I am a 56 year old woman, fitter welder. Just as butch as you would think that job title requires.

I am having pain in my left leg, roving pain, burning at night, not allowing me to sleep or meditate.

I also have scoliosis, hip and back trama, a bad left knee and multiple avulsion fractures both sides.


This pain is causing me to not keep my precepts. I have forgiven everyone who dropped the ball but they all dropped the ball.

I have a probably not at all related 2.5 cm lesion on my femur exactly where I injured myself at work 20 yrs ago, running a probably 1000°, .035, mig welding wire into my leg.

I have left socket/femur pain.



this is nuts man, but if I was to wonder what boiling out my dross looked like ....this would be it. I can't sleep, I feel so nuts man, I had every encounter with a new person on the medical journey fail,  and I can't get mad at them for it, it is fucking me up! I forgave them all then went to a new hospital and had every encounter with a new person fail there. But I had only a few hrs sleep and a panic attack in the car, my wife left my scan at home 130 hrs away and we were on the turnpike we had to drive an hr or so to turn around.

is the pain some kind of cycling? 

today after the second night of no sleep I did get mad and was mean, I feel I have to go apologize. 

​​​​​​​can anyone here help me

I still believe I am an i but the I I am is different depending on what I'm doing

I hope I'm being hyperbolic on the dieing

I started keeping a pain log, it moves 0 start of day .05 for a while to a 3 at night with burning 

sorry if I jump around, that is how my brain works but it is worse now, its a bird that won't land

The 2.5 cm lesion was found in April I didn't know until Halloween, they gave me the wrong scan and said I couldn't get and mri because of metal in my leg. They wouldn't re-read the wrong scan that was latter read and prompted them to order a bone scan that wasn't done because they didn't use the right words.


More much more but I don't have time

I feel like I'm going to die

​​​​​​​But I could make myself feel fine if I could find a life line. 

I have a strong daily practice, no teacher unless you count Daniel, I really love mornings I get to sleep in, I can push a ball of light around with my eyes.

I find Conor Harris' Biomechanics work to be the only thing that has ever helped me with bodily dysfunction stuff. 

​​​​​​​Tell us more about your practice. 

Ugh, pain sucks. Sorry you are going through this. 



I'm not a doctor (or a meditation teacher really) but I think looking for a meditation/dark night related cause for this would be the LAST thing I would explore. You have enough physical stuff going on that you want to rule that out first.

For example, with scoliosis/hip and back trauma, you could be getting nerve impingment and referred pain down your leg. Or you could have the beginning of peripheral vascular disease, which I'm only saying now not because I think it is likely, but because I just read about it in "Heathy Heart, Healthy Brian" by Bale and Donneen and some of the symptoms line up. 

Definitely go the medical route in this situation... and meditate while you are sitting in the doctor's waiting room

By the way, a little bit of righteous anger is perfectly fine. No need to be a sterotypical nice buddhist in every situation. Sometimes we need to harness our frustration to keep us motivated and working on solving a problem. I'm sure there is a doctor out there that can help you. They are out there. You just need to find them.

Best wishes Vanessa!!   

Hi Vanessa,

Sorry to hear this.

I would like to suggest to you two books that changed my life (and the life of many others) with pain issues.

Long story short, even with real physical diagnosis, it is very often the case that with chronic pain, it is the brain sending pain signals that no lopnger need to be sent (like false alarms). The physical pain is real. It's just that the brain has become hyper-reactive and continues sending pain signals when it is no longer necessary. This mechanism can be stopped, without medication.

Even if it turns out not applying to you, I think it's worth trying. Research 'Pain Reprocessing Therapy'. It's a proven method.

Book 1: 'Healing Back Pain' by Dr. John E. Sarno. This is an older version of the program mentioned above but highly effective even just by reading it. And not just about back pain. Sciatica and multiple other pains are addressed.

Book 2: 'The Way Out: A Revolutionary, Scientifically Proven Approach toHealing Chronic Pain' by Alan Gordon and Alon Ziv. This book has some updates in the scientific understanding of what is explained in book one, and expanded techniques from book 1.

Best wishes in becoming free from pain and in your practice,

​​​​​​​Benoit

Your body is screaming for attention physically, emotionally, and energetically. The pain, lack of sleep, and medical mishaps & challenges point to intense frustration & overwhelment - intense in that these emotions are felt, but are yet to be acknowledged as emotions and allowed to be fully felt and to process & release underlying trama.

The lesion and your injuries may be manifesting as focal points for this imbalance, while the roving pain and burning sensations suggest nerve involvement, possibly linked to your scoliosis or hip trauma.

The cycling could reflect a deeper energetic emotional process and “boiling out dross” fits. The repeated failures with medical care mirror an internal struggle for trust and support, both from others and within yourself. Anger and forgiveness cycles highlight a conflict between wanting peace & inner harmony and feeling invalidated or unseen in your pain.

You are holding so much, and it’s reaching a breaking point. Your body, emotions, and energy are demanding release, alignment, and rest. A lifeline may look like radical self-prioritization: seeking a skilled, trauma-informed healer (medical and or energetic, ideally wholistic), focusing on small, grounding practices, and not abandoning yourself as it were in conceptualizations of emotions felt, like anger as 'mad', or frustration as 'frustrating' or 'frustrated'.

You’re carrying so much with such strength and resilience. Even in the storm, there’s clarity and truth in you. You’ve got this! ♥️

Sounds to me like you have physical pain caused by physical symptoms, injuries, lesions, and so on. This does not sound like pain caused by a spiritual practice. Keep looking for a good doctor!

I was able take the right combo of meds to sleep last night, I still have the roving pain. No burning last night. 

Thank you everyone, you voices made me feel better, I have to help my family today, I will try to respond to everyone this evening. 

Again  thank you, sending metta

I will check it out, thank you.

I started out listening to Michael Sealy, detachment from over thinking over 5 yrs ago. YouTube led me to the community and Buddhism, Daniel, Delson, twim, Viking Guru, Leigh, Rob, Samaneri Jayasara. ...ect. 

I'm a married lay householder with a disfunctional demanding family.

I've never been on a retreat. The closest I've been is when I was flipping a house alone and I spent all my free time in meditation. Given a choice now, I would spend all my time in meditation. I believe thc is a lube. I practice in bed before sleep usually 3 to 4 hrs. I've thought I was enlightened so many times its kind of a joke to me now. Its cool if it ever comes but I don't need it, (my life is so much better now! My familys lives are so much better now) all I want is a quite place to meditate and for my family to be happy and safe.

I'd be ok with keeping my crazy leg, I'd be ok with losing it, I would probably just sit around breathing air...I do love air! I also love walking in the woods and I would definitely miss that.

The PA Ortho Onc that called me a lier doesn't think it's cancer and she doesn't belive i accidently put a mig wire cherry into my leg 20 yrs ago. She thinks I'm a drug seeking lunatic.

She doesn't know how lucky she is I'm a Buddhist. The before meditation me might have went to jail!

I couldn't sleep because of the pain, I got up and couldn't think. I had to make it to the appointment, ( I still have the pain and a part of me still thinks its going to kill me and I'm going to die, my pain is a 1 as I type but it moves.) It took months to get, and multiple hoops, I felt if I missed it I would die.

My adult developmentally disabled son was put out having to go...I burst into tears..we recovered and adjusted and he stayed home and his GF went with us (I just realized it was also another holiday, MLK and Nazi inauguration day.)

My wife forgot my wrong but usable scan at home, and then as we were going down the turnpike at 75 85 tried to get mad a me when I asked if she had it.. I couldn't hit her with my second arrow and I couldn't take her hitting me with hers. We had to drive further away to turn around, I tried to get my son to drive my truck to us but he didn't feel he could, I didn't hit him with my arrow but he hit himself with his and I couldn't stop it.

this really feels like hell man

 we canceled my appointment 

I had the worst panic attack I've ever had in my life.. 

I realize that was not the details of my practice that i intended to Wright.

My mind is a bird, it always was but it used to land.

​​​​​​​I'm tired 

Hey Vanessa I'm a fellow welder too!

CBD oil is being used more and more for pain relief and could be an temporary but immediate solution for your physical pain, im sure there are other supplements that can help. There are also supplements that can help with stress and could be of benefit for your partner too. I found that L-theanine helped alot with stress in the past. Again these are temporary fixes that could give you some immediate relief. Consult a doctor/therapist to give you long term solutions with pain and relationships.

Meditation is awesome, we all know that, but won't nesscessarily give you everything that you need right now and may even make navigating all those things even more difficult, particularly if you're cycling through stages, it becomes a bloody rollercoaster! Id say thats why you feel like you're all over the place.

Theres alot on your plate right now, so be good to yourself and don't overburden yourself with meditative practice, you have to be in it for the long run!

​​​​​​​Take care.

Thank you all for becoming my wholesome contacts! 

The med combination is working, I have an appointment with my primary.

I'm right at this moment having a hard time getting my thoughts out, I'll try again later, 

Thank you again everyone, I don't feel crazy anymore

Thank you, I'm making a reading list, I didn't have this pain in this way, until the 7th, I originally went in for knee pain, (a yr ago)but now we have gotten all of the band back together and picked up new members.
​​​​​​​
thank you

Thank you, and all of you for making me feel seen and heard. 
Its a blessing to hear from people with the same morals, walking the same path, I don't think a non Buddhist could understand.
thank you thank you thank you. 

I'm sending metta

Cool, guess your the only other welding Buddhist I know. 
​​​​​​​
 I'll check out the cbd oil, my wife got me lidocaine roll on and patches, they are helping. I'm not where I was when I made this post. 

Stopping the pain and getting sleep helped alot so did feeling yall understand me, thank you again.


My life has been a roller coaster for some time. I feel I could just happily rest in equanimity if my life would stop kicking me in the teeth.
 nite yall, I'm gonna eat some ice cream 

Just an update, I have regained my wholesome mind state, I feel tons better. I got meds and more Xrays and a ultrasound. 2 radiologist conferred with my primary and agree I need the Bone scan with Nuclear, its progressed from the April fools day xray the sclerosis is worse. He thinks its possibly periostitis, he also called me at home for the 3rd time and it was after 5. Crazy!

So looking forward to not feeling i have to convey my pains to anyone.. its been a while.

​​​​​​​Sending metta

   There might be a problem with taking cbd if you are using thc. They compete for the same receptors, which will diminish your thc high if you take cbd.

   If you are dependent on opioids and they aren't giving you enough, that can be the worst thing. Not being able to sleep due to withdrawal can lead to soe very unpleasant mental symptoms.

   I regularly do brazing, and once fired a piece of wire brush into my eyeball. A giant magnet at ucla extracted it. I've also done arc, wire fed and gas welding and have the scars to prove it.

Get as much rest on the hurting parts as you can, give them a chance to heal. Eat well and avoid unecessary stress. Stay hydrated.

Try to see the nature and interrelatedness of karma.

Thanks dude! I wrote out a long ball bag reply and deleted it, but just getting it out helped and having someone to tell it to helps, thank you!

Thanks everyone 

I got better meds, my blood work looks funny similar to lupus blood work.

Recounting any of it makes me ball..

and I'm to loopy to do anything but meditate!

Absolutely cool if i can stay ahead of the pain!

​​​​​​​Thanks again

All the best to you. That sounds wild .

> Absolutely cool if i can stay ahead of the pain!

Pain sucks, even the Buddha had his limits. But you can surpass him. That's what it means: You see the Buddha, you kill him.

If you feel like you can't meditate, you will still be with experience, it's not like we can be away from experience, so don't see it as wasted time .

I'm feeling much better, my labs (that my dr didn't mention Monday when they told me to wait until next Monday(in horrible torturous pain) to get the referral for the bone scan because that's when my insurance kicks in.) Are leukocytes abnormal, Hyaline cast high, ANA titer all are "1:80" and >=1:60 is considered significant? What ever any of that means, wonder why my dr didn't mention it when he told me about my a1c being lower again. (I think its the red light therapy.)
I got liguid iv and bananas, I've been drinking continuously, yesterday I was sure I was dying in front of my family. That was hell! I was holding the wall and countertop trying to go to the bathroom for a few days. Last night as I drank and ate bananas, I could feel my body loosen and relax, I could comfortably stretch and move almost all of my mobility has came back, if I walk to fast I hurt the leg, but, I can walk.

My mind keeps spinning the fuck ups and the blow out at the 1st ER so my practice is suffering but last night white rings of light started at my head and flowed forward and they shrank, that was new and pretty cool, 

I am much better! My leg still hurts, I can't stop the pain meds.

thank you, I'm sending metta

I'm starting to really enjoy emptiness, crazy that I've been running away from it my entire life.

Hi again, fellow welder, how are you?

seeing the nature and interconnectedness of Karma make me think i had this coming. I used to hunt, I've done much much worse than this to innocent animals. I wish I could take it back but I accept that as it is. 
 
I had rust ring drilled out of my eye because I waited over night to go to the dr.  A magnet would have been much better! 
lol I'm covered with welding scars, at Air X (where I stuck the red hot mig cherry in my leg) I was a structural fitter welder, (progress! i feel the desire to use my usual brag but i don't have to) we welded everything in position, alot of over head mig spatter is hard on your body and clothes. A bra is not at all helpful! Every once in a while my boobs do get in the way.

Thank you for the cbd suggestion, I had a thc/cbd for sleep gummy,, i took last 2 nights really helped me sleep, thank you.

thank you everyone, sending metta.

Just asked Claude.ai (great when it's running th long Sonnet version not the short Haiku one).

1. Leukocytes (abnormal): These are white blood cells - think of them as your body's defense force. When they're abnormal, it usually means your body is fighting something, like an infection or inflammation.

2. High Hyaline casts: These are tiny tube-shaped proteins found in urine. Having more than normal could suggest your kidneys are working harder than they should be, kind of like a filter that's getting stressed.
3. ANA titer of 1:80: ANA stands for Antinuclear Antibodies. Think of these like security guards that got confused and started checking IDs of your own body's cells instead of just intruders. When this test shows >=1:60 (meaning 1:60 or higher), it can suggest your immune system might be attacking your own body by mistake. This is often seen in autoimmune conditions, where your defense system gets confused and starts fighting your own tissues.

The fact that your friend is in pain and these tests are showing these results suggests there might be some inflammatory or autoimmune process going on. It would have been helpful for their doctor to discuss these results, as they could be relevant to understanding their pain.<

As for the A1C being lower (which measures average blood sugar over the past few months), that's actually good news, whatever the cause may be.

-----
I can recommend it. Imagine having a conversation with the nicest most patient doctor whom you can always ask for a simpler or more detailed/complex explanation and at the same time can be emotionally nice. Not our stressed, traumatized human doctors. Of course, it makes mistakes as well but probably not more than most human doctors. I asked it for advice with my backpain recently and it was much more chill than talking to a doctor/physiotherapist who I am paying a lot of money for their hard work.

May you be well.

Hi Vanessa, fellow welder here.

Don't take karma personally, you can't escape it so accept it with grace and learn, we all have to do it! You're not any worse then the average human and I'm glad you can learn from your experiences!

I know how hard welding is on the body. I switched from on site stick welding to tig welding but want to down tools all together and try to find an inspector roll. I enjoy the sense of craftsmanship I get from welding but I'm getting tired of it honestly and want to look after my eyes, lungs and body in general. Maybe do the odd personal project here and there.

I'm glad the gummies worked. I don't think supplements are a permanent solution, but you can find stuff that can really help you out. It gives you some respite while you tackle the problem from a different angle.

Lots of love,

Take care

PS. Terry, I don't mind brazing but don't do any of it myself. I particularly enjoy seeing it done on bike frames or what not. Personally though, I'm a tig snob, I find it's the most rewarding for me

I'm unsure how to reply with quotes but " it would have been helpful for thier Dr. to discuss the results" CRACKED me up!  I agree Claude. I agree!

I'm feeling tons better, trying to back off the meds, im sleeping and I think the inflammatory response was from the PA busting the one lump into two, I have bruising there now. I saw an ortho today that says I should get the MRI and Bone Scan and PT. I forgot to tell him about my labs, until I was walking outside lol

I have the gaba at the right level and I'm able to sleep.

Im cool with Claude for my Dr.. its already an improvement. 

Just realized i was holding to a fixed view, i let that go, ok ill double check the ai with the real world dr. Lol

​​​​​​​Thank you very much for taking the time, made my evening 

Inspecting is the way to go, way easier on the body!&nbsp;<br />I love welding though, I always have, when I was a little kid and my mom told me not to look at the bright light, I thought it was cool.&nbsp;<br />I'm pretty tired, ill check back later,,.<br /><br />Terry,, I've never brazed it bet it's a blast.<br /><br /> 

Im really happy to hear that you're getting better, you also sound like you're in better place now Vanessa. Well done for getting yourself back on track and looking after yourself. No doubt family and friends would be happy to see you well too, hugs all round! 

All the best

Jure 

Definitely better, I think the Gabapentin was a game changer, the Ortho was worried about my lower back, referring the pain.

I'm waiting outside the hospital for the radiation to circulate for the scan.
My mindstate is much better. Loosing faith in my primary. 
I'm moving better and easier. It sucks that I drug my 9yr old through this, I wasn't planning on having a panic attack in the car doing 75 down the turnpike. 
probably caused some emotional trauma. There i go with the second arrow. 

Im so excited for welding/brazing Buddhist!! Who knew? Should we start a club or a sangah? Or just let it be as it is? Lol

The bone scan showed no cancer and didn't even mention the lesion. So no new activity. Good news, appt with pain management on monday.

"We die only once, and for such a long time" - Moliere