4-20-23 Morning Session:

I am starting to understand more deeply what needs done to reach access concentration. I am encountering 3 main issues right now.

- Posture Fluctuation
- Timing Alignment of Bowel Movement with Practice Session
- Naming Hesitancy

Due to past karmic tendencies, my back is weak and I don't have a uniform, seated posture that is both comfortable and steady over time. Previously, I was utilizing a lying down position with neck elevated to open up my air pathways. This has since changed due to a variety of factors and now my posture goal is aligning with the general recommendation I have seen many a time before. I will mitigate this hindrance by foucsing on forming good karmic pathways relative to it during my work hours which should expedite the process.

Timing of restroom need is ... annoying, but if this repeats consistently as it has past two days then I can start waking up earlier to allow for both so they don't intermingle and I have to keep stopping.

Now, we come to what gave a lot of energy to my contemplative thought stream this morning. I haven't experienced the fluidity of it like this morning for awhile which is most likely due to my intellect not having much to go off of until I gain more direct experience with the flow of things. It feels like a sleeping dragon only awakening when there is something new to entangle with relative to my overall path. This flow has since tappered off and I'm more so back at my slow paced, logical analyization. However, now that I'm comparing them, I understand they are more or less one and the same but with different tones it feels like. The former feels more artistic and the later feels more systematic.

Regardless, the cause is known. The issue is with a Name. The evaluative process of the mind utilized in the binding to reach access concentration. I am struggling. I thought I was okay with opening myself up to the names utilized in Christianity once more, yet the resistance of the ego is still coming out. When opening myself up to the present moment and accepting the flow as it comes and goes I struggle to call it God. I have a deep instinctual feeling that it's all the same across all religions in an overarching pattern relative to the journey to the end. This made me shift to Taoism and consider utilizing their concepts of just following the way and utilizing wu-wei with the flow. However, that in turn, brings forth past comparison of my karmic tendencies and I will, more than likely, become disastisfied (I see you Buddha) at a certain point and attempt to pivot once more to another framework.

Now, to contemplate upon a resolution with all of the above being known. The idea of a boundless form resonates with this being. With the formless body being set, a name needs to be applied to it for the evaluative process. Evaluation takes place regardless to discern if i am entangling my being or not so, why a name? To build trust with the relationship being formed? To provide a concept/idea the mind can accept more easily and entangle further with once its bound? I know not, but still believe a name must be tied to it.

What then can the formless be called? I thought my resentment was wiped clean with Christianity yet some still came to the fore when connecting the Name of God to the formless. Do I pull from other religious frameworks? Do I pull from Science with their concepts? If I flip the angle of the problem and face from the end, the end result is Nibbana, God, Tao, etc. are all similar in the fact they can't be tied down by human language. So, with that being known, do I just name it Unknown/Unknowable? Create a paradoxal relationship between the formless form and its nameless name so that they might intertwine in a more synergistic fashion relative to what this ego would accept?

Another angle I was considering this morning was that of Love. My instructions for practice are "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." When, in the past, I questioned what love is, I found several bible verses that helped bring an answer to that inquiry.

"Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love." 
"And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whomever loves has been born of God and knows God."

These, in addition to some more and cross-concpetual exmaining between practices brings forth a resonance in things. However, while love is the universal language and can form the highway for all things to flow on, the issue still remains. To get use to that bonding process, that relationship being formed, then there must be a Name and a Form to start with. Then, once bound and have access concentration, one can either go out amongst the many or go deeper within the one.

I don't have an answer now. I am going to take the rest of this contemplative session to my OneNote I usually work within. If anyone reads this and know of something that might help get me past this road block, I welcome your input.

4-20-23 Evening Session and 4-21-23 Morning Session:

I pivoted back to the breath as my mind's anchor point. The formless form feels much more difficult to do in comparison to having an easily identifable thing I can confidently state is X within the sensory input. However, there may come a time where I switch back and forth between them to gain more data sampling for cross-examination and investigate further. I don't see myself straying outside of these 2 though. Breath has held its top spot over all others that have sought to replace it over the years. I find it so practical. The Christianity angle with Buddhism angle is helping me see the mean between the two relative to what should be done during practice. It's making it easier for this ego to withdraw more from the unskillfull and allow the Mind and Body to form its natural relationship. Now it'll just be about repitition to form those karmic pathways around posture and then around my chosen binding point until I can master getting to Access Concentration. From there, based on past precedent of my intellect, things will more than likely fluctuate quite a bit.

4-21-23 to Now:

I've stopped working on the development of access concentration around the Breath and have shifted fully to mastering my posture. I'm seeing why Raja Yoga places so much emphasis on it by having it be its own limb amongst the 8. If posture is mastered then one need not have to worry about coming out of developing concentration around your chosen binding point and utilizing energy to change the body until harmony and balance is established once more. If you have faith in your body's posture maintaining itself into the infinite then you can ease that mind's worries and allow it to focus on developing karma around something that isn't the body instead. The Buddha does state to calm bodily fabrication in his instructions so maybe it's just a matter of order of operations in the overall process and what suites the ego at that point in space-time. Regardless, I seek posture mastery. I have full confidence this won't take long to fine tune the overall structure that fits this body of mine due to past karma around associated development of postures in other areas. However, regardless of the outline, the space still needs filled over time to allow the body to paint itself to the mind's dream where the muscles come into being to support the structure the builder wants. I can control only up to a certain point. Eventually, I must step aside and let the process of karma take its own course. Plant the seeds and then let nature go through its process until the crops come into fruition. I must remember the unconjecturable around karma. 

Things are coming along. I've refined my posture in terms of general boundaries to monitor to ensure it stays within those bounds and feel that is pretty much done. I've recently noticed I sometimes don't adapt my posture to balance with the breath process, which leads to counteracting forces that causes unpleasant sensations. This has lead me to including this with posture practice. It feels like a merging of the 3rd and 4th limbs of Raja Yoga. Once I can get these karmic pathways formed where I can trust they will operate on their own in the manner intended, then I can start working more on the mental aspect of things.

I had one of my fluctuations again with what binding point I desired to utilize in my practice. I was stuck between Loving God with no set Form (Void like Earth was in Genesis) and the Breath. However, after a contemplative session, I discerned there is no way to be Void in this regard that is shamatha practice. I think previously I was projecting my love upon an idea, but that idea is in itself a form and limits God to what only my mind can comprehend at that point in space-time. When I had that insight, I realized the only way to love God in a formless "form" is to rest within your natural experience and that is vipassana practice.

I also had a fluctuation in regards to what conceptual framework I use for processing my experience relative to the binding point I choose. I see cross similarities to the three treasures in taoisim, poisons to withdraw from in buddhism, observances in raja yoga of hinduism, and the greatest commandment in christianity. To me, it feels like they operate in a similar fashion to restrict and cover the totality of your ego's fluctuations upon reality at a base level. They have different conceptual tones in the angle at which they approach handling the ego. After going through all this, it re-affirmed my decision to utilize Christianity's framework as it just feels right. There were times after practicing posture for awhile, I did go inwards for a bit and practiced utilizing this framework around the breath. It felt instinctual on which aspect to use to counter the force of the ego whenever a fluctuation occured. I also noticed I really need to work on the second greatest commandment (loving the neighbor as you love yourself). I have a karmic tendency to react in an unwholesome manner to interuptions. I see how this is a pattern in an overall sense in my life. The main way I've been handling this anger and such was through reasoning and seeing the other's point of view, suppression of negative intentions, trying to find the positive in things, etc. However, even with that being the case, it still feels like I've been straddling the line of wholesome action. This processing and handling of any "neighbor" that comes into the neighborhood of consciousness feels and logically points to making that line clearer and easier to tread through the general karmic pathway formation.

I am implementing playing basketball with my practice in a manner similar to Tai Chi, but that is still being worked out in how that will operate and fit in with everything. Essentially, the practice revolves around shooting the basketball which is the move "set". I have that set split into 3 parts of standing, going, and returning. I don't believe this can be a shamatha type practice since I can only have a very general posture pattern with the going and returning segments since even with the most micro like change in trajectory from the point of rest in the standing stance can add up over its path towards the target leading to a larger change which means a different pattern for the returning segment. I briefly considered creating a virtual world to cover things like slope of ground, spin of ball, etc. but then that just becomes the builder expanding and expanding the formation until everything can be covered and leads to a rabbit hole so I reminded myself once more of the unconjecturable stated by the Buddha. Since Jhana 1 leads to not processing external variables based on what I know of it from research then that means I wouldn't be able to adjust to the ball's new trajectory if I enter that state. Tai Chi is just with the body though so I am interested in possibly incorporating that on my path as well to experience Jhana while the body is up and moving in a loop like pattern.

I believe the above covers pretty much all the main areas in terms of where I am at on my path currently.

My sitting posture is pretty well established at this point. I just have a couple instances now where upper body starts leaning in a direction which causes friction with the breath flow, but have implemented additional general boundaries to mitigate this. In regards to my previous post over controlling the body's motion from the breathing process, I have realized it is not necessary to refine that as the body will naturally adjust with wholesome concentration practice, which the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali reinforces this point with the Breath Control limb that I briefly forgot about.

I've been able to focus less on my posture now and have had several sessions where I spend 30-60 minutes refining my experience around my chosen anchor point. I am starting to conceptually see how things will play out based on this experience. It's almost like a singularity coming into being that the aspects that make up the totality of my experience must conform to and make way for. This train of thought leads to a connection with the 3 treasures of Taoism, especially so with the third one. While I may be wrong, I'll find out in time, I am guessing Access Concentration takes place when everything is "behind" your anchor point (or revolving around your chosen "star", etc.). It's almost like boundaries, that you accept, form around the ego to allow this creation come into being. Regardless, the conceputal connections will become more defined the more direct experience I get with the practice so we shall see.

As of now, in regards to other areas of cultivation, I am pretty set on working towards the concentration that leads to "knowledge and vision" as stated in the Samadhi Sutta. I see a connection with this and the first day in Genesis of the Holy Bible. Logically, the Buddha could have inputted any other base consciousness with the associated base data (i.e. body and tactile sensations) and yet he specifically mentions to perceive Light/daytime instead. It almost feels like a stepping stone to the concentration that leads to mindfulness and alertness where you aren't selective at all in what you percieve and just perceive your natural experience. With these two, you get use to a singular form and get use to no set form within a singular consciousness.

I am going to work on these in tandem, rather than waiting on hitting certain "checkpoints" with one before moving to the next. The way to process is the same, it's just the form and consciousness that changes. I will be doing the cultivation around Light with Basketball as I've realized I don't like the idea of a set bodily posture pattern and would rather just observe things come naturally and so this would allow for that.

Now it's just be about "the grind" with putting the time in to cultivate and gain experience with processing things relative to the end I seek.

I've withdrawn from the belief in a connection between the second development of concentration listed in the Samadhi Sutta and the first day of genisis in the Holy Bible. The Light referenced in the later text may be connected to Knowledge and then the darkness is Ignorance. Not sure and will be putting cross-comparitive conceptualization on hold until a later date.

I was planning on leaving the third development of concentration until my practice was pretty well grounded within the first two but I felt resistance to this idea recently and so have decided to implement it with my training moving forward. I'm connecting activities I have large cravings for with the developments of concentration. 

Breathing will be connected to the first development.
Basketball and Sky Gazing will be connected to the second development.
Swimming, Breathing and playing a video game will be connected to the third development.

I had a session with Basketball and it was pretty fun honestly. Very different. It will take time to moderate the manipulation of my experience and focus on only perceiving light, but that's a given. I see the second greatest commandment taking a large role here. It's like observing all the neighbors (visual forms) come and go through the neighborhood (Eye Consciousness) while I ensure I treat them equally with the two commandments and focus on their common data point in terms of Light. I have found it is easier if I do this practice without my glasses on. It provides a uniform space relative to "sharpness" of the image and ensures I don't focus more on areas within my sight that my glasses cover in comparison to the areas that it does not.

Swimming in my case is not lap swimming and what I'm just naming it vertical swimming. My body's location on the horizontal plane is generally isolated to one place whereas the location on the vertical plane fluctuates. I'm not sure if this and the video game will stand the test of time during my practice but I am curious and so will test it out.

For the first development with Breath: A part of me is getting a little frustrated with having posture fluctuations where it interupts my focus on my object and have to divert energy away to keep correcting it. Intellectually, I understand it will take time, but still.. the feeling remains. This led me to trying out the lying down posture again to see how it is with my new understanding and processing of things. Sloth/Torpor didn't seem to increase as it did in the past. Regardless, I will still be cultivating a sitting posture, but will also use this posture at times. I'll be utilizing the sitting posture in the mornings to counter the sleepiness right after waking up and then the lying down posture will be used after work to help increase restfulness.

 Today's sessions around the development of the first type of concentration and then second type has shifted something within my understanding of things. It almost feels like the wisdom is deeper? I understand I have a habitual tendency to surf across the waters of concepts to investigate potential commonalities. It is a strong craving of mine. That and the builder wanting to theory craft potential forms and what perfection might be in said forms. The ever shifting of karmic formations until the ideal is deemed satisfactory. Yet, I understand disatsfactoriness is bound to follow even if I believe, temporarily, the ideal is met, per Buddha via the 3 Characteristics. I also keep reminding myself of the unconjecturables and ensure I don't fall to far down that rabbit hole as it feels like I have at points in the past...

With this deeper realization, I sense the subject I've been investigating recently will play a LARGE role in my practice, which is the 4 foundations of power. Previously, there was a karmic tendency of the do-er to step in and make adjustments in an unwholesome manner to get back to the baseline of flow I seek. Intention will help mitigate that deviation so I plant the seed correctly and then step back and observe it come to fruition, stepping in only when the destination has been changed from what was pre-determined and handling said deviation in a wholesome manner following the tools your spiritual vehicle recommends to utilize at said point in time. 

As to other specifics of my overall practice. I previously mentioned utilizing the activity of playing a video game with the 3rd development of concentration with a connected doubt. I have withdrawn from that being a potential activity in my practice. Swimming is still a possibility after a small test today. However, due to safety concerns, breath has to be at the forefront where all other forms must revolve around it to provide support. I haven't done much with the 3rd development so this may be a factor in which voids this activity for that type of cultivation unless I choose to through caution to the wind. For now, I'll continue on with tests.

I sense now that Basketball will play a large role in my path in this life. It helps connect with a past builder that was obsessed with perfection of the fundamentals, creates positive resonance further cementing my flow forward on my path, practical in terms of increasing my general bodily health, and helps bring peace to the memories of dreams falling short. I've also recently dabbled a little more with Tai Chi and loved it. I sense a compatibility with the general activity and the first 3 types of concentration as well as it being a "sibling" activity to help fill in the "space" more of the general karmic formations that both share. I am currently contemplating if I desire to pursue 1st development within the activity of playing basketball and how restrictive of a boundary I should place on my posture in the second development. Until posture is established up to the point of the ball always returning, after shooting, minus external circumstances such as weather or a muscle cramp etc., then my mind's binding point would logically have to be either earth kasina (basketball) or empty space kasina (between net/rim). After posture is established relative to the previous ideal then mind's binding point possibilities expand out into the infinite. Going back to the two primary contenders of binding points until the ideal is reached, there is a confliction. The posture has two segments to it. Going and Returning. When I breath in, I extend towards the empty space of the hoop to shoot. When I breathe out, I return back to the earth with the ball lowering myself as I will. Focusing on the ball would render the hoop less important in the activity during the going segment. Focusing on the hoop would make returning with the ball in hand less important during its associated segment of the posture set. It seems that conflict will remain until the previously mentioned posture goal is met. I will be practicing more to see realistically how long that goal might take me to reach based on the components that would need to be involved.

As to the potential boundary during the second development with the activity of playing basketball.. I don't really have much to expand on this subject right now. I think I had a concern with the activity would be rendered void if I let forms come and go as long as the primary objective is met, which is to perceive light. If the forms end up not flowing in accordance with the desired activity then is there any point of starting out doing said activity in the first place? As mentioned before, I have a craving to take the activity of basketball with me on my journey and so I will need to find how to incorporate it in one of the 3 types of concentrative development that is practical.
 

The path forward is becoming clearer. Ideas are starting to flow more freely once more so that, to me, gives an indication I'm on the right track. I found I had a tendency to cling to one consciousness to observe the changes from my selective theme has upon my being. That restrictive action was grinding the flow of changes to a halt in a manner. I also have noticed I have been changing the permutation of my conceptual framework that covers the totality of my possible experience (Mindfulness, Greatest Commandment, etc.), which is a no go per the Iddhipada-vibhanga Sutta. With that realization, my framework is now settling in place for my practice that I have chosen to take with. I'm seeing how simple the process of what is to be done is yet how difficult it can be in embodying that process dependent on a being's karma at that point in time. I definetly have a lot to work through, but am glad I have way established in which I believe I can finally settle upon to do this work in a consistent fashion.

Hey Seek Truth,
I find your intro into this post quite weird.



I may not have your breadth of knowlodge. But I do have a broad understanding of the Buddhism practice traditions. While there's no problem with Christianity as a path, more of the language used to talk about and describe meditation is if not more Buddhist centric, is definately more pragmatic & rational. Simiply put, speak simiply if you want help or advice about your practice. Considering your aserted knowledge base that, might be a new area to work on.

Sorry, not sure about the rest of your posts and I'm not really drawn to reading them all based off the intro. I will look at your last post though. I have experienced understanding the Map of Insight, Map of Jhana and the Awareness Jhanas. That's my primary interest. I'm not a quoter, I'm more of a doer. I understand the path as far as Equanimity and the Awareness Jhanas up to NPnNP, as describe in TWIM. I have struggled throgh years of insight retreat and no longer practice a Dry Insight style. So I could give advice or help if it was associated with those kind of progressive practices. Is that why you're here to develop the progress of insight?

A big part of doing a retreat in Vipassana at Lumbini Gar for 12 or 14 week was learning to report. I have put a post up about my practice in TWIM, it's not vipassana but it more like how you should report about your practice. Consider doing a 10 day some where and learning the way to talk about your practice properly. Your last post was, not useful in terms of understanding a person practice. Lastly Reflect upon the ways Ingram talks about and describes practices and other post. Ingram does have meta language that build upon traditional meta practice language, try to learn about how traditional practice describes experiences rather than tell of attainments. 

E.g I saw god Andy I realized I was awakened after reading the Patanjali suttas, is a fine statement but offers no insight into what that even means from a practice phenomenon point of view. It's your log, do as you wish, but it you're interested in learning about the insight path then have a look at how others are logging cause though they are doing it in a journal style, they are also talking about insight practice in ways people in the insight tradition can understand.

​​​​​​​Best of luck. 

Hi Neem Nyima

I've always struggled throughout my life communicating with others. I appreciate your feedback on how to clarify myself to others in a manner that might be easier to get help or advice about my practice. However, that being said, I am not seeking, at this point in time, to bind the language used and the way in which it is structured in my posts. I am more than willing to meet someone in the middle through conversation to help clarify things, but for the original posts I am wanting to keep them in the manner I so choose at the time of posting.

As to why I am here? If you are referring to here as in this log of mine on this website, then the reason is of multiple parts. I find logging to be helpful for getting my thoughts in order, reviewing, creating a historical footprint of said thoughts to cross-compare at a later point in time to see how things may have or may not have changed, putting myself out there in a "public" environment whereas normally I keep to myself majority of the time, maybe something of this log might help another being, maybe another will help me, etc.

I get the feeling this statement might help clarify some things as to where I am at in my practice: I still consider myself a beginner. I haven't done much on the path of insight as that hasn't been my focus yet. 

If you have any other questions in terms of gaining clarification over what has been said before, please let me know.

Also, I made the assumption I could post as I wanted to on this site via my log. If there is a structure I should be following and it is frowned upon doing as I have been, please let me know. If that turns out to be the case, I doubt I'll continue posting and will probably pack my bags and just log on my own via OneNote. Totally understand and no hard feelings though if that's the truth

Hi !

I really like the quote you gave :


There is no structure you are "supposed to follow" for your log, you can do as you please with it (as long as you follow that first commandment ;) just joking of course). 

Giving "phenomenological reports" can be helpful sometimes if one wants advice with specific aspects of one's practice from specific people, but at the end of the day it's not always helpful, from my perspective, to ask advice from others, perhaps particularly on an online forum. My own 2 cents would be, if your practice meaningful to you and you have a sense you know what you are doing, that might be enough... 

Anyways !

Best,

Olivier

Hey Olivier

I appreciate your words and clarification. Yeah, my practice has meaning to me and I am pretty confident now on what is to be done and how to go about doing so. 

If I do encounter an obstacle on my path that I find myself being unable to overcome, then I will shift to reporting in another manner, dependent on the audience, to gain assistance. I'll probably do that on another post though (outside this log), not sure.

Good plan !

As an aside: I've been reading Zvi Ish-Shalom's Path of Primordial light, and in it he describes the very cool, classic Hebrew prayer of "Shema". It is from Deuteronomy, 6-4. Funnily enough, the verse that comes right after is the same as that Matthew quote you mentioned. It is this :



Zvi Is-Shalom's interpretation of the 6.4 verse is a bit different and more interesting than this rendition, though. Here is him explaining and singing it, interesting way of chanting:

​​​​​​​https://soundcloud.com/zvi-ish-shalom/shma-meditation

Cheers !

O

Thanks Olivier, I have added that book to my ongoing list of resources to peruse at a later point

I've been focusing on the body lately more so than the mind to try and reach my idea of a perfected posture. As I often do, I feel I took that to far into an extreme. Since this realization, I have started moderating that aspect of my practice. This morning after getting my posture set up and then focusing on adhering to the guidance provided in the 3rd limb of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, I was able to settle into it and start focusing more on the mental aspects of things. During that, it felt like many different parts of my being were slowly coming together? Not sure, it is hard to describe. I do know I have a tendency to project and push towards a certain feeling at times after I experience it to try and reinforce and repeat it. The bases of power in Buddhism is helping me moderate that karmic tendency. 

I can't recall any other large updates in my practice. I am excited though for what the future entails after this shift in understanding with the body aspect of my practice and being able to focus more on the mental side without worrying about the body as much like in the past. There have been many times in my worldly life where it feels like i've had to hold so many sensations in like a tight ball or continuously re-direct my mind to something else otherwise I'll break down. I feel relief growing within in relation to my treading on this spiritual path so I can handle all I contain at times in a more appropriate and healthy manner.

There has been a lot of fluctuations lately in my practice in regards to the permutation used. Lots of doubt, indecision, back and forth. I had a hope to utilize a permutation from the Chrisitan tradition for a variety of reasons, but too many questions and uncertainty arise when attempting to utilize that method. A lot of that was revolved around the concept of Soul and how one is supposed to love with it; what do you have volitional control over in regards to your conscious experience that would be considered to be an aspect of the soul? I'm curious if it's treated similar to how Consciousness is in Buddhism minus the permenant/impermenant differentation. Regardless, it is not clear and so has been dropped. I did a lot of cross-comparison between Raja Yoga and the Noble Eightfold Path along with relevant suttas for meditation (i.e. Anapanasati Sutta). There are parts within each that resonate with me, but I have settled on the buddhist permutation due to similar reasons as before, with this one being more clear in how to practice.

I have also since stopped practicing with a variety of postures and foci/binding points. I am settling upon one posture, foci, and permutation until I gain concrete information on how to go about things to get where I aim to get. Once that confidence settles in, based on historical trends in my behavior, I am bound to fluctuate once more and spread out to other postures/foci/etc. to experiement. However, maybe that trend will be superseded by the knowledge gained from direct experience; time will tell. 

I feel my mind starting to steady after settling upon one mode/theme/posture. It feels like all those times in the past where I procrastinate and then eventually settle in with laser focus. I also sense conflicting emotions after settling with my chosen path forward. One is sadness and the other is relief. Sadness due to the hope of there being something more to what is to be done. Yet, I have relief because I feel I can finally start to practice in earnest and build up the karma around One rather than flopping back and forth, creating discordant waves. I know deep down this has to be done less I continue to increase my suffering, following along the unwholesome karmic pathways my past has cultivated. I sense it in my body and how I treat it with everyday actions. I sense it in my mind and how I strain it so to focus on what I wish to focus on to the point it is more clinging rather than Right Concentration. I sense it in my indecision affecting choices in so many things. I sense it in the emotional fluctuations I get out of nowhere where at some points I feel like crying and I don't understand why. I sense it in the gradual increase of disatisfaction with past cravings leaving little for my current ego to grasp for to find temporary release. To say the least, it is time. 

I am uncertain on how often I will log until the next "checkpoint". It's more about repitition now with my chosen path until I can confidently say I have "mastered" getting to X (insert checkpoint on spiritual map here) using this mode/theme/etc. I usually only log when I have a craving to do so and that seems to only happen after large shifts. I don't foresee a large shift happening for a while, but who knows

My practice is coming along. I've been using the same mode, posture, direction for thought/binding point, breath pattern, etc. and things are becoming more and more clear. I am gaining more confidence in that this way works, makes sense, and little doubt has arisen in regards to this process utilized. Its been intriguing watching how the conceptual and actual refine one another. I put in place a framework to follow, test it and gain experience, refine the framework based on new understanding, repeat. Basically like the scientific method; a loop that continuously refines itself until there is nothing else left to refine.

I have yet to reach what others consider access concentration, but feel as though I am getting closer. My progress seems to have increased directly after clearing up a misconception of what Right Mindfulness is and how to embody that. Then in turn, pairing that with Right Concentration and seeing how those two buoy and support one another with the former always in front of the later. 

My original intention was to hold off on posting here again until I can consistently reach Access Concentration. However, I understand now that will come when it comes (even if it is another year or more) as long as I continue putting in Right Effort. Not really sure what all to put in this update. I've been consistently meditating daily, but not sure on when exactly i transitioned from on/off to daily. Been a couple of months of this at least. I'm primarily developing my concentration to pleasantly abide in the here and now, but have also been practicing some with the intention to develop my concentration to attain knowledge and vision (https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an04/an04.041.than.html). It's been interesting cross-comparing the two experiences. I'm saving the insight path, the third listed one in link above, until I'm more experienced.

Lots of misconceptions have been cleared up throughout my journey so far. I still have instances here and there where the desire arises to entangle further with another conceptual framework (i.e. Chrisitanity, Raja Yoga, etc.). The desire can come on pretty strong sometimes whenever I have some insight in my practice which then transitions into connecting that to another framework I have knowledge on and how it might further relate to other things. My aim is to maintain following the teachings in Theravada Buddhism until Stream Entry and then after that I can re-evaluate. It has been good experience to continue to re-affirm my path forward (Theravada Buddhism). Feels like I am gaining more and more confidence with every hindrance overcome.

What else, what else.. hmmm.. I also cultivate while high often (marijuana is legal here). I meditate sober, during the transition phase into the high, and while high. I find it interesting cross-comparing the experiences. I'm also aware I have a strong craving for it. I have a very addictive personality. When I crave something, I CRAVE it. I am disatisifed with lots of things nowadays, but those I do find a craving for, I often "consume" until it's no longer satisfactory. Example, when i really vibe with a song, I just put it on repeat for hours. Anyways, yeah it's something I'm aware of and which the spiritual path is help bringing balance to.

It feels like i am becoming more and more grounded. More united. Centered. Was spread very thin before and am balancing that through Right Mindfulness. Purifying the karma relative to chosen direction of thought. 

A part of me is afraid of myself. This process is definitely helping part the seas of that fear. One step at a time. Eventually the destination will be reached. Tis only an eventuality.

I am excited to go between the first and second listed paths in the Samadhi sutta. Especially so with also implementing restricted space kasina in my cultivation. Investigating afterwards the differences between one and many visual forms in the eye consciousness. Then eventually flowing with the stream of what is natural. 

I find it very practical too in terms of helping out in the wordly sense. The moving posture that calms and calms until it's a singular moving posture. This exercise will help with physical health. Also, my memory is very poor. This kasina practice, too me, feels like memory development until you have a learning sign within mind consciousness and can flow between all 6 more easily. This initial development feels like it will help with my memory processing though I could be wrong. Eventually less doubt over what I deem is relative will come to be. A part of me thinks mayhaps I am subconsciously suppressing memories in a way due to ... well, due to many reasons I guess now that I contemplate further. This will help clear up as will the other paths of concentration development.

​​​​​​​p.s. - these thoughts...  so sporatic

Many conflicting emotions with the spiritual path ahead. Excitement, joy, love and such for traversing it. Fear and anxiety and such for traversing it as well. 

A know a large part of it is to find peace and love for this collection of things i sometimes note as self and sometimes not-self. There are parts of myself i am scared of. Hate. Am greedy for even though i know it only brings more suffering.

A part has the theory of poor memory due to willful ignorance to resist the knowledge of what is. To delight in escapism. 

Another has the theory my memory will start to rapidly improve as i proceed. Especially now so that i have become more and more tied to sticking with a singular process in handling of this ... experience. So much misconception. So much change. Now it feels i finally have a static variable that will persist across all intentional experiences regardless of path i choose to develop right concentration. That in turn feels like filling a singular balloon of relativity for memory to revolve around. Whereas before I have moments with ever-changing variables so each balloon only fills a bit before moving onto the next one. Idk, thoughts...

The static intention: Immersing Mindfulness in the bodily frame of reference first. Always start there. 

Regardless of theories, what comes will come as I navigate following the dharma. Still though, so much doubt and hesitation remains

Test

FYI this is from yesterday evening. Been having issues copying/pasting things into here. Hopefully this works

1hr 9 min  seated breath 15mg sativa

Recent insight has made the path simple and direct. This session had many "grand" ideas interconnecting trying to come to the fore as i kept trying to ping back to my chosen binding point/Direction for thought (sign). I'm finally start to train my mind to not chase after idea interconnections. Took a bit haha

I believe it is time to start ramping my practice up. The new ideal is before and after work practice. 2nd listed dev option of right concentration throughout day and night when not pursuing 1st listed dev option of right concentration. Bases of power bruh ha

Some thoughts that arose felt deeper than others. Self admission of fears for example. I fear my self or formations and forms of this not self and what have you... i fear my wrath that i combat with conceptualized path of good. I fear this lust. I fear my potential bodily sensation future relative to my dad and his current state. Him being one of the most complicated bodily health cases per Mayo Clinic... i fear the occasional desire for madness.. i fear this inflated ego

But then i learn to let it go. What comes, comes. What goes, goes. What persists, persists.


Thank you, Buddha. I so appreciate you. For guiding me to tread the way. It's so simple, i love it. Truly if a simpleton cannot follow the path, then the path is invalid. Makes me think of the mentally unstable. I feel a resonance at times. How one might help guide them back to the way. Yet i also have attached fear with trying to guide.

I think... that's about it

Until next time

1hr 27min, shooting posture with in/out breathing as sign, 15mg sativa

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The recent insight that feels as tho it has deepened my practice has made things more clear when developing right concentration with a general moving posture. I am learning to calm my chasing of certain bodily formations over others and just focus on immersing mindfulness in the body. This was further emphasized when i intend right mindfulness after the shot when going to retrieve. The entire process is the posture and mindfulness should always remain at fore regardless of chosen place in space. I feel like im dipping my toes at times into AC, but then i cant overcome a certain hindrance and back into chasing my tail i go... it gets trippy when i do, just watching as body goes from bodily posture to bodily posture while staying entangled with ball, hoop, and intention to shoot overall while remaining in a general area in space... all in the background while im just focusing on right mindfulness and such. I feel a flow during those times where it feels like anything is possible, from one moment into the next just maintaining mindfulness at the fore while the ship maintains its intended course

2 back to back 17min sessions, seated in/out breathing, 15mg sativa
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too much deviation while having meditation tunes on repeat in earbuds, turned off for silence and made it easier, quieter
Really need to hone in on base intention to focus on body in and of itself, then further build upon intention from there

43 min, seated in/out breathing, sober

Some hot body flashes, tears, start of yawns but am getting better at catching that warning sign in time to let breath be and need to yawn goes away

Some stormy waters in mind in beginning, but was able to continue to turn my wheel to maintain a general heading for most part

My interpretation of "Focusing on body in and of itself" has been throwing things off i believe. Rather than a clear path to follow, it's rather hazy. Believe this is due to the many paths one can take to focus on the body in and of itself (those listed within bodily frame of reference in right mindfulness). Need to start having in/out breathing more in my intention in beginning and feel things will become clear and easier.

50 min, 30 on seated posture, 20 on laying down posture, in/out breathing as sign, 20mg hybrid

Seas got way stormier in reference to prior sober session. I was still able to catch most hindrances early on and steer back.

Body feels restless so moving to moving posture for upcoming session

I agree!

I have noticed a couple causes on the mental side from my experience. An intense craving to move my body in a certain pattern or chasing a bodily sensation to continue that temporary satisfaction as long as possible or just strong aversion to let the posture be with a desire to go to anything else. I just had a brief seated session, i paid more attention to that aversion to watch it slowly dissipate to where i can sit there a little bit longer til the next wave of aversion came

Yesterday felt very impactful. Lots of misconceptions were cleared up. Did some brief sessions throughout the day so here are some snippets of those logs:


24 min along with a couple other brief 10-15 min sessions this morning, seated for posture, in/out breathing for sign, sober
Base Intention is becoming clearer and clearer to follow as well as easier. Body started to tingle with energy it felt like at times as i settle in same position over a period of time. 


15 min, it's almost like my mind starts to speed up the more i do this. I do have a habit of clinging hard to certain things so mayhaps learning to uncling is giving room for other things to flow and so my perception of mental speed increases. A close example is getting stuck with the intention. At times, i will cling to the concept of the intention itself and never allow myself to go on the journey. 


20 min, im learning to be basic with this action, be mindful of in/out breathing
I find it in the body then just try and stay present with its story, but dont get hung up on concept of story, just stay mindful 


12min, i am placing my attention on the front of the chest and being mindful of its fluctuation and that helped deepen real quick compared to others, felt more peaceful coming out
However, that is moving away from a base teaching i assumed for my practice. However, that is only in in/out breathing sutta. Base instruction can be found in right mindfulness with focusing on body in and of itself. Where specifically one attempts to be mindful of in the body, AT FIRST (new thought entry from today upon reviewing these thoughts of yesterday), would be relative to direction where it's most easily perceived in the body like kasina is usually eyes. 
Upon further review of these thoughts, a doubt has arisen in reference to previous sentence. I was thinking on this on my drive to work. While I could have multiple "entry points" to immerse mindfulness in the body and those be determined based on x/y/z, it might be easier to "wage war" on only one front rather than spread myself thin. So, with that being the case, choose one area of body, like Heart/front of chest, to immerse mindfulness there and once done I can start to expand until the entire bodily frame is captured.


28 min moving posture, 15mg sativa, in out breathing for sign
Learning to loosen my "control" over what is perceived, just gently try to guide in background my desire, discrimination, intention, and persistence


A brief contemplation session: I.. see more clearly the path ahead.. the karmic gardening into purity to see the entire Truth. Sometimes, I get frustrated by my learning speed. I know i can be dense sometimes, oh so dense. Then there are these glimmers of bright clarity. Like now. I feel the ripples of this new truth connecting and changing other truths. 

So much misconception have I had to work through. Yet.. it makes sense based on what was done before in early steps on this spiritual path.. the messing around with concepts. Karma 101.

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Today's thoughts: I had to re-affirm my path again yesterday due to this deepening of my understanding touching upon the teachings in the Holy Bible. The greatest commandment became a lot more clear. However, I know I wouldn't be at the point I am now in my understanding without the Dharma and Buddha. This helps re-affirm fairly quickly whenever the temptation to "switch" comes about. Previously, I didn't really have a "locked" in location on this body to immerse mindfulness. I just had a vague concept of the body where I tried to find the breath and once found, attempt to follow its natural flow. I'm finding it easier to stay "locked" in a specific area in the bodily frame to immerse mindfulness. I can expand afterwards.

50 min, seated posture, in/out breathing for sign, front of chest for bodily frame of reference mindfulness immersion starting point, sober

Beginning was very hard, lots of things to set aside as i try to develop my concentration in my chosen direction. It was more on the feelings side as I am feeling very down today. I found myself trying to "grip" hard on the mental side to try and stop or something while i attended to chosen immersion point. Learned to release that grip somewhat which in turn made me turn more away from immersion point but not fully. Towards the end of session i learned to keep persisting around my immersion point while at same time being less micro managing with thoughts as long as they continue in chosen direction. Felt like i was making actual progress

Some tears again during the session 

I have also chosen to have eyes be immersion point for the second listed path to develop concentration. Makes logical sense to me to start there since it deals with attending to the perception of light.

38 min, seated posture, in/out breathing for sign, front of chest for bodily frame of reference mindfulness immersion starting point, sober

Was able to take lessons learned from last session and apply it pretty easily to this session. Experience felt more.. unifying in a way. Coming together. Mind and body. Feels like learning to love myself again. To let this body be in reference to it breathing. Breath flow felt way more smooth this time around. The sensations felt more pronounced in a way. More tears again, probably from relief of letting go more idk. 

22min, attending to perception of light, eyes for bodily frame of reference mindfulness immersion point, 7.5mg sativa

I keep having this thought that arises when i practice, or contemplate on potential future results of said practice, that my eye sight will fix itself in regards to poor distant vision as long as i maintain heading in the direction of this path of right concentration development. I understand this can be a potential Delusional dream, yet it continues popping up and then i keep moving back to the path

I can see how my vision gets blurred the more i fabricate. The disruption in the water that sends out the ripples so the deep is always in the dark. And i keep finding potential connections to genesis chapter of holy bible (like how i just previously connected fabrications to the spirit of gods motion and darkness to ignorance, and deep to Truth).... then i sigh, and come back to treading the noble eightfold path

There are infinite conceptual connections out there. Need to stop chasing from one to the other otherwise i just keep using up this energy

Feels a little trippy immersing mindfulness at this point in body where i stop trying to control eyes placement/motion and letting them move freely without hindrance (or try to at least)

22 min, seated posture, in/out breathing for sign, front of chest for bodily frame of reference mindfulness immersion starting point, sober 

This morning's practice was difficult. I currently have the flu or a cold. I can really feel the burning sensation in my throat and is uncomfortable at times. However, it feels like i have been handling sickness better than in times in the past and id like to associate the cause of that effect to following the path. 

It's taking time to retrain my mind to start at my starting point on bodily side of things with this sign. Which is understandable and I know the fruit will come as long as i continue sowing the seeds. 

The whole balancing of mental with bodily is really taking all aspects of concentration development to a whole new level it feels like. 
Another 18 min session and only change is 10mg sativa. 

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1hr 37min, attending to perception of light, eyes are starting immersion point for mindfulness in bodily frame of reference, did this with activity of shooting a basketball around

Eventually ill hopefully get to the point of doing this practice 24/7, but for now ive been doing in dedicated time slots. Lots of weeding out of unwholesome karma within this eye consciousness (makes sense based on my past). There are still the very brief instances of clarity but then back into the tangled weeds i go. Whenever a bug lands on me i make sure to be mindful of that life as i attend to the perception of light. Same with when my ball goes into the grass, every step and grab i try to do with care. 

I put on 4 songs in a loop i recently came across that make me want to chase after their paticular sound forms. I was able to maintain my intended direction for the most part and wasnt hindered much by the sounds.
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Tomorrow I am going to try and focus on attending to the perception of light from beginning to end of my worldly job. 

27 min, seated posture, in/out breathing for sign, front of chest for starting mindfulness immersion point in bodily frame of reference, 10mg sativa

Very, very tired. Lots of the sloth and drowsiness hindrance. Was bordering on edges of sleep state at times, may have even dipped into it then body falling sensation jerked me out of it.

I can feel the similarities between the 1st and 2nd listed paths to develop right concentration. Immersing Mindfulness in the bodily frame being that connection. Feels similar in practice.


Probably going to be last session of the day unless tiredness feelings dissipate some.

40 min, seated posture, in/out breathing for sign, 10mg sativa taken at beginning of session

I had a thought arise yesterday that inserted a wedge of doubt in my intellectual understanding of the framework I use. That then cascaded into various relative thoughts coming and going, driving the wedge deeper through potential misconception. I returned to the base of what I know with certainty what cultivation starts with regardless of path chosen to develop right concentration. That being immersing mindfulness in the bodily frame of reference first. Always there first regardless of path. Then you do what that entails... focusing on the body, being mindful, ardent, and alert, setting asside greed and distress with reference to the world. If 1st listed path, then you must choose a direction for thought. Those options being what is listed within that frame of reference in the relevant sutta.

I have been following this but at the same time not following it. I have been too discrimatory with my conscious reality. Ive only been focusing on one area of the body to evaluate if i am being mindful and such with chosen direction. Instead, it should be the totality of the body. The entire frame needs to be captured to use for reference as you seek truth. I have attempted this in the past, but my understanding in other areas had more misconceptual weeds so i pivoted at that time. Now that part is more clear, this step also has become more clear. The interconnection stands out within the overall framework.

When putting this into practice... i did not feel as tho 40 minutes has passed. I believe i touched upon access concentration briefly a couple times. In those consequitive moments, the totality of the bodily frame was in mind as thought was flowing towards in/out breathing sign and i was making sure to evaluate if i am staying mindful of the entire body breathing, maintain heading, if i am being ardent, alert, etc. Everything felt more singular. More whole. Idk hard to describe as the experienced, consequitive moments was very brief in my opinion.

Not sure how this carries over to the second listed path quite yet as i haven't attempted to tread it following this mode nor have i put much thought towards contemplating it, but will probably do so soon. My intent is to focus on the 1st listed (shamatha) and 2nd listed (no idea of connection to current worlds term association). Saving 3rd listed (insight path) for after those are developed, and 4th for last.

24 and 27min back to back sessions,  potential cause of ending of first session: Noise disturbance, greed to investigate to see if perceived cause aligns with wordly hypothesis plus distress over interuption?


In/out breathing for sign, 10mg sativa ingested right before start of session, seated posture


Working my karmic pathways felt harder today compared to yesterday's session. Extreme clenching/tensing of jaw, might be starting from left side. Lots of thinking around intellectual understanding of framework happening and having hard time letting go of that to actually experience what the dharma teaches. Been researching and contemplating alot since latest shift in understanding of framework that happened yesterday. Understanding keeps shifting and parts get deeper whereas others get removed. 


Feels like a bomb is building within. Was hard to focus on the body in and of itself first. Had difficulty separating that frame from others. Getting there though. This is definitely the way. I feel things becoming more whole, teachings are making more sense. 


I was off yesterday in regards to second listed development path. I think that is actually the path of insight. So, for now, im focusing on dev 1 while contemplating on dev 2.

40ish minutes (didn't set a timer and going off starting time on clock i partially remember), bodily disposition for sign, sober, still sick but not as bad

pressure starts on left side in ear and jaw, feel tenseness slowly receeding during practice, trying to withdrawal from bodily fabrications which includes those related to end effects of nasal drainage, around 5ish hours of sleep but woke up feeling rested and a strong desire to meditate to help alleviate things

Had what feels like another illuminating contemplative session last night around framework. Even dreamt of my theory. However, there are doubts over it for various reasons. One of those is that it doesnt align with what i perceive as today's understanding of things. Ego might be involved for a desire for potential re-discovery of what was covered over with misconception. Idk. Regardless, overall processing remains the same, i just changed my sign to what i believe is more fitting with my karma. 

Also going to try and focus on implementing this teaching into my practice more moving forward: https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an05/an05.002.than.html

15min... 10mg indica, no sign just trying to get to always mindful of body state first before directing outside the bodily frame

Disregard sign change and misconception on another's end. It was on my end but still partially there on another's potentially, idk we'll see

I think my understanding has gotten even simpler of the path and so things are more easier to intend in a way. Strongly reminding me of raja yoga. Getting the feel i was entangling 5th and 6th and 7th in ways. Now im essentially just focusing on 5th limb step if my understanding is right of that framework.
Lots of energy accumulated when i tried. 15 min felt like a lot of work. Felt intense. Definitely lots of clinging before in ways. 

18min, other same as above

Lots of energy in face area. Smoothing out this clenching force. Feels like my teeth are surfing across waves of my breath tensed up ready to dive underneath at any moment

My eyes and jaw feel like a cauldron of fire ready to explode. Then times in practice where that force dissipates ever so briefly and it feels as tho a breath of fresh air swoops in to keep me going on the way

My recent shift in understanding feels very deep. The lines between shamatha and insight practices feels as though they are disappearing and becoming more singular. It's all very subtle in terms of potential overarching impacts, but I am getting a feel for it as I practice on and off throughout last night and today. This covers most of it: https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/mn/mn.119.than.html

I've been doing a lot of the third section today ( "Furthermore, when going forward & returning, he makes himself fully alert; when looking toward & looking away..." etc). Feels like I'm going between 1-3 sections. Probably won't go into the 4th section until i can continuously follow every bodily interaction, mode of deportment, and in/out breath. Makes logical sense to me personally to have those down before turning to reflection. Then again, all of this feels new in a way so idk what the future will behold.

I find it interesting cross-comparing the instructions between the sections of immersing mindfulness in the body. When there is more bodily fabrication, the instructions have you just remain alert (the 3rd section). When there is less, it incorporates volitional discernment. Balancing of fabrications? Harder to fabricate mentally (or is this verbally?) when you are more involved bodily? idk. thoughts...

34 min, sober, seated posture

I'm making it one of my priorities to make sure im only working with the bodily frame. Noticed before i was getting stuck with things outside its purview. Also, ALWAYS MINDFUL. That is my short term goal with the frame. Learning to be a revolving door as the body changes moment to moment. I got stuck often in a past sensation or future possibility but was good with setting it aside and returning to the work that needs done. My jaw tenseness felt better again after the session. 
Once i become always mindful, then i will move onto active discernment of in/out breaths as instructed in the mindfulness of breathing sutta.

40 min, seated posture, sober 

Feels like im making good progress. Was able to get to always mindful state again here and then further. Got to where i was discerning long in/out breaths and short in/out breaths. What Papa Che Dusko mentioned previously is really sticking with me in my practice in terms of being ardent. In the beginning of my session where there were a lot of deviations, whenever i was able to focus once more on the bodily frame, i tried to be ardent when that moment occurred. Feels like positive reinforcement and it helped. 

Several lessons learned. Previously i had a perfectionist attitude. This path is really humbling me. Im learning i dont need to be "perfect" in every single moment. When i make a discernment, if i end up being wrong, im wrong. If im right, im right. That isnt to say, discern whatever i want, but just make the best call i can at that moment and move on. What comes after, comes. I think previously i was hanging onto a discernment made through to the end of a breath. This clinging in itself changes the outcome at times. Or i would keep repeating a discernment after i made it the first time. This feels like it uses up more energy and again can change the outcome. 

Im also trying to make sure my discrimination of my conscious reality with the bodily frame of reference doesnt become too narrow. It started doing that at times with the breath. I am to be mindful of the entire body, not just one area.

Outside of dedicated seated sessions, what needs done and how to do it is pretty clear to me at this point. Just tiresome to think about at times the work ahead. But, it's the only way forward so eventually gotta do it.

45 min, sober, seated posture

It feels like things are just clicking now. I sought the HOW TO DO for so long and now that i have my answer, i can just let go in a way. Had to stop this session as i started getting really hot towards the end. 

Im getting a better and better feel for when I have that always mindful state. Im trying to shorten the time between that realization and moving onto next step in process with discerning long in/out breaths. In the beginning area of session, when i didn't move onto next step, sloth and torpor hindrances started creeping in. As well as un-relative thoughts that at times i engaged with. 

I'm also trying to train myself to not separate ardent, alert, and mindful when it comes to focusing on the bodily frame in and of itself. In the past, i put to much attention on one that i start ignoring the others. Needs to be whole. I am getting the feel for how this is with experience.

Towards the end, i was starting on the step after discerning short in/out breaths where you train yourself to be sensitive to the entire body. Im guessing that was the cause of the heat, but idk.

Volitional inner speech for discernment of the in/out breath time length started to transition to automatic thoughts. Required less energy, probably due to less willful force idk, and i learned to start accepting my initial perception that arises and move on. 

Future sessions gonna not wear a shirt to help mitigate the heat effect in case it comes back.

Also, my attachment to Marijuana seems to be waning. We shall see how that develops tho, high probability it'll stick around for awhile.

Currently taking my foot off the gas and trying to get established with Mindfulness immersed in the body more. Previously, i was going into investigation when I could. One of those reasons was due to sloth/torpor hindrance creeping in. However, after recalling the four bases of power, i just have to adjust one of those four to get back within the mean. Rather than increasing intentions to discern long in/out breaths or postures and so forth, it gets increased around intending and doing the base activity more - focusing on the body in and of itself - mindful, ardent, alert - setting aside greed and distress with things in reference to the world.


I'm trying to do this whenever I can throughout day/night. I'm starting to get a feel for how it is generally. This will be my objective for the foreseeable future until it becomes well established.


Also, marijuana seems to be effecting me differently now. I am associating this cause to my understanding and practice of the base activity of bringing mindfulness to the fore/immersing mindfulness in the body. Less involving myself with sensuality and ego tendencies that the drug usually increases. I believe due to that, my craving and attachment is lessening since it is less "fun" and more of a hindrance with my actual practice.

 Sort of in the same place but also not. Still familiarizing myself with the base instruction: "There is the case where a monk remains focused on the body in & of itself — ardent, alert, & mindful — putting aside greed & distress with reference to the world."

 Found a relative sutta to this and the factors of awakening that helped move me past a point where I was getting stuck. A part of my mind seemed to get stuck on the "focused" part of the instruction. I feel I have some unwholesome karma relative to that term and so I was treading down those paths rather than the wholesome path. The sutta I read in one of the books I own used a different term for it: contemplating. From there I went between the two and others to get a feel for the general average of what meaning is trying to be transferred. What needs done and doing it itself is becoming clearer and easier. "Ardent, alert, & mindful": this describes what being focused is. Whereas before i was very rough with my focus.. trying to clutch onto something and not let go. 

My current short-term goal is similar as previous posting, just continue familiarizing myself with this base "doing", or non-doing if you will. Continue targeting the bodily frame of reference. Continue noting when the "unremitting mindfulness" is established so I can then move onto the investigation factor.

Had around 2 40 minute sessions today, both sober and with a seated posture. At other times, throughout the day, i had micro sessions where i very briefly practice to continue familiarizing myself with the base activity. I have found that once i move into the investigation territory, I do both types of listed discernment in reference to the in/out breath rather than doing one, then start including the other. Once the unremitting mindfulness gets established, it just feels easy to discern a long in/out breath as well as a short in/out breath. However, with my second lengthier session today I was only able to briefly get to the unremitting mindfulness stage a handful of times. Lots of deviations. 

50 min, seated posture, sober

This session has confused me intellectually. Though, during the practice itself, i just go with the flow and touch upon what needs touched upon. The main issue: once i got to unremitting mindfulness, i went into the discernment steps but then shortly after i went into the remaining 2 steps of being sensitive to the entire body and calming bodily fabrication. 

Energy wise, tingling sensations started spreading throughout my body and i felt heavier in a way. More grounded. While the order confuses me intellectually, i can see a couple connections with these steps after experiencing them some. With calming bodily fabrication, i think ive been trying to do that too much in the beginning with the Mindful step and that has been holding me up. Becoming sensitive to the entire body and calming bodily fabrication seem to go hand in hand. Opening ones mind to more and more sensations while at same time calming bodily fabrications which plays into that Mindful role. It also feels like i am getting closer to each moment as they happen or something along those lines the further i go into the steps. I assume that's why discerning of long in/out breaths come first. Then short discernments when you can keep up, then being sensitive when you have more space-time between the discernments.

We shall see how future sessions play out. Im excited for the experience 

54 min, sober, seated posture

Lengthier sessions feel easier, this time i was able to get to unremitting mindfulness stage much quicker. This time i was more so going between 1-3 steps and not doing final bodily frame step of calming bodily fabrications (tho that still happens with being mindful in general and the determined sitting). It feels like i wont touch upon that until access concentration. 
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It felt like i was getting closer to something. Im assuming here that is AC. Hard to describe but felt like i was about to get "locked" in. I saw path forward towards the end but then body was getting uncomfortable after long session and i called it quits. The desire for knowledge from the body and intending to get said knowledge and doing it rightly.. idk it all felt like my mind was about to settle upon the bodily frame officially. Then from there i can smooth out the wrinkles caused by bodily fabrications but idk.

Not to get into too many details, but i had very limited clothing on yet i still kept getting hotter throughout my session. I worry at times this will only increase but who knows

There were also times where my mind got tired of trying to discern length of time of breath so i stopped and just trained self to be sensitive to entire body with each breath. I didnt see the point since it was all relative and could change on a dime or sometimes i felt the desire to change the breath to match initial judgement which is a no no. Then other times i would go back to making those discernments. Flippity flopping...

Will probably have a couple more sessions today and will focus on generating more passion/enthusiasm to seek that knowledge from the body which i assume will put me closer to the state i believe i was getting closer to. But who knows, we shall see

53 min, sober, seated posture
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2/3 of session felt like a slog to work through, lots of low energy, sloth and torpor hindrance very prevalent. On and off discernments over breath time length. Towards the end i ended up reminding myself this isnt just monitoring breath in body. It's the TOTALITY of that frame of reference. Know its outmost boundary (skin) down to its base properties. Know every interaction it makes. More energy ended up coming about. left leg was starting to have some spasms. Next session i really need to emphasize before starting to be the base 3 with the entire frame, not just a small portion of it. 

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14-21 minutes, 5mg sativa, seated posture


Lots of cravings stirring amongst my experience. Mind churning faster. Path forward clearer intellectually, relating to base of power Discrimination. 

Believe that was what was causing earlier sloth_torpor hindrance.. too much Discrimination of conscious reality with just body breathing. Needs to be totality not just a fraction. I noticed when doing so there is direction and evaluation even at the beginning... trying to determine what is body and what is not body. Point of relativity? Idk
I did not get to any of the sub-steps, was more like learning to distinguish boundaries of direction for thought

52 minutes (shared this with my wife, kind of weird how all my sober sessions lately have been within 4 minutes of one another without any sort of alarm), sober, seated posture 

Wanted to have a session in between reading and replying to Bahiya Baby. I have a tendency to be closed minded to others advice which i am trying to address. When i initially read it, i found a lot of resistance to certain parts of the message. During my session, my mind often drifted on a thought current to try and phrase my future reply before i noticed and directed back. Things felt very peaceful during this session once i got into the groove of things and aligned with what i believe Bahiya was trying to get across. I am at the beginning once more. Will need to get use to this with future sessions and then try and determine when i have attained the unremitting mindfulness stage before moving into investigation

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Bahiya, afterwards, when reading over your reply again, I believe I understand more now what was being instructed. While i am still only attending to the body in and of itself (first frame of reference), it feels like this time i was more accepting of whatever shape the experience is while i am attending to the body. I believe i was being too rough with it previously and trying to deny entry to other things or something along those lines. Now it feels like things can come and go more easily and while that happens i just put my attention on the body wherever it may be in that experience and be mindful and ardent of whatever i perceive as the body in the overall experience.

I appreciate you!

Martin, your reply is really messing with my head right now. I keep going back and forth with thoughts. I'm going to chew on this for a bit.

Nevermind, it didn't take as long as I thought it would take. After reading over the Maha-satipatthana Sutta that I reference often, I found something that re-affirmed my current understanding of the general framework. The sense doors are found within the Mental Qualities/Objects frame, not the bodily frame of reference. Say you are looking at a pair of headphones. To associate those headphones to be the body feels wrong and tainted with delusion. If one were using the bodily frame of reference, then what is discerned would be relative to the body. In the above example, it would just be the body looking towards the headphones as it breathes, as it is sitting (or whatever posture it is in), etc. You don't really deal with perceptions not relative to the body. They are there, yes, but you don't attend to them as your current attention should be with the body and whatever it is doing. 

I don't believe there is experience in this current life where there is not a body. That is not a view I would have. You have feelings, body, mental qualities/objects, and mental states happening all at once. The frames of reference in the sutta above and  in Anapanasati Sutta break all this experience down into stages it feels like. Once you get grounded in the bodily frame of reference, you start moving into the other frames. 

Some of what you said seems to align with my understanding and other parts raises red flags to me and has me concerned. Maybe i'm misinterpreting and we are essentially trying to say the same thing in different ways. Not sure, but would appreciate further input if you are willing to provide.

I wouldn't want my comments to raise red flags or make anyone concerned. That's not really useful for most people, so I wouldn't want to do it. I don't want to convince you that something is true, here. Most importantly, I don't want to lead you to take the stance that something is false. I am just trying to, somewhat playfully, introduce the idea that there may be more than one right answer, more than one right view, more than one right practice.

For example, for some people, at some times, it is possible to think about the headphones that they see in terms of the action of light on the optic nerve, which is something entirely localized within their eyes so, for them, the headphones may be something happening in their eyes, rather than something happening outside their body. Or, for some people, the important aspect may be the neural representation of the headphones, happening within their brain, not outside their body. To be clear, I am not saying this way of thinking about it is right, just that it is sometimes possible. 

The reason why I am doing this is that sometimes, when we think about frames or reference, or practice instructions, or views in general, we can hold on to that strongly enough that it creates tension or prevents us from seeing things that we weren't noticing. So because you were talking about both intellectual understanding and resistance, I thought I would mention this trick of alternate framing, which can be relaxing and helpful in some circumstances. 

If it isn't helpful, and it's more of a distraction, or creates an unpleasant feeling, then just ignore it. It doesn't matter. It's just a random comment from the peanut gallery, not a criticism or an instruction. 

Ahhhhh, I understand now. Thank you for clarifying Martin, I appreciate it

26 min, sober, seated posture

Session got interuputted so had to stop earlier than i would have liked. Will have a longer one later this evening. Experience feels lighter now in a way. Sloth/torpor hindrance only ever briefly comes about and then recedes shortly after as i continue following along what Bahiya pointed at earlier. I was definitely being too controlling. I continue to point my focus towards the body, wherever that might be, in my ongoing experience as i am able. 
​​​​​​​

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46 min, seated, sober


More of the same, but some confusion over process. Im having a hard time articulating the confusion but feel this confusion will clear up over a couple more sessions as i keep going in the general direction I have been. 

58min (26 min, brief break to take out earbuds due to vibrations in head causing tickling in ears, 32 min), sober, seated


Been hesitant to post lately due to a lot of back and forth with my understanding of things when it comes to base concentration practice with in/out breathing. Im currently back to where i have been in the past. Done this before many times. I want to say things seem clearer now with base practice but since ive said that before and been wrong I feel shame, annoyance, tiredness of the back and forth and just wanting simplicity. 


I do feel the practice is extremely simplistic now with where I am at. I no longer get anxiety thinking of taking sativa as there isn't really any wiggle room to misinterpret with the intellect as the direction is extremely straight forward. The thing i was doing before with full attention on the body without further direction with intention to put full attention on body like body breathing in/out was causing issues. Even think that was causing me to have some breathing issues and bad coughing. Breathing feels alot smoother now. 


Im focusing less on ardent area with the three variables in right mindfulness. There is already desire and passion there and believe it will grow on its own over time. Im just focusing on putting full attention on the body relative to in/out breathing while being mindful. I dont have a specific point on the body i restrain my focus to. Just however my experience unfolds, i put full attention on body breathing in/out wherever that may be and be mindful.


Now that things are clearer, i believe i was wrong in some logs before and didnt touch access concentration briefly. I believe AC = unremitting mindfulness = 7th limb in raja yoga. I believe once there, due to what i have read from other sources, it will free up room with mental fabrications with having to point thought in direction and so once direction is set i can focus more on investigation factor. That would start with discerning long in/out breaths. But again, none of that until i get there whenever that may be.

Wherever it may be on its current life cycle: beginning, middle, end, etc. .... whatever consciousness you might perceive it in.... whatever of the body is captured in your current unfolding experience.... put your full attention on it and observe its natural story.

41 min, 15 mg hybrid with 10mg of that sativa, multiple postures, multiple large bodily fabrications

Path is very stormy

Obvious cause

Sigh

45 min, sober, seated

The simplicity in the technique is helping to overcome all the hindrances on the path much more easily. I can feel the karmic tunnel forming in a way, the weeds clearing up.. it's only a matter of time

49 min, sober, seated

Reocurring hindrances im coming across: 

Treating being mindful as something more than just neutral observation. I catch myself trying to "project" good will towards what im observing rather than just observing it as it is in the moment. I think that projection in itself is covering up the natural truth.

I try to restablish a certain feeling state while im observing rather than letting that be as it is.

I make assumptions the breath will finish at a certain point, which probably in turn influences the natural truth and need to just observe it regardless of outcome. This will probably help me catch the transition more quickly.

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I am starting to gain more confidence with initial perceptions rather than have doubt and second guess like i use to do a lot. This is my main guideline until AC: Put full attention on what my mind confidently perceives as the body in/out breathing and be mindful. That's it for now. It's that simple.

I am glad that you concur with my technique that will be used moving forward. It helps soldify my choice in a way

On the intellectual side of things, i am curious. Do you not utilize the Aggregates model but instead categorize differently? Are projections not formations? You impose something onto a form you perceive within a consciousness and feel the contact that happens.  I understand everyone has their own thought framework for intectualizing around them and that framework also changes over time. I am just curious where you stand now in that regard. You can also ignore this question if you want, all good!


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Log 2 hours after last one on tue:


54 min, 7.5 sativa, seated



Above average deviations and needing to course correct. Felt like i was dealing with more pressure or mass or energy or all the above. Makes sense tho due to Inserting that chaotic element into the mixture of this being.


There were times though when the waters calmed more than usual. Felt like i was getting close to finding a balance between pointing my attention and being mindful. Less grasping and trying to pin my foci down with the mind.



Log wed:


32 min, sober, seated


Felt like i could go for so much longer without resistance and had a desire to do so but also had anxiety would go to long and potentially upset my wife. Going to start setting an alarm for 60 min so i know with certainty moving forward.

Lots of emotional baggage from work today as well as what will be happening at work tomorrow. Took awhile to set this aside as it kept cropping up in my thoughts. 

Was getting the hang of it towards the end in regards to consistency and really tried to give each perception of in/out breath my full undivided attention while remaining mindful


Log tonight:


27 min, 7.5mg sativa, seated

I keep getting entangled with a similar thought loop. Playing out conversation angles in my mind with a potential future conversation i will be having with my boss at work.
To much resistance to attend to the perception of in/out breathing right now. Gonna play around with the second listed path of right concentration and attend to the perception of light/daytime. From what ive already done, it feels more broader. Less narrowness of mind. Prob cause it's one of the base 6 variables for the 6 areas of knowing. So, it includes all forms within, not just the breath, or earth, or... less discrimatory of this conscious reality

45 min, sober, seated

I can feel things slowly starting to center. I have some fluctuations that happen in my left hand where i want to move it but once i notice i return my attention to my perception of in/out breathing wherever that may be.

Breath is flowing more easily, especially so the beginning and end. I was definitely impeding the flow quite a bit before. 

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When not doing the 1st listed right concentration development path, i am going to try and do the 2nd with light/daytime now that i am getting a decent, general feel for how things are "done" 

For those unfamiliar with what i am referring to, it can be found here: https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an04/an04.041.than.html

55 min (22min, quick restroom break, 33 min), sober, seated

More of the same. I am still getting use to giving X my full undivided attention while also making sure i am mindful and not hindering its natural path. It's taking time to find the balance between the two.

I have found that i cling to a certain action once i set the intention. The balancing aspect between the trio variables within right mindfulness is taking time to get use to. I'm learning to step in only when it's needed. Being more economic with my energy. 


Log dump:


Sat 2nd session: 39 min, sober, seated

This time i tried focusing more on being mindful. It did help smooth out things more but sloth/torpor hindrance started creeping in more in turn. Like i said before, gotta learn to find a balance between Alert and mindful and even the one i havent  been putting much emphasis on, ardent.



Sat 3rd session: 44 min, sober, seated

This time i was less prioritizing a singular actionable variable (alert, ardent, mindful) and just intending one towards in/out breathing whenever i felt the relative area could use some reinforcement

This feels less exhausting and more like right effort. Being more economic with the energy of this being. The passion part feels necessary now to form that attachment or stir the cravings of the mind to get it pointed in a singular, relative direction 



Sunday: 37min, sober, seated


This process def feels more optimal with energy utilization. Other i was constantly intending in one form or the other. This im learning to monitor overall experience and balance what needs balanced. I can see karma at play where if i experience X i take so and so action so that will become more and more ingrained

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Process:

Point of relativity: perception of body in/out breathing.

Base process until AC: if yes, leave things be; if no, readjust

Is my full attention on binding point?
Is there enthusiasm/passion?
Am i being mindful?


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Thoughts from yesterday:

The mind can see small details and large. Dont forget the macro. Get a general feel for the overarching activity.
In/out breathing is my binding point/sign.

My objective is to have Mindfulness at the Fore. I use my sign for relativity and evaluate around it. 

It gets my attention (Alert), it gets my passion (Ardent), it gets my love (Mindful).​​​​​​​


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mon log: 24 min, sober, seated


The unification idea helps bring everything together in my mind. Going to try and continue this trend for awhile and see what happens from session to session 


today's log: 23 min, 5mg sativa, seated


Lots of deviations over an idea that was proposed to me earlier today by my boss. I keep chasing after thoughts relative to that idea. Lots of craving.


When i return, the modification in process is helping unite all the things that need done (or things to do in order to not do....), finding it easier to get back into the mode with my chosen sign.


I am trying to be easier on myself. If i fail, i fail.. just return when i am ready to have a go once more.​​​​​​​

Haven't had many lengthy sessions this last week. Was dealing with bodily health stuff with seasonal temp changes, but body is stabilizing now and so will probably do some longer sessions over next couple days before travelling out of state for holidays. Also, my understanding of the dharma and its interconnections has changed quite a bit this last week. It seems more aligned now with what others state in terms of shamatha and vipassana practices. This, in turn, has led to several questions arising over the 4 concentration development paths. In general, in regards to recent shifts in understanding, I have dropped the idea that I can work on the second listed development path (attending to perception of light) before the 1st, listed path. I have also noticed some changes in my personality and things returning to previous "states". I don't know if this is due to the shift in understanding, me getting high way less, or some combination of both. Mayhaps I was supressing or trying to overwrite things through more fabrications previously (i guess supression would be considered a fabrication as well). IDK, i have just noticed a general shift in daily experience overall and feels more freeing. 

I just recently consoldiated a lot of the notes/questions i have and was trying to decide on whether to post or not here. I am going to since this is also a contemplation log where i engage with my thoughts alongside reviews of cultivation sessions. To others, I know a lot here will probably be wrong. I know intellectual understanding changes over time. I know I need to practice to find the answers. These types of questions and contemplative thinking is a desire I have and chase. I enjoy doing this alongside actual cultivation. So, with that being stated, here they be:

• Questions:
  • Where does the last frame instructions, within Mindfulness of Breathing Sutta, land one in terms of the insight path? A/P or cessation event or elsewhere? If A/P, is A/P the stream and then switch to second path from there? If not, when and where does the transition occur? INVESTIGATE AND FIND OUT!
    • Current Hypothesis: A/P represents the birth and start of decay of the sign you have chosen to revolve all experience around. That is the turning point and can't really go backwards after that based on what I have read. You can no longer grasp at things in the center and have to focus on the peripheral. Hence the change to second path where you focus on perception of light/daytime, which is more consciousness focus and not form focus. I assume here the attainment is attained on second path when one has uncovered the dhamma eye, got a glimpse of the deathless, nibbana. Then move to working towards 3rd attainment, which I currently assume takes one to non-returner status with 5 lower fetters removed.
    • Stream entry point confuses me some, and I know some debate on where exactly that might be. 
      • IF A/P is where first attainment on concentration path is attained. IF A/P is where relinquishment step is completed in Mindfulness of breathing sutta. Then, logically, based off the below description of the stream, that is Stream Entry. Right mindfulness is covered in all 4 frames. Right concentration 1st path is completed. The others speak for themselves as those are necessary to even get to this point. INSERTED THOUGHT: Upon further reflection, there is doubt on that second to last statement in regards to concentration. If attainment on one of the four paths is considered the requirement for that fold, then cessation could also be considered SE for second development path. However, if one were to stick to the definitions in and of themselves, it would be when one has reached equanimity, the last part of Right Concentration within Magga-vibhanga Sutta. 

                                                 "Sariputta, 'The stream, the stream': thus it is said. And what, Sariputta, is the stream?"
 
                                                  "This noble eightfold path, lord, is the stream: right view, right resolve, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration."
 
                                                   "Very good, Sariputta! Very good! This noble eightfold path — right view, right resolve, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration — is the stream."

44 min, sober, seated

Noticing objects arising in the mind not relative to chosen sign more clearly and so able to more easily turn thy wheel back towards the right heading. Snippets of songs like they are actually playing, visual faces like i am actually seeing, thoughts of getting close to AC and then starting to analyze and think of current state rather than... etc., things like that

Another reason i believe my experience has shifted lately is i am more in tune with my body like of old. I changed how i approached things mentally in so many different ways throughout these last couple of years thinking if i apply the mind in this unique way or conceptualize in this manner then i will reach so and so... more recently i had a habit of switching between Breath and Body breathing in/out for my sign. Yes, one might say they are the same. But, to me, it feels different and my mind goes in different directions with what it considers relative perceptions dependent on that choice. Idk hard to fully describe.