Starting log #4.

Link of last message in log #3:
RE: Barros's Pratice Log #3 - Discussion - www.dharmaoverground.org

DAY 2024-10-01

I meditated for an hour. I started with the phase of control and ease. Comparing how, in the beginning, it’s easy. How, at the start, everything is broad. How, in the beginning... it’s easy to follow the instructions and guidelines of what should be done, how the practice should be conducted. It feels like everything is under control. Then, the phase of dullness comes. Out of nowhere, it appears. After some time, it shows up. And then, there is darkness, a short memory. I can’t keep the instruction under control. Sometimes, if I’m just noting, just experiencing, I want to insert the instruction to accept and experience. But then, an image comes, a lucid dream, a small daydream, and I lose control. Afterward, the awareness returns, but that’s how the dullness phase is. Deep down, I keep wanting to note, feeling like I need to note. Dusko talks a lot about this: "you have to note, you have to note." But this phase of dullness is very difficult. I have no control, and sometimes I forget the instruction, and then I’m in a daydream, in a lucid dream. Well, then I regain awareness, I start noting again, I try to anchor myself in the body sensations. I put effort into trying to note, but after a while, I lose it again. And so it goes; I managed to continue like that as much as possible.

Hello Andre.
If you are interested in reading about this from a few different perspectives, then this post and replies to it are very informative.
​​​​​​​https://www.reddit.com/r/midlmeditation/comments/13qc2cg/please_help_with_strong_dullness/

Hi Adi.

From what I read, the idea is very similar to what Dusko has been telling me. For example, opening my eyes and noting out loud. I've done that already (a few times) and I'm thinking of trying it again. I still intend to keep trying the way I've been doing it for a while longer. But if it gets too stagnant (for about 3 months), then I'll really go back to trying Dusko's method.

​​​​​​​Thanks for the tip!

DAY 2024-10-02 I meditated for an hour. I started with the intention of putting more energy, more effort, trying to balance relaxation. I have the hypothesis that I am still relaxing more than putting in effort. Effort in the sense of trying to make notes, observe, and show more interest. Today, I used my upright posture as a base. My intention was not to let it relax. Everything else could relax, except my posture. So, I focused a lot on the upright position of my spine. I observed the sensations in my body and stayed aware of my spine. It was always there, keeping me vigilant about my posture and energy. This didn’t change the situation in terms of going through the dullness phase. I could see my mind becoming dark, my memory shorter, but I still had the instructions present, I didn’t forget them, which I think is the most important. Sometimes, in the dullness, I forget and lose consciousness, but today my awareness was very strong, always remembering, coming back, vigilant of my upright posture. I noticed images, but they didn’t turn into dreams. There was some tension, but I just let it go. I accepted it, keeping the intention of seeing how this new balance of effort and relaxation would perform. I thought it was a good experience; I maintained my awareness and energy. The dullness was present, but shallower, weaker. I plan to do this for at least a week and see the results.

There was a mistake here, and I corrected it. The correct version is:​​​​​​​
"I noticed images, but they didn’t turn into dreams."

I think I understand now what you mean by "became dreams". Its what I call a "realm/trance" when certain experiences cause entrance into a realm of sorts. Lets say there is a sound contacting my hearing and then there is a cognizing that "its my family making the noise" accompanied by a mind image of my kids playing on the floor in the other room. Now from this the attention can get sucked into a realm of sorts, a dream of sorts, it can develop into a storytelling that is maintained in a realm of sorts which can go into any direction or realms etc etc ... Basically such dream/realm is a trance state as the mind fixates so strongly into this one realm (at any given time) and excludes all else which might also be taking place at this time, but ignorance is overpowering wisdom (and both these arise on their own and are not part of our volition anyway so do not beat yourself about it)

Awakening is many small steps of realizing "oh I was utterly sucked into a dream/realm/trance, how lovely that I could actually see this and pull out into the all-encompassing awareness". The more we do this on the cushion, the more chance the wisdom will start overpowering ignorance with time and practice. The Rome was not built in one day  

Your practice is going well! Best wishes and straight ahead! 

Yes, Dusko. It’s similar to that. A kind of trance/dream. I come out of it and see that I was trying to fix something there (in that illusion). There is subtle dukkha there.

Thank you very much, my friend!

My teacher Kenneth Folk was telling me how the Realm/Dream is not an issue really, and with practice one can get to the point of basically deciding if one wants to commit to any particular realm or not. If yes, then I go "into it" and know it all, with all its "realness" and "passion" connected to it. If not then I decide not to commit to it and fall back into the Bardo of Awareness and see what else comes up (and come up it will as that is what Mind does), and on and on.

At some stage post-SE one can start toying more with these "Realm visitations" and explore them. Or investigate if these "Realms" even existed? If so then what makes me say that they have been real, etc ... Lots of fun! Or not  

However this is all farfetching and best is to keep it simple; one note per matter or fact experience, simple, itch, unpleasant, image, aversion, image, aversion, itch, ... 

I don't have to awaken to all this. Only the Mind has to awaken to all this. And the Mind is not I, me or mine.

Nice Dusko!

For now, I want to focus for a week on posture and on setting the notation slightly above my comfort zone. This will increase my energy and tension. In other words, I'm adjusting the effort vs. relaxation factor. I want to see if it will help.

DAY 2024-10-03

I meditated for an hour. I started with the intention of keeping my spine straight, increasing the speed of my notation to a level above my comfort zone, and experiencing whatever needed to be experienced, noting when the desire to change something arose. Today, I wasn't as excited or enthusiastic to meditate. My interest was lukewarm, kind of neutral. I kept noticing this, trying to put in energy and increase my effort in notation. Gradually, it improved, but I didn't have that phase of easy and very interested notation. It was lukewarm.
Then came the phase of numbness. I focused more on the straight spine and on noticing the sensations in my body. I managed to prevent the images from turning into dreams or trance. I realized that it wanted to enter a trance, but I could notice, put interest in it and change the situation. In the end, I was more relaxed, but boredom and a lot of jolts started to appear. The body kept moving, as if it wanted to find a better position. It was as if I were stretching, stretching my body. I felt a certain pleasure in doing this and noticed these movements a lot. The body moved subtly, going to the left, to the right, straightening the spine. In the end, it stayed on that a lot. I was observing, noticing and trying to experience that.

DAY 2024-10-04

I meditated for an hour, and my mind was atypical, it was excited. I noticed this right at the beginning and started to take advantage of it. When thoughts and conversations arose, I pulled my mind back to the body sensations, creating interest in them. I thought: "Let's experience this, let's enjoy the moment." And I observed the simple, appreciated the simple. My mind was sharp, focused on observing the simple, wanting to understand reality. When it got to 35, 40 minutes, the dullness hadn't arrived yet. But after 40 minutes, it came, and I saw it as if the lights in the house were being turned off. However, there was still light in the center of the house. It happened gradually, not all at once; within 10 minutes, the lights were turning off. But there was still energy, my memory wasn’t so short, I could still follow the instructions, I could observe.

Throughout the meditation, I felt a big heart, a great openness. Negative experiences arose, but they were accepted broadly, without affecting me. Instructions from the Dhamma came up, to experience, to stay with the simple. I knew what had to be done, there was no doubt. Instructions to experience the body, the body speaks, see what the body is saying. And there, I began to get absorbed. At one point, I became absorbed in the breath and the sensations of the body, and it seemed like I was in high equanimity because it was a short moment, about 5 minutes, where I didn’t need to give instructions, note, or anything. I was being carried, I could see everything. I thought: "Wow, if I keep going like this, I will be absorbed into something, something will happen." But then, it passed. I felt a bit of anxiety, maybe, I’m not sure, but I came out of that state. It was calm, I thought: "It’s okay, I’ve done more than I usually do." So, I returned to noting body sensations. I felt a little bored, which passed, then a bit of anxiety, which also passed, but I was present, I was there. It was a very interesting experience.
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DAY 2024-10-05

​​​​​​​I meditated for an hour and thirty minutes. I'll try to summarize. I started with the initial phase of trying to calm the mind. I don’t exactly remember how it went. I think it wasn’t easy. I had to put in a bit more energy to notice and balance the mind. Then came the phase of dullness. My memory became short, and the mind started to darken. Many images appeared. I remember this phase well. I kept trying to put effort into noticing the dullness, observing its characteristics. It was images, images turning into trance, lucid dreaming. Everything happened very quickly. I would regain consciousness again.

Around fifty minutes, my leg started to hurt. I began noticing the pain in my leg and the desire to change position, but I decided not to. Sometimes, I manage to stay still without moving, I thought. So, I stayed there enduring the pain, and it became bearable, as if it was burning, but it gradually subsided until it became light.
When fifty minutes passed, I had initially planned to meditate for one hour, but I thought: "Oh, today is Saturday, everyone is still sleeping, I should stay a bit longer." That’s when I noticed a strong reluctance, wanting to end the session. I kept observing this feeling because I had decided to continue. I noticed this reluctance until it went away. I managed to maintain the practice, continuing to observe, and then the pain in my leg started to intensify. I thought: "Well, if I’m going to stay longer, I’ll change position." Slowly, I began changing position, very gradually, which took about three minutes. After that, the pain disappeared, and I felt at ease.
Then I started to notice boredom and anxiety. I would notice these feelings disappearing. After that, I could only notice sounds, body sensations, thoughts, and comments, but everything felt neutral. I remembered to look at the simple and relax into the simple. The boredom vanished. It seemed like I wanted something to happen, but everything was neutral. I had experienced this before, so I knew what it was like. I thought: "Well, if I can't notice anything different, I’ll just stay here." And I stayed like that until completing an hour and a half.

DAY 2024-10-06

I meditated for an hour. Today, I went through a strong phase of dullness. I tried to straighten my spine and put effort into noting. Trances and lucid dreams would come. I would return to consciousness and continue noting. There was a strong discomfort in wanting to resolve the dullness. Then, I realized I wasn’t resolving it. I relaxed and let it be. I thought, "I have to experience it if it has to be this way. I’m managing to deal with it." Then, in the final phase, during the last 10 minutes, the dullness simply resolved itself and passed. I managed to stay present, only feeling the pain. I observed the pain in my leg and focused on it. I accepted it as well and let it be. Finally, the leg pain also passed and went numb. I remained there, present, just with simple things happening, without boredom. I couldn’t believe it, I started questioning, “Wow, it’s really over, nothing is happening.” I kept observing that.

DAY 2024-10-07

I meditated for an hour and ten minutes. Initially, I had difficulty calming my mind, with many thoughts and daydreams. Later, I managed to calm down a bit. I noticed the phase of dullness, which was quite strong, with lucid dreams and a trance-like state. During this phase, it took me a while to realize that I was experiencing a lot of confusion, but then I started to notice the confusion. I realized I was struggling to change the situation, fighting against the discomfort, but I was aware of it. I remembered feeling happy for being conscious. Then, I felt pain in my leg, so I decided to change its position to improve my posture and bring more energy. It worked and helped a lot. The strong dullness passed and became more shallow. I started to better accept the dullness, managing to notice small daydreams, bodily sensations, and thoughts. I became more present. With that, I decided to extend the meditation to one hour and ten minutes, to push myself a bit further. I feel that I need to increase the session time to make progress with the dullness. So, I decided to stay a bit longer.