Siavash's Log 9

Siavash's Log 9 Siavash ' 7/29/22 9:26 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 1/14/23 12:33 PM
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Siavash's Log 9 - Remedy for indecisiveness? Siavash ' 1/21/23 1:54 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9 Siavash ' 8/5/23 1:54 AM
RE: Siavash's Log 9 Papa Che Dusko 8/5/23 8:07 AM
RE: Siavash's Log 9 Pepe · 8/5/23 11:04 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9 Papa Che Dusko 9/17/23 10:14 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9 Chris M 10/7/23 8:26 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9 Papa Che Dusko 10/25/23 4:36 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9 Chris M 12/20/23 8:03 AM
RE: Siavash's Log 9 Papa Che Dusko 12/20/23 10:58 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9 Papa Che Dusko 12/10/23 12:08 AM
RE: Siavash's Log 9 Ni Nurta 12/10/23 3:59 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9 Siavash ' 12/10/23 11:30 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9 Chris M 12/21/23 12:54 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9 Papa Che Dusko 1/13/24 2:06 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9 Papa Che Dusko 1/19/24 12:24 PM
RE: Siavash's Log 9 Siavash ' 2/15/24 12:16 PM
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 7/29/22 9:26 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 7/29/22 9:26 PM

Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
There has been a conflict going on. I get an impulse frequently, to record experiences, and another impulse to share, but each time immediately a question follows: Why. And then there is silence. Just silence. I guess the impulse hase more power than the rational mind. I've been trying to work with fear and insecurity, and the fear and insecurity wants to survive by these impulses.., let's do this, let's not do that.... I guess I am throwing a piece of bread to it to silence it, or whatever.
It reminds me of Ayn al-Quzat Hamadani's letter. He wrote something like:

I truely don't know that what I wrote is virtue or vice,
I wish, once for all, I would become an ignorant, so that I become free of myself,
If I write something in stillness or motion, I'd become extremely affliected with it,
If I write something in the path to God, I become afflicted too,
Whatever I write it wouldn't befit,
If I don't write it wouldn't befit,
If I say, it wouldn't befit,
If I stay queit, it wouldn't befit,
If I recount this, or not recount this, it wouldn't befit,
If I become silent, it wouldn't befit either.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 7/30/22 12:10 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 7/29/22 10:36 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 I've been practicing for around two weeks, because my life got to a point that I noticed I won't be able to make any helpful decisions without helping my state of mind first. I've been doing audio recording, hoping that later I put them on text, but as I said above, there is a conflict there. And based on history, what is likely to happen is that, I'll forget about the recordings, and some years later I will accidentally find it, and think, why the hell I had recorded this shit, anyway. So I guess I'll write the things that I found important, because, it wins!

Been doing fire kasina, body/breath awareness and See-Hear-Feel combinations. First 4-5 days there was lots of sleepiness and long sleep, over 10 hours each time, once I slept for 17 hours. After about a week the tension in the body decreased, and there were some findings about emotions and etc. One thing I found helpful was that I get a tension in the body whenever there is a conflict in the view, or something happens that is different from my expectation, or I am exposed to a view that is different from my expected view. In the early part I thought the tension in the abdomen is mostly fear, but then I noticed it could be that it's fear and grief, because I noticed more tension in my neck and throat, and noticed tht usually the tension arises first in the neck, throat and back of the head, its lower part, and around the eyes sometimes, then it arises in the solar plexus and lower belly. So instead of focusing on the abdomen, I put the attention on the neck region, and that helped a lot with reducing tension in the whole breathing. Breathing became way easier. Then I remembered that when covid first hit and I got sick and hack difficulty breathing, I had noticed this, and I'd do it sometimes in bed at that period.
I noticed again and again, that relaxing the body is way important for me than trying to stabilize the attention or increasing the clarity or whatever, because I am aware of the whole body most of the time, and have no difficulty keeping the attention steady for good duration, but over efforting causes tension, and that prevents the body-mind from opening.

Noticing the beauty and stillness in the external visual object would easily bring equanimity and concentration, and I was surprised that I don't use this much, and it has been available for me for years, but I just forget it. Last few days I started listening to Rob Burbea's jhana retreat, not because I wanted to do jhanas, but because I was dissatisfied with everything, and wanted to have an anchor for the attention, and his voice is a good one for me. And I found loads of helpful points in his talks. I had heard and noticed all of them before, but some of them didn't resonate this much before. One thing he reminded was that if you can get piti, you can have access to the jhanas, and I was trying to get piti, thinking that it desn't arise, and may not arise, while it was all around, just wanting to be seen, and remembering that I had it easily on and off cushion. When you can't see it, you can't see it, simple.

I followed my plan successfuly with practice and with changing some destructive habits. It went relatively good. Then two days ago I noticed I am over efforting again, frequently wanting to have different result. I thought that the next day could be a difficult one especially because it was Friday, and important to me for my life situation. Yesterday (yesterday on calendar, for me it's all today, since the aversion to sleep arose again and I have stayed away these two days) I got some negativity, then forced myself to go forward and it was very good for some hours, then all hell broke loose. The self-sabotage dial went to 11, and self-worth dropping down. But it was interesting, as if one foot stands firm, I watched and let all the negativity to unfold, and I watched this other part that stayed firm, saying .. I don't care, I won't let you destroy all of it, I've done work for this for valid reasons... . Very interesting. Different emotions arose and passed with high intensity, weakness, strength, joy, grief, anger and frustration, and sometimes expressing them in bold ways, like the flood that yesterday killed all those people, it settled down after it killed them, and then there was stillness, with a crushed body. I had stopped practicing and had opened my computer after two weeks, but the piti and vibrations that had difficulty spreading, started to spread (Different though -- slower, wider, in larger areas, so a shift..). I watched the videos of the flood with a rational view, not getting emotional at all. But when the rain started becoming crazy here, then it changed. Each positive and negative vedana caused a cry, without becoming a fully formed emotion, the rational mind was not involved, it was pure energetic and emotional. Then letting go. The sun has come up, but the clouds are standing there, staring at its eyes, telling, we will give you water if you give us blood.
 
shargrol, modified 1 Year ago at 7/30/22 5:48 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 7/30/22 5:48 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 2344 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
This sounds really good. I'm glad you are writing down the things that interest you. Even if we outgrow our current ideas, I feel that writing them down helps us understand things better now and helps make the progress happen. So sure, at some point we will look back from a new position, but it's good to honor the truth of where you are at now, the things you are thinking about now, the things you want to explore now...

Practice and development is always going to be messy. Especially if we are looking at it from the inside. It's funny, people outside of us don't usually see our internal troubles and challenges, to them it might just seem like were getting better and better through our practice...

But practice is always messy. That's just the way the human mind/heart grows. It can be really tempting to stand apart from our self an judge it by taking an extreme view (I'm doing great, or I'm doing awful) but real practice is both good and bad, easy and hard, fast and slow --- and there is no need to judge it. It is what it is. It's necessary that it is a big mess, we are tearing things down at the same time we are rebuilding things better.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 7/30/22 7:21 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 7/30/22 7:21 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Hi Shargrol,
Thank you, this is encouraging.

In the last month or so, I got to work on my view of my self-worth, and how I handle uncertainty, based on some psychology content (Mark Douglas) that I found. And it was very eye-opening, and of course painful to notice. Before that, although I knew that there is issue with self-worth, but it wasn't clear to me how serious it is, and how a set of limiting beliefs are formed in my body-mind, and my habits and the energy trapped in them are formed around those limiting beliefs. Also because of not handling uncertainty well, and not seeing from a probabilistic lenz, I get to have certain expectations, and the expectations are determined based on those limiting beliefs that say I don't deserve this or that, and when the expectation is not met, it becomes painful, but also when things start going well, the expectations and the beliefs say that I don't deserve it, so this shouldn't be right, and there should be a problem, so I shift into a self-sabotaging mode, and cause that same problem that I had projected. This always keeps me in a prison, that I am not even aware of the prison, and I find other explanations for it. I remember when I left university, and didn't finish my grade, in the few years before that, I always felt guilty, very painfully, that I was very good at school but my siblings were not like that, I just couldn't accept that, and one day I found myself bringing all kinds of justifications about why it's better to not finish my grade, and not get that certificate, that I had passed most of the courses for it.
So the last month, I started investigating how these have formed my life. It seems that it has had positive effect and a course of improvement has started happening, however painful that it gets sometimes, which is okay. I see the exact same patterns in my family members, and a lot of things are getting clearer. So there may come more messiness, but that's okay too.
Thanks.
 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 7/31/22 3:39 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 7/31/22 3:39 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Saturday:
It seems that the body-mind has shifted to Equanimity territory. There is openness and spaciousness, tranquility, and a nice feeling sometimes in the body, that can be accessed easily when it's not there. The mental images of the head and face are clearer, and a lot of times in the center of attention. The mind is less inclined to practice, or pay attention, and there is more vibrations and energy currents, moving in a smooth and gentle way. Yesterday the lundar calendar was 29th of the month, and that might be relevant. Often around the 14th and 28th of the month, it gets emotionally difficult for me.
During a couple days in the last week I guess, I had a lot of repetitive numbers, frequently noticing them, then they were gone. Very interesting that after the intense emotions subsided last night and openness arose, I notice these numbers again frequently.

Another point that I found very helpful in Rob's talks, was the point he made about directionality, that instead of seeing the perceiving as if I am over here, paying attention to a sensation over there, see it in a receptive mode, like there is no directionality, and I just keep receiving sensation after sensation.
Another good point was mixing the breath with piti or sukha, or equanimity, and spreading those qualities to the space of the body as the breath spreads in that space.

Sunday:
I feel that not having equanimity with not having equanimity is one of the things that causes me a lot of trouble, and I keep forgetting it. I feel that faith would help to remember this easily. I wish neko is well whereever he is, his triad is helpful here: Faith, Patience, Curiosity.
There has been some sensations that I think are in the mid or high Eq territory. Beautiful violet and purple colors filling the visual space with eyes closed, that while flickering, contract into smaller and smaller circles, while other bright and dark lights and colors expand out into bigger circles, and slow energy currents in the body that feels like ice-water drops on the location, or like a joint melts down into pleasant sweet ice-water. Though it didn't stay long and there is slightly low mood after that. 
shargrol, modified 1 Year ago at 7/31/22 6:45 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 7/31/22 6:43 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 2344 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
"I feel that not having equanimity with not having equanimity is one of the things that causes me a lot of trouble, and I keep forgetting it."<br /><br />

This is a very very good observation.<br /><br />

In a way, the stages of "Desire for Deliverance" and "Reobservation" are our training grounds for really learning to be equanimous with icky sensations, emotions, and thoughts. They are basically designed to give us opporunities to face the stupid aspects of our mind and NOT try to fix it. Instead we just need to let the crazy come up, love it, and learn to be equanimous with the apparent imperfections of these stages. It can be really helpful to remember these nanas and notice when they happen. It makes it much easer to see through all of the "worrying, planning, and wanting to avoid or escape" that is associated with Desire for Deliverance. It makes it much easier to see through "I have a My Problem(s) that I need to battle with in this moment"&nbsp; that is associated with Reobservation.<br /><br />

When you can see these nanas as nanas, it's much easier to say "okay crazy mind, do your crazy thing, I'm just going give up trying to fix you and I'm just going to follow along and watch what you do".&nbsp;<br /><br />

It's very common to go through a period where DforD and Reobs shows up for a while and then EQ shows up and it keeps going back and forth -- almost like our mind is training us to realize: "okay, if I don't fight these bad stages or try to push them away, then my reward is settling into EQ. But if I resist and hate one part of my mind with the other part of my mind, then I'm denied the relief of EQ. This is training me to love and accept all of my quirks and imperfections. This is training me to remember that mind problems come and go and that when I'm having a problem it's not the end of the world." emoticon<br /><br />

The difficult nanas really are our teachers.<br /> 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 7/31/22 6:55 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 7/31/22 6:55 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Thanks. Yes, it seems that the mind is working on this training. Learning that "It's okay to let go (which is relatively easy for me), and it's okay to stay in that letting go, and not run after the thing that I let it go (this usually is more difficult for me --Fear of insecurity).
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/1/22 10:11 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/1/22 10:07 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Sunday:
Tension has arisen in the head in the last several hours, with more muscle contraction in the body. Last sit the bright flickering colors arose again, and there was some coolness/breeze spreading on the body, after that sleepiness has arisen, heavy feeling in the whole body, going to bed to practice or sleep.
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Monday:
My apartment looks north and doesn’t get much sunlight. Today I noticed a little spot that I can get direct sunlight into my eyes in the morning. Writing to remember to use it. (No starring at the sun obviously.)
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Practicing: striking the bell of the body-mind with a positive thought, and watching it resonate. Waves of vibration spreading from the centers in the back and legs.
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Remembered this from the audio notes on indecisiveness:
Each choice has discomfort with it, the problem is, you don’t want to accept the discomfort of any of the choices, so you end up experiencing the discomfort of all of the choices, and an extra discomfort for the indecisiveness. You need to accept, wholeheartedly, the discomfort of one of the choices, and go with it, and let whatever happens happen.
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Evening: A rise of energy and focus in the morning. After that it’s been very difficult to concentrate, I constantly forget to be mindful. Body very uncomfortable. Distracted myself with coding for some hours but then the mind lost that fuel too. Although the emotional state has been tranquil, maybe with the help of that sunlight.
There has been ongoing confusion, inability to decide whether to do concentration or insight practice. Ah, I wrote the problem and solution for the indecisiveness above. Accept the discomfort of one, and do that.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/3/22 9:23 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/3/22 8:32 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Monday night:
It occurred to me that it’s not just the body that I need to relax and keep relaxed, it’s the whole experience and the whole space. Which translates as openness, spaciousness and intimacy with the rest of the experience as well, that each sensation from any sense gate, arises and passes effortlessly with lightness and clarity.
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Tuesday:
Rumi has a line, it’s one of his best. He says:

Do not say, “We have no admission to that King.” Dealings with the generous are not difficult.
(Translation by Reynold Alleyne Nicholson)

I find this very helpful in dealing with negative or unhelpful thoughts and emotions, or whatever actually. Having the attitude, to tell to that thing, come, I can take/have you, there is enough space here for all of us.
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It’s been a few hours that vibrations spread out along the spine and sometimes most of the body. The interesting part is that when a sensation, especially a thought-form has positive or negative vedana that feels emotional, that immediately causes these vibrations to spread.
Part of this explanation is maybe wrong, because I am not sure if it’s the thought, then the vibrations, or it’s the thought, then a pleasant/unpleasant physical sensation in the body and then vibration, or that sensation is not in the body directly, it’s a mental form of a bodily sensation, like if you think about how your back hurt some time ago.
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Wednesday:
Today I feel a difference in how habits manifest. I have less needs. After waking up when I first noticed it, it was a little surprising, and it gave some relief and confidence, and it has been like that. Less urges have arisen, and they have less impact on the system. Gosh, this music moves me. Today the practice has been being with the old friends and their music. The dominant quality has been peace for some hours.
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This whole day I haven’t had the energy to do any practice, not even informal. It seems impossible to gather the attention around one point and stay it there, or expand it and hold objects. After having that peace for some hours, the body-mind has started feeling exhausted. Then I wasn’t careful and accidentally injured my knee, and have difficulty with sitting and walking now. The way things appear, I think the next days will be tough I hope to get through it without any serious issue. I want to try Shinzen’s Do Nothing and see what happens.
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It’s the opposite of how it was earlier the day. The needs and urges have power and the system has difficulty not acting on them. I need to do certain things, but there is no interest in the mind to do them, and I need not to do certain things, and the attention is just falling toward them, and the body wants to follow that, as if there is no way out, and I’d die if I don’t do that. Tired.
In that other state of mind, I break one edge of the octagon of the habit pattern, and the octagon dissolves and doesn’t form again quickly, but in this state I break one edge, but it quickly fixes itself and stitches together another octagon, to the point that it makes it feel like it’s pointless to break any number of edges and they all will be replaced.

Dear boy, in the other states of mind, you do certain other activities. Do them. That will change how you feel and perceive. Second, remember how you feel in those states, and strike the body-mind bell with a remembrance of that, and you know that it will resonate and fill your whole experience.
And you can go to bed. I assure you, you can get up, and nothing would be lost.
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Thursday:
Could go to bed and sleep. The body feels sick. It feels that only this room or house is real, and the rest of it doesn’t exist, or is just a faint dreamy thought, which is true. Ah, now that I paid attention to it, this all feels like a dream. This is very familiar. It’s like those realm dreams, dead city, like I am the only alive thing. I don’t remember when exactly, but I used to have this feeling a lot. It’s interesting how the mind spreads the sense of alive-ness into objects. Obviously the family and friends feel less dead than the rest. Oh, it occurred to me now, that probably I have gotten this dead city feeling from Sadegh Hedayat’s The Blind Owl. I still feel icky when remembering it. It’s a weird mix. That much beauty and that much bitterness is gathered in one person.
I think the transition from that dream space to this dream space hasn’t happened fully, and I still see it as a somewhat dreamy space. This happens when there is too much sleepiness. 
shargrol, modified 1 Year ago at 8/4/22 6:16 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/4/22 6:16 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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There is a very amazing phase of practice when the body-mind becomes a bubbling pot, slowly loosening up, slowly off gassing old toxic habits -- but it is a time of big body-mind change and can be exhausting.

The trick is to keep the simmer going, without letting the pot boil over or turn cold.  It's a trial and error process, no one gets it perfect. But we get glimpses at how nice it will be when our old "big" habits of shame and repression and fear of insecurity and anger and rage become softened, like bones and cartiledge in the soup broth that gets softened by the slow boil.  

After everything gets softened and dissolved, we still feel shame and repression and fear of insecurity and anger and rage... but it is much softer and more human experience. Not the same as the "big" experiences that we had before everything was gently simmered.

​​​​​​​I wish you a gentle simmer!
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/4/22 6:23 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thank you.
Yes I need to be careful about the "boil over or turn cold". That's my weak point.
​​​​​​​The vibrations started spreading as I read your post!
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/5/22 9:37 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thursday:
I was feeling very down, just dark and off, tried a few techniques, it didn’t work, then started listening to Rob, it made it a little better, then based on something that he said, this idea came to the mind: I have a desire for something that I want to do it no matter what, but there are many other thoughts, urges and impulses that are against that desire, so I decide to see them as two currents, one is the desire, the other is those urges and thoughts, and imagine that the current of urges has no way to touch the desire, it’s impossible for it to touch it. Like two pipes that are parallel, but are completely separate from each other. Although the water inside them moves close and parallel to each other, they have no way of touching each other. So I just watch these two currents move, without touching each other.
Thanks to Rob, and thanks to Shinzen for his analogy of the currents that ghostly move through each other without touching each other. That’s how it feels sometimes with people, like there is no possibility of connection.
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The music grabbed me and took me with it for some hours, thank goodness, because it’s the only thing that makes it easier to go through the situation, without causing any problem. It became very tender and intimate, like how it was in high school as if the music tears me apart, or I am the instrument, the body is the strings and the mind is the frets, and the whole being vibrates and resonates with it.
Today the murk has more depth. Previously this would happen, and also I could increase its depth by looking farther and deeper into the space, but it’s been some months that it wasn’t accessible. One or more bright dots form in the center which gives the sense of more depth.
Playing with the murk. Also, eyes open, focusing on the boundaries of sensations, where one form ends and another form begins.
Focusing on the boundaries makes it easier to notice the stillness, also stillness in the movements, and increases equanimity and spaciousness.
The trick for deepening the murk that I had forgotten: Soften the directionality of looking, and the origin of the arrow of attention. Receive the sensations as they color and fill the space.
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Friday:
I guess in bed I focus on the color statics. Then in a strange dream, I woke up, started flying, and it became super vivid. Then came back to bed, the murk was the size of the room and full of lights and melting colors, and sketches. I focused on the sketches and colored them, they became 3D, and I flew out again and these sketches had become the buildings of that space. The next time, while awake, tried it again, but it didn’t work, and I noticed that I am over-efforting, so it was expected to not work. Before flying, in the dream with family, I didn't know if my grandfather has died or is alive and felt embarrassed about it. Probably related to the feeling of guilt, that when several of close relatives were dying in recent years, I didn't go to visit them, just couldn't do it.
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When self-doubt and fear of failure arises, it shrinks the space. Makes me forget the big picture, lessens the presence of the bigger desire, and makes the mind busy with smaller issues, but those smaller issues fill the space, since the space is smaller, there is not much space for other things. Expanding the space works sometimes, but I find it’s better to bring that bigger desire in the context of the big picture. It more easily puts everything into its place and expands the mind.
I was trying to focus on the sensation's boundary, but because of bodily pain, I couldn’t stay in any posture for more than a minute. So I started focusing on the boundaries of the pain while being aware of the bigger space, it made the pain spread to more locations, but I could stay still by doing that.
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Two things to remember:
First: I need to construct hope sometimes. An easier way for it is to focus on the external space and expand it and notice the openness and stillness.
Second: When a desire arises, notice how much space it occupies, where is its boundaries, and how that changes. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/8/22 3:41 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Saturday:
Practicing: Noticing sensations arising as space, and expanding, contracting and disappearing as space, and the quiet stillness that is contained in and around it, and relaxing the subtle tension in the head and neck that arises when focusing.
Again, sleepiness is predominant after a few days of less need for sleep.

Doing the practice above, the mind has become very still and quiet.
I feel that the changes that have happened in the energy and energetics in the body-mind in these few years, it has started to change some of my interests, or the type of vedana that I get from certain inputs. I wouldn’t eat pepper, now I love it and use it with everything, I can eat it like a chocolate now. Or certain things that would give me disgust, now I often don’t get that disgust. I am not sure why I think it’s related to energetics, but that feels closer than anything else.
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There was a dream, I was with a friend, beside some military base, and they were chasing us. Clear fear stage. Glad to have this. It usually comes with some shifts in the body. It’s a sign of progress. Later I realized that the friend was a reflection of me. The mind had separated me into two parts, to make that situation in the dream tolerable. First they were chasing my friend, then I noticed they are after me. The mind had put that part of me that caused me fear into my friend.
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Sunday:
Since last night it feels that my heart is extended to my throat and head. It beats in my throat and between my ears. Uncomfortable dreams, with partial flying.
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I noticed pain in my teeth now, which is a result of clenching my teeth, and I had not noticed it at all. This is one of the usual occurrences of the fear stage, both in sleep and wakefulness. Also the body temperature is high, with constant sweating.
Last night some strongly painful sharp burning at the sacrum, and similar one in toes in bed, that caused the whole body to jump up, until I set the intention to stay still and could stay still.
Practice with a M.Taft video. Stillness and spaciousness arose, and body temperature decreased.
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There is tranquility, quietness, and a positive valence in most of the sensations.

To ponder about: The relationship between the thing that comes from the outside, like a noise, a mosquito, a thief, a guest, an incoming call or email, and how often I would see them as a threat (and often I prefer to keep the doors closed), to the perception of doors and windows that I had in childhood around the age of 3-6, that I would have fear of a thief or a wolf coming from the door, or an imaginary animal crawling down from the wall and entering from the window.
Reminded me of the movie Others.
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Monday:
More uncomfortable dreams. Painful energetics in bed, with lots of electric shock, but somehow it didn’t move the body at all. It was interesting.
Been thinking about how a seed of desire creates a whole world. One simple desire. And interesting that if you cut that desire, that whole world would go away. But I don’t have any conclusion about determinism. We say that if you do this, that would happen, but there is no certainty that there is “an if” in the first place. Anyway, if we go with the free will, then it’s interesting how things could be avoided by just not watering the seed of desire, or things would be created by putting a seed of desire there and nourishing it.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/9/22 12:31 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Monday:
A strong headache arose, probably because of the changes today that created an urgency, and it got stronger and more stable. I tried a few things but it didn’t help. Then I started imagining that someone else has all my problems, with several more problems and this headache, and I just take their headache. And I noticed the mind is playing tricks, that if I do this, it’ll start feeling good. So I take that pain with the assumption that it will stay for hours and days.
A voice is saying in the back of the mind: Who are you trying to fool?
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I guess the emotional pain decreased but the physical has increased again, affecting the rest of the body. I was listening to Rob, I noticed that I perceive the sensations arising and passing with high clarity, but I don’t get what he is saying. It didn’t stick to memory.
The sensations shift from painful to mild pleasant. Focusing on one spot neutralizes it, then it arises in another spot. I should take this one to bed, and play with it there.
I come more and more to the conclusion, that writing is not about reading it later. Same as playing music, it’s an act of releasing, letting something out.
I should bury the rest of it. I guess I understand you Sadegh Hedayat.
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Tuesday:
Focused on the body in bed, the pain increased and spread more, but somehow it also had a positive valence with it. It didn’t bother me until it went away and I fell asleep. Because the knee still has problems, each time the body moves in sleep, I become aware of it, to not let sudden movements.

A wise man once said: Hope is not a good strategy.
I should separate the two, to have faith in myself, but not hope that the universe with play the way I like.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/10/22 7:37 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Wednesday:
Focusing on the murk. More depth in the murk, and it expands more easily, with bright and dark dots in its center. Nada sound is loud and spacious. Tried to fill the murk and the rest of the space with the nada sound. Energy currents were more active in the solar plexus and chest and neck.
Some intense electric shocks in the legs arose from the long toes. These ones with this intensity only arise in bed, but this is the second time I think that they arise while sitting, which probably means there is less tension in the body compared to before.
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A vivid fear dream. In a gathering with family and relatives at night in an open space, a very nice and relaxed environment, I wanted to start flying because I thought it was an open space and suitable for flying, but suddenly jets started bombing and shooting us. It took a second to get it, that this is a serious situation, some or all of us will die, let’s do something, so I started running toward the people and shouting that run to the basements, but then I was surrounded by tanks that wanted to defend the city, not seeing or caring that it’s about to run over me, and I woke up, with heavy feelings in the body and the heart pumping hard. Some seconds later I noticed lights and shadows dancing in the space, which is part of the setup for vivid dreams. Interestingly, this time it wasn’t about me, it was about “us”.
Oh, I remembered the previous dreams, where I was yelling and crying out of frustration, and complaining to the people around me that you don’t understand it. I thought that they don’t understand my needs, and by trying to help me, they just cause me more trouble, I also felt guilty for doing that because I knew that I am hurting them, but that other pain was bigger than the pain of guilt.
I had focused on the nada sound and the space, and that seems to have opened the space.
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Many other uncomfortable dreams, but now I don’t remember any of them. I made a decision yesterday to go back to working as a coder, and it seems that it has created chaos.
This was the last thing that I wanted to do, and I wanted to avoid it, but it didn’t happen, though I notice less resistance compared to what I expected. It seems there is more acceptance and letting go. Probably one factor is that this time it’s very clear that I am doing this because of myself. Previously there was always someone else that I had to support, and that made it more complicated. Second, I think it’s clearer now, that I don’t have much problem with the activities themselves, it’s the fear of failure, fear of insecurity and disapproval, guilt, etc that makes it uncomfortable. Another factor is that I think the rate of times that I have equanimity with not having equanimity has increased. Although this is how I feel now, it may be different later. The dream this morning reminded me that “urgency” can mean very different things.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/10/22 2:30 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Wednesday night:
Again the body temperature has been high with constant sweating. There has been despair and sadness in the last few hours. This idea came to mind, that when there is an intense emotion, I try this:
Put the attention on the central area from the abdomen to the crown, and communicate with that area. Notice its feel and image sensations, and ask it: “What’s going on my dear, how do you feel? What bothers you?”, but don’t expect answers, just hold it with compassion and understanding and be present for it.
Based on whatever right or wrong mapping that I have in mind, this is a clear shift from fear to misery, where the despair-sadness becomes predominant. The face has a sad expression with eyes looking down, and the face image becomes solid and is often present in the attention. The energy decreases and there is fatigue in the body, that sometimes when it becomes more intense, there is bodily pain, especially in the arms, similar to flu. And frequently there are involuntary sighs. Also, the mind becomes quiet, and the main thought-form is the images of the face.
In the last few years, I have been in this territory much longer than the other ones, but it has occurred less in the last weeks and months.

Huberman says that the important function of dopamine is that it moves us and makes us pursue things, and certain things release more dopamine than others. The interesting thing is that in this state, things that would release a high amount of dopamine and create that good feeling don’t work. For instance, anticipating novelty is one of those items, but in this state, it’s like meh, who cares. I should ask him.

If the views are what shape our world, and we have many views about many things, I wonder which one changes that creates a different mind-state. Is it the view of the world, self, time, space, body, social relationships, view of security, view of goodness, or what? Or the shift in the mind-state alters the views? Or a mix of both? Or is it about light and luminosity? Because certainly the brightness and vibrancy of sensations change from one mind-state to another. And probably one is the rate of change, which should affect the perception of time and space. Or is that there is a factor of alive-ness, and in each mind-state, we perceive the world as more alive or more dead? In a joyful state of mind, if you look at a tree, you perceive it as more alive and vibrant than looking at it in a depressed state of mind. Or is it related to power hierarchies? In one state, you perceive power hierarchies more clearly and put yourself in that hierarchy and the world becomes more defined, in another state you perceive it as a flat gray mix, and it’s not that defined and clear.

If I try to find a definition for hope, it would be something like:
You know what you like and what gives you good feelings, at least at the feeling level. You have an extended perception of time and space. And you anticipate that what will fill that extended time and space, are things that would give you those good feelings.

Now, if we remove any of these items (Knowing what you like, the extended perception of time and space, and anticipation of filling item 2 with instances of item 1), then hope would lose its definition. On the other hand, to construct hope, one should construct all 3 of these items.
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Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 8/10/22 2:34 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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How related are hope and desire do you think? I'd like to have hope, but if desire shows up...
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/10/22 3:07 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/10/22 2:54 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Chris M
How related are hope and desire do you think? I'd like to have hope, but if desire shows up...

Huh, I haven't thought about that!
It seems to me that as long as the desire doesn't break the structure that the hope creates, there wouldn't be any conflict, and the desire would be equanimized (Or fulfilled if it's aligned with the world one hopes for). But when the desire is stronger than the belief in an extended time that will have things one likes, then the desire should win, and crush the structure of hope. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/10/22 8:24 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/10/22 8:06 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thursday:
About hope, it seems to me that in a “smaller” scale, each moment comes with an anticipation about the next moment(s), and what would be pleasant or unpleasant in the next moment(s). When the mind is in a greedy state, it anticipates for more pleasantness, when it’s in an aversive mode, it anticipate for more unpleasantness, but I am not sure about a depressive mode. Does it anticipate more unpleasantness, or the perceiving of pleasant/unpleasant is off to some extent? Needs investigation.
Interesting that as I started paying close attention to hope and anticipation in each moment, the sadness-despair decreased, almost gone. Or maybe is not related to that, who knows.
It seems that investigating anticipation in a moment by moment basis is a good way to work with mind-states. Makes it easier to understand how we create our world.
And the interesting thing is that a lot (or all?) of the pleasantness/unpleasantness depends on the view. Maybe not the initial vedana though. For example, if one has ringing in their ears and thinks that it’s an illness, they may perceive it as unpleasant, but if they think it’s a sign of strong concentration, they may perceive it as pleasant, so altering the view in this moment could change the perception of pleasant/unpleasant in the next moments.
As I was playing with expectation, and trying to see and accept the next moment as it comes without expectation, and asking why should I have or prefer any expectation, the feeling of sadness-despair disappeared, colors became more vibrant, and stillness and spaciousness arose.
And this creates a view, but no need to expect the next moment to conform with this view boy.
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Relaxed the body in bed, then intense electric shocks mixed with vibrations and painful tickling, from genitals and toes, then spread to the whole body, kept arising from different locations and filling almost the whole body, maybe not part of the face and head, some very bright dots and circles, as if makes its surrounding brighter. Fell asleep, then woke up in dream, noticed I am moving in the room, and the room is getting bigger, manifesting the house bigger and bigger. Hearing people talking in the house. Tried to go where they were or bring them to me, didn’t happen. Flew around in the house for some time. Tried to go out, couldn’t do, felt the drapes and windows, then moved out, early morning, then sun came out. very very bright, I thought I am staring at sun and hurting my eyes, closed my eyes, but still seeing it very bright. then it became a dark circle. Feeling its warmth in my face. Came back to bed once or more, and moved out again. Was aware and awake I don’t remember from when. Flew out again, to a place like the rooftop of the planet. Intended to land on it and be able to see myself. It happened and I saw my feet and legs landing on it and touching it. There was intense sexual feelings in the body, I don't remember where it started, with warm tingling and vibrations all over the body. On that place I got bored and tired, because there was pain at the sacrum and need to pee, also there was a kid with his mother and I didn't know what they want or what should I do with them. This thought arose that, this is first jhana, the vibration filled the whole body, but the sexual feeling didn’t spread that much. Then I thought okay thank you, I’ll do it later then, and got up to go to bathroom.
That nimita was a clear defined circle and the black one after that was circle too. That’s interesting to me. I never had a light that strong before.

Remembered that each time I came back to bed, the trick to speeding up the movements and making it fly was to focus on the vibrations in the body, or on the vibration of the color statics in the visual field.
 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/11/22 4:08 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/11/22 3:13 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thursday:
A few things that I remembered about the experience this morning:

The movement of vibrations and energy currents were upward, so the movement of the body was backward in the room and later inside the whole house that was manifested, as a result I had difficulty navigating inside the house, but in the later parts I could gain more control and move forward more easily.
There was this feeling that there is a soft cloth on the skin, and a wind blowing upward, and that caused sexual feelings as if the cloth was gently rubbing the body. Sometimes the wind felt stronger, like it moves the body parts upward. In the first part the electric shocks and tickling was so intense and painful that I thought the body may not be able to tolerate and pass out, it affected breathing and heart rate, I did whatever I could to stay still but once it made the whole body to jump up. So I intended to let the energy move out from the head, I fell asleep after that. The key thing that made it spread to the whole body was keeping the whole body relaxed, and tracking the subtle tension of paying attention that usually moves in the body, and relaxing that one, and keeping awareness on the bigger space. I was aware of two bodies simultaneously, one that was in bed and I knew it's in bed, one that was moving and flying in the space and I knew it's mind-made.
Somehow I feel a lot of confidence. It started last night before going to bed, but it seems the experience and the dream had noticeable effect on it. I guess the malleability of perception in it, and feeling it experientially that you can shape your world, at least to some extent. I don’t know.
I am going to a job interview a little later, and last night I was thinking that for an interview, I don't need despair and sadness, I need confidence, but the despair is what I have now. Maybe the body-mind tried to prepare itself for the interview! 
shargrol, modified 1 Year ago at 8/11/22 9:11 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/11/22 8:57 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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This is really good. One thing I wanted to point out is that when you turned your attention to the hope/anticipation that was occuring, it became FUEL for practice. (EDIT: in other words, instead of identifying with hope/anticipation you saw them as mind objects and you studied them as objects within mind.) So it's really interesting: all of our suffering/imperfections can actually help out our practice by showing what to pay attention to. This really is the secret to vipassina practice. 
​​​​​​​
Sure sounds like you are experiencing jhana 2 (pleasure) and jhana 3 (soft cloth on skin). And all of this is very A&P of course.

It's important for Dark Night Yogis to not worry that a strong A&P is going to lead into a terrible Dark Night. The suffering that a Dark Night Yoga has already been through is pretty much as bad as it gets. What actually happens is that the Yogi is now able to put their attention well on all of the hindrances and poisons in the mind --- but to see them as things IN the mind, not the mind itself. Progress can become very fast, we start to see how the mind creates fear, misery, disgust, desire for deliverance, and reobservation by "believing our emotions and thoughts". But actually, we are not our emotions and thoughts --- emotions and thoughts occur IN the mind. We are the mind that knows.

Hopefully having this context is helpful. It seemed important for me to say it since you seem to be having such strong A&P type experiences. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/11/22 10:55 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/11/22 10:55 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thank you Shargrol. This is very helpful and encouraging.

One thing I wanted to point out is that when you turned your attention to the hope/anticipation that was occuring, it became FUEL for practice. (EDIT: in other words, instead of identifying with hope/anticipation you saw them as mind objects and you studied them as objects within mind.) So it's really interesting: all of our suffering/imperfections can actually help out our practice by showing what to pay attention to. This really is the secret to vipassina practice. 
Yes, this is exactly how it looked to me. And that there is no need to believe the views that shape this moment, or to believe the views that create expectations for the next moments. The views are arbitrary.

Sure sounds like you are experiencing jhana 2 (pleasure) and jhana 3 (soft cloth on skin). And all of this is very A&P of course.
I sometimes have these kinds of experiences, especially before the arising of painful energetics in the last couple of years, I used to have experiences that had jhanic qualities, but I never called them jhanas, because it wasn't experienced with the whole body and homogeneously. This one had that homogeneous full body spread, similar to the simile The Buddha uses. It left no room for doubt. And also the mind was malleable, setting an intention manifested quickly for a good portion of the experience.

It's important for Dark Night Yogis to not worry that a strong A&P is going to lead into a terrible Dark Night. The suffering that a Dark Night Yoga has already been through is pretty much as bad as it gets. What actually happens is that the Yogi is now able to put their attention well on all of the hindrances and poisons in the mind --- but to see them as things IN the mind, not the mind itself. Progress can become very fast, we start to see how the mind creates fear, misery, disgust, desire for deliverance, and reobservation by "believing our emotions and thoughts". But actually, we are not our emotions and thoughts --- emotions and thoughts occur IN the mind. We are the mind that knows.

Hopefully having this context is helpful. It seemed important for me to say it since you seem to be having such strong A&P type experiences.

Fortunately I don't have worries about this. I think I've gone through so much that I can take it if it starts becoming too unpleasant. It may change later, but currently the attitude of the mind toward views, emotions and mind-states is mainly curiosity, to let them show how they create me and my world.

Thanks for your help.
 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/12/22 8:15 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thursday night:
Today a few times sadness-despair arose but it was mild and in the background. Now there is calmness and confidence, and when comparing this with the despair one, the whole space is bigger now, but the space that the “me” occupies is smaller. Mental images of the body arise less, are less solid and there is less identification with it. In despair, the whole space is smaller, and the space that the “me” occupies is bigger, with more mental images of the body and face, the mental images become dense and stable and there is more identification with them. So I guess we can assign a number for the proportionality of the self to the world!
In the last 1-2 hours the whole experience feels more immediate.
-------

Friday:
Many repetitive numbers.
Interesting how this subtle tension keeps moving in the body as if it holds together the view of identity.
High clarity, but not many vibrations or energetics.
Usually, when there is confidence and satisfaction, it stays maximum for a couple of hours and almost always it turns into despair, but this time it has stayed longer. There is mild and subtle positive valence in almost all of the sensations, like the manifestation of each moment with its sensations has pleasantness built into it, and interestingly if I over effort just slightly, it feels like it contaminates this built-in immediacy and pleasantness and makes it less noticeable. While the space is relaxed and open, it makes the space tense and contracted.
I notice a subtle urge that creates tension, that the urge makes it feel like I should do something, while there is nothing to do and it’s time to rest. As long as I can equanimize that urge, the state of contentment continues, but when that urge wins and creates more tension and conflict, then the contentment turns into “negative” mind-states. And I guess the urge is there to protect the identity as if I’d lose my definition (identity) if I just be and not do anything. Because the identity is tied to praise and blame, either by myself or others, and by not doing anything, there is no praise and blame, so the identity feels threatened.
-------

I hesitate to write this, but I notice a difference in the experience. It seems that there is a knowing, or confidence, that no matter how unpleasant the experience gets, it’s possible to just relax the tension a little bit, let the space expand, and let the experience flow, and there is a relief in that knowing. And the way to do that is to be present at the exact moment when the experience arises, without having expectations about what should arise.
I think the eight worldly winds could be shortened to just two: praise and blame. Which should be related to the reward system in the mind (And the reward system of the brain?). And I guess that should be related to the symmetry and resonance between sensations and the identity view that create reward or punishment.
It seems that praise and blame, and the emotions that are directly related to that, pride/confidence on one side and shame/guilt on the other side, are the main forces that maintain the self-view.
Since yesterday a bright dot keeps arising, it’s a very bright white or yellow that quickly becomes black with a bright white/yellow border. Similar to the nimita yesterday, but smaller. Brighter than the usual ones.
Energetics: Itching and insect-crawling and sharp pains.
-------

Saturday:
It’s this urge, moment by moment, that I should do something, or I should be doing something, or I should be different, or it should be different, that creates tension and maintains the chain of views. A radical acceptance is needed.
-------

Did a few short sits with the eyes open and closed. It has been calm and quiet and uneventful. I’ll start a new job starting tomorrow and will go to the office. I have to find a new structure for the practice.
I start getting negative feelings about writing or sharing. I guess the guilt/shame patterns start operating! 
shargrol, modified 1 Year ago at 8/13/22 5:45 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/13/22 5:45 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 2344 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
One thing to notice with praise and blame is there is a sense of urgency that goes along with it. In a way, the flavor (praise or blame) is almost less important than the urgency. It's this urgency that keeps us busy, defines us by activity, keeps samsara going.

We feel like we need to do something in this moment... or else something bad will happen. (We need to keep this praise otherwise it will go away? We need to avoid/fight this blame otherwise it will stay?) But actually praise and blame has already happened. Nothing more needs to be done. 

Calmness and ease often feels threatening. It feels like we're dropping our defenses or losing our identity. But over time we get more and more used to slowing down... and what a relief! Wow, not everything need fixing right now. In fact, maybe it's best to just see what happens instead of trying to urgently anticipate and urgently fix... 

Soon we really start seeing: Wow, we've driven ourselves to madness and exhaustion for so long... and wow, I can just stop. wow. 

It's pretty common that there is a warm soft crying and sleepiness that occurs when we slow down. That's the body finally letting go and accepting the calmness.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago at 8/13/22 6:26 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu!
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago at 8/13/22 6:35 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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That urgency feels like a contraction. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/13/22 7:45 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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shargrol
One thing to notice with praise and blame is there is a sense of urgency that goes along with it. In a way, the flavor (praise or blame) is almost less important than the urgency. It's this urgency that keeps us busy, defines us by activity, keeps samsara going.

We feel like we need to do something in this moment... or else something bad will happen. (We need to keep this praise otherwise it will go away? We need to avoid/fight this blame otherwise it will stay?) But actually praise and blame has already happened. Nothing more needs to be done. 
Gold!
Yes, I noticed the urgency, and the praise and blame, but I didn't notice their relationship. Thank you for pointing that out. Very helpful.


shargrol
Soon we really start seeing: Wow, we've driven ourselves to madness and exhaustion for so long... and wow, I can just stop. wow. 

This made me laugh! Yes, what a relief when/if the insanity stops!


Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö
That urgency feels like a contraction. 

Yes, for me, a muscle contraction that keeps moving in the body. It's more in the fascia, though often it feels in the bones. Paying attention often creates that contraction too.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago at 8/13/22 7:53 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/13/22 7:53 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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I have noticed it in the fascia too. My fascia contracts regularly, in the dukkha ñana territory. And in the face and around the heart and basically everywhere. A whole lot of clenching. It's like the body assumes poses and thinks that it is the pose. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/13/22 7:57 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/13/22 7:57 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Yeah. I think each mind-state, or should we say, each nana, affects parts of the body more that the other parts, and causes more contraction in those parts.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago at 8/13/22 8:28 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Maybe. I have noticed tensions in specific chakras. Before stream entry I would have strong gross vibrations in my throat every time I was in reobservation. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/13/22 2:09 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/13/22 12:41 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Saturday night:
While practicing in bed, the breath and heart rate stayed coarse for longer. At some point intense tickling and electric shocks started arising, then while I was falling asleep, it became the whole body, with softening of the boundaries. Then, pleasant sensations arose, mostly from the perineum and thighs, and a mix of pleasant and painful kept filling the body. From what I remember, pleasant ones arose in a spot and spread in a circular area around that point, and painful ones spread in a linear area.

I sleep on the floor, but for some minutes I felt that I am about to fall, as if I am on a bed and far from the floor, which is the fear that I had for some time in middle school, a boarding school that I had to sleep on a 3-store bed and I had that fear. The body kept contracting to keep itself steady, and when the energetics became intense, it caused wild contractions that I noticed parts of pelvis and lower back are not on the ground anymore.
Interesting that the energetics caused a lot more pain in the right knee that is injured.

Later uncomfortable dreams, water leaking, uncertainty, etc. Then I woke up. The next dream became more uncomfortable. Clearly, it was my childhood self. I had gone to parts of my hometown that I had feared in childhood to go there because the people there didn’t look very good to my eye at that age. My form was current form but it was those fears and views. Riding a bicycle that I think had only one wheel and no handlebar, and heard those people ridiculing and threatening me. Then it was night and dark, and I was riding it on a freeway with super big trucks on the road, but I was hit by a door when it was opening, A giant metal door, maybe 100*100 feet, but I somehow got on it, and rode it, then found myself inside a truck, lying there in weakness and despair, and thinking that this thing will stop somewhere, and maybe someone comes here and opens this door and see that there is someone here, I may die or stay alive and be found by someone, but too tired to care about it.

When waking up, there was so much sleepiness, and burning in the eyes that I couldn’t keep the eyes open. I think there is another factor too that may cause this. The sleepiness went away but the eyes still burn.

After almost 3 years of working from home, now I don’t know how my body-mind will react to going to the office, but it’s time for a change. I have to sacrifice some of my needs and interests, to cover the other needs, and there is no going around that. There is some grief.

-- Edit:
Remembered this, something happened last night in bed that was very interesting. I was awake and had focused on the body, but I noticed the dream body arising, and I felt both clearly. My hands were on the ground, but I noticed that these other hands rose and scratched my face. Then there was some noise, and still the hands were on the ground, but these other hands rose again and pushed the ear plugs into the ears and I felt it in my ears. It was very interesting, how the mind fabricates the body. At first I thought it's the physical hands, but then noticed them on the ground.
 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/19/22 10:48 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/19/22 10:48 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Sunday:
After relaxing the body in bed, a very painful energetic in the genitals felt like cutting the body with a very hot knife, and the whole body jumped up. I had to ask it to be a little kind and gentle to this body.
Disturbing mental images after getting up, like images of the body bleeding.
-------

Monday night:
Woke up this morning with pain in my teeth, there were ongoing teeth clenching, which continued during the day with other tensions in the body. I don’t know if it’s related to sleep deprivation, or the difficulties of going to the office, or other factors. There has been tension and contraction in the head that sometimes turn into vibrations, also sometimes energetic pain in the ears, and a feeling in the toes as if something is stuck there. It could be the 8th nana, but whatever.
Last night the energetics started with one very strong tickling and electric shock that shot from the genitals and pierced through the central line upward, then there were pleasant sensations spreading, but I fell asleep quickly. I was seeing the new colleagues in the room that were talking, while I perceived myself as being in bed, also there were some vague sensations of the dream body.
Previously most of the electric shocks and tickling would be in the left side of the body, especially the left leg, in recent weeks it’s mostly in the right side and right leg, and if I remember correctly, when the pleasant ones arise, left side has more pleasantness than the right side. probably because I am a lefty (both with the hands and legs), it’s going from left to right!
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Wednesday:
The first round in bed, only a couple of sensations that felt like cold water wanting to move in the joints, that felt strong, after that I don’t remember much happening, and fell asleep.
Oh no, before falling asleep, there was a sudden thing, that sometimes happens, it’s like there is an abrupt shift in the experience, with some intensity in the head region, and the color statics in the murk lose all colors except black and white and becomes like tv snow, then it shifts back to usual. After that, usually, the body-mind becomes calm and tranquil. I heard some bee noise too before that.
-------

Part of me thinks and feels that everything is about symmetry. Where/when there is more symmetry, there is beauty, joy, and peace, and when/where there is less symmetry, there is pain and suffering but it can also be pleasure, because it seems to me that pleasure and pain are two ends of one axis, and having pleasure does not necessarily mean more symmetry.
-------

During the day there was some energetics like ice melting in a joint, and energy currents along the spine, also sometimes a distortion in the space, as if parts of the body and space fell away for a moment. This happened a few times in bed last night, feeling that I dropped into my bed, or part of the space dropped away or maybe a different change, it wasn’t clear. Still struggling with the new routine and lack of sleep, but today and yesterday I had better clarity and performance, probably because I let sunlight into my eyes in the morning.
Although the mind has been calm and confident, the body often has tension and lots of contractions. Could be a mix of sleep deprivation and a state/stage thing.
There has been intense itching in the whole body that turns into pain and burning and has caused rashes in the body. I think part of it is chemical, due to changes, part of it is because of sunlight, and part of it is state/stage related.
There is more energetic untangling happening on the right side of the body. Frequently there are currents in the right leg like cool water moving, and hard pain in the right toes.
-------

Thursday:
Last night in bed, very few energetics, and it quickly became spacious, with bright dots arising and moving farther away from the head before turning into a black dot.
-------

Friday:
Been some hours that there is an urge to feel sensations with higher clarity and notice their pleasantness. Tried to practice in bed, some strong energy currents at the base of the spine, left elbow, and knee and pleasant sensations spreading from the perineum, there was waviness in the perception of the body and space, 1-2 times it felt like the body dropped into the bed, then like it’s lying on waves and moving up and down with it.
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Last night the itching had become burning in parts of the body, today it has subsided, and the worst part of it with rashes in the lower arms are almost gone. Had a long sleep of over 12 hours, but the body still needs to sleep. The bright violet lights arise in the last 1-2 hours, it could be because of sleepiness, or because of moving away from the current state/stage that created the itches/burning/tensions.

For the past 5 days, I could stay disciplined with going to the office and sleeping and the rest of it. I did better than I expected. It seems that it has become easier to let go, to let go of the desire to stay awake, to let go of the desire to sleep, and many other desires, and that has helped with the discipline. Overall, it seems easier than I expected to expand my comfort zone.
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Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 8/19/22 11:13 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/19/22 11:13 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Nice report!
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/19/22 11:31 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thanks Chris!
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/20/22 11:27 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/20/22 11:27 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Friday night:
There is a mild pleasant valence in the sensations, and a subtle sense of movement in the visual space, like it expands and contracts or moves up and down with the movements of the breath. Once there was a nice coolness on the tailbone, which usually is a sign of a shift.
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Saturday:
Practicing in bed, the painful energetics didn’t have that shooting form, they only moved less than an inch each time and just vibrated in their origin, most of it quickly gained mild pleasantness. Only once there was a strong one in the left thigh that startled the body and caused beating at the base of the spine. Overall it felt like there is a container of coolness and lightness and the energy body arises as vibrations in that container. There was a subtle sense of movement like the bed was on the water. Once I felt a strong coolness, more painful than pleasant, on the right knee, but I perceived it as if the body is in a different posture, and when I noticed it was not in that posture, I had to map that sensation to that location in the leg in its current posture, well, not I, however that it gets mapped! It was a clear example of how the perception of the body is fabricated by the mind.
I feel that the body-mind wants to experiment with the movement and flying in wakefulness, but something is pulling back. More letting go should happen first.
Still, there is teeth clenching, not as strong as before though.
In the last few hours I’ve experienced a subtle feeling a few times, that if I want to put it into words it would be something like: As if the space is a shirt that I am wearing, and for a moment or two a discomfort arises as if I am taking off that shirt, but it gets back into its place again and the discomfort stops.
-------

In the second round in bed, I tried to relax the body, and remind it that there is no reason to contract itself, I won’t fall, because the subtle tension kept arising again and again, and the recognition was interesting that there is no way to fall, the room and its surrounding is big enough! Many dreams, some of them vivid. In one I had focused on the sky and it turned into flying, but then noticed someone is poking me in my neck and that woke me up, it was a strong energetic in the neck. In the last one before getting up, at first I was watching the dream as a third-person observer, which I don’t remember having before and I am always inside the dream, but in the later part, I became a participant, trying to defend myself. It was a gunfight and I only had a knife.
In the earlier dreams and practice, there was an intense pleasure in the body that later became sexual, I guess that woke me up because I was worried it lead to orgasm and I wanted to get up. It was the same pattern as before like a soft cloth is on the body and a force like a wind pushes that upward and rubs the body.
For a few days, there was strong itching in the left elbow, now it’s gone and similar itching has arisen in the right elbow. Yesterday the electric shocks and vibrations were more active on the left side. Today the overall itching is intensified. Today there is anxiety, probably because I am waiting to get the new rate for house rent, and hoping that it won’t be more than 35%!
A family member is having a hard time, again, and during a dream that I was with them, while the dream was happening I had awareness of the dream, and I was wishing well for them, and hoping that these wishes with the channel of the dreams could have a positive effect on them!

As always, the thing that bothers me the most is the uncertainty. I should make this a priority in my practice.
The anxiety is gone, and there is sadness-despair. Today I notice a clear decrease in my equanimity and my tolerance for mental-emotional discomfort. Now I hear a neighbor arguing with her son, and their negative energy is like suffocating me. Again, it's all about symmetry!
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Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 8/20/22 11:36 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/20/22 11:36 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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As always, the thing that bothers me the most is the uncertainty. I should make this a priority in my practice.

​​​​​​​Yes, uncertainty is what we must learn to live with. Trying to keep things certain (even-keel, feeling nice, happy, not upset, not painful, not troublesome) is extremely taxing and draining of energy. Those of us who have these tendencies (basically everyone) have to get past this hurdle. I suggest being consistent and gentle about it but notice how the mind automatically wants this kind of refuge. It prefers avoidance, which is unskillful, and as opposed to a meaningful examination of the immediate "problem," which is more skillful.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/20/22 11:54 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thanks Chris. Helpful.

I suggest being consistent and gentle about it but notice how the mind automatically wants this kind of refuge.

Yes, this is the way to go, but since it's not easy, the mind tends to fall into avoidance or rebellious patterns, but I have to practice gentle consistency.

And there isn't always a problem, but the mind tends to turn a non-problem into a problem.

One thing that often bothers me about the uncertainty, is that I don't know how I will be judged (by myself and others), and often I don't have equanimity with that not-knowing.
 
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Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 8/20/22 12:27 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/20/22 12:27 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 5117 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
Siavash, uncertainty was a huge issue for me, too. It takes time and gentle practice. 
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Dream Walker, modified 1 Year ago at 8/20/22 1:28 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/20/22 1:28 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1657 Join Date: 1/18/12 Recent Posts
Be uncertain of your uncertainty,  Be doubtful of your doubt.
​​​​​​​~D
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/20/22 1:31 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 8/20/22 1:31 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Hi Dream Walker!

Great point, very helpful, thank you!
I'll take it as a practice.​​​​​​​
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 8/26/22 7:11 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Sunday:
Interesting that last night in bed there wasn’t any shooting energetics. A couple of times they startled the body but that was a different kind. Mostly it was calm and cool and gentle. Woke up with jaw clenching and pressure in the head and face.
Once in bed, a strong pain arose in the middle of the spine, and it has stayed since then and keeps arising. There has been a positive valence in the body during the day as if I know that there is a source of pleasure in the body and I can tap into it. There was a similar feeling during the practice in bed, which led to some pleasantness.
-------

Monday:
Practice in bed started with strong burning in the right toes. Relaxed the body, and there was a mix of soft pleasant vibrations and coolness and breeze after that. Then some intense energetics arose in the thighs, base of the spine, and abdomen, that caused vibration and coolness to spread, then there was one very strong, that felt like a mix of heat and coldness arose, and moved out of the body from the left thigh as a flame. This is how I felt it exactly, and it was interesting that I felt that something arose inside the thigh, and moved out of the body. Some doors are opening.
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Tuesday:
Last night in bed energetics started with high intensity and became more intense for around half an hour or so. It was mostly electric shocks and tickling shooting from the genitals, then became different kinds of energy currents moving and shooting. First, it was very painful, but as time passed, it moved toward pleasantness, and later it was coolness and soft pleasant vibrations that felt like an opening. There were some dream experiences like meditation in dreams and probably flying, but I forgot all of it after getting up. Now that I wrote this, a vague recollection of the dreams came to mind.
During the day there has been arising of soft vibrations from the hips and pelvis.
-------

Wednesday:
Last night the practice in bed and sleep/dream was almost the same as the previous night, and the experience today also was similar to yesterday. Yesterday in the office it happened a few times that the field of experience became spacious, probably partly due to sleepiness, and it felt that my location in the space gets smaller and smaller and vaguely defined, that the experience leaned toward a unified field of spaciousness, but there was a very small point around my head that still had directionality in it, that I liked to not have that point and have it be just that unified filed. Then it went back to the usual form.
Since yesterday the itching has become strong again.
Although in these two weeks I become very tired every day, I am glad that the new situation forces me to sleep early at night and get up early in the morning, and be able to experience the sunlight and the morning time. This routine is a big change for me, and it has side effects on my concentration and clarity, but it’s worth it, and it will get better after a few more weeks.
-------

Thursday:
Last night the practice in bed was also similar to the previous two nights. Tonight there is fatigue and bodily pain, it could be covid since a few colleagues had it last week, or just tiredness mixed with energetics.
It’s been a few days that there are vibrations arising in the left side of the body. Today it also arises in the head. Some of the energetics that usually arises when practicing in bed, today arose while working at the office when focusing on a work subject.
I don’t know if it’s related to energetic untangling or what, but since the last 1-2 weeks or so, I feel that a sense of pleasantness in the body is almost always accessible if I decide to tune into it. Previously it wasn’t like that, and I would often have difficulty finding pleasantness, even after focusing on restfulness for one or more sessions.
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Friday:
Forgot to write this last night:
The last two nights there was a new flavor of energetics, usually, it feels like the sensations arise from/in the body, but these ones felt like an external object comes into contact with the body and touches it and causes the sensation. They were the strongest and I had a hard time keeping the body still. Today it once happened like that in the office, but it was mild. Also, there has been a sense of movement in the space, like there is a wind and wind moves the visual space. Huh, this hadn’t occurred to me before, I like the analogy of wind and space.
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There seems to be a sickness in the body, the fatigue and bodily pain didn’t go away after getting up, but it could be related to other things. It was interesting that last night in bed I fell asleep in less than a few minutes and don’t remember much. I start to remember when I write about it! And now some images arise. Yes, before falling asleep there were mental images of colleagues and other people that I know, after recognizing their images, they would turn toward me, and they had an evil face, but it would go away quickly. Today the experience looks somewhat like a dream. Like the images arise but I don’t hear the sounds and there is just humming. Probably more sleep is needed.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 9/2/22 1:55 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 9/2/22 1:34 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Sunday:
Last night it took a while to fall asleep, and it was interesting that despite having the whole body relaxed, there were very few energetics, definitely no intense sensations.
-------

On my way home on the bus, I closed my eyes and started practicing. The bus was full, with no empty space I couldn’t even see the windows, but it was very interesting that the moment I started practicing, I noticed there is no boundaries for the bus in the mental image space, it appeared like I am in an open space and my surrounding is empty, or maybe there were just one or two people, and as the bus was moving, I didn’t perceive movement in the mental visual field, it was just a relaxed open space.

Although I still make simple mistakes because of sleep deprivation and lack of concentration, today I had a better performance.
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Tuesday:
Last night in bed the energetics started with high intensity and it stayed like that until I fell asleep.
Not having enough sleep is causing mental and bodily challenges.

A few days ago there was a dream. It was a retreat and Rob Burbea was the teacher. A guy, around the age of 60 went to the front to ask a question, but he was uncomfortable, Rob asked him the reason, and he said my question is not worth your time, and Rob started talking about why the guy thought that way and saying that it’s not true, but the guy was still uncomfortable, couldn’t face Rob, and kept saying that other people, even the ones who are considered socially less (I don’t remember who they were), are more important.
-------

Last night the energetics were relatively strong and mostly painful until I fell asleep, but I had a good sleep. Today while coming back from the office I tried to practice, but I was tired and let go of it.
The main undefined variables related to the new job and my house became defined this week. I am curious to see how it will affect this body-mind.
Last night in bed there was hard pain in the right foot like it was under heavy pressure. Tonight there is a similar feeling in both hands.
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Thursday:
Last night the energetics started very painfully, but the body stayed equanimous. Once an energy current moved from the base of the spine into the hips and that released the energy and I moved to sleep after that. I had higher confidence today.
Many times today I noticed a feeling of heat in my left fingers, and tonight there is hard pain in the right foot with burning occasionally. I tried to do a sit but didn’t have the energy. I’ll leave it for bed.
After the work in the last 3 weeks, I notice that part of me starts getting interested in coding again. I had some difficulties, like not having good concentration, forgetting things, and making simple mistakes, but in the last few days, I notice some of the skills or abilities are coming back.

It happens again tonight, that mental images arose of people that I know, after I recognize them, I notice their face or I notice they turn toward me, and their face is the face of a demon or evil being, sometimes having creepy laughter.
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Friday:
Today I felt sick after waking up, similar to the last weekend but a little more severe, but I guessed that it was related to sleep deprivation, and there was still heaviness in the eyes. I slept again in the afternoon, and after waking up, it seems the sick feeling has subsided. There was an uncomfortable fear dream, one of my common fear dreams.

And I love the smell in the air and the color tone in the space. It’s telling that the summer is over, and autumn is coming, the king of the seasons!
Among the seasons, I think the autumn is closest to death. It has a quietness to it like everything stops, and there is no movement.
I feel that I am recently more aware of the fact that I, and we are not going to stay here. Death is in the corner, and it can come any time it wants, and it’s just a temporary stay, and it’s better to take it lightly since it’s already ending.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 9/8/22 12:48 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 9/8/22 12:42 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Sunday:
Last night in bed as I relaxed the body there were a few intense and painful energetics shooting in the body, after that there was very few energetics, and for a while, there weren’t any specific sensations other than the touch sensations with the bed, then some soft vibrations arose with coolness, and continued like that for a while, the vibrations were spreading to different parts feeling like it’s opening and dissolving those parts. I don’t know if I was awake or asleep, because it felt that 30-40 minutes has passed, but when I got up, 2 hours had passed. After that, I had only 2-3 hours to sleep, and I got into a flying dream. I was aware of the dream and did some experiments with it, but I forgot them after getting up. Similar vibrations have been arising during the day.
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Wednesday:
Today morning just after getting up, hives appeared in the body with very intense itching and burning. Like the previous time, the rashes and the strongest itching were in locations that have energetic shootings. Maybe in treating hives in medicine, they need to pay attention to the energy! Since I didn’t scratch, its intensity went away after half an hour, but a moderate itching stayed on the whole body. Today my concentration at work was a little better than the previous days, it felt a little bit like how it was before covid.

Still, there is heat in the left fingers. Today a few times coldness arose in the base of the spine and right knee. I am expecting a shift in the energetics in the next few days and weeks, but I don’t know how it will be.
Last night the energetics started with a few intensely painful tickling and electric shocks, then there was one of those abrupt shifts that the color statics in the murk become only black and white with an energetic release in the head, and after that, it became all quiet.
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Thursday:
I finished the 4th week of my new job, and 4 weeks sleeping and going to work the same way most people do. It was around 15 years that I was not able to do this for this long. Part of it was because I wasn’t willing to accept its discomfort, and part of it was because I didn’t know how to do it and didn’t have enough equanimity and emotional resilience to handle the discomforts and conflicts between desires. I am satisfied with it, it was better than my expectations. My memory, concentration, and performance could be better if I had a less strict routine, but that's secondary, and it’s already getting better, and I am learning (and remembering) ways to use my resources more efficiently. 
shargrol, modified 1 Year ago at 9/8/22 6:34 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 9/8/22 6:34 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Congratulations Siavash! 4 weeks of successfully creating a new habit is a big deal!!
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 9/8/22 7:42 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thank you Shargrol, I am grateful for your help.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 9/9/22 3:00 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 9/9/22 1:03 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Friday:
Feeling like the body wants to fly, a sense of subtle movement between the body and space.
The murk has changed in the last hour, there are bright lights and colors, violet, purple and white. I liked to do a sit, but I am dozing off. I’ll try to stay awake in bed and do some practice.
Today the numbers have more repetition. And intentions seem to have more power, which sometimes kind of freaks me out.
I listened to part of this interview that Daniel and Andrés Gómez Emilsson from qualia participated. It was very interesting that a lot of what Andrés explained about symmetry, is pretty much what I think and feel about symmetry.
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Again, this weekend, similar to the last 2 or 3 weekends the body feels sick, with pain and fatigue, and sleepiness. Previously I thought it was only tiredness and recovering from sleep deprivation, but it occurred to me that there is recovering from other imbalances. It is the same pattern that happened a year ago when I was in my hometown, feeling sleepy and sick which is very similar to covid or flu, but it could be none of those, and it’s interesting that some of the body-mind functions seem to be recovering faster than the others. But who knows, I am suspicious of any procedure that is not reproducible, and testing it wouldn't give predictable results, so I don’t have much trust in how the current medicine works for certain problems.

The last week I tried to use my time more efficiently and I had close to enough sleep each day, but it’s interesting that it’s 3-4 days now that I feel sleepy almost all the time, and it affects my voice (which I like BTW). So I think this sleepiness is not related to the recent days, it’s recovering from the imbalances in the previous years.
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In recent weeks and months, what I notice a lot, which makes a big difference in how I navigate life, is that there are other options. When difficulties arise, or there is an uncomfortable emotion, it doesn’t look like, as it did before, that that is the way things are. Besides that, there is a little space, which makes it possible to stop and think that this is not the only option, things could be in a different way, or I can perceive them in a different way, or I can act in a different way. It doesn’t look significant at first maybe, but it makes a big difference. Without that little space and the possibility of other options, it’s like you are in a prison, it has a door, but you think that the door is locked and you can’t do anything about it, so you don’t do anything about “leaving” that prison. But with that little space, you are in that prison and you know that there is a door, but you know that you can push the door and it will, or at least, it may open. I’d say it’s two very different ways of living.

Last weekend I was uncomfortable because I was constantly worried that the weekend is ending, and I have to wait until the next weekend to have some rest. But today there was much better tranquility and contentment, and having contentment didn’t lead to despair. Now I notice a mild sense of despair arising for a moment, but vanishing quickly, and that’s okay. For some time today there was a deep sense of satisfaction, like things are okay the way they are.

-- Edit:
Actually it feels that the contentment/satisfaction, and a pleasant valence, or nice-ness is built into all sensations. Sometimes it's like that, and sometimes it takes shifting the view a little bit, and it becomes available.

-- Edit 2:
It's interesting, today I wanted to do sitting practice, and several times I wanted to start doing it, but didn't, because it feels like "it's okay, why bother..., or there is no need to want anything other than what is". I don't want to give it any good or bad judgment though, just waiting to see what comes next.

-- Edit 3:
It's maybe 2 days that I sometimes have a strange feeling, that I don't have to always accompany this body, I can leave it where it is and walk away somewhere else. The walking or moving to somewhere else isn't the predominant part of it, but the sense that I don't have to be tied to this body. Don't know what it is, it just seems strange and interesting.
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Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 9/9/22 6:48 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 9/9/22 6:48 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Siavash, are you aware that mind has no location? It reflects what come to it but it's essence is not that.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 9/9/22 9:21 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 9/9/22 9:21 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Chris, I just use these words in a conventional way, but I don't know what mind is. Is it even possible to define what mind is?

I don't think that mind can have location, because it would mean that it's fixed in space in a "moment", but space seems illusory to me. So I don't know how something can be without space and location, but at the same time it doesn't make sense to attribute any space or location to mind, so it's a big "don't know" for me.
 
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Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 9/10/22 9:36 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 9/10/22 9:36 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Is it even possible to define what mind is?

​​​​​​​This is probably best done by defining what mind is not  emoticon
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 9/10/22 9:48 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 9/10/22 9:48 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Chris M
Is it even possible to define what mind is?

​​​​​​​This is probably best done by defining what mind is not  emoticon


Yes, exactly. The same way if we want to define what God is. We only could say what God is not, and does not. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 9/15/22 12:09 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 9/15/22 12:09 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Monday:

I remembered now that Huberman often talks about delayed gratification and how it balances dopamine levels. I notice a powerful effect, that when something happens or I do something that I would normally like and get a positive feeling for it, I practice being equanimous with that, so the moment that the positive feeling starts to arise, I stay flat (I am looking for a good term for this), or quiet, and don’t take it personally, and if the mind is about to get busy about it, I just say to myself “it just happened, or something happened, let’s be grateful”, and it seems that this protects the mind from being poisoned by the positive feeling and identification around it, makes it easier to do that behavior again that had created the positive feeling.

On these two days, I had higher energy than all the days in the last month. Also, there was a positive valence, and feeling sexual tone in sensations sometimes. I think I had a flying dream but I don’t remember. During the day several times energy currents started moving, and there has been soft vibrations sometimes like part of the body starts dissolving. I forgot why I wrote this and the main thing that I had in mind, fuck it.

I miss you Tim.

One thing I notice, which is interesting is that I try to do a lot in a short amount of time these days, most times there isn’t much resistance, but when there is noticeable resistance, the resistance justifies itself by something like “I wouldn’t do this, this is not how I used to be”. So the identity of the past tries to replace the identity of now as a form of resistance.
Tonight I didn’t want to write here, but I did, the reason I think is that the body-mind wants to release energy, so it finds a way to do it, and this is one of the many.

Last night in bed the energetics started with high intensity. A very painful shooting from the genitals, feeling like a wire charged by electricity entered from the genitals and moved up to the abdomen, then a similar one in the sacrum, then the left foot started shaking because of the energy moving there. Then similar to the one that I had a few weeks ago, an intense set of sensations arose in the left thigh, and I felt that something moved out of the left thigh, and that released the energy and it became quiet after that.
-------

Tuesday morning:
I woke up earlier today, at 4:44. There is a subtle but pervasive sense of joy in the experience, and goosebumpy vibrations initiating from the center of the neck toward the above and below.
My memory still sucks, but I feel my concentration and creativity and speed start to come back.
It’s the state where any hint of emotionality, especially positive ones, fills the body with vibrations.
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Today the vibrations continued for a while, especially in the head, then in the afternoon some energetics arose in the thighs and genitals, then a strong throbbing/beating arose in the right side of the head, and stayed for a few minutes. I don’t remember having this kind of sensation in my head. It would be interesting to have the vibrations spread more deeply in the head.
Also, the energetic itching has intensified since yesterday. Now it feels like burning in the left side of the navel and left arm. I think there is another round of untangling happening on the left side of the body. Writing about the left side caused vibrations arising from the left thigh and spread upward to the middle back and chest.
Today for a good portion of the day, the main mind-state was contentment, and several times I noticed that feelings like despair, anger, and frustration arise briefly, then go away and arise again. Fortunately, I remembered that I don’t need to subscribe to the view that is attached to these feelings, and just let it come and go parallel to other things, and after a while, they stopped arising. These all made it clearer that most of these positive and negative states are related to how I judge myself, and how I think other people judge me. So both positive and negative have an attachment to the identity. I need to work on that.
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Wednesday:
It’s interesting how the memory has a layered structure. I feel that I remember that I had a dream today, it was probably flying or a realm experience that I had woken up in the dream, but I don’t remember anything about its content. Like a message format that has metadata or headers and its body, there seems to be a similar structure.
Once there was a release in the head before falling asleep, and the murk became black and white.
Today I had lower concentration/clarity for part of the day, and that caused tension in the head because there was over-efforting.
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Thursday:
I fell asleep quickly last night. Again I have a similar feeling about the dreams but I don’t remember anything. There was a few strong energetics in the beginning, then gone. The system tries to adapt to the routine, so I can’t keep myself awake to practice.
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For the previous 4 weeks I used online taxis when going to the office because I couldn’t find enough time to use public transportation, but this week I went by bus the whole week, and I was in the office earlier than the previous weeks. I wouldn’t believe that I could do it, but to my surprise, it happened. But it doesn’t leave me any time for practice. I’ve tried to practice while I am on the bus but didn’t have much success.
This week I felt much better than the previous weeks.
Today the soft vibrations keep arising frequently in the body, especially in its left side.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 9/16/22 2:01 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 9/16/22 2:01 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Friday:

I tried to do some sitting practice last night, but I kept falling asleep. Then in bed, there were lots of energetic painful shootings that caused difficulty with breathing and I had to take deep breaths, also there was pleasant coolness spreading to parts of the body. There was a dream with a big dog, it started like the usual fear dreams, but I noticed that I don’t have fear, there is only a subtle urge that I can let go of, and the dog looked very nice, so I let the dog come close, and started touching it. Then in another dream, that was the first of this kind as far as I remember, I had some properties, and in a gathering probably with family members, I told them that after I die, only these people can have a share in those properties, and I knew that others won’t like it.
Had a hard time getting up. There is that heavy sleepiness in the body. It’s like a pervasive numbness and pain in the whole body. Sometimes the numbness increases in one part, and sometimes after that, it turns to vibrations. Like usual, it feels that the skin is a few sizes smaller than the body. Also, there was intense hunger when getting up which was expected as another part of the healing from the imbalances.
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During the week the predominant mind-state was contentment, which sometimes was in the background and sometimes was more noticeable and had a mildly joyful feel to it. Today there is a mild dissatisfaction. Other than the sleepiness that causes a few flavors of discomfort in the body, there is also a mild worry that I don’t have enough time this weekend to rest. Today the space is not as expanded and spacious as yesterday. I am not sure about the sense of time though.
Although there is enough acceptance, that these differences don’t bother much, I can’t not notice the difference. And one main difference is the facial expression and its mental image, which has a contractedness.
Since the last two days, the left long toe has been active again energetically, and it still feels sometimes that it’s plugged into a low voltage power outlet.
Today I didn’t have the energy to do the housework, laundry, washing dishes, etc, and wanted to leave it for tomorrow, which can give rise to negativity, then it occurred to me that let’s divide and conquer and subdivide until I do conquer, and that helped me do them. It gave hope that things could be done in not so good conditions, if I stop thinking about them, and just do it little by little. I need to remind myself hundreds of times until it becomes habitual.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 9/17/22 1:16 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 9/17/22 1:16 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Saturday:
I thought that probably fire kasina could help move me out of this sleepiness state quickly, so I lit a candle and want to see how it goes.
Again, I notice that it’s the view that creates a positive or negative experience. I notice there is a view in my current experience, that because of some health difficulties, it feels like I should be worried or sad because of those difficulties and I should not feel good. But I don’t need to subscribe to that view. I can be satisfied when there is or there isn’t a problem or difficulty.
The flame is so beautiful!
Looking at the flame feels like time stops.
Today there is that quietness and tender sadness of autumn in the air.
One thing I kept forgetting for days, is that it’s about ten days that when I have the energetics in bed, some of them, which are usually quite strong, feel like an external hand or object pinches the body, I think all of it was around the pelvis and lower abdomen.
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It seems that brief fire kasina had some effect. In bed, it started with two painful shootings from the left long toe and genitals, then it was relatively quiet. I got into a flying dream, and I woke up in the middle of and noticed that there is intense sexual pleasure in the lower body similar to the previous ones like there is a soft cloth that is rubbing the body, but this time it was familiar enough and I didn’t worry about it, so I let it happen. I forgot the content of the flying, and when I came back to bed, I tried to fly again but it didn’t happen. Today the sleepiness is mild, but there is numbness in the fingers. Sometimes the numbness causes worry.
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The sleepiness is mostly gone, but the numbness remains. They usually arise together, but this time the numbness is more noticeable, so I don’t know if there is something else that’s causing it.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 11/11/22 2:18 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/11/22 2:18 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Friday November 11, 2022, 11:17 PM

No place to stand?

Recently a lot has happened where I live and that has shifted priorities. I didn’t have much interest in writing, and I couldn’t make time to practice, things were happening fast, with high intensity. I guess as a result of the new situation, I’ve started having anxiety attacks again. It’s been some time that I had recovered from that, and the amount of tension in my body was not problematic, now it has become a problem again. The interesting part is that often my mind is calm and quiet, but the body is in a different state. What I think seems to be the key issue, is that the body has fear of not having a place to stand. Previously it has happened many times, both in sitting and reclining practice, that for a moment I notice that I start to float or get away from the body, but there is a quick fear reaction and I snap back into the body. Or I feel for a moment that the ground is being taken away from under me, and then a quick fear reaction. Probably it has roots in my childhoods. Once when I was 5-6 years old and we were in our family village playing with other kids on a rooftop that had several holes (those holes were there to provide light), while I was running, I didn’t see the hole and both my legs went into the hole. Fortunately my brother and my cousin caught me immediately. I think 1-2 other ones had happened but that one is clearly remembered. Also there was fear of falling when working on carpets, with big carpets sometimes we would work 4-6 feet above the ground on a narrow place, and usually walking (and sometimes sitting) there would be a challenge.

I wonder if there is a connection between them and the kind of tensions that I am experiencing. While I am sitting, often the body keeps tensing, and can not relax because it has fear of falling. Similar when I am in bed for keeping my head on the pillow. And while walking, a lot of times I feel that my feet are smaller that what they should be and they can not keep me balanced!

In the last several days I have tried to be mindful as much as I can, and relax the body, and I did a few short fire kasina sessions, and it’s two days now that there is a lot of energy currents and electric shocks in the body, and tingles and vibrations around the most tense areas. It's not easy to relax the tension, and a lot of times it doesn't seem possible, because it seems to be in the deep fascia and I don't seem to have control over it.

Often there is more tension in the neck and lower abdomen, but I think there is a distortion with the earth element that is causing the main fear.

Any suggestions?
Thanks.
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Pepe ·, modified 1 Year ago at 11/11/22 6:45 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/11/22 6:24 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 713 Join Date: 9/26/18 Recent Posts
Hi Siavash,

Good to hear from you. I was wondering how you was dealing with all the recent social strife there. Not easy times for sure. Sometimes in my underdeveloped country we boast about knowing how to live in constant uncertainty due to social and financial struggles, but to be honest we are just naturalizing the adding of another layer of anxiety to life. Like the story of a frog in hot water. 

I wish I had something to help you, but being no expert I probably would do more harm than good. 

Hope others chime in, best wishes!
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 11/11/22 7:04 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/11/22 7:04 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Hi dear Pepe,
Thank you for your care and kindness and your wish to help.

I think the recent events were just the trigger, and I think the main cause should be something else, probably the fundamental sense of insecurity. Or maybe my mindfulness has decreased and that has contributed to the return of tensions and insecirity in its somatic sense.  I've had big positive changes in terms of some habits, my daily work and sleep routines and I am in a much better financial situation compared to a few months ago, but none of that seem to be helping the body! emoticon
There is a need for spaciousness. Although the mind is quiet a lot of times, but it's contracted, and trying to notice space doesn't give rise to the spaciousness.
​​​​​​​Thanks!
 
shargrol, modified 1 Year ago at 11/12/22 6:50 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/12/22 6:50 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 2344 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
Believe it or not, this actually sounds good to me. 

It's very common to have a positive change in life or insight that makes things better for a while, but then for things to go bad again. It can be very easy to fall into negative thinking about it, but usually there is something new going on: the mind is ready to look at old trauma and release it.

The symbol for earth element is a yellow multi-faceted jewel. Each facet of the jewel reflects a different worldview, some positive some negative, and the jewel keeps moving and showing changing worldviews. When earth is unbalanced, it feels like the mind is trying to grab on to some form of certainty, but things keep changing. If the mind desparately tries to grab and hold to things, then we become enprisioned in negativity and fear --- like an earthquake burying us where we can't move or escape...

But when the KNOWING MIND is strong, the jewel can spin and reveal many different facets but the mind-which-knows does not change. So earth is all about balancing in the midst of change. The balanced mind isn't still, it is the body of a surfer riding a big choppy wave, intimatily connected with the scary wave but still balancing... even loving the wave because the wave brings out the surfer's best performance.

A lot of "memory" is in the body, yes it can feel like it is in the muscles or facia. When the mind begins to be healthy, these old experience seem to "leak out" of the body and into experience. Sometimes the mind is calm but the body is intense, sometimes the thoughts/emotions are intense but the body is calm --- either way, what is important to notice is that it is not related to present reality. The mind might be calm and the life situation is relatively safe and okay... but the body can be vibrating or exploding with sensations. This is more purification. 

The hardest thing can be to simply trust in the process. These body sensations (or emotions/thoughts) >could< re-trigger old trauma, but if the knowing mind is strong, then this is really more like "digesting" old trauma.

One of the things that can help is remembering "the past is past, this is now" and when the challenging anxiety/thoughts/emotions/sensations arise, gently keep them in mind along with something that is clearly in the present moment. It often helps to focus on a sensation low in the body, like the feel of feel on the floor or the weight or "entire heavy mass" of the body, or how the arms just simply hang from the shoulders. During sitting practice, I like to keep the feeling of my butt on the cushion in my awareness. But the point is, find a balance between experiencing all the releasing sensations from the past and the normal everyday sensations of the present moment. Sort of "one foot in the past, one foot in the present" idea.

It's okay to feel the fear reaction. Basically your body is wondering "should I still be afraid?" and your job is to welcome that fear and say "thats okay fear, I understand you are afraid based on past experiences, but there is no reason to be afraid now." Same thing with feeling out of balance or afraid of falling. "Its okay, I understand, but you are okay now."

The child wants a solid place to stand (which is appropriate for a child, they need that), but you are healing the child and having it learn a new adult skill: learning to balance as the place to stand keeps changing. It's more like a dance. At first balancing is tiring and needs practice, but soon it becomes natural --- it feels like how you were meant to live! 

"It's not easy to relax the tension, and a lot of times it doesn't seem possible, because it seems to be in the deep fascia and I don't seem to have control over it. Often there is more tension in the neck and lower abdomen, but I think there is a distortion with the earth element that is causing the main fear."

Don't worry too much about relaxing the tension or having control... allow yourself to feel the sensations of the tension (not the idea or worry about the tension, but the sensations of the tension itself) while also maintaining awareness of something more present like the floor or your cushion. Allow the sensations in the deep fascia to be felt and imagine that these are the impurities bubbling to the surface as part of the purification process. If you can learn to love the purfication process, it's helpful, but it's a bittersweet taste that takes a while to truly appreciate.

​​​​​​​Hope this is helpful in some way!
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 11/12/22 3:39 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/12/22 3:38 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Thank you Shargrol.
This was very helpful.

As I read it, it translated into my body as "It's okay, your are okay!", and my head and neck that were the most tense areas, filled with vibrations, and keeps spreading vibrations to the whole body!

Interesting, as always, how a shift in the view changes the whole experience!
Thank you!
shargrol, modified 1 Year ago at 11/13/22 6:56 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/13/22 6:56 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 2344 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
Nice! emoticon
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 11/16/22 12:53 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/16/22 12:51 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Monday November 14, 2022, 7:36 AM
​​​​​​​
At work, we have daily standup meetings (although we do it seated!), in the last 10 days or so it has become a big challenge for me. Other than the tension that I’ve had almost all the time, when the time comes for the meeting, my body starts shaking, it becomes difficult to breathe, my voice is shaking and it’s as hell to talk just for a few seconds. But yesterday, although there was more tension in the body compared to the previous day, and I was afraid of talking, but I didn’t have any problem, and as I was talking, I was thinking, when these attacks want to come? So I talked longer than usual to see if anything happens, but fortunately it went okay.
After going to bed at night, the body was able to relax after several weeks, and there were intense energetic pains in most of the energetic centers, with vibrations in the head.
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10:26 PM
Today in daily meeting although there was a lot of tension in the body with shakiness, but I could talk with relatively less problem. A good portion of the time there has been relaxation in the body (except for the head and neck), with these new energetic pains and currents. It seems that the energetics had a shift. There has been contentment and equanimity, which at times was pervasive and kind of strong, and feel like I want to do something to let it out, play music or dance or other physical activities. The energetics have a sharp burning and stabbing flavor, and it seems there has been an opening in the back. There are movements in the back like an insect is walking.
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Tuesday November 15, 2022, 9:47 AM

I had an interesting dream, that my size would become much smaller, and I could fly, also I could make other objects fly, and a few times I could do it with other people and they started flying too, after becoming very small object. All flying objects were spinning in the air, which is probably A&P territory.
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Wednesday November 16, 2022, 7:13 AM

Yesterday, for the first time in the last 3 months I overslept and was late at work, and it felt quite negative. Today I woke up earlier, and the feeling is much much better. I prefer this new way of living and don’t like to go back to being a night owl. Last night in bed the energetics were intense, mix of pleasant and painful, and there are still vibrations and insect-crawling in the energetic points.
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10:21 PM
Today there was less tension in the body, and I had and higher performance. There has been high energetic activity in the body, and once at work I noticed that something popped open in the head, and vibrations started spreading there for 10-20 minutes, also there was pleasant coolness spreading over the body, and visual field was vibrating. Now that I wrote this, it started again, energy currents, vibrations and coolness spreads over the body and head.
I did a short sit focused on the body, that led the more vibrations and coolness and mild sexual feelings, then sleepiness. The sleepiness has been present most of the time in these 3 days. 
shargrol, modified 1 Year ago at 11/16/22 4:33 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/16/22 4:33 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Nice, so now you are experiencing the dark night nanas but with a higher level of awareness/centered-ness. Especially those feelings of coolness, those are the classic experiences of a dark night yogi that is no longer fighting the dark night. It shows up as a cool numbness, almost like a cool breeze or a fan is blowing on the skin.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 11/16/22 9:21 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/16/22 9:09 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Thanks Shargrol.

Yes, it feels exactly like "a cool breeze or a fan is blowing on the skin". Although I had coolness and breeze on the skin in the early years of practice as a recurrent thing, though it was mainly in my hands and feet at that time. Recent ones is mainly on the neck and head.
​​​​​​​Thanks.  
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 11/18/22 10:41 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/18/22 9:45 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Thursday November 17, 2022, 10:23 AM

Today I have been very sleepy, I had a hard time keeping myself awake at work, and because of sleepiness, there is numbness in the limps if I don’t move them for some time. There is less energetic activity compared to yesterday, but sometimes the vibrations and energy currents arise and spread. Like yesterday, sometimes for a few moments it feels like the ground and space is wavy. When I close my eyes or tune to the restfulness in the body, there is a pleasant relaxation, it feels mild but it’s very nice and relaxed. At the moment, the entirety of the experience and sensations manifests, radiates contentment. The mind is quiet. The body-mind likes to do the movements slowly, and be more present with the sensations, and sometimes enjoy that.

Interestingly, when I think of myself, often, unlike most times, the mental image of my face is not present (or it’s so vague that it’s almost absent), and that makes it harder to think that this body is connected to a “me”, but when I bring the mental image of the face, a/the “me” connects to the body.

Friday November 18, 2022, 11:22 PM

Last night I was locked in an unusual sleepiness. Because of weekend I wanted to sleep later and do some practice, but I became sleepier and fell asleep around 12 am, for the next 10 hours I kept trying to have a few minutes to smoke a cigarette and do a few minutes of practice, but I kept falling asleep. I’d light a cigarette, then wake up and notice that it’s burning my hair, or it has fallen on the ground, finally I could get up and go to bed, and slept til night! I still feel sleepy!
This much amount and degree of sleepiness, makes me think that there has been a shift in the bigger arc of development. (3 weeks of intense muscle tension, followed by a week of feeling sleepy all the time despite having ‘enough’ sleep.)

Saturday November 19, 2022, 7:11 AM

I tried to do some sitting practice, but it was mostly sleepiness and falling asleep. For some minutes there was vibrations and energy currents and pleasant coolness/breeze spreading over the body.
There is bright violet light flickering in front of the eyes (open or closed), which is usually one of the components of this sleepy state.
 
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Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 11/19/22 7:43 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/19/22 7:43 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 5117 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
It makes me happy to see you posting again, Siavash. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 11/19/22 8:08 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Thank you Chris, thank you _/\_ .
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 11/22/22 10:29 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/22/22 10:24 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Sunday, November 20, 2022, 6:11 AM

Because of the long sleep in the last two days, I couldn’t sleep well, but I had an interesting flying dream. I fell asleep for some minutes, then I noticed I am in the air in my room beside the window. I don’t know if I had awareness, because it seems that the type of awareness in asleep is different from wakefulness? I wanted to go out of the window, but as usual, I thought that I’d have difficulty getting out, and when I got closer to the window, I noticed the experience is getting thicker and I can’t move easily. Then, a neat trick came to mind. I thought let’s imagine that I am on the other side of the window, and I did that, immediately I was there and flying freely! Then I used it for moving between the buildings or flying to higher altitudes, and each time it worked. It was fun. Another interesting part was that I was flying above the university that I was there ages ago, and I was thinking, man, I should go back there to continue my studies, even if I study in a different field for just the fun of it! And the next scene I was in a classroom at another university with a few old friends, and I had enrolled to study fine arts and music! This going back to school and learning music is not resolved yet.

Another interesting part was that I was flying over a skyscraper inside the university, but I didn’t have enough power to go above it, so I was using my feet to walk on it while flying, and because I knew it was a dream, it felt normal that my feet would go inside the walls, but at the end, I could go above that, and that was different from the previous flying dreams.

7:41 PM
Although today I had less than 1-2 hours of sleep, today I didn’t feel sleepy. My energy level was high, but there was a lot of anger, not for any specific reason, but little things trigger anger. And there was lots of muscle tension. It makes me think that this has been a transition from the 6th nana (the first 3 weeks) to the 7th (the last week of sleepiness and feeling sick) to the 8th nana (today with the higher energy and anger). It’s been a few hours that there is itching in the energetic points, I’d usually map that as a part of the 8th nana. After coming home, the head has frequent vibrations.
Today there is much higher tension in the head and neck, and sometimes it’s mixed with a kind of vibration like the neck is connected to a vibrator.

Monday, November 21, 2022, 8:59 PM

Today that heightened energy and feelings of anger and being tense, were mostly gone, and there was sleepiness and fatigue, although the head and neck were tense. Since the evening the tension has increased. Last night in bed the energetics were stronger than before, causing movements in the body. Today a few times similar ones occurred, like intense throbbing in the hips. Once at work, something caused me to notice a feeling of not belonging, and I tried to bring memories to mind that would give me that feeling in the past, mainly in childhood, like others have fun and I can’t be part of that. As I tried to bring different images and memories to mind with that theme, the head and neck became tenser and turned into a headache, that is still present.

Tuesday, November 22, 2022, 7:38 PM

I usually try to practice during my commute to work, but often I am not satisfied with its level of mindfulness. Today I changed the technique, and used non-stop mental labels, like one label per second while noting body parts, e.g head head head head arm arm arm…, and it was much better. After several minutes I notice a reduction of tension in the body, especially in the abdomen, and I had less tension during the day.
Last night and today there has been intense energetics, some of it like a mixture of hot water and ice water touching the body. Sometimes for a few moments, things are not solid, as if a wind is blowing that moves the space. In the last few hours, a feeling of despair arises frequently that stays for a few seconds before passing away.
I've been feeling sleepy all day long. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 11/25/22 11:30 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/25/22 8:38 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Wednesday, November 23, 2022, 7:13 AM

I had a clear flying dream but I can’t remember it yet. I came to bed after it and tried to do it again but it didn’t happen.

4:28 PM
Today there is too much tension in the body that I couldn’t continue working and came home early. Also I’ve been feeling very sleepy. Constant headache because of the tensions. During daily meeting, I tried all that I knew to calm the body, so I could talk, but my whole body started shaking. I guess this is the pattern, that after having something good, another round of these difficulties arises. For a few days I was satisfied about some work and family situations.

Thursday, November 24, 2022, 11:31 PM

Today the early part of the day was tough. Although I had a long sleep, I had a lot of difficulty with getting up. The body was very tense with shaking and sweating and flu symptoms, and I was afraid about talking in our daily meeting, but to my surprise, I had no difficulty talking today, none. After the meeting I noticed that the tension decreased, and the rest of the day was much easier. Since the evening there has been a desire to experience the sensations more fully or closely.

Friday, November 25, 2022, 3:54 AM

I did a sit, for a few minutes there was vibrations and energy currents, then I became very sleepy.
For the next few hours I tried to practice with eyes open to have a better chance with sleepiness, but it didn’t help.

Saturday, November 26, 2022, 12:15 AM

I had less sleep than what I wanted and I got up with a low mood, but a little later I noticed a sense of relaxation arising, and an urge to listen to music. I played a few favorites, and for a few hours as I listened to it, the body kept having goosebumpy vibrations, spreading from lower spine and neck, and there was positive feelings and some relaxation. Later the tension has increased again especially in the head and neck.

5:57 AM
Did some formal and informal practice, there was vibrations and energetics in the head for some time, also there was increased tension in the temples, like the head is stuck between two brick walls and they are pressing it. Recently, other than the tension that is there always in the head and neck, sometimes there is other energetics like pulsation around my eyes. Later did a sit just resting in silence, after some minutes I got attacked by the sleepiness, and now the whole body is in discomfort because of the sleepiness.

This weekend I had less procrastination for doing the week preparation (food, cloths and etc), because I’ve noticed that all that creates the negative feelings of procrastination and its worries, is the thoughts related to doing or not doing the work, but if I just start the work, without having any opinion about it, it just does itself, and there is no negativity. Always the biggest problem with procrastination was that, I thought I should first solve it mentally and emotionally that I am okay with doing the thing or starting it, so that I could start, but that was wrong. The way to solve the mental and emotional part, at least for me, is that I shouldn’t let the thought-loops and story-telling start, and if it's started, ignore it, and assume that it’s in a parallel reality that is not affecting the work doing itself.

7:19 AM
Did a sit focused on the body and the color statics in the murk. Although the body is very sleepy, but some energetics arose, a very strong pain in the left toes that startled the body, coldness in several energetic points, and then vibrations have arisen, that still keep arising after the sit. I need to increase the practice doze to let the energy circulate more. During the practice yesterday and today there was strong pain in the sacrum, I haven’t had that for quite a while. It seems to me that as long as there is the blockages in that area, the energy can not flow freely, but the funny thing is that trying to make it flow only results in more blockages. Surrender is needed.

-- Edit:
I had forgotten my mapping! It seems,.. after the 8th, comes the increased attempt and practice, and "figuring out", trying, foolishly, to find tricks!
 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago at 11/26/22 9:00 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/26/22 9:00 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Since the evening there has been a desire to experience the sensations more fully or closely.

Good!

This weekend I had less procrastination for doing the week preparation (food, cloths and etc), because I’ve noticed that all that creates the negative feelings of procrastination and its worries, is the thoughts related to doing or not doing the work, but if I just start the work, without having any opinion about it, it just does itself, and there is no negativity. Always the biggest problem with procrastination was that, I thought I should first solve it mentally and emotionally that I am okay with doing the thing or starting it, so that I could start, but that was wrong. The way to solve the mental and emotional part, at least for me, is that I shouldn’t let the thought-loops and story-telling start, and if it's started, ignore it, and assume that it’s in a parallel reality that is not affecting the work doing itself.

This is wise. I wish I would be more prone to applying this as well. I have figured this out many times and yet I still get stuck again and again because it lures me in. Stay strong! The parallell reality part of it is new to me. I’ll give it a try. Thanks for sharing!
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 11/26/22 11:13 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/26/22 11:13 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Thank you Linda.

Yes, I keep forgetting it too, or not applying it, it needs practice! But I'd say there has been improvements, so it's working. Now I am worried about washing yesterday's or worst last week's dishes, previously I'd be worried about washing dishes from months ago, or throwing the dishes away!
 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 11/27/22 12:51 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 11/27/22 12:45 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Saturday, November 26, 2022, 8:53 AM

Using visuals, and the space around it as the focus object. It has the effect of calming the body-mind, though the problem is, I habitually tense the base of my head when focusing on a visual object, which causes tension in the whole head and neck. Need to keep that in awareness with the main object.

9:18 PM
Today getting up from bed was torture. After I woke up, there was so much sleepiness, but I couldn’t fall asleep, and that created a unique kind of pain.
There is a chemical imbalance, more than what I’d expect, and that has created lots of discomfort, but also there is vibration around the spine and stronger coldness in the energetic centers including the base of the spine. That’s usually a sign of change. I can’t hide that I want to get rid of these tensions!
Also, there is energetic pain in the fingers and toes. Usually, I have electric shocks spreading from the toes upward, but these few days I didn’t have much of that. It seems now that the energy wants to flow outwards, but it encounters blocks and creates pain.
Another new one is a sharp pain in the left side of the navel, that sometimes turns into a burning. I’ve had currents on the right side of the navel, but none on the left side, probably there are more blockages there.

Sunday, November 27, 2022, 7:17 AM

I was in bed for 2-3 hours and had a flying dream. I was in a room, and a guy was sitting on the other side, I started rising up in the air, I thought that the guy is one of my friends, but he looked like a famous actor, I thought, just for the fun of it and to see his reaction, I want to do an experiment, I moved higher and higher, and I wanted to make him think that as I am moving higher, he sees my body larger and larger, Then I noticed coldness in my skull as if it’s raining. It was the coldness that, as far as I know, for the first time had spread to my head, but the mind generated some imagery as if it was raining, and the guy turned to the image of my friend that had slept in the rooftop under the rain.
Compared to before, there is lesser tension in the head, but more tension in the abdomen. Vibrations keep arising, and sometimes small points of burning along the central line in the abdomen. The energy seems to be shifted. A mix of burning and coldness at the sacrum. Electric-flavored vibrations are back in the toes.
When practicing in bed, there was more activity in the head. An interesting sensation that felt like a liquid current is moving inside the eyes startled the body.
My eyes don’t feel sleepy, and the mind is alert, but the body has that heavy feeling of sleepiness, like the whole fascia is in pain.

8:52 PM
Since the afternoon there is a decrease in tension and sleepiness. I tried to focus on the earth and sky whenever I could, don’t know if it had any effect. The body temperature was high today, with heat in my hands sometimes. Last few hours there is positive valence, increased clarity, and a sense of satisfaction.
I did a sit now and became very sleepy again. There were energy currents in the throat center, this has arisen since the evening.
I did something today that I am not sure was okay or not okay. I wish to have the awareness, to be aware of the motives for my actions, and not do things for the wrong reasons.

Thanks to Steve James, Guru Viking, I saw an interview on his channel with Damo Mitchell, and I loved it. He seems to be a real deal in the energy work, I think I’ll find loads of helpful stuff in his material. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 12/1/22 3:44 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Monday, November 28, 2022, 7:21 AM

Last night I did a guided sit with a video from Dame, then as he had suggested there, I focused on the throat center and the upper back in bed, to release the tension there. There were some new kinds of energetics and pains in the head and ears, felt like something is trying to move out of the head from all directions, and some burning and vibrations in the abdomen and legs. Later an intense electric shock from the toes upward, and then I was gone into sleep.
I didn’t know before, that how I put my hands, affects the energy directly. I often put my palms over my thighs, and that creates intense energetics there. It seems that the palms direct the energy to that point.

11:53 PM
Today there were different degrees of tension. In the daily meeting, I only could talk by manipulating my breath. The temperature has been high, with sometimes heat along the spine and hands, and burning around the navel. Since yesterday sometimes there is dizziness, like the ground/space is not stable.

Thursday, December 1, 2022, 1:00 AM

These two days I did some guided practice from Damo’s channel, also I tried to follow his advice to relax the body and let the energy go down the body, and overall I had lesser tension. Yesterday I had anger for several hours, and I liked to break something. Since two days ago I have had some burning and stinging in the throat and chest, probably flu or covid, or maybe because energy has moved lower to the chest, who knows. It’s pretty much like what I had when I got sick after the first covid. Today there was much more burning and stinging, also bodily aches and pains and fatigue, with a kind of restlessness, especially when doing mental work I’d get frustrated quickly. Last 1-2 hours I did a few guided practices with Damo’s videos to let the energy down and out of the body, and there is more relaxation. After doing the first round, there was a field of electric vibrations around the body, and after that load of vibrations and energetics, mostly in the lower part of the body, or moving down in the body. The tension in the head has decreased a great deal, but there is stronger tension and constriction in the throat. While doing the practice, a set of sensations arose a few times, with the throat being in the center of awareness, and I felt I want to laugh and cry. Energy currents moved around the base of the spine and perineum, but mostly it didn’t have pain. Toward the end a few times I noticed that the movement of my hands created heat and vibration and moved it downward.
The helpful exercise has been these two: relaxing the throat and upper back, and pausing the breath after the out-breath, but not by holding it, just not breathing for a few moments.
Tonight a sense of restlessness arose that was very uncomfortable, but after I started this guided practice, it mostly went away.

9:41 PM
Today after going to the office I started feeling sick, with severe pain all over the body, low energy and lack of concentration, and sleepiness, and I had to come home early. There has been high tension in the head and throat, causing headaches and pain in the throat and top of the head.
Although the kind of tension today is different from the one I had for several weeks. The back of the head and neck are relatively relaxed.

Friday, December 2, 2022, 12:57 AM

I did another guided practice with Damo’s videos, for letting the energy down and out. There were vibrations for part of it, but I had less relaxation and flow compared to the previous one yesterday, but I guess it is not an issue. After that, the constriction in the throat has lessened, and there is some pressure between the eyes above the nose, and in the neck.
Yesterday I had done the breathing and tapping exercises first, and that created more flow in the energy.
Today there has been mild pain around the navel, and mild burning in the chest center.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 12/3/22 9:56 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Friday, December 2, 2022, 4:20 AM

I did another guided practice with Damo, although I became very sleepy, falling asleep frequently, but after that the tension has decreased, and the pain in the throat is mild now.

8:01 PM
I had a long sleep with many dreams that I forgot most of it. I guess the energy had moved upward and I had flying dreams. Once I was gliding on a very narrow bridge very high up in the sky and part of the bridge was not there, then I was flying over a lake. For some time in the last 1-3 years I had this dream frequently, but I didn’t have it for quite a while. Several times I woke up and noticed that I have headache and head pressure, and after waking up I still have headache, but the pain in the throat and top of the head is gone, now it’s in the front part above the forehead, and a little bit in the temples.
Similar to the previous weeks, as Ilistened to music, the body filled with vibrations, mostly coming from the neck center. The body moves with the music, I guess it moves the energy and the energy moves the body.
While flying over the lake, my bladder was complaining and I woke up and noticed the visual field is vibrating with lights and shadows. I thought I should be able to intend and create similar experiences, and I tried but it didn’t happens and I fell asleep.

11:39 PM
There seems to be more movements in the energy. I guess there is downward movements, but how could I be sure! Frequently vibrations arise in the head and neck and sometimes spreads to the whole body, and some mild pain arise below the navel. Once there was a sharp pain in the left side of the heart, then it disappeared, and some time later the muscles in front of the heart started throbbing wildly, then an energy current moved down toward the left leg, and then vibrations in the left leg. Also there is pain in the base of spine, and sometimes neutral currents there.
Most of the things that have any emotional tone cause vibrations in most of the body, it seems it all initiates from the spine.
Also there must have been a center point in the center of thighs, a lot of times vibrations arise from there.
Other ones, itching and burning in the perineum. Sometimes electric field around the body and itching with burning flavor. Earlier I did a guided sit with Damo.
And sometimes coolness or coldness arises, sometimes a little breeze, but mostly like a little cold water drops inside the body onto a location.
Also a lot of sickness symptoms, this pretty much looks like the first covid, low energy, bodily pain and fatigue and burning in the chest.
Haha, I guess I am writing because my fingers enjoy moving in harmonic ways. Some written black words on a white sheet, it’s beautiful, isn’t it? There is where the hidden secrets are! Always appealing!
I try to be open about the cause of symptoms in the body, so I thought maybe the pain and burning in the chest is due to the covid or flu, now I notice the same is arising in the upper arm. Clearly I don’t have a third lung in my arm!
Very interesting, now the burning has moved to the left thigh.

It feels very quiet today. I don’t know if it’s because I have less mental activity, or there is less noises outside. It feels like there is no world out there.
Today there is that bright violet (and sometimes purple) lights and colors in the visual field, that expand and contract as circular areas around a center. Also today I notice a lot more beauty in the visuals, especially if there is a artistic harmony there.

Sunday, December 4, 2022, 7:17 AM

Yesterday I woke up after a couple hours of sleep and couldn’t sleep after that, the energy was high and I was alert, with insanely increased sexual energy. Damo had a warning with one of the practices that it could create such effect. Gradually the pain increased in the body, especially in the head, base of spine and below the navel, to such extent that it would create difficulty with breathing. Later when I tried to sleep, it took some hours to fall asleep because of the discomfort. The very interesting thing was that, although I practice in bed for a while, but there almost no energetic sensations. I did one of Damo’s practices a few times, that he said it’s for ceiling the leakages in the energy, I don’t know if it was related to that or not. Today I woke up with the headache again, but now after taking a shower, it’s gone. Low mood.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 12/9/22 8:38 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Sunday, December 4, 2022, 11:34 PM

Today for most of the time at office I had intense anxiety, with sweating, heart racing, low concentration and etc. After I came home it got better. I did a short guided practice with Damo for leading the energy down into the abdomen from the head and hands, and a few times I noticed energy currents moving toward the lower abdomen. Like yesterday there has been strong sexual feelings. And pain in the lower abdomen and base of spine. The neck and throat were relatively comfortable. I had headache for a few hours, but later it was gone mostly.

Tuesday, December 6, 2022, 12:10 AM

Today the early part of the day was quite difficult, with anxiety type feelings and discomforts in the body, but after having lunch it got much better. Later I started to have headache and it has stayed since then except for brief periods. I now did a guided practice with Damo to relax the body and move the energy down from the head to the abdomen, and that led to relaxation. Several times I had pulsation at the back of my right hand, I never had that kind of sensation there before, as far as I remember, and a few times I noticed energy currents moving down. The headache went away first, but then came back stronger.

Wednesday, December 7, 2022, 9:52 PM

Yesterday and today the anxiety was not a big problem, and I didn’t have any problem with talking in the meetings, but I’ve had unbroken severe headache. Today I woke up with the headache and it has been like that since then. The sexual energy still was strong, but today I’ve tried to keep the attention away from anything that could have any relation to that subject, so I had less pain in the lower abdomen and lower back. Most of today the pain was in the top of the skull, but last few hours it moved to the temples first, then it moved to the back of the head, and now it moving between the top and back of the head.

Thursday, December 8, 2022, 8:13 AM

I had a good 5 hours of sleep. It seems the body is adjusting itself to less time for sleep, I fall asleep quickly, and go deeper and don’t remember my dream. After waking up, there is a mild headache. I did a 20 minute sit with Damo’s videos to direct the energy down and in. After waking up there was vibration spreading in the head and neck.

Friday, December 9, 2022, 1:28 AM

Today I didn’t have any anxiety. The headache was mild most of the time, with mild pain in most of the body. After coming home, the headache and bodily pain increased, especially in the pelvis and base of the spine. I tried to do some guided breath practice with Damo, but I fell asleep, tried a few times again and fell asleep each time.
When I have stronger intention, that causes tension in the neck, and it seems it moves the energy to the head and creates discomfort.

Saturday, December 10, 2022, 3:54 AM

Earlier today there was higher imbalance in the energy, it created intense sexual feelings, and pain around the base of spine and lower abdomen. Then the pain became too strong that I had to go to bed to get some relief from it, and fortunately I fell asleep. After getting up it was better, then later the pain decreased in that area a little bit, and it has moved to the head.

Now I did a guided sit with Damo Mitchell for anchoring the breath. There were some wild pulsations in the left side of the body, especially in the left hip, then involuntary movements, mainly in the left side, like my arm jumping, or my leg jumping up. I became very sleepy, and noticed something interesting, that when there is an object that there isn’t positive or negative judgment toward it in the mind, but at the same time it doesn’t leave the mind space, it seems that the mind creates a story, and adds another object to it, an object that there is a positive or negative judgment toward it, so that it could have a judgment about the first object. When there is this kind of awareness at the edge of falling asleep, I usually can’t remember the content of the thoughts, but only an impression, if that impression stays longer than a moment and there is a little clarity to register it in the memory.
At the end of the sit I noticed that I could relax the diaphragm and empty out the air fully in the out-breath, which is something I usually have difficulty with.

6:05 AM
In the last few hours there have been energy currents in the body, also sometimes rocking and involuntary jumps in the body. And a sense of stillness keep emerging in the mind, or should I say in the heart-mind, that hardly has any preference, that seems to take the body into itself, but the body has difficulty synchronizing with that stillness.
 
shargrol, modified 1 Year ago at 12/10/22 8:42 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/10/22 8:42 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 2344 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
I just remind you that despite all the things that you described above, the YOU that experienced it is what is constant. That's the thing to build right now. Sure at some point it makes sense to do the not self stuff, but for now it can be good to marvel at how the self can persist throughout all the different mind states and sensations that happens. Your true self is very resilient!
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 12/10/22 10:00 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/10/22 9:45 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Hey Shargrol,
Thank you.

You mean it's better to construct a healthy sense of self and have that as an anchor point?
Normally I don't seem to find a me in the sensations related to this body-mind, and recently I often don't find it in others too. Often it looks like a bag of sensations. By that I mean, the idea of having a me in 'myself or others' looks totally meaningless, because I don't seem to be able to locate such a thing.


Your true self is very resilient!

This wasn't clear to me. can you elaborate a little more, please?
Thanks.
 
shargrol, modified 1 Year ago at 12/12/22 9:18 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/12/22 9:18 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Sorry, didn't mean to confuse. 

I think what I was pointing out is that sometimes (especially when life/practice gets dynamic) we can overlook that there is already a healthy sense of self. So no need to construct anything, but rather maybe appreciate how there is "a self that knows" which is always here. I only mention that because sometimes we can get so identified with ups and downs of life... or the ups and downs in our practice. But the-thing-that-noticies-up-and-down is unconstructed and already here. No matter how weird or challenging things get, there is a basic sanity that is always there.

I just wanted to point that out because I felt like you be getting overly focused on the details of what is happening in your life/practice. Over time, you'll see that all of the energies, tensions, releases, etc. are sort of like background music, interesting but not that important. Developing mindfulness is important -- of course -- but it's also important to practice just "letting go, by letting things be as they are". 

Hope this is helpful, definitely disregard if not!!
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Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 12/12/22 9:36 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Now I'm confused. My experience with this kind of chaos is that the less we rely on (believe in) a sense of self, the better we can handle the chaos. It is very often the sense of self that is destabilizing us, causing the ups and downs, wanting, demanding, fearing, hating, and so on.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 12/12/22 9:53 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/12/22 9:53 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thanks Shargrol and Chris.
Sure, it's helpful.

You are right, I've been focused on details more in the last few weeks, I think it was because, for some reason it seems that an energetic imbalance has happened. I don't know what has caused it, but one day I started having anxiety attacks, and since then the body has been in different kinds of discomfort. In the last two weeks after I started practicing with Damo Mitchell's videos, the anxiety is mostly gone, but there have been other side effects, which is pretty much like opiate withdrawal symptoms, and I don't understand what is causing it. I've been trying to ease the imbalance a little bit, because it creates problems in the work and daily life activities.
But I will try you suggestion, and see if it helps.

​​​​​​​Thank you.
 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 12/12/22 1:32 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Sunday, December 11, 2022, 7:59 AM

Yesterday I had an interesting dream, I was on a little boat with someone on a lake or ocean, it was near an oil field, and the guy was riding toward that, and I was afraid that the thing will pull us down under the water.
Today after several hours of good sleep, I woke up with pain and pressure in the head and neck. My bladder was full and for an hour I was resisting to get up, that seems to have created tension in the head. I took a shower, then did Damo’s tapping sequence exercise to direct the energy down. The headache is almost gone, but there is mild pain and tension in the neck.
Last night in bed, similar to previous times, before this recent energetic imbalance (which I don’t know what has causes it), I had a strong electric shock moving from the long toes upward, and that released energy and I fell asleep after that.
I got this idea from Damo, that instead of focusing intently on sensations, to listen to them gently without any intention, and I like that. It seems to be helpful in general.
Today there is itching in the energetic points.

9:05 PM
Today was comfortable. I didn’t have anxiety. The discomforts in the body were mild or absent sometimes, and the interaction with colleagues was enjoyable mostly.
When going to the office, I sat and practiced in the bus, using the anchoring breath instructions from Damo, and that had a calming effect.

Monday December 12, 2022, 7:22 AM

I had a good sleep tonight. Once I woke up sobbing, I think I woke up in the dream first and noticed that I am crying, then I heard myself sobbing and woke up. There were a few athletes, or champions, that were killed, and I was telling someone that this is so sad and unfair and I couldn’t stop myself crying. I noticed there is tears in the eyes after waking up.
Today there is a heavy sleepiness in the body.
Before going to bed at night I did some practice, though it was mostly sleepiness.
It took a little while to fall asleep, and there were lots of energy currents in the body as I was practicing. Today the head and neck are lighter, and the itching is gone.

10:37 PM
Today it was mostly comfortable. When going to work I could sit in the bus and practice anchoring the breath. There was mild pain and tension in the head and neck, in the afternoon it started becoming stronger, and I noticed I get impatient and sometimes angry with things, especially when coming home since the bus was crowded. At home, I did some practice, just relaxing and being aware, that made me sleepy and the headache became mild after that.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 12/16/22 7:59 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Tuesday December 13, 2022, 9:43 PM

It has been relatively comfortable today. No anxiety or any other difficult emotion. There has been a mild headache that keeps moving to different parts of the head. Now it’s in the forehead. There has been higher clarity in visual and somatic sensations, and they often feel satisfying. The mind is calm and quiet.

11:51 PM
I noticed this fact, and it became predominant in the experience, that in each moment, everything is in a relaxed state, and that’s the only state that it can be. Even the tensions in the body-mind, at this moment are not happening, everything that has caused the tension has already happened, and now the objects are done with it and are relaxed. Seeing the stillness aspect of the sensations.

Saturday December 17, 2022, 5:03 AM

These few days have been relatively comfortable. After a few years that I had not turned on the tv, I watched a few world-cup matches, mostly to see Messi’e art again, and it was good. Also yesterday I joined my colleagues and played some video game with them, and it was fun. I need to do more of these activities.

Something about my appetite has changed, I like to eat all kinds of things that I often don’t, don’t know if it’s related to the recent energetic changes, or it’s because a pregnant colleague sits next to me and I just absorb her feelings. Also a condition that I’ve had with my intestines for a long time was gone in the past week. I guess it’s temporary, but it’s strange. Probably it’s related to the same thing that has created strong on-going sexual energy, but who knows. The sexual energy is still strong, and often I have to exert effort to keep myself away from it and put a dam on it, not always successful.
Since yesterday I sometimes feel heat in the right side of the face. Today there has been strong pressure in the head, it turns to headache sometimes. After waking up there was the same pattern as previous weeks, listening to music and electric vibrations filling the body, but after that there was another kind of vibration in parts of the body, like it's connected to a vibrator. The pain that I had at the base of spine is gone, today there is a mild pain in the middle of it, almost 4 fingers above the navel. Often burning below the navel, and sometimes in the perineum that a few times turned into a pain.
My head feels very heavy and I can not relax it, but fuck it, who cares. 
shargrol, modified 1 Year ago at 12/17/22 6:26 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/17/22 6:25 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 2344 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
Siavash &amp;#39;

"in each moment, everything is in a relaxed state, and that’s the only state that it can be. Even the tensions in the body-mind, at this moment are not happening, everything that has caused the tension has already happened, and now the objects are done with it and are relaxed."


"fuck it, who cares."


Both of those are very advanced insights! emoticon emoticon emoticon
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 12/17/22 6:32 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Yeah, but I like the second one more : ))
shargrol, modified 1 Year ago at 12/17/22 7:32 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/17/22 7:32 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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true, it is the more advanced insight emoticon
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 12/18/22 2:15 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Saturday December 17, 2022, 4:21 PM

Yesterday there was higher energetic activity in the right side of the body, the heat in the face, pain in the rib cage and currents and vibrations. After going to bed, I tried to let the body relax, and sink down as much as it can with gravity. It was about to fall asleep that I noticed most of the right side turned into vibration, like it’s dissolving and melting. I don’t remember it happening like this before, also an interesting thing was that it was only on the right side, as if there is a separating line in the center of the body.
Oh, I had forgotten that the pain that I had in the middle of spine went away after some current arose above the navel. Before that there was a current below the throat center, it turned into coolness and it seems it initiated some changes.

7:15 PM
I notice that in being aware of the body (as a subset of the experience), often I don’t feel it as it is, because part of my intention is busy looking for some of that felt experience to go away, or anticipating another kind of experience to arise in the felt space. I find that being aware of the whole body doesn’t need any extra intension or directing of attention, at least for me. If I could step aside and leave the attention alone, it naturally rests on the felt space of the body.

Sunday December 18, 2022, 7:50 AM

Today I woke up with heavy sleepiness and a lot of discomfort in the fascia, the same feeling as if the skin is a few sizes smaller than what it should be. Although it was a torture to get up, but it’s very interesting. This is not something new, and I often have it once in a few weeks or even days, but with the changes that has happened to the intestines and the sexual energy, I wonder this may be the next stage for that. If that’s the case, then it can have important implications. I won’t go into more details of what I mean for now, but thing will get clearer. It still looks like a puzzle to me.

11:33 PM
Glad that it happened finally, and Messi got what he deserved. Now, it’s complete, and being complete is beautiful and satisfying.

Last night similar to the previous night in bed, I let the body relax, and similar energetics arose, but this time mostly in the left side of the body. Instead of head, this time is was mainly in the hips and abdomen that felt like melting and dissolving.
Today I ate twice as my normal day, but I felt hungry most of the day. This is another of the symptoms in this recent package, and it’s strange. Waiting to see what comes next.
Today the energy was mostly trapped in the neck, and for a few hours there was pain and constriction in the throat, then is disappeared.
I notice that recently I don't care much about how people will judge me, and that makes life a lot easier.

After over a year that I haven’t visited my family, I’ll go to my hometown on Thursday night. I wanted to write that I hope to get some rest, but let’s fuck any hope whatsoever. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 12/21/22 1:41 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Monday December 19, 2022, 8:17 PM

I had a very nice dream, it was night, snow falling, very relaxed and very beautiful snow. Though later another uncomfortable dream.
Fell asleep late and practiced in bed, trying to keep the body relaxed, when there was relaxation, the body would turn into vibrations. One very strong surge of electric shock from the toes and I fell asleep.
In the morning I got this idea from Damo, that instead of observing objects like the body or breath or externals, I observe myself, whatever that ‘myself’ means at each moment. I liked the idea and did it for a little while, then I forgot it until now.
There has been heat in the right side of the face and burning in the right side of the body.
The head has been tense and heavy today with constant headache.

9:46 PM
I did some calming and relaxing practice and ended it with stretching the body. Then I noticed that observing ‘myself’, basically is to observe, how in the stillness of the experience or space, the movements of attention and intentions, create movement in the experience, and these movements result in arising of the forms that make up the experience.
After doing the practice, the headache and the tension in the neck went away.
I notice that observing myself as a set of moving intentions and attention, increases the clarity, and makes me notice more sensations, with higher clarity, but without getting tense.

Tuesday December 20, 2022, 6:41 AM

I had a flying dream that interestingly it was based of fear. There was a 3-4 years old kid, and they were running toward me, like they wanted to hunt my soul, but I wanted to stay away from them, so I was running away by flying, but no matter how I tried, they could catch up and be in my sight. I wonder if it was me running away from me!
Reminder for the day: Just a bag of wandering intentions and attentional movements.

10:04 PM
Comfortable day. These days I experience higher confidence and I notice its effect on my work.
It struck me once in the bus that how much of my resources is used to observe other people, to see how they would react, or judge me, so that I get a positive or negative feeling about myself, especially with women, that if I get a positive reaction, I get a positive feeling about myself, and if the reaction is negative, then it can lean to different negative feelings, from confusion, uncertainty, sadness, anger and etc. Trying to satisfy my mothers expectations for so long seems to have had a deep effect. I’ve noticed this many times before, but there was a higher clarity with this one today. Then I started practicing that there is no world out there and no people other than me, it’s all my mental space with moving sensations in it. That neutralized everything, as if all judgments become irrelevant.

Wednesday December 21, 2022, 11:01 PM

It’s been a comfortable day. The mind has been feeling more collected. I woke up with flu symptoms, and later had headache and tension in the head, last several hours the headache has been severe, but that’s okay. Sometimes, or a lot of times, it feels like the sensations are lighter, or thiner, like made of paper, or like some arbitrary appearances, that can be replaced with other random sensations, like the faces that I see, or the images or felt sensations of the body, none of it are important or meaningful or solid.
While I was in the bus, again I noticed the poison in how I perceive people and my reactions to it. Not much energy to elaborate : ))
Tonight is the longest night of the year, and people here celebrate it. I feel its positive energy.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 12/22/22 11:02 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thursday December 22, 2022, 7:09 PM

For the next 8-9 days I’ll be traveling, so I don’t think that I’ll log anything, but I wanted to record this dream that I had this morning.

I was in the marketplace, don’t know it was here or my hometown, and I was looking to buy some bread. I say an old guy that has a restaurant around here, and he said I have high quality bread but it’s expensive. I asked him ti give me 10 breads. then I saw there is a giant liver there, on the fire, and he said it’s for sale. They were cutting pieces from it, but that didn’t change its shape. Then I saw a few other shops, butcher shops, and a guy had a cow in front of his shop, a giant cow that I couldn’t see its head, and he was busy killing that cow, but no matter how many times he stabbed it, it didn’t die and was struggling. Then I say its head and saw that it’s a young guy, but still I had the perception that he is a cow, he is a guy, or something, not clear, and still it was very big. The guy kept stabbing him and he was still alive. Then he brought a big sword and started hitting in his throat with that sword, then he became angry that it didn’t kill him, and started cutting of his head, but there was no effect, even there wasn’t any blood. I walked away, and while walking I was looking for a stick to defend myself in case someone attacks me. For some reason I climbed a wall that a guy was there, I guess he told me how should I climb there. Then he went down and I followed, but I noticed I can’t, and I should jump down. I did and each time I jumped down maybe 2-3 meters, then I saw dogs entering and running toward the marketplace, tens or hundreds of them, very big and wild, that I wasn’t sure if they are dogs or wolves. While I was in the shock about that, I saw and heard a childhood friend of mine, calling me and saying, siavash, let it go, let it go. I didn’t understand what he meant, but it hit me hard and I woke up.
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Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 12/23/22 8:09 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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That's fascinating, Siavash. I wonder what it is that's so hard to "kill"?

​​​​​​​When I have this kind of dream I try to take them as objects of meditation and sit with them, not trying to figure them out intellectually but letting the signal from the unconscious become knowable.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 12/23/22 1:13 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/23/22 1:13 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Hi Chris,
Thank you, that is an important point and message from the dream that I had not noticed its significance. I'll contemplate on that.
​​​​​​​
In the dream I didn't have any empathy for that guy-animal. It felt normal and okay for me, to see that he-it is supposed to be killed.
George S, modified 1 Year ago at 1/15/23 6:44 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 1/15/23 6:44 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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I though the liver was interesting as well ... it reminded me of of Jung's famous "Liverpool" dream!

Memories, Dreams and Reflections

The dream represented my situation at the time. I can still see the grayish-yellow raincoats, glistening with the wetness of the rain. Everything was extremely unpleasant, black and opaque – just as I felt then. But I had a vision of unearthly beauty, and that is why I was able to live at all. Liverpool is the “pool of life.” The “liver,” according to an old view, is the seat of life, that which makes to live.”
This dream brought with it a sense of finality. I saw that here the goal had been revealed. One could not go beyond the center. The center is the goal and everything is directed towards that center. Through this dream I understood that the self is a principle and archetype of orientation and meaning. Therein lies its healing function. For me, this insight signified an approach to the center and therefore to the goal. Out of it emerged a first inkling of my personal myth.
After this dream I gave up drawing or painting mandalas. The dream depicted the climax of the whole process of development.

I’m sorry to hear about your father.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 1/15/23 10:25 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thank you George.

And thanks for the Jung reference, I'll check it.
 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 1/5/23 4:05 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Sunday, January 1, 2023, 10:56 PM

For over a week I was in my hometown. Didn’t get as much rest as I wanted, but it was okay. My father is sick and it was a shock to see how much he has changed. He looks much older and weaker compared to the last time that I had seen him.
I had enough sleep for a week.

Last night it took a while to fall asleep and I had focused on the body. In a dream I noticed I am flying, but I thought that it was wakefulness because when hitting a wall, I could feel it in the body, and I thought I could enter the wall if it was a dream. Then I decided to test it, and I flew higher and saw an object that I had not seen before, but I wanted stronger proof, so I tried to go above the rooftop to see if I could see new people as proof of flying in wakefulness. I don’t remember what happened next, but I guess I entered a wall and noticed that it was a dream experience. For a while, I kept coming back to my bed, focusing on the body and moving and flying afterward.

Before leaving, it was 1-2 weeks that I was taking an anti-anxiety pill every day, but I stopped taking it in my hometown, and these two days I haven’t felt a need for that.

Tuesday, January 3, 2023, 10:58 PM

Today I overslept. The alarm app on my old tablet had not worked and I woke up 3 hours later than usual. I think I had dream experiences similar to the previous entry, I feel it, but I don’t remember any imagery.
When practicing in bed, sometimes images of creepy faces arise for a second. Last night I saw an image of my body that was lying down next to me as if the image of my body had shifted 10 inches to the right.
I remember two feelings, but I don’t remember which night they occurred. One was a coolness in my face and forehead, pretty much like a strong wind is blowing there, but pleasant, another was an intense sexual feeling in the lower body, an upward wind causing pleasure.

Wednesday, January 4, 2023, 11:38 PM

Last night it took longer to fall asleep, and I practiced longer in bed. There were intense electric shocks and vibrations in the head and most of the body. Again I feel that I had flying experiences, but I don’t remember the content. These few days I have this feeling that during the sleep/dreams, I was lighter, and could fly whenever I wanted.
There was an emotionally heavy dream, but I didn’t write it after waking up and I forgot it.

Friday, January 6, 2023, 12:03 AM

Today in the afternoon while working in the office, suddenly I noticed some unusual sensations in the body, then I felt my left ear become deaf for a few seconds, then there was a loud high pitch nada sound, and a feeling like hot and cold flash arose in the whole body. Then all of it subsided, and for a few minutes, there was a coolness in the whole body, like a mildly pleasant breeze surrounding the whole body. That passed away, then I became very sleepy, as if I had sleep deprivation for two days, and stayed more or less like that until night. Now there is sleepiness in the body, but not as it was before.
Today we had snow for the first time this year in this city, and it created some beautiful scenes and feelings, and interactions.
I am practicing saving money and not spending, and having equanimity when there is an urge to spend, and it creates a very satisfying mind-state, that although I know I can spend, but also I know that I can let the urge go and not spend, and that gives a sense of power and support like I have the power to choose, and the power to support myself beyond what I am used to.

I feel a sense of satisfaction in most of the body, except for the head and upper middle part of the chest.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 1/6/23 7:38 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Saturday, January 7, 2023, 2:01 AM

I feel that equanimity is the greatest power. Staying equanimous when the attention is leaning toward a desire. It’s the center, the place that there is no right or wrong, no right or left, no pleasant or unpleasant, no nothing. No intention, no preference. It’s very relaxing and liberating, that everything, all forms, beliefs, systems, intentions, appearances, places, people and objects, all are just some arbitrary deviations from the center. Not much difference between them, and if one is okay to not judge, I’d say from the perspective of the center, no difference between them. Difference itself is an arbitrary appearance.

While practicing in bed last night, there were energetics for a while. Two of them very intense that I remembered, one a movement of energy through genitals, feeling like very painful tickling, and another one, while my hand was of the left tight near pelvis, an energy current moved from that into my hands, and it was so strong that while I was falling asleep, my whole body jumped up.
I slept very well, and there are sickness symptoms today. It seems there will be another covid episode this winter.
While practicing now there was an intense energy movement in the throat center. It seems the releases have moved from the hands and feet to the center of the body. In my feet, it’s more of itching and burning now, than electric shocks. Oh, that heat in the right side of the face still arises sometimes.
I became very sleepy after starting to practice. There were circular violet lights/color expanding/contracting, and after that itching arose. Don’t know what state/stage there are exactly, but it’s one of the more common cyclic patterns for me.

The mind is very quiet now, and the body and attention move slowly, there is high clarity, but the body is very sleepy. Today there has been some boredom and despair, coming and going in the background.
The throat center is still doing something.

3:51 AM
I feel that by default, I don’t have much preferences anymore, compared to before. The conditions arise, and it creates a context, and then there could be a preference, and I really like that. In the last few weeks I intentionally tried to crush my identity or ego or whatever, and I kept pushing it to see what makes me really uncomfortable, so I did that. After some days I felt that I don’t care about a lot of people’s judgments anymore. That may change, who knows, but for now it feels good that I can stop caring.

4:58 AM
Did some more practice, gently. There were some energy currents and vibrations in the torso, some itching inside the chest, not on the skin. Then a strong pain below the base of spine. The sleepiness subsided, and there is pleasant coolness in the base of spine. The body-mind likes to just sit and do nothing, no movements or thoughts, but I have to sleep!​​​​​​​
Oh, I forgot. During this short sit there was an event similar to the one that I had in the office yesterday. A feeling in the left ear, then loud nada sound, and I guess the pain below the spine came after that. Now there is pleasant coolness in parts of the body.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 1/10/23 1:36 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Saturday, January 7, 2023, 9:21 PM

Been feeling very sad today. For a few hours I was trying to connect to the internet, probably that was a trigger, but after I connected partially, the sadness and despair remained and became predominant.

Sunday, January 8, 2023, 12:17 AM

I had almost fallen asleep that I heard a fly or bee flying beside my ear, and I felt an intense energetic vibration in the left side of my face, that felt like something moved out of it. It felt to me that the bee flew out of it. Earlier there was coolness in the body especially in the pelvis, like parts of are inside cool water. Now that I wrote this, I feel similar feeling again in the left thigh.
While my hand was one the base of thighs, similar to before I felt a strong surge of energy moved from there into my left hand, but this time I could stay equanimous and detect it earlier and not move the body.
A few times there was increase in the clarity, that I felt the whole body at the same time with higher clarity, and my lips were under the blanket, but I didn’t have the image of the blanket, and felt the sensations ‘above’ the lips with high clarity. I had this with another part of the body too, that I felt a pain above that part ‘outside’ of the body. There is no meaning to the inside and outside, but, whatever.

10:46 PM
I had a dream today that I was prisoned by a guy that was a secret service agent, but for another country. I knew that they will kill me in 1-2 hours. I was telling him that I know what you are doing, but I was trying to make him talk and distract him but telling that there are better options than killing me, so that I could find a way to run, but he took his gun and put it on my head, and I woke up.
Today there is a lot of itching and burning in the body. I like to do some seated practice, but there is not much time and I am very tired.

11:27 PM
I did 30 minutes of practice, but it was mostly sleepiness. Today I slept well but I’ve been sleepy. The mind wants to focus with high intensity to get higher clarity, and that creates some tension.

Tuesday, January 10, 2023, 12:31 AM

I did a short sit focused on the body. There was some pleasant sensations like coolness/breeze and sexual feelings, and energy currents at the base of spine and an intense pain in the left hip that sent a hot flash to the whole body. IT was a new kind. Also some creepy images, like an old guy that was running inside a crowded bus, a beggar woman that was crawling, and young woman being chased by unknown people.
The murk had more depth like previous days.

Last few nights when practicing in bed, similar to the event that I had in office some days ago, there is a moment that some energetics arise, including sensations in the left ear, then clarity in the body increases, and I feel the whole body much clearer.

10:33 PM
Last night I had many dreams, some strange, some interesting, some pleasant. I was running, then falling down from building, buildings were falling down, that they were full of art work. I had an argument with a relative, that I said some harsh words to them, and said that you don’t deserve my respect, while I was about to cry, because I had remembered that she was not kind to me when I was working in their house as a child. I saw some neighbors in my hometown came to visit my father because of his sickness, that those neighbors are dead now. In the last part I was in nature in my hometown, in a very beautiful morning with some colleagues. They said that two shepherd dogs are behind me and about to attack me, but I didn’t care and kept walking and enjoying nature. This is a new reaction to dogs in my dreams.

Today enough sleep, but I overslept, and I’ve been very sleepy all day long, with discomfort of sleepiness in the whole body.
I did a little practice in the bus tonight, focused on the murk, and it quickly became spacious, and the space expanded with a sense of depth in it.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 1/14/23 4:51 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Wednesday, January 11, 2023, 11:43 PM

Today I still feel very sleepy since morning.
It’s 2-3 days that sometimes I get anxiety type symptoms in the body, especially during our daily meetings, or when I am in the bus, which both have a shared characteristic of waiting. Sometimes there is restlessness in the body with that, today in the bus it became quite intense.
I did two sits tonight, and it was mostly sleepiness. I try to maintain mindfulness during activities, but I keep forgetting.

Friday, January 13, 2023, 5:21 AM

Still very sleepy all the time. Today I get some strange sensations when focusing. New kinds of coolness in the body, new kinds of sexual feelings, and sense of movement in the space, like the space in front of me moves for a moment, or the body image moves. I attempted to do a few sits, and it was just sleepiness and falling asleep.

Saturday, January 14, 2023, 5:58 AM

A difficult day. Lots of unpleasant emotions, then I noticed an urge for music, I played a favorite, and there was some joyous feelings with vibrations in the body, then I started feeling suffering, that felt like suffering of beings that suffer, and there was crying for some minutes. It passed and left a little lightness for a while, then more unpleasant emotions came. Sadness, despair, boredom, restlessness.
I did some practice, still the sleepiness is predominant, but in one sit before I become too sleepy, there were some interesting sensations. First a kind of tickling in genitals, both pleasant and uncomfortable, then it spread to other parts, mostly to the right side of the body. There was a nice coolness all the time before becoming sleepy, and a few times feeling like part of the body is inside a cool water, and vibrations feeling like a silk cloth touch, while dissolving. Also some heat. Similar to the recent days, there is a moment that after that there is a noticeable increase in the clarity, especially with the body.
Last night for some time I was feeling a pristine sense of satisfaction, which is different from equanimity and contentment, it has a joyous tone, and it become kind of intense sometimes, as if I can not stand it, or I should do something to let its energy out. When listening to music today, I had similar feeling, and now that I remembered the music, it arose again, and I noticed that I can summon it (only if I could remember to do that!).
I wonder what a lonely wolf feels, when walking in a wonderland, in the night, all covered by snow. There is only snow, the moon, the wolf and silence.

This is interesting about how this body-mind is operating. I can intentionally go to  contentment, silence and equanimity, but I can not go to joy. Probably partially because I haven’t learn how to celebrate. I had not learned gratitude also. Only in recent years I’ve tried to learn it and be mindful of it. Though it’s not always equanimity or contentment. When there is emotionality, it quiets the mind, but the somatic components of the emotion remain in the body.
With the first one, all it takes is to incline the mind toward silence, or space, or no-thing-ness or the dimensionless point, but with joy, I don’t know what should I direct the mind to.
I need to set intention to get health back to this body. I need to be healthy again.

9:42 PM
Many dreams. In the middle of a flying dream I woke up, and noticed that when I incline the mind toward wakefulness/ (or the room and environment that I perceive wakefulness as that space), I lose the ability of flying. I wanted to continue the dream and the movements, so for a while I played with keeping the mind in a space between asleep and wakefulness, but gradually I became more aware of the room and the physical body, so the flying turned into just movement inside the room, and after a little while I became more aware and lost the ability to move/glide. Oh, remembered now, in one dream there was snow and I was gliding on it joyfully.  I hope to get enough snow to do that these days.
In the dream before waking up, I had gone to buy something to my father I guess, maybe a medicine, I don’t know. When I came back home, I noticed he has died. My sister told me, your father doesn’t ask you anything anymore, he doesn’t tell you anything anymore, he don’t say anything anymore. It meant that you are relieved now. I started to cry, but there was no tear in my eyes, and that annoyed me. They said it's okay, why are you crying, which annoyed me more.

He has cancer, but he doesn’t know that. There isn’t agreement in the family about telling it to him. I prefer him to know that, but he won’t handle it well, and he is very weak. The doctors have prescribed chemo therapy, then surgery, all of it in another city 100 miles away, but I think he’ll die while doing those horrific things, having asthma and other conditions, and he wouldn’t agree to do that. I’d prefer to live whatever I’ve left, that going through that hardship, only to have a little bit more misery. 

-- Edit:
Sunday, January 15, 2023, 1:13 AM

The last two days were very difficult emotionally, but interestingly enough, after I took a shower now, they are mostly gone and I feel much better. Simple changes, bigger results, which reminds how unimportant everything is. It's insanity to assume to know how things will be.

-- Edit 2:
2:20 AM
It could be that a shift has happened. The sleepiness is mostly gone, and I don't feel cold anymore. The body temperature has risen.
 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago at 1/14/23 12:33 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 1/14/23 12:33 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Very sorry to hear about your father and your family situation. It sounds really tough. Wishing you the best. 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 1/14/23 12:39 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 1/14/23 12:39 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Thank you Linda.
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Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 1/16/23 8:34 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 1/16/23 8:34 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 5117 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
So sorry about your father, Siavash.

I have a similar situation in my family. A close relative was diagnosed with glioblastoma, a very fast-growing, invariably fatal form of brain cancer, on November 22nd. This person underwent brain surgery a few days later and is now in radiation and chemotherapy. These treatments do not sit well with this person and so we're considering whether or not to continue. These are quality-of-life decisions, very difficult situations that we can't manage, only accommodate as they progress.

I'll be thinking of you, your family, and your father. May you find peace and courage as you face this painful situation.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 1/16/23 1:32 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 1/16/23 1:32 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Thank you Chris.

Yes, it's a difficult situation. The rest of the family have decided not to tell him about the cancer, and they have only told him that it needs surgery, but it's a difficult surgery only if the doctors decide that his body is capable of taking it, and he says he doesn't want to do that.
It's in the rectum, and that makes it difficult for him, since he keeps bleeding, but I think it would be much difficult to do chemo and surgery.
Yes, it's a big lesson, and it can only be learned in situations like these, that sometimes we can't do anything, but let the person suffer and suffer with them.
​​​​​​​Thanks.
 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 1/17/23 2:46 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 1/17/23 2:37 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Sunday, January 15, 2023, 10:50 PM

Wow, what a day! Snow started coming around 8:30 morning, and it continued until night. Everywhere was covered by snow, very beautiful. Although I couldn’t find a good place to glide, I did a little bit, and later all of us in the office went outside and played with snow, what is called in English? Building snowballs and hitting each other. It was such a good release of energy. I am so grateful for all of it.
Although I couldn’t sleep last night, today I didn’t feel sleepy at all, and the body temperature was higher.

Now I feel the thing that I described as a kind of intense satisfaction like I want to do something to let its energy out. It’s similar to the feeling that I’d have in childhood in the new year, actually the first day of the new year, especially around the time that the previous cycle ends and the new one begins, like life emerges as softness and lightness and aliveness and green-ness, and expansion, that there is no difficulty, no problems, no friction, all smooth and gentle and soft and kind and shiny. Life.
Adults don’t know what a child feels, and most adults don’t remember how they felt when they were children.
I resolve to remember to use this feeling as an object for practice.

Tuesday, January 17, 2023, 12:44 AM

I had forgotten to write this. The night before last night in bed, once there was a moment that looked like the space in front of me became lit then became dark, as if you turn on the lights and quickly turn them off. Last night a lot of vibrations like dissolving. I think some flying dreams and practice in dreams that I have forgotten. The sleepiness was gone today, then it came back in the afternoon, but toward the night it disappeared. Higher confidence today. Feeling of satisfaction in the body, or maybe better to say that the body feels satisfying. As the sleepiness was gone and the body felt more pleasant, there was a sexual tone in the feelings, especially in the body.

10:39 AM
I overslept, it seems that the alarm app had problem again. I intended to keep the body relaxed as much as I could, and that seems to have created some new movements. Once I woke up and noticed that something shook the body. It felt like an earthquake, and while I got worried about an earthquake, I noticed it happening again and again, so it became clear that it was the energetics. I don’t remember if it was after that, or if another one woke me up, that I noticed a movement of energetics down to the lower body as if an orgasm happened inside the body (This happens most days recently, but not with this intensity), then there was pressure in my neck, head, and hands, mixed with vibrations, and I noticed that surges of energy are moving along the spine. That continued for around half an hour, there was a very strong one, that started at the base of the spine and moved both upward and downward like cool pleasant water moving there. It was the first time I think that I had something like this. There was the feeling of cool ice-water in the energetic centers, Now writing it, it arose in the legs.

11:44 PM
I was very sleepy again today, until in the evening that sleepiness mostly vanished, and some tranquility and contentment arose in the body, that later had a sexual tone.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 1/19/23 9:11 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 1/19/23 9:11 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Thursday, January 19, 2023, 2:44 AM

Relaxed the body in bed, intense energetics, some painful, then fell asleep. In a dream I was moving inside the room, trying to go out, but had difficulty, there wasn’t enough movement, then I noticed something pushed me out of the building. Before that I think, once there was intense sexual pleasure, like an upward wind was rubbing the body, that I think I woke up and noticed the body/bed, because I got worried of having an orgasm. I forgot the first part, but after some flying, I landed in a big house, there was only a young boy inside, playing with TV or a computer, and I was hungry, I asked him to bring something, and I started to find something for eat. I wasn’t careful with things and was breaking things, as if this place didn’t belong to anyone. Then I found myself having a stick in my hand, wanting to hit that boy, and I saw that he became sylvester stallone, but he was very small. I didn’t, and continued exploring the house. Then his father came and I went out, he told his father that it’s …, a name, that I forgot, that referred to me, and his father became angry at him, that I had told you he should never come here. He had something like an axe in his hand that wanted to kill me with that.
I continued flying, and got pulled into a new space. Upon entering it I felt it on my skin, because it was sunny and the warmth of sunlight on the skin felt very pleasant. Also there was a wind that moved me in the air, and I was enjoying the movement and sunlight, it felt very relaxing, and I felt relieved and satisfied, since I didn’t have to intend to move, I lad just lain there in the air and was moved by the wind. A force was pulling me upward, and I wanted to land to buy something but I couldn’t get to the ground. I had grabbed something like an imaginary stick that was going out from my abdomen, like a column, first with one hand, then with both hands, and with that, I was hanging from the space and the force was pulling me up. I’ve forgotten most of the details. An intense energy surge and beating in the perineum woke the body up partially, then as if a cassette player that was working stopped, suddenly all movements stopped, and I was back, tried to induce movements, but the space had shifted. For a minute, I was disoriented, because it was night, but the dream took place in the morning with the sunlight, and I had lost the sense of time and space. It was so clear and clean, that was a refreshment in feelings. I was in bed for less than 1.5 hours, but it felt like 10 hours. Now there is the violet lights in the vision, expanding and contracting.

Yesterday I was very sleepy all the time, let’s see if this event changes that or not.

10:23 PM
Today I felt very sleepy, especially in the afternoon that I had a lot of difficulty to keep my eyes open, and I had to come home earlier. There was heat in the upper body, like the upper back is beside a heater. After coming home, its intensity decreased to some extent.
It feels like a new rewiring is happening in the body-mind. This kind of sleepiness for an extended period is somewhat unusual, also there is a new kind of energetic activity in the body. The vibrations have a feeling tone like dissolving, silky and soft, and sometimes pleasant ones occur more than painful ones, there is more sexual tone in the energetics, and more energy currents in the pelvis and lower abdomen.

Friday, January 20, 2023, 6:20 AM

Did a sit, focused on the body and the murk. The main thing that I could do was to keep myself awake, for a few second a very nice coolness arose pervading the body, then I became sleepy.  Then I tried noting see hear feel for some minutes, but I noticed I don’t have clarity and concentration. Did fire kasina then, to help with concentration, but I only got more sleepiness and falling asleep, everything was murky.
Later I sat to practice and fell asleep, and woke up now.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 1/21/23 1:54 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 1/21/23 1:03 PM

Siavash's Log 9 - Remedy for indecisiveness?

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Any remedy for indecisiveness?

I always have difficulty sticking to plans. I have too many interests, and always see too many options, that it becomes a big challenge to decide, and after I decide, the other options come to mind, and often I let go of the previous plan, or even forget it completely. And I get too much damage from this.
I'd really like to be able to stick to a plan, however good or bad that plan is. And this applies to all aspects of my life.

Does anyone have any practical suggestion?
Thanks.
shargrol, modified 1 Year ago at 1/22/23 6:21 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 1/22/23 6:21 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 2344 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
 First, it is important to see how even though you don't want indecisiveness... you actually do (unconsciously) otherwise you wouldn't have developed this pattern/habit! Being indecisive must give you something. It's very important to understand that all bad habits seem to give us something "good" in the short term, even though bad habits give us more suffering, lost energy, lost time in the long term.

I suspect your indecisiveness is is a clever way of avoiding doing what needs to be done. Being indecisiveness is a clever trance or spell that we fall into where we get to "have a problem" and  "think about it"... yet never "do it". So it is a clever way to avoid doing... and a clever way of avoiding being wrong, because if we never do anything then we can never do anything wrong! So it is a way to avoid and protect ourself... but it also means we never live our life in a clear and direct and heartfelt way.

The opposite of indecisiveness is "just doing what needs to be done". One practical suggestion is to never just "think about a problem" without being focused on determining "what is the next smallest thing I can do in this situation?"  The difference in indecisiveness and action is DOING THE NEXT SMALLEST THING. Nothing big ever gets accomplished in this world through a big action, it is always accomplished through many small actions.

Simply keep doing the next smallest thing.

I'll bet you will find that you make much more progress doing the next smallest thing and the next smallest thing and the next smallest thing, etc. Rather than figuring out how to solve the entire problem before starting. Another way to say it is "be brave, walk slowly INTO the problem, and learn by doing".

At some point, you will feel resistance --- a resistance that seems larger than doing the next smallest thing, even though the next smallest thing is small. That is a sign that the bad habit is putting you in a trance. It probably is a form of emotional flashback --- a feeling without a mental image. It will feel familiar, but if you are very clear-minded you will notice that it really is a memory or something from the past, not something related to what is going on right now. The hard thing is that it will FEEL like it is related to the current situation, which is why these emotional flashbacks can be so tricky. So when you feel a wall of resistance, it is important to notice when this happens, label it as an emotional flashback, and gently wonder "what am I afraid of? what am I trying to protect? what am I trying to avoid?"... and then do the next smallest thing with mindfulness. It will probably feel like you are going to die. But what is going to die is the bad habit itself, and the bad habit is making you feel like you are going to die to stop you from overcoming a bad habit. emoticon All bad habits work this way. But you are NOT going to die. Actually, what will probably happen is you will have some fears arise in your mind, you see what you are trying to protect, you will see what you are trying to avoid and you'll realize... it is actually no big deal. It's only a big deal because of the feeling, not because the fear is real. It is an emotional flashback.

It is also possible that you will feel sleepy afterwards. This happens a lot when we are breaking through our old habits... but be careful of going unconscious, so to speak. Sometimes the habit will try to make us forget about what just happened. It doesn't want us to remember that we just faced our fears and kept going! So too much sleepiness is probably avoidance. This is a very tricky balance. Basically, a healthy day has some periods of mental activity, some periods of physical activity/exercise, and of course some well deserved rest. So "no work, no bite, no sleep" is a good rule. emoticon

The other thing that can happen is the "battle over the fear" or the "battle against the bad habit" can become more important than doing the next smallest thing. This is where we waste time and energy creating an identity around "the battle" as a way to avoid doing the actual next smallest thing. It is a distraction. We come up with lots of strategies, lots of analysis, etc. but we become unclear about what really is the next smallest thing. Sometimes this is because we are afraid of the feeling of "I don't know what to do". But that's just another feeling, not a big problem. If we don't know what to do we need to ask questions, do research, and/or try something and see what happens. But many times we'll just make movies in our mind with ourself as the hero and imagine what a battle over fear would be like. Or we make a movie in our mind and imagine what a battle against the bad habit would be like. And we spend time imagining how great our life will be when we finally overcome the bad habit.... But this "battle identity" is another way of creating a mental "heroic identity" that is just a fantasy. It's another way to avoid doing the next smallest thing.

When you finally overcome the fears and the temptation to just "think about" the problem and you simply do the next smallest thing... it can be humbling. Doing the next smallest thing reveals that the fears were kind of insane. Doing the next smallest thing reveals that protecting yourself is kind of childish. Doing the next smallest thing reveals that all the "thinking about it" was clearly a way to avoid doing something. Doing the next smallest thing reveals that the heroic identity was just a fantasy. So in the end, we are happy that we are back on track but we also don't get a big ego about it. We're just doing the next smallest thing that needs to be done. 

So whenever we have a big challenge, get very suspicious. A lot of the time "big challenges" are actually a way to avoid identifying and doing the next smallest thing. 

The funny thing is it always feels humbling and childish when we breakthrough bad habits and become independent and clear minded. That's why "sane" people don't brag about being sane. It would be sort of like bragging "I used to hit myself in the face, but I don't do that anymore." emoticon  But that's the nature of being a human with a human mind. No matter how independent and clear minded we become, there are always more subtle resistances and bad habits that can be discovered. But it is possible to get good at "doing the next smallest thing" and have that become the new habit.

Hope this is helpful in some way. As you can probably tell, I struggled a lot with avoidance and indecision and "making heroic movies about a future where I won the battle".  But it is all about smallness and directness: doing the next smallest thing.

As the saying goes,
​​​​​​​"A journey of a thousand miles
Begins beneath the feet"








 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 1/22/23 1:29 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 1/22/23 1:29 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Thank you Shargrol,
I appreciate it that you wrote all these helpful points. Very helpful indeed.

It’s so interesting how I (or we?) forget things. Part of the points that you mentioned, not thinking about the problem, just starting, doing the next smallest thing…, these were the conclusions that I had previously several times, and even I’ve recorded them here in these logs, but none of it occurred to me at all! I am sure if someone else had asked me for a suggestion for their similar issue, I’d remember them, but when it comes to myself, I don’t. I guess it’s called ignorance, and getting lost emoticon .

You are right. The indecisiveness has a function. I think it protects me from taking responsibility, and also from being wrong, as you said.

Yes, I recognize the “battle against the bad habit” thing over and over again in my experience. Such a waste of time and energy. Lack of seeing clearly. I think the term vipassana applies very well here, as its meaning, stop and see, is the exact thing that I lack or forget. The mere act of stopping, and questioning, often changes the situation. At least for me I’ve noticed that asking the questions you mentioned, why am I afraid, what am I protecting, often dissolves the problem.

Yes, sleepiness, tiredness. I feel it a lot, that when my mind goes toward a situation that I need to work on, I feel very tired immediately. The crazy amount of sleepiness that I’ve had in recent weeks, probably is related to this, at least partially.

With certain things, I notice that I keep myself in the thinking loop and not doing anything, but with other things, since I don’t trust my plans, I make one plan, do it partially for a little while, then make another one, and let go of the first one, and continue this for a while, until I get frustrated and let go of the whole thing, losing trust in myself even more than before.

Very good point about “the big challenge can be just a sign of avoiding the small step”. I’ve noticed this a lot, and need to keep reminding it to myself.

And yes, making mind movies about winning the big battle in the future, is one of the things that I’ve noticed makes it possible to take big losses and damages, and not notice how bad it is. The relief of fantasizing about the big win, blinds us to the reality of this moment.

Thank you again, this was very helpful.

P.S. I loved adding “no sleep” to the “no work, no bite” emoticon .
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 2/5/23 1:15 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 2/5/23 1:15 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Saturday, January 21, 2023, 6:00 AM

Had a good sleep. I haven’t had that much sleepiness today, but it arose again in the last hour.

It feel like some developmental cycle is getting completed, or is progressing. I say that based on my fear and impulsive behaviors. I notice that my relationship to money has improved. I used to spend money on a lot of things that I actually didn’t need them, or they were not necessary, or I had done it mainly based on fear, that what would happen if I didn’t have x or y. For many years, I’ve always had chocolates, cookies, biscuits in the house, mainly or partly out of the fear of not making food. In order to better manage money, I tried to stop buying that, and it’s over a week that I don’t feel a discomfort when having the urge to buy, or having the urge to eat. But I should be careful with other areas, because I have this tendency to not keep money for myself, so if I don’t spend it for one thing, the mind will find another area to waste it.

I did a sit focused on the body and the murk. There was higher spaciousness in the visual field, and feelings of coolness and dissolving in the body, then sleepiness.

I realize that over the years, most of my adult life, I’ve never had any life goals, and as a result, there was nothing to build a structure around it and for gaining it. When introducing a goal, even a small one, structures get a chance to be built around it.
There are reason why there wasn’t any goal, but that’s another subject.

Sunday, January 22, 2023, 7:54 AM

It took a while to fall asleep, and I focused on the body. A few energetic pains at first, then lots of mildly pleasant vibrations, coolness, tingling and sexual feelings and energy currents, then a shooting pain from the genitals up to the spine, and all of it settles down. Later there was a sudden increase of clarity, with once a white light the arose for a moment and filled the murk, then violet and purple lights, and the body filled with tingling. I wasn’t fully asleep that I noticed I am moving/gliding, then I rose in the air and moved toward the walls, but I felt a subtle worry that I wouldn't be able to cross the walls, and that stopped the movement. I guess I continued after that and went outside, but I don’t remember.
The body temperature is very high after getting up.

Sunday, January 22, 2023, 11:12 PM

I don’t know if this is temporary or something has shifted. Previously when practicing in bed or in reclining posture that the body is more relaxed, I’d have mostly energetic pains, but these recent days, although there are painful ones, but most of it are pleasant or neutral sensations, and similar to that in daily activities, if I pay attention to the body, some pleasant sensations arise, mostly a mix of tingling, dissolving, coolness and sexual feelings.

Thursday, January 26, 2023, 11:33 PM

Last night in bed the energetics were quite intense, and mostly of a new kind. The tickling that arises in some places, had spread to the whole body, feeling like it’s in the bones, uncomfortable, but with slightly sexual tone. Also a kind of restlessness in the body, that later went into the heart.
I woke up a little late, and I was very sleepy today, especially in the afternoon that I was almost falling asleep for a couple hours, and despite that, there was high energetic activity in the body, lots of energy currents, and the body kept startling, my arms and legs jumping. I was trying hard to not let the movements become too visible. Later all energetics disappeared, but the sleepiness remains.
I had one or a few dreams in the last few nights that felt very important to me, but I’ve forgotten it completely.
Tonight I am in a low mood.

Tuesday, January 31, 2023, 7:41 AM

Last night in bed, similar to the previous nights, lots of intense energetics in the body, and lots of coolness feeling. It literally feels like part of the body is in touch with cool water, pleasantly, and last night after falling asleep, once I woke up and noticed that I repeatedly focus on my legs, to kind of induce this feeling, and it arises with vibrations in the tissue, and a feeling in the bones as if an energy pushes them upward, I guess. There were strong energy currents a long the spine and the central line, that spread pain to the whole body, with some pleasant sensations along with that.

11:48 PM
Today I was very sleepy most of the day, but there was lots of energy currents in the body, that sometimes created involuntary movements while I was in the office. This is a new level of energetic activity mixed with sleepiness, I haven’t had anything like this before. And there is much higher activity around the base of spine. I was careful to not pay much attention to the body, or keep attention steady on an object, because it would induce energy and as a result, movements in the body.

Thursday, February 2, 2023, 12:08 AM

Last night I fell asleep relatively quickly. There was energetic activity similar to the previous nights. Lots of energy currents that spread pain to the whole body, and I had to focus on the whole body and space to decrease the intensity. A sharp burning in the solar plexus and a strong pain in the left achilles tendon. There was a very enjoyable flying dream, that I was flying like a bird, using my arms as wings. Before that I woke up because there was sexual pleasure in the body that was very strong, and I was surprised how the body could tolerate that kind of pleasure and not have orgasm, I’ve never experienced such feelings in wakefulness. While flying, I came back to bed a few times, and started moving again by focusing on vibrations, until I lost the fuel.

Today, similar to yesterday I was very sleepy, but with lots of energy currents in the body that caused involuntary movements.
I find that there are much more pleasurable sensations in the body compared to before, and more important than that, is that I can intend to have them, which makes it to arise, or intend to see something as pleasurable. It seems that the body is waking up to some new kinds of pleasures that I haven’t experienced before.

Saturday, February 4, 2023, 3:23 PM

The night before last night I sat to do some practice, but similar to the last weeks I just fell asleep, and was asleep mostly for several hours, so after waking up I didn’t go to bed until last night. That became a good thing, because I got up in the morning today, which rarely happens for me on weekends. Last night in bed energetics were quite active, until a very intense one arose in the middle of the spine, and the body jumped up wildly, and I fell asleep some minutes after that. Once I woke up with a pain in the perineum.

Sunday, February 5, 2023, 10:39 PM

Today there was the same mix of sleepiness and energy currents, but less intense than previous days.
These two days there was lots of unpleasant emotions, and today there was high tension in the body. Later when coming home it turned into anger and frustration, then while walking home, accidentally I saw that it’s full moon, and that could be an explanation, same old pattern!
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Siavash ', modified 1 Year ago at 2/13/23 1:23 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 2/13/23 1:23 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Tuesday, February 7, 2023, 11:16 PM

Similar to previous nights, last night in bed it was a mix of intense energetic activity with emotionally heavy dreams. I don’t remember the dreams, but I think it was related to the family. During the day, a mix of sleepiness with energy currents and feelings of dissolving in the body. The energetics were mostly pleasant (except for some of them around the lower abdomen), but because of its intensity it was uncomfortable and created involuntary movements and jerking in the body.

Saturday, February 11, 2023, 5:19 AM

Like previous weekends, last night I tried to do sitting practice, but I just fell asleep. In bed, I fell asleep quickly, and once woke up with a strong energy current around the perineum. Had some dreams that felt quite emotional, but I’ve forgotten. I guess it was in my parents house. I keep having dreams that occur there, but it seems that my father is absent in the dreams, or I don’t remember seeing him after I wake up. His condition has not improved, and he has lost the ability to walk, which creates a lot of difficulty for the rest of the family, and a lot of times I find myself thinking about that, and about the situation when he dies, and how that changes the image that I’ve had from the family and home all my life.

8:35 AM
I sat to do some practice and fell asleep for the next few hours.

Sunday, February 12, 2023, 12:53 AM

It took longer to fall asleep and I practiced focusing on the body. There was relatively less energetics compared to before, but after a few intense ones arose (a few painful, then one or two pleasant), there was a feeling tone in the whole body that was very interesting. I don’t know how to describe it, but it was a mix of coolness, as if there is a cool breeze, also coolness as if you are inside a cool water, also coolness as if you are drinking a cool water, but not feeling it just in the mouth, but in the whole body, and a feeling like thirst felt in most of the body. The coolness feelings were stronger in parts of the body, I guess around the pelvis.

Monday, February 13, 2023, 7:28 AM

I had an interesting flying dream. I was in a place that seemed to be my hometown, in a park, or above a park in the sky, and some people started to annoy me, or maybe they started shooting me, or there was a jet that started shooting me, so I decided to fly higher and get away from there. And I did, but while moving in the sky, I woke up, and got into doubt, and that created friction, and a little later I lost the scene and I was back in my bed with some random lights vibrating in the murk. Before that, I wanted to get to a certain point in the town that I thought it had some historical places. After waking up, first I thought that it’s gone, and let’s go back to sleep, but then I thought let’s try and see what happens, and I focused on vibrations, but I fell asleep, and started having the rest of the dream, as if I had gotten to that place, but it was different than what I had anticipated. I was still flying, the building didn’t have any doors, and only had some openings and I got through them by flying, there was someone else with me, I didn’t know how he moved. The place was very beautiful, with photo realistic details. The next scene, I was sitting near the ceiling in a big hall in that building, and the guy that was with me, was 10-20 yards lower than me on the ground. I thought I am a being from god-realms and he is a demonic being. Or at least I pretended to be from the god-realms because of the fear of his demonic energy. I ordered him to come closer, and tell me what he has. He had a dress like the ancient roman or greek maybe. As he started getting closer, I noticed more of his demonic energy, and noticed that he wants to attack or destroy me, so it turned into a fight. It was relatively dark in that scene, I grabbed him, and tried as hard as I could to sent energy to his body with my palms, thinking that I am sending him heat, that should melt him, and I woke up at that point and noticed heat in my hands, pelvis, and back along the spine. The next scene it became bright, and I saw that I had turned him into a stone statue, and I was thinking about where should I put him that I woke up to my room. Opened my eyes and saw that there are intricate shapes near the ceiling, moving and vibrating with lights and shadows around them. I think these are the shapes that turn into buildings in the dreams. Previous times that I had similar experiences after waking up, I wasn't fully awake, so the murk was bigger with these shapes in it. But this time I was fully awake, and the murk stayed like that for some good minutes. I noticed that I could keep the shapes and the larger murk space, by focusing on it, so I did for a while, until I got tired and let go and fell asleep again.
I feel very sleepy and cold today. Probably after the high of the dream, come a low.

10:44 PM
I forgot to write this. Yesterday there was snow falling the whole day, so there was around 10 inches of snow on the ground. In the afternoon we went to snowball fighting with colleagues, and it was very good. Then when practicing in bed, I kept seeing images of colleagues throwing snowball at me, or seeing images of snowball reaching to my face, and some of it actually hit my face, and I felt it clearly in my face, and that startled the body. And I think I’ve forgotten part of the flying dream, I think in one part, I was playing with manifesting things, manifesting scenes and objects.
​​​​​​​For a few hours in the office, I was very sleepy, and I perceived the relationships between objects with very different contents. Like the relationship is relatively the same, but the content is replaced. For example, I had deleted a record from a table, but a small data was left undeleted. It appeared to me that I have killed a guy, and now his young girl is left without anyone to support her!
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Siavash ', modified 9 Months ago at 6/30/23 1:54 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Friday, June 30, 2023, 9:58 PM

Finally there is a motivation to write a few words.
Just listening to music right now, and enjoying it. Sometimes the enjoyment is so strong, and clean that I feel I can not tolerate it, the body keeps moving with it, but still sometimes it feels heavy, and then there is just music.

It’s been a while that I have a new level of energetic activity in the body. Last night I practiced for a while in bed, and it had become way more intense than usual. I guess a lot of knots opened just last night. The previous night I had a lot of flying in the dream, and also I had a dream that was very interesting.

My father passed away over 3 months ago, and since then he has not been present in my dreams except for one short episode. This dream, I saw that I was in my parents house, then I left, and I was thinking how my mother will do while I left her alone, but then I thought she would be okay, and if she is not, I can’t do anything for them, I should leave and let them be, and go to my own house. It was meaningful, because that night I had a meeting with a professional that had a background in psychology and other related areas, and we went a little deep into my feelings of insecurity. So I think it was a turning point, or beginning of it, that I decided to leave my mother too in the dream. Still the insecurity causes trouble, but it's much better recently.
Although my father’s death has been difficult emotionally, but I had accepted that for months before it happens, and the last time that I visited him, I knew that it's our last visit, and haven't had much challenge with it, and since then I feel freer, but missing him everyday.

I guess there have been other developments too, that in general I feel free from a lot of the issues that kept bothering me before. I feel that it’s time for resting and enjoying life. I guess a lot of time there is no heavy emotions, and when one comes, I can deal with it easier than before, or transform it.

I guess, it takes a long time to understand and notice that a lot of suffering is unnecessary, but once understood..., I guess no going back.

I’ve decided to not spend my resources for helping anyone, and give higher priority for myself (unless there is a real urgent case), and I feel good about that. For years I’ve lived with this urgent feeling of responsibility for others, and it’s time for it to be over. 
Martin, modified 9 Months ago at 7/1/23 11:16 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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It's nice to see you post. I'm sorry for your loss.
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Siavash ', modified 9 Months ago at 7/1/23 11:43 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thank you Martin.
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Chris M, modified 9 Months ago at 6/30/23 2:20 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Sorry about your father, Siavash, but glad to hear you’re getting better and have more energy.
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Siavash ', modified 9 Months ago at 6/30/23 2:24 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Hi dear Chris,
Thank you :-) .
shargrol, modified 9 Months ago at 7/1/23 7:05 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Chris M
Sorry about your father, Siavash, but glad to hear you’re getting better and have more energy.

+1 emoticon  emoticon
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Siavash ', modified 9 Months ago at 7/1/23 9:21 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thank you Shargrol.
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Balint P, modified 9 Months ago at 7/1/23 12:31 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Sorry for your loss, Siavash. This must be a hard time. May better times find you and may you find peace.
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Siavash ', modified 9 Months ago at 7/1/23 1:15 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thank you Balint.
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Siavash ', modified 8 Months ago at 7/24/23 5:19 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 It's been a while that I keep noticing this pattern, that when I have flying dreams, especially the ones that are more vivid, and there is a clear feeling of energy pushing me up, or pulling me up (As wind or a force field), for a day or a few days after the dreams I feel quite fatigued, usually with intense sleepiness most of the day.
Previously I would think that the rising of energy and flying, corresponds to A&P, and after that comes the darker stages with unpleasantness, which sleepiness is part of that. But it occurred to me now that probably what happens, is that in order to have the flying experience, my system generates or uses more energy or chi than what it could normally afford, so after the experience there is fatigue of that energy. Any thoughts?

-- Edit:
It also could be the case that both are one thing, since as a notice for the phase shift, normally when I practice in bed, after just seconds there is a flood of energetics in the body, with different forms, but now, two days after a flying dream, there was almost no energetics. A phase shift, or maybe the energy is used up and is not there to flow in the body?
 
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Chris M, modified 8 Months ago at 7/24/23 4:01 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Siavash, I don't have very many flying dreams, unfortunately, so I have little to add. But I'm very happy to see you posting.
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Siavash ', modified 8 Months ago at 7/24/23 5:13 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thanks Chris emoticon
Martin, modified 8 Months ago at 7/24/23 5:53 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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I have never had a flying dream but for several years I had a pattern where, every couple of months, I would wake up from a dream of my body being pulled apart into particles and swirling out into space, and then, for a day or two I would be low in energy with poor mediation concentration and basically grumpy. I used to interpret this as A&P but ultimately did not find that a useful label. My guess is there is some kind of a pattern but, whatever it is, it's basically benign. It still happens every now and again. In fact, I had one a month or so ago, but it seems to be quite a bit less frequent now.

Do you like your flying dreams?
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Siavash ', modified 8 Months ago at 7/24/23 11:20 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thank you Martin for sharing your experience. There is a parallel there I guess.

Yes, these dreams are often fun and pleasant.
 
Martin, modified 8 Months ago at 7/25/23 9:36 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Sounds nice, I must say!
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Siavash ', modified 8 Months ago at 7/28/23 9:48 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Saturday, July 29, 2023, 4:41 AM

After several days of having emotional ups and downs, the last two days the mind was still. Sometimes the stillness was stronger that it affected the body and I’d notice that it slows down or stops the movements of the body.

I had some dreams today that felt important. Yesterday there were more energetics in the body, and during some informal practice that I did, there were different kinds of it manifesting. Some electric shocks, some bright lights, and feeling like I just fell down on the ground from above, or maybe something like my spine collapsed for a moment? It wasn’t clear. Then after going to bed there were more, but the body fell asleep and I was aware that they were happening. I noticed that my limbs jump sometimes, and there were more activity around the base of spine and navel.

I noticed movements, that later became a flying dream. I feel that certain experiences or dreams have a power that will/may manifest, unless you talk about that experience with others, and the sharing drains the power out of that experience. I don’t know, but it’s just a feeling.

A few times during the dream I came back to my bed, and felt that I am about to wake up because I am noticing the body and the room, but let’s focus on the vibrations and see if the dream and flying continued, and to my surprise I didn’t wake up the first few times and went back to the dream-land. As the dream progress, I felt that it gains more importance, and maybe sacredness, and also it became more vivid. There was an element of power, present in most of it.

While moving, once I found myself in my grand parents’ house in our family village. They had a room there that my grand father would sleep there at nights, that always looked sacred to me. It’s over 20 years that I haven’t visited there since my grand father died, because I don’t want to see that it has changed. I flew over the room, but noticed it’s an empty space, similar to another place (the rooftop of a company that I used to work), but not so similar, everything made of stone, like an ancient temple. I saw an axe, or maybe was a hammer, and thought that I should grab it, and I did. After that I had more control, and I was intentionally manifesting things. Next scene there were a few people, and an object like a log, I threw the axe and it went deep into the log, and it was an act of issuing power and confidence, and also getting things done, like the sword of the air element.

In a previous scene I had visited a place, maybe a museum. I returned to it again. The people working their were all ultra rich people. They warmly welcomed me again into the place. Then they gathered and started talking about me, as if I had a big problem, something that was fundamentally wrong with me, and they said we don’t know what is it that is wrong, and we can’t know, because we don’t know what tradition he belongs to, but let’s ask the higher realms or beings or whatever, and see if they send something to heal him, and I agreed to do that. Then from the ceiling a door opened and a statue came down, a golden statue, maybe of a yogi or a buddha (it was in a standing posture), but I thought it doesn’t look like real gold, and I came back to my bed again. This time I had higher awareness of the body, and after moving it a little bit, I woke up.

In the next dream there was water, but it was contained in a structure, mostly under the ground. Usually when there is water, either it’s a lake that I am moving above it, close to it, or an under ground water and I am stuck there. With this water, people had built a structure to contain it and prevent a flood, but I saw that the container is getting full and it’s about to overflow. I warned them, they said they have it uner control, but I didn't believe them, and I woke up. 
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Siavash ', modified 8 Months ago at 7/29/23 10:55 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Sunday, July 30, 2023, 7:10 AM

I had another water dream, but this was very unpleasant. I was stuck in a canoe in something like a small lake, but there was strong currents in the water, one was pulling me to the right, another to the left, both leading to maybe s deeper water or something else, that I knew was dangerous, and I had to keep paddling to stay in the center, if I stopped for a moment, I would be pulled in one direction, and I couldn’t see those areas. Someone was watching me that I knew her, and I knew that she is trying to be non-judgemental, but she wasn't. Finally I could get out of the water and climb the railing around the water, and I wanted to go to the other side that was a street, but my hands were very weak, I could barely keep myself there and could not get above the railing, and I was about to fall into the water. Someone was on the other side of the street, watching me, pretending in their mind that they care for me, but the didn't, otherwise they would come and give some help. I guess I woke up with an energetic shooting in the body. There was another unpleasant dream that I woke up the same way I guess, but I don't remember.

I was hoping that after the flying dream, I wouldn’t become sleepy this time, but it seems the sleepiness has returned. Yesterday in bed, there were a few strong energetic shootings, that made the body jump. One in the base of spine was quite intense, that I only noticed it after it happened, like a memory of it. After falling asleep, I had difficulty getting up, and stayed in bed the whole day. Now there is the sleepiness, and it seems to be getting predominant. Although the mind is still very quiet. This quietness of mind sometimes becomes an obstacle when working, since I have to think and find technical solutions, but the mind goes into quietness and stillness, and no thoughts arises, and I have to exert effort to bring thoughts to mind and keep them.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 7 Months ago at 8/5/23 1:17 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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My condolences! I'm sorry for your loss Siavash! May he rest in peace! 

Wishing you and your family all the best! 
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Siavash ', modified 7 Months ago at 8/5/23 1:54 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thank you Papa Che!

May you and your family be well too.

And glad to see you back on the forum :-) .
 
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 7 Months ago at 8/5/23 8:07 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Good to be here emoticon 
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Pepe ·, modified 7 Months ago at 8/5/23 11:04 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Ohh Siavash, this is tough news. I'm sorry for your loss! My heart goes out to you. May he rest in peace.

Best wishes for you and your family!
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Siavash ', modified 7 Months ago at 8/5/23 6:08 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thank you Pepe.
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Siavash ', modified 7 Months ago at 8/5/23 10:15 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Sunday, August 6, 2023, 6:17 AM

It seems that I go through this cycle (whatever that is) every week, once a week at least, that there is silence and stillness for some time, then it develops into a feeling of satisfaction, mostly it’s almost neutral, or maybe like a quiet equanimous state, but at times the satisfaction becomes more predominant and becomes like a mild joy. Then there is increase in the energetics, that leads to some flying dream, then I become sleepy for a day or more, and there is less energy and motivation. After that the sleepiness decreases, and for a few days there is emotional ups and downs, and then it cycles back to the quietness and stillness. (Not certain about the exact sequence expect for the sleepiness that comes after the dreams.)

This night there was a new experience in the dream. I’ve forgotten the sequence, but in one there was a mix of driving a car, and flying, several things were happening at the same time. I was with a close friend, he was the one that was driving the car, but I was driving it too, not sure if it was one car or two, or if it was at the same time or different times. And also I was flying in the air, and steering with my arms, which was the same experience as driving the car, and I wasn’t sure which is which. I thought that I was awake, but the perception of the body and the room was different I think, from the actual one. That makes me think how many bodies do we have? Or how many layers there are, to the perception of the body.
At some point it became clear that it’s a dream and I have control over it, so I decided to manifest a person, someone that I knew I guess, or a few people that I knew, but now I don’t know who they were. After I intended, two people appeared and it was so vivid that was shocking, but I couldn’t see their face. It was a little surprising, then I reached out and touched one of them to see if it’s real, and I felt the touch, but noticed they didn’t like it, and I noticed I am about to wake up, but I was so curious to examine it, so I tried to touch again, that I woke up after that, and couldn’t get back to it.

Now there is the sleepiness and lack of motivation. I am curious to know what kinds of energetic effects there is on the body, from the cycle of months and weeks and days.
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Siavash ', modified 7 Months ago at 8/7/23 4:03 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Tuesday, August 8, 2023, 12:19 AM

Three observations:

First, I sometimes notice that when there is equanimity and contentment, the body wants and starts to move in certain ways, and my hands like to form a mudra, as if that is a pose that reflects the harmony, and it likes to stay in that harmony by forming and maintaining the mudra. I notice that sometimes the movements of hands creates currents of vibrations in the body, and moving the hands slowly moves and spreads the vibrations.

Second, most of the time I notice two tensions in the body. First one is related to the fear of falling, so when sitting or reclining or even walking, the body tenses, to prevent falling. I think it comes from the fear of insecurity. The other is related to paying attention, that whenever I direct attention or focus on something, I notice tension builds in the neck and around it. The key characteristics of these two tensions is that, when I try to relax it, it just moves to a different part of the body. Like, it’s a fluid in the body, and by relaxing one part, it just moves to another part, and keeps recurring. If anyone has any suggestion with that, I’d appreciate.

Third, I’d like to have a fallback practice, so that I could do it whenever I have some free resources in the mind. Previously I’d use the awareness of the physicality of the body, but now it doesn’t satisfy me, because I find that I like to focus on the cause, but what happens on the surface of the body, is mostly effect of that cause that I am looking for. The issue is that I try many techniques, but since they don’t satisfy, I keep forgetting them. I have tried many things, but none has landed so far. Tonight I did some Do Nothing, and it appealed to me, but that one is good for the practice in stillness, not in motion I guess.
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Siavash ', modified 7 Months ago at 8/12/23 1:24 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Friday, August 11, 2023, 7:54 AM

It’s interesting, strange and elusive, I just like to grasp it and look at it, but it just shows up and runs fast. It happens mostly when I become sleepy during practice or in bed, that one moment my perception is the continuity of the previous ones, then there is a load of data, as if I reviewed many many related memories in just a flash, and recognized that it has passed now, then the moment I try to see what was it that just passed the mind, I forget the whole thing, and have no references to access it again. The last one was maybe last night, I don’t know, but the impression that I got was that I was in a place, and a lot had happened there, and I had interactions with people, but then I thought I was never there, and don’t know those people.

Saturday, August 12, 2023, 9:28 AM

Had a very interesting dream. I was practicing in bed, mostly was focused on the body, there were some intense energetic currents in the body, and I was curious about them, then I noticed some dreamy images while being awake and having sensations of the room. Several times I focused back on the room and ambient sounds to make sure that I am awake. Then I noticed a sense of movement, but it was less clear than usual ones, because I was awake. It was a strange feeling, I guess I felt one layer of the body is moving, maybe the inner part, and another layer not moving, maybe the skin, or maybe my legs. A few times this sense of movement arose, but it didn’t turn into moving in the room. I was lying on my back, and I guess the mind had difficulty to get out of that position into movement. Then the next time I watched surprisingly that the mind found a solution. I noticed that the body turned 180 degrees, but very slowly, that I was facing down, and moved down into the floor to the “neighbor’s house” (No body were there of course!). Then after entering there, while I was facing down, I noticed I could move in the air, and after that I tried and could turn the body. While that body was moving, and I intentionally moved the limbs, I was watching how that movement affect the physical body in bed, but the physical body felt very very heavy, as if it’s stuck to the ground that I had no way of moving it. I ended up in some interesting places, one was an old house that I liked, but there were no living beings, then I guess I decided to have people, and some people appeared, but they couldn’t see me and I’d pass through them and other objects. I fell asleep before the end of the dream I guess, since I don’t remember its ending.

The thing I described in the above entry, happened a few times in bed, that I felt I remembered some memories unrelated to myself, then forgot them.

These few days, when practicing in bed, there are some intense energetics, mostly in my hips and lower torso, that feels the inside of the body is in a washing machine, turning and twisting and. Today I had the perception that the body is fragmented, and there are these fragmented pieces close to each other, that I identify as myself or my body.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 6 Months ago at 9/17/23 10:14 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 2680 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Hope you are doing well Siavash! emoticon 

Best wishes! 
https://youtu.be/jjhlYKIhtsM?si=7i2S8PG7hBYwUCEA
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Siavash ', modified 6 Months ago at 9/17/23 12:54 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Hey Papa Che!

Thank you emoticon .

I am trying to get close to normalcy! And not finding much motivation to write!
Hope you are doing well as well!

​​​​​​​Good to hear you music, thanks for sharing it emoticon .
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 6 Months ago at 9/17/23 1:22 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Glad to hear you are well!

I'm ok I guess. Mostly minding my two sons and working part time to earn some money. 

Music always gets some time during the day but I feel im in need of a guitar teacher to help me expand my vocabulary. I'm painfully aware of repeating myself sonically. 
As soon money permits I will find a teacher. 

​​​​​​​Be well friend! 
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Siavash ', modified 6 Months ago at 9/17/23 2:59 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Then find a teacher! emoticon
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Siavash ', modified 6 Months ago at 9/17/23 3:27 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Friday, August 18, 2023, 1:06 AM

Last night I had a new kind of experience in dream. A guy jumped over stairs, and that translated into my body, so I was in the air as if I had jumped, but before falling on the ground, I turned on the air and got into flying, but I knew that it’s a dream, and although it was very short, but it felt that I had a download of memories. I passed over a pool, it was night, and I knew before passing over it that I’ll remember some memories related to that, which I guess I remembered and forgot. Then the movement stopped, and I felt that I know how to create it again and focused on the vibrations in the body and in the visual field and created some movement again, but it stopped and I wanted to create it again, but I noticed I am awake and that lightness is not there anymore. The main difference was about not having lightness, and instead having solidity in the body. I noticed that I can not find the same movement in sensations, and instead I am moving the body slightly to cause a sense of movement, which of course didn’t work.

It occurred me today that part of the emotional difficulties that I face, is related to wanting to have instant gratification. Often faced by a fear or uncertainty, the mind finds and does an action, or sometimes stops doing the necessary action, because doing it provides an instant gratification (a fix), or not doing it provides it in the form of a false hope that it creates, and this fix becomes a temporary refuge to run away from the fear or uncertainty or insecurity. Just pausing for a few minutes, and not taking a stance helps with this.

5:55 AM
These two days it’s not as hat as before, there is a cool breeze sometimes, and it smells autumn. I love it. Ocean of colors, lovely smells, beauties and tenderness. First I feel the arrival of autumn around June, but that is quite subtle, but the one around this time, is very clear. Now the shift is happening actively.
The first time that I experience this time of the year while my father is gone. I have some feelings, but I can’t name their flavors. Sometimes I feel that he never existed, and it’s just a faint mental image, other times I feel that he is around here somewhere, close.

Very interesting. I remember positive feelings related to my childhood, school time, and later years, of my father and autumn and winter in my hometown, and I like it. Last few weeks for some time I had similar experience, but I would feel the stresses that I had in childhood, specially related to school and exams.


Friday, August 25, 2023, 8:52 PM



Sunday, September 17, 2023, 11:43 PM

Since I posted, let’s finish this entry and post it.

The last few weeks had been very difficult. I don’t know why, but there were ongoing intense tension in the body, and the mind was very busy and agitated and anxious. All kinds of negative thoughts I had, when passing by a car, I would get the image that it will explode, when eating something I would get an image that it’s filled with insects, and much more than that, images of blood and sickness and death, etc. It’s true that I have had a stressful time in recent months, but this was way beyond that. And it was difficult to practice, because the mind could not settle. A few times I had to leave the office and come home because I couldn’t sit there because of the physical tension and mental anxiety. In the last 10 days I guess, I started practicing more and more, and for a few days that made the tension worse. I would feel that two brick walls are pressing my face from both sides. Constant headache for a few days. This last week there was a holiday, and I could get more time to walk and practice. After a few days that I could do several hours each day, I noticed that the tension started loosening. It feels exactly like ice melting. I feel sensations in my head and torso, like ice melts and a drop of water moves down. Sometimes it’s cool. Sometimes it comes with a breeze, like there is a fan beside part of the body. I added some fire kasina the last two days, and yesterday I noticed that it some stillness has returned finally. Yesterday I had a flying dream that appeared in a strange land, like an ancient city, that ended with a romantic scene, unexpected. After getting up I noticed a shift, that there was higher energy and sharpness, and less tension. I continue to do as much as practice that I can, since without it the tension build up again. Today was better than the last 2-3 weeks, and the functioning of body-mind was relatively normal. Last night in bed I tried to pay attention to my thoughts, an it was interesting the amount of thoughts that I had from my childhood, many scenes that I had forgotten.
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Siavash ', modified 6 Months ago at 9/23/23 4:35 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Sunday, September 24, 2023, 12:44 AM

I notice that when I stop doing certain activities, or do them less, the energy starts gathering in this body, and after a while it becomes very uncomfortable. I need to maintain way of releasing this energy, and making it flow, before it turns into tension in the body.
Meditation is a good way that makes the energy flow. Physical exercise, socializing, and writing are good way to release the energy. So, writing to just release some.

Last few days I tried to be practicing as much as I could, and yesterday I did a few hours of fie kasina. Like usual, when I do fire kasina, that affects my dreams in a noticeable way. I see more dreams, they are more symbolic, and often strange. Today there was a lot of water in the dreams. Relatively deep water, but it wasn’t close, so it didn’t bring much emotions, but I knew it’s there. In one, I was walking toward a town, maybe my hometown, that I saw that there is no town there, some people have burnt it completely, and there was a sign saying that previously there was a country here, but now…, then the scene changed to a movie, I guess because it was so shocking, and the moving was about Nazis, that had returned and were ruling that land.

Recently I have a lot of dreams about my father. In the first few months I had no dream about him, but now I see him frequently, seeing that he is back. Today I saw that he is back, because he was tired of being in the grave, and was with us, but he was still sick and his bleeding was worse. I thought to myself, while he is here, he can stay and live with us until he dies again. And it felt so real that even after waking up, for a few second I thought that it has happened.
There was one realm dream, that I have forgotten its content, but I remember that I woke up in the middle of it, and noticed visuals in the field, and noticed they are responding to intentions, so I tried to manifest some images.

I find that this fear of missing out is the main thing that drives a lot of my destructive habits, and with that comes fear of rejection. It leads to compulsion, and the compulsion leads to guilt and shame, and that leads to fear again, and creates a loop.

I think over the years I have created the identity of survivor for myself, that no matter what happens, I’ll find a way to survive. But a lot of time, I really don’t need to survive, because there is no threat, I just need to allow for the conditions to come together, to thrive and flourish, but since it’s not part of the identity, I create conditions that bring the necessity of surviving. Time to let go of the surviving mode, and welcome the flourishing identity.

And I forgot a few other things that I wanted to write.
shargrol, modified 6 Months ago at 9/23/23 6:35 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Wishing you a flourishing life!
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Siavash ', modified 6 Months ago at 9/23/23 6:53 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thanks Shargrol! :-)
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Siavash ', modified 5 Months ago at 10/7/23 7:00 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Saturday, September 30, 2023, 3:29 AM

I notice that I find it very difficult to have faith, or believe that trends can continue. I haven’t observed this in all areas that I can think of, but I have noticed it a in good few different areas. It seems that I am always expecting a reversal of the current trend, whatever that is. If the trend is related to how I sleep, I am expecting a disruption in that. If it’s the trend on a price of something, I am waiting for a reversal. If the bus is moving forward, I am expecting a problem, to stop it from continuing its current move. Not sure why, but I guess early in life, I had to fight with trends. There was the trend that I had to go to school, and I didn’t like it usually, so I would hope of anything that could interrupt that trend, but usually that trend would continue while I was fighting it. The same would happen with going to work at that time. Same pattern with expecting a change in my father’s behavior, but he would continue to do his thing. Same with expectations about the events related to government and the problem that came from that source, and having that hope, and fighting with it, but always getting similar results of disappointment.

Friday, October 6, 2023, 9:56 AM

Last night in bed there was an interesting experience. I had focused on the body, and similar to previous days, there was relatively high energetic activity, especially in the pelvis, base of the spine, perineum and throat center. Then some pleasurable sensations started arising, with a sexual tone, then for the next few hours there was a sense, that kept coming and going, that I felt that most of the body gets filled with something, which is dense, but very light, like it’s filled with air, but the air is very dense in a noticeable way. It was stronger in my mouth, that I clearly felt that it fill my mouth, and I feel its density, but at the same time, it feels light. It was very interesting. I guess I could call it chi, but which chi, I don’t know.
A few days ago I had a flying dream, which I think was related to this thing. In the dream, while I was above the ground, I could manipulate the energy with my hands, and I could move it inside the body of a few people that were there, and make them float in the air.

3:08 PM
I forgot to write the main thing that I wanted to write. I think there is a shift in my experience in recent days, it’s a shift in understanding. I think now my mind and body approaches fear and greed differently. I don’t get the same reaction and restlessness in the body, when I noticed the mind poisoned by fear and greed.The energetic changes that I mentioned above, I think is the result of this shift. Not a big shift, but it’s something. These two days I felt sick, something like a flu, and I think that is related to these energetic changes too.
The other thing that I notice more, is how my body behaves, when I have a subtle knowing that someone else might see me or hear me, or even notice the result of movements of this body at a later time. Since long ago I have been aware of this subject in my behavior, but I notice some new subtleties.

Saturday, October 7, 2023, 3:25 PM

Last night in bed I had focused on the body, and I noticed the same pattern with the energetics, and arising of pleasurable sensations, though my breath and heartbeat didn’t settle so that I could enter any absorption. At times that the breath was slower, the sensations in the body would become pleasurable, like a soft touch of silk on the skin with some coolness. That filling also happened for a while, that I would notice something like air rises from the middle-back, and fills the upper part of the body, dense and light. I guess I can assume that some blockages have opened.
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Chris M, modified 5 Months ago at 10/7/23 8:26 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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This sounds like a nice change for you, Siavash!
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Siavash ', modified 5 Months ago at 10/7/23 9:05 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thanks Chris!

Yes, it seems. I did a seated practice now, and the same pleasant sensations kept arising, though milder.
 
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 5 Months ago at 10/25/23 4:36 AM
Created 5 Months ago at 10/25/23 4:36 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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"This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond."

​​​​​​​emoticon 
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 12/9/23 12:56 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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I just read a few of other posts where people were talking about paths, fruitions, etc.

Didn't want to interrupt there, so let's write it here.

It's been a while that I find it difficult to understand why should one care about getting a path, or a fruition, or n paths or whatever. Why bother!?

I know, there are standard answers to this question, but who cares? : )
​​​​​​​I guess it's okay to have something, or not have something, not much difference. Whatever it was, it's gone now.
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Chris M, modified 3 Months ago at 12/20/23 8:03 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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It's been a while that I find it difficult to understand why should one care about getting a path, or a fruition, or n paths or whatever. Why bother!?

I didn't care. I didn't even know what that stuff was. It happened to me anyway. Some of it scared the crap out me - so it definitely got my attention - and caused me to pay more attention. So the answer is, I believe, personal. It's not for everyone. 
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 3 Months ago at 12/20/23 10:58 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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I will say +1 about didn't care and still don't care. It did happen anyway. It came as a result of the daily consistent practice it seems.
shargrol, modified 3 Months ago at 12/9/23 1:34 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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It really isn't the path that is important, but rather the skills that are developed in order to achieve it. Sort of like graduating grade school isn't about the diploma but the taking all the classes. The ability to sit through difficult experiences in the Dark Night and the ability to sit through neutral experiences in Equanimity is the important thing. Then life itself is much easier, whether it is surviving stressful work or standing in boring lines while shopping. emoticon

Sitting through Equanimity to cessation/path is especialy challenging because the narcissitic ego doesn't have much to "feed on". It feels like nothing is happening so "I should just get up from the sit". And in later stages it can feel like death is approaching in a strange way during Equanimity. But if someone can continue to sit and be mindful and fully experience all of this, then they develop a very resilient mind. 

And the path/cessation moment itself is just a nice accident... with the benefit that it seems to to "lock in" the ability to do all of the above. Before path, we can do all of the above but it's a struggle. After path, there might still be some struggle but there is an unshakable confidence that the nanas can be fully experienced. Almost like we can remember our diploma and know "I could return to grade school and do it all over again if I had to".

But of course, after we graduate from first path, we need do the work of second path. emoticon
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 3 Months ago at 12/9/23 5:55 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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I personally never cared about paths nor did I believe these paths could happen to me. All I cared for was the sensing of Dukkha in everything. That unsatisfactory feeling about experience. I suffered and I felt that maybe meditation can resolve this suffering. 

As shargrol said "paths are a happy accident" born out of sitting in the classroom and paying attention during the class. Not getting overly lost in daydreaming without being mindful of it. Paying attention , one experience after the other ... it happens fast ... concentration deepens as I buy more into the flow of the arise-passing experience ... tap , tap, tap, tap, ... and mind learns about its own nature. Less ignorant, more wise.

Dont worry about the paths as such. It all happens on its own anyway. There is no Me in it getting anything emoticon It all does itself. It happens. Stuff. An itch. A path moment. A sound. A Jhana. A belief. A thought. A feeling .... one after the other the myriad guests enter this human guest house. emoticon We greet them all! And they go away ...

Peiple get caught up in all sorts of things. We enter realms of Titans where we fight battles about who has the right kind of Jhana or the right kind of fruition etc emoticon 

Or we fall into the Hungry Ghost realm when trying to get into some special state. 

Or we fall into the Hell Realm if we want to get the fuck out of this Re-observation! 

Or we don't care about anything else but our lovely bliss and rapture. Why care about other beings if my experience is so lovely emoticon 

etc ... 

I'm talking too much emoticon 

​​​​​​​Best wishes to you Siavash! 
shargrol, modified 3 Months ago at 12/9/23 6:51 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Not talking too much at all, preach on Saint Papa! emoticon
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Oh no! Not that word again! Saint of diaper change maybe? Grumpy saint? Only yesterday I've attained 4 shitty diapers! Or so I remember it now! If I can trust my memory that is! emoticon 
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Ni Nurta, modified 3 Months ago at 12/10/23 3:59 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Fruition is the simplest trick in the book. We had them all the time when we were younger.
Mind is like a river and fruition is like water not necessarily going through where it usually flows but letting itself spread and go new places.

It is not result of meditation practice but choices you make - with you here being some *yous* that might not even be connected to your consciouss mind - they do have their consciousnesses, multiple at that.

Fruition doesn't require any formal meditation, it requires no formal practices, no methods.
If you understand that and fruition is just like moving your hand then you might have valid claim for Stream Entry.
There is no signle consciousness which moves hand and likewise no single consciousness can do fruition. What you might think moves hand would not even know how to begin lifting it. And likewise Stream Enterer does fruition like he moves his hand. Likewise he does jhanas and everything else.

Metta Fruitions,
Ni
shargrol, modified 3 Months ago at 12/10/23 5:38 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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I wish it was so Ni. 
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 12/10/23 11:30 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Shargrol,
Yes, I get that, but I don't find any clear wanting or caring in my system even for that.

Often there is no wanting. Then, something happens, and I notice that there is something that disrupts the peace, I make an intention to drop that, if it drops, then it's good, if not, that's okay too, and I don't see much or any wanting or struggle to get rid of that. As a result, trying to get to somewhere has become meaningless. Most of the time, the wanting and struggle is meaningless and pointless. I know I am not articulating well. I like to have nice accidents, and I appreciate it when and if it happens, but if not, that's okay, and there isn't the urge to go after it.
Actually I am forcing myself now to write, most of me does not care to write : )) .

Ni, that was too complicated, I didn't read.

Papa Che, best wishes to you as well!
 
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 12/21/23 10:48 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Yeah.

I think it is not worth it to suffer, in order to get rid of suffering. Other than that, I guess other things are okay, as they happen.
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Chris M, modified 3 Months ago at 12/21/23 12:54 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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We all have plenty of suffering to work with in our practice. There's no need to pile it on anew.
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Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago at 1/13/24 11:35 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Saturday, January 13, 2024, 8:40 PM

It’s been a while that I didn’t have flying dreams. In the last few months, I had maybe 2 dreams, one of them was very clear and beautiful, but I woke up from it by a car noise from the outside!
But last night I had a good one. It was very clear and vivid, and one thing was different about it, that I had a clear sense of where I can exert power and make changes, and where I had to accept whatever shows up and not create struggle. Usually in these dreams when I reach a wall or window, if a subtle thought or doubt comes to mind, I would wake up and get out of that state, but in this one, I reached a wall, and the thought came to mind that I usually have difficulty crossing the wall, then I observed myself exerting power to pass through the wall. I pointed both index fingers to the wall, and send energy to it, then I was on the other side. And later, when I noticed that I came back and just seeing visuals in the murk and there is no flying power, unlike previous times, I didn’t try to make it happen again. I said to myself, that one is over, let’s enjoy these beautiful visuals.

Some weeks ago our team lead left, and it created a situation that everyone looked at me as if there is no choice but taking the responsibility. I had decided to not go into such roles again, because I am tired of responsibility, but I had to accept it. That has made the sense of identity stronger. I both like it and dislike it.

I notice a change in some emotions. I used to get angry when something fell from my hands and similar things. In recent years, I started to become aware of the moment that anger arises. Some times later I became aware of it, and could decide wether I want the anger to manifest or not, and have equanimity with it. Recently I notice that the anger does not arise at all. I tried to find it, but it seems it isn’t there.

What about the energy?! It’s still trapped in my head, creating headache and dizziness. Sometimes I notice it moving inside the head, and the headache moves with it. There seems to be more opening in the throat center, I don’t get much discomfort when talking to a group of people, and making decisions for them. Also seems to be more opening around the base of spine.

​​​​​​​It seems that after my new role at work, the degree of carelessness has decreased! 
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 2 Months ago at 1/13/24 2:06 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Congrats on your new position in your team! I would not mind following you mate! emoticon Lead the way! 

You are often in my thoughts when I read the news about Middle East. Best wishes! 
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Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago at 1/13/24 2:14 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thanks Papa Che!
I have no interests in leading any kind of way! But, sometimes it's not fair to say no, and it would be more selfish!

Yeah. I try to stay away from news! But, yeah, this is the world we are living in, murderers pretend to be victims!
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 2 Months ago at 1/19/24 12:24 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Just found this lovely iranian santur player! 
https://youtu.be/D_rhIvcffUk?si=Qnn_luzNPF2e5_oL
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago at 2/15/24 12:16 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thursday, February 15, 2024, 9:33 PM

I had an interesting dream experience last night. At some point I became aware of the body, I guess I was asleep before that, and I noticed strong sexual feelings moving upward in the body. I thought this is so intense and I can not tolerate it, then I thought, no, it should be okay. I noticed dancing lights in the visual field, and focusing on them made them brighter. As I focused, the body started moving, then it went above the ground. But unlike usual that I go up in a reclining posture, the body turned in the air, and I was vertical, but I don’t remember if my head was pointing to the ground or the ceiling. When getting close to the wall, this thought came to mind, that I’ll be worried about difficulty passing thru the wall, and that will prevent me from going out of the wall, and that happened. I returned to bed, and started again. At some point I noticed that I am quite aware of the room, and the ambient noises, and noticed that the neighbors are awake and talking, but at the same time, I had a different perception of the room and the body, which was the one that contained the dream experience. I thought that it would be fun to watch myself experience this dream space and movement. As I was about to move again, the neighbor made a loud noise, and that broke the concentration/state, but it was interesting that after that I had access to both spaces for some time. The dream space started fading away, and I fell asleep.

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