Here it begins. I've been practicing formally, daily since 2018. Just finished my first three month retreat and just started doing vipassana with context for it and guidance from an Ariya spiritual friend and teacher.

Someone please lmk what info is helpful to share about myself and my background, I have a tendency to overshare. 

Earlier today I posted my notes from the retreat and here I will post my practice log following the retreat. Prior to retreat I would sit two hours each morning, all day on Thursdays and infrequently at other times. Aiming now to add evening sits of at least an hour each night no matter how tired I am and find more time throughout the week to bring weekly average closer to 30+ hours.

Slowly deprioritizing social and professional pursuits without sabotaging or neglecting career and existing relationships, just trying not to pursue any big new projects. Recognizing my conditioned tendencies towards attachment and the "greedy" type of meditator. The practice is letting go, letting be...

21:50-22:40 at first noticing emptiness and the joy of my first sit in the house post-retreat as the beginning of a new journey, watching the slow blossoming of the practice and seeing who is this new person since this transformative time? Lost sense of time and contact with awareness but it didn't feel like torpor, returned to senses and indulged in old habit of peeking at timer before it went off and kept going with newer practice of ending the sit at that point. Old habits die hard. 

According to Chuang-tzu: Ch'ui the artisan could draw circles with his hand better than with compasses. His fingers seemed to accommodate themselves so naturally to the thing he was working al that it was unnecessary to fix his attention. His mental faculties thus remained One (i.e., integrated), and suffered no hindrance. To be unconscious of one's feet implies that the shoes are easy. To be unconscious of a waist implies that the girdle is easy. The intelligence being unconscious of positive and negative implies that the heart (hsin) is at at ease . . . And he who, beginning with ease, is never not at ease, is unconscious of the ease of ease.

What i like to do currently is, drop all effort for something needing to be any other way other then what it is right now. When the sense of control for things to be different arises, observe if and where tension in the body arises. You can follow breath or you can just be present with the body, gently observing tension and the need to control. Even if "stuff is getting difficult" don't control anything, just notice. Notice even how the mind says, "Ok this is difficult I'll try to breathe through this". Notice anything that tries to take control.


You could also note. Noting is basically dropping practice provided you're noting phenomena at a rate of at least 1 thing a second and not getting caught up on specific things. You can note sounds, smells, physical sensations(hot, cold, pressure, buzzing, thoughts(imagery, auditory, both). You can even note stories your mind creates. You can note the desire to understand, explain or plan something. You can note emotions, fear, anger, disgust, excitement etc

You can note how awareness itself contracts on parts of the body, what that feels like in terms of vibrational qualities and what the "mind" perceives that sensation to mean. You can note how awareness broadens out and how that presents itself. You can note or notice how things come into front and center of attention and yet there is awareness of things going on in the background.

You can also ask questions like. What is perceived to be the self right now? What is awareness? How big is awareness? Is it broad or has it contracted somewhere? How is this contraction me? What is perception? Where does perception occur? What location is the mind at if it is located anywhere at all? When does perception occur? Why does awareness contract and expand?
The questions do not need to be intellectually answered, they're there to guide insight and knowledge.
Dont forget to have fun! 

This is helpful, I really appreciate you sharing this. Thank you

Oh shoot I wrote a log entry for my sit this morning but didn't hit Publish and now it's gone. Anyway for the record I sat 5-7:05am til body discomfort starting developing then did zhan zhuang. About to sit some more but I'll hit publish on this first. 

13:05-14:10 nice postprandial sit, very much nothing remarkable to note about it, almost no activity in the mind. I suspect I drifted off into torpor and came back when my back started hurting but it happened faster than usual and I don't remember it. I suspect it because I have that slightly groggy post-torpor feeling right now, which is not totally unpleasant. 

20:50-21:55 similar phenomenon as earlier, within minutes of starting the sit consciousness faded and stayed gone until just before I finished. Def could've gone longer but happy to go to bed and continue in the morning. Feeling calm and comfortable. 

3:20-5:05 same pattern continuing of irresistible torpor interrupted by back pain. 

Its not pretty alot of the time. Quite often when coming out of those kinds of sits I feel like I've done a big workout and sleep like a log! Despite the heaviness and torpor notice how there still is some level of awareness, just another day in the office! 

6:30-8:00 I laid down on the couch for an hour and a half and got back in the chair to sit some more, with the desire to stay awake throughout whatever's happening and notice everything I can without exerting any effort, continuing with the method of no effort. But again my ability to stay conscious and notice anything faded, this time returning with noises from neighbors. Just going to keep going and see what comes. 

Re how much sleep I'm getting -- on retreat I slept 4-5 hours/night and had some days without any torpor although most days there was at least some. Since coming home I've slept about five hours/night, waking up without an alarm and feeling refreshed and motivated. So idk I could try and make myself stay in bed longer but that feels more like effort to me at this point than getting up and practicing. 

18:20-20:00 sitting with music and other thoughts faintly floating at the edges of awareness, noticing v mild nasal congestion and snot slowly running down nose to lips and beyond, dropping expectations while setting intention to really notice what's happening and maybe 10-20 min in the pleasant body sensations return same as earlier in legs and chest, not even as much as a blanket, just a light feeling of a v gentle touch. This triggers a reminder to pay attention pay attention although sure enough soon afterward consciousness fades out, coming back in much later with awareness of the feeling of the body sitting in a chair, feet on floor, etc. Remained sitting for some time idk maybe 20-30min with only awareness of body sensations, sounds, and the absence of thought until deciding to get up. Feeling alert and relaxed. 

I remember at one point when remembering to "pay attention" noticing the visual field and how it goes from seeing a dark, blank-seeming panorama to noticing very faint amorphous movements of slightly lighter fields changing in size but all very dimly and vaguely. Somehow I want to pay attention with the eyes more than any other sense. I remember noticing an awareness of the paradoxical difficulty of trying to vigilantly observe and remember as much as possible while relaxing and letting go of everything as much as possible. 

What could be going on with these periods of losing consciousness and not being able to remember what's happening? I assume it's torpor and sometimes I'm sure that's what it is and other times like just now I'm really not sure. 

1/23  - Retreat Day
4:30-6:30 similar to yesterday but with the intention to stay awake the dropping out feels less deep yet there’s still a distinct sense of disappearing and returning and it doesn’t feel like falling asleep and waking up. I noticed the visual field getting very slightly brighter, from a dark black to a slightly lighter black, maybe even with some hints of red and blue. Body stayed comfortable throughout until a few minutes before ending. I’m willing to endure discomfort but I can focus more effectively on the process without it so intend to Goldilocks my setup a little more. I did notice the body slouching so would sit up to stay awake and another anti-torpor strategy I thought of this morning is to keep my bedroom warmer — I always though I slept well in a colder room but I need to try tweaking that and see. 
6:40-7:20 Zhan zhuang wk6d4Wu chi 14min balloon 12min Wu chi 3min
8:50-10:25 variation on the same torpor theme. Definitely sank in and out of it this time and valiantly attempted to stay awake, straightening up each time I caught the body slouching, head drooping and mind disappearing but it’s like a groove has been carved and the mind just can’t stay out of it. Coming out of the sit feeling slightly groggy though pleasantly peaceful. Not sure if there’s anything to do about it other than keep going. I’m very open to suggestions. 
11:55-13:15 sitting in the attic for the first time since coming back from retreat and it’s cold but I have a blanket and heating pad for feet. Up here while a couple workers are replacing the front and back doors on the house and sitting through it is kind of like being in the dentists chair with local anesthetic. So I could feel the pleasant oncoming of torpor but due to the constant unpredictable intermittent noise of drilling banging and shouting I never lost awareness. Could be a strategy for future sits, just have the doors to the house replaced every time I want to stay awake?
13:50-15:10 is it possible for me to make progress in a semi noisy environment? I don’t know but I can try. Just surrender to the moment. No torpor but some v mildly pleasant sensations as usual. Occasional doubt as to whether I’m “doing it right” or if I’m getting in my own way too much, then zooming out and seeing how much easier it’s gotten. SOOOOO much easier even since the start of the retreat. It’s like the mind knows what to do and I just have to yeah get out of the way. Let the work do itself. Yet there’s still a question of watching the work — K said to drop the watcher and merge with awareness and I’m on board with that but haven’t found the balance yet of dropping the watcher and not losing awareness. 
15:25-16:10 walking, feeling feet, knees, shoulders, etc etc some music and other thoughts, interactions with people in the neighborhood and also just noticing sounds and sights always changing, feeling the cold physically and a sense of delight and contentment, sort of a loving neutrality about it all, plenty of moments without any thought or watching, just being. 
16:20-18:00 sitting for a good stretch like this with no torpor, no pains, and no expectations is really where it’s at. Mind a bit busier than usual, maybe 50/50 stillness vs mental activity or possibly more mental activity than stillness but for the most part it’s not sticky. What actually got me up and ending the sit was the same musical fantasy that’s been bugging me for a few weeks, and now that I’m back I know it’s achievable. So music is still sticking and pulling me out of stillness. 
19:25-19:40 started sitting and got interrupted by door installers finishing up and leaving, spent a while cleaning up after them and then taking a bath, gonna go straight to bed as it’s been enough for one day and I want to make sure I’m getting enough sleep. 

1/24
Sleeping time is increasing, slept 22:00-4:00
4:30-6 following same pattern as usual, nothing to say about it, trying to create good conditions for sitting and then let go and not fight the torpor if it comes. That said, I didn’t experience any heavy torpor in this sit. 
6-6:40 Zhan zhuang wk6d5Wu chi 14min balloon 12min Wu chi 3min
7:25-9:10 no expectations but accepting and grateful for this feeling of ease!
21:10-22:50 came home from a full day culminating w sauna and had a deeply peaceful sit. Lost all thinking for a good while and before ending when thought returned I wasn’t sure whether it was evening or morning for a minute and there was a moment of heightened emotion, almost anxiety around that confusion that I observed and let go of but then was like omg it’s late!

1/25
4:30-6:30 peaceful calm stillness with a fair bit of thoughts rolling around but not much music. There was no music last night btw! Didn’t get to sleep til after midnight, being around people gave me a lot of energy and stirred up a lot of longing and clinging that needs letting go of. I really love everyone that was there and kept thinking about how I don’t want to hold onto anyone or make any effort to keep myself in their thoughts, or rather I recognized that pattern that I’ve had for such a long time and hope I’m beginning to loosen my grip on that feeling which I understand is coming from the conditioning of being raised in a highly restrictive household with a scarcity mindset. 
6:35-7:15Zhan zhuang wk6d6Wu chi 14min balloon 12min Wu chi 3min
Driving home from the sauna last night I listened to Zencast 461 How Are You by Gil Fronsdahl which I found helpful as a reminder that I’m not doing this to get anything. “Getting enlightened” is a matter of letting go of everything. He shared the aphorism “Nothing needs to happen,” which works great for remembering there’s no need to strive for anything. I also interpret it as, “in order for progress to take place you need to experience a lot of nothing” which comforts me as this phase of practice has a lot of nothing and I find myself unintentionally concerned as to whether I’m wasting time and searching for signs of progress.
8:10-9:30 just more of the same, feeing grateful for this ease and comfort. 
20:50-21:30 was going good just got too sleepy to keep sitting still

1/26
Sleeping time is increasing. Slept 21:30-4:30 last night. Felt so tired after spending the afternoon painting pottery w an old friend and her family. Skipped PT this morning which is highly unusual for me. 
4:45-6:15 that was fine, a bit sleepy and distracted in the end by the humidifier running out of water. 
Lay down on the couch for a bit, feeling disoriented and deeply ambivalent about spending time with people vs practicing. 
7:20-Zhan zhuang wk6d7Wu chi 14min balloon 12min Wu chi 3min
8:35-10:25 had another v brief moment early on in this sit of noticing I’d forgotten what time of day it was. Hearing neighbors making noise I wanted to associate it with morning or evening and wasn’t sure which it was. Otherwise peaceful and calm as usual. 
21:40-22:40 I’m still not used to going through a whole day without any sitting meditation. It’s unfamiliar and I’m noticing a tension between wanting to make time to meditate more and wanting to just relax and let whatever happens happen.

1/27
Slept 22:30-4:10
4:45-6:50 deep relaxation and probably some torpor for the first 100 min or so and then that blind searching tentacle of the mind starts casting about for something to hold onto, narrating, noticing physical discomfort, thinking about tasks and ideas, but continuing to meditate through this has gotten easier and that’s what happened with just a tiny body shift or two and some yawning. 
6:50-7:30 Zhan zhuang wk7d1Wu chi 15min balloon 13min Wu chi 3min
20:05-21:25 feeling sleepy at the end of a nice sit. No real struggle to mention during sitting, it’s pretty much all off cushion by now. Feeling tension around not sitting all day long, it doesn’t feel quite right. Spent most of the day making work phone calls and looking at the computer screen. Felt positive and productive and also less heart in it than ever. Not opposed to doing the work but just really indifferent. Noticing desires for success and for loving friendships and remembering the conflicting desire of letting go of everything that’s not essential. 

1/28 
Slept 21:30-3:30
4-7 first 1.5-2hrs peaceful as usual, then about half an hour of desires and discomforts popping up like popcorn and triggering involuntary big breaths and/or mini stretches (straightening the back) followed by awareness of that and the desire to calm that activity, let it go and allow that energy to move elsewhere, remembering to surrender to the process and let thoughtless awareness take over. For the last half hour or so there was less physical discomfort and less mental activity though some still present. Pleased to have sat three hours but also already feeling somewhat annoyed that I probably won’t be able to sit again like this today.
7:15-7:55Zhan zhuang wk7d2Wu chi 15min balloon 13min Wu chi 3min
21:30-22:25 just not enough time in the day for everything. So tired. Cutting nonessentials out is so hard but I know it’s right. 

1/29
Slept 22:15-3:45
4:15-7:15 similar to yesterday but felt more awake during first part and had less physical discomfort and mental activity and hence fewer deep breaths and back straightening in second part. Towards the end I noticed some very vague lightening of the visual field and at the very end there was a small dim shape that was repeatedly appearing, growing and disappearing which I noticed and tried to not get attached to, really didn’t seem very important but it was the last thing I noticed. 
7:20-8:05 Zhan zhuang wk7d3Wu chi 16min balloon 14min Wu chi 3minSlightly less easy than before, some mild trembling towards the end, lingering tingling in soles of feet afterwards 
8:45-10:00 after last night’s zoom group w K I’m feeling more inspired to try less and drop more in professional and social life although I’m avoiding anything too abrupt. This sit had me thinking about work I need to do and dropping that sense of need although in the end I did end it sooner than initially intended because there are tasks on the to do list for today. 
22:00-22:45 feels late but I’m not falling asleep in my chair but I’m going to bed so I can hopefully wake up wo an alarm and sit for a long time before breakfast

1/30 - Retreat Day
Slept 23:10-4:10
4:35-7:20 increased tolerance for discomfort or just decreased sensation w pain in butt for last idk half hour or more. At start I noticed several shorter cycles of catching myself slipping away and slouching and straightening back up, maybe 3-5 times, as opposed to the usual one big one. 
7:25-8:10 Zhan zhuang wk7d4Wu chi 16min balloon 14min Wu chi 3min
8:50-10:45 the usual plus new sensation unlocked just towards the end — a pulsing needle like yet pleasurable feeling just above or maybe to the right of the navel, only happened a few times, total duration a few seconds I’m guessing
12-13:30 sat through pain in back and butt, watched some thoughts come and go, many long moments wo thought, and eventually got fixated on wondering how long I’d been sitting and ended it there. 
14:00-14:45 that was nice. Ended early bc I have a mtg w K at 15:00
Notes from mtg w KIt’s really all about listening to your heartLearning to orient ourselves more and more in alignment w the heart of our being. The more we listen to it the more it guides us. Landing ever more fully in the present moment which is more fully alive the more open the heart is. Discerning what is supporting the practice and what is going against it may take some trial and error. Getting stuck in things that don’t support it will feel more dead and things that do will feel more alive. The closer you get to the center of your being the closer you get to life itself so you’ll just feel it when there’s misalignment. Re torpor: Every time there’s further opening there’s darkness and dullness that takes over. It’s ok, you fall asleep and then you can handle the more subtle territory. 
15:50-17:00 def no torpor, mind pretty active, body comfy, just watching the parade of thoughts come and go, occasionally remembering the process of opening and letting go. 
18:20-19:35 why stop there? Conditions were good for a longer sit but for whatever reason ended I think bc of some discomfort in the back. Also getting sleepy 
20:15-19:00 lovely short sit, nothing remarkable. Time for bed

1/31
Slept 22:10-3:30
3:50-5:40 usual pattern, stillness for a good while then a bit of fidgeting 
Lying on couch no deep sleep but a funny dream
6:35-7:20 Zhan zhuang wk7d5Wu chi 17min balloon 15min Wu chi 3min
8:00-9:55 a bit busier mentally than usual, prob due to upcoming meetings with exciting people but still remembering to let go and surrender. 
20:35-21:10 too much activity today and not enough down time before sitting so it seems like better conditions to just go to bed early and wake up early. 

2/1
Slept 21:50-3:40
4:10-6:20 really experiencing the coming and going of all phenomena and the stillness or the absence of phenomena, that’s always there and it’s obscured by the arising of phenomena and revealed in their passing. Moments with that stillness felt deeper and more stable than usual though there were still lots of thoughts and musical ideas coming and going. 
6:20-7:05Zhan zhuang wk7d6Wu chi 17min balloon 15min Wu chi 3min
8:05-10:10 peaceful calm, plenty of thinking just watching the thoughts come and go, a few deeper moments of stillness and a couple of very brief very mild waves of pleasurable sensation passing through the body
21:35-22:15 aiming to sit an hour before bed is kind of arbitrary but also as I understand it the minimum for actually making any progress? Idk I’m just too tired but I had some peaceful feelings and also some brief needle like sensations in right armpit and left big toe that were a little bit surprising but not totally unpleasant 

2/2
Slept 22:40-3:00
3:30-6:30 a couple of moments catching the body slouching and a few yawns and minor fidgets but no serious torpor. A few moments of briefly getting caught up in thoughts but for the most part lots of lovely stillness and even a few moments of the visual field brightening slightly. 
6:35-7:20Zhan zhuang wk7d7Wu chi 18min balloon 16min Wu chi 3minReally felt the energy pumping in legs towards the end, not sure if it was trembling externally or just felt like it. 
8:05-9:15 stillness and excitement as I’m meeting with an exciting person today. Thinking about practicing restraint and renunciation while also being fully human, practicing love without attachment, the risks and rewards and how there’s no need to hurry or worry, stay calm and be fully present. 
Skipping evening sit tonight as it’s been a big day and tomorrow is a big day and the morning is usually the best time for me to sit anyway and I don’t want to be overly rigid about the practice as I’ve already sat over four hours today and I want to sit more but I’m going to listen to my body and go to bed. Meeting w exciting person went about as well as could possibly be imagined, feeling calm yet energized, content and sort of proud of myself for all the work I’ve done to get to this place in life.

2/3
Slept 22:00-2:50
3:15-5:35 no torpor at all not even any slouching but several yawns and fidgets interrupting the usual flow of thoughts and stillness. Noticed a few brief moments of visual field brightening v slightly. Going to lie down for a bit. 
5:40-6:50 no sleep or dreams or at least didn’t feel like it. I’m a bit confused as to what took place there. 
6:50-7:35Zhan zhuang wk8d1Wu chi 18min balloon 16min Wu chi 3minTried not counting breaths and systematically going up and down the body observing the balloons and breathing today and although I still had the vibrating/trembling in legs same as yesterday it was much easier mentally just doing the thing, noticing thoughts coming and going and not trying to direct the mind. I was still consciously relaxing the muscles esp the butt muscles whenever I thought of it. 
8:25-10:05 it’s hard for me to imagine experiencing greater contentment beyond what I’m experiencing now except for seeing the people around me suffering less. I’m so happy to let this process take shape at whatever pace, I’m almost indifferent to progress at this point except for the eagerness and devotion that obviously comes through in my actions. I’m worried that going out of town tomorrow for work will disrupt this flow but I don’t want to be attached to it either. Whatever has come can go and come again. 
18:40-19:30 allowing and accessing stillness but not chasing it or holding onto it. V mild back pain present the entire time. 

2/4
Slept 23:15-3:10
3:40-6:00 less effort and more pleasure though discomfort in butt still present intermittently. I’m not making it as easy as I could by continuing to involve myself in mundane affairs as much as I am. I still see value in cultivating meaningful relationships and performing good deeds but I suspect that will eventually fall away to some extent and probably also return later on. I’m seeing further how even wholesome thoughts and actions are dukkha as they are conditioned and have to arise and pass away. 
6:00-6:45Zhan zhuang wk8d2Wu chi 19min balloon 17min Wu chi 3min
7:40-9:40 familiar pattern of settling into a deep state of calm awareness that eventually gets interrupted. In this sit the interruptions were more subtle than usual, there were the usual thoughts and music but a lot more harder to identify feelings of restlessness or desire for activity, just some sort of rebellion against the stillness. 
22:00-22:45 so tired… so glad I brought my heating pad w me. I’m having a hard time doing two of the things I intended to do at the end of the retreat: keeping my mouth shut about the dharma as I’m not a dharma teacher, and not starting anything new with anyone. With the second item I’ve been coming up with reasons why it’s ok but it’s really not benefiting the practice and I can always look for relationships another time, it’s just old patterns of clinging and scarcity mindset coming up. Letting go of it is incredibly difficult. 

2/5
Slept 22:50-3:35
4:00-5:05 surprisingly noisy in this small town. Gonna try lying down and restarting, hopefully get some more sleep
7:05-9:15 glad I brought earplugs. I’m thinking a lot about the illusion of control and how to effectively let go of it. I first have to recognize it for what it is and not confuse conditioned desires and reflexes with the right effort of consistent practice. Eg the differences between the internal dialogue of “that’s enough sitting for now!” Vs “just a few more moments” and wanting to control other people for their own benefit (which would be gratifying to me.) It also helps me to remember the question “And then what?” when considering any action — if I cultivate meaningful relationships and perform good deeds at the expense of cultivating wisdom and awareness, what comes from that? More karma. If I control someone else and that improves their life and strengthens their own practice that’s still generating more karma for me. Minding my own business is what’s needed and I keep looking for ways to get out of it. It’s irresponsible and unnecessarily risky to get involved with other people’s business because even with the best intentions there’s no way to accurately predict the outcomes. 
9:20-10:05Zhan zhuang wk8d3Wu chi 19min balloon 17min Wu chi 3min
11:05-12:25 letting go feels so good. At the same time I’m recognizing a need to grieve for the life I had imagined, to really let go of those patterns and expectations

2/6
Last night I decided to drive home through an ice storm and predictably enough got into a wreck and now my car is totaled and I’m in the hospital recovering from brain surgery. Seems a fine enough place to practice as I can’t move anyway although a nurse has to come in every hour and make sure I know where I am, right from left, etc. Everyone says I’m healing well and I should be out of the ICU by Monday. I’m not experiencing much pain, just embarrassment and impatience. Planning to make the best of it til I can go home.

2/7
Got home from hospital a few hours ago, had a bath and shower and sat for an hour, now bed. 

​​​​​​​Not feeling much different about mortality or anything, v grateful for the practice and for the friends and family who jumped to help. 

Holy molly bro! Please look after yourself after head knocks, the body really keeps the score on those. I haven't had brain surgery but have had concussions multiple times, id imagine what you went through was worse. Take care of yourself.

All the best bro

Oh wow, that sounds intense. I am unfamiliar with what recovery is like for something like this, but whatever it is, i hope yours goes smoothly without issue

2/8
Slept 21:00-4:50
5-5:50
Lying down for a bit 
7:40-8:25 I’ve lost some of the momentum for longer sits I’d developed on retreat and the experience doesn’t seem as deep anymore but I haven’t lost any enthusiasm, and with the doctors orders to rest body and brain I expect to be sitting a lot in the coming days/weeks. 
10:20-11:20
Zhan zhuang wk8d4 - recovery modeWu chi 7min balloon 5min Wu chi 3min
17:20-18:35 facing the desire to pick up wherever I left off along with the possibility of unintentionally fabricating states of mind. Could I really be doing that? Well it was a peaceful, pleasant sit regardless. 

2/9
Slept 21:40-3, got up and went back to bed til 5:45
6:00-7:20 starting to feel a little more familiar 
7:25-7:50Zhan zhuang wk8d5 - recovery modeWu chi 8min balloon 6min Wu chi 3min
I’m feeling disoriented by how much earlier it’s getting light outside than just last week.
9:50-11:15 feels good to be getting back to it even as challenges that had been previously overcome resurface
22:00-22:50 as usual too tired to sit a full hour. Wishing I hadn’t had such a long break in practice, wishing I hadn’t entertained any thoughts of getting involved in anything with anyone. Grateful to be alive and have friends and family and health and home

2/10
Slept 23:00-2:55
Skipping PT and trumpet practice is giving me an extra hour for sitting!
Pain in head this morning is 1-2 out of 10. Feels like swelling or maybe it’s just the morphine wearing off. Going to refrain from taking any Tylenol and see what happens. 
3:05-4:10 the old impatience resurfacing
4:10-7:20 lying down as distracted by itchy wound and pressure in back of head
7:20-8:20 it’s not general impatience, it’s impatience with old mental habits resurfacing: why am I still thinking about that or in that way? Why is it taking so long for me to just let go?
8:25-8:55Zhan zhuang wk8d6 - recovery modeWu chi 9min balloon 7min Wu chi 3min
500mg Tylenol after breakfast 
9:50-11:15 giving myself grace for having lost skills I’d gained, or more perhaps accurately for having regained unskillful tendencies I’d let go of 
19:20-20:00 no physical discomfort just feeling so ready for bed

2/12
Slept 20:20-12:40, got up and went back to bed til 4:20. Pressure in head pain is 1-2/10
4:30-5:40 feels like I’m waiting for something to happen and all I need to do is let go 
5:40-7:35 lying on couch
7:40-8:10 Zhan zhuang wk8d7 - recovery modeWu chi 10min balloon 8min Wu chi 3min
9:10-10:40 pretty neutral, not unpleasant, lots of mundane thoughts and desires coming and going, not too deep
19:30-20:20 just being patient w my impatience…

I like the multiple short sessions in a day approach, similar to how I do things. Great work, keep it up.

2/13 - Retreat day
Slept 22:00-3:45
4:10-5:20 pain in head is at a solid 2/10, going to lie down
8:00 pain still there and maybe stronger, taking 500mg Tylenol w breakfast 
8:20-9:45 kept thinking about how I have to shovel the snow and apparently taking half the recommended dose of Tylenol decreases the pain by half.
10:20-12:00 shoveled snow, had a cup of tea and this sit felt pretty good. I keep thinking it might be helpful to review my notes from retreat and I keep not doing it. But the main thing remains, just let go. 
12:05-12:45 Zhan zhuang wk9d1 - recovery modeWu chi 11min balloon 9min Wu chi 3min
14:35-15:50 craving familiarity I end this sit with that lovely old friend, torpor
15:50-16:10 lying down not sleeping 
16:10-17:20 walk, tea
17:20-18:00 remembering that any movement of the mind is dukkha yet unable to stay still
18:35-19:20 that felt like longer than it was
21:05-22:20 letting go feels good

2/14
Slept 22:50-2:20
Did full PT routine for the first time since the accident 
2:50-3:55 I guess this is the new pattern. Gonna lie down for a bit now
4-6 idk how much longer I’ll keep doing this bc it doesn’t feel v restful, I’ll usually just have some weird dream and mostly wonder why I’m not practicing mindfulness. I’ve also been noticing how much I see faces that I’ve never seen before in these dreams. 
6-7:10 runny nose, headache, itchy wound, but a good sit anyway
7:15-7:50Zhan zhuang wk9d2 - recovery modeWu chi 12min balloon 10min Wu chi 3min
9:00-10:15 I want to get back to sitting for longer but in order to do that I probably have to let go of wanting it
20:30-22:00 what a blessing to have the doctors orders match the intentions I have for myself: take it easy, do less, avoid any stress or strain… today was busier than usual, going out to run errands and have lunch w friends and then talking a lot on the phone afterwards. I may have dozed a bit during that last sit but it feels good to have done it.

2/15
Slept 22:05-5:55
Skipping PT and taking 1000mg Tylenol w a quart of water, no shame or judgement whatsoever 
6:00-7:45 I’m curious how/if Tylenol affects the meditation process and grateful to not have pounding in my head 
7:45-8:20Zhan zhuang wk9d3 - recovery modeWu chi 12min balloon 10min Wu chi 3min
9:20-10:30 started with a period of watching, noticing separation, eventually forgetting/dropping that and so beginning a longer period of just being, followed by another period of noticing separation, wondering, doubt, reminding myself to just drop the dukkha, and I got up before getting past that period. Still feeling peaceful and relaxed, glad to be able to sit after breakfast. 
20:25-21:10 too tired for high level observations but still enthusiastic 

Thank you! I'd rather do multiple long sessions in a day, as I was doing before the accident, but I trust I'll regain access to those kinds of sessions eventually. 

2/16
Slept 00:15-5:45
Did full PT routine today 
6:10-8:15 remembering, forgetting, remembering to forget, forgetting to remember 
8:25-9:05Zhan zhuang wk9d4 - recovery modeWu chi 13min balloon 11min Wu chi 3min
10:00-11:20 I heard torpor knocking at the door but it didn’t come in to stay
13:40-14:10 instead of napping I chose to sit and enjoy the sensations of relaxation while alert and upright. Got interrupted by roommate leaving and now have to get ready to leave myself

2/17
Slept 00:00-7:25
7:30-8:15 apparently last nights activities took more out of me than I thought. Gonna rest some more lying down on the couch
9:10-10:20 longing for the clarity and simplicity of the end of the retreat and days just after, needing to accept everything as it is
10:35-11:15Zhan zhuang wk9d5 - recovery modeWu chi 14min balloon 12min Wu chi 3min
14:50-16:05 how nice to have the time and space in the day to just sit for a while. Now I’m ready for a nap 
22:45-23:45 interesting that I don’t remember falling asleep but also didn’t hear the bell go off after an hour. So tired.

2/18
Slept 00:00-4:05
4:10-5:55 just sitting. It collapses when I become a self again and expect something to be happening. 
6:00-7:00 lying on couch noticing desire to control, to meddle, to achieve, eventually getting into a dream that felt sort of like a race of some kind
7:05-7:45Zhan zhuang wk9d6 - recovery modeWu chi 15min balloon 13min Wu chi 3min
8:30-9:50 it’s so cold in the attic. When the thing happens where I forget forgetting the self I haven’t found the way back to forgetting. 
19:45-20:50 thank you everyone and good night 

2/19
Slept 21:00-4:00
4:05-5:05 sitting
5:10-6:10 lying down, wandering 
6:10-7:10 sitting
7:15-7:55Zhan zhuang wk9d7 - recovery modeWu chi 15min balloon 13min Wu chi 3min
8:35-9:35 sitting
9:35-9:55 lying down
19:30-20:45 I just want to let go of everything

2/20 retreat day
Slept 23:20-4:40
Did full PT routine today 
5:00-7:30 a couple of stretches but no peeks til the end. Distracted by ideas of desire (somehow kept myself from feeling desire, only noticing the idea of it) and aversion to mild discomfort in butt
7:30-8:15Zhan zhuang wk10d1 - recovery modeWu chi 16min balloon 14min Wu chi 3min
9:00-10:30 feeling groggy after that
10:30-11:35 lying down nearly neatly fell asleep
12:30-2:05 after that I want to nap or walk. Which will it be first?
2:05-15:40 laundry, walk around the neighborhood, tea, reading
15:40-16:40 kept feeling like I’m waiting for something, kept letting that feeling be while also expecting it to pass and it never did or else it kept coming back. V alert and comfy physically but mentally low level agitated. Going to try shower and more tea. 
18:05-19:10 body is nice and calm but mind is still slightly agitated. 
19:40-20:45 just persevering because dedication to the process of letting go is the central priority in my life 

2/21
Slept 21:40-4:50
4:50-6:10 sitting6:10-7:10 lying down distracted, dreamy, fidgety 7:10-8:05 more stillness, noticing the tendency to evaluate and analyze states of mind rather than just notice and let go. 
8:10-8:55Zhan zhuang wk10d2 - recovery modeWu chi 17min balloon 15min Wu chi 3min
9:50-10:55 individual self dissolved for a good stretch there and came back w neighbors blasting music on the street

2/22
Slept 23:55-4:55
Did full PT routine 
5:20-7:20 getting sore and sleepy
7:20-8:20 tried to stay alert but dozed on couch
8:25-9:15Zhan zhuang wk10d3 -Wu chi 18min balloon 16min Wu chi 3min
10:20-11:30 got into letting go mode pretty quick despite neighbors blasting music on the street. Came back to individual self when I noticed a break in the music and then it started again. Also it’s still v cold in the attic
16:00-17:00 pleasant combo of sightly agitated/restless body and calm mind

2/23
Slept 1:30-5:40
Full PT
6:00-8:05 letting everything come and go without attachment or judgement 
8:10-9:10 lying on couch mostly alert
9:15-10:00Zhan zhuang wk10d4Wu chi 19min balloon 17min Wu chi 3minback to where I was before the accident 
11:00-12:30 I suppose noisy neighbors are better than nosy neighbors? That was a nice peaceful sit and the intermittent noise wasn’t really disturbing, but slightly amusing
22:00-23:00 lots to feed the furnace of letting go practice, esp the feeling of loneliness

2/24
Slept 23:10-6:35 - hosting a small potluck yesterday took more out of me than I thought it would
Full PT
6:55-8:35 strange how such a little thing like a neighbor honking their car horn can snap me out of the peaceful state and lead to me ending the session 
8:40-9:30Zhan zhuang wk10d5Wu chi 19min balloon 17min Wu chi 3min
10:30-12:00 noticing a couple involuntary body movements with amusement: the usual slouching/straightening and also some kind of flop with both legs
23:20-23:40 I keep almost falling over (sitting on floor) so I’m just going to go to bed

"lying on couch mostly alert"

​​​​​​​I hate when that happens  

"trumpet practice" 

maybe we can create a new DhO Band? We had one before but we broke up (yes, just like The Beatles)

2/25
Slept 00:15-6:40, did PT til 7
7:05-8:00 no deep relaxation, wondering if it’s better to keep going back to bed after initially waking up around 4-4:30 or if I can go back to getting up when I first wake up
8:00-9:00 horizontal on couch. Wondering where this drowsiness is coming from, is it the changing weather or continuing to recover from the accident or mysteries not worth wondering about?
10:00-12:05 coming to terms with the process of integration, the bumps in the road, etc, how I want to be able to say “I learned this on retreat,” as if I made a permanent change and upgraded to a new and improved, superior ego, but recognizing first of all that a superior ego is not the progress I’m seeking, and second that the insights I experienced need to be rediscovered again and again. I keep seeing the resistance of the ego or sense of self, whatever it makes sense to call it, this resistance and fear of letting go. I know the stillness, silence, peaceful spaciousness that’s available and whenever I wonder what’s keeping me from fully embracing it or surrendering to it, I feel I can be pretty sure it’s just that fear and resistance of that smaller self not wanting to let go. It’s like, “Wait! You’ve invested your whole life in this, you don’t want to drop it now!” But I know I do want to drop it, at least to drop the attachment to it and to allow for the space to enter and exist around it. Must remain patient and perseverrrrrrrrre…
12:15-13:05 Zhan zhuang wk10d6Wu chi 19min balloon 17min Wu chi 3min
21:50-22:50 wow children are just little chaos monsters even when they’re being perfect angels. So much respect and admiration for anyone out there who has kids in their lives and maintains their practice!

2/26
Slept 23:00-4:40, did PT
5:05-6:40 attic sit, not as cold as expected. Thank you long underwear!
6:40-7:40 lying down, strange musical dream
7:25-8:15Zhan zhuang wk10d7Wu chi 19min balloon 17min Wu chi 3min
8:45-10:20 at one point I sort of panicked and peeked at the timer thinking I was going to miss an appointment. So funny how a thought can prompt that kind of action
20:15-20:50 get some rest so tomorrow can be a day of strong resolve

2/27 Retreat Day
Slept 21:05-7:40 no PT
7:40-9:50 letting the thoughts and desires and sensations come and go. Who or what even is the me that perceives these anyway?
10:40-12:20 sitting
12:20-13:20 lying down, a chaotic musical dream
14:15-15:50 sitting
15:55-16:15 walking
16:15-17:05Zhan zhuang wk11d1Wu chi 19min balloon 17min Wu chi 3min
17:10-17:35 walking
17:40-18:15 sitting restless. Letting go is easy because it’s just opening up the hands, the heart, letting everything come and go, no doing, just turning the pockets inside out and letting the dust fall out. It’s hard because it’s new and different and because I’ve spent my life using that dust as protection from discomfort, vulnerability and transformation, and I’ve used that dust to create a sense of self, an identity of my own that I can be proud of and use to pursue and attain desires. The desire to be free from desire goes beyond what this dust can do. 
Time for shower and tea
19:05-20:25 accepting the basic pleasantness of sitting while intending to search for, find and release the increasingly subtle instances of resistance or dukkha that I’ve been holding onto. Idk if it’s working because I don’t want it to be a big effort, just a natural process that unfolds on its own. I hope that’s what’s happening anyway, what I can perceive is generally calm, mild doubts coming and going, and sleepiness at the end of the day. 

2/28
Stayed up late reading, slept 00:30-5:50, did PT
6:10-7:00 feeling so much resistance but it’s too subtle to dissect and consciously comprehend. I suspect it’s coming from an expectation that I’ll have a certain kind of experience sitting (peaceful, profound) and/or it’s coming from some self judgement for going back to bed after initially waking up early, iow consciously choosing to sit less. 
7:00- lying down, less resistance but also less awareness. Its possible that I bring more of an attitude of giving up to the horizontal posture and more expectation when sitting upright 
8:05-9:00Zhan zhuang wk11d2Wu chi 20min balloon 18min Wu chi 3min
9:35-11:00 felt like the pendulum of stillness/turbulence was evening out but I ended it due to the number of things I have to take care of in the mundane world today 
17:40-18:30 tfw you realize you have an hour before you have to leave the house so why not practice for an hour? And then the mind is racing the whole time, why are you practicing? What are you expecting? Constantly letting go, dropping expectations, letting the agitation come and go, but dang it is hard to keep a foot in practice world and the other in the mundane world of relationships and ambitions and worldly obligations. 

3/1
Slept 23:55-5:00 did PT
5:20-7:00 wanted to keep going but I have to be out of the house at 8:45 today
7:05-8:00Zhan zhuang wk11d3Wu chi 20min balloon 18min Wu chi 3min
Not sitting as much as usual today has left me feeing tired but I’m glad I got to visit a friend who just got out of the hospital and also got to go for a long walk in the woods. Playing music for a funeral service in the morning was beautiful as well

3/2
Slept 22:30-6:15, did PT
6:35-8:00 I don’t like this feeling of indecision between starting the day when I wake up (today was a little after 3) vs going back to bed to get more rest. Still this was a nice sit.
8:00-9:00 lying on couch
9:05-10:00Zhan zhuang wk11d4Wu chi 20min balloon 18min Wu chi 3min
10:50-12:45 reconnect with my old friend torpor, noticing head drooping and pleasant sleepiness
21:00-21:40 I’m just feeling caught between desires for worldly fulfillment and the desire for spiritual fulfillment. I don’t like being ambivalent or wishy washy or having a split mind. Looking forward to retreat next week. 

3/3
Slept 22:20-2:10, did PT, shower
2:50-4:45 sitting
4:45-6 lying down 
6:10-7:10 sitting and letting everything come and go, noticing some things go faster than others. A few moments of stillness passing between moments of higher activity and moments of less activity. 
7:10-8:05Zhan zhuang wk11d5Wu chi 20min balloon 18min Wu chi 3min
8:30-10:25 sometimes it gets into noticing the noticing and then it’s time to just let go and relax

3/4
Slept 23:15-6:10 no PT
6:15-7:25 low energy sit w some restlessness 7:25-8:25 restless at first and then kinda dropping out
8:25-9:20Zhan zhuang wk11d6Wu chi 20min balloon 19min Wu chi 3min
10:00-11:00 I wish I could catch that moment when all the thinking dissipates and return to it at will
20:55-21:53 and to all a good night! Loving the idea that the heart and mind are one, the heart is the underground roots, the intuition, etc, and as a thought becomes conscious it passes through stages that remove it from the underground darkness and purity. Meditation is a process of reconnecting with the heart, the intuition, etc, to the point where we can think and act from the heart without the need to question where the impulse comes from. And yes, it’s normal to experience confusion and awkwardness along the way, and to not be sure whether an impulse is coming from the heart or from the mind or elsewhere. Just carry on, try things out, pay attention and see what happens. 

​​​​​​​Very wise.

3/5
Slept 23:20-7:00, did pt
7:20-9:25 noticing self judgement and feelings of impatience, frustration, what’s the point, etc, and letting it all go; experienced some connection with stillness, emptiness, freedom. Also had a visit from my old friend, physical discomfort but nbd. 
10:25-12:00 no discomfort, deep pervading calm punctuated by to-do list thoughts 
15:20-16:15Zhan zhuang wk11d7Wu chi 20min balloon 19min Wu chi 3min
20:45-21:30 a little bit restless, a little bit peaceful, and a little bit sleepy, in that order

3/6 retreat day
Slept 21:50-2:15 did pt
2:35-3:35 sitting alert, subtly agitated, mostly music and food thoughts
3:35-5:40 sleepy dreamy lying down 
6:00-7:00 sitting and the time passed quickly
7:00-7:55Zhan zhuang wk12d1Wu chi 20min balloon 19min Wu chi 3min
8:45-10:30 got all peaceful sitting and then the mind was like wait something’s wrong, can’t be content like this and body was like ok get up and go to the bathroom 
10:40-11:15 sitting on floor, just not as accustomed to it 
12:15-13:00 sitting w mild discomfort in back
13:00-14:50 lying down ended up napping for a good part of that time
15:00-15:30 conversation w K, great encouragement, follow your heart
15:30-16:30 walk, tea
16:30-17:20 sitting with restlessness, a stream of great ideas to share w my students, impatience with the sense of self wanting to achieve a long peaceful sit, wanting to get back to the kind of sits I had towards the end of the last retreat and just afterwards, frustration with the temptations of the mundane world creeping in and crowding out the clarity I’d worked so hard and waited so patiently to find, accepting that this time of day is usually the hardest and a shower will likely help
16:15-19:25 sitting peacefully agitated or restlessly calm, letting everything come and go, staying however long it stays, noticing a lot of self judgement coming and remembering to let it go
19:55-21:00 a bit more calm. Right before sitting opened a random page from Stephen Procter’s MIDL booklet, which came before the fully developed website by a few years, and got two great phrases to work with: “Take One Seat,” and “Embrace each experience as though it’s a suffering child.”

3/7
Slept 23:20-4:10, did pt
4:30-6:00 more silence and stillness, not taking it for granted or judging, just accepting
6:00-7:30 lying down felt empty but not drowsy, time went by fast
7:40-8:40 Zhan zhuang wk12d1Wu chi 3min, first 5 ba duan jin exercises 17min, balloon 19min Wu chi 3min, remaining three ba duan jin exercises
9:10-10:30 this felt more natural, just sitting to sit

3/8
Slept 23:00-5:30 did pt
5:50-6:40 runny nose distracting 
6:40-8:10 lying down 
8:10-9:05Zhan zhuang wk12d1Ba duan jin wk1d2Wu chi + ba duan jin 20 min balloon 19min Wu chi 3min
9:50-10:50 enjoyed a period of pleasantly mild tingling in the legs and torso, otherwise nothing unusual but it’s been a while since I’ve noticed any noticeable physical sensations!

3/9 day 1 of retreat
Slept 22:30-8:30 (daylight savings) did pt
8:50-9:55 music thoughts hard to drop and felt a bit unsettled from having stayed in bed so long but also experienced some mildly pleasant body sensations here and there
10:00–10:50Zhan zhuang wk12d2Ba duan jin 10min, Wu chi 10min balloon 19min Wu chi 3min
11:25-12:20 nice quiet sit w earplugs
12:20-13:05 lying down
14:20-15:20 somehow the earplugs were distracting this time
15:20-16:30 lying down 
16:35-17:10 walk, observing my reaction to hostile comments from a neighbor as I walk by — first, doubt: are they really directing that at me even as I’m not slowing down or looking at them and I walk this way almost every day? Then a sense of potential danger to myself, then sense of sympathy for whatever lack of safety they must be feeling to talk like that to a stranger or to anyone, and finally indifference and returning attention to the body, physical sensations in body and how sights and sounds keep changing
17:35-18:35 noticing how the neighbors comments keep coming back to me and how I want to tell myself it’s because I care so much for people, which I do, but I think that care and concern comes in large part from attachment and desire for acceptance and connection. As I walk around the neighborhood I see myself looking at everything and everyone with curiosity and I suspect that curiosity comes with a sense of longing. It’s smart to be aware of my surroundings but I have a long way to go before I can truly practice situational awareness with indifference. 
Shower, tea
19:25-20:30 despite some fleeting and very mildly pleasant body sensations I'm feeling impatient to be able to sit in stillness for longer like I was doing at the end of the last retreat and afterwards but also knowing progress can’t be rushed. It’s like the honeymoon period has ended and it’s time to accept that it’s just going to be a long time and take continued dedication. I'm impatient for the unraveling to resume. Even though the mind is mostly empty most of the time there's still so much activity and the stillness is either not as pronounced or it's been at this level for long enough that it doesn't seem as noticeable.
Since I slept so much last night I’m going to try going to bed early tonight and hopefully get up before dawn and have a good sit during that time of day before light which is usually the best time to sit for me. 

3/10 retreat day 2
Slept 21:10-3:15 did pt
3:40-5:20 sitting with the fundamental emptiness of all things as they keep forming and dissolving
5:20-8:15 lying down def in and out of sleep, this daylight savings is so confusing 
8:20-9:15 Zhan zhuang wk12d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 19min Wu chi 3minDoing ba duan jin to start feels good and then by the time I get to balloon pose my shoulders are so tired. Kept thinking about giving up today but instead focused on relaxing the muscles, smiling, and really imagining the balloons. There was one distinctive moment of feeling more relaxed than I’ve ever felt doing this but otherwise it mostly just gave the mind something to do.
9:45-11:10 that felt like some tiny bit of progress, letting go of the desire to let go and just sitting, just being
11:10-12:10 lying down and just being
13:20-14:20 so tricky to abandon all effort. Still there were some moments with faint piti up to the knees and later on a feeling of deep relaxation from feet to upper chest
14:20-15:20 walking
15:20-16:20 noticing the observer that remains still while the mind moves around grasping at this and that. Heard the same short musical phrase in my mind dozens of not hundreds of times and just let it play, knowing it’s all part of the process—-Any progress I’ve made has come from giving up and giving up can’t be done with the mind. I have to just let the mind be, let it do mind things and not feed it with attention or any concern, just let it go. 
17:10-18:45 tried a different chair and took a long time to get used to it, sort of reclined and sort of sat upright. It’s one of those zero gravity chairs and it’s really comfy except on the elbows!
19:10-19:45 feeling scattered and distracted by my own pulse. Opened my eyes to a beautiful sunset. Idk if I have any more sitting left in me today, gonna read for a bit and see what happens. 
Any time I read Theravadin practitioners I feel inspired to strengthen samadhi and then I remember K’s advice not to get sidetracked with detours, and that “holding leads to more holding.” Do I have adequate focus in the practice of purely letting go to continue making meaningful progress? I’m so tempted to change methods so I can experience more tangible results. As it is now I am only acting on faith, trying to use the same methods I’ve been using since the last retreat: notice any effort and let it go. But the mind won’t keep still, and doubt keeps creeping in. 
It is just day 2 of retreat and I know this kind of feeling can be expected. I’m seeking that balance of relaxation, allowing myself to catch up on sleep, being gentle with myself, etc. on the one hand, with dedication and ruthless perseverance on the other. 
Going to bed way early to read and meditate before sleep. 

3/11 retreat day 3
Slept 22:00-3:20 did pt
3:40-4:40 the mind is like a child who knows it’s their bedtime but doesn’t want to go to bed, just grabbing at anything. 
4:40-7:40 lying down in and out of sleep like yesterday 
7:45-8:45 lying down, feeling lazy, mental resolve is weak
9:15-10:35 sitting in attic with the refrain of “drop that dukkha” ended due to a coughing fit
10:40-11:40 allowing dukkha to come and go, releasing attachment and feeling more calm and peaceful but still not sitting for as long as I’d like
11:55-12:50 Zhan zhuang wk12d4Ba duan jin 10 min Wu chi 10min balloon 19min Wu chi 3min
13:45-15:00 getting more calm or maybe just sleepy
15:00-15:25 lying down, restless
15:25-16:05 walking, chores
16:05-16:50 sitting mentally calm but physically restless, to do list tasks running in an endless parade 
17:20-18:10 i understand intellectually the strategy is to turn inward, relax and allow, surrender, let go. This is a hard time of day for that with all the noise in the neighborhood. Gonna try doing some serious physical activity and shower and then see how it goes. 
19:25-20:15 felt more calm, keeping mindfulness in the present and allowing thoughts, sounds and sensations to come and go. Idk what’s keeping me from sitting for longer but the only thing left to try is to totally stop caring.

One third of the way through the retreat and it feels like something may be happening but it's subtle af. Really have to let go and stop judging/evaluating. There is nothing to achieve here. I just have to drop the self criticism and accept the irrelevance of any sort of status or even the idea of progress. 

3/12 retreat day 4
Slept 21:30-3:05 did pt
3:25-4:15 that was going well, hard to say why I ended there
4:15-7:30 idk if I should count this time as meditation or not. When I’m awake I’m meditating but I’m definitely spending a lot of this time asleep and not feeling bad about it. 
8:10-9:35 except for a couple of leg spasms that was v peaceful, just sitting as though it’s the most natural thing, no expectations and about as comfy as can be, sitting upright in the zero gravity chair with some padding for the elbows. The whole range of thoughts came and went without agitation. 
9:45-11:20 another easy sit. Effort is not needed and seems to be dropping away. K’s reminder to follow the heart and practice with an attitude of discovery, not mandate, was timely and helpful. 
11:30-12:25 Zhan zhuang wk12d5Ba duan Jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 19min Wu chi 3min
13:35-14:50 had some brain bubbles just for a minute there! Also some pleasant tingling here and there. Plenty of thoughts coming and going throughout leading me to believe it doesn’t matter much what’s going on in the mind, relaxation and letting go can happen regardless, as long as I’m not getting entangled or stressing out. One thing I come back to sometimes is asking where am I right now? Iow, am I in the present or somewhere else?
15:00-16:15 walk, tea
16:15-17:00 sat w double ear attenuation (earplugs and over ear) which effectively created silence but felt unnatural, almost aversive. Pulse and nada sound v consistent though. 
17:00-17:30 lying down listening to my neighbor using power tools, glad that he’s enjoying the weather and his work, eventually reluctantly accepting that this is not a conducive environment for meditation right now. Going for bath and reset then sit in attic
19:05-20:25 feeling v relaxed after that. Again not doing anything special, just sitting and letting it happen. Dropping expectation and remembering the present moment 
The neighborhood is finally quiet but I feel like it’s time for bed now 

3/13 retreat day 5
Slept 21:20-5:50
5:55-7:40 that spacious stillness is always there and it’s not an exciting new experience, it’s just there all the time with ten thousand things occasionally coming and going. I can see how the emptiness and the forms are the same but I’m not forcing the things to stay away or forcing attention to stay with the stillness, just noticing and allowing everything and trusting that the process doesn’t need any interference from me, only awareness. 
8:25-10:15 silly songs on repeat, intense pin point itching at neck a few times and knife like sensations at right side of forehead and top of head but overall mostly pleasant and comfy, mind fairly active just noticing
10:20-11:50 lying down 
11:55-12:50 zhan zhuang wk12d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minSo much easier outside even with neighbor dog barking
13:55-15:10 silence is not available at this time of day. Time to go for a walk
15:10-16:20 walk, tea
16:20-17:15 this time of day is hard but the mind was pretty relaxed with mostly just bits of melody passing through, some faces, and the odd desire to remember some great idea for later
Struggling with unpredictable noises in the neighborhood so did pt
18:15-19:05 struggling with earplugs and struggling without. I’ll just go for another walk, the weather is lovely and then maybe once it gets dark I can sit some more. 
19:05-1950 walk
19:50-20:25 it’s relatively quiet now so idk why I’m having such a hard time with just sitting, I assume it has to do with expectations and I’m not sure how to clear the mind of that or reprogram for ease. The whole “go on retreat in order to… (fill in the blank with anything at all)” has some element of expecting to it. I’m motivated to take time for retreats in order to give the process as much time and space as I can and otherwise stay out of the way, but there’s always this sense of wanting attainment, iow achievement or reward, even as I understand that awakening is much more about giving up or releasing than it is about gaining anything. The knots in the mind that need to be relaxed and allowed to untie are many and tightly woven.

3/14 retreat day 6
Slept 22:00-3:40 did pt
4:00- 5:15 the image I’m coming back to is a leaf floating down a stream
5:15-8:00 lying down
8:35-11:05 sweet blessed silence! What a difference that can make. Nada sound stayed fairly consistent most of the time that I was paying attention to it. At one point it decreased by about 50%, one layer of static sound just disappeared. Otherwise there were fewer thoughts to notice than usual and awareness varied from alert and calm to not really there and back to alert and slightly agitated and back to calm. 
11:15-12:05 lying down listening to pulse which is v consistent 
13:20-14:50 getting increasingly deep into spaciousness with awareness fluctuating between relaxed-alert and relaxed-less alert. Angry sound of a revving car engine snaps sympathetic nervous system to attention and gives a perfect example of how perception happens so fast and immediately leads to judgement and feeling. Why do I interpret that sound as something angry and not as something jubilant? How do I know what anyone else is thinking anyway so why not assume the best? Another example is how I interpret the neighbor dog always barking as sad bc they’re always left outside in all weather with no attention, no walks, not even any grass, just pavement, but that’s all my own projection. The dog barking could be an expression of bliss for all i know. 
15:30-16:20 Zhan zhuang wk12d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minBalloon went by so fast today. Instead of counting or just observing thoughts and sensations I tried putting weight on balls of feet vs heels and all on r side vs all on left and then just went through and relaxed every part of the body with the breath, didn’t even make it as far as the legs today!
16:30-17:00 walk, v little thinking just noticing body sensations and I did find some cute puppies!
17:05-18:00 neighbor has gone from power tools to power tools and loud music. Happy for him! And this sit went better than expected with earplugs in before I entered the space as opposed to putting them in as a reaction. 
Shower, tea
19:30-20:15 can’t sit still for whatever reason, there were even some brain bubbles this time. May try again before bed as it’s finally starting to get quieter in the neighborhood 
Ok I brushed my teeth, it’s all quiet now and I’m not sleepy so I’m reminded of that Jamiroquai song Canned Heat where he sings “Nothin left for me to do but DANCE” except in my mind it’s “Nothin left for me to do but SIT”
20:40-21:10 it’s not all quiet now lol. Have you ever imagined what it would sound like if you could hear plants growing? That’s what I think of when I hear the neighborhood kids running wild after dark, just like wild vines growing and screaming gleefully the whole time. With ear plugs they actually sound like turkeys gobbling which doesn’t contradict the growing vines image. As for my experience sitting, I sat through what felt like a long period of jumpy restlessness and got to a smoother more calm place and decided at that point it’s been enough for today.

Sometimes good meditation is having a great sit. Sometimes good meditation is noticing you can't meditate. It's all meditation, easy judge it but it unfolds in its own way no matter how we wish we could meddle with it. 

Easy judge it! I love that, thank you Bahiya. There's so much judging and being judged in my conditioning and observing that and letting it go is a big part of where I'm at atm. 

3/15 retreat day 7
Slept 00:40-3:30 (neighbors had a party w loud music) did pt
3:50-4:45 feeling calm yet unsettled 
4:45-7:50 lying down 
8:35-10:40 silence + a little bit of rain + no expectations = a pleasant sit, interrupted only by the call of nature 
10:45-11:45 body needs to move but otherwise it was more pleasantness. In retrospect I realize I avoided the trap of having a pleasant sit and then expecting the next one to be as pleasant, I just sat with the same attitude of nothing else to do and nowhere else I’d rather be
13:00-14:50 just feeling so relaxed and grateful. Idk why but “the only way forward is through” comes to mind. 
15:05-15:25 walk
15:25-16:20 Zhan zhuang wk13d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
16:35-17:10 that was going fine but the body needs more movement after qigong, too much energy 
17:20-18:30 walk, tea
18:35-19:40 nothing unpleasant just some mild restlessness here and there and a couple intensely itchy pin points at the back that came and went. Started with some samatha and that skill has been neglected. Some mildly pleasant feelings did develop but nothing like this piti-on-tap I had going last year. Still I’m ok with leaving it for now, tempting as it is to have a simple thing to do, it just feels too effortful and goal oriented for the moment 
20:50-21:35 hard not to judge myself when I resolve to sit for a set amount of time and then don’t, but it’s all part of the process

3/16 retreat day 8
Slept 23:00-6:25
6:25-7:50 nice sit
7:50-8:30 lying down
It’s taken this long for me to be able to just do nothing most of the time and still I have to struggle with my conditioning. On the one hand I’m conditioned to always be striving, working to achieve excellence or at least comfort. On the other hand I’m conditioned to judge myself and others for the effort I or they put forth and for successful results or lack thereof. In this practice I have to set all of that aside but not pretend like it’s not there, just let it be there and allow it to go on its own, iow see it as not-me.
9:10-10:25 there’s a sneaky inner saboteur who just can’t handle this process at all and wants to disrupt it without being obvious about it. I guess it is obvious enough though: attachment, aversion and delusion, that’s more or less what it always comes back to, one or some combination of those. 
10:30-12:30 lying down, remembering that thinking deep thoughts is not necessary, nor is thinking of any kind, for this process to happen. Nothing can help this process other than continually showing up and being patient. Can’t change the flow of the stream, just sit next to the stream and look at it until it becomes enterable, no effort required. 
13:50-15:00 ended due to a totally involuntary fidget which makes me want to investigate and root out whatever is causing that but I know that’s not what’s needed. This process isn’t actually counterintuitive, it’s just very new and strange to start making contact with intuition and becoming aware of it for the first time
15:05-16:00 Zhan zhuang wk13d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
16:05-17:50 walk, tea, reading
17:55-18:40 that was going well with a new cushion setup and then I heard the call of nature. On the plus side now I know how long it takes a liter of water to get through the system 
20:00-20:45 feeling calm and grateful for the silence yet also noticing something subtle that feels like some kind of a blockage. I get little wisps of bliss floating in and then there’s like this subtle wall of tension or resistance that won’t let more in. I’ve tried ignoring it and just generally relaxing, allowing the perception of it to pass, and I’ve tried consciously seeking it out to identify and dissolve it. It’s just dukkha, it’s just this subtle sense of unease, and either one of those approaches is probably equally valid or effective with enough patience and persistence. I’ll aim to be consistent with the method of no effort (or minimal effort), just notice it and let it go as with everything else.

This feels like a tough position atm, having temporarily experienced states without dukkha (or at least very significantly less than ever before) and not being able to do anything to get back there or stay there other than be patient and continue to drop expectations. 

A few reflections on the experience of this retreat as there’s only one day left:
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• Sleeping much more than during last retreat but not feeling more energy or more relaxed, however generally feeling consistently calm and So Nice to have zero drama!
• This environment is not great for consistent silence but it is really nice to be at home
• I wonder what difference it would make if I didn’t read or write at all, I haven’t tried that since the first few retreats I did in a group setting 
• Observing and letting go of the inner judge/critic is a main feature of this retreat — “Easy judge it” will be a good takeaway
• Slightly dreading the return to mundane life and also slightly looking forward to it
• Daily qigong and zhan zhuang seems to help with mindfulness throughout the day, paying attention to whether I’m using energy vs using muscles to perform simple tasks and generally increasing body awareness

3/17 retreat day 9 (last day)
Slept 00:30-5:45 did pt
6:05-7:30 such a noisy time of day! I also recognize this tendency to associate getting up as soon as I awake with enthusiasm and motivation, clarity of purpose even, and staying in bed or going back to bed after getting up at 2, for example, with avoidance, reluctance, confusion or even dread. 
8:15-9:35 pesky bio needs interrupting 
9:35-11:45 noticing sounds and sensations, both mildly pleasant and mildly unpleasant, and musical phrases in my head
11:50-12:50 Zhan zhuang wk13d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 22min Wu chi 4min
13:50-14:15 walk
14:40-15:40 something about this time of day, my heart is racing and mind is wandering like mad
16:05-17:30 walk, rescued a baby rabbit with an injured leg from the park. No idea what to do now. I would’ve left him there but I’d just read something about how practice isn’t about making life easier for yourself or getting what you want, it’s about serving all life without placing yourself at the center. So now I have a little rabbit on my porch. I just put him in a box with a dish of water and some veggies and I’m planning to sit for a while until it starts getting dark and then maybe end the retreat early if I have to and take him to an animal rescue place or something 
18:00-18:55 sitting with a lot of awareness of a pounding heart which I interpret as some subtle kind of emotional unease, even when body sensations are mostly neutral or mildly pleasant. I’d love to “figure it out” or do something to resolve it but I also understand that practice isn’t only about feeling good, it’s also about sitting with the discomfort. Even when it can’t yet be named or consciously understood it can simply be experienced and allowed to be. 
21:40-22:25 last sit of this retreat just really paying attention to any attempts to control the experience. It’s endless and just gets more and more subtle to where the mind loses its grasp, which I suppose is the idea. 
edit: the rabbit has been picked up by a neighbor friend who does wildlife rehab