Hello everyone.

I took the time this week to write a report on my meditation practice.  The
result is below. I'm looking for advice/warning/guidance .  Do not hesitate to
tell me if I should change how i write those logs. I would happily make those
notes shorter

I feel like the practice helps me in daily life to be less reactive, less
depressed, and less frequenlty lost in obsessive anxious thoughts.  I also
drink less (I used to get drunk on week ends).

Background: not native english speaker male , in my early forties, married to a
buddhist woman. I do software for a living.

I started a daily practice with two of Thich Nhat Hanh's short (15-20 min)
guided medidation found on youtube  about two years ago if recall correctly.
Then after the summer of 2024, I started sitting for longer sessions.

I mainly sit in the evening ( used to be right before bed, now more often when
I come home from work).

More than 10 years ago, I read a little book by Thich Nhat Hanh on the four
foundations of mindfulness.  I found it healing. I don't think an english
version exists but I could look for it if anyone is interested.

In 2024 I read Daniel Ingram's MCTB2. Found it inspiring and impressive.  Then
I read "Mindfulness in plain english" by Bhante Gunaratana. This last book
pushed me to practice in longer sessions when I read that after a 6 months (or
a year?) of practice, one should be able to sit for an hour.  I loved this
book. I also read about the first half of Right Concentration by Leigh
Brasington. Figured this one is way above my level (except for the tips on
access concentration).  I watch/listen to any Daniel Ingram interview I can
find.  I am now reading The Mind Illuminated.

How i see my practice: my goal is to be more happy, kind, patient, and
hopefully helpful to people around me.  Initially I just wanted to reduce
anxiety and stress. Now I'm also quite curious about increasing sensory
clarity.

The main effect I often get from practice is: right after a session, the mind
feels lighter/clearer/happier.  It looks like some practice sessions have a
strong effect on the day right after: I feel joyful, energized, equanimous,
awareness feels more spacious, and I have less verbal thoughts (or I'm less
bothered by them).  My wife tells me I'm more kind and patient since I
practice.

I think I mainly try to practice concentration/undistractedness, but I guess
I'm doing both concentration and insight (wishy washy practice ?).

I post this here because I hope more experienced practitioners could get a
sense of what's right and what's wrong with my current practice, and give me
some advice.

So, here goes:

-------------



thursday, march 13

Tried to let go of my apprehensions towards noting, and started to try and
continuously note (verbal thought of noting) for the first time this morning
during the 25min subway journey to work.  Not as disagreable as I thought it
might feel.  The fatigue at the end of the work day was quite intense, a little
bit worried this might be related to this morning's exercice, but I don't
really think so.

evening sit: 40 minutes bell to bell.

 start of the sit: resolution was  "I'm sitting for training. This is a
training"( background thought: the goal is training and not to get a sensate
reward right here and now).  Also resolution to continuously follow the
sensations of breath at the nostrils.  At this moment, still this somewhat
obsessive thoughts about "seeing the breath", or the feeling that I try to see
the breath and I shouldn't. When things settled down a bit, I tried to see how
much of consciouness, in the time dimension, is composed of those breath
sensations.  Thought that this intention was helping build concentration, as
distractions seemed to be more and more salient/clearly perceived.  At maybe
around 20 minutes in, it seemed like there were maybe 3 to 6 identified
distractions per second ( quick attention movements, thoughts). A few longer
distractions here and there.  Switched to "longest comfortable breath"
(Burbea).  Main recurrent distraction : "I can feel something at the nose at
the in-breath (colder), but I'm really not sure I feel anything at the
out-breath except at the very beginning of it". Even tried to clearly
manipulate the breath by stopping it mid-ou-breath, to see if resuming the
outbreath would generate a feeling." not much results.  A few minutes later
(luck ?) it appeared the mid out breath sensation was a little bit felt above
the lips. Felt contentment about that.  Still background thoughts about the
"seeing the breath" question, then the background thought ( that I repeated on
a slow loop) was "Let'see what this breath medidation is like 'from the point
of view of the sensations themselves' ( this is a tentative to get rid of the
"seeing the breath" obessive thought).  This helped calm things down. After a
few minutes, the general feeling was that the sensations occupied a larger part
of consciouness , in the space dimension.  Posture got a bit less straight, had
to straighten up several times. Reminded of TMI's description of dullness.
Re-energized by deep breaths.  Toward the end, tried to see what would happen
if I let the dullness set in ( background thought: maybe that's absorption not
dullness).  Comfortable feeling, certainly dullness in the end. Startled a
little bit by the end bell, so yeah dullness. Is dullness really that bad ?
Maybe if it stops us from getting to "the good stuff" ?



friday march 14

40 minutes sit.  straight to following the breath.  skipped the neck and
shoulders movements, probably not best.  Some moments of close-to-uninterrupted
following of the breath.  Quite relaxed at end of sit, some tensions in the
shoulders and back.  then 36 minutes of sitting with my wife, while following
Rob Burbea's first instruction meditation from r/streamentry, meditating and
translating for my wife. Some peacefulness and ease. Wife quite content with
it. Nice.


saturday, march 15

11am 40min sit. A bit frustrated/angry/sad/worried before sit.  Started with
"aligning the practice with kindness" (Burbea). Then stetching neck, shoulders.
Then scan: face, neck/throat, chest, belly, lower belly longer. Upper back,
shoulders, arms (not sure of the order).  Then to the feelings of the breath at
the nostrils.  Some distractions, but concentration felt as good. Maybe some
singular points of light, short, quicky disappeared, resolve to not pay
attention to light and stay on breath. Then distracted by anger and worry.
mental part of the emotions "seen" quite clearly, felt compassion towards self.
Countered anger and worry by metta phrases until the end of the sit.  so:
morning sit felt better than usual evening sit in terms of enery and mindset.
Felt good after sit, little internal chatter in the hours afterward.

18h 60min. Must have been tired a bit. "align practice with kindess". Did not
feel very well aligned. Forgot to stretch. Remembered after 10min, decided to
not do it and continue as is. Scan as in the morning, but difficulties in
staying in the scan, distracted by muscular tensions and pain in shoulders and
back and knee.  Knee pain led to worry about long term damage to knee.
Straightened the leg for 10 minutes while continiuing to follow the breath.
Hard to follow / stay with the breath.  Guessed it might be due to dullness.
Tried longer breath.  Even forgot to keep the breath long. Lots of posture
changes. Long breath helped to energize, but I was already well into the sit.
Ended up in half lotus (started in burmese posture).  All in all, lots of
restlessness, a bit of pain/worry, little energy and concentration. At least
some discipline.


sunday march 16

12h20 40 min sit. Kindness alignment, quite ok.  Scan face,
neck for longer, chest, belly, lower belly, shoulders, arms, upper back, legs.
Then tried to feel clearly the left shoulder/neck tension/pain.  saw it as
changing place, intensity, and texture with the breath.  Tried to "massage" it
with breath, then decided to make do with it. Then focus on breath at nostrils.
Little feelings at out breath.  Concentration/undistractedness built up. After
maybe 10 minutes, thought it was "not good enough". Then thought this right
here is dukkha.  Decided to make do with it. repeated "unsatisfactory, not
self, changing". Concentration built up a bit more.  Texture of feeling of
whole body got more pleasant. Then distracted by sound.  Went back to breath.
Metta "may you be happy, well, may you be equanimous, concentrated, tranquil".
Bell. Recap. Right shoulder tension still there. Will make do. Massage the eyes
with both hand. Lots of color. for 2 minutes after bell, enjoyed the colors
from the eye massage.


17h, 15 minutes lying on bed. Followed breath. Nice general bodily feelings.
Wanted to cry, and remembered a crying episode due to stress when about 9yo.

19h30: one hour, sitting on the side of the bed, to prevent knee pain.
streched, kindness alignement, scan. Near the end of scan, some strong and
pleasant tingling near top of the head. Deciced to ignore and follow breath.
Thought that concentration must be built before switching to piti. Lots of
posture adjustement to try and release shoulder/neck tension/pain. I'd say in
one hour, about 10 to 20 minutes of successful following of the breath. some
TMI "connecting": one thought (forgot which), then right after it a pain arose
in the back. Noticing this made me smile, and the pain passed away. Difficulty
of concentration and more posture adjustement.  Noticed a general attitude of
self deprecation. The same memory came back. Metta for self and all beings for
a few minutes. Then felt calmer.  Then following of the breath. Some agreable
heat in the forehead, between the eyebrows. End of sit, some light heat in
whole body.  After sit, my wife points out that my jaw looks tense.



monday march 17

20pm: 45 minutes sit bell to bell, ended up practicing one hour.  Sitted on
chair, back straight.  started with kindness alignement, streched neck and
shoulders. While counting breath to 10, scanned face, neck for very long .
during long scan, tons of movements of posture adjustement, but done with
acceptance, feeling of necessity. maybe 30 minutes of those.  inquiring about
tensions, through movement. when streching shoulders way back, suprised by a
big muscular tension on left side of diaphragm, pulled back to not damage
anything. Also after about 20 minutes of movements, quite clear feeling of jaw
being tensed/energized. not very surprised though , but nice to be able to
feel it, and try to relax it. So, jaw, sternocleidomastoid muscle
tense/contracted.  At the end of this movement session, felt the hands, very
slowly tried different hand postures. Interesting to note how the slightest
hand position adjustement has effect rippling very far in the body ( for
example: adjusting the thumb not even a millimeter makes tension stronger or
less strong in a shoulder muscle).  maybe saw a kind of loop of: intention to
move thumb, thumb movement, mental impression of movement, bodily effect
somewhere else ( not sure about this one, more a re-construction after the
fact). Finally managed to get concentrated on breath feeling with hand turned
upwards, finger closed not too tightly, and thumbs upright, with the very end
of thumbs pressed against one another.  Thoughs of beautiful hand position
seems to have helped build concentration. After some concentration build up,
relaxed the hand, let them drop on lap, not caring about posture/esthetics.
Attention zoomed in on feeling of breath. Noticed unpleasant odor. Tried to no
be distracted too much by it, and stay with the tactile sensation.  Got to a
more peaceful state, with more pleasant feeling in the head/eyes region.
Thoughts of "stay on the touch sensation, surrounded by bodily enveloppe.".
Feeling (thoughts?) of breath "in front of body", or "in the center of
attention with body around it"   Then after a distracting thoughts, another
(more skillful ?) thought of "stay with the breath, surrounded by mental
envelopped and bodily enveloppe". Stayed there with some distractions, not sure
about frequency of distractions.  One noticeable distraction consisted of a
thought like "what am i going to tell about this session". Noteworthy is that
when this thought appeared it introduced a very noticeable sensations of
buzzing vibrations, like the attention jumped at very high rate between breath
feeling and thought.  Like "white/black/white/black" in a part of the visual
field, at a rate maybe around 8 or 10 (?) bpm. Very "electric" in feeling, but
not too harsh. (could it be eyelids trembling ?).Then back to breath.  Then
bell.  After bell, tried to maintain some concentration, then tried to switch
to pleasant sensations as per brasington. Some in the face, but not stable.
Then more inside the head, behing eyes. Pleasant feeling of mental rest (?)
there. Tried to stay with it. Maybe managed to nourish it somewhat, filling
more of the head, but not as far as jaw.  MAybe felt the tension in jaw in a
more pleasant light, but not for long, like maybe 2 seconds.  With eyes still
closed, stood up to try and see how it is. Managed to stay with breath feeling
(with distractions), while the body was adjusting for equilibrium. attention
alternated between breath feeling and fascination about this automatic
equilibrium mechanism.


tuesday march 18

very tired this afternoon, and some stress at work.

19 pm. 45 minutes. sitting on chair. intention of kindness. stretch, scan while
counting. some pain in stomach. not as much movement as yesterday, but not very
still either.  posture adjustement. similar to yesterday , but less pleasant
feelings, maybe more self judgment, and certainly less concentration/longer
distractions.  dit not manage to say on breath only for more than few seconds.
Felt quiet identified with thoughts. concentration got a bit better while
remembering "Just this" from one of Daniel Ingram's interviews.  Funny thing:
towards the end, i felt like standing, eyes still close: at the very second i
stood up, the bell rang. I stood while following the breath for a minute or
two.  in retrospect, i may have rushed the scan.


wednesday march 19
20 pm: 45 min sit on chair. must have forgotten to start
timer, ended up a bit longer, I broke the sit by doing streching.  started with
stretching neck should. scan face, neck/throat, shoulders, longer on right one
as much tenser, then breast, belly, left leg, right lef, left arm , right arm (
very suble movements in arms and hands during scan), upper back. then centered
between eyesbrows. then full body.  then breath at nostrils. difficulty
separating touch sensation from visual images , auditory signal.
sensibility/concentration got better after a thought of "I know how to play
this game", then a bit later, still better ( but maybe too effortful?) after an
intention to really zoom in on the moment by moment sensation ( letting go of
past sensation quicker).  finally dullness set in, streched and ended the sit.
maybe 10 (?) posture adjustements (did no count).  this sit was also clearly
helped , during the game phase, by a background thought/intention of "if i can
master this game, i can help other learn it and feel better".

Then decided to play again, sat on cushion, with intention of not moving
intentionnaly a bit. settled quickly in the posture, paying attention to legs
and knees, but not much too back/shoulders/head neck. did not move
intentionnaly, except once the right bigger toe (painful there). quickly
realized that back was not straight, and right shoulder was way way up (
tensed, the tension is a pulling of the should up and inside).  tried to stay
on breath at nostrils. startled by end bell ( clearly too loud this time).


thursay march 20

very  pleasant "energy/mood/intentions" this morning.  at noon, some thoughts
of "pain is common, but most of suffering is self inflicted".  lost most of it
at work during first 2 hours of afternoon with self-abusive multitasking.
regained some of it after noticing this.

20h45 - 25 minutes sitting on side of bed.  Scan face, neck, chest, belly,
right shoulders and arms, then left. then right leg, then distracting thoughts
which continued while scanning right leg.  then full body.  thought of letting
worries in a box for later ( a la Michael Taft). Worry receeded. Then to breath
at nostril. sensations not very clearly perceived.  then thought of dropping
the ball, sensations a bit clearer but extremely subtle. then thought of "how
fast can i drop the ball", quick mental speech "drop drop drop" while trying to
drop fast. then sensed tensions above eyes, thought of "maybe better to ease
of".  thought of "very little mental talk right now" ( a bit contradictory
isn't it?). calmed a bit.  thought of "something big about to happen like A&P
event or something" with some excitation ( perceived increased heart beat).
then thought about " it's close to loud end bell, I'd better increase the
energy and mindulness", tried to increase clarity of peripheral awareness of
body while keeping attention on nostrils sensations.  startled/suprised/afraid
by the quick arising of sun sized shallow orange circle(ish) form a bit right
of center of upper visual field.  calmed down.  tried to relax/drop more.
thought of "what if medidation does itself"?" , tried to see that.  then
noticed a fear of letting go even more / fear of completely losing control /
losing oneself [sic]. there certainly was never any control to begin with, but
it's easier said than clearly perceived  and accepted isn't it ?)


friday march 21

feeling mentally and physically exhausted by work and work
related worries.  The week end is here at last.

19h- 45m sit. started with 3 very long breaths. then continued with long breath
, counting to 10, while scanning. 10 breath on each part of scan.  head, neck,
right and left shoulders, chest ( thoughts of self being angry/will will),
belly (thoughts of compassion to self and others), right and left arm, right
and left thighs, kness, feets. then free floating attention, then upper back
and neck. then full body.  must have taken 25 to 30 minutes. then to breath at
nostrils, very little sensations there. tried to balance attention and
peripheral awareness.  a few seconds of better concentration ( feeling of a
shift in global state of awareness/mind/attention).
sensations more pleasant in whole body, but not for very long. starlted by a
very loud noise (firework), distracted by reverberation of noise in
lower body, then back to nostrils, thoughts of "let's try to see if the
mediation can do itself", then a few minutes later felt like this was it for
today. prepared for end bell.  tried to guess the time the bell would ring.
missed by about 30 seconds. note to self: new kind of distraction, even though
it's a fun little game.  looks like one skill to aim for is to be able to not
get attached / not fear of losing a given attained concentration level.  as
usual, feeling quite refreshed mentally after the sit. still yawning while
writing this.

saturday, march 22

11am. 1.5hr sit. quite pleasant sit. good night of sleep helped for sure.
did not have dramatic expectations, intention before sit was to try and
approach onepointedness. posture was ok but not stellar, counted about 10
posture adjustements ( straightening the back).

stretched neck and shoulders 2 minutes. then tried to go straight to following
the breath.  things settled down little by little. still often distracted by
right shoulder tension and upped back tension.  best concentration was after
about one hour, with neck somewhat bent forward: tried then to discriminate
clearly what sensations are the touch sensation of breath at nostrils (
and not mental images or breath sound).  after the bell rang, thought that
built concentration is precious, so sat some more following the breath at
nostrils.  then last minutes, tried to switch attention to pleasant feelings.
Found quite a few of them on top of head, and in the arms, especially on the
left side. sensation was light buzzing, nothing dramatic, and just slightly
pleasant. tried to spread it.  the buzz got more intense ( not the entire
body), to the point of being irritating. then tried to find something more
pleasant.  best I could find was a feeling of calm/peace in the center of head.
stayed with this for a bit.  an irritation in right eye had me open my eyes.
stayed there with eyes open a minute or two.  all in all, quite content with this session.
some distracting thought of the type "is this jhanic territory or basic
concentration building up?"

a pattern i notice is the mind behaving like a bored child when the sensations
of out-breath are too suble / seemingly absent, like "nothing to see here,
let's go somewhere else".  How to stay on the ball when there are no
discernable touch sensations with the out breath ? pay attention to the knowing
of an absence of sensation ?

 
This sounds very good! It's also great to hear how practice is producing fruits in daily life. The extent to which mediation has an effect off the cushion varies quite a bit in the short-term but when we have seen the effects we can remember that and be motivated by it, even if there is a patch later on when the effects are not apparent or are disruptive. So that's a fortunate thing. It also seems that you have a very broad base of practice techniques to draw on, which is great!

You asked for opinions on how to log. Your logs are really well written. You describe what is going on at the phenomenological level, which is excellent. I would keep doing what you are doing and, if you are looking to get feedback, maybe split them up into individual posts, or possibly posts covering one or two days, rather than a week. If there is a lot of text, some people may forget what happened in your Monday entry by the time they get to your Sunday entry. It's often easier for people to comment on one specific description or question than a whole practice. 

You say "How i see my practice: my goal is to be more happy, kind, patient, and hopefully helpful to people around me. "

Fantastic goal! I wonder if you have any thoughts about how that goal fits with the books that you mentioned. All of the practices described in those books can have transformative effects but the short-term and long-term effects are not the same (especially not the short-term effects). Do you have some ideas about how you would like to see your skills and practice develop?

One of the reasons for my question is curiosity. I read similar books. In fact, Mindfulness in Plain English was the second meditation book I read, about 20 years ago, and I think it is an excellent guide. Another reason is that you seem to jump around quite a lot in practice styles. That can be a good approach, in the same way that doing a lot of different exercises can be good for general physical fitness. If you have a particular skill set that you want to cultivate, or you hope to see a particular development, you may want to add a bit more structure and set aside some of your practice time for that but one size does not fit all. 

Be gentle with yourself when it comes to physical discomfort. For me, a kneeling bench works well. Some very accomplished meditators always use a chair. I know a person who made it all the way to the end of the path laying on a yoga mat. 

I know a trick for following the breath. I will mention it but I should point out that this approach is really only suitable for straight-up concentration practices. What you do is pick a spot where you can easily notice the breath. For many people, the rim of one nostril works well. For others, it is the lip below the nose. It should be a small spot, no bigger than a fingertip. Then, just note the sensation there, and only there. If the attention goes to some other place, that is fine, but when you notice you should bring it back to that one, single spot that you chose. Now for the trick: When you cannot feel the breath there, keep the attention on the lack of sensation. Be like a sensor. If you were a digital sensor, the readout might be 2, 2, 3, 4, 2, 2, 6, 6, 2, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 2, 2, etc. (But don't say numbers in your head or anything like that.) This way, the lack of sensation is not a problem. The lack of sensation is the sensation. There is no need to disturb the mind by looking for the sensation as the meditation object includes lack of sensation.

I don't use this technique for things like Mahasi noting. In that case, I use the sensations at the belly, which make for a totally different and much more interesting object. 




 

Martin V,

Thank you very much for the kind and rich feedback.

How I would like to see my skills and practice develop. I certainly have to think more sharply about this, as I also noticed that I'm still in exploratory mode, trying different things, and not being very consistent. From what I understand, a good plan could be to learn how to access meditative absorptions/jhanas, and from there , or after that (in a single sit I mean), doing insight practice to see clearly into dukkha, its cause and its end.
So, short/middle term, I'd like to be able to access the first and second shamata jhanas, and maintain those states for a given length of time.It looks like this could also help in daily life, as having access to some bliss and mental peace through practice could help build strength and confidence.

I may have misunderstood MCTB2 (which I plan on reading again in the weeks to come) , but my current understanding is that intense noting practice can have more destabilizing effects on daily life. Even though the results sound solid, I'm not sure it would be a good idea for me. The book also mentionned that some people can manage to develop both concentration and insight skills at the same time, and this sounds pretty good to me, even though I'm not sure I could.
In the longer term, getting to high equanimity and beyond sounds fantastic, but I can't know if the karma is right for this.

So, yeah, I'm still trying to figure out the best path, or at least a walkable one

EDIT: I should add that I get the impression, from my practice, that noting seems to help build concentration. And thanks for the tip !

I think that sounds like an excellent plan and a good understanding because that was my path and my understanding. Others might see it differently. 

I have heard it recommended to begin with an 80/20 mix of samatha/vipassana. 

To get to the jhanas many people find it useful to build up longer and quieter sits, possibly also, later, including several sits in one day. It may be helpful if those concentration sits all follow the same pattern, or at least have the same plan. I stumbled into jhana because I was a keen runner and I got arthritis, so I had to sit out for many months, so I took the time that I used to spend running and spent it meditating instead. Cumulative volume with a simple repetitive practice made a great difference.

You might want to keep reading TNH. His gentleness is a good back-beat for concentration, which can easily become brittle if not balanced by something like that.

BTW, if you click on Advanced Reply, and then <> Source, you will be able to see if there are any rogue tags in your posts.

sunday march 23

11h30am: was reading TMI's appendix on mindfulness review. thought i may need a bit of that.
So, sat with eyes closed and tried to review a shameful anger incident at work from a few weeks ago. eyes watering.
finally thought i should forgive myself. main resolve: be more mindful during the day.

20H30: sat 35 minutes with Burbea's instructions. trying to medidate and translate for my wife.
shoulder blade/upper back pain made it difficult. less pain and some light pleasant feelings towards the end

monday march 24a

a strange thing happened this morning, not sure if this is relevant but here goes.
i woke up before the alarm. While still emerging from sleep , some work
related worry appeared, then i remembered the resolve to be mindufl ( and quick to stop unwholesome thoughts).
Then, the strange thing happened, but it's very hard to describe: this thought of needing to be minfdul
was associated with a hand catching an arm ( like: to prevent some harm), and then it was like another
thought "caught" this one, and then the latter was caught by another, and on and on quicker and quicker
until my body/mind reacted to stop it before it fried the circuits. The whole thing lasted maybe half a second or less.
I had a quite similar thing happen to me when I was 19 or 20yo. A&P stuff ? no idea.

20h15 - 1 hour sit.
straight to following the breath sensations at nostrils. thought train calmed down little by little.
startled by quick appearance and disappearance of some sort of circle of light in the right upper quarter of visual field, after maybe 15 minutes.
then distracted by a series of quite loud strange high pitch noises never heard before and unidentified.
thoughts of "could i be hallucinating these", then thought of "almost certainly not, but in any case, let us resume the training".
After that, concentration was very poor, tons of distracting thought, whose main themes were:
"the touch sensors at the nostril are broken today, it reads mostly 0 and then sometimes maybe 0.001"
"there is a feature in the maps about center of attention being not clear or something"
"what am im going to tell about this sit"
"is this worth telling on the dho forum".
Took maybe about 30 minutes of this before I raised the white flag and accepted those thoughts.
Then mainly funny thoughts, on the theme of "this concern about not clearly sensing the breath sensation
at the nostrils is really extremly absurd from a muggle's point of view".
all in all, although the intention was to practice concentration, the whole thing felt like an
exercice in equanimity / accepting thoughts while trying to maintain attention on seemingly non existing  sensation.
posture-wise, maybe 3 or 4 back straightening in the first half four, then stayed still for 30 minutes, I think. little pain.
mood after sit is pretty humorous.

tuesday march 25

19H40 - 1 hour sit.

tried to pay attention to sensation of breath at nostrils. couting to 10 maybe 20 minutes, then let go of counting. mind agitated. quite annoyed by recurring "narrating/commenting the practice" thoughts. things got slightly better towards the end after an intention to stop trying to change anything and relax. just a few short silent moments in the last few minutes after remembering TMI's notion that verbal thoughts are symbolic (refer to something else).
I am now thinking the sit was pretty tiring.

EDIT: on the bright side: almost no pain.

wednesday march 26

1.30 pm - 15 min sit.
following the breath.

8.30 pm - 45 minutes sit.
stretched before sit. straight to following the breath at nostrils/upper lip. intention set to not fight thougts and gently orient attention on breath sensations.
some relaxation. remembering and repeating some dharma books sentences seemed to have helped to calm the mind. "Not two (I don't want to say one)"
( Thich Nhat Hanh), "Make your mind like a carpenter" (Bhante Gunaratana). More "breath by breath attitude". Some concentration after 30 minutes.
Would have liked to sit longer, as general feeling was good, and getting better.  Resolved to try and maintain kind intention beyond sit.

"Make your mind like a carpenter"

It's funny, I forgot that Bhante Gunaratana said that but it must have first lodged in my mind when I read his book. Thanks for reminding me. This may have been the single most useful instruction for me when I was learning access concentration.

Martin V, I'm happy that it gave you nice memories. My memory slipped just a little bit, I checked and the exact formula in the book is: "Focus your mind like a carpenter".

---

Thursday march 27

8.30 pm - 45 minutes sit.

Intention set to relax body and mind. After things settled down a bit, followed the breath at nose. Tried to be gentle on the focus, and be content
with just knowing in and out breath.  Apparently this brought some joy/contentment. Stayed there in a light contentment state, noticing pratice-related thought/self-criticism like "Sensation at nose not clearly felt".  This time i did not believe them that much, thought that a brain should have enough intuition to do well with good instructions.
Ended up quite mentally relaxed, with background thought like "just knowing there is a breath is ok", "just do
something good and easy", "nothing wrong", "the sutta talks about a bhikkhu knowing the in and out breath". Still feeling a little of dissatisfaction about
still having thoughts around, but I think i have to let this go.
Some minutes later one stressful work-related thought appeared. A mix of body tensing and moving mental imaging which
did a little circular movement then dissipated. In the last few minutes, dullness must have set in as i started to play with "let's try to see a thought appear", and then "let's try to hear a thought".
Ttried to mentally say "aaaa", "ooo" etc mentally and hear it. Nothing interesting came out of that.

More bodily stillness.

I'm now thinking that I should feel pretty happy with having only one clearly stressful thought in 45 minutes.

friday march 28

8.30 pm - 30 minutes sitting, 30 minutes lying on bed, 20 minutes sitting.

I was pretty tired. If I were you, I would not use the beams cut by that carpenter to build anything  

I tried to follow the breath at nostrils, and felt body and mind pretty tired. I figured that I could continue while lying on the bed.

There, I continued to follow the breath. There were tons of distractions, but I did not fall asleep. I noticed a feeling of guilt/fear of being judged for lying down, then I thought that was quite absurd.

The distractions were mainly cogitations about the ongoing practice, like:

- If the breath sensations knows itself, then how do thoughts prevent that knowing?
- What exactly gets absorbed in the content of a thought?

Maybe one of the observations could be of interest for later.  I noticed a previously unconscious effort to locate (to assign a location to) the sensations of the breath on a mental map of the body.  It looked like this process uses quite a bit of brain power. I tried to stop doing that and felt more relaxed.

At one moment the breath got extremely short and shallow. Then it got much longer, coarser and energetic.

That's when I went back to sitting. I then mainly tried to observe how the notion of "tired" is really felt. Not a very easy thing to do I'd say.

Saturday march 29.

It was all about animals today.

In the morning I sat for 45 minutes, following the breath, counting ten breath cycles over and over again.
I was watching the mind going in many direction when I remembered the simile about the wild elephant being tied with a rope to a post.
I don't remember now in which book it is ( certainly several books). I thought that the mind going all over the place is a natural
phenomenon, and that my job is simply to stay aware of the breath and wait until the elephants calms down. So I tried to do that.
The elephant did not break the rope, even though he was jumping left and right.

In the afternoon I went to the supermarket while counting ten breath cycles over and over again, and then bought food for the week while still counting. Of course I could not count the breath cycle while also counting the number of apples I was buying.

Back home, I saw a cat hiding in the bushes in front of the flat. It was hunting for small birds. I called it and talked to it in order to stop it from hunting the wild birds, as it surely has plenty of food at home already and wild birds are already having quite the hard time.  I told it to have a little compassion towards the wild birds. It went away while looking at me with quite the grumpy face. I don't believe it got what I meant, but at least it got no birds this time.

This evening, I read a bit of Martin V's practice log and stumbled upon this Ajahn Brahm talk entitled "9 nimittas"  https://www.dharmaoverground.org/fr/discussion/-/message_boards/message/22024623#_com_liferay_message_boards_web_portlet_MBPortlet_message_22559819 .

When I went to sit, I decided to listen to the talk while following the breath. When Ajahn Brahm started to talk about sitting very  still near a still forest pool at night
to have a chance to see the big and beautiful animals (nimittas and jhanas), it sent chills of excitement up my sides, back, neck and head. I love this way of describing the practice.
My takes from this talk: gladen the mind with gratefulness, center the frame on the breath ( not necessary to zoom all the way in), and then stay still until the big animals show up. And also don't get frightened or excited by the nimittas. Stay still.

After the one hour talk, I sat on the floor with a cushion for 35 minutes, trying to stay still. This sit was quieter than usual. No big animals, but the air of the forest was refreshing.

Sunday march 29.

I'm trying to improve bodily stillness.

I sat in the evening for one hour. The first 15 minutes were made of breath counting and posture adjustments.  When I felt calmer I let go of counting.
There were still lots of verbal thoughts, but I get the feeling that there was more silence in between, and that the verbal thoughts were less loud.
Near the middle of the sit, I got the impression that my head was turned to the right. l very slowly opened my eyes to confirm this, and then very, very slowly realigned the head, and closed my eyes again. I guess the right tilt was caused by shoulder and neck tensions. After that, I could observe intentions to fix the posture again, but I did not act on them. I feel some contentment about that.
At one moment when concentration felt ok,  some round light appeared in the upper visual field for a fraction of a second, and it got the heart rate rising quickly for a few seconds. I'm now suspecting I should not give much importance to those phenomena, even though I tend to feel those are good signs.
For a few minutes, the tone of the experience felt quite ominous - think complex minor chord on the bass notes of a church organ - then that tone went away. When the bell rang, I was starting to try and feel in more details the breath sensations at the nostrils.

--

I have a question. Are sound perception distortions common during medidation ? A few days ago I wrote:

"distracted by a series of quite loud strange high pitch noises never heard before and unidentified"

I am now almost certain that it was my wife's prayer bell.  I'm pretty used to its sound, and it seems a little bit bizarre that I could not recognize it on that day. Could it be because of dullness ? It seems plausible to me as outside sounds can enter a dream and be re-interpeted in the context of the dream.

Monday march 31

Yesterday and today, I read the first 3 logs of Martin V.

Wow.

----

45 minutes sit. Intention at the beginning was to not move and relax mind and body. Forgot to count at the beginning.
Some concentration, and some relaxation. After about 30 minutes, I got seriously distracted by a blinking visual phenomenom that coincided with a thought like "No need to locate the feeling on a mental map".  Much more difficulties to follow the breath after that, as I was distracted by the distraction and the reaction to the distraction and on and on.
I moved very little, but there were some movements with shoulders and arms relaxing. Head still turned to the right unconsciously, but I made do with it until the very end of the sit. Opened my eyes about 30 seconds before the bell, as I thought this was it for today and the concentration was almost gone.

I observe that outside noises, that used to distract me a lot, and ignited chains of thought, rarely do now. It looks like I now have to get at least a similiar degree of equanimity towards internally generated visual phenomena.

Tuesday april 1st.

11 am - 45 minutes.
Trying to follow the breath, pain in right trapesius muscle got quite bad.
So I stopped and stretched the neck for a few minutes, and resumed, trying to relax, and decided to pay attention to whole body.
Ended up in a pleasant general state, with a little bit of joy.

20 pm - 1 hour.

Hardest sit in a while. Almost no concentration. A storm of hindrances. I'm wondering how much of it is scripted.
I stretched neck and shoulders first. Then counted the breath, then let go of counting. Some concentration built up, but then completely distracted by unpleasant thoughts for most of the sit.
The main tone of it was a fear of not having enough good/compassion/courage in oneself to be a good person, and a ton of doubt of that caliber. It lasted for maybe half the sit or more. It was quite bad. It ended with an almost screaming resolve of the kind "This has to stop now. This is absolutely useless and poisonous. Those defilements must burn under the light of awareness". My hands were tight, almost clenched. After this, I went back to following the breath, with more tranquillity, while still paying attention to other sensations. The feeling then was that of a calm after a storm.

Juste before bed, I sat again for about 30 minutes. much more peace.

Wednesday april 2

19:30 pm

Sat one hour. Intention was to follow the breath. I ended up repeating gratefulness sentences, for my teachers, their teachers, the Buddha, the widsom
tradition the Buddha grew up in, my family, the ocean life giving us oxygen, the earth, the universe. I had never done that. Some concentration, but no very much, mainly pleasant sensations, with a little bit of pain sometimes, a little bit of heat, especially in the face and ears. 5 minutes before the end, i thought about a little ill will episode earlier in the day. Opened my eyes, checked the time, stayed there for a minute, then closed my eyes again to follow the breath again. At the very end, I thought that the most important thing is to resolve to get better, work on it, and certainly not to mentally punish oneself.

Thursday april 3

20:15 pm

Sat 45 minutes. I had just listened to this talk by Ajahn Brahm https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlB3uksRV8M about overcoming thinking.
So I tried to follow instructions to make friend with the mind. Result was more silence/pleasant feelings than usual. Had moments of something like inner dialogues between
different parts (?) of the mind, quite funny. Imagined several parts of the mind asking the talking mind if he would like to stay silent for a while,
image of a child noding in agreement, quite cute. Then imagined what "this is silence" would be in hand signs. Enjoyed a bit of silence. Then followed
the breath for a while, then remember the Chris M's question/instruction on my first thread on DHO:

"When you notice your breath, what images pop up in your mind? If you hear a dog bark, what images pop up in your mind? If you hear a car go by, what pops up in your mind?"

So I did that until the end of the sit with thoughts still popping up like "I'm starting to understand how this instruction is very skillfull".  Thoughts of gratefulnnes towards Chris M and Martin V and all the people writing on DHO. And thoughts of gratefulness towards Ajhan Brahm and his community.

Also, I'm now quite amazed that the sound of very loud firework explosion at about 30 minutes in did not give rise to discernable aversion or anger, just curiosity about the visual and bodily effect of the sound. It looks like at least something is working here.

Bodily feeling quite pleasant during sit, some heat in head and ears, more noticeable after the sit.

Off the cushion, I've been wondering if I should continue to log on DHO, trying to take into account the pros and cons. In the cons, I see at least
that it gives rise to a particular kind of distraction during sits ( taking notes during sit), but I'm also thinking another distraction, potentially
less useful, would take the place anyway. Also a bit worried of the consequences for others of what I write here, as I'm not very skilled/skillful.
But I'm also thinking that people reading should "keep their wits about them" and take responsability, and things should be ok with other people around.

But that's the good part - you speak directly to people who need to see you learning, adapting, practicing diligently, and reporting your experiences honestly.  My first vipassana teacher, Kenneth Folk, convinced me to create a practice log way back then and I, too, had doubts and was fearful of the things you just described, and more. Nevertheless, I started keeping a public practice log and continued it for many years. My practice reports may have been more positive in their effects than negative, but there's no way to know. I think you just keep reporting back to us here if it helps you, and the rest will take care of itself.

+1 

The whole value of the DhO is the direct reporting of experience that is NOT a polished dharma talk made by a teacher. 

Thank you very much Chris and Martin, I'm less worried now.

 I'm game. We'll see how it goes.

As for unpolished, today's sit is on point:

---

20:00pm. sat about 80 minutes. Little patience and equanimity. Some short moments of concentration.

Started with intention of kindness and to be friend with mind. Started ok with mind calming down without counting breath.
Then I noticed that outside noises were quite present, and captured attention easily. Less equanimous today:  I noticed some short lived aversive reactions,
especially towards the quite loud and continuous sound of the washing machine on drying function at full speed. Some feeling of nausea. Then I tried to observe how reactions happen. It was elusive. The end of the drying cycle gave me some peace.
Then it seemed that a part of the mind wanted to follow breath and another wanted to investigate phenomenon. I thought that I could try and do both on the breath. Still very distracted.  Tried to calm things down by mentally repeating "good enough" ( Ajhan Brahm tip). It helped. Some feeling of mind switching states, like getting more "inside" and calm. Cannot describe it more precisely right now.  Also noticed a not so subtle future orientation, like always expecting something new to come, a difficulty with staying with present phenomenon. Thought of MCTB "phase of attention" which I never understood while reading the book.  I went back to counting breath for maybe 10 minutes before bell.
Bodywise, the upper back pain was on the left side this time, and sometimes including the left arm, like a nerve was pinched maybe. Lots of posture adjustements. Straigthening the back helped with pain.
My conclusion: too much striving. I strive for interesting, "out there" experiences. Little patience.  End up a bit frustrated with a touch of anger.  Also, I should have closed the door leading to the room where the washing machine is.

After a few domestic tasks, I sat some more on the couch, more relaxed, for about 10 minutes, trying to enjoy the breath and some strange tingling in the face.  Tranquillity got better, but it's like my ears are more sensible to noise than usual. The frustration is now passing away.

Saturday april 5.

Sat 45 minutes in the morning, counting the breath, then trying to let go of counting and see what happens. It was nice, with some pleasant feelings.
It felt a bit like yesterday's sit was trying to climb on a giant size high powered motorbike, and falling again and again, whereas in this last sit
I was happy riding a small tricycle ( counting the breath), which sometimes changed into a bike ( following without counting).

My mood for the rest of the day was rather bad, very tired ( night did not go well) and stressed, my wife could sense my bad vibes. Most sounds were felt as harsh, and the sunlight also. I tried my best to keep the bad vibes inside. Having friends come over for dinner was nice, and I managed to relax.

----


Sunday april 6.

I slept well and woke up with good energy,  but also a feeling of some mental tensions. This time I had the energy to look at it straight, and saw anxiety/worry/fear.
Looking straight at it and analyzing it a bit made it almost toothless. I'd say yesterday's tiredeness and bad vibes were due to trying to run away from worry and suppress it with force. But maybe it was just lack of sleep. This sunday's mood was much better.

The afternoon sit went well. I had set the clock at 60 minutes, with the intention to relax and enjoy it, ended up sitting for maybe 75 minutes.

After 5 minutes of following the breath, I felt that the room was clearly too hot, and remembered that good conditions are important, as friday's sit taught me. So I stood up and opened the windows, prefering outside sounds to too much heat.

Sat back, started counting the breath again. Then alternated between counting and not counting for a while. Feeling of concentration building up. When the attention was captured by outside noises (people, birds, cars), I let it, and slowly and gently took it back to breath, as the books say. The breath got more and more interesting and pleasurable, but moderately so. I did not put pressure on anything, and enjoyed this moderate concentration. I don't remember much bodily feelings, I think it was all very mind centered.
During the second half of the sit, I had a thought of "This is a mind, and this is a breath", and there was not much else if I remember correctly. A bit later, a thought appeared of asking the mind what he would like. Another thought appeared of the mind answering "I'd like you to shut up", but not in a harsh sense, more like friends poking each other. Thought of "Ok sorry mind I'll do my best". Not too bad as far as distractions go, I won't complain.
Another moment I remember is when the sound of a pigeon song felt like it was not really outside, but rather emanating from inside the mind which then felt much larger. But this feeling was fleeting. After this, the other sounds were perceived in a more usual way. Near the end of the hour, some restlessness appeared. Thoughts were like "hey where is the nimitta, we came for the nimitta and we paid good money for it". I first tried to counter it with going back to counting, then thought of "wrong way, let's say this is recess and let the mind do what he wants".  This had the effect of calming the verbal thoughts, and attention went to the nice visual memory of the only nimitta I had (I think) for a few seconds a few weeks ago. Then attention switched to ambient sounds. After the bell, it felt like sitting a bit more would be nice, without anything particulary intersting happening, just some light enjoyment.
So, an interesting and relaxing sit.

Off the cushion, I'm telling myself that maybe I should start working on insight practice more, as the peace that comes with sits like these also comes and goes.
On the other end, I don't want to get more edgy than I already am. I think I want to take things slow. I also think that's a lot of text and I'd better be more concise.

Monday april 7.

sat one hour on a cushion on the floor. Counting, then following without counting, then figured I'b better smile. Forced a smile. Distracted. Back to counting. Relaxed smile. Following without counting. Smile getting away. Tried to think of something that gives me smile. Distracted. Back to counting. Etc. Last 10 minutes okayish concentration with somewhat pleasant and interesting breath feelings.

I guess I need to find a way to smile more that is not too distracting.

Almost no pain, except sometimes in the eye region, and for a few seconds in the right knee towards the end.

Off the cushion, when walking, I try to look at the visual field as simply what the visual system perceives, and not something out there in the world, or in other words to distinguish between the visual contact and what the rest of the mind does with it.

Tuesday april 8.

Sat one hour on a chair. At the beginning intention was set to relax and not try to control anything, and to have a very lax focus. Things got pretty sleepy pretty quick.
Last third of the hour, when I found myself mostly lost in thoughts, I figured this was a waste of time. Switched to very long breath, sat straigther, and set a tighter focus on breath at nostrils. Found that better as the attention was more centered on present moment. Last few minutes felt similar to yesterday's sit. Starting to wonder if I should do longer sessions.

After the bell rang, I decided to continue a bit while lying in bed. Enjoyed the breath there for 15 minutes, and tried  to find the right amount of effort/focus on breath.

Wednesday april 9;


9:30 pm. Set clock at 75 minutes.  Sleepy before meditation. Sitting on a chair with a cushion, initial intention was to just count breath, and see what happens. Had to breathe a bit longer and a bit more energetically than usual to not fall asleep. So, counted breath with attention on feeling of breath on rim of one nostril. Did that for a good while, maybe 30 minutes (?). Upper body started swaying with a light feeling of dizziness. Felt not that safe up on the chair. With eyes still closed, grabbed the cushion and sat on floor while still counting. Felt more stable down on floor.

Counted some more. Then it felt like I'd better pay attention to the pleasantness of the in and out breath. This led to a kind of phase transition in the texture of mind and body experience. Something  like going from gaseous to liquid. The state had a a pleasant general feeling to it, not crazy good but more like peaceful and nice, and with some sense of solidity, like inside a shell of some sort. Stayed there still paying attention to pleasantness of breath. A thought appeared like "Interesting state we got here, what should we do in here?". Then tried to look for other pleasant feelings in body. Found nothing better than breath. Back to breath. Some distractions. Back to counting. Felt strange to count in that state, like it was a bit out of place/too effortful. Did it anyway. Maybe this ended the state, or tiredness did. Restlessness took over. Ended the sit by stretching arms above the head. Checked the clock. 32 seconds left on clock. Interesting.

Tuesday april 10

8:30 pm.  sat for one hour. Intention set on counting breath and see what happens. Distractions gradually became shorter and milder. Sometimes mentally repeated "Make peace, be kind, be gentle", and other times repeated "focus your mind like a carpenter". In the second part of the hour, attention gradually centered on present moment, without counting, but I don't remember a decision to let go of counting. When the bell rang, I was trying to gauge, and increase, the proportion of moments where attention is on the feeling of the breath. Felt like maybe 5 percent, but was certainly much less in reality, the rest being mainly thoughts about past and future (most of it wondering where/how the practice is going), and mental images. Distractions were then quite short, but still very numerous.

Friday april 11

20:30 pm, sat for close to an hour. Counted the breath, relaxed. Counting felt a bit too effortful, then did what I'd call counting silently. Relaxed a bit more.
Without counting the mind got more active. There was a curiosity about the contact to percept to concept to verbal thoughts shenanigans. Curiosity about "attention".  This ended up in more conceptual and verbal thoughts. Went back to paying attention to the knowing of the breath. Towards the end, knee pain was felt as a signal to end the session. Switched posture for a few minutes to ease knee pain. Then stood up at about 58 minutes on the clock. There is no sergeant instructor after all. In the first half hour, there was also an episode of a small and not very bright point of light appearing, excitement, heart beat acceleration, disappearance of the point of light. But not too much worry about the whole thing.

Earlier in the evening, when taking a walk,  the visual perception seemed a bit more high definition / less cluttered than usual. But not by a huge amount. Maybe this is due to a bit more silent mind (?)

Saturday april 12

I had a can of beer with lunch, so the feeling before the afternoon sit, a few hours later,  was a bit off,  like the mindfulness muscle was tired. I felt I needed help to build concentration, so listened to my favorite Burbea's guided meditation https://dharmaseed.org/talks/9812/ . Then sat about 30 or 45 minutes more, felt good, but certainly the beer at lunch was not a good idea.

Sunday april 13

In the afternoon, went for a nap. Could not sleep so I lied in bed counting breath for about 30 minutes. Then went to sit with a clock set for an hour.  I sat first on a chair. After 20 minutes, I felt not comfortable , hot and quite restless.  Figured I'd better open the window to get fresh air and sit on the floor.

Did that, things started to get better. Mind calmed down. Some peace. Sometimes a bit of pain in upper back.  Used "mantras" from Ajahn Brahm ( "Make peace, be kind, be gentle", and "None of my business").  Then,  little verbal thoughts ( for my standards). The intention was to be gentle with attention: try to center on breath but not force it. So, there were moments of quite clear following of the breath, and other moments of attention on outside sounds. Not bothered by them. There was curiosity about length of mental effects of sounds. This a re-construction of the experience after the fact, but I had a moment (a few minutes, maybe less )  where it felt like the center of perception was empty, or that perception was empty of a center. Afterwards, it seemed like there was less discrimination between outside (sounds of birds, wind in trees, people) and inside ( painful feelings , tinglings , thoughts) sensations. It was a bit like there was less of a sense of being the owner of bodily sensations and thoughts. It was not very pronounced, but still there was something of that order.  Also had a moment where the attention seemed fully absorbed by the songs of a common blackbird (I think). The last minutes of the sit were made of following the breath, distracted by verbal commentaries and analysis on what just happened.

Monday april 14

20 pm. Sat on the floor with a cushion, with clock set at 60  minutes. Intention was to follow breath (gently center attention on breath) and see what happens. Counted breath for while. Followed breath without counting. Got lost in thought a bit, went back to counting. Alternated for a while counting/following without counting. Then, it felt like it would be a good idea to pay attention to pleasant tingling in the face ( cheek, forehead). Enjoyed that while still counting/following the breath. Paid attention to the pleasantness of it (Brasington's advice iirc). Things got better. Some effervescence-like feelings in the head and most of the face, sometimes a bit also in the arms and feets. At best it was maybe one tenth of the body, but there was some joy and contentment, even with the ups and downs of it. Right knee pain came back with some force, decided to stretch the leg and then end the session on a contentment note, about 8 minutes before the hour mark.

Tuesday april 15

Stressful day. Sat one hour in the evening with intention to just calm down. It took maybe 40 or 50 minutes for things to settle a bit. Used counting and mantras, mainly mantras. Last 10 minutes, could count breath without a feeling of forcing like crazy.

Wednesday april 16

Easier day. Sat one hour in the evening.  Intention was to try and maintain attention on breath. Counting breath, then let go of counting. Lots of noise around ( dozens of children playing outside ), distracted by it, but not really bothered ( I think). Still quite poor concentration. Got better when children went home, and attention switched to "state of mind", with breath more in the background. Yet impatience took over in the last 10 or 15 minutes, with knee pain. Tried to hold, went back to counting, then extended right leg, still counting. Then end of the sit was more like waiting for end bell while counting breath and working on patience.
Writing this 10 minutes after the end of the sit, I feel a bit joyful and energized, quite smily. Strange how those things work.

Thursday april 17

Counted breath on way back from work and while buying food. Then sat one hour. Intention was to center attention on breath, but accept and be ok with distractions, not fight them. After maybe 20 minutes of counting, let go of counting. A bit of pain, tons of thoughts around, but did not fight them, tried to notice and (re)-center on breath. A bit later, tried to find what was pleasant with breath sensations, idea floating around then was that it would help the mind to find it more interesting. Also thoughts of "anyway it happens by itself, with one part of the mind perceiving breath sensations, another watching the mind, still another commenting etc". During a few minutes, the attention was on details of breath, noticed that verbal thoughts could not keep up with the degree/rate of detail. Thoughts were dragging the process somehow. So, some concentration. Still noted impatience towards the end, with some accentuated pain. I think I did not move voluntarily for the last 40 minutes.
Right after sit, I relaxed my posture, back against the wall, thinking about the sessions. Not gonna lie, some disappointment thoughts, like "is that it?". I guess it is. On the other end, some contentment with bodily stillness. Also some thoughts were funny, like "And now, our guest star : THE BREATH". Not especially helpful of course. Still funny. Also wondering how I could somehow continue the process of medidation while I have to resume daily life (I mean tonight). I guess I should just relax ?

Friday april 18

In the morning, I told myself that sit that the previous sit was good after all, as I woke up with good vibes, and the clearly psychosomatic backpain that had bugged me for a few days was gone.

In the evening, I sat with a clock set at 90 minutes. Stood up at 80. Counted breath for maybe 15 minutes, then tried to follow breath and come back from distractions. I was a bit more tolerant for distractions this time, letting them run for longer. Maybe that was simply lazyness or tiredness. Near the end, I tried to increase awareness of body while maintaining attention on breath. In the last 15 minutes, it was interesting to watch the impulses to end the sit. Ended it before the bell with a thought like "No need to hurt the body" (knee and tailbone pain). A few quiet minutes here and there, but generally there was constant inner chatter, almost all doubts/wondering about what would be good practice. Got lost in thought a few times too.  Body quite still for the last 45 minutes I think.

Saturday april 19

Sat 45 minutes right before bed. A bit of dullness but it was quite peaceful and relaxing.

---

Sunday april 20

Sat in the morning with clock set at 45 minutes. Sat for about one hour. I don't remember well but it was nice.

Sat again in the afternoon. Aimed for one hour, stood up at 50 minutes. Not very quiet sit. A bit of pain in upper back and knee. Switch posture twice with leg going to sleep.  The neighborhood was very noisy, with screams and music. Tried to maintain attention on breath for (too) long, then gave up and switched to paying attention to mental reverberations of sounds. Things got easier and quieter. Near the end, I tried to pay attention to mental reverberations of verbal thoughts.

Monday april 21.

Sat one hour on a chair in the afternoon. Could not stay still. Sat with pain, sadness, worry and doubt. Not particularly enjoyable.

Sat again in the evening for 45 minutes, on a cushion on the floor. Intention was to relax but not move at all. Calmed down little by little with counting. Then tried to pay continuous attention to feeling of breath at nostrils and come back from distractions. Enjoyed the gradual automatic easing of pain and relaxation. When concentration felt ok, I switched to light pleasantness/sweetness of breath sensations. Ended up enjoying intensifying and expanding physical pleasure and almost complete absence of pain for maybe 10 or 15 minutes. Feeling of lightness, pleasant tinglings. At the apex of it, the left foot started trembling, but it was rather pleasant. A problems seems to be that with relaxation, the posture gets less and less straight, to the point I had to very slowly straighten up, but luckily it did not mess up too much with build up concentration.