I'm no longer holding to the fixed view that asking and not searching for myself is laziness. 

And I'm lonely, I don't know any buddhists.

I've had a few cool insights and power ups, fruit I would say, and a leniage (sp) change I would say but I don't know what I don't know.

All of my hindrances became simply "Not Path" I can see now that 99% of my discurrsive (sp) thought is just silly stupid selfing. 

it's all just fuction of mind, a processing that drives itself based on karma and contacts. 

If I've had any kind of perception shift its imo just an ability to be more firmly in the present moment. More aware of the emotions of those around me. My mind does seem a bit like its had a tune up and firing on all 6, probably used to be a 2 lol.

I'm not officially claiming anything just wondering if someone ahead of on the path has the time and the desire to inform me, of what I'm not sure. Lol and I'm ok with that. 

​​​​​​​I guess my question is where does someone ahead of me think I am. If you choose to spend the time?

I have not a drop of doubt. I'm never going back...my body wants to be on the path and when I try to dive into the weeds it pulls me back. IMO I'm typing in access or light first jhana. Kinda just happens when I sit down.

Yo, recognizing the discursive nature of your thoughts is actually a bit shocking at first. They happen so much and so frequently and where does it all stem from and why is it happening? It's almost a little disorienting. 

You are cordially invited to keep a log here. We are, a somewhat unorthodox, Sangha. 

Stuff along the lines of "I sat, I did this practice, I noticed discursive thoughts (contents of them aren't necessarily important) I noticed that they arise and they made me feel XYZ and that feeling was in my chest and then after 10 minutes of practice things shift and then that shift was like ... 

The easiest way to get a gold impression of where you're at is to just give us a good feel for your practice and over maybe a bit of time. The path can be bumpy so it is good to have some dharma friends. We're here

Thanks, I'm not sure what exactly is my aversion to loging, but I have one. I will accept it.

I think logging is a good practice (thanks) and i should start keeping a notebook for my insights I forget and have to relearn. 

I feel like it's my 3rd or 4th time with "its all just processing."
maybe my first time to see and believe?(does it even work that way) 

If anyone has any suggestions?
I could use a better clock, I only have one with an hr. chime and Im a married with kids, lay householder who mostly meditates before sleep in bed at night, or mornings I get to sleep in. 

I was flipping a house out of town and could and did use all of my free time to meditate. Had some cool experiences and cessions, light twim style and a complete conciseness collapse like a old box tv shutting off, 2 nights in a row.

Gotta go be a mom now. 

​​​​​​​Sending metta

"And I'm lonely, I don't know any buddhists."

Same over here! Welcome to the club! Get used to it! However ...

Yes! Get that log going and keep it simple! Always make the noting of the body sensations the FIRST priority! Chose ONE body sensations YOU are most comfortable with! THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! Do not follow someone else's suggestions on this! Breathing sensations might be good for some, and sensation on the bum sitting on the cushions for others, and on and on ... OK!  

THIS sensation is you ancor sensations to return to as soon stuff gets too messy! Go back to it and "restart" so to speak. Mornign and evening is lovely! Squeeze in a 45 minutes each time and you are golden. 

"Intention" at the start "may I awaken for the benefit of all beings" is very good to set. And at the end "May all merits accumulated be shared with all beings for the benefit of awakening, may all beings be free from suffering, may all beings awaken, may all beings be truly happy".

Keep noting at a rate of at least 1 note per second. This is easy once you start it. Noting speed might slow or speed up during the session. This is normal. Keep reporting and logging after the session. Not too much mind stuff about this or what I think it might mean but simple "this itch was unpleasant and sharp, ... it was in a small area of my scalp ... the right side ... towards the top of the head ... then it got larger and more vibratioanl, like small pins and needles, ... was uncertain about the feeling tone ... there was an image of that part of the head in the mind image ... the itch vanished ... there was an anticipation that it would come back ... there is hearing of car on the street, hearing  ... hearing .... image of the car in mind (assumption) ... image of the car's direction and color of the car ... the itch is back ... its unpleasant ... mind image of the part of the itchy head with hair and all ... itch ... unpleasant ... etc ... keep up the noting pace as it will result in Khanika Samadhi which will then add extra energy and concentration to the sit. 

​​​​​​​Best wishes! May you awaken for the benefit of all beings! 

Thank you...I'll try to remember to set my intention and note more vigilantly...imo its going to be so much easier now that all my hindrances are simply not path, or silly selfing. 

Don't worry when in some time even the non-self hindrances still seems fucking annoying and sometimes even scary. Everything feeling much easier is also somewhat impermanent .

In regards to other buddhist there are also some discord communities with a lot of practitioners around, I can invite you to some. Dharmaoverground is a great ressource but feels a bit less personal. Or you might be surprised what you can find in real life.

Some thoughts copied from somewhere else on logging:

>The Meta Protocol is simple. As part of your meditative life, frequently ask yourself—in writing or in your head—what, concretely, is going on when you meditate, and whether it’s helping, and where you think it’s going, and stuff like that. He wants you to do this a lot, and even do a Meta Protocol on the Meta Protocol at times, asking yourself whether your self-descriptions seem to be effective/accurate/helpful.

That might sound rudimentary and unremarkable to you. But that’s probably because you haven’t spent time around certain meditation methods which basically shove you along a prescribed path that has little to do with you specifically, and tell you that if it’s hurting or feels strange, that’s a necessary thing, or maybe just your fault. There are a number of these kicking around. (For example, Transcendental Meditation is a one-size-fits-all system, which gave someone close to me temporary mental problems, and when she asked the TM people for help with this, they were unhelpful.) Mark goes the opposite way.

The Meta Protocol is also a pleasant onramp to a greater global amount of introspection in your life. Many people, me included, ask the question what is it like to be me surprisingly infrequently. Asking yourself this, a lot, can stop you from falling into a bunch of varieties of self-destruction, and lead you towards a more self-authored and less self-inflicted life.

Mark has a specific reason for including this protocol, beyond the value of introspection. He feels that a lot of meditative traditions, which focus on encouraging certain mental states, increase your technical debt.
https://sashachapin.substack.com/p/review-meditation-from-cold-start
https://meditationbook.page/
The parts on TWIM I didn't remember synchronicity .

Thanks, ill check it out, I do twim metta sometimes. 

I tried noteing body sensations....I can see my practice has been lacking....thanks! When I was alone house flipping for 2 nights i had maybe 300 sensations from the tip of my toe to my ankle and maybe 800 the next time to my knee....I freaked out and broke, both times, haven't been able (householder problems) to achieve the same time commitment, I would if I could!! That was months ago, so I guess I didn't land it. If I even got close??  Maybe next time.

I tried to log...the narrator that created isn't imo wholesome and trying to remember so I can tell someone seems like more selfing. If my memory was better it probably wouldn't take so much effort.  I'm improving alot!! I'm cool with where I am. Its far further than I have ever been.

​​​​​​​sending metta

Best wishes!