RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Siavash ', modified 18 Days ago.

Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1227 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
To continue the practice and life log. May it be of benefit to someone.

About this name:
It's pronounced like:
See-ya-vash

Log history:

This is the initial part on fire kasina:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13223904

1st:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13519742

2nd:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/17421695

3rd:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/20832167

4th:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/21689099

5th:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/22192593

6th
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/22409581

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Saturday, April 17, 2021, 1:06 PM

When I went to bed in the morning, there was too much restlessness in the body. It usually takes some minutes for me to adjust my body in the bed because it feels/looks like the body is not aligned correctly in the bed in relation to the walls. It’s the mental image of the body that gives discomfort, previously sometimes I’d intentionally replace mental image of the body with a more aligned one and it would help. Today it took much longer to find comfort in the bed. I focused on the mental talk space, and there was lots of energetics, vibrations, pleasant tingles, feeling of insects moving on skin. Since this energy in the base of spine was more active, there was no sleepiness and there was tension in the abdomen that I had to breathe with my mouth. It took several hours to fall asleep. I’ve forgotten all the dreams. Those whole body vibrations spread occasionally in the body.

Sunday, April 18, 2021, 12:55 AM

Last few hours, body restless mind scattered. There is strong urge to consume, maybe to eat something, but I don’t know what I can eat that could give a satisfactory taste. Energetics in the right shoulder blade and base of spine, with the feeling in the head that feels like a fly is moving on my hairs, and vibrations in fingers. Also that feeling has arisen in my toes that feels like something is stuck under them. And vibrations in the left leg in this energetic point a few inches above the knee that feels like an insect is moving under the skin.

8:39 AM
These 2-3 days there seems to be this shift in the experience between restlessness and scatteredness of mind, and then relatively relaxed body-mind but heightened awareness that arising and passing of sensations are clearer than usual. Though today there has been lots of energetics and vibrations specially in the fingers. That usually is related to this heightened clarity.

10:11 AM
Did a sit started by focusing on sounds and mental talks, then got more focused on the nada sounds. There were 2-3 different parts (frequencies? What is the right term?) for the nada sound and that helicopter rotor sounds arose and pass a few times. Sleepiness has arisen since 40-50 minutes ago, unlike yesterday. Before ending the sit when I came out of sleepiness, I noticed that I am keeping my right hand in front of my face as if it has a mirror that I’m looking at it. I don’t know if there was a dream or something else related to that. Now there is that sleepiness discomfort in the body and the vibrations in the fingers are gone.

9:57 PM
Last night a deep sadness arose that stayed with varying degrees of intensity until I slept. After waking up it’s still present, although not as intense as last night. It was triggered by an event, or maybe more accurately by a sequence of thoughts related to that event. Also I had heard some bad news of death and sickness around close friends and I think that had some effect too. It made me reflect back on my whole life, on how this kind of sadness has been present in different periods of my life. It always finds a story to attach to it, but I know that it’s not really because of those stories, they get replaced by other stories but the sadness remains. It’s a feeling of separation. And a grasping. I’ve always noticed that when I have that feeling for people that I love, I still feel it when being with those people too, because I still feel separated, and not connected enough.

In the last few days I’ve noticed this thing a few times, that while I am doing something or practicing, and I am perceiving the sensations, suddenly it looks/feels like I am back to seeing objects from the vantage point behind my eyes again. I don’t have enough clarity about it yet to know that before noticing this return to the eyes vantage point, what is the vantage point or how are the mental images of the body and head. I don’t know if it’s a change in the mental images of the body or space or what, but the coming back is noticeable.
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Siavash ', modified 17 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1227 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Monday, April 19, 2021, 4:13 AM

The sadness has become very intense again for some hours. I notice that there is a strong element of guilt in it. Every life circumstance that comes to mind, I notice guilt related to that as if it was my fault, at least partially, that someone else has some discomfort. It’s non-sensical. Situations that absolutely have nothing to do with me, but in a way I feel separation in one way or another with the people involved in that situation, and have feeling of guilt that I am responsible for the separation, and for their discomfort.

6:23 AM
As I was burning in this sadness, I sat to do some practice since I couldn’t continue working. Used Shinzen’s Focus In, focusing on the mental and emotional part of the experience. There were very intense energetics, a good portion of them painful, but there were some mildly pleasant ones too. That ice-cold feeling arose in 2-3 energetic points for the first time, that usually have pain or itches, one in the back and one in the abdomen. There was some coolness and vibration that had higher pleasantness than usual but were very brief. There was intense sensations under the jaw as if something hit it hardly, but some minutes later a set of sporadic vibrations arose in the face that felt like something has opened, it was like the face is lighter now and breathing with the nose is easier and a little pleasant. There were a few other ones that felt similar as if something opened, but nothing intense. There was a feeling similar to vomiting. Color statics became slower once to twice as if they have gap between them, one frame after another. After about an hour, the sadness lost its intensity, and later sleepiness arose. Still there are vibrations and energetics in the body.

Oh I forgot, there were many mental images of old memories from childhood and other periods of life, also mental talks related to past memories, one instance was interesting, that I heard the sentence that we would say in the family when the house door was knocked that one of us had to go to open the door and see who is behind the door.
​​​​​​​There were few vague and very low resolution faces that appeared in the murk, I guess female faces.
George S, modified 17 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1602 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Just a thought here. A certain degree of separation is healthy, even desirable. But sometimes there’s the idea that “I should be closer to other people”, which leads to guilt about separation. Some people manipulate others to feel that guilt for them, others direct it at themselves. The classic example is the mother who likes to be alone but makes her children feel guilty for not calling or visiting enough. I used to think that intimacy meant “being really close”, but I’m coming more to the view that it means being honest about what you really want. So many of life’s problems seem to come from a disconnect between what people say they want and what they really want. I don't know if that's helpful or whether I'm just talking about myself!
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Siavash ', modified 17 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1227 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Hey George,
I don't know.
I don't think it's related to any specific person or event or type of connection.. . They are just triggers. Embers that ignite the fire. And while that fire is burning, it burns all those people and events and such too.
It stops burning at some point, because it's just ashes everywhere.
 
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Siavash ', modified 16 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1227 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Monday, April 19, 2021, 8:25 PM

The sadness has taken a more quiet and tender flavor today, less personal more abstract. Although the situation that had triggered it is resolved, ah there wasn’t anything to be resolved, it’s just my projections, I sometimes have a flood of projections that creates a drama, only to give rise and fuel for these emotions. It took me into music and poetry for some hours, and tears, but there is nothing to be sad about, it’s just the raw sadness.
The energetics in the upper back and shoulder blades are there, it’s stronger in the right side. It feels like a slightly pleasant pain.

Tuesday, April 20, 2021, 6:14 AM

The sadness had become more intense again. Tried to work with no success. Then had a chat with a friend and some encouragement from her that I could start after that. It decreased the intensity of the sadness a little bit. Then some more chatting and working, that after a few hours that thick cloud is mostly gone. Still there is sadness but it’s manageable, although its intensity changes. That left leg pain has returned today. Also the pain in the left side of the back and rib cage, that could be related to tensions/energetics.These few days I often have a discomfort in the body that I have difficulty finding a posture to make my legs feel comfortable, both in sitting and reclining. This seems to be different from the leg restlessness that I had for some years, that mostly went away after the first 1-2 years of meditation.

9:00 AM
The blue/violet lights/colors had arisen. Did some informal practice noting See Hear Feel while forgetting it constantly. Then sat and focused on the mental talk space and nada sound. The blue/violet lights disappeared after maybe 10 minutes into the sit. At some point the helicopter rotor sound arose, that accidentally I noticed that its frequency seems to be in sync with the flickering color statics in the murk. Then both became faster while staying in sync. Then faster again and it was hard to see if they are in sync or not. The rotor sound stopped while color statics flickering in a slower speed, 5-8 per second I guess. There was an impression of a female face in the murk twice for a fraction of a second, that looked like it’s looking into my eyes. Later sleepiness arose and I don’t remember much after that. There were few energetics and bodily vibrations only in the early part of the sit. The sadness is almost gone, also the leg and back pain. Need to go to bed.
There were energetics before the sit, now they have arisen after the sit again!
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Siavash ', modified 14 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Tuesday, April 20, 2021, 11:17 PM

I slept a little longer today. That sleepiness discomfort was 10/10 and I had difficulty getting up, but it went away 10-20 minutes after I got up. There are lots of vibrations in the body. For about an hour there were big waves of vibrations in the upper torso and head, that seemed like initiates from the upper middle back, between the shoulder blades and spreads up and fills the whole space above it. Also constant feelings on the skin like insets are moving and the one above left knee that feels an insect is moving under the skin. The sadness is mostly gone but I can feel a trace of it. It’s like you’ve lost a loved one and grieved it and now have acceptance for it, but you know that part of you is gone, is dead, is empty.

Wednesday, April 21, 2021, 10:39 AM

Worked a few hours, and had a nice chat. Sadness is gone completely. Did some practice. The energetics have been present constantly, with some new flavors and new locations having vibrations like my mouth or inside nostrils. There were lots of pain in the back in different parts of it, but after the sit it has decreased. There was a feeling of heat in the base of spine, with momentary burning in the fingers, toes and tongue.

Thursday, April 22, 2021, 4:45 AM

Practiced taking and sending tonight, because a friend is in distress and I couldn’t think of doing any other practice. I don’t remember its instruction clearly, and I just did my own version that I do sometimes.

7:14 PM
Last night focused on mental talk space and nada sound while in bed. It seems that I have more dreams again these few days. Today I remembered two sets of dreams that both had strong emotions in them, specially the second one, which was very tender, I had high confidence, and I had a dear guest and exchange of care and love and understanding. The first one was very vivid. It seemed that there is a military conflict going on near my house, then while we were outside at night, my brother noticed a big jet in the sky, and we stood there looking at it and enjoying the beauty of the sky and this big thing that was flying very smoothly above us (Although the jet looked different from how it actually is). Then we both noticed the clouds and mountains in the horizon that were very beautiful and vivid and we started taking pictures of it. Some weeks ago I had a dream about someone that I loved in the past that it didn’t go the way I’d want, although we were still friends. In previous dream she was in my house and when leaving said that it’s time to go meaning that this should be a goodbye. Today in the second dream I had invited her for dinner and she came and it was tender and good, but we didn’t cross our boundaries, and I accompanied her to the cab so that she could go back to her life. I don’t know why she came to my mind again. Both dreams had a strong emotional residue after I woke up. In the first one I was partially awake toward the end of it, and I noticed that I had 5-10 different dream scenes in a short time, which I forgot most of them, but after waking up I started writing it and tried to remember it, and they started coming back one by one, although I know that I didn't remember some of them. During the first one I noticed that I am laughing while noticing my body in bed that was laughing and hearing myself, and I found something funny in the dream and it was joyful, also I think I was aware of the body breathing in bed, but I don’t remember what was in the dream that made me laugh.

​​​​​​​Today although there is some mild restlessness in the body, but I feel that I am a little bit lighter, more equanimous. Maybe that is the effect of that sadness. I had to send monthly work report and usually that is something that I don’t like to do, but I started it without thinking much about it, and did it pretty fast like the old days, I noticed that the mind can think fast again, and I didn’t have that obsessive checking of things. I’ve noticed it a number of times in the last few days too that sometimes the mind thinks fast again and comes up with different ideas and solutions. It was kind of a surprise.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 13 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 5375 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
I like your thorough and detailed reports. They are a pleasure to read. 

Ha, my pronounciation was correct! (Selfing noted)

I have come to understand that excessive thinking is an energy phenomenon too. I guess it's the more distracted version of it, whereas the buzzing and tingling and heat and the tones and the lights are concentration-related.  You seem to periodically have both versions. Lama Lena would say that you seem to have rising lung and squeeky energy channels and recommend vitamine B complex. Michael Taft would recommend that you direct the energy below the navel to ground yourself. I have started to ask the excessive energy to go where it is better needed, which also reminds me not to cling to it. I don't know if any of that is of any help to you. If not, feel free to ignore it. 

I'm still trying to figure out what people mean exactly when they talk about energy. It seems to me that energy is the flickering in and out of existence in itself. So what does "rising lung" really mean? That one has increasingly become a hub for the comings into being and the comings out of being? I certainly feels like giving birth sometimes. I'm glad you get to rest from it. 

Best wishes! 
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Siavash ', modified 13 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1227 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Hi Linda,

I like your thorough and detailed reports. They are a pleasure to read. 
Actually every time that I post, I push myself to do it, because part of me always says that don't share too much details, it will bother people if anyone is reading it, but I have to ignore that thought! Glad that it doesn't bother you.


Ha, my pronounciation was correct! 
Great! You must be a non-english speaker! ;)


I have come to understand that excessive thinking is an energy phenomenon too. I guess it's the more distracted version of it, whereas the buzzing and tingling and heat and the tones and the lights are concentration-related.
Yes, it seems to me to be related to energy too. It's not very clear to me yet, but it seems that there are some big categories, and then sub-categories. Something along the lines of vipassana-jhanas, although I am not sure it maps to it always.


You seem to periodically have both versions. Lama Lena would say that you seem to have rising lung and squeeky energy channels and recommend vitamine B complex. Michael Taft would recommend that you direct the energy below the navel to ground yourself. I have started to ask the excessive energy to go where it is better needed, which also reminds me not to cling to it. I don't know if any of that is of any help to you. If not, feel free to ignore it. 
It seems that this has been going on for quite a while, and when I started doing daily fire kasina practice two years ago, it intensified it, and its cycling became more rapid and chaotic.
Thank you so much for these pointers. It's helpful. I'll try to check them, specially Lama Lena's material. In Michael's public talks I haven't seen detailed data about energy. Any specific resource you have in mind that could be helpful? Thanks.


I'm still trying to figure out what people mean exactly when they talk about energy. It seems to me that energy is the flickering in and out of existence in itself. So what does "rising lung" really mean? That one has increasingly become a hub for the comings into being and the comings out of being? I certainly feels like giving birth sometimes. I'm glad you get to rest from it.

Yes, everyone uses "energy" in a different way. What I mean by energetics, is the set of sensations that seems to be related to the activation of sensations in the base of spine and sacrum, that when there is more activity there, then a specific set of sensations manifest, like tingles itches lights sounds pains etc. But what the energy is..., yeah who knows. I have some ideas, but not very clear.
Obviously I don't know what it feels to give birth, but yeah, sometimes there is a unique quality in the experience, that the best way to describe it for me is that the body or my being wants to give birth to something.

Thanks.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 13 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 5375 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
I wish it would be the default for more practicioners to describe their phenomenology in depth. DhO has spoiled me. 

My mother tongue is Swedish and it seems to be somewhat closer in pronounciation. English pronounciation diverges weirdly from other languages in some ways. I also took a five weeks course in farsi many years ago. 

I don't know of any public resources where Michael talks about how to deal with energy. It's something that he has emphasized in closed teachings. He also said that trying to push the energy outward gives him rashes and that for most people that has some adverse symptoms. I seem to be an exception there. Not that I'm pushing the energy. It's more like I just let it remember that there is no container, and it seems to respond to that by taking more subtle forms which know no boundaries. He thinks it has to do with my neurodivergence, and for the others he strongly recommends anchoring the energy below the navel, which supposedly calms the mind. He hasn't been very detailed, though. I'm trying to get him to talk more about it but we tend to run out of time in our short private check-ins. It's difficult for me to steer the conversation at two o clock in the morning. 

Yes, I think most practicioners here refer to energy or energetic phenomena in a similar way. I guess I just personally find it more helpful to get to know the different forms it can take rather than seeing it as limited to a more narrow spectrum, because it helps me to work at a more subtle level, which I need. 
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Siavash ', modified 13 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1227 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Thank you.
I'll play with it to see how it goes, although my approach these days is mostly hands-off approach, to let it manifest the way it wants.

My mother tongue is Swedish and it seems to be somewhat closer in pronounciation. English pronounciation diverges weirdly from other languages in some ways. I also took a five weeks course in farsi many years ago. 

Yeah I knew all the above. I was just kidding emoticon .
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Siavash ', modified 13 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Saturday, April 24, 2021, 3:09 AM

Yesterday evening I went for a short walk. The earth, space and trees looked calm, equanimous and serene.

Mind-state was relatively equanimous and light. I wanted to take a day off from worries of working, so I thought maybe do something else. I had 3 options, working, practicing, and another activity which was technical too, but doubt arose and I couldn’t decide which one to do. Hours passed and it became more and more frustrating that I couldn’t decide. Then that tender sadness arose and stayed for a few hours while still feeling frustrated and disappointed. Later in the middle of night I gave up and decided to practice. Made some food, then spent the next 5-6 hours practicing on and off cushion. Still couldn’t decide what technique to practice, so I opened all senses to notice whatever that arises. Did some fire kasina too, and then became obsessed about noticing mental talks exactly when they arise. I was trying to catch the sensation of a mental talk, but I noticed that I only hear it maybe 1/3 to 1/5 of a second after it arises. And most of mental talks were very subtle that mostly felt like there isn’t much hearing. It’s a mixture, some physical sensations in the mouth, throat and inner ears, with some very subtle mental images related to the movements of the mind or attention. Then tried to do it with all of the experience, to notice how every instance of experience arises from a dimensionless point.
Energetics became very intense at some point. Feelings similar to pressing something very sharp on the tissue, or burning, and the feeling in fingers and toes that has the flavor of bones crushing. A few times it looked/felt like the body starts to move, or as if I am partially detached from the body or its mental image. There was more depth and spaciousness in the visual field. There were some pleasant sensations too, mostly the coolness/breeze spreading on the skin. A few times the bright white light tried to move a little farther from the face and form a circle, but it didn’t succeed.
A few times that black dot (very beautiful) with a bright ring around it arose. Once it was bigger and stayed longer, then started moving closer to the face and as it was moving, it became bigger then turned into an oblong shape. Then the ring went away and the black spot became a little bigger and then vanished.

I notice several different layers in the mental talk space, and the inner layers seems to be much harder to observe. By hard I mean detecting the exact instant that a talk arises. It's mostly like sequences of very subtle and brief humming that is going on most of the time. I guess it's maybe related to the music. For many years music was present almost all my waking time, listening, playing, singing, and almost always there was a tune playing in my mind. It has changed somewhat, but still a lot of times something is playing in the mind.

Today that doubt is still present that I have difficulty deciding what to do. That energetic pain in fingers and toes are present, with some activity on the shoulder blades and 2-3 painful points below that. I think these are related to the releasing of tension in those muscles probably, since I’d tense these muscles habitually without actually being aware of it. It was only maybe a year or so ago that I noticed they are almost always tense. But now I don’t tense it usually, but there are these discomforts. There are other energetics in the knees and elbows, that feels like maybe liquid is moving between the skin and bone.

It seems that neighbors noises bother me less these days. Whenever I notice it starts to become annoying, I say in the mind: May they be well…, it’s not my problem it’s theirs.., just more sensations, let’s notice their arising and passing… . So far so good. 
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Siavash ', modified 11 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, April 24, 2021, 5:53 AM

Forgot to mention, first few hours after waking up there were waves of vibration in the upper torso and head. Today it felt that it initiates from two spots, one between shoulder blades, the other in the neck in both sides of it below the ears a little toward its center. Those two locations in the neck often have vibrations during practice, or the feeling that an insect is moving there, sometimes mixed with painful tickling.

Did a sit. Since couldn’t decide about the technique, I thought it’s easier to just focus on the mental talk space. There was that shift in the experience that looks like the distance between head and hand is longer and I am leaned forward and about to fall, while the body-mind feels still.
It became clearer that it’s harder to notice the exact arising of the more subtle mental talks,  because they don’t have a noticeable physical component in the front part of the mouth. They sneak into awareness.

Sometimes after practice (like for a few minutes after this sit) when there is higher clarity, there is a subtle joy in the experience, because the mere fact of having sensations that manifest, seems to have joy in it.
Although that subtle joy is replaced by frustration again now.

8:15 AM
Did another sit, a bit longer, focused on mental talks then mixed it with the breath in the throat and back of the mouth/head/inner-ears. More or less similar to previous one. There was mild but steady pleasantness, coolness and tingles, that was there for about an hour, but didn’t lead to anything that I could confidently call a jhana. After the energy became stronger and led to pleasant sensations, there were lots of mental talks. After the sit there is that subtle joy of manifestation again, that these keyboard buttons and their touch is very nice, or I look at the water bottle and the space around it and it looks beautiful. I just want to keep watching that bottle and these buttons.
Now that I look around, all visual objects have beauty, with different degrees.

8:08 PM
While in bed I focused on the mental talk space, energetics became very painful. The vibration/electric-shock in the left long toe was intense. First 2-3 times that it happened, the foot moved and I couldn’t keep it still, but later I could have equanimity with it and other ones and kept the body still. 6-7 hours in bed and I didn’t get up, unlike usual. First few hours after waking up there were those big waves of vibration. Any hint of emotionality triggers them. The initiation of them from the neck was more noticeable today. It’s like having goosebumps constantly for 1-2 hours. Left shoulder blade had vibrations and tingles too similar to the right one that often has.
In the evening I went to the rooftop to check the cooler and the moment I opened the door, I got hit by the view of mountains and clouds. Clouds were everywhere, and the mountains had that look that it looks like the gray end of blue. Very beautiful, but the thunder storm sent me inside.
A minute after I woke up I started noting See Hear Feel and continued it for a while, but then forgot it.
Before going to bed during the practice, there were very brief emotions, mostly fear/terror, with mental images of past memories that possibly had that emotions.

Sunday, April 25, 2021, 5:33 AM

Today worked for some hours, it was good. Last few hours again there is sadness that sometimes becomes intense. It seems that this one is directly related to the fact that a friend is getting prepared to move to another country, but still I am not certain. Last hour minutes energetics have become more active, in the base of spine and long toes.

6:53 AM
A sit focused on the mental talk space with the physical sensations involved in mental talks. Lots of distracting thoughts with the theme of sadness. Energetics, mostly tingles/vibrations in locations that usually have pain, and sexual feelings, although not noticeably pleasant. A few times strong energetics in the throat like something is pressed on its center. Emotional sensations in the throat and around the heart.

8:28 AM
Another sit with the same technique at first, then switched to all the sensations related to the head. There were almost no distractions. Body mind got still with relaxation in the hands, so I focused on the hands. Stronger energetics after that, left foot had a good equanimity test. Sadness is mostly gone.
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Siavash ', modified 9 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, April 26, 2021, 12:58 AM

Remembered two dreams today. I guess first one felt good, and I had awareness of the body at the end of it, but second one before getting up was very unpleasant. I was in the airport to go to another country to continue my studies (!!!), but something happened, and the ticket was cancelled, there were no airplanes, I lost my university admission because of that, then I lost my bag and clothes and all my money. Tried to go back inside to find my bag, but they said you should pay entrance money, and I had to go down stairs that had more than 5-6 feet empty space between stairs, with no possible ways to walk down. Tried to go back home, that was in another city, but there were no cars and people were just waiting without hope.
Something was different about me that everyone looked at me with embarrassment and I was standing there alone. I was thinking can I reach home if I walk for a day and night, and at some point I woke up feeling terrible. There was too much sleepiness discomfort that it took a while to get up.

For a few hours mind-state was relatively calm with those vibrations in the torso and head. Listened to music, there was intense feelings around it. It felt that the music tears me apart. After that it has been mainly a mix of sadness, disgust, guilt, and self&others critique. That feeling and mental images of cutting the base of a fingernail comes up frequently.
Did a sit noting with Shinzen’s Focus In and then Note Everything. There was more movements in energetics, and since it had more movements, its pain spread to new locations too. At the base of spine it started moving around then moving up a little bit, but then stopped and turned to a strong sharp pain, and went away after some minutes. There were no distractions in the later part, and coolness spread on the body for 10-20 minutes that was cooler than before, and spread to some new locations like the back of the neck.

4:24 AM
Started working, but the mind can’t think clearly and there is some technical complexities. Those violet/blue/bright lights/colors have arisen, expanding/contracting between me and the monitor that obscure the text in the monitor. I keep my eyes wide open and gaze sharply to be able to read, but when I ease the effort a little bit, immediately the eyes defocus, and color statics fill the surface of the monitor.

7:39 AM
Did two sits, focusing on the mind space. Mind became still, energetics became more painful. It gives me some ideas about why different parts of the body have different kinds of pain and energetics, but it needs more observation.

6:19 PM
While in bed I focused on the mind space and nada sound. Energetic became more intense, almost everywhere in the body had some manifestation simultaneously. Vibrations, tingles, itches, pain, throbbing, and the feeling under the left knee, in elbows, and a few places on the head that felt something is moving under the skin to jump out of it. Then a big wave started in the right big toenail, that the toenail itself felt very painful like if you want to take it out, but from there a wave of tingles/vibrations spread up to the right side of the body. After that the intensity decreased.
That painful vibrations that I have in long toes, started to arise in fingers too. And there was a feeling in the feet that felt like it’s burning with heat, at the same time it felt very cold. This had happened two night ago too. This one feels pleasantly painful.
Didn’t get up in the middle of sleep, improvement. Unlike previous days, I didn’t have waves of vibration in the torso/head after waking up. Instead, there was in increase of sexual energy, somewhat similar to last night’s practice sessions.

Tuesday, April 27, 2021, 1:02 AM

A sit focused on the mind space, but in a light and gentle way to keep the energetic pain tolerable. Still it was intense, but the equanimity with it was acceptable, I could keep the body still. There was sleepiness for a big part of the sit. A few times there was that feeling that feels like suddenly body just landed on the ground, without feeling any movement before that. And there was a constant shift in the visual field between the usual one, and another one that kind of looked like I am seeing myself and the content of the murk from a distance? Or from a point behind my body? It wasn’t clear.

6:52 AM
Did a sit focused on the mind space. The moment I started focusing, very painful energetics arose and stayed like that for some time, then sleepiness arose and energetics subsided mostly. The sleepiness was strong. Also I felt sleepy before the sit. That feeling of landing arose once for a moment, but it was different. It felt like my body collapsed from the inside and fell down. Like the inner part collapsed then the outer part collapsed on that.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö
Michael Taft would recommend that you direct the energy below the navel to ground yourself....

​​
Linda, can you please elaborate a little bit what Michael means by this instruction?
Does it mean focusing on the physical sensations below the navel? Or imagining energy currents moving down their, or?

Thank you. 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Tuesday, April 27, 2021, 11:43 PM

Today slept longer. Don’t remember any dreams. Difficulty getting up. While in bed I tried to stabilize the attention on the mental image space, but the sensations of breathing interrupted the focus constantly. This interruption usually happens when practicing in bed.
It was relatively calm/neutral for a few hours after getting up. 1-2 times waves of vibrations spread to the upper body because I read something that triggered emotions. Last few hours brief feelings of despair and insecurity comes and goes constantly. A few times tried to note see hear feel off-cushion but I kept forgetting. It’s around an hour now that movements have become slower, there is higher mindfulness and clarity, and there is a subtle sense of comfort (?) or contentment (?) or beauty in the sensations, especially external sights and somatic sensations. Not much energetics so far, although there is mild tingles/vibrations in the hands after the increase of clarity.
That feeling of an insect moving on the skin arose at the base of spine for a moment a minute ago, this was the first time to have that feeling there. Also today there was a feeling of coolness in the sole of the right foot, that feels like it’s in touch with cold water. I had that feeling regularly for 1-2 years before, but I haven’t had it for some months.

Wednesday, April 28, 2021, 2:14 AM

Feelings of hopelessness had become predominant, with sleepiness and an urge to go to bed. Sat to practice, and focused on the mind space in a gentle way. There was lots of distractions and sleepiness that occupied a big portion of the bandwidth of the awareness. Much less energetics compared to the last days. Then I started paying closer attention and focusing on the content of the space instead of being aware of the space. There were more energetics after that, and when I paid closer attention, it had an immediate effect of bringing more painful energetics. There were some distorted sleepy perceptions. 1-2 times there was a sense in the visual field as if there is an empty space there beside the visuals, like a small empty and dark cave connected to color statics. I think yesterday the energetics were 5-10 times more active and painful.

10:02 AM
After the previous sit, still the mind-state was mostly hopelessness with sleepiness and lack of energy. I was supposed to work but I didn’t have energy for it and there was an urge to go to bed so I decided to go to bed. But then I had a short chat with my friend and she encouraged me to work, and made me promise that I'll work. So it was an opportunity to work but I still didn’t have energy and felt sleepy. So I decided to practice first with an energy inducing technique. Started noting see hear feel without labels, and it became faster and I pushed myself to note faster, I guess it went toward 10-20 sensations per second. There wasn’t much energetics, just rapid movements of attention and flickering lights and color statics, and occasionally spaciousness and feeling of movement in the body and visual space. After about an hour of this, I relaxed the effort and the body, and noticed the relaxation in my hands. Immediately energetics became active. What I call the main energy current, for the lack of a better term, that only arises in a few places sometimes, one in the base of spine and one in the abdomen sometimes, that feels like movement of cool water in a hose, and usually moves only 1-3 inches maximum, arose at the base of spine and moved up a few inches, and at the same time a similar one arose at the middle of the spine and moved up a few inches. Then the same feeling arose in the abdomen and moved a little bit in a few directions, then it arose in the solar plexus and moved to the right and left and maybe other directions a few inches. Then another one moved from lower abdomen to the left leg 5-6 inches. There were smaller currents that spread in different locations, with bright lights and coolness and tingles and pains. This was the first time that I had this current of energy spread in this scale. There was no dullness/sleepiness or distractions so I continued for another hour. Since this sit brought some interest and motivation, after a break I did another 2 hours sit with the same technique. Now although there isn’t much sleepiness, but the body is tired, but I am starting to do some work to keep my promise, and to keep the hope alive for the next day.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, April 28, 2021, 10:19 PM

Although I had stayed awake longer, but before going to bed there wasn’t sleepiness at all. It was an interesting mix, because there wasn’t much energetic activation. Often more active energetics and not feeling sleepy come together, but this was different. First part of the sleep I wasn’t sure if I was asleep or not. I focused on the color statics and stayed focused on it I guess until I got up, and I was aware of the body, but I don’t remember being aware of the rest of the experience. I tried to count the rate of the flickering of the color statics, it was easily 10 per second, but I am not sure if it was higher than that. In the second part, a few times there was awareness of the body while having dreams. Once I noticed that I am laughing, then became aware of the body laughing in the bed to something that was happening in the dream, but I don’t remember what that was. Had difficulty getting up because that intense feeling of sleepiness has arisen again. Energetics are not active, and the whole body feels sore and crushed.
Before getting up I was half-awake, half-asleep while having a strange dream, but a phone call forced me to get up.
Today again the sensations in the shoulder blades are active, especially the left one (unlike usual that the right one is more active). It feels like there is tension there which feels slightly painful, but vibrations and tingles spread on it constantly that gives it a slightly pleasant feel. It feels like the tension is breaking up into vibrations.

Thursday, April 29, 2021, 3:02 AM

Lots of bright white and black dots arise. Less chaotic movements in the color statics in the murk, with a green spot in the center and purple and blue around it with a contrast higher than usual, and finer color statics. These all often show up together, but still I am not sure which stage this is. The sleepiness is predominant, with almost no energetics.

5:43 AM
Did a sit, and focused on the relaxation in the body and mind space in a gentle way. The main thing about it was the sleepiness that filled most of the sit. Occasionally there were momentary mild energetics. At some point there was mental image of where I sit, but seen from the opposite direction in a relatively clear and 3D way, that while I was standing there, suddenly I noticed something is moving there, and I saw it was a cat that moved forward and jumped toward me. It made the body jump up and come out of that sleepy state.
Low level of mindfulness on and off cushion.

8:16 PM
While in bed in the morning, I focused on the body relaxation. I didn’t lose awareness for a few hours, but I guess I was asleep. There was a feeling of insects moving on my upper arms, then energy currents in the abdomen a little bit, and after that it was more quiet. Things happened in the sleep and dream that I can’t remember. Slept longer, and that intense discomfort of sleepiness is present. No energetics so far. It seems that the only reasonable explanation for these shifts in energetics and sleepiness and clarity of attention, is the cycling. Is it PoI cycling or kundalini cycling, or both are the same thing, I don’t know. It could be a transition from ñ5 to ñ6, or from ñ7 to ñ8, or something else.
Oh, I remembered one of them. First few hours in bed, while focusing on the relaxation in my hands and arms, I kept noticing that I get lost in something, I don’t know if it was sleep or mind-wandering or hypnagogia, but coming back was noticeable, and each time that I came back, I noticed that I’ve tensed the muscles in my back, shoulders and shoulder blades, and also legs, so I relaxed them, and this happened maybe 10-20 times. Also there was jaw clenching while in bed. I’ve had jaw clenching after waking up too. It could be related to a transition from this sleepy mode to a more agitated one with fearful dreams that jaw-clenching is one of its characteristics for me.

11:23 PM
It’s around an hour now that it seems that the sleepiness discomfort package is gone, or mostly gone. There was and is some anger and dissatisfaction/bitterness with the experience in the last 1-2 hours. A strong pain arose at the base of spine half an hour ago and stayed for 5-10 minutes. It wasn’t in a single point, but in an area around 3-5 inches * 3-5 inches around the base of spine, similar to when I lift a heavy weight. And a mild pain and coolness inside the hips. Then 1-2 times feeling of an insect moving on my upper back. Then the energetics in the shoulder blades arose.

Friday, April 30, 2021, 2:20 AM

Still no sleepiness, and bitterness in the experience. Some energetics have arisen. Pain around the base of spine that feels like small pieces of metal are stuck inside (obviously not with the intensity of having an actual piece of metal there), with some movement of sensations there. And some movements of energetics inside the hips. Unlike usual, there are a set of dots in the center of the visual field, pale white/yellow small dots that are gathered around the center. This one seems to be a mark for one/some of the stages.
Also there is increased tension in the muscles, and increased jerkiness in the body. More numbness in the hands/feet when they stay in certain positions.

4:53 AM
Did a sit focused on the change. More numbness in the beginning and more painful energetics, then numbness decreased and energetics were less painful with more vibrations, then sleepiness that gradually became stronger with the soreness in muscles. At one point there was a sound in the mind that was like something popped, that after that there was a mild release-like feeling in the face with spread of tingles in the body, but it passed after some seconds. A few times there was a perception that I perceived myself as two entities, that one was thinking or talking about the other one. The tension and jerkiness on the body seem to be decreased.

7:45 AM
A sit, I guess focused on the change, forgotten! Degrees of sleepiness. Mix of painful and mildly pleasant energetics. Some became intense, some were new. The feeling of insect moving on the skin arose on the head and spread to a larger area, also it arose between eyebrows once, both for the first time. Tensing muscles for most of the sit. There were some movements in the visual space itself, and feeling of movement in the body. Once it felt that the body moved back and was about to fall down as if it’s empty in the behind. Some movements along the spine, mostly painful. Energy currents in the abdomen. Currents and vibrations in the legs. Spaciousness and stillness for a few minutes like the last sit. A few times it looked like I am seeing myself from a point outside the body image.
There is less sleepiness and soreness now.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Friday, April 30, 2021, 11:21 PM

Stayed longer in bed. It took several hours to fall asleep today. Practice went on for more than an hour in bed, then going in and out of sleep, dream and practice. Energetics in the first part with pressure inside the head. There were family dreams, mild unpleasantness at first, then it was good, but then very unpleasant. There was a kind of flying-like dream, but it had fear in it, and I don’t remember those brief flyings. A big building was covered by a tarp cover, and I was hanging from that cover 10-20 yards above the ground, trying to grab it and move to the other side of the building, with fear of falling down. For a while in bed, it seemed the vantage point was outside the head a little above its left side, unlike usual that is behind the eyes, or maybe it was a mix of both.
So far no energetics. And there is mild sleepiness and soreness.
Trying to stay present, but the mind is scattered.
Still there is feeling of numbness in the limbs, and tension in the muscles.

Saturday, May 1, 2021, 1:34 AM

Oh, I remembered. There was a dream, with some family members, and I moved external objects by sending them energy. It looked pretty normal, although it seemed that they were not expecting it.
There is some despair-sadness and insecurity, with work-related thoughts.

6:20 AM
The sleepiness is gone completely. The tension has increased dramatically. It’s similar to the experience that I had a few weeks ago for a few days. Also similar to the experience I had for a few years, that at first I thought it’s related to health and blood pressure (!), because it would increase my blood pressure, and later I realized that it’s anxiety. In those years I had that anxiety for long periods, although there were also periods that the body-mind was more calm and less anxious. When it was intense, I’d have a lot of tension in the body, the limbs would feel cold and somewhat numb, with increased agitation, jerkiness, and hypervigilance, and obsessive worrying. Now it’s pretty much like that. In those years there would be periods of increased sleep and lack of motivation and energy too. Now I think that it’s likely that all of those experiences were the effect of cycling, but because there was no meditation, their periods were longer, and the shifts were slower. And I may be wrong.
This tension affects the walking and other movements. There is headache and discomfort in almost everywhere in the body.

7:22 AM
The tensions have intensified more. Headache is almost gone, but a pain has arisen in earlobes. There is constriction in the throat, with discomfort in the chest and trachea that it feels like vomiting. There is mild heart-racing and panting. Pain in the neck. Some energetics have arisen since 10-20 minutes ago, mostly feelings of insect moving on skin.

10:51 AM
Did 5-10 minutes of sky/clouds kasina (very beautiful, with beautiful afterimage), it seemed that it decreased the intensity of tensions/agitation/discomforts. Later after I finished working, did a sit focused on the mind space. Visual space was spacious. Uncomfortable energetics in the beginning, later they were less uncomfortable. In the first part there were bright white lights in the periphery of the visual field, later the light came to the center for some minutes. Toward the end sleepiness arose with the soreness in the muscles. Now after the sit, it seems that a big portion of the tensions/discomforts are gone. Limbs don’t feel cold, and there is no numbness. Though they may come later. Energetics are active after the sit.

Now some minutes later, tension/discomfort and numbness have increased. With more energetics and vibrations. Sleepiness and soreness are gone.
(So my guess is that the sit caused some shifts in the sub-nanas, but not in the higher level nana.)​​​​​​​
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, May 1, 2021, 9:48 PM

Today in bed I focused on vibrations/changes. There were usual stuff, some intense throbbing, especially one in the middle of the spine was pretty harsh. But then a very intense surge of energy arose in the left side of the pelvis, that was next-level. It made the whole body jump up, with an involuntary mini-scream kind of sound, that all happened in less than a second. I don’t think electric shock is an accurate description. It’s more like there are tens of tiny armatures that are running and vibrating inside the body. After that I set intentions to not freak out, and stay still and equanimous with the next ones, but there wasn’t that level of intensity after that. After I woke up in the evening, it seems that the tension is gone. It feels more neutral/ordinary, although a feeling of numbness arises in the left hand. Since that surge of energy, there is a mild pain in the left side of the pelvis and left thigh most times.

Yesterday and today it has happened a few times, that suddenly there is a sense/feeling of comfort and satisfaction. It wasn’t clear, but I guess I felt it as a movement of sensations from the chest or throat to my face and nose, and it was clearer in the face. It was like when you have a challenging task, and you do it successfully, and then you have relief and satisfaction. It only lasted for a few moments each time.
Also it happens sometimes these few days, that suddenly all visuals, internal and external, become clearer. As if before you were looking from a dirty window, now you opened the window and everything became clearer. Again it lasts only 10-20 seconds maybe.

Sunday, May 2, 2021, 1:46 AM

The last 1-2 hours there is a kind of agitation or nervousness and scatteredness of mind and hopelessness, that has become pervasive, that I don’t know what to do and I feel uncomfortable with my current experience, and uncomfortable inside my skin. Some tension has arisen in the abdomen and legs. In the last hour there is a constriction/discomfort in the throat, with discomfort in the chest/trachea and around the heart. It feels more emotional than energetic, or maybe both are related. Some energetics around the base of spine, with pain in the left lower arm, and vibrations at the top of the head.
I just switch between activities, mostly on screen, that don’t satisfy, and make me upset that I am wasting my time. There is stronger urge to consume things that could give some satisfaction, I ate an orange, little bit of satisfaction from it.
These color statics in the murk move and flicker more rapidly. I think its rate is above 10.

3:25 AM
Informally doing some slow noting of see hear feel, and noticing impermanence.
The intensity of these unpleasant emotions has increased. The feeling is that I just want to go to bed and hide there. Now in the last 30-40 minutes, energetics are becoming more active and intense. There is flickering of light in the visual field with eyes open and closed. Also some faint lights and shadows vibrating, and some bright. black and jewel tone dots flashing for a few moments. A mildly pleasant coolness spreads to most of the body. Once with the eyes open it looked like the central part of the visual field moved to the left, as if something pulled it.

6:31 AM
The unpleasantness had become too much. Did a sit. There were usual lights and energetics and vibrations etc. Later part of it sleepiness arose, and there were lots of visual thinking. Seeing images of things happening and thinking that they are actually happening now and thinking what to do next, and at the same time being slightly aware in the background that these are just thoughts. The unpleasantness has decreased somewhat, but let’s see what will come next. There was strong pain in the sacrum, and now there is itches there moving in place. Limbs feel cold again with some numbness and tension, also abdomen is tense.
-- Edit:
This thing happens sometimes when there is some relaxation in my legs. In this sit it was much clearer for some time, that it felt that the lower body is not part of me, and it had no difference with the blanket and other stuff there, although I felt its sensations clearly. The part of the body that looked and felt to be "my body" and me, was only a smaller part between the head and abdomen.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, May 3, 2021, 12:37 AM

Practiced in bed for a few hours, then a long sleep. Like last days, dreams of family members. There is less unpleasantness after waking up, although there is some tension in the abdomen and legs, but not too much. Still feeling of numbness in the left side of the left hand. There are faint lights and shadows in the vision, and the bright violet/blue/gray lights and colors expanding and contracting. There is a quiet sadness.

1:37 AM
The sadness has become more quiet. Stillness in the sensations. Some vibrations/tingles on the head. Some energetics in the spine and legs.

3:52 AM
Agony and misery. Although I’ve slept long and there is no sleepiness, but there is the urge to go to bed, to get away from everything. I need to work, but I feel not-capable of doing that, so both going to bed and not going to bed feel disappointing.
Doing informal practice, investigating which part of the current experience—body, mind, sights, sounds, space…— feels miserable, and which part of those sensations feel miserable, their beginnings, ends, or.., or the ones that just passed, or the ones that are arising, etc.

1:06 PM
Couldn’t work, so decided to practice instead of wallowing in despair. Investigated change and no-thing-ness for some hours. 2-3 Times the energy current moved to the solar plexus and it felt that the tension there opened. Although the tension is still there, but that was how it felt. That tension has been there since 7-8 years ago (at least) AFAIK.
The experience has been less unpleasant since I started practicing.

Tuesday, May 4, 2021, 4:09 AM

Went to bed in the afternoon. Limbs had become very cold. Practiced in bed for a while. There was jaw clenching I guess. Tension inside the head, and pain in the neck (I guess that’s responsible for the numbness, the tensions there). It seems that these few days I have those dreams that have vast open spaces in them, but I don’t remember them. Often during practice I get a vague impression of them. Just before waking up had an unpleasant dream with old roommates and friends, also I felt hungry in the dreams and were looking for food, because again I have aversion to eating in these few days, so I was actually hungry. After waking up, it has been mostly neutral/ordinary. Some tension in the abdomen and legs. It feels that the abdomen is tired. There was a rise of sexual energy for a short period. High mindfulness before sleep. Now more ordinary. Pain on and around the heart after the activation of energy during the practice. Energetics movements on the knees, before and after the sleep. Intense painful energy rise from the genitals when in bed, with that tickling flavor.

9:27 AM
Last few hours it has been emotionally neutral mostly. Higher clarity in the sensations with openness, inclusiveness and stillness. Less tension in the body. Some flickering of lights with faint swaths of lights and shadows, with subtle vibrations in the visual field, and arising of violet/blue lights. Some energetic activity, mostly in the legs and base of spine, not harsh, more like slow waves of vibrations.
Sleepiness has arisen, though without that soreness in the muscles! I don’t feel I have the energy for things that I need to do, working, shopping, cooking. I guess I’ll sleep. I even don’t feel the energy needed to go to bathroom then to bed.
Frequently there is movements of a little gray shadow sensation in the visual field, that it seems a fly or mosquito just flew away.
Sadness and disenchantment has arisen.
It feels that the core of the body, chest abdomen pelvis arm legs, the inner most part of all, wants to spit out something and get rid of it.

Wednesday, May 5, 2021, 12:52 AM

Didn’t do much formal practice before sleep, but practiced for a few hours in bed. Lots of intense energetics, some new locations having pain or vibrations. The energy current, its pain, and the vibrations have started to spread/penetrate into the pelvis, abdomen and solar plexus and heart, and that’s very good, although uncomfortable. Body-mind gets the training to have intense pain, but stay still, have equanimity, and not do anything about it. Once I got up to go to bathroom, before that there was burning in my left earlobe with feeling of heat and numbness in the left side of the face and head, after getting up I noticed it’s gone, and when I returned to bed, I noticed the body feels more comfortable and pleasant, and the breath in the nostrils feels mildly cool and pleasant, with mildly pleasant tingles in the hands and feet.
After waking up some of the discomforts are not present, but that quiet sadness and disenchantment is there with mild discomfort in the throat, upper chest and around the heart, and another thing that fuels it is the discomfort in the eyes. They have been uncomfortable for some weeks now, but last few days they were very uncomfortable, pain and watering, that regularly I have to keep them closed because the light causes pain. They’ve always had problem with light. I already have problem with working, and the pain in the neck and eyes makes it worse.

5:06 AM
The movements and vibrations of these faint lights and shadows with the eyes open has been consistently noticeable since last morning.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, May 5, 2021, 10:40 PM

No formal practice before bed. Few hours of practice in bed. Intense painful energetic. A few were of a new kind so they made the body move, but I could stay still with other ones. Toes were moving for hours because of the energy. I was focused on the mental image space, that at some point there was a clear recognition that all of the boundaries between places and people’s houses are just like transparent images and light show, and there is no boundaries. Then it expanded to the perception of people’s minds and lack of boundary between them, but it wasn’t that clear. Then there was an increase of clarity and sleepiness was gone completely. It took 6-7 hours to fall asleep, that made the body quite exhausted. For some hours mental images were very clear, that they were close to external sights. After waking up, that deep sadness is there. The vibrating faint lights and shadows in the visual field are there. There were jewel-tone bright dots and blobs of color while in bed, in different colors.
The eyes are still pretty uncomfortable. And these bright lights that appear in the vision, seem to cause discomfort for them too. I hope these energetics don’t affect these eyes because they can’t tolerate much discomfort, although I’ve noticed few different kinds of discomfort in them related to energy, like itching, burning, or coldness as if there is wind inside them. Today there is pain in their bones after the energetics in the morning.

Last few hours the violet lights have been present consistently and they are clearer. If I try to describe it, when I close the eyes, at first a circular area appears in the center, that it has a dim white color, with not clear edges, that flickers, maybe 3-4 pulse in a second, that while flickering it starts to shrink, and as it shrinks, the space that it had occupied, fills with flickering violet light. With similar pattern, the violet lights shrinks to a smaller size while it’s flickering, and a dark-gray or black color fills its space, then the black space shrinks while flickering and gets replaced by another violet, and similar pattern is going on in the periphery too, but their shape is less defined and this show continues for a short or long time. Often there is some white lights too, as a border around the violet, or violet is a border around the white or around the black. It’s the same with the eyes open too, though with the eyes open, since the background it bright, most of it is faint and transparent, and the part of the violet/blue, black and white that are stronger and more solid is seen more clearly, and the whole space in front of the eyes, 1-3 feet width (sometimes larger), flickers. The brightest part of the violet or white light is not pixelated like most of the content in the murk. It’s more like coal or alcohol flame that is flickering and expanding and contracting at the same time. Sometimes there is purple mixed in too, but most times it’s violet and/or blue. Sometimes (like now) a pale green is mixed with it too, or a golden yellow.

Thursday, May 6, 2021, 5:20 AM

The experience has been quite unpleasant all this night. Sadness and disenchantment were predominant, with guilt and shame related to work, with discomfort in the throat and around the heart.
In  the last hour, the flickering in the visual field has been more obvious. There was some energetic activation, in different parts of the body and a brief orgasm-like feeling. There is purple color added to the violet light show.

7:47 AM
A sit focused on the change and no-thing-ness mainly in the visuals. There were energetics, but only few of them were painful. Movements of color statics became much faster. Almost no subtle or gross distractions for a good portion of the sit. There is a reduction in the unpleasantness of emotions. There was more purple in the murk, also a few times red appeared for a moment. I almost never have red in the murk.

9:37 AM
Another sit with the same technique applied to the whole field of experience. I tried to apply it to the core processes as Daniel calls it, to the intentions, effort, aversions/attractions, subtle emotions etc. Energetic were more intense. A painful one in the sacrum was getting more intense, so I intended for it to turn into tingles, it didn’t turn into tingles but it went away. Applied this to a few other pains and it reduced their intensity.

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