Hello, this is my first post.  I've struggled with loneliness and have internalized a sense of "otherness" from a young age.  I'm affected by past trauma as well, often hypervigilant of my surroundings in public spaces.  As a result of countless negative social interactions and violations of trust, I don't trust easily.  This makes it almost impossible to truly connect with others. I don't think I can honestly say I have friends, but I talk to some people from my past more than others.  I want to adopt a more positive mindset, but find it extremely challenging.  I battle with thoughts of suicide often, but ultimately see the pointlessness of even oblivion itself.  I don't have much hope, but somewhat reluctantly remain open to the possibility of change.  I just find life frustrating in many ways, and I struggle to see the meaning of life because of how horrified I am by its ugly aspects.  Although I recognize there is good too.  Just harder to notice for me.  I hate the dissonance of wanting to connect, an inborn human urge, and simultaneously wanting to live in isolation, never again to be affected by the world, the people in it, or their various opinions.  So many insincere and egotistical people in the world, often hypocrites as well.  Makes me wonder if I'm truly missing out on something or if isolation is the true blessing in all of this suffering.

If you were guaranteed success by infinitely powerful gods at anything you choose, what would you choose?

To finally be free from my ego and experience the unconditioned reality.  It's feeling that I am separate that causes me such an inordinate amount of pain.  

If you achieved that, what would be different in your life? Feelings aside, what would you be able to do differently then?

I would be able to do anything I applied my mind to.  I would finally be free from this curse.  Through diligently applying my mind I'd be able to cut through all fetters to true understanding.  My personality or core beliefs about people may not change much, but a deep acceptance of that which I cannot change would be present.  And I would no longer experience a desire to change things at all, simply allowing them to happen.

That makes a lot of sense, and that's a good goal to have.

..But then what would you do? Assuming you now have meta-okayness as Kenneth Folk calls it, and suffering no longer touches you, what would you choose to do? Go sit on a mountain top or in a cave? Apply your mind to some career, job or purpose? Anything you would like to create or accomplish?

Since I was young I thought I would be going into medicine as a physician.  Until recently that was my plan, but I became disenchanted with medicine after seeing how even beautiful and noble professions can become tainted and corrupted, all for money.  Now I'm not sure, I just know I'll be led by my interest which is science.  The brain I've always found fascinating, I want to learn more about it.  There will be plenty of opportunities to contribute to research.  As for a cave or mountaintop, meh, I have a feeling I've been there done that.  I don't want to be bored, and living in a modern age has its perks.  Ultimately I don't care what I do, just this nagging feeling of hopelessness weighing me down, is quite inconvenient, and eats away a lot of energy that can go to other things.

I can relate. Oh boy, I can relate. And I can attest: one's baseline level of wellbeing, peace of mind, & contentedness can improve dramatically through dharma practice. The distortions in one's perception, the mistaken assumptions one habitually makes about reality, can be cleared away, over the course of years, such that one's basic capacity to experience stress, mental hindrances, and negative emotion is dramatically reduced. And the path to achieving this is well understood, well mapped out. Furthermore, there are countless methods developed over centuries to suit people of all dispositions; the internet contains an unimaginably vast trove of dharma resources of many kinds, usually obtainable for free; and there are numerous people who have travelled the path who would love nothing more than to guide a committed and enthusiastic student, many of whom are willing to teach via video call or other remote communication medium. I've come to believe that liberation from suffering is actually a remarkably achievable goal. In many ways, the opportunities to achieve it have never been greater, nor have more people had access to these opportunities. Now it probably won't be easily achieved, but it is basically do-able, if one can put in the work, in the same way as obtaining a bachelor's degree or mastering a musical instrument is do-able, although in some ways the process is fundamentally different.

I sympathize greatly. The mind can contract into a dark narrow pit of misery and hopelessness. But you are reaching out to people, by creating this thread. That's extremely positive. One can feel unmotivated to even seek help. I'd encourage you to continue availing of all sources of help. Medical help, social support from relatives, etc.



I've sometimes wondered, is there something like a "step 1 to living well", a basic piece of advice that could be given to any person which would set them in a positive direction in life. I think it's something like "have faith in reality", i.e. have faith in the basic nature of reality beyond the content of our thoughts. Through dharma practice, one can come to understand experientially the basis for this faith, such that one develops an unshakeable confidence in one's basic nature. So if one can adopt, as a working assumption, the highest most positive view of reality one can conceive of--something like "all is an expression of unimpeded freedom and perfection"--that would serve as a really excellent foundational belief which would align with the Mahayana Buddhist view. On that basis, one would then naturally open to and embrace the world. This would counteract our real enemy, which is the small deluded mind contracted around a narrow, distrustful, fearful Self. And one must persevere, as one's faith is inevitably tested continually by various circumstances, in one's dharma practice, gradually opening up more and more, until one has achieved unshakeable confidence.

The way I see it, Metta is the organizational principle of the universe.  Water being one of the most important physical manifestations of Metta as it is the source and basis of all life.  But knowing that is unsatisfying to a degree, because although I can rest assured knowing it is kindness that holds this universe together (how could it be anything else, the universe would have been destroyed a long time ago if a more virulent force was its foundation), the enemy in my view is actually Mara.  The small contracted mind is one manifestation, the larger manifestation is the horde of humans under Mara's influence.  But I'm fighting an enemy that's intangible, a demon, a pesky and imbecilic demon that knows his fate yet is not satisfied unless he brings as much destruction and death as possible before he's finally extinguished with the mass enlightenment of the ignorant bulk of humans still currently on Earth.  There are good forces and evil forces, but until people wake up and are aware that they are being influenced by the toxic aspect of "their" minds, they'll continue fighting, blaming, killing each other out of "self" preservation.  Mara is laughing at them all, he wants as many humans as possible to keep him company in hell.  Mara I see as the one exception to the eternal law of change.  In many ways he is the universe's greatest mistake.  And his fate is death and destruction.  It's my hope that no one will be left but Mara in the Universe when it inevitably is destroyed.  And with its destruction that we finally purge ourselves completely of our most disgusting and reprehensible qualities, the parts of us that really belong to Mara.

That makes sense to me. It sounds like you are seeing a balance or a struggle between forces that bring about suffering and forces that relieve suffering. I would agree, that's a basic feature of all sentient life. 

Do you have a mediation practice at the moment?

Yeah, I started at 13 but didn't start meditating daily until the start of the pandemic.

What is it like?

​​​​​​​I'm asking because there are things that I will sometimes be able to see in formal practice, and those things depend on the practice that I am doing. So if I knew what your practice was like, we might be able to touch base about specific things. For instance, we could talk about Mara and Metta in the context of things that are seen in practice. I'm also asking this because my sense is that you are looking for thoughts from other people about how to relate to the world. But that is really just a guess. 

Jordan, I am sorry for the outcast feelings and mistrust; I know how painful this is for me, when they happen.

I don't want to add much to the reply by B B I resonate with. It is a sign of trust that you reach out. I recently read In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Maté. It is heart-touching, and might be worth reading, if just for knowing you are not alone in this realm (the main focus is inner pain and trauma; there is a chapter on meditation as well).

PS Since you asked about isolation: Theravada (and, I suppose, generally Buddhist) perspective: no, isolation is not a blessing. Monks/yogis take refuge in Buddha, Dhamma (things as they are, or perhaps "faith in reality" as B B writes) and Sangha — the community, teacher and peer support. Solitude is used functionally, as a (at times) useful external condition for meditation.

My meditation practice started out with just guided headspace meditations, body scans, breath as the meditation object, visualization, etc.  I also practice martial arts, I see that as body or moving meditation.  Recently I've worked in chakra meditations paired with visualization and have started to experience what I can only think of as Jhana.  Though at this point I'm still not sure.  Eudoxo, thanks for the recommendation, I will check it out it sounds interesting.  I started out Theravada, now I see myself as more Mahayana, but I don't see a huge difference between the lesser and greater vehicles tbh, I could be wrong.  Ultimately both are working towards the same goal, whether individually or collectively it's the same.  As for Mara experiences during meditation, in my head Mara has my voice, he's the "inner critic" and it's quite easy at this point to dismantle his reasoning and insults.  He's not that intelligent, and depends on people not paying attention, or blindly accepting things without scrutinizing them closely.  But his deception targets your emotions, your insecurities and worst fears about yourself and perhaps others.  I suspect he's prepared a trap for each individual based on their past karma. And continually leads individuals who are not mindful to create bad karma through their present actions in this life, which affects how their life turns out, and where they end up after they die (hell is where he wants to send you).

Those all sound like good practices! It sounds like you are doing quite a bit. 

You mentioned otherness and isolation vs connection, which put me in mind of boundaries and distinctions and then you also talked about Mara vs Metta, which is a type of dichotomy, and it occurs to me that all of these things can be useful standpoints for looking at emptiness, which is, in turn, one way to experience a greater sense of connection. Once you have identified the distinctions and the boundaries, you can run your mind along those boundaries and see what happens. You might know all of this already, but I mention some that have helped me feel both more open and more connected.

With the breath, I bring up the thought, as I breathe, from time to time, that it's hard to say when the air outside me becomes breath moving into me, and then dissolved gasses in my lungs, and then the oxygen powering thoughts, and when the gas within me becomes the air around me, and then part of the plants around me. So it's hard to say with precision where the boundary is between me and the world. The same is true of thoughts. At one level, they are my thoughts, but if I am thinking with words and concepts, which I had to learn at some point, then like the oxygen in my body, they came from outside, and it's hard to say that this is all me, or that this is separate from the world. 

One can even, very gently, run the mind over the boundaries of ideas like Mara and Metta. I like the way you describe Mara. I know the inner critic well. Also, my inner voice can sometimes be helpful, reminding me to avoid things that will cause pain, perhaps even the traps you mention. So there is a space where it's hard for me to tell if the inner voice is, harmful or helpful, Mara or Metta. Most of the time it's clear, but if I go looking I can find almost paradoxical overlaps. This makes the edges of these ideas a little less solid, which can take some power away, and maybe allow us to see different parts of both, which may have been hidden by the hard edge before. 

If this is a bit too woo, or you already have this down, that's fine. For me this kind of softening, and making things more porous makes me feel closer to the people around me, even strangers on the street, when I realize that, as well pass, I'm part of their world, and they are part of my world, we are sharing gasses, and physical space, concepts and, because of that, a little Metta, which, as you say, is the organizing principle. I can notice it when my focus is inclusive enough to see it. 

My introduction to this way of seeing was from Rob Burbea's detailed and gentle book, Seeing That Frees. He also has a great many dharma talks on https://dharmaseed.org/teacher/210/

I appreciate your perspective Martin. I hadn't thought about it in those terms before actually.  And I do experience difficulties softening the edges, and with getting drawn into dualistic thinking and feeling.  I experience emotions that are more intense now, mostly negative at this point honestly, I'm affected greatly by things in the world I see that are evil, no other way to describe it.  But I try to take on the perspectives of others in history like Marcus Aurelius and others, to help me navigate complexities of mind and emotion.  Accepting the limits of my control, and the presence of both good and evil in the world.  Which is much easier said than done.  Most of the time it results in me just feeling numb, which tbh I find preferable to feeling positively or negatively.  At least in nothingness there's stability, and no expectation of anything from anyone.  Ultimately there's no escape from all forms of suffering, everything is connected after all.  But we can greatly reduce it thanks to philosophies like Buddhism.  I can fully control my response to what the world presents me, that's the highest goal and the only thing I see worth striving for at this point.  The world is often indifferent to cruelty and injustice, likewise I can be indifferent to those that try to throw me off center or drag me into unnecessary arguments or conflict, gossip about me or others, etc.  It's a way of living that most won't understand or accept, but I don't care, as the way worldly individuals live I see as foolish, and what they care about I see as trivial.  So it's not a loss to me, not being subject to vapid and dull conversations about superficial topics with equally superficial and dull people.  They say loneliness is deadly, but I'll chose a solitary path even if it brings me pain.  Because I've been around people for the sake of connection who meant me nothing but harm, well documented the disadvantages of being surrounded by jealous, untrustworthy, and spiteful individuals who call themselves friends or lovers.  I'd be a fool myself to willingly subject myself to that over and over again.  For what?  Connection lol.  I'll always be connected, just not to people in my life.  The hardest part is accepting it, everything else falls into place in time.

Metta practice would be of great help. The quality of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts. If you have rubbish thoughts, then your life will be rubbish. You need a better quality of thoughts. Metta is the way of generating beautiful thoughts of loving kindness for beings. I have made a blog post of my experience with Metta.  ​​​​​​​ ​​​​​​​

Yesterday I chanted Metta mantra for almost 12 hours. I felt incredibly light and happy afterward. Anxieties, worries and other sufferings were greatly reduced and a feeling of joy was manifest inside of me. The world outside was incredibly fragrant, full of different kinds of aromas. Usually I don't feel so much aroma in the air, but after doing metta, my mind and senses were purified. How is this possible? I was full of thoughts of benevolence toward other beings and myself and it was great, sublime, wonderful. Please consider practicing Metta mindfulness to reduce your suffering.

You have already shared a link to your article on the forum. Do you really need to dig up an old post to do it again?