Hi all,
new to all this stuff, im sorry I don't know any terminology to be honest, I only came here after a conversation with End in Sight in the claims to attainment section of the forum.
Basically i came across Ruthless Truth in April, after NO knowledge whatsoever of anything to do with this, after 2 weeks of trying I saw there was no me. It was a change that left me feeling like a new person, still does, the running inner commentary all but died, fear for the most part died, and I was in a fantastic mood for weeks/months with the exception of some doubts and old feelings from time to time, even the very act of looking at trees blowing was incredibly relaxing , sometimes the doubts that would arise would last a few days, sometimes a week or 2.
After a while I settled down and stopped caring that the phases/dounbts went in and out of deep/non deep if you get me.
And I reached a point of being nice and chilled, completely empty , slight bliss, very peaceful, and a complete lack of centralness when deep, and just feeling rather normal feeling when not "deep", some deeper fears never really went away either, like my fear of public speaking, and one or 2 things like that, also irritation began to very slowly subtly creep back in, mainly when I was not in a deep phase.
I'll be honest , I thought I was as done as someone can be, I thought being irritated from time to time, and even some pointless fears was a matter of just putting up with it, and accepting it, or tackling it the conventional way, i.e. I thought it was just part of life, or that maybe over months/years of post no-self natural deepening it would go away.
I was convinced I was finished, and it was just a matter of taking care of a few small bits and pieces, reason being , whenever I saw someone mention "no self" being an insignificant step, I couldnt understand how they could play down something that had such a permanent life changing impact on me(so far anyway). I heard reports of people feeling crap after a few days etc. Whereas 8 months later and I still couldnt look back and play down what happened that day.
But then after chatting to End in Sight and looking far more into my own feelings ,emotions, thoughts ,etc I now
A: See that its simply not good enough to have some of those feelings because they are quite clearly due to a lack of clarity, and
B: Can tap into stronger feelings of peace and gain an even stronger clarity than I thought.
And that is just from serious focus the past 2/3 days on my second by second thoughts.
Problem is , I feel more exposed to potential negativity than ever before, what I mean by exposed is, when it DOES happen I feel like I can see it alot more, that it aint clouded by anything at all.
Other problem is that i worry that im on a wild goose chase at this stage, that I can induce some cool feelings with serious focus but it doesnt serve much purpose unless it induces a stable unbreakable permanent shift, even in the face of fear.
So really, I dont know where Im at , and im not sure where I should go from here. As I type this im feeling peaceful and clear, but that can be easily contradicted by one moment of fear. I would love to get to a stage where those potential moments cant even occur , even in the most "scary" situations.
Any thoughts?
thanks for your time.
