Again today, during doing more regular life things I've been keeping up a gentle light of awareness with either basic noting or self-inquiry... It doesn't feel as fast progress as intense focused noting meditation, but it's something. So one thing I'm working on is being in the habit of becoming more aware, using these tools I've learned.

The sense of having a self feels kind of annoying, partly seeing that it's not true at least in the sense that I've thought it is, but also not being able let go of it just like that. But it's also probably seemingly comforting and secure and familiar, and letting go of the sense of self just like that would be the opposite of that. So it's possibly a good thing to have it happen graudually.

Dear Log, this night I'm trying to figure out how to get into Equanimity by figuring out what Equanimity actually is.

There is space. A space of consciousness. Reality consists of sensations that blink in and out of that space, they don't satisfy and they're not me. This I have been investigating for myself and am able to see it to at least some degree.

So,  Equanimity has to do with kind of resting in this truth of what is going on, of being more in that space than sucked into the appearances (that are not solid, and are not me or mine, and definitely are not a source of lasting satisfaction.) So this requires a certain degree of firsthand experience of the truth of what's going on. I think have enough of that awareness by now. I can kind of tune into it at will. So, usually when I do focused noting for example, I quickly get into that space where things feel lighter. Or rather just recognize what is actually going on, and that feels spacious and lighter.

But. In daily life still often forget that and get lost in the mind stories and emotions, which have leaning on the dark and painful side for many years now. The hard PTSD-related mood swings especially seem to throw me off, so I have at times been worried if that might be an obstacle to Equanimity. Or maybe just a challenge. But if the thing is that they're all just appearances, and Equanimity is more about the relation to appearances than the appearances themselves, then I suppose it should be possible to stay Equanimous even if that includes the nervous system getting overactive, etc.

I think I've gotten to Equanimity stage a few times within the couple past years. Sometimes it had to do with some body oriented practices, as a result of them a mild surrendering and freedom happened. But that didn't last very long.

The longest (like maybe a day or two at a time) and most obvious Equanimity I've had happened when I was actively reading MCTB2 and applying the teachings, mostly by doing a lot of noting or just staying loosely mindful and noticing. I found out that it's important to balance those two, the aggressive focused meditation and gentle letting go and being aware. It's kind of like with physical fitness both working out and rest are important.

Anyways, since I've had the best results in this regard by reading MCTB and applying it, it makes sense to me to do more of that. Writing and reading other people's experiences here is one way of supporting that.

When these thoughts and behaviors/urges come up, try to focus on the underlying feelings as physical sensations in the body. The thoughts & behaviors are really just the result of the feelings trying to get attention. The more you can give attention to the feelings directly, the less need there is for reactive thought/behavior patterns.