I decided to share my experience of taking a 10-day Vipassana course. My first Vipassana retreat happened seven years ago in Sri Lanka. It was a difficult but highly transformative experience that felt like it replaced years of psychotherapy. I was delighted and recommended Vipassana as a must-have to every friend and acquaintance.In January 2024, I was at the peak of stress—I had just moved to the USA, left my corporate job, and started a startup in a completely new industry. I had no friends or relatives in this new country, and I didn’t have legal immigration status to stay in the USA.Then I remembered Vipassana and decided that 10 days of silence were exactly what I needed.My intention for Vipassana was to get rid of my fears, eliminate anxiety, and understand what I truly wanted.Even in the first few days, my body easily adapted to meditation. I could effortlessly glide my breath over my body, feel every cell, and enter a state of deep rest and sensory observation. Unusual sensations started on the second or third night, but at first, I didn’t realize that something was going wrong. I would lie awake at night, unable to sleep—this is called yoga Vipassana, where heightened sensitivity and low energy expenditure make just a couple of hours of sleep sufficient to feel alert. I had experienced this during my first retreat, so it didn’t concern me.Then I began to feel what I call a mix of Alzheimer's and OCD. The next day, we started a practice where, three times a day, we had to sit in absolute stillness for an hour. Sitting still wasn’t difficult for me. However, sometime after lunch, the Alzheimer’s-OCD sensation returned. This time, I suddenly couldn’t remember the name of one of my friends. I don’t know exactly how long it lasted—maybe a couple of hours.Then came the evening stillness meditation. I started as usual, but at some point, I felt a powerful blow to my head, as if someone had struck me with a heavy stone slab. My vision blurred, and I saw a sign that said STOP. A wave of horror—stronger than anything I had ever experienced—washed over me, and I knew that if I continued, I would lose my mind. I stopped meditating. We agreed that I would stay for the night and leave in the morning.Of course, I couldn’t sleep. Instead, I decided to try meditating again to see what would happen. What followed was one of the most extraordinary experiences of my life. As I mentioned, I could easily enter a state of flow and control energy. Lying there, I began rolling massive fireballs of energy from hand to hand. I saw how my body was made up of the tiniest atoms, all interconnected, and I realized I could control them with sheer willpower. My physical form disappeared—I couldn’t see or feel it. There was only my mind, and that was everything. I was part of the world, and the world was part of me. I saw how negative thoughts darken atoms, how good deeds make them shine, how sadness and depression turn them gray. In this state, I asked: What about God? And then… they showed me God—or at least, I felt what it means to be omnipresent and omnipotent. I saw God in every atom, in every particle of existence. It was an incredible experience. I decided to stay and continue.Later, I spoke with the teacher, and she told me, You’re going too fast. I didn’t understand what she meant.That afternoon, we had another stillness meditation. Five minutes before it ended, I was hit with another blow—this time directly to my forehead. It was so powerful that I lost consciousness for almost an hour. My ears buzzed as if I were rapidly ascending in an airplane. Everything swam before my eyes, my head rang, and I could barely see. I lay down, and eventually, the sensations subsided. But of course, it terrified me. I went to the teacher and asked what it meant. She simply said, Don’t worry. You most likely encountered your fear.The next day, I felt completely drained. I couldn’t feel my body, I couldn’t meditate—my sensations had vanished. By evening, they still hadn’t returned. That night was a nightmare. A personal hell on earth. All night, I felt as if I were in a psychiatric ward, losing my mind. I’ve never tried hardcore drugs, but from descriptions, it felt like I was on the strongest psychedelic imaginable. It was more intense than ayahuasca. I saw vivid hallucinations. My body vibrated. I was experiencing everything people seek out on ayahuasca—but involuntarily.I went to bed at 9 PM but didn’t manage to fall asleep until 6:30 AM. The nightmare lasted for 9.5 hours. I decided to leave. I was afraid to meditate. I was afraid to sleep. I was afraid that it would come back.I left the retreat. For about a week, my body felt like it was still on drugs. My head spun, my blood pressure dropped. The first four days, I could barely do anything but lie down. I got medical tests, spoke with a psychologist, psychiatrist, and neurologist, had an MRI—everything came back normal. The Vipassana teacher couldn’t explain my condition.Now, I want to understand what happened to me—and how to undo it.
