do a precise job without effort? Haha, isn't that the goal?
I'm going into pleasant fantasies now, noticing and then noting.
I sat for 30 min 25 min which was flat out non stop noting. I then started to zone out and become lost or fall asleep going into a dream state so I stopped. At work tomorrow I'm going to do everything I can with patience, effortless work!!! I'll keep note on how I feel after. I reckon a retreat would be a good idea this year too but I'll see how I go.

so I'm lying down again to fall asleep and I had a lot of tension in my chest and belly. This was the tension from today's efforting at work! This was what I was resisting! As I was watching it though the funniest thing happened, the body started to curl my feet inward and involuntarily stretch the feet muscle. It was such a relief and tension it the chest and belly dissolved! Instantly! It came back again though so I stretched the top part of my feet, again releasing tension and dissolving the tension in the chest area. So I started massaging myself! It feels amazing! The body knows what it needs!

Yes, it is possible to cling to unpleasant stuff! (and actually pretty common) Because it's so familiar it might feel comfortable in some way and letting go of it seems threatening. It is also possible to feel aversion towards pleasant stuff, as if it were not "right" for us or we don't deserve it in some way. All sorts of permutations are possible regarding wanting/not-wanting pleasant/unpleasant, so 'craving' is the catch-all word which basically means 'I want my experience to be different from what it actually is right now'. And the opposite of craving is acceptance, which you could say means 'let me get really interested in what my experience right now actually is' (rather than what I think it should be be or mean).

Hey sorry I missed your reply George. Yeah that makes sense, despite it feeling unpleasant it's your comfort zone, it's what you're used to. Also with the pleasant sensations I sit with it and then get fearful that I will lose it! Then I'm like fuck, not this shit again. So I sit with the shit, that dissolves and then pleasantness comes and then get fearful again and then back to shit. It's like running into a wall repeatedly. But I'm just repeating what I've already said above the other night. Fucking hell.

The problem here is that I don't have enough clarity with what craving actually is. I see awareness moving and wanting to latch onto things sometimes but not all the time and then I notice the zoning out also but there's stuff missing. Knowledge is incomplete

ahhh it's a habit! It's just doing it because that's what it's been doing for years!!

Driving to work. Can see the body tensing up, releasing, positive feeling, then anxiety, then the body tensing up again. In the space of about 10 sec

lots of craving atm. Mostly which is stemming from a need to understand intellectually what I'm going through. I have been sitting but been slack. I just want to give up on trying to understand everything.
There is judgement toward my experience, I feel it in the body. I feel as if the body is trying to dodge sensations, or tensing up because its resisting fear of letting go!
I'm piss farting around. I need to practice and note. I'm just wasting time with all this other stuff. 

Good. Each time you go through the dukkha nanas it's trying to teach you something.

Hey George thanks mate! Always love seeing your name in the replies! Ok sat for 40 min and noted the whole way through. It wasn't fast noting it was 2-3 notes per second. I saw the mind/body wanting to zone out so I stepped the noting up. This happened all throughout the sit. Watching how the mind wants to zone out and then intentionally switching on with loud noting and also saying NO to the dull zoning out. There was effort involved obviously but I noted that too. Energy high, energy low, judgment of experience,  efforting and catching dullness before it fully set in. I've learnt something with this sit, before I subliminally let the zoning out come in!! This time I said NO not today! It still came, but I can just turn up the energy with noting!!

Well done No to being lost in la-la land and yes to clear comprehantion. 

Some people believe that one is to let into "open awareness" and just be but if honest we quickly realize that some sort of scenario spin , silent or narrative, will pull us away from clear comprehantion of matter of fact phenomena.

I used to speak out loud when there was lots of resistance or sleepiness. Real loud. Also during the last Re-observation I used out loud spoked labels. At least one per second and keep at it, matter of fact, with utter acceptance, humble, as if there is nothing g else left in the whole world but This, and This, and This, and This , and ...

Ok, I talk too much again. Sorry for that. I wanted to say well done! and best wishes! 

Hey Dusko, no, don't shut up! thank you. I like to hear people's practice and what is working for them. I really appreciate you telling me! Obviously I've heard Daniel & Shinzen talking about spoken labels when dullness sets in but that's just one source! When you hear that many other yogis are using that technique with success then it then it hits home. Thanks mate!

AND yes you're right with the silent motives going on underneath. They're so quick and silent, you can only see them CLEARLY if you're noting well. There's the pitfall of control though when noting or clinging to a sensation that happens but if you're noting properly then you just note that too!

practiced again today for another 40mins. Much of the same thing really. Noted right through. zoned out a little but I noted it. Was sitting with the resistance, the not wanting to note feeling and then started to zone out for a second or 2 and caught it. Then saying NOOO not gonna happen & resumed normal noting with a louder voice. 

Sat for 1 hour and 20 min through pain, resistance and momentary zoning out. Again catching the zoning out before it became a big zoning out and noting it. This sit was constant noting, although I adjusted my leg as my right hip always kills, i have a torn ligament in it. Lots of pain in the scapula region, this has come up quiet a lot before. It was dissolving and then coming back again, right now it has eased. Mostly noting sounds, images, internal talk, didn't want to dive into noting emotions, just wanted to bang out the basic sensations that came up, to keep it simple. Although doubt did show up and is here now, hello doubt! I just noted and moved on, again there was craving with the doubt. There was an big desire to try to rationalise it, NO not going to happen. Mind mumbles on about something, move on. 

You can easily shove the emotions into the Feeling Tone category Just note if its Pleasant, Neutral or Unpleasant. 

Hi
I just scanned your whole log. I have this same problem with Staci - she always gets sleepy and sometimes falls asleep. Remember sleepiness is a hinderance not meditation. There are many techniques to deal with sleepiness but I agree with all the good advice Papa Che gave you - note aloud, note louder and note everything. Note the sleepiness. Investigate it. What does it fell like? Note everything you can about it. If you are legitimately too tired, you should break the session for another time but try to work with it, and try to learn something from it. HTH.

Thanks guys! Woke up extra early to some more unpleasant sensations. Yesssss about time, bring it on!! Motivation and determination is high.

gee that motivation was short lived. Managed a 30 min sit tonight, I'm going to try and practice in the morning.

shame and embarrassment came up last night in the 30min sit. 

Thanks Sam, when it arises I will investigate. I sat for 45 min last night and was noting. Then I just had enough, i just wanted peace and to stop striving for everything, there was too much effort involved. So I just sat there, still noticing stuff but not very precise. When I went to bed there was tension in the body, and then I remembered talking to my mum earlier about Jesus and how he said said "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit" and I said just do as you wish, I'm tired of having to control. I let go, I stopped resisting. Instantly felt like brand new. Tonight when I sit I want to notice resistance as it arises and watch it dissolve.

So I want to sit tonight but i don't want to effort. I've had enough of effort. So I'm not going to search, I'm going to let the sensations find me.
I'm dropping effort at work too. I'm still doing work and there still is some level of effort but whenever tension arises I just drop it. It's way easier to just drop tension and suffering. I picture myself walking on a tight rope balancing plates on my head and then I just say to myself, fuck this, throw the plates on the ground, jump off the tight rope and walk on the ground!! So easy, what is all the fuss about! 

So I'm noting and then it gets pleasant, the body is not disturbed in anyway but I stop noting! The pleasantness reels me in and I bask in it. I sat for 30 min just then, noting the pleasantness. If I sit with it without noting for a while I will zone out and go into lala land. Today I noted it though but had to stop at 30min because it was over powering to the point where I couldn't note and I started to zone out. The feeling itself is not zoning out because I have no reaction to anything happening outside of me. People would be fighting outside my room and I'd wait for an unpleasant sensation to arise but it doesn't come up! Where as zoning out I would still get frightened and would react. Anyway i want to note the pleasantness!!

You're allowed to take a break from noting and bask in the pleasantness for a bit! God knows you've earned it! Pleasant feelings are part of the healing process. Don't worry, dukkha will show up soon enough for you to investigate!
​​​​​​​

Hey George thanks mate. Im doing more of feeling pleasant stuff it's much needed! Zoning out is still there though, Today I have only sat twice for 30 min. In between Ive been very aware and mindful of my words, the way I walk, how much energy I put into doing tasks, breath etc. but as soon as I sit. I'm tired. I really want to sit for longer but understand I can't force it. Step by step i guess. I thought I was getting equanimity with all this pleasant stuff, I guess not, which is fine I'm just going to have to investigate fatigue more it looks like it!! As soon as I do though, I start noting weird stuff that's within thoughts, or I'll mix up my noting words. For example when I say feel I think I'm saying "Phil" and my mate pops up into my head. Ahahahaha. Thanks mate!

Tired, angry, frustrated, irritated, disgusted, fed up. I'm not sitting tonight, I'm just going to listen to music and still kinda practice without actually sitting.

Currently attempting to punch a hole through the universe.... mindfully

Sat 40 min​​​​​​​. Noting at a rate of minimum 1 note a second. Was very tired at the start, didn't want to sit but I got up and sat anyway. Was tired, then I got a burst of energy and motivation, then went to shit again, then another burst and then to shit. Lots of arrogance, anger, body pains, resistance, zoning out, no energy, childhood memories of getting bullied, tension in body, questioning. Hardest sit I've done, I'm going to give myself a really big hug.

going to practice metta towards myself while drifting off to sleep as suggested by George s before.

It's tough but whatever is happening its working. Im definitely working towards being a better person, I see it everyday and I feel blessed. Such an honor to be apart of this community and be able to just write freely to people I've never met before. Ok bed time, thank you again. Love to all.

Jealously brings up the arrogance. I notice this in daily life

Resting in samadhi for 45 min last night. Little bit of noting, nothing crazy.

​​​​​​​no clarity 

Tired, very angry, I've exploded at people, arrogance, know it all fuckwit. This is daily life before tonight's sit. I shall sit and note the dukkha, nothing better to do anyway.

25 min sit. I noted 1 a sec. tired, body is aching, so exhausted. I almost vomited, I feel disgusting, irritated and angry. Body is tense, have to relax body constantly. Pretty Fucken hard. Bed time

Wow, so sorry you're going through all this. Been there in my Dukkha Nanas. First thing, give yourself a big hug. You got through it. You made it. Meditation will bring up all this stuff. The only thing to do is what you have been doing: keey practicing!

Thanks Sam : )

Yes, Dukkha Nanas can be very edgy and so can the 3C Nana. 

In the start we love this path, then we hate it, then we really really love it, then we really fucking hate it, and then we are simply ok with all of it  

Try maybe to find time during weekends to practice full on noting for at least 45 minutes once even twice, as you will be more rested. I agree it can be very hard doing noting when tired from work. 

However some sort of daily practice is required for this to work (in my opinion and experience). 
During work days just keep at least one 45 minutes sit even if you are just doing Calm-abiding Shamatha and simply noticing without labels. Basically just hang in there by relaxing the body with each in and outbreathing. You get lost, ok, gently return to knowing if you are in or outbreathing. Note tiredness and that's fine. 

Come weekend find time during the day when you feel awake and energetic (in my case this is around 10-11h in the morning but does last to 14h so I squeeze in another sit or two between 10-14h). 

This way you really get to dig in into the mind stream. You stay at it 1-3 sensations a second. You stay at it even if you need to note aloud. No getting lost or doubting or else. Just treat these weekend sessions as quality gym time. No slacking. Do one such 45 minute sit but really do it for the duration. If you do extra ok but make it count. 

This is just a tip which might or might not work or suit you. You decide. 

Best wishes and practice well! 

In the start we love this path, then we hate it, then we really really love it, then we really fucking hate it, and then we are simply ok with all of it  

lol, amen. This is the t-shirt slogan of the week.

Thanks dusko for the encouragement. I'm going to do whatever I can. Weekdays I'm going to try and do 45 min and my weekends are going to be dedicated to sitting Saturday and Sunday. I just sat for 35 min noting and I'm exhausted. Im zoning out and want to sleep. I'm just going to keep going, even 30 min a day until something opens up with this fatigue.

I'm not going to stop, no way, onwards and forwards. 

Sat for over 45 mins. Noting 1-5 sensations a second. I felt like shit at the start and just said ok, I'm practicing. Nothing is stopping me tonight. The shit feeling made me more motivated, why else am I sitting for? This is my FUEL, the best fuel! Stuff came up I noted it, was spaced out several times but I noted it and continued powering on. Not holding onto sensations, just noting and moving and if I lingered on a sensation I just noted craving and powered on. I'm in Melbourne, Australia and we're having another COVID lockdown so no excuse this weekend, going to practice my ass off. Thanks everyone for the support!

Great attitude!

Woke up at 5am and sat for 30 mins noting 1-3 sps. Body was in a frozen state of buzzing tension that would not release, perfect fuel. Practice wasn't really precise. Went back to sleep. After waking up I sat again at 12:30pm for 45min. This time more precise noting 1-5 sps zoning out a little but more of a dullness rather than zoning out. Again body was in a state of frozen tension I just noted it and continued! Tension is just about all gone. It can stay though, I don't mind. Going to work on a project of mine now and then practice later on tonight. Thanks

Ok I did an hour sit tonight. For 45 min I was Noting 1-5, again some dullness and thoughts pulling me in. Not exhausted though, totally manageable and notable dullness and little zoning out. When there was no clarity I slowed my noting down to be more precise and it helped. It was really just noting sensations in the body like tingling, itches, noting hearing and images in the mind. Mental talk again is somewhat elusive or very quiet. The last 15 min I had pain in my hip so I really didn't note. I just sat there with it trying to pin point the center, really get in there. It Fukn hurt. Usually I'd get a second pillow under my right knee to relieve the pain but this time I wanted to feel it completely. The relief of stretching my leg out after was amazing!! Worth it! That frozen tension I had at the start of the day is gone, Body is mostly relaxed now.

I should point out that I felt guilty going to work on my project. I thought I should be sitting and practicing. I noticed that guilt and went and enjoyed my work anyway. I made an effort to do each process on my work with effortlessness, releasing tension when I got worked up and just being patient. I realllly works, it makes my work way better. Everything just flows nicely. Like someone playing a violin, I try to glide when I work. Before I was a frantic mess! I constantly had heart palpitations and was a stress head. It's like day and night now. So I'm forever grateful for the practice! It's really integrating into my daily life. 

Practiced for just over an hour just then. Noting at one point 5 sensations on an out breath but they were longer out breaths then usual. I'm very awake atm, buzzing. It actually felt like a gym session. I was hungry after it! I was noting out loud and I notice the tone of my voice changes as energy is rising and then noting speed drops off as energy declines. Then other stuff happens and it repeats itself the same way. Even same emotions arising while cycling through. It cycled at least 3 times during this sit. I also noticed I don't have to think about my noting, the mouth just opens and says a word and notes a sensation, then at times I'll go back and ask myself was that even correct? I then notice that and keep noting, trying to lose myself in the noting. No one here noticing stuff.&nbsp;<br />Anyway heart is pumping, I'll do some breathing while in bed before sleep. Thanks!

ps does this sound like good practice? Should I keep going the way I'm going? Any pointers? Thanks 

Yes this sounds like good practice. Automaticity of noting is Cause & Effect territory, buzzing energy is A&P, off cushion guilt could be dukkha nanas, satisfaction with practice could be equanimity. Keep going, focus more clearly on the three characteristics (impermanence, unsatisfactoriness and not-self) in everything (both on and off cushion).

Check out Mahasi POI if you haven't already - Chapter 5 (Practical Instructions) here:

https://wisdomexperience.org/academy/wp-content/uploads/sites/4/2016/07/Manual-of-Insight-for-Course.pdf

Sweet, will do, thanks George. 

Fear, misery, disgust, sleepy this morning. Feeling energy bouncing around in my head now.

Lots of doubt surrounding my job coming up. Confusion, uncertainty, irritated. Wasn't ready for this! Bloody dukkha

what a day. The other day I mentioned that work was like playing a violin and just flowed. Today someone came along, grabbed the violin and smashed it against the wall and in its place was a big hammer smashing everything it touched. My eyes are stinging and about to pop out of my head. The doubt has eased but I'm tired now. Still you bet your little tush Ill practice tonight. Semi prepared for it...

That chapter 5 I'm reading is incredible. That's precisely what I want. I want everything to just stop, I want a break! I don't want to hear or see or feel anything, I don't want thoughts. I kinda want to die but not in a suicidal way.

Yes I've been very up and down! ok so basically I just keep noting, have faith and with more maturity it will come. I think I'm reaching equanimity it just doesn't last because I get jittery, excited, elated. I feel I note it but this keeps repeating and by the time this has repeated countless times I'm done with my sit. I can't sit much longer then an 1hour. I just don't have the energy for it. So the solution is to just keep sitting anyway and note

https://www.mctb.org/mctb2/table-of-contents/part-iv-insight/30-the-progress-of-insight/11-equanimity/

Thanks George. Yes I totally agree with this! It's bang on. I thank whatever it is (nearly) everyday because despite the pain and suffering I know that this is doing me good. I'm already in a better position to be a better person and the more work I do the more I'll be engaged with my family, friends and the world, ready to help them and others at a moments notice. What I'm learning is to suffer less! Learning to let go and let go of everything & to stop fighting. In particular striving for the end goal, hoping for something to happen or expectation. (Just as I suspected, this is what's written in Daniels book) thanks Daniel! This sounds difficult.

I sat for 45 min, lots of back pain, 3 cs. Then back pain went and I felt light A&P (maybe). Then I got tired and stopped noting and zoned out, Dissolution. I stopped there. I always stop there!

And a big thank you to you George! 

It's worth considering what it really means to want to be a better person, because it's predicated on the belief that you are not good enough. One of the hardest things to let go of is the need to be a better person.

"Still you bet your little tush Ill practice tonight. Semi prepared for it..."

This is the new DhO T-shirt  

You are doing great! Also getting some good support from George S here. 

​​​​​​​Best wishes! 

Never thought of that. Thank you for that.

Hahaha, thanks Dusko, I'd wear that T-shirt with pride!

Sat for 45 min, really didn't want to, pain in the back. 3cs.
Noting better tonight, didn't piss fart around with the pain, and really didn't zone out. As soon as my noting stops I note stopping, it's resistance right there, I can see I want to zone out the moment I stop. So I noted this and kept noting, pain went away, then the mind got really excited, "oh pain is gone, wow, you're progressing" kept noting the excitement, then pictured myself getting stream entry  "you made it!" & telling all my friends,hahaha, noted expectation. Then I got really frantic, energy was high but didn't feel pleasant at all, I think I was striving, so I released the body, and noted out loud but gently. Allowing for sensations to find me. Again excitement pictured george s and dusko saying "this is excellent practice, well done! I laughed, noted laughter, sensations around mouth etc. Had to release tension from striving and excitement again, this repeated many times. The body felt Fukn shit from this excitement, it was yuk. Doubt came up too for a short while, uncertainty, confusion this is dukkha nanas I think for me. Not 100 percent on that though. Anyway I'll get it one day, hahaha, just have to let it run its course. Thank you 

This is excellent practice, well done!  


BTW, Stream Entry sold out in the dhamma web shop! Delievery got all fucked up and no one knows when it will be in stock again! Could be only one Eon if you lucky! All you have left in the shop is THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW, and Now, and Now, and ... ...  

Hahahaha, yes! I guess I'll just have to be patient and wait until they bring in more stock! Thanks dusko! 

What is important is not the "event" itself (which may not even be that noticeable), but all the hard work you are putting in to figure out how the mind creates its own suffering (e.g. by building expectations), how to get through the dukkha nanas and how to rest in equanimity. Whatever happens next, you're still going to have to get up and practice the next day ... just like you are doing now!

Yes!! It's an endless ladder. There kinda is no goal. There is a goal but it's not what you think it is.

Dreams are weird and confused with what's a dream and what's real.

is everything an intention? Cause and effect

Man, I've been down since Friday because I gave into my s;leeppiness. I am so proud of you! Your log reflects you meditatate and work through it mo matter what. Excellent work!

Thanks Sam, last night didn't go very well, I had a late one at work and I only sat for 25 mins, giving in to the sleepiness. The body is twisting and contorting, this is 3cs territory. 3cs can be very difficult! Hang in there Sam!

Sat for a total of 50 mins in the last 2 days. I'm tired, surprise surprise. Wasn't going to post on here tonight but I want to sit tonight, and need to hold myself accountable. So I'm writing. 

sat for 30 min tonight, tired. Not a lot of clarity, there's resistance and have desire to let go. Having enough of it all. Body not twisting and contorting and no body aches. Still tired, eyes hurt. I have the weekend now so would like to keep up the practice. 

Ok waking up this morning to tension but it doesn't feel solid, dissolves quickly, feel lighter and happier. Feeling like everything is lovely and effortless. This is A&P. Sat for 20 min noting 1-5. I suck in the mornings, going to wait until 12-2pm and sit again. There is a lot of expectation, hoping, waiting etc. very subtle energy bouncing around in body. Sexual energy is relentless.

i haven't sat since my 20 min sit in the morning. I just don't want to, I'm eating and lying down, searching useless crap. Subtle energy is not present & I'm tired again. I will sit tonight. Sat for 30 min, head hanging down by the end. I stopped noting all together by the end. Shit practice 

Ahhh equanimity is not the ending of unpleasant shit. It's just a way of seeing the shit!

Well, if we are talking Eq Nana then mostly all experiences do have that "it's all just plain ok in here" or rather Neutral feel to it. Can be a bit like popping your head out of a sewer after a dodgy Re-observation. You like "hm? What is this new place? Wait, these previously mostly unpleasant feeling tones are gone and ... all seems neutral (whispering so not to slide back down into the sewers   )  "

If you can keep up with your hobby and your social
Life and keep meditation stuff on the cushion mostly. I know this path consumes us whole and it can be hard to not think about it almost all the time and look at life through the lens of my practice but if at all possible do enjoy social life with friends and family and enjoy your hobby. Then comes cushion time = gym time training in AAA; attention , appreciation and acceptance! 

Best wishes to you George! 

Thanks Dusko. Yeah the whispering part helps, hahaha. Yes thank you, I am absolutely going to enjoy friends my hobbies etc.

I woke up this morning to no tension, gentle presence in the body, then upon getting up tension. It's going back and forth quickly. Last night I sat for 90min. It was the most serene, gentle and restful sit I've ever had. I noted out loud for 45 min and then I was just in, soak this shit in & notice this quietly for the next 45 min. Amazing.
​​​​​​​When I close my eyes I can see things melting or waves, the background is like water, ripply and fluid. Is this normal? Thanks 

Visuals of any sort are normal. Nothing to desire. Investigate the feel around it etc. see what it does. 

Thanks Dusko! I sat for 30 min last night and then fell asleep. Apparently i was talking in my sleep, haha. I think I was still trying to note, haha. Anyway feel like absolute shit this morning, my body feels like it's going into shock, so I have to be cautious here. Fear

This log is finished refer to log 3.