Hey everyone,I’m really struggling in life right now, especially with some ongoing health issues. At this point, I don’t feel content doing anything but meditation, and I have an urgent desire to make real progress as fast as possible—both for my own well-being and because I want to be prepared for death whenever it comes.I’m seriously considering going on a 1-, 2-, or even 3-month retreat, but I’m still pretty new to meditation. I’ve practiced a little, but nothing intensive. Would jumping straight into a long retreat be a bad idea? Has anyone here done something similar and can share their experience?I also have some immune and lung issues, so I can’t afford to get sick. Because of that, I’m looking for a retreat center where I wouldn’t be in close contact with visitors coming and going. Does anyone know which retreat centers might have isolated sections or separate buildings where long-term retreatants stay? I’m in Pittsburgh, but I’m open to traveling if the conditions are right.Alternatively, would it be possible to do a long retreat at home, like a month-long intensive, while working remotely with a teacher? Can I expect to make meaningful progress that way, or would being in a formal retreat setting be much better?My ultimate goal is to free myself from suffering within this lifetime. If anyone has recommendations for a retreat center or guidance on my approach, I would deeply appreciate it.Thanks so much.

Do you believe in rebirth or reincarnation? 

Would you prefer to not experience rebirth or reincarnation? Do you desire pari-nibbana? 

Im trying to understand your motive  

​​​​​​​May what ever you decide be of benefit to you and all beings! 

I appreciate your response. Honestly, I’m not too well-read on Buddhism in a scholarly sense, but I’ve spent a few hundred hours listening to Dhamma talks, reading bits here and there, and learning from others’ meditation experiences.Right now, my view aligns with the original Theravāda teachings on Buddhist rebirth. I want to practice Mahasi noting with the goal of achieving stream entry in this life so that I’m guaranteed Nibbāna. I don’t want to leave this life without at least some level of path attainment.I’ve heard the monks at Hillside Hermitage mention that only stream entry protects you at death—otherwise, you fall back into the cycle of saṃsāra. The optimist in me believes that whatever effort I put in during this life will carry over and bear fruit in future rebirths, but I honestly don’t know for sure. That’s part of what drives me to practice seriously now.

I’m also meditating on my current ill health, and while sometimes it helps propel my practice, I often run into a mental block. It’s hard to breathe, and I try to meditate as normal while noting the mental agitation I feel. It does help to some extent, but I find myself wanting to leave meditation as quickly as possible.At the core of it, I just want to be free from suffering. I don’t want to die feeling like I lived an unfulfilled life or without having made real progress on the path. The uncertainty of it all weighs on me, but I’m doing my best to keep practicing.

Trying a home retreat might be a good option, especially if you're dealing with health issues.  Structure seems to help i.e. having a schedule: start at a certain time, alternate period of sitting and walking meditation, planning to do mainly one certain technique or intentionally interspersing vipassana with smaller sessions of metta, etc. 

If your goal is meaningful progress in insight I think one thing to consider is that the path is really more of a marathon than a sprint.  Meditative experience takes time to develop and deepen, and relax into.  In the context of a sustainable ongoing practice of meditation and off cushion mindfulness, a week or two of retreat can provide a meaningful boost.  But simply going hard in meditation for a few weeks isn't necessarily a winning recipe for insight IMO without that greater foundation.

And another thought - in my experience, stream entry (aka initial meditative insight) less obviously guarantees greater spiritual salvation than simply provides a certain stable minor / initial degree of mental clarity and connection with a greater, more ultimate realm of experience. 

I know health issues can be rough and many of us deal with a wide variety of sufferings in our lives.  And people often seem to look to attainment on the path as a kind of silver bullet for their issues.  But it might be helpful to reframe it as just a kind of unique perceptual shift into contact and communion with a slightly deeper level of mind, and the first of many levels of progressive experience.  Yes, it helps: decreased mental clutter / neurosis, enhanced mental space, calm and clarity, but it can also be relatively subtle.  Not to dissuade you in any way, just potentially a more realistic framing.

I'm also in poor health, with a fairly short life expectancy, due to heart failure, so I can relate to how this complicates things. I'm sorry to hear that you are having trouble breathing. That must be difficult. Culadasa, who was an exceptional meditator, and had trouble with his lungs late in life, spoke about how difficult it is to feel OK when you cannot breathe well.

I get the sense that you have a lot of time to devote to meditation now. That being the case, as well as Mahasi style noting, you might also look into various forms of what we might call relaxation meditation, which emphasize the samatha side of the vipassana/samatha pair. Have you tried things like MIDL, TWIM, or TMI? I'm asking, in part, because having the ability to gently be with experience and to generate some pleasant feelings can be very useful when we are unwell. These skills are also useful when navigating some of the jarring effects of noticing practice and the strain of maintaining mindfulness of suffering for long periods of time. One other thing is that, in a sense, they are very fast. Some people find that they can gain access to some relaxation and joy in just a few weeks. This is not the end of suffering in the sense of permanent uprooting of suffering, but even the temporary fading or suffering and the end to individual instances of suffering can teach the mind to see what is like when suffering ends. This can be both a great benefit in the immediate moment, and a great opportunity for insight that bears fruit in time. 

You might also want to think about starting a log here to record your practice. Not only does it make it easier to see how things are changing, it gives other readers here an idea of where you are, which would make it easier for them to provide useful answers to questions about thing like retreats. 

I have only done self guided and teacher guided solo retreats from my home and found them to be enough. Structure something where you can be somewhere familiar, be safe with your medical issues, and do a 7-10 day retreat, or even a weekend retreat. See how you do. Meditate more, do another retreat when you can. Be compassionate to yourself. Retreats can be rough, jumping into the deep end as a newby may, unnecessarily, turn you off to meditation entirely or actually be harmful. I wish you health.

 Here's some thoughts:

* Start researching/collecting guided meditation recordings and do these at home. Enjoy the exploration of finding teachers and guidance that works well for you.
* Start doing walking meditations at home.
* Start listening to dharma talks at home.
* A typical long retreat schedule is about 8 sits, 8 walks, 2 dharma talks a day. Explore doing this amount of practice in a day. Don't push yourself too hard, too fast. That's not kind to yourself and it won't work anyway.

Here is some basic info on the IMS retreats: FAQs About Retreats – Insight Meditation Society
Here is a huge collection of dharma talks and retreat recordings: Dharma Seed

There are more online meditation teachers and online retreats that ever. I can't personally recommend any in particular, but they are out there.

Ben, it also sounds like you have some worries about death. My hunch is that you would also benefit from learning about death (not just from a buddhist scripture view) and starting to face that fear directly. I'll bet there are good books about this and I bet there are lots of knowlegable and kind-hearted therapists that have helped people come to grips with the possibility of death. Now might be the time to look for that kind of help, too.

In other words, it's usually good to face fears as directly as you can. Those fears are probably going to show up in meditation anyway -- you don't use meditation to push thoughts away, but rather you welcome everything including the scary thoughts and worries. Frankly, facing death more directly will probably also make you a better meditator. But make sure you get lots of support for this. If you are able to work directly with another human, that would probably be best.  I'll bet there are free resources online for reading and for finding help.

Best wishes Ben.
 

Ben, when I read your first post I sense fear. Fear as in you have a strong need to escape something. I've had that. I know what it feels like. What do you need to escape?

BTW, I could easily be wrong, so feel free to ignore this if that's the case.

You’re absolutely right—I am a very fearful person. I struggle with health issues that paralyze me mentally. When my symptoms become difficult, it’s not just the discomfort that affects me but the deep awareness of my own mortality. I feel like I had a chance in this life to practice the Dhamma wholeheartedly, and I squandered it.I fear samsara. I have unwavering faith in the Buddha’s teachings and see them as the only true escape from suffering. I practice diligently, day and night, applying the teachings as best I can, but at times, it feels like something is blocking me. Despite not being raised Buddhist, I have rarely broken the five precepts in my life. I feel like I have built enough sila to support my meditation, yet fear still clouds my mind, making it difficult to feel any lasting peace.I don’t know what to do. I’m only 25, yet I face severe health problems, and I don’t know how long I have. Meditation gives me temporary freedom from my mind’s grasp, but as soon as I leave that state, the suffering returns. My deepest desire isn’t just to achieve something in this life—it’s to stop identifying with my pain, to stop clinging to self-views, and to truly let go.

I get it. 

How do you practice? What methods do you use?

The path takes time, and that's a huge pill to swallow when we're afraid and want things fixed right now. The fear you're facing is all in your mind, and the only way to "fix" it is to understand your mind. You can manage that process. Get curious about how your mind works because understanding that is the key to releasing the fear.

But, why escape suffering!?
It is not too bad, afterall.

Come on, let's suffer together, it is not the end of the world..

Well, the idea is to understand suffering, not to suffer just for suffering's sake.

I don't mean suffering for the sake of suffering, but I feel it is pointless to try to escape it. That only causes more suffering.

To experience whatever the current experience is. It's sometimes good sometimes bad sometimes ugly.

There is a difference between difficulty and suffering

Yes, Siavash. We should allow suffering but try to understand the mechanism of its creatiion.

BTW - I'm glad to see you actively posting again  

I was trying to explain to my 8-year-old son what suffering is and the difference between pain/hurt and suffering in terms of awakening (he actually asks many questions even though I never really talk about this stuff, he gets annoyed or bored easily)

So I used a simile Chris Marti once told; You might hit your finger with a hammer while hitting a nail and it will hurt but then you keep on hitting your finger more with the hammer on and on, and saying this hurts so much!!!  Auch!!! Auch!! AUUUUCH!!!! And my son laughed He said with a huge grin "its so stupid to continue to hit yourself with that hammer!" I said yes Thats it! This is how we suffer Seeing how this comes to be and quickly realizing this even in very tough situations IS freedom from suffering. But then ... anicca gets it all Gotta be fresh! Can't drag on the passed-away awakening from a moment ago! No recycling is allowed in this game!