Starting a new thread as the last one was getting long.

​​​​​​​3/18
Slept 00:00-5:15 did pt
5:35-7:45 noticing any effort to manage experience and letting go as best I can. Some discomfort and some pleasant feeling, I’m glad to have taken this approach and wish I’d had it more in mind during the retreat. It’s a fine balance to keep, letting go without seeking that emptiness i had experienced before or trying to recreate what I think a good sit ought to be. 
7:50-8:50 Zhan zhuang wk13d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min
9:30-10:45 not especially comfy or uncomfy, just kept asking myself what am I supposed to be doing here? And remembering just dropping the doer and letting it all be as it is
22:10-23:00 really feels like the work rn is about cultivating patience and dropping expectations. The terms “do nothing” and “just sit” are sinking in deeper and taking on greater meaning. Anything I try to do or not-do, any effort I make, anything I try at all, i have to drop it because it leads nowhere. I can’t DO anything to make anything happen, to create progress, because there is no “me” to do anything anyway. The phrase “nothing to do” to me now isn’t about literally never doing anything, it’s about repeatedly (and, in general, subtly or even subconsciously) recognizing that there is no “me” to “do” anything. I’ve been through periods in my practice where it feels like I’m banging my head against a wall, and for now this is my wall. Just continually giving up effort, continually surrendering and trusting in existence, in life, which I’m a part of but not at the center of. 

So nice!

So ... are you awakened?  

3/19
Slept 1:30-6:15 did pt
6:35-8:40 pretty calm, a few mildly pleasant sensations passing through, continuing towards less judgement/evaluation while still paying attention and noticing. In the middle there was a period of deep calm, almost like torpor but not quite. I think I have more acceptance for the process and am succeeding in bringing fewer expectations to the experience. I’ve gotten some v helpful feedback from K, his support continues to be so valuable. 
8:50-9:45 Zhan zhuang wk13d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min
10:30-11:45 again a fairly smooth sit attending to thoughts sounds and body sensations. Some mild discomfort in the butt muscles and some mildly pleasant sensations, mostly in legs, hands, and a little bit in heart area, all coming and going with attention
22:05-22:45 and now I am a broom: very sweepy. Glad to have a retreat day tomorrow

3/20 retreat day 
Slept 23:00-6:50 did pt
7:10-9:15 the balance of refining awareness or sharpening clarity while maintaining indifference or non attachment; there’s a difference between indifference and apathy; noticing and seeing clearly without judging or interpreting, that seems to take some finesse; and of course compassion for all beings without any involvement. I think that was part of the teaching from the wild rabbit. In the moment I didn’t deliberate about it, it just seemed like the right thing to do so that’s what I did. The other teaching was impermanence, obviously. I didn’t think about how these could be this creatures final moments although he didn’t survive the night, I just did what seemed like needed doing and I feel privileged to have been able to give him some care and safety. But it’s a reminder that we’re not in control of what will happen, all things have an end and we don’t know when that may come so just do what you know is what needs to be done and drop the rest. 
============
It’s not about caring vs not caring, nor is it about not caring vs not not-caring, it’s about dropping everything and simply being. Being present, being aware, and noticing 3C’s and being mindful can produce an automatic response, no thinking required. I keep thinking about how Dipa Ma is quoted as saying that ultimately total mindfulness and total metta are the same. 
10:10-11:45 awareness without effort, being without effort, these things take no effort, it’s the story making and selfing and avoiding discomfort that takes effort, and it’s the judging and evaluating, the striving for understanding and for progress that takes effort. I guess it all goes back to the desire to exist, to survive. 
12:00-12:55 Zhan zhuang wk13d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min
14:10-16:00 this deep calm came again, similar to torpor but not as heavy or delicious feeling, still pleasant but more like an absence than something additional
16:20-17:00 walk
17:25-18:10 awareness of the mind gripping, holding on, but holding on to what is not clear. This tends to not be a great time of day for sitting, maybe I’ll try lying down. 
After reflecting for a few minutes I can start to see that that discomfort with the mind gripping is exactly where I need to be right now, even if I can’t clearly understand what it’s holding onto. Maybe this is the best time of day for practice after all. I can’t be running away from the discomfort, I need to sit with it and experience it fully for as long as I can, until I’m able to rest in it. 
18:40-19:35 annoyed with myself for giving up but glad for the effort and the day isn’t over yet. there’s only so much dog barking and car alarm and horn honking i can take when I’m also surrendering to awareness. I don’t even feel uncomfortable physically, just like the process is kind of hampered by these conditions. But it’s what I have available to work with so work with it I shall. 
21:20-22:00 now I find myself feeling impatient for the discomfort to appear and even slightly disappointed when it’s mild. What’s really getting to me the most is the horns honking, car alarms going off for no reason and dogs barking incessantly, that’s what I need to be sitting with I guess. 

3/21
Slept 23:50-5:25 did pt
5:45-8:00 noticing slightly less annoyance with noises from dogs and cars, even smiling inwardly a little, because how are those noises so different from the noise of the birds or the rain?
8:15-9:10 Zhan zhuang wk13d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
9:45-11:00 got to the calm place and from there to discomfort and then I remembered that I kind of overbooked my day and told a lot of people I would do a lot of things today
Stayed up too late and did too many things but feeling good about it all. Big day tomorrow so not sitting before bed just going to bed. Good night lovey springtime world

3/22
Slept 00:30-5:00 did pt
5:20-7:55 got to the calm place and from there to the uncomfortable place, stayed there for a while. Feeling quite calm and peaceful now despite feeling somewhat agitated when I ended the sit
8:45-10:15 about the same as last sit but the cycle played out faster and the neighbors were making more noise this time
10:25-11:20 Zhan zhuang wk14d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
14:40-15:40 sat w a friend and had some deeply calm moments as well as some unusual trains of fantasy thought.

3/23
Slept 00:20-6:10 did pt
6:30-8:15 two things I’m noticing at the same time: one, the feelings of discomfort, restlessness, or impatience are either diminishing to where I’m still aware of them but they’re more mild, or I’m reaching a new level of tolerance, or both, or I’m just too low-energy this morning to care that much, iow increasing indifference; and two, I’m noticing the pull of the mundane world and feeling ambivalence and some reluctance around it as once again I have a v full day ahead and why? I need to buy a car so I can go to work. But I know I don’t really have to buy a car or go to work, I can work from home and rent a car as needed. But this is what I decided so I’m following through. 
9:00-11:25 sitting in the attic again and noticing the cold on my face so much less than during last sit. Really didn’t notice it at all until ending. 
16:00-16:55 Zhan zhuang wk14d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

3/24
Slept 1:20-7:40 no pt
7:45-9:35 this time of day is so much quieter, wow! Still noticing some judgement or at least discomfort around sleeping in so late and also feeling more sensitive to the cold in the attic today
10:15-12:10 such a big difference in the experience of temperature before vs after eating breakfast. Other than that it’s a similar pattern of settling into a deep calm, coming out of that and into awareness of mild discomfort or slight disturbances and sitting with that for a good stretch. 
17:30-18:25 Zhan zhuang wk14d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

3/25
Slept 23:45-6:05 did pt
6:25-8:15 that was going nicely, the usual pattern and just sitting with awareness of sensations and the occasional thought or sound, and then I got fixated on the cold and started thinking about thinking about the cold and then I involuntarily twitched and figured that was the end of that sit. 
9:00-11:00 sat downstairs where it’s warmer and caught myself slouching extremely a few times. Otherwise all about the same as usual.
11:15-12:10 Zhan zhuang wk14d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

Feeling vulnerable and sensitive to the vicissitudes of the mundane world, professional goals not being met due to circumstances beyond my control and remembering that it's all teaching. I want to just meditate and drop all ambitions outside of that but I'm already in the middle of projects with deadlines and this is just where the rubber meets the road. Time to wak the wak 

Feeling vulnerable and sensitive to the vicissitudes of the mundane world, professional goals not being met due to circumstances beyond my control and remembering that it's all teaching. I want to just meditate and drop all ambitions outside of that but I'm already in the middle of projects with deadlines and this is just where the rubber meets the road. Time to wak the wak 

There's a lot of vulnerability and sensitivity that come with the path. It's great to just honor it and accept it. We've got all this karma we've rustled up throughout are life and we need to deal with it. Your practice is great, logs are great, great work

3/26
Slept 1:00-6:45 did pt
7:05-9:10 no deep calm and no intense restlessness, just sitting so much thinking just a vague feeling of slight unease which I assume is related to my increasing involvement or attachment with gross phenomena. Going into this sit my intention or thought to explore was dropping all conscious effort and simply observing.
10:05-12:05 if I can’t drop mundane concerns entirely can I hold them more softly or loosely? Can I allow some space to permeate? Yes. 
18:25-19:20 Zhan zhuang wk14d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

Thank you for this timely and compassionate response, Bahiya. It's a comforting and helpful reminder that I'm not alone. I'm not here to have an easy time all the time but it's the only project that matters more to me than any other.

K has reminded me that it's literally the hardest thing a human can set out to achieve, and has referred to it as "the hero's journey." I really appreciate the encouragement and support and I feel very grateful for this forum and the good people who read and contribute. 

Somewhat unrelatedly, I was wondering the other day if it's called the Noble Quest not because it's such a worthy pursuit but because it involves so much sitting still? Like, noble, as in inert?

3/27 retreat day
Slept 00:45-7:30 no pt
7:35-9:00 more music than usual, maybe bc I have concerts tomorrow and Saturday. Still feeling vaguely uncomfortable with sleeping in so late and missing the predawn hours although I love how quiet the neighborhood is at this time of day 
9:45-11:55 just sitting, no big feelings or sensations, not much thought, again more music than usual and a few itchy pinpoints that came and went. I think of the itchy sensations as “intense neutral”
12:00-13:05 lying down, was thinking about how I would or should react if someone made a mess out of my bedroom. Now I’m going to clean up the dogshit someone left on the sidewalk in front of my house. 
14:05-16:35 more just sitting wo expectations or anything big happening. Sometimes I think I need to pay closer attention to what’s going on and not allow myself to drift off, but then I think it’s probably best to err on the side of allowing than to bring any “should” into the process. 
18:20-19:15 Zhan zhuang wk14d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
19:20-19:55 walk
20:45-21:25 more thinking than usual, remembering old friends and thinking about the many facets of the project with the upcoming deadline

3/28
Slept 23:40-4:10 did pt
4:30-6:20 I don’t understand how using earplugs affects the experience other than that it more or less eliminates the field of external hearing. Still had lots of music going on
6:25-9:00 lying down alternately meditating and napping. Feeling kind of lazy and reluctant to face the day even though it’s full of things I enjoy
9:45-11:15 feeling tormented by deadline. I find myself longing to live a fully pointless life 
15:10-1605 Zhan zhuang wk14d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

3/29
Slept 1:15-4:40 did pt
5:00-7:35 remembering that awareness requires no effort, it is always there. In a very letting-go-of-personal-discipline move last night I ate two big pieces of cake right before bed and surprisingly slept just fine (until my neighbor started playing loud music from his truck at 4:30) but sitting this morning there was a lot of digestive activity and a delayed sugar rush which was all lots of fun to observe. Towards the end of the sit I noticed what felt like a brief moment of calm or a more pronounced stillness. 
8:35-9:45 overall more peaceful but in the end the pull of the mundane world and the day ahead full of goals and activities trumps the peacefulness!
10:05-11:00 Zhan zhuang wk15d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min

3/30
Slept 1:00-8:05 did pt
8:25-10:15 nice, fewer thoughts and less music with those concerts now behind me. Still have tasks to attend to today. Less guilt for sleeping in so late and more  sense of mild surprise and acceptance 
11:05-13:05 it’s nice to be less bothered by car horns etc but when the neighborhood children suddenly start screaming bloody murder that’s another thing. Still, like all phenomena, it comes and goes. 
20:05-21:00 Zhan zhuang wk15d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

3/31
Slept 00:40-6:10 did pt
6:30-8:20 progress is so nonlinear. Or at least it’s not a straight line. I’m feeling the pull towards stillness and abandonment yet I’m caught in a period of activity and pursuit, during which I’ll aim to maintain stillness and abandonment internally. 
10:05-11:35 v few thoughts other than the occasional to-do item, body sensations are also few and far between but generally v mild and fleeting and vaguely pleasant when they’re present 
14:40-15:35 Zhan zhuang wk15d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/1
Slept 23:15-4:25 did pt
4:45-6:45 noticing the effort involved in  prodding and poking at the mind as a way of “doing” awareness and letting that go. Awareness takes no effort, is always there, and doesn’t have to look a certain way to be real. 
7:35-9:30 same as last sit, remembering there’s no need to play detective, simply notice whatever’s present and be there. 
10:05-11:00 Zhan zhuang wk15d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/1
Slept 23:20-6:40 did pt
7:00-8:30 the usual patterns 
9:15-11:20 slowly moving between presence and absence of thoughts, loving the sound of the rain and wishing I could just sit all day and not have to run errands, noticing some brief leg cramps, not painful just surprising 
22:10-23:05 Zhan zhuang wk15d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minReally nice to do this after sauna and have so much less body tension than usual 

4/2 retreat day
Slept 00:45-6:50 did pt
7:10-8:50 leaving for tour tomorrow and finding it hard to stay in the present and not think about the tour and all the packing and preparing I haven’t done yet
9:35-11:40 slide into reclining position for the last half hour or so and sort of lucid dreamed but without any enthusiasm 
13:45-15:10 Todays recurring pattern is to sit and settle for a while, experiencing some v mildly pleasant sensations and eventually dropping all thinking. After some time thinking returns and it seems like it’s time to get up and be somewhere else for a bit. 
15:20-16:20 Zhan zhuang wk15d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min
16:30-17:00 walk
17:00-18:00 different pattern this time. Didn’t ever really stop thinking though the pace slowed down gradually and then I started thinking about thinking and that was just the end of it. 
19:50-20:20 distracted by the need to pack for this tour and frustrated by the conflicting desires for peace and stillness vs for friendship and music and accomplishments

4/4 day 1 of tour 
Slept 23:00-3:45 did pt
4:05-6:10 cam out of that sort of disoriented. Noticing that this isn’t an “easy” period of practice for me and grateful to remember that growth is rarely easy. 
6:55-8:10 not trying to do or achieve anything is so much better than wishing or waiting for anything 
14:40-15:35 Zhan zhuang wk15d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minReally nice to do this outside after a long drive

edited date, somewhere I missed a day and got off. Back on for now!

4/5 day 2 of tour
Slept 00:20-5:20 did pt
5:40-6:50 started to feel like I was going to fall out of the chair so lying down now 
6:50-7:50 sleepy 
8:40-10:40 found a better chair to sit in. Started noticing physical discomfort only in the last few minutes. 
11:00-11:55 Zhan zhuang wk16d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/6 day 3 of tour
Slept 23:50-4:45 did pt
5:05-5:50 same as yesterday 
5:50-7:20 lying down, in and out of sleep
8:05-9:15 got into pleasant relaxing feelings followed by awareness of sounds from the people living here and noticed the sounds not fading away but just taking up less space in my awareness and later coming back in though they never stopped. I guess awareness is broadening effortlessly?
9:20-10:15 Zhan zhuang wk16d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/7 day 4 of tour
Slept 23:45-5:15 did pt
5:35-7:05 that was nice. It’s quieter here and there’s just one vibes consistently chirping outside the window
7:10-8:10 lying down mostly sleeping
8:45-10:20 sitting next to a busy road is the same as sitting next to a stream or brook. I sat through several sudden noises but when I heard my friend playing the piano downstairs I couldn’t stay still. 
11:40-12:35 Zhan zhuang wk16d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
Noticing an increase in the ability to make a decision, eg accept or decline an invitation, with less deliberation simply knowing that whatever happens will be the right thing. Only afterwards reflecting that even a month ago I would’ve behaved differently, either exercising some kind of rigid disciplined approach ie knowing the answer before hearing the question, or else laboring over the decision and being unsure about it afterwards.

4/8 day 5 of tour
Slept 23:50-5:40 did pt
6:00-8:00 peacefulness and absence of thought, absence of consciousness, a small moment of physical discomfort at the very end and overall feeling comfortable and unhurried even amid momentary discomfort.
8:50-10:50 v similar to last sit but w less physical discomfort, almost none at all. Also noticing the dreamlike quality of mental objects in both this sit and last. 
11:25-12:20 Zhan zhuang wk16d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minBarefoot outside so nice, less tingling in fet and legs but still getting that feeling of energy pumping through the whole body 

Reflecting at end of day after last show of tour how whenever you think you know your path and you've made your decision life will present you with options that would gratify old you as if to say, "Are you sure that's what you want? Are you sure, even when you could have this instead?"

Barefoot outside... So nice !!

4/9 day 6 of tour 
Slept 23:45-3:50 did pt
4:05-5:55 no longer sitting with no agenda. I have to get on the road today by a certain time and that changes everything somehow
6:40-8:00 there was a v brief moment today and also yesterday of being disoriented like where am I and what am I doing here? Not a stressful feeling, more like a recognition of losing something and then immediately letting go of the question. 
18:35-19:30 Zhan zhuang wk16d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minI’m at a spa and did this practice in the “oxygen room” whatever that was. Felt good as usual, barefoot on wood floor felt a lot of pressure in the feet. 
21:35-23:05 relaxed body (+ earplugs) -> relaxed mind

4/10 day _ of tour
Slept 23:25-2:00
2:15-3:25 in big recliner 
Slept 3:30-6:20
7:10-7:55 in big chair 
8:00-9:10 lying on couch. This place is kind of silent at times and unpredictably kind of noisy at times 
9:15-10:10 Zhan zhuang wk16d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

Just got home and getting ready for bed. Going on tour is a whole lot to unravel. It was always the goal until recently and now the pendulum has swung past the middle to where I don't want to do it nearly as much but I still want to, at least to unload all the records and merch I have sitting in my house. But I had a really good time and I'm doing it again in a few weeks for twice as long. Bringing my special meditation chair with me was a good move, and not filling every day with activity was also good. Just a lot of ambivalence about the whole thing, but at least I know I'll have some retreat time this summer and three months again this winter. 

4/11
Slept 00:10-4:55 did pt
5:10-7:10 almost strangely comforted by the cold attic and noisy neighbors. 
8:00-10:10 sitting upright downstairs where it’s warmer and repeatedly catching my head drooping. Otherwise whatever is going on is too subtle or me to be able to describe even for myself, just sparse shreds of thoughts, the absence of thought, neighbor playing loud music, awareness of that coming and going, consciousness fading in and out
10:30-11:30 Zhan zhuang wk16d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min

Of all the delusions time is such an odd one, especially the sense that one can have any control over it (or over anything, for that matter). What a strange invention, the concept of time. 

4/12
Slept 00:05-6:50 did pt
7:05-8:35 sitting downstairs 8:35-9:35 lying down10:15-11:15 sitting downstairs, wish I could stay longer but have to go to work
16:45-17:35 thought I could sit with the sun going down but I need to go outside and do qigong before dark
17:50-18:45 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minBarefoot outdoors feels so much smoother energetically 

4/13
Slept 00:30-6:25 no pt
6:30-7:50 low energy, stayed up late and slept in, feeling lazy today
8:30-10:30 more of the kind of doing nothing that I want to be doing, less resistance 
10:35-11:30 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minThe earth is so welcoming to bare feet and accepting of all energy!
Parents are out of town so taking a retreat day tomorrow and staying at their place which I anticipate will be quieter than mine. 

4/14 - Retreat Day
Slept 00:15-6:50 did pt
7:15-9:05 still, sleepy and warm here but there’s a bell that goes off outside the window every fifteen minutes or so, confusing. 
9:40-11:15 letting the sound of that bell function like the ubiquitous mynah birds in Aldous Huxley’s utopian novel, Island, who cry out “Here and now!”, “Wake up!”, and “Attention!”
11:15-13:00 nap, dreams about food
13:30-15:30 this place is not significantly quieter than my house, the loud noises are different but it’s still nice to be in a place that’s essentially empty of my effects. 
15:45-16:45 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3minQuite windy today, noticing contrast bt inner sensations of qi moving and outer sensations of wind on skin and nearly blowing me over a couple of times!
16:45-17:20 walking, noticing the usual ever changing body sensations, visual and aural fields and today the smells of flowers everywhere!
17:25-18:30 physical discomfort is increasingly rare these days, mostly I’m noticing a tendency to linger with sounds and mental objects, especially expectations 
19:35-20:30 the struggle now is with attachment to a goal of any kind. I can see it, feel it, and tell myself to drop it but it persists. The effort to give up all effort continues. 
22:10-23:10 finally started to really let go but too late in the day to stay awake. Patience! Progress doesn’t follow a straight line. 

4/15
Slept 1:30-6:45 did pt
7:05-8:30 I’m gonna go home now. It’s been nice sitting in a different place but I also see the value in sitting in the same place as usual. 
9:30-12:00 noticing that feeling like I’m waiting for something coming and going. When it’s absent the body and mind experience pleasure or nothing at all. 
21:05-22:00 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/16 - Retreat Day
Slept 00:15-7:45 no pt
7:50-9:30 wishing i hadn’t gone back to bed after i woke up, I didn’t need more sleep. Still this was a good sit with v little thinking, mostly only noticing neighbor noises
10:10-12:35 a longer period without any thinking followed by a period with more thinking
13:35-15:10 mostly nothing and v occasional slightly pleasant or unpleasant sensations. It started to get warm in the attic, bringing the sit to an earlier end than planned. 
15:15-15:35 walk
15:35-16:30 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
16:30-17:45 walk, tea 
17:50-18:55 mental activity increases exponentially at this time of day for some reason. Sitting, noticing, allowing, and eventually getting caught up in expectations again and pulling the plug. 
19:00-19:20 walk
19:20-19:50 diminishing returns? The stream of mental chatter isn’t exactly a fire hose, space is observable, but the rate at which thoughts are arising is so much higher than it is earlier in the day and I’m not as prepared to sit through it. 
21:40-22:40 what a world of difference it makes to take a bath and shower and then sit with no expectation! Body just felt amazing from ending the shower with cold water, sitting felt great. 

4/17
Slept 23:20-6 did pt
6:20-8:05 I got overcome with thoughts about the day ahead and the upcoming events and tour but until then it was a pleasant sit with thoughts mostly absent and only the sounds of neighbors car horns punctuating the silence 
9:00-10:10 having gotten through a cycle or two of feeling like I’ve had enough and letting that feeling pass I assumed I’d have sat for longer but nature calls. It’s odd how the mind tries to keep track and “achieve” a “good sit” doing nothing even as there is no goal and nothing to do. 
10:30-11:30 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min

4/18
Slept 23:20-6 did pt
6:20-8:20 one big cycle of dropping mundane experience, increasing awareness of space, stillness, followed by a return of gross sensation and mundane thoughts accompanied by a mild restlessness that manifested in the form of needing to yawn and stretch, which I eventually gave into and ended the sit a minute and a half before the bell was set to go off. 
9:05-11:00 steady stream of thoughts, no absence of consciousness but just observing the mental activity ebb and flow. Mildly pleasant body sensations coming and going mostly in legs, also in chest and arms. Again, very little to no physical discomfort but feeling the meaninglessness of the mental activity at the same time as observing the self that finds these thoughts to be important leads to a subtle mental discomfort that I’m learning to sit with. 
Response from K re this: Staying genuinely in the process of being will slowly, gently do the transformational work—trust that mysterious development. 
18:20-19:15 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/19
Slept 00:45-4:55 did pt
5:20-7:25 quite drowsy, inclined towards reclining several times but stayed put, v mild pain in tailbone, not much thinking just conscious of drowsiness and asking am I falling asleep? Am I dreaming? Feeling slightly disoriented and slightly like I’m indulging and eventually just being. 
8:10-10:30 came back to self consciousness with the physical need to pee which led to asking can I keep sitting a while longer anyway and noticing other thoughts quickly arising and passing. Quite a comfy sit now that the attic isn’t cold anymore and isn’t yet too hot. 
10:40-11:35 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minThe balloon time goes by fast when the attention is focused on relaxing every part of the body, especially wherever tension is present

4/20
Slept 00:40-5:25 did pt
5:50-7:50 similar to yesterday’s fist sit of the day, noticing some neighborhood noises yet staying in the flow. Some frantic musical thinking/dreaming just before the bell
I was at a big social event last night and despite it being lovely and uplifting I am feeling the pull towards letting go in off-cushion life more strongly, not just dropping ambition but also letting go of the social and professional connections I’ve been cultivating for the past 10-20 years and, more importantly, the expectations I’ve been associating with those connections. 
8:30-10:25 much the same as yesterday's post breakfast sit, and that’s how long it took for 1.5 liters to reach my bladder. (I didn’t sit with the feeling of needing to pee for as long as i did yesterday, it’s too distracting.) Theres a sense of wanting to get back to it but also an awareness of what could be the beginning/deepening/continuing merging of the on- and off-cushion experience.
Ah it seems my out of town guests have left the house so I will go back upstairs and sit a while longer!
10:30-11:40 more of a steady stream of thoughts which I trace back to a sense of seeking — in the gross sense I was looking around the house for my friends, and in the subtle sense I was looking to get back to that state of letting go that got interrupted in the last sit. 
11:45-12:45 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3minOutside + in the sun + barefoot = what a world of difference 
Had a nice visit to the beach, talked with an old friend on the phone, took care of some basic chores and intended to sit before bed but binged on social media instead. No plans at all tomorrow so will likely have at least a partial retreat day.