Hi Guys,

Iam new to this forum, because I read the book From Daniel M Ingram,
which is a very nice book by the way. Iam very impressed by this forum
and his practices and explanations for spirituality. Hands Up!

To my person,

I have never practised consciously Insight or Concentration Meditation for set up times.
But I was interested in spirituality/philosophy/psychology and reading a lot of books for 2 years.
I am not very disciplined in life and very spontanious, which got even more during my trip backpacking
2 years australia. I made a lot of experiences and my personality changed extreme.

So to the point,

Lately I made an amazing experience, which was the most beautiful incredible thing happening to me.
Maybe its important to mention, but exactly this day, I decided to give up the search for enlightnement/unconditional Love from others and said to me just do things now and dont search for anything, because the time before was emotional very hard!
I was on a dance contest from a girlfriend of mine and I watched and listened the whole day to the same songs
12 hours. I was a bit tired aswell, till something happened I will never forget!
I was sitting in the audience and just drifted into a straight look in the wide room.
I started to get totally sunk and the feeling was like peace,equanimity which got stronger and stronger.
After 10 minutes or so it was like I cannot get out of this anymore and it still felt so good.
I perceived normally the surroundings, but it was all more silent and peaceful, it was like I am the Ocean now
and not the wave to describe it with words. It was feeling good and maybe you can say I had no I sense anymore?
After a while the perception was like everything is just happening, people walk, I walk, things come things go,
but it was just all happening, i had absolutely not any feeling of control and was not afraid of it, it was like heaven.
I started to walking around normally acting, but my perception was totally new, that everything is just happening
and I was thinking, what the hell, nobody has control and something like a life/ universe force is just doing all life.
This lasted for 8 days and I told all my friends,family members about it. Normally I wouldnt do such thing?
Now its not anymore, but there is one thing I am intellectually absolutely sure now, there is no doer.
In this experience for 8 days I was completely sure there is no doer, now my I-sense got back, but Iam still 100% convinced,
how it really is, because of that experience.
My question now is, what was this experience and what practice can i do to come back to that feeling and acting like I described?
I posted an article on www.gurusfeet.com during that experience and from the tone of voice, writing you can see I write from a different perspective, in this article there are also useful things about the time before that experience, it was kind of meditation,
what I did!
I am very happy about any helpful comments, about that experience.

Here is it:

Hello,

It is very weird. I started two 1 year ago to go inward, because I met on my travels a guy, who was very angry with me and he was very good. I started being radically honest a method from Brad Blanton a psychotherapist. I came back home
to my parents after 2 years australia. It was an intense time with emotional turmoil with women, with views from my parents, because I was a very free spirit in australia and back to germany and the structure very different. I am 24 years old and lately I used the Inquiry method one time( Who is it having this feeling and so on). It was already very peaceful, but now there is something much more. My person/I was on a dance contest with friends and watched 14 hours music always the same. Suddenly my look came completely empty, my mind blank, I saw the surroundings and it was a silence all the time, no paranoia, just silence perceiveing the surroundings. After 30-40 minutes I started to walk around and everything was so new like I am just perceiving and without control where I go. The actions were all for the other I have the feeling. It is so new and weird its still there its just perceiving all the time and my eyes are single and a little bit pressure in the middle of eyes in the head. Mind is all the time blank if I choose to, just new thoughts pop in, because its all new. If I dont like what a person says, I get angry,but in a silence or I just go into silence, but it is always new, like I dont care to be angry,this experience was like an experience of onenes and I saw the beauty in a silence under all things and was disidentified with mind and body maybe. But now I have feeling like Ramesh Balsekar that everything is happening according to gods law or consciousness. Its like a little child just perceiving. I dont have any plan and its like my person is just walking to everything and people to watch them and try to bring harmony or so. My person doesnt care anymore, just doing, sometimes there comes the thought you cant do that( tell them about your experience and insight), but then my person does it without control. I dont know, its weir. If I try to describe it to people, sometimes my person just goes straight look blank, silence, smile! I wake up in the morning now and dont know whats happening, think sometimes about going to family members just be with them or to friends. Its also a bit like I start from the blank. Today my father said with a arrogant tone of voice, that I should cut the wood for the oven. I was angry with him, but its like my person doesnt care anymore. He was after friendly and I automaticely cut the wood. Its all happening without control, I always go blank and then out of that something happens, but most of the time I just go to people watching them and listening and always try to bring them back to the moment or so. After I told my aunt this she suggested me to go to a neurologist and I will do it, but Its like I dont care
Now its normally time to get a job and I am not afraid of taking one, but actually my mind is blank and I have no control. Its just 4 days ago since I had this experience and its not that Iam doing nothing, but its alwas blank and just happening! Now I have to laugh M person walks a lot, but its more without destination, completely spontanious and I say to everybody what I experienced and think sometimes it maybe an error and they will kill me What is this force doing all this? God? Sometimes I just stand in front of family mebers now with alook of a little child, who doesnt know what to do and thats how I feel, but my person doesnt get emotional involved long just in that moment and one second after blankness perceiving silence. Its funny
Whats this?

The guy I met in australia, was a friend of mine. He was very loving and kind like a little child and we all stayed together in a hostel and it was the most familiar and fun time in my life before my experience 5 days ago. It was a community of sharing, fun and love for me and others. And this guy was a personality, who seemed to be carefree,loving but totally unneedy. From my perspective now its very different to before. A lot of people inclusive me got jealous and I told him, that I dont want him to take my girlfriend I was together with, because I saw that he is like a magnet. He didnt do it anyways.
But I was still jealous at him, that he is so popular. Before I came into the hostel and during that time I wasnt completely honest to me and always wanted to be more or so. In before I met a guy who told me how to learn to be more successful with girls and it started, with all the self improvement stuff for betterment n social things and all the usual goals you have. I was a virgin so its understandable
Sure I didnt tell my girlfriend and thats the reason, why I just left her and made her sad, because I didnt show my true self and pretended to be someone else. After the good time in the hostel Bjoern seemed to pick up my signals of betterment and then he freaked out, but with love behind. I left but 6 month later I was in the outback and felt lonely thinking about the time with Bjoern andd the others and then I heard his words all the time* Is that really important?*That was the time, where I went more Inward and got into things like radical honesty and questioned my fake personality.This process, that you start being more honest with yourself, lead me up to the point, where you admit, that you just want to be unconditionally loved. 2 weeks ago I told my girlfriend this and she broke up. All this time especially lately was a time of sadness and it gets emotional all crazy, because you become like a little child and pick up every signal of danger in others and show reactions to it. Now I would say you go more and more into the moment and become like a child, but what do you think how society reacts to this kind of behaviour? Its not easy I watched movies like american Beauty with my girlfriends, to get them to understand me and views in general about life, to show them what kind of fake personality they have and with the hope not to see all these bad character traits. I told my girlfriend, that she is totally cold during sex and my body reactions were scared of her and I was always scared that she will leave me oneday not because I wasnt confident, but because I could sense that she is searching even more than me. I was searching aswell, but I searched unconditional love, the basic underlying search behind all things so i was scared of a woman who searches for kinky sex, or fame or other things, because the more you search the more you hurt others! Yeah and then it came this experience and it changes everything.The realization that everything is happening as it should be under the command of god or consciousness silence, brings a totally new understanding. You are consciousness, the perceiver, all emotions are okay, the problem of the human suffering is that the people dont bring up their denial and all the emotions up to the surface till they perceive like a little child, who is helpless.
If every human would remember the experience of unity, which is actually just the rememberings I think from the unity before the I got created as a child, it would be heaven on earth. Its just that everybody takes the habits and opinions from his parents unconsciously in his life and so there comes guilt over emotions. If you make this unity experience, the guilt over emotions vanishes. Means you can get totally angry, but you still love the other, because you know he is you and life is you, god has control, whatever it is? All religions speak from this denial and the more control you have over your life the more you suffer actually. People who have no control dont suffer because they feel bad, they suffer, because others feel bad, who are controlling! In my view, there are some really basic errors in thinking directions of he main in society. Its denial jesus spoke of and others too. Meditation is just a cleaning process and inward process to remember that time in the womb. If you just sit and the shit comes up its unlearning. Every human should unlearn up to the point of unity and the it would be heaven, But god is aking care of this process I think and it really doesnt matter if the things are not how they should be one day it will be for all I think or I hope.

The inquiry method you said is the one I used, very good exercise!

No drugs, 1.5 years ago I smoked pot for 3 month but not much. Smoke cigarettes though. But I never took chemicals or other drugs!

I am not deeply depressed after that, its always an unshakeable silence, with different emotions, but they dont depend upon me, they depend upon the other. If I meet a child who laughs Iam happy, if I meet my father today and he is ignorant and arrogant, I get angry and after I told him today, that he is ignorant and a teacher, he wanted to punch me, but after it was all okay and the emotions changed in both of us up to the point, that we hugged and it seems alright i hope. I mean what do you expect, if you tell your father, that you dont have any control over you actions and he wants you to do this, must this and so on. I really want them to be happy and there come thoughts to look now for a job and son on, but the next moment in can be different I told now everybody up till now even good family friends about my experience, it was all okay actually I told them that I dont have any control, and to be honest I really dont know why I am doing this? Maybe to be put in a psychatric place I think I shouldnt do it, but then its just happening Very dangerous and interesting for me. My mum is sad now, because she doesnt even know spirituality and my dad knows about buddhism, because he is a religion teache and knows about Nothingness.So he told me now before I write you this that its hard for mum to grasp this and its normal.
I can understand that completely and I went to mums bed and tried to give her a hug, because I dont want her to be sad. I was sad aswell.

I will go to the neurologist, because I am anyway interested, whats going on in my brain, I hope nothing is wrong, but I dont think so, because Iam not depressed or so. Its changing spontanious, but always blank silence.

Wish you all the best,

Ben

Well, that was a lot of interesting stuff with a lot of various aspects.

I am just going to lend some general comments, and hopefully something will be of value:

1) Posts that are that long with that much extraneous detail are less likely to be read and responded to.

2) Your insights into causality, emptiness and the like are very interesting and compelling. While you may not have any idea about the maps, I recommend you read them and see what you yourself think of what has happened. It may help put things into some sort of context that someone here can relate to more beneficially. Start with MCTB and see what you think. There are others as well.

3) You have aspects that make me think about dissociative phenomena, and your way of describing things has a somewhat scattered, tangential aspect to it. These are somewhat concerning.

4) I recommend you cultivate a friendship with someone who knows you and the path of insight well.

5) Pay attention to what happens next and see how this thing unfolds and changes with time.

Helpful?

Daniel

Hi Daniel,

Thank You for your fast response,

After you told me, that my descriptions are similar to a dissociative phenomena, I was a bit puzzled and
researched in the internet for what it is. To be honest I really dont know, if thats what happened to me?
I hope not and if its the case, I appreciate help pretty much.
I also had a good look in the maps and its not easy for me to find out, at which stage I am at.
The experience was definetely not Nirvana
In this experience there was everything like before no flying dragons, but my perception was different, it was everything so new, beautiful, I had increased energy and my perceptual abilities were much better. When driving the car for example, I had the feeling
that my reflexes are much better, than it used to be before. The other thing is, that I had the perception, that everything is just
happening, concerns were not there at all in this time, there was no fear, there was the usual emotions and feelings in the body,
but much more careless than before. I heard that small children under 2 years old have not developed there I-sense and have a more sensate perception or experience. My whole experience was like that for 8 days, thats the best way I would describe it.
One thing I want to mention, i dont know if thats a kundalini symptom or so. Before that time I had always pressure over my eyes in the middle, just as feeling and not too much intense, i never worried about it. During the days of my experience, there was a time when i spontaniously had to go with my head down to the bottom of the floor, pretty much like bowing in front of a king with longing to put my head down. It was happening automatic. After that, when i stood up there was a pleasant current release in my head for a minute, very pleasant, similar to a cold shower after a sauna session, but even better. Thats all what happened in that time.
In regards to the maps I think I am in the knowledge of cause and effect or in the beginning of the three characteristics or after the Arising and Passing event. I am not sure.
At the moment I just want to live, and find times, where I can meditate or do sports.
My psyche is very stable at the moment and I cant find any reasons to have a dark night.
What is the problem anyway if I would slip into a dark night? I dont know, but the confusing point for me
with the maps in relationship to my experience is, that I cant find where I am really at, but at the same
time I dont have fear to experience a dark knight, as there are just emotions who come up, the same like
good emotions. I just want to have a more healthy relaxed mind and do techniques to be more healthy and calm and to
experience maybe nirvana, but If I am a smoker and do nothing and experience painful feelings is the same like
being healthy. I just want to put effort into work,that my bodily numb sensations change into more pleasant ones, to have a
more pleasant experience. What I want to say, that actually I accept my experience as it is, so I am confused, because
i dont think that there is something fundamental wrong.

Today I read articles on a site http://www.deikman.com/index.html

His articles and descriptions represent pretty much my opinion, about my experience and spiritual things in general.
Maybe its helpful to see, where I stand at?

I would be very happy to find out where I am at and what kind of practise is suitable for me?

Thank you for your help Daniel, Thankyyouuuuuuuu!

Good night!