Hi y'all,

Long time lurker here, both on /r streamentry and the DhO. Found meditation and spiritual practice roughly 6 years ago, when going through a real rough patch. Had some minor success with TMI (reached stage 5/6-ish), but have not had a consistent practice in the last 2-3 years. That being said, 'spiritual practice' has been occupying my mind almost every day. Life's circumstances have made it difficult for me to practice consistently, leading to me reading and listening a ton of Dharma content, without actually practicing. I understand that for any lasting change to take place, I'll have to practice, practice, practice. What better reason to start a practice log on the DhO – to keep myself accountable? 

Over the years I've encountered a strong sense of choice paralysis: any time I've digged somewhat deep into a technique or practice, something would nag at me: 'All this dry insight stuff, am I not missing the magic of jhanas?' and I would switch; 'all this progressive stuff seems so difficult, should I not just get enlightened through the backdoor of non-dual, direct path stuff?' and I would switch... you get the picture. Over the years I've dabbled in Shinzen's stuff, TMI, TWIM, Do Nothing/Just sitting, Rob Burbea's teachings, MIDL, etc.

Both inconsistency and technique-switching have led to me not really ever reaching any substantial samadhi state, nor really getting any insight – or so I believe. I did an 8 day silent retreat at Dipabhavan in Thailand a few years back. Leaving that retreat, I did feel extremely content and in a mode non-clinging for a couple of days, but nothing made any lasting impact. I've come to the realization that I may have been 'wasting my time', practicing half-heartedly and without focus or direction. I want to give this another, proper shot. If I think about practice so freaking much all the time anyway, and basically all I read are spiritual books and forums, I might as well do it properly, am I right? Hence, this practice log.

Currently, I'm trying to practice an all-day awareness practice in the style of Sayadaw U Tejaniya, to compensate for the lack of consistency in my practice and the choice paralysis induced technique-switching (which I guess is just another form of craving). Basically, as much as I can, I try to keep awareness of where my attention is and how it relates to experience, all day long. Regardless, I'll try to get more formal sitting in, because I realize it's a necessity on the path. ​​​​​​​

​​​​​​​Anyhoo, I guess this rambling is more of an introduction in disguise. I feel excited about practice again, and about becoming a more active participant of this online community – instead of a passive lurker. 

Welcome to being an active poster!



This is a laudable goal, but maybe the most difficult one for someone in your current position. How about a half-hour formal sitting practice once or twice a day? If you have the time to do all the reading and listening you mentioned, I'm pretty sure you can squeeze this in. It will help you establish a habit, gain concentration skills, and develop confidence in your ability to maintain an effective practice.

Thanks for the welcome, Chris! And yeah, you make a fair point... My reasoning was that if I could establish some form of effective informal practice, I could make progress despite my inconsistecy. But maybe that is just subtle aversion to estabslishing a formal practice habit again, haha. Then again, also with formal practice, choice paralysis strikes. Given the many reports here, I'm inclined to think noting would be the most direct, no-nonsense and tried and tested technique to use. I've dabbled with it in the past in various forms, with varying results. I got the feeling it can be rather destabilizing and notions of tough dukkha nana territory make me somewhat reluctant. Maybe it'll be worthwhile to give it a proper shot again, though.

I second what Chris said.

​​​​​​​It's rare to see people make significant lasting progress without a formal daily sitting practice. What is more, it is the formal practice that gives us the chops to do more advanced things like all-day awareness. It's like practicing scales for a musician, or cardio exercise for an athlete. It just can't be skipped. 

As for the choice, why not just commit to one style for, say, three months, then reassess? This forum has a lot of people noting in the style taught in MCTB or The Progress of Insight. You could also commit to a course, like TMI or MIDL. If you did MIDL, you get a very structured course and real time support. The level of consistency is probably going to have a bigger impact than the specific meditation style you adopt. 

If you want results you have to do the process, Mark. There are no shortcuts. You don't have to do noting - as Martin said already, just choose a method and stick with it for a few months.

The reason a formal sitting practice is important is that you develop a level of stillness and relaxation that is deep enough to reveal many subtle processes of mind that are easily missed during day to day life. 

Practicing being more aware is a great thing to do in addition to a daily sit but it cannot replace it. 

​​​​​​​Sit, relax, be aware. If you want to note some stuff then do that too. Whatever formal practice you choose it always mostly be sit, relax, be aware. 

Well, you guys have definitely made me reconsider the necessity of formal practice, Chris, Martin and Bahiya. Thanks for your recommendations!

Time to start logging some formal sits. Sat twice today:

15 min

• ​​​​​​​See, Hear, Feel noting.
• Present for most of the 15 min, some discursive thought.
• Started at roughly 1 note per 3 seconds, ramped that up to 1 note per second over the course of the sit.

45 min

• See, Hear, Feel noting.
• Eyes open for most of it. Tried closing the eyes at 15-20 minute mark, but led to instant dullness, visual thought and spacing out.
• Some dullness persisted with eyes open. Led to lack of clarity, frustration and impatience. Wondering about when the bell would ring. Considered stopping early a couple times, glad I was able to persist until the bell rang.
• Mind was busy overall.
• Experimented with different noting speeds.
• ​​​​​​​Slower speed let to more absorption in object but also more distraction, because of too much time in between notes.
• Settled on 1 note per second: not really any absorption into or detail about object, but quick enough pace to not get distracted.

Overall excited about committing to a simple mindfulness practice. Here's to slow and steady progress.

Nicely done!

Nice, relax and explore your senses that's really all your ever doing and you can make that as complicated or as easy as you like. 

Slow and steady. Feel free to familiarise yourself with the chapter on the three characteristics in MCTB. It can be worth reading that a number of times. If you want to add in some mahasi style noting you can do that too. Whatever you add, you are adding it to a foundation of just sitting, relaxing and being aware. Then a heuristic you can use moving forward is "does this additional practice I am doing contribute to my capacity to sit, relax and be aware?" If yes, cool. If no, am I using the practice as a means to not relax and be aware? Should I be bringing more relaxation into the practice? Do I need to practice this way at all?

Appreciate the encouraging words, thanks!

15 min

• Only managed 15 min today. Had a short night, so fatigue was a big hindrance.
• Prioritizong habit-formation, doing at least some formal sitting every day, however short or long it may be.
• Practiced See, Hear, Feel, starting with emphasizing restful states but found those hard to tune into. I think fatigue played a role here.
• Switch to just noting all sensations for the remainder of the sit.
• Enjoying the simplicity of SHF, yet the robustness of Shinzen's system to be able to apply it in different ways (focusing on rest, turning back a la self inquiry, and so on)

Wasn't able to sit yesterday due to travelling and other responsibilities.

Fell ill today, so took a sick day. That gave me time to practice, sat for around 2,5 hours spread out over the day. A combination of See, Hear, Feel noting and Do Nothing. Also did some TRE today. Have dabbled with that in the past and it feels profound. I have a feeling I have quite a lot of unresolved material and blockages stored in the body. Adding a body-based practice to my sitting practice feels helpful at this time.

Being a bit ill and fatigued, I feel drawn to a Do Nothing, effortless approach. Just letting whatever happens, happen.

In the same vain: I've been struggling with procrastination and lack of motivation throughout my work and private life for some time. So I'm trying to cut out distractions and do a 'dopamine detox', for lack of a better term. Basically cutting out TV, movies, social media and whatnot. I'm comitting to only doing low stimulus activities like reading, meditation, light movement, journaling and work for a couple days. It feels natural to practice in a more effortless and goal-less way for the time being. 

Still feeling under the weather, which leaves me with plenty of time to sit.

I'm enjoying stillness, non-activity and limited distractions. Just sitting or lying down without agenda or technique. If the mind wanders, it wanders. If there is calm, great. If not, no problem. Trying to be with experience without altering it. I'm enjoying this mode of practice for now.

I practiced formally for roughly 2 hours spread over the day. A lot of that time was filled with fatigue and dullness, probably due to feeling ill. 

For some reason, the body is really shaking and tremoring today, especially while practicing. I suggest it has something to do with the TRE session yesterday. It's somewhat disconcerting, but in spirit of practice I'm trying to just let it be there and play out. 

Bottom line: I'm finding rest in effortless being.

Confusion and doubt are at the forefront.

I've been stuck at home for a couple days, leaving me plenty of time to contemplate, read and practice. I felt drawn to effortless, Just Sitting-style practices the last few days. Something about a non-interfering, non-preferential and effortless mode of being felt appealing to me...

But then it dawned on me that most of my time 'Just Sitting' was spent in mind wandering, spacing out, thinking. I told myself 'whatever happens, happens' – even if it means being lost in thought for most of the time. Enter: doubt. Is being lost in thought for 80% of a sit really good practice, or am I just deluding myself? When I practice a noting session – which, yes, demands a certain amount of effort – I am present and aware for most of the sit. 

So now I'm more inclined to believe that noting, at least at this point in my practice, is the more effective practice... ARGH. 

Over-analysis, doubt and choice paralysis are my main demons, or so it seems. Uncertain about how to proceed. At least I'm happy to have this log now, as a place to structure my thoughts and see my own ramblings, haha. 

At my very first retreat, which was a Shambala retreat aimed at beginners, after one of the first sits, the teacher asked people about their sitting experience. One woman said that she tried the following instructions but found that it felt better to just let the mind run. The teacher replied that she had probably been letting her mind run her whole life, so why not try something different just for the short time that she was sitting in meditation?

That really stuck with me because: a) the woman had formulated an important insight (Letting the mind run does feel good. That's why it is the default mode. We wouldn't default to it if it didn't feel good.); and b) the teacher had pointed out something useful (Meditation is for a limited time, so we can handle doing something that may be difficult, or boring, or generally not the thing that we prefer.)

If we look at experience in the same way (letting the mind choose and grab onto whatever it likes) we are likely to see the same things. When we change the way we look, we may get the chance to see things that had been hidden from us in the ordinary way of looking. 

After some wandering, hibernation and non-focused practice, I feel like practice is finally gaining momentum.
My practice consists of noticing (without labels) whatever arises in the moment. For the first time, I feel like I intuitively understand that anything, ANYTHING that arises can be objectively noticed in awareness.
​​​​​​​
I feel sadness, I can know that. I feel aversion to feeling sadness, I can know that. I return from being lost in thought, I can know that. I get frustrated about being lost in thought, I can know that. It's an amazing relief that there is always, always this 'knowing' aspect that I can rely on, fall back to. I doubt myself and the practice? I can know that, and that is enough. You get the gist.

The weird thing is, I've intellectually known this 'basic' idea of what mindfulness entails for years, but I feel like only now I'm intuitively understanding what the hell it actually means.

Apart from sitting 30-60 mins a day, just noticing whatever arises, with light intention to notice greed and craving and their many different faces, I try to practice the above awareness + equanimity as much as possible throughout the day.

I feel a deep allowing of whatever arises. Previously, if I spent a whole day restless and rushing, I'd feel like I'd been a bad meditator. Now, I just stay with what it feels like to be restless or rushing, without willing it to be different. How amazing!

Perhaps most interestingly: I've been having these weird kriyas, persisting off-cushion throughout my day. My jaw moving side to side and up an down rapidly, my spine rounding and flexing, shivers, spasms... I just let these happen, watch them come and go, and see them as no more than a signpost that practice is indeed doing what it should.

I feel excited about practice, which is probably why I'm showing my face here again. I intend to be logging a bit more frequently.
​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​Cheers.

Sit, breathe.and be... That's all there really is to it but it can take a long time to really grok it. You'll have to come back to just this many times yet and thats ok. Nice work.