so, this is a sort of followup from my question here.

note: take all of this with a grain of salt. I'm high on antibiotics this week. actually, that's why I started meditating again, because being high against your will really really fucking sucks.

yesterday, meditating right after that conversation (for the second time that day), something happened. maybe I bumped up against the a&p, or maybe I just finally got some proper concentration going (I think I'll reread the maps again this weekend).

whatever it was, damn it was good. awesome happy-feelings (it turns out that meditation has a lot in common with techniques I came up with to reach orgasm) and also some new discoveries. there was a part of it where I learnt some important things about acceptance, and was able to relax a lot... which I really needed.

I was able to contemplate the idea of letting go of some things that I'm nowhere near ready to let go of, which was pretty big (normally my brain'll freak out if I go anywhere near such thoughts). it was like, nothing could hurt me while there was no "me" to hurt.

the more I was able to accept things and open up to my body, the better it felt, until eventually it reached a peak. then I felt like, there was a path forward from there, but I wasn't ready to let go of the happiness (and this would probably be a bad time to wander into the dark night, if I was anywhere near that). so I clung onto it as it faded, and just tried to accept that it was time for it to fade. and then my alarm went off.

I felt a lot more grounded after that, and life was a lot easier to cope with. i woke up feeling happy this morning. yay! although that might still be the drugs or something. I'm really looking forward to being done with those.

this morning, I meditated again. it was nice, and relaxing, but it seemed like i kept wandering back to my thoughts. oh well.

hmm.. i also noticed at some point that I feel more aware of my automatic thoughts. like, a day ago I would notice when I have automatic negative thoughts, and on days when i feel really down it seemed like I got a bad feeling about *any* thought - but this morning I was in a good mood, and still seeing little discouraging thoughts come up against anything I think - and then the anxiety feelings afterwards. before, it seemed like I'd usually only notice the second round of thoughts *after* the anxiety. yay progress! it's also feeling a lot easier to accept those little thoughts without believing them, and just let them float away.

there's something odd going on in my brain, under the surface. some part of it is contradicting everything I think. my daydreams these days are almost entirely composed of arguments, regardless of who the characters are, and so are most of my bad dreams. it's probably just trying to keep me safe by warning me against bad ideas, but it's gotten out of control and is warning me about absolutely everything, way out of proportion to any actual danger. hopefully the more aware of it I am, the more I can train it to relax. or at least I can relax instead of trying to fight it.

well, the other day I meditated, and it was good, but every time something started happening I thought "omg something's happening" and lost it. not really a surprise.

I'm still feeling the benefits from last week, though; it's noticably easier to stay calm. now that i'm off the antibiotics, I can feel a well of adrenaline rising up, and it's a lot harder not to stress out (especially since I'm running around packing stuff). it's like I'm always on alert, which makes it hard to actually pay mindful attention to anything. but, I'm not mentally worried at least. my body's tense but my mind isn't getting caught up in it as much, so it doesn't spiral out of control.

as for today's meditation.. I finally get some quiet time, and I start sneezing! ha. hopefully I'll get a chance later today