A place to record what I think about before, during or after a sit. 

I practise Goenka-style Vipassana. 6 years, last 2 years seriously. I've struggled with expressing my thoughts to my family so I thought this would be a good place to organize my thoughts before compiling them and 'laying it on them' so to speak.

Part of why I'm doing this is for anyone who is looking for a personal account of a Goenka student. I see a lot of new-age-y stuff from dilettantes and hostility from others who think it's too doctrinaire or severe. Not necessarily here but around. I found the first 10-day tough; I tell others it's the toughest thing I've ever done besides dealing with the death of my parents. Your mileage may vary. There will be more about this over time I think...

The first observation I want to make is the most valuable thing I got from the first course. I paraphrase "If there is anything you've heard here that you have trouble with, leave it aside and remember the technique". I am a firm believer that Buddhism has a ton of cultural accretion obscuring what Gotama was about. I spent years reading about Buddhism and not practising because I was raised Irish-Catholic (if you don't get what that means read 'Trinity' by Leon Uris) and had a very hard time putting down a lot of my core suppositions. It made me suspicious. I wasn't about to take on new ones in the guise of eastern mysticism.

Finally the day came when it became clear that I had to take the leap, because death by a thousand cuts still gets you dead it just takes longer than you'd like. I think I was lucky because the technique appears to have been made for me. Almost everything I experienced on my first course I was familiar with, in a range of different contexts. More on that later...

My understanding of the Path comes from some suttas, the Dhammapada and 3 or 4 books on neuroscience, all the other reading being a bit of a waste of time (ahem... Allan Watts...). I found MCTB a dozen years ago on-line and read it 3 times, back to back. It also has a lot to do with my views. However, I am not a big fan of the maps other than knowing they exist and as for claiming attainments... well... I believe whole-heartedly that scripting experiences is a thing, is hard to avoid and leads to much disputation etc. Not generally conducive to practise.

Having said that, at one point I finally realized that all that I thought I knew about Buddhism was wrong. The only good way to describe it is as if metaphor, or the ability to be metaphorical, had been deleted from the world. I believe I had not been putting enough concreteness in the words written by those who were describing the Path. I now think that what was being described was very very simple but the writers only had their personal internal experiences and an ancient vernacular with which describe them, a vernacular which tended to the mystical. Again, more on that later...

As for practise; 2 hours a day, morning and evening for the last year. I struggled getting up and running the first year with 1 hour a day but got that down by the 3rd course. It was hard. After serving a course I found the motivation to make room for 2 hours and now I only miss a sit for a specific good reason. Life sometimes trumps Path. No truck with laziness!!

Rapid progress (or change) began with the added hour. The morning sit usually introduces new territory and the evening sit develops on that base. Or not, but definitely there are fewer sticking points with a 2 hour per day regimen.

What I describe here will sound clinical. I try to avoid religious/spiritual/nebulous phraseology. If things change and the touchy-feely becomes necessary then I guess I'll adapt but until then I will be trying to avoid the words I see in various translated texts from days gone by. No-self will be a challenge. I'm not saying I'm special just that if I were to describe my experience right now it would be 'pressure in the temples, radiating over and behind the eyes, with waves of tingling through-out the body into the extremities', 'random thoughts about sexual urges manifesting physically in places other than the genitals' 'nerve nexus in the centre of the chest snapping' etc. I may refer to sankhara as short-hand for... more on that later.

Feel free to comment or ask questions, I will read them. I may not respond other than 'Hi. Thanks', don't be offended. If I see something that makes me go 'hmmm...' I'll acknowledge it. I'm not really here to discuss or argue, I get enough of that irl. I'm just thinking out loud.

Hi Kevin,
Welcome on the forum! (edit : I see that you were active on Dho more than ten years ago, on  a thread with a few ex-Goenkaites, so pardon me for assuming you were new here ...)
Looking forward to reading your log.
Coming from this tradition as well ...
with metta
smiling stone

So the format will be, for now, Practise update, History, Random Thoughts. I expect it will change, as all things do.

Practise: General deepening of concentration as has been the norm for about the last 2 - 2 1/2 years. Accompanied by ongoing exploration of my crop of sankhara. The bodily split is getting slightly less pronounced in the last 2 months. The 'thing on the side of my head' as I like to call it is still changing. Awareness of sensations is pretty continuous. Unless I am concentrating on a task requiring high precision or one that presents some amount of hazard I am aware of sensations on almost the entire body. Surface and a significant volume of the interior as well. Strangely this experience of sensations becomes quite intense when I am driving, an activity you would think requires significant concentration. Hmmm...
I have a sibling on the same path. I stopped giving them updates because the updates became pretty repetitive 'deepening concentration... intensifying sensations'. Today (20th) is a fine example. Sweeping is becoming more refined, sensations more intense. Based on this mornings activities I don't think they will be fading into the background at all going forward. Annica...
​​​​​​​
History: My first course was hard. The first sit in the morning is 2 hours and generally optional at the centre I attend. I sat in a chair due to a knee injury that makes cross-legged sitting impossible. After less than an hour I would be crippled for days. As it turned out the chair almost had the same effect. My entire body was screaming for relief by the time the chanting started. It was a unique experience of pain I have never encountered before nor care to again. Not the greatest start to day 1! I adapted by using cushions which I believe helped me, over the course, to achieve a deeper state of concentration than I otherwise could have. Learning to balance on a pillar of pillows while keeping your back straight is hard. While learning anapana as well is hard, on stilts.
A very definite moment occurred on day 2 when I knew I could complete the course. During the post-breakfast sit, just before the chant began, a voice in my head (more on that later...) said quite loudly and firmly "Loser! Loser!! LOSER!!!" It was very upsetting. For a few moments all I felt was defeat. Then I thought to myself 'fuck that...' and started over, concentrating on the feeling of breath on my upper lip. The chanting began. I left the dhamma hall still quite upset. I quickly calmed myself down and upon returning for the next sit I found that I could in fact focus my attention if I tried.

​​​​​​​Random Thoughts: The first course is indeed difficult. You are told this in the information provided and on my first course they took the trouble to actually ask 'Are you ready to do 100 hours of meditation, in silence?' On one course I attended, a new student quit on the afternoon of day 9, straight off the cushion and out to their room. I heard part of the discussion between them and the AT a bit later. The student was distraught, who knows why. Literally hours before Noble Silence ended, they left. My advice to anyone reading this who may consider doing a course: Be ready to face questions you never knew you had. Don't expect answers. If you are under care for personal issues this is probably not for you. Even if you are not under care for personal issues, you will face challenges you never knew you had. If you do go, follow the instructions, do not ad-lib. Also consider that by being accepted for the course someone else may not have been. Honor the opportunity.

Hello, Kevin. I'm looking forward to reading your comments!

Hi Smiling Stone
​​​​​​​Thanks!

Hi Chris
Thanks!

So, start a log and things happen that beg to be recorded. Who knew? Well then, to work...

Practise: Same as ever, deeper concentration...deeper sensation... however this afternoon's sit again went much deeper, such that at the moment my awareness of sensations is about where it would have been on the cushion a few months ago. My head is a balloon, I feel I am radiating heat like a light-bulb and as I type I feel the 'pressure' in my head slowly moving down my body. Trunk, arms, legs. On course they talk about vibrations but I describe them as pressure, tingling, heat or a few other things. Anyway, it continues. A side effect of progress like this is I sometimes pause what I'm doing and just spend a few moments being equanimous, wherever I am. It must seem strange to bystanders seeing my best imitation of a pylon. Practise never stops!

History: Day 3 of the first course we left anapana and began vipassana. Marathon sit of 2 hours while we followed the instruction. Not knowing what to expect I was surprised when I immediately recognized the sensations that came up during this sit. Finding that I could control the focus of my attention to such a fine degree was a small revelation. There were some blank areas and I struggled to flow smoothly but by the end of the instruction I was eager to return to the hall and begin again, butt complaints notwithstanding. This is where the real work began, anapana being merely a preliminary tool to get to the main event.

​​​​​​​Random Thoughts: Over the years I have wondered about various strange experiences that hinted at bodily processes that were opaque to my everyday attention. When one of my parents died I experienced grief, of course. Unfortunately I got the news from a several hour old answering machine message after a night out with some friends. In an almost out-of-body experience I simultaneously slumped to my knees, began weeping and watched myself react in a very detached frame of mind. It occurred to me that my reaction was not due to remembrance of things past or of a feeling of great loss; I was not particularly close to my parent. It seemed that my reaction was a program response, one that happens quite normally at times like this, one that will proceed according to plan and then resolve. This feeling stayed with me until after the funeral. The experience of being somewhat disconnected from my reactions did not seem at all abnormal.  My reactions did not seem at all abnormal. Another time, long after and unrelated, I was out in my new minimalist sandals. It had rained earlier and I was walking by a park where they had not yet cut the grass, so it was almost up to my knees. I decided to walk through the grass just to see how it would feel on my legs. I shuffled into the field with the wet grass brushing my legs and by the time I had taken a dozen broad steps I broke down and began weeping uncontrollably. To this day I have no idea why. We embody our entire lives and are only aware of a tiny fraction of the experiences that go into making us what we are. Thinking this is one thing, feeling it is another.

Of course things change, of course...

Practise: Both sits today were quite intense. Free flowing attention and major reactions throughout the body. The pressure is climbing up the back of my head, into the center and settling there for a moment then pushing out into the body. It generally follows the sweeping. Concentration is increasing as well. A 'big one' is coming somewhere down the road. The 'thing on the side of my head' is getting really intense, even when not sitting. I'm beginning to wonder if this will be a gentle release or a major explosion. The map of sankharas is getting a bit more refined but still follows the pattern of injuries. My right leg tingles at random constantly (oxymoron?) as does the orbit of my right eye and my right wrist, these occasionally.

History: Day 4 and 5 of the first course were uneventful. Practising sweeping and trying to eliminate blank areas, trying to figure out how to get through stickiness, struggling with up vs. down. From the beginning down was much harder than up! It was slow and stalled frequently. I also struggled with extending the sweep out the arms to the fingertips. In general slow progress was being made. Then came Day 6.
The morning of Day 6 was unremarkable. The afternoon sit was something else. I was doing my best, content that I had made progress with my arms when I took a break, just sitting without any effort. I noticed a tingle on the top of my left thigh and began to pay attention to it. It began to grow of it's own volition and I remember thinking 'ok, take me there...' and in a flash the tingle covered my entire body, pushed up into my head and ka-BAM! Everything changed. It was like a breaker blew and I vanished, the world vanished, experience became a null. It still puzzles me. I've been knocked unconscious, had my bell rung as well. This was unique. There was a pulse in my head, then there was nothing, then there was me again. Then there was sorrow. I doubled over and wept for about 10 minutes, barely managing to keep from balling and disturbing those around me. At one point I remember one AT whispered to the other '...a big one'. When I regained my composure I started practising again and in a short while the sit ended. I went to my room and let out what was left of the event. After this, I learned to carry tissue in my pockets to keep myself from leaking all over myself as emotion would swell up again and again over the remainder of the course. There was a similar reaction on the morning of Day 10 just before Noble Silence ended that began as I was walking around outside. No blankness this time just a rush of sensation then emotion. For weeks after this course I felt good. Not amazing, not joyful, nothing very intense but a deep 'good'-ness. It eventually faded, as did the proficiency with the technique that I had developed. Big mistake not following the recommended 2 hours per day. It wasn't until the 3rd course I got my groove back on the cushion. Hindsight is 20/20.

Random Thoughts: In 2010 I found a book by Thomas Metzinger titled 'The Ego Tunnel: The science of the mind and the myth of the self'. He is a philosopher. The book talks about advances in our understanding of how the brain works and how our minds manifest. The book is very interesting, outlining the history of neuroscience through stories of medical investigations and experiments carried out by researchers. The two things about this book that stayed with me most were his mentioning Antonio Damasio and his works and the implications of creating artificial consciousness. The 3 latest works by Damasio are well worth reading for anyone who wonders what consciousness is from a scientific viewpoint, and the question raised by artificial consciousness is one of morality:
"...The phenomenal property of selfhood will be exemplified in the artifical system, and it will appear to itself not only as being someone but also as being there. It will believe in itself.
   Note that this transition turns the artificial system into an object of moral concern. It is now potentially able to suffer. Pain, negative emotions , and other internal states portraying parts of reality as undesirable can act as causes of suffering only if they are consciously owned..." The italics are the author's.

Maybe walking in the long grass subconsciously reminded you of being a child?

Well, that was interesting...

Practise: Using the adjectives 'intense' and 'deeper' would be redundant, true but redundant. I'm loathe to use metaphor but there is one I think is apt. We have all at one time or another slept wrong and put our arm or leg 'to sleep'. We also have experienced the discomfort occurring as it 'wakes up', so to speak. That is what this feels like, on a more or less global scale. (Note: next time your arm goes to sleep on you try raising it as it comes back. The discomfort will be greatly reduced or eliminated. Same goes for your leg, but that looks strange in a public place.) Also accompanying these sensations is a definite buzz (vibration??) at times and a lot of heat. Twice, an area behind my eyes snapped with a not quite sharpness, violent enough to make me start. The 'thing on the side of my head' is now a constant companion.

History: Near the end of the course you are instructed to go inside with your attention. I was lucky. Almost immediately I was able to pass throught my body in any direction. At least for a while. As I said I got out of practise pretty quickly once I returned home. I asked the AT two questions on the first course. I paraphrase: 'Is this really what I am feeling?' and 'What the hell was that?!'. The first answer was basically 'You are not imagining this, if it feels like something it is. Keep practising' and the second answer was 'That was sankhara. Sometimes there is emotional content, sometimes not. Keep practising'. I have found that the ATs tend toward concision. This was a bit frustrating for me at first but now I think I understand why and find I appreciate it.

Random Thoughts: Oobleck is a thing, a very strange thing. It is the colloquial name for a certain colloidal solution made from cornstarch and water that demonstrates the properties of a non-newtonian fluid. Google it. Slowly push your fist into a bucket of the stuff and your fist sinks. Punch into it quickly and it stops on the surface. That is what attention feels like when sweeping. Try forcing what you feel and the 'feels' push back. Be gentle and you go deeper. Easy to say, hard to do. Like consoling a distraught child...

Hi George

The 'why' is unimportant
​​​​​​​Thanks

Let's get this party started...

Practise: Many days away but practise continues. As the intensity of sensation grows I've found that achieving the needed subtlety to sweep/sense the sensations is getting easier. Maybe it is actually staying the same but feels more subtle in contrast to the sensations? More questions... Globally I have the feelings of pressure and tingling in increasing and varying degrees. This is not always simultaneously constant over the whole body but does occur on all areas, including internally, or at least 95%(?). Hard to really say as I try not to concentrate too much on examining it closely. The somewhat freaky part is what is going on inside my head. There are definite locations I would associate with internal brain structures having what appear to be vibratory sensations and these are concurrent with perceptual anomalies. These began 2 days ago and have been increasing in intensity and regularity, such that I am thinking about the impact on my ability to control vehicles. A time may come...

History: The second course was a challenge and in hindsight a valuable lesson. From the start I had real trouble concentrating. This was due to my lack of consistent practise and another student (but really it's all on me!). The other student had a habit of swallowing air and belching softly for minutes at a time. Lacking sufficient discipline I could not ignore his sounds. Around day 6 he finally stopped but by then I was almost ready to leave. My attempt to avoid using the chairs at the center resulted in a strained muscle in my hip from sitting on a cushion on a box I had brought with me. All in all it became a trial of patience that motivated me to commit to a more consistent practice. The only real event of note was a couple of short interactions with what I fear was a sociopath. The way they acted with me and a few others I overheard, after Noble Silence ended, set off alarm bells with me immediately. At one point this student was speaking with another, a 'life coach', about the course and content and it seemed like a jousting match between two confidence men. Perhaps I'm wrong, better cautious...

​​​​​​​Random Thoughts: In 'The Strange Order of Things' Antonio Damasio proposes that feelings precede and are an integral part of the process of consciousness. He makes a good argument. Feelings reveal inner states that need to be attended to and the integration of those feelings with the stream of sensory data allows appropriate responses to those feelings. My explanation pales, you need to read the book. Also related is 'The Hidden Spring' by Mark Solms. It seems to me that the concept of sankhara pretty much agrees with the ideas these scientists present. Modern neuroscience catching up to ancient wisdom.

Back from a big break...

Practise: Progress continues. Today I found myself wondering about jhana as things changed yet again in my experience during the sit, then I let it go as it was unimportant. Some random tingling in areas not unexpected and a few sharp pains that made me jump. Other than that just what I call progress, things changing, the 'thing on the side of my head' changing, my observation changing. The pressure I feel in response to observation does appear to be increasing in intensity and taking on a quality I'll call smoothness. The border between it and non-pressure becoming less distinct, and of course moving all the time. Like a flow. Interesting as always.

History: The third course was quite productive. It turned out I was the most experienced student! The center is not very old so... On the first morning I sat for the full 2 hours and by the end entered a state of bliss I had never achieved before. I half-assumed this was due to endorphins as at the end it was quite a chore to stand up. Three events of note occurred. First, I asked the AT about anapana at home and he said 'no need unless you have trouble focusing, continue with vipassana'. Second, on the fourth(?) day I achieved what I call clearness over my entire body. This being that the flow of observation was completely unobstructed on one full sweep, then the sensations changed to various pressure, tingling etc. gradually to cover the entire body again. The third was the next day as during a sit an energetic activation of my entire body occurred accompanied by what appeared to be a bright light in my perception, which imagination turned into a shaft running up my spine from my hara to the top of my head. My body felt hardened and sweeping revealed nothing, as in no change in feeling or sensation anywhere. I swept for some time but nothing changed, I remained energized and hard. The bell for the end of the session sounded and it dissipated as I began moving around. This continued to happen for the next day or so until by doing patient sweeping it gradually dissipated and sensations returned. Whatever was opening up was complete I guess. At the end of the course the student who sat beside me paid me a compliment saying I had inspired him to try harder. Apparently I sat like a stone for the entire course. Adhitthana has been very important to me since that course.

Random Thoughts: The thought about jhana brought to mind an attitude I've tried to cultivate since I began sitting seriously. When I find myself struggling I remember two things Goenka keeps repeating after the chant that begins the sessions: 'just observe' and 'keep moving'. This is an interesting dynamic. Observe would seem to imply that you let your attention rest on some object of interest. Move implies just what it says, movement; in this case movement of your attention. This sounds just like a flow state:
"In positive psychology, a flow state, also known colloquially as being in the zone, is the mental state in which a person performing some activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity", from Wikipedia.
The enjoyment part may be subjective. There is no woo in what we do, we just don't understand it fully. I do however trust that those who came before aren't kidding when they say it's worth the effort.

Of solo cups, ice cream headaches and enlightenment...

Practise: I struggle with describing what is going on during sits and by extension in the mundane world. I hesitate to use the common descriptions I see on DhO because for me they don't really correlate with my experiences, in that they seem more nebulous signpost than description. So, how to describe what I feel besides the tingling, pressure and heat/cold I've mentioned before? Try common experience, like an ice cream headache. That is very similar to my mind what I feel while scanning without the feeling of overwhelming pain that can accompany a overly large swallow of ice cream or very cold water. Another example is this: imagine you are holding a solo cup full of water in your dominant hand. You are carrying a heavy suitcase in the other hand. Now, you must open a swinging door with a pull-handle. There is no table nearby on which to place the cup. So... you hold the cup with 2 fingers while trying to pull the door with the other fingers of the same hand. Very possible, not the best solution but I've done it without spilling the water or crushing the cup. That combination of tension and relaxed control is very much what scanning can be like. A third example: I play guitar. Learning guitar means moving your chording fingers very precisely from one shape to another. To really establish the muscle memory I repeat the change(s) very slowly 10... 15... 20 times then take a break. Repeat several times. I can feel the effect in my hand, my arm, my body... my brain! Frustration is not just an emotional response, there is a real physical component. There you have reactivity. That's just part of what is going on.

History: My 4th retreat was suppose to be the Satipatthanna course. It was cancelled by COVID. Well pooh, now what? I had taken 3 weeks vacation and that was to be my start. So I decided that I would try and sit twice a day for the duration since I had the time. My practise began to change quite quickly. The ease and touch of scanning became more subtle and I began to notice two things which for me turned out to be of great importance. First I began to recall the repetition of experiences I had started seeing while on the third course. There was a cycle to what was happening. Second, I noticed that the sensations that were changing as I scanned were not what I was first observing! My observation was as a gentle touch, like a faint breath on skin, to the area being examined while the actual gross sensation (pressure, heat etc.) came immediately afterward. The gap was virtually imperceptible but becoming apparent. This combined with the ooblek principle changed how I practised. I was too lazy at that time to continue the 2 sit per day practise once back to work but it let me know that insight isn't necessarily a nebulous concept, difficult to grasp. A great bit of motivation.

Random Thoughts: What is enlightenment? An overused term in the west. The connotations often assigned render it almost meaningless to me. Am I enlightened? I am on the Path. I see it's affects and have no doubt that it is good. My life is better than before. My first exposure to Buddhism talked about the 4 path model. When I read the description now I could say I fit the requirements: Sotopanna Kevin! HAha... Who cares. I'm not knocking anyones claims here but when that thought occurs to me I remember that in the end we're all space dust. Is my life improving? Am I improving the lives of those around me? Is my ability to distinguish between the two improving? Is my definition of improving improving? I practise because I will probably never get it right and practise makes perfect. Yoda almost got it right. There is only try.../data/user/0/com.samsung.android.app.notes/files/clipdata/clipdata_bodytext_220713_202910_006.sdocx

Again, with feeling...

Practise: It's been an intense week. Several release events that sent waves of intense sensation throughout the body. Some ping-ponging of sensations, like ripples caroming off the interior of a vessel (except in 3D) begins most sits now, then things settle down to regular sweeping. The sweeping gets subtler still, almost to the point that there is no sense of contact between the sensor and the point of contact. The 'thing on the side of my head' is still resisting. It changes sometimes from solid to void to very faint tingle to sharp pain or some such but always returns to solid. The split between left and right side of the body is more pronounced but more due to dissimilar change in sensation than actual quality, for instance left will feel light and airy with easy sweep while right will be lumpy, easy here hard there. When a release happens it tends to be more focused in the middle and spreads out from there than before when a release would be quite localized. All in all the experience during a sit is of progress into the body, a bit deeper with each sit. Much easier to see than even 3 weeks ago.

History: The 4th course actually came after COVID restrictions were relaxed. I went to serve. It was pretty stressful because I did not receive any real instruction on what to do, other than a loose-leaf binder containing some rules and general expectations. The first few days were a grind with little sleep. Luckily there were only 14 male students. On day 2 I had a release in the left chest area that resulted in a feeling of joy so profound I wept. Quietly of course, I was sitting at the front of the hall. How lucky these students are to find the dhamma so early in life! I spoke to the AT about this because it felt like I was using the students I was responsible for as a way to boost my ego. The AT said 'Some ATs have trouble with this as well. Don't dwell on it.' The next day I had another release, purely emotional not physical, related to the thing on the side of my head, that really rocked me. Two realizations came from this: The little voice inside my head tells some hard truths and generational trauma goes deep into the past. Later that day during an optional sit I was in the hall feeling restless and gave up, just sitting on my stool. Sorrow rose up and I had to leave for the washroom as I was losing it again. I came to realize then that the chain of pain is breathtakingly long and trying to assign responsibility is futile. The rest of the retreat was good and productive. It was after this that I began sitting twice a day.

Random Thoughts: Sankhara (however you spell it) seems to have so many meanings it's hard to pin it down. Like dukkha. There must be a good reason for that. I think the meaning changes as you progress. Such a compound phenomenon into one word is tough but you have to say something. So this sensation here is sankhara... why is it here? From experience... What experience? Who knows, it doesn't really matter, it's just there... Now it's gone... Here comes another... It's different... Really?... Doesn't matter it's gone... Here comes another... and another... Boring? Hardly/data/user/0/com.samsung.android.app.notes/files/clipdata/clipdata_bodytext_220719_220244_703.sdocx

I wrote this several days ago, things have progressed... Annica

Practise: The blurred edges of the pressure have over the last few days become more indistinct, to the point that there are no definite boundaries anymore. There is a continuum of sensation that varies in intensity from almost nothing to something that feels a bit like a fold being pressed into the skin, itself varying in intensity. Keep in mind that this is not just surface sensation but 3 dimensional. The sweep is still being refined. Observation seems most efficient went it is maintained on the border of volition, if that makes sense. I feel I make the most progress when I try to approach the boundary of voluntary control of the observation. I would characterize this as trying to keep the act of observation underneath the sensation itself. The amount of effort required to be conscious of the progress of observation passing any given point is generally inversely proportional to the intensity of the experience observed, depending on where I am in a cycle. The cycling that is occurring is from fine sensation to intense sensation then an event, then restarting. 

History: The chronological progress of my practise is about done now. There are stories that will need to be told that don’t need to be placed into a temporal pattern to make sense so from here on it’s just Practise and Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts:

What is vipassana? Insight
What is insight? (from Dictionary.com)
Definition of insight
Noun
-    an instance of apprehending the true nature of a thing, especially through intuitive understanding
-    penetrating mental vision or discernment; faculty of seeing into inner character or underlying truth

So, apprehending the true nature of what? Generally speaking, Reality™. From here it is usual to segue into the 3 Characteristics. Well, what about taking a half-step back and asking how the actual act of apprehension takes place?

In my practise I am seeing my sensation(s) from my perspective with my senses. It started with developing concentration by focussing on the breath sensations externally. This proceeded to the discovery that there were sensations on my skin that occur continuously and that I was not consciously aware of them before. At first I was suspicious that I was somehow fooling myself by generating these sensations but as I progressed it became clear that what I was observing was a previously unnoticed process occurring without my intention. Perhaps like breathing(!). Being a rationalist I pondered what this could be and naturally thought of the electrochemical activity of the nervous system. Goenka alludes to this in his discourses but does not develop it much. This notion stayed with me and developed further as my practise progressed. To be brief, what I think am doing is becoming aware of the processes that generate subjective experience by developing my ability to observe what is happening in my physical systems as consciousness manifests. The end result of becoming completely aware of this process is the act of enlightenment in that once one sees the process in action one can no longer support the position that ‘I’ exist outside the process. 

Start with a process that is autonomic and yet voluntary (limited to the needs of life of course); breathing. This is the gateway to perceiving other autonomic functions. Describing them is going to be difficult because it is not common to be able to observe internal processes outside of the conscious external experience of pain, nausea, joy, euphoria etc. Work your way up the chain to see how system activity generates all experience. Part of that chain is the interface between the external environment and the processing systems wet-ware, so to speak. Eventually you will be able to observe mind itself being generated as an experience. To be plain: we are meat-machines. I am starting from the periphery and moving into the core, the brain. I assume that something like noting is moving from the brain and the higher function realm out to the periphery. This makes sense to me. I'm sure someone somewhere, even here, has said this before. Daniel Ingram mentions in passing some physical phenomenon in MCTB that correlate somewhat to what I see in my practise. 

Annica – processes/experiences continuously instantiate and terminate out of physical systems in order to maintain homeostasis: impermanence/change

Dukkha – processes/experiences do not last nor permanently resolve that which is required to maintain homeostasis: unsatisfactoriness/suffering

Anatta – processes/experiences instantiate or terminate a 'doer' to facilitate homeostasis: non-self 

As I mentioned in my first post, part of the problem I see with Buddhism as presented by some is that it comes from a primitive context that took certain spiritual precepts as self-evident and it has not shed the mystical trappings of the many environments in which it developed. These trappings are what I found and to some extent still find in most writing and conversation on Buddhism. In the Goenka course I still see some of these trappings but the emphasis in practise is on the technique so I can ignore most of these issues. Kalapa? Re-incarnation? Rebirth in realms? These are not the contents of my experience so I rarely give them any thought. Pondering is unproductive.

'But is that not what this whole discourse is?!' you may say.
Sure. I may also be completely wrong.
​​​​​​​I'm ok with that...

You can't always get what you want...
​​​​​​​
Practise: Late sit today was interesting in that on occasion the sweep just swept, all by itself. I'm not sure if I was expecting this or not. I must say it took me a bit by surprise so I will assume I was not expecting it. Sensation is still pretty much constant every waking moment and changing subtley in each area. The sensations that I have become familiar with like the thing on the side of my head have taken on new characteristics, the most noticeable of which is how they vary as I try to relax while observing them. Recently I have been able to dial down the intensity at will. This is quite welcome because at times it feels like someone is trying to push a blunt object through my skull at the level of the temples. The bodily left/right split is doing strange things too. Whereas before the 'feel' of the sensations on either side would kinda swap around now they stay pretty much as they are but as the overall system level of excitation (I'll call it) increases they are coming closer together in 'feel'. The top of the chain in my head is also starting to expand and connect more readily to the base of the spine/genital area, the hara. I've started getting little flashes of light and shooting pains here and there a bit more often as well. Not unexpected.

Random Thoughts: On my first course I overheard a comment by one of the students which made me so sad. They were in discussion with the AT about taking part in the vipassana instruction, which was about to begin. They were being given the player that some used to hear discourses, apparently the AT thought they were not ready for vipassana yet. The student said, with some distress "... but I want it so bad!" Hard to hear. It ended well though, they we all smiles by the end of the course so I assume they made sufficient progress to get the hang of the technique. This came to mind during my sit today when the sweep did it's own thing. "Don't want this..." It helped, a bit.

Practise: Over the past few days I have been struggling with ooblek. Reactivity. It is again becoming apparent that the harder I try the harder things get. Strangely easy to intellectualize but difficult to be mindfull of in practise. As I stated before, progress seems to occur when my sweep is on the edge of volition. I am slowly approaching the edge, like a dust mote approaching a black hole, orbiting asymptotically, and it is tough going. One thing that helps is the idea that this is a type of healing and it must be done gently, like a mother caressing a distressed child; she may not know what the problem is, she just knows that comfort is needed while her child works out whatever is causing the upset. It's hard because I am the mother and child. The thing on the side of my head has started to change remarkably. For the longest time I was afraid that it would become something I had to live with, like hemorroids or a bad back. Now it appears to be changing into something I feel could be manageable. There are shooting pains around my eye, jaw and cheek. The feeling of the right side being crushed in a vise while I am reading can become spectacular and hard to be with but that appears to be what is required. This is again obviously the result of progress in my sitting manifesting while off the cushion.

As for off the cushion... There is no 'off the cushion' anymore. The process continues every waking moment. It has happened so slowly I cannot say when it became continuous. Just before COVID started I began trying to concentrate whenever I had an idle moment. Soon I became aware of sensations while driving, then while on transit, then while reading, then during idle conversation... Slowly it became always. The cushion is for new territory and the rest of my time is for practise. So many stories talk about continuous practise and now I have an idea what they were getting at.
​​​​​​​
Random Thoughts: On the course you are advised to seek advice if you are not seeing progress. What that progress is you are not told explicitly. One person I know is very frustrated by this and I see why. It is easy to stall at any point during this process and struggle mightily. I have been stalled at times. I don't really know if what I am doing is 'correct' however it seems to me that my temperment is suited to this situation. I once had a discussion with a friend about politics where they decried the lack of critical thinking in the general public. I have heard this before and found it to be their passive way of stating "I'm right and they're wrong". So this time I offered my view of what critical thinking was, in a nut-shell: I can always be wrong, and the work that that mindset implies. My friend seemed a bit confused. Our relationship is long but it wasn't until a few years ago I began to realize how much my friend sees the world with blinders. Their life is a game that they must win, even in the inconsequential details. This insight is one of those hidden things that once you see you cannot un-see, like the arrow in the FedEx logo. This and other small things have turned my friend into whole new person to me, while at the same time the same old person. It took a while before I got my head around the idea that they were always like this and the only thing that has changed is my view. I can see what they struggle with daily and some measure of the upset it causes them. I can see it in me. It engenders my compassion. To me that is progress. Having said that, I may also be wrong...

Your practice sounds really good.

I was also touched by your description of the difference in perspective that has grown between you and your friend. I have had similar experiences recently, accompanied by the odd sensation of knowing that my current perspective cannot be explained over a beer, or an evening, because it is not a verbally explainable difference. I think your instinct for compassion is what is needed. But, as you say, I could be wrong... :-)

Hi Martin
​​​​​​​Thanks!

Everything is practise...
Sensation is a continuum from head to toe varying in intensity from vanishingly light to oppressively hard; from dull 'there-ness', to ache, to sharp sting. In general physical terms it is a map of my lifetime of major and not so major injuries. I can label each area with the incident that gave rise to its sensation and in some cases with the emotional valence associated to it. I feel that the emotional content of most of these has been integrated to a large extent with some exceptions, primarily 'the thing on the side of my head', but that process is ongoing and my view may need to be amended in the future. 

The Thing On The Side Of My Head
At the end of the first course the right side of my face burned on and off for days. Eventually the sensation faded away. For the next couple of years it would make occasional appearances but with my level of practise being so low and the fact that I had not given up my bad habits this wasn't surprising. When I finally stopped drinking and smoking dope, and got serious about sitting every day, the burning started making more regular appearances. Over time I began sitting every day and twice a day on weekends. When COVID lock-downs were introduced I happened to be scheduled for a retreat but with the retreat cancelled I figured I might as well sit twice a day for the time I had booked off. By the end of that 3 week period TTOTSOMH was a permanent fixture. It started with a burning itch over the tear duct of my right eye, then spread over my cheek bone, down the back of my jaw, up into my temple. Eventually I felt a nexus behind my right eye just in from the cheekbone, literally inside my skull. Over time TTOTSOMH began to take on a life of its own. I could not sit and read without it being present and it gradually became more intense. Sometimes it would move like a living thing inside me. Sometimes it rendered most of my right cheek numb. Sometimes it felt like doom... You get the picture.

I am interested in almost everything science so I have a dilettante's knowledge in a very wide range of subjects. Naturally I looked to the human nervous system to see what was behind the eye, in from the cheekbone, inside the skull and found the trigeminal nerve. The illustration in Wikipedia of the nerve and its network over the face is a map I am intimately familiar with. The first time I had heard about this nerve was in the context of 'the suicide disease' - trigeminal neuralgia. Disturbing to say the least.

I know when this started. In my adolescence in what I will call a tense situation I received a slap to the face; I remember it vividly. It is the only slap I have ever received. Over the years the memory has come back from time to time but I never dwelt on it, it was just one of those things. Looking back now I can't help but feel that the slap changed the course of my life. Now you could say the same about any given event for anybody I guess. However, once the memory of this event came to the forefront of my thoughts, things started to happen in my practise that I was not expecting. Apparently I had unresolved issues whose consequences had to be dealt with to make any more progress. I do not dwell on 'issues' when I sit. Thoughts arise and pass away and I observe them, with equanimity, just as I do sensations. When TTOTSOMH was ready, it bore fruit. I received an education in human nature that cannot be fully put into words. It hurt for days. I wept because I hurt, I wept for the person who hit me and their hurt, I wept for humanity and its hurt. Even now I weep occasionally but it's gotten much better. Definite progress.

It is still there now along with all the other sensations. Sankhara being peeled away and it is a big one. Slowly it is being subsumed into whatever this process is working toward. Looking at this from a purely clinical POV, the trigeminal nerve terminates in the pons, just below the midbrain, at the top of the spinal cord. This general area is where some current neuroscientists theorize that the seat of consciousness resides. Receiving a gross stimulation directly into this area accompanied by high emotional content cannot help but influence one's development in profound ways. Having said that, I can also imagine the myriad little stimulations anywhere on the body, with or without emotional valence, that we unceasingly process over the course of our lives, that influence our consciousness. Our concepts of self and reality are built around these external influences. Yet there is one other factor to consider: mind. What influence does it have? At this point mine boggles…

So what has been happening? The 'pressure' is settled into the shape of my body, varying in intensity based on location. TTOTSOMH is getting more intense and changeable. The idea of being able to get underneath the sensations being observed, while scanning, has proven useful in keeping the process going. At the times where the pressure seems like a bit too much I recognize that I am pushing and remember to relax into the sweep where progress continues. It has become so reliable that I'm beginning to feel it is the answer to some unknown question.

A few days ago during a sit I almost fell off my stool but managed to catch myself before it was too late. Immediately afterward I experienced an event, I saw some flashes of light that gradually faded, the sweep felt like it was going to a deeper level, the pressure in my head spread from the hardness on the right side into the softness on the left and down the left side of my body. This is only remarkable because I have had similar occurrences, minus the flashing lights, that felt like succumbing to fatigue while still alert. I've wondered if it was really my 'me' just relaxing a bit. Weirdness...

While off the cushion, at rest, the pressure in my head will build and dissipate repeatedly. Tingles will occur, usually on my legs, some goose-flesh occasionally on my arms. I've begun to notice that my face will flush from time to time. My vision is affected, or so it seems. It's hard to tell if it's what I see or how I'm seeing it that I'm noticing. It's not constant, usually when I'm relaxed. I feel that there will come a time when these strange phenomenon will no longer be the exception but the usual. This causes a bit of apprehension at times when I wonder how these experiences will change and what other unknowns are coming. I try to remember to remain equanimous...

FWIW, my sense is that many of the "strange effects" of meditation are simply the result of developing a finer awareness and becoming aware of stuff that is already happening.

Hi George

Yes. Fewer unknown unknowns.

​​​​​​​Thanks

I used to send semi-regular updates to a friend and fellow traveller until I realized that it had become a litany of '...this strange thing happened today...'. I'd rather avoid that here. Otherwise it becomes a field of weeds in later reference.

So. Over the last 5 days insight has progressed from semi-unfocused sweeping that generates a field of sensations, through sweeping that defines very specific pathways through the body, and back to a more generalized focus with much greater penetration and intensity. When I first began it was basically the surface of the skin, progressing to general sensation external with some internal, next a very interesting period of sensing specific sensations in specific areas, for instance over the course of one sit examining my internal organs; heart, lungs, intestine, genitals, kidney. The kidney was special due to the fact that I have only one, the other being removed for reasons I won't go into. I was able to 'see' the void of the missing organ althought that may be primarily due to the nerve damage done by the operation to remove it.

Speaking of nerves... At one point this week I was tracing the major branches of my nervous system for several minutes. This was most interesting while it lasted, until progressing to today's sit where the sensing moved from the trunks so to speak out onto the branches. A nice metaphor I think I'll use some more. As I type the twigs and leaves are doing various things: sizzling, itching, humming, tingling. This has been coming and going at various intensities for the last 3 or 4 days and I expect it will become persistent over the next few. On my first course I was less than strict with my attention and noticed one woman who was going through something, after about day 3. By day 6 or 7 it was obvious she was in something like distress, but she was persevering. Perhaps a glimpse of the future? Well, by day 9 she had a smile that could light the dhamma hall!

My sweeping up into the head has gotten very intense. I've been pretty good at keeping the balance between head and body thus far I think. As the head ramps up so does the body. The real challenge has become balancing left and right. There are different areas of sensation but there is also a definite split side to side. I believe this is due to my history of injury. My missing kidney is on the right. I have multiple injuries on the right side: ankle, knee, hip, ribs, shoulder, ear (infection/rupture). I have suffered a fractured liver, broken several ribs on the right, fractured my right shoulder-blade, suffered hyper-elevation of my right shoulder, injured my right wrist (left as well). I'm a mess! I mention this because it feeds into my partial interpretation of sankhara. There is a difference in how the body reacts to observation of the, say, right leg vs. left leg. My ankle and knee injuries were not insignificant and they have left their imprint on my nervous system. There is a phenomenon called guarding or muscle guarding which I believe is a flavour of sankhara. In peeling away this (these) sankhara I am slowly regaining normal function of my leg. I can feel my gait change, partially in reaction to exercise. I have been a runner, biker, casual athlete all my life. I recognize exercise modified performance. Sankhara is something else related to deeper function. Another for instance: my sense of smell, which was almost non-existent, is now capable of grabbing my attention, something which happened extremely rarely in the past. So rarely that I recollect specific instances, like the first time I smelled an orange, at 23 yo. It's like a pathway that was dormant has been pried open a bit.

Every day is something new, in small increments. Sometimes a big blast goes through. My steady-state experience is no longer what it was when I began but I struggle to describe it. It is however good.

It has been a while since my last update. Primarily because any changes that have occurred were more in magnitude than novelty. That ended this morning when something new happened. The right/left split of the body that has been the norm for many months has gone and is now a unity of left and right that has a gradient in sensation. It is strange in that what I am feeling has remained very similar to before but there is now no need to try and focus on experiencing both sides simultaneously, it just occurs naturally. At the time, it felt like something just slid into place. TTOTSOMH is also beginning to integrate into the field of experience and rather than feeling like a separate part of what is happening, it is becoming just another aspect of it. 

Other than the new development things remain largely the same. Constant experiencing of sensations over the body. A great deal of sensation in the head and face accompanied by a sort of movement. Crescendos of sensation followed by slow dissipation. Sometimes nothing at all. At times, I remind myself of the refuge taken in the Triple Gem that is part of the retreat. This helps a great deal when the pressure in my head is peaking and fear begins to creep in. This too will change. 

The above was written several days ago. Today my sit was intense, most of the day was intense, I expect tomorrow will be intense. Whatever change is occurring is doing so largely on its own. My head is a balloon with pressure points near my right cheekbone and behind my eyes. The cheekbone fairly sizzles sometimes and the pressure behind the eyes sometimes moves up into my forehead and back. My experience of the world is shifting in ways hard to discern so describing them would be pointless. Sometimes my thoughts are things to be examined as if in a movie. Otherwise my mind is remarkably quiet as compared to say, last week. I get sharp pains in areas not usually sore but these fade. I am sometimes vividly aware of the sensations of just moving through the world. 

At the end of todays sit I was one big bag of 'energy'. My right side still felt different than the left but it was part of a field of experience, not separate in any way. I imagine this is activation of most of the nervous pathways in my body. As I write I can feel it. Not as intense as this AM but there. It will fade if I get up to do the dishes but if I try to relax into it, it will come back even stronger. At times it will come back on its own. Equaniminty is the act of trying not to interfere with it in any way; my level of proficiency varies. There is a tinge of fear in the background of my curiousity because of the unknown here but I just look at my little Buddha on the shelf and remind myself that someone has been here before. 

I do not remember where or when I first heard ‘when the student is ready, the teacher will appear’. In the back of my mind I always wondered when my teacher would show up. I recently finished listening to ‘In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction’ by Gabor Mate, M.D. A book that I cannot recommend highly enough, everyone should read it. At one point he writes (I paraphrase) ‘when the student is ready, teachers will appear’. A subtle difference but very important I think.

No longer do I really practise vipassana. I used to practise on the cushion, then on the bus, on the train, waiting in line, reading, listening etc. Now, there are no longer any pauses between these sessions. I am ‘vipassana-ing’ continuously, unless I am asleep and I suspect it is occurring even then. I now recall my dreams far more often and in more detail than what was normal even, say, 6 months ago. What has this got to do with a teacher? While it is good, indeed necessary, to have an experienced guide to consult when things get sideways, the opportunity to develop is always there. Each experience is a teacher. It has taken years to get to this point and somewhat humbling to have this realization. I’m still really a novice, beginning again each moment.

Once I got out of my own way many things came up that I thought were long in the past. I am grateful that they have because now I can see how they were not dealt with appropriately. Not to say that I have resolved them completely but now I can work on them with a bit more skill and maybe some day they will no longer cause me to do what I did in the past; the victim of my own reactivity.

On course, at the end, we are taught metta. At the end of each remaining sit we did 5 minutes of metta. At home I was somewhat lackadaisical but slowly I have learned that it is just as important as anything else. Do your metta and remember to include yourself!

Nice! Congratulations on this amazing insight.

Thanks Chris!

Yay!
My motivation has come back. In bits and pieces, but over the past 2 weeks I've gotten off my butt enough to make progress on chores and projects that have languished for varying lengths of time ranging from weeks to over a year. Nothing life changing, but doing the bare minimum each day then zoning out was getting oppressive.

My head is always pulsing. Tendrils of the pulses range down into the extremities. Bouts of tingling come and go. Discursive thought is generally less and tends to focus on whatever I am currently involved in. Day-dreaming has decreased too, unless I'm in the part of the cycle where sexual impulses dominate but even that has become easier to choose to deal with. My ears are starting to burn more. During metta things go deep into my chest. It feels correct. Progress is comfortable and constant.

A large shift occurred yesterday. It's difficult to characterize, as are all internal phenomenon. Since the last update things were going along as always, getting sensations from deeper and deeper down the chain. Yesterday I 'broke through' whatever the resistance was and now I feel like I am investigating at a whole new level. Both into the extremities and up into by head. Blockages fall and new ones are revealed. TTOTSOMH is still there as part of the whole; the sensations it produces get pretty knarly when I'm not sitting but they kind of smooth out on the cushion and each sit produces some progress in breaking down whatever is causing it. The sweep is becoming so natural I can choose how to apply it, hard or soft, fast or slow, focused or diffused. As the passage of each point of wholesale resistance occurs I discover I need to again find out how to properly apply the sweep to effectively observe and begin progressing again.

All this practise is having an effect on my behaviour. I went to my first course because of rage. It's been quite some time since I have raged, long enough that just typing that makes me feel... I am very grateful. I see things differently most of the time now, I am less judgemental and more accepting of what goes on around me. I have begun to accept my own behaviour and see it in a more constructive manner. This is enabling me to do the same for others. I am still learning the power of metta.

If I had not begun and sustained my twice a day practise I don't think any of this would be happening. One hour a day is maintenance level practise I think. The lesson in discipline is also valuable. In a psych lecture I once saw the prof said 'the things you do every day, those are the most important things you do', meaning the maintenance of life, but also the habits and thoughts. Do the things that help you thrive not those that hinder and the rest will fall into place.

Amen!

This is the best kind of report that can be read. Thanks for making the world a better place!

Copied here from a reply to another post by Nikolai:
"...there is a pressure in my head. What I have been refering to as 'the thing on the side of my head' has been joined by a pervasive 'potential' throughout my body that has lately taken up residence in the centre of my head as well. In fact this was part of what I was going to update. Your statement about inclination is also interesting as I noticed early on when beginning serious practise I would drop into what I believe was the precursor of my current state of experience, usually while driving or waiting in line.

I generally try to avoid giving too much attention to what others say about their experiences but it is encouraging to hear you associate it with cessation. I'll take it as a sign of progress..."

Also to add, while sitting this AM and working on TTOTSOMH there was a sharp 'snap' and a distinct releasing sensation in the area just above my temple and in slightly. Something similar has occurred before. Well over a year ago while practising before sleep I was working on scanning my chest when a large knot manifested in the centre. I decided to focus on it and just as I was having doubts that focusing on it was a good idea it snapped; almost audibly (maybe an afterthought) and hard enough that my body jumped! Immediately after my chest and lower shoulder area was filled with a vibratory sensation that lasted for several minutes and eventually settled down. Since that time I have been unable to find that knot. Something was released, no emotional content that I could discern at the time, but my chest has generally felt less constricted in stressful situations since.

One thing I've realized is it is possible to literally side-step fear, at least in relation to what is going on in my practise. I wouldn't call it courage but I seem to have found a way to kinda 'move to the left' when doubt or dread comes up with regard to TTOTSOMH and the spectacular effects it generates. A deepening of equanimity no doubt. That is how the snap was able to manifest; I got out of my own way. Hmmm...

Last night's sit was different. A lot of chaotic movement and thought, some very strange ideas popping into my head. Exercising equanimity was difficult but the effort seems to be bearing fruit today. TTOTSOMH was very active when I settled down for the night and it took some effort to just accept it and finally drop off to sleep. This morning it started up again immediately upon waking. During my sit the 'ice-cream headache' sensation that seems to indicate a blockage or focal point was occurring in multiple locations and quite intensely, threating to de-rail the scan altogether and draw me into the trap of focussing on one location for far longer than necessary. This battle went back and forth the entire sit until just before it ended. Two or 3 minutes before the chant began I dropped into the trunk and branch perception of my body/nervous system and this quickly went from faint, to intense but difficult, to intense but easy, to almost imperceptible; but with the added feeling of pressure at the base of the skull ascending in to the head. This held as excitement built in my extremities and my mind's eye was slowly filling with brightness. Then the chant began. Metta was easy but the sensation came back and started building on it's own until I got up to begin my morning routine.

On the bus into work the sensations again began building on their own and the pressure at the base of my skull began to leak upward, until I got up to walk to the office.

Today during work the feeling of what I'll call active relaxation begins whenever I stand still for a moment or just let my mind rest on nothing in particular. Eventually a tingling suffuses me and my head begins to expand. The effect wanes as I draw my attention to something but never really goes away. TTOTSOMH is slowly being buried or subsumed in whatever began last night and is continuing today!

Right now I feel great, my accumulated injuries feel OK, I feel a bit jazzed; there is always movement inside. I perceive it always there, always changing, nothing else to be done. Is equanimity becoming the default? Is this the reconfiguration of the neural default mode network? Was Gotama a neuroscientist 2500 years ahead of his time?

I can't help but wonder about the mystics of the Middle Ages who stumbled upon these experiences. Not the ones who were bipolar or schizoid or self-serving power seekers but those who felt that tingle when they sat alone in their room and thought 'what was that?' and continued to watch, for hours if necessary. Then went back the next day, and the next day, and the next...
They could only describe what they felt in the terms of their times and available language. This internal movement became the Holy Spirit, the light in the head became immanence, awakening became...

Pick a revelation. The mundane world co-opted it and it was lost again. I used to get angry when people talked about how their or someone else's faith gave them strength. I wanted to scream 'YOU are the source!' but I realized they wouldn't hear me whatever I said. Now I realize that was just me, now I realize it doesn't matter as long as they try carefully to improve their lives or the lives of those around them. That's a form of awakening in itself.

TTOTSOMH has toned down considerably this week. The left/right bodily split is reappearing more noticably now, even during the day. An image that comes to mind, as I write, is of clogged pipes running both out of and into a reservoir so to speak, from brain to body and back. Each day the crud in the pipes gets thinner and thinner and the flow becomes smoother. The pressure / focal points are eddys of turbulent flow formed around accretions on the pipe walls. Crude analogy but apt I think. I am much more aware of my moment to moment movements, my internal states and the emotions that arise because of them. I am aware of sensations at all times. At times I can't distinguish what I call Path-effects from actual bodily complaint. For example heart-burn. Nothing is ever at rest.

One interesting thing occurred during this morning's sit. An image of a suburban yard with trees, hedges, grass etc appeared. It was as if I was looking toward the house from off to one side, the sun shining onto the house and yard from my right; me standing in shade on the street. It was like being there. It is not a place I recognized, perhaps an image from my past. I noticed how real it seemed, noticed I couldn't place it, and let it be what it was. It persisted for a while then passed away, into what I don't recall, probably the general background of my normal sitting environment.

My hypothesis regarding nervous system activity and insight continues to entertain. I appear to be becoming aware of the activity of the trigeminal nerve on the left side of my head. In deep concentration the sensations on left and right are quite comparable and when not sitting and relaxed I feel the presence of both in generally unequal amounts. This suggests to me that the insult received by the right side is causing some activity not currently experienced on the left. Sensations on the lower portions of the body also seem to follow this pattern. As mentioned before most of my major injuries are on the right side. These patterns suggest to me that the pressure I feel at the back of my head is indeed overt awareness of the activity in the region of the pons / midbrain etc. This may explain the occasional pulse of sensation into the deep skull/brain. Conjecture for off the cushion. It will be interesting to see what science reveals of the affects of these practises in the future.

One more thing to mention is my old friends are changing. I know I don't really see things like I used to in subtle ways, and I am acting different because of this. For instance my anger, which used to be hard to control, now rarely gets to the point of outburst if it appears at all. My old friends (childhood/siblings) seem to be adapting to this. Or maybe I'm just noticing their behavour more accurately. Either way it seems to me they are at times a bit off-balance around me. I get the impression they are trying to adjust to something; maybe that I am not reacting how they expect me to? It is interesting to watch in any case. I am unattached so maybe this is only really new to me...

Feels like a significant change occurred this morning. Lots of new sensation in the right side, especially my foot. Recollection of an injury on the sole, from around age 6. Lots of energy, so to speak, all over the body and an evening out of the experience of myself bilaterally. By the end of the sit it felt like there was potential for the 'energy' to take on a life of it's own and keep building once I got up to start my day. I still feel like it could begin to ramp up even as I write this. Could be an interesting day. Thankfully work is slow.

I think I am beginning to understand how bacon feels. My whole body is starting to sizzle, it started during the AM sit and subsided on the way into work but over the course of the day has begun to make itself more known and may be constant by the time I get home. TTOTSOMH has become a pillar of pressure from the base of my jawbone to the area over my right eyebrow, pulsing occasionally with my heartbeat. My tinnitus is becoming more noticeable but nothing I can't deal with. My right leg from groin to toes... no most of my right side is a mix of pressure and sizzle. My vision is strange. Clearer? My head becomes a ballon then subsides, from time to time. Aside from the novelty of the experience I feel great. My mood is a bit manic but my co-workers are used to that so no big deal. I have a solo work journey next week that could be interesting, if this keeps progressing the way I think it will. Not that I expect anything in particular but I have some feelings of apprehension, travelling alone away from home while this gains steam. Ah well, Annica...

A few physical observations. My sinuses are clearer than they have been in decades. I have over the years suffered bouts of illness requiring some pretty hefty antibiotics, for both aerobic and anaerobic bacteria, that I thought would have completely cleared my sinuses, but once treatment was complete they went back to normal: congestion on the left and heavier congestion, nearing complete blockage, on the right. This has cleared up now, for the past few months. I've also noticed that I tend to salivate on the right side much more when in deep concentration. Beginning back on my first retreat I noticed that my eyes appear brighter when I look in a mirror and they now do not dry out in the winter as easily. In fact they are more prone to weeping when irritated. As mentioned before my right side is more sensational(?) and has become a bit of a tool to deepen this process of observing by providing a contrast to the left. The moments when a unity of exprience is near appears to be when breakthroughs occur. The head pressure is changing too often or continuously to really be specific, it just keeps changing. One thing to note however is how it pushes downward as well as up, depending on my general mood and overall level of relaxation. Being equanimous is not just a state of mind anymore but an embodied way of being that requires constant practise and careful observation, which results in what I feel is progress, even off the cushion.

A Record of Awakening
Practise and Insight on the Buddhist Path
David Smith

"The Analogy of the Diving Pool
Two people are at a diving pool. One stands on the edge of the pool while the other stands on a diving board high above. The one on the board dives off and plummets to a great depth in the water. The other person's turn comes and he gently steps off the edge of the pool and, without even a splash, goes under the water.
 To me this displays two different approaches to the practise. ..."

​​​​​​​Great book.

It seems a bit strange the way my context is changing. I've noted before that things in my past keep coming up and appearing different to me. This results in my wondering how I thought of them otherwise; it seems plain that the new insight is more correct. Recently it occurred to me that a woman I was involved with long ago was not being kind. I won't go into detail but I now realize she was motivated by a need to feed her own sense of worth in a way that was highly detrimental to my mental health, and yet I cannot feel any animosity toward her because I believe I know why she was doing it. Details matter and I am quite good at collecting them. Often they are fit together incorrectly but this reconfiguration seems more natural.  Whichever is correct, unfortunately, it to a lot of suffering on my part. 

I do not act the same. I've also mentioned this before. My interactions with others have changed, I believe they are more skillful on the whole. I still talk more than necessary but I am getting better at editing myself. I think this is due to a developing faculty of present moment awareness. This makes sense. I practise this very skill for two hours a day every day. A byproduct of this new mode of awareness is that the things I need to know bubble up to the surface of my mind from time to time. This is not limited to need to know things only, but I could be wrong about that. Time will tell. 

The practise seems so simple yet the consequences appear so tremendous. There are times when what is going on inside threatens to shred my developing equanimity. It's like growing up all over again. 

Like growing up I am aware of some of the changes that may/will/should take place (depending on your source) but do not really know how they will manifest. That is the danger of intellectual knowledge versus lived knowledge. My anchor is the senses: what are they actually telling me? Sure there is pain but what does it tell me? I got heartburn once during a sit. It became obvious that it was heartburn. I've had very similar sensations at other times and with examination found it was not heartburn. Trivial maybe but when your skull feels the jaws of the vise do you think aneurysm or path? When your bowels jump do you think insight or gas? Many times I've reminded myself 'you are looking inside, physically at rest. What is really going on...' and suspended judgment until I rose and went on with my day. An adolescent hasn't the experience to see how valuable that can be unless they are very fortunate. I've been fortunate. 

For the last few days my bodily sensations have been what may be called an object lesson in anicca. As I've written before, moment to moment sensations change and vary in intensity. They are becoming more intense every day and during every sit they go to new places. TTOTSOMH is back with a vengance but that's OK. Way off in the distance I can hear someone shouting and they are not happy. If they start getting close I'll start asking for advice from the ATs. Until then I'll trust that Gotama wasn't kidding.

"It's like growing up all over again. "

I think that is a very good way to put it. We are lucky to be able to grow up twice!

​​​​​​​

Hi Martin

Yes. I sometimes think that youngsters miss the opportunity by trying to be too old before their time. Or having to deal with life before they are adequately equipped. One of my happiest moments on retreat was when I realized the head-start the younger students were getting. I can't imagine having found the right technique when I was 22 and beginning to practise seriously. How different things may have been...

Big openings. Areas of the body that were closed are beginning to open up, and I didn't even know they were closed. Insights keep popping out at random times. Personal knots dissolve and it feels like 'well, why was that an issue deserving of so much effort?' On the cushion the same challenges appear over and over as I go 'deeper'. I can see that reactivity is the reason for the challenges in all cases. If I embody every experience and I react to each one, no matter how subtle, then the only barrier to real progress is due to not understanding the nature of this reactivity. So the workman must discern the tool needed for the repair by watching the machine in front of him and then working on it while it runs. No problem...

It is fair to say that I haven't felt this good in so long I can't remember, maybe childhood. Not manic-Christmas-morning good or safe-with-my-people-after-a-long-trip good or showered-after-a-run good. Something is calming down inside and it is having consequences in every aspect of my biological and psychological experience. TTOTSOMH used to worry me and that is gone now; not that it doesn't matter or doesn't feel like a living thing shuffling around on my cheek, just that it doesn't seem to cause tension off the cushion anymore. My aches and pains are just the way they are. The same effect is taking place for everything external. Things are just the way they are, people are the way they are, etc. It isn't perfect yet but it becomes more global each day.

That also sounds so good! The equanimity that comes through feels good, even just to read.

"So the workman must discern the tool needed for the repair by watching the machine in front of him and then working on it while it runs. " Wonderfully put, again. And workman, of course, is a hologram produced by the running of the machine.