RE: Ashley's Practice Log

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Ashley K, modified 4 Months ago at 1/18/23 3:40 PM
Created 4 Months ago at 1/18/23 3:33 PM

Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
I wrote a whole long post here, just for myself, thinking back on my life and how I ended up here, so interested in enlightenment. That post was accidentally deleted, but here's the gist (this summary is better than the previous word vomit anyway, lol).

The post went over my experiences with lucid dreaming as a kid, which may or may not have been A&P related; the time at age 12 that I first heard about the concept of "dying to self", and being captivated by this idea without knowing why, just wanting to experience it for myself, but not understanding it at the time; my journey in personal development in my 20s, constantly searching for ways to improve my life, change my negative qualities, and feel better but never being totally satisfied; the day I first discovered that enlightenment was actually, truly possible (a shocking realization! in 2015); the ensuing seven year journey of searching out all the information I could find online or in books from awakened people, learning and reading and listening, wanting it for myself; making a lot of valuable "psychotherapy" type progress during that time but not much "enlightenment" progress; and finally, the most recent part of my journey about a month ago when I first found out about Daniel Ingram, MCTB2, Manual of Insight, and dry insight practice.

MCTB2 and MoI really laid things out in a practical way that spoke to me in a way that nothing had since first learning that enlightenment was possible. Although much of the information was familiar after my years of reading and learning, there was enough new stuff, or things said in a new way, that really lit a fire under my butt. The map, the stages, and the progress of insight was something I had never come across before, at least not so directly in that way, and it was laid out so clearly that it has inspired me to go forth with my own noting practice.

I don't know where I'm at on the path, although I have had a couple A&P-like experiences - the first shortly after I first learned of enlightenment, and the second shortly after I started reading MCTB2 and MoI. Both were fairly tame, occurring in dreams, but involving intense, exhilarating energy flowing upward through my spine, lifting me up, with bright, golden light and showering sparks within and all around me. I'm not really sure if those were A&P crossings, but, they did seem very A&P-like.

My next entry will be my first actual practice log. I have a family and children and typical daily life responsibilities that come with that, and essentially no opportunity at all for a retreat, perhaps not for a very long time. I do have some brief periods throughout each day that I can sit formally for meditation in my own home. But I don't consider off-cushion time to be off-practice time. Meditation, noting, seeing sensations clearly, perceiving sensations arising and passing away - this can be done any time, anywhere. So I plan to note as much as possible off-cushion, too. I will just see where it all goes.
Ashley K, modified 4 Months ago at 1/19/23 1:36 PM
Created 4 Months ago at 1/19/23 1:36 PM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

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I had a strange dream that someone said they were going to test my ability to read a message. I thought okay, well that's easy! I can read fine. The message was not words, though, it was pictures or symbols, I just had to know the word that went with the picture. And the pictures would pop up one at a time, so I just had to keep up with reading them as they came up. So at first it was easy, but then at some point, I noticed they were playing an audio track in the background that was saying the same words that I was, but on a slight delay, which was so distracting that it slowed down my ability to concentrate. I had to focus very hard on each picture so I could say the word correctly. Then, I began having a difficult time interpreting each image. There was just an unusually long delay between looking at the image, and the word actually coming to me, so that I could say it. Everything just slowed waaaaayyyy down. Honestly I don't really know why I mention this dream here, it may not mean anything at all, it's just that it stuck with me because the effects on my concentration and perception abilities were just so strange.

Today it's taking more of an effort to "get going" as it were and get myself to actually go and start a formal sit.

I did finally go and sit, though, for a very short time. I don't know really how to describe today's sit. It just felt generally calm and peaceful, quiet, not much going on. I was just noting my breath, and sensations in the body. In previous sits, the sensations in the body would appear in very specific spots, scattered about all over in different places, popping up one after another, and my mind would seem to jump from spot to spot as I noted each new sensation that came up, before going back to the breath. Today, it felt like there was just a pervasive, light and very subtle buzzy feeling throughout the body, not confined to different spots.

Off-cushion, I noticed I still get irritated/annoyed at little things from time to time, and then very quickly after the irritation comes the thought/feeling of being frustrated or disappointed that I was affected in that way, and then finally a judging thought that the initial irration shouldn't have happened in the first place... But, I was able to see all this when it happened, so I suppose that's what counts. Just noting it and letting it pass on its own. Instead of getting stuck in any of those feelings or thoughts.

Off-cushion I've also been noting off and on, but in a very shallow manner, today, unlike in previous days. Like I'm just having trouble sticking with it today. It feels lazy. It feels like I'm distracted, but not by anything specific - so it's not that I'm lost in a specific thought or thinking that I can clearly point to, it just seems like I drifted off somehow. When I do notice it I just note it as "distracted" and continue on.
Ashley K, modified 4 Months ago at 1/20/23 7:14 PM
Created 4 Months ago at 1/20/23 7:14 PM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

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What to say about today?

Noting was difficult. I felt a lot of difficulty getting past this aversion to doing it. When I did note there was just apathy, boredom. Difficulty mustering much energy to do much throughout the day. Some periods I just felt like sitting and doing as little as possible - I don't even mean sitting as in a formal meditation sit, I mean just sitting on the couch or the floor and doing the bare minimum for a time.

And then at some point some kind of general malaise set in. I couldn't help but think of the Misery stage though I don't know if that is it or not. I did my very, very best to just allow this malaise, as difficult as it was. I wanted it to go away, but I tried to just note thoughts about it and just be clear about sensations as best I could. It was rough and I felt I was doing poorly at it but stuck with it anyway.

Then in the evening at some point, noting felt smoother again. Certainly not continuous or perfect, I'm still working on lengthening the time I can note before I get distracted, but still easier than the rest of the day had been. The malaise faded a little.


I'm getting better at just allowing and noting when something happens that makes me angry or frustrated. It's unbelievably difficult at times not to go into thinking about these things and spinning up a story. But I just did my damnedest to just note sensations, but still getting caught up a little bit.

After the angry/frustrated feelings and thoughts faded - assuming I'm able to refrain from getting lost in them - I noticed today that for a brief time after, things feel more open, like there is just a quiet space left there that I didn't notice before. I guess normally I would be getting lost in whatever angry or sad story I drummed up and be stuck in that, so I can see how I've always missed that quiet space before.
Ashley K, modified 4 Months ago at 1/22/23 6:45 AM
Created 4 Months ago at 1/22/23 6:45 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

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I worried that I would accidentally deceive myself at some point about my progress. That through a combination of wishful thinking, hoping, anticipating, even expecting, etc. my subconscious mind might come up with experiences that seem noteworthy or signs of progress, but are really not.

So I'm reminding myself of some core things - do not cling to any experiences, good or bad. Let them go, just note them. Be clear about all sensations. Clearly perceive all sensations arise and vanish.

I was able to sit for about 30 minutes this morning. It seemed to go well in that I did not get distracted too often and my concentration seemed to stabilize and get stronger by the end of the sit.

Is Mahasi noting meant to be done all day long (I mean, as much as one is able) throughout daily life? It still seems exceptionally difficult to continue what I had during my formal sit, while doing daily activities. But I guess I'm still building up my noting and concentration skills, and being able to get fairly stable during a sit with minimal distractions is a good start.
Ashley K, modified 4 Months ago at 1/23/23 7:27 PM
Created 4 Months ago at 1/23/23 7:27 PM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

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Here are some scattered writings collected from throughout the day.

I had an interesting dream last night that included a meeting with Sharon Salzberg and a group of dharma students discussing my "case" and diagnosing me (when I asked where they thought I was they decided on "dissolution of self", haha). I'm not reading much into the dream, but when I woke up from it, I felt a strong sense of encouragement to keep going with my practice, particularly based on what my dream version of Sharon had to say to me. So, I'll take that!

I also had a weird experience today where I just put my hand down on my leg and for some reason it didn't feel like my hand on my leg, it was just the sensation of "hand on leg." Then looking at my bowl of food, I was obviously looking out from these eyes but they didn't feel like "my" eyes, it was like seeing was just seeing. Then I was chewing food, but it was like just a mouth chewing, not "me" chewing. It was very subtle and just lasted those few moments, but it felt significant. Maybe my practice will make perceiving that way happen more often? I didn't really notice that the rest of the day.

I still resist fully allowing some feelings when they come up. I think because they feel more intense when I first note them and they sometimes grow and conjure up more feelings and more thoughts with them, and it's hard not to pick any of that up and start spinning up the same old story and getting stuck in it yet again. I think I'm afraid I won't be able to get out of it and then I'll be stuck feeling angry or resentful or whatever the situation was making me feel. Plus I just don't want to feel it because well, it's painful! When it's too painful I resist it and suppress it but I know by doing that it's still going to be there and come up again sooner or later.

Why, WHY, do I feel that gaining a certain skill, having a certain experience, getting a certain item, gaining the approval and love of a specific person... is going to somehow unlock some special happiness that can only be found after doing or getting that specific thing? And for some dumb reason, it feels like it's going to be such a special happiness, that it will have some "happily ever after" effect on my life. Ugh! It's never been true, it's never going to be true, I'm sick of feeling that way.

On a better note. Noting is feeling good this evening! But when I say that noting is "feeling good", well, that's just another feeling to be noted, right? And not clung to in any way. That is the way it seems to be going, it's like, there is nothing left there if it all gets noted - can't cling to that, or that, or that or that or that... it all just slips through my fingers, nothing left to cling to.
Ashley K, modified 4 Months ago at 1/27/23 10:06 AM
Created 4 Months ago at 1/27/23 10:06 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
From yesterday:

I've been dealing with some mild sleep deprivation and aches and pains the last few days, mostly some headaches and soreness in my right shoulder. It seems to just be a combination of the effects of missing some sleep, sleeping in a bad position, and maybe getting a bit dehydrated, or who knows what. I just felt unwell on and off the past few days. I don't feel sick with anything in particular, I am just not feeling my usual "normal."

I know I've only been at this about 5 weeks (I started before starting this log), but I still had a feeling this week of being stuck and feeling uncertain that I was doing anything correctly or precisely enough to actually count as insight practice. So, I re-read some parts of MCTB2 as well as some other insight meditation resources and it helped me a lot to make sure I'm staying on the right track and not veering towards practice that's weak or not really looking in the right direction or whatever.

I feel I want my concentration sharp and precise, yet broad at the same time? Sharp and precise in order to be able to pinpoint each tiniest, individual sensation, but broad so as to capture these pinpoint sensations happening anywhere across the whole field of perception, as rapidly as I can. When I stop for a moment and just let myself be aware of as many sensations as I can it's like a cacophony of sensations! Even if there is nothing visually moving, and it's relatively quiet, there's still all kinds of stuff going on all the time! Even my vision has this kind of "TV snow" pattern. Like when I stare at a blank white wall, it's anything but blank, it's actually filled with what looks like teeny tiny microscopic points of varying color/intensity shimmering constantly (though this effect is extremely subtle, it's not like I look at the wall and see something like Starry Night by Van Gogh lol). So like TV snow, except extremely, extremely fine and subtle. I guess it's probably like that for everyone but we don't pay attention to it. Every single feeling in my entire body, from head to toe, inside and out, also breaks down to extremely fine individual tingles or vibrations. Like down to a pinprick size, it feels like. Other times it can be like it's made up of waves or pulses (the feeling of pressure is often like that).

This evening I had another experience that triggered some anger that I almost got swept up in. Eventually, the feelings and thoughts faded and I was left feeling... kind of down and numb, in a way. Because I was not totally successful in not getting swept up in it. Getting swept up in that stuff just leaves me in a darker place. I don't want to be dragged down into that dark place anymore.

--

From today:

Today it feels like it takes significant energy to speak and respond to people. All I want is to just sit quietly.

Because of this, the call to meditate was very strong. It's like whatever energy I do have is being drawn completely within and so having to send any energy "out" (like responding to someone speaking to me) takes a lot more effort than usual.

Today I just suddenly wanted to move more slowly and pay extremely close attention to everything. Like wanting to be aware of every last micro-movement within each larger movement.

Something I have not mentiond here before is that in previous days, on and off while doing noting, I have noticed that I'm moving pretty fast, rushing through things, and I KNOW that I'm rushing as I'm doing them, but somehow I was not able or willing to slow myself down. Even though I would think of Mahasi Sayadaw in Manual of Insight saying how the meditator should move very slowly and deliberately and sense every movement, and even the intention prior to each movement. So, I knew I was rushing, knew I should slow down, but just, couldn't get myself to do that.

Well today is the very first time that not only did I slow way down, I actually WANTED to go slowly. I don't know why I'm always in a hurry doing things, even if I don't need to be somewhere and something doesn't need to get done quickly, I'd be rushing to do it and get to the next thing anyway. Today I feel much more relaxed and willing to go slowly.

If I had the opportunity to go on retreat, I imagine right now would be the perfect time to do so. With my daily life and responsibilities I need to stay at home. I don't mind. I feel like I've got the "retreat attitude" as it were and can still bring that into my formal sits and daily life anyway.
Ashley K, modified 4 Months ago at 1/28/23 7:38 PM
Created 4 Months ago at 1/28/23 7:38 PM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

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Today I worked on being mindful as much as I could throughout the day, and relaxing and allowing any type of thought or feeling that comes up. I did my best to just observe and let it be without going into further thinking or reflection.

Today I have felt less agitated and more relaxed. I've been maybe applying too much effort to noting and mindfulness previously, so today was more about relaxing and letting things be.

A few times today when I had a desire for something or an aversion to something, I tried to look at that. Just see what it feels like to have that desire or that aversion. Without going into thinking about it. Just feeling/sensing into it.

I feel calmer overall. In this state I feel I can respond to situations less selfishly and respond to people in a kinder or more loving way. I'm not at all perfect, though! Still have times of getting lost in thought or caught up in something, but really, it seems to be happening a lot less often - or if it does happen, I'm more able to be aware of it.
Ashley K, modified 3 Months ago at 2/4/23 7:43 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 2/4/23 7:43 PM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
 So I guess a recap on the past week.

I found MIDL meditation a week ago and have decided to try that because it has a LOT of structure and guidance and a very clear progression that tells me exactly when to move on to the next step. It's just working so much better for me by taking all the thinking and uncertainty out of my meditation practice. I'm going with the insight first path.

3 or 4 nights ago, I had a weird experience waking up in the middle of the night, of being fully awake and aware from the very instant I woke up, and therefore feeling like my body moved all by itself for a few moments. Like my "self" didn't start up yet, thinking had not even started up yet, so for those few moments it was like a bizarre no self experience. I was not in control at all those few moments, actually it was more like there was no one even there to be in control!

And for the last couple of days, I've had some longer periods of feeling calm and stable. But when emotional reactions came up in daily life, they stood out in very stark contrast to that calm.

Last night and today - I have too much excess energy in me last night and today. Didn't sleep well, anxious and restless. Restless today too. It's not a pleasant energy. It's a bit intense and feels anxiety-like. It seemed to be triggered by a specific situation that left me feeling intense negative feelings, very miserable and feeling intense emotional pain at not being able to prevent an anxiety-filled experience that my loved one had to go through. I hated to see them feeling that. All these feelings were very difficult for me to just allow and let be and so they stuck around quite a while. Even though the other person recovered okay.

During meditation in the last week I've felt some subtle pleasant energy during meditation, but this energy now is not like that, it has me a bit on edge today. I'm not feeling great about myself and feel like my mind is going a mile a minute.

During meditation I'm able to get to a place of relatively stable concentration, I wouldn't say it's that deep yet, but I'm able to stay with the full length of the breath, although sprinkled in are plenty of distracting thoughts. External sounds also pull me away a bit, I'm generally still very aware of noises. I'm able to notice almost all of these without straying too far from the breath, though. So it is rare that I get totally lost and completely forget I'm meditating. But still I feel pulled away from the breath briefly, every few breaths.

So what I'm doing today is just relaxing and allowing these agitated feelings and energies even though they are unpleasant. I'm approaching them in daily life with curiosity, gentleness, and calm.

I'm annoying my own self today and pretty sure I'm annoying others around me, and then I'm judging myself for being so annoying. A little self-hate today trying not to spiral down into it. I feel like I've forgotten how to interact with people in a normal way or something,I just feel drawn to looking at this energy and all the agitated thoughts and feelings associated with it.

It's just like my most annoying qualities are coming out on top of this agitated energy.

On top of all this I have a stronger than ever urge to meditate. In the past I always had to force myself to meditate and could barely stand to do it for 10 minutes without extreme boredom. Now, sitting for an hour is easy! Even a few days ago I didn't have this strong of an urge to meditate.

I really did have a ton of "desire for deliverance" feelings today. I'm not saying that's what stage I'm at or think I'm at, I don't have any idea, I'm just saying, that what's happening today is a ton of desire to be rid of the suffering and a desire to be rid of the pain of this life already, once and for all. Why do things still upset me so deeply and why can I not see clearly how to stop the suffering?

This coming after a week of seemingly good meditation sessions. Today I'm feeling bad indeed.

This too shall pass and who knows what feelings will come tomorrow? Every day is bringing new and interesting things to note. It is so hard not to get caught up. I will keep going, though, with noting, and with MIDL meditation training. 
Ashley K, modified 3 Months ago at 2/7/23 7:42 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 2/7/23 7:42 PM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
2 days ago - 

I felt more peace today. I felt some equanimity, maybe? I don't mean the stage, I mean I think I was just experiencing more equanimity today. I don't know how to describe it... It's almost like a "lofty" feeling. Like it feels airy and spacious. It feels like there's this big, wide open space everywhere, in everything. It's very subtle, though. And hard to describe.

I think there was some equanimity, at least at certain times and in the face of certain things, that I would expect to bother me more. The equanimity was not that strong and not necessarily steady, but it was there at times.

I almost feel like I can tune into this airy spaciousness, or maybe I'm just remembering it or imagining it, it's hard to tell.

I wish that I had the opportunity to sit for several hours, which I've never done before. But I will take whatever I can, even if it's only 10 minutes. But I aim for 30 minutes minimum daily. And noting whenever else I can. I guess since I've been more focused on doing the MIDL guided meditations, I have not focused so much on noting in daily life. I just do it on and off when I think of it, but, I'm not sure 5 minutes of noting here or there is any good, or if it really needs to be a longer period of sustained noting with strong (momentary) concentration to make any sort of progress.

---

Yesterday -

There was total aversion to meditating and noting. I had ample opportunity to sit and meditate, and I didn't. I don't know why I avoided it, but I did. It just felt easier not to do it. Later in the afternoon though I just went for it and ended up noting for 30 straight minutes with little to no getting distracted or drawn away from it. That might be the longest straight block that I've done noting outside of a formal sit.

When I do a formal meditation (usually concentrating on the breath, at least to start with) - within 1-2 minutes of sitting I feel a pleasurable feeling rise up through my torso into my chest. It just comes all by itself. All I have to do is fully relax my body into my sitting position, bring awareness into the body, follow three or four breaths for their full length, and then that pleasurable feeling is just there. So then I relax into the feeling, let the relaxation come into my mind, and continue to follow the breath. After another 10-15 minutes my mind is quieter and it becomes fairly easy to follow the breath. That's about as far as I've gotten with concentration. I'd like to do longer sits and build the factors of enlightenment. Or it's more, letting them build themselves up while I get out of the way, that really is what it feels like. Meditation is literally getting "me" out of the way lol.

Meditation really does seem easier the less I try.

---

Today - well, I struggled with some personal issues today. I KNEW right in the middle of it all that I was getting worked up and wrapped up in it, but it seemed impossible NOT to, at the time. It also felt impossible to just let it be, to just note them, to just sit there with these terrible feelings in me without DOING something about them (even if that doing was just spinning up stories). My heart felt like a stone, unmovable, and this story just felt unbreakable, it was staying and I couldn't do anything about it. I hated the feeling of being wrapped up in it and even now I feel like all that is still stuck "inside" me somehow. It's gonna rear its ugly head again, I wonder how I'll handle it then?
shargrol, modified 3 Months ago at 2/8/23 6:32 AM
Created 3 Months ago at 2/8/23 6:32 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

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One thing that can help in the midst of a can't-be-stopped mental drama is just raise a finger of one hand. Basically, you let the whole thing play out but you remember that it's a mental drama... and if you forget, you look down at your hand and you see the finger raised. "Oh yeah..." 

In many cases there is simply old memories or mental habits that just have to happen, but that doesn't mean you need to go completely into that trance. You can let it happen as it needs to but also stay aware of the sensations of breathing or, if you need to, just raise a finger and notice it from time to time to break the hardness of the trance. That way you are bring mindfulness into the experience. And in time, you can just be mindful of it without requiring supports. These dramas arise and pass like everything else.
Ashley K, modified 3 Months ago at 2/8/23 7:35 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 2/8/23 7:35 PM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
shargrol:

One thing that can help in the midst of a can't-be-stopped mental drama is just raise a finger of one hand. Basically, you let the whole thing play out but you remember that it's a mental drama... and if you forget, you look down at your hand and you see the finger raised. "Oh yeah..." 

In many cases there is simply old memories or mental habits that just have to happen, but that doesn't mean you need to go completely into that trance. You can let it happen as it needs to but also stay aware of the sensations of breathing or, if you need to, just raise a finger and notice it from time to time to break the hardness of the trance. That way you are bring mindfulness into the experience. And in time, you can just be mindful of it without requiring supports. These dramas arise and pass like everything else.

Thank you, shargrol! Thankfully the really heavy mental drama doesn't strike too often, but I did try out your technique today on something minor, when I had a thought that was remembering a past conflict. It really helped! Holding up my finger just helped me stay "with it" and kept me from sinking into it. I could see how I might've gone into further thinking about the conflict and visualizing it and bringing up the feelings, etc. When instead, my finger was a reminder to label it, "remembering, remembering" and then it just faded. I'm looking forward to trying this when the heavy stuff comes up.
Ashley K, modified 3 Months ago at 2/15/23 8:45 AM
Created 3 Months ago at 2/15/23 8:45 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
I have a few different things I want to write down from this past week.

Content - I finally realized that when it comes to noting, the content of the thoughts and feelings does not matter at all, I just need to see it arise and pass. I know that's like, basic stuff. But, it's just where I'm at. I've been getting stuck in content, even when I thought I was noting well I would kind of stop to look at the content of things however briefly, before moving on. Not to mention obviously the times I've been stuck or lost in stories, particularly negative ones. I have ups, I have downs, I feel pleasant, I feel blah... it can all be noted in the same way, regardless of content. Once I don't get lost in or stuck in stuff, I can stay at the level of noting through good and bad. And I know it's also possible to get stuck or lost in positive stories and experiences, so I need to watch out for that. The less interested in the content I am, the better noting goes.


How I relate to memories has changed some.

Okay I will try to describe this, but I think I'm not so good at describing things or finding the right words, it's hard. My childhood memories and to some extent many past memories – my relationship to these has changed this past week. They feel more and more like just images, snippets of movies playing in my mind superimposed on the present moment. It's like previously my childhood felt like a “real thing” that really exists somehow, it had a weight to it. It had a big meaningful existence, at least in my mind, like it's a real “thing” even though it's not happening right now. But after seeing a memory in my mind as just an image superimposed on the present, nothing more, that “weight” to it was gone. Then I thought of some childhood memories on purpose to see how they felt, and they didn't feel so “real” anymore, that weight to them was gone. At first it felt like I'd lost something, it didn't feel so good. Like what I thought of as "my childhood" is not really real and the weight and "thingness" of it is disappearing now. But I guess feeling bad about it was momentary and I don't feel that way now.

When I think back on old memories that used to trigger a strong sense of self, or that triggered emotion, they really don't so much, anymore. Even remembering good times and positive memories doesn't have quite the same punch as it used to.

It's not an “all the way through” thing, sometimes there is still a tug in my heart when a happy memory comes up and I notice it as the clinging to the positive, missing it, not wanting to lose that, wishing I had it now or could have that good thing permanently, feeling sad it was many years in the past and long gone, etc. etc... I can now see and feel what that clinging is in terms of strictly sensations in the present. Feelings in the body, images and thoughts in the mind. I can note it like some sort of objective observer, as the supposedly "subjective" thoughts and feelings are still occurring.

Just something interesting from this week.


Labeling - I thought about trying to get better with using “labels” when I note. I feel like instead of my focus being 5% on the label and 95% on the sensation, I'm like, 50/50, or worse, more focus is on the label than on the sensation. Which is why I generally do not label at all, I just note. When I label I feel like the labeling is covering over a bunch of other stuff that I'm missing and then not noting. But when I don't label at all, that brings a higher risk of forgetting I'm noting and getting lost in stuff. So, I am going to work on getting better at labeling as well as finding the right balance of labeling that helps keep me noting well and noting longer.


How I am feeling this week - Though I had some down periods, overall this past week, I've been feeling generally pretty good, with many periods of just pleasantness, and feeling a little extra energy inside. There is nothing in particular to explain the feeling of pleasantness and feeling good. But I try to note it and not get lost in it! I'm not trying to figure out why I feel that way and I'm not trying to cling to it or make it last. The pleasant and good feelings arise and pass too like anything else, I've also had some periods of feeling down or "blah", though it's the pleasant/good feelings that have been around most this week.
Ashley K, modified 3 Months ago at 2/21/23 7:30 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 2/21/23 7:30 PM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
Lots of ups and downs in the past week.

Last Wednesday, so almost a week ago, I was feeling really good. Really good! Calm, peaceful, with a feeling of lightness throughout the day. I was still coming off that week of mostly feeling good and pleasant.

That same evening though I had a fear again that I will somehow trick myself into thinking I'm further along than I really am. Also fear that I'm spinning my wheels and not sitting for meditation long enough or without enough concentration to actually make progress. I also had a feeling like meditation and the path is separating me from everyone else, nobody else in my life is doing this stuff, so I felt cut off, in a way.

On Friday, I started to feel angry! Because just two days previously I felt on top of the world, now I was down from that high. Even though at the same time I knew that these things pass.

Saturday I spent more time noting than usual. I felt better than I had the last few days, and it felt more like it was the absence of being stuck in thought/negative feelings that felt good. It feels good NOT to stew in stuff. Duh, right? But that's hard to see while you're actively stewing in it. I am able now to remain mindful during drama that's relatively mild. But the more intense, deep-seated stuff still gets me. But I do see that during the milder dramas I can note it and not be drawn in.

Just generally lots of ups and downs this past week. Sometimes, meditation felt very easy. Minimal getting lost in anything, relatively easy time staying mindful. Other times, not so easy.

It's still very tough to sit with aversion or hate and fully allow it, very unpleasant. But a couple days ago during my sit I heard a repetitive sound and immediately felt anoyance building up. So I continually noted each sound as hearing, hearing, and noted any sensations in the body related to feeling annoyed by the sound. I then had this distinct thought, “This aversion is not mine, it's the mind's” and then it felt like it couldn't touch me, like I was disconnected from the process somehow – the process of the sound leading to annoyance leading to feelings/emotion sensations in the body, etc etc – that process was continuing on as before, but I wasn't “in it” anymore and it couldn't touch me.

I also had another experience of actually not being drawn into something POSITIVE. Listening to one of my favorite songs I noticed, while listening, it was as though getting sucked into the song and fixating on it and trying to prolong the pleasure of listening to it felt like I was narrowing myself down somehow, narrowing into the body and the mind and the experience of the song. It actually felt much better NOT to do that. It was the first time I noticed that a positive experience did not draw me in, and the absence of that being drawn in actually felt better than the way I would normally react to listening to the song. I could watch the process and not be a part of it.

Even after these interesting experiences in meditation, later in the day I felt off-kilter and then I got completely stuck in anger again, even though I knew I was doing it. But after the situation that made me angry replayed in my head for about the 50th time, when the emotions came up yet again, this time finally I just noted them purely as sensations in the body. And what do you know? They faded away, almost immediately, totally gone, no more thoughts or feelings about the situation arose, it was just all gone. I went from feeling “no way can I do this” (as in no way can I just note this and not get drawn into it again) to “Oh, it was that easy?!” yep... Noting is so easy, if I JUST DO THAT and nothing more.

I guess now I'm going back and forth between meditation being easy and feeling like I could sit for hours if I had the opportunity (which unfortunately I do not have), to feeling an aversion to noting. And sometimes it still feels like there's something more I'm supposed to be doing when I'm noting, like I'm not doing enough.
Ashley K, modified 3 Months ago at 2/24/23 8:13 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 2/24/23 8:13 PM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
Yesterday - sensations just seemed to be grating on me. Irritating. I was irritated beyond belief!
Lots of irritation and feeling restless, so I did more walking meditation. My concentration felt like crap, though. So it was maybe more just pacing around feeling restless while attempting to note.

Noting thoughts up to this point had been tricky. I'm usually halfway into a thought (or onto the third or fourth thought!) before I notice it and then I'm there to see the middle and end of it. But it bugs me that I can't seem to catch thoughts when they first start. Those pesky trains of thought derail my mindful noting.

Today, lots of thoughts about practice and lots of "wondering" type thoughts. Wondering about this and that, usually related to practice or the path and wondering how exactly things work and how things are done if there really is no self.

Also today, beginning this morning - strong feelings of irritation again. I did not have much opportunity for formal sits, but I noted a lot today throughout daily life, with some of these periods were just sitting on the sofa while my family was busy doing other things, so kind of a semi-formal sit, I guess. This afternoon though - I began to feel pleasant energy through my body. Noting became very enjoyable. Thoughts were suddenly very clear, like I was finally able to see the beginning of them, through the middle, to the end. Whereas like I said before I could never really catch the beginning, I'd be already lost in the thought first, before I noticed.

While washing my hands at the sink today, I had the distinct sensation that the hands were not mine, I was just watching hands. They were somehow not mine and my mind felt super clear during this period when it felt like the hands were not mine. Interesting.

Then after feeling pleasant most of the afternoon with noting feeling enjoyable and at worst neutral, I had frustation and irritation again. It's hard to tell whether this is just irritation from my ordinary life and I'm bringing that into my noting, or if the irritation has anything to do with where I'm at with my practice. But it was just harsh, grating, irritation, like I wanted all the sensations to just STOP, I was tired of hearing sounds and feeling body sensations and all that, "just give me a break" was the feeling I had.

Then later this evening, feeling just excellent. Feeling pleasant energy all the way up through my head.

Some mind wandering did return when I got lax again with noting. So, following trains of thought rather than clearly seeing them. But overall, I'm feeling okay. I feel incredibly comfortable in my own skin right now, calm and relaxed, and when I return to noting/meditation, even if it's for just a minute or two, thoughts are more clearly seen again.

I'm not sure what to make of it all, if the feeling pleasant parts are just A&P, or if it's even possible for me to be cycling up to equanimity at this point, or something else entirely. I'm just not confident in knowing which moods and experiences are just ordinary life stuff, vs stuff related to progress of insight. But, I'm just getting it down here in my log, I figure time will tell what it's all about.
Ashley K, modified 2 Months ago at 3/2/23 10:12 AM
Created 2 Months ago at 3/2/23 8:45 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
2/25 - The day after my last post there was a strong feeling of energy in my chest (off-cushion). Uncomfortable even, I felt hyped up by it but not in a good way. Later on it settled into feeling more pleasant. After this, I had this feeling like, the way you feel on vacation. Mildly exhilarating, but also relaxing. Or like the feeling when you are falling in love. I had this weird feeling also of being "done" even though I know I am most definitely not done! Also similar to what I wrote on 2/15 - when I wrote about how my relatioship to the past has changed, I started to feel that way about the future, too. The "weight" to the future is gone (or lessened) in the same way as happened with past memories. The 25th was just a lovely day, I had the most serene feeling sitting outside while noting, very pleasant energy building up into my head.

That night, I slept well, but each time I woke up I felt strong energy in my chest again. The feeling was similar to the feeling I get if I am anticipating something very big and exciting (though in this case I wasn't actually anticipating anything, it was just that strong energy by itself).

2/26 - This day the energy began to fade. When trying to note I felt I had strong concentration at first but as soon as I turn to noting I had tons of mind wandering and getting lost in trains of thought. In spite of efforts to be mindful using noting. Even tried counting breaths just to try and stabilize my concentration first, which worked okay actually, but once I switched to noting practice it was not long before my mind wandered again. Therefore, not much mindful practice this day. Lots of getting lost in trains of thought. Scattered mind, couldn't keep it focused clearly on anything.

2/27 - A lot this day it felt like nothing much was going on in the way of noting practice. It felt almost like I had totally forgotten how to note properly, like I just couldn't seem to do it? I felt like I wasn't able to get enough concentration and couldn't get any clarity on any sensations I was noting (to clarify this was when noting off-cushion in daily life). When I'm noting it just feels like - nothing's happening. I think because all that energy, the serene and pleasant feelings, have faded. So back to just neutral noting without that enjoyment factor driving me to note a lot.

2/28 - So, all the energy and high feelings are gone, have been feeling a little aimless and almost like I'm not sure what to do, or like I've lost some of my ability to note well.

If what I had was a crossing (or re-crossing) of A&P, then I would assume dukkha nanas are next? Seems like I'm already dipping into something like that. Is it weird though that I feel excited? Like, who knows what's going to happen or come up during meditation, but I've been through my fair share of feeling despair and feeling miserable and feeling fed up, and I made it through all that just fine, so, if dukkha nanas is just more of the same, but with even better stuff on the other side, then, I'm actually looking forward to it, weirdly.

This past week, I finally tried to see if I could notice any patterns with phenomology during my sits that would indicate moving through nanas, I noticed the following (I came back here later to edit this section because I got a few more sits in and noticed some additional things):
As usual can take several minutes to feel settled and get into a groove with noting. Always within 5-10 minutes, pleasurable feeling or energy rising in my body (sometimes the whole body feels that way, sometimes it's just in my chest, sometimes it's up through my head). And always 10 minutes into an eyes-closed meditation, patterns of light show up on the back of my eyelids and slowly move around. It's like bluish blobby wavy lines and circles that slowly move around in a repeating pattern. All this time I'm continuing to note any sensations that come up. I usually start to feel a lot of tension, a little pain in my upper back, maybe from the way I'm sitting, or maybe it's something to do with 3rd nana? I reach a point where noting gets easy, feels like it's just flowing and is "doing itself" and my posture feels rock solid and stable and I don't move at all, it feels like I could sit for hours without moving an inch. This usually occurs after the "light show" on my eyelids begins. Usually by this point all sensations in my hands go numb. The tension in my upper back does seem to go away during this period when noting is flowing easily.

Most commonly, I get interrupted and have to stop my sit during the period when noting is flowing easily. Usually the kids interrupting and needing something, or the baby woke up from his nap, or whatever.

But if I keep sitting, then my mind starts wandering more again and my meditation seems to fizzle out. It's hard to really tell what's happening at this point. The blobby "light show" on my eyelids sort of comes to an end, or fades into something less noticeable. I continue to note, and there is a bit more mind wandering. I notice that more images and thoughts are coming up than before, even if I note them and don't get lost in them. I thought in some recent sits that I felt some coolness on my legs at this point, and I'm aware that dissolution can sometimes have sensations of coolness, but at the same time I'm very wary of reading into stuff too much (maybe it was just a draft?? haha). Anyway. I felt a tiny bit more startled at this point when unexpected sounds occurred, but not sure if that's just a result of strong concentration. Compared to the period where I feel noting is flowing easily and my posture feels rock solid and stable, this period following after did have a different "feel" to it but I'm having a hard time really describing it because it seems any differences were subtle.

Okay, that's as far as I've gotten in terms of what's going on during formal meditation sits. I do still note sometimes off-cushion, and a lot of what I share in these logs includes how I'm feeling off-cushion and what happens when I try to note off-cushion. I'm not really sure how noting off-cushion affects how formal sits go. Maybe I'll try to pay more attnetion to whether formal sits seem any different on days I do a lot of off-cushion noting vs very little off-cushion noting.
Ashley K, modified 2 Months ago at 3/9/23 9:01 AM
Created 2 Months ago at 3/9/23 9:01 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
I take way too many practice notes thorughout each day. I end up wading back through them after a week to put something together for this practice log. I suppose all this time I'm spending going through and editing my notes about practice could be time spent practicing. Oh well!

3/2
Maybe still riding the highs of A&P a little bit this day because I got really excited at the idea of all my crap coming up so that I can finally be free of it! In that moment I was genuinely looking forward to the terribleness of it to appear so I can note it away and see/move through it. I even kind of started to see why people going through A&P want to proselytize so much...

On this day I resolved to keep practicing through WHATEVER comes up. Good, bad, BORING!

"It's objects all the way down" has been a really useful pointer for me.

3/3
Having way too many reflecting and analyzing thoughts, thoughts that are telling a story to myself about my meditation practice and experiences. I note/label these for the most part, but they come up, all the time.

In the moment a thought like this happens it feels like it's me thinking it, then the moment I note the thought it feels like it's not me - I'm the one watching it and noting it. Then there is this odd feeling like I've "stepped back" from being inside the thought, to being outside it viewing it objectively. That's how it feels I guess, I'm either "inside" the stream of thoughts, therefore not able to see them and I'm lost in them, or I'm "outside" them, able to see them as an object, as not me.

I'm also going from the feeling of "it's wrong to feel annoyed and frustrated and angry and irritated by things, I shouldn't feel this way, I don't want to feel this way" to, it's fine, it's just more stuff to note.

I'm getting the sense also that I don't have any control over what comes next. Things happen, good, bad, neutral, fun, boring, annoying, pleasant, and I don't control what it is. I can either get lost in it, or I can note it.

3/4

I had two ~40 minute sits today. The 2nd sit was 20 minutes walking and then 20 minutes sitting. I didn't really notice anything new that stood out, except near the end of my second sit, a feeling of pressure building up in my head.

I've noticed the last several nights that it's so much more difficult to get out of bed in the morning. It feels like no matter how early I go to bed, how much sleep I get, how good that sleep is, it doesn't matter, I'm so tired at my usual wakeup time.

Though I'm more tired in the morning, a few nights a week I tack on a 30 minute sit right before going to sleep. My sleep tracker counts that 30 minute meditation as part of my sleep, but I guess that makes sense with how still and calm the body gets.

I had the image last night that I'm turning from glue to rubber. Stuff doesn't stick with me the way it used to. Stuff that I'd get stuck in even not that long ago, seems to bounce off me more with noting.

3/5
I haven't been noticing much that stands out. No more of that energy and feeling high on serenity/pleasant feelings (off-cushion), also no more of that irritating/grating stuff while noting I had previously either, though. Sitting so far is generally uneventful and going smoothly along with daily life noting, when I do that.

Today's sit, the usual, it took a few minutes to sort of settle in, very subtle feeling of pleasure, feeling like I hit my stride with noting and it became easy, saw that light show on my eyelids I sometimes get, a feeling like a pool of cool air is settling down around me (though honestly still not totally sure this sense of "coolness" isn't some self-fulfilling prophecy, like I've come to expect that feeling and so seem to feel it), and just continuing to note. I did sense a change in how noting felt after a while. It went from feeling like I was noticing individual sensations, to feeling like I was more broadly aware of the space around me and continuing to note sensations within that space. Maybe a way to put it is it shifted from feeling like it's my noting mind going out to each sensation out there in a more tight focus on each sensation, to feeling like my noting mind stays "here" and I continue to notice individual sensations within this broader space/background. So that tight focus relaxed and things were more open. That's my best shot at describing this sit. Lots of "wondering" and "uncertainty" thoughts coming up at the end of the sit.

There was a moment today while driving that I felt a little creeped out at the thought that meditation/practice is actually having effects on me. Guess I was thinking back on the energy and bliss I was feeling last week like, whoa, that was pretty powerful stuff, so, a little creeped out at the power of the practice.

Also today had a feeling of determination to continue to sit consistently each day, day in and day out, and just see what happens.

3/6
Some mornings (this one in particular) my mind just starts off like a firecracker, first thing. Like my mind just can't wait to tell NOBODY about EVERYTHING! Why the nonstop chatter?

Lots of mind wandering this morning, I slept better than ever, but felt so tired anyway. Feelings of being discouraged because staying mindful feels so difficult.

Still a part of me that feels like it should be able to control mindfulness and prevent mind wandering. A part of me that thinks in shoulds and shouldn'ts like, I should be able to stay mindful, I shouldn't be lost in thought so much after all this time. All this gets noted - in between all the mind wandering, at least.

And another feeling I had today was like - well whoop de do, so I got A&P, well now the real work begins. Probably prompted by the feelings of discouragement and hoping I have enough concentration/sitting time to continue to make progress.

3/7
Sitting this morning it felt like there's something getting in the way of me clearly noticing sensations. Like I'm noticing them as before, but through a fog, they feel more vague. I wasn't becoming lost in thought or mind wandering, I was staying with things, but just couldn't see clearly through this sort of fog or barrier. But, maybe this is only because I was meditating very soon after waking up. My body was still tired even with motivation to meditate.

Not much else to say about practice. All the stuff I mentiond above gets noted whenever I indeed notice it, including confusion, uncertainty, analyzing, 'cause I always have plenty of that stuff too, haha. Feeling a general uncertainty today about both short-term and long-term practice.

I did another sit later in the morning, but after 30-40 minutes was losing steam. Just wanted to move around more, look around more, disrupt my own practice for some reason.

3/8
There's a visual effect I had experienced a little bit before that period of high energy and bliss and serenity I wrote about in previous posts, that I didn't describe because I wasn't sure if I was actually seeing a real effect or not. But I'm getting that visual effect again after longer periods of noting, so I'll describe it here. Like when looking at things and walking past them, it feels like I'm watching a high frame rate 3D movie. Like my usual seeing is normal frame rate, but I get this "higher frame rate" effect after a longer period of being concentrated and noting. It's very subtle, not sure if it means anything or just a side effect of paying more attention to the visual field after a period of practice.

Sat at least 40 minutes this morning, plus another 15-20 minutes of walking meditation, all noting. I noticed that throughout some sits, including this one, it was like my spine wants to align itself or re-align itself to be straighter and straighter. Meaning I get the urge from time to time to sit up straighter, or to lift my chin and move my head back so it's sitting more in alignment, things like that. I always try to sit with good posture from the start, but some sits it's like my posture improves itself bit by bit during the sit.

Also during my sit today. Sometimes when I would hear sounds outside there was this odd feeling like I was "feeling" the sound inside my head, too. Not hearing the sound inside my head, and not feeling vibrations or anything like that, it was more like when I would hear and be fully mindful with a sound, there was simultaneously a pleasant feeling occurring inside my head, coinciding with the length of the sound. I don't know what that's about.

Laying down in bed before going to sleep this night, I had a very weird feeling where I was clearly seeing thoughts, felt like they would end very abruptly and then there was just nothing for a short while. Then another thought, it would end abruptly, and I would just sort of enjoy this feeling of nothingness that came after. Like it felt good to be nothing and nobody between thoughts.

On- and off-cushion, things just feel very smooth right now, for lack of a better term.
Ashley K, modified 2 Months ago at 3/14/23 5:04 AM
Created 2 Months ago at 3/14/23 5:04 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
3/9
My tiredness improved sometime last week. No more excessive tiredness trying to get out of bed in the morning regardless of amount/quality of sleep.

It felt scary for a bit to think that I don't have any control over anything, including how I am, what I'm like, how I act... I had a clear seeing at some point of how a series of thoughts, images, and sounds in my mind unfolded completely by itself with no input or control from me, whatsoever. I realized that it's pointless to think "I don't want to think that thought" because too late, you already did! And it's pointless to think, "I don't want" about literally anything that happens because, too late, it already happened!

3/10
I got this weird, stupid "content FOMO." I felt an aversion to noting in daily life, because I felt like I was somehow going to miss out on great "content" or great thinking or something... But then realized, if I want to go and intentionally be lost in content, then I'd be missing out on what's here and now.

One thing I noticed during off-cushion noting was a mind state that I was completely missing before - impatience. I noted the thoughts and sensations related to impatience waiting for the water from the faucet to heat up... and noticed how stupid it was to feel irritated and get tense and think "hurry up" when literally none of that will make the water heat up any faster, all I'm doing is causing myself to suffer for no reason.

There is still the worry that I will be totally overwhelmed by any negative stuff that comes up. I can recall in my mind past painful emotional experiences and there is an IMMEDIATE feeling of "ugh" and wanting to run away from it, not wanting to go through any of it again.

And I even briefly worried about getting lost in positive stuff, and stalling progress that way. In this case I was hearing beautiful birdsong outside that brought up this worry. So screw it, I said, I'll enjoy it, and note the sounds and note the enjoyment and note the pleasantness of the experience.

During meditation I've been having more bad memories come up, memories of sadness and hurt. But I'm not sure how much is me going searching for that stuff subconsciously because "dark night" is supposed to be next, or what. I've also been feeling more guilt during the day when it becomes clear how something I did or said caused someone else to feel upset. In the past (like years ago) I've had times of deep sadness, despair, guilt, numbness, depression, and even disgust and intense desire for deliverance from suffering, before I ever knew about awakening/enlightenment. Which I mention because, I don't feel I can point at any particular thing and say, yeah that's definitely dark night stuff, except that now I am regularly meditating/noting every day, and so could possibly expect this. But I also can't say for sure those past experiences weren't some kind of dark night thing.

3/11
Feeling better today.

My formal sit today went well. I felt able to stay mindful for the most part, noting with occasional labeling, and sat very still. I reached a point where I felt like I was closer than I'd ever been to the feeling of there being no separate self anywhere - along with a strong sense of impermanence of all sensations occurring. As this experience began I started to feel my hands and my head buzz, my hands went numb instantly (that usually happens gradually) and this very subtle energy seemed to build up in my body along with a feeling of excitement and anticipation - it just felt like something new and different was happening. The "light show" on my closed eyelids really came to life and danced around as if it drew from that energy.

It faded after maybe, 5 seconds? Not sure, I just know it was a very short duration.

After this, I tried to fall back into that sense of no separate self and impermanence by just... Well honestly I'm not sure what I did, but I knew effort was not going to do it, I just relaxed and tried to note anything that felt like "me". It sort of came back, but less intensely this time, and still a very short duration. I was 30 minutes into noting at the time. I mean... looking back, maybe it was just A&P stuff again. I don't know.

3/12
I sat for a whole hour. The first time I looked at the clock, 45 minutes had already passed and I was surprised because it didn't feel that long.

I guess not much stood out. Today it seemed like I was less aware of body sensations than usual. There were a couple different points where I seemed to realize oh, I haven't been noticing any body sensations, and when I directed my attention there, I could feel the usual vibrations coming and going in different places. 

A few times I felt a sense of calm, peace, relaxation. A few times I felt almost like I might drift off to sleep, like I had that feeling where everything kinda fades slightly for a moment and then you become alert again. But I wasn't nodding off or anything. I noted feeling sleepy and wondered if it was just an imbalance between the factors of tranquility and energy. I opened my eyes now and then to try to counteract this sleepy feeling. Is this what "dullness" is?

I feel like I wasn't "properly" noticing the arising and vanishing of sensations. Just more of a, here's a sensation, here's a sensation, there's another sensation, but not exactly being clear about the arising or the ending of the sensations. So, maybe with the calm, peaceful, relaxed feelings, I sort of let up on investigation/energy.

3/13
I was awake in the middle of the night for almost three hours unable to fall back asleep. This is not necessarily out of the ordinary for me, but it hasn't happened to me in a long time. My mind kept itself occupied bringing up images of past memories and I was faced with a lot of those. I sort of attempted to be mindful but really didn't try because - I just wanted to go back to sleep!

When I finally fell asleep I fell into a mix of vivid dreams, lucid dreams, and some sleep paralysis. I actually expected the sleep paralysis, because sleep paralysis always happens if I've been awake in the middle of the night too long.

The first dream I had was basically the theme of "disgust". Very gross stuff. But, I was lucid, so I was not bothered at all even though in real life what was happening in the dream would have been incredibly, and literally, disgusting! I just patiently waited for the dream to change or to wake up.

When I did wake up it was a false awakening with sleep paralysis, but during the sleep paralysis, my body filled with the most intense and powerful feeling of rage that shook my whole body. This has never happened before. The rage just came up all by itself. I remained mindful and fully allowed this intense emotion to take over. I have experienced sleep paralysis many times before so I know very weird and intense sensations can happen and that it only lasts a minute or two. I also heard a girl's voice in my head saying something like "let me out of here, I want to go home!" Then I slowly came out of the rage and the paralysis. This "rage" sleep paralysis experiecne happened twice. I have zero idea where all that came from and it was not tied to any of my personal memories. Totally out of left field. I was just glad I could remain mindful during the entire process.

Maybe all this has nothing to do with anything, just weird brain stuff. But, I mention it here because this dream of "digust" stood out to me and this sleep paralysis experience was very out of the ordinary for me.
Ashley K, modified 2 Months ago at 3/18/23 7:41 AM
Created 2 Months ago at 3/18/23 7:26 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
I'm still sitting, every day. Ideally, one hour. But more often it's 30-45 minutes before I'm interrupted. I will sit 2-3 times a day when I can.

When heavy, negative emotions or thoughts arise, and I am specifically NOT trying to "work through it" or think about it on a mental level, not trying to fix it or improve how I feel - the lack of all that effort is such a relief because wow, how exhausting has it been doing all that in response to thoughts and emotions for years and years and years?

Overall I'm having ups and downs again, off-cushion I shift between things like: feeling beauty, openness, quiet, mild rapture... to feeling like everything is unpleasant, feeling disorientation, self-consciousness, uncertainty, desire for deliverance, desire for equanimity. During sits I shift from feeling good, high clarity, calm and still... to things feeling all muddled and uncertain. Of course there's plenty of just plain neutral stuff mixed in there, too.

3/15
I sat for 45 minutes. It took a few minutes to settle in, and I had some random pains that eventually resolved, and then I was just trucking along with noticing and being mindful of sensations as they occurred. There was a point where I started to lose track and mind wander and noticing sensations became more difficult. Clarity never really returned, but even without clarity I got into a sense of just feeling calm and still. A few periods of irritating sensations (like an itch here or a painful pricking feeling there), a few periods of feeling restless and bored, but I noted all of that as it came up and it always settled back into a period of calm and still. Tried to stay on my vipassana game today by keeping mindfulness going off-cushion.

3/16
I sat for an hour, 5:30-6:30am, but to be fair, probably only 30 minutes of just okay mindfulness. My mind wandered a lot the rest of the time. I am thinking first thing in the morning sits are not a great time for me. 

I tried noting off-cushion and experimented with relying pretty heavily on labeling to keep noting more continuous. I think I should do that more often - using labeling more off-cushion, I mean, when I'm busy with daily life stuff that requires little thinking but not interacting with anyone, that seems like a good time to note off-cushion.

Another 20 minutes sitting and 10 minutes walking later in the morning.

Before bed, I was tired, and noting sensations felt too harsh. I just went to sleep. I know now that it's better to just go to sleep and get extra sleep and forgo an extra nighttime sit, otherwise if I don't get enough sleep, the next day I spend half my sits dozing off...

3/17
I realized I've been sort of unknowingly struggling with thoughts. Just kind of too much effort when it came to trying to notice and be mindful with thoughts, and getting frustrated with myself and judging myself for getting lost in thinking again. In my attempts to better notice thoughts and thinking, I was apparently blind to this struggle and this frustration regarding the thinking. There's a definite lack of acceptance there. So I'm going to try to relax about thoughts and thinking, don't get frustrated with myself if I catch myself thinking. Just note thinking, don't worry about the content, and get back to mindfulness. Try to accept things just as they are. "Just now, I was lost in thinking." That's it. Get back to mindfulness. I think the "softening" skill from MIDL meditation will help here.

My sit today was very pleasant. A sort of mild pleasant feeling in my head. It felt like I was noticing more broadly the space of the room around me and sensations within that space rather than individual sensations more narrowly. I sure like sits like these, haha. But I do note the pleasantness, enjoyment, and try to see one or more of the three characteristics in these positive experiences, as well.

Before bed, I sat for an hour. I didn't write any notes after and I went to sleep right after so I don't remember a lot of details. I remember finding it easy to sit extremely still for most of the sit. At some point sensations sort of seemed to pick up pace, meaning noticing more per second, a peak in frequency of noticing, then things fell off a bit after that. Although any changes in frequency of noticing sensations were subtle. Sometime after that (maybe it was around 40 minutes in, just a guess) I started having thoughts like how much longer was it going to be (I set an alarm for one hour), feeling more restless. I open my eyes occasionally during meditation, and at 45 minutes in I happened to see my phone screen light up because it was notifying me that I had an alarm set to go off in 15 more minutes. So then I knew how much time was left. I was still feeling restless but I resolved to keep sitting the full hour. I noted all that I could, the restlessness, the wondering, desire to move or get up, the resolve, even the feeling of pride that I was sitting through the restlessness, lol. That's about it.

Sometimes sits just feel like, nothing much happens. I just try to note any feelings or thoughts that I'm missing something, that something more should happen, uncertainty, wanting something to happen, boredom, etc. These "uneventful" sits do not discourage me, though.
Ashley K, modified 2 Months ago at 3/23/23 9:14 AM
Created 2 Months ago at 3/23/23 9:14 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
3/18
Today I thought I was sensing somewhat the "emptiness" of things, including the "self" I thought I was. Or I was just imagining it...

Anyway, it wasn't on a cognitive level, it felt much deeper and much subtler than that. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it felt very good and right, in a way, and made everything feel like it was connected, like everything was of the same fabric and therefore one thing, somehow.

Overall I just felt really good today, off-cushion.

3/19
I am utterly fascinated today watching some of my usual reactive patterns come up and play out. It is a weird feeling to see they are playing out by themselves without me even doing anything. And then the delayed shame/guilt patterns. What a fascinating mess it is! I can't remember now if at the time I noted the "fascination" - but I should have!

There's a feeling or a sense like I'm owning up to it all - as in coming to a sort of acceptance of it, that this "stuff" is what I currently bring to the party when I interact with other people and the world - and yet even as I own up to it and accept it is happening, I somehow sense that I am not the "owner" of this stuff.

I also had a formal sit today after a light nap: I seemed to progress relatively quickly from just noticing sensations and a slow increase in frequency of noticing, to... strong imagery/feelings that spurred wondering about a&p because it seemed out of the ordinary for me and fitting for a&p, which shifted quickly to confusion as to why I was experiencing this because the specific imagery actually made me uncomfortable, to a total repulsion to seeing/feeling this, to wanting it to go away... And after those feelings and images faded, I moved into this weird feeling that the center of awareness was being literally pushed outward away from the center toward the periphery to the point that sensations on the periphery seemed clear and in focus around the edges, with a big dark "hole" in the center. At this point I wish I'd just let things continue to unfold, but I kinda got in the way... Out of curiosity I pulled back up the imagery from before just to see if it still felt the same and found it didn't affect me now so that seemed to have passed. After this there was a period of mind wandering and I stopped the sit shortly after that. This was all in about 20 minutes.

But after writing the above notes... I put down my phone and felt drawn back into meditation, so I sat again, very still. I had sort of a vague feeling come up like I was saying goodbye. To what, I don't know. Just had a feeling like something was changing or going away. Then I thought of an immediate family member who I'd held hate and judgment about for many years, and had thoughts about lost time, the thought that I killed the connection we had by creating distance between us, even if I felt I had very good reason to become distant with this person. Feeling that loss of what was once a close strong relationship, as well as mild grief over not being able to feel the same about this person as I did many years ago. Desire to fix, to mend, to repair, to retrieve past connection. Then I had images of hugging each of my immediate family members, including this person I used to feel hate for, but a real hug for each person, not just those cursory obligatory ones. A real hug so heartfelt that the other person would feel the difference and feel nothing but love from it.

I was done formally sitting at this point, but I continued to have these thoughts and feelings come up anyway: Desire to tell my ego to just shove it and fully open my heart to love, screw the ego and its stupid stories of being hurt and why it wants to hold a grudge and put up walls. Fuck all of that, a strong desire for all that to end. To be nothing but just whatever is real, no more of that fake shit in the way of reality. To be real with people, meaning get that little me out of the way and let something better come forth and fully be.

Real talk, now. I noted... Most of that stuff. To clarify I mean noticing without labeling, just occasional labels. But I'm no perfect meditator. The rest, I sort of... Noted after the fact? Is that even a thing? I was kind of looking back and reviewing what came up during meditation and saying ah well this thought and that feeling came up, but I didn't really properly notice/note it at the time; however, I can retroactively see that it was just another thought/feeling/sensation to note. I know this is not the same as actually noticing something in the moment it happens without being drawn in, and I know that continuous mindfulness is important! But, maybe better than leaving the stuff completely overlooked?

I decided I would just move on and do my best to have more and more continuous mindfulness each sit.

3/20
I had a very vague dream about entering the shamatha jhanas last night.

On the way to the museum with my family today, I felt like I've never been happier in my life. Just felt really good. Throughout the afternoon had a pleasant feeling in my head.

Did not really get to formally sit today, I was just busy with family activities all day. But from time to time I tried to be mindful if I was thinking of it and not busy with other things.

I desire to sit and meditate more than ever, although that may be because I didn't have any opportunity today to sit. Plus it's been feeling pretty enjoyable to sit recently.

3/21
Feeling lazy with noting. Why??

I dreamed about the shamatha jhanas again last night. I'm sure it's not like what the shamatha jhanas are really like, I've always just done noting/dry insight practice and not attempted developing shamatha jhanas, though I guess I must be experiencing vipassana jhanas if I'm having real progress. The dream was probably just a mix of stuff I've read about the shamatha jhanas, how to enter them, what they might be like. I dunno.

After my nice jhanas dream, the rest of the night was crummy due to baby going through a sleep regression... just regular life stuff!

3/22
A silly kids movie made me feel all the feels today.

But I was feeling the emotions in my head, somehow. Like a new way of experiencing emotions. I used to only feel emotions in my chest, so this felt different.

I sat this morning, I'm really not sure how long because I didn't check the time, but probably an hour, though with several interruptions. Of course my goal is at least one hour uninterrupted, but when I'm watching the kids I just sit on the couch while they play, and attend to whatever they need from time to time, and just continue sitting afterward.

It felt like I had good concentration and was just noticing whatever sensations happened to be there for the noticing (with infrequent labeling).
Mind seemed fairly quiet and calm, any thoughts or images were noted. I attempt to note/label things like "looking" or "searching" when I'm trying too hard to look for more sensations or "investigating" when it seems I'm using too much effort to see one of the three characteristics in something - and when I relax afterward I note "relaxing." A few times I got lost in some thinking, and when I noticed that I had gotten lost I just noted that and got back to noticing sensations.

Nothing in particular stood out.

I sat again later for maybe 20 minutes after a workout. I feel less pressure about meditating today. Just noticing sensations. Again nothing really stood out.

And later a reclining meditation for maybe another 20-30 minutes? Strong pleasant feeling in my chest, other than that, nothing much (aside from the usual noticing sensations that came up and doing my best to keep mindfulness continuous).
shargrol, modified 2 Months ago at 3/24/23 11:53 AM
Created 2 Months ago at 3/24/23 11:51 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 1965 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
Ashley K
... There's a feeling or a sense like I'm owning up to it all - as in coming to a sort of acceptance of it, that this "stuff" is what I currently bring to the party when I interact with other people and the world - and yet even as I own up to it and accept it is happening, I somehow sense that I am not the "owner" of this stuff.

...I had sort of a vague feeling come up like I was saying goodbye. To what, I don't know. Just had a feeling like something was changing or going away.

...To be nothing but just whatever is real, no more of that fake shit in the way of reality. To be real with people, meaning get that little me out of the way and let something better come forth and fully be.

That all sounds really good! Some people talk about these kinds of things as "discovering the aquired taste of purification". In other words, at some point we finally get that we're carrying a lot of ego/psychological baggage that we just need to let go of. But of course, it's not like we can simply let go... this stuff kinda needs to bubble up and burn off in our consciousness, so to speak. So we know that we're not going to instantly be perfect humans or perfect meditators -- but rather than making us sad, we feel ready for the challenge of purifying ourself. And so even when things get difficult in practice, we just know it's something that has to happen. And it's funny because it is kind of bitter at times, but like an aquired taste, we learn to kinda like this kind of _productive_ bitterness. emoticon


...Noted after the fact? Is that even a thing? I was kind of looking back and reviewing what came up during meditation and saying ah well this thought and that feeling came up, but I didn't really properly notice/note it at the time; however, I can retroactively see that it was just another thought/feeling/sensation to note. I know this is not the same as actually noticing something in the moment it happens without being drawn in, and I know that continuous mindfulness is important! But, maybe better than leaving the stuff completely overlooked?


This kind of reflection is very important and good stuff! It's definitely a good thing to assess the things that linger in the mind or that pop-up from a previous sit. It's a kind of "fully digesting" an experience. Sometimes in life or in practice the experience comes on so fast that it is hard to keep up. This leaves a lot of "partially digested" experiences. It's perfectly fine to spend time in the memory of things if it helps with "digestion". Of course, if it just needless worry and anxiety about the past, that sort of stuff will probably just cause indigestion. emoticon
Ashley K, modified 2 Months ago at 3/27/23 5:50 AM
Created 2 Months ago at 3/27/23 5:50 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
Thank you, shargrol! Your feedback is much appreciated. I still have a tough time sometimes when stuff bubbles up, but somehow, there is still faith and resolve underneath it all and they have only gotten stronger over time.

And I like the "digesting experiences" analogy, I've caused myself plenty of "indigestion" in the past! I have spent years with the idea that digesting an experience is about figuring it out or fixing it, which definitely involves a lot of indigestion... so I'm getting that in this process, it is not at all about figuring it out or fixing it, that gets set aside so we just let things be as they are, as the sensations that they are. The mind sure doesn't like setting it aside sometimes, though! 
Ashley K, modified 2 Months ago at 3/29/23 6:58 AM
Created 2 Months ago at 3/29/23 6:57 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
3/23
Sat for a short time this morning. I had a desire for meditation conditions to be perfect, desire to meditate as much as I could, and had a fear of losing progress or regressing on the path (due to lack of uninterrupted practice time). But after noting these thoughts they faded and I just continued to sit.

Boy is it sometimes hard to just accept what is happening here and now. But I'm filled with more resolve, determination, and faith than ever.

3/24
Off-cushion:
I have this desire that is a feeling best described as - feeling like I want to (figuratively) enter a cave and not come out until I've "done it" already (stream entry, I guess) or, until I've dropped the one that thinks it's going to do it. There's a feeling like I want to spend every waking moment in meditation.

Off-cushion today I just keep on looking for where is this "me" person and of course I can't find anything and then there is weirdness and confusion. Who is it that's... feeling frustrated, having fun, being mindful, etc.? Feeling like I'm running in circles trying to see anatta.

I apparently did not write any notes after my formal sits this day so unfortunately I don't recall how my sits went this day. Nothing must have stood out or I would have written it down.

3/25
Off-cushion, feeling confusion again in the morning. Thoughts like, what exactly do I do now, am I doing things right, am I doing too much, should I do less, or nothing at all...

Then later in the morning I felt good again, just calm, like I did not feel like doing anything in particular. I was content to do whatever, even just staring out the window.

But later in the day, doing walking meditation on the treadmill, I started having feelings of irritation. And total boredom. And my body just wanted to physically tense up, so I just let that happen. I was walking and wanting to stop. So then I sat still and just wanted to walk. I walked again and right away wanted to stop again. There was a tense kind of energy spurring me to move around and not stay still doing any one thing, but it was not necessarily bothering me.

The rest of the day was marked by total confusion, stress, pressure, effort.

It's like, I know I have no control over this stuff happening (meaning irritating or confusing thoughts and feelings), but I still am suffering when it does happen. It doesn't feel possible for this stuff not to cause suffering or pain. Meaning I don't understand how REAL equanimity works or is possible, but also I know I am not supposed to "solve" things and that I can't make equanimity happen - if I could I very obviously would have already done that! I can only do my best to practice enough and practice well and trust that it will unfold at some point.

I had a 30 minute sit before bed. It felt like I was just spinning my wheels not doing much of anything but going between noticing some sensations rather vaguely and getting briefly lost in a daydream and back again. Felt like I was drifting into sleep a few times, but maybe that was because I was a little tired and it was right before bed.

3/26
Off-cushion today, I felt agitated and confused a lot. And my mind couldn't stop obsessively looking at stuff and trying to work so hard at seeing the three c's in stuff. It was like I couldn't stop it! It was frustrating. But at least, I could see the effort and see my mind was trying too hard, so I wasn't lost in it. (Looking back, it honestly seems like something I had to just let happen and ride it out - the trying too hard and all the difficulties from this day. I did briefly forget about the seven factors, maybe it would have helped to ride out this storm if I'd tried to cultivate some tranquility.)

For some reason it felt harder than ever to see anatta in things. Which I think led to the trying too hard to see anatta. Lots of uncertainty and wondering related to practice and anatta. Wishing that seeing sensations just as sensations would become default or automatic. Tried to note what I could, even though this stuff was off-cushion.

I STILL feel afraid to feel heavy emotions, because of how I might be caught up in them and hinder progress. Then I felt sad about being so afraid of emotions. Then I laughed when I saw it was like following the dark night stages... So disgust is next right?? Haha. Well, I am sick of this stuff, but, I'm being very gentle about it now. Yes, I'm tired of getting caught up in emotions and want to be done with that, tired of the lack of equanimity, and want to be equanimous. But there is a steady resolve and determination here anyway.

Finally I got to sit for meditation, 50 minutes, and just felt like I was drifting and that nothing much was happening, not that anything in particular is *supposed* to happen. I felt jumpy, like sudden sounds would make my heart race. Then just felt kinda sad. I just tried to allow it and and note stuff but somehow noting felt difficult like my mind was trying to latch onto sensations to note and couldn't quite do it. Hence the drifting around feeling.

Off-cushion again afterward, I was just feeling more confusion and uncertainty. Super strong desire to analyze and "figure it out" but knowing that's not the thing to do. Mind getting stuck in loops. Like I have a thought and instead of just noting it and moving on, the mind wants to closely investigate and replay it and say okay now look for anatta in this... Like just STOP, mind, lol. I was aware of this happening though.

In spite of all this confusion and uncertainty and getting stuck in investigation loops today: while sitting later in the day (not meditating, just sitting at my computer) I started getting this sense: deep down there is something there that feels like the best thing ever, it's like it's there underneath this "storm" I'm currently going through. Like that "best thing ever" is actually already right here, I'm standing in it, I sense it sometimes, BUT! my head is stuck up in the storm clouds so I can't see it, I can't see anything.

And somehow in spite of all this I also still have so much faith in this process.

I had another formal sit late afternoon: Mild pains popping up around the body. And general feelings of stress, pressure, anxiety! Lemme throw out some analogies to try and get at the way I was feeling: The way you might feel when you're only halfway through an hour long essay test you didn't study for and you have only 5 minutes left to finish. The way you feel when you're trying to pack a bag for the airport and you're already late. The feeling like there is something extremely important and time sensitive you need to do but you cannot remember what it is! That was the feeling during the whole sit.

3/27
I sat for 50 minutes this morning. Just tried gentle noting, noticing with infrequent labeling to attempt to have mindfulness stay continuous. Excessive tingling in my legs, although they were not falling asleep. A vague sense of spinning or moving around with my eyes closed. Near the end of the sit it started to feel like my hands were in multiple places at once, like spread out in a continuum in front of me from left to right instead of just centered on my lap. Plenty of wondering, uncertainty, reflecting. Random images or memories. Noted all that I could. Lots of uncertainty about what I'm supposed to be doing! It used to seem so clear and obvious what to do with noting, it just isn't anymore.

My mind like *needs to know.* So I note this desire to understand and to "get it" on a cognitive level. There was this feeling like my brain/mind has reached the very edge of what it can do and so it just can't go any further, so not only do I not know what to do next, I CAN'T know what to do next! So....... I just sit. And I wait. For something to happen. I note the waiting and the wanting clarity and wanting to know even though in some sense I know I can't know. My mind goes in circles and gets dizzy and I note this. I note the confusion.

Later in the afternoon, off-cushion, listening to music was unusually pleasant, and I noted this and noted the sounds of the music. I noted the enjoyment and noticed how I can't find someone in here doing the enjoying when I look, even though it still *feels* like there is someone in here. There was music, there were pleasant feelings of enjoyment. And what felt like a brief period of awareness or the mind moving back and forth between the sensation of sound over there and observer over here.

Lots of calm again this evening. It's clear the "storm" of yesterday is over. When I sat with eyes open this evening (only 10 minutes, it's all my kids could give me LOL) there was a feeling like I am aware of the whole room at once, the whole space of it, not just the one thing I happen to be looking at.

I sat for 30 minutes before bed and tonight things feel open and calm. Simple and pleasant. It feels like I could sit here all night. Just existing feels like enough right now. But I need sleep so I'm going to sleep.

3/28
Today the feeling is: Calm and settled. A relaxing and a settling down. I can see how easy it is to stop practicing and just settle and relax into this. NO! I will keep practicing.

I sat 45 minutes, and to be honest, did not notice much in particular. By the end things just felt very "smooth". Like sensations and the noticing of them felt smooth. I'm not sure I really noticed any particular progression through the sit. Just noticed the breath got lighter and lighter, as it always does. Nothing strongly positive or negative, just the usual - plenty of sounds, images flashing up, typically memories or thinking of some recent conversation. I recall noting mapping, wondering type thoughts. A few times here and there that feeling of drifting into some sleepy feeling then returning a few moments later to more altertness. I attempted to see anatta asking, who is it that is noticing, hearing, etc. A couple of times I had very faint flickering of light through my closed eyelids, not constant, it would come and go (I know that it wasn't the light in the room or anything). I've seen that before in other sits though so it's not necessarily new. Mostly trying to just let sensations do what they do, trying to just be aware of whatever sound or feeling or image was currently the most obvious. Then near the end of the sit things seemed "smoothed out" or something.

Off-cushion, there is kind of a dreamy feeling this evening. I think just from all the calm I'm feeling. I want to say there is more of a feeling of emptiness, like where there used to be a lot of "something" in me there is more "nothing", but maybe it is just all the internal quiet and calm creating that sense. Also felt a fear of the unknown, worrying both about using too much effort AND too little effort. Feeling my way through. There's this feeling of stopping of some sort. It's pretty vague, sorry that I can't explain what this "stopping" feeling is exactly. Something is coming to a stop, I don't know how else to say it because, it's just a vague sense I have.

When something bothered me this evening I more clearly noticed the urge to control. The aversion to what I'm currently experiencing. The desire to change it, daydreaming about going back in time and choosing differently, etc etc. Same stuff that always went on, but I am able to be aware of it now.

Sat 20 minutes before bed, feels like I could sit forever, but, I need the sleep.

3/29
This morning posting this there is still the calm, and there is also a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop, or waiting for the next storm to start... So I note all that when I think it or feel it. Like? No way this is equanimity right? I don't know. Doubt and uncertainty, so I note the doubt and uncertainty. But it does feel different than my other periods of feeling "good" recently (those felt more like A&P-ish with pleasant energy in the body and a joyful sort of buzz). I felt pressure yesterday to keep this (EQ?) going, so I noted the pressure and it relaxed and I noted the relaxing. In the middle of the night last night, I was awake and my mind was getting antsy. But the calm is still here this morning. "Antsy" feels like DN or Re-obs bubbling up and the "calm" feels like maybe EQ. I am curious to see how meditation sits go today and where things go from here. I'm not really worried about it at the moment. But if I do worry, I note it ;)

P.S. I'm not a noting machine though, if it seems like I'm noting off-cushion 24/7 - there are still many hours a day I'm just living my ordinary life and hanging out with my family and I don't write about that stuff here.
shargrol, modified 2 Months ago at 3/30/23 5:34 AM
Created 2 Months ago at 3/30/23 5:28 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 1965 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
I totally get how the stages of insight are so compelling and how it seems like EQ would be the answer to everything... but I would say its not that helpful to be overly focused on stages/nanas or creating the expectation that you should be in EQ. Instead, just focus on using the sits you have to learn to settle in and be gently curious about your mind as it is. Like learning to listen to a friend. Just respect your situation and trust that what arises in practice and the pace of your progress is right for _you_.

No need to rush. There's a saying: "slow is smooth and smooth is fast".
Ashley K, modified 1 Month ago at 3/31/23 7:27 AM
Created 1 Month ago at 3/31/23 7:27 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
shargrol:
Instead, just focus on using the sits you have to learn to settle in and be gently curious about your mind as it is. Like learning to listen to a friend. Just respect your situation and trust that what arises in practice and the pace of your progress is right for _you_.

​​​​​​​Thank you! I got a little "mappy" this week... And overly excited about the very nice-feeling mind states that were definitely a relief after all the stress/pressure/anxiety. I'll take your suggestions into my practice this week.
Ashley K, modified 1 Month ago at 4/4/23 9:11 AM
Created 1 Month ago at 4/4/23 9:10 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
3/30
I am very sleep deprived today. I had a few short sits, but I was falling asleep half the time. Surprisingly though in spite of sleep deprivation I'm doing things in daily life with little complaint, that I'd avoid even on my best days, let alone a day I'm so sleep deprived.

There is still this feeling like something is stopping or slowing down (I briefly mentioned this on 3/28) and like I'm just coasting along or something.

3/31
My drive to meditate has dropped way down. Feeling blah this morning with lots of mind wandering. Today I just feel like drifting along with whatever is happening.

I still have the sense of something stopping. It feels like if I sit or don't sit, things will be the same (not that I know that that is actually true or not, I'm just saying that's what it feels like right now).

I feel like I lost my meditation mojo a little bit, or maybe there is actually no problem at all. I did sit 40 minutes today. In the sit, I didn't want to do anything in particular, not even note. I would just sit and notice whatever is there to notice, then my mind wanders and I fail to "keep track" of it. So I return back to noticing sensations. Back to mind wandering. Repeat. I recall noticing a peaceful feeling, hearing birdsong, hearing the furnace running... and just nothing much more. Just noticing body sensations, sounds, seeing those random vague shapes on the back of my closed eyelids, the usual stuff.

Off-cushion I could see how different emotions, thoughts, etc become nothing more than "blips on the radar" when they are just noticed and left alone. They come and go and if I don't indulge them they just go on their way and something else comes next. But, just because I seem to know that, doesn't mean I don't still pick up passing thoughts/feelings and make them everything/all important, and get stuck in them. There are some thoughts/feelings that feel very "me" and because of that it's like I automatically just take them on without seeing them as sensations.

I sat for 20 minutes before bed, and almost fell asleep sitting up...

4/1
This morning I notice a lot of resistance, a lack of acceptance, regarding what my mind is doing (off-cushion). The drive to meditate is still diminished, though I still have this coasting feeling. I sit when I can, as always.

On-cushion - 40 minute sit this morning. I stayed alert the whole time, which normally doesn't happen with a first thing in the morning sit, especially considering I got less sleep last night thanks to thunderstorms and tornado sirens. Mostly just gentle noting. The mind started out very scattered, I waited for it to settle. Got into some stronger mindfulness and continued with gentle noting. I recall some period of mind wandering, then a period of more clarity. Then things got a little muddled again but near the end of the sit, things settled again and I had some sense of openness of awareness and noted peace. Sitting was easy and it felt like I could continue to sit for hours.

Off-cushion after the sit, things feel simple again. And there is that feeling again like something's going away and something is opening up in its place. Lots of openness. Just feels open and simple. There is some complexity that's temporarily not there. Things feel lighter and like a weight has lifted.

Later I noticed negative thoughts and feelings popping up again. That weird "stopping" feeling started feeling like I've come to a brick wall for some reason. For years I've had a strong desire to be "off this ride" (free of dukkha/samsara/whatever you want to call it), now there is a desire to be free of the desire to be off this ride. I'm tired of my mind thinking about the three characteristics, and want it to stop doing that (I mean, thinking about them isn't what I'm supposed to be doing, anyway). I had a desire to reach the top level of Daniel Ingram's hierarchy of vipassana. I felt tired of being drawn into thought narratives and emotions. I had another period of feeling confused about noting again and like I forgot how to note properly. I was aware of all of this, hence recording it here.

"Running up against the limitation of our doing/of the ego's doing" (quote from Adyashanti video I watched today) This resonated with me, it has felt at times recently like I'm running up against the limitation of the ego's doing and yet still having a hard time letting go of the ego's doing. My ego/mind is still trying to work hard to solve things. Too much effort and complexity, I think that needs to be let go of more now. Adyashanti even says, a lot of the spiritual techniques and whatnot really seem to work for a while, there is some progress, things are happening! And then, we reach this point of feeling stuck. I don't necessarily feel stuck, but I have that strange "stopping" feeling like things are slowing way down by themselves, a suddenly diminished drive to meditate, etc.

Looking back on today, it was good in that the bad feelings forced me to give up a little bit my attachment to feeling good and my aversion to suffering. If I'm just trying to run away from suffering, then how can I understand it, learn about it, see how it arises? I will have to turn around and look right at it to do that. I feel like some things I'm having to see again and again, learn and re-learn. So be it!

4/2
Today I noticed there is a very strong sense of self any time I'm noting with labeling. Because it's that noting/labeling self that's always there noting/labeling every sensation and since I don't want to get into a recursive loop, I don't note the noting.

When I drop the intentional noting or at least drop labeling and I'm just watching, the sense of self really decreases. I know, there is still this "observer" self in this scenario too, and I guess I could get in a recursive loop observing the observer etc, but, this way feels like going in the "right direction" in terms of cutting through sense of self, so I'm going with it.

I'm also kinda surprised I could stay *more* mindful after dropping noting/labeling. Previously trying something like this would have led to more mind wandering/getting lost in thought. And, I'm surprised how much more thoughts feel like just another sensation, like it's the same sense as just hearing any random sound - to use Shinzen Young's terminology, it's like "hear in" and "hear out" start to feel the same. And when that happens, I'm no more attached to the sound of a thought than I am attached to, say, the sound of my coffee cup hitting the counter when I set it down.

It's funny to me how just a day ago I was all confused about how to note, and today I'm like well, if I don't try to note at all (just notice), it's not a problem! Instead of freaking out about how to do noting and complicating things, I'll just not do it. Ha! That's a way to thwart the mind. Look at what it's having such a big problem with, and maybe there is something there to drop or let go of.

The problem is that I'm usually making something into more than it is. Things are so, so simple. The mind jumps in and complicates things. I really had an insight into this today.

When I'm so wanting to get away from the bad, to not get stuck in the bad and not get drawn into the bad, I end up running to the good, then get stuck in the good, drawn into the good. This is not equanimity. Seeing the bad, seeing the good, stuck in neither, drawn into neither, that is equanimity. Obvious yes, but I had to see how I was screwing it up to understand it. Had insight into that today too.

My sit today was 40 minutes. I felt very comfortable and like I could sit for a very long time just like that, if I could. Mostly quiet, calm. Just tried to notice sensations as they were. Things feel so simple, my mind is always adding so much unnecessary complexity.

Overall, much more mindfulness today, much less resistance to the mind and what it's doing. Much easier to be mindful of thoughts. It is surprising how much I can be mindful of with no special effort. I more easily could see a couple reactionary patterns just play out without buying into them. If I believe the story I suffer. If I react to the feelings I suffer. So, no thanks, I'd rather not suffer, I'll just watch it go on by.

4/3
This morning for the first time in three months, I wasn't immediately thinking about meditation and planning how to fit in a sit this morning. This planning and strategizing on how to fit in enough sits in a given day, has been going on in the background in the mornings all this time, but it doesn't seem to be here today. Looking back I guess I was, at times, mildly stressing about getting in a sit, and feeling disappointed if I couldn't sit when I wanted (there is so much that gets overlooked when it's happening!). To be clear I'm also not avoiding meditation or not wanting to do it. I will certainly sit if an opportunity arises to do so. Now, if I go long enough without a sit, then yeah, I'll probably need to do more planning. But there is planning, and then there is the kind of planning I was doing that is sort of driven along by subtle pressure and stress, even if I didn't really see this at the time.

My desire and drive and striving for stream entry feels at an all time low today... It is not that I do not want stream entry. I've been low-key desperate to wake up or experience awakening for many years now, now I still want to experience awakening, but that desperation part of it is not there today. Unexpected, but welcome! Seems in line with this feeling of slowing down, diminishing drive to meditate yet still coasting along, the lack of pressure to get sits in.

I didn't get much of a chance to formally sit today, but I did a little before bed. 25 minutes.

4/4
That feeling again like noting and labeling covers over experience too much, I want to more directly experience things, it's easier and simpler. So just noticing during my sit today. Letting things be as they are. Letting the mind narrate if it wants to narrate. Letting the heart feel heavy if that's what's happening. Letting a feeling of peace pervade. Focusing in on something if that's where my attention goes. Opening wide to everything if that's where it goes. There's all kinds of things going on and I just stay out of the way and it's very peaceful and relaxing.

Just a feeling of allowing. But who is it that's allowing? When I look at that, there is no allowing. Things happen whether you intend to allow them or not. I never could allow or not allow. I mean maybe I'm wrong, but how could I allow something that's already happening anyway? There's still a layer (or many layers for all I know??) of a self that thinks it's "doing" and controlling things, like allowing, observing, noticing, directing attention, whatever. If I'm noticing "observing" or "doing" type things I just try to ask, "who is it that's..." fill in the blank. I was saying yesterday that everything is just very simple and the mind comes in and complicates thing, or there is something complicating things, and there is still more "complicating" that needs to be dropped or seen through.

Anyway. Today's sit very much felt like staying with just the physical. Simple simple simple! Not making more of anything than just what it is. A sound, a sight, a feeling. And I am including thoughts and emotions in this. Thoughts are just more hearing or seeing. Emotions are just more body sensations. Lots of narrating thoughts, but minimal reflection during the sit. Sitting and just noticing whatever's there is nice. Literally anything can happen and the practice is the same.
Ashley K, modified 1 Month ago at 4/19/23 9:16 AM
Created 1 Month ago at 4/19/23 9:15 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Post: 1 Join Date: 4/14/23 Recent Posts
So, I am working behind-the-scenes to unlock my original account - oops! But in the meantime, I hope folks won't mind me temporarily using this other account to continue my practice log.

4/4
I meditated for almost an hour today, doing noting. Mid-sit it became very easy to sit extremely still. After the sit, things feel open and calm. Not much in the way of emotions came up that I was aware of. Lots of thoughts. Some mapping thoughts, wondering thoughts, narrating what's happening thoughts, remembering tasks I need to do tomorrow... Sometimes I felt like I was maybe falling asleep.

4/5
Off-cushion things feel like they've settled into a "new" normal as though I'm back to where I started pre-practice but in a much better place, mentally I guess (and still continuing to practice of course). A lot of (but not all) seeking energy seems like it really has dropped and has not come back yet (maybe it will again later). Seemed like all that efforting was going to leave me frazzled anyway, so, better to drop it.

Off-cushion I have also been having some bittersweet kind of feelings come up, to me it's like a wistful or nostalgic sadness, but not about anything in particular. Feels kind of like sadness but with a kernel of good in the center.

I'm understanding better on a deeper level that feelings and states are temporary. It is easier now to let certain states and emotions just be however they are.

"If you want to know your state, check yourself under adverse conditions. Measure your growth by the bottoms, not by the tops. You'll find that your growth goes in cycles, up and down, but that the bottoms keep rising." -Lester Levenson

I came across this quote that I had saved on my PC years ago, I like the "check yourself under adverse conditions" part. My mind does feel less reactive, overall.

I sat 50 minutes before bed. Easy to sit but sleepy at the end.

4/6
Strong desire today off-cushion to simplify, simplify, simplify. I get this desire from time to time, had it happen for years so it's not necessarily to do with my current practice. But I get the occasional urge to delete/purge everything old and unnecessary. Like physical stuff, digital files. Now, I feel like I'm doing it with myself! haha.

I sat for 35 minutes before bed today. My mind was busy with lots of thoughts coming and going. Sometimes got into some weird images and mental sounds that felt like someone else was speaking. Or sometimes it felt like I wasn't really hearing coherent words or sentences but just hearing sounds. Like someone is talking but you can't understand them very well like they're underwater or far away or something.

Mid-way through the sit, I noticed that even though my eyes were closed in a dark room at night, I was still seeing - seeing was just happening by itself. Then I felt the same way about hearing, and then feeling. After this everything seemed to grow very quiet and it felt like my whole body was going numb. Then it felt like whatever was "me" was shrinking down into this small space inside my head. My body reacted to this new experience with my heart rate increasing and my face going tingly. There was a feeling of fear maybe because of feeling like my body was disappearing. This experience then slowly faded and after that, I felt like I could sit still forever. It was actually somewhat difficult to get myself to stop meditating and move to get ready for bed.

4/7
I don't know how long my sit today was. Again, I was a little sleepy and thought I was dropping to sleep a few times, I seem to be having more sleepiness during sits lately. But during this sit at least, after the third time of dropping into sleep, I returned to alertness and remained alert the rest of the sit instead of just getting sleepier and sleepier, which surprised me. The main thing happening in this sit was hearing someone cough in the background, A LOT, and having mild feelings of annoyance that were felt as a tightness and warmth in my chest, so I just noted these sensations when they happened.

I feel simultaneously like I've never meditated so deeply before but also like on some level I'm less focused. Easy to sit unmoving the whole 50 minutes.

Off-cushion, there is some stuff happening that, in the past, would have just devastated me or left me feeling betrayed, that now is just a total non-problem. Cool.

4/8
Still finding myself much better able to experience emotions just as sensations. In fact, it's been more interesting/intriguing to watch the emotion as just its sensations than to get involved in any personal story about it. In one specific case today when experiencing emotions of disgust when remembering something that somebody I know did recently, upon reflection it seemed the personal story not only was unnecessary, but would have just created a bunch of suffering. I just let the disgust rise up and move through and that was that. No amount of story-making or thinking about it necessary.

I had a very short sit before bed. I was spacing out a little. But I can't tell if I'm just spacing out and not paying close enough attention to anything, or if it's more like a different mode of attention where I'm taking in a lot of stuff all at once. Still though it felt more vague than my usual noting.

4/9
Definitely a lot more tranquility and peace in recent sits lately, especially today. The tranquility and peace lasted for a while after I was done sitting today.

4/13
Well, I had several days where I have not really been able to sit. I did get my taxes done, though! lol... I will try harder to actually sit daily for at least one hour.

I sat for 30 minutes today. I was doing noting without labeling, any sensations I was aware of. I had feelings of what seemed like anger/annoyance/displeasure (in that ballpark at least) that involved tensing of the muscles in my abdomen, holding my breath, stiffness in my hands and arms, scrunching up my face and nose, tension around the mouth, and flashes of sharp feeling prickles and warmth through my chest any time there was a sound that I perceived as unpleasant or unwanted. I just sat with all that and the tension and scrunching eased up over time.

4/14
I sat one hour today. I felt sleepy during the first part of the sit. Kept kind of drifting off. At some point, the drifting off stopped and I stayed alert the rest of the sit. It always surprises me when that happens because I would normally expect to just get sleepier and sleepier.

I did noting, without labeling for the most part. Closer to the end of the sit, things were getting very relaxed and calm, so I actually brought labeling in for a little bit to ensure I stayed with things. I labeled along with noting maybe once every few seconds and then dropped labeling again.

At some point it just felt like the right time to get up again and when I checked this was at the one hour mark.

Off-cushion, there is a sense of peace and calm, but I can't pinpoint what it is exactly that makes it feel like there's peace and calm. How do I know there is peace and calm? I don't know, I just feel it. Everything also feels new and fresh, in a way. I don't know. Maybe just the continued effects of mindfulness and not being lost in thought.

I was feeling kind of lost and confused this morning, like just not knowing what to do now. I even felt like I was getting a taste of emptiness but in the bad way - like, everything being devoid of meaning kind of thing. But sitting seemed to make that better.

You know what is hard sometimes - investigating the three characteristics in the "good" stuff. Like sensations of peace, calm, openness, love, connection, tranquility. It is hard to just see them as sensations instead of just getting lost in the niceness of it.

4/15
Feeling right now some combination of - a feeling like heartbreak, mixed with some despair, and sadness, and disappointment. I feel like I'm being emptied out of old emotional crap. Feels like, there is a burning ball of energy inside my chest along with these feelings. It feels all tangled up. With bursts of sadness. There is no crying but the energy from this feels "pent up" the way it feels before you begin a cry.

So, "mourning" and "grief" are way too strong of words to use here, but it's like the sensations I am having have hints of that in it. It almost feels like I've "dug down" into the layer of my mind where all the heartbreak I've ever experienced has been stored up, it's all similar feelings so all stored in one place (or I might just be making that up as a result of feeling these feelings, like a story to explain why those feelings are here). Feeling into the sensations sometimes triggers memories of specific times I felt this way in my life. Like "emotional time travel."

I am okay with feelings like these coming up without meaning anything, per se. Meaning, I do not feel like I need to jump in there and make it into a big thing by figuring out, why do I feel this way, where is the problem, then how do I fix it. That really feels like, completely unnecessary.

Overall today I have a strong desire to sit and meditate. I no longer have that "wanting to go into a cave and get this thing done fast" feeling. Now the image that came to mind when I thought about how I feel in general about practice is, just walking slowly through a quiet forest, enjoying the journey, no end in mind." Probably have that image in mind due to the tranquility, peace, how the "drive" to make quick progress in meditation has slowed way down in my practice lately. I mean, the goal is still stream entry. 

4/16
Noting/meditating seems really difficult today.

With all this "slowing down" recently I've felt like I've hit a plateau where it SEEMS like not much is happening (whether that's true or not is another thing, this is just how it feels to me). Today for some reason though I sense a "light at the end of the tunnel" - not literally, it's just that somehow I just have this feeling that things will eventually "get moving" again if I just keep making time to sit. That I do not have to make this "plateau feeling" into a problem and I do not have to worry about it, that making it a problem and worrying about it just makes it stick around! It's just something happening and things always change so some time this will change too. 

I am pretty sure that knowing about all the classic meditation practice traps ahead of time does not help me avoid falling into them, lol! But I guess it helps me recognize them sooner and so get out of them sooner. Blind spots are the worst though because by definition you cannot see them no matter where you are looking. I had a fun three months of chasing the heck out of the map so, I'm getting used to this backing off from "mappiness".

4/19
As someone who had all but thrown labeling out the window, I have brought it back. I have had difficulty staying with things using noting the last several days, maybe longer. I have found it difficult to sit for very long, when not that long ago sitting for up to an hour was easy. Just noticing was no longer cutting it, noting wasn't even working, so labeling it is! I was better able to stay with things during my short sit today and note sensations using labeling. 

Since I'm not chasing the map and risking scripting myself into things, I don't know where I am progress-wise, lol. I still very much intend to be on the path to stream entry, whether it happens in 10 minutes or 10 years, so I'm continuing to practice daily using noting, adding in labeling or dropping it as needed.

I'm hoping I can get back to sitting at least an hour a day, I will try today even if it seems like a "bad" or unfocused sit.
Ashley K, modified 1 Month ago at 4/26/23 9:36 AM
Created 1 Month ago at 4/26/23 9:36 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
4/20
I sat 3 times today, 45-50 minutes each time, noting practice.

It's still easy to sit very still. It was hard to get up from the third sit (inertia!) but I wanted to go to bed and get enough sleep.

I noticed thoughts near the end of my third sit like, why am I even doing this, spending so much time sitting when nothing at all seems to be happening. And strategizing thoughts wondering if I should note or investigate "differently" or if I'm spending too much time noting the wrong things as if there is some hierarchy of sensations and there are better sensations to note that I'm missing (which as I understand it is not true? or maybe I am missing something). It was very easy to slip into thinking, how is sitting here listening very intently to the sounds of the neighbor's lawn mower supposed to make enlightenment happen? lol.

I also noticed a lot of the urge to analyze and think. It still feels sometimes like I need to be using my mind to figure things out.

4/22
I tried to sit before bed, but I just ended up drifting in and out of that slightly "out of it" space between waking and sleeping. I'm not sure sitting like that is any good, aside from just keeping up the habit of sitting. Certainly I'm forgetting I'm meditating and not noting during those brief periods of drifting off and then returning to alertness.

4/23
Today there is a strong "over here" and "over there" feeling like I am very separate from everything that I'm looking at and experiencing.

Even if I can sense "not self" in the body itself and in the mind, I still feel like there's a "me" in here looking out from this vantage point inside the head or behind the eyes. I try to note whatever sensations seem like the "me" over here, but they seem very nebulous and hard to find. I wondered if the looking for it itself is reinforcing this sense of self and therefore not a useful thing to do. That maybe the "looking" and "searching" for the "me" should be noted as such without getting lost in it, nothing more.

4/24
Still sitting daily. A lot of sits lately don't have much that stands out.

I did note confusion in my mind the last few days during sits, plus analyzing the confusion. There is a strong desire to resolve the confusion instead of just letting it be. It feels wrong to just let it be, because confusion is uncomfortable and I'm just used to reflexively thinking and problem solving in the face of confusion. So I do my best to note the confusion, and also note analyzing or any attempts to resolve it through thinking.

What else? Off-cushion my mind feels more open like some old thinking patterns or beliefs went away without me really noticing specifically which ones went away or when. Once in a while I notice there is a lack of much emotional reaction or thinking in response to something that months or years ago would've triggered a lot of that. Oh, but there is certainly still plenty of emotional reaction and thinking that does get triggered. I do my best to just note it and let it be but it can be frustrating sometimes.

I resolved to myself this day to do noting practice off-cushion for the entire day, as much as I possibly could, getting back on track immediately after any period of mind wandering. I resolved to balance it to be sustainable, no over-efforting that would burn me out, no being intentionally lazy either. It worked well in that I spent more time noting off-cushion than usual.

In my evening sit, I definitely got into some kind of altered state. I felt deeply concentrated (I was doing noting, so, momentary concentration), thoughts were very much in the background and barely noticeable much of the time (though there were still thoughts that I noted when they showed up).

There were subtle, visual effects. With eyes closed, there was a very diffuse subtle light pervading. With eyes open, my vision felt like it slowly expanded from the typical feeling of looking at a single point, to opening up wide to the whole panoramic view of the room, like I could see the whole entire room as one thing all at once. It almost felt like things in the room were "flattening out" into one thing, like taking in a big photo of the room all at once. All sensations like sounds or body sensations were very clear and noticeable, so I was feeling very alert, relaxed, very still, calm. Sensations in the body turned into a feeling like champagne bubbles, like an effervescent feeling in the whole body. Nothing much more happened after this, I simple remaind in this concentrated state and continued slow noting of sensations. The meditation naturally ended around one hour, I just started moving a little here and there, which kind of "broke up" the feeling of deep concentration, and I ended the meditation there.

This entire meditation was marked as sleep by my Fitbit, which is maybe only interesting to me, but I'll write about it here anyway, lol. A brief portion in the middle the Fitbit decided was REM (there were heart rate increases plus anticipation and subtle fear when the altered state began showing up, maybe that was it), and the last 15 minutes were marked as deep sleep when I indeed felt very still and tranquil yet very alert and concentrated. I was definitely awake the entire sit.

I wondered if the extra off-cushion noting allowed me to get to deeper concentration more quickly in my sit. I plan to continue resolving to do off-cushion noting every day, as much as I can, and see how that goes.
shargrol, modified 1 Month ago at 4/26/23 1:14 PM
Created 1 Month ago at 4/26/23 1:14 PM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 1965 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
Your practice sounds really good.

Yeah, it's important to sit consistently even if it _seems_ like nothing much is happening or the sit borders on sit-sleeping emoticon    

But seriously, those sit-sleep sits can be very important. When the thinking mind gets very soft during these evening sits, when our daily discursive thinking mind drops away, that's when some interesting experiences/insights can pop up.

Keep doing what you're doing!
Ashley K, modified 1 Month ago at 4/28/23 6:31 PM
Created 1 Month ago at 4/28/23 6:31 PM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
Thank you! Your feedback is appreciated. Off-cushion practice has seemed very difficult for some reason, but I'm about to do another evening sit now, so at least trying to keep that consistency. Hoping to increase off-cushion practice over time in a sustainable way.
shargrol, modified 1 Month ago at 4/29/23 5:35 AM
Created 1 Month ago at 4/29/23 5:33 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 1965 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
Probably the most important thing is to find a quantity of daily sitting practice that feels right. Some amount that is challenging but not overwhelming. It's sort of like physical exercise: the recovery from exercise is as important as the exercise itself. If you don't recover, then you don't really get the benefits. 

Off cushion practice can be helpful, but it can also sort of burn you out or make you feel like you are in a rut... so definitely be sensitive to what is really happening for you. It's okay to use off-cushion time to not-practice and recover.  For some people, off cushion practice is great and keeps mindfulness going, but for some other people there can be such a thing as too much practice. 

A lot of this stuff just takes trial and error to develop a good sense of balance. It's never going to be perfect, but on average, over time, you want a balance between practice and recovery. Best wishes!!
Ashley K, modified 1 Month ago at 4/29/23 6:09 AM
Created 1 Month ago at 4/29/23 6:09 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
Thanks so much emoticon I am getting a feel for what times of day on-cushion and off-cushion practice work best, so I will try to focus more on using those windows to my advantage.
Ashley K, modified 24 Days ago at 5/5/23 9:18 AM
Created 24 Days ago at 5/5/23 9:18 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
4/26
I had the same "altered state" in my sit this evening that I mentiond near the end of my last update. This time, it felt like it snapped into place suddenly. In a moment the room took on a flat, wide, panoramic view, and I felt mild effervescent tingles in my face and hands. Late into the sit it felt like any effort dropped and it felt more like passively noticing rather than actively noting. This sit also naturally ended at the one hour mark. Very easy to sit still.

I think I had some insight into anatta in other people. I also think that my mind took that and maybe did a little imagining based on that insight as a way to try and understand or describe it. So I'm not sure where insight ends and imagination begins, but - I could sense "emptiness" in other people (myself, too). I felt some interconnection between everything, feeling that things just happen as they happen, like it's this beautiful, predetermined dance, just unfolding moment to moment. My mind thought of the phrase "emptiness dancing" (taken from Adyashanti).

4/27
Today I had a fear of losing something, that in this process I will lose something tangible, like losing my "self" means losing something real that I have now and won't have later.

4/28
Today off-cushion I am experiencing the feeling of simultaneously 1) being so sick of everything, the pain and suffering of life, and 2) facing the fact that someday it all has to end. Like I'm experiencing clinging to this life and aversion to this life, both at the SAME TIME! It sucks.

Today was tough. Lots of lost in thought, stuck in negative stuff, ruminating. I sat 30 minutes before bed, but straight up fell asleep sitting up!

Going to sleep, will try again tomorrow.

4/29
I was feeling today like my morality training has been a bit too neglected lately. There's no big issues or problems in my life or anything like that, I just feel like there are small things I can do in my ordinary life to make things better or easier for myself and others.

Today I sat about 1 hour. I recall noticing that the usual feeling of "self" kind of faded into the background over time. I noted any time it seemed like I was using too much effort investigating the three C's, analyzing, etc. Otherwise I was just doing my best to notice details of whatever sensations presented themselves, wherever they were. Just pretty calm, overall no specific emotional quality. Body sensations felt more "flowy" near the end.

My mind narrates a whole lot, as usual, but noting off-cushion gives me some distance from the stream of thoughts. After some time they just sort of carry on on their own like someone left the TV on in the other room.

Very much enjoyed sitting today.

4/30
I'm noticing a pattern where I will have a few sits where I can easily sit still the whole hour, but every few sits, I will feel some irritation towards sensations or frustration come in and mess with my mind a little. It becomes harder to stay still and keep going, it makes me want to move around a little and give up on the sit early, usually 20-30 minutes in.

Since I'm better aware of this pattern, next time the irritation or frustration comes in, I'll just try to keep sitting and note and not get lost in it. It's funny how quickly things go from, "it's so easy to sit forever!" to, "it's impossible to keep sitting!"

Off-cushion I am having some bittersweet feelings again. Like a combo of appreciating the good of the now, and knowing that everything has to end, people will pass, it's inevitable.

5/1
Feeling tons of disgust and desire for deliverance type feelings today. I don't necessarily mean the stages, but the terms "disgust" and "desire for deliverance" very conveniently describe the types of feelings I am feeling today. Lots of intense rumination over one thing that happened this morning I didn't like that made me feel disgust and frustration and brought up all sorts of other thoughts and memories. So, it could just be me getting stuck in ordinary life drama that is bringing up disgust/desire for deliverance type of feelings. Still though, I feel extra disgust today, like kinda sick to my stomach almost when I stop and note the sensations involved. And of course there is aversion to all the negative stuff and wanting it to go away.

I feel uncomfortable sensations in the body, in my gut, tension, lots of tension and burning feeling in the chest. Lots of restlessness. Very irritable with people and about things. I found sounds themselves irritating (sounds that are usually just neutral). So this thing that happened this morning is an issue in my ordinary life, but the emotions and body sensations and mental activity that stemmed out of that really seemed heightened. Maybe I was focusing in on them too intensely and getting too sucked into all the drama going on inside over it. But I swear, 10 minutes of real dedicated meditating took the edge off. Maybe it's as simple as, I was just taking my mind off of that problem.

5/2
Yesterday was no fun, having the mind stuck all day on negative things, while struggling with KNOWING I was stuck in that, having a hard time remembering positive things and good things and being loving and forgiving and understanding with other people.

I feel like being very gentle today, especially with myself, others as well. I feel that feeling like, after a good cry. Had some hard times yesterday, today is like the aftermath, healing, recovering. Finding a way to get through it better next time.

More thoughts about morality practice today, thinking I want to do more with the morality side of things.

I sat just now, maybe only 30 minutes. But right near the end felt like I was reaching deeper concentration/tranquility/calm. That's about when my 4 year old came bounding into the room! haha. Also near the end, I was seeing the images of "the meditator", myself seated there, as though I myself became an object to observe, rather than being the one doing the observing of all the other stuff around. I also remember near the end of the sit, an effortless letting go of everything, each sensation as it happened, but I wasn't actively doing any letting go, it was just happening by itself.

5/3
I sat for 30 minutes. I'm definitely getting into nice pleasant-feeling states, eventually feel very still and tranquil, some periods that feel pretty vague, and there are definitely still thoughts popping up or the mind telling a story about what is happening, but the thoughts have a lot of space in between. Not much happening beyond just feeling still and tranquil, and I note these things and get a sense of one or more of the three C's in them. Things are flowing again today, like nothing gets stuck in the mind.

I sat another 50 minutes in the evening. It felt like I'm not really noting well or mindful enough by the end of the sit. I also had that sense again by the end like the thing watching, the observer, was not actually me. The watching, the observing, became just another thing happening, part of everything else happening, happening by itself. A feeling like I was going to merge with what I'm looking at. Just super still, super calm. It felt like the mind got quieter and quieter, and then even as my concentration was feeling more stable and strong, the mind got really noisy again. Then I started to feel less mindful and got a little sleepy.

I did wonder, though, if I am experiencing subtle dullness - when I feel like I'm not noting well, not mindful enough, getting too passive and tranquil. Feels nice, but is it too passive for insight meditation? So, there is uncertainty about if I'm doing what I'm supposed to, noticing what I'm supposed to, or getting too dull and missing stuff. Then there's this analyzing, analyzing too much. More things to note, I guess, in future sits.

5/4
Off-cushion I am feeling some kind of distance from, or space around, reactive patterns, which is interesting. Just the feeling like they are playing out on their own, even if it's a negative reaction, it's fine, they just happen and I continue on.

There is even a space around positive reactions to things. I guess I'm just not currently in a "contracted" mode of being where I feel stuck in thoughts or emotions or am ruminating. So, enjoying the peace and calm.

So, I started thinking more about morality practice yesterday, and just thinking of the most simple things I could do to just make life a little better, for myself and those around me. I really mean the most simple stuff, like, put dishes in the dishwasher right away, instead of letting them pile up in the sink. Do little chores around the house first, so my spouse won't have to. More quality time with the kids playing their way, even if I think it's a little boring... the kids love it. Taking better care of my diet, exercising more. 

I had a long sit today, maybe one hour and 15 minutes or a bit less. Trying to remember what stood out. It felt pretty similar to my recent sits. Nothing much seemed to be happening, just doing my best to note sensations. But, feeling like it gets vague after a while, and like maybe I'm being too passive, too dull, and just too relaxed and not enough noting or investigation.

Any shifts were very subtle, so, by the end of the sit, sitting there did feel different, but it was a very subtle difference and hard to put into words. It felt like things got kinda choppy in a way, but it was very very subtle. Meaning, all sensations had that very subtle choppy feel, like things coming in waves or pulses, but again very subtle, not obvious pulses. Attention too even. Whatever it was that was observing the sensations had that feel, too.

I mentioned on a previous day this pattern where 20-30 minutes into a sit I'll feel something negative like irritation, frustration, or something, and that happened again this sit, too. This sit it was more like feeling disappointment that nothing much seemed to be happening. I almost stopped sitting, I even checked the clock and saw I had sat for 30 minutes already. But, I kept going, and ended up sitting another 45 minutes.

I sat again for 30 minutes before bed, but there was lots of mind wandering, not feeling like I was doing a good job staying with things.
Ashley K, modified 19 Days ago at 5/10/23 8:53 AM
Created 19 Days ago at 5/10/23 8:53 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
5/5
I sat for an hour and a half. Just 90 minutes of doing my best to notice sensations. Labeling was too much so I did noting without labeling. Some mind wandering here and there. Seeing some brightening on my closed eyelids over time. Some fear at one point. Feeling tired of meditation at one point. Never really felt the urge to stop, though. So, I just kept sitting. I felt a lot of effort even when I thought I wasn't using much effort. There was always some efforting felt somewhere in the body. Tension in the center of my body.

5/6
Not feeling great, feeling weird today, I did not sleep well. I was awake for two hours in the middle of the night and couldn't fall back asleep, I just kept listening to the stream of thoughts going through my mind on and off for the whole two hours. I don't even remember a single thought I had or topic that I thought about, at all. I wasn't interested in thinking for two hours instead of sleeping, but I didn't feel I could control it and waited until it kinda spun itself out with enough space between thoughts that I could relax and fall asleep.

I am catching myself this week sometimes seeing seated meditation as a form of escape. Escape from whatever it is in the current moment I have aversion to, and likely clinging to the calm and tranquility and quiet I often have in seated meditation.

It seems like there is something else to see that is not related at all to whether meditation or experience is judged as "good" or "bad". Like "good" and "bad" don't matter, but my mind doesn't know any other way to operate than to judge things good or bad, to compare, to measure progress.

I sat for 1 hour before bed today, took no notes! Same old kind of sit I guess.

5/7
Sat 40 minutes this morning. Not sure if I'm just wasting time or not. Feels almost like I'm just, hanging out for a while.

All I can really remember is that at some point I couldn't tell where my hands were. They were clasped together in my lap and never moved, but it felt like my hands were both way off to the left of me and off to the right. Mostly just hanging out. A worry that there is no progress happening and I'm just going to sit like this daily forever with nothing ever happening. Wondering if I have no idea how to tell the difference between a useful sit or useless sit. Thinking about subtle dullness again.

I sat for an hour in the afternoon. Very calm, very still. Any emotions were very subtle. Lots of thoughts, all the time. Mind wandering early on but established better mindfulness after that. Gentle noting. I guess a couple times had the sense that there was some subtle shift and things would become slightly more clear and I'd be more alert and my visual field would brighten slightly. But also felt like I was spacing out but still alert and aware. Slow noting, for the most part, no labeling. Some tension related to investigation. Maybe trying too hard to investigate the three c's at times.

5/8
Unfortunately, I spent a lot of time ruminating on something that bothered me today. Nothing but the negative story, negative beliefs about it, running through my mind, along with emotions and body sensations. But I was aware of all of these things, the beliefs and the story and how it's causing all this discomfort and suffering. Yet, I feel like I'm clinging to it anyway, out of habit. I couldn't shake it.

Was awake in the middle of the night last night. Thinking about purification. Thinking about the fruit of the Spirit from the Bible (love, joy, peace, patience, kindess, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control). I had to memorize those years ago so I think of them once in a while. I felt uncomfortable thinking about any pain I may have caused other people during my life. Wanting to rectify that. Wondering about what I have left in my wake as I go through life? Wanting all my crappy conditioning to GO!

Had some thoughts about hurting others in the past, even inadvertently, and feeling so bad about that, wishing I could go back and apologize and say I know better now. Thinking about the hurt/guilt dynamic in relationships and how although I feel that's gotten a lot better for me over time, it can still be there and I'm tired of that.

More interested than ever in loving kindness, understanding, brahma viharas sort of thing. And not even forgiveness, but understanding that forgiveness is not even needed in the first place if you are not hurt and you don't victimize yourself. If you feel you need to forgive someone then you are still believing in the story that you were hurt by them. Without believing in that story, what forgiveness is needed?

Feeling again like I did that day where I was sick of being the way I am and wanting to be different and better. Get my stupid little self out of the way and stop acting from that conditioned crap and have something better and wiser and kinder to act from. Miserable about having no control and not wanting to be stuck the way I am - for the sake of other people!!! I want to be a beacon of light and love, as cheesy as that sounds lol. Not a beacon of whatever conditioned crap happens to be triggered at any given time.

I would like to get all that conditioned crap undone, please and thank you. But it's like as much as I feel has been undone or at least seen through, it feels like it just uncovers loads more.

5/9
I sat before bed for just over an hour. Gentle slow noting without labeling mostly.

I sat very very still, concentration deepened over time. Some diffuse lightening over time on my closed eyelids. Nothing strongly emotional came up. I just remember feeling a lot of pressure in my head in the last 20 minutes of the sit. First half of the sit had some sleepy drifting as I was tired but that went away for the second half of the sit. I also love sitting with eyes open so I did that for most of the last half of the sit.

I am noticing recently that the mind is sooo slippery. I feel sometimes like I can be watching for sensations (including mental sounds and images) SO closely and then after just a few seconds I realize, ah, I was thinking right then or picturing things in my mind without even realizing! So I note it and am back to mindfulness. Very slippery mind. I think that this slippery mind has been so slippery that I didn't even notice I was having so many gaps in noting/mindfulness. I think this has been happening in all my recent sits. Now I'm just getting a little better at noticing those gaps.

I remember reading tips from Kenneth Folk in Contemplative Fitness on how to deal with slippery mind, so I may look into that.
Martin, modified 19 Days ago at 5/10/23 11:50 AM
Created 19 Days ago at 5/10/23 11:50 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 552 Join Date: 4/25/20 Recent Posts
I think you are nailing it, including in the places where you wonder whether you are doing anything at all and keep going anyway. 
shargrol, modified 19 Days ago at 5/10/23 12:40 PM
Created 19 Days ago at 5/10/23 12:40 PM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 1965 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
+1 

​​​​​​​keep going straight ahead, even if you aren't really sure what direction that is! "not sure" is just another experience to note!
Ashley K, modified 18 Days ago at 5/11/23 5:39 AM
Created 18 Days ago at 5/11/23 5:39 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
Thank you both, the feedback is helpful! I will keep on keepin' on.
Ashley K, modified 13 Days ago at 5/16/23 4:35 PM
Created 13 Days ago at 5/16/23 4:35 PM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
5/10
I sat 45 minutes before bed, and became painfully sleepy by the end, or I would have sat longer. It seemed similar to recent sits. However, I stayed with stuff better, with fewer gaps in mindfulness, fewer experiences of "slippery mind". I remember getting the feeling at one point that the stages of practice are no big deal. I thought they were the BIGGEST deal when I started this practice months ago.

After my sit laying in bed waiting to fall asleep, I noticed confusion again, but this time, it was just something happening. Confusion did not feel uncomfortable, I wasn't in the midst of it, and there was no urge to try to solve it or figure anything out.

5/11
I sat for 40 minutes. I think I stayed with things better again. I just tried to "ride the wave" of sensations, or keep up with the stream of thoughts, mental images, sounds, etc. It's an ever-flowing stream of stuff. No sleepiness or drifting off during this sit. I walked around slowly another 10 minutes after the sit. For some reason walking meditation has never appealed to me much but I will do it occasionally.

I sat for an hour and 10 minutes before bed. It felt like much longer than that, though. About a minute into this sit, I realized that although I used to feel envy over the meditation experiences of others (which I hated to admit), that's not there now. I got the sense that no experience is more or less "valid" than any other experience. Including experiences of boring or nothing happening.

Maybe 2/3 through the sit I felt that no experience is special, with a feeling of sameness to everything. 50 minutes in it felt like the sit was gonna fizzle out or come to a stop, I even checked my phone to see the time so that's how I knew it was 50 minutes in. I didn't know if I should keep sitting, so, I did. I got really tired after another 20 minutes and wrapped it up.

It was easy to sit very still. In the latter half, there was more mind wandering and not staying with it or noticing it as much.

5/12
I sat for one hour and 15 minutes before bed. Nothing that different from recent sits. I remember lightening on my closed eyelids (very very subtle, diffuse), some very subtle/mild effervescent tingles at one point, no emotional anything whatsoever except feeling tired of meditating very briefly or feeling uncertainty. Sometimes I got a subtle warping or spinning sensation which felt like things were moving while staying completely still. Weird tingly pressure in the middle of my forehead near the end of the sit. Very still and calm, I thought of the word "even-keeled" to describe the overall sit. Very seldom labeling, I only labeled subtle emotional qualities or "thinking" or "reflecting" - there were a lot of reflecting thoughts, either about this sit or remembering past sits. Lots of just noticing. In particular, though, it became less of noticing specific sensations in and of themselves, and more noticing the transience of the sensations (anicca) and noticing how they are happening all by themselves (anatta) regardless of type of sensation.

5/13
Intended to meditate during a one hour window I had, ended up doing some other things at first, looked at the clock, saw it had been 20 minutes, and thought "it's been 20 minutes already! I could have been meditating for the last 20 minutes!" And at the same time I recognized that it was a total non-problem and that it didn't matter at all that I did not spend the last 20 minutes meditating. It was like there was a "me" in there watching this "other me" complain and have a problem, while the "me" was not perturbed at all and just watching it and noting that it was just more thoughts and that it was not any kind of problem at all.

Just under 1 hour sit before bed. Totally lost mindfulness by the end. I'm so tired I'm not sure I can even remember much to report. I wasn't tired during most of the sit, just near the end and now. It didn't feel as good of a sit in terms of mindfulness and staying with things. More mind wandering and lost in trains of thought and almost falling asleep several times. Ah well. But it still seemed easy to sit still and I'd surely keep sitting if I weren't so tired.

5/14
Sitting this morning (only 10 minutes, the kids woke up a little early today), I had the feeling of not being able to stay "on" any sensation because they were ending too quickly.

I had a 30 minute sit in the afternoon. I was very sleepy, complete with a full on falling asleep head drop near the end. Mind wandering thinking about a job interview I have coming up and just replaying the day in my mind, we had family over today.

I had another 30 minute sit before bed. I planned right before the sit to focus first on establishing mindfulness and investigation, such that energy would arise, so that maybe I wouldn't get sleepy. I don't know that this plan actually made any difference, lol, but I did not have any sleepiness during the sit. I had the feeling of drifting gently as though heading toward sleep almost, yet I did not feel sleepy; there were no head drops, and I would sort of drift back to more alertness gently, rather than feeling abruptly brought back to alertness the way I am when I really am drifting off to sleep.

I stayed with things better during this sit. The narrating mind was unusually quiet. I gradually shifted into something more equanimous - early on in the sit, I was having thoughts about two or three specific things that brought up sensations of feeling bothered, frustrated, worried... Later in the sit, there were more thoughts about those same things, only there were no accompanying sensations of feeling bothered, frustrated, or worried at all.

5/15
I sat 40 minutes in the afternoon. I stayed with things for the most part. What stood out near the end of the sit was seeing images in my mind of "the meditator" so, myself, sitting there on the pillow.

A couple of times today off-cushion I would watch how sensations were constantly changing and get a sense of not-self with anything that at first seemed like my self (in particular, with thoughts and images that flash up in the mind) and this would leave me feeling weird. A little discombobulated! lol.

I sat before bed but it was a short sit, only 25 minutes or so. I just got too tired.

5/16
I sat for 1 hour this afternoon. Still have the feeling of not being sure if I'm on the "right track"... but still sitting. And noting the uncertainty when I notice it. I did feel very relaxed and still and calm by the end. Same old same old, easy to sit still, breathing gets pretty light. Felt a very light and subtle buzzing in the body near the end. Just noticing sensations - sounds through the open window, hearing thoughts, seeing images in the mind, mostly eyes closed.

I ususally start with noting individual sensations, but my sits move toward a more open awareness of sensations where I get more of a sense of anicca, and anatta, although sometimes I feel like I have to apply a little effort to see anatta, which feels basically wrong (the effort part I mean). I can't say I was exactly noting the effort when it happened, but I'd let it go and go back to just noticing sensations/anicca. I feel progressively stiller and calmer, but it's not continuously more still and calm, it fluctuates, until in a longer sit the still and calm and relaxation deepen enough to be dominant in my experience. I note "waiting" or "anticipating" when it feels like I'm waiting around for something more to happen.
Ashley K, modified 5 Days ago at 5/24/23 8:02 AM
Created 5 Days ago at 5/24/23 8:02 AM

RE: Ashley's Practice Log

Posts: 30 Join Date: 1/18/23 Recent Posts
5/17
Had a job interview this day, so I was pretty much occupied with that...

5/18
I sat about 40 minutes. Got to a place where I was very very still, calm, peaceful. I recall feeling mostly neutral. Some mild joy which I noted. Kind of a spacey place. But, I wouldn't say I was spacing out. I just was letting things happen. Waiting to see where things would go. Noting or noticing whatever. Barely perceptible breath. Afterwards I experienced calm and ease off-cushion.

Another 50-ish minute sit, reclined, before bed. Lots of half sleepy bits but never fell asleep and didn't feel like I was going to fall asleep. Skin got a little tingly all over. It didn't even feel like I was noting at all. It felt like more just open to letting sensations happen whether I actually noticed them or not... Just hanging out. That's all it felt like, yet not exactly passive, it was never boring. There was some subtle fear at one point.

5/19
Another reclined sit about 45 minutes before bed. Except this time, basically a whole lot of almost falling asleep...

5/20
I sat for 30-ish minutes in the morning. My 4-year old was in the room so there was random stuff happening like getting poked in the arm by a fake chicken leg from his toy kitchen. Well, it gave me a lot of interesting stuff to notice, at least!

It did feel like I didn't get very deeply concentrated at all, the sit felt very casual where I wasn't trying that hard to meditate or do anything, I suppose because it's not my usual environment (quiet room by myself) and I didn't have high expectations for the sit.

Late in the sit I noticed a lot of tension, I think it was related to trying to actively do things - such as, focusing, listening, actively directing attention, looking/searching, and investigation. The tension seems to be with that. I can't seem to *stop* the efforting and the tension exactly, but I can notice it...

Before bed, I sat 30 minutes really feeling like I was forking it up the whole time. Mind wandering like crazy. Most of my mind wandering is all about job stuff, ordinary life stuff, mentally preparing for going from this sort of "mini-retirement" back to full-time work. During this sit I was straight up falling asleep so many times.

5/21
Two long busy days. Birthday party yesterday, people over today. Mind occupied with thoughts about job stuff. No real time for a sit except before bed and that usually means a short sit half falling asleep...

I did sit for almost an hour before bed but hardly remember much from the sit. The only thing I remember is bittersweet feelings early in the sit.

5/22
Had a sit this morning, don't remember how long (probably not that long), and it felt like a real slog. Can't stay on task with noting or even just noticing stuff. Slippery mind, but I get completely distracted for long periods of time, not just a few seconds. Feels like I can't stay focused. Oops, I guess I should have been noting these things. And noting my aversion to them. Didn't do it, on account of all the mind wandering I guess. But will try to keep it in mind for the future...

I sat 20 minutes before bed. Short sit! But felt like I stayed with things mostly and a couple of times felt a shift into some kind of altered state, or maybe a better way to phrase it is, a different state of awareness - more open with a "just sitting" feel. The breath got so still I barely noticed it at all. Stiller than still. Hardly any effort anywhere. Can't believe how quiet the mind got but thoughts did still come through and I could hear them clearly. At one point I was surprised at the ease and clarity of noting or noticing sensations. I think often times in meditation I have had the feeling like awareness (or maybe attention is a better term?) is trying to chase after a sensation, keep up with it, or follow after it... and during this sit, it was not like that, it was like awareness was right there with the sensation, no feeling of having to follow after it or chase it or keep up with it.

5/23
Sat for 30 minutes before bed last night. Sat for 20 minutes again this morning. I know those are short sits, but they were nice sits.

I'm really not meaning to slack off, I will try to get back to 1 hour sits when I can. When I get used to being back in job-mode, my schedule will adjust. Weirdly enough I anticipate MORE opportunity for a mid-morning or a mid-afternoon sit once I am working. It won't be part of my job hours, obviously, but starting work early in the day would easily open up a 1-hour partially paid/partially unpaid break for a mid-morning or mid-afternoon sit.

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