Was hard to be consistent because of some changes in life, so started to do only 30m sessions twice a day to work on being consistent first and then increase the duration as the time goes.

Am working on TMI4-5. Focusing on just the sensations in the right thumb is not enough to overcome dullness despite how intense pleasure gets sometimes. Body scanning is also hard because of the intense sensations in the right thumb.

Previous Logs:

Irakli's Practice Journal (May)
Irakli's Practice Journal (June)
Irakli's Practice Journal (July)

August 1, Monday

S1 - TMI (30m)

Wasn't able to fully get rid of subtle dullness but it became easier to not just be aware of dullness and perceive breath sensations in the right thumb but also be aware of how effective my actions are. Felt very intense pleasure in the right thumb. Started to notice distinct sensations at the nostrils as well. Dullness set in right after the session ended.

S2 - TMI (30m)

Wasn't able to fully get rid of subtle dullness with just perceiving pleasant sensations in the right thumb. Should try scanning at least the right arm fully. Just perceiving subtlest forms of sensations in the right thumb didn't increase sensory clarity in other areas as much, I think it's because I didn't need to use effort as much. Perceiving the whole body didn't help much as well. But introspective awareness of subtle dullness got better, as well as pleasure in the right thumb.


August 2, Tuesday

S1 - TMI (30m)

Just the sensations in the right thumb are enough to deal with subtle dullness. The subtler forms of dullness I overcome the more I can feel how vivid, open and effortless peripheral awareness becomes. What matters in dealing with subtle dullness is not just perceiving subtle sensations while being aware of it, but also giving more and more effort into perceiving subtler forms of sensations. Subtle dullness set in after the session but much more subtle than in previous sessions.


August 3, Wednesday

S1 - TMI (30m)

Spent some time stabilizing attention and then dealing with dullness. TMIS 4-5.

S2 - TMI (30m)

Dullness didn't disappear despite my best efforts. It was hard to do body scanning because of very intense energy and pleasant sensations in the right thumb. When I try to perceive breath sensations in any other area, the sensations get more and more intense in the right thumb and it clouds all the sensations in whatever area I am focusing on.


August 4, Thursday

S1 - TMI (30m)

TMI2-3, lost in thoughts and worries.


August 5, Friday

S2 - TMI (30m)

Harder-to-identify subtle dullness emerged which stayed for the whole sit. It led to lurching and possibly hypnagogic thoughts. Was hard to rouse myself out of it. I should start body scanning from legs or I can't seem to do it from hands, because of intense sensations in the right thumb.

August 6, Saturday

S1 - TMI (30m)

Daily life is affecting me, even the smallest changes make the downs lower. It is what it is. But I need to note that being manipulated and used as a tool doesn't feel good, but I can't leave, so I will take the approach of looking at it as opportunities to solidify progress faster. 1 Human is constantly causing doubt, irritation, annoyance, confusion, fear, anxiety, anger and many undesirable emotions arise in consciousness. Though the whole relational system is dysfunctional, It is what it is, I can't leave and I'd feel guilty and worry too much about leaving my siblings in this dynamic. Though the longer time passes, the worse my siblings' personality become and more co-dependent they become on their abuser, it is disgusting to see them being tarnished like this, but I can't control them. The worse the situation affects them the less guilt I feel because I seem to understand I can't do anything about it, I just see it as a natural process. I'd rather leave in future, I can't have someone waiting to stab me in the back for benefits or on a whim, it's unnecessary struggle.

Spent time in TMI2.

S2 - TMI (30m)

Quickly stabilized attention and started scanning the body from the right hand, intense sensations in the right thumb don't bother anymore. After I completed scanning the right arm, I felt strong mindfulness and introspective awareness. When I started scanning the left hand, I felt pleasant tingling sensations effortlessly in almost every part, especially the fingers. Before completing the scan of the left arm fully, dullness hit hard, after energizing the mind a lot of times I felt tired but still energized the mind again and again pushing the effort to the max. Eventually I decided to look at the clock and it was 6 minutes left, decided to focus at the nostrils. Breath sensations at the nostrils felt like vibrations and unless I intended, I wouldn't know whether I was breathing in or out. When I redirected attention on the breath I felt very strong peripheral awareness, and some power of consciousness was left to be able to know how my behavior affected changes in dullness, which was very hard when doing the body-scan.

August 7, Sunday

S1 - TMI (30m)

I think my mother has multiple personalities. I was stuck in TMI2.

S2 - TMI (30m)

Scanned both arms fully, focused on speed and sensory clarity of breath sensations still got really vivid on the second arm. Subtle dullness was always present, I think it is some physiological issue, as I have signs of illness and a part of dullness didn't budge, but mindfulness still got strong, and after scanning the right arm and redirecting attention at the nostrils, breath sensations felt very vivid probably void of concepts.

August 8, Monday

S1 - TMI (30m)

TMI2-3. Consciously intending to watch out for distractions worked well.

S2 - TMI (30m)

Subtle dullness was workable, wasn't tired like on previous days. Scanned both arms and left leg. Breath sensations at the nostrils felt clearer than ever. Dullness set in after the sit, was aware of it before though.

I decided to do 1.5 hour blocks of close vision activity on a laptop (reading) instead of doing 4 hours with just restroom breaks. Reading for 4 hours made me lose comprehension ability quickly, intensified dullness and exhausted me mentally. Doing practice session while being wrung out of mental energy impacted the sessions. Now it is a huge improvement. 1.5 hour sessions of reading with 30 minute rest and far-sight viewing made my comprehension better while reading and practice sessions will probably go better as well.

August 9, Tuesday

S1 - TMI (30m)

Was totally lost in thoughts, anger, plans and fantasies. This was the session where I've had the worst concentration that I can remember (in the past month).

S2 - TMI (30m)

Subtle dullness was present from the start. Felt a bit sluggish and lack of mental energy. Scanned two arms fully but didn't help, energized the mind a couple of times but didn't help. Breath sensations was also less vivid.

August 10, Wednesday

S1 - TMI (30m)

Felt tired, exhausted and dull, TMI2-3.

S2 - TMI (30m)

Scanned arms and legs fully in 20 minutes, but breath sensations weren't as vivid and the mind was more dull than previous sessions. Energizing the mind didn't work.

August 22, Monday

1:15 SDS (Strong Determination Sitting), felt a lot of pain in the last 10 minutes and wanted to quit many times. Pain was unbearable, probably made huge progress.

August 23, Tuesday

Morning 1h SDS was very easy, and the second session was easy.

August 24, Wednesday

After about 1 hour the pain starts, the first 1:20 sit was easier than second, but learned a lot in both. When I lose awareness of whatever causes involuntary movement and behavior I suffer and start moving and wanting to give up. When I am aware of whatever I am fixated on, fixation disappears and suffering vanishes, involuntary movements also stop. Dullness was present and very seductive, became a problem in the second SDS and almost made me give up, knowing what I am fixated on helps.

Instead of enduring, when the mind focuses on learning, pain becomes bearable. Knowing that progress is not in enduring but in learning, and suffering vanishes while learning and not while enduring, makes the mind focus on learning.

The mind also automatically focuses on whatever is causing suffering because when awareness of it is lost, I suffer more, and suffering works like a neurofeedback device.

August 25, Thursday

Morning 1:15 got a little painful in the last couple of minutes but still felt ok and thought could go for more. The second 1:15 session felt unbearable, the pain started earlier, checked timer twice, and kept involuntarily moving a lot. I will increase the time of the first session by 15-30 minutes, and leave the second session at 1:15.