New log!

This post has entries from the last several days. I will begin to update daily from now.

I made a post in morality and daily life, it was a bit of a rant. I'm aware it maybe wasn't the wisest thing to do so I apologise if that upset anybody. 

I have had a fairly big drop in suffering recently together with some positive behaviour change, so my practice is working which is reassuring. Nonetheless suffering is still happening so I want to continue my practice. My intention here is to just log sits and I just want a fresh thread to log.
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13.03.25

1 hour sit. Just noticing. Images, hearing, feeling. Emotions felt, anger, frustration, sadness, humility, compassion, forgiveness.
Dukkha nanas going into equanimity just letting it play out while just sitting and noticing. Very insightful sit.
How does needing to know and telling others manifest as an objective experience, can i track it and how is it you? 
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14.03.25

Sat for 40 minutes and then lay down for another 20 minutes. The body is tired and aching. Practice centred around noticing suffering, notably some mental stuff and then there was equanimity within 5-10 minutes. It was a little fantasy like so I tried to stop that and then said wait, what is trying to stop and why? Back to the vibrations of equanimity fantasy coming up, body was tired though so ended it and went to bed to lay and practice, eventually turning over and falling asleep.
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15.03.25

60mins, again dukkha nanas and then fairly quickly into equanimity, then finer grains of dukkha into equanimity and this continued for 60 mins. Still getting used to the new perspective of dukkha nanas and the finer bits of suffering. Cool sit.

Just on another note, I thought I should mention this in my log. I have been getting this quick blip like thing happening on a out breath (for a number of months too) I don't exactly know if it is a fruition because the entry to it was not like before and there's no luminosity when exiting. Also the blip is very quick so the "disappearing and reappearing" is not noticeable. Atm I'm calling it as a unknown event.

40min sit, i noticed dukkha nanas again and cycling through but it was more being in the body and relaxing in this sit.
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16.03.25

Quiet a bit of pain and suffering today and important lessons learnt or at least further along the way to being learnt. Managed a 40 min sit, bewilderment, frustration, confusion, sadness, crying. Then sat again for about 30min just to relax and steady breathing. 

Lying down practice before sleep. Those blips are happening alot, with suffering being the predominant thing that is present when they happen, also happening on the end of out breath. Still had some bodily discomfort but was difficult to locate as I previously have done. When I try to hone in on it it's all just spread out, nonetheless there is a sense that I'm suffering.

17.03.25 - 18.03.25

hours practice in total for both days. It was a difficult 2-3 days. There were some family issues that still needed attending too, which was very difficult. I kept it together and we managed to talk it all through and it's been a difficult but good experience. On the 17th while on the cushion it was just a lot of thoughts. I thought maybe I could get some important psychological insight into it all if I stayed with the thoughts and I did, but there was also alot of bullshit story telling and it really was too much. Haha that was probably the best insight honestly!

​​​​​​​I saw it start happening again tonight, just a little, so I switched to noting and now the mind is a lot clearer and I feel less stressed.

It's just habit, that's the thing about it, you don't have to stop it but it is good to really notice it and notice it within the context of everything else. 

Thanks bahiya yes, I agree. Sat for 45min, watched the stories play out and noticed how there's a tendency to latch onto or cling to these stories that waft around.

​​​​​​​I will sit again today, so will update later tonight.

45min tonight, sitting and noticing, very much equanimity, no clinging. Lots of little blips on the end of out breath. Sensation of blip is at the eyes. 

Nothing in the thoughts. But "thinking". We want to believe that thoughts will give some insight into deep wounds etc ... Nah The safest is to return to body sensations CONNECTED to the thinking. Connect the dots! 

Best wishes! 

Thanks Papa! I sent you a DM btw.

The stories are just stories! Greater equanimity around them and there's more space around them. You can actually enjoy them more! That's a cool skill!

Just for a little context. Today I went and done some work for an old work place. Didn't really want to go there but he needed some help and I didn't want to leave him out to dry. I started chatting to him and he said something that triggered me, upon realising this I noticed that there was space around the triggering itself, when I noticed it for what it was, just more sensations, it past and I went on about my work. Again I got a slight trigger and again it past very quickly!

Note my stuff has never past away as quickly as it does now.

The suffering that I was experiencing above in relation to my Dad was similar but there was a little more suffering involved here so I thought I'd note that one.

Just to reiterate, I've just come off 40mg of Prozac. Not only have I experienced the worst of the withdrawal symptoms but I'm also somehow managing to just live my life with my stuff happening too. Not that I'm really doing anything about anything though!

I have replied to the DM Sorry for taking this long! Ignore what I wrote if it makes no sense! 

Hey Dusko, no problems. Thank you for your wisdom, much appreciated my friend. 

Sometimes people trigger us and they don't mean to, sometimes people are just bastards. 

I understand now that a lot of what triggers me in life tends to revolve around a crisis of conscience. 

I didn't used to think this but I now see it's true in almost all situations. 

i often get triggered because some of my best friends, who I have known for over a decade are now real buddy buddy with some people who did some, in my opinion, real evil shit to a mutual friend and gaslit me when I tried to bring it to light. I kept having this trauma drama play out where I was retrigfered by it all and a big reason for that was that my conscience wanted me to actually let those friendships and that scene go but my neurotic mind kept wanting it to be somehow resolved and my ignoring this core heart truth kept leading me into triggering experiences. Just some thoughts. 

Further on up the road 
https://youtu.be/W9wrBX6S1yM?si=v9y0CGhsMVexEaJA

"Sometimes people trigger us and they don't mean to, sometimes people are just bastards."

I would argue that in both cases the reactive patterns are at play and ignorance can not see this unfolding! As Jesus once (to trice) said "judge them not Father as they know not what they are doing!"

Shargoal pointed out to me a long time ago now of the concept of co-dependency. I think that describes the triggering thing well for me. Of course the quicker equanimity is available the quicker one can see that concept operating in real time. That of course takes practice though, as we're all aware, years in fact! So for me to expect someone else to do the same is a stretch. Providing the space needed for the other person to be what they want to be is what's needed and how they want to be is not your responsibility. This I find particularly important for family because in most cases we can't just walk away.

However I do think there is a line in relationships though, particularly when there's violence and aggression involved.

So there's a balance and you have to make decisions based on what insight is available to you in the present moment.

60 min sit. There were stories that made me cry so I looked into the body, although the body was clear and spacious. There was tension in the face because of the crying though. Again shifting awareness in the body to locate anything that resembled any form of inner turmoil but nothing really there. Then shifted to the stories and just noticed them, there was some commentary on the stories too.

Being told about co dependency helped me gain some level of equanimity around the sensations but ultimately it's about getting in touch with the sensations that really trains the body. 

Just to expand on how this need for validation impacts me. At the end of my previous log I had the idea that I might be 3rd path due to some changes. When I posted that, I didn't get any confirmation and so I retracted the statement completely so as to avoid the discomfort of not getting that validation, or avoid the embarrassment. So theres the reoccurring theme for validation in whatever sphere of life albeit with alot less intensity now and more understanding. When that validation doesn't arise I then tend to get angry, sad, frustrated and then strive for perfection in the hopes someone will notice me, but this only helps proliferates the story.

The space gained around the triggering is great, not only because I don't react but also because it makes me understand what is happening. I can see my mums and dads eyes when I experience this triggering, it's as if they're bring triggered too, and I feel so heart broken that I quiet literally sulk for hours. I also see a little boy that just wants love and someone to pat him on the back and say it's ok. This experience shows me first hand what people are really looking for from one another and its just love, kindness, compassion, forgiveness and understanding. Very beautiful and really doesn't sound like suffering to me as much

Third path is the path people are most commonly wrong about because the road there is usually more fractal than anything they would have experienced before it. 

I thought I was third path because I had done first and second and then what felt like some weird cycley path stuff but I was wrong and third path showed up later far more distinctly. After much, much longer than I had anticipated with far more experiential shifts having occured between 2nd and third than happened between 1st and 2nd. 

Also, if making a claim like that doesn't get you much feedback there's a chance you're not providing enough details around, practice, the phenomenology of the shift etc. 

So what made you think you had third path? What kind of practice were you doing? And how did your practice change from 2nd path to whatever this was? Also it's worth throwing in how many path cycles did you complete before 2nd? 

There are worldview in which all this stuff doesn't really mean anything and there are worldviews where it's critical info, we are not necessarily bound to operating in either. 

Hey Bahiya, thanks for that mate, I'll keep it in mind if i choose to ask for confirmation in the future. I agree with everything you said. Your last paragraph I think is an important one too, when is it important to switch or implement anyone of those world views?

So I'll crap on a little more here, lol, sorry if this is boring anyone. But despite me wanting someone to confirm my path experience publicly at times and then somehow feeling validated by that, it's not actually what I want or what's really important or what I need.

For me it's about having it confirmed and fully understood by myself so that there is no doubt whatsoever, and I just don't fully understand what exactly is happening right now. And that's fine too, I'll just keep practicing anyway and watch it unfold.

So maybe for me, dropping the worldview where knowing paths is what I feel like I need to do right now.

"and I just don't fully understand what exactly is happening right now."

Me neither! Fuck! What the fuck is going on???!!!  

"watch it unfold." If I stop watching it, will it stop unfolding?  

​​​​​​​"So maybe ... " dunno maybe ... maybe not ... maybe both ... oh shit!  

Yep pretty much Dusko. Let it happen.... what the fuck does that mean?! Why stop suffering, what is suffering and is suffering "suffering"

Yeah! What is suffering?! Why do I believe that "I suffer now"? 

I have seen that all experience is fragmented ... it arise and passes away ... unknown ... arises and passes away ... unknown ... arise and passes away ... and yet I somehow still feel like Im suffering through time ... it kind of goes on and on ... in time ... i suffer ... hm ... ? why is THAT?

I've shared pretty much everything with everyone, so i thought Id share some work that ive done. I have literally 1000s of pictures. I'm not playing an instrument but theres is a rhythm with how you dip with welding. Hope you like!

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Sitting practice is very basic, really nothing fancy happening. Sensations arise and pass when i see them. Sometimes theres jhanas but i dont really care. There are times when theres this idea that something is me... drop it and then repeat. I had a conversation with some very passionate people and lets just say my head was ringing after the conversation but the reactions within mental space and body were seen as sensations and not so much me.

seeing, feeling, hearing all coming and going very easy and basic. Its very easy to forget that youre even noticing anything.

Start to explain something, notice this, explaining stops, blank pause, hearing, thought I need to piss. 

I have no experience/knowledge, but from naive honesty I want to say such beautiful welds, respect!!

Thanks Shargoal, I appreciate it!

I get this urge to sit and do so for about a week and then I stop, until there is something that starts to "bother me", sometimes it's to do with "perverted problem solving" as Adi describes very nicely! Or this morning there was a fear response and then there was the sense that something somewhere didn't like it. 
Then there's the thought "I should sit". It's this see-saw of do and don't. This is kinda weird because I know there's still craving during sits and in daily life so I don't know why I'm not sitting but on the other hand why should I get up and go and sit to relieve this frustration? Anyway I'm just going to sit, lol

Sat last night and this morning and there's quiet a bit of aversion. Fear coming up and there's this sense that someone doesn't like it. The sits are heavy and I can't sit long, maybe 30 min, stop and then another 30min, the body feels tired and lethargic even after a good night's rest. Thoughts that say i want to sit with it for longer instead of getting out and doing what I want or need to do for the day.

Sat for 1 hour, noticing clinging and aversion. The fear past and not as much aversion, or maybe the aversion dropped and not as much fear or they both happened at the same time. No real jhanic stuff happening during the sit, there were a few times where clinging towards them came up.
There's some discomfort after the sit in the chest. Clinging for progress

It has helped me in the past to sit at the same time every day, whether I want to or not. In some ways, it's like practicing a musical instrument or a sport, you just do it, but with meditation, sitting when we don't want to sit (when there is nothing to fix and no promise of gain) allows us to see things that are not there at other times. Generally speaking, I sit because it is 10:30.

Thanks for chiming in Martin, I'm somewhat overwhelmed it seems and I'm finding it difficult to maintain anything really!


I cant concentrate when doing work, my memory is not so good and im hyper fixating on stuff, not to mention a change in mood. Kinda how they describe ADHD really.


There has been positive change but I think I've pushed it too far with going off medication completely so I'm going back on them albeit half the dose.

45 min sit, noticing, discomfort, unease in the body and just sitting with it. I got a little curious with it, and asked questions like what is it about this unease that makes it mine? Going to do a laying down practice now before sleep.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are taking positive steps by actively managing your medications and meditating when it is helpful. Health has to come first, to be sure. 

​​​​​​​I'm enjoying reading your log!

I would suggest practicing Shargrol's Tonglen for a while instead of Noting. 

It sure helped me a lot! For these overwhelming situations and other stuff, Tonglen can help really well by showing us new shaded aspects of the aversion and desire. 

Im sure its easy to find that Shargrol Compilation made by Pepe and find the instructions for Tonglen! Its important to get his version! IMO

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the words and your kindness. It's also nice to know people enjoy reading my logs.

I've been reading Shargoals compilation and touched on Tonglen. I'm not so much noting, I'm just sitting there really and noticing how the mind creates these ideas around what is happening or what's going to happen, trying to grasp towards some understanding instead of being with whatever is happening now.

If there's ill will that comes up then I'll picture me hugging that person and sending them love and that helps alot.

I know Tonglen is different though and might be the go right now while things are difficult.

There was ill will before the sit while at work. I kinda the spat the dummy a little, not directly at anyone just a in my head dummy spit, lol. I found myself explaining something, wasting my energy really at which point I just told myself to grow up.

I got home, and there was jealousy and bitterness directed at someone else, at this point I just sat back and watched the show, acting out being the moral super hero. It felt like I was holding a child's hand and then asked him to sit and meditate. It was all very amusing.

I then sat for about 50min, just sitting with bitterness, body aches, then there was imagery of me being dead and everybody was at my funeral, little bit of crying, but that really didn't last long, maybe, 10min in it went, I some insightful stuff and then went into samadhi, questioned how is this better to the fear i felt the other day? Had some fantasies and that was that. I didn't feel the need for Tonglen practice tonight.

I will do some lying down practice before sleep.

1 hour sits yesterday and today. Leaning into the jealously, bitterness and resentment when it's present and they're usually present the same time fear is present. Then theres the tendency to lunge for explaining something or plan something. There's also a need for material gain, as if that is a solution to some problem. The stories atm are mostly to do with having a problem with someone else and how something is not done correctly or uphold some moral judgement. Not so much about "my fear" and how painful it is, even though there is still aversion to it.

The jealously and resentment have been touched on previously in my practice but there's a sense that it's going deeper now, with more willingness to lean into those states, its interesting it comes with the latest shift in perspective that's happened and despite the discomfort I'm glad it's happening.

Sitting everyday for an hour or more but I'm finding it hard to post in the log.

That's ok. Post when you need to. We're here if you've got any questions. Great work, keep it up.

Jealousy and bitterness. Heavy stuff. You do have to look at it. All this ill will and aversion. Where does it come from? Where does it all go?

One of the things you realize that people rarely say straight is: you have to watch the stories and the jealousy and the bitterness, you have to watch it and be apart of it. That is enough for the bodymind to learn how it can be let go. Nothing at all needs to be done with it. 

​​​​​​​Engaged being is all that's required. 

Thanks bahiya, I really appreciate it.

I have been sitting or doing a lying down practice for atleast 60min a day. Most of them have all been similar. Coming onto 20mg of prozac made me feel like shit (im ok now and its helped), loss of appetite and miserable I still practiced with those feelings and there was some suffering but also a sense of like where is all this stuff happening, sitting didn't really "alleviate" anything. Don't think I'll need to go back on 40mg, 20mg is doing enough.

Tonight 70min sit.

The sit felt like normal everyday  consciousness, whatever that means, for the first probably 45min after that it was a little jhanic but not really. There's a real plainess, simplicity, stillness to everything and the mind doesnt have so much desire to go into jhana. It's just chilling with breath and simplicity or "normality". A few childhood memories popped up, vague images and then the feeling that something very familiar was remembered but I have no idea what.

PS. Ahh, but there's also a sense that this is solid, permanent, me and not going to change, or is there? Lol

Misery and disgust, heavy, lethargic alot of the time but also weirdly with equanimity. At times, actually all the time, I feel like I am in between suffering and equanimity. As if there's this potential for it to go either way, like a fork in the road.

Practicing at least an hour a day, sometimes some tonglen too. Yesterday I would've done over 2 hours of sitting. I've been reading shargoals compilation of posts and he mentions how 2nd path is alot to do with the body re wiring. I feel like this is what happened to me recently with contractions in the body losing a sense of locality. 3rd path being a mental rewiring which I know hasn't really happened, so i feel I'm on my way to 3rd path.
My sits are simple. They consist of sitting with any resistance and letting awareness do the work. Also questioning what the difference between unpleasant sensations and pleasant sensations are if there are any.

Off the cushion old world views have been coming up and realising, really, I actually was hanging onto that?! It's just a matter of really putting the hours in as much as possible.

If anyone else has any input for 2nd to 3rd please chime in, thanks a bunch!

Happy Easter everyone.

Just because you've had a little shift doesn't mean it's it. From here on out there's potential for all kinds of little shifts and changes and stuff. 

Just because you're suddenly having profound experiences of emptiness or "non-duality" doesn't mean it's it. From here on out there's potential for all kinds of emptiness and "non-duality" and stuff. (It was on the journey to third that emptiness really began to reveal itself for me and it had absolutely nothing to do with any of the experiences I thought were emptiness or whatever before that and wasn't itself third path)

Go really really deep on accepting that you do not know where you are on the maps. This is an excellent time to jettison the entire path model and radically embrace uncertainty. I don't think there's much use to be gained from the maps here. And there's a lot of practical benefits to letting them go. 

For me getting third had a lot more to do with suffering than with any fancy meditation stuff. 

If you feel like you are the world, the universe, the everything. If the wind rustling in the trees is an extension of your vast spacious mind... Then that's probably 2nd path. For me 2nd path was "I'm an enlightened tantric God". Third path was very very different to that. 

In my experience I had to see through a lot of the whole of the thing before I really got it. 

It's tempting to talk about all the meditation stuff but like get really honest about what's bothering you. Get really curious about suffering. 

Just relax... And notice how difficult that can be. 

Get comfortable with things taking time this will improve your momentum towards third and prepare you for the long term commitment of the end game.

Ok thanks bahiya, I appreciate that. Yeah I do have the tendency to say "Ok I'm here now and now I have to do x and y", all very scripted. Which could be completely different to what is actually happening and a way to resist current present moment experience and being with whatever it is that is presenting itself to me right now. Yes I'm trying to get really curious with suffering, both throughout the day and in my sits.

Last night i sat for 70mins. It starting off with some mental confusion which also presented itself in the body some what with sensations in the gut and throat. I observed these energies wafting around, shapeshiting. I questioned are these unpleasant or pleasant and what makes them so? I then just sat absorbed in concentration for the rest of the sit.