Starting a practice journal encouraged by you :-)

Background:

• Approximately 8 years/2900 hours of nearly regular meditation practice.
• Mostly, I’ve sat for 45-60 minutes in the mornings. (Periods when I’ve sat only 15-20 minutes per day, and other times when I’ve done 2-3 sessions a day.)
• Completed five 7-11 day silent retreats.
• In recent years, I’ve practiced noticing, observing experience anonymously.
• I use a meditation app and an interval timer that chimes every 20 minutes to maintain a sense of time.
• I begin my practice by exploring my state of mind and emotions. Then I set a minimum duration and intention for the session. Usually, I start with a short metta practice. Afterward, I count to ten three times at the beginning of the session, where one complete breath cycle (inhale and exhale) counts as one number. If my counting is interrupted or if I get lost in thoughts, I start over with 3x10 counting. This helps gauge my mental agitation level and build mindfulness before the main practice.
• I aim to describe my practice honestly and in my own words. I’m uncertain about where I am on the POI path or whether some of the transitional experiences I’ve had are jhana states.
• My intention is to make brief notes at the end of each session and compile them into this journal approximately once a week.
• Currently, I’m open to exploring new ways of practicing."

July 31st, 60 min. Evening practice before bedtime:
I decided to try Shargrol’s recommended simple noting technique. In this approach, each exhale is labeled, and during the inhale, other sensations are labeled (1-2 per inhalation). I found it challenging to keep the labeling truly simple because there was so much happening in my experiential field. From the beginning, I noticed that I was putting in a lot of effort to be precise. This effort prevented me from sinking as deeply into the trance state as I normally do. My thoughts mostly revolved around whether I was following the instructions correctly. Realizing that I was exerting too much effort, I attempted to relax.
Afterward, I experienced brief moments of mini-ecstasy at the end of exhales (the visual field first went black, then lighter, and energy currents shot through my entire body). Following this, I entered a kind of transitional state where the sense of being was lighter and more expansive than usual. Despite this, I could continue the simple labeling of exhale, and other sensations. However, the sensations of breath felt significantly thinner in this state. I noticed that my attention naturally visited the sound of the air conditioner at least once during each breath cycle. Additionally, after each exhale, my mind tended to label the subsequent inhale. Consequently, I used the label ‘rising’ (for the belly) several times."

August 1st (in the morning before work), 56 min:
I had to wake up early and felt somewhat tired. A long workday awaited me. I continued using the same technique as in the previous session, but my mindfulness wasn’t at its best, and my mind wandered several times. The goal was to sit for 60 minutes, but I couldn’t resist the temptation to check the time at the end. When I saw 56 minutes on the timer, I couldn’t resist ending the practice.

August 1st (in the evening, after a long workday),  67 minutes: Feeling slightly tired but reasonably relaxed.
The initial 15 minutes felt like I was sitting on a wild horse’s back. Facial twitches occurred, but overall, facial sensations were light. Breathing felt turbulent, and it was challenging to discern where the exhale ended. After exhaling, my mind intuitively labeled the subsequent inhale. Maintaining sparse labeling still required effort due to the multitude of experiences. I noticed that when I used words for labeling, thoughts often went unnoticed at their emergence. Consequently, my mind constructed multi-sentence narratives before I realized to label them as ‘analyzing.’
At the 20-minute mark, a shift occurred. It felt as though my entire body had been infused with oxygen or some kind of dharma elixir. First, my vision darkened, then lightened. The experiential volume expanded almost limitlessly. A sense of ecstasy emerged. Unbeknownst to me, saliva had accumulated in my mouth, and I accidentally inhaled it, triggering a coughing fit. The ecstasy subsided. Afterward, the turbulence of sensations softened, and breathing felt syrupy and light, with shorter breaths. A kind of transitional state, though less ecstatic. Toward the end, forehead pressure and facial energyflows increased, and facial sensations occupied more space. Although my intention was to sit for an hour, time passed swiftly, and sitting remained comfortable—I couldn’t quite bring myself to stop exactly at the one-hour mark.
After the practice, I felt spacious in my body, grateful, and perhaps a little hopeful.

On August 2nd (in the morning), for 58 minutes:
My energy level felt quite low, and there was mild pressure in my forehead.
During this practice, I noticed that I struggled to discern the end of the exhale without intentionally directing my attention to the abdominal area and observing the breath cycle based on abdominal movements. It felt like I was in a mildly pleasant, dreamlike, dull transitional state, with mindfulness not particularly impressive. I wondered if having breakfast before meditation might boost energy levels for the morning session. Towards the end, feeling even more tired, I glanced at the clock. Surprisingly, it had already been 58 minutes. I sensed a slight frustration, realizing that things didn’t quite go as smoothly as I’d hoped.

On August 2nd evening 1h
Feeling frustrated and restless because I wanted to sit and meditate, but I “had to” watch the Olympics with my partner. Then, when I finally sat down, the TV sounds bothered me. Difficulties in doing the metta practice in that state of mind. Exhalation felt knotty and multipart. The flows in the facial area and heartbeats were so clear that it interfered with distinguishing the sensations of exhalation. I noticed again that attention goes wherever it wants. After exhaling, attention usually go to pauses, then moves to the movement of the abdomen during inhalation, and after that to the hum of the air conditioner And in the meantime, often a thought(s) can also form. Overall, it was a chaotic session, although it calmed down a bit towards the end. At some point, my gaze automatically lifted under closed eyelids. I realized that this calms the strong pressure and flow sensations in the face and forehead area. When I consciously reinforced looking upward, the visual field started flickering. But I couldn’t try this for more than a minute. Towards the end, I was already waiting for the bell to ring.

On August 3rd, morning 55 minutes.
I had 8 hours of sleep and woke up without an alarm clock. The experience was similar to previous sessions. There was a mild sense of euphoria around 20 minutes and 50 minutes into the meditation. The last 15 minutes were simpler and more peaceful. Overall, there was better clarity compared to the previous morning.

On August 3rd, after work, afternoon 60 min.
During the first 15 minutes, I experienced facial twitches, and I felt over-energized and chaotic. From 20 to 40 minutes, the experience calmed down slightly, and mind transitioned into a light trance. At the 50-minute mark,  mind sank into a deeper trance, resulting in further relaxation, and the sensations in  facial area felt significantly less pronounced. I focused on identifying pauses in my breathing cycles. I noticed that my mind tried to create a continuous sine wave (albeit rough and noisy). However, upon closer observation, there was always a pause. I could have continued sitting longer, but I had other evening plans, so had to stop.

On August 4th, morning, 47 minutes.
The session was relatively effortless, but mindfulness wasn’t at its best level. It was similar (or even less mindfullnsee) to a few other “dull” morning sessions this week.”. I had to start counting my breaths 3 or 4 times before I managed to count 3 sets of 10 breath cycles without getting distracted or lost in dullness or thoughts. (Normally, I can do this easily in one go.)

August 4 th evening 60 min.
At the beginning, I felt a pleasantly light sensation, like a gentle breeze on my forehead. However, the pressure in my forehead increased. During the first 20 minutes, I had to exert effort. Then, there was a shift where the excessive effort relaxed, and the sense of presence grew. Another shift occurred around the 40-minute mark, leading to a deeper trance. I struggled to label my exhales, because it would have been more enjoyable to fully immerse myself in the trance. Towards the end, the trance thinned out, but the pleasant and spacious feeling persisted. In the final minutes, the flow sensations in my facial area turned into pulses, as if they were trying to escape from my physical forehead into a more expansive space. It felt like an invisible force was pulling my face forward, and the pulses attempted to break free from physical body. Despite labeling, my attention still wandered during each breath cycle—sounds, abdomen, nostrils, forehead, cheeks, shoulders, pleasure, thoughts, and space - all vied by attention. Interestingly, the hum of the air conditioner often captured my attention. This has been a recurring experience in all my meditation sessions. I allowed my attention to move freely, occasionally labeling it as ‘hearing,’ ‘rising’ (referring to the belly), or ‘thinking.’ At the end of the practice, I felt energized and pleasant.  Falling asleep might be challenging.

August 5th, morning, 42 minutes.
I’ve completed 7 consecutive workdays, and there are 5 workdays left before the next day off. However, my sleep has been good, according to both my own assessment and my smart ring. During the session, I had to go to the bathroom as my stomach started to bother me. This session was just another ‘dull’ morning sit. At the end of the practice, I feel somewhat drained, and my mind still feels foggy. There’s a sensitive feeling in my chest and heart area. I sense sadness, almost as heartbroken, but I can’t name it… Despite this, my bodily sensations are calm and spacious.

August is going to be busy on the work front. Starting from September, my free time should triple compared to the current situation. I’m looking forward to that time. I also intend to allocate time for exercise. Lately, I haven’t been able to exercise much because I’ve prioritized meditation practice.

Over the weekend, I made the decision to take week off work from September 7th. I’m going to my parents’ summer cottage alone for a week-long solo retreat. The cottage is located by the lake in a beautiful and quiet natural environment. My intention is to deepen my practice. I’m not sure if I’ll follow strict retreat guidelines for the week or take a more relaxed approach. Probably something in between. I aim to deepen my practice while avoiding overexertion.

How would you define "deepening" your practice -- more jhana, more insight, more trance, more clarity? Something else?

​​​​​​​It's always good to have very clear intentions before starting a retreat.

Edit, adding on:  another way to ask it is "what is really inspiring about practice? what inspires you to go on a retreat?"

Retreat sounds nice. I would be interested in what would happen if you tried to go full noticing there or even at home https://vimeo.com/250616410. Do you have an idea what is meant with vibrations? Basically frames of experience could be visual, auditory, somatic ... If you can "perceive" those somewhat (which I would guess) are they connected in ways? Are some of them part of an observer?

I would also be interesting to hear what you are psyched about right now? Do you want to become super enlightened? Have a chill time? Have a magical time? Explore more psychological things with meditation or go full insight. Improve some specific meditation skills or try to figure out your position on the 4th path model. Or just letting the universe take care of the retreat and be open for anything. So many possibilities.

Thank you Shargrol for the reminder of the importance of intention. I took a moment to consider how to formulate my honest intention for retreat and ended up expressing it in the metta form:

May the time spent on retreat create favorable conditions for new insights to emerge. May partially understood insights become clearer realizations. May I see things with more clarity as they truly are. May the insights born during the retreat benefit all living beings, including myself.

To strengthen my intention for the retreat, I will add this to my practices right away.

Stranger: I will watch the video you recommended. Right now, I’m psyched about practicing to progress toward SE (to reduce suffering). While I’ve been exploring my psychological matters within a therapeutic framework for years, they don’t feel inspiring right now. I would love to feel more and think less :-)

Sounds like a good intention! 

Now just one more question: what kind of practice do you feel is most likely to produce these insights?

(Maybe it's obvious, but what I'm suggesting is also setting intentions for the practice itself, in addition to the results.)

As part of my current retreat plan, I intend to engage in a daily 1-hour working meditation session in the morning. I’ll also prepare my own meals (breakfast, lunch, and dinner). However, I prepare larger portions at once so that I don’t have to cook three times a day.
The remaining time will be filled with alternating Vipassana meditation, sitting for 1 hour, and walking for 45 minutes. At the end of the day, I’ll enjoy a sauna and swim in the lake. Following that, I’ll either listen to Dharma seed or read a Dharma book, followed by another sitting meditation before bedtime. If I feel particularly tired, I’ll make room for an afternoon nap (I use to feel tiredness and foggy mind 2-3 first days on retreats)

For the content of walking meditation, I plan to engage in formal noting practice (lifting-moving-placing…turning, etc.). Instead of one daily walking meditation session, I intend to take a longer approximately 5-kilometer forest walk, during which I’ll try to be mindfully present.
I would like to ask guidance from you on the specifics of sitting meditation as my practice has been stuck lately. I am considering the noting/noticing approach, but I’m uncertain about specifics of that. Perhaps 20 minutes of simple verbal but silent noting practice, followed by 40 minutes of anonymous noticing practice? Or something else. Is there anything specific to pay attention to?

There is one more month until the retreat. I will be posting several updates about my practice in this thread before that. I am and would be grateful if you could provide suggestions to steer my practice in a more fruitful direction.

You could try noting until the mind is ready to just notice. 

You may even find moving back and forth between the two is helpful. It doesn't have to be a compulsive thing just feel where you're at, be aware of this practice, with regular practice you'll be sitting long enough to let your intuition guide some of these decisions. 

​​​​​​​Formal structure is useful, feeling it out in the moment is also useful. 

​​​​​​​Experiment and explore.

Yes, this is the heart of it: it's very important to go into retreat with confidence that you have the right practice/investigation... otherwise there will be too much doubt, second-guessing, or changing practice too often and getting no traction etc.

No need to rush into deciding since you have a month, like you said.

One good thing to read it this description of how practice has different "levels" depending on how unsettled the meditation is: 12. Conformity – MCTB.org

For myself, I collected together all the advice that I thought was most important and I taped the sheet of paper next to my cushion. I firmly believed that noting/noticing was the approach for me, so this is what I basically had on the sheet. This is specific to me, but it gives a sense of what you could consider doing: 


Right View of the Path
Experiencing the sensation of the moment is the only experience that qualifies as meditation. Thoughts are linked moments of the sensations of thinking. Stay at the level of bare sensations. Time is a sensation.

Right Effort on the Path
Clearly and strongly renouncing speculation and committing to simply attending to the expression of this very moment is the right effort in the beginning. Gently returning again and again to the moment is the right effort in the middle. Letting the moment reveal itself is the right effort for the mature part of the path. Insight is always a surprise and cannot be forced, but it is cultivated by returning to attending to this moment.

Noting
* If things look solid: note!
* If you are lost in thought: note!
* If you are feeling ungrounded: note!
* If it all feels useless: note those sensations, too!
Noting is better than floundering.
“Don’t need your wants.”
“If you are looking for the solution, you aren’t seeing the problem.”
“Less is more.”

Perceiving Vibrations
* If you are able to perceive vibrations of your object: do so as completely and consistently as possible.
* If you are feeling that you can perceive vibrations of not only your object but also other things simultaneously: do so.
* If you can perceive vibrations of not only your object but broad things like space, consciousness, thought, memory, intention, investigation, effort, suffering and the like: do so.
* If at any point you find that you can't perform at the level you were functioning at, drop back down the hierarchy as far as you need to, perhaps back to noting.

Application to Stages
* When you enter the second vipassana jhana, aka the Arising and Passing Away (A&P), most people can drop the noting, as it is just too slow.
* After this stage fades, many will need to go back to noting until they stabilize, as Dissolution can cause regression as we get used to its wider, more out of phase field.

* When the Dark Night arises, many will need to note at points to keep from getting lost in their stuff.

Famous Tarin quote:

"the dark night territory - particularly late dark night - has a habit of making me unsure which methods are best to employ in practice. should i note? should i use open awareness? should i pay attention to the wide vibrations? should i go with the discomfort? should i observe the questioning? etc etc. i would feel very dissatisfied with anything i tried. eventually i realised that the nature of re-observation to was to have a cow with anything and everything and when i realised this it mattered a whole lot less what i did since i knew i would have no way of knowing if it was effective practice or not! regardless, my recommendation would be to note or observe frustration, pain, doubt, boredom, distraction, gaming, predicting, expecting, etc etc when and where they arise and make sure - i mean really make fucking sure - that if you're killing yourself trying to meditate that you note that too "

* In Equanimity, people may need to note to keep from spacing out at points until they get used to how panoramic and complete things are.




Hope this gives you some ideas that are useful!

Thank you very much!

This is of great help. After reading these guidelines, the suitable method(s) is starting to feel obvious. Apparently, I needed you to explain this for things to become clearer. (And Tarin’s quote brought consolation).

I will experiment with slightly different methods for a few sessions and then build, write and post an intention for the practice method(s) for retreat.

August 5, Evening, 60 minutes:
The initial phase (20 min) was similar to before (building concentration with effort). After 20 minutes, the effort decreased spontaneously, and meditation flowed more smoothly. Mindfulness was reasonable, and the experiential world felt quite similar to previous practice sessions. The transitional state was lighter than before, and no major shifts occurred. At the 50-minute mark, my mind started to tire, and the session began to feel somewhat dull. At that point, my attention also focused on bodily discomfort, mainly in the lower back. In the last 5 minutes, I managed to sit only through sheer willpower. Nothing else mystical to report. After the practice, feeling was energetic and clear.

August 6, Morning, 60 minutes:
I decided to try 20 minutes of walking meditation at the beginning of the practice because the past few morning meditations had been somewhat dull. I walked indoors along a 7-meter path, focusing on the sensations in my soles. I labeled them as “lifting,” “moving,” and “placing.” Mindfulness felt quite natural and effortless. Mind wandered only a couple of times. Attention sought also other experiential content beyond the sensations in my soles, such as sounds and sights. After 20 minutes, I transitioned to a cross-legged position on a cushion. I counted breaths 3x10, which succeeded on the first attempt. Then I returned to simple noting technique. While mindfulness was mostly okay during the session, clarity was weak. I felt somewhat like I was half-asleep. Facial sensations were minimal, and my mind felt good. Even though the breath sensations felt dreamlike, I was able to stay mostly mindfully present with them.

August 6 Evening, 60 minutes:
Initially, it was difficult to concentrate because mind being slightly agitated after a phone conversation. I had to interrupt the 3x10 counting once but succeeded on the second try. I felt a gentle cool breeze on my face, and sitting felt pleasant. After 20 minutes, I was enjoying almost all the sensations and flows illuminated by attention - sounds, facial sensations, and abdominal movements. At this point, even simple labeling became challenging. For instance, finding the term “exhale” during the out-breath felt laborious. I didn’t force myself to label every sensation because mindfulness felt strong even without it. Around the 40-minute mark, energy currents in my face and head began to sway my head gently. I didn’t resist but allowed the energy to move and rotate my head lightly. Towards the end, I found it amusing how the unusual flow patterns and pulses in my forehead and face behaved randomly. I thought, “What the heck are you doing?” A smile crept onto my lips—it was oddly delightful. Overall, a pleasant and fun session

August 7, morning 60 min:
I woke up feeling refreshed without an alarm clock. I tried 20 minutes of walking meditation in the morning to avoid dullness because I felt the previous walking session had helped subsequent sitting practice. I simply labeled the sensations as “lifting-moving-placing.” During the walking meditation, I sensed a subtle enjoyable“piti”-energy movement in my body (arms, hands, thighs, legs) . Sitting afterwards felt relaxed, effortless and calm. I didn’t sink into a trance. I only partially labeled the sensations. Interestingly, tactile sensations seemed less like “my own” objects than before. They seemed to be more on the outside and not in my possession at all” Towards the end, I noticed that awareness/attention followed the unpredictable rhythm of the breath. This led me to wonder what the breath truly is made of, as it appears so fragmented and bumpy, constantly changing. Overall, it was a pleasant session, and I feel happy to start my workday.

August 7, afternoon (after work), 58 minutes”
Practice felt quite similar as in the morning, although mindfulness was weaker this time. I got lost in thought loops related to the practice and posting on Dho. Towards the end, attention became fixated on a peculiar, light sensation localized in the middle of my forehead, following the rhythm of the breath. Simultaneously, I saw a subtle cartoon-like image of face and forehead with swirling patterns of energy flow in the visual field. I explored this phenomenon for several minutes at the end of the practice.

August 7, 65 minutes before bedtime:
After reading Bihaya’s and Shargrol’s advice for the upcoming retreat sitting meditation, I decided to explore my current level of mindfullness. I set the intention to try to maintain a continuous and strong level of mindfulness for an hour (even though it would require heroic effort). I decided to start with simple labeling and then transition to nameless noticing. I labeled sensations at a rate of 1-3 per second for 20 minutes. When the interval timer rang, I realized that I was able to stay present surprisingly well. The experiential world felt “clumpy” and “buzzy,” and I labeled “effort” and “trying to relax” alongside the usual notes (exhale, pressure, hearing, pulsing, thinking, heat). Mindfulness remained strong, and I didn’t get lost in narratives or fall into deeper trance.
After the 20-minute interval, I shifted to nameless noticing. The “clumpy” experience continued, especially regarding sensations related to breathing, but I managed to stay present at a good level for another 20 minutes without getting lost in thoughts or sinking into a trance. Alongside noticing, I also paid attention to vibrations, which felt very clear around my facial area. I tried to observe the arising and passing of these sensations, but the resolution wasn’t high enough in that regard. I also noticed that my body felt quite hot possibly due to the effort. (The room temperature was also high due to the long heatwave in the weather). After 40 minutes, I significantly relaxed my effort, resulting in a shift, and I entered a moderately trance-like state. The “clumpy” sensations smoothed out and quieted down, and noticing felt more automatic and light. However, concentration started to wane, and during the last 10 minutes, I got caught up in a few-sentence-long narratives before realizing and noting “thinking.” In conclusion, I found that under suitable conditions, I can maintain continuous strong mindfulness for up to 40 minutes (with effort), but there is big room for improvement in resolution. Ability to maintain pretty strong mindfullness surprised me and gives confidence for the retreat.

August 8, Morning (30 minutes):
Due to a very early start of the day, I decided to do a shorter practice. Mindfulness felt surprisingly solid for the morning, and the session was similar to the previous evening’s practice. I didn’t enter a trance this time.

August 8, Evening (60 minutes):
I began with noting and then transitioned to noticing. Feeling tired, I couldn’t exert much effort and occasionally got lost in thoughts for 10-30 seconds, especially during the last 20 minutes. I focused on sensations of vibrations to distinguish their beginnings and endings. Resolution improved during brief moments, but was otherwise mainly weak. Notably, observing vibrations felt interesting and helped to maintain mindfulness. Despite not entering a trance, sitting through the practice was quite pleasant.

August 9, Morning (60 minutes):
Even before starting, I felt tired. A 12-day work streak without days off might be affecting me. The initial 20 minutes went well, but then I fell into dullness and struggled to energize. Towards the end, frustration and urges arose, and I noted them and continued until the timer. Phenomenologically, there’s nothing specific to report. Sometimes mindfulness feels strong, other times (like this time) I feel like a beginner…

August 8, Evening (40 minutes):
After working late and feeling tired, I anticipated a challenging practice. I set a strong intention to stay present and see where it led. Surprisingly, I was able to maintain mindfulness quite well. It was as if a switch had been flipped to the “meditate” position, and the practice unfolded almost effortlessly. I mostly practiced noticing, occasionally adding simple labels (exhale, hearing, pulsing, analyzing, planning, boredom). I didn’t enter a trance this time either. The sensations in facial area felt also lighter. I tried to investigate moments when thoughts tries to hijack attention. I noticed that thoughts are likely to hijack attention (resulting in getting lost in thoughts), while mindfulness is not able to recognize the very moment when center of attention moves from some other sensation to thoughts. Then mindfulness is lost, sense of self grows bigger, and bodily sensations subtly feel more “musty.” These feelings (a sense of contraction, heavier sensations in the head, slight annoyance etc.) can be used as markers when I’m getting lost into thoughts. I decided to continue exploring this theme. The practice was interrupted at the 40-minute mark when my daughter came for visit for the weekend.

August 9, Morning (60 minutes):
Similar to the previous session, no trance, yet still a pleasant "easy to sit" practice. Shargrol’s simple noting instructions seem to be helpful. I feel like I have found my own natural approach for simple noting. I try to note all challenging emotions, urges, discomfort and doubt. In addition I also note "bulk sensations" occasionally. Sometimes I stay in the noticing method for several minutes without labeling. This method helps to maintain stronger mindfulness and prevent deep trances.

Additionally, I realized I might streamline my practice logging to prevent very long texts. I will  focus more on what feels most essential.

 


.

Wonderful !! 

Great logs, great practice. 

As you progress you may grow more and more comfortable with just noticing. Then noting can still be quite useful for easing into more difficult vibrations. As we learn to just notice we become more and more aware of what the body mind does not like to notice. These little kinks in the system can be noted, which can help bring awareness to them even though we might struggle to just notice them. 

​​​​​​​It all sounds good to me. Great job !!!

Thanks, Bahiya! I see now that earlier, I have not been able to let my mind and intuition guide my practice. Stagnation may be due to that rigidity in methods.

Yesterday, I was left thinking about what Shargrol wrote: “If you are looking for the solution, you are not seeing the problem.” Then it hit me. Even though I thought I was able to be equanimous with all emotions/sensations, it clearly has not been the case. I have subtly been fighting/trying to fix experiences. For example: “Restlessness or the urge to stop practicing is not good in meditation practice; what should I do to fix the problem?” Then I perhaps understood it. The purpose of noting is perhaps not just to be aware of experiences/sensations, but also to allow them to be as they express themselves. Experience is what it is, and it does not ask to be fixed. So I decided to add the word “OK” after each emotion-note. Discomfort, OK. Urge to stand up, OK. Doubt, OK. Analyzing, OK. I tried this in subsequent sessions, and it really made a difference. It felt like there was no other way than to surrender to the experience, no matter how bad it feels. This felt actually relieving. 
​​​​​​​
Note: One of my favorite songs is Mark Knopfler’s ‘What It Is.’ It feels very dharmic to me. Obviously, I hadn’t been able to integrate the message of the song into my formal practice. :-)


​​​​​​​https://open.spotify.com/track/65f8Ca4HbZCMLhpZPTHW4O?si=ajW-3hwSSyyVcHEBPA-vCA

Nice, that's a very very important insight! I really like the way you came up with your own noting style, perfect!

Everyone has their own path even though the general landscape is strangely similar to all of our minds. 

Our habitual mind tends to make quick decisions like "I like this", "I don't like this", "this isn't important" (greed, aversion, ignorance) and so we get tossed around by our own unconscious judgements. With meditation practice, we get to see how this simplistic part of our mind works and we learn to build a much bigger sense of self that can fully experience positive, negative, and neutral sensations without falling into greed, aversion, or ignorance. 

Getting really really good at meditation involve a lot of subtly and sensitivity. It always goes back to learning to accept and fully experience what is already happening, but it keeps getting more and more subtle and requires more and more sensitivity. The nice thing is developing this subtly and sensitivity is nothing that we "do", the mind will naturally develop this way --- if we maintain our consistent, non-heroic, daily meditation practice. 

Thanks Shargrol!

Yes, I too have noticed that more layers of resistance are revealing themselves as practice continues. Sometimes I wonder if there is even such a thing as a final layer of resistance.

Practice log continues...

August, 10  afternoon 60 min
A day off after a long time. I went for a brisk half-hour running exercise, and when an hour-long slot opened up in the afternoon, I decided to use it for an extra practice session. This time, I managed to maintain mindfulness for only about 20 minutes at the start of the session. After that, I got lost in thoughts for the first time. I set the intention to stay in the moment and explore the experience, but gradually I sank into dullness. Dream-like images started to appear in the visual field, and at times I got lost in thoughts. I noted worrying/thinking/analyzing/planning/memorizing at least 10 times in the last 30 minutes. Toward the end, I felt urge to  end the session before the scheduled time. I noted discomfort, pain, heat, frustration, doubt, and the urge to stand up. I tried to explore the sensations linked to these in the last 10 minutes. I found this challenging... it felt like I couldn't step outside of these sensations into the role of an observer."

August, 10  late evening 70 min.
I practiced noticing/noting with an 'OK' addition to emotion notes. As a result, the practice eventually felt lighter and more whole. I OK-noted/noticed throughout the entire session, including thinking and analyzing notes. I mostly noticed/noted hearing, exhales, pressure (forehead), flowing, bottom, mental images of the body, and heat. In the end, sensations in the facial area calmed remarkably, and I was able to notice the arising and passing of some individual sensations. Mindfulness stayed decent throughout the whole session, and I sat for 10 extra minutes after the end bell."

August 11, morning 66 min.
I ate breakfast before the practice to gather energy for it. When I started the session, my mind felt slightly overactive, but it calmed down after 10 minutes. I noticed that, for some reason, both my body and mind felt very fragile. I noted: 'Feeling fragile - OK.' Additionally, I realized that I was experiencing some unnamed sadness, the source of which I didn't understand. It felt sad, but there were no other thoughts associated with it except confusion: "What is this?" I noted 'Sadness - OK, Confusion - OK' several times. Phenomenologically, my entire body felt surprisingly cool compared to previous days' practices. I felt rapid vibrations occasionally throughout my body and noticed that I was feeling cold. I wondered if I might be getting sick. The cool vibrations seemed to have a built-in sense of fragility. Somehow, despite all sadness, confusiona and fragility, practice still felt calm and nice.

August 11, Afternoon 60 min
I sat down after my daughters left. I noticed a slightly unsettled mind, resolved to sit for an hour noting/noticing, made a short metta, and started to count breaths (3x10). I managed to do it in one go. After counting, mindfulness still felt fragile, so I decided to start with noting to strengthen it. After 5 minutes, it felt like sitting in a noisy tivoli —facial twitches around the mouth and heavy pressure/buzzing/energy flows in the front of my forehead. I just OK-noted all I managed to catch. When the twitches around my mouth ended, I mostly switched to noticing, which led to a remarkable calming down of the sensations. Body started to feel cooler. Attention was drawn to my buttocks and ankles, the only body parts that felt really solid. I noted several times: touching-solid-OK. Around 40 minutes in, the facial sensations thinned out even more, and I started to feel pulses in my breath—each in-breath and out-breath seemed to consist of 6-10 short pulses. My visual field also became lighter. At the same time, attention often returned to my buttocks and ankles, which were still the body parts that felt solid. It was as if my mind was trying to seek refuge in the solid parts of the body.

August 11, Evening. 45 min
I started the practice as usual by counting breaths 3x10. Interestingly, this seemed to be very difficult this time. Not for the usual "lost in thoughts" reason, but for a "lost in sensations" reason. I usually count the first "syllable" of each  number at the beginning of the in-breath and the second at the beginning of the out-breath. Between syllables, I attend to other tactile sensations. This time, tactile sensations absorbed my attention so completely that I forgot, between breath cycles, what the previous number was. This happened again and again... I restarted every time and was still counting when the 20-minute interval bell rang. After that, I decided to try one more time but got lost again in the second set of ten cycles. So I gave up, wondering if the mental sensations of memory were just expressing their impermanence. After that, attention shifted into a broader mode resulting in a blissful, strong tingling pleasure in the body. I let the myself enjoy the flowing piti and sense of spaciousness while simultaneously gently noticing sensations and subtle thoughts. When this state thinned out, I decided to try noting with eyes open. I did that for maybe 5 minutes. After that, it felt laborious to continue, and I ended the practice.

August 12, Morning. 48 min
Dull, sleepy session, daydreaming in the visual field (not falling asleep and was mostly able to stay aware). I tried the usual noting, but it didn't energize mind this time. At one point, when I noticed vibratory sensations, they appeared as rapid, oscillating red vertical bars (as in a graph). There were several bars in the same graph, all oscillating very fast. Then I heard a mental voice that asked: "What are you going to vote for?" At that moment, I thought I was about to fall asleep. My head felt somehow heavy during the entire sitting. It was pleasant to sit, though. I didn't have time to sit for an hour.

August 12, Evening. 55 min
I resolved to practice noting/noticing. Sensations in the facial area felt lighter than usual. Mindfulness felt solid from the start. I noted the usual notes for 10 minutes and then began to see pictures and short video streams in the visual field. This felt different from earlier practices, as my mind didn't feel dull at all. I felt fine vibrations throughout my whole body, including vibrations in the sensations of flow in the facial area. At one point, I saw a mental picture of my body, as if it was made of small grains of sand vibrating rapidly. Then, at one point, I felt as if my face and the middle of my head had disappeared, leaving only flows of energy. It appeared in the visual field as if molten tin had flowed, guided by the sensations in the location of my forehead.In the end, there was a shift, which felt both pleasant and a bit scary. First, the visual field darkened to almost black, then it grew larger as if it was stretched from both sides (but not vertically). Sensations started to feel very slow but quite clear. The state felt somehow unstable, like a boat swaying slowly in the waves. I tried to notice the arising and passing of sensations, but the state started to thin out and I returned to a normal mode of attention/awareness quite fast. After that I felt boredom and hunger, noted them, and got up. Weird but entertaining sit...

August 13, Morning. 47 min
Another dullish morning sit. Moments of mind wandering, moments of mindfulness and clarity. Moments of discomfort (ants crawling on skin). Frustration/restlessness at the end. After the practice, I feel shame and beat myself up for not being able to sit longer. I'm left with sadness and tiredness—the same kind of sit and feeling I usually have on day 2 of a retreat. I think it might be a good idea to prepare for a retreat by sitting for longer periods (at least 1 hour) at a time. I intend to be braver and try to sit with and through restlessness and discomfort. As I wrote the last sentence, I noticed another layer of resistance. I'm resisting the resistance to sit with restlessness and discomfort. How many layers are there?

August 13, Evening. 80 min
In the beginning of the practice, I again witnessed the impermanence of memory while counting 3x10. I struggled to remember which number had just passed (1-2 seconds ago). After counting, I sensed a need to get control, which didn't seem to be in my possession at all. I felt uncertainty and couldn't help but note, "uncertainty, urge for control, ok." Then I tried to relax and continue with gentle noting (exhale, hearing, pulsing, etc.). It helped my body and mind to settle. After 20 minutes, meditation almost happened by itself, and the following 40 minutes felt like a very short time. When the 60-minute bell rang, I decided to sit for 20 minutes longer to explore the possible urge to get up from the cushion, which I thought was still to come.

Right after the bell, I noticed that the space where sensations seemed to be happening felt big on the right side but much smaller on the left. It felt kind of distorted. I tried to broaden the left side of the space by will and intention but didn't succeed. Eventually, I gave up. At that point, sensations in the breath and facial area felt slow and clear, and I was able to distinguish finer grains of them. Ten minutes before the end, the urge to get up arose. I noted discomfort and the sensations (mostly pain in the ankles and thoughts of getting up) that seemed to be linked to it. But eventually, I managed to sit for 80 minutes and felt happy about making it.

August 14, Morning. 60 min.
A very similar practice to the day before in the morning. A little easier to sit, but nothing to brag about. My mind wandered several times. Mostly, I was aware of sensations of thoughts but occasionally got lost for brief moments. I'm starting to see a pattern of seemingly poor mindfulness in the mornings compared to evenings. I'm not sure if this is just "normal" or if there is not enough energy. I wonder if I have just sat for years with too little energy in the mornings and have thus stagnated. I started regular evening sits just recently and now see that I am able to concentrate far better and more precisely before bedtime than in the mornings. There might be a need for adjustment in morning sits.

August 14, evening – 45 min
Late dinner (with 2 beers) with people I recently hired at the company. Tried to meditate afterward. There was probably still some alcohol in my blood. The practice felt slightly different, more numb, like it did many years ago when I first started meditating. However, I was mostly able to notice sensations consistently.

August 15, morning – 67 min
I woke up 2 hours before meditation, and it made a difference regarding the feeling of dullness during the sit. Mindfulness felt quite strong from the beginning, and the first 40 minutes of noting/noticing felt like 15-20 minutes. After the 40-minute bell, I suddenly began to worry if I had forgotten to attend today’s early meeting with a business partner. It bothered me so much that I had to check my calendar. Luckily, it was scheduled for tomorrow. I then continued sitting. I noticed that the session felt easy, quite pleasant, and spacious but somehow boring. It was as if some entertainment factor was lacking in the normally very eventful field of experience, like sitting at a concert with only 1-2 instruments.

August, 15 evening 60 min
Mindfulness felt stable from the beginning, so I started noticing right after counting 3x10. I noticed lots of sensations in the facial area, temples, and at the crown of the head. This time, the sensations felt sharper and more distinct compared to the usual smooth, thick, flowing sensations. I felt the resolution of awareness was also better. I tried to notice the arising and passing of individual rapid sensations, but it felt difficult. There were so many sensations that they seemed to arise and pass over each other, making it hard to distinguish individual sensations. Again, the buttocks and ankles felt solid, and I noted “feeling solid, ok” several times. Only when streams of pīti reached the lower body parts could I sense vibrations in them. I managed to notice sensations consistently for 40 minutes but ran out of energy after that. In the end, I could not maintain mindfulness as well.

August 16, morning – 47 min
I had to wake up earlier than usual for an early meeting at work, so I decided to do a shorter sit as well. It was a typical morning practice—I stayed mostly aware of sensations and thoughts but got lost in the thought stream at times. There was a pleasant, slightly dull/numb feeling, especially toward the end.

August 16, evening – 60 min
I noticed that my practice feels a lot different than it did just two weeks ago. Mindfulness feels more stable, and I seldom sink into the same kind of trance. This time, the sensations in the facial area and head at the beginning felt quite silent and calm, but they gathered energy as the practice continued. After 20 minutes, I was sitting in the midst of familiar chaotic pulsing/buzzing/streaming/tingling sensations vibrating very fast. But it didn’t cause any trouble. I was kind of enjoying the chaos, just staying aware of it. After 40 minutes, I noticed that I didn’t even need to try to notice the sensations—they just showed up and disappeared by themselves. They are so rapid, unpredictable, and out of control that there is no sense in trying to make sense of them. At the very end, even this chaos started to feel uninteresting, and I got lost in thoughts a few times. It’s hard to judge if this practice was bad or good—more like just a sit where I had no choice but to let it be out of control.

August 17, morning – 60 min
Today is a day off from work. I woke up after a good sleep and waited for an hour before meditating to gather energy. The practice felt light and easy. I started by noting for the first 10 minutes and then shifted to noticing. This time, the field of experience felt calm, and the space where sensations were happening felt larger most of the time. It seemed like the sensations in the facial area had no interest in pursuing high energy during this sit, which made the whole session feel peaceful and settled.

At one point, I felt like my attention immersed or zoomed in on the sensations of breath (a rapid pulsing flow). Simultaneously, for a short period, it felt as if other sensations (including thoughts) “came close” to the sensations of breath in space, so that many sensations, side by side, were clearly monitored by my attention. At that moment, the space where sensations were happening felt narrower.(I’m not sure if this makes sense, but that’s how it felt.) At one point, I noticed thoughts of lust and the subsequent arising of sexual energy in the pelvic area. I noted these sensations, and my attention naturally shifted back to other sensations, which caused the sexual energy to subside. Otherwise, there was no trance, no bliss—just a light, pleasant, easy-to-sit practice.

I see now that logging my practice helps me view meditation in a more honest light. It also helps me recognize recurring helpful and unhelpful patterns, which further aids in adjusting my approach to practice.

August 18, morning, 72 minutes Yesterday evening, I was at a party. I drank a little but went to bed at 11 p.m., so I woke up late in the morning feeling some heaviness in my body and a foggy mind. I resolved to try meditating for 80 minutes. At the beginning, mindfulness felt pretty steady, and after counting 3x10, I shifted to noticing right away. I felt heaviness in the chest area, but it softened to some degree during the sit. Noticing felt easy and effortless for the first 40 minutes, and I was able to stay aware pretty precisely until dullness (with dream images) started to settle over my mind. I felt I was losing mindfulness by maybe 30% compared to the earlier period. I tried to energize the mind by noting but didn’t manage to do it as consistently as I intended. At the end of the sit, I noted several times dullness, seeing (dream images), frustration, discomfort, and pain (in the ankles and heel). I ended the session 8 minutes before the scheduled time.

August 18, evening 60 min
I noticed high motivation for sitting before practice. It felt enjoyable from the beginning, even though there were a lot of sensations, energy, and pressure happening in the facial area. I was able to stay on track with many sensations without getting lost, pretty effortlessly. After 20 minutes, I tried dropping effort further, and at times, it felt almost like meditation happened on its own. When I saw mental images, I tried to see where I was looking at them. The point where seeing seemed to be happening changed place depending on the location (in space) of the object that was seen. Sometimes it seemed to be behind the eyes, sometimes at the back of the head, sometimes above or behind the head. I noticed subtle irritating tension/frustration in the mind when chasing the watcher. After 40 minutes, I was absorbed into sensations in the facial area again. I felt like I stepped into that storm and was noticing them in the eye of the tornado. At that point, the sense of the watcher was much thinner. After 1 or 2 minutes of noticing chaos in the middle of chaos, there was a blissful shift where the feeling of space got much bigger, and the sensations calmed down (to maybe 15% of the original). However, that state started to thin out maybe 20 seconds later. The sense of space remained larger, but the sensations started to gather energy again. Simultaneously, I started to feel pain and discomfort in my ankles and left heel. I stayed exploring the pain and aversion towards pain in the remaining minutes of the sit.

August 19, morning 60 minutes
Today, it felt like I meditated while half asleep but without dream images or getting lost in thought. There was a strong sense of dullness, but usually, I see images and am prone to mind-wandering if a sit feels dull. This time, however, my attention was naturally fixed on the sensations of the breath for the entire session. It felt like the breath was expressing itself to awareness, with no need to observe it actively. The breath felt like a light blue, pleasant, spacious, and continuous flow, which had its own agenda. The sit felt enjoyable and calm from start to finish, but it was somehow confusing, as I am used to a stormy field of experience, and this session felt very different.

August 19, evening, 70 min.
Practice felt very similar to the morning session. After 10 minutes, there was a sense of dullness, which felt different from my usual dullness. I was able to stay mindful and consistently notice sensations. This time, there were also notes of tasting and smelling, which have been quite rare in my sits. About 30 minutes in, my attention once again zoomed in on the sensations of breath and flow in the facial area. It was as if my attention dived into them. I explored these sensations im the middle of them for 1-2 minutes until I felt as if some pulse hit my left ear, which began to peep very clearly. Simultaneously, my visual field became almost black, and the sensations in the facial area (and the space around them) “relaxed,” completely which felt very blissful. I soaked in this blissful, peeping, otherwise quiet state for a while, gently noticing the subtle sensations that remained. The sensations started to gather energy, and the practice returned to the same level as before the shift. When the 60-minute bell rang, I decided to continue for a couple more minutes. After the sit, I felt energized and content.

August 20, morning, 56 min.
Today’s practice felt very confusing once again. There was a flavor of dullness, and it is hard to remember the details of the sit. However, overall, when I noticed the sensations of breath in this dull state, it felt as if I was aware of the “watcher” of the breath and other sensations, alongside the sensations of breath themselves. The “watcher of the breath” and the sensations of breath seemed to be inside the same frame of experience, and occasionally I felt as if I was observing both from the outside. It was as if I was watching a moving comic strip, where the “watcher” was one character and the sensations of breath were another. It felt like a dream, but I was aware. The “watcher of the breath” felt like just any random (but somehow confused) sensation, moving and morphing within the space, mostly near the sensations of breath. (This probably doesn’t make any sense—maybe I just dreamed). After the sit, I noticed a clearly increased heart rate and a feeling of fragility that I cannot link to any other conscious emotions or thoughts.

August 20, evening, 60 min.
Very similar to the morning sit, except for the clear “watching the watcher” feeling. There was again a sense of pleasant dullness, although I felt no tiredness and managed to notice sensations quite consistently. This time, more random dream-images appeared in the visual field. Additionally, there was at times a feeling of quite strong dizziness, as the feeling of the space around the sensations was constantly morphing. I feel uncertainty about the last few sits, as it is hard to judge if these have been “good or bad” practices. On the other hand, I have no choice but to sit and try to be aware of what is happening in the present. I might try to add more verbal notes next time when I start to feel this kind of sense of dullness.

August 21, morning 60 min
Nothing unusual to report. Similar sit to the previous ones. Pleasant dizzy sit again, very uneventful at the end.
Now I have been practicing twice a day for about a month, instead of just once a day. I’ve noticed that practice has started to happen naturally in my daily life in some degree. I find myself walking at slower pace outside or during a trip to the store. I pay more attention to how my body feels, how my steps feel, the sensation of the breeze on my skin, and the sounds in the environment. And I notice that there is more spaciousness in my body, and less suffering. This isn’t a conscious effort to incorporate practice into everyday life; it has happened on its own likely as a a result of increased practicing time.

August 21, evening, 60 min.

I had been sailing in calm waters for a few sessions, but today I met the storm/tornado again. From the beginning, sensations in the facial area felt very harsh, intense, energetic, and fast. And there were plenty of them. The pressure in my forehead was at times so intense that it felt almost painful at its peaks. I noted several times the chaos, pressure, and confusion. I couldn’t help but think I was probably sailing in the eye of the dark night. At one point, I saw flashes of the “Loch Ness” monster with big teeth and its mouth wide open. But nevertheless, the sit didn’t feel “bad” or difficult. I was able to explore those harsh sensations and vibrations with curiosity and even kind of enjoyed them. The storm lasted almost the entire session. The intensity dropped by just maybe 30% a couple of minutes before the end. It seems impossible to predict beforehand what kind of practice is to come.
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August 22, morning, 51 min

Long workday ahead. I felt tired and stressed before practice. Managed to count 3x10 on the third try. This time it felt hard to stay mindful, and I got lost in thought several times. Otherwise, sitting felt easy and quite pleasant/dull for the first 30 minutes of practice. Toward the end, I felt the urge to get up. I clearly noticed frustration, resistance, and a need to fix things when these kinds of “low-quality” sits happen. But ultimately, it is what it is now…Edit: I felt very sad and fragile after the sit. I was weeping a bit for an unknown reason when I drove to work.

August 22, evening, 60 min.

After a very long day at work, I felt exhausted, so I anticipated a difficult practice. Surprisingly, mindfulness felt pretty steady for the first 20 minutes when I mostly noted sensations with labels. After shifting to just noticing, it was a little harder to maintain (lost in thoughts for a short period maybe 3 times), but it went quite smoothly for the next 20 minutes as well. Sensations felt remarkably calmer than yesterday evening, but they were very clear. At the 40-minute mark, the resolution of noticing suddenly improved significantly for a couple of minutes, and I was able to distinguish the arising and passing of sensations in the facial area so clearly that I don’t remember anything similar happening for a long time. It felt like I was observing an irregular dotted line, where just one piece of the line was appearing and disappearing at a time. However, this improvement in resolution was impermanent, and I returned to a duller state. The last 15 minutes were spent in daydreams half of the time, as the mind and body seemed to have finally run out of energy.

August 23, morning (60 min)

I felt tired in the morning. Walked for 15 minutes and sat for 45 minutes. Walking felt nice, and it helped to energize my “sitting mind” to some degree. However, my mind wandered more than usual. The last 15 minutes of sitting felt very dreamy, spacious, and pleasant, but otherwise uneventful. It felt so nice that I had to make an effort to keep noticing the sensations that arose.

August 23, evening (60 min)
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A familiar chaotic sit with strong sensations in the facial area. This time, very rapidly pulsing sensations reached both ears, as if something was gently drumming on my eardrums. At the same time, it felt like I could hear the distant sound of a rushing waterfall in my ears, and my sense of hearing was reduced. Otherwise, there was nothing new compared to previous sits. Toward the end, I noted moments of discomfort and an urge to get up, but I managed to sit with these feelings until the end.

August 24, morning (60 min)

​​​​​​​I sat for an hour with a friend I seldom meet. During the first 20 minutes, I had to apply effort to stay mindful. In the middle part of the sit, I felt pleasure and a sense of ease. In the last 15 minutes, I started to wander into daydreams. Otherwise, the session felt comfortable and easy but quite low on energy.

August 24, afternoon (60 min)

I have two days off from work and am home alone. I took a nap and meditated afterward. My mind felt pretty steady and alert. It was easy to notice the rapid movements of attention from one sensation to another. Attention alternated mostly between sounds, sensations of breath, sensations of flow and pressure in the facial area, and thinking. This time, I could clearly notice when attention jumped to thinking and was sometimes about to contract around seductive thoughts, but since this chain was illuminated by awareness, I didn’t get lost in thoughts. At one point, I noticed that when I was thinking, sensations in the throat area felt slightly different. It was as if there was subtle tension around my Adam’s apple (maybe the vocal cords preparing to speak) when thinking was happening. At the end, I felt a strong, pleasant feeling of piti in my right shoulder. I decided to try to use it as a portkey to jhana, and it worked. I focused on the pleasantness of the sensation, and this pleasant tingling exploded throughout my whole body, and I soaked in bliss for a moment. (I think it was a soft jhana, but I may be wrong.) However, I’m not good at maintaining these kinds of states, so the state began to thin out and had completely passed maybe five minutes later. At the very end, I felt an urge to get up but managed to sit through the discomfort.

August 24, evening 60 min
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I felt rested  but somehow restless between sits. I have not been alone in weekends for a long time.  I like to have clean house and things in order, but last months has been so busy at work, that I haven’t had time to be meticulous, and have clearly several things to be done. But for this weekend, I decided to rest and meditate so undone things can wait. However, it is possible that undone things bothers me unconsciously and cause restlessness when trying to relax. I think clealiness is one of my coping mechanisms to try to get sense of control.But when I started to meditate, I was able to relax in present moment from the beginning. Sensate world felt oddly peaceful first 20 minutes, but gathered energy little by little resulting more chaotic sensations. But chaos felt just fine, and my noting/noticing mind was able to follow along. Just before 40 minutes there was a pleasant shift, where I felt as the space inside my head multiplied. It felt like my head grew up to big alienhead, where all the sensations in head area were happening. Then one minute later I missed this bigheaded state but the same shift happened again soon. Then I sat with that and eventually noticed that sense of dullness began to increase. I tried to track sensations which made the sense of dullness.  I noticed subtle humming in ears, foggy/slower mind, and flashing dreamimages in the visual field.

Hey, great logs, keep it up !! 

Noticing how certain thought patterns connect to bodily tensions is great practice. I think you've got a good sense of things. Continue to explore.

​​​​​​​It's really easy to let everything be where it is when practice feels pristine and clear. When things feel more difficult or dull there's often much more aversion occuring. Noticing that aversion is critical. 

Portkey to jhana ....

+1

And notcing how attention can jump to thought and yet that process is illuminated by awareness --- that's a very subtle insight, nice!

Sounds like you're getting to the paradoxical/hard-to-describe stage where "the witness" is starting to crumble a little and "direct experiencing" is happening more frequently.

Thank you, Bahiya and Shargrol! I read and listen carefully to your guidance. Just knowing that you read my logs and say ‘keep going’ supports my practice immensely.


I’ve noticed that I put a lot of energy into describing my practice as clearly and honestly as possible, so that I don’t deceive myself,  and when needed, can receive appropriate guidance from more experienced practitioners. That helps me to maintain motivation, faith and consistent practice.

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Your support for other practitioners is act of  great generosity. I really appreciate it. Thank you very much!

August 25, morning (70 minutes)
Usually, when I experience “chaotic” sits, there are lots of harsh sensations happening in a small space. This time, I experienced the opposite. It seemed as if there were fewer and much softer sensations to observe, and the space felt big. My mind expressed no interest in engaging in verbal noting. Before I started the sitting session, I did 10 minutes of walking meditation. I tried to note verbally, “lifting, moving, and placing,” but it felt difficult. Attention was so strongly fixed on the physical sensations of walking that it wanted to cast light on them. It was as if there was no space or time to note verbally, so I dropped the effort and tried to notice the sensations without labeling them.

When I sat down, I tried counting 3x10, but it too felt laborious (probably due to short memory and getting lost in other sensations, which pushed away mental sensations of counting). I couldn’t blame tiredness, as I felt well-rested. However, I managed to count 3x10 on the third try. After that, I shifted to full noticing, and it felt like there were far fewer sensations to observe in a big space compared to usual sits. Awareness felt somewhat dull and less alert. I noticed that there were periods when attention didn’t visit sounds, which usually feel very interesting and are precisely noticed. I noted confusion. Then I remembered Bahiya’s words about dullness and aversion and tried to ask myself: “What am I resisting?” I noticed sensations of tightness and thickness around my throat, neck, and shoulders. But I didn’t manage to catch the object of aversion. It was like chasing a puppy who had stolen something and was hiding it in its mouth. When I tried to get closer, the puppy ran away. I decided to let go of the chase and trust that eventually, the puppy would get tired and drop the object. But that didn’t happen during this sit. In the end, I was accidentally touched by an unknown portkey and thrown into a very blissful state, which I think could be jhana. As I bathed in it, it became physically even more intense. It started to feel like it was too much, and I noticed a subtle growing aversion toward it. Then I was naturally released from the intensity and stayed in a more relaxed version of it to the end. Overall, this sit felt confusing. The resolution of sensations, awareness of moving attention, and general alertness didn’t seem to be at their best. But otherwise, it was a very pleasant and physically pain-free session.

August 25, 1 st eveningsit (62 min)
I practiced noting for the first 15 minutes. Mindfulness felt quite steady and effortless. After that, I shifted to noticing, and once again, sensations in the facial area started to intensify. I tried to keep up with the noticing, accepting harsh sensations, but simultaneously noticed an underlying, increasing aversion toward the chaos. Just before the 40-minute bell, the pressure in my forehead started to unload recklessly. I saw my forehead in the visual field as if it was packed full of small, constantly moving muddy potatoes, which started to roll down through my nostrils with each out-breath. This lasted for several out-breaths, and the pressure in my forehead eased significantly. At the same time, I felt a sense of relief and had an odd, slightly scary mental image, as if my face was partly cut off from my head. I noted confusion and was carried away by thoughts of how to report this event in my log. It didn’t take long before I felt a sharp, stabbing pain in the middle of the crown area. I silently yelled at the sensation: “Not you, not now!” recognizing strong aversion. Then I noticed and almost prayed that all I want is peace. The pain subsided maybe after one minute and I tried to accept this experience of clear resistance by reciting to myself: “It is okay to seek peace” At the end, I was able to return to noticing practice, and noticed some “new potatoes” gathering inside my forehead and noted aversion towards that too. I know deep down that peace doesn’t come from trying to eliminate those unpleasant sensations, but it might be possible to make peace with them. I’m just not there yet, even if at times, I have managed to let unpleasant sensations be and investigate them with curiosity. Today that was not the case.

August 25, 2nd evening sit, 60 min.
Between sits, I sat on the couch for about an hour and contemplated the last session and my aversion towards its unpleasant sensations. I decided to try to make a truce with the "potatoes" (i.e., harsh sensations in the facial area and, at times, strong head pressure). I concluded that they have served me well. With their help, I have been able to investigate all three characteristics. They are clearly impermanent, they are not under my control, and they do not feel like me or mine. Resisting them only leads to suffering. So I virtually shook hands with the potatoes, promising to let them be and to learn from them further. With that promise in mind, I sat on the cushion waiting for the potatoes. They arrived soon enough, but with far less intensity compared to the previous session. At times, it seemed like they had taken a break. However, most of the time, they showed up, and I investigated their three characteristics. The session felt okay, though I did feel a bit beaten up.

August 26, morning (57 min)
I decided to try meditating right after waking up and brushing my teeth. Usually, I struggle with morning dullness, but given that I had meditated a lot over the last few days, I thought it might be different. Mindfulness felt steady for the first 20 minutes, and I was surprised when the interval bell chimed. It felt like less than 10 minutes had passed. Sensations didn’t feel intense either. Right after 20 minutes, dullness began to set in. But it was slightly different this time. I was somehow able to keep noticing, and the thinking/dreaming mind (whose sensations normally seem to be located and created inside my head) was much less involved than in normal dull sits. Awareness felt thicker and slower, and many mental sensations seemed to be located in space outside of the head. For example, normally when I notice the rising of the belly when inhaling, I feel the raw sensations in the belly area, and at the same time, I see a mental image of the rising belly, which I feel arises and is observed from the location of the head area. This time, the mental sensation of the rising belly didn’t form as an image of the rising belly “in my head,” but instead as an irregular image of a light blue area that arose from the belly area and was then located in the belly area. When that light blue form arose, it was filled with the raw sensations of the rising belly when inhaling. Thus, the mental sensation of blue form and the raw physical sensations of inhaling morphed from seemingly two sensations into one sensation during the inhale. It felt dreamlike and is hard to explain; probably it was just a lucid dream, as the clarity of this process felt vague. But the same process happened with other physical sensations too. So, I continued to notice that happening, occasionally getting carried away by wondering about that oddness. The period from 20-40 minutes felt very long, and when I was pretty sure that I hadn’t heard the 40-minute interval bell, the bell rang. Then I noted restlessness and the urge to get up, but I decided to try to sit through the restlessness to the end, and I almost made it.

August 26, evening (60 minutes)
After reflecting on what I noticed in the morning sit, I set an intention to explore the mental images or counterparts of tactile sensations. Mindfulness felt steady and my energy level was good, so I attempted this from the beginning. However, it probably involved too much effort, as it felt forced, and I didn’t notice anything except for the observer (located in the head area) watching mental images that seemed to be created by the mind living inside my skull. So I gave up this effort and instead tried to notice sensations and track how attention was constantly moving from one sensation to another—back and forth. After 20 minutes, there was a pleasant shift. I could relax, the resolution for subtler sensations increased, and I entered some kind of flow state.

In that flow state, when I noticed tactile sensations, I simultaneously noticed their mental counterparts without effort and without any intention to do so. Then I observed that they seemed to be created and expressed in the same location in space as their raw physical counterparts. Their source didn’t seem to be my head. To compare, I intentionally zoomed attention into my big toe to investigate its mental image. It felt like I was intentionally creating it in my mind (inside my skull), and I observed it from above, from my head. It actually feels very different to notice it that way, which unfortunately happens to be my default setting. It feels more artificial and requires more effort. I have noticed the same process earlier with physical sensations, but not with their mental counterparts. I don’t know if this is even important, but it feels significant. So for now, it seems that even mental images come from nowhere and have a built-in knowing of themselves.

August 27, morning 60 minutes
​​​​​​​
Felt like normal slightly dull neutral meditation. Nothing new to report. Well rested feeling, but yawned almost aloud twice. Mindfulness ok. Sensations felt quiet this time and there were not much happening. Noted boredom several times at the end. 

August 27, afternoon (68 min)

As the retreat approaches, I am trying to prepare for it and acclimate my body by adding extra sessions to my days whenever I have the opportunity. So, I decided to do an extra sit this afternoon.

The first 10 minutes of the sit were as usual. Then sensations of pulsing and flowing (which normally occur in the forehead and nose) got stronger and moved to the mouth and jaw area. My upper lip started to twitch and pulse recklessly, and I’m pretty sure it actually moved, even though I kept my mouth shut. I noted aversion to it and felt relieved that I was meditating alone. This unpleasant twitching continued for about 5 minutes before it calmed down. It wasn’t difficult to be mindful of it since the sensation (and the aversion toward it) captured my full attention. On the bright side, the impermanence of those individual twitching sensations was clearly observable.

Soon after the twitching phase was over, the pulsing and flowing sensations in the forehead and nose area seemed to lose power and slow down remarkably. It was like observing a slow-motion movie, reduced to 20% of its original speed. Sometimes, I have experienced sensations that feel “syrupy” when they feel slow, but not this time. They were clear, just much slower. It felt very nice, and I enjoyed it a lot. I noted I have desire for a peaceful sensory experience after chaotic sessions. After a while, the sensations sped up a little, but it still felt nice. I stayed in that state for about half an hour until I experienced a second shift. The sensations calmed down further, and the space around them felt far bigger and lighter. It seemed like there wasn’t much to notice compared to usual sits—just shallow sensations of flowing in the nostrils, a light narrow flowing sensation around the T-zone, light rising and falling sensations of the abdomen, and the sounds of traffic outside and ventilation. It felt easy to notice them all. It didn’t feel particularly pleasant, just easy and even boring. I also noticed that the movements of attention felt lighter (like a butterfly compared to a little bird).

When the end bell rang, out of curiosity, I decided to try to do a short samatha meditation. I tried to concentrate on the airflow in my nostrils/nose tip as usual. It felt otherwise doable, but attention didn’t want to fixate on such a tiny area, as it usually does in my samatha. When I tried to zoom in on the nose tip, attention illuminated that area and, additionally, the whole upper lip. I was able to keep my attention there, but nothing else happened. So, I decided to end the sit out of boredom. 

August 27, evening (57 min)

Before practicing, I read a chapter on impermanence in MCTB2. The standards that Daniel sets for the resolution of noticing in that chapter feel so high that it’s really disheartening. As I understood it, he describes the possibility/need of distinguishing gaps between sensations in fast vibrations and additionally picking apart the mental counterparts of individual physical flickering sensations. Daniel has written an amazing book, but for me, in this phase of practice, those high standards of resolution just fuel doubt. I thought I would never get there…no way. I can notice vibrations all the time in every sit and even outside formal practice, both slow and very fast, especially in the breath and head area, but reaching Daniel’s level of resolution really feels impossible. And I still feel a lot of solidity in my lower body (mostly the buttocks touching the zafu).
​​​​​​​
With these depressive thoughts looping in my mind, I sat down. I decided to pay attention to my buttocks and ankles, which felt like the most solid parts of my body. I noted: solid, doubt, solid, thinking, doubt, aversion, trying to fix, etc. At some point, sensations of solidity began to release in my legs and ankles, and I started to notice sensations moving and changing. This didn’t happen for my buttocks, though. It almost felt like my ass was cast from concrete. There might have been some cracks slowly opening, but overall it felt solid. Toward the end, I began to feel angry. I thought that there are several people on this forum who have broken through, and it should be my right to get there as well. I’m confident I already have some skills and that some part of the work is already done… But in this session, there was more looping thoughts, doubt, aversion, and anger, and less bright tranquility or exciting phenomenology of flickering sensate experience. 

August 28, morning (57 min)
I received a message from work early in the morning about a problem that needed to be solved. I also noticed that my mind was still occupied by some thoughts looping and reflecting on yesterday’s issue about the high standards of meditation practice.

As a result, my mind felt agitated, and I had to start counting 3x10 three times before I could complete it. Then I tried to relax and noticed that my mind had settled down quite well. Mindfulness felt okay despite the agitation. I was still agitated, but I was able to be aware of this and mostly follow the movements of my mind, which was eager to start problem-solving during the sit. After 30 minutes, I was able to relax further, the agitation calmed down even more, and the sense of space and lightness increased. It felt nice, and I continued noticing the sensations of body and mind with light effort. Toward the end, the agitation returned, and I felt an urge to get up and drive to work to solve the problem. So, I ended the sit 3 minutes before the scheduled time.

August 28, evening (60 min)
After a long day at work, I started to practice and experienced the most challenging session in weeks. After the counting part, I noticed that my mind didn’t want to engage in either noting or noticing, and mindfulness felt fragile. I was constantly lost in thoughts for short periods of time (maybe 10-40 seconds at a time). The sensate experience felt chaotic, dark, and contracted. Intense buzzing, pulsing, and pressure in the head area felt at times painful. There were both slow and very high unpredictable vibrations involved. Time passed slowly, and I felt pain in my back from the 20-minute mark onward. I noted pain, aversion, resistance, helplessness, doubt and thinking several times. But this time, I didn’t feel the urge to get up. Somehow, I deeply knew that this is what it is now, and it could not be anything else.

When 40 minutes had passed, I was still navigating the darkness. Soon after that, I experienced a gradual shift to a big space with far calmer sensations. It felt as if I had cut through the dense jungle (full of mosquitos) with a machete and arrived at the seashore. I felt relieved but noticed the fragility of that state. I got a break for maybe only 2 minutes before returning  back to the dense jungle, where I swung the machete until the end.

August 29, 3:30 am
I woke up at 3 am in the middle of a dream where I had acted with strong anger. I got up with my heart beating fast, still in the afterglow of the hatred I experienced, and furiously expressed in the dream. This is the second time I’ve started to become gradually lucid in dreams after a long period of intense practice. This month, I’ve practiced for over 60 hours (20 of which were just last week), and I had my first lucid dream in over two years.

In the summer of 2022, I had a two-month period of heavy meditation practice. Toward the end of that period, I had lucid dreams almost every night. During that time, I was even able to control some parts of the dreams. I became interested in the topic and studied it a bit, but my lucid dreaming subsided when the amount of practice decreased.

However, it’s interesting that in my recent sits, I’ve mainly tried to investigate aversions, and now I experienced and expressed pure rage in the lucid dream. This doesn’t feel like a coincidence. I was furious and acted accordingly, and it felt somehow shameful and relieving at the same time. I couldn’t control the burst of rage at all in the dream; it just streamed out recklessly. I see now that I’m very effectively suppressing the expression of frustration and hate in daily life. And the emotion of hate itself still feels “forbidden”. It actually does not need to be so. This is something I will continue working on both in practice and therapy. But I won’t delve deeper into this here.

With my heart still racing and my body gently trembling, I didn’t feel like I could continue sleeping. So, I sat on the cushion and set an intention to engage in verbal silent noting for one hour, especially since my last sit felt so difficult and dark. I was surprised at how fluently I was able to note verbally for such a long time. I haven’t done this type of practice very much, and almost never for more than half an hour at a stretch. The pace of noting was about 1-2 notes per second. It was mostly like: Pressure, flow hear, touch, hear, itch, coldness, pressure, hear, hear, flow, confusion, hear, hear, thinking, swirling, buzzing…etc. think about one-third of the notes were related to hearing, even though it was quite a silent environment at night. I noticed that my attention tends to visit auditory sensations very often? It might be helpful to ask a question: ”Am I noting sounds to avoid noting something unpleasant/painful, but important?” I like noting sounds, they feel mostly neutral or slightly pleasant. I have to investigate this more. But I was able to note consistently for about 40 minutes before I noticed myself getting lost a few times. I released the effort to note a couple of minutes before the end and just rested with noticing. Then I went back to bed and slept for two more hours.

August 29, late afternoon, 49 min.
Another difficult, drowsy sit. My energy levels felt low, and I found it hard to concentrate. The start was chaotic again, but the end was much calmer. However, it felt like a waste of time. There’s nothing more to log, as I spent half of the sit daydreaming and looping thoughts. I tried to sit for an hour but couldn’t make it. (I was about to skip logging this session, but it would feel like cheating.)

August 29, evening, 60 min.
I rested between sittings by eating and reading on the couch for about 2 hours. Then I sat on the zafu and decided to sit for 60 minutes, no matter what happened. It ended up being quite a mindful sit with three distinct phases:

    1.    0-20 min: I experienced a kundalini swirling storm, where sensations seemed to be observed from some distance (and effort was needed).
    2.    After 20 minutes: The observer was “pulled and morphed” into the facial swirling sensations, which were then observed at their locations. Mindfulness 
           felt quite effortless. Attention also visited other sensations elsewhere but rested in the swirling/pulsing/pressure most of the
    3.    After 45 minutes: Intense sensations softened, the sense of space increased, and I could rest in a far more peaceful environment until the end of the
           sit.

August 30, morning, 60 minutes
I had vivid dreams last night, and I remember one of the dreams very clearly, but I was not aware that I was dreaming, so the dream was not lucid. I woke up without an alarm clock and felt rested. My sensate experience felt peaceful and quite clear at the beginning, though it started to become foggier as time passed. I noted with labels at first but got lazy and stopped the use of  labels without noticing it, and soon enough fell into daydreams. I noted this and tried labeling again. The same cycle of daydreams → noting → daydreams happened several times. I noted frustration and a feeling of uselessness. During these phases, it might be worth trying to note aloud for a period of time. I may be so used to harsh, intense sensations that when there is more peace and space, mindfulness seem to decrease.

Toward the end, I experienced 1-2 second moments where everything seemed perfect. In those moments, it felt as if sensations were happening in 3D space and were known and experienced naturally. For example, the sensations of breathing in the belly area were there, were known, and felt just right. At the same time, sensations of sounds in space and sensations of breath in the nostrils expressed themselves at their spots, were known, and felt right and natural. Those moments felt so “whole” that I noticed I was trying to cling to and maintain that mode of perception, but with poor success. They were just brief flashes. At the very end, boredom arose, and I had to apply willpower to stay on the cushion for the last few minutes.

Nice, straight ahead!

Sometimes we catch a glimpse of the ocean before the jungle is through with us. Straight on toward the horizon where the jungle gives way and the sea meets the sky.

August 30, afternoon, 30 minutes
I have three consecutive days off from work, so I had the opportunity to do an afternoon sitting today. When I started the practice, clarity and mindfulness seemed to be at a decent level. But after maybe 15 minutes, the noting/noticing mind got lazy again, and dullness began to set in. I noted dullness and the desire for clarity and alertness to return. Then I remembered Shargrol’s words from three weeks ago: “Don’t need your wants!” It was as if they were whispered into my thinking mind. And now, I think I got it, and right away I felt thickheaded. When I read that post three weeks ago, I interpreted it as if I shouldn’t want anything. Now I understand that wanting is something that cannot just be dropped like that. Wanting happens, but the content of wanting is irrelevant, and I don’t need its content to happen in this moment to have a fruitful meditation practice. I have to try to trust that experience is just right each moment, and once again—it does not ask to be fixed. If it feels difficult and the desire to fix the experience arises, that’s also okay. But it’s helpful to become aware of these wanting moments too.

I spent several minutes of practice reflecting on this understanding and then tried to return to the present moment. I struggled to stay mindful, and out of curiosity, I decided to give Papa’s aloud noting practice a shot. I hated even the thought of it, but he had apparently succeeded in planting the seed in my mind by nagging several posters about it . I did about 10 minutes of aloud noting at a pace of maybe one note every 2 seconds, noting confusion, tightness, stiffness, and uncertainty several times along with other notes. It didn’t feel fun, but I agree that there’s no time to get lost in thoughts, and it can be a practical tool when struggling with mindfulness and trying to build it up during the session. But I definitely need more training to do it fluently. Afterwards, I returned, relieved, to noticing in a bigger, calmer space and stayed there until the end.

August 30, afternoon 2nd sit 60min
I didn’t make notes after sit. Nothing special happened. Skipped evening practice today. 

August 31, morning, 59 min
The experience field felt very simple. Sensations of breath and sounds were just there and in harmony with each other. There was no sense of hurry, as is often the case. Fewer thoughts. At one point, I noticed thoughts linked with developing or fine-tuning my practice. Thoughts like: what would be helpful to do or pay attention to now, to “have” it ready in place for the next practice. Then, suddenly, it became very difficult to understand what “next” even means. It just felt like a thought. I noted thinking and confusion. To explore this confusion, I tried to return to my habitual perception of time by thinking, “What if the next practice is tomorrow?” Again, I noticed it was just another thought happening right now. Then I asked myself: Is this mode of perception what is called timelessness? I got no answer to that but was able to let go of the confusion and stayed with gently noticing sensations of the present moment, including thoughts. Toward the end, I began to feel subtle discomfort and boredom. When I noticed thoughts like: “When will the end bell ring?” I realized that my usual sense of time had returned. At the end, I had a strong urge to get up. I tried to notice the sensations that made up the urge and sit through it. There were so many iterations of this process that I finally gave up 1 minute short.

August 31, afternoon, 60 min
At the beginning, mindfulness felt steady, and the sensate world was quite neutral. I practiced noting for about 10 minutes, then shifted to noticing. Soon enough, sensations started to intensify. I’ve become so familiar with this transition that today it just felt normal and right. I silently invited the intensifying sensations to do their job. They swirled around for a while and then calmed down again. I noticed that it is quite easy to be mindful in the jungle of intense sensations, but far harder when sensations are quiet, neutral, or subtly pleasant. More effort is needed. I sank into the pleasant anesthesia/dullness, getting lost in thoughts a couple of times. At the 40-minute mark, I shifted back to noting for a moment to gather scattered mindfulness. It helped, and 5 minutes before the end, I experienced a pleasant, wavelike shift. It started as if a drop of water had hit my right eardrum, which started to peep, resulting in a wave of light and space over the whole experience. But this was just a wave and had mostly thinned out a minute later. However, after the end bell, I felt contentment and peace. 

August 31, evening, 60 min
This time, sensations felt very intense and clear in the facial area, and they seemed to be more outside or on the surface of the skin than in a normal chaotic sit. The clarity of these swirling vibratory sensations was remarkably greater than in the usual “jungle” sits. Fine vibrations also spread many times over the whole body as pleasant waves. Towards the end, awareness somehow contracted again, and the facial sensations seemed to crawl under the skin, making the sensations feel less clear and more buzzy. I was looking forward to the release of this noisy and contracted experience field at the end, but it never happened.

I have noticed a pattern of cycling between different modes of space and varying intensity of sensations in almost every sit. This cycling seems to be completely out of my control. I have no idea if there are several nanas cycling, or if the cycling happens within a certain nana. After all, it doesn’t even matter. But somehow, my trust in the process has increased, and mostly I believe this is what it is now and that it should go like this.

September 1, morning, 65 min
I felt well-rested and content before the sit. The body felt spacious, and mindfulness was steady. When I counted 3x10 at the beginning, I noticed very clearly the memory lapses during the counting. There were a lot of sensations happening, attention visited other sensations while counting, and I had to apply extra effort to remember the previously counted numbers. Earlier, when this process have happened, I have judged mindfulness to be bad or dull. Now I noticed that this might not be the case. It may be just a direct insight into the impermanence of memory.

Otherwise, this session felt more spacious, peaceful, and “out of intellect” than usual. There were several moments of confusion where I couldn’t quite understand intellectually what was happening. I noticed that the mind tried to rush to interpret and analyze the experience several times. In those moments, I noticed that attention was about to contract around the analyzing. When that happened, the feeling of spaciousness started to contract as well. I realized, that there is no need to start logging this session during practice and managed to let go of the need for explaining/understanding by noting “confusion… ok… relax.” But now it’s hard to recall the details of those moments of experience. I just remember moments of dizziness, vibrations washing over the whole body, and a feeling of space and contentment.

September 1, afternoon, 40 min
I had a 40-minute free slot in the afternoon, so I used it to practice. It was a similar sit to the morning, but with more mind-wandering. Nothing stood out.

September 1, evening, 63 min​​​​​​​
The practice started with moderately intense sensations in the facial area and quite effortless mindfulness. Sensations began to gather more energy after 20 minutes, gradually intensifying to the point where they started to feel physically painful at the 40-minute mark. Until then, it was quite easy to sit, but at that point, I noticed I was sweating, and the practice began to feel like a hard workout. I tried to relax, but it felt hard. Some painful memories from the past (4-5 years ago) flashed in my mind; I noted them and managed to let them go. There were no shifts or relief during this sit. It started dark and became even darker and more contracted as time went on. When the end bell chimed, I noted aversion and decided to sit a couple of minutes more, desiring a shift that could provide some relief and calmer conditions for sleep. It didn’t happen, so I decided to stop soon after that. Now I’m bothered and a little scared if this is going to be the theme for the solo retreat (starting next Sunday). It feels like those rude sensations are going to tear me to pieces. But overall, the sit didn’t feel “bad.” I was able to stay mindful and notice well. It was just very unpleasant, dark, and, at the end, even physically painful. 

Sit with the discomfort. Be honest about it. Feel it, feel around it, include it in your experience. Notice that a lot of the discomfort is aversion. Aversion to being with the reality of your experience. Notice yourself trying to avoid it and stop avoiding it. Notice yourself wanting something different and stop wanting something different. Relax with the discomfort, include it in the field of your experience, that's the practice. That's always the practice.  

Thanks for pointing that out Bahiya. I have to try to surrender to the experience more and more…

September 2, morning, 50 min
Before the practice, I received bad news from work. I would have to go in earlier than planned and work an earlier shift to cover for the absence of two staff members. I started the session with an agitated mind, knowing that I wouldn’t have time to sit for a full hour and that there wouldn’t be time for logging afterward. But I chose to practice for as long as I could. No surprise, I sat with a sense of hurry, and my mind wandered several times to work-related issues. Nevertheless, sensations felt calmer, and the sitting felt easier than yesterday’s dark session. But I can’t recall anything else special.

September 2, early evening, 75 min
The nature of each sit seems to be completely random. Consecutive sessions can differ from each other just like storm and sunshine. Last night, I sat in a thunderstorm with strong winds and hail. Now, it started cloudy with a moderate wind. It got clearer toward the end, with calmer wind and the sun occasionally shining. The clearest shifts occurred at 20 and 40 minutes marks. I had at times slightly dizzy feeling and some head drops as if I was about to fall asleep. But I was not tired at all. I don’t know if my posture should be more upright. Overall, contrary to previous session, this one felt so easy and relieving that I decided to stay on cushion little longer.

September 2, late evening, 60 min
This session was like a mirror image of the previous one. The start of the practice felt spacious, light, dizzy, and pleasant. Even though the sensate world felt quite peaceful, there were a lot of vivid sensations of flow cruising around space. were After 40 minutes, I started to notice subtle discomfort and pain in my legs. I tried to notice the sensations of discomfort. There were spots of pain in the body, a feeling of heat, and thoughts of wanting to change position. As the sense of discomfort increased, the underlying aversion increased as well, and I noticed that sensations in the facial area intensified. I’m not going to lie—I couldn’t stop resisting the increasing aversion toward the discomfort as Bahiya proposed, but the resistance seemed to result in more discomfort in the form of agitation of facial sensations and a increased feeling of heat. So, this time I was hit by both arrows: the first arrow of pain and discomfort, and the second arrow of other unpleasant sensations born from the aversion.

September 3, morning, 60 min
I felt rested when I woke up. I noticed a feeling of “sweetness,” like that pleasant and sweet sensation just before falling asleep, though I was not tired. This feeling of sweetness lasted through the entire session. After counting, I started anonymously noticing sensations right away. This time, many mental sensations seemed to be outside of the observer. Usually, when I notice mental sensations, they seem to be more inside and somehow part of the observer. Now, most of them seemed oddly to be outside, and rarely inside. Sometimes it felt as if I struggled to distinguish which of the sensations happening outside were mental and which were tactile. They seemed to blur together somehow. I have experienced this type of perception before, and it tends to happen during morning sits when the mind is less agitated.

September 3, evening, 60 min
The sensate world felt very similar to the previous sit, but this time there were almost constant showers of piti and subsequent transitions to states that I think are probably jhanas. This was not something I expected because I didn’t try to do or create anything other than relax and notice what was going on. But then it was like piti was poured on different parts of my body, time after time. I didn’t try to enter jhanas; I was just thrown into them, and at moments my eyeballs felt like they were trying to turn around. I tried to investigate the nature of these flowing sensations more carefully because I thought I was accidentally practicing samatha, but it didn’t change anything. As I practiced this “wet” vipassana, more piti was poured on, and I just had no choice but to bathe in it. At the end, I noticed a subtle aversion toward those most intense transitions. There were so many of them that I didn’t even count, and it started to feel like too much by the end of the session. I don’t know why there is such a big variation in my sits, but that seems to be the case right now. I have practiced 2-3 hours a day for over a month now, so that may have an effect on it.

I will start solo retreat on Sunday 9th September, and stay there until Sunday 16th September. The retreat location is at a cottage in a scenic natural environment by the lake. For the retreat, I wrote intention and formal schedule, which I aim to follow as precicely as possible. I am going to print this and keep it next to my zafu as a reminder to myself.

Intention for pracitice methods on retreat:

Main Sitting Practice: I will engage in noting/noticing practice:

• I start every sitting meditation with an intention for sitting, followed by a short metta, and counting 3x10.
• When energy levels and mindfulness feel strong, I will mostly practice noticing. However, I always try to note challenging emotions, aversions, desires, and urges (like anxiety, doubt, pain, discomfort, urge to get up, etc.).
• When energy levels/mindfulness feel low or I sink into dullness, I try to note (with mental labels) at least one sensation per second. Additionally, I try to notice possible aversion and/or greed when sitting feels difficult.
• When I am able to perceive vibrations of sensations clearly, I will investigate their three characteristics as completely and consistently as I can.
• I try to let my mind and intuition guide the specifics of the investigation.
• I try to investigate tactile and mental sensations linked with thoughts and dukkha.
• When I fail and get lost in thoughts, I try to remind myself that it happens to all of us, and that the experience has already passed when I notice it. Beating myself up would be a waste of time.

Walking Practice:

• I walk outside in a yard circle at different spots along paths about 10-20 meters long before turning.
• I intend to walk mostly at about 30% slower pace than normal street walking, since that pace seems good for me for walking meditation. But I might try other paces as well.
• When I do daily forest walks, I will walk at a normal or almost normal pace while trying to be as mindful as possible.

Cooking/Eating/Swimming and Other Activities:

• I will take my time with all activities. I will try to maintain continuity of mindfulness as best as I can in all activities. I will practice tasting and smelling when eating.
• Additionally, I intend to try to play with spotting intentions before subsequent actions in activities other than formal practices as well.

Cooking/Eating/Swimming and Other Activities:

• Just taking good time for all activities. Try to maintain continuity of mindfulness as well as I can in all activities. Try to practice noticing tastes and smells when eating. Additionally, I intend to try to play with spotting intentions before subsequent actions in other activities besides formal practices as well.
• I intend to eat light, to avoid tiredness that may result form eating too heavily.

Distractions:

• Cell phone in offline and “Do not disturb” mode. Only text messages will come through (in case of emergency).
• No reading, no listening (except Dharma talks in the evening downloaded from Dharma Seed). If you know good ones, I would be grateful for suggestions.
• I allow myself to make brief notes between sessions. I intend to use a maximum of 2 minutes per written note/session.

Daily Schedule:
6:15 Wake up and swim in the lake
6:45 Sitting meditation (45 min)
7:30 Cook and eat breakfast
8:30 Working period: window washing, cleaning, cutting logs
9:30 Sitting meditation (60 min)
10:30 Walking meditation (45 min)
11:15 Sitting meditation (60 min)
12:15 Cook and eat lunch
13:15 Nap and/or stretching exercise
14:15 Sitting meditation (60 min)
15:15 Forest walk (60 min)
16:15 Sitting meditation (60 min)
17:15 Cook and eat light dinner (light the sauna stove)
18:15 Sauna and swim in the lake
19:15 Sitting meditation (45 min)
20:00 Dharma talks (60 min) from Dharmaseed
21:00 Sitting meditation (60 min)
22:00 Further practice or sleep

Total: 6.5 hours of sitting practice and 2 hours of walking practice.

Oh, man, that sounds so good! I hope it brings you both enjoyment and insight. 

Great plan!

But about your intention --- what does success look like (honestly)? Is it maintaining dedication and sticking to the schedule? Is it becoming comfortable with the nanas? Is it to discover and dwell in jhanas to the extent they arise? Is it exploring the vastness of the Equanimity nana when you feel like everything is normal and there isn't anything more to do and yet there must be more? Is it as blatent as "I want stream entry"?  Is it as simple as "I want to have a good retreat and not go crazy"?

It can be good to come up with a reasonable, practical goal. And good to have a secret "this is what I really want really want but I know it's too much ask for but still it's what I'm truly hope for" goal. 

Not that we should expect that we get our goals, but thinking about goals has a way preparing the mind for the uncertainty of what will actually occur. It helps us be honest about what we're bringing into the retreat environment.

(Hope this is helpful in some way, no need to over think it -- your plan sounds good!) 

Thanks Martin and Shargrol,

Actually, I feel that I have clear goals, but I hesitated to speak about them out loud here, since my goals involve mapping, which I’m uncertain about. Sometimes I’ve felt that I haven’t even passed A&P, while at other times, I’ve felt that I’ve been in EQ.

But I’ll speak them out loud here now and give my best guess as to where I think I am on the map, even though I might be wrong.

I believe I’ve mostly been in the dukkha nanas and re-observation in recent years. I may have been in EQ for the first time two years ago during a two-month period of intensive meditation. However, at that time (unknowingly being in EQ), I didn’t know what to do with it, and I faced some significant difficulties in my daily life. When my practice time and quality decreased due to these difficulties, I fell back into DN and have been there since. Last month (after reading more about the maps), I think I might have been cycling between re-observation and low EQ.

Shargrol outlined many elements that align with my goals for the retreat. These include:

    •    Maintaining dedication, sticking to the schedule, and not going crazy.
    •    Becoming comfortable with the nanas, no matter what shows up, and with that, hopefully getting to more stable EQ during the retreat.
    •    Building a good foundation for practicing further toward SE after the retreat.
    •    Secret hope: I reserve the possibility of a miracle on retreat—namely, stream entry. If that happens, I intend to explore the jhanas in the afterglow.

Overall, and most importantly, my goal is to gain more insight. I’ve noticed the unsatisfactoriness of the jhanas and don’t try to call them up. If they arise, I will allow them and try to investigate their qualities (the 3Cs).

 Perfect. I think you are in a really good place for making the most of the retreat - for what that's worth

Yeah, you're a dark night yogi, definitely post A&P and definitely touching on EQ at times. When I read your logs, I get the feeling that your practice is sort of like springtime when everything is warming up and the ice is melting and things are starting to move... It's really common to have confusing trends (e.g. dark night/reobs in the morning, EQ a few hours later, jhana an hour later, more EQ, more dark night, more jhana, etc.) when the solidity of dark night is crumbling...

Don't be too worried about forcing insight or avoiding jhana. If jhana shows up, you'll see it is 90% bodily sensations --- the mind/the noticing/ the "knowing" is mostly unaffected. So jhana is actually great for insights during jhana as well as afterwards. So if jhana happens naturally, you can let it stay naturally or go naturally -- it's not a problem at all. It can be a guilt-free experience. And jhana does condition the mind in a favorable way for EQ and SE.

I'm going to link an important article from Kenneth Folk that talks about how westerns have problems with soaking in jhana: Jhana and Ñana - Wiki - www.dharmaoverground.org When reading this article, consider that "concentration" is probably better described as "centering". In other words, concentration means a body-mind state of being at the center of an experience. This is slightly different that being the observer/witness of experience. It's closer to the sense of feeling "at home" in experience --- that's real concentration. And when a dark night yogi starts becoming effortlessly centerred, then jhanas naturally arise. It's much more simple than "putting all your attention at one spot under the nose" -- which becomes very neurotic, especially for westerns. If you naturally and peacefully allow you mind to follow your attention and relax... then the attention will naturally calm down and you'll become centered. This is basically inevitable on retreat if you simply and gently stay mostly on schedule. It doesn't need to be forced.

(Yes of course you can worry about greed for jhana, but the interesting thing about jhana is that because it is so satisfying -- like eating a rich meal and dessert -- there rarely is craving for more -- like how you don't want more rich food and desserts after you have already eaten a rich meal and dessert!)

Enjoy the simple and natural experience of being a human being on retreat. Allow the mind to give you a guided tour of the nanas and jhanas. Balance effort and relaxation --- and emphasize relaxation since the consistency and duration of the retreat itself will naturally provide the intensity. Trust your self and make simple modifications to the schedule as needed/appropriate, but when in doubt mostly stay on schedule.

The more you can approach this as a learning exercise and less as a desparate attempt at some specific goal, the better things will probably be. But it's also good that you have shined a light on your intentions/goals because retreats have a way of forcing a kind of honesty, so it's good to have all of your egoic goals made conscious instead of lurking in the subconscious.  

"Gentle in what you do, firm in how you do it."

Best wishes!!
 

Thanks a lot Shargrol!

I will take your valuable guidance with me to the retreat.


I actually felt relieved when you validated my DN-yogi assumption. At times, I’ve wondered if there are even much more challenging periods of practice to face. Now I can see subtle light at the end of the tunnel. This too, feels very important. 

September 3, late evening, 60 min
Very similar sit to the day’s two earlier sits. This time I felt only subtle piti and experienced no jhanas. I was again paying mostly attention to the inside-outside (observer-sensations) polarity, since it has begun to feel slightly odd and confusing. But it felt so interesting, that it was easy to stay mindful. The observer (which felt like it was mostly observing from inside my head) seems to observe sensations that is happening outside, but it’s getting weird because some of the mental sensations that earlier seemed to be inside are now cruising between inside and outside. At some moments, observing also seems to happen partly outside, but then something has to be observing the observing. At one point, the tactile sensations of breath (in the nostrils) seemed to be happening in both spaces at the same time. It felt like the sensations of breath had penetrated through both walls of those spaces, creating an airbridge between them. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but it felt like that. Sitting felt once again dizzy maybe due to that oddness.

September 4, morning, 60 min
Third sit in a row with the same theme/type. A spacious, pleasant, easy sit with calm, flowing sensations. I’m still trying to investigate observing the observing phenomenon. It feels like I’m chasing my own tail.

September 4, afternoon, 60 min
Similar sit to the previous ones. I felt tired before starting, but when I sat down, the tiredness disappeared. I intuitively began to investigate the sensations of smooth flow in the facial area. I tried to concentrate mainly on the mental parts of the sensations. I noticed that even when I observe just one second of this flow, I can detect a huge set of different sensations that create a mental impression of this one-second flow. These include location in space, size, direction of flow, intensity, sharpness/texture, and frequencies of individual pulsing sensations, temperature, and speed of the flow sensation, etc. All of these are woven together and experienced as a mental impression of the one-second flow. And then there is the vedana for the whole package. This time they felt quite neutral; in dark sits, they feel unpleasant. If I label this, I simply say “flowing.” I investigated this about 45 minutes. Fifteen minutes before the end, I started to feel subtle tension in my back, and my mind got tired. So, I decided to just relax. Soon after that, I experienced a shift to a bigger, calmer, and more silent space. I sat in that big bubble until the end.

September 4, evening, 60 min The sit started peacefully but moved toward chaos after 20 minutes. At the 40-minute mark, I felt pain and stiffness in my lower back and changed position to lying down. I was able to stay mindful even while lying down. A very dizzy sit again. Half of the sit was peaceful, and the other half chaotic.

September 5, morning, 60 min
A pleasant, spacious session with not much happening. Involved thinking and reflections about my goals for the retreat. September 5, afternoon 60 min
When I started counting, I felt piti washing over my body already during the first set of 10 breath cycles. I decided to surrender to it and was soon thrown into a blissful state. It started out physically very intense but quickly shifted to a less physical, more like “being in a bubble of contentment” -state. Soon after, I noticed that physical sensations became very subtle. There were just a few very light, flowing sensations in my forehead and face (an area that’s usually crowded and loud). Space felt big and white, and at times, it felt dizzy. I stayed in that state for about 15 minutes. Then, I noticed sensations in my forehead starting to intensify, followed by a subtle aversion toward them. I said to myself silently: “This experience is exactly right now. This is what I need!” And I actually believed it. With that, I was able to let go of the aversion. The sensations made a U-turn and started to calm down. I returned to that silent bubble and stayed there until the end. It felt like I was in some kind of bubble the entire session.

September 5, evening 60 min
The sit started with steady mindfulness and clarity. After counting, I started noticing right away. Sensations in the head area were clear, but their intensity and speed were moderate. It was quite easy to follow their movements and impermanence. There was a clear sense of me observing phenomena. After 20 minutes, the sensations began to speed up and gain power. But this time, it didn’t feel like a problem. Yes, I felt as if I was sitting in the middle of a very warm tornado with a sense of hurry, but it felt slightly dreamlike and was more tolerable than before. At the 40-minute mark, the sensations started to calm down. There was no clear shift; they just began to quiet down. By the end, they felt very slow and syrupy, and the sense of the observer was far thinner. Overall, the sit felt quite chaotic, but not difficult.

September 6, morning 60 min
Calm sit right after waking up, with not much happening. I again noticed something odd while observing the sensations of the breath in the facial area. I couldn’t quite grasp what it was. It seemed as though the same sensations of the breath were arising simultaneously in two vertically different locations in space, sometimes partly overlapping, and at other times seemingly separate with a clear distance between them. One of the sensations seemed to be above the other. I investigated this throughout the entire sit, trying to figure out what was happening, but I couldn’t get it. The sensations were so vague that it was even hard to see which were mental and which were physical—or if both were mental sensations. Both seemed to arise simultaneously in the observer side of the space, but mostly apart from each other.

September 6, afternoon 2 x 40 min
I did 2 shorter sessions this afternoon. Didn’t make notes after sits. Calm sits with light piti, and daydreaming…otherwise not much happening.

September 7, morning 60 min
Much the same as yesterday: silence, space, daydreaming, light piti, and some boredom toward the end. Over the past few days, attention feels like its spotlight has not been as bright and clear as before. It seems to catch sensations in a broader space but does so very lightly. Sensations in the facial area have diminished and decreased significantly. All of this makes it more difficult to stay mindful, especially toward the end of the sit. If this happens again, I might try light verbal noting to stay more mindful. Right now, sitting feels less energetic—easy and calm, but with a flavor of dullness and boredom. I had to put in some effort to log this sit because it felt like I had so little to report.

September 7, afternoon, 60 min
This time, sensations felt more distinct, clear, and usual compared to the morning. It felt like meditating many years ago—something familiar but neutral. I felt just very light piti a few times during the sit. Occasionally, I felt some pain in my lower back, but it passed quickly. Toward the end, sensations once again became more silent and slightly syrupy. At that time, I noticed that the sensations of the breath at my nostrils echoed in my forehead. It had the exact same texture, and the timing seemed to align pretty well. It’s hard to tell if it was happening exactly at the same time or just slightly behind. I’ll have to explore this more.

This is my last log before the solo retreat, which starts tomorrow. I’ll be back here after that.

May the time spent on retreat benefit all beings, including myself. Best wishes and thanks a lot for the support.

Best wishes for your retreat!!

Good luck. I look forward to hearing about it. You've got a good practice going.