Starting a new relationship - Discussion
What Steph said.
Instead of giving you another opinion to the same effect, though, I would like to give you relationship advice
Understand that a romantic relationship is not about finding the perfect partner, your soul mate, anything like that. If you approach the relationship from this perspective, you will keep trying to force yourself and your partner into "perfection," meaning you will expect everything to always satisfy you. Since nothing is ever totally satisfactory, you will just create suffering.
Be honest with yourself. Analyze the motivations you have mentioned further: Isn't it true that the underlying reason why you perceive a relationship as capable of replacing negative emotions with positive ones is that you are trying to derive self-worth from relationship success? Isn't it also true that this has a lot to do with expected or perceived appearance and not all that much with direct experience?
Finally, "worries of betrayal" are virtually a guarantee for suffering and eventual failure. Do you get into your car every morning worrying about your engine, your tires, drunk drivers, and whatever else might happen? Do you bank with the constant fear that today might be the day the international monetary system collapses? Do you reach out and offer someone your hand to greet him while internally panicking about weapons he might be about to use against you? If you do, you are living in a huge amount of unnecessary suffering. Your car will eventually break down, people will hurt you, the banking system has no mathematical way of surviving the next 30 years without a major collapse, and you shouldn't ignore all this, but there is a difference between prudent prevention and obsession with disastrous eventualities. Maintain your car reasonably well; don't keep all your savings in fiat money or instruments based on it; use condoms to reduce the chance of getting a disease; be alert and mindful in general. Don't even waste a thought on "betrayal" by your lover. We are all biological beings, and if we are honest with ourselves, we have to admit that we all do smart things sometimes and stupid things a lot of the time. Give your partner the freedom to make her own choices and mistakes. What's the worst that could happen? And more importantly: What would you ever be able to do about it anyway?
Instead of giving you another opinion to the same effect, though, I would like to give you relationship advice
Understand that a romantic relationship is not about finding the perfect partner, your soul mate, anything like that. If you approach the relationship from this perspective, you will keep trying to force yourself and your partner into "perfection," meaning you will expect everything to always satisfy you. Since nothing is ever totally satisfactory, you will just create suffering.
Be honest with yourself. Analyze the motivations you have mentioned further: Isn't it true that the underlying reason why you perceive a relationship as capable of replacing negative emotions with positive ones is that you are trying to derive self-worth from relationship success? Isn't it also true that this has a lot to do with expected or perceived appearance and not all that much with direct experience?
Finally, "worries of betrayal" are virtually a guarantee for suffering and eventual failure. Do you get into your car every morning worrying about your engine, your tires, drunk drivers, and whatever else might happen? Do you bank with the constant fear that today might be the day the international monetary system collapses? Do you reach out and offer someone your hand to greet him while internally panicking about weapons he might be about to use against you? If you do, you are living in a huge amount of unnecessary suffering. Your car will eventually break down, people will hurt you, the banking system has no mathematical way of surviving the next 30 years without a major collapse, and you shouldn't ignore all this, but there is a difference between prudent prevention and obsession with disastrous eventualities. Maintain your car reasonably well; don't keep all your savings in fiat money or instruments based on it; use condoms to reduce the chance of getting a disease; be alert and mindful in general. Don't even waste a thought on "betrayal" by your lover. We are all biological beings, and if we are honest with ourselves, we have to admit that we all do smart things sometimes and stupid things a lot of the time. Give your partner the freedom to make her own choices and mistakes. What's the worst that could happen? And more importantly: What would you ever be able to do about it anyway?
