Divorce Settlement

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Auntie Antei, modified 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 11:02 AM
Created 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 9:38 AM

Divorce Settlement

Posts: 4 Join Date: 12/20/24 Recent Posts
My ex-partner and I got married in 2021, bought a house together in 2022 and separated in 2023. The divorce just went through as official a few months ago, and the judge ordered my ex to return me the funds that I had put into buying and fixing up the house within 60 days or else the house would be put on the market. It's been over 60 days and I haven't received anything.

Now, I am not struggling terribly in life. I am technically living below the poverty line but I have a house and a car, no kids and no expensive habits so I don't really need that money for myself. However, most of it came from my parents and I want to pay them back asap. They've said they're all right and there's no rush, and I love that they're so easygoing about it but I'm not comfortable owing anyone money for any longer than is necessary.

If the house were put on the market I don't think my ex would be homeless or destitute but I don't really know anything about their current life as we haven't been in contact at all for the past year and a half.

I would love to just say you know what, it's not worth the energy for me to bother about it and move on with my life, even though it is a large sum, much more money than I've ever had to my own name. But it feels disrespectful to my parents to make that decision on their behalf. On the other hand, I truly hold no resentment or ill will towards my ex and I don't want to make their life miserable. (They can do that without my help.) And I would ask, What would the Buddha do? But the Buddha was a wealthy prince who gave up everything and I've never been wealthy nor do I intend to give up all my material possessions. So what would a responsible and compassionate practicioner of our times do?
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Geoffrey Gatekeeper of the Gateless Gate, modified 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 9:41 AM
Created 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 9:41 AM

RE: Divorce Settlement

Posts: 696 Join Date: 10/30/23 Recent Posts
In one short sentence - what exactly do you think the root cause of this suffering is?
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Chris M, modified 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 9:52 AM
Created 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 9:46 AM

RE: Divorce Settlement

Posts: 5570 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
... the judge ordered my ex to return me the funds that I had put into buying and fixing up the house within 60 days or else the house would be put on the market. It's been over 60 days and I haven't received anything.

Get that house on the market, sell it, and then pay our parents back with the proceeds. Honestly, this seems like an easy problem to solve, so what's the purpose of posting it here? (That's another way of asking the same question Geoffrey asked.)
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Geoffrey Gatekeeper of the Gateless Gate, modified 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 10:14 AM
Created 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 10:14 AM

RE: Divorce Settlement

Posts: 696 Join Date: 10/30/23 Recent Posts
I believe the point is to work on Sila
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Chris M, modified 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 10:17 AM
Created 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 10:17 AM

RE: Divorce Settlement

Posts: 5570 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
Let's give the original poster space to answer.
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Chris M, modified 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 10:46 AM
Created 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 10:46 AM

RE: Divorce Settlement

Posts: 5570 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
To be clear, I'd like to see the OP's answer to gain insight into the issue as they view it. 
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Auntie Antei, modified 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 10:56 AM
Created 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 10:56 AM

RE: Divorce Settlement

Posts: 4 Join Date: 12/20/24 Recent Posts
Thanks for these responses. I'm posting it here in case anyone else is dealing or has dealt with a similar situation and to see if anyone can offer perspectives I hadn't considered or simply offer support, as I imagine one might do in a community forum.

The root cause of the suffering in this case is most likely attachment to a wholesome self-image -- I like to see myself as a caring, responsible, considerate person who avoids deliberately causing harm whenever possible. I'm currently going through a period of experiencing and integrating Anatta, and I find it comforting to keep in mind that all of these worldly phenomena are arising due to prior causes and conditions, nothing to do with "me" since there is no actual "me." 

And absolutely the point is to work on Sila, I intend to continue working on Sila as long as I'm alive regardless of any other attainment. Sila is the first and last training.
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Chris M, modified 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 3:42 PM
Created 22 Days ago at 12/23/24 3:42 PM

RE: Divorce Settlement

Posts: 5570 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
We have no history on you or your practice - can you fill us in? When did you start? What practices do you typically do?
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Geoffrey Gatekeeper of the Gateless Gate, modified 21 Days ago at 12/24/24 8:48 AM
Created 21 Days ago at 12/24/24 8:48 AM

RE: Divorce Settlement

Posts: 696 Join Date: 10/30/23 Recent Posts
It is good to cultivate wholesome mind states towards both yourself and others. One core therava teaching I love (pun intended) are the four divine abodes - loving kindness, compassion, finding joy in the joy of others, and equanimity 

the best meditations I've found for this are on the waking up app (which costs money, but if you email support@wakingup.com they will give it to you for free if you can't afford it)

Check out Metta (loving-kindness), from the Waking Up app:

https://dynamic.wakingup.com/pack/PKDE1VB?source=content%20share&share_id=E12F8C7F&code=SC46F1D12
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Geoffrey Gatekeeper of the Gateless Gate, modified 21 Days ago at 12/24/24 9:33 AM
Created 21 Days ago at 12/24/24 9:33 AM

RE: Divorce Settlement

Posts: 696 Join Date: 10/30/23 Recent Posts
It could be worth checking out how Manuel of Insight talks about wholesome states. You can find it easily by hitting control+f and looking for wholesome

https://wisdomexperience.org/academy/wp-content/uploads/sites/4/2016/07/Manual-of-Insight-for-Course.pdf