I'm not sure how to phrase this question, or even if it's more an observation than a question, so I'll just jump in.
During my sit just now, it occurred to me how I seem not be able to 'penetrate' sensations and mind-objects that appear concurrent with observing simple breathing in-and-out. There's this fear for example, that is underlying all-pervasive, and yet trying to dive into that sensation feels infinite, somehow unfathomable. It is and has historically always been the same with the breath too, that on one hand I can observe it and follow it, but somehow never penetrate it or really fathom it. When it comes right down to it, the breath is a prime example for how all other mental objects get perceived currently, as naggingly unknowable somehow, perceived and yet I can't say anything for sure somehow. Doesn't make me a great conversationalist. ;)
I guess there's a sense that, while I have a resolution in mind as far as a semi-conscious purpose goes, whatever sensation I'm observing seems divorced from that, not concerned about endings or comings-to, and that fact, the unfathomability, is just unfathomable, hahaha. I think that's what's truly meant by lack of control. It occurs to me that, abstractly speaking, as a psychological being that's a root of much suffering, that the psyche is built on plans and images and frameworks and purposes all pasted together, and everything going on is just divorced from that and irreconcilable, the sensations themselves being just...bare, I can't really find the right word. I guess I mean the sensation of breath itself as it's observed seems markedly separate from all the goings-ons of the mind, with the mind clammering to make some kind of sense of it and not seemingly able to exist.
Anyway, that just occurred to me.
EDIT: there's really just this one moment to turn away from - I still haven't got it, but everything falls under one heading, all variations on a theme. There isn't all of this or that to decide on or recognize, there's just this one moment that's always been the same.
