Bahiya Baby
Welcome to the DhO !! I'm glad you're here. 

Andrest T.
I sat for 45 min x 2 yesterday. These days I alternate between yoga and meditation, and I'm not so consistent about my practice. Seems like the larger phase here these months is that after some strong opening which initiated me starting to journal here again, I was hitting a pretty heavy Dark Night phase again. I was really badly in Re-observation yesterday and the day before yesterday, and probably in general these days, but sitting twice yesterday really flipped things, and once again I'm really impressed by how dramatically the perspective on life can change - from utter doom and complete miss-alignment on all levels to peace, harmony and synchronization with life as it is.

Tyler Rowley
I can really relate to this, and I’m inspired by your practice! Right now I’m just struggling to sit for 10 minutes a day, wondering how I ever managed 30 minutes or an hour before. But I know I’ll get back there. In the meantime, you remind me of something I treasure: even a short sit can shift the perspective that’s been fueling days of suffering, and within 10 or 20 minutes, there’s immediate relief—just through practice.

I find it harder and harder to ignore that truth. The longer I go without earnest practice and clear goals, the more neurotic I get, lol. So thank you for sharing—it helps motivate me and reminds me how much benefit comes from deeper practice, once I build it back up again

Tyler Rowley

I can very much relate to this!

What I’ve found personally — which may or may not resonate with you — is that those periods of “obsessive” immersion can be reframed. I tend to think of it more as immersion in an interest. “Obsessive” feels sticky for me, though I know it’s accurate from some perspectives. From others, immersing deeply in something can be very productive!

The key for me is avoiding the burnout you mentioned, and noticing which immersions leave me feeling drained.

For example, if I stay up too late reading about something I’m fascinated by, I might just feel physically tired the next day — draining, but not too bad. But if I spend hours playing a video game, the next day has a very different “blah” quality. It’s more pervasive emotionally, and makes it harder to approach daily life with an open attitude.

What’s been new for me lately is just paying attention to that difference. I’ve noticed I naturally get bored with a game or TV show after a reasonable amount of time, and then it’s like: okay, my mind still wants to fixate on something. So what’s going to be interesting and maybe even helpful for my fledgling practice? Sometimes I end up immersing myself in Dharma — and yes, I’ve burnt out there too — but I’ve noticed those “burnt out” days actually feel pretty pleasant!

I could be totally doing it wrong, but so far what’s been working is letting myself chase down whatever’s interesting, and then noticing what comes up afterward. Feelings of self-doubt, self-criticism, frustration about not accomplishing enough, etc. — and instead of pushing them away, I just let myself feel them, remind myself those feelings are valid, and in doing so, the volume naturally turns down. Then I can reflect: Is this particular immersion leading to more suffering, less suffering, or somewhere in the middle?

For a long time I fought this cycle of “binge immersion” (much like you described) and only saw it through the lens of my inner critic. Lately I’ve been experimenting: if I’m naturally inclined to immerse myself, what if I roll with it instead of resisting? What if I try to get the most out of both the immersion and the inevitable burnout? Because honestly, even without fully burning out, these cycles usually peak with a night or two of reduced sleep and heightened energy anyway.

I have a two day rule: one night of reduced sleep, no biggy. Two nights of reduced sleep, especially if it's worse than the first night? Time to hit the breaks. Self care time. Veg out, do the very mundane lazy stuff that feels good when you're recovering from anything draining, take nice long showers, spend time making nice meals, etc. Prioritize self care. I'm no expert on anything here, but from experience I can attest to this, haha. It's a non-negotiable. The nice thing is, this often means more meditation...as in body scans to help me restore sleep schedules as needed, etc. 

The reassuring thing for me is that this predictable cycle is not unlike what MCTB describes, so simply rolling with it, paying attention, having self-care 'non-negotiables', and meeting every self-judgement with geniuine curiosity is definitely proving to be beneficial for me. I can tell my ego 'well, yeah, but it fits what they're describing, so it's natural. No biggy." 

​​​​​​​I hope some part of that can help a little! Does any of this resonate with you, or feel similar to your experience?

brian patrick
Thanks for the log. It's very informative—the whole arc I mean. It's nice to see my same (generally) narrative told by a completely different person, and how THEY would describe it. I used to liken the ups and downs to being on a huge water wheel.
one minute you are suddenly out of the water and moving up into the sunlight, then there's a moment of peak sunlight and glorious wonderfullness, before you are headed back down, and eventually you face plant back into the water and are drug through the mirk (upside down, lol), before being lifted back up on your way back to the sunlight. Well, that's how it felt for me. 
I like your attitude about it all. It's refreshing, and uplifts a bit.
​​​​​​​

brian patrick
Yeah, that’s how it was for me. The last part was “relaxing” into the practice and everything in life. Something wanted to DO the practice. Like find new techniques, or push more, but what I started doing was asking: who or what is it that wants new techniques? Who or what wants to practice harder? Who or what thinks this or that “works” for me? Without actually expecting to find an answer. What is that thing that knows, or wants, or thinks it already knows? Is there a thing?

Andrest T.
45 min meditation yesterday, and 45 min today.

Woke up in a pretty strong depression today. Not in the clincal sense, but more in the bewildered spiritual seeker sense. Immediately as I sat down it was just such a nice relief. Practice these days seems to consist of:

1. Frequent strong states of equanimity.
2. Strong emotional purges.
3. No need for technique in my meditation.
4. Laziness. Little urge or ambition to get anywhere.
5. General sadness and vulnerability around the human condition.
6. A tiny inkling towards more compassion, both for myself and for others.

John L
That sounds familiar  

brian patrick
Do you find it as difficult as I do to embrace “laziness?” I mean, even the word carries a pejorative connotation. Well, to me at least. Maybe you don’t mean it that way. Reading your log, I had a question. I don’t mean to imply anything by it, but am curious if some of these things seem the same to others as they do to me. Anyway, do you notice the moments of equanimity correlate to times when you are “in the moment”, or do they seem to happen randomly for no reason to you? In other words, is there a correlative aspect that feels like you can foster it, or not?

Papa Che Dusko
Describe "momentum" please.

Describe "jhanic qualities" please.

Describe "grief and restlessness" please.

Describe "felt great" please.

Please try to describe by including the sensate experience! (Body sensations in fine detail will be appreciated by all here Im sure)

My focus is on:

1. emotional purging through decontructing the resistance toward whatever I'm experiencing and not splitting myself off from phenomena and staying with things as they are.
2. developing concentration to help soothe the emotional purging, and to support with the next point.
3. look directly at the self-contraction however it manifests when I have capacity for that. 
4. both point 1 and 3 seems to be about the same - understanding how and why the mind is splitting itself off from phenomena

Papa Che Dusko
Im no expert but your early writing made me think you are pre A&P as in pre SE. 

Here you mention SE, 2nd Path, and even 4th Path ... Oh my So much to deal with! That is not easy! I would say let go of it ALL and go back to the matter-of-fact unfolding of your own moment-to-moment experience. 

Have a hot bath or shower! Feels great! Eat well! Maybe a burger! 

Please do tell, why are you meditating?

John L

Papa Che Dusko
So things seem to arise and pass away? 

Can you try describe that "terrible emotional suffering" in more detail please? I wonder how clearly you see the unfolding chain of matter of fact events. 

Papa Che Dusko
So things seem to arise and pass away? 

Can you try describe that "terrible emotional suffering" in more detail please? I wonder how clearly you see the unfolding chain of matter of fact events. 

Papa Che Dusko
Thanks for the clarification. Much appreciated. As long you know where you are that's what counts. Keep going!