Hi! i have thought for a long time that I want to make a practice log, including my time in Pemako, what insights have occured, challenges, how I practice and the path map I have been using and how I understand it. I have been practicing for a bit more than 3 years now, so there will be alot of threads taken from memory to give a summary up till present day. I will make these threads separately so discussion will be easier (instead of one mega long post). Since I take it from memory it wont be perfect, and I might remember things too late, so there is the danger of things not being  completely cconsistent, but on the plus side I can skip alot of the tiring dark night-ish periods that have been, which probably would be depressing to read about. 
I hope it can be of help to people, and that you ask question and discussion and good dialouge. 

Oskar, practice logs are done in real-time, not from years-old memories. I'm dubious about this effort - why this way?

First insight with 2 part formula

Most people in Pemako have used 2 part formula as the way of generating the first insight into selflessness, though there are exceptions like Kim who did a different practice, or people who have practiced in in other lineages and had first insight in with a different teaching, there also are a couple of people who had the insight spontaneously. Here is a link to the technique: https://www.pemakobuddhism.com/114
I thought it would be a good idea to give a general summary of how this first insight was to me. I know there are quite heated discussions online of what count as stream entry, what is the first bhumi, first kensho and I AM realization, are they the same or different and so on..? and also that Pemako and kim has taken alot of heat talking about bhumis as the way of certify attainments. As a general note the first insight I write about now, is seen as the "opening" of the first bhumi which is the same as stream entry, though I understand there are other ways to look at it too. As a general note I can only say that the bhumi model used in Pemako has been super helpfull to me, and I plan to write more about it later on  
Also, there are differences between opening and perfecting bhumis (again hope to write about this later). Meaning there is one realization having the first open, and then a second having it perfected. So opening and perfecting all 10 bhumis means 20 insights, if we include the attainment of light body there are also opening of mahasiddha bhumis 11,12,13 and perfection, all inn all 26 realizations to be presise! 

So... I started doing 2pf the summer 2018. A friend had talked about his friend several times that had done it, but I never got the name of the teacher or the technique untill now. I think my friend messaged his friend when I asked him, and I got the name of Kim Katami and Ken Wilber (for some reason) in the same message, and I checket out Kim the same evening and found 2pf. It felt really familiar and so did Kim Katami. I had read some books before, been on 2 Goenka retreats and done alot of mindfullness and yoga, and in general was very much into spirituality, so when I read the technique it felt like the most crystalized way of insight practice I had yet seen. 
I think I spent some days thinking, before going at the technique, because I was scared the change it would make and I knew that it would make a change, but I began to test the affirmation thoughout the day untill I figured I could not not do it, and so started doing two regular sits a day as suggested. First I did it regularily on my own, and then I got guidance with another guy from Norway (I am norwegian) for two weeks untill I was through. Which means daily e-mailing back and forth between student and teacher.

I guess some reading this are familiar with the technique since its been presented online many times before in this type of forums, and some are not. If not and my descrption makes no sense to you, you can check out the link I put above to get a general idea of how the process work  

Basically you switch between meditating on two modes, a selfless mode and a self mode. You start by recognizing the aspect of the mind that is selfless and try to see how that is present in every parts of the body, get some taste of that selflessness. Then in the second mode you bring up the sense of being a self, a separate entity. you do this by saying "I", "I", "I", me, me, me.. this creates tensions in the body and you then investigate these tensions to see if there really is something substantial as a self in any of them. basically making the "I" into an object of investigation. 
To me I struggled alot with the selfless mode, the second part of the technique, but first part was very easy, and I had very strong reactions from doing the affirmations, like headache, feelings and anxiety, heat in the body an so forth. 
What is normal is that the tensions at some point gathers behind the eyes in the head, so it feels like the "I" is something, or someone in the head. But it is percieved as tensions, making the identification very different and possible to investigate in a very spesific manner. So this happened with me too, like in the beginning I had this fist sized knot in the head. It was really tiring having it there, and it completely knocked me out a couple of times, like I had to sleep in the middle of the day for several hours. After a while it became smaller and smaller over time, and after three weeks it was like small circuits going through the head when I did the affirmations. It ended completely when I sat on my bed at my grandmas house, and just looked at this small electric lights flashed through my mind untill they completely dropped off. It was super ordinary, like if someone turned off some background noise that you had not even recognized being there, but its still wonderfull when someone turns it off as you realize how much of a stress it really has caused you. Its really hard to explain the experience, but it was like the thought of "me", was seen as just that, like just a thought and thats it! I have read later phrases like awarness looks at itself, and thats exactly what its like, like there is no one seeing the "I", it just is known. And since its known as awarness, meaning directly percieved, there is no artificial identification with the thought. "It" or the "I" was just empty of any reality.

Some thought about how the afterglow days where like:
First I remember it was like a shock to see people around me how they did not see this, it looked like people where completely stuck in their heads in lack of better descriptions, and it sort of didnt make sense because that clearity of mind was so easy accesible to me at that point. There also was this very natural clearity and aliveness, the eyes sight changed, like it feels like you can litterarily see more stuff than before, and I also remember how things sudddenly didnt "hit" me in the same way as they used to.  Like some self reaction would imidealty be realised before they would create any pain. I remember stsaying at my dads  and he did something that normally would be anoying to me, and my body was going into this habitual contracted respond. I would do the contraction, and then in the same moment see that no one was "hit", no one needed to defend himself. So the respond became sort of nonsensical in a way and the "pain" I had always associated with this kind of situation was gone. 

I also felt really peacefull, and there was not this need to do stuff all the time.
I think my honeymoon lasted about 2 weeks, before things started to get clouded agian, though the change was still definitly there. I remember when I started doubt later on if this had really happened or not, that one of the things that definitly was still there was how the eyes was still different as well as less reactivess to external stimuli. Most importantly the teaching of emptiness, that used to be completely mystical before, suddenly made much more sense, hard to describe really but thats how it was like  

Hi Chris. I can make a real-time log, but then all the practice and insights that is built on would not be mentioned and so what I write about would make very little sense, right? 

I tried to find a way to message you actually to ask if it was ok to make this log and some questions in general, but I couldnt find it.

But the plan is real time of course, just take some time haha

Oskar, I'll let you keep going with this topic but will be paying attention.

Ok, I thought about it and I can do real time and then have flashbacks from earlier, is that ok? My practice now much more concerns pure view practice, which build on former insights, also perception of the body and mind is very very different, so thats one of the reasons I thought it would be inconsistent to jump right onto those things without prior explanations. But I can put a hashtag (#) on some post conserning prior practice, and then the rest try to keep per this date, so there is more or less a red line thoughout the rest of the post.
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Practice 29-30

So here we go. Yesterday when I wrote the part of doing 2pf, I got a huge bulb of anxiety comming up in my body, I wonder if people reading it would notice actually, because it felt like the energy was very strong and uncomfortable, also my head started spinning. I guess "putting myself out there" is something that is a big trigger for me as I havent had such a strong fear reaction in a long time. 

What is different now from before, is that after several shifts the mind and body becomes quite transparant and spacious. So I dont feel as caught up in it as I used to at all. Also it is very embodied and not as much about the mind, like my body has this or that fear in it. Also what is a difference is that before I used to have these knots of anxiety very centralized in the body, like solar plexus, but now as the energy body has changed so much over the years the fear is more in all areas of the body. This might sound worse but 1) its waaay subtler than before, meaning simply not that painful and 2) as I said, I dont feel that caught up in it, though it is still not ideal, I intend to completely get rid of it, 3) I can perceive much more of the energybody, so a knot in the solar plexus might be tied up with constepated chakras in other areas of the body as well in chacras outside the body in the "aura". Meaning focusing solely on on area can be a trap, and I want to include as much of the energy body as possible. 

What I have done working with fear(and I have had alooot of fear, I think some have had more anger or desire on their jurney, but for me it has almost always been fear,like I am a turtle kind of person hehe), I think is mainly these three exercises:
1) compassion practice, like white tara, avalokiteshvara, tonglen or chöd or any way of generating boddhicitta. This sends this sweet warm energy thought the channels that are "cold" or contracted due to fear, as well as it gets me out of my mind if I am very caught up in something and want to analyze it intellectually.
2)Varjakilaya practice, a great way to bring out dormant fear hiding in the dark.
3) trauma therapy/pure view. These are exercices put together by kim, that I have used alot. I have used it in relation to people and/or situations, in which I see say my "enemy", say person x as a buddha. What happens is that I come to see more and more that this person has all the qualities of a buddha, feeling the blessings and energy from this person, and so my issues with x or myself in this relation sort of doesnt have anything "real" to fight with anymore. When that happens it becomes very clear that its my own projections I am fighting with, and this is where proper release can happens if that makes sense?

So yesterday after writing I did the latter kind of exercice. One way is to see the whole world as sacred, sometimes I simply apply pure view, but also there is a mantra for Bhudevi which does the same thing, but have a milder and warm motherly vibe, making it easier to relax, and I usually does this in formal sittings. Then feeling the world in this way, as well as putting myself (vizualise) in situations that would trigger this fear, I try to see if I can feel safe in this experience. Meaning the body gradually are able to relax, and vipashyana start happening.
I did about 60 min yesterday, half sitting half lying down. I felt as mentioned above fear in many areas of the body, like the new discovery was that I had a knot in me middle of the spine, and in general alot of tensions there, as well as in the legs and abdomen. Also there is a knot in my throat that has been there for 1,5 year know and that store alot of fear. These are all marked by this "coldness" as mentioned, like cold and contracted. Some did actually realise, but much is left, but I feel way better writing today than yesterday so lets see how it develops.

This morning I did some physical exercises, and then chöd and White tara practice. 

#FLASHBACK# autumn 2018

Ok, so I think I should cover the most central events that have happened in my practice, meaning insight that have occured, hope its ok for you Chris . Also sorry for these first posts being so long, they will be shorter sooner I think.
In Pemako we use the so called Bhumi Model, and so these events relates to different "poppings" of these bhumis or grounds of awarness. The first one I had was the one the one happening as a result from 2pf, and the autumn of 2018 was three more.
I should mention that the "opening" of bhumis relates to opening karmic knots in the central channel (which is different from "perfecting" bhumis), the central channel goes through the body and under and above the body about 6-8 meters each direction. The bhumi 1-6 are inside the head, first right behind the eyes and then the 5 others stacked on top of this 6th being on the crown of the head, and then 7-13th above the head, with more distance appart. The ones I talk about now from this autumn concerns happenings inside the physical body, in the head. here is a link to Kims book where this is better explained: https://www.pemakobuddhism.com/35532

I think I recieved an empowerment for what was called at the time Tibetan Heart Yoga, at 1 of september. I had been recommended to do Guru Yoga practices before that, and think I had been at that for about 1 month or so when I recieved the empowerment. From then on I practiced every day. 
It was very energetic exercises, concerning mantras, vizualisations and chakras in the body, also Dynamic consentration, meaning shouting of mantras in spesific areas of the body. I remember I would have these knots in the head exactly as the one I got from 2pf, just abit above, so it was always been easy for me to make sense of these bhumi location, at least when it was happening inside the body (outside the body is a bit sublter, but very doable as well). Once a week or so I had these really heavy headaches, some of the times I would get physically nauseous and at one point I ended up seriously throwing up as a result from this. But it also got milder and milder, or less and less heavy exactly as when I did 2pf. 

2 shift
I think I had been at practicing for 2 months, when I sat at a coffee shop in Deli (I was traveling in India and Nepal the whole autumn of 2018), and reading, when the head started having these explosions of kinds, like the whole head area was covered in this startdust bliss, and it was very clear that something was happening and opened up. I think this insight was more dramatic than the first one, like the "leap" in awarness was bigger, though still of the same kind, in that it was just a more revealing of selfless awarness. I remember I was super peaceful that day, like I had never been so peacefull, and that thoughts became weightless at times, which also had happened the first time, but more this time. I think the afterglow lasted for some days. In the same way it was also like the mind or body was percieved from a different point of view, or ground so to speak, this was permanent even though stuff keep surfacing after.

3-4 shift
After this the process kept on going. I remember there was tons of energetic events, and I messaged Kim in December saying I though I had had six awakenings, but he said it had only 4, which I found out later was correct. 
The biggest of these events, which I then guess was the forth, happened in Pharping in Nepal, I was staying at a monastery there. I think I had been doing open awarness practice on the day time, and that in that non-grasping state there had been a similar kind of energetic change, this time like a knot it the gut that had been lifted upwards. I see this is not a very good explanation, but thats how it felt and have felt before, like when you dont hold on to anything whatsoever, the energies in the body are not longer "held in place" by fixations and are able to move freely, ideally being fully realised, and that was how it was like.

That night I woke up by having really strong pain in my solar plexus. Like the anxiety knot I had had for years became really tight and painfull. It came to a point where it exploded, similar to how the 2 shift felt,  and completely dissolved. The day after I had what has been my most "intense" or dramatic shift doing this practice. It felt like I was consumed by presence, like I completely lost the "grip". I have read some places that "thoughts watching thoughts" and that was very much how it was. Like the "seer" or "watcher", was only a thought, and so where all other thoughts as well. So there are only thoughts appearing, but no one being any thoughts, nor anyone watching these thoughts, they are just known as exactly how they appear. Also I could see that both me and the external world was impermanent which was a huuuge shock,  it was not like I was solid watching a world in motion, but that we both was in constant movement by exactly the same "rule" of impermanence if that make sense? When no one "held" the experience, feelings where liberated as they appeared (like that shock I had, meaning it was very brief) and I think more anxiety fell away that day. I remember also this time, that I got somewhat "back to things" that I was super calm and peacefull, and that the mind was so clear. It made no sense to smalltalk with the people as it was all ego-games going on, I had become friends with one lady there, but I remember I just sat watching her talk, and had the same kind of realization that I had had with the first shift, that: "you dont see this!?".

Both with this insight and the previous ones, there had been  emotional release of different kinds, and also it was very embodied, like the body became clearly more transparent and lighter, and even posture would change. 

In general about my practice these days.
Awarness is quite easy to access when on the cusion. Sitting now, there is quite often as no time is passing and a feeling of interconnectedness also happening sometimes, like the space of awarness I am inn includes all beings, this "state" is very natural and clear and soft. This is on and off though, so not continious at all, fixation and clinging happens quite soon as it gets good and I loose it again. But when its good its its like that. Also not the same to access this off the cusion in activites, when with people and more coping and defence mechanisms is in place. Also there are days or periods when its very clear, and periods when its not. Yesterday after taking a jog it was amazing, just colorful natural life!  Its not on while I am asleep though, that has not happened yet.

I mentioned I have had a knot in my throat for 1,5 years now that store alot of fear, and there has during that time been events in which it has released in smaller or bigger degree, though its still there (I will mention some of these events). This fear is hard to work with, I have gone through alot of situations, relations and happenings with the trauma/pure view practices I mentioned, and as mentioned alot has released, but its still there and at this point its hard to know why really. Essentially its the clingning to a self that keeps it going I know, but I cant know if I should start looking through memories again or if I should focus on analyzing the thoughts/clinger, probably both which has usually been my strategy.. What is also problematic with this is that it ripples and sends alot of tension in my head, causing fuzzyness, like a feeling of being drunk. This can happen while being in awarness, or I can be just consumed in it, no awarness at all. Its not painfull, but feels like complete waste of time since it so foggy, and I can struggle to do normal things and also being around people, it creates this distant feeling of kind and I know I "fade out" sometimes. Its clear to me that its a karmic thing, and though I can push my energies down in the body, taking of some of this pressure, it soon come back up again. It fucking tiring to have it like this, and its been so much.
So all in all different things going on. Yesterday and today its been avalokiteshvara (yesterday), physical practice, Varjakilaya and open meditation today. Back, throat and legs are scared. Have a nice day!

I learned last retreat I attented a way to expand the central channels. We use them alot in practice though this was new experience. So today at work I have been experimented alot with going from normal size to 1 meter diameter which gives a quite strong energy charge from mahasiddha bhumis (11,12,13) above and under the body. Really energetic and tiring at some point, but also feel alot more serene than some days ago. Also trying to send this energy into the channels outside the body in the aura and constepaded aureas there/chakras outside the body.

#FLASHBACK# 2019

It was a break in terms of breakthrough most of 2019 compared tp how fast things went in late 2018. I think shift 5-6 happened in autumn quite rapidly after each other.

5 shift

Again hard to decribe these thing, I remember from this shift and onwards it has not been very dramatic anymore, like the first 1-4, especially 4th. It felt super ordinary, and just clearing. Not sure what to say about this one, except the usual "bigger" or "clearer" awarness, and also that the energy "helmet" I had had around my head for 6-8 months dissolved which was great as it had been a pain in the ass.

6 shift

Same, just clearer. Alot of tension in upper body released. I remember what was currious this time was that how thoughts was percieved changed. Like they become "shorter" in a way, like if I was in the middle of a narrative, thoughts would just stop by themselves before I would get very far. It kind of wasnt good or bad, just a new "hm?, ok."
I also remember telling a friend that now awarness was "on" almost all the time, lol, that was quite off. I think many in my sangha 6th has been a big happening, but wasnt for me, though I remember having trouble to get to sleep that night because of the new found lucidness. 

As explained above, the first 6 shift correlates to six knots/centers in the central channel within the head. 7th untill 13th, are above the head, though there are correlating centers in the limbs of the body. Honestly I dont remember where they correlate, but can try to find it if someone is interested. A part of rainbow body yoga, the standard exercice we do, concerns 36 chakra centers inside the body and the purification of those centers using dynamic concentration exercises.

#FALSBACK# 2020

7th
Early january or fabruary. Happened on the cushion doing chöd exercise, same as many of the others, energy "explotions" (in a very comfortable way btw). I remember what was new with this one was that for the first time clearity extended to outside the body, so the walls around me would feel transparent, while before the transparenty was always concerning the body.

8th
Early summer. Remember spesifically I listened to "Zombies" by the Cranberries at the subway, and these energectiv explotions started to happen. I think it went on for several days before the shift went all the way through. This as the latter one was also much more external. I remember it went from feeling like "I" was here in a world, to be there is this world and I am in it. Again nothing fancy or special, but lively and clear and natural. 


9th/1st 

I write 1st, because in my estimate this was a perfection and not an opening. If one has opened it can be perfected, but most usually people in the sangha opens all before starting to perfect. Depends on practices you do I guess, like perfections has always been more about boddhicitta exercice for me. 

This also went on for days, I remember I could not sleep much when it was building up, and would sit long into the night a couple of times when it happened. It was clear something changed, but it was not that "leap" in awarness as with the openings, and which had been especially clear with the first openings. It was more like the clearity that was already there became "fuller", not very interesting shift when I read it like this haha. But yes fuller, settled. 

#FLASHBACK# 2021

So 2021 has been a big year for me practice vice, and I has not been sure how to cover it. I think I will jump forward, past some shift that was perfections, and go through the rest of the openings, they went by quite fast during the summer and not much to add, so wont be long, and then the other shifts after that. So some jump in time, but hopefully coherent in a way. If people read about other Pemako students practice, this is usually the progress. 

9-13th

Again, very quick some of these, like no honeymoon, just rapidly loosening and moving on. The knots in the various limbs especially, legs and arms loosened up and dissolved. I remember some thoughts about Karma was very strong at 11th. And also that alot of investigation of the bhumi model, like inside the central channel and around, there are varies channels, which correlates to the knots in the central channel and also to the body and mentioned limbs, its a whole net and when some knot dissolve, the whole net changes. I made alot of drawings of this at the time , and can post more about it another time if some are interested. I dont think I would have been able to percieve these things before due to the subtleness, but I dont think I tried much either, so on the other hand it definitely should be possible.
At 13th I was completely flooded my pure energy, it was one of the most plesant experiences I have had. I usually have had very red hands, I guess bad blood circulation, but I remember that day they where elvish white, almost like lady hands haha, because this pure energy flooded the whole body and opened it up. Also something happened at this point regarding sexuality, like I remember sex and attraction got something normal about it, like I felt less like an animal, which was curious. Still everything works fine, and desire is absolutely there still, though it was a clear rewiring happening at that point.
Some of the channels around the eyes dissolved, so it was easier to meditate without the eyes searching for some thing in the room to hold on to, fixate on. In "Buddhahood Without Meditation" by the treasure reaveler Dudjom Lingpa there is mentioning in the teachings of "The Lake-born Varja of Orgyen" how appearances seems to be solid due to pressure on the eyes, and it felt like some here loosened up. It did so with the first and has kept on happening, so this seem in my experience to be something ongoing. I think this is the main reason why some people who have had one or more awakenings have different eyes than others because these channels dont smash the eye balls anymore.

#FLASHBACK# 2021 perfections

I have had day off work today, and felt like needing to finnish these flashbacks so I can get into real time, so here we go with this one. I will write one more about how things has been lately this autumn, and then just real time. 
2-7th happened from winter 2021 till late summer, so overlapping with some of the openings. The general rule is if one is opened you can perfect it, if its not you cant. I have looked into this myself, and its very clear that a bhumi layer that has no "holes" in it cant be perfected, meaning it needs to me "opened" first, at least I dont see how its possible to perfect one which has not been opened. When investigating them its like trying to opened a door that is looked, like completely unmovable. Should write more about this another time and I hope all of these technicalitites are not too confusing for readers, if so I will clarify to best of my ability. There is also better desription in Kim book on post awakening practise. 
Also to add about perfections, they didnt have this "leap", like there was clear change, but more in the sense of a "fuller" experience of the awarness which was already there rather than a new "level" or "ground" as with the openings, and also compassion practice was super central, at times really consuming, much more than vipashyana, which had been main point with the openings, at least this was the case for me. 


2p shift

Winter time, this one I didnt notice first but Kim did on a retreat that I had a shift, and surely enough the following weeks that became clear. I remember meditating and I came to think about Jesus saying something about judging the living and dying, and that I thought that "no problem, know I am a living". I mean this in the sense that awarness was so full of life and freshness. When I have had pointing out instructions its mainly three characteristics: 1.knowingness/clear cognizant. 2. Aliveness, 3.Groundedness. Sometimes there is also 4. softness and 5. freshness, and it was the latter that became clear this time. 
Also I remember contemplating the phrase "no me or others" at the time, and that I could percieve others and me being of the "same space" so to speak, like this made some sense now, though quite imature, and I certanly did not "sealed the deal" on this one. But it started to make sense. The after effect of this insight lasted for some weeks I think.

3-4 
Also this lasted for some time on and off. What happened here was that when meditating I would be like a flower, like exactly like a flower. The experience is all described in verbs, like there is seeing, hearing, tasting, walking, touching, but no seer, hearer, taster and so on. It was really wonderfull. 

5-6
I should mentioned that 4 and 5 was not that "special", thats why I put them together with 3 and 4 because I know those happened too, but didnt have much to note about them really same as some of the latter openings. But feeling of kindness grew, like being very soft. How do I know? By investigating these bhumi plates, if there is any dirt on them or not. I did this alot at the time, and felt I got it pretty well, so thats why I am being so confident about it (and gosh I hope I am right, if not this is embarrasing!)
The 6th, which happened in early summer, was really special. I remember I was really happy at this time when it happened Awarness became "endless", not in a fancy way but an very ordinary  way. Same as freshness and clearity is ordinary, like your actual nature, now i was revealed that this same thing was "endless" by nature. At the point I could not add anything to this description, though these days I would say that there is no beginning or end, or that awarness is primordial. 
Also the lightness and transparancy of the body came to a completely new level, which was beautiful.
I remember sometimes before I had contemplated the phrase some people use (loosely taken from memory) "in reference to the seen there is just the seen, in reference to sounds there is just sounds" or something like that. That first time I read this it made no sense at all, and then after I while it did made sense, but it challenged this "jump" in me, and would actually trigger fear because I saw how big of a difference this kind of perception would entail (I thought). Then at some point, it made alot of sense and was not scary anymore. After the 6th I pretty much have not thought about it, it makes perfect sense but I dont feel the need to reflect on it. I would have some sense of there being "just sounds", and thats it. I remember I thought I should investigate this more since I feel I have heard people talking about this so often, but it felt like no use as there obviously was more to do, and that I had to move on. I had a wish at the time that after 6th I could take a break, but that clearly was a mistake, much more to do.

7th
This concerns time. I knew before that time was seen as empty by some of my sangha friends though didnt understand what that was about. So was currious. In the same way as "endless" was nothing fancy, so is timeless. It just felt like the notion of passing time, or time being something "real", that a person is someone who is bound by this time of a going to b going to c in subsequent order, and "locked" by such an order, didnt apply anymore. Conventially there is no problem of talking about before and after and so fort, but the "realness" or "solidness" of this doesnt exist. It is still like this when I meditate though sometimes more clear than other times.
I did the same summer at one point drop into this waste completely timeless all pervacise presence, and this timelessness was different, which is currious and I have thought about alot, what makes the two different from each other? Also I know there is this A and B theory about time discussed in philosophy, I dont remember how it works, but maybe something to look into if my current experience correlate to any of those?

8th?? 
Talking about time,I felt I should mention my only insight regarding space as well which happened some months later. At this point I find it hard to investigate the subtleties of the bhumis, if I havent mentioned it before I should now, that with these shifts perception of thoughts, feelings and so forth becomes increasingly subtler, so I am a bit hesitant to state clearly that this was nr 8th or just a smaller shift which certainly can happen as well, but think I should write about it. 
I did avalokiteshvara practice, and stuff opened up, alot released from lower throat. I remember a moment of really seeing other beings, like a sober and clear compassion happening at this point. Also some karma related to sleep released, like this drowzyness you feel in the morning came over me at one point but like observable cloud, and then dissolved. Though I am still not good with mornings so clearly not done with this part of the practice.

What happened was the the notion of feeling distance between me and external phenomena dropped away. All the shifts mentioned in this log has meant increased non-dual experience, but this was more appearantly so because it so clearly conserned external phenomena as well, though the shift happens within ones mind! Really hard to put into words, though again, very very ordinary. Like every being share the same space, and so the distance you feel is again a conventional thing, no problem in one sense, but not "real" from the perspective of awarness. 
I talked to a friend during this phase and at that point described my experience as having one taste, and thats how it still is. One taste of what? Taste of life! Its not constant, and I should be careful, because not long after I was really nasty to someone, so needless to say, emotions, selfing still happens. Also if one has read above, fear is still a big topic for me. 

The thing from this time I have talked about to others the most, is one experience with a pidgeon. I was sitting waiting for a friend in the city (i live in Oslo), and at this time, self would cease on and off more than usuall and it was "deeper" or revealing more than before when this happened now. I was watching a pidgeon, and it was so clear that it too suffered, it didnt want to suffer, but it was locked by karma. This applies to everyone, if you are rich, old, poor, young, human or animal or any other being. There really is no difference between beings of samsara in this regard, not one millimeter. I have thought I should have known about this earlier, as it concerns the first noble truth, but well this time it really hit me. But again I need to say, its really not always like that, still a milestone though.
This reminds me that I want to emphasis how these insights, though being big at the time and has greatly changed my look at life (like huuuuuge), and its sets into the body like no other things does, there can be this impression of one being amazing or special, but that that is a huge trap. To me,  as long as I have any notion of anger, jealusy, depression and so forth in me, I am not done. Even worse, I would say sometimes practice has been so all consuming, I feel it has affected those around me negatively, if its my character or dark night ish periods or both, the "saintlyness" one can get over oneself after some of these shifts is dangerous. Now at this point, if my assesment of these insights is correct in regard to Pemakos ladder of insights, I should be quite far in one sense, but really there are eons to buddhahood as long as you are within samsara, as long as you are govern by disturbing emotions and come to hurt yourself and others. Just felt like writing that. 

In general last weeks practice as usual, also been alot up and down, can be super tired at one point, and then very clear, so much up and down. Also had a chat with one sangha friend some time ago of a current issue that I have been mentioning here. I have pondered more time and space, and there is non, time doesnt pass, and there is no space in the sense that I am a box in another box (the world) with volume, distance etc.. being real things. Still clinging happens of kind, so some "realness" is still the case. I know some in my sangha had the insight after this, that dreams are to be seen as empty, though not necesarrily doing dream yoga (some does), as the karmas should be there in waking state as well. So another question is how are the delusive experience of dreams being real, conflicting with waking experience. Might add something to this later if it comes up.


Adding the discussion with M about relative and absolute boddhicitta and fear.

Oskar: Btw, can I ask you another question about practic? Like how rigpa is inbetween sessions?
its something I think is necessary for me to get more into at this point.
and also choices, I remeber you wrote about it in the sangha

M: How my rigpa is?

Oskar: that too, but also inbetween sittings. Its very easy for me when I sit, but when I do other stuff I lose it and get into thoughts

M: Gotcha. I still get sucked into narratives. Sometimes it's in and out all day. I tend to shout through them or chant mantras asap to get out when I notice, so I can't really break it up into sessions or anything. It's more like I have sessions of not practicing.

Oskar: right
I seem to have this idea that I just ahve to let go, and undistracted stay in rigpa, that its my "behaviour" its something wrong with and needs adjustment

M: Okay so there's a fragmentation of motivation somewhere

Oskar: Aslo that sittings is just better, inbetween is not at good and I whish I could get the bar higher
Oskar: "Okay so there's a fragmentation of motivation somewhere" yes plenty
Generating boddhicitta is quite hard now, so I try to focus more on absolute perspective, doing nothing love.. but this ofcourse contradict the "wanting to be kind, have this or that motivation and so on"

M: I've been focused on that a few times actually. I saw a quote from Norbu yesterday about it, too. It was about mahamudra being unity of intellect, body and speech.

Oskar: sorry, wanting to have boddhicitta motivation sorts of messes up the non-doing love

M: Looking at experience from the perspective of motivation has been pretty helpful for both fragmentation of mind as well as bodhicitta. The way I do it is sort of a reality check on the moment. It is simply questioning what I'm doing in the moment and feeling clearly "where" that motivation comes from, and whether there is unity in that motivation.
About bodhicitta, I've stopped trying to "generate" it, but instead just recognize it and grow it. If I don't recognize it as already being there, it's a sign to cut through.
The ability to make decisions is naturally hinges on recognition. Once the clarity is there, it's very obvious which decisions need to be made in the moment and which don't, as well as the quality of that decision with respect to others. 
The thing that Norbu said hit a chord in me because it was relatable. To actually do mahamudra, we have to be thinking, feeling and doing from the perspective of bodhicitta. For me, switching the context on my experience like that immediately establishes right view.

Oskar: Hm, ok, thank you  About bodhicitta, I've stopped trying to "generate" it, but instead just recognize it and grow it. - I will try this
Oskar: I think making right decisions is a bitch, as long as there is fear in me this "intuition" is just really bad.

M: May I ask where the fear is coming from?

Oskar: I dont know! I have done so much trauma therapy since the summer, like every person I know, situations of various kinds..
I started a practice log, and just today asked out load that question, becuase it feels like I have been going through alot of stuff and it has released, but then its still there and I dont have more things to look into
though I guess there is, but..
in dharma overground
but the body is very transparent and it feels I am closer to "the source" than ever 
like I try thinking of this that scares me, and though maybe the thought of death or some person creates some reaction, I cant seem to dig it up completely.
things that scares me*
Maybe loose of control...

M: 
Yeah for me fear has always been a control issue
Like a habitual reaction to instability itself, which the thinking mind tries to solve because it doesn't realize that there is grasping/rejection that's actually creating the problem. Thinking mind can't solve it though, instead I have to mentally and physically embrace the instability itself.

Oskar: a fuck, I dont wanna embrace instability!
just kidding, you are right. And worst is that when that spontaneity happens, its so safe
but yes, it feels like I am mostly done with the controlling part of traumas, like doing person a, b,c and so forth, and no its more free falling
and I cant "controll" that, but maybe I am making it harder than it needs to be.


M: <3 

A difference in perspective can sometimes help:- thinking of rigpa as a special kind of mental state you need to make an effort to maintain vs realizing that you have no choice and are already in rigpa all the time whether you like it or not (and the thought that you are not in rigpa or need to make an effort to remain in rigpa is ... just another thought arising in rigpa!)

Spot on George, its tricky buisniss. Still one gets trapped though  

Should mentioned about "doing nothing love" or absolute perspective on boddhicitta. 

This is pointed out by a teacher, and means you see the interconnectedness of you and others. This is included in one sense from the first pointing out of, recognizing "knowngness", though with insight could need more clarification, thus the teacher helps you with that. 

Doing nothing love also might sounds very contradictory and "lazy", but thats not what I mean here, but by not doing anything and recognizing your actual state beyond clinging, you see that there is interconnectedness with you and others, meaning no separation, and so love becomes a natural expression (though this is on and off). Essentially this realization yields no me or others, but I am not there yet, so this is just how things are at the moment.

That's ok - thoughts about it being a tricky business, thoughts about getting trapped ... all just a nice little rigpa-drama where we get to pretend that we could be having a different experience from the one we are already having.

Some thoughts on how the last months have been, finnishing of the "FLASHBACKS". 

It has been as mentioned alot of practice, seeing external phenomena as pure awarness/pure perception, which have meant alot relational stuff, like knots related to people in my life. What is curious with this practice is how I have to see again and again, that I am the creator of suffering. Doesnt mean people have not been acting bad, but nevertheless the issues comes about from my clinging, so though I say "external" the change is always in my own mind. 
In reference to persons, it has not been one sitting with person x, and then next day person y. I have thought I have been done with one, and then weeks later it pops up again. The roots go deep, and it seems to be arbitrary what is most pressing and needs attention from day to day.
Another curious thing is how much release there has been. All the previous shifts have to more or less degree meant some kind of relief, but this autumn there has been almost every day in smaller or lesser degree, like running downhill. Sometimes it has been tiring, and also as in one of my previous posts, I feel sometimes stuck.
Also situations, like fear of war and disasters or social anxiety are things that are worked with in the exact same way. 

There also is a feeling that there is something "stuck" in terms of expression, like fear and conceptual thoughts messes up how its natural to express my self, which is something I have thought about from time to time, it also gives a feeling of stickyness or dishonesty. I got some help from another sangha friend about this which helped, and also samaya and bodhicitta practices has proven to be essential, but its still there. 

There have been several small cessations. In the beginning as I wrote this was quite dramatic (like three years ago), but now it isnt anymore.

Also the last retreat I joined with Kim I felt every day extremely strong love, I have never felt like that beofre. Difference is the soberness in it, like you simply see how the state of affairs are for beings, no absorbtion and no exctasy. There was just clean human empathy in it, and it was with me also the day after the retreat, but havent come back. I said to Kim it almost scared me, and he asked why. In which I rambeled something about giving up to love, and loose of control, which he said that there is something for you to work on. But it has not happened since, so will see. 

Also the dreams is something I have thought about which I wrote earlier, but not sure how to go about this at the moment, or if it is right assesment though I think it is. 

Think that cover the main topics from this autumn. 

Oskar

A couple of things from the last days/weeks. I found out through discussing with Malcolm, I have had awful strong clinging to Pemako teahings, that I am afraid of loosing. This was helpful to see (if you read this Malcolm, thanks again for the discussion, still dont agree with you though ;)). I think there has been an extra need for me to defend my inclination for these teaching, considering we are quite unorthodox, than what is normal and have caused alot of negative protection mechanisms and clinging, also arrogance.. 
This led me into a couple of days where I almost didnt meditate, not of choise, but becauset something dropped off seeing this, and meditation would more happen by itself, maybe that mean it has been a big samskara. 

Also thought abou the heart sutra, no eyes, ears, nose etc.. both Kim and Daniel brown, and I also read recently Hakuin commentary on the Heart Sutra, talk about this insight in terms of the wave in the ocean metaphor. I asked a sangha member about it and she gave this decription in her experience: 

- So,no eyes, ears, nose (etc, no sekse organs). For me this is a desctiption of the natural state. in its most autentic form, it is not an experience for just one sense (seeing, hearing, smelling). It is a state that encompasses everyting. And as it is empty there are no selfing attachments or desires attached to the senses. Hence no eyes, no ears, no nose.
-You could also think of no eyes, ears, nose as form is emptiness emptiness is form. Meaning.
Meaning that as even if we use these organs (form), the input we get from them is empty and without attachments (emptiness). And to ecperience emptiness, we need input (form) without attachments.

- Oskar: The input we get from them is empty and without attachments.. in what sense id this input to the senses empty? Empty without attachment I mean, could you elaborate? Say more about this description.

- I mean that the perceiving of the input of these senses is empty. You are not analysing what comes in, just observing
No analysis, no conseptualisation, just being present to what arises

- Oskar: Do you find that to be passive in a sense?

- Yes, in a way. You are not engaging with the input, so in that sense passive. But there is no decision to be passive, it just is

Oskar: But in everyday life, do you feel passive there as well?

- Not at all. On the contrary 

Oskar: But how does that entail that form "is" emptiness. Like, is the eyes, ears

- Like two sides to a coin. You need one for the other, but neither are one
Fuck. That's almost a koan  

(skipped some parts of the conversation due to random messages that was outside the point)

Also attended a retreat this weeken, same as last time, the love aspect has been huge. But again, very sober and clear. Just flipping into awarness these days, with the help of Kim, "includes" all beings automatically, and so you cannot not feel compassion . 
Also thought about the ocean metaphor, and would have moments where I become completely centerless. Like not in the sense as described earlier with space dissapearing/is non-existent. There is still separation in terms of me and others, like this neutralness you get stuck in, which gives a sense of having a center. But this then would drop, and I got some sense of being a wave so to speak, not having a center, though completely balanced, meaning no fancy "merging" with phenomena orbeing "huge", just seeing things as they are. Also meditation would happen more outside the cussion, no effort or intention, and still its there and thoughts "liberate" themselves.. will see how long this lasts  
Cheers

Osk

Like no sense of space, doesnt translate as no me and others in my experience. These two are separate inquiries. There is still me and others, creating separation.. This separation to me manifests as being very foggy, like clinging to subtle foggyness, drowzyness, blizz and depression like state. In Pemako this is called substrate counsciousness. Some of this dropped during this weekend retreat, but its been a pain in the ass for me and I suspect some more is left. This has made me very passive and lazy at times, and joyless like not finding things to have joy or meaning in them. Will work on it, and put it here if something happens. 

Also it seems right to think that since compassion seems to be the thing that is central now, as empty awarness, that I should focus more on this in my practice, also to counter that foggyness and apathy, so might change abit how I practice forward in that regard. 

Morning practice: physical yoga and rainbowbody yoga 1 hour
evening practice: guru yoga ca 1 hour

No more wave in the ocean since the weekend, so didnt last long. Though some lighter experiences. 

Been thinking about relation between dependent origination, tantra and Dzogchen (especially DO and Dzogchen), and been reading some of the Marshland Flowers by Rana Rinpoche today and yesterday, and some Tsonkhapa. Though goes slow, and my brain is not wired for the heavy Tsongkhapa stuff at all, I have a little book in Praise of Dependent Relativity which I try to read small bits on way to work, and a big one Ocean of Reasoning, which I always give up at first or second page).

Focusing on compassion practice most of the day, and when not feeling it, feeling guilt and doubt instead lol, trying to feel compassion to myself too (ever tried self-tonglen?) which I have never been good at. Also feeling and investigating various stagnated channels outside the body on daily basis, small ones infront and on the sides, and some on top and bottom of central channel which is connected with body again. Most of the aura feels free, but those bits that I can sense per this day is more than enough for me to get quite foggy unless I do something, maybe there is stuff there I cant feel too, more subtle stuff? Periods of the days some small channels might pop, and rigpa is there for a couple of minuts, though not the wave has happened again, just lighter clearity. They pop if I either do mantras or vizualisations there, or direct energy from the top or bottom central channel which is the same as mantras in terms of energy/blessings, also compassion is central, like you cant "reach" so far outside the body without directing focus outwards/compassion, also it loosens the fixation grip, which in turn is refelcted in the channels (fixating tightens the channels, no fixation loosens them in my experience).
Generally tired, lightly depressed and demotivated these days. 

Wrote in the sangha group yesterday that compassion almost hurt sometimes. It actually feels like I never have felt true empathy before recently, and few other glimpses. It seems like the thin viel I am working with is apathy, it feels like an inviseble wall that is there but almost goes unnoticed. I think its the protective mechanism to not engage in other beings suffering, and that this viel as mentioned some places in this log have dropped away a few times. And its in a sense painful, like shocking to really see peoples situations if only for brief moments. They value their lives exctly as I do but have no means to get out of their confusion, how long can this last for someone?
Several passages from Buddhahood without meditation gives a perfect characteristic of clinging to this sort of passive/ neutral consciousness I think I am working with now:

"Nevertheless, many kinds of emptiness seemed to be ethically neutral"... “Without knowing this mode of being, many people take as their path a passive state of consciousness that does not distinguish between the mind and pristine awareness. They grasp at outer appearances as ethically neutral entities bearing their own intrinsic characteristics. [326] Inwardly, they are tightly bound by the chains of reifying their own bodies as ethically neutral and permanent."

Also, as the qote says, this neutralness is not awarness, you cannot have full rigpa moments and stay neutral/not seeing others suffering, having glimpses of non-dual awarness you cannot help feeling love for others. I heard Daniel Brown say that a sign that you get it is that it moves your heart, and that is  certainly very accurate. And this really scares me, because there are numberless sentient beings and I feel I have only shortcommings from top to bottom,  still there is a sense of responsibilty. 
Also its really subtle, like I can say and think good things about a person and appearantly being nice, and then see right after that I wasnt truly kind, but it was just another reification of this neutral state due to my habitual clinging. So I have spent some time noticing this, and for the first time I feel that off cusion work actually can be better, because this is when I engage with people and can easier bust myself being careless to someone, while I easier fool myself when I am back home alone and dont have this interaction to properly validate if my caring is correct so to speak.
Also it is clearer what is the difference between the absorbtions in compasison vs rigpa compassion. First one, just being a selfish absorbtion in this neutral consciousness and kind of "being nice" though getting a kick out of it, and its pleasurable so no wonder I and others can get lost there, while the latter is deep non-duality, essentailly inseperable from emptiness. Its clear and natural. Since karmic files are worked out to a larger degree, it is harder to get into this typical absorbtion as I discussed in one of my conversation with a sangha member in this log earlier, but looking at it now it still will happens if not on gard its just much much subtler. 

About why compassion is connected to emptiness from my point of view:
There have been very short waves again the last two days, and the notion of awarness being non-dimensional. Also, contemplating the notion of no eyes, no ears etc.. that I discussed with my sangha friend. So this is what my experience at this point says, might have to edit it later though as it has only been shortlasting and I think not very thorowly experienced. 

There are clinging to very subtle concepts like "green is green", "sounds are sounds", making sounds and colors (etc..) seem to have true existence, in other words, making it seem like all the objects of my senses have true existence. This beliefe in true existence then is not due to the objects out there having true inherent existence, but the clinging/beliefe to these subtle concepts, this happening in ones own mind. When this has happened, I still see that green is green, sounds are sounds etc.. but also it becomes totally relative, there is no "locking" to this truth, and so there is freedom from it and whatever implications it might have (which I need to look more into later). When this happens the pharse that there are no eyes, ears, sounds actually makes totally sense, because that is exactly how it is like, though eyes, colors and so forth obviously still are there, and I can perfectly fine say stuff about my eyes, and describe colors I see. Not sure what more to say about it at this point but the experience is accompanied by: 1)  cero clinging and complete spontaneity 2) deep sense of freedom and 3) compassion, becuase you dont experience division between you and the external world, you see others rather than engaging in your projections of them. 

It feels good to contemplate these things out loud, hope I will have more to say about it soon as I think this is very immature still, will then correct if some of this I have written here is off, or experience changes. 

good stuff!

you might like some of the ideas about compassion discussed here: https://unfetteredmind.org/four-immeasurables-class-5/

Thanks Shargol, I feel wierd sometimes  writing about these things, so your words is encouraging
I read some of the text, liked this one:

"And in experiencing it, but not believing in it, we create the possibility of actually being able to see what is happening and seeing what is appropriate to do. Seeing what the other person actually needs."

getting to the wisdom aspect of compassion, instead of the ignorant kind, thats important.
Best wishes!

Should not say "weird" really, but its a bit fragile maybe for me to talk about these things, espcially when there is so much shit in me at the same time, I dont  know how it looks from the outside   

I felt like sharing some words a sangha member wrote of how her compassion practice has been that really struck my heart, its heartbreaking thinking of the kindness there can be in one person in this disaster world, and I feel very fortunate to know some people like this. Its from the context of me saying how compassion has started to get very real and almost painful at times and that I feel I have been shutting it down for too long, and also how another woman felt more like it could be too much, being an empath her whole life and it was more about recovery from taking in to much at one point, without knowing how to transform it into emptiness. Per this date, this woman recently finnished her purification process as done in Pemako, not meaning this as advertisement for Pemako, but its good stuff regardless.
Also I took note here, that it was not a formal practice for her, its not like: think like this, vizualise like that, say your prayer like this, like stagnated or ruitine practice. Its just raw truth and bravery, and very human, not buddhist or christian or anything like that. Though I would say that emptiness practice is essential for it not getting out of hand.

"Yes, so heartbreaking and overwhelming when you really start to realize it... you wouldn't know how much I've cried when started to open up for suffering of other beings and actually f e e l the pain of others. Since that I've always kept in my mind "I will never leave you". 

"Yes, heart recovery it is, very much. And same with me, I've always sensed others' emotions and pains easily. In bhumi wise, around 7-9 bhumi perfection I started to visit hell realms, deep dive in there without any protection. First it was almost too much. But that's what Ksitigarbha did."

Not sure who said it, but felt like expressing the prayer that goes something like:

may boddhicitta arise where it does not exist,
and where it exist may it rise even higher

May beings be free from confusion and suffering _()_ 

Feeling inspired, so here are some more thoughts on compassion.

I have never been very good with relations, whatever kind they are,friends, relative and so on, also being very introverted  by nature often feeling I dont need relationships.. I often feel guilty because I dont know how to help people, what is the right thing to say, do, for someone that thet might feel better. Or when not wanting to put my own ass on the line for others, when maybe I should have. Also being very frustrated when I dont know how to relate, like someone having an issue that I have never had, and then not being able to feel how they feel, I feel distance, and maybe so do they. This existential seperation was actually something I read by Irvin Yalom aout 7-8 years ago, as a typical human trait met in psychiatry settings, that this separation one feel from others is painful, and sometimes leads to various relational issues. And it was great someone finally putting this sort of missery I have felt so much into words.

So, I felt like writing my story on how compassion has been something I have pondered through my life, starting by saying how I didnt get it at all, and still feel I dont get it at times or being insufficent, especially in simple relational settings. Though lately it has changed quite a bit, from this small glimpes I have mentioned.
Also when studying I remember spending alot of time thinking about it, that "com-passion", literarily translate with-feeling (and its the same in norwegian), was sort of allien, like how do I know I am not engaging in my own projections, why would I like to feel what others feel, is it actually possible to litterarily feel what others feel? Or is does with-feeling, mean something else, like not litterarily a merge, but close to? It really really baffled me and I thought about it alot. Some people seem to do this, like litteraly feel what other feel, and I guess people that are very close this is more the case. I certainly is easily affected by peoples emotions and energy, and there has almost always been a great deal of symphaty, like  finding it painful when I see other suffer and want to get them out of it, often followed by the frustration of not knowing how.

A friend of the family told me that when I was very small I used to spend alot of time talking about making inventions for people to get enough water in dry lands, and w hat to be the best way to help as many people as possible. I have almost no memory of this, though some. She said she had never seen a kid be so invested in anything like that. Also I remember I had cergery as a child, and had a lot of stomac pain due to it, and that I would keep saying to myself that I will do this my whole life if it only would make the lives better for some more unfortunate than I, which there are many off (usually thinking about kids in Africa, as that was my reference point at the time). Also I would often give away all my money to church cases. Though I also was an asshole to people at times, bullying people in school and stuff like that, so both worlds. 

When I did my first Goenka vipassana retreat, I remember I was unable to feel love, that you are supposed to generate the last days as a kind of healing practice, like I litterarely did not understand how to do it, if it was due to the instructions or too much stagnation and protective mechanisms in me, or just very little development of this through youth and childhood. The second retreat I think it was better though. After having done 2pf, at some point I started this generating practice (thinking of others as your parents for instans), and then it was totally different. It might be various factors, but that opening gives your energy body more space to unfold, and also separation in general has gotten a proper hit, so it was not mysterious anymore, at least not in the same way. 
Jumping forward some. During this winter 2021, I would have longer periods when thinking of all beings being my parents, this blizzfull absorbtion would come about, though I also new this blizz came about due to awarness hitting karmic files, so I sort of didnt mind. Also its possible to get "through" the absorbtion and into rigpa, like you do it untill there is no doing anymore, which would happen sometimes, like pushing through a wall till it breaks or "pops". But it was also really absorbing in the sense that I could not stop thinking about it, and it would be "on" sometimes from the moment I woke up, like if its something I needed to realize or understand. In this periods there was many shifts, and also there would be this deepening of softness around the heart.
But is this caring, or is it blizzing? I did ponder that then, but since it gave results and I felt I understand how it made results in terms of greater clearity, I didnt see it as that big of a problem with some blizzing.
There is more to say of this period, but I dont feel like getting more into it, except it made a big big difference that this focus suddenly started to change, like now this is trying to get the center of my practice, though I cant say it is really, except maybe for short moments, though it should be. 

Now, this strong emphathy start to happen, and its as I wrote, is a bit shocking, maybe because it is new to me, or maybe its like that for everyone going through the same thing? So the whole thing has got a new taste, and it feels actually even more important than before. Like not just mostly important in the beginning to think about it and generate it, but even more important now, much more important! Also, and this is important, it is natural,  its once actual state, so though psychological reprogramming might be very important or essential along the way, in the end it has always been there. Makes you think, right? And this is lovely, and the reason I felt like mentioning my early years, because I start to feel I can relate to people, like properly be of service. Even though as I mentioned their issues are not something I have experienced myself I feel the terrain has changed, and its getting more there. 

I have during this path felt alot of frustration, that when the mind changes or rewire I can get a feeling of being further away from others. For example most people have had no awakening experiences, big or small. Or say at this point I actually dont experience time the same way anymore, and I cant change this even if I want to, thats pretty crazy right? So getting further from others in the sense that most people dont have this experience at all, so they cant relate to me and that can be lonely, especially in more shitty periods of practic when I wish I never began this dharma adventure in the first place. But now this has changed, like dharma is not something that is good or bad, its just the nature of things. I feel closer to people, that I know them more, that I care and can meet them as they need to be met, without being overly emotional or invsted or "trying", because the closesness is there and have always been there. At least to some degree, which nurish the idea that it can be like this constantly. When I think about it, this is probably the biggest change, acually better than the two others of not having to deal with that heavy emotional scars anymore and in general experience of life and mind being very different. 

Long text, thanks for reading, have a good night  _()_ 

Today practice: 
- Yeshe Tsogyal Guru Yoga
- Varjavarahi
- Avalokiteshvara
- White tara

The feeling of compassion keeps growing, it feels like my heart want to break, like this life is completely worthless if it does not reach complete liberation so that it can be of benefit and service to others. I was supposed to make dinner two hours ago, but ended up chanting tara mantra and feeling the suffering around me for 2 hours instead.. Feels like something is building up, energy from heart mainly spreading everywhere in the body, and the channels in the body that are twisted starts to unravel so that it can to happen. They are twisted due to my own confusion and ignorance and clinging. Thinking about it most of the time, suffering is everywhere really, need to realize it more though. 

May all beings be free

"This doesnt change anything whatsoever about the stuff you percieve, except the clinging to them, which is really subtle, like the whole thing was so subtle and at the same time made massive difference, like if you put a grey lense over your color camera, though its just a very thin layer, it will make what appear very different. I did not see this before, and it baffled me really how sublte this was compared to previous "enemies" of the mind, which was easier to distinguish."

​​​​​​​<br /><br />Nice!<br /><br />Yeah, so it's interesting how this insight leaves us in a bit of a conundrum - are things real or are they false? Do I trust my perceptions and behave as if they are real... and what could be the alternative?<br /><br />A big part of this is recognizing that all perceptions have some uncertainty, so never 100% believe/commit to a course of action. It might be right behavior and it might be wrong behavior and it is basically impossible to know ahead of time. But _the_willingness_to_change_ is the important thing. When we are acting out of a strong sense of identity, we will be unwilling to change our thoughts/behavior. When we are acting out of a medium sense of identity, we will struggle but be able to change. When our identity is not being defended, change is easier.&nbsp;<br /><br />Mastering right action isn't only about doing the right thing 100% of the time. It's also willingness to change action when we realize we are not 100% correct.<br /><br />It can be really enjoyable to hang around with people who are capable of this. Conversations become fun and interesting explorations instead of violent debates. Travel becomes fun because it's a group exploration instead of "following the itinerary". And meditation practice becomes fun because each person explores what interests them instead of "following the program".<br /><br />Anyway, great insight!

But _the_willingness_to_change_ is the important thing.
Haha, read your comment while listening to the song "Issues" by Julia Michaels felt very fitting for this point, but very much agree with you Shargrol, you make good points.

Osk

From the 37 practices of a boddhisatva

Nr.31 If you don't examine your own errors, You may look like a practitioner but not act as one. Therefore, always examining your own errors, Rid yourself of them - This is the practice of Bodhisattvas.

Read your comment again, some comments from my perspective if ok?

Yeah, so it's interesting how this insight leaves us in a bit of a conundrum - are things real or are they false?
- Things as such are neither real or false, but there is the "layer" of selfing/identity to whatever that distort that fact, ok? Making things seem good or bad, true or false etc... Still ethics exist is inherent in this insight because its non-dual and thus relates to others and their suffering and the way out of that suffering.

so never 100% believe/commit to a course of action
- I find this really hard, like do the right thing, thinking about it all the time and hate that my "issues" and lack of clearity makes me a couvard and struggle to express this well, though my current notion is that if spontaneous non-dual rigpa is recognized, ethics are "included" due to point from earlier. So in my view, ethics if you are good at it, is essential before rigpa is uninterupted 100%. So this also my answer how to "master" ethics if that is truly possible, but is need along the way constantly. 

Agree that our sense of identity is what makes us rigid and stubborn, hmmm but we need determination, we need faith (or at least in tantra its essential), but is this contradictory? 

It can be really enjoyable to hang around with people who are capable of this. Conversations become fun and interesting explorations instead of violent debates.

- you think its enjoyable? I get shit scared the couple of times I have met some high lama or teacher, though amazed about their confidence and drive and compassion, some of these meating still sits with me and I am eternaly greatful for it  

Thanks for your comment. Other thoughts keep em comming

Saw that the post I did that Shargol commented on was gone, but luckely its in my e-mail spam filter:

​​​​​​​Yesterday I did one more session of Guru Yoga. Really cool thing that happened is that I felt that daytime dreaming for the first time became very clear. I am going and try to explain how I see dreaming at from today and yesterdays experience, and this might again change with time as it feels like I just now started to smell the meanig of this insight. 
There is no difference between day and night and dreams, except in night the body rests more or deeper, and one gets more sucked into dreams. I have heard this before, but yesterday it suddenly made complete sense. I say more, because I would say one is pretty consumed in dreams during the day as well. This is what happened yesterday; that I saw this deafalt dream mode or conciousness in waking state. To explain it I will use a metaphor I never really understood before myself before yesterday, though I see something like it regularily in dharma litterature. Like if you percieve the mirrage in a lake of the star sky, and you are completely entranced by the stars and planets and dark blue colors playing out on the lakes surface, though while looking at the water these images they are not actually real. I think the mirrage is real, and I behave accordingly. Meaning, I get scared, fixate, happy etc by the images in the water!.. Yesterday, this type of dream consiousness suddenly stood out, meaning, it was clear that these images is really the ocean. This doesnt change anything whatsoever about the stuff you percieve, except the clinging to them, which is really subtle, like the whole thing was so subtle and at the same time made massive difference, like if you put a grey lense over your color camera, though its just a very thin layer, it will make what appear very different. I did not see this before, and it baffled me really how sublte this was compared to previous "enemies" of the mind, which was easier to distinguish.
I couldnt say at this point really if its exactly the same kind of mind that appears in dream, but it felt like the same if I am going to go stricktly on intuition, like the drowzy, deafault repetative stream you get in and out of during the day of daydreaming, but are pretty stuck in during the night, I guess since you break out of it alot during the day they wont get that far in their expression of say nightmares, though I think there are examples that actually do suggest that this happens as well.
Also need to mention there have been seeing the thoughts as awarness countless times, so its a particular thing that I connect this time with dreamstate, not just wild guess.
My mind was very relaxed and also tired, and so I would fall into daydreaming frequently before bedtime, though the difference was that the mind would imideatly stand out as not a separate state of mind, but exactly the same ocean I had been looking at the moment before. Meaning I litterarily could not fall into daydreaming, which followed me into bedtime, and it was hard to fall asleep (and I dont think I really got any sleep this night),because whenever I wanted to "relax" my mind into this default drowzyness, it would imeadatly recognize itself, and that little kick would keep me awake, though it could be some other reasons for the sleeplessness as well.

Today I have some more experience with it. I can see that the clinging to this default more of daydreaming, actually is connected to fear, the one I have talked about that has accumulated mostly in my throat chakra. I have always been very prone to be sucked into deep daydreaming,  so maybe this has been a way of dealing with some fear, or maybe the appearing of the dreams and daydreams as real or the "I" in the dream as real, is the momentum needed to cause some kind of trauma or samskara on its own, or both. Its certainly true that clinging to this state is a cause for actual emotional and physical pains I have experienced in life, and that it distorts perception in general, probably both day and night but this I will have to figure out more thorrowly.

Also, here using the metaphor of appearance in and ocean. I would add that this is not exactly the same as the wave in the ocean I have written about earlier, which had the deep sense of love and spontaneity, which this didnt in the same way though still same awarness.

Hope I will get some sleep tonight, looking forward to explore this further as its not really something I have thought much about before so cool to suddenly have it drop in my lap. 

Last post was written actaully written monday. 

Some further experience on this. 
After the time-thing-insight happened this summer, there is this part of cognition that is still more or less all the time, like frictionless. At the same time, there is this substrate, drowzy repetative state, which I think at this point both from how I percieve it as well as from sangha members accounts, that relates to dreams, though both day and night, though I hope I will be able to confirm if this is true or not at some point. 
I would say first is percieved as still, the second is motion, like a subtle drowzy stream. The bothering thing, which I have been getting into several times, is the neutral apathetic drowzyness I get into, and I guess clinging to these states, though I seem to be saying that this relates to the second "motion" part, I think the combination of both, like clinging to either one, is where I am stuck. Either wanting it to be still, or wanting my endless stories to be of help or mainly, believe that the person in them is actually there. The love sessions have been essential to hack the "fault" in this state. 

So motion and stillness. I know these concepts are used traditionally, and I guess they relate to how both are expressions of rigpa though havent read about it really. But thats what I have been focusing on the last days, integration of some kind, it felt very intuitive when I got the smell of it. The reason I use the words now is that the latter part, motion, is so sublte which made it hard to pinpoint earlier, and so labeling it as motion helps rather than to say look into each thought, and it made much better perspective on the whole terrain in my own case for this substrate, not sure about others though, and the comparison to the constant stillness is essential. 
So been doing this intergration, basically ati yoga, but having in mind the two modes, and it really started to looseing. What happens parallell to this, is that since this subtle motion stream, identity of some kind, relates to various channels, these have started to crack as well, mainly around the eyes, neck and troat mainly. Which begs the question, is it enough to just focus on the cleaning of the channels and compassion, or is the emptiness practice the clue? I leave this for the reader to ponder

Oskar

The love sessions have been essential to hack the "fault" in this state. 

- the fault being that you dont care in this state even though it can be comfortable (though not always hehe). Which is me and you perspective.

So should stop predicting whats going to happen I think, practice need to go in its own pase and not get too enthusiastic every time something moves. I still struggle to get to that substrate shit, but small steps happens, just be patient. I think I remember I read tulku urgyen having a good description of this subtle stream in the book dzogchen preliminaries, will see if I can find it if there is a free version out there if it fits with my experience or not.

Normal practice, had a deity yoga session with dorje drakpo today, and recieved a new empowerment thursday, with hindu deities(!) which was a new experience, comparing to buddhist deities its a very different feel, and some warnings from Kim to not blizz out if wanting to do this practice. At the moment though I think I stick to buddhist ones, I get a bit bhakti at times but mostly I prefer buddhist dharma, though christianity and taosim has always been very dear to me. 

Also has been more of these strong compassion session, seems to happen on its own in a way, though I want it to keep moving in that direction and keeps practing tara and lokeshvara and contemplate. 
Relaxed weeken at my grandmas house now. Cheers. 

Sorry the name of the book is the dzogchen primer. 

Couldnt find a free version lol.. sorry for the trouble, happy if someone finds and share.

Something has shifted, I think the dream insight + some more contemplating and shifts did the trick. For some days now it has felt like I am living in a pure land, or that this very earth is a pure land, light, spontaneous and naturally subtle blissfullness, and fresh openness, the heavy stickyness that have been hanging over me for a long time seem to have vaporised at least some chunks of it !!!  
One night when I went to bed, it felt like I was surrounded by buddhas, like blessings naturally occuring from all directions, I had some new wild idea of the "one hand clapping" koan (which is the third or forth by now haha), also it made perfect sense why the circle(enso) is drawd in zen which I have never thought about before, as it feels like all my practice is just doing a full circle, hard to explain in one way though exceptionally simple really. Like really really simple. 
There is still engagements in dreams, though less, which makes me doubt my initial hypothesis if dreams would be fully purified by this point, or if I am all the way through on this one or if dreams is not all purified in one go but needs more work. Also might differ from person to person, as I asked around abit and people had various things to say which didnt really relate to my theory as I wanted  
It does make perfect sense that dream and day consciousness does not differ one bit, meaning rigpa is same awake or asleep makes no difference, though deep sleep still feels like a blank spot actually. There is this practice which needs empowerment which we use to check if all related chacras to your level has been purified or not, which I should check out. But the new perspective is so "fresh" and different from all others this autumn, that I am optimistic. 

Today though, shit has started to surface again. There has been periods the last days where there was as if toxic smoke was released from my throat chackra, and alot changed, but not enough so the good old knot of fear is back, though slightly smaller and hopefully less toxic. 
Also some hopelessness and depression started happen again today. 

Practice. I have been doing one practice alot during the day related to substrate mind purification, this one is not shared publicly, and I havent done it before on my own really, but now it does wonders. Alot of wrathfull deities though. Also back to doing alot of pure view, starting to understand that there still is this "me and other" distinction happening in the mind, which I think is the main cause for why fear has accumulated. Small periods of strong compassion, I talked to some in the sangha about it, that it freaks me out a bit for various reasons but also is exactly the way I want to go, which they all could sympathise with and all have had the same experience and some really sound advices. But also this carelessness and apathy sneaks back, and I imideatly feel like being full of shit and hypocrocy which is a nasty feeling and the main reason for not doing a log like this as its so much up and down and I know sometimes I send out nasty energy (from reading my own stuff again later, gosh)..
Also I keep getting back to Dudjom Lingpas Buddhahood without meditation as one of the books that have followed me for a long time, it seems like the chapter on dorje drollo and onward works for me now, at least some of it though I dont get all of the language in the book. "Reduce all of samsara and nirvana to emptiness, reduce emptiness to the essential nature of reality; reduce this essential nature to the ground of being, reduce samsara and nirvana to displays of this ground, and reduce the entirety of samsara and nirvana to this very ground.... thus you will become a yogi who embrace samsara and nirvana". inbetween this he actually use the reflection in an ocean metaphor I talked about earlier but I think this ocean is a bit different again (like he uses it alot for various insights, meaning various clinging-concepts as displays of rigpa, actually something interesting to think about that same metaphor can work on various insights). Emptiness, nature of reality, ground of being. honestly I take all of them to mean rigpa. Emptiness, can have conceptish conotation. Nature of reality, I think works when you see how natural dharma is, loosing all cultur/religion aspects, ground of being, not sure really but I guess pure dzochen practice..? .. still though, essentially synonyms, though makes sense to chop them up when practicing, also "displays of the ground".. hmm... 
I dont know if its meant to be pondered differently with guidance from a teacher and pointing out transmissions, but works for me as a side pondering/helper and it seems to be saying that basically all fixations that are left- making the distinction of samsara and nirvana- you reduce to rigpa. From practice point of view, the fixation is really subtle at this point, even though the concequence -samsara and nirvana- is huge/ all encompassing. Taking them as the trouble maker nr.1, enables you to hook a hold of the subtless in the concepts creating them, like with an umbrella you will get any tiny drop of water you want even though the umbrella is big and clumsy. At least this is how I understand it. Again, samsara and nirvana distinction, comes about due to fixation and concept-clinging, not outside stuff, though it didnt make sense to ponder like this before so it has to come in right time after other ground work is done.
Also, my reason for applying this interpretation is because if I read this sentence my mind get super clear like it "works" on me instantly, which has happened before, so I trust this. 

For what it’s worth, I think purifications probably continue as long as you are alive. Also they are entirely a function of your conditioning, so not something you really have much control over anyway, other than the ability to let go and allow what is happening anyway to happen.
​​​​​​​
I think you are spot on with the stuff about concept clinging. Having a trust in your intuition and your mind’s ability to clarify itself is super important. That’s basically what’s going on here. Your mind already has plenty of experiences of this kind of clarity, it’s just that they tend to get pushed away out of fear or ignored in favor of concepts that sound more interesting. So yeah, anything which feels like it suddenly “works” with clarity is definitely the right direction to be heading … It’s already right here, we just need to trust our own ability to let ourselves see that.

George. 

About purification, the discussion with me and Malcolm probably went abit too far I am happy that I was  wrong in that biological and emotions and drives are purified due to emptiness practice, though I never meant to say that I know its what it sounded like , and that I lack insight to respond to related issues I am afraid. I posted an article where Kim talks about this in that chat, and in general no, basic biological stuff will not be purified and one should not try to.. some stuff is just there due to flawed perception, and needs to be purified though/or will be purified when insight happens or both. But not sure if I want to get into that discussion again, maybe in the other chat if you feel like it? 

Hmm, about concepts being more interesting, maybe sometimes. But listen. To use the concept of time, or "I", to analyze it, as a measure to see through the delusion of time or delusion of "I", is not getting deluded into the concept, is it? Using rigpa 1, and concept 2, is my way to go, mixing. I need some thinking, and then I wish I was better at relaxing completely, but its hard for me and has always been. This is how I see its been done in the book I refer to, some rigpa and some explicit mind-concepts to know what to look at, when one concept is "done"/sealed the deal, you move on to the next one being the object of fixation. Just like koans. 

Funny thing just happened though after writing that post, mind dropped completely Concept had nothing to fixate on, leaving them weightless and empty, still fresh. 
Thanks for your reply.

Oskar

Today rigpa after the first post, lasted for 5-10 minuts.

Thoughts of me and others have no basis or truth, empty like clouds. Deep sense of utter freedom, sense objects and perciever is of one taste. Lasted longer and "deeper" than ever before. Now back again. 

Today. Up and down, up and down. Yeshe Tsogyal guru yoga, Phet! shouting, investigating the mind and energy body, thin layers are enough to cause missery. Feels like I am a sticky ball of depression and negativity that got lost in a pure land lol, wonder if that sentence has been written somewhere before? Then mind drops and no problem, depression is pure too, has no owner, then back on again. Gratefull I can turn to gurus and blessings come even though I feel like a piece of shit that is not worth it. All realms and pure lands are within the same view, all gurus, all beings. 
Namo Yeshe Tsogyal Namo Guru Rinpoche.

What a dumb post, sorry. Trying a bit too hard here. 

Today have been up and down, parts very clear and parts anoyance and fear. Decided at one point I just have to sit it out and relax. The back and forth continues, after a negative serie awarness often becomes even stronger or clearer, like increasing. Wrote this to a sangha member today:

- But understand that me and others happens in the mind, all realms, beings, gurus are in the same view. And that there should be no preference to where nature of mind should be recognized.

This last point is important, even though I already knew and many teachers says exactly this, it felt suddenly more important, there cant be preferences for where recognition takes place, huge mistake. 

I wrote yesterday that all pure lands are in same view, thought about it and think thats wrong in the sense that one need thogal to unlock this and I got carried away, unification of bliss and emptiness (thogal) is I think how pure lands are completely unlocked, the rest is true though from experience, and it feels like this conceptual note that keeps it looks like the guru is one thing, sentient beings are separate from me, and realms are somehwere else are just a tiny label, probably the same label too! which has started dropping off for short moment, which is why I just felt like sharing this as it hasnt happened before though I have heard these things written and said many times. 

Also wrote this hehe: 

- So irritated, dont think this has happened much in the practice, at the point of nausea, but then clear again, then both at same time
But really its fine, being a bit dramatic here. 

Have a good weeken. Oskar. 

Forgot: Alot of wrathfull deity practice today + did a session of  smoke offering + continually investigate energy body, channels where there are still knots and using blessings and mantras on those knots.. + resting and recognizing rigpa as often as I remember. 

Neither the realms of the six classes of beings nor even the pure realms of buddhas exist elsewhere. They are the realm of space, the true nature of phenomena.
Given that they are of one taste in naturally lucid awakened mind, samsara and nirvana are fully encompassed within the scope of awareness.

- Lonchenpa, Basic space of phenomena.

What I have tried to express the last days. Also shoud add that having glimpses of sameness of samsara and nirvana this naturally makes compassion happen, because no separation between me and others. Lonchenpa doesnt write about it I think in his book, but Dudjom Lingpa mentions it several places: 

"The decisive ascertainment of saṃsāra and nirvāṇa as great emptiness is the unsurpassed bodhicitta—the compassion of viewing saṃsāra and nirvāṇa as displays of purity and equality"
..
"Now, having come to a decisive understanding of saṃsāra and nirvāṇa as continuous displays of the one pristine awareness, the scope of your mind is expanded. This is the most sublime of all methods for generating bodhicitta"

- Dudjom Lingpa, Buddhahood without meditation.

Big glimpse this morning laying in bed. Understood for a moment that awarness has always been there, so never was there birth nor is there death. This was followed with stronger love than ever before, for a moment really understanding that immessurable amounts of sentient beings doesnt see this and keep going in circle endlessly, experiencing pain I cant begin to comprehend and I feel guilty just thinking about it, as if I am so arrogant as having any clue how things are for some, especially writing it now not from that same point of clearity.
Then the day took the  turn which seems to be the pattern these days after a new glimpse, very low, been angry, crying and screaming of frustration at times and I dont know where it comes from, like the glimpse this morning didnt even happen.  But seems like bits and pieces are comming together, and small insights happens fast as if I am running down hill these days, but its hard this ping-pong thing that is happening, though could be much worse of course. Also have moments today I felt so grateful to Kim, like just unbelievable the kindness and patient he has shown me. 
I have had periods where I intentionally refreained from reading because seeing some persons realizations at times that is out of my understanding could paralyze me into doubt. Though I sometimes find teachings that says exactly how things are, this being one summarzing todays glimse and another thing I wrote some days ago:

You sense that there is no difference between dying and not dying, and there suddenly arises a certain knowledge of there being no difference between meditative equipoise and subsequent consciousness.

- The Four Yogas of Mahāmudrā Excerpted from Naked Awareness: Practical Teachings on the Union of Mahāmudrā and Dzogchen by Karma Chagmé


Thank you, may all beings be free of suffering _()_ 

Today loads of guru yoga, also attending teaching with mostly sangha people. I asked Kim at a year ago or so if I should stick to one guru or deity in daily practice especially inbetween sits, as we have many empowerments and many gurus, though mainly Guru Rinpoche and Yeshe tsogyal, but he said I should let it come to me. In one sense I wish I could have this "default" deity as I think is most usually practiced(?). But on the pluss side, this opens up for spontaneous guru sessions like today, when suddenly at work I felt Guru Rinpoche very strongly, and asked for his blessing. It was really powerfull, yesterday same happened with guru menla loads of healing energy started to poore over me from guru Rinpoches medicine form. Basically you can do this with any buddha/mahasiddha, a guru who has fully realized emptiness, which has given me a sense of what I am attracted/feel connected to. F.eks this often happens with others as well, like Yeshe Tsogyal or Longchenpa or Jesus when suddenly strong currents of blessings start showering down from their name or image. This spring (?) I found out about the younger Yuthok who founded the medicine lineage and attained full rainbow body, and felt a very strong connection to him. If I vizualize him in front of me it can be like he is in the room sometimes, or if I see a picture of him that picture sometimes become transparent-like. As mentioned this can happen to other gurus as well, but with him it feels unusal close, and I feel I have a connection with him. I told Kim and he said I have. I am currious if I will start remembering past lives at one point, if I will remember him? It feels like he actually was my teacher, and though I sort of dont care what I have been up to previously, it would be interesting to see from that point of view as well.  
I have done the sadhana with him from dr.nidas book a couple of times, but usually prefer this non-official way, which keeps happening from time to time. 
Also since attainment is correlated to subtle energy-body I will often put the guru, at those places where this energy-contraction is happening, which has made it change over time. Like I rarely vizualise him/her over my head anymore (as often is described traditionally) because the knots over the head in the central channel are fully purified, but far out in the aura and in full human size is where the purification needs to happen these days. Guru yoga is the ultimate gift, and has everything included. 

I started too this evening writing about attainments and getting all technical, with attainment and especially in realtion/from the measure of senses and sense object,  but then time ran out and it proved to be alot of thoughts, might look more into it tomorrow and give it a proper ponder. I wont work tomorrow or monday so planning more practicing this weeken. 

I sometimes wonder about the intersection of guru yoga and codependency - looking up to an externalized image of oneself vs seeing one's true nature "from the inside" as it were.

Ok, started writing this morning about this, and it became super lol, hope its worth it and that people will enjoy and have benefit of it and comment if they dissagree or if something doesnt make any sense. It concerns two points, senses and sense object changing with insight and partial vs full rigpa. 


Have been pondering this a couple of times and talked to others about it, and felt like sharing what is my experience with how senses and sense experience change as some insight has happened. Have written about it earlier in this log here and there, but felt like summarizing, partly for my own sake as something to reflect on I have found helpful and partly because it is common ground I think for other practitioners regardless of practice.

So, I guess pre-insight, there is a person experiencing sounds experience being; “I am listening to that river”. Then what happens, at least in my experience with the first insight, is that you see this subjective self to have no true existence. I told a friend who later woke up due to these exact words, that its like “just hearing, seeing”.. he told me he had jumped around in bed telling his girlfriend “babe, its just hearing, seeing! ” when realizing this, which was a funny story when he told it. For me this happened with doing 2pf, though the experience is the same. Its really easy to have this insight btw, if you are keen, no biggie.

Then, the next “big one” I remember with regards to senses specifically, was one point where for weeks there would be on and off, this “sit, hear, taste”, like there is no “sitting” anymore- without the subject- meaning even subtler selfing-mechanisms has been seen through, and everything is experienced as this primitive verbs. I remember things where immensely alive and fresh and it was really wonderful.

Then later on again, there would be this “just sounds”. So example from the river. Its not “listening to the river”, nor is it “now sound from river”, it is “,water, air, breeze”… not sure how to put this really, to further peal down what has been seen through/purified, but lets just say its even more direct, like the person perceiving this has fully understood he is empty, and can experience the world just as it is with no habitual conceptual labelling distorting, which is a very clear experience. I would say its exactly the same thing that is said in Bahiya sutta, that “ In reference to the heard, only the heard. “  Also, as this is an often mentioned insight, I would say that I think there are varies ways of getting to this point, like I know among two contemorary teachers I respect the most; Rana Rinpoche and Daniel brown have different ways to get to this point.
Also when reading trad sources, some of the stuff I read is complete replicated in my own experience, and some are not at all like never happened that way, which I guess is due to different practices or standard within a lineage for this insight to be “passed”, and maybe also person in question. I think Brown says they keep awareness in throughout sleep which I never practiced for example. For me it was about purifying the chacra(s) and center(s), ground related to this, which, accurately made this saying of “just sounds” to make perfect sense when fully purified. After that I guess you can go in and out of that state, and try to stabilize it, but didn’t make sense to me since I knew it was purified and I could get going on the next one. Maybe that’s a way to check if all the saying you read completely correlate to this point or not?
Also I remember as side note, and will get back to this later, that awareness at this point became endless, like it had no beginning or end which I had not recognized before, though exactly same awareness as already after 2pf.

Now comes the interesting point. I read recently, and it made a lot of sense to my own experience, that in the saying “in reference to the heard, just the heard”, you still assume there to be an independent world. Meaning, though the self is pretty empty (I say pretty empty, because I seem to be a mess alot of the time, even though these things happens, so shit happens even though you have some days or weeks like this, though huge difference from before, think others emphasis that one need to keep practice ethics at this point which makes sense to me), but you take the world to exist independently from you, and it being “real”. There are other things too, but this is what stood out to me and made most sense, so it is what I will comment on.
After this you pop the bhumi/ground energy layer which distort your perception of time. Experientially this makes things really still, like this default stillness. Brown talks about no-time insight to give rise to no fluxating of awarness, and that’s how it was for me, like reaching a default stillness in everyday experience. Then with space, there was this merge-ish thing happening, and you understand that in the same way as time, there is no “real” distance in awarness (or “real” time), rigid 3D space with you in regard to “external” phenomana as absolute measures do not exist as such, this to me is what makes the experience be merging, because the artificial distance you have to phenomena suddenly drops when you properly see its actually mind made. At this point I remember using the word one taste about my experience, without having any pre-intention of this stage or that word, its just exactly how it feels. Point here with time and space, is that the outer world seems to be purified too, or said differently, the notion of there being an independent world aside from you is properly tampered with, its simply not true and never was. This to me is when things start to get properly non-dual.

Then it was the issue I wrote about for some weeks and have been current since the summer, about the dream thingy happening in waking state, substrate, fogginess etc.. and how it was that this dropped. Like it was completely obvious that dream states and night states does not differ, it has changed dreaming some, like engagement in them naturally is not occurring as before, though some. Life after this? In waking-state it felt for some days that the earth I walked on was no different from a pure land, but that was the honeymoon. Also, this substrate consciousness was really really slow, when identifying to it you feel like a zombie, which doesn’t happen anymore the same way, though other thought stuff do happen but not like that. Now when looking around in the room, it is like there is no ground anymore. The earth I live on has no solid basis, meaning same is true of any other world or realm, meaning they are of one taste one view or awareness. The distinction that you and your planet is here and then there are some other realms eons away or just some kilometers or meters away is a subtle mind-concept. Meaning this/these world you keep imagining and associate with, all happens in the mind, this is what is purified, so heavens, hell realms planets and so on, same awareness. I also think that this consciousness is what makes the world seem real in dreams when in fact they are of the same taste as waking state awareness, no difference at all. Though curious how other lineages seem to get to this point earlier, or what they do is slightly different? This is how I see it at the moment, lets see if some need adjustment or if some people have thoughts on this.

So wrote these things because it relates to senses again. I have not thought much about it before starting to write this, but here it goes sitting in the room and sensing. In contrast to the phrase “there being just sounds”, its more like; sounds are not appearing outside of me, but its not inside of me either (which I had a few times before experienced, and feels much more psychadelich and wierd). Could also mention how it’s seeing objects in the room doesn’t feel distant from me/my body and sense organs, as if they are separate, but doesn’t feel like it’s the same thing either, like saying “I am the refrigerator” doesn’t make sense, though I am connected to it for sure, and same goes for other “sense objects”. It feels like the insight is halfway done to be honest, but getting there.
Come to this point my mind start grinding like crazy, like I don’t really understand this, like a koan.
 But it feels more like, and have for a while, that awareness and buddhamind is all there is, but then “in” this, subtle solidifying is happening still. But it is a paradigm shift when you go from making the distinction that; I want to reach this point, to; this is the point and it has always been here its here right now, its only some shit still going on so not fully understanding it I am afraid. The leftovers, causes shit as well as has little leverage. I get the impression sometimes from reading that people giving similar explanation about their insights are very stable, maybe they are I don’t know, but its not how I feel, if you have read this thread you probably agree. I read another place that you can go from sponateity, to dark night to one taste in short time, probably in one hour or day doesn’t matter, like no rigid stages in which on excludes the other after getting there, which is much more fitting for my situation.
Might write something later on how I should work from here on, from thoughts I have, reading and some talking I have done with a sangha friend.

So, will say some more about senses and sense object after this second other point.

Awareness, gradual or complete

Ok, now the awareness thing I wanted to write about. After you have one awakening, there is this natural clearity you will experience. Then this increases by more insights, as mention at one point it became evident it never had a beginning or end, it had no time, and no space, and it is there regardless of waking time or sleep. So, familiarity with it and vipashyana, seeing concepts as that awareness gives rise to these insights.
To me, if I am to guess, this is what is called child luminosity, I have no references to this, but its my guess that this is what it means. This is characterized by clear cognizant, and aliveness, and it seemingly increases as you start to untie conceptual habitual patterns, or said differently it starts to unravel. Its not hard to get a taste of this at all, if you shout “phet” repeatedly for 50 or 100 or 300 times, you will get it for sure, also if you have had an insight as with 2pf, or how Daniel ingram teach stream entry, and many other ways to have such a first permanent shift you will get it. Also proper guru yoga should do the trick, being showered in blessings from the buddha or mahasiddha you feel closest to. I think all people have moments in this recognition regardless of practice actually, I certainly had and now some others non-practicioners that said they have had it too. 
Then this summer I had my first experience of total non-meditation, where this waste utterly timeless waste all-pervading state happened. If you have read this log before, this have happened more recently (followed by some emotional turbulence..). Like almost comlete drop of senses and sense object, seeing there was really never any birth or death, utterly centerless. It is also characterized by immense love and actually familiarity (I remember I wrote this to Kim after that first one that it felt I had been there before many times, and then saw Daniel Brown actually mention this about treckchod practice, that its usually familiar to people when recognized). There is no meditation or post meditation in this, and its more like an intent than action in terms of behaviour, as it happens spontaneously though intelligently/wisdom (not random or out of control in any way). It seemed like I got/get some “hits” of this here and there but more recently, putting the pieces together, and its obvious to me that this is the real deal, like starting to get to proper Dzogchen practice now.
The awareness mentioned, that develop, is its child or the scent of it, the rays of the sun, while this is the actuality of it, and I assume the goal is for them to completely come together and stay all the time. I have said about them both being timeless, but differently, same goes for space, like its utterly without center vs the no identification with distances or 3D space. So same concept, same awareness, but still big difference to get to that timelessness where all buddhas of all times abide. I don’t know how to explain actually, but will say you can tell them apart as the mother has immense love in her, like acute awareness of other beings, while the child doesn’t, or not in the same way at least. Also the mother awareness does not increase or decrease, perfect equality, while the child needs to grow and its perfectly ok to say it does, as a way to talk/measure relative progress, with mother there is no progress no path etc..
So little side-track; this begs the question, do you need to go through the steps, do the gradual stuff? I know some have glimpses of this even before an awakening, and it differs among people how familiarity with this happen I am sure. Lama Lena said at one retreat she knew one person she thought had had the full thing, and then got completely enlightened (there is a Tibetan word for such a person actually but don’t remember). To me it sounds strange, but who knows? I only know how I have been taught, and that includes practice and step by step, not sure how other lineages does it.
 Longchenpa wrote somewhere somthing like  “all partial rigpa is faulty” which really didn’t make any sense to me at the time, as I was only familiar with this child luminosity, but then thinking about it now it makes sense. Like this perfect rigpa is never meditated on, never partial, never tainted by “purification practice” etc.. still, to me its clear practice is very important, that I cant just sit and wait for it to happen, and that partial practice and insight is very correlated to getting to this, though might be exceptions out there who knows? + different lineages and teachings on this.
The love that is inherent in mother buddhamind, is absolute bodhicitta, if you are not there, you need to generate it. The mind there is identical to the gurus mind, but if not in this recognition one should stay in gurus blessings as often as possible. The mother is never far from her child, so if abide in simple awareness is very very good. It is child luminosity is also empty, so you can use it when analysing concepts and gradual insight and progress will happen for sure this way. So, all this generating, and practicing seem to me to be just as important really, though might change and might differ between people as I have said, though this is how I feel I need to practice. And again, note to myself and other who are unsure, if you are unsure which one is which, ask yourself; is there acute sense of love and care equal to all beings? Not blissful, not intoxicating or absorbing not made and not selfish love.

My next hypothesis. I have made some claims about sensing and sense objects, that they change after insights. I think stabilize the mother awareness, you will get to “no eyes, no ears, no nose”, I wrote a little bit about this earlier in this log acutally. So from “just sounds” to “sounds being neither inside nor outside” meaning starting to see outer world as empty too, to “no sounds at all”  due to all subtle clinging completely seen through, all duality fully dissolving, is my hypothesis, hope I will be able to say something useful about this one day and other insights this entail as this text mainly concerned sense and sense object, there obviously are other points as well one could get into. I saw Osho have written a book on the heart sutra btw, I read some of what he said, and to me it sounded like pure nonsense really, like I am pretty sure he never had that experience at all I am afraid. From my experience, its all in your palm when it happens, like heart sutra is actually just saying how it is like to have exhausted all ignorance, you sometimes read the phrase “no eyes, no ears” in Dzogchen texts too, so that’s where I need to be heading. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyd it, and please comment on whatever I will try to respond. 
 

Oskar  

Ah, to me it always made sense that the guru is the best you so to speak. Its simply a gateway to rigpa, and no difference from your own awarness. 
But there is the guru worship things happening which take a completely different turn of course. 

You are the best you Oskar.

Awesome insights & experiences.

Here's another koan: shit going on is just shit going on.

There is no perfect state in the future which is free from all our troubles. Actually it's clinging to the idea of that perfect future state which prevents us from fully recognizing that the present is already perfect as it is with all the shit included (which is just conditioned shit conditionally working itself out as it will continue to do so as long as we live).

I'm saying this from the bottom of my heart Oskar.

<3 

Whats the answer to that Koan, have so much to do so you just have to tell me. Is shit suffering or isnt it?

Thanks for comment George  

Ok, need to diagnose where I am at and what needs to be done. The text by Dudjom Lingpa I refered to earlier, still seem to apply as one, unite samsara and nirvana, so thats one thing. 
"Reduce all of samsara and nirvana to emptiness, reduce emptiness to the essential nature of reality; reduce this essential nature to the ground of being, reduce samsara and nirvana to displays of this ground, and reduce the entirety of samsara and nirvana to this very ground"

Second there is a very thin layer of the bhumi I am working on, compared to earlier when I could study these things properly, now just a tiny clinging to "wanting" to have a look, wanting to purify, makes contraction happen. Hard to explain, but its almost like I am unable to investigate this layer due to this tiny clinging of "wanting" to have a look messes it up. Meaning, clinging changes the energy system. It feels like hitting a magnet with the opposite end of another magnet, it sneaks away in an instant, so that is currious and was not like that before where some effort was "allowed". Talked to a sangha friend, and she said that where I am now she figured out she had to drop absolute all wanting to get to the next point, and I have felt the same thing, and that it naturally happens this way too, like the mind knows and start doing it already, my life, goals and so forth, clinging is naturally falling away and its pretty amazing acutally, like so natural, but it helped with her feedback. 
I know the energy/bhumi layer explanations  probably doesnt make much sense for you reading it, as its very subjective and particular to my practice and has developed over years, but I hope you find it interesting anyway. To put it briefly, when the previous layers have dropped, is when the notion of no time and no space and no dreams or outer worlds has come to be, or the notion of senses and sense objects, always due to purification of such a layer, so same goes for my current challenge. 
Anyway, one way is to do the practices I have learned which concerns these layers, using empowerment mantras, breathing techniques and vizualisations,  and shouting techniques to fill these particular channels with enlightened energy, which in turn makes it unravel little by little, yielding absens of that partiular ignorance. 

Thirdly, it clear to me that this layer concerns the "me and others" delusion ( and probably other things too). I see in my mind small clingings to others as indepentent from myself, this being concepts that are clung to. I would say this is the notion that gives rise to nirvana and samsara, so these insights are connected. While most dharma concepts make no contraction happen anymore, like me, or time or space has no basis while "me and others" is certainly something that still sticks, again something that is hard to explain but I have done so much and I am very confident in that it "works". 
I have tried a couple times now to use pure percetion on this, and it feels like bullseye. Instead of me and others, its just deities, everyone has buddhanatur, even though little conceptual thingy make it seem like they dont. So any person, animal, being anywhere are perfectly enlightened buddhas. I used to think that you change them into such, but thats wrong, they are already and its just a matter of realizing it seeing through the deluded perseption that make it look like it isnt like this. So this is some of what I have been doing. Other difference from before when doing this is that I try to relax into it vs efforting on vizualisation etc.. like relaxing into how it always has been, meaning just pure land, deities, sounds are mantras and so on. 

Fourth, compassion practice, guru yoga, never let that stuff go, its the lubrication for my path. But again, will have to work on this without efforting. 

Fifth, not sure if my child/mother rigpa attempt is how it is traditionally understood, baby rigpa seems to be the one that I have acces to and then these bigger cessations happen without my controll, so will have to just remind myself of recognizing. Like it feels increasingly clear as I wrote, that I need to stay in this naturall mind all times of the day, there should be no post meditation. I say acces to, but its like if I get up in stories, then relax natural clearity is there in an instant now, or that shit happens "within" this clearity, like its always avalable. Also while talking and writing its possible, though a bit harder, and then some emotional things even harder, also dreams actually, fuck thats alot haha! But George and others are right that in all and anything should recognition happen, circumstances should not make any difference, and this is very important, so will practice it. Sort of wish I had understood this earlier though, and been better at using difficult circumstances as practice as everyone keeps saying you should, though some benefit obviously has happened. 

Ok, think thats what I have thought about this. 

Closing my eyes, there is sublte pictures of the room I am sitting in, people I am connected to or now about, my bodys sitting posture.. looking at it these concepts they are so subtle, like if my previous sublte mind thing I compared to a stream or fog, this is like the absolute finest of spiderwebs, just a tiny breeze of habitual tendencies, a mere belief that they do in fact exist as such- independently from this mind-fixation, and it sticks to you, depending on this beliefe we creating the whole of samsara and nirvana.

You're heading in the right direction with this. There is absolutely no difference between samsara and nirvana, they're just concepts, it's all the same thing. It's frustrating, there is nothing you can do or not do to see it ... because you are already looking at it. It's a joke - what you think you are looking for is everything you have already been experiencing while you were searching!

This weekend, some more storage channels in the throat cracked, just sweet Been freestyling more in terms of practice, calling upon the mahasiddha family we use in Pemako which are many different masters, as well as empowerment mantras to purify the outer very thin viel of the aura/layer, some got seen thourgh concequently the throat thing happened. Had some moments yesterday, when closing my eyes the earth and myself was seen as what it is,  pure empty appearance which is equally true of any inner or outer phenomena, in this way you say it is a pure land and inhabited by only buddhas, thoughts of me and others would be wieghtless/just appear/ had no realness in terms of their designated object (which just is that very concept), for short time, not having anything to hold on to this is revealed or I should say, slightly more understood, for short moments. This is how it always is really, before clinging start happen again. In this utterly simple experience it started to make sense that a buddhas mind pervaide throughout all of samsara and nirvana, and that this is the nature of blessings <3  

Refrease: "had no realness in terms of their designated object (which just is that very concept)".. 

the realness/solidness experiences  comes about due to the missconcepted belief in that concept. What it is about might still exist in one way or another, though point here I ponder is that whatever it is, its pure and selfless (same as the concept).. so an object exist in some way, saying its "just" the concept can be missleading, leading to nihilism, sorry about that. 

Things keep happening, like I am driving in a stream and almost cant stop. Today something more cleared, karma, vows and appearance of sentient beings suddenly made much more sense, even without trying to figure these things out. What I am left with this is; practice, for gods sake practice. Immens gratitude for Rinpoche (Kim) happens more and more often, which has not happen like this before so something new to note. 

May the love of all buddhas
reach the heart of sentient beings
everywhere at all times
and bring them to 
the end of suffering and
perfect enlightenment

Namo Sarwa Buddha Ye

(praise to all buddas)

Mornings, rainbowbody yoga, meaning mantras, mudras, vizualisation and dynamic consetration. After work, guru yoga, investigation of the remaining bhumi chacras and channels + mahasiddha bhumi blessings, pretty similar yesterday but also tonglen. Thought about this I read during the weekend, from Buddhahood Without Meditation: 

"Due to the obscuration of the ground by ignorance, the actual substrate, which is space-like and immaterial, devoid of thoughts and appearances, is like deep sleep and fainting. Immersion in this state is of the essential nature of delusion, a vast field of ignorance"..

So this again, similar as before but still a topic that certainly apply. 
Parts of the sitting today has been so fresh and soft, utterly natural presense with no one meditating
​​​​​​​

Last days. Practice as usual, first days of the week I practiced alot of pure view taking absolute perspective, trying to see and ponder that all beings, things, whatever etc.. are buddhas, pure, aware and awake, utterly perfect as they are. Then I felt I needed to take start generating boddhicitta again, and has done alot of tonglen and chod.. Some times its been more of these fits almost unbearable feeling of love for sentient beings, like frustration and pain seeing the suffering around me, and some feeling of really wanting to++++grasp+++ it!! Feeling like I understand it but also dont. Not sure how to explain this, its a frustrating feeling.

Some days ago something clicked pondering the wild fox koan:

"does someone with great faith fall into cause and effect?"
"no such a person doesnt"

Teacher is born as a wild fox for 500 years. 
Whats the right answer?  

Then, yesterday and today my body has been releasing/seeing through parts of the substrate, knots and channels having small explosions of bliss, and after morning session today a small shift happened. I get the rainbow metaphore that is used in buddhism now. When appearance and you are almost indivisible, meaning really starting to understanding that there is no inner or outer, this metaphor starts to make sense. Things appears though is not existent/real, which makes whatever occur to feel just like a rainbow.
A couple of times I would describe insights as giving rise to this very imideacy in terms of sensing the world around me as very direct, fresh etc.. Today it feels like, since me and appearance are almost indivisble, this is wrong, as both the "one" percieving and "it" being percieved, are of the same taste/are the same rainbow Still not perfect this insight, but tasting it now, grrr. 
Also at times, when this happenes, subtle clingings to "hold" rigpa, are seen as clingings, like simply contractions in the body and mind. They happens within rigpa, meaning effort or no effort, rigpa is there. 

What's the right answer? A slap in the face!

Effort or no effort? Same difference 

Not completely there yet . But this time, the teachers answer didnt seem that bad. Need more grinding though not through at all, but point being its really interesting to see how the mind suddenly jumps into new terretiorium just like that. 

Right answer? Slap in the face! 

- dumbest fucking answer I have ever heard. Straight forward retarded.

How would you describe the phenomenology of this? Or maybe ”cracked” is that description? It’s interesting.

Earlier in my practice I used to feel blockages in the throat chakra on a regular basis. It was a very reliable tell for being in reobservation, in terms of PoI mapping, which makes a lot of sense because of how reobservation tends to mess up communication and intentions. I felt that as strong vibrations in the throat. Those are gone now, but I can’t recall when or how that happened. Maybe I could find it in one of my old logs if I look for it, I don’t know. Hm, I do recall something loosening up there when I did a lot of ngöndro chanting. Maybe that was it, or part of it. I think the vibrations stopped before that, though, maybe already at stream entry? There are probably layers of it, right?

That's Huangbo/Obaku for you 

George, if you are going to keep giving tips to my practice even thought I havent asked you to, I would like that you are more precice in your descriptions and answer
​when I ask you back something. If not I am just going to claim bullshit of most of your stuff, sorry.
​​​​​​​Slap in the face, ok, why? Or better, if someone has Great faith, does he fall into cause and effect? Serious question, what do to you think? 
(I dont sit with the fasit btw, but want to hear your own honest interpretation of the koan and if you have given it any thought).

Oskar

Sorry I wasn’t clear enough. Here’s my take on the case (triangulating between translations of Senzaki/Reps, Tanahashi and Shimomisse):

- Teacher is asked whether an enlightened person (questionably translated as person of great faith/devotion) is subject to law of karma (cause & effect), replies no and is reborn as a fox => denying karma is to be bound by karma.
- Teacher asks same question to Hyakujo who replies that no one is free from the law of karma (or the enlightened man is one with the law of causation, or don’t ignore cause & effect), Teacher is enlightened => acknowledging karma is not to be bound by karma.

In other words, it’s not karma that is the problem, it’s resistance to karma that is the problem. When you imagine that nirvana is separate from samsara you are bound by the hope of escaping samsara, when you realize that they are the same then you are no longer bound. But that’s not the end of the case …

- Obaku (Huangbo) hears his teacher Hyakujo telling the story and asks what happens to someone who gives the right answer.
- Hyakujo tells him to come closer so he can tell him, whereupon Obaku slaps him in the face (the ‘answer’ he expected to receive), Hyakujo laughs and gives his approval => every verbal answer is flawed, as Mumon’s closing verse makes clear:


The slap in the face is the figurative WAKE UP gesture – stop looking for the answer in words/thoughts, it’s already right here in everything you are experiencing (which also includes the thoughts, it’s just that they cause you to think that the solution is somewhere else, in a response from a teacher or some other scenario or state in the imagined future). That’s why I linked to Huangbo, because he is so clear about this:


I think your answer is right as well – it is fucking dumb! It is so blindingly obvious that the mind rejects it as being “too simple to be true”. That’s what keeps people seeking, trying to get a better conceptual understanding or a more refined mental state. But like you say - effort or no effort, rigpa is there. There is literally nothing you can or can’t do about it. That’s what makes it so frustrating to the mind that is looking for a special understanding or experience, that wants to do something about it (or wants to do nothing), whereas the ordinary mind that just gets on with life doesn’t have a problem with it. Or as Linji said:

Thank you George, will read through you answer a couple times and answer what I think, also I only have the koan from Wikipedia, I think there is some differences? And sorry for being rude to you, just wanted more "fill in" rather than flying comments here and there with no one taking responsibiltiy.
Love

I said crack because that what it felt like, it actually came noise from the throat area when it happened, likecrankling, and this toxis thing releasing which made my mouth taste wierd. It honestly feel just like if you have a knot of strings tied thightly together and then it start untying by itself. I had today and have had some other times when this happens that I can subtle muscles in the neck coming to light, and they are super tight. I never notice it except when this happens, like I use tons of muscels without even knowing it. 

Yeah think its layers. My biggest one was in my solar plexus, but also the limbs, legs, arms, there are knots like these that talking about energy body in your log, is connected all together with clinging to thoughts. Also you said something about layers of dreams in your log, I forgot to answer. My answer was something like, I dont understand what you mean, I usually dont care too much about dreams unless in waking state they carying with them something I can work with. 

Ok, tried to write down some stuff I have thought.  Never spent time on koans, but sometimes I read them, and then its so weird how they suddenly contains a very different meaning after some change in practice.. No idea what a zen teacher might say about this though

questionably translated as person of great faith/devotion) is subject to law of karma (cause & effect), replies no and is reborn as a fox

- ok, what I came to see when this koan popped into my mind is. I used to think similar as you. But at the moment something clicked with this koan was a moment of "great faith" so to speak. I dont want to get too much into the details since it concerns a couple of sensitive things for me that I dont want to share publicaly. But I think this was an experience of great faith, like this is a moment in practice he refers to, not the "clinging" to say dharma or other things as faith might imply, but faith in terms of understanding more clearly than before. You have read my log so you know I there has been quite a few changes for me just this autumn, but also the years prior. I think the student asks from this point of view, meaning he is in special and ripe condition (which begs the question, when I asked the question to you there are big contextual difference, so I think should yield some different answers). This student, with the right push  from the teacher reached I think perfect enlightenment. He already should have had many many insight before this little push, so he should have some clue about cause and effect already, but wanted to establish this insight with his teacher or simply get confirmation. 

The fox body isnt the teachers unfortunate rebirth I think, not sure if its the teacher willingly taking that birth, or if it is a picture of his emanation/his precense and lineage that followed after his birth as he successfully gave lineage transmission, burrying the fox support this metaphor, that the current (baizhang) teacher is abt for the job, embodying buddhanature to the exact same degree and carrying the lineage. thats why Wummens commentary (from wikipedia): If you have an eye to see through this, then you will know that the former head of the monastery did enjoy his five hundred happy blessed lives as a fox.

The old guy asking, if one should ignore cause and effect, I dont think he asks from the same point of view as the first student did, its not a rigid question but is utterly dependent on context as already mentioned. The thought has crossed me if its the first teacher testing his lineage successors, so could mean that the metaphor of the dead fox, or a vision actually could also make sense, is the sign of successfull dharma transmission, blessings etc... thats how he is "trapped".. by there not being someone to take his position, the teacher does so (because he sees the condition of that student/old man)

The slap in the face is the figurative WAKE UP gesture – stop looking for the answer in words/thoughts, it’s already right here in everything you are experiencing

- yeah, hmm. cant pinpoint it though what itches here, will keep grinding on this. Since, initially I dont think the teacher did give the wrong answer so the question was flawed, though it could have been the wrong answer if another student asked him (again dependent on context is crucial). But also, yes it makes sense that he slaps him, I think, lol?! “what if he had not given the wrong answer”, there is something about this question that makes no sense from the point of causality in buddhism, its an impossible question so to speak. Like saying; think about something that isn’t. You cant, if you try to think of a centaur you do think about it even though it doesnt exist, so there is dependency on this image/thought which is what yield existence really. It’s the very nature of thought, if I think about it it is, and you are in relation to it and vice versa. Meaning, the answer given first time is in relation to that particular student and context, and the new student asking has heard the story and there is dependency of some kind here, also in terms of lineage. The students question makes no sense from this point of causality/non duality, and actually when I think about it now it lovely for some reason, just beautiful! Maybe it’s the joy of his realization, and the teacher sees this imideatly and want to test him. Expressing spontaneity and joy, not bound by terms or word in a way (though he obvisouly gets it too!), he slaps his teacher (and you should never slap a  dharma teacher). This makes the teacher very very happy understanding the depth of his realization, and he calls him an barbarian with unusual beard because this student is standing on his own two feet in terms of realization, again succeeding the lineage, gosh think thats how it works When this clicked, it felt like the koan went from being a sad story about a failed teacher, to a one celebration after another, making the story immensly joyfull.

There is also something very a-temportal about the whole story, like nature of mind pervades all times wether kashyapa or sakyamuni it’s the same nature of mind thourghout all times. Exactly the same dharma, he says 500 years as a fox, but he there are thousands of years between kashyaba and shakyamuni. Like the temple alone could not stand for that long, not to mention a dharma teacher (without realization, with realization it becomes a whole different thing).

 But like you say - effort or no effort, rigpa is there. There is literally nothing you can or can’t do about it.

Well, yes and no. I dont like the idea of not working for it. Think about Hakuins comments on the zen of his days. So this just dont do anything doesnt sit well with me. From this point of view all practices, koans and so forth is a waste and that simply is missleading view.  

In other words, it’s not karma that is the problem, it’s resistance to karma that is the problem. 

-hmmm, ok, I will challenge this a bit if you dont mind? You can answer if you like, and again, not sure if I can give you a good answer myself, but its a good question and it feels like its underlying here for this koan as well: is karma happening by itself? Meaning are causes and conditions happening independently of the observer? To me the koan seem to be the nature of interdependence. 


Free from karma or subject to it,
They are two sides of the same die.
Subject to karma or free from it,
Both are irredeemable errors.

- will need to think more on this one. He is talking about the two truths I think. I think the two sides of a die is what people with realization say when talking about the heart sutra.. and that there is much more to the koan than discussed here. It might not be anything wrong with your interpretation, but there is a couple of things like lack of interdependence, karma seems (?) to be linear in this presentation as well as temporal, when I get a gist of the opposite. I used to in the beginning of my meditation days to say to myself, presence is there wether you like it or not, and I would get into pretty sweet clear and fresh states of mind just pondering this and being effortless, but that is very different from how meditation practice is these days with clear instructions, map and a teacher and lineage, and its not the same as non-meditation I am afraid. 
 
Thank for the comment, really, and happy I could ponder this, never did "koan" practice before and this was sweet and mind bogling. Yesterday I was so happy due to the "celebration" that everyone in the koan achieved realization haha _()_  

Oskar

Been doing alot of boddhicitta practice. Have been using my own technique to deal with the substrate and sleep (the two are related, still at this point) . I see myself surrounded by people sleeping or being non-aware, the earth and all of space is filled with them. And I try to feel this state of sleepy dullness, and then do chöd, tonglen and boddhicitta practice. What has happened several times is that this heavy smoke like precense comes over me, and its like the body gets into sleeping mode, like subtlte but heavy energtic pull or wieght happening all around the body as before it goes into sleep and "fainths" into realm of sleep, though now mind is quite clear when practice like this. Its really intoxicating and it goes slow. Seems like I have accumulated alot of karma being indulged in giving myself sleep "fix" as a means to deal with my issues, and then started clinging to this state and seeking for it rather than being awake and alert. Today this smoke was very strong and went through my body like in waves, I could feel it very subtly in the legs and up into the throat connected to my throat knot, like being huged by a really heavy cloud, there would be some fear but not much.

Also found it really really hard to generate boddhicitta in this state when the body get into sleep mode, or have compassion for sleep-beings for that matter, like it dulls the heart differently when I used to practice with other kinds of beings, like hell-beings or others, which the suffering is much more obvious. Also its quite comfortable which I guess is some of the danger to cut through the attachment. Might need to do some shouting or going back to the substrate practice I have done before. 

Also the night time after the day when me and appearances became rainbow-like, there was a really cool meditation when going to sleep. I dont know how to explain it really, but as if I became "more" like a rainbow, and there where no gap in precense at all, it felt almost liquid like, like just silent waves, the same ocean appear like this and that as the waves moved slightly reflecting different images. I want to use words like no comming or going, and there was no body no eyes, because precense didnt have gap and whatever thoughts or sensetation however slightly being attached to "being" say the eyes, was that presence too. also being and doing as mention would be the same thing. It was a new rigpa experience thats for sure, will see if it happens again and write more about it. 
Today thoughts have also had this weightless quality, though less than two days ago its never been this long before I think, and some stuff released from my throat during work today which I am always happy about It wasnt this forcefull untying that has happened sometimes,  but what has happend a few times recently is that in becomes really soft and tender, and then warm waves goes through it for several minuts like a massage and there will be lightness and release and some bliss in that area. 

forgot to write that yesterday, I think due to alot of energetic activity the last couple of days and the body came to a small knock out. After work I got bad headache and nausea, and then fell asleep fpor I think 3 hours, also slept throught the whole night after. It has happened before sometimes, especially in the beginning of practice, but now quite rare. Good think I know its this and so easy to be patience and just let if do its thingand get done  

another thought about the poem, though worry if there could be translation issues here and this point miss the mark: 

Free from karma or subject to it,
They are two sides of the same die.
Subject to karma or free from it,
Both are irredeemable errors.

If you are free from karma there is still karma, like "I" am free from karma. From the ultimate point of view, a buddha has exhausted all karma, there is no karma if one has completed the path, no karma to purify and no more are generated because karma comes due to ignorance which is  absent for buddha. If this is what the poem says, then the point is linguistical I think? Like how we talk about being free from karma vs riding its wave vs exhaust it etc.. these ways of talking doesnt say the same thing.  From Daniel Brown:

"The fourth and ultimate stage is the fluorishing of everything good. This is “Buddha training”, the level of practice where you systematically release all negative karmic impressions from the “storehouse mind” until there are none left. That is “Dharmadhatu” or exhaustion, also called “the stainless mind”. It matures into a clean experience of life in which there are no more negative states at all, just the 80 positive qualities of a Buddha mind."

Thanks! Then I understand. That kind of thing happens to me too, in different parts of the body. I have had the bad smell and taste coming out too. 

As for the layer of dreams, it was just my trying to describe the thickness of ignorance in the version of brain fog that occurs when I have had something to eat or drink that my energy body doesn't agree with (which is most foods and beverages). It's a lot to cut through. 

Ah, yeah its wierd what our bodies store.

Aha, yeah some seem to be more sensible for this things due to diet, I dont have that issue so cant say what is diet related and what is substrate. At the moment though the focus is just cutting through substrate, investigate it and so on, and then usually whatever I experience if it good or bad dreams, heavy or light etc.. all is the same shit  

It’s interesting how it works on different levels. I wasn’t thinking about the faith side of it, but yeah that’s really important – having faith in the possibility of awakening. Then it’s only a matter of time (literally!)

Maybe there is a bodhisatva/lineage thing going on with the fox. That’s not in the other translations, but even if he enjoyed his 500 lives as a fox, he was still asking to be set free …

There does seem to be a kind of tension in the concept of lineage, which you can see playing out historically as well as today. When the students of chan masters experienced realization, they usually went their own way, or if they stuck around the teacher might get slapped! 

'I dont like the idea of not working for it.'

That’s interesting! Sometimes when we look into our deepest desires or beliefs, we realize that we are already getting what we want …

I definitely don’t mean ‘just don’t do anything’ – that would still be doing something! We’re always going to be doing whatever it is we need to do, it’s just that realization itself is acausal in some very deep way – seeing through cause & effect – realizing that it’s always there whatever we do (or don’t do). Foyan expresses it well:


It kinda ties in with the atemporal nature of realization – in some sense the future has already happened if we look deep enough into the present. It’s already “out there” in much the same way that space is out there (or in here!)

'is karma happening by itself? Meaning are causes and conditions happening independently of the observer? To me the koan seem to be the nature of interdependence.'

Yes karma is happening by itself, but there is no independent observer. The assumption of an independent observer is just as much a function of karmic causes & conditions as everything else. The observer is playing the game while imagining it’s watching the game! So yeah it’s all interdependent – the game is watching itself 

As for the two truths, one of the zen masters says something like – on no account make any distinction between the relative and the absolute. It’s all the same, whether you call it two truths, one truth, no truth or perfect purity … beyond concepts, using the intellect to figure out the limits of the intellect …

It’s interesting how it works on different levels. I wasn’t thinking about the faith side of it, but yeah that’s really important – having faith in the possibility of awakening. Then it’s only a matter of time (literally!)

- I guess I agree with you on that one, but remember I refer to a particular insight from practice, faith and doubt are always up and down for me, but this was very strong, and faith that is based on what I saw, so very particular experience.

Maybe there is a bodhisatva/lineage thing going on with the fox. That’s not in the other translations, but even if he enjoyed his 500 lives as a fox, he was still asking to be set free …

- I simply mean with lineage that you rely on the buddha for your realization, and are not self-taught, not necessarily how "technicallities" we associate with this lineage-term. A true lineage master should idealy have reached the same level of shakyamuni, then there is blessings, emanations etc.. (to me emanations sounds to mean simply those that recieve those blessings, meaning karmic links with a mahasiddha, though I know there are more litteral takes on this I dont know how to understand it at this point really), . So the fox might be the blessings the teacher recieved at some point from a true master, from any life he had lived, which came in the end to ripenin (and I keep thinking the old man might be a reoccuring dream or vision, which again ties to the karma/lineage idea)- that is the burying of the fox/the teachers realization. So that could be what is meant by asking to be set free, merit comming to its final. Also I feel more prone to thinking of the old man as a reoccuring vision or dream, which support this idea of a karmic link that comes to fruition.
hat is also something interesting I thought of mentioning to you in regard to merit and faith, that some traditional accounts one would say that I think 8th bhumi you are certain to reach buddhahood in that very life. So you still are bound by cause and effect, but you also is said to attain complete fruiting"beyond" causality, isnt that interesting?Bafless me at least, realization being acausal and all. Same kind of goes with the arhat that is said to not take rebirth, though still be aware of ethics basically meaning karma still happen right? but not to the degree you might fuck up and get bad (or any) rebirth. 

That’s interesting! Sometimes when we look into our deepest desires or beliefs, we realize that we are already getting what we want …

- Ok, going to push this one a bit Name one mahasiddha, that did not work really hard to reach his final realization, just one (and the advaita guys doesnt count!!). Also remember, non-meditation, the last attainment in most mahayana systems, comes in the very end, so say after 4-10-20 different big realizations (depending on system you use), all being acausal in a way ! Also again think of Hakuins rebelion to "do nothing zen", like there are some scary pitfalls in this idea thats why I hesitate. Though essentially I guess I do agree with you in a way, I get suspicious. The guys you refer to probably had many many insight before this insght manifested properly and they could explain it like that. Maybe I personally have some unhealty hangups on practice, but still even with that it works like a charm, right signs happening and so forth, so will keep going and see how it develops ;) 

We’re always going to be doing whatever it is we need to do, it’s just that realization itself is acausal in some very deep way – seeing through cause & effect – realizing 

- Yes cessation is acausal in the sense that you put light on your own ignorance, which is how karma accumulate in the first place,by ignorance right?  But unless final attainment I wont take that present to early, as long any ignorance happens karma keeps accumulating. But doesnt that yield something about causality and its "being independtent or not" (bad wording of observer in my last post)? 

i get two kinds of images here, not sure if any is correct but can share. One is that is all a matter of being a constant mishmash of causes that goes uninterupted, with no beginning or end, "you" are somewhere in it and you are free when you see you are just these processes, meaning you where never there. But these causes and aggregates made it seem that way.
The other one, which I feel is closer to what I have read in mahayana tantra texts and dzogchen, is this idea that there is perfect buddhahood always, then due to fluxation in vital energy some tiny seed of ignorance happens, giving rise to this and that etc... duality and all hell brakes loose. 
To me both point are correct in a way, though its more evident the latter point karma and causality depends on ignorance alone, and not being "independent" as seem more likely in the first example in a way?
Anyway, that was my point with previous post, the poem being free fro karma or subject to karma both has the underlying premise that karma is there (if you are really litteral). Though for a buddha there should be no karma at all, to either be free from or to be subject of. How I see this at the moment at least. 

But I honestly need to look more into this , I have not thought much about this untill this discussion . The experience of the koan was very intuitive, like bom! and as mention I used to think just like you describe it, before it turn around completely and made sense in very different ways. I have a fat book by tsongkhapa back home and might read some in it during the vacation, I think he has a chapter on causation (am not home now for some days), which I might have a look at.

maybe should not brought up two truths lol, dont know how I am to follow up that at the moment, my brain is a vegtable today. Maybe a different time If you like, to share some stuff of your own practice feel free. 

Oskar












 

Keep having alooot of subtrate. Today at morning practice, it feels like both me and appearnaces equally is covered in this smoke. So there is both very tranparant, me, the ground I am sitting on and the walls around me, and still thick with smoke. So even though I start to really understand what it means that me and apparances are of the same taste, its a rainbow ;) its like its happening in a cloud, making it eons away from perfection as well as almost in plain sight at the same time lol. Also still feels difficult to generate boddhicitta, and some times now I have been sitting for a long time pondering back  and forth before feeling anything.. I talked to a friend, and said I felt it was easier to feel compassion to beings that are obviously in pain, like hell beings, but with this dullness its not obvious in the same way. Also at this stage its "closer", like its sticks on you making the whole experience different from when I see some person in front of me, meaning the whole duality thing being what I am used to being the premise for boddhicitta I cant seem to apply anymore due to previous shifts, or at least not with this substrate stuff. When it has released awarness and boddichitta seem to be one and the same, and it naturally moves that way. what I am trying to say is that at this point, or with some part of my practice now, its difficult for "me" feeling compassion for "you", make sense? Think this is pre- to the realization, that there is no me or you. Whish I could be better to explain how it feels like. There is a natural progression so its is happening by itself in a way, but also need to practice and be aware of it at the same time.
Came to think today at practice that even though there is dullness and ignorance, beings still want to be free from it, which helped some for opening up.

Going on one week retreat in some days (27th), with Rinpche and the sangha, and really looking forward to that. The last year has been a hallmark mainly because Rinpoche and a handfull others have finished their practice how it is done in Pemako, perfected all ten bhumis, which from the inside of the sangha, has been a big change, both the vibe of the sangha and Rinpoche but also retreats. I know this might be blasphemy for some people, or boost sceptisism at least talking about some of these things, and of course one should make once own sound judment of stuff like this, but thought better share than not and some people might find it interesting, so here it goes:
So, also several others have gained alot of motivation in their practice and suddenly accelerated mega fast which is really amazing to witness. A friend sent me a message yesterday about that he had opened all 13th (in mega speed), meaning purified the whole central channel (not perfected, so only half-way, but still big difference), and he honestly feels and looks  like a radiating fluffy bunny compared to before being very stern and rock like (being an ex-military man), like all of a sudden his heart is realy open and he radiates kindness And another guy sent me a long message yesterday, about various stuff (among that we had some previous life together ha!) and reading the message was like being showered in freshness and clarity, he too just having had an big shift. 

Some of the retreats this automn have been very powerfull to me to a different degree than before even though its online hehe. I talked this weeken with one guy that attended the only live retreat that has been recently, and his description of Kim Rinpoche and some of the others there was pretty astonishinging to say the least. Like how I have heard people describe Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche or Dudjom Rinpoche, in terms of blessings and presence of an attained master. I have met all of them several times before this year and covid, and always was very impressed by Kims presence as well as some others, that a human can look and behave like that. It could feel like he was carying with him a entourage of buddhas or the lineage, and you would feel blessings shower over you just by hanging near him quite litterarily, some people would have visions with these meeting I think. But after the 10th bhumi its like there is a complete flip of the persona. My friend said the presence of Rinpoche online was about 1/20 of how you experience it in person, and a couple of other cool details. I have attended alot of empowerments and retreats (I guess almost all of them), I am aware how strong that energy can be even though its online, its almost freaking me out hearing how live retreats are like these days. I think being in the presence of a completely attained master is no difference to be in Zangdok Palri really, at least thats what it sounds like from my friends report Also interesting to hear how not all people that have the same attainment, can be very different in terms of presence, but might be various reasons for this. 

So, might write some here during the retreat and give some updates as its all happening from my livingroom and there is time, and then read some Tsongkhapa if my brain is up to it. I feel I have a very  intuitive notion of causation (which has been a topic now), though I pretty much have no theoretical knowledge backing this up and I like to have that, though practice is always number one. Gratefull anyway for sharing here, hope people have enjoyd some of it, and wish all a merry christmas and blessings_()_ 

Oskar

My practice these days is mostly just relaxation, slowly releasing old energetic tensions (emotional & psychological substrates). About a year ago I had a realization which put an end to my seeking, as far as I can tell. Compared with before, my practice is much more about relaxing into what’s already here rather than trying to get to what I imagine to be “over there”, although I have started to do some brahmavihara stuff which felt like it was necessary.

I guess I’m a bit of a perennialist, I’m still interested in how different traditions approach awakening and the process by which individuals awaken. It’s been nice chatting, it sounds like there’s lots of positive things going on in your practice and community  

Cool George, happy to hear so Its been fun (and abit stressfull) to slowly getting in touch with this forum. I have some of the same need as you in that regard, to know everything at ones and see how different schools goes about it, and preferably understand all of it lol. 
Cool to discuss these things with you too, and thanks for you engagement   _()_ 

Some lovely meditation today Rigpa has been clear and fresh almost all the day, completely natural. Have intentionally brougtht up various concepts or topic that I struggle with in my life, that creates contractions, let it come into that clearity, and it more or less immideatly dissolves and clearity grows even stronger. Really a matter of relaxing completely, and awarness naturally untangles itself. 

Liked this video by Meido Roshi. Talks towards the end of how insight changes the body, or insight is phyco-physical, which fits well with my experience, as well as what a persons body and how he allign his body fits his persona, psychology and/or vice versa. I think the main thing I have experienced after a shift in relation to this, is body becomming increasingly transparent and light, at some point this is the same of appearances. Also knots in the limbs open which makes energy flow differently and smoother, and sometimes completely dissolve old traumas or scars.
Then I started to write loads and on the energy body which just became longer and longer. I think I will re-think this before posting it, also some topics arose which I cant explain from own experience yet - and I have found I should really just talk about my own experience instead of making guess about stuff I dont know- which made me hesitate posting the whole thing. Might make another post later about the energy body in relation to insights, or a separate post in this forum about it. 

Also good and simple point of ultimate and relative truth, have not read or thought about in a while, but it immideatly made sense how he puts it. The ultimate is not separate from the relative. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_7Esh_Tn0w

Today too, when meditating its very very clear and fresh. Been like this for three days now. I dont feel the need to do mantras or prayers much, just try to drop and let meditadion happen. Sometimes it immensly wakefull, and sometimes its like tiny veil distort this wakefullness, which I only figure out was there when wakefullness is back again, meaning the distortion is really subtle. 

immensly means ordinary, immensly ordinary wakefullness  

So practice keep being a matter of relaxing now, like there is not room for clinging to anything really. Not cling to freshness of rigpa when its there, but let it pass away the moment it arises. Not to this life, good or bad, or hope. Just drop, drop, drop, when no engagment whatsoever happens, one is resting perfectly, naturally exhaustion happens. 
Found it helpfull in further breaking down appearances to examine that the senses co-arise with sense object, accompanied by subtle concepts of good, bad, pleasure an so on, essentially making the non-dual co-arising seem like two things rather than one/or co-arise as heat of the fire and fire is dependent/not one, not two or something like that. This is really the same as pure percetpion, because it reviels appearnces are essentially pure, ha! Same goes for the mind, concepts of me seem to always include the concept of others, and vice versa. Seeing this the whole "frame" of dual fixation is pointed out, and rigpa grows even clearer, as there is nothing to hold on to anymore, me and appearances alike. 
Been on retreat for two days, and Rinpoche mainly focus on boddhicitta which is great in relation to any practice. 

Currious thing that has happened a few times is that me and appearances start to shake, like a subtle shaking of "everything". When investigating the very subtle concepts relating to co-arising of senses and sense objects, there are parrallell seemingly solid knots in the far outset of the energy body, which is what gives rise to that solidness. Probably makes no sense to read this, but one can figure out these things oneself with the right help and guidance, the bhumis are essential though as they pretty much tells exactly where and what to look for. It feels like the shaking, is this energy knots releasing. 
May all beings be free

Been chatting with a friend, we seem to be at very similar points in practice, took some excepts from todays conversation: 

Me: Think it naturally start to happen. Life around me seems to always have been a pure land

- Great
- Good

Me: Thoughts today and yesterday are weightless, and more fear is leaving
Me:  Tuddellu
Me: its like vizualising yourself in zangdok palri or some other place, just without the image just the feel 
Me: it happens when these really subtle attachments to sense objects are seen through.
Me: its always been pure and good in a way

- Me too (she writes this on three latter statements )

Me:  so not life has been easy or hard. Its just this life is pure, joyus

- EXACTLY

Me: Gosh this is going to be embarresing when the next DN is hitting in XD 

I think I will take a brake from writing here for some weeks, a bit distracting at the moment. Will let the page stay here and see if I feel like getting back later. 

Oskar

Best wishes for you in the new year Oskar!

"just this life" 

Gracias George, happy new year to you too  

So thinking I will end my break and start write stuff again. Several things that have been going on in practice lately, so this is gonna be a long post. One is, and the reason I felt I had to take a break, is that this stage was way way harder than I thought. Like throughout the christmas holyday and before, there would be  many "experiences" so I kept thinking surely this dharma run has to end soon, things makes more sense than every, natural rigpa moments happening by itself, and there is this certainty on how to proceed/what I need to do, which basically went a bit too far, started rushing and got cocky,obvisouly thinking you are there soon puts you eons away   Which made me worried if its a good idea posting all these ups and downs here or not, especailly also since part of my practice is so particluar due to the bhumi model and Pemako and people though might find it interesting cant relate as they have their own particular path, though I enjoy writing here so will keep at it, hope reader be aware of the nonsense that sometimes is bound to happen in the dharma run.

Other thoughts. Yesterday I came to think of the koan MU, which caused a mind lockdown of kind and still does but less than last night which I never have experienced before, I practiced it today while doing guru yoga, hope thats ok, giving my MU to the guru. Now starting sliding into the background.. Interesting observation is that even though analytical mind is buttfucked by this koan (which I think why its good for me being way to analytical), I can observe how the energybody makes a complete turn when I put my soul into it. Its awesome how some people come up with this at one point. 

Then there have been periods thinking about dependent origination. Mainly "If this is that is, if this cease that cease". Mainly I just feel into it, look at me and appearances in dependence on each other, dont do it on the cusion but elsewhere when it comes to mind, also some other phrases like "whatever depends on circumstanses is empty in nature" feels realy good, though the "this, that" is my favourite. Not sure if I wrote it here or elsewhere, but its completely different contemplating it now vs before. Before my mind would get so wast it freaked me out and I had to stop, now there is just a very subtle change, though its perfect. I did for some time see how there was co-arising concepts happening with reference to sense objects, but dont feel the need anymore and now this feels better, though point is the same and what is still going on in my practice, subtle clinging to sense objects. Cessation of this and that Tsongkhapa write somewhere, hmm.
Talking about wasteness, the wasteness of mind peaked at one point during the summer with one shift, and then after that the One Taste feel/experience started to happen, which has an inverted effect. The waste mind merge with appearances more and more, and you get to a point where it neither feels big or small, more and more or dimensionless and still all-including.
I have had some moments of awe for DO, that its just so perfect its unbeliavable someone understood it, read a passage from Buddhahood without meditation today, the chapter of the teachings of varjadhara which seems to hit the nail for me now, and he also goes into it but in a different way, how in dependence on substrate name and forms, counciousness and so on arises. Again I am baffled by how I did not get this chapter at all before, but now its just lovely and seems to pierce at the excact right place for me, not not-understandable but not fluid either, like the previous chapter did some months back, cool. 

More. What seem to happen sometimes is more and more of these spontaneous boddhicitta moments, I acutally think it happens in cycles like once a week or every second week. Sometimes triggered by something, or not, where litterarily the whole body from toes to head goes into this sense of love of sentient beings, and its impossible not to see how much suffering there is everywhere. I might feel warm, and sometimes sad and frustrated, its really powerfull and not "made" by consentration or any exercice but happens completely on its own. Still its a matter of letting it pass, ride it, but currious, didnt happen like this before though I think it started around automn and I wrote about it then and been more and more.

The "changes" that has happened are very subtle, and I dont know how to put them into words so wont, as mentioned I have been a bit worried if its a good idea to post everything that comes to mind, but in these cases its easy to keep them to myself because not much to say really. There is more and more understanding the need to practice boddhicitta, and started to do tonglen everyday. Also have been doing alot of Amitabha practice, and physical practices, self-massage, tapping the body and qi gong. I am using some techniques from Meido Moores videos and some of Rinpoches qi gong practices to get deep into the tissues of the physical body. 

Also have gotten closer with another practicioner, and found how beneficial closeness can be for practice to let the gard down and avoid suble by-passing of lonelyness kind of ego-clinging, which is quite easy for someone with a monk-like mentality like me. I honestly think this is one of the main reason for consorts, keeps you soft and vulnarable which is important in practice and life. Dharma buds, consorts, teacher and so on is indespensable really for someone like me.

More, practice seems to be quite intuitive and has for a long time, also happening alot on its own as mentioned. The main point is awarness and boddhicitta. Found though that recently it has been good with some consistency in terms of what I mentioned, amitabha, tonglen and physical practices, but the reading material and DO, or MU, is brilliant completentary stuff, so I dont feel torn in different directions, they serve the same purpose when you know where you are going. Then also samaya is important to keep you sober and on track. 
In some weeks I will go to Finland and stay there for a month or more with Rinpoche, really looking forward to that, as well as seeing some of the others from the sangha, amazing having such an oppurtunity. Hope 2022 will be a powerfull dharma year for everyone, especially in the west where dharma is starting to flourish like never before.

Oskar.

Keep practicing the instructions from Dudjom Lingpas book, the chapter of varjadhara. Its brilliant and to-the-point instructions on how to see the arising of substrate and then further events dependent on this. What I am left with is this very simple experience, like complete non-mystical, clear, natural and open. 
Currious how this is different approah than I have learned, though just as effective. Would love to see how various lineages have practices to work with substrate and compare the practices. A friend reminded me how rare it is to find detailed explanations on this terrains of practice, and in that regard Dudjom Lingpas visions are unbelievable presice. 

The MU, lasted for half a day, the body and mind went into lockdown, obvious it could not be solved that way. Then talking to a friend, and figuring I need to let the MU do its own thing, it gradually dissolved, and the rest of the day was just clear and nice. The yes/no and language dichotomy is completely relative, nothing solid. Think or not think, makes no difference, neither is right or wrong permanent or "real" things, though they are not not real either. If I think about MU now my mind just becomes soft and clear. Still two hands clapping makes me itch though... think I have messed up the order of these things lol 

Happy sunday. 

Something happened today. Not sure how to describe it, like simpler and more grounded experience, also heart has been softening lately. I was pre-mature (as usualy) claiming the  "think or no think, makes no difference", there is a difference to me still even though this happens every day now .Need to chill Oskar, chill.... 

But yes, its getting simpler all of this. 

Woke up today after really special dream, and heart was filled with love for sentient beings. My mom used to tell me an my sister when some discussion about whatever"bad" person, say Hitler, went out of hand, that "everyone have equal value, no one is better or worse". And this kind of equalness is what I have felt today, starting this weekened up till yesterday where something shiften. Like there is no difference in samsara about high or low, suffering is suffering, and everyone are equally suffering, this is an aspect of rigpa too, some Masters emphasise, I know Dudjom Lingpa use it in the text I am currently reading, but also Longchenpa is mentioning it all the time. Also today the "ordinaryness" of rigpa is just even more striking. Nothing special, still so good. May all beings be free. 

Not so much to report atm. Have lost some fire in practice I feel, but today doing alot of guru yoga and started reading Dudjom Lingpas book from the beginning. I will do smoke offering with a friend soon today. This part of practice (from Pemako point of view) is so un-identifiable, it pisses me off lol, like never ending cloud. 

Feel it helps to sum it up why this part is challenging for me. Mainly its because its so sublte everything, and the "things" that obscure it, as I have wrtten about all along, is this substrate foggyness. I see there is slight difference between doing and non doing, but almost unnoticable. Thoughts are very sublte, so even when there is chaotic its not anywhere near how it used to be, also I can see how bad it is for others which puts alot of perspective on it. A sangha friend wrote at this point that going from non clinging to clinging is like tensing the little finger 5%, and thats also feels quite accurate at times, though it is still there which makes all the difference. Several shifts have made appearances more and more illuion-like, and thoughts as mentioned are very subtle, still there is very tiny subject-object experience. Compassion is essential, but its like its almost impossible to generate it like before, where I could just make it grow and grow, and did. Probably sounds wierd for someone who isnt used to it, the good thing/or what happens instead is that the equalness of rigpa makes it clear that compassion and emptiness is exactly the same thing, but this generating, though I do it everyday many times+tonglen, is almost unnoticable difference, though some difference of course. Another problem is that the energy in the body can suddenly shoot up into the head making me really dizzy, so have spent more time than usuall on physical practices, to get the energy down and natural. Found the Meido Moore Do-In-Ho exercices really good to get grounded into the body + some of Kims qi gong exercices. 
I figured this fog has colors (as well as this depressive-like, passivness), and the chapter by dudjom lingpa, explains how they come about due to various facets of rigpa being obscured, which has helped alot. Because even the subtrate practice I have learned and has been very helpfull at times, can feel like catching smoke with my hands these days. Its like inside this fog, "dirty" colors appear, and thats the ones that need to be seen correctly thus transformed. 
Good thing today was that I saw for some periods, how thoughts are relative inputations on phenomena, made me think its neither a self nor not a self (though I am fine calling this no self) which I feel is going in the right direction, but then lost it again. 

Just two thoughts... 

For compassion/tonglen, you don't need to "feel" compassion to practice compassion. A lot of the time the compassion-feeling is the gateway into really understanding it. But the feeling intensity often goes away as one develops the actual wisdom-action of compassion. It can be disconcerting when it's harder to feel/grow the feeling any more, but it's normal development.

There will always be phases of practice that are foggy, depressive, elusive-as-smoke. You don't need to turn that situation into a clear, crisp, clairity experience. Instead, recognize that the mind is already clear: it is clear about the situation being foggy, depressive, elusive. If you notice the "knowing" of the mind, you'll see that it knows. It is tempting to judge the mind by the quality of the objects in the mind... but notice mind nature instead.

Hm, yes its true, thank you. I guess I have been too accustumed that it is an indicator that it showing that its moving in the right direction, like it wont happen if the compassion is not sincere or ego-clinging. But I see your point and you are absolutely right, I get a fixated on the feeling, thanks. 

I try to do it without clinging to the "removing" of the fog, though that happens too lol. Considering its some part of the path that I work on to get to the next "point", is why I spend so much time on it and refer to other sources. When rigpa and substrate happens at the same time thats the most obvious "right" meditations, thank you Shargrol  

In Helsinki for some time as I thought it was a good way to focus on practice It is so good to meet practicioners again after so much covid retreats over zoom. Not sure how my practice will look like, probably the same, but plan to sit more than usual as I have time now, 6-8 hours or so, will see, and visit Kim Rinpoche and others when the oppurtunity is there. 

Some people in Pemako sangha started another message dharma board. Feel free to join in on discussion I would say its targeted at varjayana in the west more. Since Pemako is a varjayana lineage that is not associated with asian culture at all, as well as most(or all) people have works and family, there is a different focus on few things. Like secrecy is one thing, also sharing experiences, as well as not having the oppurtunity to do very long retreats practices (sort of similar pragmatism you find in Yuthok Nyingthig, with short practices and short retreats due to the peoples time limits due to their occupation (all being doctors)). Also Kim has been kicked out from Dharma wheel, so doesnt seem like we can take that discussion there which is a pitty.

I started on log of "ponderings" there so its ok when I regret all the stupid stuff I have gotten excited about, as pondering is not very serious. Hope to see you there  

Here is the link to the forum:

https://www.modernmahasiddha.com/

Not much to report atm, quite different practice with others that are senior to me as well as having more time. Today and yesterday I focused alot on trauma practices, and my body would smell insanely bad after all the fear comming up in the body. 
Started writing a longer text on empowerments, transmissions and so on as that stuff have started to make sense, might post it later on (or not, its a therevada forum, so people might not care)... 

Did you receive any transmissions yet?

I wholeheartedly recommend the man himself. Splendid teacher. If you ask nicely he will teach you all about real dharma and will show you how to reach Nibbana. Can even teach you all about true nature of Bodhisattva and how to make proper vow and what it actually takes to become a Buddha. Not that you have to rush it. You choose the level of courses by being ready for them.

BTW. This forum has very little to do with Theravada or its ways. DhO is for the most part the land of hungry ghosts... a small big step up from hell

Hi!
​​​​​​​I have recieved several tranmissions from Kim, also vows and refuge. Have not requested anything from him, but talked alot about physical practices which is something I am interested in. Yes he knows it all   

You probably are right reg DoH, though have had the impression that Daniel Ingram and awakening to reality blog spot is a theme that many here are attracted to.

I can write what I thought though. What I mean is: what is an transmission, deity, text transmission or mudra? Like how is it "created"? It has started to make sense from my experience now, how when you percieve truly that samsara and nirvana are the same, there are innummerable forms. It can be wrath, compassion, peaceful, healing passionate and so forth, there is no end really. This can be called  deities and can be transmitted to a sincere student, if it may help him/her. All movements of the master who have reached this realizations are mudras, it can be one simple finger gesture, set if movements, dances or yogapostures, all this can be transmitted as well and the student can train in it and master it. MEANING, mastering nature of mind (thats the crusial point which makes it different from say all other things). 
Sounds become mantras and there are texts. All of this require a guru/ a buddha who has realised sameness of samsara and nirvana as well as realized the unity of the three bodies.

​​​​​There are tons of different deities and so on, because in different times people have had different needs, like in Pemako there is much more wrathful deities in say yuthoks medicine lineage of what I am aware. I think almost all deities I have recieved are also in the trad nyigma school, except one I have not heard of. There might be other deities though at one point, but I dont know.

Its also currious how say a mudra essentially is given by transmission, from one who have reached realization like the one I explained, so all mudras or postures done in gyms in the west becomes sort of silly when you think they might all originated from real masters and then watered down untill there is just dust left of what used to be a kingdom originated from realization. Though might have some energetic effect in terms of alignemt as well as health of stretching muscels, its really not the same at all.

Thats the thoughts I had. There also are requirments in lineages, some have different vows and so on, like there are tranmissions I wont get from Kim because then he have different requirments to the student.Thanks for engament Ni Nurta. 

So few things from today and yesterday. I have recently thought alot about time, I think I have started to remember how there used to be an identity that was somewhere located in a time in history, a year, had birth, and grew up, and inbetween all these events, there would be longer and shorter "gaps" of "time", all in one long fine (time) line.
Related to this spesifcally there has been at least two very noticable shifts. At one point I had a shift in which the fluxuation of awarness stopped, and after that being in the present moment would have this stillness to it, like time doesnt pass.
Second there would also be at least one event, where I completely dropped into utter timeless presence, like the whole time thing was utterly destroyd for a "moment". I have tried to make sense of how "no time" and "even more no time" make any sense, as this might sound contradictory, but the reason bringing it up, is that the ponderings I have had, and that I have felt that these two notions of time(s) are sliding more and more to the latter one, like it really doesnt feel like time exist at all anymore. Same actually goes for space, not only is there no physical space in any absolute sense, but also the "space" of being in a country or in a solarsystem, is aslo labels inputed on phenomena, and have no absolute reality in that regard. 
If I am to make sense of the moment, it more feels like stuff or causes comming together in as the present moment, like you might talk about causes and the relation of - this is that is- which makes the whole game complely relative, sooo still no problem talking about time and use that messure at all. 
I talked to a friend over dinner yesterday, and she had it the same way, also said that for her these causes could go away, like as procrastiation or forgetting something, but still be as clear when they might present themselves a month or so later. Like the fading out didnt happen in the same way as before. I dont know how to explain this, but it makes sense to me in a way. Like if the clinging to the labels before and after and now, doesnt happen, then also there is no diminishing or increasing as in terms of more or less clinging. There is just the happening, and intention of lesser or smaller degree, but that is very different from clinging as it is completely effortless, still with a "direction" of sort. 


On the train back home yesterday, I came to think about this relativeness of things. And something flipped in the mind, I doesnt seem to be able to write it down anymore (I did, and then the page refreshed and all was lost), but thats just a sign that it wasnt very thorough. But it was about how things are all relative in dependent on each other, and for some reason it was like I got my one foot that have been in the nihilist camp for a long time, up. Like I have been prone to get into pointlessness after shifts, like its empty which first is great, (and more also how smell, self, small notions are relative inputations on phenomena, which also is to say they are empty) but then clinging to something comes back, and it has a tendency to go in the direction of "fuck its empty so its pointless", also related to practice, motivation etc... But after yesterday, it was like even that pointlessness is relative, inputation on phenomena. Obviously having a hard time here put this into words how I feel, but it feels great! Like I think nihilsm is just another way of eternalism, in the sense that pointless or eternal both are Absolute stances in a way, like "this is how it is". Funny thing is how sobering it felt yesterday and today, like this relativity is so "stable", no contradiction!

Today I woke up again after an interesting dream and was laying in bed thinking about it and doing some googling. After I had a quite good session, like I feel lighter and freer than before. The throat and neck started opening, and these deep tensions started to unravel for some moments, and in general I am feeling pretty good.

No contradiction ​​​​​​​

Indead George  

So related to the two shifts. The first mentioned was permanent, like have not changed even though it half a year ago. The other one, though "bigger" in one sense, was more like a peak, or experience. There has been at least one similar one, put they are different in flawor. Like the first one is taking an elevator to 7th floor, and then you dont move from there and you have all the knowledge there is about the 7th floor at all times, while the second I mentioned is like you shoot up to the top, have a peak, and then go back to 7th, though with some of the insight from the top peak, its not a lived experience. And what I tried to explain here is that it still feels like the elevator is moving, and "blending" with the qualities of that other insight, like trying to put together a complete view. 

Mostly boddhicitta today, and in general + analyzing the energy body and its out layers, noticed earler and today that some released on monday evening and in the afterglow from it on tuesday, like some knots are not there anymore. While doing boddhicitta practice this evening the thought of Sri Yukteshwar came to mind and recieved blessings and sat with him for a while. Then I did a bit googling on the kria yogis but think I just need to accept that I am not able to keep at this for a long time, interviews, reading and so on, I just bored and distracted. I used to read alot before, but now I prefer sitting. 
I think the only books I have been reading seriously for the last six months(?) are Dudjom Lingpas Buddhahood without meditation and Longchenpas basic space of phenomena, but they have all I need so its fine (also think this log is pretty repetative in that regard hehe, everyone should read those books!!!). 

Yesterday something loosened up, and clearity cognizant has been on quite effortlessly since then, before I went to bed yesterday it was like body and mind felt almost like the same thing.
Today after talking to a friend, I sat down for short guru yoga session and the blessings from Guru Rinpoche and Yeshe Tsogyal ignited something, like my body started cracking up and so since there is no clinging in this experience, its like the body start to re-wire itself, like stagnated channels suddenly are able to move, mainly in the throat and uper chest and solar plexus (its pretty tightly connected in my case), it felt really good as well as slitghly painfull, like its unbelievable how much pain there is in a body. Its not first time this has happened, and sometimes the re-wiring is sort of "fullfilled" like a proper shift, while other times like today, and actually also the weeked and last monday it more like an partial mini-shift/cessation. So mapping this together it feels like things are moving but I am unable to/its doesnt seem to happen all at once. I kind of wish it did, but if I am to going further back this has happened so many times, and sometimes creating coughing, sweating and so on, so in my experience this is just something that need to take the time it takes and I cant push it, and small insights happens along the way. Still wakefullness and this deep embodyment happens today, like dont have to look for rigpa, see how long it lasts. 

Other than this, practice is the same, still focusing on boddhicitta mainly, also wrathfull practices and empowerment mantras. Since I am aware alot of my current practice concerns the energy body outside the body, I have tried giving more emphasis to prana practices I know that concerns these areas, like full mala of empowerment mantras and full or half mala of tonglen, emphasing breathing (and various kinds of breathings), to these areas, 
I didnt get the "prana" thing so much before, but have been giving it more attention lately in my own little "workshops", and its currious to investigate what difference is with practices with or without prana, or prana + mantras, or prana without mantras, making some notes. 

So it seems like the cessation is keep on lasting though the day (here meaning cessation differently in therevada (nirodha-samāpatti), like abiding nirvana vs non-abiding nirvana are different things in my understanding. 
So I get sidetracked into stories still while its happening, but it usually very quickly release into lucidity without effort, and there is no difference between the two, so even day dreaming can be "fine" if its like that. This evening it has gotten so "intense" sometimes, like I sit and lucidity will just grow and grow, and then get dimmer and then might start growing again. Also the timelessness is really striking, like no time whatsoever, never was such a thing (I just wrote about this, but really there is no time!).
Few times awarness feels like even though its completely "still" or "ungraspable" in one sense, its also powerfull, like my throat and head and chest is sqeezed in a sort of mega-wake massage or whatever to call it, and things begin to release, like sometimes feeling how small channels opens up and prana and pure energy can flow like a river in those clear channels, or small explosion of bliss. Yesterday something released and it felt like I got my voice back or something. Like this introverted side of me that is there due to childhood trauma/protection, changed or got light on it and I just feel more sane and normal in regard to being my own person, sounds almost like self help shit but feels wonderful  

I think roughly speaking this would be my one and a half/second day of this, which I think is new record. Though again there are sidetracks throughout the day here and there, so very rough estimate, will see tomorrow how it is. 

Wrote this today, a bit more poetic than it usually goes, but I feel quite confident on these insights now so think its ok. Its on how I understand emptiness  atm (from the question in the sangha: what is emptiness?) might need to write something about how I see birth and death at one point to clearify if that is interesting to people:

"I think for me what I keep coming back to is that emptiness is the core of all reality. That nothing is outside or separate from it. Really you cant point your finger on anything thats isnt it, even the finger taste like emptiness sometimes. Countless times some brilliant yogi realized it, figured it all out, wrote it down and gave it a name and method for those willing and open to realize it too.
To me, since emptiness is reality, the problem is how can we fail to grasp it? Deluded about gross and subtle concepts pointing to real things, appearances seem solid when they are not, things seem permanent when they arent. There seem to be an beginning and end to things but there isnt, and though the body certainly have a time limit, in reality there is no birth or death either. Also time and space are only stuborn fixation on subtle ideas. So am I.
When they dissolve in space-like clearity, they are seen as utterly unreal, still appearing. Also more and more recently is separation to others seen as unreal, and natural kindness emerge as duality grows dimmer."

This morning it was not clear like yesterday, but now it has started again thoughts being weightless and effortless precense, like nothing sticks. Practice is the same. Read about Russian invading Ukrain and feels sick. Dont know what to say really, I hate wars and cant understand it, like if I hear planes or explosions I get this really wierd feeling, like this is the worst of the worst to me. And now this morning its like the air has metal and in it, it feels like I am close to the war or somethign, this has not happened before. Leaves me mute, cant believe that people do this to others. 


Since its a fucked up day I thought I leave my go-to practice for generating boddhicitta, its what I use both on and off the cussion for long time now (also one other actually but wont bother finding it now), it can be with you through the day non-stop, its not like that for me but has been a few times, as much as one is comfortable with. My teachers says, make the vows part of you, and thats also a way to go about this.

Also found a qote recently by guru rinpoche that gave me shivers, so thought I share it too.
I think it makes all the difference if one has had stream entry in the case of guru yoga. Because in that case you have some familiarity with your own mind, and so its more intuitive how the guru is not separate from you and you dont (necessarily) have to struggle with all the sceptisism, nor get dogmatic and wierd about it either.
In case of the latter practice, have his immage above your head and instantly you should be able to feel soft radiating presence, like litterarily this should happen at once. You can also request guru rinpoches blessings, and it will happen in an instant. This is direct gateway to clear wakefullness, and then rest of the path is to intergrate everything into it little by little. This can also be done all day long, though again not my habit, but for some it is.
​​​​​​​
Understand also I have being all over the place talking about boddhicitta in my practice, its ups and downs, and plenty of mistakes and sidetracks for sure and hope its not confusing for readers, that its investigated with healty sceptisism..  And its by no means perfect how I practice at all. But it really is the thing in mahayana, its with you from beginning to end as I see it and there is no way avoiding it, and so its prone to be the topic of confusion sometimes too. 



----------Boddhicitta----------

From Phagmo Drupa, Gampopas Mahamudra:

"Compassion, and the enlightenment mind, think as follows. “Throughout my lives without beginning and for an inconceivable number of times, every one of the sentient beings has been mother to me and helped me; they are very kind. These very kind mothers should have their kindness returned. They should be helped. They should be brought to happiness.” Making the mind certain of that is loving kindness.

Think as follows: “When I look at these motherly beings to see whether they have happiness or not right now, I discover that they do not. They live with the causes of unsatisfactoriness, are experiencing the results of that, and do not have the conditions for happiness. These beings ignorant of the authentic meaning are like a blind man separated from a guide; how I feel for them! Compassion for each of them!” Meditating that way until you cannot bear it is compassion."

---------Guru Yoga---------

The final words of Padmasambhava to his Tibetan disciples, as recorded in “Guru Pema Here and Now”, by the 8th Khamtrul Rinpoche, translated by Keith Dowman.

“I am free of birth and death,
My mind is free of coming and going
And compassionate awareness in the now is unceasing. In mind's nature, which is a wish-fulfilling gem, I have no thought of happiness or suffering.
Visualize me as an ornament on the crown of your head And there is no distance between us. In this mandala of buddhas that is my body, No corporeal substance contaminates it.
Like this, create respect and devotion in your mind. Now through my miraculous power I am leaving. Your physical bodies cannot follow me.
Invoke me intensely, And I will be with you continuously.”

So the cessation stopped sometime yesterday. Practice as normal. 

So this morning some time it started again, and have been effortless timeless clarity on an off during the day, again lets see how long it lasts.  On saturdayay there was building up alot of guilt in me, I have not realised I have so much guilt in me, could be many reasons I guess. When I sit these days its especially easy to recognize rigpa (also when there is not cessation), and the guilt would come and come and go, was really good sessions.   Other than that reading the news, it breakes my heart. Also reminds me of impermanence and how samsara always goes towards suffering, nothing really last.

Ok, so last cessation didnt last long. Then things went back somehwat. Though today something happened again and will try to write about it. 

Basicay same as some weeks ago, but then I struggled to put it into words. This morning drinking coffee this came to me/ this is experience more or less. Will need to grind it some and embody it, see how long it lasts or if there is gap.
All things are by nature empty, they are clear like illusions but still appearing. 
They arise in dependens on all other things, and this is how it always has been and alwayd will be. 
Since it arise on what is already empty, there is no first cause, no eternalism. 
Since it arise dependently, karma is very realy and there is no nihilism. 
Since its all empty this is ultimately how things are, and since it arise dependently conventionally there is no straying from ultimate, not one inch but the same thing. And they are both true!  
​​​​​​Since whatever thought arise is clear and empty, all separation from others are total illusions, and so kindness and compassion is natural expression of reality. 
​​​​​​In a sense there is no path, since this has always been the case, deluded or not deluded. Though if one goes off, rejecting teachings thinks you can do it all on your own.. youre a complete morron, dont reject teachings. 

​​​​​​​Thats it, will see if I come back to this. Peace and love. 

​​​​​


​​​​

Need to re phrase first sentence. 

"Things are clear and empty, still appearing like illusions". 
​​​​​​Yup, better.  

Been going around today thinking I should practice, but it feels more important to just grind on this, so I have been walking around in the house, sitting at the kitchen chare
​​​​or in the living room chair just let dharma happen, sweet sweet dharma, might listen to some music or take a shower. 

There's no greater delusion than thinking you are no longer deluded 

Well, there still is delusion for me but these things make sense to me more than ever, and not gonna hide it. 
​​​​​​

Awesome ​​​​​​​

​​​​​​​Can't resist calling on Huangbo: Your true nature is something never lost to you even in moments of delusion, nor is it gained at the moment of Enlightenment.

Bingo  

​​​​​​​Is Hungbo one of your favourite dharma guys, seem to remember you brought him up before?

Yeah I like all the Chan masters

https://www.zhenhost.net/huang/huangpo.pdf

Cool, thanks. 

So yesterdays kick lasted a while into the night, and it took some time for me to get to sleep. Today its quite clear but not the same thing. Several thing has also surfaced and dissolved, mainly fear.

I noticed today I can more clearly percieve the subtle concepts/counsciousness relating to body, mind, eyes, ears, mouth etc.. like I understand now that seeing these concepts as also empty and dependt arising, means getting to the point of no eye, no ears and so on... this is the same as saying that you fully crash the "this that" dichotomy. Had few glimpses by now and there is no doubt this where boddhicitta arise from, because duality really isnt the case and so you identify to others in a much more pure and genuine way.​​​​
I could intuite it (no eyes, no ears etc..) before as well, but now it is really clear. Also know people in my sangha have reached that point, so just have to keep at it.

In general practice is same. I have more time thes days so mornings usually goes: physical practices, boddhicitta, RBY with emphasis on breathing practices. The rest of the day is more impro depending on what I feel like or have time for, like yesterday I just ended up walking around lol.
I have emphasised the refuge and vows more than before both on and of the cussioun repeating them and contemplating them.

So today and yesterday I have heard myself say to those I am close with in terms of practice that there really isnt any awarness, like there duality of searching and awarness being somewhere was a mistake, doesnt make sense talking about awarness being something or somewhere separate. Very simple and good experience. And obviously there still is delusion, but new kind of description I guess. 

RIP AWARENESS - death of a sacred cow  

Haha ​​​​​​​​​

I had the experience of the ocean awarness few days ago, on and off, its like an ocean of purity really, was so simple and joyus, I dont think I ever have felt that goodhearted joy really in my grownup life.
Now there is non anymore and its even hard to remember what it was like. So back to practice as usual. 
Came to think that there has to be loads of various experineces in this log, some might be familiar to people and some not, hope its interesting or helpful for people to read, and if there are questions just fire away, also enjoy the comment from George and others   Have a nice monday. May all beings be free from suffering
​​​​​​​ ​​​​​ 

So to be clear, there is still lag in this realization, and I doubt this is flawless though I felt pretty certain when I wrote it. Now I am embarrased to say I cant really revisit this experience at least not with the power it had when I wrote it, so thats how it goes sometimes, getting excited, so just a reminder to myself and others how this stuff like this is temporary, certainty is the real thing really, fucking fuck I need to practice more  

Something peeked with the last posts and the poem and the ocean of purity and joy awarness. After that it went "downhill" in a sense. Different things happened, and seems like I hit a karmic storage unit, and have had some nausea and also vomiting, this has also happened before and I know its this so not worried about covid really or anything like that. One time before last summer I had a full day of karmic barking lol.. so its to be expected.
Also it has been increasinlgy obvious to me in recent events and also some research on my own, that my ability to express emotions in a healthy boundry kind of way is seriously messed up due to some childhood trauma. Like to purify emotions into wisdom expression, they need to arise, but I have come to a point where it very clear how some of my habitual patterns is about numbing emotions, which either means I am really not able to express myself properly in some situations, or that it overheats and comes out all at once which isnt good either. I know what trauma this is due to, but still embarrased I have been so oblivious to it, and how bad the consequences of this has been to myself and others. I have been thinking of trying therapy as that is adviced with this kind of thing and I feel it would be good for me at this point actually, but will have to wait a little first and also I dont have much money really. I asked Kim about it, and he gave me few tips. I got some consecrated vibhuti ash to take on the body every day, also adviced tp do alot of wrathfull practices (and have done dorje drolo for several days already), and deep stretching and more dynamic exercises. The ash is insanely powerfull, like tiger balm infused with love so thats just wonderful really, didnt think that could happen  but blessings and concecration is very real, and I have started to be quite serious when I bless my food and whatever I take into my body after trying the vibhuti. 
With reg to practice, the no awarness is the default, I enjoy doing more power practices and feel I have needed that for some time really. I had hoped the ocean awarness would come back again, like when it happened there is really no talk of comming or going into awarness as its just how it is, but feels abit wierd writing about it now as its not the case in same way anymore.
In my experience, from point of no awarness (which is a different experience from the ocean awarness in my experience) this doesnt mean there is no rigpa obviously, but that the knowing is so clear and default, so the "looking" for awarness or awanress being something different or solid becomes sort of silly, like the whole looking game is a samsaric play on its own, still this wasnt exactly the same as the "no comming no going" experience of ocean purity, even though I am using quite similar words here, not sure if it make sense to people?
Anyway, I still after this I fall prey to that game lol, and are trying to in between sessions to just ease down as much as possible and let it all go on its own. The fear and numbing is such a big part of me and has become so obvious recently, I know there is selfing in this which makes the whole relaxing natural a bit harder, but feels like this is the way now (and sure this is the case for most people that grapple with the same type of practice), and also tired of doing mantras or vizualisations all the time during the day and want to enjoy and relax more, like the habits of practice on its own can be a bit troubling at some point.. Also its not big in the sense that I cant do stuff and people have way worse traumas that this of course, but in small moments of selfing it does take away freedom and expression of this naturalness, and its clear its necessary for me to get through it someway or another. 

I'm happy to listen if you want to talk. My email is agnostic246 AT gmail DOT com

Thats really kind of you George, I have friends and family I trust so not worried in that regard. It seems like I will try some rtt session soon a friend have kept recomendng so see how that turns out. Not sure what will happen with therapy but thought about it before too that it could be good for me to cover some aspects with help from a professional, will see what happens, there is no rush and again I am really fine compared to most people there is no problem, but I get impatient quite quickly and tired of going in circles in some aspects of my life. 
But I can send you an e-mail and we can chat more out of public eye, would like to hear about your path more really, teachers and practices you are into etc.. I have enjoyd your input in this thread  

So I keep saying now I will do like this and now I will do like that. Truth is I seem to not follow up on it, something makes sense and then later something else make sense, either way staying in rigpa is the point and I just have to accept sometimes I practice mantras, vizualisation, naturalness and so forth, really no set standard as long as rigpa happens, so practice is a bit messy, but it works, I am not sure if its the best way but I guess I like it like this that I have the oppurtunity to experiement and figure things out. Also it gives room to practice a guru or deity or boddhicitta when I feel like it. 
What I have been up to last week or so is I started readin a book on chöd, like a collection of many texts, which really hit home for me (and also I have said I only read two books, and also said I should read this and that so there we go, so no point to trust what I am writing). Anyway, there is talk of four devils, tangible, untanglie, extersion and inflation. Inflation is 5 kleshas (which is the root for allt he three others), and I think untangible are 6 sense counsciousnessess. Anyway I have tried various things (and all of them seem to work for main purpose). Offering the 6 counsciounessess to gurus, bless them and give to various sentient beings (like chöd), or see them as waves on the ocean in the ocean of awarness. Point is, there are sublte streams of thoughts "about" the body, mind, eyes and so forth, making them seem solid when they are not, and this is what I work with so not metaphor or vizualisation without knowing the object I practice on, I guess it depends on practice and lineage how this works put they all I think have ways to cut through these things. When I do this rigpa happens (more?), and today and yesterday its been quite strong and some releasing, in short moments the grasping at the body drops and I start to get that it simply is pure awarness, it is the body of a deity and always has been, like you dont take away the solidty, it never was solid. Also non duality becomes more and more evident, like few times its clear that awarness or reality whatever you might call it, doesnt have boundries, edges, separation at all, and all beings are of the same "space" equally ,this being followed by really strong sense of love which really scares me (and its the same that has happened before but now it lasts longer). If I am able to stay in it this there is no point to generate boddhicitta at all, its already there.. also few moments like this the confusion reg 6 sense c being solid things drops, and I dare say this is the experience of "no eyes, no ears etc.." like there isnt any duality of senses or sense object at all, its all the same thing, and the feeling of "having eyes" which is merely concepts of eye, are seen as empty, extremely simple, non dual and natural experience but very short lived too.
Also been experimenting with 5 kleshas and contrary five buddha familes, or simply focus on the kleshas in a chöd like manner, think myself in the azura realm, and then feel how strong the pride is in me and around me and then offer my body and so forth which has the same effect, seeing through pride equalness happens, seing through ignorance space like dharmakaya happens.. and so forth, or meditate on the corresponding buddhas, vairocana, amithaba, ratnasambhava does the same thing..
So it feels great ! Still clearly some of the core trauma is in the body and I have not been able to cut through this, nor stabelized any of these experiences at all, so I dont know how long this will take, or if its just a momentary phase before something else comes on my radar.
Except from that practice is quite usual, I have  different living circumstances for some days so I can finally do shouting again which is lovely, also some rushen and other more dynamic exercises. 

So much not happened since last post. Practice is dorje drolo every day and deep stretching. I have moments where what seems to be the remaing issue in the body is very clear. The throat is connected to the back of the head, which I have been told is where the subconscious mind is, its connected through constapated knots and channels, that as before dissolves a little bit now and then, getting this knot in the head is kind of lovely as a matter of change, like discovering a new thing appart from the stupid throat knot. These stretches to the tailbone and hips along the, and for a while I thouhght I had got myself a back injury from sitting on a bad chair due to a newly discovered back pain, but I figured its acutally energy blockages in the tailbone and also hips which I think for me especially is there due to surgery I had few times when I was a child and that still carries some bodily trauma of some kind, sometimes this makes me slightly limp. It might be some physical of course, but alot actually released and I think its more a matter of habitual mind over long time of being in "prepare mode". Same goes for throat, I have had throat issues since I was a child and also surgery at one point and now I think these problem will actually dissolve, but remains to see what is purely physical after the knots have dissolved fully of course. 

After seeing emptiness of sense consciousnessess for short while from last post, something also shifted  (I thought it was a matter of stablizing but it turned out to really change something), its like there is not longer a label "about" the body or appearing as carrying information about the body, there just is name, body, eye, good and bad and neutral (meaning there is not the experience of no eyes, no ears atm), meaning even more subtle. Just after that little shift things was really wierd, because this primal, "want this - dont want that" in terms of either outer of inner things was so primal and evident, and it became really strange navigating in the world for a while because this push pull mechanism wasnt hidden anymore. Hard to explain but was almost like a computer game, in sense of options and very few and "stupid" in a sense, like there is no creativity or sponaneity available. I had a visit from a friend, and he talked about names and forms in terms of these very subtle layers that obscure the dynamic or in my experience "organic" display of awarness, and I looked into it and thats how it seems too. Like there is the mental fabrication of a chair as "solid", "soft", "square","ugly" etc... that distorts that natural display all the time, it distort the constantly "woke" nature of phenoma, same I guess goes for good and bad or neutral, which relates to the strong pull and push I had. Like I assume things in themselves are not good or bad by nature, but thats what mind makes it seem to be. I looked into it for few days and then lost interest, might come back might not will see  

Also talked about the point of certainty with him and got some really good pointers. Like I sometimes read people having insights, and the certainty they express seems so clear. I dont know if this is due to the insight they had, which I do believe it is that can create doubtless certainty in one sense depending on practice/person/lineage/teacher/time put into practice and momentum etc.. affects how ones realization is. As a sidenote I do think that maybe lack of knowledge of other insights make it happen that one isnt on guard or searching more, and then settling with lesser stages of awakening too, like Eckhart Tolle, which is kind of an unfortunate way of being certain if its the case that deeper insights are possible. Anyway, for me its always been a matter of very certain and times and full of doubt other times. Like if I have had a shift, the mind doesnt go back after that and that is certain, no one can take that away from you, but I still can have dark nights, or find some traditional explanation to be more farfetched or hard to relate to which makes me doubt. Sometimes I can relate, but I might get the impression a masters insight is stable when for me it was only a glimpse and so on.. also how one practice I think determine how realization occur as already mentioned., at this point I dont care so much about this, but it used to trouble me alot before since there are so many descriptions out there.

Anyway, reg certainty in dzogchen I believe there is only certainy in the natural state being the ground for both samsara and nirvana, meaning seeing all phenomena as empty, and certainty in that is the only point really and also what liberates.. So awarness or knowing is almost completely default, or say very very accesible to me, but still mind appears and rules the show and I get for example into doubts, confusion about this or that (not this and that in terms of inner and outer, but choices and so on).. basically the traidmark of samsaric mind still owns some land in this vessel.
My friend said I simply should aim for hundred percent certainty which really resonates with me, like cut through everything all the time, and leave the natural state bare and reach certainty that that is in fact the nature of things, the only valid ground for expression. I probably have written this loads of times already already lol, like rigpa has to be there all the time, and it gets increasingly obvious with practice, but his point to be utterly certian in your recognition all the time is the way to go now for me and deeply resonates. 
So mind appears, and dissolves in knowingness, channels in throat + head and back/tailbone needs to dissolve, dorje drollo is the man, stretching, boddhicitta + whatever practice feel like, certainty though needs to happen. Cheers. 

Switched from Dorje Drolo to Vajrakilaya, also doing vajra guru mantra all this month which feels so good having a rythm in this familiarization to Padamsambhava. 

Hi! I was wondering, have you tried yin yoga or restorative yoga exercises for those energy blockages you describe? If so, does it help? I'm asking because I have a working hypothesis that at least some of the energy blockages manifest physically as contractions in the fascia. At least they seem to do so for me. I'm curious if others have similar experiences. I'm not suggesting that yin yoga exercises can replace dissolving habitual patters, but maybe they can assist. After all, we tend to hold on to habitual patterns in embodied ways. I find that yoga makes me more open to facing the issues by helping me to literally let my guard down. Sometimes I find that Hatha yoga and other forms of yoga involving active muscle work needs to be complemented with really slow yoga work with relaxed muscles so that the fascia can let go. 

Nerdy mapping note: I even find that the contractions of my fascia seems to correspond with the PoI cycling described in MCTB2. 

Glad to hear that your practice is going well and that you are enjoying it! 

Hi Linda  

A friend told me exactly the same thing today lol, and that this is where the meridians go which is the logic she used, and that facia is used in acupuncture. So, I think you are right that it is relevant reg energy blockages. I tried it many years ago and liked it, probably need to try it now since it been recommended to me twice all of a sudden. My concern is that it might make me drowsy or sleepy, and that is the very thing that has maintained this numbness for so long, and why I was given quite strong and dynamic exercises (which also helps a lot). But I will have a look around and see if I find something, or if you have some tips let me know.
The whole path map I use concerns the energy body and so every time there has been a shift there is changes in the physical body as well, and in this particular case I don’t doubt that it will resolve if I get through the next shift on the list. But energy body is a waste subject and various approaches, and outside my own practice I don’t know much except some qi gong. I prefer though if I can investigate the theories myself in experience though. 

Yes, practice is good Short update. Yesterday I watched some videos of Daniel Brown and then went for a walk, I tried to remain in the zero dimensionality of rigpa, and it is simply perfect. Still the point is to have utter confidence and certainty in this state, and I keep falling back all the time. 
I keep switching with the wrathful deities I have empowerment for each day (Varjavarahi, Dorje Drolo, Dorje Gotrab, Vajrayogini, Vajrakilaya and Dorje Drakpo) then there is boddhicitta, Guru Rinpoche recitation and other deities if I feel like it (like today and yesterday I have practiced a lot of vajrasattva). 

Okay, interesting!  

For me, yin yoga and the occasional restorative yoga actually makes me less sleepy and drowsy. It is even recommeded to help with adrenal fatigue, for instance. 

I have taken classes with different teachers (before covid) and nowadays I do it on my own using various resources on youtube as inspiration. I find that listening to instructions from many different teachers is helpful for triangulating and getting to know what works for me. For instance, in yin yoga I had to find out which muscles I still need to use very selectively so as to stabilize some limbs to avoid over-straining them. 

Aight, thats good to know  
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Hi.
So I have decided that I don't want to keep writing this log anymore. I have felt like that for some time now, that not everything is fit for writing here. I will leave it open so people can read it, at least for a while. If someone find something interesting, have question on my practice, or for some other -Dharma related - just ask here.
I will keep hanging around on this forum so I won't be leaving really, maybe if something comes to mind I will start other threads.
May all beings be free!

Oskar


 

Just to nuance myself a bit re yin yoga and sleepiness. I just did it very late at night and fell asleep doing it, so it is possible to get sleepy from it, but then again, it is past midnight and I was already sleep deprived, so I needed the sleep. And it felt great!

I will miss the opportunity of reading your log, but I respect your decision. Just know that you are always welcome to comment in my log and share your own experiences in it. If you want to compare notes more privately, you can reach me at linda@orulv.se. However, I suck at checking my inbox, so please let me know in my log that I should check it. 

Haha, well l see your point though, l have it on my list now.

Ok, thank you and thanks for encouragment and openness. I get notified about your log so will be updated about whats going on. 
​​​​​​​But if l may ask, what are you going for these days. MCTB insights or something else? Whats your plan l mean? 
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