I've been having a meditation of extremes; much success very quickly, and then enormous hurdles perplexing me to neurosis.

On account of the speed of success I've been unable in the past to describe my experiences properly or to comprehend the path and practice well, and as for the hurdles the problem has always been that I've focused too much on concentration without realizing it.

That last point is very important because the basis of this entire post relies upon it. That my practice has changed dramatically since one day little more than a week ago I began noting with an emphasis on understanding that each moment is a new experience, to be spliced from the immediate memory I had of it before. Within only five or ten minutes of this, coupled with dialing in the perfect amount of laxness (which for me means emphasizing the object rather than the investigation), I discovered that I no longer needed to verbally note, it was a hindrance, and as this became easier and my constant re-awareness spliced more finely, without realizing what was happening until afterwards, the meditation took on a life of its own, the spiced awareness kept speeding until I noticed it seemed like I was completely in the present and suddenly it drops out and it's difficult to be aware, but I know I've just entered the third jhana, then with peripheral awareness attempted noting, but it seemed contrived, it seemed that the third jhana, in the state, was beckoning me to note mental processes now, my consciousness, perception, awareness, things that I used to only experience deep in samatha-esque EQ. Then one after another I hit all the classic landmarks, which is interesting because only before have I ever had the fainest sense of Fear and nothing more, and what's more, a sense of why they occurred became clear, that I on account of the dissolution of my body I had to confront my awareness and consciousness and found they, too, to be ephemeral, and thus Fear, and an emphasis on the endings of things, and it sucked and so induced Misery, and at this point it became very clear that my normal life was despicable, which was profound, because I've been there and done that, up to EQ many a time before, but this time the dry insight was so very much more clear, and then Disgust, and while battling I realized it couldn't get any worse and thus I wanted it over, but then I realized that all this wanting and striving was just as empty and I'm thinking, "oh, fuck!" and Re-ob hits, but since I've done the DN so many times before it didn't effect me, I seen that it was just as hollow as my feelings of wanting release and boom I'm in EQ.

Here is the real profundity: Normally in EQ it is opaque white for me, and very expansive, with a sharp diffusion with my body and an infinite space. I feel still and every thought seemed to echo like in a dark room, and eventually formations arise, and even with this I've had my WTF moments with apparent blip outs that seemed like, within a half second, a black slit arose like in a horizon and consumed me, or rather, it felt what was left of me merged with the formation, the last shreds of my awareness as I struggle to count or note my breath or whatever feeble thing is left.

Not that this time was entirely different except that there was no apparent shift between the DN and EQ (although the other day, in one of those samatha states described above, there was a double dip after a very steep drop from Re-ob, which I only know because it was causing me doubts of my EQ, so I checked MCTB of course) and also instead of feeling expansive and three dimensional it felt narrow and one dimensional, but of course, it was chugging along very quickly, about 5 or so minutes till DN, then about 10 minutes to get through it, then maybe another 10 in EQ, normally in the samatha states it takes about 45 minutes. Anyways, I just noted my EQ and anticipation, though they were low, as I've been there and done that, too many times has my sudden heart racing destroyed the formations. Then deep in the formation suddenly, and very unexpectedly, my eyes tighten and I feel like I'm falling forward, only I'm not, it was already black (not opaque) but I feel like it got blacker, it seemed to be a blip out. Not to mention up to this point there was a swelling anticipation like before an APE, then afterwards nothing, I felt so finished that I immediately stopped meditating.

Normally I cycle a lot, a tingling and sometimes tickling knot of energy behind the nose means I'm in the 3C's or A&P, the DN is quite obvious enough, EQ I don't notice too much, except feeling the naivity or carefreeness of a child sometimes, and the lack of motivation to meditate. Now I don't meditate anymore. I did 2 - 5 hours a day, now I have maybe 1 hour in 3 days. I don't seem to cycle either, except I get that EQ feeling here and there, and yesterday while laying down with my gf I felt an anticipation and then that same sinking feeling with my eyes tightening occurred, out of nowhere.

Does this sound like anything?

PS. I forgot to mention that normally I did the samatha thing by accident, I think, after I commenced peripheral noting at the onset of the third jhana, the shift must have been a poor one, prior to that, obviously to get there, though with poor technique, I must have been doing vipassana.

Also, normally after a couple days of poor meditation of a complete lack of it, I will slowly get DN feelings and slip back into Reob, by a week I'm in hell. Now nothing. And no urge.

Lastly, for the last month or so, I'll constantly have this pattern where I can't meditate well, and have to slowly hit the 3C's, this might take a week, I'll break into A&P and hit the third jhana within a day usually, then I'll be chilling in low EQ the next day and then I'll be in high EQ within a couple more, maybe this will last a few more days, maybe it won't. Sometimes there's a WTF blip, often times not. Then before I know it I can't meditate one day and the cycle repeats. Maybe that means something?

Hope you all can help!