Notes:


-My thoughts have become stickier than i remember.  
First goal with meditation:
Clean up some of that stick/stank

@15 minute mark - "The Drop" - the mind relaxes outward into EQ.  This time it was pretty subtle and sort of happened in a series of small waves, each sort of increasing the relaxation.

Lots of tingling throughout the body for the whole sit.  Is tingling the same as Piti? 

Sitting here now after 25 minutes, and feeling pretty relaxed.  Going to go play some music now!

Thanks B.B.!

I was just searching through my notes and I found these that I took from 2022, during one of my calls with Dreamwalker, as I was writing down his instructions. 
I found his advice to be super helpful back then, and reading back now after a couple of years, still super clear and helpful.
I'm not sure if maybe there's somewhere else I should post this, for preservation.

We also talked a good amount about 3rd path 'mini' attainments and how to get them.  I'm going from memory, but, the training was very focused on the sense doors.  The mini-attainments essentially had to do with the unlocking of the various sense doors, and combinations of sense doors.  There are a few specific excersizes he recommended.  I believe there is a post where DW details this, in his Framework of Awakening - for some of the sense doors there were several mini-attainments, especially with the sight door.  His Framework of Awakening post goes into more detail.

Meditation notes:
Too tired to meditate yesterday. I recently switched medicines for my insomnia, which didn’t work out very well so I had to switch back to the quetiapine which works reasonably well.Feeling much better today.  
Insomnia can be a great teacher of impermanence and subjectivity- if you want a guaranteed way to go to DN territory, just don’t sleep for a couple of days. Everything sucks, etc. Then, watch as your universe transforms after you get a good night’s sleep. It’s like a magic trick, amazing! 

Today notes:I just cut an onion and my eyes were burning.
When sitting, it’s more pleasant when well rested. Attention is softer and more relaxed.
If you haven’t noticed, I love sleeping. One of the joys of life. And I absolutely love dreaming. Just thinking about dreaming gives hints of rapture and bliss.  J2/J3 flavor?
There was a subtle relaxing ‘drop’ into equanimity again this time at 15m- very faint. 
And then there is ‘giddiness’ which is different than the rapture/bliss. More of a childlike excitement (which I think is more classic J2). 'top of the swingset' as described by DW.I should try to sit throughout the day and try to build and maintain concentration... just a question of finding the time.

Last night I had my headphones on, listening to binaural beats (which is essentially just a drone).  Consciousness dropped out for some time, (not completely though, there was a tiny thread of awareness still left), and then when I came back online, 'rebooted', there were weird hallucinatory sounds that I would hear on top of the drone as I came back into awareness.  Perhaps J8, unfortunately no significant 'bliss wave' when I came back. 

I think exploring the boundary between J3/J4 and also Vipassana J3/Samatha J3 is important for me right now.  I tend to get stuck in DNs (vJ3) especially when sleep deprived.  I notice how the automaticity of J3 can be more pleasant in samatha, and how you can sort of ride that automaticity into a more expansive, pleasant J4.  Perhaps mastery of this transition can really help with my sleep cycles.

Best wishes JW! 

My eldest son (8 yo) wants to meditate for some reason I never asked him to do it but I did talk about my life and part of my life is also about meditation. So he asked me to buy him a Tibetan singing bowl and I did. Its almost 900g and sounds rather fine. He asked me how to meditate on sound so I told him to hit the bowl with a mallet and listen to its sound until it utterly fades away. Then hit it again and do the same ... for as long as he feels like. As a kid of course he does it for no more than 3 minutes at most But it is a good practice. He likes it. He even built an altar for a metal Buddha his mother bought in Thailand back in her youth. 
In the night time he asks me to tell him stories about the Buddha. So I tell him the story about Buddha's birth and also the story about how the Buddha left his father's castle and went to find the way to the end of suffering ... the 5 ascetics and then the jhana teachers and then ending up with noting the chain of events in his mind-experience and awakening as a result. 

Now he is bored with that story and asks for another different story about the Buddha but I don't know of any other story.

Not sure why I wrote this here  

Hey Papa Che, good to hear from you my man!
8 years old now... Wow!  

That's cool that your son is interested in meditation, he must have seen you buzzing and caught some of your vibrations! 
Surely lots of meaningful times together ahead of you.  Maybe you can do a father-son retreat in Thailand someday! Or, maybe just a sit in the back yard. Hah!

The sound of the bell... where does it go?  When does it stop?

Sits have been pretty boring the last couple of days.  

Circling back to the J3/J4 boundary.  I do think this is an important transition to master, with so much to worry about, which can be overwhelming. I've gone down a couple of political doom spirals in recent days so have had plenty to work with sensations-wise.

There's a very J3 quality to the mind of, let's call it, 'doom-scrolling' or 'catastrophizing'.
Thoughts happen quickly, like rapid-fire, and there is an automaticity to them- they're hard to slow down or get rid of.  Interestingly, they are also hard to finish, and for matter, where they start is obsured as well - seeming like they're coming at you from all sides, all at once.  There's a sort of purgatorial quality to this lack of endpoint definition.  

What I guess would be called vipassana or noting is a method to distance yourself from these thoughts emotionally, so that your only reaction to them is to obseve and label them - not ignoring them or denying them.  This way the thoughts sort of lose their teeth and the mind can become more focused and calm, and the thoughts become just flickering sensations.  You're noting the blinking of these sensations, which really is both the rising and the falling of these sensations.- I usually notice more of the 'start' of the sensation than the end (I think).
As I continue to note, eventually the mind sort of naturally just relaxes, outwardly, into a more spacious place which is the start of J4.

The phrase 'rise above' comes to mind.  When people say this, it means essentially, don't be bothered, don't let it affect you, be undeterred and focused - but also implies there is a 'below' from which you must rise.  This kind of reminds me of the transition from J3-J4.  As you observe the rapid-fire thoughts of the DN, there is sort of a coolness and expansion that occurs, relief I guess, as you begin to move into equanimity.

It certainly does recontextualize things, I don't know how I would be able to process things without the training I've done so far.  One of the reasons, as I remember, I was first motivated to start meditating a few years ago, was due to fear of not being able to navigate, or keep my sanity, in a world that felt like it was turning upside down. I think that it's really helped in that regard.

"​​​​​​​Not that one shouldn't be invested politically but when investment becomes identification, there in lies the crux of the problem, identification leads to suffering"

That's exactly it, and this is most of what we refer to when we talk about 'politics', unfortunately. Maybe why good Buddhists make bad politicians

Through training and paying attention, you start to see things more as they are-
I see a world of ideologies and greedy manipulation, by the powers that be (and some quite obviously unwell very powerful individuals), of those ideological attachments. These attachments are reactionary in nature, so they grow stronger when the individual is afraid, angry, emotional. This is why fear tactics and divide/conquer are so effective, it evokes a primal fight or flight reflex that can be easily taken advantage of.  And as sad and distressing that is, it's how it has always been, and probably how it will always be. The technologies change, the tactics get better, or worse, more or less effective, but the game is the same.

But, things can and do get better, and all said and done, our lives are pretty great relatively and the future is never certain, nor is it permanent. I wouldn't rather live in any other timeline!

Re: compassion. To be honest, most days my focus is just myself and those immediately close to me, in being the best and most present that I can. That's usually enough of a challenge, but youre right, expanding the Metta circle is important. But it has to start with yourself. One of the most basic teachings but really important. It is your own enlightenment that is the most effective way to improve the environment around you.

Too busy to meditate much the last few days.  Although I keep getting strange experiences before sleep, every 2 or 3 nights seems like.  Last time, I saw a flash of stars that felt like they was being burned into my retinas for a second.  Then sometime later I came to, slowly realizing that something had happened, but wasn't sure what; strange surreal thoughts that I can't really now describe like I was coming to from out of a coma or something and gradually realizing where I was.  I don't know what this is.  It kind of reminds me of the descriptions of coming out of cessation but I didn't really get a bliss wave.  Maybe retracing of earlier paths?  Or just some sort of weird A&P?  Sort of feels like waking up from a dreamy sleep but there was no dream, only confused recollections of one that never existed, and feels different from being asleep.  Maybe it was just sleep, i dunno.  I'll have to keep taking notes if this keeps happening.

Anyway, back to the compassion conversation.  On a macro level, it's not that I don't feel any love for 'the general public', it's just more I guess what I would describe as mostly pity, mixed with a wishing love.  I want people to be happy and free from suffering.  It's like you're watching from afar someone  running full speed toward the edge of a cliff, and you're thinking 'oh no, don't do that, please don't do it', but they are so eager to jump off the cliff, and you're so far away that there's nothing you can really do to stop them.  As part of the recontextualization, you just see people suffering, and because you can see how selfish it is, it could easily turn you yourself towards feeling anger, which also would be selfish.  I am constantly having to make the choice and the effort to not also be selfish.  Hopefully that changes at some point.

Hah, I've definitely had periods of experiencing compassion in that way!

What would your idealized compassion be like?

Here's a possibility (maybe true, maybe not): it won't change until you give up. This reminds me of this excerpt from The End of Your World:

“A few months after that realization, I went to see my teacher. I would always see her on Sunday mornings. We’d sit and meditate, she’d give a talk, we’d meditate a little more, and then we would all have breakfast together. This time when I sat down in that room with all of the other students, this sense of superiority arose in me. It really surprised me. Over time, I started calling it 'Superiority Man.'

I was sitting there in meditation, and all of a sudden Superiority Man arose. I looked around, and there was this sense that the other people in the room knew nothing. They didn’t know anything about the truth; they didn’t know anything about reality. I, on the other hand, had had this great realization. I was immediately horrified because, fortunately for me, I knew it wasn’t true. The realization itself had shown me that superiority is a total dream, an egoic fantasy. But that didn’t keep Superiority Man from making an appearance.

My mind was creating this great sense of superiority out of the facts of awakening. At the same time, there was a deeper knowing that the feeling had no basis in truth. I tried everything to get rid of Superiority Man. At first I just tried reminding myself that it wasn’t true, going back to that place inside where the superiority had no reality. And yet every time I would show up for meditation, week after week, this sense of superiority would arise.

I tried everything. First, I tried hating it to death. Then I tried loving it to death—accepting it and allowing it to be, in hope that it would go away. I would look at where it was coming from, why it was arising. As the weeks went by, I tried every strategy I could come up with to eliminate it, and all the strategies failed. Every Sunday morning I would show up, sit down, and Superiority Man would arise.

Finally, one morning, I realized that there was actually nothing I could do about Superiority Man. It was like being completely defeated. I realized I had tried everything to get rid of it, and nothing was working. There was nothing I could do. 

It wasn’t a dismissal; it wasn’t like I was becoming blind to it. It was an authentic, sincere realization. It was a moment of utter defeat. I saw that it doesn’t matter how much I’ve realized, I can still be defeated. I can still have something arise within me that is not true, that I can’t actually get rid of, even after the awakening that happened.

I sat there and allowed myself to be defeated. I meditated for a while longer, then I got up with everyone else and we started to have breakfast. I noticed that when we all sat down to breakfast together, the sense of superiority lifted. It wasn’t because I suddenly understood something—there was no reason. I had realized that there was nothing I could do about it. Encountering the fact that I could not get rid of this arrogance, no matter what I tried, was one of the first experiences I had—and there would be many more—of the futility of personal will.

So if you find yourself feeling a sense of superiority after awakening, don’t try to push it away. Don’t try to push any negativity away. But don’t feed it, either.

Just see it for what it is. That’s the most important thing."

"Hopefully that changes at some point."

I bet it will! Fingers crossed!  

"What would your idealized compassion be like?"

Nice one!  

Well, thanks for the replies everyone.  

"Sometimes it is possible to see the suffering without the distance." 
Heh! You don't say....    Only sometimes though?

The way i see it, if it is something, can't not be suffering.

I maybe gave off a snooty sort of impression like I'm sitting pretty and unaffected while others down below are struggling.  But no, we're all in this big old mess together, for better or worse, one giant ball of massive shared trauma. 
Even though, yes, I certainly can be a snob at times especially when it comes to music...



"Here's a possibility (maybe true, maybe not): it won't change until you give up."

I'll read this again tomorrow when I have more time.  My working assumption is that it won't ever completely change, meaning even the most enlightened beings have to wake up every day and recognize their own selfishness or pride, and make a choice to not act based of off that selfishness or superiority. I don't think those mental patterns ever stop happening completely, but they do get easier to see through as the selfing mechanisms lose their grip though insight and experience.

"What would your idealized compassion be like?" 

Hmm that's an interesting one, I'll have to think about that one

To answer the question, 
"What would your idealized compassion be like?" 

(I think what you mean is, "how would you define compassion" -- rather than "idealized" compassion, which would mean more like, a romanticized, unrealistic version of compassion)

My definition of compassion is just the literal translation of the word:
Middle English: via Old French from ecclesiastical Latin compassio(n- ), from compati ‘suffer with’.  

Compassion is the empathizing with another's suffering; feeling another's hardship as your own. 

Yeah, by "idealized" I meant what would a perfected and possible compassion be like, not some sort of unattainable ideal. 

I use a similar definition yeah. I feel that it isn't really compassion if you aren't experiencing at least some shadow of the suffering.

Without that it's more like a rational wish for others not to suffer, but that alone can become an obstacle to really understanding what it is that you would wish for.

Superiority Man:

I like this anecdote. 

I want to clarify my intention, because I sometimes jot stuff on here without thinking much about it and as a result, it comes across not as intended or not fully baked. 

When I say:
"Hopefully that changes at some point."  

Selfing--> the basic human/animal instinct to separate one's own experience from another's, to dilineate between 'subject' (self) and 'object' (other). 

Grasping --> the contraction that occurs as a response to any sort of threat that challenges the notion of "me" as a permanent, absolute entity.  Intellectually, this looks like 'rationalization' or worse, 'spiralling' - convincing (tricking) one's self that you are, in fact, everything you think you are or want to be. Anything your mind can do to solidify and strengthen the false self. Emotionally/physically, it comes up as fear, fight/flight, etc.  This is the 'that' which I was referring to.

My first hope is that through practice, 'muscle memory' if you will, the process of recognizing the negative feedback loops, "breaking out of it" or abstracting from it, will become more automatic, and require less conscious effort over time.  

Eventually, I think the subject/object delineation also collapses permanently, to where the self is not the central point but rather another object in the field of awareness.  This is also something that I would like to happen.   


I used to make up all of these stories about myself.  I used to tell myself that I was The Greatest.  Some sort of genius, the world didn't know what they were missing.  Everyone else sucked, I was the best.  

Really, that was 'grasping', a fabrication of a larger than life character, to mask what was really just an insecure, underdeveloped, lonely little boy.  

Now, it's a lot easier to just see the sad, insecure, inadequate little boy (Which also is it's own sort of story, hah), feel the embarrassment, the shame, inferiority, in the pit of my stomach and accept it, nurture it.  And then, I can actually develop and grow up.  Not saying those patterns of grandiosity don't still show up, (and heck, there's even a time and place for grandiosity).  But I'm definitely more aware of them when they do.

Anyway, feel like I'm getting a bit off topic here, and still haven't had much time to meditate last few days.  It is good to clarify intentions though. 

"Without that it's more like a rational wish for others not to suffer, but that alone can become an obstacle to really understanding what it is that you would wish for."

I agree. 
-There is compassion,
-there is the desire for others to not suffer, and for yourself not to suffer,
-there is also the feeling of helplessness, but also acceptance, associated with the realization that there will always be suffering, and there's nothing you can do about it   

And these are not incompatible things, they all kind of happen at the same time,
yes, how could one with for others to not suffer without truly knowing and feeling that same suffering (compassion)


This has been good for me, thanks!

It depends what you mean.

- do I think it is possible for an individual to experience what is referred to in Buddhism as 'the cessation of suffering'? 
Sure, I think it's a relatively well documented phenomenon that is indeed achievable:
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0079612322001984

Certainly not claiming to achieved nirodha samapatti or anything close to it, but I think I myself have had some experiences of cessation, and lots of people on DhO have as well.

-do I think that all suffering will end for every creature on earth (and potentially other planets and other universes)?  No, I don't think that's realistically possible.  There's always going to be suffering in the world.  

-Do I think that achiving 'enlightenment' means that one no longer experiences pain or suffering in daily life, even if they for example can sit in nirodha sampatti for weeks at a time?  

I don't know for certain, but I don't think so.  There will always be pain and suffering, what changes though is how you see/feel that suffering, and how you react/respond to it.


But, now that I'm thinking about it, I do notice a flaw in my statement: 
"The way i see it, if it is something, can't not be suffering."

Something can simply exist without implying any sort of suffering.  Like, a rock, for example.  More accurately, if there is consciousness, and emotional reactivity, there is some level of suffering.  Keep in mind, the cessation of suffering is the cessation of consciousness.


"


I'm not sure I understand what you are asking... do I see a difference between being bound and being unbound?  What do you mean by 'bound' and 'unbound'

I'll attempt to answer what I think you're asking, though I'm not sure if you'll like the answer, because the answer is both yes and no.

Assuming:
Bound = more contracted, more tense
Unbound = less contracted, more relaxed

• Comparatively speaking, there is a binary difference in that one state has more obvious suffering, and the other has less obvious suffering.  So you could say that one is 'better' than the other, if your measurement of 'better' is 'the obviousness of suffering'.

• But, in another sense, there is still an element of suffering present even in the states you might describe as 'unbound'.  In this sense, all states are simply different points on a grayscale of suffering.

There are many days when I spend a good amount of time feeling utterly defeated, and today was one of them.

​​​​​​​i really don't mind feeling defeated, in fact I'd probably choose it over feeling undefeated most of the time. I probably even wallow in it more than I should when it comes up. There's just such a richness to it. It makes such a soft bed for sitting in meditation or songwriting. like falling into a soft down comforter (J3 flavor)

  I think I get what you are saying, nirvana is samsara and vice versa.  True.  

But, if there is perception, there is clinging.  Even in those sublime states where everything happens perfectly on it's own.  

Clinging of course, is also empty, as is 'non-clinging', if such a thing exists.

Maybe I am confused about something?  Or attached to a wrong view?

  

"In other words, the experiences are seen as arise-passed , nirvana-ing. The experiencing itself is extinguishing the moment it arose. 

And this leads to the question  Then what is that suffering that seems to go through time and feels as if it's happening to me and seems very real?  Now this is the journey post SE and needs a consistent non heroic daily practice. Honest curious inquiry for the benefit of all. "

Also, are you implying here that after SE, clinging no longer occurs?  If so, I definitely am not a Stream Enterer.  I cling to stuff all the time
Though, it's easier to recognize and easier to let go of than it used to, that's for sure.

This has really got me thinking Che, thanks!  

"Probably a wrong view, but talking about it doesn't matter... views only become clarified with actual viewing..."

Wrong view we'll call it then.  And yes, I am probably getting ahead of myself, but just to clarify, what I was trying to say is that there is basically always some sort of 'clinging' going on in "experience".  Maybe at a certain point later in the path, there is no longer any clinging at all?  Again, getting ahead of myself.  All I know for certain, is that in my experience right now, there is most definitely clinging  

For me to brush up on my vocabulary:
https://www.spiritrock.org/practice-guides/the-five-aggregates

Sounds like a good sit!

Ok! You've inspired me Che, i've been sitting closer to an hour/hour and a half last couple of days.  Probably won't be able to sit this long on many days, so I'll do it as long as I have time.  Yesterday I sat for 90 minutes and wanted to keep going, but I'm a little hesitant to push too hard for the time being.

When you say 'vipassana' - are you talking about a more rapid noting style?  Is this related to the 'strobing' that I mentioned earlier?  

(I am familiar with these terms but it's been a while, and I also just want to kind of start over from scratch, so just explain it to me like I'm 5 )

2 days ago:
I was feeling neutral emotionally all day, and my sit was kinda meh.  Without emotion there's kind of not that much to work with in a sit.  It's not really as juicy.  I have been paying attention to the nada sound and how that changes.  I did notice that at 30 minutes (both of the last 2 days) it gets louder and higher in pitch.  Still don't know really what I'm supposed to be looking for or doing with it.

Yesterday:
Lots of emotion, for various unrelated reasons - there was a bird outside my window that kept me up till 4am, work stuff, etc etc.  My sit was pretty great.  I went through a range of emotions, from the frustration and sadness (which i had been feeling throughout the day) to gratefulness and respect, mostly located in the heart chakra area.  Like i said 90 minutes and coulda kept going.
The last 30 or so minutes I was able to get into a light hypnogogic state and take the mindstream as primary object.  
Also noticed at some point, there was a switch from needing to exert effort to just 'automatically happening', little to no effort required - i think this is maybe a sign of transition between J2 and J3?

Also,
'Hypnogogic' vs. 'Strobing' -- could these be called EQ in samatha jhana vs. EQ in vipassana jhana??

One other positive note is that, though it is a bit early to tell, I feel like I have had more mental clarity lately.  One of the reasons I wanted to start sitting in earnest again is that I had noticed a fogginess, 'brain fog' as they call it, that had been kinda creeping in over the last year.
I think journalling is also helpful in this regard.  I believe there are studies that show that daily journaling is good for mental health.  And even better that i'm journaling about meditation.

I get what you're saying Che.  Sorry for the extensive response, but this is actually really helpful for me to write out.

I absolutely agree that "this" is what it's all about.  My most recent direct experience of it was about a year ago, as I've talked about before.  

I actually wrote a song about it that you might like, on the cablecar coming down from the mountain where i was on retreat, that I coincidentally just today got a mix back for:
https://soundcloud.com/clendn2000/koyasan-dec-2023

So yeah, it's all getting back to (remembering? cultivating?) 'this'.  (Not that it's gone anywhere, but it's usually kinda buried/faded these days.)

Thing is, as far as I can tell, the way I got there was through jhana practice.  Just working up through the jhanic arc, from J1-2-3-4 up to fruition, etc.  (I don't know if the formless realms are all that important).  I remember the night before I had this big experience, I had a series of, i guess, cessations, like 5 or 6 of them in rapid succession, right before bed, where consciousness kind of buzzed out and back in, each one located in different parts of my body. I remember specifically one of them was in my right arm, weirdly.  The other ones I think kind of went down along my spine.  Right after this happened, I felt like something was different but I wasn't totally sure.  The next morning though, right when i got up to sit, was this very powerful undeniable 'thisness' that lasted for days and i think had some permanent effect on me.

The reason I'm saying all of this is to explain why i think it is important to take notice of which Jhana I am in, what the characteristics are, what are the transitions like between each jhana. 

1) I think there is value in being able to call up various jhanas at will, both as an artist/creator, and as a meditator with an intention of progressing along the path.
2) It's also what my instructions have been, from a couple of different teachers. 
3) when i read stuff from people who can get into NS and stuff like that, which is way beyond me, the first thing they talk about is going up and down the jhanic arc and transitioning between different jhanas.  So it just seems like a good thing to be able to do.
4) My mind just seems to naturally want to follow the arc up to equanimity (J4) and high-eq, as the clinging gets more and more subtle, it's generally pleasant and fulfilling to go through the arc to the more subtle states.


Okay, so all of that said -- Maybe I'm going about this totally wrong.  I'm just kind of doing the same thing that I've been doing for the past several years, heavily inspired by MCTB/Shargrol Post Comp/Dreamwalker.  Should I be switching to something else or changing my focus from jhanas to something else, like sensory based or something and not worry about what Jhanas I'm in?

I will say, when I just sort of let go and don't worry about where i am or what's going on jhana wise, cool stuff does sometimes happen more easily just because im not worried about anything.  I suppose I am putting an emphasis on noticing the subtle qualities of each jhana and sometimes that can indeed get in the way of concentration.

Reading this back it seems a little obsessive, i'll admit.  I'll try to do a TLDR:

"Perceptual upgrades" - not a goal
Jhana mastery - provisional goal
This - ultimate jackpot

"I will say, when I just sort of let go and don't worry about where i am or what's going on jhana wise, cool stuff does sometimes happen more easily just because im not worried about anything.  I suppose I am putting an emphasis on noticing the subtle qualities of each jhana and sometimes that can indeed get in the way of concentration."

This!

Mind experiences joy and gladness when noting the fast unfolding stream of experience. Khanika Samadhi. Good stuff!
Which jhana am I in? Which stage? 
Do I know where I am? ... Sitting on a chair and staring at a laptop typing these words

In any case, yeah I think you're right Che. Thanks.

"In my view for Vipassana to ripen 45 minutes minimum. For Jhana to ripen 30 minutes minimum but then carry on 15-20 more minutes for Vipassana as that's where it's at for us, me thinks. "

I think what this means for me is, start with cultivating jhana. Try to recognize the aspects of each etc. Then, after 30 minutes or so, or when it feels right, (ideally in EQ), just let go of all of that, and just note, which will probably be a lot of 'thinking'.

Oh yeah - 'there is striving'.  

"I will say, when I just sort of let go and don't worry about where i am or what's going on jhana wise, cool stuff does sometimes happen more easily just because im not worried about anything.  I suppose I am putting an emphasis on noticing the subtle qualities of each jhana and sometimes that can indeed get in the way of concentration."

Case in point: before bed yesterday, I was listening to binaural beats and got into a very subtle dreamy state, when I noticed a gap in the audio drone, of maybe a couple of seconds.  After that happened, I noticed some increased visual activity that reminded me of A&P.  It was so distinct that I rewound the audio drone (it was on a spotify track) to make sure there wasn't actually a gap there.  There wasn't a gap, but the drone did get quieter at some point and then louder again.
Then later, lots of little hypnogogic imagery where i could 'lock into' the unfolding of the images, and watch them complete, (which im probably not describing very well, but hopefully if you've experienced it you know what I'm talking about), which has a generally good and satisfying feeling to it, definitely nothing super crazy or intense, just like an "ahh".

This is the type of stuff that I think of as kind of the 'short-term goal' of my daily practice.  And I got there but simply letting go (albeit, once I was in a very subtle EQ state).  That is not lost on me, and one could tell me all I need to do is 'let go' for the rest of my life and not worry about any of what it means, and you'd probably be right.  This type of stuff happens all the time, like over the past year, when I wasn't keeping a meditation log or having a strict daily practice.

But, I'm just curious - and i think this is maybe what '2nd path' is for me: 
What is this stuff and what do I do with it? 
What is actually happening in those subtle hypnogogic phenomomena?  Is this actually what I should be 'going for' in my practice? 
Should I be trying to reproduce phenomenon more often and with greater clarity?
How do I 'get there'?  

The answer I've come up with, and maybe this is wrong, is to notice the subtleties of these events or phenomona when they happen (which is tricky because in this state the awareness has to be so subtle.  For this reason, I'm going to have to do it over and over and over to be able to pick up on these subtleties.)
How to 'get there'? - go through the jhanic arc.  Notice the subtleties and characteristics of each jhana.  Get to high EQ. Let go.

And then...
 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

I'm more of a rivers and lakes kind of guy, believe it or not... love the song though. Hehe 

Ok, well, I feel a little misunderstood to be honest, but that's okay.  I must not be doing a very good job of expressing myself. It's actually something I have struggled with.

I'll come back to this when I have more time to give it justice-

My meditation today was on the airplane. In front of me was a very drunk man, behind there were about three crying children, and to my left, a woman who had to have the police called on her.  'Tis the season!
In my meditation, I was at peace. I must admit though: I had some help. Noise Cancelling Headphones

thanks Che and Bahiya Baby for the honesty and the willingness to engage!

Now onto family time. Lots of family time. Woohoo!!

As one of my teachers once said, family is the path in its entirety.  The good, the bad, everything in between.  One thing that is clear to me is that parents love spending time with their children.  It is their greatest joy.  If I can maintain presence, alertness, attentiveness, and stay engaged throughout this holiday season, that’s great practice and it’s a great way to bring happiness to myself and those around me - family, old friends, and my partner.

Last night I sat for around 45 minutes.  It was my first real sit in a couple of days and I was feeling pretty tired from the traveling I have been doing.

There was thinking, hearing, feeling, and seeing throughout the sit.    The object I was focused on (with eyes closed) was just the visual field of consciousness, the space behind the forehead.  The first half of the sit required more effort to maintain concentration, there was more noticing of thoughts, and sounds, and feeling. 

The 'thinking' were thoughts were mostly in the background and they were mostly thoughts around my practice and noticing what was happening in my experience.
The 'feeling' was mostly neutral, and was mostly felt as a tingling sensation in and around the eyes, and the body.  There was a subtle warmth in the heart area at various points in the sit, but it was faint.  
The 'hearing' was mostly the rain, I was sitting outside, but also of the nada sound.
The 'seeing' was mostly of the flickering of sensations in the visual field.  

At a certain point, I noticed a shift in needing more effort, to needing less effort, and the 'seeing' and 'feeling' of sensations became more obvious and were sort of presenting themselves more forwardly.  Towards the end of the meditation, the tingling sensations in the visual field began to stretch horizontally, so that the space resembled more of a 'visor' rather than a circular area.  I allowed and encouraged this expansion to happen and even tried to see if I could expand further into a 360 field, that did not happen but there was feeling of expansion upwards as well as horizontally.

All of this was very subtle and not very mind blowing, I was quite tired.

At this point, it was past midnight, and I wanted to continue, but I had to go to bed and it felt like a good stopping point.

 No, it's not harsh.  I said something that was misleading and you were pointing it out and giving me a chance to clarify.  Vince was not my teacher in the formal sense of the word, but he was a teacher in the informal sense.

As I hope you know, Chris, I have great respect for you as well, and please feel free to be 'harsh' with me when it comes to this practice log and especially towards anything that might come across as misleading or potentially confusing to others reading this.

 

'At a cursory glance of his website his offering does have some premium tier monthly subscriber energy but look cocaine and escorts don't pay for themselves, I, of all people, can understand that.'

I don't get it...

'J W, THAT WAS AN AMAZING LOG,LOVED IT, I hope you keep up that kind of fine detail. '

Hah, thanks! I can certainly do that going forward.

Let me ask...

'What is your experience of dukkha whilst sitting?

and if the paths are bullshit, why meditate at all?'

These are both great questions. I'm going to need to think about them for a while. Good food for thought. it's probably going to be a while before I can log here in earnest again, it's kinda a nonstop whirlwind for me right now and is going to be that way until mid January.  I'm afraid that keeping up here is one too many things for me right now and I don't want my interactions here to be half baked.  I'm gonna keep at it though and I'm gonna be thinking about these questions. Thanks again!

" and if the paths are bullshit, why meditate at all? "

The seeker needs a pacifier, just like any baby does. At least until it grows up. Then the seeker can dispose of those pacifiers and live life as it is. 

I've been having a lot of weird things happen to me over the last week or so, that I would really like to understand,
specifically if whether these things I am experiencing are where my 'cutting edge' lies and where I should be heading towards (i.e. trying to reproduce and investigate),
or if I'm really just wasting my time with this and re-cycling through past territory or just going down a rabbit hole that leads nowhere, or perhaps if I should just throw these into the 'random weird shit' bucket and move on with my life if there's really nothing to learn here.

If someone could help point me in the right direction, either through advice from their own personal experiences (ideally someone has encountered this exact thing and can help place it), or by suggesting certain literature, I would be grateful.  FYI, if It's something covered in MCTB, I've read it, am familiar, so that would be a good reference to point me towards.

Lately I've been investigating Bahiya Baby's question, "What is your experience of dukkha whilst sitting?", which is I think a great question because I think it really answers where I 'need to go' with my practice.  So, the first two of these experiences happened after a period of what I think could be described as 'investigating and noting of Dukkha', and they were both kind of similar in feel.  The third, I wasn't really investigating Dukkha (or at least I don't think I was), it had a different flavor, more gentle flavor to it.

None of the below experiences were particularly mindblowing or exciting - this type of stuff happens all the time for me, more so recently as I've ramped up my practice a bit, I'm really just very curious about them because it's just so weird:

1. A couple of nights ago, I had a sort of dream-like vision where I was trying to unlock something, like a lockbox with a 5 digit code type of thing.  I was kind of fiddling with the sequence of numbers, and it was like I had forgotten the last number of the sequence, and was struggling and kind of anxious to get the last number correct and open the lockbox.  Finally, I got the last number correct, and right as that happened, it was like something/someone just took their finger and poked my brain, sort of, and it jolted me, I physically flinched and was immediately wide awake.  When the 'poke' happened there was sort of a blob that appeared in the visual field for a second.  I didn't notice feeling any differently after this happened.

2. Last night, (and this is going to sound made up, but I assure you it is not), a similar dream sequence, where I was sitting in what appeared to be the cockpit of a spaceship (which very much resembled the Millenium Falcon).  A friend was sitting to my right (not sure who it was), and we were discussing going into hyperspeed. 
I said to them something like, "So that lever there, if I push it, you're telling me we're gonna go into hyperspeed?" 
"Yep, we're gonna go into hyperspeed"
"This lever right here?  Okay..." *pushes lever*
Then, I went into hyperspeed, and it felt like for a few seconds, like maybe 3 or 4 seconds, i was just Matrix uploading information into my brain, like it was almost comical what this felt like.  Or, like I was moving forward really quickly underwater with the water rushing through my mind and I was kind of struggling to maintain focus of what was happening.
After these few seconds, again, jolted awake and not really sure of what to make of this, didn't really feel any different.

3. This happened maybe a few nights back or a week ago.  Again, much more gentle flavor than the previous 2 which were more jarring and intense. 
The best way I can think to describe it is, I felt like I was meeting up with an old friend, and we were deciding where we were going to meet (some coffee shop somewhere, I don't know), I approach the coffee shop, and then, we meet up for some time, I don't remember anything about the meeting, don't remember what we talked about, who it was, but I know that we had a great time.

It feels kind of silly writing this stuff out to be honest.  But I honestly am just really curious about this.  Is this just normal weird stuff that everyone experiences?  Maybe I'm putting too much importance on it.  But again, I'm never really trying to make any of this happen when it does, it just sort of happens.

 Ok, I will do that.  Thanks, Chris.

"Is there a difference?"
No, ultimately there's not a difference.  That much is clear to me, on some level at least.

 

This-mind seems to do an impossible task really. Tap-dancing in the utter dark and trying to make sense of it. It helps to not have ill will towards this-mind. 
+1 on what Chris is suggesting. Several months of daily practice will uncover lots of stuff and make things a bit more clear. 

If not sure how to proceed then staying with the body sensations is always the safest in my experience. What is the body sensation? What is its feeling tone? On and on, one after the other ... keep at it! You can do this JW! 

I can't wait to start a daily practice again.  Still not able to as things are too crazy and I'd rather wait until I can really commit to an hour plus per day.

Last night, a bear dream:

Don't feed the bears, they said.  

Just one goldfish, I insisted.

The bear ran towards me.  More and more goldfish I kept feeding it.  Pretty soon, it became aggressive, roaring and rushing towards me.  

I ran out of goldfish.

The bear jumped at me, and I went limp, played dead, let it bite me.  I could feel its teeth as they pressed up against my left eye.

I felt some pressure, then release.  It was a play bite.

The bear is now my friend.  Good for guarding houses.

Oh what could it mean, I wonder?  ;)

Coincidentally... the bear... symbol of Russia... and California.  Unfortunately, one is extinct.