-It's an impermanent source of suffering that definitely wasn't me. 

one of my favorite farting stories: http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2010/10/koan.html?q=fart  

I have often mused that kapok-filled zafus are actually "silencers" for vegetarian food toots.

whoopee zen cushion anyone?

acutally i was about to write that no-one was brave enough to engage with this and shargol (bless) got there first.

Ashley i like your attitude.  Perhaps if you find yourself in that hall, just go for the 'silent but deadly'.  Keep your poker face and repeat the mantra 'its wasnae me, it wasnae me'.  Or in sanskrit: 'Om farti-pants not-me hum'.  It will have a purifying effect.

There's satisfaction to be got from this, but it has limited sustain, so you're safe, and not holding it in and being a cripple is a wise move.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find a sutta reference to flatulence, it will educate us all.

my first retreat was a month ago and the majority of us were clearly *not* adapted to the strictly vegetarian cuisine served. The first few days were a riot of gut rumblings and desperate failed attempts at the silent release. I just had to laugh at my own embarrassment and let it go, figuratively and literally.