RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago.

Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1287 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
To continue the practice and life log. May it be of benefit to someone.

About this name:
It's pronounced like:
See-ya-vash

Log history:

This is the initial part on fire kasina:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13223904

1st:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13519742

2nd:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/17421695

3rd:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/20832167

4th:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/21689099

5th:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/22192593

6th
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/22409581

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Saturday, April 17, 2021, 1:06 PM

When I went to bed in the morning, there was too much restlessness in the body. It usually takes some minutes for me to adjust my body in the bed because it feels/looks like the body is not aligned correctly in the bed in relation to the walls. It’s the mental image of the body that gives discomfort, previously sometimes I’d intentionally replace mental image of the body with a more aligned one and it would help. Today it took much longer to find comfort in the bed. I focused on the mental talk space, and there was lots of energetics, vibrations, pleasant tingles, feeling of insects moving on skin. Since this energy in the base of spine was more active, there was no sleepiness and there was tension in the abdomen that I had to breathe with my mouth. It took several hours to fall asleep. I’ve forgotten all the dreams. Those whole body vibrations spread occasionally in the body.

Sunday, April 18, 2021, 12:55 AM

Last few hours, body restless mind scattered. There is strong urge to consume, maybe to eat something, but I don’t know what I can eat that could give a satisfactory taste. Energetics in the right shoulder blade and base of spine, with the feeling in the head that feels like a fly is moving on my hairs, and vibrations in fingers. Also that feeling has arisen in my toes that feels like something is stuck under them. And vibrations in the left leg in this energetic point a few inches above the knee that feels like an insect is moving under the skin.

8:39 AM
These 2-3 days there seems to be this shift in the experience between restlessness and scatteredness of mind, and then relatively relaxed body-mind but heightened awareness that arising and passing of sensations are clearer than usual. Though today there has been lots of energetics and vibrations specially in the fingers. That usually is related to this heightened clarity.

10:11 AM
Did a sit started by focusing on sounds and mental talks, then got more focused on the nada sounds. There were 2-3 different parts (frequencies? What is the right term?) for the nada sound and that helicopter rotor sounds arose and pass a few times. Sleepiness has arisen since 40-50 minutes ago, unlike yesterday. Before ending the sit when I came out of sleepiness, I noticed that I am keeping my right hand in front of my face as if it has a mirror that I’m looking at it. I don’t know if there was a dream or something else related to that. Now there is that sleepiness discomfort in the body and the vibrations in the fingers are gone.

9:57 PM
Last night a deep sadness arose that stayed with varying degrees of intensity until I slept. After waking up it’s still present, although not as intense as last night. It was triggered by an event, or maybe more accurately by a sequence of thoughts related to that event. Also I had heard some bad news of death and sickness around close friends and I think that had some effect too. It made me reflect back on my whole life, on how this kind of sadness has been present in different periods of my life. It always finds a story to attach to it, but I know that it’s not really because of those stories, they get replaced by other stories but the sadness remains. It’s a feeling of separation. And a grasping. I’ve always noticed that when I have that feeling for people that I love, I still feel it when being with those people too, because I still feel separated, and not connected enough.

In the last few days I’ve noticed this thing a few times, that while I am doing something or practicing, and I am perceiving the sensations, suddenly it looks/feels like I am back to seeing objects from the vantage point behind my eyes again. I don’t have enough clarity about it yet to know that before noticing this return to the eyes vantage point, what is the vantage point or how are the mental images of the body and head. I don’t know if it’s a change in the mental images of the body or space or what, but the coming back is noticeable.
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Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1287 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Monday, April 19, 2021, 4:13 AM

The sadness has become very intense again for some hours. I notice that there is a strong element of guilt in it. Every life circumstance that comes to mind, I notice guilt related to that as if it was my fault, at least partially, that someone else has some discomfort. It’s non-sensical. Situations that absolutely have nothing to do with me, but in a way I feel separation in one way or another with the people involved in that situation, and have feeling of guilt that I am responsible for the separation, and for their discomfort.

6:23 AM
As I was burning in this sadness, I sat to do some practice since I couldn’t continue working. Used Shinzen’s Focus In, focusing on the mental and emotional part of the experience. There were very intense energetics, a good portion of them painful, but there were some mildly pleasant ones too. That ice-cold feeling arose in 2-3 energetic points for the first time, that usually have pain or itches, one in the back and one in the abdomen. There was some coolness and vibration that had higher pleasantness than usual but were very brief. There was intense sensations under the jaw as if something hit it hardly, but some minutes later a set of sporadic vibrations arose in the face that felt like something has opened, it was like the face is lighter now and breathing with the nose is easier and a little pleasant. There were a few other ones that felt similar as if something opened, but nothing intense. There was a feeling similar to vomiting. Color statics became slower once to twice as if they have gap between them, one frame after another. After about an hour, the sadness lost its intensity, and later sleepiness arose. Still there are vibrations and energetics in the body.

Oh I forgot, there were many mental images of old memories from childhood and other periods of life, also mental talks related to past memories, one instance was interesting, that I heard the sentence that we would say in the family when the house door was knocked that one of us had to go to open the door and see who is behind the door.
​​​​​​​There were few vague and very low resolution faces that appeared in the murk, I guess female faces.
George S, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1775 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Just a thought here. A certain degree of separation is healthy, even desirable. But sometimes there’s the idea that “I should be closer to other people”, which leads to guilt about separation. Some people manipulate others to feel that guilt for them, others direct it at themselves. The classic example is the mother who likes to be alone but makes her children feel guilty for not calling or visiting enough. I used to think that intimacy meant “being really close”, but I’m coming more to the view that it means being honest about what you really want. So many of life’s problems seem to come from a disconnect between what people say they want and what they really want. I don't know if that's helpful or whether I'm just talking about myself!
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Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1287 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Hey George,
I don't know.
I don't think it's related to any specific person or event or type of connection.. . They are just triggers. Embers that ignite the fire. And while that fire is burning, it burns all those people and events and such too.
It stops burning at some point, because it's just ashes everywhere.
 
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Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1287 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Monday, April 19, 2021, 8:25 PM

The sadness has taken a more quiet and tender flavor today, less personal more abstract. Although the situation that had triggered it is resolved, ah there wasn’t anything to be resolved, it’s just my projections, I sometimes have a flood of projections that creates a drama, only to give rise and fuel for these emotions. It took me into music and poetry for some hours, and tears, but there is nothing to be sad about, it’s just the raw sadness.
The energetics in the upper back and shoulder blades are there, it’s stronger in the right side. It feels like a slightly pleasant pain.

Tuesday, April 20, 2021, 6:14 AM

The sadness had become more intense again. Tried to work with no success. Then had a chat with a friend and some encouragement from her that I could start after that. It decreased the intensity of the sadness a little bit. Then some more chatting and working, that after a few hours that thick cloud is mostly gone. Still there is sadness but it’s manageable, although its intensity changes. That left leg pain has returned today. Also the pain in the left side of the back and rib cage, that could be related to tensions/energetics.These few days I often have a discomfort in the body that I have difficulty finding a posture to make my legs feel comfortable, both in sitting and reclining. This seems to be different from the leg restlessness that I had for some years, that mostly went away after the first 1-2 years of meditation.

9:00 AM
The blue/violet lights/colors had arisen. Did some informal practice noting See Hear Feel while forgetting it constantly. Then sat and focused on the mental talk space and nada sound. The blue/violet lights disappeared after maybe 10 minutes into the sit. At some point the helicopter rotor sound arose, that accidentally I noticed that its frequency seems to be in sync with the flickering color statics in the murk. Then both became faster while staying in sync. Then faster again and it was hard to see if they are in sync or not. The rotor sound stopped while color statics flickering in a slower speed, 5-8 per second I guess. There was an impression of a female face in the murk twice for a fraction of a second, that looked like it’s looking into my eyes. Later sleepiness arose and I don’t remember much after that. There were few energetics and bodily vibrations only in the early part of the sit. The sadness is almost gone, also the leg and back pain. Need to go to bed.
There were energetics before the sit, now they have arisen after the sit again!
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Tuesday, April 20, 2021, 11:17 PM

I slept a little longer today. That sleepiness discomfort was 10/10 and I had difficulty getting up, but it went away 10-20 minutes after I got up. There are lots of vibrations in the body. For about an hour there were big waves of vibrations in the upper torso and head, that seemed like initiates from the upper middle back, between the shoulder blades and spreads up and fills the whole space above it. Also constant feelings on the skin like insets are moving and the one above left knee that feels an insect is moving under the skin. The sadness is mostly gone but I can feel a trace of it. It’s like you’ve lost a loved one and grieved it and now have acceptance for it, but you know that part of you is gone, is dead, is empty.

Wednesday, April 21, 2021, 10:39 AM

Worked a few hours, and had a nice chat. Sadness is gone completely. Did some practice. The energetics have been present constantly, with some new flavors and new locations having vibrations like my mouth or inside nostrils. There were lots of pain in the back in different parts of it, but after the sit it has decreased. There was a feeling of heat in the base of spine, with momentary burning in the fingers, toes and tongue.

Thursday, April 22, 2021, 4:45 AM

Practiced taking and sending tonight, because a friend is in distress and I couldn’t think of doing any other practice. I don’t remember its instruction clearly, and I just did my own version that I do sometimes.

7:14 PM
Last night focused on mental talk space and nada sound while in bed. It seems that I have more dreams again these few days. Today I remembered two sets of dreams that both had strong emotions in them, specially the second one, which was very tender, I had high confidence, and I had a dear guest and exchange of care and love and understanding. The first one was very vivid. It seemed that there is a military conflict going on near my house, then while we were outside at night, my brother noticed a big jet in the sky, and we stood there looking at it and enjoying the beauty of the sky and this big thing that was flying very smoothly above us (Although the jet looked different from how it actually is). Then we both noticed the clouds and mountains in the horizon that were very beautiful and vivid and we started taking pictures of it. Some weeks ago I had a dream about someone that I loved in the past that it didn’t go the way I’d want, although we were still friends. In previous dream she was in my house and when leaving said that it’s time to go meaning that this should be a goodbye. Today in the second dream I had invited her for dinner and she came and it was tender and good, but we didn’t cross our boundaries, and I accompanied her to the cab so that she could go back to her life. I don’t know why she came to my mind again. Both dreams had a strong emotional residue after I woke up. In the first one I was partially awake toward the end of it, and I noticed that I had 5-10 different dream scenes in a short time, which I forgot most of them, but after waking up I started writing it and tried to remember it, and they started coming back one by one, although I know that I didn't remember some of them. During the first one I noticed that I am laughing while noticing my body in bed that was laughing and hearing myself, and I found something funny in the dream and it was joyful, also I think I was aware of the body breathing in bed, but I don’t remember what was in the dream that made me laugh.

​​​​​​​Today although there is some mild restlessness in the body, but I feel that I am a little bit lighter, more equanimous. Maybe that is the effect of that sadness. I had to send monthly work report and usually that is something that I don’t like to do, but I started it without thinking much about it, and did it pretty fast like the old days, I noticed that the mind can think fast again, and I didn’t have that obsessive checking of things. I’ve noticed it a number of times in the last few days too that sometimes the mind thinks fast again and comes up with different ideas and solutions. It was kind of a surprise.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 5468 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
I like your thorough and detailed reports. They are a pleasure to read. 

Ha, my pronounciation was correct! (Selfing noted)

I have come to understand that excessive thinking is an energy phenomenon too. I guess it's the more distracted version of it, whereas the buzzing and tingling and heat and the tones and the lights are concentration-related.  You seem to periodically have both versions. Lama Lena would say that you seem to have rising lung and squeeky energy channels and recommend vitamine B complex. Michael Taft would recommend that you direct the energy below the navel to ground yourself. I have started to ask the excessive energy to go where it is better needed, which also reminds me not to cling to it. I don't know if any of that is of any help to you. If not, feel free to ignore it. 

I'm still trying to figure out what people mean exactly when they talk about energy. It seems to me that energy is the flickering in and out of existence in itself. So what does "rising lung" really mean? That one has increasingly become a hub for the comings into being and the comings out of being? I certainly feels like giving birth sometimes. I'm glad you get to rest from it. 

Best wishes! 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1287 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Hi Linda,

I like your thorough and detailed reports. They are a pleasure to read. 
Actually every time that I post, I push myself to do it, because part of me always says that don't share too much details, it will bother people if anyone is reading it, but I have to ignore that thought! Glad that it doesn't bother you.


Ha, my pronounciation was correct! 
Great! You must be a non-english speaker! ;)


I have come to understand that excessive thinking is an energy phenomenon too. I guess it's the more distracted version of it, whereas the buzzing and tingling and heat and the tones and the lights are concentration-related.
Yes, it seems to me to be related to energy too. It's not very clear to me yet, but it seems that there are some big categories, and then sub-categories. Something along the lines of vipassana-jhanas, although I am not sure it maps to it always.


You seem to periodically have both versions. Lama Lena would say that you seem to have rising lung and squeeky energy channels and recommend vitamine B complex. Michael Taft would recommend that you direct the energy below the navel to ground yourself. I have started to ask the excessive energy to go where it is better needed, which also reminds me not to cling to it. I don't know if any of that is of any help to you. If not, feel free to ignore it. 
It seems that this has been going on for quite a while, and when I started doing daily fire kasina practice two years ago, it intensified it, and its cycling became more rapid and chaotic.
Thank you so much for these pointers. It's helpful. I'll try to check them, specially Lama Lena's material. In Michael's public talks I haven't seen detailed data about energy. Any specific resource you have in mind that could be helpful? Thanks.


I'm still trying to figure out what people mean exactly when they talk about energy. It seems to me that energy is the flickering in and out of existence in itself. So what does "rising lung" really mean? That one has increasingly become a hub for the comings into being and the comings out of being? I certainly feels like giving birth sometimes. I'm glad you get to rest from it.

Yes, everyone uses "energy" in a different way. What I mean by energetics, is the set of sensations that seems to be related to the activation of sensations in the base of spine and sacrum, that when there is more activity there, then a specific set of sensations manifest, like tingles itches lights sounds pains etc. But what the energy is..., yeah who knows. I have some ideas, but not very clear.
Obviously I don't know what it feels to give birth, but yeah, sometimes there is a unique quality in the experience, that the best way to describe it for me is that the body or my being wants to give birth to something.

Thanks.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 5468 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
I wish it would be the default for more practicioners to describe their phenomenology in depth. DhO has spoiled me. 

My mother tongue is Swedish and it seems to be somewhat closer in pronounciation. English pronounciation diverges weirdly from other languages in some ways. I also took a five weeks course in farsi many years ago. 

I don't know of any public resources where Michael talks about how to deal with energy. It's something that he has emphasized in closed teachings. He also said that trying to push the energy outward gives him rashes and that for most people that has some adverse symptoms. I seem to be an exception there. Not that I'm pushing the energy. It's more like I just let it remember that there is no container, and it seems to respond to that by taking more subtle forms which know no boundaries. He thinks it has to do with my neurodivergence, and for the others he strongly recommends anchoring the energy below the navel, which supposedly calms the mind. He hasn't been very detailed, though. I'm trying to get him to talk more about it but we tend to run out of time in our short private check-ins. It's difficult for me to steer the conversation at two o clock in the morning. 

Yes, I think most practicioners here refer to energy or energetic phenomena in a similar way. I guess I just personally find it more helpful to get to know the different forms it can take rather than seeing it as limited to a more narrow spectrum, because it helps me to work at a more subtle level, which I need. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Thank you.
I'll play with it to see how it goes, although my approach these days is mostly hands-off approach, to let it manifest the way it wants.

My mother tongue is Swedish and it seems to be somewhat closer in pronounciation. English pronounciation diverges weirdly from other languages in some ways. I also took a five weeks course in farsi many years ago. 

Yeah I knew all the above. I was just kidding emoticon .
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Saturday, April 24, 2021, 3:09 AM

Yesterday evening I went for a short walk. The earth, space and trees looked calm, equanimous and serene.

Mind-state was relatively equanimous and light. I wanted to take a day off from worries of working, so I thought maybe do something else. I had 3 options, working, practicing, and another activity which was technical too, but doubt arose and I couldn’t decide which one to do. Hours passed and it became more and more frustrating that I couldn’t decide. Then that tender sadness arose and stayed for a few hours while still feeling frustrated and disappointed. Later in the middle of night I gave up and decided to practice. Made some food, then spent the next 5-6 hours practicing on and off cushion. Still couldn’t decide what technique to practice, so I opened all senses to notice whatever that arises. Did some fire kasina too, and then became obsessed about noticing mental talks exactly when they arise. I was trying to catch the sensation of a mental talk, but I noticed that I only hear it maybe 1/3 to 1/5 of a second after it arises. And most of mental talks were very subtle that mostly felt like there isn’t much hearing. It’s a mixture, some physical sensations in the mouth, throat and inner ears, with some very subtle mental images related to the movements of the mind or attention. Then tried to do it with all of the experience, to notice how every instance of experience arises from a dimensionless point.
Energetics became very intense at some point. Feelings similar to pressing something very sharp on the tissue, or burning, and the feeling in fingers and toes that has the flavor of bones crushing. A few times it looked/felt like the body starts to move, or as if I am partially detached from the body or its mental image. There was more depth and spaciousness in the visual field. There were some pleasant sensations too, mostly the coolness/breeze spreading on the skin. A few times the bright white light tried to move a little farther from the face and form a circle, but it didn’t succeed.
A few times that black dot (very beautiful) with a bright ring around it arose. Once it was bigger and stayed longer, then started moving closer to the face and as it was moving, it became bigger then turned into an oblong shape. Then the ring went away and the black spot became a little bigger and then vanished.

I notice several different layers in the mental talk space, and the inner layers seems to be much harder to observe. By hard I mean detecting the exact instant that a talk arises. It's mostly like sequences of very subtle and brief humming that is going on most of the time. I guess it's maybe related to the music. For many years music was present almost all my waking time, listening, playing, singing, and almost always there was a tune playing in my mind. It has changed somewhat, but still a lot of times something is playing in the mind.

Today that doubt is still present that I have difficulty deciding what to do. That energetic pain in fingers and toes are present, with some activity on the shoulder blades and 2-3 painful points below that. I think these are related to the releasing of tension in those muscles probably, since I’d tense these muscles habitually without actually being aware of it. It was only maybe a year or so ago that I noticed they are almost always tense. But now I don’t tense it usually, but there are these discomforts. There are other energetics in the knees and elbows, that feels like maybe liquid is moving between the skin and bone.

It seems that neighbors noises bother me less these days. Whenever I notice it starts to become annoying, I say in the mind: May they be well…, it’s not my problem it’s theirs.., just more sensations, let’s notice their arising and passing… . So far so good. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, April 24, 2021, 5:53 AM

Forgot to mention, first few hours after waking up there were waves of vibration in the upper torso and head. Today it felt that it initiates from two spots, one between shoulder blades, the other in the neck in both sides of it below the ears a little toward its center. Those two locations in the neck often have vibrations during practice, or the feeling that an insect is moving there, sometimes mixed with painful tickling.

Did a sit. Since couldn’t decide about the technique, I thought it’s easier to just focus on the mental talk space. There was that shift in the experience that looks like the distance between head and hand is longer and I am leaned forward and about to fall, while the body-mind feels still.
It became clearer that it’s harder to notice the exact arising of the more subtle mental talks,  because they don’t have a noticeable physical component in the front part of the mouth. They sneak into awareness.

Sometimes after practice (like for a few minutes after this sit) when there is higher clarity, there is a subtle joy in the experience, because the mere fact of having sensations that manifest, seems to have joy in it.
Although that subtle joy is replaced by frustration again now.

8:15 AM
Did another sit, a bit longer, focused on mental talks then mixed it with the breath in the throat and back of the mouth/head/inner-ears. More or less similar to previous one. There was mild but steady pleasantness, coolness and tingles, that was there for about an hour, but didn’t lead to anything that I could confidently call a jhana. After the energy became stronger and led to pleasant sensations, there were lots of mental talks. After the sit there is that subtle joy of manifestation again, that these keyboard buttons and their touch is very nice, or I look at the water bottle and the space around it and it looks beautiful. I just want to keep watching that bottle and these buttons.
Now that I look around, all visual objects have beauty, with different degrees.

8:08 PM
While in bed I focused on the mental talk space, energetics became very painful. The vibration/electric-shock in the left long toe was intense. First 2-3 times that it happened, the foot moved and I couldn’t keep it still, but later I could have equanimity with it and other ones and kept the body still. 6-7 hours in bed and I didn’t get up, unlike usual. First few hours after waking up there were those big waves of vibration. Any hint of emotionality triggers them. The initiation of them from the neck was more noticeable today. It’s like having goosebumps constantly for 1-2 hours. Left shoulder blade had vibrations and tingles too similar to the right one that often has.
In the evening I went to the rooftop to check the cooler and the moment I opened the door, I got hit by the view of mountains and clouds. Clouds were everywhere, and the mountains had that look that it looks like the gray end of blue. Very beautiful, but the thunder storm sent me inside.
A minute after I woke up I started noting See Hear Feel and continued it for a while, but then forgot it.
Before going to bed during the practice, there were very brief emotions, mostly fear/terror, with mental images of past memories that possibly had that emotions.

Sunday, April 25, 2021, 5:33 AM

Today worked for some hours, it was good. Last few hours again there is sadness that sometimes becomes intense. It seems that this one is directly related to the fact that a friend is getting prepared to move to another country, but still I am not certain. Last hour minutes energetics have become more active, in the base of spine and long toes.

6:53 AM
A sit focused on the mental talk space with the physical sensations involved in mental talks. Lots of distracting thoughts with the theme of sadness. Energetics, mostly tingles/vibrations in locations that usually have pain, and sexual feelings, although not noticeably pleasant. A few times strong energetics in the throat like something is pressed on its center. Emotional sensations in the throat and around the heart.

8:28 AM
Another sit with the same technique at first, then switched to all the sensations related to the head. There were almost no distractions. Body mind got still with relaxation in the hands, so I focused on the hands. Stronger energetics after that, left foot had a good equanimity test. Sadness is mostly gone.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, April 26, 2021, 12:58 AM

Remembered two dreams today. I guess first one felt good, and I had awareness of the body at the end of it, but second one before getting up was very unpleasant. I was in the airport to go to another country to continue my studies (!!!), but something happened, and the ticket was cancelled, there were no airplanes, I lost my university admission because of that, then I lost my bag and clothes and all my money. Tried to go back inside to find my bag, but they said you should pay entrance money, and I had to go down stairs that had more than 5-6 feet empty space between stairs, with no possible ways to walk down. Tried to go back home, that was in another city, but there were no cars and people were just waiting without hope.
Something was different about me that everyone looked at me with embarrassment and I was standing there alone. I was thinking can I reach home if I walk for a day and night, and at some point I woke up feeling terrible. There was too much sleepiness discomfort that it took a while to get up.

For a few hours mind-state was relatively calm with those vibrations in the torso and head. Listened to music, there was intense feelings around it. It felt that the music tears me apart. After that it has been mainly a mix of sadness, disgust, guilt, and self&others critique. That feeling and mental images of cutting the base of a fingernail comes up frequently.
Did a sit noting with Shinzen’s Focus In and then Note Everything. There was more movements in energetics, and since it had more movements, its pain spread to new locations too. At the base of spine it started moving around then moving up a little bit, but then stopped and turned to a strong sharp pain, and went away after some minutes. There were no distractions in the later part, and coolness spread on the body for 10-20 minutes that was cooler than before, and spread to some new locations like the back of the neck.

4:24 AM
Started working, but the mind can’t think clearly and there is some technical complexities. Those violet/blue/bright lights/colors have arisen, expanding/contracting between me and the monitor that obscure the text in the monitor. I keep my eyes wide open and gaze sharply to be able to read, but when I ease the effort a little bit, immediately the eyes defocus, and color statics fill the surface of the monitor.

7:39 AM
Did two sits, focusing on the mind space. Mind became still, energetics became more painful. It gives me some ideas about why different parts of the body have different kinds of pain and energetics, but it needs more observation.

6:19 PM
While in bed I focused on the mind space and nada sound. Energetic became more intense, almost everywhere in the body had some manifestation simultaneously. Vibrations, tingles, itches, pain, throbbing, and the feeling under the left knee, in elbows, and a few places on the head that felt something is moving under the skin to jump out of it. Then a big wave started in the right big toenail, that the toenail itself felt very painful like if you want to take it out, but from there a wave of tingles/vibrations spread up to the right side of the body. After that the intensity decreased.
That painful vibrations that I have in long toes, started to arise in fingers too. And there was a feeling in the feet that felt like it’s burning with heat, at the same time it felt very cold. This had happened two night ago too. This one feels pleasantly painful.
Didn’t get up in the middle of sleep, improvement. Unlike previous days, I didn’t have waves of vibration in the torso/head after waking up. Instead, there was in increase of sexual energy, somewhat similar to last night’s practice sessions.

Tuesday, April 27, 2021, 1:02 AM

A sit focused on the mind space, but in a light and gentle way to keep the energetic pain tolerable. Still it was intense, but the equanimity with it was acceptable, I could keep the body still. There was sleepiness for a big part of the sit. A few times there was that feeling that feels like suddenly body just landed on the ground, without feeling any movement before that. And there was a constant shift in the visual field between the usual one, and another one that kind of looked like I am seeing myself and the content of the murk from a distance? Or from a point behind my body? It wasn’t clear.

6:52 AM
Did a sit focused on the mind space. The moment I started focusing, very painful energetics arose and stayed like that for some time, then sleepiness arose and energetics subsided mostly. The sleepiness was strong. Also I felt sleepy before the sit. That feeling of landing arose once for a moment, but it was different. It felt like my body collapsed from the inside and fell down. Like the inner part collapsed then the outer part collapsed on that.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö
Michael Taft would recommend that you direct the energy below the navel to ground yourself....

​​
Linda, can you please elaborate a little bit what Michael means by this instruction?
Does it mean focusing on the physical sensations below the navel? Or imagining energy currents moving down their, or?

Thank you. 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Tuesday, April 27, 2021, 11:43 PM

Today slept longer. Don’t remember any dreams. Difficulty getting up. While in bed I tried to stabilize the attention on the mental image space, but the sensations of breathing interrupted the focus constantly. This interruption usually happens when practicing in bed.
It was relatively calm/neutral for a few hours after getting up. 1-2 times waves of vibrations spread to the upper body because I read something that triggered emotions. Last few hours brief feelings of despair and insecurity comes and goes constantly. A few times tried to note see hear feel off-cushion but I kept forgetting. It’s around an hour now that movements have become slower, there is higher mindfulness and clarity, and there is a subtle sense of comfort (?) or contentment (?) or beauty in the sensations, especially external sights and somatic sensations. Not much energetics so far, although there is mild tingles/vibrations in the hands after the increase of clarity.
That feeling of an insect moving on the skin arose at the base of spine for a moment a minute ago, this was the first time to have that feeling there. Also today there was a feeling of coolness in the sole of the right foot, that feels like it’s in touch with cold water. I had that feeling regularly for 1-2 years before, but I haven’t had it for some months.

Wednesday, April 28, 2021, 2:14 AM

Feelings of hopelessness had become predominant, with sleepiness and an urge to go to bed. Sat to practice, and focused on the mind space in a gentle way. There was lots of distractions and sleepiness that occupied a big portion of the bandwidth of the awareness. Much less energetics compared to the last days. Then I started paying closer attention and focusing on the content of the space instead of being aware of the space. There were more energetics after that, and when I paid closer attention, it had an immediate effect of bringing more painful energetics. There were some distorted sleepy perceptions. 1-2 times there was a sense in the visual field as if there is an empty space there beside the visuals, like a small empty and dark cave connected to color statics. I think yesterday the energetics were 5-10 times more active and painful.

10:02 AM
After the previous sit, still the mind-state was mostly hopelessness with sleepiness and lack of energy. I was supposed to work but I didn’t have energy for it and there was an urge to go to bed so I decided to go to bed. But then I had a short chat with my friend and she encouraged me to work, and made me promise that I'll work. So it was an opportunity to work but I still didn’t have energy and felt sleepy. So I decided to practice first with an energy inducing technique. Started noting see hear feel without labels, and it became faster and I pushed myself to note faster, I guess it went toward 10-20 sensations per second. There wasn’t much energetics, just rapid movements of attention and flickering lights and color statics, and occasionally spaciousness and feeling of movement in the body and visual space. After about an hour of this, I relaxed the effort and the body, and noticed the relaxation in my hands. Immediately energetics became active. What I call the main energy current, for the lack of a better term, that only arises in a few places sometimes, one in the base of spine and one in the abdomen sometimes, that feels like movement of cool water in a hose, and usually moves only 1-3 inches maximum, arose at the base of spine and moved up a few inches, and at the same time a similar one arose at the middle of the spine and moved up a few inches. Then the same feeling arose in the abdomen and moved a little bit in a few directions, then it arose in the solar plexus and moved to the right and left and maybe other directions a few inches. Then another one moved from lower abdomen to the left leg 5-6 inches. There were smaller currents that spread in different locations, with bright lights and coolness and tingles and pains. This was the first time that I had this current of energy spread in this scale. There was no dullness/sleepiness or distractions so I continued for another hour. Since this sit brought some interest and motivation, after a break I did another 2 hours sit with the same technique. Now although there isn’t much sleepiness, but the body is tired, but I am starting to do some work to keep my promise, and to keep the hope alive for the next day.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, April 28, 2021, 10:19 PM

Although I had stayed awake longer, but before going to bed there wasn’t sleepiness at all. It was an interesting mix, because there wasn’t much energetic activation. Often more active energetics and not feeling sleepy come together, but this was different. First part of the sleep I wasn’t sure if I was asleep or not. I focused on the color statics and stayed focused on it I guess until I got up, and I was aware of the body, but I don’t remember being aware of the rest of the experience. I tried to count the rate of the flickering of the color statics, it was easily 10 per second, but I am not sure if it was higher than that. In the second part, a few times there was awareness of the body while having dreams. Once I noticed that I am laughing, then became aware of the body laughing in the bed to something that was happening in the dream, but I don’t remember what that was. Had difficulty getting up because that intense feeling of sleepiness has arisen again. Energetics are not active, and the whole body feels sore and crushed.
Before getting up I was half-awake, half-asleep while having a strange dream, but a phone call forced me to get up.
Today again the sensations in the shoulder blades are active, especially the left one (unlike usual that the right one is more active). It feels like there is tension there which feels slightly painful, but vibrations and tingles spread on it constantly that gives it a slightly pleasant feel. It feels like the tension is breaking up into vibrations.

Thursday, April 29, 2021, 3:02 AM

Lots of bright white and black dots arise. Less chaotic movements in the color statics in the murk, with a green spot in the center and purple and blue around it with a contrast higher than usual, and finer color statics. These all often show up together, but still I am not sure which stage this is. The sleepiness is predominant, with almost no energetics.

5:43 AM
Did a sit, and focused on the relaxation in the body and mind space in a gentle way. The main thing about it was the sleepiness that filled most of the sit. Occasionally there were momentary mild energetics. At some point there was mental image of where I sit, but seen from the opposite direction in a relatively clear and 3D way, that while I was standing there, suddenly I noticed something is moving there, and I saw it was a cat that moved forward and jumped toward me. It made the body jump up and come out of that sleepy state.
Low level of mindfulness on and off cushion.

8:16 PM
While in bed in the morning, I focused on the body relaxation. I didn’t lose awareness for a few hours, but I guess I was asleep. There was a feeling of insects moving on my upper arms, then energy currents in the abdomen a little bit, and after that it was more quiet. Things happened in the sleep and dream that I can’t remember. Slept longer, and that intense discomfort of sleepiness is present. No energetics so far. It seems that the only reasonable explanation for these shifts in energetics and sleepiness and clarity of attention, is the cycling. Is it PoI cycling or kundalini cycling, or both are the same thing, I don’t know. It could be a transition from ñ5 to ñ6, or from ñ7 to ñ8, or something else.
Oh, I remembered one of them. First few hours in bed, while focusing on the relaxation in my hands and arms, I kept noticing that I get lost in something, I don’t know if it was sleep or mind-wandering or hypnagogia, but coming back was noticeable, and each time that I came back, I noticed that I’ve tensed the muscles in my back, shoulders and shoulder blades, and also legs, so I relaxed them, and this happened maybe 10-20 times. Also there was jaw clenching while in bed. I’ve had jaw clenching after waking up too. It could be related to a transition from this sleepy mode to a more agitated one with fearful dreams that jaw-clenching is one of its characteristics for me.

11:23 PM
It’s around an hour now that it seems that the sleepiness discomfort package is gone, or mostly gone. There was and is some anger and dissatisfaction/bitterness with the experience in the last 1-2 hours. A strong pain arose at the base of spine half an hour ago and stayed for 5-10 minutes. It wasn’t in a single point, but in an area around 3-5 inches * 3-5 inches around the base of spine, similar to when I lift a heavy weight. And a mild pain and coolness inside the hips. Then 1-2 times feeling of an insect moving on my upper back. Then the energetics in the shoulder blades arose.

Friday, April 30, 2021, 2:20 AM

Still no sleepiness, and bitterness in the experience. Some energetics have arisen. Pain around the base of spine that feels like small pieces of metal are stuck inside (obviously not with the intensity of having an actual piece of metal there), with some movement of sensations there. And some movements of energetics inside the hips. Unlike usual, there are a set of dots in the center of the visual field, pale white/yellow small dots that are gathered around the center. This one seems to be a mark for one/some of the stages.
Also there is increased tension in the muscles, and increased jerkiness in the body. More numbness in the hands/feet when they stay in certain positions.

4:53 AM
Did a sit focused on the change. More numbness in the beginning and more painful energetics, then numbness decreased and energetics were less painful with more vibrations, then sleepiness that gradually became stronger with the soreness in muscles. At one point there was a sound in the mind that was like something popped, that after that there was a mild release-like feeling in the face with spread of tingles in the body, but it passed after some seconds. A few times there was a perception that I perceived myself as two entities, that one was thinking or talking about the other one. The tension and jerkiness on the body seem to be decreased.

7:45 AM
A sit, I guess focused on the change, forgotten! Degrees of sleepiness. Mix of painful and mildly pleasant energetics. Some became intense, some were new. The feeling of insect moving on the skin arose on the head and spread to a larger area, also it arose between eyebrows once, both for the first time. Tensing muscles for most of the sit. There were some movements in the visual space itself, and feeling of movement in the body. Once it felt that the body moved back and was about to fall down as if it’s empty in the behind. Some movements along the spine, mostly painful. Energy currents in the abdomen. Currents and vibrations in the legs. Spaciousness and stillness for a few minutes like the last sit. A few times it looked like I am seeing myself from a point outside the body image.
There is less sleepiness and soreness now.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Friday, April 30, 2021, 11:21 PM

Stayed longer in bed. It took several hours to fall asleep today. Practice went on for more than an hour in bed, then going in and out of sleep, dream and practice. Energetics in the first part with pressure inside the head. There were family dreams, mild unpleasantness at first, then it was good, but then very unpleasant. There was a kind of flying-like dream, but it had fear in it, and I don’t remember those brief flyings. A big building was covered by a tarp cover, and I was hanging from that cover 10-20 yards above the ground, trying to grab it and move to the other side of the building, with fear of falling down. For a while in bed, it seemed the vantage point was outside the head a little above its left side, unlike usual that is behind the eyes, or maybe it was a mix of both.
So far no energetics. And there is mild sleepiness and soreness.
Trying to stay present, but the mind is scattered.
Still there is feeling of numbness in the limbs, and tension in the muscles.

Saturday, May 1, 2021, 1:34 AM

Oh, I remembered. There was a dream, with some family members, and I moved external objects by sending them energy. It looked pretty normal, although it seemed that they were not expecting it.
There is some despair-sadness and insecurity, with work-related thoughts.

6:20 AM
The sleepiness is gone completely. The tension has increased dramatically. It’s similar to the experience that I had a few weeks ago for a few days. Also similar to the experience I had for a few years, that at first I thought it’s related to health and blood pressure (!), because it would increase my blood pressure, and later I realized that it’s anxiety. In those years I had that anxiety for long periods, although there were also periods that the body-mind was more calm and less anxious. When it was intense, I’d have a lot of tension in the body, the limbs would feel cold and somewhat numb, with increased agitation, jerkiness, and hypervigilance, and obsessive worrying. Now it’s pretty much like that. In those years there would be periods of increased sleep and lack of motivation and energy too. Now I think that it’s likely that all of those experiences were the effect of cycling, but because there was no meditation, their periods were longer, and the shifts were slower. And I may be wrong.
This tension affects the walking and other movements. There is headache and discomfort in almost everywhere in the body.

7:22 AM
The tensions have intensified more. Headache is almost gone, but a pain has arisen in earlobes. There is constriction in the throat, with discomfort in the chest and trachea that it feels like vomiting. There is mild heart-racing and panting. Pain in the neck. Some energetics have arisen since 10-20 minutes ago, mostly feelings of insect moving on skin.

10:51 AM
Did 5-10 minutes of sky/clouds kasina (very beautiful, with beautiful afterimage), it seemed that it decreased the intensity of tensions/agitation/discomforts. Later after I finished working, did a sit focused on the mind space. Visual space was spacious. Uncomfortable energetics in the beginning, later they were less uncomfortable. In the first part there were bright white lights in the periphery of the visual field, later the light came to the center for some minutes. Toward the end sleepiness arose with the soreness in the muscles. Now after the sit, it seems that a big portion of the tensions/discomforts are gone. Limbs don’t feel cold, and there is no numbness. Though they may come later. Energetics are active after the sit.

Now some minutes later, tension/discomfort and numbness have increased. With more energetics and vibrations. Sleepiness and soreness are gone.
(So my guess is that the sit caused some shifts in the sub-nanas, but not in the higher level nana.)​​​​​​​
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, May 1, 2021, 9:48 PM

Today in bed I focused on vibrations/changes. There were usual stuff, some intense throbbing, especially one in the middle of the spine was pretty harsh. But then a very intense surge of energy arose in the left side of the pelvis, that was next-level. It made the whole body jump up, with an involuntary mini-scream kind of sound, that all happened in less than a second. I don’t think electric shock is an accurate description. It’s more like there are tens of tiny armatures that are running and vibrating inside the body. After that I set intentions to not freak out, and stay still and equanimous with the next ones, but there wasn’t that level of intensity after that. After I woke up in the evening, it seems that the tension is gone. It feels more neutral/ordinary, although a feeling of numbness arises in the left hand. Since that surge of energy, there is a mild pain in the left side of the pelvis and left thigh most times.

Yesterday and today it has happened a few times, that suddenly there is a sense/feeling of comfort and satisfaction. It wasn’t clear, but I guess I felt it as a movement of sensations from the chest or throat to my face and nose, and it was clearer in the face. It was like when you have a challenging task, and you do it successfully, and then you have relief and satisfaction. It only lasted for a few moments each time.
Also it happens sometimes these few days, that suddenly all visuals, internal and external, become clearer. As if before you were looking from a dirty window, now you opened the window and everything became clearer. Again it lasts only 10-20 seconds maybe.

Sunday, May 2, 2021, 1:46 AM

The last 1-2 hours there is a kind of agitation or nervousness and scatteredness of mind and hopelessness, that has become pervasive, that I don’t know what to do and I feel uncomfortable with my current experience, and uncomfortable inside my skin. Some tension has arisen in the abdomen and legs. In the last hour there is a constriction/discomfort in the throat, with discomfort in the chest/trachea and around the heart. It feels more emotional than energetic, or maybe both are related. Some energetics around the base of spine, with pain in the left lower arm, and vibrations at the top of the head.
I just switch between activities, mostly on screen, that don’t satisfy, and make me upset that I am wasting my time. There is stronger urge to consume things that could give some satisfaction, I ate an orange, little bit of satisfaction from it.
These color statics in the murk move and flicker more rapidly. I think its rate is above 10.

3:25 AM
Informally doing some slow noting of see hear feel, and noticing impermanence.
The intensity of these unpleasant emotions has increased. The feeling is that I just want to go to bed and hide there. Now in the last 30-40 minutes, energetics are becoming more active and intense. There is flickering of light in the visual field with eyes open and closed. Also some faint lights and shadows vibrating, and some bright. black and jewel tone dots flashing for a few moments. A mildly pleasant coolness spreads to most of the body. Once with the eyes open it looked like the central part of the visual field moved to the left, as if something pulled it.

6:31 AM
The unpleasantness had become too much. Did a sit. There were usual lights and energetics and vibrations etc. Later part of it sleepiness arose, and there were lots of visual thinking. Seeing images of things happening and thinking that they are actually happening now and thinking what to do next, and at the same time being slightly aware in the background that these are just thoughts. The unpleasantness has decreased somewhat, but let’s see what will come next. There was strong pain in the sacrum, and now there is itches there moving in place. Limbs feel cold again with some numbness and tension, also abdomen is tense.
-- Edit:
This thing happens sometimes when there is some relaxation in my legs. In this sit it was much clearer for some time, that it felt that the lower body is not part of me, and it had no difference with the blanket and other stuff there, although I felt its sensations clearly. The part of the body that looked and felt to be "my body" and me, was only a smaller part between the head and abdomen.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, May 3, 2021, 12:37 AM

Practiced in bed for a few hours, then a long sleep. Like last days, dreams of family members. There is less unpleasantness after waking up, although there is some tension in the abdomen and legs, but not too much. Still feeling of numbness in the left side of the left hand. There are faint lights and shadows in the vision, and the bright violet/blue/gray lights and colors expanding and contracting. There is a quiet sadness.

1:37 AM
The sadness has become more quiet. Stillness in the sensations. Some vibrations/tingles on the head. Some energetics in the spine and legs.

3:52 AM
Agony and misery. Although I’ve slept long and there is no sleepiness, but there is the urge to go to bed, to get away from everything. I need to work, but I feel not-capable of doing that, so both going to bed and not going to bed feel disappointing.
Doing informal practice, investigating which part of the current experience—body, mind, sights, sounds, space…— feels miserable, and which part of those sensations feel miserable, their beginnings, ends, or.., or the ones that just passed, or the ones that are arising, etc.

1:06 PM
Couldn’t work, so decided to practice instead of wallowing in despair. Investigated change and no-thing-ness for some hours. 2-3 Times the energy current moved to the solar plexus and it felt that the tension there opened. Although the tension is still there, but that was how it felt. That tension has been there since 7-8 years ago (at least) AFAIK.
The experience has been less unpleasant since I started practicing.

Tuesday, May 4, 2021, 4:09 AM

Went to bed in the afternoon. Limbs had become very cold. Practiced in bed for a while. There was jaw clenching I guess. Tension inside the head, and pain in the neck (I guess that’s responsible for the numbness, the tensions there). It seems that these few days I have those dreams that have vast open spaces in them, but I don’t remember them. Often during practice I get a vague impression of them. Just before waking up had an unpleasant dream with old roommates and friends, also I felt hungry in the dreams and were looking for food, because again I have aversion to eating in these few days, so I was actually hungry. After waking up, it has been mostly neutral/ordinary. Some tension in the abdomen and legs. It feels that the abdomen is tired. There was a rise of sexual energy for a short period. High mindfulness before sleep. Now more ordinary. Pain on and around the heart after the activation of energy during the practice. Energetics movements on the knees, before and after the sleep. Intense painful energy rise from the genitals when in bed, with that tickling flavor.

9:27 AM
Last few hours it has been emotionally neutral mostly. Higher clarity in the sensations with openness, inclusiveness and stillness. Less tension in the body. Some flickering of lights with faint swaths of lights and shadows, with subtle vibrations in the visual field, and arising of violet/blue lights. Some energetic activity, mostly in the legs and base of spine, not harsh, more like slow waves of vibrations.
Sleepiness has arisen, though without that soreness in the muscles! I don’t feel I have the energy for things that I need to do, working, shopping, cooking. I guess I’ll sleep. I even don’t feel the energy needed to go to bathroom then to bed.
Frequently there is movements of a little gray shadow sensation in the visual field, that it seems a fly or mosquito just flew away.
Sadness and disenchantment has arisen.
It feels that the core of the body, chest abdomen pelvis arm legs, the inner most part of all, wants to spit out something and get rid of it.

Wednesday, May 5, 2021, 12:52 AM

Didn’t do much formal practice before sleep, but practiced for a few hours in bed. Lots of intense energetics, some new locations having pain or vibrations. The energy current, its pain, and the vibrations have started to spread/penetrate into the pelvis, abdomen and solar plexus and heart, and that’s very good, although uncomfortable. Body-mind gets the training to have intense pain, but stay still, have equanimity, and not do anything about it. Once I got up to go to bathroom, before that there was burning in my left earlobe with feeling of heat and numbness in the left side of the face and head, after getting up I noticed it’s gone, and when I returned to bed, I noticed the body feels more comfortable and pleasant, and the breath in the nostrils feels mildly cool and pleasant, with mildly pleasant tingles in the hands and feet.
After waking up some of the discomforts are not present, but that quiet sadness and disenchantment is there with mild discomfort in the throat, upper chest and around the heart, and another thing that fuels it is the discomfort in the eyes. They have been uncomfortable for some weeks now, but last few days they were very uncomfortable, pain and watering, that regularly I have to keep them closed because the light causes pain. They’ve always had problem with light. I already have problem with working, and the pain in the neck and eyes makes it worse.

5:06 AM
The movements and vibrations of these faint lights and shadows with the eyes open has been consistently noticeable since last morning.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, May 5, 2021, 10:40 PM

No formal practice before bed. Few hours of practice in bed. Intense painful energetic. A few were of a new kind so they made the body move, but I could stay still with other ones. Toes were moving for hours because of the energy. I was focused on the mental image space, that at some point there was a clear recognition that all of the boundaries between places and people’s houses are just like transparent images and light show, and there is no boundaries. Then it expanded to the perception of people’s minds and lack of boundary between them, but it wasn’t that clear. Then there was an increase of clarity and sleepiness was gone completely. It took 6-7 hours to fall asleep, that made the body quite exhausted. For some hours mental images were very clear, that they were close to external sights. After waking up, that deep sadness is there. The vibrating faint lights and shadows in the visual field are there. There were jewel-tone bright dots and blobs of color while in bed, in different colors.
The eyes are still pretty uncomfortable. And these bright lights that appear in the vision, seem to cause discomfort for them too. I hope these energetics don’t affect these eyes because they can’t tolerate much discomfort, although I’ve noticed few different kinds of discomfort in them related to energy, like itching, burning, or coldness as if there is wind inside them. Today there is pain in their bones after the energetics in the morning.

Last few hours the violet lights have been present consistently and they are clearer. If I try to describe it, when I close the eyes, at first a circular area appears in the center, that it has a dim white color, with not clear edges, that flickers, maybe 3-4 pulse in a second, that while flickering it starts to shrink, and as it shrinks, the space that it had occupied, fills with flickering violet light. With similar pattern, the violet lights shrinks to a smaller size while it’s flickering, and a dark-gray or black color fills its space, then the black space shrinks while flickering and gets replaced by another violet, and similar pattern is going on in the periphery too, but their shape is less defined and this show continues for a short or long time. Often there is some white lights too, as a border around the violet, or violet is a border around the white or around the black. It’s the same with the eyes open too, though with the eyes open, since the background it bright, most of it is faint and transparent, and the part of the violet/blue, black and white that are stronger and more solid is seen more clearly, and the whole space in front of the eyes, 1-3 feet width (sometimes larger), flickers. The brightest part of the violet or white light is not pixelated like most of the content in the murk. It’s more like coal or alcohol flame that is flickering and expanding and contracting at the same time. Sometimes there is purple mixed in too, but most times it’s violet and/or blue. Sometimes (like now) a pale green is mixed with it too, or a golden yellow.

Thursday, May 6, 2021, 5:20 AM

The experience has been quite unpleasant all this night. Sadness and disenchantment were predominant, with guilt and shame related to work, with discomfort in the throat and around the heart.
In  the last hour, the flickering in the visual field has been more obvious. There was some energetic activation, in different parts of the body and a brief orgasm-like feeling. There is purple color added to the violet light show.

7:47 AM
A sit focused on the change and no-thing-ness mainly in the visuals. There were energetics, but only few of them were painful. Movements of color statics became much faster. Almost no subtle or gross distractions for a good portion of the sit. There is a reduction in the unpleasantness of emotions. There was more purple in the murk, also a few times red appeared for a moment. I almost never have red in the murk.

9:37 AM
Another sit with the same technique applied to the whole field of experience. I tried to apply it to the core processes as Daniel calls it, to the intentions, effort, aversions/attractions, subtle emotions etc. Energetic were more intense. A painful one in the sacrum was getting more intense, so I intended for it to turn into tingles, it didn’t turn into tingles but it went away. Applied this to a few other pains and it reduced their intensity.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Friday, May 7, 2021, 2:10 AM

The eyes are still pretty uncomfortable. I’m sitting in the dark room with the eyes closed most of the time. Previously when having this problem, it would get better after 2-3 days of less exposure to light, but this time it takes longer. I’ve been watching sky and clouds every day for some weeks, and now I have to pay the price. At least I made some food, since the frustration of not eating well in the last days took over.

5:49 AM
Two sits focused on noticing change and no-thing-ness mainly in the core processes, in a very slow and gentle way.

11:48 AM
Went to bed in the morning. Did some practice there, noticed the tension increases and energetics becomes more painful and intense. The point in the back of the head was like it’s on a nail. So I relaxed attention, tried to not apply any control on attention, and just let the awareness be aware of whatever that it wants to be aware of. It decided to be aware of the whole body while spreading out from the abdomen, and the space around the body. Attention relaxed more, so did the body, and all energetics were gone. That led me to this guess that the tension between attention and awareness creates tension in the energy body. It went on like that for a while, but then attention became more restless, and tensions started increasing. Stayed there for some time, but there was no sleepiness, and tension became more and more. I spent maybe 1-2 hours just trying to keep the body relaxed for very short periods, but after relaxing one part, tension arose in another part. Especially there is more tension in the head. No wonder that there has been numbness, headache, neck and eyes pain, the neck and head are so tense. After losing hope of falling asleep, I got up. An urge for music arose, listened to a few, awe and enjoyment. Again it felt that it’s unbearable, the music tears apart the being. Body moved with it for some minutes in a ecstatic dance. Quiet mind, tense and painful body, and tender heart with joyful music, what a mix! Another thing that happened in bed was that I remembered a few jokes and funny things, and it caused laughter for some minutes, spontaneous laughter that didn’t leave me any chance for control. It had happened yesterday in bed too, but that was brief. And once more it had happened last night.
Also I noticed that focusing on the color statics especially with the eyes closed causes discomfort for the eyes, still not sure about the why and how of it.
I notice some confidence returning. Oh dear nature, bring some comfort too so I can get some things done!

1:04 PM
The tenderness and joy of music are gone. Tension has decreased. Feeling neutral, with some fatigue and sleepiness in the body, but no dullness in the mind.

Saturday, May 8, 2021, 3:03 AM

Thank whatever, I could sleep. Had some tough dreams. One of them, something had happened and I was in hospital, accident or illness, don’t know, it was a hospital near our previous office that I’ve worked and lived there for some years, so it was like they knew me and gave extra care. One scene they were taking my blood, tons of blood, another I had something like oxygen mask, then they came and said that now they’ll stick the needles, for whatever reason they had to stick big needles to my tongue, and the tips of all my fingers and toes that were connected to tubes going into a machine. They were rubbing alcohol to my left toes, and said that I should stay there for some days, at that moment I thought: ..ok, this is a controlled torture, can you handle its pain and not move? Well, you better do that.. .
In another scene something was revealed to my family about me (don’t know by myself or not) that they were shocked and upset. There were open space and flying dreams too but I don’t remember them.
I guess there was a sword in a dream, but I don’t remember more. I wish I had a sword now with some bamboos to cut.

7:40 AM
The eyes are still uncomfortable, but they feel better than yesterday. That brief confidence that yesterday arose, was not available after waking up. The predominant mind-state has been hopelessness and frustration. I usually have motivation and hope for practice, but now I don’t have that one too, although I am starting to do a sit now. It feels very difficult to go for grocery shopping.

9:45 AM
Did a sit without any agenda. Much fewer energetics than usual. Body got some relaxation. Toward the end tension energetics started arising and, but I just ended it.
I needed to do grocery shopping but it felt impossible to go out. I checked to see if there is enough at house for today, and saw that yeah it can wait until tomorrow morning. But then I thought, what will happen if I just go out? Immediately there was a brief relief, as if before there was a fear of what will happen if I go out, and asking this question revealed than nothing bad will happen. Although the previous feeling came back again, but the question started playing itself in the mind, and it shrank the fear.

11:34 AM
I went out and didn’t die. And when came back, the house is still here! Although that might be an actual fear. Because I notice that in similar situations, the long term thinking goes away, and that might be because there is no hope for living longer. I had not noticed this before.
While coming back, I noticed anger has arisen. Anger at myself, although with it was a compassion toward myself too, that there is no place for beating up myself. The anger was saying that, you could use more of the opportunities of this life, and the other voice said, yeah whatever.
It seems that there was a shift toward the end of the sit, because tension, numbness and jerkiness have increased, also the energy I guess.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, May 8, 2021, 2:16 PM

That energetic pain in the fingers has arisen again, it has a crushing flavor. Lights were flickering in the visual field, but now they seem gone. Some minutes ago he noticed increased clarity in the sights, then a discomfort around the heart arose, and then vibrations started at the back of that head. Those vibrations/tingles moved to the top of his head.

5:17 PM
There has been disenchantment predominant for some hours.
The flickering lights in the vision keep coming and going. Same with the vibrations in the back and top of the head.
Did a sit with no intention about the technique. Very few energetics. Strong sleepiness and distorted perceptions in the later part.
A few of the energetics at the sacrum and other locations felt cold, like in touch with ice or cold water, which might be a state/stage thing, but I don’t know more yet.
For some days there was a strong urge to practice, that I tried to keep mindfulness most of the time. This past day I haven’t had that urge, although there is mindfulness that I don’t get lots in thoughts.

Sunday, May 9, 2021, 12:32 AM

Watched a few videos from John Bradshaw Homecoming series (Thanks to George for mentioning him). I liked it. It led to lots of reflection, laughter, cry, grieving, sobbing and etc. The abdomen felt very tense and painful, but a bit lighter later. There was a release of sexual energy after that. I was thinking that my problem with working from home probably is related to the neglects of childhoods from my parents, and listening to this made it clearer. I have two guesses, one that I’ve lost the roles that would provide reward satisfaction, like being the one at work that solves problems, or being the one that supports his family, but they all have become so routine that I don’t derive satisfaction from it. But since I haven’t learned to care for myself and go after my own needs, when other people don’t have urgent needs, I stop doing the things that I would do before. The other guess is that, I continue not working, so that finally someone gets upset and says something, or that someone gets curious or caring, and asks something, that what the hell is going on with you boy? So that finally someone recognizes and respects my pain. It’s a way of getting attention in a torturous way.

Also it occurred to me that, the same way that tending to repressed emotions brings tension in the body, also relaxing the tensions in meditation releases the emotions that have created those tensions in the first place. And probably it’s the case that there is a mapping between different parts of the body and different kinds of emotions, so relaxing tensions in the legs may bring one set of emotions, and releasing tensions in the shoulders and neck may bring a different set of emotions. There was a sense of relief, that at least for now I don’t care what anyone feels about whatever I do or don’t. Beings are countless, let’s … them all. Replace it with bow or whatever your crazy mind wants.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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That makes a lot of sense. Being made to work for your parents as a kid could mean that working from home is associated with not having your own needs taken care of. And then yeah not working would be your way of getting the attention and "care" that you need!
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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George S
That makes a lot of sense. Being made to work for your parents as a kid could mean that working from home is associated with not having your own needs taken care of. And then yeah not working would be your way of getting the attention and "care" that you need!



Hey George,
Working at office brings a structure with it, you go out every day, you come home, you visit people, etc. So it becomes habitual more easily, and you don't get to question why I have to work..., at least for me. But when working at home, there isn't that structure in place, and there is a question mark in front of every thing, so the core issues come up more easily. When going to office, I'd shave hy beard, probably to look certain way to people, but now I don't do that, since I haven't learned and internalized to do it to just feel good. Because feeling good and enjoying things for myself always have been out of the picture. So it spreads to every thing, and cripples the life.
 
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Sunday, May 9, 2021, 4:53 PM

Last night I went to bed with less worry and guilt, and since I was awake for over 20 hours, I fell asleep quickly and slept well. There was a dream, that I was in somewhere like a military camp that I had to stay there, but I didn’t know the people or its rules, so it seemed that I tried to establish some boundaries and gain some authority, because I did some martial arts movements to scare a few people and said things to some others with a strong tone to put them in their places, and it seemed that it worked (This reminds me of my middle school, that was a boarding school in another town, and that was one of the things that I did their to protect myself, I had noticed that I have two choices here, be a sheep or a wolf, and I went toward the second one).
Woke up once in the morning, and after returning to bed, I noticed that I am breathing easily and without much or any tension in the abdomen. It was somewhat shocking, because in the last 7-8 years, I really don’t remember much or any time to have a relaxed breathing. Always there was this tension in the abdomen. Had several hours of sleep after that, and when waking up, I noticed that still abdomen feels better. And since then, there isn’t much tension there.
Previously I thought that this tension is related to fear, but yesterday when listening to talks I noticed that it’s related to sadness. When a strong sadness arises, I tense the abdomen automatically, or when sobbing, the most tense place in the body is the abdomen. Listening to the rest of the videos from Bradshaw, which bring lots of grief and sobbing and such.
A colleague-friend has been working with a therapist, an old woman that doesn’t do it for money it seems, and he encouraged me to contact her and work with her, since its fee is not much, but she first does some initial work with you to see if she wants to continue it or not. I guess I’ll try it next month.

7:49 PM
Once I noticed in bed after waking up, that different thoughts arose worrying about different things, something like what if this happens, what if that happens, but there was another thread of thoughts that replied to all of them: ..Don’t worry, I am here, I am here, I am with you, doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I am with you.. . Pretty much like a kid is talking with a caring adult. There was sense of relief, confidence and freedom in it.

Today I didn’t need any shopping, but a restlessness arose to just go out and take a walk. Although the body feels very tired (I guess because of the release, and there is mild sleepiness), but I went and it was good. It felt more comfortable to walk with a less tense abdomen.
The last 2-3 hours there is a mild feeling of sadness maybe, its flavor is less clear. It seems that it’s different from the grief I had while listening to talks.

9:01 PM
Sleepiness and tiredness becomes more predominant with some soreness (I had a good/long sleep today). Some purple/violet lights keep coming and going, with flickering lights (The flickering and pixelation happens more with the right eye, maybe because it has more problems, I don’t know.). Mild sadness and hopelessness. Pain has arisen in the neck with tension inside the head. It seems some energetics start spreading from the neck down toward shoulder blades.
On the phone I told my mother that I’ll care less about how and what you and every one else feels and thinks, and she said:..very good, do it, if anyone gets upset, they’ll drink some water, it’s not your problem.. . I was expecting her to say that, but hearing it gives some comfort.

Energetics have become active in the last 10-15 minutes.
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Monday, May 10, 2021, 2:27 AM

The sleepiness became very intense for some time, then gradually decreased, now it’s mostly gone. There has been tension in the legs with different degrees of intensity. Some energetics arose, there were new pains and small energy currents in some new places, but then it decreased. Listened to a few of Bradshaw’s talks, and did 1-2 of the guided meditations in it. The one titled Homecoming led to sobbing for most of that 9 minutes. The sadness has decreased. There is increasing and decreasing tension in the abdomen, although in overall it’s less tense.
I did a few other short meditations following his instructions about redoing some past memories of bad behaviors that I feel guilty about, also a few that I had been embarrassed without doing anything wrong.

4:14 AM
Did a sit focused on the body, breath and space in a gentle way. Strong sleepiness arose quickly that made the rest of the sit like a nap. There were some energetics, some intense pains in new locations. There were some creepy-scary faces in the murk, not very clear though. Most of them were images of addicts with strange faces or bodies. Last night after going to bed I had a few creepy-scary faces too, they were mostly a mix of human and animal faces.

11:37 PM
There was a dream in the morning with the family that I was very angry in it. One of those imaginal situations that would never happen outside a dream. My younger nephew had a health issue in his early years that took some years to find the root cause. In the dream he was around 4-5 and my father suggested to give him “a strong painkiller”, to comfort him, and that made me very angry. I started yelling at him as loud as I could that how dare you want to give that to him, he is just a kid.. . It was interesting that my brother that doesn’t have a good relationship with my father, in the dream tried to defend him and said that he didn’t say anything that bad, why are you angry. But I was burning in rage, and when my father wanted to explain, I yelled more, and at that moment this thought came that, this could end a relationship, but I thought I don’t care, I won’t let that happen to a kid. Then I took my nephew into my arms, and he kissed my chicks, then my forehead, and I asked him to do it with his grandfather too, and he kissed my father’s chicks, then the strangest thing happened, that my brother told my nephew to kiss my father’s forehead! All of it was symbolic.
One interesting thing is that with dreams that are about fear and there is screaming in it, I use my actual voice it seems because I hear myself when waking up, or even with laughter, but it seems that it doesn’t happen with anger.

I woke up with this dream, but before going back to bed, there was a sudden arising of sexual energy that made me stay awake for some time. Then I went back to sleep and was in bed for 10 hours maybe.

Tuesday, May 11, 2021, 12:46 AM

The day before yesterday I talked with my colleague that was saying how the therapy helps him and it doesn’t hurt to try it. He is usually the one that gets my work reports, and the current task that I had, I had to finish it last Friday, but I’ve only done a little bit of it. My usual answer would be something like :.. sorry I wasn’t able to work, I’ll finish it in x days blah blah.. , because that part of me gets frightened and guilty. But tonight I told: ..I don’t know, we will see what happens and I can’t tell you how I’ll do.. . I don’t feel okay, but there is a relief in not getting that much frightened and guilty.

Listening to Bradshaw, this thought came that I need to buy my little self some of the things that I would dream to have. I always loved writing, so as a kid I would dream to have more pens and pencils and notebooks. I used to stand in front of the stores and watch the pens. I guess that’s why I always love buying pens, I buy a lot of it but it doesn’t satisfy. I also dreamed to have a pencil case as a kid. Other kids had it but I didn’t, and it always looked magical to me. I thought that there are hidden places inside it with wonderful things. I guess it was in high school or after that that I finally bought one, but it wasn’t magical anymore, at that time musical instruments were magical. Of course later that happened with instruments too, that I bought many different instruments, albeit cheap ones. I wonder when it will happen with cars and bicycles and swords! Although I bought a bicycle once when I was 26-27, and tried to learn riding it, and learned it to some extent, but then later I made a mistake and gave it to someone’s kid.

A few hours ago there was a sudden increase in the flickering and movements in the visual field and those violet lights arose, but became very bright and white and golden for a while. Energetics were absent tonight, but they arose in the last few minutes.
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Tuesday, May 11, 2021, 3:30 AM

The last two days that I’ve listened to Bradshaw and there was some light in the darkness and some emotional releases, there was a sense of relief and freedom, but today that isn’t available, especially after the exchange with my colleague, as if it’s like the pattern still operates and why shouldn’t it operate. If you had a hope that you have some new understanding that will bring improvement, but as always, that hope will leave you too, that’s the pattern. That relief will leave you and let you be alone on yourself again.
Sadness and hopelessness and loneliness are predominant that cause lack of energy and strength in the body.

4:14 AM
Did a short guided practice with Bradshaw, that I took a painful scene from childhood of being alone and worked with it, all of it was crying. Feeling a tiny bit lighter after that. But this thought comes to mind again and again, as if this crying is wrong, that shouldn’t happen, that something is wrong with me. But if there isn’t grief, how could you cry! Fuck this system that its main moving force is blame, shame and guilt.

5:41 AM
Lots of tension in the legs and feet, as if I am sitting on the tensions, the moment I relax them it’s like I am about to fall and lose balance, so it tenses again immediately.

7:28 AM
There was increase of tension in the abdomen and legs. I gave a little knife massage to the abdomen. A few minutes later some vibration arose in the left part of the body and energetics in the right shoulder blade. Later there was numbness and lack of strength in the arms and legs. A memory came to mind of childhood neglects, and I brought other memories to mind and expressed anger out loud to my parents, to my father for the neglects, and to both of them for putting blames on me, and making me feel guilty about who I am, and seeing my strengths as weakness or wrong things. Anger intensified and I used my hands to express it on physical objects, and I noticed that the abdomen tenses up more as I feel angry.
I don’t blame them, but it seems that I need to explore and express this anger.

8:21 AM
There was an increase of numbness and weakness in the arms and legs, but it seems it has decreased, but tension has increased and there is shakiness in the arms and legs. The anger mixed with sadness has stayed which is quite noticeable in the face, also in the throat and around the heart. Energetics have started moving at the base of spine and legs.
There are brief pains, tensions, vibrations in the head and face with movements in the lips.

10:04 AM
The anger seems to be gone with numbness and feelings in the face. I did two of Bradshaw’s meditations, one that was about remembering an old memory, nothing new came to me, but a minute later when I heard him say magnet, I remembered some early memories that I don’t know when was the last time that I had remembered them. I loved collecting magnets and marbles and looking through marbles, and I remembered some of that.

Wednesday, May 12, 2021, 7:55 AM

Had a long sleep yesterday, before sleeping there were more childhood memories that came up that I had not remembered for a long time. The things that I could create with paper at very young age that now I have no idea how I could do. Creating paper boats when I was around 5, and I tried to remember its instruction but I couldn’t. During the night I did some grief and anger work with Bradshaw’s videos, again lots of tears. After this last episode there was a sense of comfort and that main energy current started moving slowly at the base of spine, abdomen and knees, but the body feels very tired now. Also I remembered that I used to love tapestry weaving and I’d dream to buy one to work on it but I never could, and later I forgot. For some years we had a carpet at house that my mother with my sisters would work on it while my brother and me worked outside. And there would be times occasionally that at nights or other times that I didn’t have to work, I’d start working on it because I loved the carpet weaving itself, and I’d enjoy it (although most times the conditions were not ok). I remembered that, and it gave me a little interest and motivation to start working on my current tasks, not because of fear or guilt, but just out of interest and enjoyment, the thing that I’ve been longing for for some years now. Although that feeling is gone, but I guess I’m going to start to work a little bit, and go to bed if it becomes annoying.

The violet lights/colors arise frequently, and similar to the last day, they are very bright, different from their usual manifestation. These two days there is a little difference in the murk with eyes closed too. I don’t have the energy to describe it in details, but the white light is much brighter and there is higher color contrast. The movements are less chaotic, and the color statics look closer to a solid color.

As I was thinking to start working, I notice more fear and hopelessness arise, and it occurred to me now that this situation with work is pretty much like the situation I’d have with writing an essay in school. From the third grade in the elementary school we had a course to write an essay, and for the first few years I hated it. Although later I learned some tricks, but before that it was frightening. I wouldn’t know how to start, it would take quite a while to start, considering that we had to write in a language (Farsi) other than our mother tongue (Azeri). I’d never be satisfied with what I wrote. Then I’d be frightened that they’ll read it, and the worst thing was that, they may ask me to read it myself. Most times the main thing I’d do in the class was to pray that the teachers don’t ask me to read something or walk over to the blackboard. That’s why I learned most of the material myself, either before the teacher teach it or after it. I almost never learned it from the teacher.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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You're working with some deep powerful stuff here. All I can say is that if you can remain present with the core shame/guilt/anger long enough then it starts to run out of fuel.
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Thanks George for your support.
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Wednesday, May 12, 2021, 12:43 PM

It seems that I have less worry and guilt about others’ (family, colleagues) feelings. I usually feel myself responsible for such things. I remember that I used to feel guilty that my siblings were not as good as me in their studies in the school and later. It sounds silly, but it’s very real.

2:24 PM
The spell is broken. After 11-12 days, finally I started working and continued for 1-2 hours. Last few hours I felt better, and I noticed fear in it. Feeling okay brings fear because if I feel okay I have to be responsible, and that the energy and opportunity that was available now that made me be able to work, won’t be available the next time, so the better way is that I work now as much as I can because there is no next time. There may not be explicit thoughts with this content, but this is how it feels. I need to work on that and reframe it. I need to train myself that starting to work doesn’t mean leaving comfort and security forever, and if I had any comfort and security before that, I can have it later too. This is the abandonment and scarcity mind-set.

5:00 PM
Did a sit focusing on the body, with some resolutions in the beginning. There was/is tension in the face/jaw, legs and arm. Abdomen was relatively relaxed but now is tense. There were some energetics but then sleepiness arose and the rest of the sit was consumed by it. Mind was not collected. There are brief arising of emotion that is hard to know its flavor, but it seems to be fear/disappointment, that ..it won’t go well.., whatever that “it” would be.
There were jewel tone small blobs of color in the murk. Also black dots arise frequently, very bright/shiny and clear with a ring and halo around it.
The sensations show their stillness very slightly. There is an urge to learn a new skill. A week ago I started listening to the audio files of an english learning book again to improve my english, there is an urge to continue it. I wish to have some energy too.

7:02 PM
The unified mindfulness folks have their online immersion retreat start, and Shinzen started it by giving and introduction and a guided meditation on See Hear Feel. It was good to see hear Shinzen live. I practiced with his guidance. Some relaxation and clarity, then energetics movement along the spine and legs, then strong sleepiness.
There was impression of faces in the murk, similar to previous sit. Previous sit they seemed creepy, but this sit not. Let’s see if any dream is waiting for us in bed. I stayed awake to see Shinzen, glad that I did.
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Thursday, May 13, 2021, 3:23 PM

I had stayed awake longer so I had a long sleep. I tried to practice in bed, but it happened many times that I focused on something, and the next thing that happened was that I came out of sleep/dream and noticed that I was gone, then focused again and got lost in sleep again. At one point I noticed that I am laughing. Again I don’t remember what I was laughing at, but I was aware of the body in bed and heard myself laughing, but I couldn’t know if I was awake or sleep or had any dreams. Don’t remember the dreams yet.
Today I remembered some details about that paper boat that I used to make in childhood, but still not the full instruction. I remember that in later years of childhood I had forgotten some of its details, and I would try to make a boat but the outcome wouldn’t be good.
There was too much jaw clenching while in bed, that I was worried about breaking my teeth. I lost one of them some weeks ago that had endured too much pressure.
The moment I woke up I noticed some worry/guilt, but I said out loud: ..it’s none of your/anyone’s business, this is my life and I know what to do with it.. . It felt good. A few minutes later some laughter/smile arose for a few minutes without any specific content.
Today there is less tension in the legs and arms. Sometimes there is less tension in the abdomen, but then some worry/guilt arises and makes it tense, the worry/guilt goes away but the tension remains.

11:49 PM
There has been low energy and disenchantment for some hours. Then there was energetic activation, with fine-grained vibrations in the back part of the left side of the body. Since then the energetics arise for some minutes then they go away and come back again. Then sleepiness with soreness in the body. I did a sit, but it was consumed by sleepiness, I don’t remember its technique or any other thing from it. This intensity of sleepiness discomforts is not related to lack of sleep since I had a long sleep. It feels like my skin is a few sizes smaller than my body size.

Friday, May 14, 2021, 2:03 AM

The thing that was going on for a few weeks, that I practiced for hours each day with a sense of urgency, has not been there these few days. Also there has been less mindfulness and clarity. I don’t get lost in thoughts much, but there is a difference. The sleepiness was predominant, and I am going to bed, but it’s been some minutes that the sleepiness and soreness are gone.

4:39 AM
I was in bed and half asleep half awake, that I felt something like an earthquake, so I got up quickly. But now that I am checking, there wasn’t any earthquake tonight, and it should have been another of the energetics in the body!
All previous times that there was earthquake here, I was asleep and woke up by the earthquake!

6:27 PM
Had a good sleep. It seemed that practice went on for some time while in and out of sleep. Once I noticed that I am laughing, that continued for some minutes. Again I don’t remember anything about the subject, it was just laughing and being aware of the body.
Did a sit with Shinzen’s live guided Feel Flow meditation. A thought consumed part of the sit because I had doubt about doing something. Also the upstairs neighbors noises disturbed the practice, I noticed possibility of anger in the sit. Body-mind was very still for part of the sit, that the tension in the abdomen decreased and breath became subtler. After the sit the noises increased and the anger was quite noticeable, with mental images of going up there and kicking the neighbor’s door to break. I expressed its energy on the couch with my hands, while there was mental images of my father listening to news with loud volume while we had to sleep or study in the same room.
Today was a little more productive and I did laundry and cut my beard, but now there is zero energy and motivation to work. In the last 20-30 minutes the sleepiness discomforts have arisen again and are becoming more intense.

11:31 PM
Thank universe including myself, that I could work for some hours today and finish a task. One thing that I noticed that makes the experience of working unpleasant, was this self-criticism about having high performance during the work. I have always preferred my salary to be based on the number of hours that I work, so I become very obsessed about the times that are not productive or are spent for other activities during the work, and that leads to unrealistic expectations, and obsessive critiques. Like I was testing something, and I was waiting to see if a request will time out, and the time out was one minute, but thoughts/feelings arose that you are wasting the time that you are paid for. This is not something new and I’ve noticed this self-criticism for many years, but I guess I wasn’t quite aware of its destructive effect on my motivation to work.

The sleepiness discomforts have been present.
The mind-state seems to be mostly neutral. Almost no energetics most times. A relatively high degree of clarity in sensations. And occasionally bright white dots arise that are very clear and defined, that then turn into a black dot if I close my eyes.
After expressing the anger in the afternoon, it seems that there is less tension in the abdomen.
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Saturday, May 15, 2021, 1:28 AM

Right after writing previous update, the sleepiness discomforts became intense. Then the main energy current started moving at the base of spine, also in the abdomen 3 fingers width below the navel, and after 1-2 minutes, energetics and vibrations arose in different parts of the body with moderate intensity, and there were lots of vibrating and moving color statics, lights and shadows in the vision, like a somewhat transparent smoke fog. It was like that for 20-30 minutes I think, then their intensity decreased, but they have been present in a mild form since then.
Last few hours the baseline of the experience is equanimity. The difference with last days feels exactly like a heavy cloudy day with a sunny bright and cool day. Like there is enough space in the experience, that worries that arise, can dissolve into it easily and quickly.

Since yesterday sometimes there is a feeling in part of the body, that is like it’s in touch with cold water. Now it’s present in the right side of the chest.

2:33 AM
A very short sit focused on Feel Flow, I ended it to go to bed. I set an intention last night to go to bed before 3-4 AM each night, let’s see if I can do it for 3 nights. Unlike the afternoon sit, there were energetics. Once a very painful one arose at the center of both soles of feet and moved up. There was brief coolness. Also like last night, pleasant smells and scenes from childhood memories of the family village. Before ending an image arose in the murk for a fraction of a second, but it was so brief that it might have been just some bright lights.
There are energetic pains and itches in the abdomen and back, with vibrations in the legs and right shoulder blade.
I took a notebook and a pencil now to put a checked mark for last night and tonight about sleep hour, and the notebook and pencil are similar to those that I’d use in childhood, and it gives a pleasant feeling. I need to gather more of such things that have good feeling, and be in touch with them. Just looking at this sheet of paper with blue pencil on it makes me feel good.

3:44 PM
Last night there were sleepiness discomforts for most of the night, but before going to bed, sleepiness went away. In bed I practiced Feel Flow in a gentle way, but as time passed, alertness and clarity increased, and energetics and vibrations started spreading everywhere, with sexual feelings in the lower body, and these feelings and accompanying thoughts intensified. It took 2-3 hours to find some sleepiness and ride with it. I slept for two hours them woke up, and noticed it’s the same, with vibrations and sexual feelings. A strong urge arose to check some of my old books and notebooks, so I started digging there, I found some diaries that felt good to read them again. I picked some math books that once I had bought them to use for teaching math, and it was interesting how much of it I have forgotten, almost all of it. Visiting these old memories brought excitement and laughter. Before going back to bed, there was more increase of energy, so there was no chance for sleep, and I got up. There are intense feelings since then, with chills and vibrations in the body. It was wild.
Last few weeks for some days there were waves of vibrations after waking up for a few hours, now it’s like that. Any little emotion causes chills/vibrations to spread from a point in the back of the neck to the head and torso, also they arise in lower legs.
I like to study those math books again. In later years of high school that I got interested in math, I would take a paper sheet and write math on it with very small font, trying to fill every bit of space on the sheet. It would become an art work at the end. I like to do that.

5:56 PM
Did a sit with Shinzen’s live Feel Good guidance. I brought some images to mind of games that we would play in childhood or wooden toys that I used to make, it felt good, but the concentrations didn’t establish, and the mind was not collected.
Recurring thoughts arise that why am I writing this kind of reports, and then why am I sharing it, but I can’t find any good reason for not doing it.
​​​​​​​As usual, lots of self-critiques arise, that in one sense seem to be legitimate, but I need to remind myself that at this point, it doesn’t matter much if they are legitimate or not, what matters is that they are not helping me.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, May 15, 2021, 6:57 PM

Remembered it now. Last night in bed there were those feelings in the body that feels like the body is being pulled in different directions, or a force like a wind is pushing part of the body upward. Also that thing happened once that feels like the body just landed on the ground. I’ve been interested to see if that experience has any correlation with breathing and in which part of the breath cycle it happens. I caught this one, it was in the middle of the in-breath.
After those, the feelings in the lower body had this flavor for some minutes, that the outer part felt cold, like it’s inside cool water, and the inner part had tingly heat that felt like it’s coming from the inner most part. Not unpleasant, maybe slightly pleasant.

Sunday, May 16, 2021, 10:02 AM

I created another file to record my dreams there, so I don’t have to write them here, though I may include the important pieces here. Last night it seemed that awareness was present for some time after falling asleep. There was a dream, in its early parts there was movement. First I was in a bus. Then I was gliding very fast on the streets while enjoying it, and then I was running, then there was disappointment at someone that I thought they wasted my time. Then the scene became vast, with water filling it gradually, that I kept looking for a way to climb a wall or run to get out of it and not get drawn. Then I woke up,  and was clearly aware of the body and its image in bed, but the images of my room looked different. There were lights in the right side of the murk, as if there are car lights in that side. The murk looked bigger with lava-like colors and lights moving/dancing slowly in it. I spent 1-2 minutes thinking am I awake or not, because I was clearly aware of the breath, its sound and etc, but the room and its surrounding looked different. I didn’t open my eyes because I thought if I am asleep, that would bring me out of it. For a few minutes I focused on the body gently. Then I intended to go back to that dream with the awareness of the body. Some dream-like images showed up but the state didn’t change. Then I got bored and opened my eyes, and the images of the room gradually looked like its actual form, and the murk returned back to its usual size/form. I’d be interested to know if this state has a technical name.
There was maybe another instance that I woke up and was aware of the body, but maybe sleep or dream was still going on.
Before falling asleep, at one point there was mental images of the bathroom as if I was there watching a tiny insect that was moving, then in 1-2 seconds, those images transformed into the visuals in the murk, and that insect became a tiny oblong shaped dark spot that was moving, but it felt like it’s an insect that is moving. When I am tired or sleepy, this thing happens, that I see some hypnogogic scenes, like clouds, then it transforms into the colors and lights in the murk.

The body feels sleepy now with soreness! It may be because of aversion to working, since urges arise repeatedly to go to bed!

3:10 PM
I did a little cooking and cleaning that felt productive, but still no success in starting to work. As time passed, the fear/guilt about starting it or not starting it became more intense, that the moment I started thinking about working, there was this strong urge to run away and go to bed. I decided to focus on it for a few minutes, so I sat and said in the mind: ..What is it that makes me fear starting the work, and makes the experience of working unpleasant? Show yourself to me.. . And I focused on the body-mind-space. Many mental images arose of the past, maybe 30-40 scenes, of situations at work and other circumstances that I didn’t know what to do, or the current situation was unpleasant and I didn’t have any other options. They kept coming one after the other, but at some point they stopped, as if it ran out of its fuel. Then there was an energetic activation, that seemed that started from a point inside the left hip and spread to the left side of the body, also with sensations moving at the base of spine, and bright lights in the murk, and vibratory buzzing in the head with a release-like feeling in the face with itching in the nose, and orgasm-like feeling in the lower body, with coolness on the skin. That went on for 10-30 seconds, then there was an involuntary deep breath, then stillness in the body-mind, and still there wasn’t any new images from the past. Then I brought to mind a few times the intention to start working, and noticed that it didn’t cause that urgent fear.
There has been too much tension in the feet today.

5:40 PM
Did a sit with Shinzen’s live See Hear Feel guidance. This was the last day of their online retreat. There was intense restlessness in the whole body, now it has subsided a little bit. There was some childhood imagery, and some energetics at the base of spine and left leg. I guess I won’t run away into bed for now and will do some cooking instead.

9:00 PM
​​​​​​​Did another sit, after the cooking. Got relaxed, then sleepy. There is too much sleepiness, I’ll go to bed.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Monday, May 17, 2021, 10:52 AM

Last night before going to bed and after getting up for the first time, there was increase of energy and alertness with sexual feelings and urges, but I forced myself to stay in bed, and tune to the sleepy and relaxed part of the experience. For the first few hours, I don’t know if I was awake or asleep, awareness was present. There were very painful energetics. In the morning right before waking up there was another of those dreams with movement. I was in a bus that was also like a bicycle and I was sitting just behind the front wheel. It was moving over all kinds of obstacles, big and small, and with each one I anticipated to fall down, but it didn’t and I didn’t. It was a mixture of fear and enjoyment. The moment I woke up I set some intentions for today with some metta phrases, and started noting see hear feel, although I forgot it after some minutes. There were those waves of chills/vibrations in the body for 1-2 hours after getting up. Also tingles/vibrations in the upper back.
The body feels sleepy with soreness all over it, but the mind is alert.
I see signs of small changes in daily life. In the body-mind and life habits. It sometimes feels a little bit like how it was before the last 15 years, and that’s good.

12:58 PM
There are vibrations on the back of the head. Also frequently sexual feelings arise in the lower body. I shouldn’t pay much attention to them, because when focusing on these feelings, it brings intense emotions, that alters the daily routines.

3:45 PM
Today I was able to start working. Worked for less than an hour, then noticed an increase of energy and urge to do something, so I took that opportunity to go out and do grocery shopping. These days it seems that this is the only way to get things done. Sometimes there is a little window of opportunity, energy and motivation for doing things increases, but usually it lasts only less than a minutes, or just seconds, and I should grab it quickly and get up, if I don’t do that, God knows when I’ll have another opportunity. Felt okay before going out, but in the supermarket a guy was radiating negative energy and that made me very impatient. After that I noticed hearing people talking makes me angry. Another cause probably was that my account balance was near zero so I had to pick things carefully to not exceed my balance. Came back home quickly because with that kind of impatience, it’s not wise to be around people, it can get ugly. The anger has stayed since then.
I am trying to redirect the energy of this anger to coding. There are technical complexities in my current task, but a lot of times I can’t think clearly, ideas don’t come.

8:55 PM
I started working, and the mind had real difficulty thinking and figuring things out. It took a while to be able to start typing since I couldn’t know what to do or where to begin. Continued it for 5 hours which is the longest period I’ve worked in a day in recent weeks. I wanted to continue, but I see now that there is no more capacity left in the mind. Body became tired too. Occasionally there was brief periods of interest and motivation for some seconds.
There was an energetic activation with some pains and coolness for some seconds.
Since a few hours ago there are fine-grained vibrations in the back of the left arm and shoulder. It sometimes spreads to the other parts of the left-body.

Tuesday, May 18, 2021, 2:33 AM

Did a sit, it was mostly sleepy. Clear awareness was present only for a few seconds then getting lost in sleepiness, then another few seconds and so on. That heightened level of energy and sexual feelings seems to be gone. The energetics in the sit were mostly heat, itches and pains.
Found a piece of an old sufi book, that had instruction for a breathing technique, and focusing on the point between eyebrows, and the most interesting piece about kasina practice. To have a dark filled circle on a paper with a small white circle in its center, and focus on that white circle without blinking or thinking. 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Tuesday, May 18, 2021, 6:29 PM

It took an hour to be able to stay awake and get up today, with intense sleepiness discomforts in the body. They were mostly gone later. I think there were dreams of family and old friends, but I don’t remember. Less energetics compared to the last 3 days, but still they arise frequently, some painful, some sexual, with more uncomfortable ones in the head compared to before. Set intentions/wishes when getting up. Some mild dissatisfaction has been present, but the predominant mind-state has been ordinary-neutral-ness.

After getting up I started noting see hear feel, but I kept forgetting frequently, then it occurred to me that when choosing a practice technique, I should consider the patterns of movement in the desirable or undesirable qualities in the current experience, in terms of expansion/contraction. If the undesirable quality wants to expand, then I should employ a contractive technique, or if a desirable quality wants to expand, I should employ an expansive technique. For instance when I do see hear feel after waking up, usually I forget it quickly, because the mind is scattered and distracted, and that’s the undesirable quality, that wants to expand, so if I use an inclusive/expansive technique like see hear feel, it will help the undesirable quality to expand more, so I’ll forget, but a contractive technique like focusing on one or two narrow spots may work better at that time. Another instance, when an obsessive thought is stuck in the mind, this is a contractive undesirable quality, and the mind wants to shrink, so a contractive technique like focusing on a narrow spot may not help, and it may just move the mind from one contraction to another, but an expansive technique like see hear feel or being aware of space may work better and bring more balance, and let that obsessive thought expand and dissolve into the expansiveness of the cultivated experience by that technique.

Last 5 days I went to bed before 3-4 AM following that intention that I had, but now it gives me discomfort, because it sets a limit in the perception of time, and it makes it more uncomfortable to think about working. When the thoughts of working and this time limit, and the new deadline of my current task arise, it creates an itching-like pain in the core of the legs, and a discomfort in the upper body, with a sense of urgency and frustration and hopelessness, with an urge to run away. Let’s this time stare it in the eyes and start working. There is always time for failing, it doesn’t have to be this moment.

Wednesday, May 19, 2021, 3:04 PM

Last night I worked for two hours but then had a technical complexity and the mind stopped going forward. A deep sadness and despair arose with loss of energy and strength in the body. It was unpleasant, but at least I could go to bed before 3-4 AM. Maybe the intention for going to bed at that time was stronger and it played a trick, I don’t know. Did some practice after that but it was all sleepiness, although before going to bed sleepiness went away and energy and alertness increased with sexual urges. I forced myself to stay in bed. Today after waking up I started noting see hear feel, but then remembered the point I made above, so switched to noting body parts with is narrower. It led to higher mindfulness than previous days but still I forgot it frequently.
I wrote a time table for a day assuming if I sleep before 3-4 AM, and there can be enough time for acceptable amount of work and practice and sleep, if it’s not of those days that the sleep becomes much longer. Having this time table gives comfort, though I know that it will give great discomfort when I fail to follow it, which will happen, but even if I could do it for 30 percent of the days, it’s good. It reminded me of something that my mother used to say, that: ..you write programs for people, can’t you write one for yourself?.. .
One way for achieving it could be to simulate the situation of going to office, to assume that from time t1 to t2 it’s as though I am in the office, and I’ll be there no matter if I have good performance or not, and after t2, I am back home and don’t have to be concerned about working, because tomorrow is available.
More earth element is needed, structure, confidence, pride, nurture.

5:42 PM
These few days there are more distractions in the mind, and there isn’t much motivation to practice. Usually quickly after starting to pay attention, there is an increase in some positive qualities like clarity and collectedness or stillness, but that positive feedback loop is less available now.
As I am trying to start the work, I notice this unpleasantness increasing. The sense of urgency and fear and hopelessness and the need to run away. It becomes clearer where it happens in the body. It’s the face, throat, and the central part of the chest. When it becomes intense, it spreads to the whole body, as kind of a painful itchy sensation in the bones, specially in the legs. And a contracted image of the face is central to it.
Trying to simulate the situation of going to office, I noticed now that there is a key difference. When going to office, usually just arriving there and being there has a positive feeling, that I am at work now. But here, instead of that feeling, there is worry and guilt. I have to cultivate that feeling of being in the office.

7:03 PM
There is intensification of unpleasantness, so I decided to set a small goal (to do formal practice for 5 minutes) and do it to have the feeling of accomplishment. It went on for 30 minutes and some stillness and stability of attention got stablished. The thoughts of ongoing difficulties don’t leave much space for the positive feelings of the sit. The unpleasantness has spread to the legs.
The most painful part is that my financial situation has side effects to the family, and I can’t handle it well. They are happy to help, but I have difficulty to be on the receiving end.

————————————————————————————————————

Thursday, May 20, 2021, 11:05 AM

Last night I forced myself with all that I had to start the work, but 10-20 minutes later I felt that I can’t continue, so I wanted to lie down a little bit and maybe have some rest, but I pushed more and continued for 2 hours. I could move it a little bit forward that created some hope. It was interesting that I was getting an error and couldn’t understand it, but later remembered what was wrong, I had forgotten some of the very basic things. I couldn’t continue more and went to bed to have some rest but I fell asleep. There was some dreams related to work. In one of them, a team that was in out previous office, had some technical problem that I had a solution for it, and they asked for help and I agreed to do that. Then there was an important meeting that the head of a big company or maybe a bank was in that meeting to get a technical report of something, and I was on my way to that meeting but someone wasted my time, and there was lots of guilt that all those people in the meeting were waiting for me (A similar situation had happened in the past!). Also I had a dream of being in several bakeries to get some bread, since I didn’t have much energy and motivation to eat yesterday and I was hungry.

5:05 PM
I did a formal sit, chanting (whispering) some names (zikr), it made the body-mind still for a while, and I did that also off-cushion for some time. There was some kind of a different quality to this stillness or quietness, it was similar to the few instances that happened that I woke up from a dream and was aware of the body and the mental images of the body and its surrounding, and the color and lights in the murk, but it was like the thought-space is not much active unless I think a thought intentionally, I don’t know.

The day started easy, but later because of not being able to start the work, all kinds of frustrations arise. Although I’ve eaten enough today, but the body constantly feels hungry and in need to eat something, maybe it’s because of not eating enough yesterday. My arms and legs were shaking, now they are better.
Today the violet light has arisen again. In the last few days other than usual white and black dots, sometimes there is a blue or violet dot too that is a little bigger, that shows up for a second then disappears. Also there is another one which is very beautiful, it doesn’t stay long enough to detect its color clearly, but it looks red, green, orange, all of them and none of them.

9:36 PM
Forced myself to working, and continued it for 3 plus hours. It became easy for a few minutes, then there was strong urge to stop and go to bed, and I had to force with all that I had, then easier, then pushing again. A few times I imagined that I am at office and working there and it made it easier for a few minutes but the misery returned after that again.

​​​​​​​I created a separate file to write these reports with the intention to not share here, because I can’t find a good reason anymore to share here, but I guess I am not 100% sure, that’s why I am posting this one, to see that how I’ll feel about it tomorrow. These days it happens with a lot of things, I can’t find reasons for doing or not-doing things. Things just fall apart. It becomes hard to have preference sometimes.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Friday, May 21, 2021, 2:26 PM

I’ve started working, but the mind has difficulty thinking and figuring what to do. There is a deep sadness and loneliness. There was a dream that people accused me of supporting a politician, and in a scene he put his hand on my shoulder conveying that he supports what I had said, but I didn’t have any intention to support him and had nothing to do with him. I had just shared what I thought, but people had taken it as a political act and I was worried about the consequences.

5:56 PM
I remind myself repeatedly that I am working at the office, and that makes it possible to continue.  Other times when I reach a point that the mind can’t think well and I notice that I stop being productive, that causes me to stop working, because I don’t want to get paid for a time that is spent without any outcome, but that is unreasonable. At office that doesn’t cause me to go home, I just stay there and continue, and eventually the mind starts functioning again. This makes it a lot more easier, and also productive!

8:17 PM
I went to grocery shop and it was really painful. Why should it be that I don’t have money to even buy a bottle of milk. Why should I not earn more money. And why should the money be used for self-destructive things that bring only misery. I am tired of this. Tired. I can’t do it anymore.
I worked for over 5 hours today, and now I am starting it again. There should be an end to this misery.

9:21 PM
After I finished working, there was an intensification of pains and discomforts in the body. It was a good sign, but very uncomfortable, but I decided not to act. After about half an hour, it has subsided a little bit. And the violet/white light show has arisen.

10:06 PM
Today I worked for around 6 hours, and I stopped and let the rest of it be tomorrow, to have some rest and maybe practice, then go to bed. Now I notice a feeling of guilt for having rest, as if I don’t deserve it. I need to remind myself that I deserve to rest. That it should not be all or nothing. That work can wait sometimes. That rest can wait sometimes. Keeping the balance seems to be the most important thing.

In recent days sometimes it looks/feels like I am perceiving myself as another object in the room, like the rest of the objects, without having a change in the vantage point of the eyes. It’s subtle, but noticeable. Now that I was typing, it felt like …there is a living thing here, like an animal has entered the house!.. . And sometimes the self-story became distant, like the things that are happening, are not mine or related to me, they just happens, and part of it is uncomfortable of course.

10:43 PM
I decided to not stop sharing here, at least for now. Although I don’t have much motivation to share, but I guess it’s good to continue putting my shit out there in the open. It doesn’t matter much if anyone reads it or not, but there should be some place other than my little dark corner, to share this shit publicly. I guess my mind plays tricks to hide. There will be changes, and that’s good.
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1775 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
It seems that there is an important nexus here involving work, money, self-destructive habits and feelings of guilt about taking care of yourself. I’m guessing that it’s deeply related to the fact that you had to work as a child to earn money to pay for your father’s habit (looking after him when it was you who needed looking after). Working from home probably intensifies this dynamic. Since you have recently been doing some deep inner child/toxic shame/guilt work, it’s very normal for the driving issues to show up even more forcefully than they did before. This is a sign that you have arrived at the crux of the matter! The pain and discomfort probably feel bottomless, but from what you’ve shared of your history I’m guessing that it doesn’t go much deeper than this for you. There also seems to be a slight tendency to dissociate, which is also very normal with core emotional trauma stuff. Irene Lyon has some good videos on youtube for working with core trauma and how to stay present in the body. I would recommend checking them out if you haven’t already, starting with this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KlV1zD5asw

https://irenelyon.com/2017/09/14/toxic-shame-creates-fallout-call-depression/
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Maybe it's related to that, I don't know.
Maybe it's part of "I do to myself what you did to me", but I don't know.

Yes, I've written her name to check it later. Thanks.
 
George S, modified 29 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1775 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
It’s interesting how she defines “trauma” - not by the severity of the external circumstances but by the intensity of the internal reaction. She makes the point that some people can survive very traumatic events relatively unscathed (due to their healthy early conditioning) whereas other people can be heavily traumatized by fairly benign seeming forms of emotional neglect or social marginalization (if primary caregivers were unable to provide them secure attachments). Such people often feel guilty about accepting that they were traumatized at all, especially as they would not have been old enough to remember the early neglect. It’s common for them to rationalize it - ‘my parents had it worse than me’ or ‘plenty of other people had it worse’ or ‘times were tough, my parents did the best they could’. Such statements may technically be true, but buying into them just continues the pattern of minimizing/repressing the trauma and compounding the feelings of guilt and shame (‘I didn’t have it that bad and yet I still can’t cope, what’s wrong with me?’) But the body doesn't lie - if the symptoms are there then the traumatization was there in one form or another.

Please let me know if this is not helpful or if I’m going too far.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 I don't know.
At the moment many ideas come to my mind but they are not organized, so I better not throw them here.
I'll write about it if I could listen to her in the next days.
 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, May 22, 2021, 1:57 PM

I could follow the sleep routine and slept well. At one point I woke up and noticed I am laughing. There has been relatively positive mind-state today. I had a chat with my colleague about this work situation. He offered several suggestions, but none of them was possible for me to do. At the end he asked can you work 28 hours a week, and how you would want to divide it in 7 days, and I chose to work from Saturday to Wednesday and have the weekends for rest. It felt a bit like a child talking to an adult, or a student to a teacher, for the first time in a long time. I let him, because recently I notice that he recognizes the problem and respects it, and that’s the thing that I’ve never seen from anyone around me (Although recently my family have better understanding of the situation.). And he does it with care and kindness, which makes me have less defense.

The eyes have been very uncomfortable today, and I noticed again that when the mind is engaged with thoughts related to this work situation, it makes them more uncomfortable!
Some minutes ago the violet lights arose and filled the whole space in front of the body with high brightness and flickering and went away after about 10 minutes.
I don’t remember if I did formal practice yesterday, but in bed I did some.

3:12 PM
I’ve been thinking about why is it that being at office has a positive feeling, but at home it’s lacking. I think with office, I consider my main responsibility to just arrive there and be there, and after that I don’t have much responsibility and things just flow and as a result I have a good performance and there is enough technical confidence to not worry about that part much. But at home, the notion of responsibility is totally different, that for each moment of it, I am responsible for the technical part, for my financial situation, my family’s financial situation, things that happened in the last months or may happen in the next months, hmmm. It’s like you are trying to run, but you are tied with a rope that ’s pulling you back with a force close to your strength, or stronger than that.

10:08 PM
I worked for 6 hours today. It was productive. Although in general the mind-state was more positive today, but I think a key factor that made the difference, was imagining that I am working at office, that each time that there was an urge to stop (which happened tens of times), I reminded myself that you are working at the office, you wouldn’t stop and go home then. Also the exchange with my colleague gave a sense of security/relief. Similar to yesterday, typing was enjoyable for the most part. In the last 2-3 hours I notice that frequently there is a deep feeling of hopelessness, that stays for some minutes and goes away until the next occurrence, but I better focus on the more positive qualities of the day. A sense of confidence was established after getting some output.
The violet lights have been present, and sometimes it becomes intense.

10:56 PM
Last night there were some energetic pains that were relatively intense, now they arise again. Some minutes ago something like throbbing arose in the nose, that was intense and felt like a force inside it is moving up, or moving the nose up, and passed away after 10-30 seconds.

Sunday, May 23, 2021, 12:29 AM

The body has become very tired and sleepy with a lot of pain. Usually the intensification of violet lights and sleepiness discomforts occur together, so they might be related to each other. It’s interesting that I don’t have much urge to practice, although I do some informal practice, but I forget the whole thing frequently. I guess it’s not bad, that one is needed too. Yesterday and today sometimes the sensations at the base of spine start moving and beating. It causes some effects in the face. The mind-state is calm and neutral.

1:49 AM
I did a sit using an instruction that this english man gave in the GV podcast as a description for shiné, that sit comfortably, and whenever you catch yourself thinking, let go. There wasn’t much distractions or much collectedness. After some time, I focused more closely on the body. There were energetic itches and pains.
The sleepiness discomforts had become very intense before the sit, now their intensity has decreased a little bit.
A few times there was a subtle sense of comfort/confidence and hope for possibilities. This often happens if there was enjoyment with the coding, and satisfaction about the work of the day. Also there was brief occurrences of despair.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Sunday, May 23, 2021, 4:06 PM

Last two days after waking up there were whole body waves of vibrations like goosebumps for 1-2 hours. Today I don’t remember having it. There were some family dreams that I was angry and upset at what my father said about making tea, which was a behavior that happens most days in my parents house. Tea is a big problem there! Then there was a dream with one of my cousins, that in the middle school, in my last year he came to that school too, so he had my protection there. I haven’t seen him for over 20 years, so he was young in the dream, and I protected him from a few guys that wanted to bully him, and he became very emotional and hugged me. Another dream that I try to protect a child!

The violet lights have been present constantly, and when I close my eyes, there is a mix of violet, white and black lights expanding contracting and flickering constantly. Sometimes purple shows up too. It’s beautiful, but I guess that’s one of the causes that makes the eyes to be very uncomfortable these two days.
The sleepiness soreness is not intense today like yesterday.

11:12 PM
These 2-3 days especially today, the repetitive numbers show up a lot, especially when checking time. In sufi magickal tradition, there is a whole branch on numbers. It’s called numbers knowledge/science. They talk about interesting things!

I worked for 6 hours today. Productive, although not at the level of normal performance, but it’s acceptable for now. I was pulled into despair once in a few minutes, but I reminded myself again and again that you are working at the office, just keep going.
There is some purple added to the mix of violet lights.

Monday, May 24, 2021, 12:53 AM

Some energetic pains arise in the torso and along the spine. Body feels very hot with constant sweating in the head. Most times it feels like I’ve lost the interest in practice, and the mind doesn’t engage with it, but at the same time another part of me wants to go against that and practice. The violet light show is much less apparent now.

2:36 AM
I did a sit, and let it go however it wants. Not much distractions and not much concentration. There were some creepy/demonic images, of figures with mixed bodies and evil looks, not clear though. For a few minutes it looked like many mental images are passing quickly in the mind, like the images are clashing with each other, and they are images of people fighting and things like that, but without having actual images. Once or twice it felt like the color statics in the murk are pointers to those image activities. It reminded me of Shinzen saying that these color movements are the deepest layer of thought activity. Later sleepiness arose which is present now, but without the soreness and those other discomforts.
For a good portion of the sit, visual space was spacious and the space of the murk was merged with the the rest of the image space. It usually is not that way. During the night a few times for brief periods visual space became spacious and it looked like it's moving slowly, or the ground is moving with a kind of mild vertigo-like feeling.
The mind-state is neutral/calm.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, May 24, 2021, 3:23 AM

It happens frequently that when the thought arises that I have to work tomorrow too, it gives a feeling of despair and disappointment. I try to reframe it and see it an an opportunity. It sometimes works, and really feels like an opportunity, which is helpful.

3:41 PM
It happens a lot these days that when reading something, if the structure of the text is not very simple, I have a hard time understanding it, it’s like the mind can’t hold the whole thing in it to be able to untangle and understand it. This happens with my native languages too, also with the work. While coding, I normally would use auto-complete function or copy/pasting, but I try to type instead, first because there is some enjoyment in the typing, second to sharpen the mind, by giving it simple and small challenges.
After waking up there was whole-body waves of vibration, especially when there was emotionality in the experience. Also the vibrations and tingling in the shoulder blades are active, especially in the right one.
These 2-3 days I like to sit in a half-lotus posture. I’d do it previously but later because of knee pain I stopped. Now it feels very comfortable and enjoyable.

11:14 PM
Today it was less productive than the last two days. I couldn’t finish my 5-6 hours of work and stopped after 4 hours. There was despair, but I forced myself to continue. Then a few hours ago something like an anxiety arose and became very intense in a few minutes. There was pain everywhere. The whole body started sweating and shaking. Face and throat like being on the edge of sneezing or crying, wanting to get rid of something. Headache and neck-ache. Numbness and weakness in the arms and legs. Constriction and pain in the throat. Some energetics at the base of spine with vibrations, chills and shivering in the body. Also feeling hot while sweating.
Intense feeling of urgency that something terrible is about to happen.
This feeling of wanting to have sneeze or cry became more intense a few times and turned into a release-like feeling in the head, with a surge of energy in the head that forces the eyes to close with a buzzing vibration in the head. Also discomfort around the heart. It was unexpected.

It went on like that for 2 hours and forced me to stop working. Then the body became very tired, and felt very weak with feelings in the throat and chest like I am about to vomit. And the purple/violet/white lights arose again, vibrating and flickering in front of me.
Now some of these manifestations are gone, but the body still is very tired and uncomfortable.

11:54 PM
I sat in a relaxed posture and closed my eyes to just rest. Without me trying, attention got stabilized on the whole body, with energetics arising that mostly were painful. Then the previous manifestations arose again and became intense. It feel like my heart want to come into my mouth. The next energetics were more painful.

Tuesday, May 25, 2021, 12:57 AM

There was more energetics, then the intensity of the whole thing decreased. Now it’s mostly tiredness and headache and I am going to bed.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Tuesday, May 25, 2021, 2:00 PM

Last night in bed and before that there were lots of energetic pains. Attention was very clear with extra clarity in sensations, and that brought more energetics. In the bed I tried to distract myself and not be aware, but there wasn’t distraction. Especially the pain in the fingers was unpleasant, like sticking wooden needles in the fingertips, or if you keep your hands inside snow for a while, then immediately put it beside a heater. There was a feeling in the torso that caused fear, feeling that this is going to be too much and I’ll lose it, but fortunately I fell asleep relatively quickly. Today that pain in the fingers and toes arises again. There is vibrations/tingling in the shoulder blades. The light show has not arisen today.

3:47 PM
It’s near an hour that feelings/sensations similar to the last night have arisen, although it’s not that intense. also the violet lights have arisen. There is sadness and disenchantment and lack of motivation and energy and strength. This newly arisen feelings cause the body to be mildly shaky and jerky with feelings like vomiting. Thank universe that there is some enjoyment in typing. And this damn neighbor is still walking. It’s like a demon is walking above your head 24 hours a day. Fuck this modern life that calls these boxes house.

6:15 PM
Now that I’ve showed up at work, other colleagues come and ask for technical help. Both yesterday and today I provided some help and it brought some confidence and feeling of usefulness. Although it felt strange at first today, that I notice myself saying someone else do this don’t do that…, it felt like, ..oh, this used to be me, but now I feel a distance to it.. . The internet connection became slow while I was sending a file, and it has made me very angry and frustrated.

10:25 PM
Thank universe I could work near 6 hours today, bu just imagining that I am at office and forcing myself over and over and over again. Today the eyes haven’t had pain, I don’t know if it’s because these light shows are less active or what. Some energetic pains arise, also pain in the bones which I don’t know what causes them. The emotional tone is so cold and dead today. It feels like that coldness is not mine and it’s someone else’s that’s touching me. I don’t know why it feels like that.

Wednesday, May 26, 2021, 12:38 AM

A friend sent a message now and seeing that made me remember a dream that I had last night. I was in a strange place and there was a big project that I had to engineer, but it wasn’t about softwares and I wasn’t sure how to do it, and part of it was linked to the movie Lost, to the hatch I guess, that there was an underground place that collapsed. It felt familiar and similar to a place that I’ve seen in some other dreams. In those dreams it was like an underground place that was filled with water. There are details about it that I don’t have the energy now to try to remember and write, but somehow it feels very familiar as if I’ve been there. There are some other places that I’ve seen repeatedly in dreams that have a similar feeling of familiarity. I don’t remember seeing them in wakefulness.

2:33 AM
Did some practice. Energetics are active. The attention is clear, but the mind doesn’t engage with the practice like before. It’s like it’s not that interesting as before. And it’s interesting that I don’t want to sacrifice the sleep routine to do more practice, at least not now. I don’t know what is good or not good, and don’t care much about knowing it for now.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, May 26, 2021, 12:12 PM

There was a dream that I was in my parent’s yard. My brother pointed at stars that had filled the sky and were very beautiful, like those images of NASA. So I focused on them and started moving up, and focusing on the stars kept me moving closer to them. It wasn’t like usual flying dreams, I was in reclining posture and moving up in that posture, and I went above toward the sky and starts and moved around, above the trees then came down, that happened a few times, but then I noticed I’ve lost the power, and when I intend to go up, my body just bends a little bit but nothing more.
Later there was a bee in the yard and my brother told that we better kill it because it’s night and we don’t have any medicine for its poison. We all tried to catch it and my mother hit it with something and it fell down. While it was flying, it had a normal bee size, but on the ground it was the size of a little bird and was alive. I put my foot and weight on it several times, but nothing happened to it. Then I woke up, and I guess there was a volitional thought, that imagined that it turns around and bites my achilles tendon and then I turn into another evil bee.
It was interesting that with all that flying in the dream, in one scene my brother was on the top of the ladder and asking me to walk up to the rooftop, but I had fear and couldn’t take one more step. In childhood I had some fear around that.
I woke up a little earlier today, and the mind-state is, well I think it’s still spring, last night was raining and it's smell is still there, and I want to see today as the first day of spring, as nowruz, who cares, I will define the world however I want. So today shares the uniqueness and beauty of nowruz. There is music in the air.
I guess beauty is the only thing that makes life worth living.

The thing that started the night before yesterday and was present yesterday, that there was a feeling like vomiting, and I had difficulty eating things, has been happening once in a while for some years now. I don’t know what it is, but it’s something. Today it’s not present, and that feelings in the throat and trachea are not there. And the eyes are uncomfortable and the lights and visual vibrations/flickering are present. Still I can’t say that it’s the cause for eye pain.

The pain in the fingers are gone, although yesterday since early night, a similar pain arose in the left middle finger and stayed. It has that pain since then. When going to bed, it turned into vibrations for a few minutes but then became painful again. Also a similar pain arose in the right middle finger for a few minutes but it went away quickly. It makes sense because that’s the central part of the hand. Since there are more energetic pains in the central parts, like the center of palms or soles or in the perineum. I’d like to see the map of energetic channels. I can bet it’s such a beautiful and complex graph.
There was whole body vibrations after waking up, intensified by emotions, initiated in the upper back, shoulder blades and neck.
For a few months in the last years, I’d always feel a burning-like smell, like the smell of electronic devices. Last few days I had that. But I am not sure if it comes from my laptop that has its battery dying or it’s just mental.
3 days ago when waking up I noticed some symptoms like having a cold. It has been mild since then, but today there is more pains and fatigue, seemingly related to that.

3:22 PM
Since the anxiety attacks started 7-8 years ago, I got different prescriptions (By ER doctors, I never went to an expert, probably because of fear or procrastination, who knows), since I’d have high blood pressure and heart racing among other effects. After trying each of them for some time, I ended up taking 20 milligrams of propranolol each day. I was unhappy with it so I tried to stop it a few times but I failed since there was too much anxiety. In the last several months I started decreasing its dose very very slowly, and finally I could stop it. It took around 3-4 months I guess, and in the last 6-7 days I’ve taken only 5-10 milligrams totally, which is good. That was one of the things that made me to not feel free. That shakiness (which has arisen again now) can be related to that, but it doesn't matter, I don't want to be dependent on it anymore.
There are brief mind-states of despair.
Since last night there are constant feelings in the right shoulder blade, moving, vibrating, tingling.

10:02 PM
Thank universe, I could work over 5 hours today. And thanks to all the people that don’t get tired and keep encouraging and supporting me. I wish they reach the best possibilities of their lives. I wish to learn from them how to be more patient and caring.
Part of it was difficult because there was brief but frequent despair+freakout attacks. I just imagined that I am at office and continued, later it became more productive. It’s 10 days now that I’ve worked at least 2 hours each day. Considering the situation in the past year or so, this is very good. I’ll rest tomorrow and continue from Friday. I hope to be able to continue the sleep and work routines.
The violet lights have been active and sometimes it becomes very bright. The right eye has pain but it’s mild, so this is another data point. There is still pain in some of the fingers, mainly in the left ones, that I think is related to energetics.
Today I've noticed that burning smell much less than previous days.
Last night the nada sound was loud. Today I had not noticed it but now it's loud again.
An overwhelming feeling of hopelessness keeps coming and going.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Thursday, May 27, 2021, 1:56 AM

After ending the work, these mind-states of despair and disappointment keep coming and filling the experience. At first it felt a bit strange that I couldn’t understand it, but I guess now it’s clearer. It’s that I don’t know how to rest and enjoy the fruits of what I do. Only two modes are familiar to me. Either I have the problem, for instance not being able to work and as a result suffering, or I am trying to solve that problem and change the situation, like working as opposed to not working. But when I have done the work and I can relax, rest and enjoy, I don’t know what to do with it, and that brings fear, sadness, disappointment, frustration and hopelessness. It seems that instead of resting, my mind keeps going in two directions: First, what is or was wrong. Second, what needs to be done. In our family, we would almost never celebrate anything. If there was a a situation that we were supposed to be happy, that would usually turn into a conflict, argument, and become very unpleasant. No wonder that after I came to this city, I’d almost never go to my hometown in first few days of new years. I’d prefer to be alone, and at least I could enjoy the good weather.

3:45 AM
There is strong itching in the whole body since 2-3 hours ago. I did a sit, there was a painful energetic that arose in genitals and moved up a little bit, then some other pains and vibrations in the feet, then it got relaxed, then sleepy. After the sit I started noting the body with the labels right, left, and center. It occurred to me to use this kind of dividing to note my legs, then I thought it’s interesting to use it for the whole body. I’ll experiment with it.
Going to bed.

8:11 PM
Today since waking up the mind-state has been sadness and despair. Body is relatively comfortable except for the back and the right eye. Right shoulder blade is filled with sensations that feel like it’s opening and getting torn apart, not unpleasant though. This past week I didn’t have much proper food both because there wasn’t much free time, also I didn’t have energy and motivation to make food. Today since I had the day off, I had decided to make some food, but I couldn’t find energy and motivation. Even making tea felt impossible. So I decided that instead of doing it at once, I just do it gradually, each time to do part of it when getting up, and that way I’ve been able to do most of it so far.
Previously I’d practice, but now the mind doesn’t engage with it. Part of me wants to get to tomorrow to start working, to not feel empty, other parts want today to not end.
A feeling arises frequently that I don’t know what to call it. It’s like if the worst possible thing would happen in a situation that you are responsible for it. Maybe fear, freakout, hopelessness, or a mix of all.
There was those goosebumps-like vibrations after waking up.

9:32 PM
Today some of the energetics have the flavor of sharp pain like pressing a needle on the tissue, in shoulder blade and base of spine. Finished the damn cooking. It’s interesting that after finishing what needs to be done, the despair becomes more predominant. Although there is relief too.

11:31 PM
The experience has become much more unsatisfactory, that feels like nothing can and will be satisfactory. The mind keeps looking for things/activities that could bring satisfaction or forgetfulness, but none of the ones that I tried could do that. I am trying to find interest and motivation in practice and do it for some time.

Friday, May 28, 2021, 3:42 AM

Did a sit focused on the body-mind space. There was a little blue color in the murk in the beginning. I had not seen blue for some days/weeks in the murk. There were some painful energetics before the sit and in the earlier part of the sit. Then sleepiness arose toward the end. At some point I noticed that the face/head image seems to be less apparent, or like it’s dissolved into the space and is not there. When there was an itch on my nose, I scratched it and it looked somewhat strange. It seemed that unlike always, moving my hands and touching my nose don’t create mental images. It was like I am sitting still without any movements, and some physical sensations happen in the space without mental impressions. I scratched my face a few more times and they were similar to the first one too, although the mental images were a little more noticeable in those ones.
The unpleasantness of the emotions has been decreased in the last 2-3 hours.
George S, modified 24 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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In our family, we would almost never celebrate anything. If there was a a situation that we were supposed to be happy, that would usually turn into a conflict, argument, and become very unpleasant.

This is a very unhealthy and depresssing environment for a child to grow up in. No judgement or criticism, I just think it's important to acknowledge that.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Yes, it is.

I guess that is why when something good/positive happens, I usually don't trust it. I just think that there was a mistake, and it will go away.
After I got my military service exemption (which was so important for me), I still couldn't believe it. I thought that they'll say there was a mistake and take that back. Even years later I'd think that now that some years has passed, maybe I can trust it. I think I am not worried about that one anymore, now over 10 years later!
George S, modified 24 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 I spent most of my life living with the constant fear that something bad could happen at any moment, that I was just one wrong step away from making some kind of mistake which would incur someone’s anger or cause me to lose whatever I was working so hard to create. This fear itself was the cause of a lot of self-sabotage, thwarting my own efforts, creating more anger. It still arises, but it’s nothing like the problem it used to be - ‘oh hello, you again, bye!’

Mealtimes were the worst in my house, because that’s when we couldn’t avoid being together. There was always tension, anger, arguments, threats, fear, someone being upset, tears, someone running away, doors being slammed.

I spent most of my life not blaming my parents, rationalizing the situation, thinking it was ok. But you can’t forgive what you haven’t really accepted. So I had to go through a period of looking at it from the child’s perspective - this situation was not ok, it caused big problems. I don’t blame my parents any more - they did the best they could given their own troubled upbringings - but it fell far short of what I needed to develop into a psychologically healthy adult. It’s only through fully accepting the reality of the situation that I could start to move beyond it and have some trust in life.
 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 24 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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I recognize myself so much in this. You probably won't believe me, as I wouldn't have, but it can heal. 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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I believe you.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 24 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Good. 
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Friday, May 28, 2021, 2:46 PM

I didn’t have enough sleep today since the energy and alertness increased after I woke up and I couldn’t sleep. Yesterday I sat mostly in knees up posture (one or both knees up) because that was the only comfortable one. Today I find myself sitting in half lotus posture again. Before going to bed there was some kind of movement in the visual field and body image, maybe like the ground is moving or the space is moving. While in bed, that continued, and it happened a number of times that felt like the body image starts to dissolve/disappear, but immediately it would get back to its usual form. I set intention to stay equanimous with that.
There was several rise of energetics mostly in the lower body. This time I practiced longer in bed.
There are some fine-grained vibrations that arise since waking up. I notice less identification with my head and face image. Normally if I think of myself, I immediately get a mental image of myself, these days often/sometimes I notice that it takes a little while to get that image, also it seems it takes some effort to put the things (name, image, etc) together to have the same sense of me. It’s mostly the sensations of stories in the space, without that strong sense of self-image in the center of it. That center and periphery directionality seems weaker sometimes.
The violet lights are active, with energetics in the spine and legs, vibration on shoulder blades, pain in the right eye.

6:37 PM
Today there is a little more interest and motivation for practice. The sensations in the back were becoming stronger, vibrations in the right shoulder blade and pain in the left side, so I sat and focused on the body. There were sharp energetic pains like stabbing, burning, stinking, then some pains with tickling flavor and painful itches. There was movement and spaciousness in the visual field. Then I became sleepy and it took a while to be able to get of it and end the sit. I guess I sat for over 2 hours, since there was rise of relaxed and tingly sensations in different parts of the body, and I just wanted to see what happens to those sensations and then end it, but since I was sleepy, my perception of it was a little bit distorted.
Like one of the last nights, there are strong itches everywhere in the body after the sit that feels like burning. I think it’s energetic.
Body feels very sleepy, and since it has become late, I wanted to go to bed and leave the work for tomorrow, but then I noticed that I want to do that because I fear that because of sleepiness and lack of time, I won’t be productive. That’s just a fuel for that destructive cycle. So I decided to start working. Productivity is not the important thing right now, the important thing for now is just showing up.

11:48 PM
Worked for 4 hours. Acceptable for the weekend. Although there was lots of fear and despair in every little thing that I wanted to do, but it was productive, and I could get passed the fear of each step faster than previous days. There are brief and frequent attacks of despair+fear in an equanimous background.

Saturday, May 29, 2021, 2:27 AM

Did a sit. Body-mind became still quickly. There was very painful energetics at the base of spine, then in the toes. Then the pain subsided. There was a feeling beside the right shoulder blade that felt like there was something on it that got lifted. The whole energetics subsided and there was just stillness, relaxation and spaciousness for a while. A few times there was an impression of an image that felt like people fighting. There was more energetics later, and a sensation near the perineum that felt similarly as if something was lifted.  Some movements in the space and mental images of the body. Once or twice there was a loud sound in the mind that was like something popped. Sleepiness arose toward the end.
In the last months in (almost?) all of the sits there was that bright white light similar to a circular shape, but that didn’t arise.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, May 29, 2021, 3:56 PM

I practiced longer in bed. At some point I woke up to go to bathroom, but I didn’t get up and focused on the murk, and then there was a series of dreams. All of it felt very real. After several stories in the dream, I was somewhere that one side of it was a big university, and the other side was a military base. I was waiting for a taxi to get back, and soldiers were running and shooting without caring that we, a few people were standing there, then everything became very bright and I found myself in the mountains, that looked to me like the mountains in the northern part of this city, but it was different. I haven’t seen anything like that before. Trees were big, very big, and the ground was covered by white grass, very soft like animal fur, and very beautiful. I started walking there and looking around and thinking what is this, where is here, and I thought maybe this is just another realm. Then I saw an animal that was like a mix of a panda and badger, with black and white fur and long tale and long claws, but it didn’t look dangerous. The ground became steep, almost like a wall, and that animal were running down, so I started walking down too but it became gliding on that soft lovely grass. There were other animals of that kind, after going down for a while, I reached a spot where there were cubs of those animals as if that place was specifically got the cubs, so  I moved father from the ground to not hit them and it became free falling. I continued falling with high speed while my head was down. Funny thing was that although I was falling, but I was moving along the land which was horizontal, but from my vantage point it was vertical, so falling down was like moving on the ground. I moved over mountains and jungles, then there were roads and railroads and a city, I thought I may hit a train or a city (!), but it all felt safe and I had no worries. Then the scene changed and I was back beside a military base. I heard an old woman saying with sorrow, ..where is my life, where is my husband.. . I thought it seems that I am back to this life/world in the form of this woman. Then I saw a young guy coming out of that base that was injured and walked with a stick, and I though maybe I am that guy. Then I saw another guy, seemed to be the other one’s brother, and I thought maybe I am that one. Then I woke up. There was those wavy feelings in the body, that are usually there when there is a dream with movements. And visual field was spacious, with a sense that the ground is not solid, or like I am floating.

There was sharp energetic pains in bed, it still arises in the sacrum. Forming the sentences feels difficult now. Grammar feels like a prison. After I woke up from the dream, I wrote it on the paper, and that looks very beautiful to me. I keep staring at it.
Before sleep, the light had became mostly purple. Now they are back to violet and black. I could call it blue instead of violet, sometimes.

It keeps amazing me, that how these dream scenes are formed. In the first part I was with an old friend, and we went to places that I haven’t seen before, but they looked very real full of details, with colors and smells and touch sensations. They say people usually don’t feel smells in dream, but I felt in this one.

11:20 PM
Worked 5 plus hours. Not productive. The day started relatively calm and equanimous, I listened to music and enjoyed it, then started working, but I received a bug report from the bank, when I checked it I noticed there isn’t any problem and the customer is just confused, but he insists to go to the bank tomorrow and check it there. We asked him to do more tests, but I may need to go there tomorrow. That brought all kinds of unpleasant feelings, worry, sadness, insecurity and after that I couldn’t have proper performance. Mind became frozen.

Sunday, May 30, 2021, 12:18 AM

It seems we have to go there tomorrow, so no time for practice. I have to to bed and do some practice there. Some people just don’t have souls, or have ugly ones.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Sunday, May 30, 2021, 8:21 PM

Today in bed awareness continued for longer after somewhat falling asleep. I guess I didn’t fall into deep sleep at all because I was upset about going to the bank and wanted to wake up earlier. It took 3 hours to be able to get up. The mind was not anxious, but the body was uncomfortable with shakiness, so I took 0.2 milligram alprazolam. There was anger too. It went good in the bank. I didn’t expect myself to have energy for even talking, but thanks to the anger that provided the energy.
There was a dream with an old friend, we don’t talk anymore, but in the dream we started talking and laughing. I woke up from that dream and noticed I am laughing.
Similar to yesterday, there were energetic pains along the spine and in the sacrum with the flavor as if there is a sharp piece of metal inside the body. It arises less frequently in the last several hours. If I remember the pattern correctly, probably after this phase with this kind of pain, it should stop having pain and instead have that coldness sensations like the touch of ice-water.

11:49 PM
After coming back home, there was tiredness and brief feelings of satisfaction. Then I continued the work and completed my 5-6 hours for today, it was productive. The mind-state has been mostly calm and equanimous, with brief attacks of despair. Two nights ago after a sit those bright white and black dots arose and since then they arise frequently. This thing that I am calling despair, which doesn’t feel very accurate, is this feeling that suddenly a sense arises as if it puts a “so what” in front of everything, all life and experience. It’s not just the lack of hope, it’s also the lack of meaning and purpose and motivation. And now that I am done with working for today, it becomes more predominant. Working serves as a distraction, also gives the sense that after it’s finished, you can rest and be satisfied, but that satisfaction is not much available.

Monday, May 31, 2021, 3:30 AM

It’s mostly calmness for 2-3 hours. I did two sits focused on the relaxation on my hands and legs. It was mostly consumed by sleepiness. Once there was a sense of movements in the body/ground but it didn’t last more than a second. Sometimes the thought-space seems to be much less active, and the mental activity seems to be mostly the mental impression of sensations plus volitional thoughts, other than that it seems to be quiet/empty. There was coldness in the chest and pain in the base of spine.
George S, modified 21 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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As I see it, hope and despair are two sides of the same coin. When there's truly no hope, there's no despair either! When I was at my most despairing, I was consumed by hope for a better life.

Lack of motivation is usually the result of a conflict between the rational mind saying it wants one thing and a subconscious desire for another.  
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Tuesday, June 1, 2021, 3:10 AM

Today 5-6 h of work. A formal sit, strong energetics in its beginning, base of spine and hips, then sleepiness arose and energetics went away. There was stillness and relaxations, and once when scratching an itch in the face, I noticed there is no mental images for the hand and arms, it felt nice, like the itch scratches itself. Later those parts developed mental images gradually. The mind had difficulty staying on its object because sleepiness would kidnap the attention quickly.

While working there was cold anger, mostly because of the financial situation, but I couldn’t find anyone to be the object of that anger. After finishing the work, there was despair for a little while, then it went away. Several times when trying to do a mental task, mind couldn’t perform its thing or remember anything, and that created pain in the whole body and a feeling like suffocating. There are energetic itches in the abdomen.
There are bright dots like fire kasina dots.
Energetics arise more while the sleepiness of the mind decreases, though its soreness is there in the muscles.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Tuesday, June 1, 2021, 5:33 PM

Last night awareness was present in the first few hours of sleep/dream. There was rise of energetics that kept taking me out of sleep. There was a dream that I was walking in a historical place with someone, and we were talking, but I was talking out loud. Several times I heard myself talking, and still continued having the dream. Tomorrow I have to go to the bank again, but this time it didn’t cause anger. Although there was/is mild anger, but without any specific story attached to it.
Before going to bed there was increased clarity in the attention with vibrations in the body, and that feeling arose a few times that seems like the whole space is an object and I can grab it with my hand. There was a similar feeling toward the body too. I guess for me a lot of times “self” manifests in the hands.
Today the sensations on the right shoulder blade are active. Last night there was pain toward the inner side of both shoulder blades. There has been some coldness too, in the perineum I guess.
There is a feeling of potential arising, that I can achieve things. That my hands want to take control and create possibilities.

11:21 PM
Worked for +5 hours. Earlier a few times there was a momentary feeling of movement in the body, like it starts to glide. At one point I had difficulty thinking, couldn’t collect my mind at all, so I closed my eyes and practiced for a few minutes. There was strong energetics, and I guess part of the body images was dissolved briefly. An hour ago violet lights arose and became very bright and clear for 10-20 minutes. Some energetics arise, like something is moving on the skin, or something just got lifted off the back or hips.

Wednesday, June 2, 2021, 2:02 AM

​​​​​​​Did a sit, started by noting body parts, then opened up and included all senses without labeling. There was relaxation and stillness in the entire sit. There were strong energetics, very painful ones in the genitals and long toes and other locations, few energy releases in the head and face. Then sleepiness arose, and at some point I heard a sound in the mind as if a glass just broke. Before ending it, I noticed a strong pressure on the right long toe and noticed it’s increasing, then I opened my eyes and saw that I put pressure on it by my big toe. There was coolness on the skin briefly. 2-3 times, the activation of energy in the base of spine created heat in the left leg and genitals. There was high clarity in the beginning and end, that arising and passing of each sensation was clear. Toward the end I had mental image of the friend that I had seen him in my dream two days ago, and it felt as if I had known some bad news about him in the early part of the sit but forgotten it, and now I just remembered that. Now I feel in the space the intimacy that we had for years. Energetics still arise in the center of the body.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, June 2, 2021, 12:59 PM

For the first several hours of sleep, there was awareness present. I kept trying to pay attention to the body. After I fell asleep, there was a distorted perception, maybe of the body, there were some qualities or concepts, and I couldn’t figure out their relation to the current experience of the body and environment. Nothing was clear though. There is stillness after waking up, but maybe that’s the effect of waking up earlier. A lot of times I feel stillness in this part of the day, from around 10 AM to 12-1 PM.

5:48 PM
Before going to bank there was shakiness in the body, although the mind was calm. It was good in the bank, I notice my confidence is returning and the mind was sharp. When coming back there was despair and disappointment, and a few times I noticed shortness of breath, like there was contraction around the heart and the breath stopped for a moment, it was like anxiety attacks, although the mind was calm. Now the body feels very tired and exhausted with discomfort in the throat and torso, like I am about to vomit.
The flickering lights have arisen. This time it’s a mix of purple and violet, and it seems there is some green (also maybe blue) mixed with it too.

10:56 PM
Want to bed for a few hours because there was too much discomfort. Practiced there, energetics were active. Now I’d prefer to go to bed again and rest, but I think it’s better to finish today’s share of working first. The body is still uncomfortable, but the mind is equanimous and still. There is a sense of having open/available possibilities, which made me stop what I was doing 1-2 times and just feel it in the silence. This silence slows down the movements of the body.

11:27 PM
Again half lotus feels very comfortable. Although there is soreness/sleepiness in the body, with tension in the abdomen, but the body feels lighter, and still. It has an upward sense, that I keep the spine straight, and it feels like the body wants to move up by becoming lighter.
This silence and stillness makes me stop doing whatever I am doing and just be still. Dare to call it stillness attack!

Thursday, June 3, 2021, 1:50 AM

Today 4 hours of work totally. Didn’t want to continue more since it’s late and I am tired. Although it was quite productive today, the mind was clearer.
Very interesting, just after I finish the work, again there was this thick cloud of despair. It’s a question to me. I have some ideas about it, but I prefer to let the mind explore and observe more openly for now. It didn’t last more than a few minutes though, and that stillness is gone too, it’s back to mostly ordinary/neutral.

2:53 AM
The stillness has arisen again, while swinging between satisfaction+confidence and despair/disappointment. I was listening to a new interview of Shinzen by Michael Taft, but the stillness took me in it, so I stopped and just sat. Bright and beautiful purple and black lights in the murk, and intense energetics, throbbing and vibrations.

4:29 AM
Did another sit. There were distorted perceptions but I forgot most of them. Last night in bed there were similar things too, at one point half-asleep half-awake, I noticed that I am thinking in terms of codes about my experience, writing code and modeling the experience, which part is the body, which part is the unpleasantness in the body and awareness of it and so on. For part of this sit I perceived myself as two entities and one was thinking about the other and judging it I guess, don’t remember much. Long toes have energetics constantly, especially the left one.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Thursday, June 3, 2021, 5:05 PM

Yesterday there was jaw clenching most of the time that had caused teeth pain. Today it seems to be gone. It feels ok/ordinary, and there is tiredness in the body with pain in bones as if I’ve done a long hiking mixed with having flu. The stillness sometimes becomes predominant and makes me stop and sit still.

11:50 PM
Worked for 5 hours. It was very difficult in the beginning since both mind and body were very tired. I just forced myself to continue and it became easier later as I engaged with it more. Now there is much more pain and fatigue in the body and it feels like being sick, almost everywhere bones and muscles feel like being crushed. Earlier I thought it’s tiredness, but it seems to be more than that. Body seems to have fever too.

Friday, June 4, 2021, 10:07 PM

Last night it became too uncomfortable and there was pain everywhere in the body and it felt pretty weak. I went to bed earlier and tried to practice there for some hours and fell asleep in the morning. The moment I lied down energetics arose. First there was mild orgasm-like feeling in the lower body, then other ones that almost all of them were painful, that sexual feeling arose a few more times. But after some minutes some relaxation got established, and there were vibrations and tingles, not much painful energetics after that. While I was in bed, the body had lesser discomfort, but when getting up to go to bathroom, it would become painful again. Woke up around 1-2 PM. Today that pain and sickness feeling has been there but not as intense as last night, although it has increased in the last 1-2 hours. Today there is throbbing in the earlobes.
For a while I didn’t have much problem with the neighbor’s noises, but today it’s annoying.
Today I wasn’t supposed to work, but I had a hard time letting go of it and it was only late at night that I decided to leave it for tomorrow.
Yesterday there were some energetics on the tale bone, that felt like pressing a needle or knife there, it was more painful than previous ones. Today it hasn’t arisen. A few times there was a kind of coldness with itchy tingly feeling there, mildly pleasant. I’ve started taking a small dose of B complex each day. I don’t know if it has any correlation to the current experiences.

Saturday, June 5, 2021, 4:03 AM

A sit with a technique that I use recently, to try to be aware without any assumptions, anticipations, judgments, expectations etc. Body-mind became still, with a little bit of rocking in the upper body. Intense energetics a number of times. Left elbow had energetics after a while of not having it. Painful ones in the head and forehead and soles. Itchy tingly coldness in the sacrum.
There is an urge to stay awake longer to practice, …have to say no.
Today I spent time with pen and paper, writing and drawing, it felt good.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Sunday, June 6, 2021, 1:38 AM

Today 5 hours of work. Woke up late, so had to start working later than previous days. The technical side of the work was not very straightforward, and these (or maybe something else) led to restlessness and the body-mind became more and more restless. I noticed my movements had become like those old silent black-white movies. After a while I could figure out what needs to be done, and gradually the restlessness decreased. After waking up there was some openness and calmness, and I played my setar and it felt good. Last few hours there is some despair/sadness that cancels the motivation to engage in activities. There is also some anger and impatience, that I notice unpleasantness more. That sickness feeling and its pain is milder today, sometimes not noticeable. This thought comes to mind that part of the tensions in the body-mind loosens and spreads to the whole body in the form of pain and fatigue (sickness), Other thought says it’s naive to think like that.
Last few hours energetics have become active that cause pain in the back, fingers, toes and genitals. That flavor of pain that feels like a sharp object, shows up in new places like upper back and hips.
First few hours in bed I didn’t know if I was awake or asleep. The practice and awareness continued until getting up. I like to know more about that phase. Earlier in bed there was intense energetics, and once an energy rise in the back made the whole body to jump up, and for a moment the murk turned into black and white tv static. This momentary black-white tv static has happened a number of times previously.

4:46 AM
Did a sit. There was relaxation, stillness and spaciousness. Also energetics were active right from the beginning, and since I tried to be aware of the whole experience, they became more intense and painful than before. Small portion of them was pleasant, coolness, sexual feelings and tingles. In the beginning that pain that is like a sharp metal inside the tissue, was there in the back and along the spine, then it was mostly the tickling flavor and hard pains. The vibrations on the left long toe once became very intense that made the body to jump up. There was distorted perceptions, different objects and stories were mixed together, like this one: Today there was a tv program, I didn’t watch it but read about it in the news, in the sit when some energetics arose, I had a thought that the people in that program activated something and it created these effects in the body. Many thought like that. Part of the sit, thought-space seemed to be less active, so the experience was clearer, and a few times led to the feeling/perception that I can grab the whole experience with my hand, or the images of the head/face became less apparent. There were some other things that I forgot.
Once I felt/remembered the smell and taste of high quality honey. By high quality, I mean high quality. A pain on the left thigh was new and intense that affected the breathing. Since the middle part of the sit these bright dots have arisen, a mix of very bright white and black, very beautiful.
I started the sit with the intention “what is it that makes part of the experience satisfactory and part of it unsatisfactory”. I don’t know the answer, but there is less sadness after it.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, June 7, 2021, 12:19 AM

When going to bed I set an intention to remember to make some resolutions when the concentration gets better, but I guess I didn’t remember. Also I wanted to be more aware of being awake or asleep. There was awareness of the body until the first time getting up and there were dreams too, but I forgot the details, and I don’t know if there was continuous awareness or I kept going in and out of sleep. Energetics were intense while there was less sleepiness. I intended to be aware of the experience just as it is, and that created many energy rises. Like yesterday, I woke up late and had difficulty getting up. Still I am tired and haven’t started to work. Today was holiday and I guess I won’t work so that I could sleep earlier. The sleep time has been getting close to morning in the last few days, and I want to change that.
Today I bought a few pen and notebooks (!) to practice drawing as an entertainment, and did it for a few minutes. If I continue it, I should buy some professional material for it. I used to do it in the past but it was a long time ago.

3:17 AM
Did a sit, intended to experience the experience as it is. Energetics became very intense. It was a mix of pleasant coolness and bright sparks of light with intense painful sensations. I had maybe a glimpse of understanding what Shinzen once described, that Sasaki Roshi asked him something like: ..Get to a point where you have no need to objectify the experience anymore.. . I intended to experience like that, to not lean the mind toward making concepts and labels and objects from the sensations. For some moments there was less objectification I guess. An energy current arose in a few locations, main one in the lower abdomen, that started slowly moving up, that felt like it cuts and pierces the tissues. It moved up 1-3 inches then stopped. With all of the sensations, I intended to let go of leaning toward liking or disliking, or deciding anything. Had to end to go to bathroom.

5:05 AM
Another sit with similar intentions. The mind was less collected than the previous sit, so less concentrated, less energetics, and later sleepiness and full of distorted perceptions. These 1-2 days there have been energetics with coldness feeling. After the sit there are ice-water touch feeling.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, June 7, 2021, 5:43 PM

Forgot this last night: There was a popping sound in the mind in one of the sits, it was a sudden loud sound like a metal object fell down on a metal surface.
First few hours of sleep I still didn’t have enough clarity to know if I am awake or asleep. I had some dreams, and before getting up for some minutes I was scratching my chest and had a distorted perception of that. Last night while in bed and before that in the sits, it happened a few times that felt/looked like I had known something earlier but I had forgotten it and now I just remembered it. It’s been a few days that this thing happens, although it’s just a vague impression.
There was a feeling in the feet a few times, mainly in the toes, that was like a mix of vibrations, and burning with heat and coldness, then it faded away and there and there was spread of coolness on it like cool air is moving between toes.
There was an unpleasant dream, I was somewhere that looked like my hometown, I was beside the river but it looked much wider and deeper than the actual river there and the current was pretty fast, I was on a narrow steep path that was the path to mountains and I was trying to climb up to not fall into the river. I used my hands to grab rocks and climb higher, and when waking up I noticed pain in them, like a residue from the dream.
Woke up earlier today, thanks universe, and forced myself to get up. I had resolved to do that.
Today the flickering lights have been active again. It’s mostly purple so far.

Tuesday, June 8, 2021, 1:03 AM

Today 6 hours of work. It started pretty difficult as I couldn’t find a fix for a problem, but gradually it got better. Also I was anxious in the beginning since the task progresses very slowly, and that puts pressure on my colleagues. It was interesting that when I found the fix, I noticed maybe at the same time or a minute later, that the flickering lights arose, very bright, but not purple, they were violet and blue, and also there was energetic activation in the body, curios to know if they were related. They both went away after 10-20 minutes. The speed of thinking and acting started increasing after that, and it was satisfying.
Each time that I finish a subtask in the project, before starting the next one, a thick cloud of despair and uncertainty fills the experience.

3:55 AM
Did two sits, for the most part being aware of the whole body-mind space and letting go of any engagement with thought. Lots of energetics in the early part, but it decreased gradually. The energy was more active in the upper body, so there was energy releases in the head, and I had to breathe with my mouth. In the later part I focused on the lower body and the space around and under it and it seemed that it improved the breathing. It’s 10-20 minutes that restlessness has arisen and there are repetitive auditory thoughts.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, June 9, 2021, 4:18 AM

Today I had a hard time getting out of bed. The body was very uncomfortable with soreness everywhere. Around an hour after getting up the discomforts mostly went away. My colleague said that at mid-night we should go to the bank. A server system that I had upgraded a few months ago had to become operational for an hour, to get tested with real load, so part of my time was spent to get prepared to go there. Then I went out to grocery shopping, and I learned that one of the neighbors has died. He had a sandwich shop here, a very good person, a bright minded one, we were like friends and I liked him a lot, everyone liked him. He was around my age with two little kids, and two nights ago died in an accident, a bus with a truck, he jumps to catch a kid to save that kid, but a piece of metal goes into his chest and kills him immediately. It’s shocking. Later I went to the bank, and the system worked well without any problem which was a relief and for that period this was not in my mind, but after that it returned. Part of me doesn’t want to believe it, other part thinks that his coming to this life was a mystery, like any other birth and life, and his death was another mystery like all other deaths, and all I can do is just immerse in the awe and silence of this mystery. This voice repeats in the mind that “this is not fair”, but then I think fairness doesn’t apply to this mystery.
There is this quiet sadness. It doesn’t rain, but I feel its smell, as if the sky is raining quietly, saying the things that you have no language to say, keeping you company.

6:48 AM
Did a sit. It was just sleepiness from beginning to end. I had taken one third on an alprazolam pill because of going to the bank, and that has made me sleepy.
I started noting see hear feel after the sit.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Siavash '
It doesn’t rain, but I feel its smell, as if the sky is raining quietly, saying the things that you have no language to say, keeping you company.

This really touched me.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Me too.

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