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what was that ..?
Answer
12/6/09 7:09 AM
After practising various forms of esoteric things from 16 to about 20 I had a number of experiences. In meditation my body became a rainbow and rippled, I experienced blissful episode and then one day in a forest reserve on a cloudy day I lay down on a hill feeling nausea. I dozed and when I awoke and looked through the canopy of trees at the light slanting through the clouds I had no body was part of the scene I felt one with everything there was no time and no death. I don't know how long it lasted. I never spoke to my friends and went home.

That night I had a panic attack. The first of many over the following weeks, then the frequency diminished but I have experienced "hypochondriacal" anxieties and panic attacks to some degree for many years. I became a mental health practitioner and learned to deal with them.

After that 1st panic attack I stopped the esoteric rituals and meditation. I kept an occasional intellectual interest in Buddhism. So 28 years later I am returning to the path from which I fell. I have recently started to meditate and will concentrate on the Buddha-Dhamma.

But I am 'curious' what was the experience? And what, if anything does it say about now?

Any comments would be much appreciated.

RE: what was that ..?
Answer
12/7/09 12:54 AM as a reply to William David Bodell.
William,
Thank you for posting your very personal experience. Unitive experiences such as the one you described are a dimension of the A&P event. A&P's can be so mind blowing it induces some people to believe they have attained enlightenment, which of course they have not. Whether the yogi likes it or not or is prepared for it or not, you are then plunged head long into the Dark Night which can be a very scary place, hence your panic attack and subsequent recoil from it. Energetically, the dark night is a very unstable place and can often give the feeling that you are losing your mind. If you react badly to it, it just re-inforces the initial response and associated negative feelings and anxieties. If you have not already read Daniel's MCTB you should as soon as possible. It is an extraordinary resource and meticulous in detail and insight. You should be able to orientate yourself through that. One other thing, I don't know much about the biochemical predispositions people have toward panic attacks. Yours reads like an extreme example of what the Dark Night can be like, but I think here perhaps you need the advice of someone further along the path than I. I hope this helps you some what. Welcome back to the path. I wish you well on your journey.
Paul

RE: what was that ..?
Answer
12/7/09 1:54 AM as a reply to Paul Hurley.
Paul

Thank you for your reply. I have come to be familiar with anxiety. Thank you for your concern and I think it was the lack of a knowing person that lead to me 'dropping the ball'. I hope for better luck next time and appreciate the community here for any help it offers.

Bill