My Path and My Resolution, Any Advice ? - Discussion
Hi DhO,
This is the first post about my practice. I am 22 years old and i happened to read MCTB 2 years ago, and immediately i saw that there is something there there, i started practicing after reading most of the book. I started with noting practice and tried to note the things that happened in my experience. I didnt really notice the first 3 stages of the progress of insight map at exact moments of them happening, but there are several things that match up with the map in the MCTB which are,
-My perception of object's size or magnitude would change in weird ways, in that i experienced myself as very small, its really hard to explain but like i was something that was infinitely getting smaller and perception would change again and i was normal then i was small again. The thing i am referencing with "me"here is the mental image of myself, not the experience of my body. This feeling is something that still happens sometimes when i am at cushion and its very easy to spot while happening. I think this was something that can happen in Mind and Body stage.
-I experienced jaw pain at sometime in the beginning of my practice history, it didnt repeat itself later, never actually. But i distinctly remember because it was actually painful and i would have to be careful not to move my jaw as it would hurt until it passed.
-While in cushion there would be these tensions in the neck area, and my head would turn right or left completely by itself. I would sometimes sit like that till the end of the session, my eyes are closed and my head is turned to the side almost completely. I would sometimes gently move it back to its normal position but it would turn back again as if the tension is strong enough to hold my head that way. This was just before what i would think of as Arising and Passing Away stage and i dont remember any specific iritation or painful sensations but i suspect that this was Three Characteristics stuff.
1 or 2 months after starting my practice i experienced some things which i thought was the effect of Arising and Passing Away stage.
-It started with very small tingling sensations in the base of my spine, and it seemed to move upwards with in breath, and downwards with out breath, at start i thought this was my shirt rubbing on my skin as i breathe and it moves, but when the tinglings became powerful vibrations going buzzzzzzzzz, it was pretty clear
These vibrations became soo powerful that even when i am not meditating i would lie in bed hanging out on my phone texting with my gf, it would go up and down on its own accord and would litterally give massage to my back, it was pretty enjoyable and fascinating.
-There would be some sort of feeling of energy moving upwards through my body, especially behind the ears, and right after that white light would flash on the periphery of visual field for half second and would be gone.
-The perception of sound would subtly change and felt like it was coming through a tunnel. I would listen to my brother and sister speak on another room and the sound was just different i couldn't understand how exactly it was different but at first i thought maybe the door of the room i was in was slightly open(as this is happening while my eyes are closed and i am thinking of reasons why sound feels weird) and it's making a tunnel-like feeling, and it felt also clear, the sound was clear and smooth and sharp. Anyway this was just something i found weird and maybe its worth sharing for those experienced ones can map my experience, if they want.
-Those experiences lasted almost 2 weeks and then just stopped happening, after that the energy slowly sinked and it felt dull. I would feel like i was sleeping while meditating, i was not but it was like not much was happening and i was in a freezer hahahah.
Regarding Dark Night stuff, i am not really sure if there are specific experiences i can share just like i did with other stages, like perceptually explainable things doesn't come to mind,there wasn't things like powerful vibrations or sound perceptions or unvoluntary bodily movements but boy have i gone through some bad times, yes. It was more like something happening at the background of experience, painful things were "there" but not that locatable or explainable. I sense that my sentences look a lot like MCTB sections but its what it felt like and having read those sections, its really hard to use some other words to explain just to look like i am sharing my original experience, and i think this is not necessary at all.
If someone would ask me have you experienced any bad things after the stage of A&P, i would definitely say yes, until that time i haven't had a panic attack in my life, and after A&P i would go for a walk and would try to keep my shit together in a state of anxiety and fear. I would sometimes be so irritated and angry with life, people, everything, and the day after that it would all be just gone. I would wonder what the hell was that, what is there to be so mad about, but it would come and kick my ass again like punishing me for thinking that. And the things i was so frightful about were nothing really big, it was the loss of perspective that fueled the fear. There were times i was so over, just wanting everything to end,lying on my bed crying, and these kind of mind states happened and passed, happened and passed, so many times in different degrees, different flavours, different durations. I would like to also add that at some point a pressure in my head area appeared and is still there, it sometimes disappears but generally there, its very irritating but i dont know what to do about it, nothing seems to work. I tried relaxing, not resisting, fully feeling, putting my attention on lower parts of my body so that energy could move down. Nothing worked.
Despite all this i have meditated almost regularly, not in high doses but 1 year of everyday one hour averagely then another year whenever i had spare time i meditated. My meditation was generally to feel experience and observe directly the sensations in my experience at that moment, without giving any parts of experience a higher or lower importance.
I had 2 or 3 more A&P like stages that lasted shorter than the initial one, and wasn't as powerful as it. But they were definitely A&P's involving ,vibrations,white light etc.
I think i had brief periods of being in equanimity, this sense of what was all that struggle about kind of feeling, more relaxed, content, confident. And there were this sensation in my crown, top of my head, like a really cold water drop just fallen there, and little cold tinglings would happen, i had no idea what was this, but i always associated this with good things happening in the brain, energy finally being released, and i thought this might be an equanimity phase thing. Although i think it probably happened if i remember correctly while i was going through what i felt to be Dark Night also.
Another thing regarding what i think might be equanimity phase experience, i would get some feelings or emotions or perspective from my past that felt wonderful, like something that was holding those memories away from me has cleaned up and they were ready to present themselves. This really felt like healing. This thing also happened many times. And i would like to say that reading Daniel having similar experiences in the stage of equanimity might have made it easier for me to realize this pattern. I am saying this because i am aware that most of the things i have wrote here can be found in similar words in MCTB, and yes its not a coincidence, because i read those sections and tried to see very carefully what i am going through and where i am at. There are probably other many things i havent come to realize that were happening, just because i couldnt match it from the maps.
At this point I dont think i had completed an insight cycle or had any cessations. I am probably dark nighting on and off for the past 1 and a half year, i am not emotionally balanced and have no proper guidance. And i wrote a resolution today, after doing so much practice and not having much insight, i am dissappointed. Here it goes.
-There is something which is very dear to my heart. Awakening, which i have read about 2 years ago, and started practicing since, and havent been able to really get any seeming benefit from it. This may be partly due to my lack of perspective of my progression from the time i started meditating, but i think there is a much more important thing to look at which prevented my progress. Which was the lack of consistency. While there are a lot of things that can be said about why wasn't i consistent and %100 involved with my practice, i think it would be much more useful if i can realize how much this thing is important for me, and show the necessary effort and consistency for the benefit of myself and every other being that exists. How can i do this ? Every and every and every moment should be my opportunity for practicing meditation. Every waking hour i should consciously try to be aware of what is happening, in body, mind, emotion, and everything else doesnt matter what as long as it is actually happening and appearing and disappearing in my sensory experience. I should dedicate myself to this as powerfully as possible, as sensitively as possible. This is very important for me. This is the most important thing for me. Try to remember this, you are not going to be feeling good all the time, there will be times when you just want everything to stop, everything that exist to not be in your experience. You are going to be so irritated that maybe you'll want to kill yourself. When this happens, you should remember that you KNEW that this was what could happen, and this too WILL pass, and you should bear it to the maximum level of your capability. Good luck, you can do this, trust in yourself, and trust the people that delivered this message to you, and smiling from the other side and want you to join the ranks of an enlightened one, and be AWARE.
Cringe enough ?
I have very deep trust that this community have very valuable members in the area of insight and meditation, and please know that i really would like to hear your advice. Should i go %100 or cool down ? Stop practicing and focus on emotional balance ? Is the main problem seems like being stuck in Dark Night and i should just go nuts on insight meditation ? Also, if the way i explained my experience is lacking in any sense please let me know and i will try to fill in the blanks. This is the first time i am communicating this stuff sooo.
This is the first post about my practice. I am 22 years old and i happened to read MCTB 2 years ago, and immediately i saw that there is something there there, i started practicing after reading most of the book. I started with noting practice and tried to note the things that happened in my experience. I didnt really notice the first 3 stages of the progress of insight map at exact moments of them happening, but there are several things that match up with the map in the MCTB which are,
-My perception of object's size or magnitude would change in weird ways, in that i experienced myself as very small, its really hard to explain but like i was something that was infinitely getting smaller and perception would change again and i was normal then i was small again. The thing i am referencing with "me"here is the mental image of myself, not the experience of my body. This feeling is something that still happens sometimes when i am at cushion and its very easy to spot while happening. I think this was something that can happen in Mind and Body stage.
-I experienced jaw pain at sometime in the beginning of my practice history, it didnt repeat itself later, never actually. But i distinctly remember because it was actually painful and i would have to be careful not to move my jaw as it would hurt until it passed.
-While in cushion there would be these tensions in the neck area, and my head would turn right or left completely by itself. I would sometimes sit like that till the end of the session, my eyes are closed and my head is turned to the side almost completely. I would sometimes gently move it back to its normal position but it would turn back again as if the tension is strong enough to hold my head that way. This was just before what i would think of as Arising and Passing Away stage and i dont remember any specific iritation or painful sensations but i suspect that this was Three Characteristics stuff.
1 or 2 months after starting my practice i experienced some things which i thought was the effect of Arising and Passing Away stage.
-It started with very small tingling sensations in the base of my spine, and it seemed to move upwards with in breath, and downwards with out breath, at start i thought this was my shirt rubbing on my skin as i breathe and it moves, but when the tinglings became powerful vibrations going buzzzzzzzzz, it was pretty clear
These vibrations became soo powerful that even when i am not meditating i would lie in bed hanging out on my phone texting with my gf, it would go up and down on its own accord and would litterally give massage to my back, it was pretty enjoyable and fascinating.-There would be some sort of feeling of energy moving upwards through my body, especially behind the ears, and right after that white light would flash on the periphery of visual field for half second and would be gone.
-The perception of sound would subtly change and felt like it was coming through a tunnel. I would listen to my brother and sister speak on another room and the sound was just different i couldn't understand how exactly it was different but at first i thought maybe the door of the room i was in was slightly open(as this is happening while my eyes are closed and i am thinking of reasons why sound feels weird) and it's making a tunnel-like feeling, and it felt also clear, the sound was clear and smooth and sharp. Anyway this was just something i found weird and maybe its worth sharing for those experienced ones can map my experience, if they want.
-Those experiences lasted almost 2 weeks and then just stopped happening, after that the energy slowly sinked and it felt dull. I would feel like i was sleeping while meditating, i was not but it was like not much was happening and i was in a freezer hahahah.
Regarding Dark Night stuff, i am not really sure if there are specific experiences i can share just like i did with other stages, like perceptually explainable things doesn't come to mind,there wasn't things like powerful vibrations or sound perceptions or unvoluntary bodily movements but boy have i gone through some bad times, yes. It was more like something happening at the background of experience, painful things were "there" but not that locatable or explainable. I sense that my sentences look a lot like MCTB sections but its what it felt like and having read those sections, its really hard to use some other words to explain just to look like i am sharing my original experience, and i think this is not necessary at all.
If someone would ask me have you experienced any bad things after the stage of A&P, i would definitely say yes, until that time i haven't had a panic attack in my life, and after A&P i would go for a walk and would try to keep my shit together in a state of anxiety and fear. I would sometimes be so irritated and angry with life, people, everything, and the day after that it would all be just gone. I would wonder what the hell was that, what is there to be so mad about, but it would come and kick my ass again like punishing me for thinking that. And the things i was so frightful about were nothing really big, it was the loss of perspective that fueled the fear. There were times i was so over, just wanting everything to end,lying on my bed crying, and these kind of mind states happened and passed, happened and passed, so many times in different degrees, different flavours, different durations. I would like to also add that at some point a pressure in my head area appeared and is still there, it sometimes disappears but generally there, its very irritating but i dont know what to do about it, nothing seems to work. I tried relaxing, not resisting, fully feeling, putting my attention on lower parts of my body so that energy could move down. Nothing worked.
Despite all this i have meditated almost regularly, not in high doses but 1 year of everyday one hour averagely then another year whenever i had spare time i meditated. My meditation was generally to feel experience and observe directly the sensations in my experience at that moment, without giving any parts of experience a higher or lower importance.
I had 2 or 3 more A&P like stages that lasted shorter than the initial one, and wasn't as powerful as it. But they were definitely A&P's involving ,vibrations,white light etc.
I think i had brief periods of being in equanimity, this sense of what was all that struggle about kind of feeling, more relaxed, content, confident. And there were this sensation in my crown, top of my head, like a really cold water drop just fallen there, and little cold tinglings would happen, i had no idea what was this, but i always associated this with good things happening in the brain, energy finally being released, and i thought this might be an equanimity phase thing. Although i think it probably happened if i remember correctly while i was going through what i felt to be Dark Night also.
Another thing regarding what i think might be equanimity phase experience, i would get some feelings or emotions or perspective from my past that felt wonderful, like something that was holding those memories away from me has cleaned up and they were ready to present themselves. This really felt like healing. This thing also happened many times. And i would like to say that reading Daniel having similar experiences in the stage of equanimity might have made it easier for me to realize this pattern. I am saying this because i am aware that most of the things i have wrote here can be found in similar words in MCTB, and yes its not a coincidence, because i read those sections and tried to see very carefully what i am going through and where i am at. There are probably other many things i havent come to realize that were happening, just because i couldnt match it from the maps.
At this point I dont think i had completed an insight cycle or had any cessations. I am probably dark nighting on and off for the past 1 and a half year, i am not emotionally balanced and have no proper guidance. And i wrote a resolution today, after doing so much practice and not having much insight, i am dissappointed. Here it goes.
-There is something which is very dear to my heart. Awakening, which i have read about 2 years ago, and started practicing since, and havent been able to really get any seeming benefit from it. This may be partly due to my lack of perspective of my progression from the time i started meditating, but i think there is a much more important thing to look at which prevented my progress. Which was the lack of consistency. While there are a lot of things that can be said about why wasn't i consistent and %100 involved with my practice, i think it would be much more useful if i can realize how much this thing is important for me, and show the necessary effort and consistency for the benefit of myself and every other being that exists. How can i do this ? Every and every and every moment should be my opportunity for practicing meditation. Every waking hour i should consciously try to be aware of what is happening, in body, mind, emotion, and everything else doesnt matter what as long as it is actually happening and appearing and disappearing in my sensory experience. I should dedicate myself to this as powerfully as possible, as sensitively as possible. This is very important for me. This is the most important thing for me. Try to remember this, you are not going to be feeling good all the time, there will be times when you just want everything to stop, everything that exist to not be in your experience. You are going to be so irritated that maybe you'll want to kill yourself. When this happens, you should remember that you KNEW that this was what could happen, and this too WILL pass, and you should bear it to the maximum level of your capability. Good luck, you can do this, trust in yourself, and trust the people that delivered this message to you, and smiling from the other side and want you to join the ranks of an enlightened one, and be AWARE.
Cringe enough ?
I have very deep trust that this community have very valuable members in the area of insight and meditation, and please know that i really would like to hear your advice. Should i go %100 or cool down ? Stop practicing and focus on emotional balance ? Is the main problem seems like being stuck in Dark Night and i should just go nuts on insight meditation ? Also, if the way i explained my experience is lacking in any sense please let me know and i will try to fill in the blanks. This is the first time i am communicating this stuff sooo.
